considerable grace

Sophie and I had an important conversation last night about a variety of topics. One of the things we discussed was how God helps us in times of temptation. We talked about the Holy Spirit living in our hearts; how we can make a plan and be prepared to not only avoid temptation but FLEE temptation when it comes; how memorizing Scriptures can help us in the battle; and how ungodly desires grow stronger when we indulge them, but that we can starve our temptations and they will lessen. (Praise the Lord!)

I actually used the word picture of ol' Deac—the plant that my parents sent Fred when he was ordained as a deacon in our local church. Poor ol' Deac is a sturdy plant and thus, he’s survived under my black thumb for years. But when I forget to water him, he does get limper and limper and weaker and weaker. Sophie quickly got the analogy of how our desires grow limper and weaker as we stop feeding them.

All of this made me think of the David Powlison booklet, “Pleasures” (which I REALLY wish CCEF was still publishing) and how Dr. Powlison describes innocent pleasures vs. guilty pleasures:

"Have you ever heard this? “The Christian life is a wonderful union between duty and desire.” True! But too often, we hear this as, “Do what you are supposed to do and by the way enjoy it!" But pure pleasure was created “very good” and pleasure is being recreated by Jesus as “very, very good.”

Remember the distinction between INNOCENT pleasures and GUILTY pleasures:

INNOCENT PLEASURES
- What gives you pure and simple pleasure?
- What truly refreshes you?
- What helps you to lay your cares down and get a fresh perspective on life?
- What enables you to step back into the business and hardship of life with a new joy?

The innocent pleasures come because the greatest pleasure—God himself—is in his rightful place. Innocent pleasures don’t pretend to save you or protect you. They don’t promise you meaning and identity in life.

Innocent pleasures don’t take life’s fragility, pain, frustration, disappointment, and uncertainty and wash them away. They are not the giver of every good and perfect gift; they are just gifts you enjoy.

GUILTY PLEASURES
- Leave a residue; an oily stain
- Contain a quality of obsession, residual guilt or anxiety
- Recreations bring disappointment
- Amusements tend to hijack you—promising to make you feel good, but then failing

Guilty pleasures often arise as a restless escape from troubles; something in life is hard and we want a break. Guilty pleasures promise good things but never deliver them; they leave you with queasy feelings.

There are three broad categories that tempt you towards the guilty pleasures:

1. You are bored, lonely, with nothing to do.
2. You are stressed, frustrated and worn out.
3. You are hurt, betrayed, and treated unfairly. Perhaps you’ve lost someone or something you loved.

These temptations tend to lead us away from innocent pleasures to the stained and guilty ones. We grab for anything that will protect, soothe, comfort, or save us."

So true! And I really wanted to find the entire article online for you ... but I couldn’t. I did find this amazing list of 98 .mp3 files and articles from David Powlison on the monergism website and I urge you to slowly and carefully work through all of them:

David Powlison at Monergism.com

That’s what I hope to do. Talk about a wealth of wisdom! We are so blessed to be living in this day and age with ready access to so many helpful resources. (I’m currently working through the Covenant Seminary course on the Psalms and Wisdom Books—did you know that they offer over 20 Free Graduate Level Courses? Amazing.)

How I pray that even this very day, God will help us to starve our ungodly desires that leave us burdened and feeling guilty; and to worship Him alone, enjoy Him, and enjoy the innocent pleasures He so lavishly grants us.

Happy Friday!
- Tara B.

Nothing went wrong this morning, but I was still hoppin' mad.

Anger for no reason? That was a red flag to me. The strong desire to ORGANIZE SOMETHING (my oft' drug of choice)? An even bigger red flag.

But I was still really mad. Easily frustrated. On edge. So I searched my heart for fear.

Anger for me is usually just a mask that I am terrified. Things feel out of control; everything feels impossible; even though nothing is going wrong, it feels as though nothing is going right.

Miraculously, I even tried to pray this morning! I tried to speak truth from Scripture to my emotions in order to tell them to SHUSH.

But even after Pastor Jason’s one-line sermon to the deepest pit of my soul this morning during his greeting and call to worship ("Jesus is in control."); even after asking Deacon Vowel and Elder Laverman to pray for me; even after seeking counsel from a friend ... my feelings were still cookin' right along.

Red flag for sure. So I repented—finally listened to that internal GPS and did a U-turn—and did something I REALLY didn’t want to do and was trying NOT to do for too long. Plus, I received help from generous Fred and kind Sophia. We spent some family time outside on this gorgeous day cheering on Sophia as she rode her bike; enjoyed new office supplies for school (including the Sharpie Liquid Permanent Pencil!); and repented some more.

Then I re-read Ed Welch’s article on Strong Emotions and tried to tell my anger that it might be wrong and my fear that there will be grace for tomorrow.

There will, by the way, be grace for tomorrow. There will. Right when it is needed, sufficient and even abundant grace will be provided—by Someone bigger and stronger than me.

With that, I’m heading back into family mode on this day of rest.

I hope that your emotions are in a much better place than mine. But if they’re not, I pray that your anger and fear will SHUSH and the still, small voice of the Spirit of God will comfort you with the very presence of the Living God.

Your friend,
Tara B.

Or so says, Rev. Dr. Ligon Duncan in a sermon that I encourage every one of you to listen to:

Who is the Greatest?

In it, he doesn’t actually allow himself to go down the trail of thought after that statement ("Ministers are suspicious, insecure, and judgmental"), although I surely would love to hear his teaching to pastors if he ever does a similar message at a T4G Conference on that topic. I bet it would be amazing.

Instead, he says something to the effect of, “We are not a congregations of ministers; that is my sin; so let me explain what those things point to—PRIDE—and how all Christians, not just ministers, struggle with pride.”

But he closes, thank God, with how God’s grace helps us all in our struggle with pride.

I am truly struck this morning when I think about how the disciples were positioning for the place of honor, even with Christ right there! They forgot who they were and they forgot who God is. How often I am prone to do the same.

I am struck when I consider how the disciples wanted to call down fire on the foolish, lost Samaritans. But Jesus set his face to Jerusalem to go and accomplish what he came to do—bear the consuming fire of God’s wrath for lost Samaritans like you and me.

Oh. I could go on, but instead I’ll just encourage you to listen to this sermon. And if you’re an Ipod user, subscribe to the First Presbyterian Church podcasts. What a churchman! What a humble and gracious man. I love to learn from his preaching and his heart.

Blessings to you, dear friends, from a fellow “suspicious, insecure, and judgmental” (but forgiven and growing in grace) Christian.

Yours,
Tara B.

COMBATING WEARINESS WITH ALTERNATE FORMS OF EXERCISE.
(Written after a short visit to Ukraine when I preached 13 times in four days)
Ajith Fernando

"A few decades ago the cricket-loving world was shocked when a popular and brilliant English cricketer said that the pressure of having to perform according to people’s expectations and the resulting stress often led him to take cannabis after a game. Cannabis is a narcotic. A narcotic is “a drug (as opium) that in moderate doses dulls the senses, relieves pain, and induces profound sleep but in excessive doses causes stupor, coma, or convulsions” (Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary).

Tiredness, especially if it has been accompanied by stress, makes us vulnerable to a whole new set of problems. We have recently read about cricketers who visit night clubs, get drunk and behave badly at night during a series. I once read of a pastor who used to visit a prostitute on Sunday nights to supposedly “satisfy his needs” after the tiring and stressful Sunday.

There are good and bad ways to recover from tiredness and stress. When Elijah suffered depression after his spiritually draining conflict with the prophets of Baal God let him to walk in the open for forty days and to sleep for more than a day with stops only for meals which God provided miraculously (1 Kings 18-19). We see images of cricketers relaxing in the swimming pool at the end of a day’s play or playing football (soccer) on their day off from cricket in the middle of a series.

Our entertainment-oriented culture provides us with ways to face this challenge, and many of those are damaging. Therefore it is important for us to plan what we will do after a tiring and stressful activity. I think the most common method used today is watching television which has a narcotic affect on one’s tired mind. I do not think this is all bad. But in some countries television gets unclean at night, and that can be very dangerous.

I have recently returned from a trip to Ukraine. I had asked my hosts to put me up with the other delegates, but they overruled me and put me in a different hotel. And how glad I was about that! After putting the heat on at maximum I needed to wear three layers of clothes to keep myself warm in my hotel room! The delegates did not have any heating at all, as the government had not yet released heating gas for the winter! On my second day I found that TV gets unclean at night there. So I pulled off the TV plug and replaced it with the kettle plug! I sent my wife an SMS text message saying that I am doing so and asked her to forward the SMS to my accountability group. I usually send SMS’ to these people when I stay in a hotel.

Slowly I am coming to accept that the best way to overcome tiredness and stress is not by using a narcotic (like TV), but by using an alternate form of exercise which refreshes me as a person. We saw that above with Elijah’s walk and with the swimming and the football of the cricketers. On the flight back home from Ukraine I read several short mystery stories by Agatha Christie which exercised the mind through an activity markedly different to preaching. I find that swimming produces a similar form of relaxation through alternate exercise.

The day after I came home was a free day for me, so I spent a good time at the piano singing hymns in what I like to call a “praise feast.” This is my favourite form of “alternate exercise.” I usually use one of five styles of sacred music for this. (1) I use my Methodist Hymnbook most often because that is what I grew up with and because it beautifully portrays the great truths which under-gird my life. (2) When I am abroad I often use the Sinhala (my mother-tongue) song book we use at Church and YFC. (3) I sometimes use Mission Praise which gives the best of contemporary Christian music. (4) This time I used Praise: Our Songs and Hymns (edited by John W. Peterson). This book has many songs representing the gospel hymn tradition of which the famous early representative was Sankey’s Sacred Songs and Solos. Gospel hymns are lively reminders great gospel truths. And sometimes it is good to just sing lustily about the marvels of grace! (5) Occasionally I use some western classical music, like music from the great choral works of Bach, Handel and Haydn. These present the great truths of the faith with sublime majesty and musical artistry.

By having an occasional “praise feast” for my prayer time instead of my usual intercession-saturated prayer time I am trying to follow the rhythmic pattern to life which I believe God gave us humans for our enrichment. We have six days of hard work and one day of rest. We have daily physical contact with our spouses and occasional moments of ecstasy through sexual relations. Daily we thank God for providing our needs, but occasionally we have a festival to vigorously enjoy praising God for it in community. In the same way we can have a praise feast occasionally as a change from the normal routine of intercession saturated prayer.

A significant feature of the alternate activity which punctuates our normal daily routine is vigorous enjoyment. The Old Testament festivals were usually days of loud praise with dancing and singing in community. We can’t do that daily. But we need to do that occasionally because the God who made us to live daily in joy also intends us to have occasional bursts of ecstasy when we focus on the things that produce our daily joy. Occasional praise feasts do this for us. Music, of course, is the language of joy. Singing helps engage our whole being in praise. We are able to express our gratitude to God in a way that gives full expression to our emotions. Such expressions of emotion serve to refresh and heal our tired and battered souls.

Praise feasts also help us avoid one of the great traps of hard work: thinking that we have done something great and that because of that we are superior to those who don’t work as hard as we do. Spiritual pride is a trap those who work hard can easily fall into. But when we spend time rejoicing in God and praising him we are impacted afresh by that great antidote to spiritual pride: the grace perspective. We realise that everything good in our lives is entirely the result of grace. We realise we don’t deserve anything we have received. But that realisation does not cause depression; instead it causes deep, deep joy.

Let’s see how the grace perspective produces joy. We realise that now the greatest things in our life do not have to do with us but with Jesus who has loved us and made us the precious children of God. If we depended on our worth for our sense of significance we will restless and insecure, for deep down we know how weak and imperfect we are! But if our significance comes from what God has made us to become—then we have complete joy! Nothing can take that joy away because there is nothing in this world that is as powerful as the God who is the cause of it.

Let your tiredness be an occasion to increase your joy in the Lord! But be careful! Even though pleasure is God’s gift to us, it is also a tool which Satan uses. And the entertainment industry is a ready means he can use to lead us astray. This is why I decided to give some rather personal details about how to handle this issue. I wanted to demonstrate that we must make specific decisions about how we are going to deal with tiredness. Satan has many traps laid out for us to fall into if we have not planned our times of recovery from stressful activity."

Gwen W. is preachin' it over at Feet on the Rock. This post is worth the read:

Ten Ways to Tame the Worry Habit

Thanks, Gwen.

“It is no coincidence that the problems of the seven churches in Revelation 2 and 3 are followed by a majestic vision of Him who sits on the throne in (ch. 4) and the Lamb who was slain (ch. 5). The magnificent picture of the sovereign, holy God of the universe sitting on the throne and the Lamb at His right hand follows seven very practical, specific letters. Indeed, the vision of God in chapters 4 and 5 is the answer to the problems posed in chapters 2 and 3.

Each of the churches is called to overcome. But how do you do that? The answer is found in chapters 4 and 5. You get a breathtaking glimpse of God and the Lamb. You take your eyes off your earthly situation and gaze into heaven and see what true reality looks like. No matter the church’s problem, what is most needful is to see God in his glory. Lost your first love? Being persecuted? Impure? Bad theology? Spiritually dry? Full of weakness? Apathetic? You need to know God better.” (George Eldon Ladd, A Theology of the New Testament)

Justin Taylor hits it out of the park with his recent post on GOSPEL CHANGE:

Imperatives without Indicatives = Impossibilities

Please read it. For yourself, your spouse, children, friend, pastor, sheep. If only we could really GET THIS and live it out! Oh, the sweetness of grace that would overflow in our own lives, families, churches, workplaces, communities. Let me tempt you with just a snippet:

"The dominant mode of evangelical preaching on sanctification, the main way to motivate for godly living, sounds something like this:

You are not _;

You should be ___;

Therefore, do or be __!

Fill in the blank with anything good and biblical (holy; salt and light; feed the poor; walk humbly; give generously; etc.).

This is not how Paul and the other New Testament writers motivated the church in light of the resurrection and the outpouring of the Spirit. They did give imperatives (=what you should do), but they do so only based on indicatives (=what God has done).

The problem with the typical evangelical motivation toward radical or sacrificial living is that “imperatives divorced from indicatives become impossibilities” (to quote Tullian Tchividjian). Or another way that Tullian puts it: “gospel obligations must be based on gospel declarations.”

This “become what you are” way of speaking is strange for many us us. It seems precisely backward. But we must adjust our mental compass in order to walk this biblical path and recalibrate in order to speak this biblical language.

We see this all throughout the NT. Here are a few examples of this gospel logic and language ..."

(Don’t you want to read on? Please do.)

I also listened (twice!) to an excellent message about gospel change by Tim Keller on one of my walks this week and I encourage you to check out his entire sermon series on this topic:

How Does the Gospel Change Me?

(BTW—as usual, I’m blogging all of this for myself because MAN! Do I need to hear it. I woke up this morning, so tempted to despair over my failings yesterday. But instead, I am striving to beat back my unbelief with truth and, well, become what I already am. May God have mercy—He does. He does.)

Blessings on your Wednesday,
Tara B.

(HT: TakeYourVitaminZ for the Justin Taylor link.)

As we worked together to develop some physical disciplines in our day, Sophia and I talked a lot about 1 Timothy 4:7-8 yesterday:

"Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come."

It was a great time for us to rejoice that, in general, daily Bible reading and journaling is a natural part of our day. It didn’t start out that way, of course. (What discipline ever does? If it comes easily and readily—like eating something yummy while watching or reading something entertaining—it’t not discipline. It’s FUN.)

But over time, we’ve baby stepped our way into a normal pattern of life that includes times each day when we read the Bible, pray, journal, and learn doctrine through the Shorter Catechism.

What we haven’t done so well—and when I say WE I really mean ME because Sophie is very good at being active and stretching her muscles and listening to her body when she needs rest—is develop a normal pattern of life that includes fresh air, physical exercise, stretching, etc. And so, we talked about 1 Timothy 4:7-8. We rejoiced. And we juggled the baby a bit as we did some “physical training” too.

Little by little. One step at a time, right?

I’m grateful that I get to process through such things with a little girl who isn’t just my daughter, she’s my sister and my friend too.

I prayed for each one of you who will read this—that God will help and encourage you if, today, you are trying to take even one little baby step towards developing a godly habit. (Especially if it’s related to self-discipline! For some of us, it’s just SO HARD to live life in a moderate, self-controlled manner.)

Blessings on your Tuesday,
Tara B.

TakeYourVitaminZ linked to a (convicting! accurate!) read over at RefineUs:

Accountability is Useless

It doesn’t take long to read the entire article, but it’s definitely worth it.

The author, a pastor, begins by explaining all of the different levels of “accountability” he implemented in his life. But then he says this:

"So with all of these boundaries and all of these safe guards and all of these great leaders and friends holding me accountable how could I ever be unfaithful to God and my wife? That’s not possible right? But I was unfaithful, despite all of my accountability.

What I have discovered is accountability is useless.

Accountability is only as valuable as the transparency you and I offer in the context of that accountability.

We have a unique ability as humans to BS each other. It is easy for me to fake you out. It is easy for you to lie to my face. It is easy to pretend like your marriage is better than it really is. It is easy to offer just enough accountability to make yourself look spiritual. At the same time that partial accountability can be so dangerous because you are not only fooling me, you are fooling yourself.

The truth is you and I can meet every Wednesday and I can lie to you. The truth is that you can have several circles of accountability and unless you are 100% transparent in at least one of those circles, implosion is on the horizon.

I am not saying you should be 100% transparent with everyone, but I am saying you should be 100% transparent with someone. I have two people in my life that if I am asked a question I give 100% of the truth; I withhold nothing. I know if I am struggling or need to confess something, or am in a dark place, I can share that with these two people.

One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life, my marriage and my ministry is I substituted accountability for transparency. Accountability without transparency is useless ..."

(Convicting! Convicting! And spot on.)

From your “needing to be transparent with even just one person so that I can truly be helped to grow in faith and obedience” friend,
– Tara B.

Talking with someone about an apparent sin or temptation has to be one of the most difficult things to do in all of life.

It’s one thing to do so in a conciliation case when you’re serving as a mediator. It can still be difficult, of course, but the people have invited you into their lives to serve you in this way (either by opening a case or being bound by a conciliation clause in a contract), so it’s a little more doable.

But what about when it has to do with a parenting concern? (Dum DUMMMM! Cue scary music.) Who am I to speak with this person about how they discipline (or don’t discipline) their child? Listen to my excuses:

- “It’s a wisdom issue. A gray issue. I’m not the Holy Spirit.”

- “I know they’re reading THAT BOOK. I (love / hate) THAT BOOK. So there’s really nothing more I need to say.”

- “Umm. Have you looked at my own kids? Seriously. Who am I to think I should ever talk about THIS topic with anyone?”

You can change the facts from parenting to any other personal (important!) issue ... food/overeating, marriage, money, s*x, recreation/time management.

Who am I?
Who am I?

I was thinking about all of this when I read HeadHeartHand’s recent blog post:

Poor Excuses for Sinful Silence

(I’m really enjoying my new read of this blog, by the way. Hits some sweet spots with me—business, church/polity, real life.)

Mostly, I was thinking about all of the hard conversations I’ve had in my life when people loved me enough to confront me (about money, relationships, sinful bitterness, overindulgences, lack of submission to authority/pride ... I could go on an on). And about the people who did not confront me, but instead stood silently by (or even gave me the apparently loving but actually hateful) “kind words” and placated me when I was heading down a path of destruction.

(And honestly? I was thinking about all of this because I recently tried to—gently! I hope!—talk with a “good acquaintance but I wouldn’t call us close friend”-level person in my life about a sensitive subject and MAN. I was shocked by how hard it was for me. Fear of Man? Not wanting her to reject me? Think I’m a jerk? Yes, I should add that to the list above ... "But I want you to LIKE me and think I’m a NICE PERSON!" Blech. It’s too early in the day to see my heart like it really is. Time to stop blogging and get into the Word ...)

Last thought: I did talk to my friend. I was shaking in my Keds. But I did pray. And my overarching theme was that I truly want to encourage and draw CLOSER to her and her family and be a blessing because they are a blessing to me/us. And we have so much to learn from them! Our lives are better for getting to be their friends. I’m right there with her in the battle.

But it was still really hard.

May God give us the courage to love, really love, one another. That means sometimes we will overlook. Let it go. Carry no record of wrongs. And sometimes? We will gently engage. Gently confront. Gently Restore.

Blessings to you this day! May we all have the humility to humbly and honestly listen when we are confronted (and to grow wise!). And the courage to speak up (gently and humbly) when love compels us.

Yours,
Tara B.

Challies.com linked to an excellent post over at HeadHeartHand—Leadership for Servants:

The Pastor’s Worst Enemy

Although particularly directed at pastors, his insights into the consequences and the cure are helpful for all of us. Plus, this brief article gives us some great reminders for encouraging and praying for our own pastors. (And thanking God for leaders who lead with genuine humility and servant hearts.)

I’m rereading some of my old CCEF Journal of Biblical Counseling articles (on good old fashioned paper) and I’m also beginning to get acquainted with their online library. This classic series from David Powlison is on the CCEF website and I encourage you to slowly read and process it, especially if, like me, you are convicted that some areas of your life are in need of serious change:

Sane Faith in the Insanity of Life

In it, he discusses five people struggling with various challenges in life:

"Each of these five stories describes a person who needs help in order to face up, to deal, to change. But these people aren’t in a completely different category from the rest of us. They aren’t weird, as if the rest of us were normal. Think about it this way. They dial up the volume, but we all play the same kinds of music. These are our friends ... and ourselves."

And he shares a vivid “AntiPsalm 23” that is worth slowly reading. Out loud.

The article actually continues in two more parts, which, for some reason aren’t linked to in part 1. So here they are, just to make things easier for you:

Part 2

Part 3

I’m processing through all of this, yet again, as I am convicted about various areas that are lacking in discipline and diligence in my own life. A part of me wants to try (again). A part of me really doesn’t feel like getting in the game. At all. (Again.)

But, thankfully, I’m pretty unhappy about various areas of my own life—what a grace to be unhappy!—so (again) change needs to come. But how? Why? What will it look like?

Again, Dr. Powlison’s reflections on these five case studies:

"Notice that nobody disputes the facts. Mental health practitioners, friends and family, you, me, and the God of the Bible agree that Garrett is narcissistic, has a bad temper, drinks too much, and uses porn. He tries to control his world because he thinks it’s his world. All agree that Sarah starves herself, works out relentlessly, and puts in a lot of mirror-time. She demands perfection on her own terms. Nothing I’m saying questions any of these facts. These are facts that call for explanations and call out for help.

The question is how to interpret the facts. What do these problems mean? Why do our five friends live like this? Why are they ruining their lives?

Does each of them “suffer from” a quasi-medical-sounding disorder that actually explains his or her problems? Do they “have” diseases or conditions that the labels correctly name?

Or are they “doing” extremely disorderly things for extremely confusing reasons? Are they living out lifestyles that God correctly names?

In other words, is the final explanation for our problems something bad happening to us? Or is it something bad about us? God’s interpretation is the second one, and he gets last say."

Like all of David Powlison’s writings, these articles are worth careful reading. I’ll close with just one more snippet to encourage you toward that end:

"But what is the final cause of how you live? You are your final cause. That said, let’s look briefly at the many contributing factors.

What goes on in your body has an influence. When you experience allergies or sleepless nights, premenstrual hormones or chronic pain, Asperger’s or Alzheimer’s, your mood, thinking and actions are affected. You’re tempted in different ways than when you feel fine. Similarly, it’s obvious that each of us comes wired from birth with a different temperament. Some people are more prone to anger, others to anxiety, others to getting discouraged, others to pleasure-addictions, and so forth. Our bodies affect us in many ways. For example, Matt may have been born more restless and distractible than you or I. It’s likely that Lise’s post-partum hormones color her moods. But does the body give the decisive, underlying explanation for their personal problems? No, no more than it gives the decisive explanation for their good and loving choices.

The body is a contributory factor, an influence. It’s not the final cause of either your faith or your idolatry, your kindness or your selfishness.

What the people around you do also has an influence on you. Like “nature,” “nurture” plays a role. Every one of us lives in a world filled with competing values, a variety of hardships, and many enticements. You implicitly absorb the categories of thought provided by your native language, and the values of your native culture. For example, Sarah lives in a society that glamorizes unreally thin women. Garrett’s father was a poor role-model for how to handle frustration, and his bad example “discipled” his son into temper and drinking. We live in a world where betrayals of trust occur. Chandra lives among a group of peers who might (and have) hurt her. But, do those experiences provide the decisive explanation for their struggles? No.

These are significant, not determinative. Your surrounding environment influences you in countless ways, but it never determines whether your life orients in the direction of Christ or twists in on yourself ...

How you live comes out of your heart. “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23). The heart is you, not something that happens to you. Jesus says that when wrong actions appear, that wrong comes “from within, out of the heart of man” (Mark 7:21). Something about who you are and what you live for sets your trajectory in life and shapes every choice.

Deep down, everyone knows this is true. That’s why every sort of treatment or therapy involves taking some responsibility for your life ...

We’re tangled up, and we also live in tangled bodies amid a tangled world ... Many things will influence you. The whole world is knotted up and dangling loose. But you are still your biggest problem. You need what God alone can give. It’s no accident that Jesus begins here: “The poor in spirit are blessed” (Matt. 5:3). It’s no accident that Paul heard God address his fundamental human weakness: “My grace is sufficient for you, because power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). It’s no accident that most of the psalms cry for help. It’s no accident that Jesus is who he is, and does what he does. It’s no accident that God freely gives what you most need – the mercy to change your relationship with him, and the power to change you.

When we see how deeply the “madness in our hearts” (Ecclesiastes 9:3) infects us and our friends, then we see how deeply the love of God in Christ applies to our deepest problems. The real Psalm 23 and all the rest of God’s wisdom lead us home."

To sanity.

Amen & Amen! And thanks so much, Dr. Powlison.

Hope you all enjoy a great Saturday!

Yours,
Tara B.

I enjoy so many aspects of my relationship with Sophia as she grows older. To be sure, I was blessed by the baby / toddler / preschooler stages too—lots of work! But lots of joy. But I have to say, there is something tremendously interesting about being in this precious little girl’s life day after day; really getting to know her; learning from and with her; processing through all of life together.

The other day as we drove around town, she began naming all of the different ways we are related to each other:

"You’re my mother! Teacher. Sister in Christ. Friend."

(Oh! How I was praising God and praying that we would always be friends.)

One of the new things we’re doing together is making the transition from the Catechism for Young Children to the Shorter Catechism. This has so far been a great fit for us. Having the Young Children’s Catechism rock solid inside of her little heart and mind gives her a great foundation for the substance of the Shorter Catechism, but then we get to really work hard together to understand and memorize the (LONG!) answers of the “real” catechism.

Plus? It’s great for ME to learn this theology so systematically. I mean, Wow! I’ve been so encouraged just by the answer to Q4 ("What is God?"). And I just LOVE the hand signals we came up with to help us remember the attributes of God:

God is a Spirit, infinite, eternal, and unchangeable, in his:
- being (indicate whole body)
- wisdom (point to brain)
- power (strong arms / like a “big man” protecting someone)
- holiness (arms upraised)
- justice (like thrusting a sword in battle; fighting for justice)
- goodness (then turn hands face up as though you are sharing food with someone in need)
- and truth (then make the “hand shaking” sign with your hands because when you make an agreement, you always tell the truth; “Let your yes be yes;” no false witnesses)

I love it.

Another thing we’re paying more attention to is the structure of our church service (the liturgy). She knows well that we always do certain things during our church service. Now, as she gets older, we get to discuss more and more why we do what we do.

One aspect of our church service that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is our time of corporate and private confession prior to taking the Lord’s Supper. I am so grateful that our pastors guard the table and remind us each time that we are not to partake of the Lord’s Supper in an unworthy manner. Specifically, if we are not Christians in good standing in our local church, or if we are in a conflict with a brother and refusing to be reconciled, then we should wait. Let the bread and wine pass. Make every effort to be reconciled to our brother (Matt. 5:23-24; Rom. 12:18; Eph. 4:1-3). Get help as needed (Matt. 18:15-18 ). But not partake.

I was thinking of this a lot last Sunday because Fred and I were in the middle of a huge fight even as we went to worship. And so I prayed ("Should I partake?") and I did receive communion. Although we were unreconciled, we were working on it and I knew in my heart that I wanted to be reconciled and we would keep working on being reconciled and we would get help if needed. So, in that moment, I remembered “It’s for sinners!” And I was fed.

With all of these thoughts rattling around in my head as I begin my Friday morning, I’ll give the last word to Dietrich Bonhoeffer in his classic, Life Together: Prayerbook of the Bible:

"It is possible that Christians may remain lonely in spite of daily worship together, praying together, and all their community through service—that final breakthrough to community does not occur precisely because they enjoy community with one another as pious believers, but not with one another as those lacking piety, as sinners. For the pious community permits no one to be a sinner. Hence all have to conceal their sins from themselves and from the community. We are not allowed to be sinners. Many Christians would be unimaginably horrified if a real sinner were suddenly to turn up among the pious. So we remain alone with our sin, trapped in lies and hypocrisy, for we are in fact sinners.

However, the grace of the gospel, which is so hard for the pious to comprehend, confronts us with the truth. It says to us, you are a sinner, a great unholy sinner. Now come, as the sinner that you are, to your God who loves you. For God wants you as you are, not desiring anything from you—a sacrifice, a good deed—but rather desiring you alone. “My child, give me your heart!” (Prov. 23:26)...

The mask you wear in the presence of other people won’t get you anywhere in the presence of God. God wants to see you as you are, wants to be gracious to you. You do not have to go on lying to yourself and to other Christians as if you were without sin ...

