considerable grace

My morning walks with Lilikoi (in real life) and Rev. Dr. Ligon Duncan (via Ipod sermons) continue to be of tremendous help to me. I really credit my relative (for Tara!) emotional and spiritual stability this summer to the fresh air, physical activity, and time to contemplate Holy Scripture and God Himself uninterruptedly.

(Thanks for this gift, Fred! And thanks, too, to all of the husbands who take care of young children to give their wives similar BREAKS from the (wonderfully exhausting) constancy of taking care of little ones all day.)

Today’s sermon is not to be missed. Especially if you or someone you love is experiencing loss. To paraphrase Pastor Ligon:

Great loss. Unfulfilled dreams. Unsatisfied and unsatisfiable desires. Plans, yearnings, longings, hopes, treasures that you’ve never attained or that you’ve had taken away from you before your very eyes. Some unbearable. Some less so. What do we do with them? How do we respond?

What do we cry out through our blinding, hopeless tears? How do you respond to a life you’ve longed for slipping through your fingers before your very eyes?

Listen to God’s Word preached from 1 Kings 19:

Every Dream Lost. Every Dream Fulfilled.

My only complaint about this sermon is that 32 minutes is too short!

Be blessed, friends.
God knows best.

In Christ our Hope and Confidence,
Tara B.

(HT: PureChurch)

What a contrast in articles I just read!

The first is what I would charitably characterize as a, well, not very gracious, thoughtful, or helpful article on why every woman should “ditch the guilt” dropping her little baby off with the “professionals” because staying home with young children can “drive you bonkers,” "give you a back problem and a brain ache," and women “just need more.”

(If you’re really interested, you can read it here, but I think there are far better articles “out there” that graciously and intelligently address this important wisdom issue. And I do think it is a wisdom issue—so discernment, humility, and love are required when we talk about this or any other parenting issue. Drawing harsh, judgmental, black and white lines in the sand is never encouraging, redemptive, or helpful—but boy people can sure do it.)

In contradistinction to that “I don’t like it; it’s not a good fit for me; I’m not using my gifts; I want—I DESERVE—more!” attitude, oh oh oh! If you only read one online article today ... I urge you to read THIS ONE (!). It has “nothing” to do with parenting or motherhood, well, except the way that all good (biblical, Christ-exalting, focused on eternity, loving God & neighbor for the glory of God) theology always applies to all of life.

The author is a personal hero of mine—truly one of the greatest men I have ever met with in person in this life. Brilliant, yet humble. Extraordinarily gifted, yet laying down his life to take the least place and serve. A preacher who can hold the attention of thousands, yet is a quiet and gentle man. A churchman. Laying down his life for his wife and children.

I really could go on and on, but a) I know he would hate that; and b) I know that he is not the reason why the insights in this article are so profound. Instead, it is because Christians through the ages (until recently, in certain geographical areas) have not only known these truths to be, in fact, true; they have lived these truths:

To Serve is to Suffer

Oh, friends! If we could only begin to grasp even just a sliver of how important suffering is in the life of the Christian ... our families, churches, schools / homeschool co-ops / tutoring relationships (did I get everyone?), sports leagues, youth orchestras, workplaces, rescue missions, pregnancy care centers, mission organizations ... would be changed. If Christians would learn to suffer well, the world would be changed.

Let me pull just a few tiny excerpts from this profound article by Ajith Fernando:

"I write this shortly after returning from a week of teaching pastors in the deep south of Sri Lanka. These pastors' experience shows that when people pioneer in unreached areas, they usually wait 10 to 15 years before seeing significant fruit and reduced hostility. In the early years, they are assaulted and accused falsely; stones are thrown onto their roofs; their children are given a hard time in school; and they see few genuine conversions. Many pioneers give up after a few years. But those who persevere bear much eternal fruit. I am humbled and ashamed of the way I complain about problems that are minute compared to theirs.

When I return from ministry in the West, my feelings are very different. I have been able to “use my gifts” and spend most of my time doing things I like. But when I resume being a leader in Sri Lanka’s less-efficient culture, frustration hits me. The transition from being a speaker in the West to being a leader in Sri Lanka is difficult. As a leader, I am the bond-servant (doulos) of the people I lead (2 Cor. 4:5). This means that my schedule is shaped more by their needs than by mine."

... “Young Christian workers who come back to Sri Lanka after studying in the West struggle with this. They are highly qualified, but our poor nation cannot afford to give them the recognition they think their qualifications deserve. They cannot use their gifts to the fullest; they struggle with frustration; some start their own organizations so as to fulfill their ”vision." ... I try to tell these students that their frustration could be the means to developing penetrating insight. I explain that people like John Calvin and Martin Luther had a dizzying variety of responsibilities, so that they could only use their gifts in the fog of fatigue ..."

"We call our churches and Christian organizations “families,” but families are very inefficient organizations. In a healthy family, everything stops when a member has big needs. We are often not willing to extend this commitment to Christian body life."

..."When people leave a church because they do not fit the program, it communicates a deadly message: that our commitment is to the work and not to the person, that our unity is primarily in the work and not in Christ and the gospel. The sad result is that Christians do not have the security of a community that will stay by them no matter what happens. They become shallow individuals, never having true fellowship and moving from group to group. Churches committed to programs can grow numerically, but they don’t nurture biblical Christians who understand the implications of belonging to the body of Christ."

"Sticking with people is frustrating. Taking hours to listen to an angry or hurt person seems inefficient. Why should we waste time on that when professionals could do it? So people have counselors to do what friends should be doing."

“Ideally, counselors help diagnose and treat difficult cases, and friends give the time that is needed to bring healing through acceptance, comfort, and friendship ... Several people have sympathized with me, saying it must be hard and frustrating to serve in a country wracked by war and hostile to evangelism. Indeed, we have suffered. A few months ago, one of our staff workers was brutally assaulted and killed. But I think the biggest pain I have experienced is the pain I have received from Youth for Christ, the organization for which I have worked for 34 years. I can also say that next to Jesus and my family, Youth for Christ has been the greatest source of joy in my life.”

“Whether you live in the East or the West, you will suffer pain if you are committed to people. This is suffering that can be avoided. We can avoid pain by stopping the relationship or moving on to something more ”fulfilling." But what do we lose?

Some years ago I was preparing a message on commitment while traveling in the West. Within the space of a few days, three people told me how they or someone close to them had left a group or a person because of problems. One had left an unhappy marriage; another, a church; another, an organization. Each person described his leaving as a merciful release from suffering. But I could not help asking myself whether, in each of these cases, the Christian thing to do would have been to stay and suffer ..."

There are still two more pages of nuggets and his conclusion ("The Glory of the Gospel")—well—I just want you to read it for yourself.

Because it’s not about working “outside” of the home or “inside” of the home; it’s not about whether you CAN get a divorce ("biblically" and “without guilt”); it’s not about whether you will be happier, feel safer and more accepted, use your gifts more strategically, be rewarded, be affirmed ...

Life is all about Him. God. And life is a just a blink—a flash. Then it is over and our Real Life begins.

This little season? These 40, 50, 80, 100 years? This is our one opportunity to share in the sufferings of Christ; to bear up under the pain of even unjust suffering because we are conscious of God (1 Peter 2:19). Once this life is over? No more suffering for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I pray that wherever our duties take us today—to the boardroom, courtroom, or surgery center; out on the ranch, in the corn fields of Iowa, or into the blazing sun for a day of hard, manual labor; stuffing bulletins in our church office, volunteering at a local ministry ... or, yes, sitting on the floor stacking blocks over and over again while your one year old delights in knocking them down after having spent 90 minutes cuddling and reading with your six year old (and then 30 minutes talking, disciplining, and praying with your six year old ... hypothetically, for, you know, a woman we’ll call Lara) ...

I pray that we will use our gifts in the fog of fatigue; pick up our cross; count it all joy; and suffer well.

Thanks yet again to Challies.com for introducing me to the Elisha Foundation ("providing refreshment and encouragement to families caring for people with special needs"):



And for reminding me to pray for our own denomination’s similar ministry—The MNA Special Needs Ministry.

Please do consider introducing these resources to your church. And if you are in the PCA, I strongly urge you to ask your leaders to financially support our MNA Special Needs Ministry.

Thanks, friends!
– Tara B.

God Moves in a Mysterious Way
(William Cowper)

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

Nothing “bad” is happening. Everything is “fine.” And yet I still wake up with a burning desire to RUN AWAY.

Lots of blessings. Lots of joys. My life is rich with grace and love and good, hard work to do. So why do I despair?

Yes, yes. I woke up this morning feeling like two different people inside one messed-up-Tara. Didn’t want to even face it, so annoyed am I by me. Surely didn’t want to talk about it—with God, Fred, anyone.

I completely relate to Sophie’s desire to just pull the covers up over her head and STAY THERE. (Tried that for awhile, but life beckons.)

So I did have an (annoying to me, but Fred is kind) conversation with Fred.
Yes, I did let myself cry. (Now I have a headache, but still. Sometimes it’s good to cry.)
I’m going to get showered and take one step into my day.

But first, I’m going to re-read Psalm 62:

"For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.

How long will all of you attack a man
to batter him,
like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
They only plan to thrust him down from his high position.
They take pleasure in falsehood.
They bless with their mouths,
but inwardly they curse. Selah

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah"

Selah and Selah.
Stop and listen. Reflect on that. Hear it. Hear it more than emotions (and hormones) and thoughts that swirl and tempt me to run.

That’s my prayer for this Monday morning—

Yours,
Tara B.

I know that one of the greatest griefs a person can bear is the knowledge that his or her beloved adult child is not walking with the Lord in daily, saving faith. This article by Pastor Anyabwile is a great encouragement to all of us, but particularly for parents of wayward children:

God the Holy Spirit’s Use of a Choice Word

To look on her face is to see beauty, is it not? Even in suffering.

Sono Sato Harris: Precious Beyond Words

This takes a few minutes to click through and read. But it’s worth it.

Days With My Father

(HT: Challies.com)

What I am about to recommend to you is not an easy read (if you just read the transcript) or an easy listen (if you take the time to actually listen to the message—which I recommend). But if you, or someone you love, has struggled with paralyzing, terrifying, death-desiring depression, then I encourage you to take the time to learn from this message from John Piper:

Insanity and Spiritual Songs in the Soul of a Saint

I also encourage you to mine the depths of:

- Spiritual Depression (Lloyd-Jones)
- Depression: A Stubborn Darkness (Welch)
- Blame It On The Brain: Distinguishing Chemical Imbalances, Brain Disorders, and Disobedience (Welch)

Oh, so much more that I would say if I could. But I have no words. Just a heavy weight pressing on my chest as I pray for and love some people very close to my heart. Please do pray if you would. This life is so hard! My life is so easy—I can be such a selfish, petty woman at times. But the suffering of my friends is great and I am burdened; striving to love and serve well.

I’m at a loss for words. (Me? No words? Can you believe it? But it’s true.) And so the Spirit groans.

Thanks, friends.

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Even just for my own current, tiny little temptations towards hopelessness, this one line is leading me to repent:

"The first lesson I see is this: that we all fortify ourselves against the dark hours of depression by cultivating a deep distrust of the certainties of despair."

What an apt word. I am far too prone to absolutes, especially when it comes to relationships. SO high. SO low. GREAT. Hopeless and worthless. This is not wise. This is not mature. So, knowing my tendencies, I must fight faith’s fight against that which is not God-honoring and loving of neighbor. But OH! The feelings are so strong. Tangible. They feel overwhelming, but they need not be. God gives us the grace to grow—and to grow up; to no longer be ruled by our feelings. (And for those of us with deep struggles and medical issues and habitual ruling lusts too? There is grace for us—spiritual, physical. There is grace.) We may not FEEL it at times, but it IS true. Sending you love! — t

I’ve been reading Jill Carattini for years and while I’ve admired and enjoyed her intellect, faith, and writing abilities, I never knew this about her:

The Right Side of Pain

Brilliant. As usual.

Here’s a snippet to tempt you, but please do go back and read the entire essay. What a mind! What a heart! What a grace that she points us to God:

"We shuffled back and forth between the states that sat like metaphors between our divorced parents—a summer, a spring break, a Christmas without one of them. The pain of the one we were leaving was always palpable, but we always had to leave.

It’s strange the things we interpret as children with the limited perceptions we have. I was six years old when I silently vowed I would not allow anyone to keep me on the wrong side of people in pain. As a result, I have spent a lifetime collecting strays, searching for the oppressed, feeling the pain of others, and desperately attempting to bind broken hearts, usually without much success. Every church I have ever been involved with has been one somehow marked by suffering. As long as I can remember, I have been somewhat frantic about expanding my circle of care. The world of souls is a sad and broken place. I was certain of this because I was one of them, and I vowed that they would not be alone—or perhaps more accurately, that I would not be alone.

There were other unhealthy patterns to my ever-expanding circles of care ...