Christ made us into the community of faith, and in that community Christ made the other Christian to be grace for us. In the presence of another Christian, I no longer need to pretend. In another Christian’s presence I am permitted to be the sinner that I am, for there alone in all the world the truth and mercy of Jesus Christ rule ...

Although confession is an act in the name of Christ that is truly complete in itself and is practiced in the community as often as there is a desire for it, confession serves the Christian community especially as a preparation for the participation together in the Lord’s Supper. Reconciled to God and human beings, Christians desire to receive the body and blood of Jesus Christ. It is the command of Jesus that no one should come to the altar with a heart unreconciled to another Christian ...

The day before the Lord’s Supper, together will find the members of a Christian community with one another, each asking of the other forgiveness for wrongs committed. Anyone who avoids this path to another believer cannot go to the table of the Lord well prepared. All anger, strife, envy, malicious gossip, and conduct to the detriment of one another must have been done away with if all wish to receive together the grace of God in the sacrament ...

One forgives all the sins of the other in the name of Jesus and the triune God. And among the angels in heaven there is joy over the sinner who returns to God. Thus the time of preparation prior to the Lord’s Supper will be filled with admonition and consolation of one another, with prayers, anxiety, and joy."

Amen and amen.

And blessings to you on this beautiful Friday morning—

Yours,
Tara B.

In our women’s study last Wednesday, we discussed the hope, assurance, and confidence we have in this life because of our justification—that once and for all transaction (double imputation!) whereby our sins are put on Christ and His righteousness is apportioned to us by faith and we are born again! Passing from death to life, darkness to light—God justifies us once and forever, for always. And nothing—not angels or demons, anything in Heaven above or on the earth beneath, nothing can separate us from the love of God our Father. We are justified.

'Course, the problem comes when we struggle with sin (again); we are lukewarm or even altogether apathetic to the things of God and even God Himself (again); we “feel” distant from God, etc. etc. What do we do, then? In those dark moments when we are tempted to doubt?

Well ... I tried in our women’s study to give some encouragement and helpful ideas, but it took like a zillion words, way too much time, and I’m not sure it was even all that helpful. But today? I was rereading John Piper’s When the Darkness Will Not Lift—Doing What We Can While We Wait for God-and Joy and in his inimitable way, he captures what I WISH I had said in TWO LITTLE WORDS:

"Gutsy Guilt."

"Gutsy guilt means learning to live on the rock-solid truth of what happened for us when Jesus Christ died on the cross and rose again from the dead. It means realizing that in this life we will always be sinful and imperfect. Therefore in ourselves we will always be guilty. This will prove emotionally devastating if we do not discover the reality of justification by faith, that is, the secret of gutsy guilt. This is not the only weapon with which we fight for joy in the darkness of discouragement, but it is one of the most foundational and the most important."

Mmmmmmmmm. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

(Oh, and this is a great, TINY little book that I strongly recommend. One of the next sections is entitled, "Confusing Justification and Sanctification Will Kill Joy". So again, I say, “Yes! Yes! A Thousand times yes!”)

Off into our Saturday now—

Blessings to you and yours,
Tara B.

One of the best teachers out there today:

Paige Benton Brown — The Responsive Heart

(Thanks for this link, Nikki! )

Well ... apparently I have an inappropriately strong (idolatrous) desire that my family NOT be woken up at 6AM by taxi drivers.

I know this because Fred and I tried something new this morning ... we gave the ol' Billings “taxicab” service (and I use those quotation marks intentionally!) a try so that the entire family wouldn’t have to wake up at 5:45AM to take me to the airport.

(We were particularly concerned about sweet Ellie because she was cookin' with a fever around 101 or 102 after her six-month old shots, poor love.)

Of course, in my (careful? organized? controlling? OCD?) way, I even called the taxi company last night just to BE SURE that no driver would ring a doorbell or knock loudly on a door at 6AM. “Oh, no! We would never do that!”

Uh-huh. OK. Sure.

So why did my pitch-black silent house suddenly fill with a barking dog, crying baby, and bleary-eyed six year-old in response to not ONLY the doorbell being rung (repeatedly!) but also some seriously loud BANGING? Oh, and this wasn’t even at the time I was supposed to be ready (because I would’ve been watching the door). Oh no. This was TEN minutes early (!!).

Nice.

Well ... whatever the management problems of this business are (and there appear to be many because in addition to our little challenging start to the day, there was a none-too-pleased businessman in the front seat of my cab who had reserved a ride directly to the airport fifteen minutes BEFORE my time and wasn’t that happy to find himself waiting in some woman’s driveway and sharing the ride) ... the REAL problem in this situation was my HEART.

I was very, VERY upset.

Fred? The one left at home, having to deal with the crying baby and tired six year-old? He was gracious and kind and immediately said, “Don’t worry about it, Tara.” (I felt AWFUL that everyone was woken up because of me! Especially because I REALLY did everything I could to have that exact thing NOT happen.)

Apparently, ol' Steady Freddy does not have an idolatrous heart about this issue.

But the good news in all of this is that I really did keep reminding myself that, yes, this situation revealed an ugly part of my heart and yes, I was called to repent. But also? That God is faithful and just to forgive me (again). That growth in grace is demonstrated not only in our avoiding temptation and NOT sinning ... but also in how QUICKLY we run back to God and cry out in faith, “Father! Please forgive me for Jesus' sake” when we do sin.

So even as I walked through multiple airports and sat on multiple flights, each time I was tempted to look only at myself (and thus, despair!), instead? I begged God to give me the grace to believe what He says is true–that He is the Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God. Slow to anger, He abounds in love and faithfulness and maintains love to even a wicked, rebellious, sinful woman like me (Exodus 34!).

Oh, alleluia and amen! May it be so. Thank You, God, that it is so.

Off to nighty-night now. Praying for the CE&P team as they do their final prep for this weekend’s conference. May Christ be lifted up and draw us to Himself!

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

Between Two Worlds linked to a great David Powlison article and I encourage you to check it out:

Desire 101: Putting First Things First

Just listen to a few of the questions that are asked (and answered):

- How can you tell if a desire is inordinate rather than natural?

- Doesn’t the word lusts properly apply only to bodily appetites: the pleasures and comforts of sex, food, drink, rest, exercise, health?

- Can desires be habitual?

- What about fears? They seem as important in human motivation as cravings.

- In counseling, do you just confront a person with his sinful cravings?

- Can you change what you want?

Today’s Peacemaker Ministries PeaceMeal was entitled “The Maturity of Being Winsome”. Here is an excerpt:

"If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Matthew 18:15

We need to let go of the idea that showing someone his fault always requires direct confrontation. Although that approach will be appropriate in some situations, we should never do it automatically. Instead, we should ask God to help us discern the most winsome and effective way to approach a particular person at a particular time and to open the way for genuine reconciliation.

(Adapted from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 145.)

Food for Thought

When Ken wrote, “Instead, we should ask God to help us discern the most winsome and effective way…” he used the word winsome. Do you know what that word means?

The dictionary defines it this way: Generally pleasing and engaging, often because of a childlike charm and innocence.

Most of us are not winsome."

Amen to THAT.

Right now?
Even as I prep three teachings for an upcoming event?

I am anything but winsome. The first word that jumps to mind to describe me right now? SURLY:

"Inclined to anger or bad feelings with overtones of menace. Irritated, bad-tempered, unfriendly."

So we’d better look up MENACE, don’t you think?

"A troublesome or annoying person: a toddler who was a menace in a shop full of crystal."

Well, apparently Ken Sande nails it spot-on, yet again.

Just when I thought I might be growing even a tiny bit. Making a little progress. Putting aside childish things.

Tempted to be overly-confident? (Maybe.) Forgetting how HARD it is to persevere when you feel hopeless? Forgetting how AWFUL conflict feels? (Especially when you really really REALLY try to do a good job, serve well, give it your best—and people are STILL mad at you and blame you for things beyond your control?!) (Maybe.)

Tempted to preach a (nicely organized, even helpful) list of “ten steps” and “to-do's” (with lots of Scripture of course). (Maybe.)

Needing to be kicked back yet again to see myself rightly?

"The uncomfortable truth is that even though we say we have a Christocentric worldview, when the pressure is on, we often shift to an egocentric view of our situation. We think selfishly rather than redemptively." (Susan Hunt, True Woman)

(Yup. That’s me.)

Oh oh oh! Who will rescue me from this troublesome, annoying, apparently VERY immature, not winsome body of death?

"For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent,
and for Jerusalem’s sake I will not be quiet,
until her righteousness goes forth as brightness,
and her salvation as a burning torch.

The nations shall see your righteousness,
and all the kings your glory,
and you shall be called by a new name
that the mouth of the Lord will give.

You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord,
and a royal diadem in the hand of your God." Isaiah 62:1-3

Note: This doesn’t say, “You MAY POSSIBLY be a crown of beauty.” This does not say, “If you get your act together, you MAY POSSIBLY be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord.” No. “You shall.” "You shall." Why? Why so assured? Especially given the day I’m having? Why so completely and utterly MANDATED, promised, covenanted?

Because God will have His way. He makes the covenant. He keeps the covenant. He chooses sinners unto Himself. He keeps (redeemed, justified, adopted) sinners unto Himself. He justifies and He sanctifies. He saves us and He grows us in grace.

Left to our own devices, we would have no hope.

Today? Right now? Looking only at my heart and my circumstances, I have no hope.

And so ... and so ...

"I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep." Psalm 121:1-4

"Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah,
Pilgrim through this barren land.
I am weak, but Thou art mighty;
Hold me with Thy powerful hand.
Bread of heaven, bread of heaven,
Feed me till I want no more;
Feed me till I want no more."

Amen.

I only have a second because I’m typing this on Fred’s laptop and he has to leave for work soon ...

But I wanted to tell you three graces that God gave me yesterday that helped me to not sin as I tried to dig out from the chaos that had taken over (literally) every single room in our tiny little home. As I worked to tackle the piles (and piles and PILES) of stuff (suitcase and box that needed unpacking, mail to sort and deal with, craft and school and science fair stuff everywhere, sick-kid-survival-mode-areas strategically placed throughout the house filled with books and CDs and projects), I remembered:

1. That Paul Tripp quote from “A Quest for More” that I read at the retreat on Saturday (about a mother “in a flash of irritation” sacrificing the relationship she is supposed to have with her child on the altar of her desire for order/cleanliness) and I really TRULY prayed that God would help me to NOT do that.

2. I remembered how hard Fred worked to keep things orderly and how, actually, they WERE quite orderly (underneath the piles there was a strong undercurrent of non-chaos). And I really wanted to communicate to Fred how grateful I was. I felt grateful! I wanted to demonstrate gratitude. And I knew that being frustrated and angry was not the way to do it.

3. In a “moment of sanity” I told myself that a) At some point (maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week), there WOULD be order again (I really did have a dining room table underneath all of that stuff, somewhere!); and b) I didn’t really want to have to repent later for sinning NOW to get to that orderly point.

Was I 100% successful? No. But I was definitely BETTER than I’ve been at other times.

Total grace.

And today? I get to have a 100% TECHNOLOGY-FREE-DAY because Fred is doing something with my laptop that requires me to NOT TOUCH IT.

Wow. I can’t think of the last time I went an entire day without email or facebook, etc. I think it was the time at my event in Florida when my laptop’s AC charger fritzed out and I was left with nothing other than a hotel PEN the entire weekend (and the three flights home). Wow. That was a long stretch.

But today? I’m thinking glitter and glue and Valentine’s Day box creation time. And maybe some cookies in matching aprons? Oh, only if Soph feels up to it. (I just asked her and she said through her croupy little cough, not even raising her fevered head above the pillow, “OK, Mom.”) Hmmmmmm ... maybe we’ll just snuggle the day away and watch musicals and operas.

Please bear with my lack of response on email and fb and blog comments today!

Cutting the string to the Internet now—

Yours,
Tara B.

I was making it home yesterday just fine when WHAM! I went from an experienced frequent flyer (bopping along to some tunes, interspersing work and rest, happily trying to be kind to people and not overly concerned with my own comfort) to a troubled and sad woman.

And the strange thing is, it all happened so fast. (My emotions really ARE prone to swells and dips, aren’t they?)

It’s 3:30AM now and I’m about to go down into the office and work on packing my SC orders, but first I thought I’d pray. (OK. FIRST I thought I’d check email and FaceBook. Just being honest.) And THEN I thought, “Wow! I need to pray.”

To do so? In moments like these when my heart is grouchy and troubled and angst-ridden? I need to write. Praying out loud or silently to myself just doesn’t cut it. There’s something about the tactile transfer of words to page (or words to screen) that helps me to stay organized and (hopefully!) better equip me for faith’s fight against sin (or grieving with hope or casting all my cares on the Lord because He cares for me—whatever the situation du jour requires).

After some time processing, this is what I’ve come up with:

- Just as “Fight 37” continues to tempt Fred and me in our marriage, my restless heart last night had at its root absolutely nothing new. Bottom line? I was rejected last night and I felt the sting of past rejection last night and I feared further rejection last night.

- Yup. It was my old nemesis: Fear of Man. Rather than finding myself wholly in Christ; rather than being defined wholly by His love for me and His care for me; rather than staking my claim on His finished work (the gospel!) ... I wanted people to want me. And when they didn’t? (Or I just FELT like they didn’t?) My heart was tempted to despair.

(Oh oh oh. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God ...)

Ironically, the actual rejection didn’t even hurt me that much. It was from dear Eleanor! And even I, messed up ol' Tara, could understand why a little six month-old baby who had only been held by her father for five straight days would cry and cry and CRY during our 30-second transfer in between getting me home from the airport and Fred’s needing to leave for his deacon’s meeting at church. Does my baby not love me? Of course not. After a few minutes, did she figure out that she actually adores me and feels safe with me and did she calm right down and fall asleep snuggled into me? Yes. Thankfully. (Especially because she is, like Sophie, getting sick now which is very concerning to me since RSV is going through our little town again.)

So that was unpleasant. (Happy as a clam baby in her father’s arms. Transfer to me? COMPLETE BABY CRUMPLE FACE!! Back to Fred? Cooing and sweet. Handed to me? Cry scream weep cry. Nope. Not pleasant.)

But it didn’t really HURT me. She was just a tired, not feeling well, little muffin. I mostly felt bad for her. Her “rejection” didn’t wound me.

It was actually the remembrance of past rejection and the fear of future rejection that touched a deeply wounded place in me—a place that I honestly believed was a little more healed and sound and mature than was evidenced last night.

The past rejection was, I believe, brought out of my subconscious mind and thrust into my conscious existence by a series of sensory experiences I had in one of my (four) airports yesterday.

It happened at the end of a long layover that had otherwise been very pleasant (laptop plugged in; cranking through actionable emails; enjoying conversations off and on with my mother, mother-in-law, and Fred; ordering some educational materials for Sophie; totally enjoying my first dessert of the weekend—a tall mocha frappuccino extra shot no whip—YUM!) ...

But when it came time to move towards my gate, I bopped along to an old Keith Green album (hearing), looked out the window and saw the mountains (sight), and could still smell and taste my mocha frappuccino. Then, without warning, I had the strongest remembrance of the time in my life when I was wracked by the greatest pain and the greatest rejection I have ever felt. It was far worse than the suffering related to my childhood, because just as Psalm 55 so powerfully captures, this was a pain related to a brother in Christ. And thus, it was devastating:

"If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.

But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,

with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God." Psalm 55:12-14

In a wave of swirling emotions last night, I remembered with horror how hopeless and helpless and unloved and beyond redemption I felt during that time of life. I even remembered (although I am SO shamed to admit this!) how I entertained the thought, in that very airport of not going home to Fred. Ever.

What a wicked thought! But I had it. I started to tell myself that my life would be better if I just walked out through security, rented a car, drove it as far as I could, left it by the side of the road, and then walked as far as I could into the desert until I found a diner where I could get a job under a false name and live the rest of my life. Alone.

I know that must sound crazy to you. Today? February 2, 2010? It sounds crazy to me too. But at that time? In my pain? I really did relate to what the psalmist wrote:

"My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death assail me.

Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.

I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest-

I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
Selah

I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm." Psalm 55:4-8

Back then, after an extended season of suffering, all I wanted to do was “fly away.”

Thankfully, even though it cut my heart like a knife (!); and though I remember that I was the very last person to board my plane, I did not run away from that airport those many years ago. Instead, I went home and confessed to Fred my temptation to flee from my troubles.

Miraculously, he did not respond with judgment and rejection as I confessed such a faithless and evil temptation. Instead, he said one of the most gracious things that anyone has ever said to me in any context:

"I would have found you, Tara. If you hadn’t gotten off of that plane in Billings, I would have been on the next flight to find you and I never would have stopped searching until I brought you home."

("What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? ...")

All of these thoughts and remembrances came washing over me as I headed to my gate. But even that was OK. I was mostly rejoicing in God’s grace in keeping me in Him throughout that challenging time. I was grateful that my current life situation was not one of raw, daily suffering like so many people I know and care about.

I was doing OK. But then ...

Then I began to think more and more (and more) about a current situation I am facing wherein I’m fairly certain I am being criticized and judged (and rejected) by a group of people to a group of people and oh! It just makes me sad. No, that’s not completely true. The truth is that it makes me sad, yes, but it also makes me MAD. Especially because I truly feel that their view of me is unfair and unwarranted.

(Whoops! My practical theology is showing with that statement isn’t it. I talk a good ("confessional theology") game re: the doctrines of indwelling sin and total depravity, but when push comes to shove, my PRIDE rears up against TRUTH and deep down I want to defend and vindicate myself. I can coach and teach The Cross and Criticism with the best of them, but actually LIVING IT OUT?! Well, crud.)

(Oh, and by the way, as Fred gently reminded me last night ... Probably? The people I am tempted to obsess over aren’t even thinking of me AT ALL. More than likely, I’m not even a blip on their radar screen because people really do think of us a LOT LESS than we can ever imagine.)

The truth is that it is HARD to live for Christ alone, by faith alone, for God’s glory alone. It is hard to die to self. Left to our own devices, we usually WANT to “fit in” and “be liked” (and we will expend a lot of time, emotions, effort, and energy trying to get people to think well of us and “choose us”).

Fear of man really is a snare!

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trust in the Lord is kept safe." Proverbs 29:25

That is our only hope.

I knew it last night, even as my heart was heavy. I kept TRYING to beat back against my emotions with truth. I even said out loud, “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” (Psalm 118:6-7).

I reached out to two dear friends and asked them to pray for me.

I reviewed old journal entries on suffering and remembered:

"What God ordains is always good: His will is just and holy. As he directs my life for me, I follow meek and lowly. My God indeed in every need knows well how he will shield me; to him then I will yield me.

What God ordains is always good: He never will deceive me; He leads me in his own right way, and never will he leave me. I take content what he has sent; his hand that sends me sadness, will turn my life to gladness.

What God ordains is always good: His loving thought attends me; No poison can be in the cup that my physician sends me. My God is true each morning new I trust his grace unending, my life to him commending.

What God ordains is always good: He is my loving father. He never seeks to do me harm though many storms may gather. Now though I know both joy and pain, some day I shall see clearly, that he has loved me dearly.

What God ordains is always good; This truth remains unshaken. Though sorrow, need, or death be mine, I shall not be forsaken. I fear no harm, for with his arm He shall embrace and shield me; So to my God I yield me."

Did remembering truth fix everything and suddenly make me 100% happy and at peace? No.

But remembering truth—God is real; all of history is on a timeline of redemption; I am no longer an orphan; this life is short; eternity is my real home; God is growing me in grace and HE will complete the good work He has begun; what can man do to me?—did help. Oh, and I also left EVERYTHING a total wreck in the house last night (which is very out of character for me). I didn’t even try to unpack one bag or catch up on one administrative email.

I just climbed into bed with the girls, read, cuddled, and went to sleep (because I also recognized that some of my temptations last night were simply tied to me being physically and mentally exhausted).

There is grace for the day! And the Lord will never reject His children (Psalm 27:10).

Off to pack some orders now ...
(In the battle. But striving to remember that the battle is already won.)

Happy Tuesday to you!

Your friend,
Tara B.

* WARNING * PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THIS POST DISCUSSES AN ADULT TOPIC THAT MIGHT NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AGES * WARNING *

Please consider joining me in prayer this week for all of the people serving at and attending the CCEF Conference: S*x Matters. And please do consider keeping tabs on their communications next weekend because hopefully someone will be live-blogging the entire event and I just know it’s going to be great.

Yes, it may be strange in some ways to talk about this topic so openly and intensely. (At least it is for me.) But it is also so very important! And I trust the CCEF staff 100% to approach it from a Christ-centered, Christ-exalting, biblically-faithful manner.

Plus, just reading some (excellent!) recent blog posts by Tim Challies and his wife, Aileen on the topic of s*x has already helped me to more comfortably broach the topic with some young adults in my life—and I am so grateful.

Single, engaged, married, divorced, widowed ... s*x affects us all. And yet it can so often be treated as “the topic that shall not be discussed.” It really shouldn’t be that way! Gracious, God-centered living in authentic community (within churches that love us enough to discipline us and help us to grow in grace) MEANS that we are going to be willing to talk about s*x.

I can give you lots of examples of this from my own Christian life (some good, some bad):

- A Christian friend reaching out to me in college over her struggle with habitual m*sturbation and dark s*xual thoughts. And me pretty much whiffing the ball and giving some (loving but) lame response that I still cringe over because I simply had NO IDEA HOW TO HELP HER.

- My own struggles (and failures!) re: s*xual sins as a teenager and young adult and the increasing GUILT that burdened me (and then often tempted me to sin even more).

- A church leader coming to me when I was in college and loving me enough to engage with me on this topic. He was so humble and gentle. He shared appropriately from his own struggles, pointed me to Christ, encouraged me, AND committed to praying regularly for me. (So many times when I was tempted, I thought to myself, “This church leader is praying for ME!” I can’t tell you what that meant to me.)

- My spiritual grandfather (Grandpa Bernie) talking so comfortably with me about his desire to remarry a wonderful woman after the loss of his beloved wife of 53 years. He had such a twinkle in his eye as we played Rummikub and he discussed not only her intellect, spiritual beauty, generous heart—but also how nice it would be to have someone “to have an to hold if you know what I mean” again. (What a guilt-free, pure & light, beautiful image of s*x the way God intended it! That had a huge impact on me as a college student. I said to myself, “I want THAT! 53+ years of THAT.”)

- Fred’s generous, gracious, lavish forgiveness of me as I confessed my sins to him during our courtship. (And his humble response of, “I’ve sinned much worse than that in my own MIND” to comfort me and remind me that he is just like me—even though it sure didn’t feel so at the time.)

- One of Fred’s brothers and his wife loving us enough to sit down with us during our engagement and talk about s*x. It was SO AWKWARD!! But so many times, especially during our first few years of married life, their counsel, concrete examples, and encouragement came back to me and were a huge help to me as a young wife.

- Dear friends in grad school sitting down with us during our engagement and asking us hard, direct questions about our physical relationship because they were concerned that we may be slipping into s*xual sin before marriage and they didn’t want us to miss out on the joy of an unsullied marital bed. (What courage!)

- Countless (direct, specific, saying the words that make me uncomfortable in the moment but that are SO IMPORTANT!) conversations with young people over the years re: what they are or aren’t doing with their significant others and what they are or aren’t watching on the internet / tv / at the movies.

- One of my elder’s wives being such a true friend and talking with me about our s*x life during that very rough season Fred and I went through when Sophie was a toddler and we miscarried our second child. I did NOT want to talk with her! It was so awkward for me, but she was such a real friend to me and such a real help to our marriage.

Obviously, I could go on and on, but I won’t.

I will, however, encourage you to:

- Read Tim Challies FREE ebooks: Sexual Detox for the Married Guy and Sexual Detox for the Single Guy (and keep checking back on his blog for more articles by him and guest posts by his wife).

- Read everything you can get your hands on re: s*x from CCEF! In just a few clicks, I found this great article by Winston Smith on “Premarital Counseling, Pornography, and Marriage”, a two-part series by David Powlison on Breaking Pornography Addiction, another great read by Winston Smith, “It’s All About Me: The Problem with M*xturbation,” and a three-part video series by David Powlison on marital intimacy.

- Take some time and really listen to (study / take notes on) Thabiti Anyabwile’s sermon series on S*X: “Keepin' It Real”, and anything and everything on the topic of s*xuality from the DesiringGod website (but be warned—there is a wealth of information there, so that will take some serious time).

- TALK with others about all that you learn / know / struggle with / doubt. Be real. Reject the myth of chronic uniqueness—you are NOT the only one struggling with s*x. You don’t have to “have it all together” before you can lovingly, gently try to help another person. (If that were the case, no one would ever talk with anyone!) It may feel impossible, but it’s not—we can get help. Confess. Encourage. DISCUSS. Pray. Study. Be real. Love.

Hope this helpful to you!

I am so grateful for the friends and church leaders over the years who have loved God and loved me enough to help me with this important topic. I really pray that we will all be equipped to be gospel-soaked light and salt in our own spheres of influence.

Blessings on your day!
– Tara B.

PS
I just realized that I forgot to explain the title for this post ... It’s because Sophie had a serious consequence (a double trouble painful consequence) right before we left home on this trip because she quickly glanced at my computer screen after I told her (quickly!) to LOOK AWAY. (There was some inappropriate ad on the side of YouTube.) She knows not only the rules ("When Momma says to close your eyes or look away, you OBEY!"); but the reason behind the rules. ("There are inappropriate things out there and we can easily be fixated by them, especially when we are younger, but really throughout our entire life. And if we LINGER, if we DRINK THEM IN, they can have a profoundly destructive influence on our hearts." — Such was the case with my own saturating exposure to p*rnography at a tragically very, very early age.)

And yet she (like all of us) was tempted. And in this case, she indulged. I wasn’t angry, but my heart was grieved and concerned. Oh how I prayed that the Spirit of Christ would help her heart to SO LOVE BEAUTY that she was detest that which is dark, sullied, the privation of good. That she would learn, truly learn, that the way of the sinner is HARD. But oh! There are blessings in obedience.

And I prayed for her husband and Ella’s husband too. I begged God to protect them all from the ravages and baggage and devastation of s*xual dalliances, indulgences, and addictions. How I pray that if my girls are called to marry one day, that they will enjoy free, happy, deliriously delightful s*xual relationships with their husbands—men who are free to enjoy the same because they are not having to work to overcome and damage caused by a life of indulging in s*xual sin.

SDG! For the King and His Kingdom. For His glory and our good. This is my prayer. – tkb

* WARNING * PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THIS POST DISCUSSES AN ADULT TOPIC THAT MIGHT NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AGES * WARNING *

Years ago, my dear friend Joe Adams gave me some great advice re: disciplines / health goals, etc.

I was trying to cut back on my soda consumption. (Yes, yes, I know how HORRIBLE soda is. Truly. But it’s still hard for me to give up.) And he encouraged me to NOT think of it as “giving up soda,” but instead to have a nice big glass of cold water (from a GLASS glass, not something plastic because glass makes it taste so much better) BEFORE I have a soda. Because just by adding in something good, my desire of something less health/redemptive would lessen.

And he was right.

Plus, it doesn’t feel like such a “discipline” or burden or sacrifice to ADD IN something good. (But “giving up” can be so hard.) Here are some other examples from my recent days:

- I (finally!) started walking Lilikoi in the mornings again. Yes, it’s hard to bundle up and get out the door, but once I’m out in the fresh air with my Golden Retriever at my side? I’m so happy. AND, the closed-in-walls of a life only inside isn’t as attractive to me any more.

- Whenever I go too long without regular devotional time in the Word and study time in the Word, it can be a discipline to get back into the groove as it were. But once I do? My heart and my mind quicken and I think to myself, “WHY did I not do this every day?! Thank You, God, for Your Written Word!”

- One orange BEFORE I eat that piece of candy? And suddenly I don’t crave the candy as much any more.

I could go on and on, but I hear a baby stirring so I need to scoot.

Thanks for the great advice, Joe! I’m praying that today will be a day of adding in one good thing (and then another and then another).

Blessings!
– Tara B.

Oh! I have so very, very far to go in my sanctification and conformity to Christ. (Evidenced, for example, by my frustration and even anger this week. Ergh! You would think I would gear up a little better for these times of temptation. And yet, so often, I get caught again and again in old patterns.)

There are moments of growth, however. And I am rejoicing in two examples from this week:

1. There was a time in our travels when I could feel frustration and anger beginning to grow in my heart. (I think it was when I was trying to pack us up to leave for Yellowstone. I needed to think through every single thing that a baby, five year old, and family might need on a LONG car grip; then I needed to organize it and pack it; BUT Ella was miserable and crying and needed to be held. I knew I could stop and hold the baby OR I could keep organizing and packing. But I couldn’t do both.)

And here is the miracle of growth in grace! Instead of staying in my (habitual) rut of sin and getting angry, God’s grace helped me to do something different. (Faith is often doing something that doesn’t feel natural, isn’t it?) Specifically, I said to Fred, “I am starting to feel very frustrated because I feel the pressure to do something that I simply cannot do.” And he said, “Let’s not do that! What can I do?” And he paused from what he was doing to comfort Ella so that I could finish my part of the packing process. And boy! That was a much better start to our day than the typical “Tara feels crushed and overwhelmed because she can’t do what she has to do and so she responds with anger and frustration” fight. Hooray for growth!