... God never sleeps or slumbers because those who are hurting never sleep or slumber. Try as we may as caretakers we cannot be as God to the hurting. We can stay awake with them in their pain and suffering, we can care for them as neighbors, but the house in which the suffering find unfailing love is the Lord’s ..."

"Your cancer is malignant."
“I’m leaving you and the kids. I want a divorce.”
“You’re fired.”
“I’m sorry. The baby is gone.”
“There’s been an accident ...”

No matter the suffering, Ed Welch’s friend reminds us:

Nothing Has Changed

(Still, we weep.)

"The human heart has hidden treasures,
In secret kept, in silence sealed;
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed.
And days may pass in gay confusion,
And nights in rosy riot fly,
While, lost in Fame’s or Wealth’s illusion,
The memory of the Past may die.

But, there are hours of lonely musing,
Such as in evening silence come,
When, soft as birds their pinions closing,
The heart’s best feelings gather home.
Then in our souls there seems to languish
A tender grief that is not woe;
And thoughts that once wrung groans of anguish,
Now cause but some mild tears to flow.

And feelings, once as strong as passions,
Float softly back a faded dream;
Our own sharp griefs and wild sensations,
The tale of others' sufferings seem.
Oh! when the heart is freshly bleeding,
How longs it for that time to be,
When, through the mist of years receding,
Its woes but live in reverie!

And it can dwell on moonlight glimmer,
On evening shade and loneliness;
And, while the sky grows dim and dimmer,
Feel no untold and strange distress
Only a deeper impulse given
By lonely hour and darkened room,
To solemn thoughts that soar to heaven,
Seeking a life and world to come."

(Evening Solace by Charlotte Bronte)

Friends of ours are walking an elderly parent what may be just another medical crisis, or what may be her final days.

This great and godly woman is but one example of many of beloved people we have known who have faced the ravages of aging with grace and patience—even while dealing with tremendous suffering.

We are praying for her and for her family daily. And as we do, Sophia and I are having many profound conversations—about pain and suffering; the reality of the Fall; how death is “not the way it’s supposed to be” and truly an enemy (even though Christ has triumphed over death and the grave).

How grateful I am that she has seen brave friends fight horrors like cancer with everything that is within them—and we have prayed prayed prayed and sent cards and pictures to encourage and let them know we are standing with them. Some have recovered. Total remission! Some have died.

And it has never been easy. The penultimate scene of the illustrated children’s version of “Pilgrim’s Progress” is still terribly scary. The transition from life through death to eternal life is hard, even for the Christian.

(One of my favorite, chilling and inspiring, adult reads on this topic is Last Words of Saints and Sinners.)

But with Sophia? We read truths from Scripture, stories from ancient church history, and children’s books that help us to understand eternity. We observe our friends' suffering, we pray, and we talk about it.

And I am so grateful for friends who suffer well and thus, help my children and me to learn how to do the same. They are wise and they seek medical help and take healthy care of their bodies. But they do not do so clinging and worshiping this life.

I was thinking of all of this when I read Jill Carratini’s RZIM devotional tonight:

Through Forgetful Green

I hope it blesses you. And if you are walking someone through the valley of the shadow of death, I pray that you will remember Truth and fear no evil for truly, God is with you.

Your friend,
Tara B.

A beautiful read over at Wrestling with an Angel:

A Birthday Letter to My Son

And a frighteningly must read by Jared Wilson re: p*rn consumption in hotels when Christian conventions are in town:

Your Private Life Gives Public Witness

If you enjoy theology, you’ll enjoy this lovely regular post from Rebecca Writes (this is a link to her category archive):

Theological Term of the Week

And hooray! HT: MIS! More Paige Benton Brown teachings here.

Tim Challies posted this John Donne poem this morning and as I read it, I was flooded with memories from my freshman year in high school—the year God saved me—because I was reading John Gunther’s book by the same title (Death Be Not Proud) and the reality of the brevity of life was pressing hard upon me.

If you haven’t read the Gunther book, it is a memoir by the father of a remarkable teenage boy who is diagnosed with brain cancer and dies at age seventeen. To the best of my recollection, it is not an overtly “Christian” book. I don’t recall that it included any clear presentation of the gospel message of salvation by faith alone. But it is a beautifully written book that touched my little messed-up teenage heart in a multitude of ways—from the divorced parents, to the call to suffer well and never be embittered by your life’s circumstances, but instead to make the best of whatever time you have on this earth.

But mostly? I remember thinking as I read the poem on the inside page of the tiny paperback, “WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?” (How do we sleep this “short sleep” and “wake eternally”? HOW does death die? Who kills death?)

Needless to say, God used this poem mightily in my conversion:

"DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.

Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die."

(I strongly urge you to read it out loud. Oh. Some poetry really needs to be read out loud.)

I’m sure that my visceral reaction this morning (the emotions I felt were almost tangible they were so strong) is due to the fact that this morning is Easter Morning and of all of the days of the year, we meditate on (and celebrate!) Christ’s resurrection the very most on this day. But I also credit Maundy Thursday and Good Friday with all of the attendant contemplations of those two days.

(I would be asleep in the Garden, so little do I care of my Lord and so much do I care of myself. I would deny Christ, so weak is my faith. In the heat of the horror, I would forget everything He’s said and done too. I deserve the scorn, suffering, and death. I would be hiding out, hopeless, after His death. I wouldn’t believe it either when women told me that the tomb was empty).

But my weakness is blissfully irrelevant to the strength of God’s saving grace. Not waiting for me to lift my own dead body out of the pit, He condescends because He is the holy, just, merciful, compassionate, saving, Triune God. He suffers and dies. He conquers and rises. He sends His Spirit. One terrifying day, He will return again in glory to judge the living and the dead.

And then, death shall be no more. “Death, thou shalt die.”

Amen & Amen! And Maranatha, Lord Jesus. Come quickly, we pray.

Happy, Blessed Resurrection Day to you all—

Yours,
Tara B.

A video worth four minutes of your time, especially if you or someone you love is facing a cancer diagnosis:

The Story of Zac Smith

(HT: Challies.com)

I’m looking forward to our women’s study this week on Paul Miller’s book, A Praying Life: Connecting with God in a Distracting World. We’re doing chapters 9-11 this week and even just the few pages of chapter 9 proved quite profitable for revealing my heart and helping me to understand some of my current temptations.

(Don’t you just love it when an author, preacher, or teacher–or friend–does that? Shine that flashlight onto my SOUL! Give me terminology to help me to see things more clearly. I can’t repent of something I can’t name. I don’t know how to get help if I can’t even define my problem.)

The two helpful terms in Mr. Miller’s chapter 9 were cynical and defeated weariness. His words are the best for describing and defining them, so I commend the entire book to you and hope that you’ll read exactly what he wrote.

But my notes on the chapter go something like this:

- Cynical is the opposite of childlike. Oh! How I long to be childlike—NOT childish, but childlike. Specifically? Like the little child Jesus took to Himself in Matthew 18. Dependent on Jesus. Looking to Jesus. Safe because of Jesus. Happy because of Jesus. The rest of the world growing strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

- Cynicism in prayer can look like this:

– If what I prayed for happens? “It would’ve happened anyway.”
– If what I prayed for doesn’t happen? “See! Prayer is stupid. It doesn’t work.”

- Walking down the path of life TOWARD cynicism? Just BEFORE you get all the way to cynical, you come across defeated weariness. Ahhhh, yes. I know this place quite well. Even as I read those words last night? This is exactly what I felt—my spirit was beginning to deaden. I felt fearful, frustrated. But somewhere, deep down inside the true reaches of my soul, there was still a glimmer of hope.

- Defeated weariness and cynicism question the active goodness of God on our behalf. (Yes, yes, they do.)

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to reading more and to discussing our reading in our group. There’s something so good and real about “having to” discuss such things with real-live-human beings. It forces us to take our theology off of the bookshelf and out of the journal (and off of the strange world of email/fb/blog-land!) into real life. And don’t we all need to do that?

The longer I live, the more clearly I see why Jesus said that the two greatest commandments are to love God and love neighbor. Oh, oh, oh! Pesky ol' relationships! Too hard! Too painful. Too disappointing and scary and frustrating. It’s so much easier to love God when it’s “just between me and God.” I can be such a loving, gracious, and patient woman in the hypothetical. I’m all about mercy and forgiveness and all of that! Right up until the point someone really, really hurts me. Judges me. Criticizes me. Watches my every move and says, “You’re not doing it right! You need to be better! I can do it better than you.”

Oh, trust me dear one, I’m sure you can. I’m absolutely, 100% sure you can. So maybe I’ll just pull back, hide out, and stay away—physically (not engage with anyone after church, skip small group, never join that women’s study, quietly drop out of that mothers' group), emotionally (OK. I’ll show up. But I’ll be guarded, oh so guarded, that you’ll never see the real me. You won’t have the opportunity to hurt me again. I’ll try to measure up and be good enough to avoid your scorn. But deep down inside, I’ll know that I’ll never be acceptable enough to you. So, “Hi. How are you? How’s your cat? Yes, great service. Isn’t God wonderful?” But no risk. No intimacy. No love.)

Herein squats the proverbial toad. Again.

Because all of Scripture is clear, but particularly so in 1 John. (Remember “Peacemaker Junkie”? Oh, I’m laughing inside just thinking about it! “If you don’t want to end up like me, then stay away from 1 John! That’s the real stuff.”)

"We proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us ... so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ ...

If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin ...

Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling ...

Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother. For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another ...

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love ...

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us ...

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother."

Oh, that all sounds so great! Unless you’re feeling defeated. Weary. Numb. Careening down the path to cynicism.

So what do we do? Where do we turn?

Well ... read Paul Miller’s book. It’s great. Truly great. I think it’ll help you re: prayer and I’m not going to try to summarize a 270 page book in this (already too long) post.

Instead, I’m quoting the brilliant Judy Dabler (my coauthor) to myself again (and my pastor, my friend Trudy, so many people in so many varied situations who have counseled me over the years) by saying this:

"Where do you turn, Tara? When you feel this sad? When you don’t see any way out? Any hope? You turn anew to the same place you’ve turned a thousand times. Ten thousand times. Away from yourself. Your circumstance. The other person. And TO the resources that ARE YOURS in Christ."

“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord,who made heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1

People will love you imperfectly. Sometimes relationships are safe havens of deep joy. Sometimes we get hurt. Love anyway.

God alone will love perfectly. He is always, at every moment, in every circumstance, working for His glory and our good. Always. 100%. He is perfect and He is good. We can trust Him. We can love Him without fear of being judged and condemned. (Because He already judged and condemned His Son on our behalf.) Now? We get to have the riches of God in Christ! His inheritance—ours. His reward—ours. The disgust and rejection we deserve? Put on Christ.

So what can Man do to us? Who can hurt us—truly hurt us? When Jesus says, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

He has deprived the world of its power to ultimately harm us. And so we persevere!

Trust God.
Love people.

No cynicism today. Maybe grief. OK. No problem. Loneliness? Sure. But remember that you have a High Priest who can sympathize with grief and loneliness at a level you will never know. (Betrayed by his closest friend. Rejected by His Father, with Whom He had never experienced an IOTA of distance before.) And He has ascended into Heaven to prepare a place for you in His Father’s mansion! Many rooms. Many rooms. And He’s coming again in glory to judge the living and the dead.

Maranatha! Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Be near me, Lord Jesus—I ask You to stay close by me forever and love me I pray. (He does. He does.)

Blessings to you on this Monday morning,
Tara B.

Ed Welch taught me (and convicted me) AGAIN with his recent article over on the CCEF website:

More Things Not To Say To Those Who are Suffering

In it, he makes many great points, but let me just tempt you with a few:

" ... Here is something that I have heard a number of times on the “Not Helpful” list. I have heard it often enough that it deserves to become part of our body of pastoral wisdom.

“If you need anything, please call me—anytime.”

... Those who mentioned it didn’t say that the comment was meaningless to them, though it was. They said that it was actually unhelpful. Why? ...

- If “comforters” knew anything about real hardship, they would know that sufferers usually don’t know what they want or need.

- If comforters knew anything about the sufferer, they would know what the sufferer wants or needs.

- If comforters really knew the sufferer, they would know that he or she would never make the call. Never.

The comment is the equivalent of “ta ta, see you later,” “luv ya, call me sometime,” or some other mindless goodbye. The speaker is not giving any real thought to the comforter’s needs and circumstances, and the suffering person knows it ..."

Hmmmm. This is a bummer for me because, in ADDITION to saying other things, I have said those very words in many a card to people in need. And yet, I’ve always written those words with a tiny, nagging voice in my mind saying, “Is this the right thing to say?”

I guess I feel this nagging sense because, while I always try to think through the (brilliant!) list that Ruth M. gave us as to How to Help (Really Help!) When a Family is in Crisis, the truth is—I haven’t done that great a job of LIVING IT OUT. And Dr. Welch’s article really lays my heart bare (just like his writing so often does! that’s why I’m such an Ed Welch junkie).

I’ll close with just one more paragraph from the article and then encourage you again to click on through and read it for yourself:

"First, they listen and understand the suffering person. They pick up on to-do lists that are growing and impossible. They identify tasks that are especially important. They don’t barge in and do trivial work or serve in ways that leave more disarray. For example, I could imagine that someone would look at my chaotic arrangement of books and attempt to serve me by organizing them in a way that would make a librarian proud – and I wouldn’t be able to find a book for the next year (which actually happened, but it wasn’t because I was suffering. My wife could tell you the story. A small home office renovation project that was supposed to be a surprise, and it was, but . . .).

A good friend can identify what would be truly helpful.

Next, they do it. They get the dog groomed, do the dishes, drop off a meal, cut the grass, baby sit the kids, bring a meal over and eat it together, clean the house, give a ride to small group, drop off a note of encouragement and then another and another, arrange for a hair cut, and so on.

Any of these acts of love and service make life easier for the suffering person. That certainly helps. But a meal is never just a meal; maid-service is never merely maid-service. These say to the suffering person, “I remember you,” “I think about you often,” “you are not forgotten, you are on my heart,” “I love you.” That, as they say, is priceless."

Amen. And thanks. Dr. Welch.

Happy Friday to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.

HT to Les & Bobbie for sending me this interview with a Harvard law professor who has lived with extraordinary pain and now is facing relatively imminent death from cancer (he will probably not live through 2010). It is worth the read:

You Will Call, I Will Answer

He has another edifying article over at Christianity Today:

Three Gifts for Hard Times

(Come to think of it, I bet this gentleman has a bunch of articles worth reading.)

Tim Challies pointed me to a number of worthwhile links this morning.

The first one is hard to watch, but so worth it—especially if you are suffering or know someone who is suffering. There are two video clips from a pastor and his wife whose fourteen year-old daughter was murdered. It is neither trite nor man-centered. It is real and raw—and it meaningfully points to Christ. The parents also share profoundly about forgiveness. I highly recommend that you take the time to watch:

It is Not Death to Die

The second was quite convicting re: my own spiritual disciplines. Oh! How I can picture myself spending hours and hours reading the Bible and journaling, praying, and worshiping. Before I had young children. Now? I’m simply not that consistent, even though I know I could be doing much better if I just applied myself. Anyway ... this article was helpful and not condemning (hooray!):

Mom’s Bible Reading: Do What You Can

Tim didn’t actually link to this, but he did link to the blog and that’s how I found it:

It Takes Patience to Build a Business

A great reminder from Spurgeon:

Come, Be Encouraged

A great title for a post on a topic I’ve been thinking about a lot lately (especially as I prepped for my keynote last week in Atlanta):

Gospel-Centered Legalism

And I’ll close this list o' links with one to a book that I’m planning to take off the shelf and re-read (again):

Uprooting Anger by Robert D. Jones

I’m planning to re-read it today because last night, Sophia engaged in a series of entertaining (and even pleasant) delays getting ready for bed—making Ella laugh hysterically, doing a great dance, pretending to be a character from a book—and after warning her and warning her (which I don’t usually do), I got angry.

Did her disobedience cause my anger? Oh, no. Even my six year-old mini-theologian could tell you that.

Her disobedience simply brought out the anger that was already in my heart.

But even as I snapped at her with a rude tone of voice, I was convicted. I knew my heart was the problem. I knew I was called to repent.

Thankfully, my daughter is very forgiving and we were sweetly reconciled (again) even after our little pattern (again) of her disobeying and me raising my voice (again). Still ... I think it’s time to do a little root-digging when it comes to the weed of anger that is living in my heart.

So, off into my day I go. Hope your Friday is a blessed one!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Sorry for the unwieldy nature of this post. My clunky blog software made adding links next to impossible. 'Tis a miracle I’m not having to repent of anger RIGHT NOW.

Sorry to be such an unhelpful blogger—but Soph has continued to decline health-wise and this morning Ella woke up sick too. So we’re in sick kid mode around here, plus, I’m still not sleeping—so that makes everything about a zillion times harder.

I did want to encourage you, however, that even though (quoting the inimitable Amy. L) “I’m falling apart at the seams,” I am simultaneously, “resting in God’s grace.” And a big part of not going over completely to the dark place (hopeless / despairing / depressed / grieving / lamenting ... choose your word), has been because of this truth:

I am not alone.

I know this because God’s Word says it to be true. (God is not only transcendent, He is immanent. He does not save generic, unknown “people,” He saves individuals and cherishes each one of His children with saving, transforming, adopting love.)

I also know this because I’ve actually reached out to others—frail, fallen, redeemed human beings. It’s embarrassing to share from my place of weakness, but necessary. It feels so stupid to seek counsel when I “should” be able to counsel myself, but such is the human condition.

We are not created to be alone. Everything feels (and is!) harder when we feel isolated, “unique,” strange ... ALONE.

It takes effort and vulnerability to combat our tendencies to hide and isolate ourselves. But this we are called to do. And when we are too weak to do so? To even lift our own arms or draw breath? (More or less to reach out for help.) Ah! This is when the family of God, the very Body of Christ, comes around us and lifts our arms and holds us up until our strength returns.

I hope you’re in a happy place on this lovely Tuesday morning! But if it’s a hard season for you, I encourage you:

You are not alone!

Don’t isolate yourself. Don’t make yourself even more vulnerable by hiding.

Reach out. Get help. There is grace for the day.

Back to my fevered loves now—
(Man! Are we going through the tissues around here.)

Gratefully,
Tara B.

Recently, Bob Kauflin learned that his two year-old grandson had cancer—and then he had to lead worship just a few days later. He wrote an article about his experience here:

Leading in the Midst of Trials

This is just a tiny excerpt:

"I guess I could have struggled with the apparent dichotomy between my circumstances and the songs we were singing. Or ignored what my family was going through altogether and pretended that nothing was wrong. Or complained about how hard life is sometimes.
By God’s grace, I actually drew great comfort from God through the truths we sang. So after the first song, which is based on Psalm 150, I shared a few thoughts not only for the church, but for my own soul ..."

Margaret Manning wrote a rich essay for today’s RZIM Slice of Infinity and I encourage you to click through and read the entire article:Tidings of Comfort and Joy.

Let me tempt you with just an excerpt:

"We all seek joy in this season, but perhaps we look in the wrong places and in the wrong ways: “This is no jingle-bells joy brought with a swipe of a credit card,” Arnold continues. “The seeds of this joy have been planted in sadness and watered with tears. This is the honest joy that often comes only after weeping has tarried the night.” Tidings of comfort and joy come to us in a person, a person who sowed both tears of joy and sadness himself. Jesus brings joy from tears and fills hearts with gladness at his coming. Weeping may last through the night, but joy indeed comes in the morning."

Her comments remind me of a lesson Fred taught Sophia in our Advent devotional last night (and then Sophia brought up again to me as we were cuddling, reading, and talking after bath-time).

Fred had her run and get our church’s bulletin from last Sunday so that they could re-read the Prayer of Confession together. He wanted to show her how “even the grown-ups” have to pray for a contrite heart (a heart that is really sorry) because our tendency is to NOT be sorry for our sin. (This is something Sophie’s been struggling with a bit as she makes confessions. A part of her wants to confess. But a part of her isn’t really sorry. She feels the tug and it’s quite a struggle, let me tell you.)

As she and I discussed this topic later on, she said something like this:

"God has taught us to pray and ask for a heart that is really sorry because we can’t just WALK INTO A STORE AND BUY A CONTRITE HEART."

Absolutement, dear Sophie. Absolutement.

(But oh! I did enjoy the visual, even just for a moment. Wouldn’t it be GRAND if we could just put “contrite heart” on our shopping list, pop into Costco, grab a value-sized-pack and move on with our day? Mmmmmmm ... some days in particular, that sounds really nice to me.)

Joy cometh in the morning, friends!
(But it’s never bought with a credit card ...)

Yours,
Tara B.

I said to myself, “I won’t cry. Of course I won’t cry.”



(Yeah, right.)

Watch. Enjoy. What a special kid. (And see if you can get through it without asking yourself how YOU would respond if you had to prepare yourself for blindness. How would you handle waking up one day KNOWING that by the end of that day, you would never see anything again in this life?)

It was definitely worth the watch. Plus, I feel even more bonded to my sports-lovin'-hubby who just yesterday discovered the Hulu Big Ten’s Greatest Basketball Games Channel. We’re really hoping to catch a shot or two of him in the BAND.

BTW—once again, for the record, I HATE CANCER. Hate it. Despise it. Whether it’s this kid’s retinoblastoma or the cancer Pastor JollyBlogger is fighting or the breast cancer my one dear friend survived and my one dear friend died an agonizing death from.

I hate cancer.

And I am just so glad that God hates it so much that he sent His Only Begotten Son to eradicate it once and for all when He sets this world right again.

(Ooooh—total Tara brain jumps going on in this post, eh?) That reminds me of today’s RZIM Slice of Infinity by the extraordinary Jill Carattini: The One Who Came in Person. What a profound thinker and writer she is! Consider just to excerpts and then (hopefully) pop on over and read the entire essay:

"In his book The God Delusion, Oxford biologist Richard Dawkins sets forth the staggering estimation that post-Christian secular societies are far more moral than societies that operate from a religious foundation. He recounts the horrors carried out in the name of God, moving past the monstrosities of the 20th century at the hands of atheist regimes by claiming their atheism had nothing to do with their behavior. “I’m inclined to suspect,” he writes, “that there are very few atheists in prison.”(1) He is insistent that believers are worse than atheists when it comes to behaving ethically.

British statesman Roy Hattersley, himself a fellow atheist, disagrees ... “Civilised people do not believe that drug addiction and male prostitution offend against divine ordinance. But those who do are the men and women most willing to change the fetid bandages, replace the sodden sleeping bags and—probably most difficult of all—argue, without a trace of impatience, that the time has come for some serious medical treatment.”

...

Though buried under insult and ignorance, Celsus had his finger on the very quality of Christianity that makes Christians as curious as the philosophy they profess: Our God came in person. God had to come near, as Celsus claims; though not because He couldn’t speak to us otherwise, nor because He was incapable of touching the world from where He stands. As a Father who longs to gather his children together, God came near because each child matters. God came near—God came in person—because one lost, or one hurting, or one in need was one God would lay down his life to reach.

Christmas is about remembering the one who came in person. It is this God who came near and reordered the world, calling us to see life and each other in startling new ways ..."

(HT to TakeYourVitaminZ for the link to the video.)

My life is full and rich. Every day, I have a healthy baby who wants nothing more than to be held and cuddled (and fed and changed ). And more than any other interesting adventure in her life (like making a fort in a downstairs closet and reading for hours yesterday), I have another daughter whose delight is to snuggle with me and talk, sing, read, pray ... just be together. On top of all of that? I have a husband who has stuck with me for 14+ years and who is unfailingly faithful and kind and I have been saved from my sins by the very Triune God of the universe Himself!

So why is it that, in light of all of the good in my life, sometimes my heart is STILL crushed by rejection, abandonment, and loneliness? (Especially at certain times–weddings, holidays, etc.–that are “supposed to be” times of great familial togetherness?)

Why do I go from being sort-of-messed-up-but-fairly-functional-Tara to REALLY-MESSED-UP-TARA in what feels like the blink of an eye?

These were the questions I went to be thinking about last night and the questions I woke up thinking about this morning. But in between (THANK GOD!), I did have a few moments of sanity and faith when I:

1. Talked with Fred about it all and we spontaneously began to recite sections from Psalm 27 and Isaiah 41 to each other:

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, the offspring of Abraham, my friend ... I have chosen you and not cast you off; fear not, for I am with you.

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life ... For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent.

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

And you shall rejoice in the Lord; in the Holy One of Israel you shall glory.

2. I recognized (and I’m still recognizing right now) that what I really need to do is GRIEVE. But I also know that right now I’m feeling too hurt to even go there—and that’s OK. I’m still working through the “feel it” and “name it” parts of Judy D’s wise counsel regarding such things:

"Feel it. Name it. Grieve it. Let it go and move on."

Oh! It sounds so good in theory—but life is hard. Suffering is hard. Feelings are feelings and sometimes, they are extremely complex. Hence, #3 ...

3. I pulled up the ol' manuscript for Peacemaking Women into Word and re-read the section on complex pain and suffering. (One of these days, I REALLY have to just sit down with the final “book book” version of that manuscript and read how the whole thing came together in the end! But I digress ...)

In our chapter on suffering, Judy and I talk about how the pain from a current situation we are facing may “tap into” our past experiences. And particularly when our emotions are disproportional to the actual situation we are in, it may be wise for for us to look deep into our own hearts to see if a life-forming trauma might be surfacing.

Like layers of an onion, God may be lovingly helping us to hurt—peeling back another layer of sorrow so that we can experience an even deeper sense of His presence, goodness, wholeness and shalom. (Because one day, in Heaven, the “onion” of pain will be gone forever and completely and our suffering will be over.)