2. Yesterday morning, our home was littered with things needing cleaning, organizing, unpacking, etc. And I was extremely tired—physically, emotionally, mentally. I was just wiped out. Usually? Exhaustion tempts me (big time!) to sin. I might try to escape with overeating. Or maybe just be short-tempered with Sophia. But instead? (Hooray! God’s grace!) I simply took it very, very slow and left most of the chaos for most of the day. I spent time with Sophia and Ella. I read. I touched base with a friend.

And when I was ready to try to delve a little bit into my tasks? I started NOT by dealing with the suitcases and pile of stuff from the car trip, but by working on organizing Sophia and Ella’s room (which really needed some attention—but not nearly as much as our home needed things unpacked). That way, I could sit on the floor with the girls and Lilikoi and get SOMETHING done, even though I wasn’t ready yet to do the very hard job that was vying for my attention. And then? In the late afternoon when I WAS ready to tackle unpacking and laundry, my heart was in such a better place that I could do so with joy.

I know these two things might not seem like much to most of you. But for me? This is great growth for me and I am extremely grateful.

One day at a time ...
Little by little ...
Like the slow boring of wood.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

Amen!

And happy Saturday to you all—

Blessings,
Tara B.

Well ... given the grouchy, grumbly response I had to the fact that my mother (inexplicably!) gave MY email address (my GOOD email address, not my SPAM/throw away email address) to a travel reservation website, I am sorely convicted that, apparently, my email address is an idol in my sin-sick heart.

Yes, what she did was unwise. But it was a mistake and there is absolutely NO way she meant to inconvenience me (more or less hurt me) in any way.

If my heart were not so focused on ME, I would have instinctively responded with patience and kindness (and a gentle, but firm request that she NEVER give my email address out to ANYONE ever, ever again).

Thankfully, God convicted me and in my call BACK to her, I was able to make such a request (AFTER apologizing for being a jerk in our first call). She’s very forgiving, so I think we’re squared away OK.

But I’m still (obviously) struggling a bit having just received the first of what I assume will be thousands of SPAM survey/etc. emails from this company. (And yes, of course, as soon as I found out what happened, I went to their privacy policy (which was a cul de sac of statements none of which lead to an “opt out” solution) and tried to unsubscribe from everything that is about to flood my Inbox. But, of course, those options were fake too.)

So apparently God is going to use this (minor! but very real!) inconvenience to show me more of my heart that is in desperate need of further sanctification.

Just like He did MOMENTS after we took communion at church today ...

I wanted to get Ella out of the service during the last song so that she wouldn’t be re-exposed to all of these flus and bugs and colds we have going through our community. So I took her out of the sanctuary and looked for our car seat in the closet (where I ALWAYS put it). No car seat. So I went out in the rain to the car, thinking maybe Fred left it in the car for some reason. Nope. No car seat.

So I headed BACK into the church building just as everyone was getting out of the service. And I was so tempted to be frustrated and angry with Fred! Moments after receiving the body and blood of Jesus. Moments after being reminded in a Sunday School and a church service of how great and holy God is, and yet how merciful He is too.

And I’m tempted to be mad at my husband over such a little nothing.

You know, it’s times like these that I USED TO really question whether I was even a Christian. “How could a CHRISTIAN be such a selfish jerk?!” I would wonder. A LOT.

But now? By God’s grace, times like these are turning into (embarrassing, yes, but REAL LIFE) precious reminders of just how compassionate and gracious God REALLY IS to sinners. How our relationship with Him truly IS dependent on HIM (and not our good works). How perfection WILL COME. Absolutely. For sure. We ARE going to get our acts together one of these days ...

That’s called Heaven. And we will be with Him and like Him, for we shall see Him as He truly is. HIS sanctifying work in us will be complete and we will struggle with sin no longer.

Oh! How I long for that day.

"Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is." 1 John 3:2

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

Well ... these two days have not been at all what I expected or wanted.

The extraordinary amount of blood coming out of my knee (over and over again) terrified me. In my sleepless night, replaying it over and over again in my mind, I realized that I’ve never been around anything like that. I’m not in the medical profession. I’ve never been in a car accident or around anyone who has been shot. So other than that horrible, last-scene-in-E.R.-when-the-loved-one-dies, HOLLYWOOD fake blood situation, I really have no point of real-life reference for it.

And it really scared me.

Plus, of course, my little picture of doing Ella’s baby book downstairs while my mother-in-law was here for her visit and we all just hung out together went, you know, completely away. Instead, I’ve been upstairs. Immobile. In pain. Staring at my bedroom ceiling (when not trying to be distracted by The Closer and/or Burn Notice. Hooray for hulu.com!), unable even to hold Ella for very long because I don’t trust myself to not drop her.

BUT THEN ... but then ...

God is so gracious to mercifully speak to me, convict me, encourage me, rebuke me, and comfort me by His Spirit, through His Word. And even in this disorienting time when I have not gotten what I “wanted”, but have instead faced an entirely different set of circumstances, I must say that I am grateful.

Grateful that even though tomorrow morning’s decision point scares me (I will find out if I have to go BACK into more surgery to cauterize this vein) ... at least I have medical care and help and it’s going to ultimately be OK.

Grateful that, in addition to nursing, Ella has taken a bottle her entire life (just like Sophie), so none of these meds has been any risk to her at all. What a grace!

And most of all, grateful that I am not in control of my life. But God is. So even though I don’t understand this and I never would’ve chosen it (and I’m trying SO hard to not feel GUILTY about it because HAD I KNOWN this bleeding complication was going to happen, I NEVER NEVER would’ve tried to get this knee problem dealt with two-weeks-post-c-section) ... God is sovereign and I can trust Him.

And with that, I’m going to try to get a little sleep now.

(Oh! How I hope I won’t wake up to the blood-soaked-through-everything morning like yesterday! But even if I do, I’m going to be OK, right? This is what I keep trying to tell myself ...)

Hope your Wednesday was uneventful and even blessed for you!

G'nite and grace to you—

Yours,
Tara B.

Have you heard this anecdote from the life of C.S. Lewis?

After one of his classes, C.S. Lewis was asked which of the world’s religions gives its followers the greatest happiness. Lewis paused and replied: “While it lasts, the religion of worshiping oneself is best.”

Oh! Don’t you want to know what he said NEXT?

I wonder if it was anything like this:

"O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am! Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths ...

Surely a man goes about as a shadow! Surely for nothing they are in turmoil; man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather!

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

Deliver me from all my transgressions. Do not make me the scorn of the fool!

Surely all mankind is a mere breath! Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; hold not your peace at my tears!

For I am a sojourner with you, a guest, like all my fathers. Look away from me, that I may smile again, before I depart and am no more!" (Excerpts from Psalm 39)

Oh, how I pray that I will remember that my life is but a breath; this life is not my home.

May we live for God’s glory and our REAL HOME to come!

Blessings on your Thursday, my blog friends—

With love,
Tara B.

PS
As I type this, Fred and Sophie are having breakfast in the kitchen and this is the conversation I am overhearing:

(While HUMMING “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”), Sophie says, “I wish it were Sunday!”

“Why?” Fred asks.

"Because I’m in the CHURCH SPIRIT!"

“Ah,” Fred replies. “EVERY day is CHURCH SPIRIT day.”

As we chatted about gymnastics class yesterday, Sophie shared something with me that was quite profound. It was hard to hear at first—but then I simply rejoiced in God’s grace at work in her heart.

Our conversation went something like this:

"Mom? Something kind of bad happened at the beginning of gymnastics class. I was a little unkind in my heart to a certain new girl."

“Really? Tell me about that. What happened? Did you quarrel? Or did something just tempt you to be mean to her?”

“Yes. It was my just my heart. She didn’t do anything. I just didn’t like her when I met her because she was was bigger (fatter) than all of us.”

“Um-hmmmm. That sometimes happens to all of us. We meet someone and there is just something that is different about them and we instinctively don’t like them.”

“Yeah. But Mom? Here’s the great news! I didn’t like how my heart was feeling toward her. I knew it was wrong. And so I prayed and remembered that she was created in GOD’S image and guess what? My heart was totally different towards her! And we had a fun rest of class together!”

We went on to chat about how good God is to work in our hearts by His Holy Spirit. That God really IS sanctifying us and conforming us to be more like Jesus. That He really DOES give us the strength to resist when we are tempted.

And we also had a really good visit about how influential societal norms are — that even as non-television-watchers, we are surrounded by images of “perfect,” beautiful, THIN children and adults, all wearing “perfect” clothing, with “perfect” hair, etc. And society really screams at us that ONLY thin, beautiful, well-dressed people are “worthy” (of love, happiness, friendship, attention, care, respect).

But God says something altogether different. He says that people are created in His image and they have souls that will last forever. THEREFORE, even if a person has a deforming disability and instinctively we may be a little surprised or even uncomfortable, what matters is that the person is a PERSON, created in God’s image, and so we treat them with respect and care and honor.

(Ditto on a person who just looks different from us; has a scar or birthmark or growth; is severely overweight—like her mother, by the way, and not just because of the baby in utero; uses a wheelchair for mobility; walks with a gait, is missing a limb, or whose mind works differently from us.)

Oh! It was a profound conversation and I was so grateful that my daughter WANTS to talk about such things with me. I love getting to be a part of her life. I love getting to be PRESENT with her so that our hearts can be knit together. What a grace.

Much to do today! Swim lessons, taking care of my friend’s newborn and toddler, violin lessons, and then I think I’ll collapse for a bit ...

Blessed Tuesday to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

We’re almost done with our summer women’s study on Tim Keller’s “The Prodigal God”, and I think I speak for all of the women participating when I say that it’s been a wonderful, convicting, encouraging time of learning more about God, ourselves, and especially the GOSPEL. (I highly commend this book to you!)

Throughout the study, we’ve been trying to APPLY what we are learning, especially as it pertains to how many of us have “elder brother tendencies” to:

- Do “good” things (and avoid “bad”) things, but for wrong ("damnable") motivations
- Want the good things that God the Father gives us, but not REALLY want HIM
- Judge, criticize, and reject people who “don’t measure up” and people who are caught in sin

(And I could go on and on.)

I’m thinking about all of this in particular today as I awoke to the headlines of another “conservative” caught in sin. It’s horror to be sure and my heart breaks for that family.

But I am also reflecting on the elder brother blogs and commentaries that I’ve already seen with only five minutes of checking in on things:

"How COULD he?!"

“I just don’t UNDERSTAND this!”

“I would NEVER ...”

Not to make light of sin, of course. And yes, it is shockingly AWFUL when these kind of things comes out. (If it doesn’t offend and break your heart, then something is seriously wrong.)

BUT ... but ...

The truth is that, if we have even a basic, elementary understanding of the doctrine of indwelling sin, we KNOW “how we could do this.” Of course we “understand” this. And yes, even if it seems IMPOSSIBLE to us to imagine being unfaithful to our spouses. we know that sin is insidious, our hearts are bent, Satan is real, and before we should ever say, “I would NEVER ...” as regards any sin, we had better think very carefully and soberly about what we are saying.

All of this takes me back to many hours of my childhood, being in and out of the “AA” scene because of my alcoholic family.

(And no, I don’t think AA has a solid, biblical theology. And yes, I would and do point people to CCEF Resources on Addiction before I point people to AA. However ...)

“Old Timers” (people who’ve been around AA for a long time) usually respond to shocking admissions of sin and horribleness WAY differently than most Christians. They don’t say, “How COULD you?!”They say, "I’m just like you."

Shouldn’t this be our response in the Church?

Maybe I can’t relate to your EXACT sin and struggle. But I surely know what it is like to struggle with sin.

And yes, we are called to repent of our long list of specific sins—but how much more are we called to go deeper; to see ourselves rightly; to confess that it’s not just WHAT we do that needs forgiveness, it’s who we ARE that needs God’s mercy (our fallenness, “bent-ness”, unbelief, innate selfishness and pride).

We are all desperate for the Savior! Thank God that He has come and He has saved us and He IS saving us.

Now ... let’s walk this journey of growth in grace, growth in sanctification, TOGETHER; with mutual accountability, encouragement, discipline, rebuke, exhortation, faith, LOVE. Love for God and love for neighbor.

Oh, that one day, there would be more grace in our churches than there is at most AA meetings! Because we have the True Answer:

"Then Jesus told them ... ‘The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going. Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light.’" (John 12:35-36)

I’m really enjoying the quotes that keep being posted over at Christ is Deeper Still. It’s become an almost-daily read for me and this one is a good example of why:

"All sins are attempts to fill voids.

We might try to fill the voids we so deeply feel by doing bad things or by doing good things. When we salve the ache in our hearts, which only God himself can satisfy, by doing good things, we then feel proud and think God owes us and we get angry when he doesn’t fork over. When we salve the ache within by doing bad things, we feel shamed and think God despises us and slink away from him in bitterness and cynicism. But we are the ones complicating our souls.

Filling the void with anything but God is a sin. Sin can involve doing a good thing, or sin can involve doing a bad thing. But only God can comfort us. Only God can fill our souls with the magnitude of the One we long for. And he does, freely, on terms of grace. “For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God.” 1 Peter 3:18

To be empty and disappointed and brokenhearted does not disqualify you from God. It means God is near, if you’ll have him." Simone Weil

Yesterday, I was blessed to spend time with a precious, real, friend. ("Real" in that, she is seeing more and more of the ugliness of my heart and life—and not pulling back, not rejecting me. Isn’t that a real friend?)

As we closed our time together, I was struggling a bit with shame and embarrassment over some past sins that continue to haunt me. (When I think about them, I cringe. When I think about some of the ramifications, I lower my eyes and want to hide my face in shame.)

And my friend comforted me with only a few words, as she reminded me of some of the struggles and sins in her own life. Struggles and sins, by the way, that I have absolutely no problem believing that SHE is TRULY forgiven for. When I look at her? I don’t see those sins. I don’t even think about them.

She is not her past sins. They are forgiven! Covered. It’s like it doesn’t even register on my heart that these sins are in her past because I truly know that God’s grace is sufficient for them.

Ahhh! But therein lies the rub, eh? For, at times, I fail to appropriate, to believe, to have the hope and assurance that MY sins are similarly covered. Forgiven.

I woke up this morning grateful (for God’s mercy) AND convicted of my unbelief. (For who am I to doubt God’s Word? To doubt God’s promises? To somehow think that my sins are so special and so huge that God’s grace is not sufficient?)

"Come, let us talk this over, says the Lord; no matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you white as wool." Isaiah 1:18

My only hope.
My only hope.

And the reason I am heading into my day today, not despairing, but grateful.
For the Lamb Who was slain, Who takes away the sins of the world.

(And for friends who remind me of Truth when I am sorely tempted to forget.)

Blessings on your Friday, dear ones!

Yours,
Tara B.

Tim Challies posted to an excellent article that I encourage you to read:

Undressing P*ornography (by David Miles)

The only addition I would make to it is that lately, I have been seeing more and more women struggling with ruling lust / habitual sin cycles related to the topic. (Many times their temptations are less visual and more verbal–i.e., BOOKS–but the cycle can become quickly "A Banquet at the Grave" to use Ed Welch’s term for addiction.)

There is hope for every sinner! There really is a Savior–and He saves us not only from Hell in the next life, but from ourselves, the world, and Satan in this life.

What a grace. What a God. He really is the Feast that satisfies—unlike these false gods that tempt us and lie to us.

Blessings on your Monday!
– Tara B.

Over the past few weeks, my friend and I have been going through the The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation’s (CCEF’s) Crossroads Addictions Curriculum. It has, like all CCEF resources I’ve read, been both a challenge and a blessing.

As I have progressed through the curriculum, I have also gone back and re-read many of my LiveBlogs from the 2008 CCEF Conference: The Addict in Us All.

(If you’re interested in this topic at all, or if your church is interested in better ministering to the addicts in your midst—and believe me, you DO have them in your church whether you admit it and help them or not!—I encourage you to check out my LiveBlogs. I am a very fast typist and I pretty much transcribed the pre-conference events, general sessions and many of the workshops too.)

I appreciated so much Dr. Ed Welch’s opening plenary session at the conference ("Addiction, Temptation & Voluntary Slavery"). Consider just a tiny excerpt from what he shared:

"We gather as kindred spirits who share a similar mission–we are persuaded that Scripture is alive and deep and we desire to bring it to the problems in living. We want to bring Christ and Him crucified to the problems of living. As we do that, we hope to encourage the Church with loving encouragement and wise counsel.

(After describing a disturbing case study from his early years as a counselor …)

In the moment we begin to see the addict as “abnormal,” Scripture seems to drop below a whisper; it seems to go silent. And often we respond by putting addicts, “over there,” in one category or sub-class. We buy into the AMA diagnosis of addiction being a “medical disease.” We send people to AA—and they furiously underline and memorize passages in the AA Big Book because it just seems to relevant to their lives! But their Bibles remain pristine because it seems to be for “normal people” and they are not feeling very normal.

So there I was with my biblical worldview and then I met Mr. Gray (the case study) …

Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have people to confuse the clarity of our own minds?"

(As a Tara-aside here … I think that was absolutely one of THE BEST LINES of the entire weekend. “Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have people to confuse the clarity of our own minds?” So true! So true.)

Dr. Welch then went on to explain how the gospel DOES speak to this important topic and DOES bring not only clarity but REAL HELP for people who often feel very, very helpless. (As do the people who LOVE the people struggling with addiction.)

If you’d like to learn more, I encourage you check out all of the CCEF resources on their website. And you may also find these links helpful:

The entire LiveBlog of Ed Welch’s general session plenary can be found here.

In addition, I LiveBlogged Ed Welch’s pre-conference (half-day!) workshop on the Addictions Curriculum here. Or you can just read my summary of the pre-conference workshop here.

And, of course, ALL of my LiveBlogs and summaries from the entire conference can be found here.

Hope this material is helpful to you! It sure is helpful to me.

Blessings on your Sabbath—

Yours,
Tara B.

Tim Challies linked over to a great CCEF article that I encourage you to check out:

When the Problem Is S*xual Sin–A Counseling Model

The author, John Bettler, uses a three-tiered pyramid analogy (with “Lust Object” at the top, “Relational Lusts” in the middle and “Life-Meaning Luses” at the bottom) to illustrate his teaching points.

There are many excellent points that are useful for all struggles with sin, but they are particularly helpful for this “can be hard to talk about” (but SO common!) one.

If you are uncomfortable talking, encouraging, and lay-counseling about this topic (with your teenage children, adult friends, whomever), I encourage you to check it out. AND consider attending (and sending your church leaders to) the 2009 CCEF National Conference: Sex Matters.

(Fred and I are SO BUMMED that finances won’t allow us to attend this year’s CCEF Conference!)

Like all sin, this one is insidious, destructive, enslaving, and NEEDS to come out of the darkness and into the Light of the Gospel. More of us struggle with this sin than we EVER admit. It’s time to admit it and get help in the church.

God bless you! And Happy Monday–

Yours,
Tara B.

This morning when I woke up, my first thoughts were DARK:

1. I kept thinking of the mean words that an atheist wrote in a comment to our little “Books of the Bible” video:



I felt badly for him (what kind of person trolls around YouTube looking for Christian videos just so he can write mean words?). Plus, just the thought of how MEAN people can be on the internet (anonymous blog comments, flamingly rude emails meant only to attack and tear down) really got me down.

(Oh, and I deleted and banned the guy–so don’t look for his comment on the link above. I do the same thing when people use really bad language in our (relatively famous) Choza video.)

2. Thinking about people who are thusly extremely unkind got me thinking about the mini-wave of calls / in-person chats / blog comments / FB comments / emails that I seemed to attract this week which, even in their “didn’t mean to be hurtful” way were, well, challenging. Some were overt attacks. Most were simply normal life conversations that (even gently) pointed out areas of weakness, immaturity, even sin in me. Whatever the case, I saw (yet again) how far I have to go in this journey of sanctification and my focus began to be more and more on ME and so ...

3. All I REALLY wanted to just PULL THE COVERS UP OVER MY HEAD and NEVER come out and engage with life (especially PEOPLE) ever again.

Altogether now ... can you say MORBID INTROSPECTION? Because THAT was the word that was RINGING in my ears as I wallowed in the MUCK of my first thoughts this morning.

So what did I do? I prayed. I thanked God for being God and I asked Him to forgive my morbid introspection and proud self-focus. Then I asked for His help to change.

And guess what? Although I surely didn’t FEEL all that different after I prayed, God was SO gracious to help me to take two steps of simple obedience that DID help:

1. I actually got on our elliptical trainer and worked out for 45 minutes. You know. Once a year whether I need it or not.

2. I listened to the first lecture of Dr. Dan Doriani’s “Life and Teachings of Jesus” and WOW WOW WOW! What a JOY that was!! It was like being in Dr. Paul Jensen’s class again. It was SO edifying and interesting. (And, by the way, if you have a college-aged child or friend, especially if they are going to secular schools for undergrad and/or grad school–like I did–lectures like this are, I believe, REQUIRED to help them to prepare for the onslaught of, well, rude atheists who will attack every single thing they have ever been taught about Jesus, the Bible, etc. Not that all atheists are rude! But many are; and many are in academia; and if you’re not prepared–or if you don’t have a strategically placed BRILLIANT friend like I had in Dr. Jensen during those formative years–I would assume that it would be very easy to be led astray.)

So there you have it ...

From faithlessness and morbid self-introspection to a teeny tiny step of faithful obedience. All by God’s grace. All for His glory alone.

I’m so grateful that I’m not still in bed hiding under the covers.

There is grace for the day, friends! But if we focus on ourselves, our circumstances, or other people we will only ever despair.

May God help us all! (He does! He really does.)

Off to church now–
Sunday! The best day of the week.

With love,
Tara B.

In order to prep for my “Persevering with Grace When Our Leaders Let us Down” workshop (that I’ll be giving in Chattanooga on WEDNESDAY!), I am deep into pruning 80+ pages of notes down to 20.

(Eek!! Eek for the fact that these conferences are HERE this week and EEK that I still have so much work to do!!)

In the middle of my outlines, I found notes from a conversation I had years ago with my friend and spiritual mother (who happens to be YOUNGER than I am–but who is SO wise).

She was helping me because I was in a real spiritual funk (depression?) and one of her points was that I was not submitting to God and living in step with my current roles in life. I wasn’t content! And so I was turning to various sins to “escape” my unhappiness.

Over time, I had grown used to my sin. Whether it was anger, bitterness, escapism … I was used to it and it just felt like it would take WAY too much energy to ever change.

At that point in my life, I didn’t even remember what it felt like to have a dream and goal and purpose. I couldn’t remember what it was like to be happy.

I was sinning and it was tearing me in two.

Thankfully, my friend helped me to see how my MISERY was a sign of God’s covenant-keeping CARE!

Quoting Kris Lundgaard’s (wonderful!) book, The Enemy Within:

“Believers are the only people who ever find the law of sin at work in them. Unbelievers can’t feel it. The law of sin is a raging river, carrying them along; they cannot measure the force of the current, because they have surrendered themselves to it and are borne along by it. A believer, on the other hand, swims upstream—he meets sin head-on and strains under its strength.”

She reminded me that the biblical response is repentance and the hatred of sin:

- Admit sin
- Be confident that God forgives sin
- Put your faith in the finished work of Jesus!

God says to us in Ezekiel 18:22: “None of the offenses he has committed will be remembered against him.” Ephesians 2:4-5 reminds us that “God who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions.”

God’s forgiveness is not a begrudging forgiveness. It is his NATURE to forgive!

"The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin." Exodus 34:6-7

Your sins, no matter how big, are NOT bigger than God’s pleasure in forgiveness.

And then my friend prayed for me:

“Father, Tara has sinned. Again. Change needs to happen in her life. But it would be unjust for you to condemn her because you would exacting judgment twice for the same sin—from Christ, Tara’s Advocate, and from her.

Please help Tara to believe what she knows to be true: when we confess our sins, God is faithful and JUST to forgive us our sins (1 John 1:9). Jesus has already made atonement for her sin. He is her righteousness."

And she closed our conversation by exhorting me to NOT read the Psalms and say “This is what I should be doing but I’m not.” But instead to say, “This is what God is doing in me too. These things are possible for me because David’s Redeemer is MY Redeemer. He is my God as well.”

Psalm 32 ... “Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him ..."A good word, eh? And a good friend.

Thank God for grace!

Off to make my hubby and muffin some lunch and then get right back to work–

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
If I had to guess, these notes are probably ALSO a mixed combination of notes I took from some fantastic CCEF books and Pastor Alfred sermons too. Just wanted to mention this in case I’ve inadvertently quoted Ed Welch. Again.

Between Two Worlds linked to a great David Powlison article and I encourage you to check it out:

Desire 101: Putting First Things First

Just listen to a few of the questions that are asked (and answered):

- How can you tell if a desire is inordinate rather than natural?

- Doesn’t the word lusts properly apply only to bodily appetites: the pleasures and comforts of sex, food, drink, rest, exercise, health?

- Can desires be habitual?

- What about fears? They seem as important in human motivation as cravings.

- In counseling, do you just confront a person with his sinful cravings?

- Can you change what you want?

Ray Ortlund posted some thoughts on repentance over at "Christ is Deeper Still" and I’d love to hear your thoughts:

"If your brother sins, rebuke him. And if he repents, forgive him." Luke 17:3

How should we repent when rightly rebuked? In four ways:

1. “I was wrong.” Plain, honest, no evasions.

2. “I am sorry.” Brokenhearted, realizing the damage done.

3. “It won’t happen again.” Rebuilding trust for the future.

4. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” Performing deeds in keeping with repentance (Acts 26:20; Matthew 3:8 ).

“And let us be in earnest, not as fencers but as warriors.” Thomas Watson, The Doctrine of Repentance, page 122.

What do you think?

I actually have a tiny struggle with number 3 because at least in my experience, for most of my sins and struggles, I can be pretty much sure that it WILL happen again. So I would think something like this might be more accurate:

"By God’s grace, I REALLY want to do everything I can to CHANGE so that this never happens again. I am going to take these steps (X, Y, Z ...) to help me to not do this again. And if you ever see me struggling in this way, or if I ever do treat you this way again, will you please come to me and help me? I really don’t EVER want to do this again."

For a different take on repentance, TakeYourVitaminZ just posted a Piper video:



I particularly appreciated what Pastor Piper said about how introspection can be wise up to a point–but that if we are ONLY introspective, we will DESPAIR.

It is only as we look to CHRIST and look and look and look to Him, we find that His greatness and glory and power and love and righteousness and sufficiency awaken SELF-FORGETFULNESS in US and a hearty, “YES!” to HIM. And with our hearts fixed on the Cross, on Christ Himself, HE is our assurance.

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." Hebrews 10:19-25

God bless you as you face the challenges of this day! May we all run to Christ–for HE is FAITHFUL!

Your friend,
Tara B.

We got a letter in the mail today and I’m trying so hard not to panic.

It’s from the city of Billings and, apparently, we need to tear up the sidewalk in front of our house and put in a new sidewalk–or else the city is going to do it and charge us $2,000 (!!).

This is stressful to me in so many ways ...

2009 is already a year of less income and additional expenses for us. Our budget is thinner than it’s been since grad school.

Soph’s illness started in November, so we have huge medical bills from November and December–and THEN (right after meeting our deductibles for the year) we start over again with brand-new, huge medical bills from January. This pretty much wipes out our savings.

In addition to the cost for the sidewalk, the city says they are going to tear down one of our GORGEOUS old trees! We LOVE our old trees. They really give our old neighborhood character. I don’t want to lose our tree!

Plus, I seriously don’t know where we’re going to come up with $2,000.

And yet ... and yet ...

I know that our financial needs, while scary to me, are nothing compared to what some families are experiencing.

I know that we are not alone–we have a loving and supportive church and generous deacons who will give us good counsel, help as needed, and (hopefully!) the loan of a jackhammer and skilled labor to help too.

So, I’m trying not to panic. Really. I’m trying to respond with faith and remember all of the COUNTLESS ways God has amazingly provided for us in the past. How it’s “just money” and “just stuff.” God is sovereign. We’re going to be OK, etc. etc.

It is true though, isn’t it, how much these kind of things reveal our hearts and just how quick we are to doubt and worry and (for me at least), freak out?

I’m asking God to forgive my lack of faith and help me to respond as a woman who remembers Truth (rather than a woman controlled by her emotions).

Still ... ERGH! What a bummer of a letter to receive, eh? ERGH ERGH ERGH!!

(Can you tell I’m still in the battle? Faith’s fight against sin. Moment by moment. May God help me!)

I’m looking forward to church tomorrow–

G'nite from your friend,
Tara B.

I’m still working on my endorsement of Elyse Fitzpatrick and Dennis Johnson’s wonderful book, Counsel from the Cross: Connecting Broken People to the Love of Christ, and I wanted to share a few more nuggets with you.

Here’s what hooked me in the first few pages:

"So why add one more counseling book to your local bookstore’s shelves? Because we want to lay before you a provocative claim: the cross of Christ and the gospel that proclaims it really is “the power of God for salvation–comprehensive rescue–to everyone who believes” (Romans 1:16). In that cross lie both the power to liberate hearts that have been caught in seemingly unbreakable cycles of defeat and to instill hope that change can actually happen, in ourselves, in our relationships, in those whom we love fiercely and resent intensely at the same time.

The cross declares that we are loved with an intensity that defies our capacity to comprehend, not because we are intrinsically lovable but because God is intrinsically love. And these twin messages of the cross–brutal honesty about our guilt and impotence, with the glorious assurance or our welcome by the Father in his Beloved Son–pack divine power, through the Holy Spirit of God, to pry our affections loose from enslaving patterns of self-defense and self-indulgence and to set our hearts free to run–by grace alone, through faith alone–toward the goal: “until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ” (Ephesians 4:13)." (emphasis added)

Don’t you want to pre-order this book today?

I am going to bed now with a heart prepared for corporate worship tomorrow because I am remembering that, “When God the Creator sent his eternal Son as Redeemer, he set in motion a new creation power that will eventually eradicate both the sin-twisted self-centeredness of our hearts and the sin-infected wounds that we have inflicted on one another.”

Amen & Amen!

G'nite friends,
Tara B.

Hmmmmm ...

Tim Challies posted a link over to a great article by The Purple Cellar on being stuck in sin.

The thing is, do I REALLY want to read it?

(Yes. Yes. I do. But you know ... this battle rages on and on, eh?)

Hope you’ll check it out:

Staying Stuck

We’re heading out the door soon (it’s VERY early here) to find out the results of all of Sophie’s tests. Here’s hoping she’s allergic to wheat or something! If so, we’ll start our long drive home. If not, we may have to stay through the weekend for more tests and procedures next week.

Blessings on your Friday! Remember that God is FOR His children–

Yours,
Tara B.

Please consider:

1,010,000 lifetime frequent flyer miles on this particular airline.

60 flights this year alone on this particular airline.

A diligent (?) / obsessive-compulsive (?) personality that checks and rechecks itineraries and seat assignments (including this morning at 5AM) after having ALREADY printed our BOARDING PASSES for all flights at exactly the 23 hr 59 minute mark.

Now ... does that sound like a situation where you would easily fly without incident from Billings to Minneapolis and then, when attempting to board your connecting flight (boarding passes in HAND, remember!), you would be told:

"Ummmmm. You don’t have any SEATS on this flight."

(Bad news, but things happen. Poof! No bulkhead comfy seats. Ominous sound of center-seat-back-of-plane-seats looming, but hey! This isn’t suffering, right? HOLD IT TOGETHER, TARA!)

"Ummmmm. Your ENTIRE TICKET HAS BEEN CANCELED. You have no ticket. Please step out of the line."

And so we did. And of course I was just a GEM of graciousness and patience. A real PEACEMAKING WOMAN!

I wish.

Instead I was panicked. (Which, in a moment of sanity later on, I really mulled over. Why panic? I have no responsibilities at this conference. I wasn’t letting anyone down. Sophie wasn’t with me–I don’t have a child with me to provide for/protect/take care of. So what was I so afraid of?)

I was mad. (Which even in the moment I was trying to stay on top of and not be rude because MAN! There is just never an excuse to be rude to gate agents–or to anyone for that matter. But really Whatever was going on with our tickets, it surely was NOT the fault of the two women just working their 8-hr shift, checking in another flight.)

But mostly, I was afraid. (Back to my first point above–about being panicked. Seriously–why was I so fearful?)

Two things came to mind on the flight (yes, center seats far away from each other–but at least we got here to Philly!):

1. I really did have a frightening little PTSD moment of starting to hyperventilate and really panic when I thought about being wedged between two people on the flight–all tied to a truly violating experience I had on a flight earlier this year involving a man and adjoining seats. I realized today that while I did “talk it out” with Fred and Pastor Jason at the time, I might still have a little more grieving to do with that memory because it REALLY overwhelmed me today as I walked down the ramp.

2. “The sin under my sin” was really my worship of CONTROL. That was what was most terrifying to me. Missing a flight, spending the day working in the WorldClub, even missing a portion of the conference–none of that was pleasant for me to consider, but it was understandably just a part of the risk of air travel. What was FREAKING ME OUT was my old temptation/"button" of, “I could do EVERYTHING I was supposed to do; check and double check; have my boarding passes IN MY HANDS and still show up at the airport (on my CONNECTION!) and be told that I have no seats, no TICKET, no return, etc. etc.” It was the unknown, the loss of control that was scaring me.

So of course, I repented–to God. To Fred. For my bad attitude and my pride (isn’t that underlying my heart of loving control?!).

And I made a mental note that I think I might need a little help re: my horrible flight memories.

But right now? I’m showering up and heading to bed. Dr. Ed Welch’s addictions curriculum starts tomorrow morning! I’m psyched. And grateful.

Hope you had a much less eventful day!

With love from Philly,
Tara B.

If you (or someone you love) is struggling with lust, you may want to check out this post over at TakeYourVitaminZ. Might be worth your time.

Our church leaders have also been helped greatly by an accountability program called Covenant Eyes.

Oh–and just to try to avoid the flaming/rude comments about how Christians “overreact to this ONE sin, blah blah blah”, please know that we ALL need help whenever we are tempted to ensnared by anything (ANYTHING–even someone good) that begins to enslave us as a ruling lust.

Hope the links are helpful!

Yours,
Tara B.

I just found out that The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF) is releasing new material on addictions and I’m SO excited!

Crossroads: A Step-by-Step Guide Away From Addictions (Study Guide and Facilitator’s Guide)
Every one of us is a potential addict. Eventually, every addict finds himself at a crossroads.

This is such an important topic for every church and every Christian! In the words of New Growth Press (who published the books), “To walk with an addict is both a gift and a grief ... these curriculum materials lay a Biblical framework for lasting change.”

I am so grateful to CCEF and Ed Welch for creating these resources!

I’ll put the description from their website below with the hope that you will order these resources and be sure to tell your church leaders about them too.

(PLEASE NOTE that these links actually go to some sort of pre-conference sale page and you might need to check back for the actual “non-conference-attendeee” release of the materials. But give yourself a task on your tasklist to do so! It’ll be worth it.)

Blessings on your Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

"Every one of us is a potential addict. Eventually, every addict finds himself at a crossroads.

In a pressure-filled world, the prospect of instant escape can be exhilarating. No matter the object—drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, or sex, just to name a few—addictions lure us. They extend the promise of pleasure. In the end, they deliver emptiness, death, and destruction. What began as an escape from the hassles of life becomes a form of bondage. Addiction is a voluntary slavery. Change doesn’t come easily. But change is possible!

No matter how many times you have tried and failed, there really is a way through the addictive fog. There is a guidebook for living, and, contrary to what many think, it is available to anyone, even to those enslaved by an addiction. God is not silent on this issue. His word offers hope, and that hope is the basis of Crossroads: A Step-by-Step Guide Away from Addiction.

Crossroads was designed as a group study for those struggling with addiction. These ten steps, presented in author Ed Welch’s trademark direct, no-nonsense style, provide a biblical and practical framework for change. Welch is a wise and loving partner who walks beside readers on their journey to freedom. Along the way, they will learn to recognize the patterns of addiction, to choose wisdom over foolish desires, and to cling to the hope they have in Jesus, who sets captives free. The path away from addiction has been laid by a God who is full of surprises, who faithfully pursues them even as they have deliberately avoided Him."

Today I had the joy of taking care of two children while my friends moved to their new home. We did lots of fun little adventures–one of which includes the most glorious time at a playground that I’ve had in a LONG time. You know those glorious playground days, don’t you? Blue sky, white fluffy clouds, PERFECT temperature, kids playing creatively and happily while you read a book. (I just started Masters of the Air.)

Until ... until ...

Three immodestly dressed teenagers came right onto the playground, loudly swearing, two of the three pawing at each other and kissing right there on the swing set in front of three young children.

!!

Of course, I immediately gathered the kids and we packed up and left. In the car, I explained that those young people were doing things and saying things that were inappropriate, and it wasn’t wise for us to stay. I asked the kids what kind of teenagers THEY wanted to grow up to be (the kind that works and studies hard and serves their families and churches OR the kind that hangs out at playgrounds saying swear words and kissing people who are not their spouses).

And yes, by grace!, I did have the presence of mind (by faith!) to ask the kids if we were “better” than those teenagers ("NO!") and to remind them that it is only God’s grace that WE don’t dress immodestly and behave inappropriately, etc. etc.

But really? I was mad that those teenagers had ruined a lovely afternoon. And I was begging God to give me a heart to hate their sin but be gracious and merciful in my heart towards them.

I re-read an excerpt from Ken Sande’s book, The Peacemaker, to help me in my repentance:

"When we judge others and condemn them in our hearts for not meeting our desires, we are imitating the Devil (see James 3:15; 4:7). In doing so, we have doubled our idolatry problem: not only have we let an idolatrous desire rule our hearts, but we have also set ourselves up as judging mini-gods. This is a formula for excruciating conflict.

I am not saying that it is inherently wrong to evaluate or even judge others within certain limits. As we will see in Chapter 7, Scripture teaches that we should observe and evaluate others’ behavior so that we can respond and minister to them in appropriate ways, which may even involve loving confrontation (see Matt. 7:1-5; 18:15; Gal. 6:1).

We cross the line, however, when we begin to sinfully judge others, which is characterized by a feeling of superiority, indignation, condemnation, bitterness, or resentment. Sinful judging often involves speculating on other’s motives. Most of all, it reveals the absence of a genuine love and concern toward them. When these attitudes are present, our judging has crossed the line and we are playing God."

Eek! Don’t want to do that!

Later in the night, Sophie and I reflected on how sin affects not only US but people AROUND US too. And we prayed for those teenagers AND for our own hearts too. For we ALL need The Savior and compared to the righteousness of Christ? Well ... we’re just a bunch of messed-up teenagers sinning publicly in a playground.

Grateful for grace,
Tara B.

There is a great article by Pastor Ben Hames over at ByFaith Magazine having to do with confessing sins one to another:

It Has Become Clearer ... That We Should Confess Our Sins to One Another

Consider just an excerpt:

" ... Many in the church have begun to see the value of having a Christian brother or sister to hold them accountable in life. This service to one another is a great example of the Church of Christ living as vivified community. Confession moves us beyond the cognitive and internal toward the tangible and at least mildly communal. Through this, believers find they are more honest with themselves, more cognizant of God’s standards, and above all more aware of their everyday need of God’s grace. Of course, in all this there is a risk—that someone will find out we’re sinners in need of God’s grace.

Upon this fresh consideration, I am convinced that we neglect great grace in our neglect of confession. We should pray that God would grant us transparent relationships among the believers around us."

Amen!

How grateful I am for the (imperfect but Divinely instituted) Body of Christ. I am tremendously blessed to have church leaders who regularly confess sin (they model for us) and who help us to confess as well (they help us). It’s all a part of our growth in grace—our sanctification—becoming more and more holy in heart and conduct.

Hope you have a great Wednesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

More wisdom from Ed Welch:

"Self-serving needs are not meant to be satisfied; they are meant to be put to death."

(When People are Big and God is Small)

Tempted to despair (yet again), I did a quick search this morning for a biblical and practical reminder of the gospel (you know, the Truth that I really DO believe, but I am SO quick to forget).

In my reading, I found this great Pastor John Piper sermon:

How to Deal with the Guilt of Sexual Sin

Thankfully, I’m not struggling with this particular temptation, but MAN! Am I struggling in other areas.

This brief excerpt, in particular, blessed and encouraged me:

"Trusting Christ to the hilt with gutsy guilt. Micah 7:8-9 is a picture of what you say to your enemy when he scoffs at your defeat. Here is what you say. My summary of these words is to call them gutsy guilt. I call it that because the believer admits that he has done wrong and that God is dealing roughly with him. But even in a condition of darkness and discipline, he will not surrender his hold on the truth that God is on his side. Listen to these amazing words. Mark them. Memorize them. Use them whenever Satan tempts you to throw away your life on trifles because that’s all you’re good for.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me. I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against him, until he pleads my cause and executes judgment for me. He will bring me out to the light; I shall look upon his vindication. (Micah 7:8-9)

This is what victory looks like the morning after failure. Meditate on it long and hard when I am gone. Learn to take your theology and speak like this to the devil or anyone else who tells you that Christ is not capable of using you mightily for his global cause. Here is what you say ..."

I hope you’ll click on over and read the entire sermon.

God never tires of forgiving His children.
Never.

I’m clinging to that truth today!

Yours,
Tara B.

Our church was blessed to have Dr. Tim Lane (from The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation) preach this morning. His text was from Ephesians and he made some excellent points about what wisdom is and how we become wise. Later in the day, at an ice cream social/discussion time, he also gave a great overview of the mission and vision of CCEF.

I usually enjoy getting to meet authors that I love and this time was no exception. Just like he comes across in his writings, Dr. Lane is thoughtful, humble, and winsome. And his wife is amazing! I only had the opportunity to chat with her for a few minutes, but wow! Her eyes are lit up with a passion for Christ and His Church and her family’s opportunity to serve both. She is obviously intelligent and gifted–and a loving wife and mother too. I wish I could’ve gotten to know her more. Our brief conversations were excellent reminders to me that as I pray for CCEF (and our pastors, elders, missionaries), I must always remember to pray for their families too.

Sophie and I are about to read George and Martha–The Complete Stories of Two Best Friends, so I need to run.

But before I go, let me share just a tiny portion of the two pages of sermon notes I took this morning:

- We grow in wisdom as we apply the gospel to the problems of every day life and “connect the dots” between our problem and the gospel of God’s grace. Only the grace of God can change our hearts.

- One metaphor for the Christian life is truth and love replacing lies and bitterness (Ephesians 4:25-5:7). We gain wisdom as we listen and learn–especially when we are suffering.

- Wisdom has both an inward and an outward focus. Yes, we are called to look very carefully at the details of our lives (what we are doing and why we are doing it); but we are also called to look outward–to serve and love other people.

- In general, there are two types of people: those who are prone to ACTIVISM and those who are prone to be DEPRESSIVE. For each, growth in grace will look different. For those of us who are prone to be DEPRESSIVE, a sign that we are growing in grace is how QUICKLY we run to Christ and how much we are beginning to move OUTWARD toward other people (to serve and love them).

I could go on and on–but George & Martha await.

Blessings to you and g'nite!
– Tara B.

CCEF Annual Conference

Don’t miss today’s Slice of Infinity from Dr. Ravi Zacharias:

The Apologetic of the Apologist

I’ll tempt you with just a few lines ...

"A starting point for taking on the responsibility of the work of Christian apologetics is recognizing the role that living out a disciplined Christian life plays. Even a brief examination of the Scriptures reveals this striking imperative: one may not divorce the content of apologetics from the character of the apologist ...

I have always found this to be such a fascinating verse because the apostle Peter, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, knew the hazards and the risks of being an answer-bearer to the sincere questions that people would pose of the gospel. Indeed, when one contrasts the answers of Jesus to any of his detractors, it is not hard to see that their resistance is not of the mind but rather of the heart. Furthermore, I have little doubt that the single greatest obstacle to the impact of the gospel has not been its inability to provide answers, but the failure on our part to live it out. The Irish evangelist Gypsy Smith once said, “There are five Gospels: Matthew Mark, Luke, John, and the Christian, and some people will never read the first four.” In other words, apologetics is often first seen before it is heard."

Oh oh oh! So convicting.

May God help me to GROW UP and HONOR HIM!

And THANK GOD that Jesus died to rescue His children.

Hope your Thursday is going well. I’m en route to California as I type this.

Yours,
Tara B.

Well. Apparently I have a REALLY REALLY REALLY long way to go in my growth in grace and sanctification/conformity to Christ.

'Course I knew this in an abstract/theological way. And I knew it “for sure” re: certain areas of my life that are ongoing temptations to sin and unbelief for me.

BUT MAN. I did NOT see this WAVE OF ANGER coming this morning.

Yes, it is an intense day ... but I was actually moving through my thousand tasks feeling relatively centered and worship of God. Hah.

That, apparently, did NOT last long because when MY AGENDA was messed up by the good ol' U.S. Post Office (!!!), my REAL heart of worship was revealed in all its vile glory.

Yes, yes, I treated the PEOPLE ok.
And thankfully, NO ONE was in the car–not even my dog. So my TORRENT of raging filth didn’t directly splash onto anyone.

Well, except for, you know, The God of the Universe. Always present. Emmanuel. God with us.

So when I made that REALLY REALLY MAD sound and when my childhood propensity to use incredibly ugly language reared its ugly head again? I was rightly ashamed.

Thank God.

My discomfort with my sin–EVEN WHILE I WAS SINNING!–was SUCH a grace. Such a call to repent. Such a sweet encouragement that I am actually NOT my own–but I belong to God FOR REAL. (Because I am comforted by all of the theologians through the ages who help me to believe that if I were, in fact, unregenerate, I just WOULDN’T CARE. I would sin and sin and sin with abandon and it wouldn’t trouble me in the least bit.)

So did I sin? Yes. And that is a BAD thing.
I can tell myself until I’m blue in the face that, “No one was hurt.” And, “I would NEVER be like that around Sophia.”

Right.

If it’s in my HEART then it’s just a matter of time until it comes spilling out.

Oh, God! Please give me a new heart. Drive from me all of this ME and help me to never be such a selfish, angry, rage-filled woman ever again, I pray!

Thank You for forgiving me, God.
Thank You for making me uncomfortable in my sin.

Your devoted daughter,
Tara B.

PS
I’d tell you what “THEY” did, but I think that’d just sound like I’m trying to excuse my behavior/sin, don’t you think?

Traveling home through four airports this morning, I’ve been enjoying Spurgeon’s Encyclopedia of Sermons. Not in any sort of systematic, academic way, mind you ... but just topically. I’m reading on things that are of particular interest to me at this time in my life.

This morning I read Pastor Spurgeon’s exposition of Psalm 51 because I’ve been thinking a lot about repentance lately.

He writes:

"Psalm 51:8. Make me to hear joy and gladness ...

How late in the Psalm that prayer comes! He writes seven verses before he dares to pray for joy and gladness; and those seven verses are all either confessions of sin or petitions for deliverance from sin; and, my sinful friend, you must not first seek to get rid of your sorrow; but, rather, be thankful for your sorrow for sin, and pray that you may never lose that sorrow until you lose the sin that causes it.

Psalm 51:8. That the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.

If God’s children fall into sin, the Lord does not wink at their sin, but He chastises them so severely that He sometimes even breaks their bones; but God’s pardoning mercy can set those bones, and make each broken and mended bone to become a mouth for holy song: “that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.”

Never pleasant this bone breaking aspect of repentance, eh? But I am grateful for it.

Grace to you on this blessed Lord’s Day!
It’s Sunday! The best day of the week.

With love,
Tara B.

A great read over at Challies.com:

Behind Closed Doors

(Oh! How often I am MOST tempted to sin when I THINK I am being anonymous.)

Well ... I hope that your Easter was a much more fun and worshipful day than ours.

Last night, Fred and I grew progressively sicker and battled high fevers. (103 for an adult! No fun.)

This morning, I tried SO HARD to drag myself out of bed and get showered so that I could take Sophie to just the start of the church service so she could sing in the kids choir in her little Easter bonnet & white gloves ... but nope. I have the gastro-intestinal version (compared to Fred’s upper respiratory bug) and let’s just say that there was absolutely no way I could leave the house.

So Fred showered, drove Soph to church, she sang, and they came home. We’ve been pretty much in bed all day. Good thing Sophie likes to do mosaics and make cards and do legos and read and play by herself ... because we had pretty much NOTHING for her beyond basic safety, food, and “we love you” words.

It’s 11PM now and Fred and I just did competitive fever-checks and I’m still winning by a smidgen (101.6 to his 100). Oh, how I hope we’ll turn a corner tonight and tomorrow will be better.

All in all, though, I am very grateful ...

- That we got sick AFTER we were in Helena so that our trip wasn’t canceled AND so that the Lynde’s (who also were sick) didn’t have to worry about infecting us (because we were already sick even though we didn’t know it!)

- For my pastor wife calling me tonight to see if we needed any soup or medicine ... she is just so kind to us

- That we were able to get HOME last night BEFORE we became so icky gross sick (because it’s just SO MUCH better to be in your own home when you’re this kind of sick)

- For a daughter who makes us cards and cuddles with us and prays for us ... and plays on her own for hours and hours

- For Easter because that’s how I KNOW that this life in a fallen world with fallen bodies is NOT the end

I was also thinking today about how we all battle with sin. We do.

And sometimes it’s easy to think of our sin as being in some “special category”—that we are unique in our struggles. We look at a certain person or a certain family who really seems to “have it together” and then we look at our own lives and we feel like complete hypocrites, frauds, and selfish jerks.

But it’s not true. We all struggle in different ways at different times.

So we can be real with each other; face our sin; confess it; get help; and not be afraid ... because God has made a way for our sin to be ultimately defeated (in the next life) and defeated even in THIS life. That’s Easter.

I am grateful for the resurrection. It is the power of Christ in me. And you.

Our faith is not in vain.

Gotta lie back down now ... head starts spinning when I try to be upright for too long.

G'nite!
– Tara B.

I am JUST about to walk the dog. (Hah! I’ve been telling myself that for 45 minutes.)

But trying to work through emails/paperwork, I am convicted by just how CAREFUL I must learn to be when it comes to $$$$$$$.

I’ve had a number of “LITTLE” inconveniences related to money in the last month–and I think they are starting to pile up in my heart. (This is NOT good.)

Taken alone, they are no big deal. (Someone doesn’t pay the international shipping charge for something and our family just goes ahead and pays the $21 fee without saying something; someone else makes an error with their own paperwork and in addition to all of the time spent trying to serve them an unravel it, I find out this morning that I’M being charged a “processing fee” for their error; something that we thought was very clear (and fair) regarding $$ upsets someone so our family just eats it, etc.)

But BOY! For someone who will anonymously get cash to people if I think it might help them, I sure can have a VERY JERKY HEART toward these teeny tiny inconveniences.

It’s like I forget ENTIRELY:

- God’s gracious and generous provision for my LIFE (even as a teenager, college student, grad student, getting out of debt early married years, leaving “real” jobs to work for a ministry, etc.) and our FAMILY (with me having the JOY of being HOME with our muffin lovie bear daughter).

- ALL of the MANY people who NEVER hurt our family financially but are always OVER THE TOP in their fairness, wisdom, and generosity; understanding that it’s just our little FAMILY (not some big anonymous corporate ministry with lots of margin/savings), always being SO CAREFUL to remember the value of what we’re pouring out to try to serve and bless and NEVER putting $$$ above LOVE/encouragement of me as a human being who struggles and fails but is really, really trying hard.

Fred says, “LET IT GO.”

And of course he’s right.

I have a propensity to be generous when it is convenient for me and pecuniary when I feel unappreciated or “used.” But grace says DO THE OPPOSITE! BE THE OPPOSITE!

Big deal that you are generous with people you LOVE and ENJOY and you can serve without them even knowing. (Even pagans and tax collectors love those who love them.) That’s not hard. That’s not work.

But LOVE THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. (With wisdom, yes. These are wisdom calls!) Bless them. Overlook. Remember how blessed blessed BLESSED you are. How MUCH you forget God and put yourself above Him. But how merciful HE is to forgive you and love you.

NOW ... forgive as you have been forgiven; love as you have been loved. Then you’ll show yourself to be Mine.

Yes, yes. Conviction is good. Please change my heart, O Lord.

(Stupid ol' sin. Get me every time. Glad I can be forgiven.)

Blessed Tuesday to you!
– Tara B.

PS
When I ran my spell-check and quickly re-read this post, I was TOTALLY convicted of the old "There’s something about HER I can’t stand about ME" quote because I realized how quick I am to really be BOTHERED when people are (in my estimation) CRAZILY OVERLY CONCERNED about the SMALLEST amounts of money.

Two cases in point ... once someone (worth LOTS of money) helped me with a project that required (I’m not kidding!) like a $.58 (that’s 58 CENT!) reimbursement. And this person had a receipt. I totally laughed inside and thought, “Very strange but oh well. There’s probably a story here.” And I paid it and didn’t think that much about it other than thinking, “I hope I never do that to someone.”

Second story ... as a young pre-teen/teenager, I remember being in someone’s home when my period came unexpectedly. I asked the adult if she had any “supplies,” and she was NOT happy with me as she found FREE SAMPLES to give me to hold me over until I could get some of my own. She complained to me about how EXPENSIVE they are and how I should’ve BROUGHT MY OWN, etc. etc. You know ... even as a child, I remember thinking, “Wow. I hope I NEVER make someone feel this way if they are a guest in my home and need something. Anything. MORE OR LESS something I can help them with from FREE SAMPLES so it costs me NOTHING.”

'Course ... what is the TRUTH? I am JUST LIKE THEM only FAR FAR WORSE.

May God have mercy on me!! (He does. He does.)

I feel like such a hypocrite! (And I know I am–FAR FAR WORSE of a hypocrite than even I see/feel right now!)

This morning I cuddled with Sophia under a blanket and we read together how God is a SHIELD around us. We talked about how no harm can befall us, but that our good and sovereign God so allows.

And here it is, not an HOUR later and I am tempted to FREAK OUT.

Why? Why? Why? Ohhhhhh ... my HEART is showing because two “buttons” got kicked in a five minute phone call:

1. Button 1: MONEY. Our accountant said that our taxes are done and (EXPECTING that, good budgeter, good bookkeeper that I am, we would owe NOTHING or maybe a TINY BIT) ... we have to come up with $8,285 in the next six weeks. (And friends, we do not have $8,000 lying around.)

2. Button 2: SHAME. Not good-enough-ness. Tara = BAD/FAILURE. Why? Because I take care of our bills. Fred looks everything over each month, of course, but the day-to-day responsibility of taking care of the financial matters in our home lies with me. And I did EXACTLY what I “should have” last year $$$$-wise and tax-wise! And apparently, IT WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH. (I worked with an accountant. I used his quarterly tax estimates. When we lost the baby in May, I called him back because I knew that loss of a deduction would affect things. It did and I upped our savings to make sure I could pay our quarterly payments. If I earned even a SMIDGEN of extra income from ANY source, I increased our quarterly payments.) I mean–I DID EVERYTHING I WAS TOLD TO DO!!! And my family is still in jeopardy. Because of ME.

These are my buttons.
They are.

These two “suns” up in the SKY of my life beat down HEAT on the trees of my heart and out comes UGLY FRUIT ... fear, panic, terror, self-condemnation, sadness.

I hate that I didn’t take care of Fred and Sophie good enough.
I hate that I TRIED and TRIED and REALLY TRIED MY BEST–and it wasn’t good enough.

There are so many things in my life that I KNOW I’m not good at ... but the things that I have a modicum of competency in, I just HATE IT when I mess up.

Hmmmm ... I I I I I. Me me me me me. Sounds like a lot of pride, eh?
Sounds like a lot of unbelief.

(Lilikoi must’ve sensed that I was upset because as the tears flow down my cheeks as I type this, she came over and laid her fuzzy self across my feet. A “love lean” indeed. Oh, those Goldens.)

So anyway ... we’ll be OK. We’ll find a way to pay this bill (although I just can’t IMAGINE why we owe so much in taxes!!! we have an appointment with our accountant tomorrow to try to understand what went wrong and what’s happening now; saint Fred is going to go with me to help).

God truly has ALWAYS provided for me. Ever since the last time I lived with any parent or anyone in my family (when I was 16 years old). Every day of our marriage. Every day since we left the “security” of “real” jobs in Chicago and moved to Montana.

I’m sure it will all work out.

How I am begging God that in THIS MOMENT ... (this REAL MOMENT OF LIFE!), I will remember all of the things I claim to believe about God and about who I am in Him. That I will turn away from this panic and fear and, instead, I will do my best to LEARN and be WISE ... but ultimately, to remain in God’s love. To trust Him. To not freak out.

My propensity is to freak out.
Faith calls me in a different direction.

May God have mercy!
(He does. He does.)

"There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." Psalm 46:4-7

Happy Monday to you all!

Through my tears,
Tara B.

Another must read over at New Attitude:

The Gospel and Bitterness

Preach it, Pastor Anyabwile!

Oh my STARS!!

I’ve been burdened.
I’ve prayed.
I’ve tried to discern HOW our family could POSSIBLY help.

But after reading this blog from Radical Womanhood, I think I know now how I want to give $$$$$$.

Dear, God, have mercy on this sin-sick world!
(I know You do!!)

And save these precious women and tiny little lovie girls.
(Oh! I feel sick to my stomach. Again.)

Maranatha. Come quickly Lord Jesus.
– t

HT: 9MarksBlog for directing me to this great post (and book recommendation):

Carefulness in Treating Sin

The author of the blog is a MBB who pastors a church in the Grand Cayman Islands. Definitely worth the read–and I’m thinking I’d like to pop on over to WTS and order the book too.

Don’t miss this post over at the former SoloFemininity now RadicalWomanhood:

The Rules for Self-Discovery

Yeek! Yet again, Carolyn McCulley hits it out of the park.

“Human sin is stubborn but not as stubborn as the grace of God and not half so persistent, not half so ready to suffer to win its way.” C. Plantinga

I was really excited about a certain book I received for Christmas. (Not excited enough to make a GROOVY “SCORE!” photo like our beloved PalmTreePundit did with her pile o' books, but excited nonetheless.)

Its title implied that it would help with faith’s fight against sin specifically concerning the sins that I am tempted to “coddle” or “tolerate.”

Sadly ... after a few pages, I knew that it wasn’t a book for me.
BUT ... I know that MANY people respect and just LOVE this author so I have no CONCERNS or anything.
But I just printed off a “return to Amazon for free shipping” label for it anyway.

Who knows? Maybe it’s ME–maybe I’m too immature or too dull or something and ONE DAY I’ll just LOVE it.

But for now, I’m starting my day back at the Source:

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.” James 4:1–3

“But their idols are silver and gold, made by the hands of men. They have mouths, but cannot speak; eyes, but they cannot see; they have ears, but cannot hear, noses, but they cannot smell; they have hands, but cannot feel, feet, but they cannot walk; nor can they utter a sound with their throats. Those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them” (Psalm 115:4–8, emphasis added).

“Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed – not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence – continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (Philippians 2:12-13, emphasis added).

FOR IT IS GOD ....

For it IS God ....
For it is GOD ....

This is my hope!
My Only Hope.