But it’s sure AWFUL in the process, isn’t it?

To be cruising along in life, growing a little in grace, thinking things are relatively OK ... and then WHAM! We’re right back in whatever trauma we have faced (abuse, life-threatening illness, abandonment by a spouse, rejection by a parent, being attacked within our own church by our own sheep (and/or shepherds!), false accusations, headship warped into misogynism, war, unfaithfulness by a friend, just plain-ol-meanness).

Over the years, we’ve thought to ourselves, “I’ve dealt with that. I’m OK now.” So we are doubly shocked by the depth of (fear, pain, sorrow, angst, hopelessness, anger) we feel because we TRULY thought it was in the past. But herein lies the rub—nothing in this life is truly in the past (100% completely) until Heaven. In Heaven, if that’s the way Heaven works (and I’m no expert on the theology of Heaven!), we will be able to look back on any trauma or suffering and experience it, remember it, think about it without pain (because there are NO TEARS in Heaven, Alleluia!).

But in this life? We hurt. We grieve. We kick and scream and cry, “This is TERRIBLE! This is SO UGLY! I HATE this!” (Because friends should remain faithful. Pastors should protect their sheep (and sheep should appreciate and protect their pastors). No one should have to suffer in agony from cancer (and their families shouldn’t have to sit by their bedside as they do).

Employers should be just and fair. Church members should be gracious to one another. Parents should delight in their children and love them. War should not be.

But all the shoulds in the world don’t fix this broken, fallen world. We live in a world that is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s appropriate to hate sin and it’s appropriate to be sad when life in a sinful and fallen world causes you pain.

But the real question is, what do you do with it THEN?

I have so many memories of lying on my bed at the Livingstons or curling up in the back of Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Morris, Illinois—journaling, praying, crying, BEGGING GOD to help me to survive (and even thrive in!) my experience of being a teenager with one parent far away living life with another family he had chosen (instead of my sister and me) and another parent institutionalized for addictions and mental illness. Oh! How I WANTED to be so grateful to my church family and this amazing Christian family that had taken me in when I had no home; how I WANTED to be so grateful to God for saving me and making me his own. I had a great life in so many ways—Madrigals, Speech Team, Band, Choir; handbells, Bible studies, even a great friend-boyfriend-friend whom I love and enjoy to this day (20+ years later!).

But deep down? I was just a terrified, lonely, sad little girl who more than anything else longed for her parents' approval and acceptance. I hated being judged “not good enough” and “unlovable” by them and I was devastated by their abandonment and rejection of me.

But this was my life. This was the path that God (good, sovereign, all-knowing, all-powerful God) had laid out for me. He promised to be with me. He promised to give me everything I would need for life and godliness. He said He would never forsake me. He said that I could glorify Him—even messed up ol' ME could glorify Him. He hid me in the cleft of His rock. He covered me with Himself.

It was enough.

Yes, over the years, at times, the layers of the onion get peeled back a little more and little more. It hurts. A lot. But I know that God is helping me to grieve with HOPE because one day, He is going to set everything right again. And in the interim, He will be with me.

And that is enough.

(Or so my theology says. And yes, I DO believe it. But now I just need to feel it and name it so I can grieve it and move on.)

Thanks for spending the first few hours of my Saturday morning with me. 7AM. I hear the pack starting to rouse upstairs so I need to scoot. (Ella figured out how to turn on her little “Ocean Wonders” crib toy, even in her sleep sack! She’s like a little mermaid kicking up both legs to hit the button and start the bubbles and lights—very fun.)

Remember! Remember!

"Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flames shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."

Blessed Saturday to you—

With love,
Tara B.

After reading this quote in a RZIM Slice of Infinity from this week, I immediately prayed it for my friend’s mother (and their entire family) as they walk through the suffering of end stage cancer:

"Lord Jesus, come yourself, and dwell with us, be human as we are, and overcome what overwhelms us. Come into the midst of my evil, come close to my unfaithfulness. Share my sin, which I hate and which I cannot leave. Be my brother, Thou Holy God. Be my brother in the kingdom of evil and suffering and death. Come with me in my death, come with me in my suffering, come with me as I struggle with evil. And make me holy and pure, despite my sin and death." Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Come near!
Come near!

For You are big and strong; we are frail and weak.
You banish darkness and fear; and to us, the darkness can feel so overwhelmingly scary.
In You, there is hope; apart from you, no hope.
You took on flesh. You understand.
You have overcome.

Heading into a prayerful day—

Yours,
Tara B.

Thank you so very much for the kind blog and fb comments. I so appreciate your encouragement and just to let you know, we’re really having a very nice visit. Sophia adores the attention and fun being lavished on her, and Dad and Marlene adore Sophie and Ella, so it’s really a wonderful situation in so many ways. (Makes me really miss being closer to family!)



You know, I was doing the math last night and this year, my mom and my stepdad will be married for TWENTY YEARS. And in 2010? My dad and Marlene will be married for TEN years. This strikes me because I think I sometimes fall into the ol' trap of all children re: “my parents only exist in MY universe” and think about THEIR marriage to each other (because it was so impactful on me). But an accurate picture is that my mom has been married to Charlie for WAY longer than she was married to my dad, and my dad and Marlene are not all that far away from the length of their marriage either.

Life goes very fast, doesn’t it? Oh! How I pray that I will live each day resting in Christ AND striving for Christ too.

BTW—If you’re not yet on the RZIM Devotional Email List, I hope you’ll sign up because OH MY STARS! But Jill Carattini hit it out the park again today with her essay, "A Different Night." I’ll tempt you with her excerpt of a John Donne poem (a poet, by the way, that had a huge impact on me right before God saved me as a teenager) and hope that you’ll click through and read the entire post. It’s very worth your time.

"O most gracious God, on this sickbed I feel under your correction, and I taste of humiliation, but let me taste of consolation, too. Once this scourge has persuaded us that we are nothing of ourselves, may it also persuade us that you are all things unto us....

When your Son cried out “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” you reached out your hand not to heal his sad soul, but to receive his holy soul. Neither did he desire to hold it from you, but surrendered it to you.

I see your hand upon me now, O Lord, and I ask not why it comes or what it intends. Whether you will bid my soul to stay in this body for some time, or meet you this day in paradise, I ask not. My true healing lies in silent and absolute obedience to your will, even before I know it. Preserve that obedience, O my God, and that will preserve me to you."

G'nite and much love,
Tara B.

Melodee is back to blogging over at The RadleyPorch and I’m so happy she is. Oh! How I would love to borrow her brain for just a few minutes to know even HALF of what she knows about literature and music and faith and, well, just life. She is a beautiful young woman, but her beauty has a depth to it that I truly admire (and I’ve done so since I first met her when she was just a teenager!).

But in my exuberance over Melodee, I’ve wandered a bit from what I was meaning to write in this post ...

(Who me? Lose my train of thought? Shocking.)

It was her post, “Hunger for Heaven”, that got me thinking about so many things this morning:

- One of the commenters on the True Woman post, “What if I Can’t Have Children” (who shared not just about struggling with infertility but struggling with bitterness toward God and her husband because it is her HUSBAND who is infertile, not her; so now SHE has to go through life without biological children even though her body seems to work just fine);

- A member of our church who is very, very sick with cancer

- One of my dearest friends who is feeling very isolated and lonely these days

(AND ...)

- How sweet Ella’s smiles and giggles and cooing are and how she can rouse me out of even my deepest funk by just being HER

- What a grace it was this morning that God gave me the conviction and courage to talk with Fred about some of my (most embarrassing and frustrating!) ongoing heart struggles

- Just how much I admire both of my pastor’s wives (how consistently and humbly they live real faith in real life; how they bear up under unjust suffering because they are conscious of God; how loving and gracious and giving they are) and how much I enjoy just being around them

Such is life in a fallen world.

Suffering. Happiness. Struggles. JOY. Loneliness. Real relationship.

Melodee’s post was spot on re: suffering in this life, glimpses of eternity, and our True Home. I encourage you to read the entire post, but here is just a tiny excerpt wherein she quoted the CS Lewis book, “The Last Battle”:

"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this."

The things we love most in this life; the innocent pleasures we truly enjoy (without stain or guilt); the most safe, loved, and accepted we have ever felt at any time ... they are all glimpses of Heaven. We love them because they look (and feel and smell and taste) a little like our Real Home.

Oh! How I can’t wait to get there.

Thanks for blogging again, Melodee!

Gratefully,
Tara B.

Sophia and I are sad today and prayerful as we are striving to be content with something, ummmm, inconvenient and frustrating that is happening to our family.

(It’s really “no big deal”—not a child with cancer or the loss of a parent or something truly serious. But we are sad nonetheless and asking God to help us to trust Him and be content with whatever He provides.)

Our challenge is related to this:



(The gorgeous, fun (we like to jump in the leaves!), majestic tree that graces our living room view.)

All because of this:



(Some bumpy sidewalks.)

The city is going to do this:



(Cut it down.)

Again ... I want to note that both Sophia and I know it’s not “real” suffering. But we will miss our beautiful tree and life-affirming GREEN view in the spring when the leaves come in and GOLDEN view in the fall when autumn chills the stems.

(And I will really miss taking traditional fall-leaf-filled photos of the girls and our Goldens!)



But the Lord really does know best—even (especially!) regarding these tiny, every-day little losses. And it’s been a good opportunity for me to remind Sophia about God-ordained authority and how the city has the power and right to take the tree down (cf. Romans 13), even after we made a respectful appeal that they not do so.

And so, we’re preparing to say goodbye to our lovely tree. I assume it will be completely gone by next week at the latest. What a bummer.

But what a good God we have! And what a blessing that we have had eyes to see this creation of His for nine years now.

Hope your Wednesday has gone well for you! I heard a loud noise around 4AM and couldn’t get back to sleep—so I’ve had a productive, but tiring day. Just about to nurse Eleanor right now ...

Blessings to you,
Tara B.

The other day, I was listening to a piece of music that I truly enjoy when suddenly it hit me:

"I don’t think I’ve been really happy ever since the first time I heard this music, years ago."

What a horrible thought! I have such an easy and blessed life. I was terribly ashamed to even admit such a thought to Fred when he got home that night. But of course I did.

Something visceral, deep, shocking, painful, and confusing was activated in my heart and mind when I heard that music. (Smells do the same thing at times, don’t they? Bring us back to something, someone, somewhere in our past and flood us with strong emotions we hadn’t anticipated in that moment.)

I don’t have any answers for you as I share about this experience. But it has been a good (painful, but real) process of thinking, praying, talking, and crying as I’ve tried to understand better what the Lord is revealing to me and how He is calling me to respond in faith.

One aspect of my struggle, I believe, has to do simply with the fact that I was hurt by people I trusted. Christians I trusted. Ostensibly mature, trustworthy, godly Christians, to whom I opened my heart and my life, and was hurt.

In my youth, I simply wasn’t prepared for that.

Up until that time, I had been tremendously hurt by family members, friends, and people I didn’t know very well. I had failed in pretty much every arena of life (educationally, professionally, relationally). I had made every mistake in the book and was extremely immature (spiritually, emotionally, socially).

But still. I simply wasn’t prepared for the life-altering, crushing shock of being so tremendously hurt by the very people I trusted and loved the most.

And how did I respond?

Survival. A lot of my initial response was barely trying to scratch and crawl myself to the surface of my despair to even take a gasp of a breath and stay alive. This season went on for a LONG time.

Anger. Some was legitimate; but most was self-centered and graceless.

Bitterness. When anger turns that ugly corner into sinful, lasting resentment, jealousy, judgment ... bitterness.

Terror. How would I live? How would I survive? Everything is ruined. There is no place to go. There is no safe place for me.

Self-protection. I will never be able to risk again. Trust again. Love again. ("Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me ...")

Repentance. Oh yeah! God is still God. I am called to turn away from myself, my circumstance, the other people. I am called to repent, confess, and trust that I am forgiven. And then? I worship the One True and Living God.

Grief (with Hope). It is appropriate (and necessary!) to grieve both for MY sins and the sins done to me. Weep, wail, mourn. Cry and cry and then cry some more. Don’t stuff it down! Don’t pretend it’s not there. Christianity doesn’t call us to be stoics and “fake it.” Grieve! With hope. One day, it’s not going to feel like this any more. It’s not going to BE like this any more. One Good Day, there will be no more pain and suffering. And even in this life, more than likely, we will have seasons that don’t feel this horrible too.

Growth. Ah! Nothing like abject failure, complete rejection and abandonment, extreme loneliness, and a paralyzing inability to change our circumstance to help us to grow, eh? Might sound extreme, but even the lesser foundation is true, don’t you think? I know that I still have so far to go in sanctification, but oh! There is nothing like growth through failure and suffering. I’m 39 years old now and I’m beginning to wonder if we ever really grow at all in any other circumstances?

I could keep going, but Ella is stirring on my chest and I think we’re about to be greeted by our Big Sissy Sophia and I want to give her my attention and snuggles (in another room so Fred can keep sleeping).