Blessed Monday to you all!
Trust that God works in you.
And NOTHING can thwart His plan for your life–NOTHING.
Not others, not your circumstance, not even your SIN.

God IS conforming you to the likeness of His Son.
God WILL conform you to the likeness of His Son.
It is a fait accompli.

Rejoice rejoice rejoice!

Sending you love from domestic diva playing with the Soph day–
Tara B.

Great post over at BrittleCrazyGlass related to our battle against sin:

Tolerance for Failure

It’ll take you less than one minute to read.
(But for all of us–a lifetime to remember, eh?)

Thanks, M.R.!

Love ya,
Tara B.

COMBATING WEARINESS WITH ALTERNATE FORMS OF EXERCISE
(Written by Ajith Fernando after he preached 13 times in four days in Ukraine)

A few decades ago the cricket-loving world was shocked when a popular and brilliant English cricketer said that the pressure of having to perform according to people’s expectations and the resulting stress often led him to take cannabis after a game. Cannabis is a narcotic. A narcotic is “a drug (as opium) that in moderate doses dulls the senses, relieves pain, and induces profound sleep but in excessive doses causes stupor, coma, or convulsions” (Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary).

Tiredness, especially if it has been accompanied by stress, makes us vulnerable to a whole new set of problems. We have recently read about cricketers who visit night clubs, get drunk and behave badly at night during a series. I once read of a pastor who used to visit a prostitute on Sunday nights to supposedly “satisfy his needs” after the tiring and stressful Sunday.

There are good and bad ways to recover from tiredness and stress. When Elijah suffered depression after his spiritually draining conflict with the prophets of Baal God let him to walk in the open for forty days and to sleep for more than a day with stops only for meals which God provided miraculously (1 Kings 18-19). We see images of cricketers relaxing in the swimming pool at the end of a day’s play or playing football (soccer) on their day off from cricket in the middle of a series.

Our entertainment-oriented culture provides us with ways to face this challenge, and many of those are damaging. Therefore it is important for us to plan what we will do after a tiring and stressful activity. I think the most common method used today is watching television which has a narcotic affect on one’s tired mind. I do not think this is all bad. But in some countries television gets unclean at night, and that can be very dangerous.

I have recently returned from a trip to Ukraine. I had asked my hosts to put me up with the other delegates, but they overruled me and put me in a different hotel. And how glad I was about that! After putting the heat on at maximum I needed to wear three layers of clothes to keep myself warm in my hotel room! The delegates did not have any heating at all, as the government had not yet released heating gas for the winter! On my second day I found that TV gets unclean at night there. So I pulled off the TV plug and replaced it with the kettle plug! I sent my wife an SMS text message saying that I am doing so and asked her to forward the SMS to my accountability group. I usually send SMS’ to these people when I stay in a hotel.

Slowly I am coming to accept that the best way to overcome tiredness and stress is not by using a narcotic (like TV), but by using an alternate form of exercise which refreshes me as a person. We saw that above with Elijah’s walk and with the swimming and the football of the cricketers. On the flight back home from Ukraine I read several short mystery stories by Agatha Christie which exercised the mind through an activity markedly different to preaching. I find that swimming produces a similar form of relaxation through alternate exercise.

The day after I came home was a free day for me, so I spent a good time at the piano singing hymns in what I like to call a “praise feast.” This is my favourite form of “alternate exercise.” I usually use one of five styles of sacred music for this.

(1) I use my Methodist Hymnbook most often because that is what I grew up with and because it beautifully portrays the great truths which under-gird my life.

(2) When I am abroad I often use the Sinhala (my mother-tongue) song book we use at Church and YFC.

(3) I sometimes use Mission Praise which gives the best of contemporary Christian music.

(4) This time I used Praise: Our Songs and Hymns (edited by John W. Peterson). This book has many songs representing the gospel hymn tradition of which the famous early representative was Sankey’s Sacred Songs and Solos. Gospel hymns are lively reminders great gospel truths. And sometimes it is good to just sing lustily about the marvels of grace!

(5) Occasionally I use some western classical music, like music from the great choral works of Bach, Handel and Haydn. These present the great truths of the faith with sublime majesty and musical artistry.

By having an occasional “praise feast” for my prayer time instead of my usual intercession-saturated prayer time I am trying to follow the rhythmic pattern to life which I believe God gave us humans for our enrichment. We have six days of hard work and one day of rest. We have daily physical contact with our spouses and occasional moments of ecstasy through sexual relations. Daily we thank God for providing our needs, but occasionally we have a festival to vigorously enjoy praising God for it in community. In the same way we can have a praise feast occasionally as a change from the normal routine of intercession saturated prayer.

A significant feature of the alternate activity which punctuates our normal daily routine is vigorous enjoyment. The Old Testament festivals were usually days of loud praise with dancing and singing in community. We can’t do that daily. But we need to do that occasionally because the God who made us to live daily in joy also intends us to have occasional bursts of ecstasy when we focus on the things that produce our daily joy. Occasional praise feasts do this for us. Music, of course, is the language of joy. Singing helps engage our whole being in praise. We are able to express our gratitude to God in a way that gives full expression to our emotions. Such expressions of emotion serve to refresh and heal our tired and battered souls.

Praise feasts also help us avoid one of the great traps of hard work: thinking that we have done something great and that because of that we are superior to those who don’t work as hard as we do. Spiritual pride is a trap those who work hard can easily fall into. But when we spend time rejoicing in God and praising him we are impacted afresh by that great antidote to spiritual pride: the grace perspective. We realise that everything good in our lives is entirely the result of grace. We realise we don’t deserve anything we have received. But that realisation does not cause depression; instead it causes deep, deep joy.

Let’s see how the grace perspective produces joy. We realise that now the greatest things in our life do not have to do with us but with Jesus who has loved us and made us the precious children of God. If we depended on our worth for our sense of significance we will restless and insecure, for deep down we know how weak and imperfect we are! But if our significance comes from what God has made us to become—then we have complete joy! Nothing can take that joy away because there is nothing in this world that is as powerful as the God who is the cause of it.

Let your tiredness be an occasion to increase your joy in the Lord! But be careful! Even though pleasure is God’s gift to us, it is also a tool which Satan uses. And the entertainment industry is a ready means he can use to lead us astray. This is why I decided to give some rather personal details about how to handle this issue. I wanted to demonstrate that we must make specific decisions about how we are going to deal with tiredness. Satan has many traps laid out for us to fall into if we have not planned our times of recovery from stressful activity.

Woke up GROUCHY and MAD.
Can’t even remember why–but ERGH. What a state my heart is in.

Trying to, you know, pray.
But really just feeling stress, anxiety ... worry? Maybe. But wouldn’t that entail knowing WHAT I’m worrying ABOUT?

I’m going to the gym now while I have the chance before Fred leaves for men’s prayer breakfast at 7:00.

Here’s hoping that the endorphins will be a grace to push me in the direction of faith and right worship, eh?

Hope you woke up in a MUCH better mood!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Hmmmmmmmm ... as I type this, some things are coming to my mind:

- I had a HORRIBLY sad, stressful dream where Fred and I left Sophie at home ALONE for like five minutes while we ran to the post office. (Which we would NEVER EVER do!!) And when we returned, she was standing at the window, looking for us, CRYING. Break a Momma’s heart!! Even just a stupid ol' subconscious dream.

- I also had a very stressful dream where I was rejected by my church leaders. Publicly. Shamefully. Ooooooh ... it was nasty. Fred was there trying to figure out how to help me, but there was nothing that could be done. It was just awful.

- I think my efforts to serve some friends and families and be “social” this week MAY have tipped me over a bit into the “INTROVERT COULD USE SOME ALONE TIME AT HOME WITH HER KID AND DOG AND HUSBAND” place. I think maybe I won’t tackle all of those errands today. Maybe just some quiet time at home, eh?

Hey! THANKS for being my “therapy”!

Can’t repent of something if I don’t even know what it is.
Can’t believe Truth regarding something if I don’t even see what falsehoods I’m believing.
Can’t give myself a break (i.e., RE: NASTY OL' STUPID DREAMS) if I don’t even remember I had 'em.

So, thanks blogging buds! Off to the gym now–
t

(Originally posted in May, I’m on a TECHNOLOGY BREAK for a few days so I can’t do any new posts. I’ll schedule a couple and check in on Saturday or Sunday when we get home. )

Refusing to Forgive

(Another re-do of a previous blog. Fever’s down! AND a meeting that we thought might go past midnight did NOT ... so I’m home at 11:30 and after I post this, I’m washing up and heading right to sleep. Hooray!!)

(But I still don’t feel a wave of energy sufficient to crank out a real posting–hope you understand!)

Here’s my link: But if I forgive them ...

And a few lines to tempt you to click on over if you are so inclined:

"Tonight Fred and I were talking (again) about my struggle to forgive some people who have hurt me.

At one point during the conversation, I asked him, “But if I forgive them, then won’t I be giving up the one thing I have on them?” “What do you mean?” Fred asked. "Well, I can’t hurt them like they’ve hurt me or restore what was taken from me (I don’t have the power, resources, or authority to do so). I can’t make them understand the depth of suffering they’ve caused me and cause them to grow in compassion and love. I can’t force them to change or grow or help me during my times of desperate need.

The one thing I have on them is this ... I can withhold myself from them." That’s it – that’s my ace in the hole, my one card to play.

So I continued, “And if I truly forgive them and allow them to enter into my life and heart again ... allow myself to have real relationship with them ... pray for God’s blessings on them ... then what do I have?”

And Fred, my wise, compassionate, gracious, loving husband (whose birthday is today!) replied ..."

OOOOOOOOH! Can you believe I left you hanging like THAT? I must be punchy in my exhaustion.

!!

But I hope even that old post will be a blessing to you.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

God is so good.

Love you bunches,
Tara B.

Well, I just can’t thank you ENOUGH for popping over to Amazon.com and taking a few minutes to review my book, “Peacemaking Women.”

I’ll tell you why later ... but it really means a lot to me.

And SINCE you are obviously just SO wonderful ... I thought I’d start this morning with a prayer request too:

Would you please pray for me as I will be leaving in the morning for a ten-day church intervention out of state?

(A church intervention is when a team of conciliators–in this case, four, and I am the only woman–serves a church whose members are currently in conflict. We do this through a combination of data-gathering, teaching, coaching, mediations, and large (group) meetings too.)

Since you can’t mediate a group–it takes a LONG time and a LOT of effort (many, many meetings over many, many hours) to even begin to scratch the surface of serving and loving these dear brothers and sisters well.

I’m a bit concerned about it for many reasons–not because of the conflict or the substantive concerns, but simply because church/organizational intervention work is truly the most intense work I have ever done, and the time period is LONG.

Would you please pray:

- That I would teach my portion of the “Peacemaker Seminar” well. In particular, that I would hold true to how Peacemaker Ministries teaches it (NOT the way I’ve been presenting their material at women’s event for the last five years). I truly want to honor Peacemaker Ministries AND hit the key points that they need me to hit.

- That my time specifically with the women would be sweet. That God would guard my words and my attitude, overcome my “Tara-ness” (that can sometimes, you know, be a bit off-putting) and help me to connect with them quickly and lovingly. I pray that I would have just the right words to encourage them in Christ! (Particularly when I am teaching the two women’s Sunday School Classes ... but also as I serve them during coaching and mediation appointments.)

- For my darling Sophia Grace as she will, I am SURE, enjoy her week with Grandma Chris (who is coming to help out while I am gone) ... but who will, I am also sure, miss me. Just as I will miss her. You know–I have not done a church intervention case since she was born and there were a number of reasons why Fred encouraged me to accept this one. I am happy at the thought of going and just doing my best. I am resting in Fred’s leadership and wisdom – and trusting God. But ... it’s still going to be a LONG time away and I’m just so happy that once I return, we are together until the end of January!! (Hooray!)

- For my team leader, the other two men, and myself: that we will love one another and live out the gospel so winsomely with each other that the loudest message we share has no words at all! It is simply the testimony of the grace we give each other.

- For each person involved in the actual conflicts: For renewed faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! And as that faith takes root and is watered ... for repentance, confession, and FORGIVENESS ... so that LOVE might be the fruit. A strong, solid root of faith in our Risen Lord! The primary means of grace strengthening that faith (God’s Word, His Spirit, His Body) and helping each person involved to LIVE OUT WHAT THEY CLAIM TO BELIEVE. And the wonderful aroma of the fruit of genuine Christian LOVE. Pure grace. Covering over a multitude of sins. Bearing with the weaker brother. Not presuming to know another person’s heart. Having a right view of the backstage view of ourselves. Overwhelmed by the glory and mercy of God. Cheering each other on as we press on to know Him Who is our salvation.

This is my prayer and I would be honored if any of you would join with me to pray as well.

Oh–and since (for the next eleven days) my appointments start at 6:45AM and don’t end until 10:00PM (and then we have team meetings to prep for the next day) ... I REALLY doubt that I’ll have much time to blog in the next week or so. Maybe?! But I’m guessing not.

So if I don’t, I’ll try to look through the archives for some “oldies but hopefully goodies” and post them so you have something to ponder until I return.

Thanks, all!
I think I have the sweetest, most God-centered blog readership around.
'Course I’m totally biased because you bless my socks off.

Happy Thursday–

Your friend,
Tara B.

PS
One last prayer request ... I have four writing projects that I really need to get done today because they are due before I get back from this intervention. Would you please pray that I would be diligent and just crank them out?!? I was hoping to get them done yesterday so that I could possibly just relax with Fred and Soph again this afternoon ... but it will take a miracle for me to crank them out. Will you please pray? Thanks again. – tkb

I got up early today and started a (truly wonderful & edifying! yeah, right ...) blog posting for you all ...

But then my prayer group arrived and afterwards I ran to the gym and then it was off to the races with breakfast & clean-up & cuddles & violin lesson & picking up a friend for a playdate ...

Now it’s 6:00PM and I’m almost packed for Florida (see you soon, guys!) and I only have a few hours left on a big writing project I really wanted to finish before I left town. (Hmmmmmmmmm ... I have a feeling I might be working throughout the ol' three-connections-three-flights day of travel. We’ll see.)

Anyway ... my original blog posting was all about this reawakening I’ve been having to how GOOD God is and how I can TRUST Him, no matter what. Seriously. No matter what.

I’ve been praying that I would embrace the suffering in my life that has been AT THE HANDS OF CHRISTIANS just as much as I embrace the suffering in my life from my childhood.

(Somehow, I have found it much easier to forgive and be merciful to those well-meaning unbeleivers. They were messed up–but of course they were! They didn’t know Christ. BUT (my proud/judgmental/demanding justice heart CRIES OUT) ... Christians should KNOW better!!)

Or, so I have thought in the past and struggled with–and been embittered by over the years.

But God’s grace is greater still! And I can truly state that I WAS experiencing a sweet fellowship with God as I humbly submitted to Him. Stopped kicking against the goad. Stopped trying to FIX EVERYTHING. But humbly begged that He would help me to turn toward HIM with renewed, right worship so that I might be filled to overflowing with love for God and love for neighbor.

And WOW! at 5:30AM, I really thought I WAS.

But then ...
But then ...

HAH.

One email comes. And it scratched a scab off of a deep wound and before you knew it, I was SO BUMMED. Angry. Frustrated. Hurt again. I just felt like GIVING UP.

Then I learn something when we’re at Sophie’s violin lessons that, well, just TICKS ME OFF. Arrrrrrgggggh! I am a selfish, self-centered woman and my first tendency was to ACT loving on the outside but really SEETHE within. Ergh ergh ergh. Blech!

I thought I was “over” all of this!
I thought I was resting in God’s grace and goodness and worshipping Him in His glory!
So then I’d be a loving woman, right?

So what was up with all of this UGLINESS inside of me?

And then, as clear as day, I could hear what my pastor says every single time we co-mediate together:

Until glory, we never “get over it.” We don’t. We don’t “arrive.” We don’t “achieve perfection.”

Christ is our perfection. And His Spirit IS leading us to repentance and faith. He IS helping us to turn away from ourselves and our “monster want” desires (that we have elevated to idolatrous demands).

But this calling to turn away from idols to God is a LIFELONG BATTLE.
Thank God that HE battles for us.
And the outcome of the battle is absolutely, 100%, guaranteed to be VICTORY.

The wrong WILL fail.
The right prevail.
PERIOD.

This is good news and I am so grateful that God helped me to remember it as I was on this “high” and then crashed down to this “real-life” low.

Because, although I WISH I could’ve been in that “merciful/godly/loving Tara” place for just a little longer (and then maybe the “blog that wasn't” might’ve actually seen the light of day!) ...

The truth is that He IS helping me to repent (again) and return to Him (again).

And even while I struggle, God does NOT remove His love from me.
In fact, it is His very kindness that leads me to repent.
Grace grace grace.
Thank You, God!

I’m off at 4:30AM and I’m staying in a Bed & Breakfast in Florida–so I don’t know if I’ll have access to a good wi-fi. If not, I’ll talk with you on Sunday when I’m back in an airport.

Otherwise, I’ll try to give you a shout-out from Florida! (Soph’s already finding Florida on her map and telling everyone the state capital. What a funny kid.)

Thanks in advance for any prayers you can throw our way this month–

We’ve never scheduled so many events and cases for me back-to-back like this before (and I don’t foresee us doing so again anytims soon) ... but when we canceled all of my October and November events for very happy reasons and then had a strangely open fall schedule-wise because of very sad reasons, we decided to accept a number of September events that we would have otherwise passed on.

Anyway ... I live in Montana only Mondays through Wednesdays for the next few weeks–so thanks in advance for your prayers and encouragement.

God bless and much love,
Tara B.

I read a great quote on the “gospel driven church” blog and thought you might enjoy it too (the emphasis is mine):

"Currently we are not only saved by grace; we are paralyzed by it. There is deep confusion. We find it hard to see that grace is not opposed to effort, but is opposed to earning. Earning and effort are not the same thing. Earning is an attitude, and grace is definitely opposed to that. But it is not opposed to effort. When you see a person who has been caught on fire by grace, you are apt to see some of the most astonishing efforts you can imagine (1 Corinthians 15:10)." Dallas Willard, The Great Omission: Reclaiming Jesus' Essential Teachings on Discipleship

This quote made me think of my pastor’s little (but profound) booklet on faith’s fight against sin.

AND I’ve also been wondering what books you all might recommend on free will ... I think (I know!) I have a LOT to learn on this important topic.

(Sometimes I wonder if those of us in reformed denominations sometimes over-emphasize God’s sovereignty to the detriment of also taking seriously the Scriptures on our responsibility. It’s a mystery to be sure–how God is completely sovereign and we also have free will–but it’s Truth. And I am convinced I need to strengthen my understanding of these important doctrines.)

Anyway ...

Our little Pre-K class yesterday was a TOTAL JOY from my perspective. I can’t believe I get to spend time with those precious children! They are so wonderful–and funny. And such wretched little sinners too ... Oh, I just love them so much.

We did a little Bible and catechism. And we listed to some SUPER-COOL bluegrass music and danced around while playing instruments. We colored our notebook covers (fun!) and then they set a FORMAL table for our snack-time. (Tablecloth, linen napkins, real glass glasses and plates, silverware with REAL knives ... I figured even if we just eat some popcorn, snack-time is a great time to learn how to set a table and then practice table manners/conversation/serving one another. You should’ve seen them so politely eating their popcorn! It was ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.) Then we cleaned up together, read a book, and class was over.

Can you believe it?
Me?
Working with a room filled with small children?

(This is truly the LAST thing I could imagine me doing–well, maybe working a meat-packing plant or driving long-distance in a big truck are like the ABSOLUTE LAST two things I could ever imagine doing. THEN working with small children ... running a tight third. How funny that God moves in such mysterious ways! )

Blessed, wonderful & wonder-filled Wednesday to you, my friends!

Please don’t give up on the relationships in your lives–
Love matters to God, so it matters to us too, right?

Yours,
Tara B.

Well ... apparently, I have a problem.
A big one.

One morning this past week as I walked Lilikoi in the (smoky-haze-of-Montana-is-on-fire) early morning hours ... I realized something.

When I thought of a certain person.
(No. No. Not THAT person. Someone ELSE.)

When I pictured this person, I thought to myself:

"I will never forgive you."

Oh my!!
Barred-from-communion-table-level of SIN, people!!!!!

WHAT?!?!
I would THINK that?
Feel that?
Say that, even only to myself?

THIS IS A SERIOUS SIN, PEOPLE.

And thankfully–BY GOD’S GRACE ALONE!–my NEXT thought was:

"Oh, please, God ... FORGIVE ME! Please forgive me. Please have mercy on my–apparently bitter, vengeful, wretched–heart! And please change me. Turn me from my sin. Thank you for showing me this. Now–please, God. Forgive me and change me. I know that I cannot both love you and hate my brother. (1 John! 1 John!)"

And so it begins ...

Prayer.
Journaling.
Seeking counsel and accountability.
Repentance.
Prayer.
More repentance.

The good news is that God truly IS a forgiving God!!
And already, the temporary “pleasure” that bitterness and a judgmental, critical spirit affords is ALREADY being shown to be a HORROR of an enemy.
And I want no part of it.

God is faithful!
He IS conforming us to the image of His Son.

Oh–THANK GOD.
(I do. I really, really do.)

Pastor Alfred reminded us yesterday that conversion is a resurrection.
That God peered into the orphanage and said to the WORST KID, “I am going to adopt you and you will be mine and I will be yours.”
That even though we don’t look very glorious today–in Christ, before GOD, we ARE glorious.

The gospel brings dead people to life!
Thank You, Lord.

Happy, Blessed, Monday all!

With love,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

A plan. A friend.
I reached out to someone this week for help. (You know–you’ve heard me say it a thousand times ... what do I need help with? Discipline, prayer, accountability, etc.)

I was SO nervous to ask her. Boy it’s hard to be vulnerable!! But God’s grace CONSTRAINED me. Really. I just knew I had to do it and so I did.

How grateful I was when she responded that she had JUST been praying about that VERY thing on the VERY day she received my email!

And so I think that we might start to work together. I’m still a tiny bit scared – but hopeful too.

Change is SO hard!
But it’s good to not be alone.

I don’t think we have a plan yet ... but I’m mulling on this:
1. Face who I really am; and
2. Trust Who God truly is.
(Thanks to Profs. Lane & Tripp!)

Here’s to a good Thursday –

(I think I’m going to try to get Sophia into the doctor. Day four of a fever that has been in the 103 range. Poor love.)

Joy to you!

Your friend,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

Another AMAZING point that the speaker made last night had to do with the nature of SIN.

She mentioned how she had actually felt the “lump” or “ridge” in her breast for weeks before she did anything about it.

She told herself: “It’s just tissue.” “It’s just cystic.”

But of course it was the most aggressive, deadly breast cancer known to Man. Left untreated it would kill her for sure.

She (again) regaled us as she described her tendency to minimize her sin: “I guess I have some issues with anger management.” And to make excuses and shift blame: “Yes, I raised my voice to you and I probably shouldn’t have–but it WAS the THIRD TIME you asked me that EXACT SAME QUESTION!!!”

(Again! Oh, how I could relate.)

But then she took us to Scripture
and she showed us how God’s Word clearly says that sin is NOT to be trifled with.

She reminded us that sin leads to DEATH
and left untreated, our sin will kill us.

We can ignore it
minimize it
rationalize it
call it something “nicer”

But our sin is an enemy that seeks to DESTROY US.
Our Old Man is SET AGAINST GOD.

Our sin hates God.
And left untreated it will kill us.

Oh! What a call to engage in faith’s fight against sin–
To remember the Truth of the Gospel that we are NO LONGER SLAVES TO SIN.
To get help to engage in the battle!

To believe the Word of God more than our feelings or the lies that tempt us.

(I did a previous post on CHERISHED SINS where I quoted Pastor John Piper: “The attempt to find happiness in life by pinning your hope on something other than obedience to Jesus is like a lamb trying to satisfy its thirst at the nipple of a mother wolf. The source of your brief satisfaction will eat you for supper when evening comes.” SO TRUE! SO TRUE!)

How I pray that even this very day we will HATE OUR SIN and LOVE GOD.
(I’m ashamed to confess how much I love my sin sometimes. Such immaturity and faithlessness in me!)

And that we will remember that God’s love is toward His children and HE is changing us.
Amen! Amen!

Yours in the battle,
Tara B.

(From 2005)

Busy People & Sloth
As I was teaching at a women’s retreat this past weekend, I shared that I often struggle with sloth. The women laughed – probably because it can so easily seem that I am an efficient and productive person – and then I made the offhand comment that many busy people are prone to sloth.

It’s true! I see this in my own life and others have affirmed my gut instinct that so often we work really hard for a short period of time so that we can lazily indulge in unproductive, if not outright sinful, pastimes.

(Please note that I am not talking about God-glorifying rest. We all need to rest and recuperate. Relaxation, time with family and friends, pleasure, enjoyment–these are lovely, beautiful, God-honoring aspects of a Believer’s life. No, what I’m talking about is the insidious, self-indulgent, even wicked pastimes that we hide by being so “godly” and “efficient” the rest of our days.)

For example ... If I run around at 110 mph and crank out a BUNCH of work in a two-hour window and then enjoy a sweet nap or walk or a few pages of an interesting book ... praise the Lord! But what if I work hard to accomplish those tasks for the express purpose of later having time to laze around and watch mindless television while overindulging in (fill in the blank with your pet sin): food, alcohol, internet surfing to sites we would be embarrassed to have our children (or pastor!) find on our computer, shopping for worthless indulgences, etc. etc. etc.

Do you see how then our busy-ness can hide our sloth? Our sin?

Well, it can seem to hide our darkness ... but of course as Believers we know that everything is light in the Lord! There is nothing that can be hidden from Him.

Thank God He is also merciful as well as just!

This past weekend, I was reading John Piper’s wonderful book Don’t Waste Your Life. As I worked through the introduction, I journaled this:

“I do “so much”—but really, I do a LOT really quickly so that I can indulge myself. Rest, tv, food. I need to “get my stuff done” so that I can then hide away.

Please forgive me Jesus.
I have one life. I was made for YOU. Please don’t let me waste this life, Jesus.

Matthew 4 …
Stop trying to live on bread, Tara! Only living on every word that comes from the mouth of God is REAL LIVING. Everything else is a guilt-ridden burdened façade of ultimate despair.
Don’t put God to the test! You are playing with fire.
Run! Run! Run away from sin! Flee temptation!
Listen to the counsel you give Sophie.
Eat the food you feed your daughter.
Pray as you wish she would pray one day.

Worship the Lord your God and serve HIM only.

Yes, yes, you have been living for YOU. Even your Christian life is a lie. But it is also THE TRUTH.

You are a liar.
Manipulator.
Failure.

But you are loved.
Huh??

You, Tara, are loved.

But I don’t deserve it.
Absolutely. You don’t.

But but but …

Stop doubting and believe.
Believe!
Believe!

*

Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is near!

Repent so that God will love me?
NO.
Repent BECAUSE God loves me.
Ahhh … now we’re in the realm of the gospel.

Come follow me and YOU will become fishers of men?
NOPE. Come follow me and I will make you fishers of men.

Only one life,
‘Twil soon be past;
Only what’s done
For Christ will last.

*

Long my search has been in vain.
Now I must begin again.

O God, I do repent.
Please God lead me in repentance.
O God, I do believe.
Please, Jesus, help my unbelief. Deliver me from myself. My doubts and fears and longings. Please change me from the deceived and clouded woman I am to a woman of faith and maturity.

May I begin again. This moment. This day.
Please help me Jesus!
Please, God, please have mercy on me and help me.

***

O God, my Rock and my Redeemer. I am desperate for you. Desperate. A mess. A big honk of messed up Tara. Please forgive me and change me. Amen and amen.

Dr. Fuller “the Unity of the Bible”: God ordained a redemptive history whose sequence fully displays his glory so that, at the end, the greatest possible number of people would have had the historical antecedents necessary to engender [the most] fervent love for God … “

Please, God, give me a new heart that DELIGHTS in YOU with ALL MY HEART all for YOUR GLORY!!

Please make my passion YOUR passion.

Please change my heart. Please change what I delight in. Please change my passions. Thinking. Desiring, Believing.

Please don’t let me make peace with sin and go to hell (Matthew 5:29).

Please make me happy in You, God, for this will show you more glorious than all other sources of happiness!

Jonathan Edwards: The godly are designed for unknown and inconceivable happiness.

It is a lethal distraction to make myself the object of my highest affections. I was made to see and savor GOD—and savoring Him to be supremely satisfied, and thus spread in all the world the worth of his presence."

(Originally posted in 2005–I’m out of Internet contact for a few days!)

The Heaviness of Sin & The Hope of Forgiveness

Last night I had to have a serious talk with my husband, Fred. I had known for a long time that I needed to confess some things to him–but I was dreading it and didn’t want to face up to the blackness of my wicked heart. So I avoided the conversation and grew more burdened and depressed with each passing day.

I had a hard time worshipping God. My time in the Word grew shorter and shorter. I felt disconnected from my husband and friends. (Wonder why?!) And I was just basically in the pit. Sad, dark, weary, lonely pit.

Thank God!

“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.” Psalm 32:3-4

How grateful I am that God loves me so much that He makes me miserable! Otherwise, how would I ever repent?

So, yes, I told Fred. I confessed to him my sins. (Oh! I am still so embarrassed by them.) They had to do with a commitment we had made (we called it “boot camp”) to work on some spiritual and physical disciplines. (I continue to struggle!!) Anyway, “the deal” was that we had both carrots and sticks (rewards and punishments/consequences) if we did or did not honor our commitments. And I had to confess to Fred that I had not kept all of my commitments, and worse, I had not been completely honest with him at the time.

Of course! Of course! The dishonesty was the blow. That’s just not how we related with one another. Honesty and integrity go to the heartbeat of our marriage vows and our friendship. And I had violated his trust.

I felt so hopeless! So worthless! How could I have done this to my best friend? My beloved?

It was a hard, difficult, embarrassing conversation as I confessed my sins. But thankfully, God is gracious to both Fred and me and He gave Fred the grace to readily and lovingly forgive me. Not because I deserved his forgivenss. But, as Fred said, because he had been forgiven so much in Christ, that was why he forgave me too.

Thank God for forgiveness.

I said, “Won’t you not trust me any more?”
“Of course not. Of course I’ll trust you.”

“But I don’t deserve your trust!”
“We all receive lots of things we don’t deserve.”

I cried out, “Don’t you just hate me?”
“No way! Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Why? Why? Why?”
“Because I have forgiven you. It’s done. It’s covered. It’s over. I love you. Let’s move on.”

Thank God for forgiveness. Unearned. Unearnable. Lavish. Grace grace grace.

“Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD”—and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah

Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!” Psalm 32

Solo Femininity just posted a beautiful article about mental illness and what is “normal.” I thought it might particularly bless some of you who (like me) struggle with depression and have a family history of people who define themselves by their “mental illnesses.”

(You know ... I think I’m very nervous to head into all of these family dynamics over the course of the next seven days. This article was a sweet reminder and encouragement by a truly gifted and godly woman.)

4:00AM now. I’m going to try to get a couple of hours of sleep.

Love,
Tara B.

I absolutely cringed this weekend when I realized what a strong tendency I have to (silently of course! don’t want to look bad ... ) judge certain women.

(I do.
I really do.

Oh! This is such a graceless sin.
I am really struck and disgusted by my heart.)

I know that I am adopting a loveless attitude toward them because inwardly I hear this little voice:

"What kind of a CHRISTIAN would ..."

And then there is a list of “offenses” that really, are just opportunities for love, kindness, forbearance, friendship, patience ... growth in grace.

I hear this grace in the words of people around me who don’t judge, but instead come alongside these women, accept them ("just as Christ accepted you in order to bring praise to God" Romans 7:5, right?), love them, and help them to grow.

(This is how I want to be! Oh, forgive me, God. Please forgive my proud, vain, unloving, judgmental, faithless and graceless heart.)

You’ve heard the old adage:

"There’s just something about HER I can’t STAND ... about me."

I’m sure it’s true in this circumstance.

Because the things I am so judgmental about are the very things I struggle with!
And the way these women “bug” me is, I am absolutely SURE, the very way I bug people every day.

Oh! May God have mercy on our souls.
Forgive us our sins.
And unite our hearts in genuine Christian unity and love.

You know–this will only happen as we repent of our self-focus and intentionally (with all of our energy and effort and focus and drive and emotions and thoughts and actions!) lay hold of Christ in right worship.

Then–we will see His glory.
Our sin.
His mercy!
Our only hope.

And this–this gospel!–will enable us to give mercy to and have hope for the people around us.

Be glorified, we pray, O God!
Be glorified.
Amen.

Martha10 left a very sweet and encouraging comment to my recent tongue-in-cheek post on “does it count as homeschooling” ...

(Thanks for the kindness, Martha!)

But in order to combat any “overly-rosy” picture that she might have of ol' Sophie’s life, I thought I’d let you all in on one of my goals for today:

I am prayerfully striving to go just ONE DAY without raising my voice to Sophia.

(I am SO SO SO ashamed to even write that!!)

You know ... I didn’t used to raise my voice or use “the tone” with her.
Well–not very often and certainly not on a regular basis.

In fact, I think I might have–at one time–A LONG TIME AGO–even had slightly proud, Pharisaical thoughts toward “those people” who raise their voices to their children. I thought, “How could THEY?!”

But of course, now, seeing even more the depth of depravity of my sin, I think, “How do people NOT use the tone with their kids?!?”

(God is definitely going to have to give me grace and help in this battle!)

What’s really dumb, I think, is how I can be SOOOOOOOOOO patient with Sophie on SOME things (that I know drive people CRAZY!) ... but then I feel frustrated over ridiculous things. (Like her struggling with reading–I mean, give me a break! What mother in her right mind would get frustrated with a three-and-a-half-year-old over READING!? I should just be shocked and thrilled that she WANTS to learn to read and she LIKES to read and she squeals with glee and cheers, “I can read! I can read!” when she learns a new phonics rule and “puts it all together” into a “REAL WORD!” But no, sometimes I actually lose my temper over her progress on a difficult word. Now THAT is clearly SIN.)

ANYWAY ... I really appreciate your constant encouragement, Martha10, and I AM grateful for how much God has grown me so that I can even TRY to provide a happy, healthy, God-centered, safe, secure, stable home for Sophia.

But I do hope that no one has any “ideal” picture in their mind when they think of the Barthel home life.

Rather, I truly hope and pray that you have a perfect picture of our Perfect God–Who forgives mothers who raise their voices (and gives us the opportunity to model repentance and confession to our children too; better not to sin, yes! But oh so good to be forgiven!) ...

Who forgives mothers who neglect their duties to indulge their self-centeredness by “escaping” with food, television, reading, etc. (and then calls us to repent of our sin and get to work OR to enjoy refreshing REST–rather than addictive, dark, hidden sins that only leave us feeling WORSE) ...

Who forgives mothers who still can’t cook even though they are officially “almost 40” now (and even lavishly gives us husbands who laugh and help and cheerily eat peanut butter or cereal if things just completely crash and burn–literally–in the kitchen) ...

I truly do NOT want to sin so that grace can abound more and more.
But I AM grateful that God has made a way for us to be right with Him and with the people around us.
(Especially our children!)

So anyway ... I’ve made it through walking Lili, working out at the gym, coming home and doing Bible, violin, reading, logic, and mostly just a lot of cuddles and playtime adventures involving–let’s see, who is at my feet? Looks like the entire Backyardigans gang and tiny teddy bears from Michigan, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Chicago. (Seriously! I have GOT to learn to resist those airport stores, eh? But she finds the states and cities on her little map and remembers where they all came from and ... well ... I’m just not sounding like someone who has made up her mind to not get any more state-specific-airport-bears, am I?)

I’ll try to remember to let you know if I make it through the entire day AND night without raising my voice. (Deacon Fred is helping a family tonight so we’re trying to come up with a fun girls-night-adventure. Hmmmm ... maybe bedtime at 7:30??)

Thanks, all!
And God bless you–

With love,
Tara B.

I just received permission from Robert D. Jones to include an excerpt from his wonderful book, Uprooting Anger: Biblical Help for a Common Problem, in my dvd study guide.

Thought you might enjoy it too–so here you are!

God bless,
Tara B.

Robert D. Jones lists a number of descriptors about people who hold grudges and refuse to forgive. Do any of these statements describe you? Someone you know? If so, how is God calling you to repent and forgive your offender from your heart (Mark 11:25)?

1. You are forgetting the size of the massive sin debt for which God forgave you (Matt. 18:21-35; Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).

2. You are declaring that you do not need God’s forgiveness in your life (Matt. 6:12-15; 18:21-35; Mark 11:25).

3. You are declaring that you do not need God’s mercy on the day of judgment (Mic. 6:8; Matt. 5:7; James 2:13).

4. You are assuming God’s role as Judge (Gen. 50:19; Rom. 12:19; James 4:12).

5. You are forgetting the fact that the offender, as a sinner, is in one sense deceived and enslaved by his sin. You lack compassion (Luke 23:34a; John 8:34; Eph. 4:30-5:2; Col. 3:12-14).

6. You are forgetting the fact that you, as a sinner, are capable of the same sin and that the same root sin may already reside in you (Prov. 16:18; Jer. 17:9; 1 Cor. 10:12; Heb. 3:12-13).

PS
Sorry that I’m not very chatty–OH MY STARS I have the worst headache! And today is my day to REALLY work on this guide. (Soph’s at a babysitter’s and everything. You should’ve seen her this morning–cowgirl shirt, boot-cut pants, pink boots, I could hardly let her go I just wanted to kiss her all day long. SO CUTE.)

Every step this morning walking Lilikoi was excruciating–OH how I hope this thing goes away. (I just took like 800 mg of Ibuprofen.)

ANYWAY–I hope to be chatty and post pics and all that before too long. But right now I’m pressing on ...

Love to all!
– t

Pastor Jason preached a wonderful sermon this morning on, “Cultivating Humility.” The key passage was Romans 12 (some of you may recall that MY Bible has RIPPED PAGES where Romans 12 used to be. Oh, my sin!)

There were many great things to think about, but I’ll just mention a few here:

1. Whenever I have an “agenda conflict” with God and then I try to “fix” the situation or MYSELF by my actions ("I’ll try harder!" “I’ll do better” "I can get this–really–I can fix it!") ... I am JUSTIFYING myself.

And whenever I’m stuck trying to justify myself–I am ALWAYS (ALWAYS!) going to be condemning YOU.

2. There are two key indicators that show this proud, self-justifying, faithless heart: i) I am Self-Righteous: I replace God’s standard with my own and then JUDGE OTHERS by it (i.e., “The Rules of Conduct for Good TARA Living” that go BEYOND Scripture); ii) I am Self-Centered: My comfort and satisfaction is what motivates me in life. People become either obstacles that hinder my goals or vehicles to achieve my goals. But there is NO LOVE.

3. A lack of humility; an agenda conflict with God; self-righteousness & self-centeredness ALL sound like this:

- “Serious Christians would NEVER watch THAT movie/television show!”
- “Strong Believers know that it is a GOOD thing to enjoy alcohol in moderation!”
(Followed quickly by ...)
- “NO CHRISTIAN would EVER drink ANY alcohol!”
- “If they really cared about their children, they would STOP/START homeschooling, public schooling, Classical schooling, Christian schooling; they would STOP/START reading ”THOSE" books; they would NEVER go to THOSE places ..."
- “I can’t BELIEVE the elders did THAT! And they call themselves a peacemaking church!”

But, of course, there is Good News. The Best News.

Jesus came to live and die and be raised again for our sinful, wretched, NOT HUMBLE hearts.
There is rescue!
We CAN be saved and we ARE being saved and we WILL be saved–because of the Righteousness of Another.

Thank God.
Because otherwise–I would just fall into a hole and never climb out of it.

I was WAYYYYYYYYYY too convicted during the sermon.
I’ve been thinking how I’m not a humble person–well–now I know it for sure.

If Pastor Jason is right and cultivating humility requires that I “contemplate my connection to Christ” and “celebrate my connection to the Body of Christ” ... well ... I am often a very NOT humble person.

I DO look at self rather than at the mercy of Another ("In view of God’s mercy ...").
I FORGET the lavishness of the gospel–and introspective self-focus is just another warping of selfish pride!

And while I claim to value the Church–there are many times when it’s just so uncomfortable to fellowship with people!

Like this morning ... I TRY to visit with people; ask questions about their lives; get into a dialogue with them ... but do you ever just feel like time is standing still and it’s all so awkward and strange and you wonder why they came over to talk to you ANYWAY? Well ... that’s me.

(But I DO keep trying because I know it’s a part of Body Life.)

Do you ever see someone and quickly think, “I hope she doesn’t sit near me.” NOT because of some sort of conflict, no ... but more so just because you’re a tired, selfish person and you’d rather just survive and get HOME than try to interact with people? Well ... that’s me.

And yet ... and yet ...

There really IS hope!

We are called to remember (Who God is, who we are, that God is at work throughout all of time and we are one part of His plan of redemption);
And to get help (study, pray, read, seek counsel and encouragement);
To persevere (for the first time in over twenty years of being a Christian, I had the strange thought today, “Maybe I could just STOP coming to church AT ALL?!?” Of course it’s NOT an option.);
To serve and love and get over ourselves.

None of which we can do.
So it MUST be God.

Thank GOD that HE is at work in us!
I do. I do.

God bless you all–

Yours,
Tara B.

Does it bug you to have to be on hold for five minutes? Or wait at the post office for ten?

Enjoy this essay by one of my heroes of the faith, Ajith Fernando.
(And please do continue to pray and financially support his ministry at Youth for Christ!)

Yours,
Tara B.

ON WAITING IN A LONG QUEUE
by Ajith Fernando

As things go from bad to worse in Sri Lanka, we need to be looking for ways in which we can preserve the joy of the Lord amidst all the gloom around us, so that our demeanour exhibits the glorious good news of the gospel which we are called to take to our suffering people. The battle for joy was waged this week when I went to an embassy to apply for a visa. I stood in a queue for three hours, most of it outside the building, and then sat for another half hour before I was called for the interview.

Now if Romans 8:28 is true, this experience must work for my good. As I thought about this, I found that this was indeed the case.

First, God spoke to me and refreshed my spirit through some reading I did while standing in the queue. I read two inspiring sermons of Robert Murray M‘Cheyne from his book A Basket of Fragments (Christian Focus) and an immensely instructive booklet by John Stott, The Grace of Giving (IFES and Langham Partnership International. E-mail for orders: international@ivpbooks.com). If truth is the great treasure that the Bible says it is (See Psa. 19:10), then I was earning a fortune while I was standing in line. One of the greatest blessings of Sri Lankans having to “waste time” in queues and offices is that this gives us time to read and reflect—if we take material to help us do that. There is a practice I try to conscientiously follow: never go to a government office without a book!

Second, I had an opportunity to slow down and strengthen my “eternity muscles” which help me face the challenges of life. One of the most blatant expressions of worldliness in my life is the fact that I find too much satisfaction from doing things rather than from the truth that “the eternal God is [my] refuge and underneath are the everlasting arms” (Deut. 33:27). If I were fully secure in this knowledge I would relish just being in the presence of God and my life would not be characterised by the restlessness and impatience it often manifests. People like me need to often pray the prayer of W. E. Sangster, “Slow me down, Lord.”

If God’s servants are not proactive in slowing down, the merciful God may order circumstances that will bring us to the inaction that helps slow us down and force us to change gears so as to affirm what matters most in life. Without fighting this angrily we must learn to accept it gratefully. A long wait in the queue becomes an opportunity to remind us that we are creatures of eternity along a journey upward to heaven. Christians should always be thinking about heaven because that is where we are headed. Heaven has a huge part to play in determining the values that will influence our lives.

My heart can sing when I pause to remember
A heart ache here is but a stepping stone.
Along a trail that’s winding always upward,
This troubled world is not my final home.

But until then my heart will go on singing,
Until then with joy I’ll carry on,
Until the day my eyes behold the city,
Until the day God calls me home (Stuart Hamblen)

Third, I was able to reflect on the phenomenon of queue breaking, a thing that is all too common in Sri Lanka. I saw several people trying to break the queue, and I even prevented (I think) two people from doing so! I was able to think afresh about why it is important for Christian leaders not to break queues. Our country seems to be sinking into anarchy as no one seems to respect rules. Rules are viewed as an inconvenience which the rich and powerful do not need to subject themselves to. So when those who are not rich and powerful face subjection to rules they are reminded of their own weakness. Naturally they would resent rules. I have seen this even among our staff. Staff workers get angry when organisational changes bring in new rules which seem to clip their wings and force them to stop their earlier privilege of making decisions without much interference by others.

How do we remedy this situation? By approaching rules the way the Bible approaches them. Rules are a necessary feature in keeping this world a beautiful place. If the world is to be beautiful, nature must obey certain rules. So we can predict when the sun will rise and set; when summer ends and winter starts and when there will be a full moon. It is the same with human life. If there are no rules to guide our behaviour we have anarchy and all of us will suffer. So when we submit to rules even when it is inconvenient, we do so because we know that it contributes to the beauty of this world. Because we love the world and because we are committed to upholding God’s kingdom principles in society we submit, so that others will not be deprived and so that we will contribute to the general well-being of society.

In this context it is very important for leaders to play their part in demonstrating the value of rules. The best way to do that is by submitting to them. When people see those who could exempt themselves from adherence to rules submitting to them they will get the message that there is something good about submitting to rules. They will submit not out of resentment but gladly, to contribute to a making this world a beautiful place to live in. I pray that Christians in Sri Lanka will be known as those who refuse to break rules.

Fourth, I believe I did not fall into sin when I was standing in the queue. Falling into sin is the worst thing that could happen to me; much worse than getting sick or losing earthly treasure. I am often subjected to temptation when I am driving on the road because of suggestive billboards or scantily clad women walking on the road, or when I am watching TV or reading the newspapers, or when I am on the internet. Isn’t it strange that we do not get too aggravated when we the media degrades God’s beautiful gift of sex by inviting us to look for pleasure at persons who are not our spouse? We do not get too aggravated when it degrades the sanctity of life by inviting us to enjoy the cheapening of life through violence. But when we are inconvenienced through a queue or while driving in traffic—do we get aggravated! Inconvenience is an infinitesimally smaller problem than temptation. Inconvenience slows us down a bit for a little time. Temptation can cause eternal loss in our lives. Inconvenience then, drives us to remember the truly dangerous things in life and exposes the scandalous way in which we have got our priorities wrong.

Essentially, then, the experience of being in the queue was good for me. I am not saying that this is the best way for an embassy to deal with potential visitors to a country. That needs to change. If I have an opportunity and a call I should work to alleviate that wrong thing. But I cannot afford to forfeit eternal good to my life because others do things wrong. I must always be a vessel fit for the Master’s use. And anything that helps me to become that is a blessing. It may look like a trial. But as James says, when we face such trials we can do so with “all joy”—joy that is unalloyed, joy without a cloud of regret—because the good God will use this to have a net affect for good in my life (Jas 1:2-4).

And when we follow God, everyday is an opportunity to experience the sufficient grace of Christ; everyday brings with it reasons to be happy.

Through all the changing scenes of life,
In trouble and in joy,
The praises of my God shall still
My heart and tongue employ.

In his sermon last week, our pastor reminded us that no one gives up on Jesus in one day.

That is ... when someone who professes Christ turns away, it usually happens in gradual steps.
Less time in the Word and prayer and worship.
Avoiding church, the gathering of the saints, corporate prayer, godly fellowship.
Increasing time with unbelievers who blaspheme and accuse God and mock His Son.
And before you know it ... “you don’t believe any more.”

I haven’t known that many people who confessed Christ and then stopped.
But I’ve known a few ...
And this pattern did describe them all.

(Just as it could describe me, were I to be caught in sin and hardened in heart!)

It made me grateful for God’s persevering love.
AND for the Church too.

I am so grateful that my friends and leaders love me enough to come after me, if ever I were to turn away from God.

I KNOW that if I suddenly pulled back from fellowship and corporate worship, SOMEONE would confront me.
Put our friendship on the line.
Get our shepherds involved if necessary.
Live out Galatians 6!

Do you have this confidence in your friends and church leaders?
Have you ever helped someone in this way? Loved them enough to confront/gently restore (even though you truly thought it could be the end of your friendship)?

May God give us eyes to see when someone is beginning to be ensnared by the deceitfulness of sin!
And may we be Jesus with skin on to love them and help them to come back to HIM.
Amen & Amen

In his sermon this morning, our pastor defined gossip as:

Sharing something that is true, but sharing only part of the information, with someone who has no right to know and no desire to help.

I immediately began to think through a grid of my own speech and how often I fail to live out Ephesians 4:29 (to let “no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen”).

How often are we tempted to gossip?
To bear false witness?
Slander and accuse?
Breathe graceless, gospel-less, cross-less words of condemnation?
(Especially when someone hurts and offends us.)

How I pray that my words will be seasoned with salt, as it were!
A balm of grace.
The kind of love that covers over a multitude of sins ... pure grace.

(You’ll probably be hearing more from me on this topic in the coming weeks and months. I seem to be in the battle a bit concerning a certain relationship. May God have mercy! He does. He does.)

Clinging to Christ–
Who is clinging to me with an everlasting love (and giving me grace to believe)!

Yours,
Tara B.

I have been convicted lately that I am holding a grudge toward a certain person.

Granted, this person has consistently judged me ("you claim to love God but all you REALLY care about is yourself"), criticized me ("I can’t BELIEVE you do that with Sophia–I would NEVER parent in that way"), and uncharitably presumed the WORST about me for YEARS ("you don’t value your marriage," “all you care about is your career and professional success,” etc. etc.) ...

But does this person’s lack of kindness and grace towards ME somehow “justify” me having a judgmental, critical, uncharitable attitude towards him? OF COURSE NOT.

And the truth is – right now? Today? I’m struggling with maintaining a gentle heart toward him.
I WANT to treat him the same way he treats me.
My INSTINCT is to return meanness for meanness.

But then I remember.

- God’s saving grace toward ME (though I deserve his judgment and wrath)
- God’s patience and forbearance toward ME (though He could rightly criticize my thoughts, words, and actions every single moment of every single day)
- How often and consistently and perfectly God forgives me over and over and over again!

And suddenly, as I am worshipping God and remembering how lavish His love is for me because of Christ ...

Well ...

I think, “Maybe it’ll be OK to see this person at worship, on my caller ID, or even in my home.”

I can’t manufacture “love” and “fake it.”
But as I remember God’s love and kindness and worship Him rightly? I have grace for the day to NOT return evil for evil ... but simply to return good.

May we all be careful to NOT hurt in the way we are being hurt.
But to bless, as we are truly blessed by God.

Happy Saturday, dear ones!

Yours,
Tara B.

Sophie and I just returned from running errands. (Good timing because it’s starting to SNOW!) And I can’t stop thinking about a certain driver I observed:

- Zig-zagging in traffic to try to get ONE CAR LENGTH further ahead
- Tailgating all of us (even with the wet, slippery, winter roads)
- Passing and then GUNNING it (can you think of the wear and tear on his tires & engine?)

... all to end up at the EXACT same intersection at the EXACT same time as Sophia and I.

(Who were happily bouncing along and air-drumming to some worship song.)

I thought to myself: “He sure is making a lot of people unhappy and putting a lot of people at risk of an accident for ABSOLUTELY NO GOOD REASON.”

Made me reflect on how many times I’ve grumped and groused and pushed my way through a day.
(Making lots of people miserable, I’m sure.)
All for no good reason.

Dear Lord!
Please help me to air-drum to worship with a big grin instead.
Amen!

I had a terrible time flying Delta this past week. They separated Sophia and me (not so good since she’s only THREE!); we were almost denied boarding in Denver even though we had been at the airport for over THREE HOURS (because some employee forgot to stamp my boarding pass with some TSA whatever); and then–of course–they LOST OUR LUGGAGE.

Sadly, instead of having a good attitude (standing in line at the airport with a bunch of other disgruntled people) – like I USUALLY try to have!! – I was pretty much freaking out because I didn’t have a CAR SEAT and I didn’t know how I was going to get Sophie and me home.

(This all felt particularly overwhelming because Fred is in California so we were “on our own.”)

Long story short ... it all worked out–even though we still don’t have our luggage–and we made it home safely last night. BUT, Sophie heard me say more than once (to myself, to a friend on the phone as I tried to find someone with a car seat), “I hate Delta.” And one of the FIRST things Sophie said this morning (after, “Good morning,” and “I can’t wait until Wednesday when Daddy comes home,” and “I’m sad I can’t go to swim lessons because of my ear infection,” etc. etc. was, “WE HATE DELTA, right Mommy?”

!!

Of course, such words are simply not appropriate (God-honoring, Ephesians 4:29) words for anyone–especially a Mommy!–to be using.

So of course I had to apologize and tell Sophie that I was wrong to say that and I SHOULD HAVE said, “Well, this is a disappointment. And some people either made mistakes or just aren’t very competent at their jobs. But isn’t is good that God is with us! Let’s concentrate on our blessings and not have a grouchy heart, OK?”

But I didn’t.
So there you have it.

'Course–this is just one example of MANY of my sins and unbelief.
And what I am thinking about as we start our day today is:

Thank God for forgiveness!
And for mercies which truly are NEW every morning.

Thank God that we can be right with Him
and (even though it is embarrassing!) model repentance, confession, and forgiveness for our children.

For our family devotions, we spent some good time in Romans.

I asked Sophie WHY she disobeyed me sometimes and WHY she had an ugly heart sometimes and she replied, “I’m really not sure, Mommy.”

And so I got to talk to her about sin.
Her sin.
My sin.
Sin that can be forgiven because of Jesus.

Dan Doriani says that parenting is just “big sinners helping little sinners.”
How right he is!

I hope that you all enjoy a wonderful day–
Remembering God’s forgiveness every moment.

Happy Monday!

With love,
Tara B.

This morning, Fred will again teach our church’s teenagers on the topic of financial stewardship. (I continue in my role of “color commentary” and “case study of what NOT do to as a young adult concerning money.”)

To prepare, Fred not only prayed and studied Scripture, he spent a lot of time looking at online loan calculators, investment return resources, and other sites that might help him illustrate his teaching point.

Looking at all of those topics related to DEBT truly reminded me of the old “Scarlet D” I used to wear on my chest ...

How, when I met Fred in grad school, in addition to the “Scarlet A” I wore (as a result of my past s*xual sins (have to avoid SPAMMERS by that spelling), I truly felt I had this “Scarlet D for DEBT” on my dress as well.)

This was particularly true because Fred had NEITHER.
He didn’t have a past to shame him regarding relationships with women.
He didn’t have any debt–and in fact had three “assets” to his name: his car, baseball glove, and trumpet.

(Sweet, huh?)

Anyway ... the BEST part of all of this remembrance is how I could think about it all WITHOUT GUILT OR SHAME.

Because I know I am forgiven.

By Fred.
By God.

And although, until Glory, I will have to deal with SOME of the ramifications of my unwise and sinful decisions ... I am also greatly comforted by God’s mercy to me even in this life. (Granting me the GIFT of such a wonderful husband; allowing us to get out from under my $73,000 in DEBT in only a couple of years so that we could leave our jobs in Chicago and come and serve at Peacemaker Ministries here in Montana; etc. etc. etc.)

Were it not for grace ...

Amen?
Amen!

And Happy Sunday to you all–

Love,
Tara B.

So I’m convicted. UGH.

There are two things in my life that, well, I just want TOO MUCH.

Neither is sinful per se. (Though overindulgence in both IS.)
Neither is particularly beneficial. (Though I find them both pleasant!)

BUT ... BUT ... BUT ...

I am convicted that I need to give them up.
Maybe not forever–but definitely for a season.
And so I shall.

One year.
365 days.
Like the Mayor of Casterbridge (only that was for a LOT longer!) ... I shall turn away.

Fred is supportive.
I’m scared.
(Another indicator that I need to say, “No thanks!”, eh?)

I’ll be sure to let you know how things go.
(Please do pray for me if I flit through your hearts/minds. I would appreciate it!)

And I pray:

Please, God, forgive me for delighting TOO MUCH in the things of this world. Please forgive me for not wanting to give them up. And please, Lord, please change my heart. Cause me to love YOU more than anything or anyone else. Please teach me and grow me and help me to rest in YOU. For Your glory! May I delight in You. Amen.

Love to all!
Happy New Year!

Yours,
Tara B.

I woke up at 5AM again this morning–not quite ready to go back to the gym. (72 hours on antibiotics now–so it shouldn’t be long.) As I sat in the Christmas lights (SO nice! Don’t you miss them when they’re gone?), I picked up the latest issue of The Journal of Biblical Counseling.

Friends, I just cannot more highly recommend this wonderful ministry (The Christian Counseling & Education Foundation).

As soon as I begin to read ANYTHING by these authors (David Powlison, Ed Welch, Timothy Lane, Winston Smith), it is as though my heart SIGHS, my mind ENGAGES, and my spirit is immediately EDIFIED. I am drawn to worship CHRIST. I am motivated to pick up the WORD. I am helped in my meager efforts to LOVE PEOPLE and live for GOD’S GLORY ALONE.

The latest issue (Fall 2006) is all on ANGER.

Now I realize that this topic might not sound like a “fun read” ... but don’t we all deal with anger all the time?

- Our child repeats the same phrase for (literally!) AN HOUR and we finally turn and use “the tone” and “the look” (and the scared/sad look in her eyes rightfully shames us).

- We look around at the happy marriages in our church and then we cringe again at even the THOUGHT of our husband TOUCHING us because we despise him with every fiber in our being.

- We long for ONE thing ... one tiny, GOOD thing that everyone else around us seems to have (and TAKE FOR GRANTED!) ... like a child, health, a home, the ability to pay our bills on time ... and when we don’t get what we want, we secretly shake our fists at GOD and live our lives ruled by destructive, poisoning ANGER.

I could go on and on (and on and on). (Seriously–just try teaching, writing, and blogging on peacemaking and women for awhile and you’ll hear a LOT about anger. Plus, of course, my own oft-faithless, oft-selfish heart gives me example after example.)

So please consider spending ten bucks and buy this issue. Read it and be helped–and then donate it to your church’s library or give it to your pastor.

(Or better yet: buy your pastor/church twenty years of Journal Issues for only $120! Searchable, indexed–this is a steal at twice the price.)

No, I don’t work for them.
No one there would know my name.
But I love and respect these men and women more than you can imagine–and I encourage you to get to know them.

Fred and I are even thinking about trying to go to their Annual Conference in 2007: Running Scared–Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest. Maybe we’ll see you there?

I’ll close with this little excerpt from the issue (hoping that Dr. Powlison doesn’t mind). In this article, Dr. Powlison begins with an example he observed in a grocery store (that we’ve all observed, I am sure) ... a young woman, obviously beaten down by the cares of life, rages at her preschooler who wants a candy bar. Here is what just a sliver of what he writes in response:

"These three angers aren’t like anything on Oprah or in the self-help books. Half those books teach techniques for keeping your cool amid the irritants of life. The other half urge you to stand up for yourself, to own your anger in order to feel empowered ...