But first, let me share a link with you to the RZIM “Slice of Infinity” from this morning that inspired me to think about these things (again) and also was the inspiration for the title. You’ll have to read the devotional to find out why:

The Struggle with Perspective

Let me tempt you with just a snippet:

"When hope fades, cynicism is often waiting in the wings. And this is indeed one of the great challenges of our time. Skepticism (there is nothing good and I know it) and cynicism (I can’t trust anybody or anything and I know this) seem reasonable choices. But is this a necessary outcome or orientation for us? I think not ...

The Scriptures open up for us a view of the world that is very different. There is a God. This God is the creator, and He is personal, loving, willful, and particular. We see that despite being a good creation, a disruption and disorder has occurred and the drama of redemption unfolds. But the central character here is God! It is what God does, whom God appoints, and what God decides that makes the difference. Now please don’t go rushing to theological dictionaries or well-entrenched beliefs to determine “whose” side I’m on in terms of God’s purpose and human will. I’ll tell you. I believe in both.

I have seen too much, experienced too much, read too much, and pondered too much to believe that my choices are determined, socially conditioned, or illusory. I believe they are real. However, I have also seen too much, experienced too much, read too much, and pondered too much to believe that they are, as Lewis would say, “the whole show.” History is not a fatalist’s game. Humans do act, and often with serious and sad outcomes. The good news is that we are not alone! Writing to the Romans, the apostle Paul reminded them that hope is real because it is anchored in one who is able to carry it, sustain it, and fulfill it (Romans 8:24-25; 28-30). History is moving to an end, and the Bible offers a good end. Thus, the difference between optimism (short term and easily overcome) and hope (eternal and anchored) is where they are rooted. One leans on human effort; the other rests in God and God’s promises."

Amen & Amen!

My tears are flowing as I type this. Apparently, God is graciously helping me to grieve a little more so that I can experience His wonderfulness a little more.

It hurts! But I’m hopeful.

(And, yes, of course, I have much to be grateful for and be HAPPY about too. I am well aware. I hope it doesn’t offend too many of you when I share of my regular struggles ... I know that I “should” be different. But here is my hope! God IS making me different. It’s just quite a process for ol' Tara.)

Soph’s climbing onto my lap, so I need to scoot now—

Sending my love,
Tara B.

If you follow me on FaceBook then you know that I had a little melt-down yesterday. No biggie ... I just cried and cried for the first time in months in response to some of those overwhelming emotions that occasionally crash over me. It didn’t last and I wouldn’t have even mentioned it on my little FB “update” thingy except that a) sometimes people have a strange, misconstrued notion that my little life at home with Sophie is some sort of constantly-happy-maternal-bliss; and b) I really did melt down and any other “status update” would’ve just been completely disingenuous.

Why I’m even mentioning all of this is because today’s RZIM Slice of Infinity – Alienation and Restoration speaks so beautifully to some of the loneliness I was feeling yesterday, that I wanted to be sure to share it with you.

Consider a brief excerpt by J.M. Njoroge’s insightful essay:

"But when we are properly related to the True Shepherd who calls his sheep by name, loneliness is infused with great hope as we, with Abraham, look “forward to the city with foundations whose architect and builder is God” (Hebrews 11:10). We become members of God’s extended family. Day by day, we learn to trust God as we travel with others along a heavily trodden path that never disappoints. Friends and relatives may desert us, but we are never alone. We may grieve, but never like those without hope. We have peace and joy within, and even in our own hour of need, others can still find their way to God through us. The alternative is a crippling sense of isolation and alienation within a worldly system whose offerings, however sophisticated and well-intentioned, can never arouse us from spiritual death."

I hope you will click through and enjoy the entire devotional.

Blessings on your Thursday!
This is the day that the Lord has made—

Rejoicingly,
Tara B.

PS
Soph has constructed QUITE a fort in our living room ... perfect for listening to the unabridged Narnia CDs (and the Focus on the Family version too!) all while reading the actual books OR the world’s COOLEST NARNIA CHRONOLOGY ever!

Last night, as we finished 1 Samuel 20 in our family devotions, Sophie began to weep. She just couldn’t bear the thought that such good friends as Jonathan and David had to be separated because of the sins and wickedness of Saul.

As I held her and comforted her, we had a great discussion about many important things:

- How the way of the sinner really is hard; it is a path of death.

- That one person’s sin really does affect many more people than just that one person. Our discussion actually reminded me of a mediation case I served on involving adultery. I will never forget the gaunt, stricken, life-turned-inside-out devastation written on the wife’s face. She was striving to trust God in the midst of the horror; but OH! She was suffering as the result of her husband’s sin.

- That it is OK, it is good to cry over such things. Life in a fallen world is painful. This world is Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be. We’re not called to be stoics. We weep. We grieve.

- But, as Christians, we grieve with hope because we know that One Good Day, Jesus will return and make everything right again. This was particularly encouraging to Sophie as we talked. Even through her wobbly tears, her eyes had a small glint of happiness as she talked about Jesus returning with trumpets, splitting the sky in two. No more sin. No more sorrow. No more having to say goodbye to loved ones. It was just so good to be able to comfort her, really comfort her, with truth. We didn’t have to baby her ("There, there ...") or give her some sort of sentimental platitude. We didn’t just distract her from the true sadness of this true story.

Instead, we encouraged her to cry when she feels sad. ("Even Jesus wept ...") To reflect a bit on what happened to make the situation so tragic and sad. (Was it simply life in a fallen world? Or was it the ramification of sin?) And to remember the Lord in the midst of it—His goodness, greatness, sovereignty, power, and redemptive love.

(Oh! How grateful I am to be a Christian as I parent our little love-bug.)

Hope your 4th of July was a blessed one—

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
For a profound article on grieving with hope, I encourage you to read Dr. Paul Tripp’s Grief Finding Hope Again.

Have you read Bryan Chapell’s book, “Praying Backwards: Transform Your Prayer Life by Beginning in Jesus' Name”? It came out the same year as Judy’s and my book (Peacemaking Women), so I was blessed to get a free copy from Dr. Chapell at a Baker Book House dinner.

I remember as I first read it how, unlike many other books on prayer that I have read, I actually stopped and PRAYED more AS I read it. In fact, even as I picked it up again this morning to enjoy a little re-read, my heart was instantly drawn to pray. And so I did. I prayed in thanksgiving to God for Who He is, His wonderful attributes, and His care. I prayed for Fred (who didn’t make it home from Peacemakers until after midnight!) and for Sophie’s and my day. I even prayed for this blog entry I would write.

So ... why does a little book help me in prayer (an area of life, by the way, that I could really use some help in)? Historically, I have often found sermons, books, articles, and conversations on prayer FASCINATING ... but I have lived for long stretches as a quite prayerless Christian. This is to my shame.

The bottomline is that, like the great preacher he is, Dr. Chapell exposits Scripture with keen insights and practical, applicable, real-life examples. And any time I understand Scripture better, I see Christ. And when I see Christ, I want to pray.

Let me give you just a few examples from Chapters 5 and 6. One of the verses he expounds is Philippians 4:6:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:6)

He teaches extensively on praying boldly as a child of God (empowered prayer as the identity of a son, imposing prayer, pervasive prayer in small matters and great matters, miraculous prayer). And then he tells the story of a time when he was a teenager, working alongside of an older man, racing to hammer drywall in place for the seam sealers who were coming to remodel a church building.

"At one point he dropped a nail and backed away from the wall to find it. I waited while he circled the floor once and then again for the nail.

Finally, I said, “Why don’t you just get another nail?”

“I just prayed that God would help me find that nail so no one would step on it,” he said, “and I feel like I owe it to him to look for it a bit.”

“You prayed about finding a nail?” I asked. “Maybe we ought to save prayer for things a little bit bigger.”

“Oh no, Bryan,” he said. “The Bible says ‘in everything, by prayer and petition ... present your requests to God.’”

This man did not know the Greek languages of the New Testament or the intricacies of systematic theology, but he understood biblical prayer. Through him I learned that a consistent prayer life brings to God matters both large and small. My friend knew could bother God with little things because he knew his Father in heaven encourages us to pray about everything."

So does that mean that God always gives us what we pray for? No. As he goes on in the next chapter to illustrate with stories from the life of George Mueller.

(If you’re not aware of who George Mueller is, he ran an orphanage that saved thousands of children in the 1800’s and he never asked for any funds. “He simply prayed for their needs and God had always supplied.”)

"Mueller’s biographer says the minister wrote down prayer requests because he believed a permanent record of specific prayers and answers helps accumulate “evidence in our own experience that God is to us personally a prayer-hearing God.” In his lifetime, Mueller recorded fifty thousand answers to specific prayers ...

Mueller’s oft-cited expectancy of God’s intervention was not a presumptive confidence in God’s doing all that the one praying asked. Mueller used Jesus' name with the expectation that God would answer in the way that most glorified the Savior.

Maintaining such expectation must have been difficult after some of Mueller’s prayers. During the same time that God was repeatedly rescuing children through the orphanage, Mueller’s own child was stillborn, and his wife became grievously ill. Through the course of his life, Mueller buried two stillborn children, a one-year old son, and adult daughter, and two wives.

Why would God allow such vastly different responses to prayer? Until we are with him, we will not know. But now we can know his divine character, and we can trust the One who provided Jesus for us to listen to us and to do the best for our eternity and his glory." (emphasis mine)

That last paragraph reminded me of a time, twenty years ago, when a friend of mine was suffering horrifically with end-stage cancer. In a Sunday school class, her husband asked through his tears WHY God would allow this. Many people sought to comfort him, reminding him of God’s goodness and sovereignty, trying to point out good things, etc.

But the teacher of the class, a man who had also lived through inexplicable suffering in his life, responded thusly:

"I don’t know."

And then he held the man as they weeped.

I think that is an illustration of why I titled this post the way I did. It’s from an old Spurgeon quote that you probably know:

"I never pray more than five minutes at a time, but I never go five minutes without praying."

Why? Because God is a relational God. He doesn’t just save a generic class of “people.” He saves his children, his child, YOU. An individual. With fears, joys, quirks, concerns, happiness, gifts, worry, delight. He cares about YOU. He cares about ME. And we stay “connected” to God, we grow close to God, we trust God even when we don’t have a CLUE as to what He is doing, as we bring to him even the small ("insignificant") details of life. Because, isn’t that just like a REAL FRIEND or an INVOLVED PARENT? You know, the person who actually wraps his arms around you and doesn’t judge you or try to fix you, but just weeps with you? Stays close to you? Stays in touch with you and WANTS to know about the “little things” because that keeps your hearts knitted together so that you know who to call at 2AM when the “big things” come?

That’s prayer.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

Every once in awhile, I am given a great gift by an author or publishing firm and asked to review either a manuscript for endorsement or a final book for promotion.

As a bibliophile who is REALLY trying to stay on budget and NOT buy as many books (!!), receiving manuscripts and books in the mail is like a teeny bit of Christmas in a Media Mail envelope. I love it.

I particularly love it when I can not only whole-heartedly recommend the books for others—but I, myself, am edified, encouraged, and helped along this journey of growing in grace. What gifts these brilliant, articulate, biblical, winsome authors have!

I am happy to recommend the two books that came to me this week:

Counsel from the Cross: Connecting Broken People to the Love of Christ (by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and Dennis E. Johnson)

Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow (by Nancy Guthrie)

Some of you may recall that I blogged about “Counsel from the Cross” earlier in the year. It is fantastic. Buy it. Share it with your friends and church leaders who interact with broken people (that’s all of us, right?). You won’t regret it. It is RICH with the gospel, biblical, and PRACTICAL for real life.

This is what they published of my endorsement:

"Counsel from the Cross is a treasure of gospel-proclaiming, biblical, and practical help for every person striving to grow in grace and help others to do the same. Professional counselors, church leaders, and laypeople will all benefit from the accessible case studies drawn from the authors’ decades of experience ministering to real people in real situations. This is no mere how-to manual. If seemingly hopeless cycles of sin and immaturity are tempting you to wonder if real change is even possible, Counsel from the Cross is just the book to encourage you and help you to remember both what the gospel declares about us and what it demands of us."

This was my first reading of Nancy Guthrie’s wonderful book, Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow, but I found it to be honest, personal, profound, and Christ-exaltingly helpful. I am quite sure that the next time I am crushed by sorrow (or striving to minister to someone who is suffering), I will turn to it again. The discussion questions at the end of the book (one set for each chapter) lend themselves particularly well for friend/lay counseling or study in a group setting.

I would write more but it’s late and I’m beat. Plus, I’m feeling a TINY bit out of sorts because my entire pack (save Ella) is currently sleeping OUTSIDE in my BACKYARD in a daddy-daughter camping adventure:





I miss them, but I am THRILLED to be parking my 9-month-pregnant bod in our exceedingly comfortable bed that is ten steps away from our (I’ll be visiting it at least eight times tonight) bathroom. No sleeping on the ground for me, no sir.