But this slice of life in the supermarket is not about irritants or about managing reality to get more of what you want. It’s about evils. It’s about things that are wrong and destructive. They need to be made right. What it takes to make it right is not obvious–but the right kind of anger is part of the solution. Platitudes, techniques, self-assertion, or calming medications can never do what needs doing. None of these angers are explained on Oprah, but they are what the Bible is about.

... The boy’s anger was the kind we’re most familiar with: “I want my way. When I don’t get it, I make a stink. I feel sorry for myself. It’s so unfair when I don’t get what I want when I want it. I manipulate to get what I want, and bully if necessary. I punish anyone who crosses my almighty will.” ... Anger whines and sulks ... persists and throws a scene ... anger is savvy and strategic.

... Very rarely, wonderfully, (this kind of anger) prompts the constructive responses of peacemaking.

... The mom’s anger is like in kind, but not so simple ... Her wrath had ripened through the years into a more complex evil. It had more history tangled into it. It incorporated more strands of current events. It wrapped into itself a hopeless future. It came as a torrent of mixed feelings, blind motives, bad experiences. It was raw hostility, and it was also despair, fear, habit, regret, hurt, disappointment, consequences of past bad choices, no role models of anything different, accumulated provocations, a mob of other desires, tight finances, other mutually destructive relationships, lies believed, lousy life options, accumulated resentments, futile goals, too much TV, and perhaps a hangover. Her anger at her son was cosmic in scope and scale ... “Right now, I’m angry at everything.”

... A real understanding of anger and a true solution to anger problems must go as deep as these problems. And it must go even deeper. In the supermarket there was a hint of some other kind of anger, qualitatively different in intention. It is inextricably mingled with love. It is not problem anger. It is one part of the solution, one element in peacemaking, one part of mercy. I caught the fragrance in the supermarket that day. I am persuaded that the substance is in Jesus."

So it’s that time of year again ...

I look at my Quicken reports & savings accounts;
My scale (eek!) and pant size;
How often I go a day or two (or more!) without drenching my mind in the Word ...

And I am SO tempted to set some SERIOUS goals!

You know what I mean?

Spreadsheets
Lists
ACCOUNTABILITY, BABY!

All of which can be good, of course ...
But they NEVER SOLVE MY PROBLEM!!
Never. Nope. Never.

So what do I do?
I listen to this sermon. Again.

This sermon is one that my pastor, Alfred Poirier, gave way back in 2002 and pretty much every New Year’s Eve/end of the year since then, I’ve listened to it again.

(I’ve also sent it as a tape to SO many friends that I’ve lost track by now.)
And so I now share it with you.

Please consider setting aside some time to listen to this message. If you do, I know that you will be blessed, challenged, and reminded of the HOLINESS of God and the MERCY of God too:

Are You Desperate for a Savior?
Rev. Dr. Alfred J. Poirier

Love to all,
Tara B.

I reached out to someone this week for help. (You know–you’ve heard me say it a thousand times ... what do I need help with? Discipline, prayer, accountability, etc.)

I was SO nervous to ask her. Boy it’s hard to be vulnerable!! But God’s grace CONSTRAINED me. Really. I just knew I had to do it and so I did.

How grateful I was when she responded that she had JUST been praying about that VERY thing on the VERY day she received my email!

And so I think that we might start to work together. I’m still a tiny bit scared – but hopeful too.

Change is SO hard!
But it’s good to not be alone.

I don’t think we have a plan yet ... but I’m mulling on this:

1. Face who I really am; and
2. Trust Who God truly is.

(Thanks to Profs. Lane & Tripp!)

Here’s to a good Thursday –

(I think I’m going to try to get Sophia into the doctor. Day four of a fever that has been in the 103 range. Poor love.)

Joy to you!

Your friend,
Tara B.

I am deep into preparations for my new ("advanced" / “alumni”) women’s retreat. (A church in Texas has already had me teach my “standard” retreat and they asked me to come back next month for another event. So I’m preparing a new set of teachings on Becoming Who You Already Are: How the Gospel Transforms Our Lives and Brings Us Peace.)

Does anyone else find it strange (hard? painful? frustrating?) that whenever we have to pray, study, and prepare to teach on a certain topic we invariably start to STRUGGLE regarding it? That has surely been my experience lately.

As you may have picked up from some of my recent posts, I’ve been quite discouraged by my own sin and depravity lately. I think to myself:

What a joke! What a fraud I am! How can I possibly teach on CHANGE when I see so LITTLE change in my own life?

How indeed.

Well–tonight (as I’m up at 2AM again), I read a line from the new CCEF book How People Change and was immediately convicted:

"This life of self-examination and joyful discontent should not be confused with a life of paralyzing self-condemnation."

It shouldn’t?

Of course not!

But, UH-OH ... I saw myself just a TAD too much in it.

So where is the gospel? Professors Lane and Tripp continue ...

"God does not call us to self-loathing, but to a willingness to examine our lives in light of our hope as new creatures in Christ. That hope is not only based on the promise of forgiveness, but on the promise of personal deliverance and restoration as well. The same grace that has forgiven me is now in the process of radically changing me."

Amen & Amen!

With my hope refocused again on CHRIST ... I think I’ll try to get some sleep now. Again.

Love to all!

Your friend,
Tara B.

At a recent small group Bible study (that Fred leads in our home every week), I asked for prayer for a "thread of bitterness/sadness" that I felt was living in my heart ... poisoning me, saddening me, and basically just hurting me every single day.

Well, tonight I picked up (again) Cornelius Plantinga’s breviary of sin, Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be:

.

Thankfully, I’m heading to bed convicted ... and helped too.

(You know, we can’t repent of something that we don’t acknowledge. And it often takes help to see our hearts clearly so that we can rightly acknowledge the darkness that lurks there.)

Well ... after reading Dr. Plantinga’s Chapter 9 ("Attack"), I think that I see more clearly now how the sin I am struggling with is actually ENVY.

Let me share just a few thoughts/observations from the chapter (and I encourage you to buy this book too! It’s a keeper.):

- This is a motive as old as Cain and Abel ... This is a motive that prompts people to slice up other people’s reputations and failing other ways of bringing them down, to kill them. I mean envy–an ugly sin and a motive for ugly sins.

- (When we envy, we are like Cain.) Cain looks over at Abel and no longer sees his brother. All he sees now is a rival–not somebody to love and lift up but somebody who needs to be cut down to size. A poisonous little fire is eating Cain’s innards. And his terrible conclusion is that only his brother’s blood can put it out.

- An envier doesn’t care whether you have earned part of your success or whether some golden parachute from heaven has dropped straight into your lap. To an envier, your advantage is totally unfair either way. In this respect, enviers are theological switch-hitters: sometimes they are Pelagians and sometimes they are Augustinians. But always they are potential killers.

- Envy is a nastier sin than mere covetousness. What an envier wants is not, first of all, what another has; what an envier wants is for another NOT to have it ... The coveter has empty hands and wants to fill them with somebody else’s goods. The envier has empty hands and therefore wants to empty the hands of the envied.

- What the envier really wants is to spoil something–or someone ... Why? What’s the point? The point is anger. Envy is a corrupted form of resentment and therefore of anger. (Anger flares; settles into chronic irritability; is passionate againstness.)

- Why? Why think of someone else’s good as an injury to oneself? What’s the point? The point is pride. Envy, like the pride that spawns it, is inevitably comparative.

- Envy, says Chaucer’s parson, is the worst sin there is for envy is against all virtues and against all goodnesses. Wherever we find envy, we find the wreckage of human and Christian community. Envious people backbite. They save up bad news of others and pass it around like an appetizer at happy hour. The envier grumbles. He murmurs. He complains that all the wrong people are getting ahead … These are “anti-community sins.”

- Envy poisons the envier, introducing gangrene into his own soul.

Dear pilgrim, dear friend ... are you convicted?

I am!

Not so much in envying riches or material things (although I probably struggle with this more than I realize) … but in envying the position, respect, power, acclaim that a certain person (who has HURT ME) continues to enjoy (all while I “suffer”).

(Suffer? Yeah, right. Even in my occasional pity-pot-selfishness, I cringe when I even THINK about describing my “lap of luxury” life as suffering. I never want for clean water and healthy food. I have a warm home, freedom to worship, and a loving husband and daughter. Seriously, what a JERK I am to be ANYTHING but grateful. God have mercy on me!)

But still … in my sin, I do struggle with my heart towards this person. I want her to SEE what she’s done and REALLY be sorry. I want her to PAY for what she’s done and NEVER do it again.

Sickeningly, sometimes I want her to SUFFER like I’ve suffered. I even go so far as to wish ill toward her—that her sin would be shown and I would be vindicated as the poor little victim.

(Give me a break! What a joke. What a LIE. My sin is BLACK with selfishness, pride, bitterness, and idolatrous worship of the false god of ME.)

So where is our hope?
Will this struggle with sin EVER CEASE?

Yes! Yes! Yes!
One day, on that glorious resurrection morning (which for some of us is sooner than we could ever imagine) ... God will raise “the Victim of envy, the One who had been slain, the One Whose blood had been crying out from the group for so many centuries” and we will be perfect in Him.

Our Hope!
Our Deliverer!

Thank You, Jesus, for dying for our sins.
For our oft envious hearts.

Forgive us we pray!
And give us faith in YOU to be CONTENT–whether in plenty or in want.

Amen & Amen

I’m in a note-reviewing kind of mode. Can you tell?



Here are some quotes from Kris Lundgaard’s (excellent!) book, The Enemy Within:

“That raises the question, “In what sense has Christ defeated sin in the believer?” The answer is that he has overthrown its rule, weakened its power, and even killed its root so that it cannot bear the fruit of eternal death in a believer. Still—and this is amazing but true—sin is sin; its nature and purpose remain unchanged; its force and success still grab us by the throat.”

“Believers are the only people who ever find the law of sin at work in them. Unbelievers can’t feel it. The law of sin is a raging river, carrying them along; they cannot measure the force of the current, because they have surrendered themselves to it and are borne along by it. A believer, on the other hand, swims upstream—he meets sin head-on and strains under its strength.”

Are you living in ignorance as to your own heart? “Most would rather give in to sin than go through the painful work of picking up a cross and nailing their flesh to it.”

The better you know your sin and the extent you hate it? That’s the extent (and no farther!) you will “grasp for grace against it.”

“Never think for a minute that the war against sin is over in this life.”

“If you violently war against your flesh, you’ll win ground. It will grow weak and you’ll grow in grace into the image of Christ.”

“When God’s grace changes our nature, it doesn’t change the nature of the flesh. It conquers it, weakens it, mortally wounds it, so that we are no longer Captain Ahabs by nature; yet his defiant malice smolders in our flesh.”

“Which is easier: to sit with a bucket of butter-soaked popcorn and watch Tom Cruise on the big screen for two hours, or kneel and pray for five minutes? Hands down because there is literally no competition. What the flesh hates is God, so it resists anything that smacks of God—especially communion with him.”

Yet again, I have been incredibly helped (and challenged!) by the wise writings of Jill Carattini at Ravi Zacharias Ministries. Last month she wrote an essay on “vital signs” – and I URGE you to read it on this very Sabbath day.

I could tempt you with line after line, but I’ll just share with you her closing paragraph:

"There is life to be found even in gauges we’d rather ignore. He who made us has given us vital signs of his presence, gauges that point us to life. Empty tank or tormented conscience, might it drive us into the arms of God."

As a woman who has been struggling under the crushing weight of a tormented conscience and lasting unrest, I can testify that this essay is worth the read.

May our desperation drive us to Christ!

Thank You, God, that You are a forgiving, merciful God.
Amen & Amen

I recently heard from Emily in a comment on my previous post ("Good Point!") and thought that you all might enjoy reading our exchange too.

From Emily:

"It’s me again! This entry hit home for me this morning. I am struggling with a person in exactly the same way–and this person is NOT someone whom I can avoid. Argh. It is a daily battle for me to think kind thoughts toward this person, and to pray blessings on this person. I actually find myself wanting God to mete out justice, and punish this person! My heart is so deceitful. Right now, I keep asking God, “Do I have to enjoy this person? Is it okay for me to just peacefully co-exist?” I know the answer is, “Emily, I want you to love her. Not with your love, but with mine.” And right now, the part of my heart that could house HIS love for this person is too full of MY bitterness and anger. There’s no room for His love because my big, fat idols are crowding it up! I want to see her as God sees her. But if I do that, I will have to let go of my anger toward her–which is her punishment. I feel like continuing to forgive her (over and over and over...) is like “letting her off the hook.” Extending mercy and grace to her seems so unfair in my twisted, sinful heart. Oh, to be like Jesus.....

And my reply ...

Hi Emily! Great to hear from you as always.

SO sorry to hear that you are struggling in this relationship. Obviously, I really can relate.



I was encouraged and helped by your reminder about the "daily battle to think kind thoughts toward this person." And also by your struggle with wanting justice.

I know what it’s like to actually have such (horribly wicked!) thoughts as wishing ill on a person–even a brother in Christ!!–and wanting them to SUFFER. O, God, have mercy on my faithless, graceless, and proud heart!

One thing I’ve been thinking about since I read your comment is how if God gave ME what I deserve (for all of my sins, but in particular for my vindictive meanness toward this person), I would be lost. Damned. Forever.

But instead He gives me mercy and grace.

You know, when I look at the person who WRONGED ME, I want JUSTICE.
But when I look at MY sins, I want MERCY.

It’s so clear ... I am the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18! I forget that I have been forgiven a debt that 10,000 lifetimes of work could NEVER repay. And yet I am still sorely tempted to hold this person’s sins against him.

UGH!!!!

Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God–for CHRIST.

For this all leads us to your other (insightful) comment about whether we can just coexist and “survive” or whether we REALLY have to actually LOVE this person.

Honestly? We ARE called to LOVE. But isn’t that really, really hard. Actually impossible?
That’s why it drives us to Christ.

The “health & wealth” false prophets would never call us to persevere in doing good to people who wrong us, would they? “God wants you to be HAPPY” they would say. “Set boundaries that take care of YOU.” "Don’t let that dysfunctional person drag you down."

BUT ... Jesus says ... lay down your life. Die to self. Pick up your cross. BE LIKE ME.

Oh–and I will give you the grace to do so.
In fact, I am the One Who SANCTIFIES YOU and CONFORMS YOU TO ME.
Why?
For My glory. And your (ultimate!) good.

Dear Emily, God must really love you to give you such a painful relationship to winnow your heart and bring You to Him.
(And He must love me too–for I’m dreading some relationships even as I type this and try to remember the gospel.)

Boy it sure is HARD!
But God is SO good.

Remember–you are not alone!
God is with you and He loves you–even when you (just like me!) are at your most bitter, most vindictive, most prideful WORST.

God loves you because of JESUS.
And lots of others love you too.

I prayed for you today and I am sending you my love–

Your friend,
Tara B.

This week, as I was checking my boss and me into our hotel, I had the strangest déjà vu experience. It was like I was back in 2000 checking my (then) boss and me into our hotel … and the same stupid thing happened: The hotel got pretty much everything wrong with the reservation.

(We were supposed to have club level king non-smoking rooms and we were being put into rooms with double beds and they even tried to foist SMOKING rooms on us! We were supposed to be able to check-in at 4:00 and it was already 6:30 and we were being told that our rooms wouldn’t be available for another hour. Etc. Etc.)

Typical business traveler situation—no biggie.
BUT I FREAKED OUT. (Just like I did in 2000.)

(Oh man! I thought I was growing and maturing a bit. What is UP with me anyway?!?)

It’s was like a total FLASHBACK in time.
I was frustrated and upset. I wasn’t grateful. I was neither pleasant nor kind … and I certainly wasn’t patient.

Why? Why why o! why did I respond this way?
(Sin & unbelief, of course. But what did that sin and unbelief look like specifically?)

Well … I was responsible for making the reservation.
And I had done EVERYTHING RIGHT!
(I had made the reservation; confirmed the details in an email; even CALLED the hotel to make sure that everything was exactly as the reservation email said.)

AND IT WASN’T ENOUGH.
We were still stuck standing there at the check-in counter with no rooms at all for another hour and no (club level king non-smoking) rooms AT ALL.

And it that moment, it was like my head started spinning and spinning. Everything rushed in quickly and I couldn’t get on top of it all.
I couldn’t fix it.
People were counting on me and I had let them down.
I had failed my bosses at the ONE (stupid, tiny, simple) little thing they had asked me to do.

Wow! What a “button” this is for me: To try my very best, work as hard as I can, do everything “right” and STILL have things not work out.
Fear floods my system!
And instead of saying, “This makes me sad,” or, “I’m afraid that I’m failing you” … I FREAK OUT.

You know, I really need to go on “high alert” about this issue and recognize it as an area / situation when I am INCREDIBLY prone to sin … and then I need to take careful steps to ensure that instead of responding according to my flesh, I respond in faith. I am called, in that very moment, to remember the gospel; to remember Who God is and all He has done for me in Christ; how He is sovereign even over that situation; how nothing matters in that moment other than love for God and love for neighbor; and how I’m just going to end up REGRETTING IT if I freak out (even if it’s just internally) and get upset over something that I have neither the power nor the authority to fix.

Hmmmmmmmmmm …. Wish I had remembered all that Wednesday night! J

Thinking back on all of this, I’m incredibly grateful for God’s forgiveness. And for the forgiveness of my boss this week. And for the hope that maybe one day my old/former boss will really forgive me and actually give me the grace to grow and change. (His actions still categorize me in the “that’s the way Tara is and she’s never going to change” box—so he keeps me at arm’s length from opportunities to serve. It makes me very sad—but what can you do? I still hold out the hope that maybe one day, the love that is actually pure grace will cover my failures and sins in his eyes. But if not, that’s OK too.)

You know, I cringe as I reflect on this situation.
I really am reminded again how there are so many times that I do not like who I am. At all.

BUT, I am comforted in laying hold of the Truth of Scripture that God’s love and kindness toward me is not based on my performance. If it were, we would all be condemned. FOREVER.

But Titus 3 reminds us that WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS (foolish, deceived, enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures, living in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another), the kindness and love of God appeared! AND HE SAVED US. Not because of righteous things we had done—but because of HIS MERCY.

This is my Hope!
And I pray this Hope for you all too.

G’nite, friends!
I’m finally home after three flights and a HUGE delay in MSP.

But God is good!
And I send you my love.

Your friend,
Tara B.

I’m reading an amazing new book (that I highly recommend! hopefully Fred will add it to my list of “Recommended Books” just as soon as Amazon starts carrying it): How People Change, by Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp.

(Yes, yes another Paul Tripp book. I know! I know! I keep recommending these astoundingly biblical and practical CCEF authors and I keep selling hundreds of their books. Simply said, I really do think that they are writing some of the best resources out there these days.)

The first chapter is entitled, "The Gospel Gap" and I’ve had to slow down and read it carefully with a pen in hand. Like any of the great Puritan books (which my brain still has a hard time getting all the way through!), there are nuggets of wisdom and God-centered help in every single paragraph.

(Man! I am a blessed woman to be able to read. Looking back on 20+ years of being a Christian now, I can honestly say that a TON of my growth in sanctification and grace has been through authors who point me to Christ and get me into Scripture. What a gift.)

Anyway ... I’m trusting that if I have any blogs to share with you in the coming days and weeks, this book will be influencing them. (So thanks in advance profs. Lane & Tripp!)

Here my first observation based on Chapter 1, The Gospel Gap ...

Symptoms of the “gospel gap” include:

- A trail of broken relationships
- A knowledgeable but impersonal walk with God
- A struggle with material things; and
- A definite lack of personal growth.

In short ... "Their lives are not characterized by peaceful, loving relationships, a sweet, natural, day-by-day worship of the Lord, a wholesome and balanced relationship to material things, and ongoing spiritual growth. Something is wrong with this harvest; it contradicts the faith that is supposed to be its source."

Of course, I’m convicted in the truest, most lovingly God-exalting (right!) sense of the word ... convicted = godly sorrow that leads to repentance that brings salvation.

How often my life contradicts the very faith that it is supposed to be its source! My struggles with "peace with food" are a huge evidence of this. It’s good to be back in the battle again.

How grateful I am for the mercy of God and the forgiveness I have in Christ!

(And how grateful I am for authors such as these men who point us all to faith in the living, redeeming, Triune God.)

I’m pretty sure it was Luther who said something to the effect of:

"I didn’t learn my theology all at once, but where my temptations took me."

Man! Isn’t that the truth.

I’m watching this battle daily now as I parent Sophia ...

I give her a command, “Sophia, come here please.” And she is just now figuring out and being able to articulate that, in that moment, she really doesn’t want to obey me. She’d much rather keep doing her puzzle or playing with her trains.

And so it begins ...

I watch her and pray for her and discipline her and love her ... and the whole time I think, “I am just like you.”

So often, I don’t want to obey.
I want to do what I want to do.
I don’t want to submit.

And yet ... and yet ...
It is good to obey.
There are blessings that come in obedience.
The temporary pleasure of sin will not ultimately satisfy.

God is good!
And He gives us more grace.
(Theology 101. We never move beyond it.)

How grateful I am to be a Christian mother!
To share with my dear little girl that we are both desperate for Christ–totally dependent on His mercies; absolutely needing The Cross.

And He gives us more grace.
He gives us Himself!

Amen & Amen
Thank You, God!

Oh man! Are there any scarier words that point out our SIN and FALLENNESS than to hear our two year-old start out a sentence with, "When I’m a Mommy ..." ??!!

It happened to me again yesterday. I was sitting there drinking a soda (a huge temptation for me!) and Sophie said,

"When I’m grown up, I’ll drink soda."

“No, no. Of course not, Sophie. Soda is bad for you. It rots your teeth and hurts your bones and has no redemptive or good qualities. Don’t ever drink soda.”

“When I’m older, Momma. When I grow up. Then I’ll drink soda.”

“No, Sophie. Really. Soda is gross. It’s bad for you. Mommy wants to stop drinking soda entirely. Please pray for her to stop.”

“When I’m a MOMMA, then I’ll drink soda.”

Oh man.
Oh man.

Talk about your chickens coming home to roost. (Do chickens roost? Or is it just some generic bird?)

Soda is bad? Of course.
But this isn’t ANY WHERE NEAR to the worst of it.

What about my selfishness, self-absorption, meanness, unbelief, lack of faith?
Oh, God have mercy!

I was so beaten down thinking about all this as Fred and I read our bibles this morning and Sophie played at our feet singing her, “Everybody’s reading bibles” song (and “reading” her bible to our Golden Retriever), I just cried. I was tempted to even doubt my salvation! "How can a Christian be SO messed up?" I asked my hubby.

And then Fred reminded me that we are all a mess; that the Christian life is all about repentance; that if Sophia loves the Lord as she grows it will ONLY be because of Christ at work in her heart; and that God’s glory is shown in his mercy to His children.

Then Fred quoted to me what I had JUST READ in our devotions ...

"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. (1 Timothy 1:15-16)"

Eternal patience. That’s what I need!

Thank You, God, for not loving me based on me.
Thank You for growing and changing and sanctifying me.
Thank You for eternal patience. Perfect patience.

Amen and amen.
Hopeful again as I head into my day on this Thursday morning.

Joy to you all–
t

Another AMAZING point that the speaker made last night had to do with the nature of SIN.

She mentioned how she had actually felt the “lump” or “ridge” in her breast for weeks before she did anything about it.

She told herself: “It’s just tissue.” "It’s just cystic."

But of course it was the most aggressive, deadly breast cancer known to Man. Left untreated it would kill her for sure.

She (again) regaled us as she described her tendency to minimize her sin: “I guess I have some issues with anger management.” And to make excuses and shift blame: “Yes, I raised my voice to you and I probably shouldn’t have–but it WAS the THIRD TIME you asked me that EXACT SAME QUESTION!!!”

(Again! Oh, how I could relate.)

But then she took us to Scripture
and she showed us how God’s Word clearly says that sin is NOT to be trifled with.

She reminded us that sin leads to DEATH
and left untreated, our sin will kill us.

We can ignore it
minimize it
rationalize it
call it something “nicer”

But our sin is an enemy that seeks to DESTROY US.
Our Old Man is SET AGAINST GOD.

Our sin hates God.
And left untreated it will kill us.

Oh! What a call to engage in faith’s fight against sin–
To remember the Truth of the Gospel that we are NO LONGER SLAVES TO SIN.
To get help to engage in the battle!

To believe the Word of God more than our feelings or the lies that tempt us.

(I did a previous post on CHERISHED SINS where I quoted Pastor John Piper: “The attempt to find happiness in life by pinning your hope on something other than obedience to Jesus is like a lamb trying to satisfy its thirst at the nipple of a mother wolf. The source of your brief satisfaction will eat you for supper when evening comes.” SO TRUE! SO TRUE!)

How I pray that even this very day we will HATE OUR SIN and LOVE GOD.
(I’m ashamed to confess how much I love my sin sometimes. Such immaturity and faithlessness in me!)

And that we will remember that God’s love is toward His children and HE is changing us.
Amen! Amen!

Yours in the battle,
Tara B.

I was reviewing my pastor (Alfred Poirier’s) teaching on the “three trees” and I was reminded of an important point when we are striving to lay hold of Christ especially regarding our besetting sins and habitual, ruling lusts ...

Pastor Alfred (www.RMCCMontana.org) reminded us to look for themes ... when you don’t get what you want, how do you typically respond?

When things don’t go our way, do we become prayer-less and praise-less people?

(Oh! I was SO convicted by this Sunday School class!! And I’ve heard and taught this teaching myself at least 100 times!! But we are a desperate lot, aren’t we?)

And so I ask you (as I ask myself of course!) ... what are the themes in your life? What are your thoughts? What is ruling your heart?

(Desire? Hatred? Fear of Man? Pride? Shame? Selfishness and Greed – this is big for me. As I always say when I teach on idolatry, all too often, “I want what I want when I want it and in the way that I want it!” Ugh! It’s SO TRUE.

How I pray that we will ALL be fully persuaded that God has power to do what He has promised! And we can confidently and assuredly set our eyes and hearts and hopes on Him – our Great Victor and Savior! – for not even our sin and unbelief can thwart God’s perfect plan for His covenant children.

We don’t just believe in God. We believe in a resurrection God! (Remembering that God is a resurrecting God reminds us of that particular quality He has that equals POWER!!! Life-giving, death-defying, eternity-assuring POWER.)

Though it is true that we will die ... for until the Lord returns, in this life? Things get really bad and then you die.

BUT ...
!!
BUT ...
!!

But in the grave, the stone WILL be rolled away ... and God will say, “Great! Now I’ll work.” (For only God can raise the dead.)

Amen and amen.

Not my strength. (I am weak.)
Not my power. (Really, really weak.)
But by YOUR Spirit! (This truly is my prayer.)

Amen and amen.

You know ... one of the recurring temptations in my life ... one of the snares I struggle with on a daily basis is this:

"I deserve this."

I know it sounds so stupid when I say it out loud like this (or write it on a blog!) ... but the truth is, when I am tempted to sin and when I give in to temptation, I am telling myself a lie and then I am believing the lie.

"I need this."

(When all I need – NEED – is Christ. Of course. But OHHHHHHH – when I’m in the midst of the battle ... it’s just so hard to remember and believe the TRUTH.)

Dear God, please help me to worship YOU.
Not myself.
Not rest, “escape,” food, “my time.”

But to worship YOU and YOU ALONE.
For You alone deserve my adoration.

Please forgive my unbelief and turn my heart to YOU.
Amen and amen.

God was (as always!) gracious to me yet again in my struggle with the sin of bitterness. He began to soften my heart last Friday as I held my flu-stricken toddler and listened to her “Word & Song” Bible on CD. Even such a simple translation of Matthew 7 cut me to the quick.

- Who am I to judge? ("You hypocrite, Tara!")
- With the measure I judge, I will be judged. (Reminded me of my pastor’s counsel ... “If I live by justice I will die by justice. But if I want to die by MERCY? Well, then, the outworking of the gospel in my life causes me to live by mercy too.” This, of course, is a miracle of grace.)

And then my beloved, wonderful husband prayed with me, talked with me, and counseled with me for hours ... he has such a wise and gracious perspective on all of life. His simple words cut me, balmed me, and led me. I am so grateful for him!

And then the Sabbath. Thank God for the Sabbath! Thank God for the Church. Nothing like gathering with the saints to learn, study, pray, and worship together. (Plus it was communion Sunday for us so I was doubly blessed!)

I was encouraged in so many ways, but particularly so in this one ...

In my pastor’s teaching on the “three trees” (do you know this teaching?), I realized that my habitual response to any (and every) situation is to interpret the facts in the way that is MOST hurtful and MOST condemning to ME.

And it was so obvious as soon as I saw it and articulated it ... Such a response is NOT Christianly! It just isn’t. It certainly isn’t how I would want Sophia to live and think. And it does not reflect biblical truth.

So, of course, I was called to repent.

How grateful I am for the gift of repentance and faith. Assurance. Adoption. Mercy. Grace.

Of course I’d love any other counsel that someone would like to share! (I can take all the help I can get.)

But for now, I must head to bed ... the flu has stricken us all down over the course of the last week and tomorrow is my last day home before I travel out of state again to teach.

What a gift to prepare for this teaching with a heart of repentance rather than sinful bitterness, unbelief, and self-condemnation. Thank You, God!

G'nite!
Love,
t

Today I posted the very first message to the Peacemaker Ministries “Women” Message Board. (This is a new feature of the Peacemaker Ministries website – thanks to cutie bear webmaster & hubby extraordinaire Fred!)