G'nite and God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

Believe it or not, I don’t actually spend that much time participating in online “communities.” I honestly have a hard enough time being a slightly functional member of my REAL community, so I’ve just never really gotten into chat rooms, discussion threads, or whatever it is you young people call the land of internet “relationships.”

But one night this weekend, I peeked in on a “July 2009 Baby” thread of a pregnancy website, just to see what the various discussions were about, and I found a very sad, very disturbing one written by a young woman who is, apparently, extremely distraught and angry because not enough people came to her baby shower.

I don’t want to go into too many details, but suffice it to say, this woman is MAD and ANGRY and DEPRESSED and has written off every single “friend” who was invited, but didn’t show. (And the vast majority of the comments back from the discussion thread really encouraged her to BE mad and STAY mad and GIVE UP on those “so called friends” because who needs them, etc. etc.)

Of course, a part of me WAS sad for her because of the low turn out at her baby shower. It’s an awkward and unpleasant thing to be having your first child and not have people support you and celebrate with you. (I once helped to throw a baby shower for a woman in grad school. Two of us threw the shower. One woman was pregnant. And there were a total of FOUR people actually at the shower. I still cringe when I think about it.)

But at the same time, I was mostly sad because OH MY STARS such a situation is SO not worthy of giving over to such anger, rage, bitterness, and breaching of relationship. I mean, really. There is a LOT of suffering in life. It’s hard enough not to be bitter over the REAL things that crush us. But to be this angry because you didn’t get “enough” cute outfits or diapers for your newborn? Yeep! It seems to me that is losing sight of what really matters in life—and if you have clean clothes, fresh water, and sufficient nutrition to make momma milkies or buy formula for your baby? Well! THAT’S WEALTH. Something to be GRATEFUL for, or at least it seems so to me.

This point was driven home at church yesterday morning when a very special man stood during the prayer time to give a very brief (in number of words) but slightly lengthy (because it takes a LONG time for him to form any syllables or words due to a catastrophic stroke he had as a young (fifty-something) man a few years ago) PRAISE REPORT.

He said that he was a sinner, but that God forgives him every day.
And then he said how excited he was to know and serve God.

And then he sat down.

This is a man who helped to found our church and served faithfully for YEARS as one of our ruling elders.
He was also a beloved family physician in our small community for decades.

(Oh, and his quick mind used to overflow into incredibly quick words that made us all LAUGH AND LAUGH during his opening of the church service’s announcements, emceeing of church banquets and talent shows, and just being around him, sharing his friendship and love.)

But now, since the stroke, you really have to stop. Slow down. And take TIME to even just share a casual greeting with him.
Sophia and Ella will have to wait until Heaven to be regaled by his quick wit and humor.

Has he suffered? Of course.
How about his family? More than I’m sure I could ever imagine.

But he stands and gives praise to God.

Their lives are testimonies of the brevity of this life, the goodness of God, and the hope and assurance we have that the Next Life is our Real Home. And nothing is gained by giving over to bitterness.

May God help me to live such a life of love—out of gratitude for Christ’s love for me.

Blessings on your Monday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Pastor Jollyblogger linked over to this photo essay and, well, through my tears I just had to post it for you too.

Hope your Thursday was a good one —

I enjoyed so many blessings–but I think I may be physically pushing a little too hard this week. (I write that on my way to bring the fourth load of laundry up three flights of stairs.) But I feel no complaint! I’m just trying to figure out how high I might need to just let the piles on my dining room table grow ...

Joy to you,
Tara B.

PS
Please please please use CAUTION and only poke around this photo essay site if you are comfortable with VERY ADULT MATERIAL. Out of curiosity, I clicked through to some of the other essays and honestly? I wish I hadn’t! There are EXTREMELY DISTURBING photos of drug addiction, torture, and disfigurement that I wish I had never seen. But you have to go and intentionally look around to view them. If you only click on the link above and look at that essay, you will not see the other photos.

As our Sunday wore on (and maybe my exhaustion contributed to my emotional state?), I was surprised at how sad I was that Soph missed out on all of the Palm Sunday choir fun.

What a TINY thing in the scope of real life! But there I was, bummed.

Sophie felt almost instantaneously better physically and had a remarkably chipper attitude about the whole thing – especially given the fact that she had practiced the words and sign language for pretty much every single day for a month. So I asked her:

"Sophia, I am really happy that you have such a cheerful attitude about missing out on the Kids' choir this morning. But I’m just wondering WHY you aren’t upset about it. Do you mind telling me?"

To which she replied ...

“Well, I’m really happy that it wasn’t WORSE. I’m really happy that I didn’t get sick DURING the choir up on the stage because that would’ve been really hard and really embarrassing. Plus, I guess God must have had a reason. And I keep singing in my heart ... all things work together for GOOD for those who love GOD!”

(That’s a song that her wonderful Sunday School teachers have taught her.)

I was a) encouraged; and b) convicted by the theology applied to real life of my five year old. (I was still a little sad, though. Just to be honest. But it’s OK to be sad when disappointing things happen! That’s life in a fallen world.) By the end of the day, though, I was thinking more about how happy I was that all of the other children had such a good experience. (AND how happy I was that she hadn’t thrown up DURING the song. )

Hope your Monday is a blessed one! We’re having a quiet day at home (for obvious reasons).

Yours,
Tara B.

I don’t really know why I’m thinking about old C.S. Lewis quotes on grief and anxiety right now. I actually had a very sweet, domestic-diva-Tara day consisting of a violin lesson for Sophia, a playdate, a trip to the cookie store for a sweet for my sweet, and fun at the once-a-year-circus too:



(Front row on the elephant. Super cool!)

And yet ... and yet ...

Up again after, I’m assuming, one REM cycle – which seems to be my exhausting and pretty annoying habit these days – these were the three quotes from the genius C.S. Lewis that struck me as I’ve sat here reading:

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."

“Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”

“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.”

So true. So true.

As someone who is prone to fear ... (I really appreciated when Ed Welch described himself as a “fear specialist” in his excellent book, Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest. I could relate!) ... I am really praying for wisdom and grace to a) not default to GUILT over fear and anxiety; b) not default to ESCAPISM when that tight-chest-feeling overwhelms me; and c) learn what it means to “share in the passion of Christ” and LIVE LIFE in a fallen world.

Moment by moment. Breath by breath. Grateful, but not enamored with this life. Content, but really? Looking FORWARD with hope and expectation to the next life–when our real life begins.

I hope your Friday is not one of grief or anxiety! But if it is, that even in your suffering, you will have hope.

Your friend,
Tara B.

PS
Sorry I don’t have the citations for these Lewis quotes, but I don’t.

We’ve had a lovely day and hope you have too ...

Ours started with a prenatal appointment and the happiness of a teeny-tiny-little-18-week-heart beating away at 160 bpm. What a grace that sound is!

Then Sophie and I baked Fred’s mom’s famous blonde brownies (yum!) for our Bible study. I think my favorite part is wearing our matching aprons.

Our afternoon ended with a nice time at women’s Bible study and a quick trip over to the Peacemaker offices to distribute the left over brownies and now I’m about to have a little rest before Fred gets home.

Before I do, however, I thought I’d share with you a little peek into how sappy my heart can be at times ...

Years (I mean, YEARS!) ago – I could actually say DECADES ago – when I was still a teenager, I found an old book of poetry in a used bookstore. The title of the book is, “Poems that Touch the Heart” and it is now completely filled with post it notes from where I’ve tagged my favorites.

Many of them are quite sentimental and I have to admit that I only go back to them at certain times. But when I do, I am usually blessed–especially because (like many books) I associate them with different seasons and challenges in my life. Even with some of the squishy theology, I know that God did minister His grace to me through them at various times over the years.

So ... I’ll close this post with a poem by Grace Noll Crowell entitled, “I Think That God is Proud”:

I think that God is proud of those who bear
A sorrow bravely–proud indeed of them
Who walk straight through the dark to find Him there,
And kneel in faith to touch His garment’s hem.
Oh, proud of them who lift their heads to shake
Away the tears from eyes that have grown dim,
Who tighten quivering lips and turn to take
The only road they know that leads to Him.

How proud He must be of them–He who knows
All sorrow, and how hard grief is to bear!
I think He sees them coming, and He goes
With outstretched arms and hands to meet them there,
And with a look, a touch on hand or head,
Each finds his hurt heart strangely comforted.

Praying that you are “strangely comforted” this day by the One Who knows your pain and sorrow–and so much more!–and loves you with an everlasting love.

Your friend,
Tara B.

I’ve been very lonely lately. Extremely lonely. Wondering if anyone in the whole world would even notice if I were gone lonely.

As I look back on the seasons when I am prone to feel this way, I see a relatively clear pattern:

1. I am trying to get something done that requires effort beyond my normal wifely and motherly duties and I need help. Writing a book, doing a video series, preparing a new teaching, helping my elders with a mediation ... whatever it is, I need a) encouragement and prayer; b) uninterrupted time to think, prep, pray, reflect; and c) help with my beloved Sophia so that she has somewhere safe and loved to be while I work on these little temporary projects.

2. My efforts to run errands for friends, help take care of young children for friends, write a note, make a call don’t change (and usually I just loved that part of my life!), but it’s at times like these that I feel the weight of the non-reciprocity in my life. Usually that’s OK! I don’t help and serve to be helped and served ... no way! But sometimes, I just LONG for a friend. A spiritual mother or grandmother. Someone who actually cares about our family and WANTS to help.

3. Taking a chance, I DO reach out to someone for help. Maybe it’s just a baby step. A small request. But I DO try–to see if maybe I COULD receive help from someone. And I am rejected–sometimes with an awkward conversation in which I feel so judged and criticized because I’m so OBVIOUSLY not measuring up to the person’s standard in any way that I take care of my domestic duties. Ouch!

4. It’s all just too hard, so I retreat into my little world (where Fred helps and helps and I don’t sleep much and I just try to push through and get 'er done). But, of course, I feel very lonely. And tired.

Not very fun, eh?

BUT ... there is always grace for the day. TRULY.

And even in the midst of my exhaustion and stress (which only adds to these feelings of rejection and being “all alone”), even I can see that there are many examples where I am NOT alone. A friend who says happily and without guilt, “Bring Sophie on over! We’d love to have a morning with her.” A friend who has many, many burdens to bear on her own (so I’M reticent to take her at her word) who says, “I’d like to be a help to YOU too, Tara.”

And most of all ... God is real and He loves me and He really does give me everything I need. Everything. (Our new women’s Bible study, Continue to Live in Him: Ten Studies in Colossians and Philemon by Kathleen Nielson, is helping me to remember the sweetness of this truth!)

Oh, and of course these “trying” times also give Fred and me pause to continue to pray and seek godly counsel as to whether we should even be TRYING to have me do ANYTHING beyond my normal homemaking duties. (Because we are very aware that maybe we shouldn’t.)

In past years, I could just PAY someone to help me. But with the mandatory paycuts at Fred’s work and the “hardly any paid events because of the baby” year ahead of us, we simply don’t have that ability. (Plus, of course, paying someone for childcare or cleaning help is very different from a friend voluntarily saying, “Oh! You were away serving at something related to our church for no pay and at your own expense? Here, let me sneak into your home and vacuum and dust and give you a clean sheet day to come home to.” That kind of thing just makes you feel LOVED, doesn’t it? That’s the kind of thing that I like to do ...)

But now I’m just rambling. And probably WHINING–which isn’t good. I don’t want to be a whiner! I want to be a joyful, GRATEFUL girl.

So I’ll close with a quote from today’s RZIM Slice of Infinity wherein Margaret Manning quotes Bonhoeffer:

"Christ’s vicarious deeds and particularly his death on our behalf, become in turn the principle and model of the self-sacrifice that makes community possible... [T]he church is the church only when it exists for others."

This is my prayer–that I will not fixate on MYSELF and how people have treated me and how I feel in response. But I will do what I can to encourage a gospel-breathed community where we ALL go around so focused on “existing for others” that we don’t have time to sit around and feel lonely.

(Well, we’ll feel lonely at times of course. But we won’t wallow in it or give in to despair, criticism, and judgment. We won’t respond based on how we FEEL but we will be like Jesus Who was abandoned by His closest friends at His most vulnerable time; betrayed by one of His closest friends ... and gave Himself willingly for them all.)

Hope you have a blessed Tuesday!! I’m off to pack some lunches now–

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Soph TOTALLY cracked me up yesterday when Fred and I were cuddling with her in bed and, all snuggled into me, she said, "Mom, you’re all SQUISHY. Like playdoh or clay. Dad’s hard. I’m hard. But you’re SQUISHY." You know what? She said it with so much love and so much innocence, that my “buns of playdoh” weren’t insulted at all.

I am continuing to stay on schedule for my little Blogging the Institutes adventure and hope that some of you are too.

I’ve found it to be very worth my time, and very hard too. I haven’t had to concentrate on every line, every paragraph, every transition like this since law school. Plus, I haven’t had to pick up and carry a book this HEAVY since law school, so I’m out of shape in two ways–mentally and physically.

But I do love it. I love how hard it is to read and how many new words I am forced to learn because I simply have no idea what they mean.

I love see even richer, deeper source material brought out and explained. Something deep inside of me resonates with the truths contained therein–and I am grateful.

I am also tempted to QUIT whenever I look at the ENTIRE SIZE OF THE BOOK! It’s just crazy to think that I could possibly read all 1,000 pages.

But then, I take my eyes off of the size of the book and put them on the Lord, praying for His grace, thanking Him for His care; and I set my eyes on five brief readings for this one week. And I think, “I can do that!” And I do.

It’s just so edifying.

Like my reading this morning ... paragraph 1 of Chapter 17 reminds us that “all things are divinely ordained”; "God takes care of the whole human race, but is especially vigilant in governing the church, which he favors with a closer inspection."

“But it was one brief example about the works of God being made manifest in him when calamity takes precedence even of birth. Our carnal sense murmurs as if God were unmerciful in thus afflicting those who have not offended. But Christ declares that provided we had eyes clear enough, we should perceive that in this spectacle the glory of his Father is brightly displayed. We must use modesty, not as it were compelling God to render an account, but so revering his hidden judgments as to account his will the best of all reasons.”

I guess that just strikes so close to home as our child in utero is large enough now to affect pretty much every single thing I do (and can no longer do)–so I am constantly mindful of him or her.

And even as Sophia creates decorations and invitations to “The Baby Party!!” that she wants to throw when the baby comes home in July–I still hold back,wondering ... will this child actually live? Be healthy? Actually come into our little home and family?

Only the Lord knows, of course, but our family has already shifted in size as is shown by Sophie’s joyful dancing and kissing yesterday ...

I love you Mom! (Kiss Kiss Kiss)
I love you baby! (Kiss Kiss Kiss on the BELLY)
I love you our baby in Heaven! (Kiss Kiss Kiss up to the air towards Heaven)
I love you, Lilikoi (Fuzzy Kiss Fuzzy Kiss Fuzzy Kiss)
And I love you, Daddy, at work (Air Kiss, Air Kiss, Air Kiss).
I love our entire family!!

As do I.
No matter what

“By faith I account his will the best of all reasons.”

And with that, I am going to try to sleep. Again.

Blessings to you all, my friends!

Please bear with me as my low energy days are coming more and more frequently now–yet I MUST persevere in prepping to speak at these three conferences next month. (Hard to do when all you want to do is climb under the covers from exhaustion–and even harder, then, when sleep does not come.)

Hence the 2AM blog.

I’m heading back to bed now–

Sending you my love,
Tara B.

I had a long, hard–but good–day of work yesterday preparing to teach my, “Persevering with Grace when Our Leaders Let Us Down” workshop for a conference next month.

It was extremely painful to listen to and re-read examples of people being so horribly hurt within the church–but also so encouraging and edifying to be reminded of their perseverance, even in the midst of extreme suffering.

I’m still working to draw my material to a coherent whole (that builds to an “X” and hopefully clearly articulates and explains some God-exalting, biblically-faithful, helpful ideas). But in the interim, I wanted to share with you a few of my random notes:

- One of the most common idols in relational strife is justice. Justice is a good thing, but often we want it too much. And when we don’t get it—we think we’re justified in our bitterness.

- Joy cannot coexist with bitterness.

- I once attended a workshop by Pastor Dennis Reiter entitled, “Wounded in the Church.” During the workshop he defined “woundedness” as: “People are wounded in their soul when they perceive there has been a significant act or an accumulation of acts against them that involve: 1. Violation of justice and/or 2. Absence or withdrawal of love.” Where have you been wounded? Where are you wounding others? Withdrawing your love?

- Luke 7:47: “He who is forgiven little, forgives little.”

- CS Lewis: “love is risky business,” “love makes us vulnerable,” and, “the only way to keep your heart intact is to give your heart to no one–not even an animal.” People WILL let you down. LOVE ANYWAY. You will NOT grow and change if you isolate yourself from REAL relationships.

- Remember the possibilities of grace! People have rough edges (“areas in need of further sanctification”)We blunder! But God’s grace enables us to persevere.

- “Our momentary and light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.” 2 Corinthians 4:17 (Doesn’t FEEL light OR momentary!)

- It is a lifelong event to forgive—we cannot just say, “I forgive you” once and move on. Turning away from bitterness, living in mercy and forgiving over and over again, these acts of obedience and faith remind us how much we need the Savior. Only His grace and love could ever enable us to love as He has loved us. (John 13:34-36).

- 1 John 4:19-21: “We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar ..."

I’ll close with this example ...

One day I was struggling again to persevere in love, with grace, toward people in the church who had truly betrayed and rejected me. My heart was raw! And I did NOT want to persevere.

I was miserable and my conversation with Fred went something like this:

“But if I forgive them, then won’t I be giving up the one thing I have on them?”

“What do you mean?”, Fred asked.

“Well, I can’t hurt them like they’ve hurt me or restore what was taken from me (I don’t have the power, resources, or authority to do so). I can’t make them understand the depth of suffering they’ve caused me and cause them to grow in compassion and love. I can’t force them to change or grow or help me during my times of desperate need.”

“The one thing I have on them is this ... I can withhold myself from them. That’s it –- that’s my ace in the hole, my one card to play.”

“And if I truly forgive them and allow them to enter into my life and heart again ... allow myself to have real relationship with them ... pray for God’s blessings on them ... then what do I have?”

“Tara," Fred responded with love and care and gentleness (even though he knew it would break me down into weeping again), "Then you will be living out the grace you have lavishly received and giving that grace to them. You will be praying for those who mistreat you. You will have the blessings of obedience.”

Yup. That’s what I would have.

And even though it KILLS me, it is enough.

(I’m already dead anyway, right? This life is not my own. I no longer live but Christ lives in me. What can you do to a dead man?)

“As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.” He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” Luke 11:27-28

Praying that you will NOT be hurt by your fellow Christian today!

But if you are ... that God will help to guard your heart from the destructive poison of bitterness.

With tears and prayers and love,
Tara B.

I don’t know how your day is going, but I’m having a Psalm 55 kind of day around here.

Are you familiar with Psalm 55? Have you ever been really hurt by someone that you used to respect and trust? Someone you called a friend and opened your heart to, only to be judged, condemned, and ultimately rejected by them?

(And do you ever find that for reasons beyond your control you have to KEEP being hurt by them?)

Well, if so, Psalm 55 is for YOU! Please grab your Bible and jump right into it all.

Here are a few excerpts to get you started:

"Give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy! Attend to me, and answer me; I am restless in my complaint and I moan, because of the noise of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked. For they drop trouble upon me, and in anger they bear a grudge against me.

My heart is in anguish within me and I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away;I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest.”

For it is not an enemy who taunts me—then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. We used to take sweet counsel together; within God’s house we walked in the throng.

But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. He redeems my soul in safety.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you.

I will trust in God."

Our only hope, eh?

To put our trust NEVER fully in people (because even our most faithful and loving and gracious friends / family members / church leaders WILL let us down AT TIMES) ...

But to TRUST GOD and LOVE PEOPLE. Even the ones who hurt us. Especially the ones who hurt us.

(Yes, with wisdom. But “wisdom that comes from Heaven”–see James 3! NOT “so called wisdom” that really means, “Protect ourselves at all cost!” and “Never bear up under the pain of unjust suffering–just flee it/avoid it and find a happier/easier path!” That’s not wisdom. And that’s certainly not love.)

For when we love even our enemies? Ah! THEN we will be like our Savior and our God (and show ourselves to be His).

I’m praying for an obedient and loving heart. Because Psalm 55 Days always have me teetering on the brink of just wanting to SPROUT WINGS and FLY FAR, FAR AWAY.

May God help me to persevere. (He does! He does!)

Sending you my love–

Yours,
Tara B.

What a blessing it was to meet with our small group last night. Prayer, sharing, sermon discussion, and chocolate chip cookies all added to the chaos of three small children playing around us. It was a good night.

But I also cried a little as we went to prayer–so many of us are being touched by death right now that my heart just ached. One friend lost a little one to miscarriage. Another friend is facing the slow decline of her elderly parents. We are all praying for friends who are seriously ill.

It’s just so hard! (And harder still on those who are crossing over the dark water, comforted only by God’s promise to make the river’s floor firm again.)

So I was particularly blessed to find Ray Ortlund’s post, “When, in Christ, we die”, as I surfed a bit after a coughing fit at midnight:

"There was a real railway accident," said Aslan softly. “Your father and mother and all of you are – as you used to call it in the Shadow-Lands – dead. The term is over; the holidays have begun. The dream is ended; this is the morning.”

And as he spoke he no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. . . . And we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world . . . had only been the cover and title page; now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read, which goes on forever, in which every chapter is better than the one before."

C. S. Lewis, The Last Battle, pages 183-184."

Our only Hope!

Prayerfully and with love,
Tara B.

PalmTreePundit just posted a great article on a new biography of Elizabeth Prentiss. I encourage you to read the entire post, but let me tempt you with just a snippet. (A particularly a propos one, given our family’s current situation.)

"Lay down this principle as a law, – God does nothing arbitrary. If he takes away your health for instance, it is because He has some reason for doing so; and this is true of everything you value; and if you have real faith in Him, you will not insist on knowing this reason. If you find in the course of everyday events, that your self-consecration was not perfect, – that is, that your will revolts at His will, – do not be discouraged, but fly to your Saviour and stay in His presence till you obtain the spirit in which He cried in His hour of anguish, ‘Father, if Thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done.’"

Amen. Thy will be done, Lord.

Blessings on your Monday!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
PalmTreePundit makes a great pitch for Elizabeth Prentiss’s book, “Stepping Heavenward”, and I concur. It’s a great book.

But I’m always surprised at how many Elizabeth Prentiss fans have never heard of my favorite book of hers, “Aunt Jane’s Hero.” It’s WONDERFUL and interesting and incredibly edifying. If you want to lose yourself in a book AND be drawn to the Lord, read "Aunt Jane’s Hero."

I’m in an interesting season of life right now. For various reasons, I can’t talk about all of the details with you right now. (Although, please know that I want to! Processing through writing on this blog has been a true grace to me these many years. Maybe one day soon ...)

As I’ve walked through my current challenges, I’ve been on a bit of a high-wire tightrope teetering over two extremes:

1. Pessimism - I just assume this bad thing is going to happen; and

2. Faith - God is sovereign and God is good. I can trust Him.

I’m embarrassed to even admit this, of course.

But I do think it’s a bit of an interesting question–especially for we who are prone to melancholy.

When does faith ("I trust God no matter what") turn the corner and become pessimism ("I assume something bad is going to happen; and yes, God is still good")?

I am praying for joyful confidence in our Good God. Truly. I really believe He is good and sovereign–really. It’s just the daily, moment-by-moment stressors that remind me of the battle.

Life in a fallen world. Fun stuff, eh?

The topic made me do a little reading in my Hope in Suffering archives and I found a helpful link that I wanted to share with you:

Weep with Those Who Weep

Hope you’re enjoying your post-Christmas days. We have GOT to do some laundry today.

Sending you love!
– Tara B.

I re-read this every year now:

Pain Does Its Work and Grace Takes Over (by Ajith Fernando)

Although this IX Marks entry is particularly directed at pastors, I thought it was spot-on for lay people too:

Any Discouraged Pastors Out There?

If you or someone you love is struggling at sad this holiday season, I encourage you to pop on over and read it. It’s very short–but very wise.

My favorite line was:

"Believe it or not, there is more to life than the situation that has you discouraged."

I just don’t think that a person who never struggles with discouragement or depression would’ve written that line. So thanks, Elder Matt Schmucker!

And much love to you, dear blog readers–

Yours,
Tara B.

(Excerpts from Psalm 55. If it resonates with your heart today? Please go and read the entire psalm and then you will understand the kind of day/week/season I’m having.)

"Give ear to my prayer, O God,
and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!

My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away ..."

But I call to God,
and the Lord will save me.

I will trust in Him."

Praying this isn’t your context today too.

Can’t fly away, can I?
Where would I go?
To whom could I possibly turn?

God alone has the words of eternal life.
And so I remain.

Held by Someone bigger and stronger than me.
As I grieve.

Looking forward to the Sabbath tomorrow–
hoping against hope that it might be restful and not full of pummeling.

Your friend,
Tara B.

PS
A little update after spending HOURS in Scripture (well, with lots of “interruptions” for a certain love-bug) ...

My heart is still ACHING.

Yes, yes, I am tempted to run away–physically if I could, but certainly emotionally.

AND YET ... God is helping me to get my eyes off of ME and onto Him. He is graciously reminding me that this life is not my own. Remember what Dr. Nakhah said? "I am already dead. What can you do to a dead man?" I’ve been bought with a price and the only reason my heart beats and I have one more breath is to glorify God.

Nothing else matters.