I thought you might also enjoy reading it (plus I’d love your counsel too of course!) ... so here it is ...

—

Help for Bitterness?

Today I was somberly reflecting on the lives of two women I love dearly. Both have been hurt terribly in their lives – and although I do not presume to know their hearts, it seems that based on their words and actions, they both demonstrate lasting bitterness.

(For example, they are quick to retell offenses from years–even decades–ago, all with explicit detail and raw emotion. Rather than demonstrating gratitude for their many blessings in life, they tend to fixate on the painful, humiliating, and hurtful memories. Instead of looking for that which is, “lovely and noble,” in the people who have hurt them, they often “demonize” them and look at them as one-dimensional “bad” people.)

So why do I write this post and ask for help for bitterness? It’s not for them. It’s for me.

You see – as my heart has been burdened for these wonderful, broken, women – I have also been sorely convicted that I am much more like them than unlike them ...

- Prone to ingratitude
- Quick to judge and condemn
- Too often burdened by crushing sorrow and poisoned by sinful bitterness

Do you have any counsel for me? (And for these two lovely ladies too.)

What Scriptures do you turn to when you are tempted to sin like this? How does the gospel of grace comfort you, turn you to Jesus and away from yourself, and remind you of your True Home in eternity to come?

Thanks in advance for your wisdom and counsel!

Falling apart at the seams but resting in God’s grace –

Your sister in Christ,
Tara Barthel

So I think I may be struggling with bitterness. Again.

(AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH! Will I never get over this?????)

I’m pretty sure that I am judgmental
ungrateful
and grace-less toward a person who has hurt me tremendously.

(AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH! My wretched heart!!)

It’s like there is this rotting, moldy ICK inside of me.
The ramifications are nasty.
I don’t like who I am or who I am becoming.

O, Lord! Please have mercy on your daughter.
Forgive me my sins, I pray.
And grant me a new heart. A clean heart.
For your glory!
For your Kingdom!
Please make me more like You, I pray.
Amen and Amen.

So ... this person has rejected me.
I reject her.
She sees my weaknesses, failures, and sins in living color.
And I, hers.
She should be GRATEFUL for everything I’ve done for her.
Where is my gratitude for all she’s done for me?

(Truth be told, it’s hard to even come up with anything good, noble, pure, lovely about her. I am SO tempted to make her into this monster in my heart and mind. An enemy. Put out. Not welcome. Stay away!! O, my sin. My sin is great. Forgive me, God, I pray.)

COULD I have a charitable heart toward this person?
Really?
Could I forgive her all her sins against me?
Could I ever really, truly CARE about her?
Want the best for her?
NOT hate her? Not reject her? Not despise her and wish her ill?

OF COURSE!

For God has promised in His Word to give me a way OUT of my sin. (And such vengeance and harsh judgment is surely sin.)

And He always gives me everything I need for life and godliness. (So HE will do this work in me. He will give me grace to give grace.)

It’s just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard!
It is just so terribly, terribly hard.

I’m convicted by my own words – how I start every women’s retreat by stating that, in general, we give grace to others to the extent we ourselves experience grace.

And my dry, cruel heart is graceless.
I am neither remembering nor applying God’s great and precious promises to ME.

So of course I have nothing to offer to this person. Well, nothing good. Nothing grace-full.

Please, God, change my heart from unbelief to faith in YOU!
Give me the grace to believe you, I pray.
Amen and Amen.

(If you haven’t yet seen the Narnia movie and don’t want to know about any details in advance, please skip this blog! )

So last night my friend and I left the kids with the dads and went to see The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. What a wonderful, wonderful movie!

Initially, I wasn’t that excited to see it. I mean, of course I wanted to see it – but I had a tiny bit of “it’s going to be another Lord of the Rings epic, science-fiction, I’m the only one in this theater bored out of my skull” fear too. PLUS, the 7:00 show was sold out, so we had to go at 8:00 – and I’m usually quite ready for bed by 10:30 or so, so I wondered if I could stay awake.

Yeah, right.

I was enthralled the entire time! It was wonderful – full of wonder.

I won’t bore you by rehashing all of my favorite parts ("The name’s Phillip!") ... but I woke up this morning thinking about tiny (sweet!) little Lucy, so resolute, so committed, so absolutely serious as she unsheathed her 3-inch-long-knife in front of the massive, resurrected Aslan, ready to join the horrible battle and come to her brother’s side ...

"We must help him!"

Oh, Lucy.

Don’t you see the disgusting monsters? One-eyed, vile, wicked, despicable, strong creatures from the utter darkness of nightmares and Hell itself?

(Oh, Tara. Don’t you see your sin?)

Sweet Lucy ... don’t you see the utter futility of your slender arms and tiny sword?

(Dearest Tara ... don’t you see that your strength is weakness?)

Queen Lucy ... look at Aslan! Look at Aslan! His resources are sufficient and the battle already is won.

(It is finished, Tara. It is finished.)

***

PS
Other misc. movie thoughts ...

- I never would’ve thought that a CGI animatronics lion’s eyes could make me cry.

- Did anyone else see the look on the White Witch’s face right before she died? Like she saw Aslan’s goodness and compassion and presumed that He would not destroy her. Right before she died. Right before He killed her forever.

You know ... I really don’t want to die apart from Christ. I really don’t want to go to Hell. So why do I continue in my sin???!!!

In my Bible study this morning, my Reformation/ESV study notes reminded me that my election is confirmed by my fruit. But I sure don’t feel like my fruit is where it should be. I feel like my sword is three inches long and my enemies (within!) are monstrously huge.

Guess that’s why I need a Savior. The Savior. Amen.

So I’ve discovered some wonderful websites and blogs in the last few weeks. The writers are encouraging, real, and God-glorifying. I’ve been blessed!

But I’m also embarrassed – at myself. It just seems like these women are so happy – and I struggle so much just to make it through my day. I mentioned this to Fred last night and he said that he has been praying for joy for me. (What a love!) I’m grateful (of course), but ashamed at myself too.

What am I not more joyful? Happy? Enthused?

Unbelief? Sin? Lack of faith? Probably. Yes, more than likely.
Ingratitude? Envy? Covetousness? Vengeance? Could be.
Love of the world? Hatred of self? Unbiblical, ungodly thinking? No doubt.

And so I’m tempted to make some resolutions ...
- More Bible study, prayer, worship
- Less junk food and television, more exercising
- More hard work, discipline, service, and giving
- Memorize Scripture, stop believing lies, love more, hate less

If only I can get it together. If only I can stop doing bad things and start doing good things. Maybe January 1, 2006 will be the day that I believe TRUTH and stop telling myself LIES.

If only.
If only.

Every year around this time, I re-listen to a sermon by my pastor, Alfred Poirier. It is called Are You Desperate for a Savior? and it is the anti-New-Year-Resolutions sermon.

Guess it’s time to break out the ol' tape and listen again, eh?

As I was teaching at a women’s retreat this past weekend, I shared that I often struggle with sloth. The women laughed – probably because it can so easily seem that I am an efficient and productive person – and then I made the offhand comment that many busy people are prone to sloth.

It’s true! I see this in my own life and others have affirmed my gut instinct that so often we work really hard for a short period of time so that we can lazily indulge in unproductive, if not outright sinful, pastimes.

(Please note that I am not talking about God-glorifying rest. We all need to rest and recuperate. Relaxation, time with family and friends, pleasure, enjoyment–these are lovely, beautiful, God-honoring aspects of a Believer’s life. No, what I’m talking about is the insidious, self-indulgent, even wicked pastimes that we hide by being so “godly” and “efficient” the rest of our days.)

For example ... If I run around at 110 mph and crank out a BUNCH of work in a two-hour window and then enjoy a sweet nap or walk or a few pages of an interesting book ... praise the Lord! But what if I work hard to accomplish those tasks for the express purpose of later having time to laze around and watch mindless television while overindulging in (fill in the blank with your pet sin): food, alcohol, internet surfing to sites we would be embarrassed to have our children (or pastor!) find on our computer, shopping for worthless indulgences, etc. etc. etc.

Do you see how then our busy-ness can hide our sloth? Our sin?

Well, it can seem to hide our darkness ... but of course as Believers we know that everything is light in the Lord! There is nothing that can be hidden from Him.

Thank God He is also merciful as well as just!

This past weekend, I was reading John Piper’s wonderful book Don’t Waste Your Life. As I worked through the introduction, I journaled this:

“I do “so much”—but really, I do a LOT really quickly so that I can indulge myself. Rest, tv, food. I need to “get my stuff done” so that I can then hide away.

Please forgive me Jesus.
I have one life. I was made for YOU. Please don’t let me waste this life, Jesus.

Matthew 4 …
Stop trying to live on bread, Tara! Only living on every word that comes from the mouth of God is REAL LIVING. Everything else is a guilt-ridden burdened façade of ultimate despair.
Don’t put God to the test! You are playing with fire.
Run! Run! Run away from sin! Flee temptation!
Listen to the counsel you give Sophie.
Eat the food you feed your daughter.
Pray as you wish she would pray one day.

Worship the Lord your God and serve HIM only.

Yes, yes, you have been living for YOU. Even your Christian life is a lie. But it is also THE TRUTH.

You are a liar.
Manipulator.
Failure.

But you are loved.
Huh??

You, Tara, are loved.

But I don’t deserve it.
Absolutely. You don’t.

But but but …

Stop doubting and believe.
Believe!
Believe!

*

Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is near!

Repent so that God will love me?
NO.
Repent BECAUSE God loves me.
Ahhh … now we’re in the realm of the gospel.

Come follow me and YOU will become fishers of men?
NOPE. Come follow me and I will make you fishers of men.

Only one life,
‘Twil soon be past;
Only what’s done
For Christ will last.

*

Long my search has been in vain.
Now I must begin again.

O God, I do repent.
Please God lead me in repentance.
O God, I do believe.
Please, Jesus, help my unbelief. Deliver me from myself. My doubts and fears and longings. Please change me from the deceived and clouded woman I am to a woman of faith and maturity.

May I begin again. This moment. This day.
Please help me Jesus!
Please, God, please have mercy on me and help me.

***

O God, my Rock and my Redeemer. I am desperate for you. Desperate. A mess. A big honk of messed up Tara. Please forgive me and change me. Amen and amen.

Dr. Fuller “the Unity of the Bible”: God ordained a redemptive history whose sequence fully displays his glory so that, at the end, the greatest possible number of people would have had the historical antecedents necessary to engender [the most] fervent love for God … “

Please, God, give me a new heart that DELIGHTS in YOU with ALL MY HEART all for YOUR GLORY!!

Please make my passion YOUR passion.

Please change my heart. Please change what I delight in. Please change my passions. Thinking. Desiring, Believing.

Please don’t let me make peace with sin and go to hell (Matthew 5:29).

Please make me happy in You, God, for this will show you more glorious than all other sources of happiness!

Jonathan Edwards: The godly are designed for unknown and inconceivable happiness.

It is a lethal distraction to make myself the object of my highest affections. I was made to see and savor GOD—and savoring Him to be supremely satisfied, and thus spread in all the world the worth of his presence."

Thank God for repentance!
Thank God for His mercies!

I was tremendously blessed, yet again, by a “Slice of Infinity” (Ravi Zacharias Ministries' ezine) written by the amazingly gifted Jill Carattini. I urge you to read her essay and sign up today to receive this daily devotional. It’s the one email devotional I read every day!

Read Jill’s essay here: Why am I the Way I Am?

Picture your most cherished sin.

(Come on–admit it. When do you say, “I know it’s wrong but I don’t care. I’m going to do it anyway. I’ll repent later. God will forgive me. It’s not that bad.”)

Now picture this sermon illustration from Pastor John Piper:

“The attempt to find happiness in life by pinning your hope on something other than obedience to Jesus is like a lamb trying to satisfy its thirst at the nipple of a mother wolf. The source of your brief satisfaction will eat you for supper when evening comes.”

What sins are “eating you for supper?”

I am so convicted by this sermon (The Spirit is Upon Him Gentle for Now). I am in need of repentance–true repentance that is evidenced by my deeds.

Please, God, help me to turn away from the deception of sin.
Help me to repent.
Deliver me from the ravenous wolf inside my own heart.
And lead me to You–the source of all joy.

Amen.

Last night I had to have a serious talk with my husband, Fred. I had known for a long time that I needed to confess some things to him–but I was dreading it and didn’t want to face up to the blackness of my wicked heart. So I avoided the conversation and grew more burdened and depressed with each passing day.

I had a hard time worshipping God. My time in the Word grew shorter and shorter. I felt disconnected from my husband and friends. (Wonder why?!) And I was just basically in the pit. Sad, dark, weary, lonely pit.

Thank God!

“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.” Psalm 32:3-4

How grateful I am that God loves me so much that He makes me miserable! Otherwise, how would I ever repent?

So, yes, I told Fred. I confessed to him my sins. (Oh! I am still so embarrassed by them.) They had to do with a commitment we had made (we called it “boot camp”) to work on some spiritual and physical disciplines. (I continue to struggle!!) Anyway, “the deal” was that we had both carrots and sticks (rewards and punishments/consequences) if we did or did not honor our commitments. And I had to confess to Fred that I had not kept all of my commitments, and worse, I had not been completely honest with him at the time.

Of course! Of course! The dishonesty was the blow. That’s just not how we related with one another. Honesty and integrity go to the heartbeat of our marriage vows and our friendship. And I had violated his trust.

I felt so hopeless! So worthless! How could I have done this to my best friend? My beloved?

It was a hard, difficult, embarrassing conversation as I confessed my sins. But thankfully, God is gracious to both Fred and me and He gave Fred the grace to readily and lovingly forgive me. Not because I deserved his forgivenss. But, as Fred said, because he had been forgiven so much in Christ, that was why he forgave me too.

Thank God for forgiveness.

I said, “Won’t you not trust me any more?”
“Of course not. Of course I’ll trust you.”

“But I don’t deserve your trust!”
“We all receive lots of things we don’t deserve.”

I cried out, “Don’t you just hate me?”
“No way! Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Why? Why? Why?”
“Because I have forgiven you. It’s done. It’s covered. It’s over. I love you. Let’s move on.”

Thank God for forgiveness. Unearned. Unearnable. Lavish. Grace grace grace.

“Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD”—and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah

Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!” Psalm 32

The other day I received an email from a dear woman. A portion of the message said this:

“I just received your book in today’s mail. THANK YOU for including in the Introduction some personal information about your own journey with the Lord in the area of peacemaking. As always, personal, honest testimonies always give credibility to everything else the author writes. Thank you for also reminding me and all your readers that ”we are ambassadors of God’s peace . . . when we count others as better than ourselves". My Lord knew that I had to hear that humbling truth today. God forbid that I should ever think that this is an option!"

Why did I wake up this morning thinking of these sweet and encouraging words?
Why do I keep rereading them myself?

Because I have some guests staying with me – family members – and even with all of the super fun, very nice times. Man! Having guests stay for ten days (compounded by two mediations with out of state clients, compounded by Sophia and I both being sick. Again. compounded by deadlines and stresses – and notice how I haven’t even mentioned the growing cloud of dust & Golden Retriever hair that is slowly taking over our home?) ...

Well! It’s all enough to set my sanctification back. A lot.

(Nothing like a little “squeezin' the ol' ketchup bottle of my heart” to splat out some seriously ugly mess.)

There’s no excuse, of course. No situation in life that “causes” me to sin. It’s just my heart. I am tempted all the time to forget that I am an ambassador of God’s ministry of reconciliation. Of course I am tempted to think of myself as better than others! I am impatient. Testy. Rude. I want everyone around me to take care of everything for me. Perfectly. When I don’t get what I want, when I want it, in the exact way I want it, I am tempted to take a victim/martyr role and/or a judgmental/annoyed/critical role.

Aaaaaaauuuuuuuggggghhh!

Who shall rescue me from this body of death?

Thank God for friends who remind me of my own very words and point me to the Cross. Thank God that when Jesus saved me, He didn’t merely save me from Hell in eternity to come. He delivered me from the sinful, fallen darkness of my very own heart.

For were this not true, what hope would I have?

“On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Mark 2:17



(Note the sparkly golden shoes!)

Tonight Fred and I were talking (again) about my struggle to forgive some people who have hurt me.

At one point during the conversation, I asked him, “But if I forgive them, then won’t I be giving up the one thing I have on them?” "What do you mean?" Fred asked. "Well, I can’t hurt them like they’ve hurt me or restore what was taken from me (I don’t have the power, resources, or authority to do so). I can’t make them understand the depth of suffering they’ve caused me and cause them to grow in compassion and love. I can’t force them to change or grow or help me during my times of desperate need.

The one thing I have on them is this ... I can withhold myself from them." That’s it – that’s my ace in the hole, my one card to play.

So I continued, “And if I truly forgive them and allow them to enter into my life and heart again ... allow myself to have real relationship with them ... pray for God’s blessings on them ... then what do I have?”

And Fred, my wise, compassionate, gracious, loving husband (whose birthday is today!) replied, “Tara, then you will be living out the grace you have lavishly received and giving that grace to them. You will be praying for those who mistreat you. You will have the blessings of obedience.”

May God grant me the grace to obey all His commands!

“As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.” He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” Luke 11:27-28

Last week my dear friend, a devoted atheist/anarchist, told me that recently he had a strange dream involving horrifying demons trying to drag him to Hell. He remembers thinking (in the dream), “I should pray!” But then he remembered, “But I don’t believe in God. I have no one to help me.”

What a terrifying realization. No one to pray to. No one to help me. No hope.

I think it was an essay by C.S. Lewis that I read back in college where he wrote about how even the most devoted Believer, at times, struggles with thoughts such as, “Is there even a God?” And likewise, even the most devoted atheist, at times, looks at a majestic sunset and thinks, “There must be a God.”

May the Lord open the eyes of our hearts to believe that He is the One, True God!

“Praise the LORD, O my soul. O LORD my God, you are very great; you are clothed with splendor and majesty.” Psalm 104:1

Yesterday, Sophia Grace (my sixteen month old) learned the word, “Mine!” So now I have front row seats to a dramatic, live production of James 4, verses 1-3: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something and do not get it. So you kill and you covet because you do not get what you want.”

In this passage, James reminds us that, so often, when our desires (even good desires) are elevated to demands, and our demands are not met, we will often punish the people in our lives. In effect, we sacrifice them on the altar of our idols.

What is an idol?
Is it a gold statue we put on an altar, surround with candles, and pray to? Sometimes.

But more often, especially for Christians, an idol is something or someone we worship other than God.

In her book, The Young Peacemaker, Corlette Sande wonderfully helps children to learn about these “desires elevated to demands” by calling them Monster Wants. “Gimmee!” "Mine!" “Let go!” "Mommmmmmeeeeee!!" All evidences of idolatrous Monster Wants.

But what about for us grownups?

I believe it was Elyse Fitzpatrick who wrote something to the effect that an idol is something that we will sin to get or sin if we do not get it."

My pastor often reminds us that if we don’t want to give up a certain pleasure, we probably should give it up because that’s what temptation feels like. (I.e., if I’m not tempted to greedily hang onto it and clench it to myself, than big deal! No problem “repenting” of it or turning away. But what about that wonderful, satisfying, comforting pleasure? Will I give that up? Usually not too readily.)

I am praying every day that Sophia will love God more than anything or anyone else in her life. I am praying that she would worship the One True God–not idols. Only the Gospel will displace the idols in her life. Only the Gospel will displace the idols in my life too.

Dear God, please soften my heart and reveal Yourself to me so that I will worship You and You alone. For You alone are worthy of my worship. Every other pleasure is fleeting at best. But You are eternal! Have mercy on Your beloved children, I pray.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how hard it is to give grace to people, especially Christians, who hurt us. I see this in my own heart and it (rightfully) shames me.

Why is it that I can share the gospel of grace with unbelievers, with family members who hurt and reject me for decades, and with strangers ... but when it comes to that sister in Christ, or that pastor—the one who has hurt me and “repented,” but our relationship is still strained ... why do I struggle to live grace, acceptance, genuine kindness, mercy, and love to them?

-Is it because I want them to hurt like they’ve hurt me?
-Am I waiting for a “better” confession? A more sincere (in my eyes) evidence of repentance?
-Do I think they "just don’t get it"—and until they do (i.e., until they really understand just how much they’ve hurt me!), I am going to sinfully withhold my love and the ministration of grace to them?

(Why? Because they don’t deserve it? Isn’t that the entire thing with grace? Undeserved by us—but eternally deserved by Christ?! Oh yeah, He deserved grace and took on the wrath that I deserve!)

Oh, this Christian life is difficult. Nay, impossible.

Apart from grace.

Dear Lord, please help us all to be so filled to overflowing with the amazing truth of Your grace towards sinners like us, that we would grant that grace to those who reject, betray, abandon, mistreat, and fail us. For your sake and for your glory, I pray! Amen.

“At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.” Titus 3:3-7

What a week we have had. Sophia was terribly (terribly!) sick and almost had to be hospitalized to get some fluids in her. My normally happy child has been whiny, clingy, and only slightly consoled if I hold her. All the time. Constantly. Day and night. (Get the point?) So of course on Day 3 of very sick child—so sick that we’ve had to do multiple loads of laundry in the night (see how I’m not being graphic but do you get that point too?)—my back goes out! Of course. So now we have very sick child and momma who can’t even move so poor papa has to take the lion’s share of the domestic duties. Plus I have huge projects I’m supposed to be tackling on some cases. Have I mentioned that I haven’t even put one photo in an album from all of last year? You could paint Picassos in the dust on my desk. And the poor dog just keeps looking at me like, “Are we ever going to get out of this house again?!”

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It just makes me SO crazy. So sad. So discouraged.

Or does it?

Didn’t Jesus say in Matthew 12:34-35: “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.” ???

So is it the heat of the situation (exhausted physically, tasks needing my attention, poor lovie bear baby needing my love and time) OR the heart? Jesus says it is the overflow of my heart that is shown during these trying days. Sick babies and lack of sleep just remind me of how desperate I am for The Savior. The God Who Hears and Saves!

Excerpts from Psalms 102—A prayer of an afflicted man. When he is faint and pours out his lament before the LORD.

Hear my prayer, O LORD; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly. For my days vanish like smoke; my bones burn like glowing embers. My heart is blighted and withered like grass … My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass …

But you, O LORD, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations. You will arise and have compassion on Zion, for it is time to show favor to her; the appointed time has come … For the LORD will rebuild Zion and appear in his glory. He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea …

In the course of my life he broke my strength; he cut short my days. So I said: “Do not take me away, O my God, in the midst of my days; your years go on through all generations. In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing you will change them and they will be discarded. But you remain the same, and your years will never end. The children of your servants will live in your presence; their descendants will be established before you.”

Last night I had a disturbing dream about a certain person with whom I have a relatively strained relationship. I would like to have a better relationship with her, but honestly, I don’t.

In the dream, I was yelling at her and speaking rudely to her in a harsh, critical, and judgmental manner. And then she died. Right then. Right after I was treating her so unlovingly.

I remember in the dream trying to defend myself to the people around me: “She came around and forgave me right before she died!” I self-protectively explained.

(Yeah, right. I just didn’t want people to think less of me–even in my dreams, my pride is an offensive stench.)

I woke up from the dream genuinely grieved. Not over my dream (I don’t want to overstate the importance of dreams or imply in any way that they are something they’re not) – but over my sin. You see, I knew immediately that in real life I had not been honoring the Lord or this person by my words, attitudes, and actions. I did have a harsh and critical spirit towards her. And even if I may not yell at her in real life, I knew that I was not seeking to bless and encourage her as I ought.

God moves in mysterious ways! And I was grateful to immediately begin this morning by calling her and reaching out to her in love. How I pray that I will persevere in doing good to her–for none of us know what tomorrow will bring. We may not have another day or week or month to seek to repair broken relationships, confess sins, ask forgiveness, and be reconciled.

So don’t delay!

“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

My husband Fred and I don’t have many fights. We just have the same fights over and over and over again. “Oh, yeah, here comes fight number 37, whipping around the bend ... we know this script by heart ...”

- He tries to say something important but doesn’t quite get the words right.
- I’m “the verbal one” and words are important to me. His words, meant to bless, hurt me.
- He tries to clarify and “fix things.”
- This comes across as backpedaling and feels insincere to me. (I.e., “You must have really meant what you said the first time because otherwise why would you have said it?!”)

Sadly, this little pattern can go on for days and really put a damper on our friendship and intimate love. Of course it takes two to tango – but what I see most is my “thin-skinned-ness” that ought to be quick to overlook, slow to take an offense, and extremely charitable to my beloved husband. But in my sin and immaturity I often make things much worse.

By God’s grace, may I grow in true, abiding love!

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (emphasis added)

For the last few days, I’ve been struggling to spend time with God–worshipping Him, quietly listening to Him, seeking to know Him through His Word. It just seems like there are a million things I’d rather be doing.

Then a friend of mine helped me to realize something important ...

When my best friend calls me on the telephone, I am happy inside. Truly. I love spending time with her. I enjoy our conversations or just being quiet together. I like to do errands and housework with her. It’s fun to relax and watch a movie together. We can talk about anything or nothing. We can agree or disagree. At times she lovingly confronts me. Often, she makes me laugh–especially at myself.

But this I know ... I am safe with her. She loves me. She actually even likes me. And even when I say something wrong or do something wrong, she is quick to forgive me. Shocking as it may be ... she wants to be around me too!

Is that how I feel when I think about God?

Or, deep down, have I been thinking about my time with God as being much more like that dreaded and dreadful call that comes from a certain woman who I know just doesn’t like me very much. She is pious and perfect and I’m always a lazy, slovenly, not-quite-together-enough mess compared to her. Nothing I ever do or say is good enough. I try my best and I fail. I try to be loving and she hears it as a criticism. I try to serve and she takes it as an attack.

I would much rather dust (ick!) or even worse for me ... clean floors than be around this person. Because I know that I’m going to leave every interaction feeling condemned, judged, and rejected. Why would I want to spend time with her?

Ah ... but herein squats the proverbial toad ...

Who is God? Surely he’s not my “buddy.” (For He is holy and awesome in His glory!) And yet, He has revealed Himself in His Word as a merciful, forgiving, longsuffering, patient, saving and adopting God.

So as usual, my problem–like all of our problems in this life–is rooted in unbelief. Do I trust my feelings or the Truth of God? Because there is nothing more attractive than the One True God who says to me, “Tara, I loved you when you still hated me. I saved you when you were my enemy. I forgave you and I adopted you as my beloved daughter. Nothing can separate you from Me or Me from you. Not even your fallenness. Not even your sin. The life, death, and resurrection of my Son, Jesus Christ, fully paid the penalty for your sin. It makes me happy to call you my own.”

Really? Really. Maybe I’ll end this here and move on to my quiet time ...

“For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!” Romans 5:10

I’ve been thinking a lot today about just how much I hate conflict. I do! I will never stand in front of anyone and say how fun it is to be at odds with another person, or how pleasant it is to faithfully seek to respond to conflict in a biblically faithful manner.

This weekend I was treated incredibly rudely by some store clerks. It had to do with me making multiple copies of a professional photograph of our family; the store questioning whether I had the right to do so (I did because we had paid some exorbitant amount to purchase the electronic version so we could do just that); and my (feeble!) efforts to try to help them to see that presuming the worst about me and treating me like a criminal (rather than presuming the best and just asking me) was really not in their best interest from a customer care standpoint.

It was a terribly uncomfortable, unpleasant, adrenaline-producing experience.

Isn’t that just like most of our conflicts? I mean, really ... how often do we really disagree with someone / are truly attacked and criticized / have to be around someone who can’t stand us and doesn’t hide the fact ... and it’s just fine? No big deal. No worries. Whatever.

When we get the letter or email or telephone call that starts out, “Tara, I’ve been mad at you for two years and every time I’ve thought about you I’ve cringed just a little bit ...” or “Tara, you’re a terrible person and I just need to get this off of my chest ...”

... Do we ever respond, “Great! How fun! I’m so glad that I’m being misjudged, attacked, hated, confronted? This is so pleasant. I wish I could do this every single minute of every single day. Whooo hoooo! Yeah rah!”

Of course not.

But even in those uncomfortable conflicts, we can pray for the grace to grow in our faith in Christ.

In my (scary!) example from the rude store clerks, I prayed for wisdom as to what I should do: a) never go back? b) write a letter? (I’m very good at writing letters, lawyer that I am.) c) go back to the store and talk in person? d) just let it go? ... Ahhhh, e) pray for wisdom into my own heart. Yes, that’s it.

You see, in that situation there were two “red flags” for me: 1) I felt attacked; and 2) I felt unjustly accused. As I consider all of my life, it is clear that when those two things are present, I am tempted to respond from my flesh and not in a way that would please the Lord. Ah hah. And so I pray: Please God, change my heart. Let me not make an idol out of not being attacked and not being unjustly accused. But let me find myself in You so that whatever my situation, I will continue to do good.

Of course, I may still need to go to the other person. But now it will not be from the standpoint of, “Let me tell you all of the ways you are wrong, unloving, rude, terrible, etc.” But from the standpoint of, “How can I please the Lord? Trust Him? Repent of my sins? Help to restore the other person? Strive to be at peace with him?”

This is the heartbeat of repentance – godly sorrow that leads to salvation and leaves no regret (2 Cor. 7:10) – and faith – For in Christ Jesus ... the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love (Gal. 5:6).

I know that left to my own devices, I am without hope. I will attack when attacked; reject when rejected; hurt when hurt. I will run away from my conflicts in “super-spiritual” ways ("God is calling me to a new job / Bible study / ministry").

But in Christ? There is hope – even in the unpleasantness of conflict.

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:7-12