It’s hard though, isn’t it? Living, I mean. Life in my fallen body in a fallen world surrounded by fallen people. I never question why people give up. Makes sense to me! And yet ... and yet ...

"There is none like thee among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like thine. All the nations thou hast made shall come and bow down before thee, O Lord, and shall glorify thy name.” Psalm 86:8-9

This is my hope. My One True Hope.

Off to do our bedtime routine now–
Grace abounds. Even when life hurts.

G'nite!

Love,
Tara B.

[This is a re-post of a blog I wrote back in 2007. A family in our church is facing a major medical challenge and we’re all trying to figure out how best to help them–so I wanted to review it myself. And then a friend encouraged me to post it–so here you are ...]

I just received this list from my dear (dear!) friend and fellow PeaceGal, Ruth M., and I immediately asked her if I could share it with you all. (She said, “Sure! But it’s just a rough draft and it’s very much in process.”)

I’ve re-ordered things a bit (am I compulsive organizer or WHAT?) to group by genre ... and the little subittles are mine. (So blame me for the weird wording, not Ruth!)

But I just have to say, if you have ever said, “I would really like to help!” to a family in need (cancer? loss of a baby? unemployment? death?), I’d copy this list down and keep it in your files!

(That’s what I’m going to do for sure.)

Thanks, Ruth!

(BTW–Ruth has been battling cancer for years, so she speaks from experience. I’ve left some of her quotes in the list.)

Love to all–-

Your friend,
Tara B.

“I would like to help in any way I can. I can…” “May I …”

Help with the Daily/Regular Ol’ Stuff of Life:

- Do any housekeeping chores you’d like (dishwashing, dusting, cleaning whatever needs cleaned, bathrooms, whatever!)
- Do your grocery shopping
- Do your laundry (at your home or mine)
- Feed your pets and plants
- Fix ............... in your house

("Things seem to break down more when there’s no one to fix it!")

- Weed and/or plant flowers
- Mow/trim the yard
- Wash/detail your car
- Have the oil changed in your car
- Get your car(s) inspected
- Take your children to the park (babysit anytime—even overnights)
- Take over you carpool duties
- Make school lunches

Help with the Stuff Specifically Related to the Crisis:

- Sit in the hospital waiting room with your family
- Handle updates and field phone calls and communications for you

(“I think one of the best things people can do is coordinating one or two people—usually a close friend or family member—to be in charge of obtaining updates and then distributing them. We had one for the phone and one for email and I can’t overstate the importance of this help. It kept all the prayer warriors informed without our having to repeat the news unnecessarily. It also guarded us from having to field various questions we may or may not have been able to answer.”)

- Coordinate the church’s mercy ministry aspect (meals, rides, etc.)

(“One of the most helpful things was done for me was that our Shepherding Elder’s wife coordinated the schedule of meals (she asked about our favorites, allergies, and our treatment schedule) and communicated with the church office about our needs. She even arranged transportation to appointments. She did this all through email—and it was far easier to communicate in this way than to answer several well-meaning phone calls wanting to help. This also helped to have a written record later of who did what so we could appropriately send thank you notes.”)

- Bring you the church bulletin and tell you about the sermon/service/church family
- Gather a cheer basket of movies, books, magazines (many loaned so home doesn’t get cluttered permanently)
- Host a special dinner and prayer time for you

(“One dear friend gathered our closest friends together for a dinner together where we enjoyed one another and prayed together before my surgery. This may not always be feasible (and wasn’t the third time around) but was a precious gift.”)

Gift Ideas:

- Gas cards

(“Anything to defray the expenses is helpful. Even with excellent insurance, illnesses and crises create unforeseen expenses and additional financial hardships.”)

- Grocery store cards
- Visa gift cards

(“These things allow anyone in the home to run these errands for the patient and family without having to worry about money exchange.”)

- Hospital parking vouchers

(“There are few things as insulting as family members of critically ill patients having to pay daily to park to oversee the care and visit with their loved one.”)

- Hospital cafeteria vouchers
- Soothing music CDs
- Bible on CD
- Ipod with audio books already programmed on it
- Humorous cards and signs

(“Laughter is great medicine and it’s not possible to overemphasize this aspect. But, please be sensitive to the particular personality and your own relationship with the person.”)

- Guest book for visitors to sign and write notes.

(“This is good even if patient is sleeping, for visitors to leave notes and encouragement even after they’ve gone. I still read mine.”)

- Pamphlets that share the gospel to give to medical personnel and others

(“I recommend John Piper’s “Quest for Joy—Six Biblical Truths” and other resources relevant to illness and hope. I had an IV tech nurse come back to me for counseling following my giving her the John Piper brochure. There is no time like a crisis to share the hope of the gospel!”)

- Care bags for waiting rooms—puzzle books/word game, water, snacks, change for phone calls, scripture pamphlets, pen/pencil, notepad
- Scripture signs and encouragement notes for the hospital rooms
- Dry-erase marker board for the hospital room to help keep track of phone numbers, room numbers, the names of nurses and doctors, the next pain medicine time
- A night away for the couple (including childcare too).

(“One of the wisest recommendations we received initially was to not postpone couple time together. For each of my diagnoses, Tim and I have taken (made!) time to be away alone together. These are precious memories for us both and served to strengthen our bond and our faith in times that were otherwise chaotic. Some folks contributed to an overnight and special dinner for us one time.”)

I just added my own story to the 2,100+ comments at BringTheRain’s October 15 (National Day of Rememberance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss) post.

2,100+ comments and I’m sure that number will only grow.

This is a portion of what I wrote in my comment:

"And thanks so much for your ministry. 2,100+ comments to this one post alone?! Surely the suffering of mothers who have lost their children is a clear mark of just how much this fallen life is “not the way it’s supposed to be”; and also an indication of how good the eternal hello of our true home in Heaven will be. One Good Day."

You know, I had absolutely no idea that I’d be sitting here crying over this loss. (Again.) I just planned to work work work while Soph enjoyed a playdate.

But the human heart? It’s a complex thing, eh?

And I guess this one sadness in my life is probably more raw and deep than I usually realize. (And, apparently, I’m not alone.)

How grateful I am that God understands my heart even better than I do and that He is such a compassionate God.

Back to work now–

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
THIS is the post that I MEANT to read on this site when I clicked through from RadicalWomanhood. It has 500+ comments of the “funniest kid moments EVER” and yes, if you’re crying with grief and would like to run the entire gamut of emotions all the way to tears of hysterical laughter ... READ THIS. Even if you don’t click through to the comments, read the author’s story. It really IS extremely funny. And insightful. (Isn’t insight what makes real humor so funny?)

Pastor Anyabwile linked over to a great article by John Piper and I encourage you to check it out:

What to Say to the Depressed, Doubting, Skeptical, Confused, and Angry

I’ll tempt you with just a snippet:

"If you care about people and risk talking to the depressed, the doubting, the skeptical, the confused, and the angry, you will soon run into a person who says to your counsel: I’ve tried that. Whatever you say, they will minimize it and say it doesn’t work. Do not be surprised at this response. This is what it means to be depressed, doubting, skeptical, confused, angry. It means that whatever they hear sounds useless.

So I want to offer some suggestions for what you say in a conversation that is about to be cut off like that."

As someone who has often been on the receiving end of such wise counsel, and someone who hopefully gives such counsel and love too, I encourage you to take a few minutes and give it a read.

Soph’s fever keeps going back over 104 (!!) but it responds well to medicine and cold cloths and she’s keeping liquids down – so I’m teetering on the edge of that “when do I take her to the doctor” momma-question-for-the-ages.

Hope your Monday is a blessed one!

Yours,
Tara B.

Oh, how blessed our church was yesterday to remember that the Lord sustains us in suffering.

Pastor Alfred led us to give thanks to the Lord–even in our anguish.

Trudy’s music fed us and encouraged us that His grace truly is sufficient and His power is made perfect in weakness.

And then, the Rev. Dr. Victor Nakah of Zimbabwe preached to us from 1 Peter 1:1-17 and reminded us that we are strangers in this world because we have born again into a Living Hope. Our inheritance can never fade–because God sustains both the inheritance and the heirs (us!).

And so? We greatly rejoice even though right now we suffer. We do. And of course, some of us suffer way more than others.

Dr. Nakah pastors a church in a city of over 800,000 people where 1 in 7 adults has H.I.V. Yet there is not one single doctor or nurse. His country has had 13 MILLION percent inflation (no I didn’t mistype that and yes, I checked with news sources to verify that number) and 95% of all adults are unemployed. The age expectancy for women is 34 and for men is 37 (the lowest in the WORLD!) and per capita, Zimbabwe has the highest number of orphans.

And what did he preach? That he can REJOICE because God is doing greater things. And he encouraged us (encouraged us! can you believe it? a church filled with wealthy, overfed, over-amused people!) that even our suffering, though sorrowful, is but a passing thing because our first and primary citizenship is in Heaven. God has radically invaded us and caused us to be born again to Another World. We have died! And our life is now hidden with God in Christ (Colossians 3:4).

So what does it matter what happens to us in this life? If father, mother, employer, pastor, spouse reject us? What does it matter what happens to do us? Kill us or don't–we can trust God in everything (everything!) because we’re already dead. What can you do to a dead man? (And think of the implications of that when you are baptized into Christ in nations where you will lose your job, your entire extended family, your home, your property–and many times, your life.)

But how do we so often respond to these eternal truths? These eternal realities? Often we get more excited about ... (he said “soccer” and “football”, I’ll say a clearance sale at Office Depot or an organized kids' room). We respond to the gospel as though someone just told us, “Yeah, uhh, so ... you’re going to have chicken for lunch.” "OK. Thanks."

Oh, oh, oh! Let us PRAY that God will give us hearts TO REJOICE and PRAISE HIM in response to His saving grace!

He gives us the gift of repentance and faith. He forgives all our sins. He justifies us. He adopts us. He sanctifies us. He protects us. From what? From death? Suffering? No. We don’t need protection from death or suffering. The suffering and death of Christians does not make God panic. He has a design even for our suffering and distress. Our suffering is not because of God’s LACK of plans.

No, what we need protection from is UNBELIEF. And as He leads us through the valley of the shadow of death, He protects us with his Truth. His Son is Truth.

Glory, glory, glory!

My four pages of sermon notes don’t even come close to doing justice to Dr. Nakah’s sermon. Please do check back with our church’s website in the next few days. I hope they post his sermon! I’ll link over to it if I can–but we’ll be a traveling family all week so I just don’t know what my schedule will allow.

Hope your Monday is off to a great start!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Thanks for all of the concern re: my seems-to-be-regularly-recurring-fever thing. A number of people have mentioned that it very well could be hormonal and that sounds reasonable to me. I’ll try to bring it up with my doc when I come up for air again mid-October or so. But we’re all doing much better around here. Hooray for Zicam! Blessings–tkb

What a happy title for a blog!

But it accurate ... I am stressed, sick, and tired.

Stressed because of something challenging that happened yesterday that our family has to keep addressing this morning. (Very hard!)

Sick because, well, apparently some little virus or bug is having a happy time inside of me–but it’s making all of the normal sick symptoms fuzz up my brain and knock my energy level down to zilch.

Which leads me right to TIRED.

Oh well! Every day isn’t like this, right?
Makes me appreciate the days I wake up before the alarm and happily head out the door to walk Lilikoi.

Hope you’re feeling better than me!
And that your day is a blessed one.

I’ll close with another thought from Ajith Fernando ...

Blessings to you!
– Tara B.

PAIN DOES ITS WORK, AND GRACE TAKES OVER
Written by Ajith Fernando while traveling abroad

I left home on a trip abroad feeling very discouraged and hurt because of some problems. This is normal in the Christian life, and these are emotions I must not deny. Sorrow and pain must be permitted to do their work. They

- deepen our commitment and mould our character, especially teaching us patience;
- lead us to confess sin and show the fruit of repentance;
- prepare us to face greater suffering;
- bring us closer to suffering humanity;
- make us more effective ministers; and
- increase our joy by causing us to depend more on God and his grace than on earthly things and ourselves.

But we cannot go on living life overwhelmed by our problems. Once discouragement and hurt have done their work we must return to the normal Christian life which I like to define as “being overwhelmed by grace."

... One of the things which help us to return to the attitude of being overwhelmed by grace is exposure to the simple, but beautifully profound, truths of Christianity. God did that to me during my retreat through the book, Out of my Mind, by Joseph Bayly (Zondervan). He had a column by the same name in the now defunct Eternity Magazine. It was my favourite monthly reading in my early years in the ministry. Three of Bayly’s sons died aged four years, three weeks and eighteen years. Each of his other four children ended up in ministry. He was known as a prophet to our generation, but his writing oozes with the deep grace of God learned through suffering.

Bayly reminded me that, in the life made beautiful by grace, there are some things which are normal but which the world despises. We must accept these things as basic to the Christian life and not be overly upset by the more negative ones among them. Here are some of those things:

- a simple trust in Christ and an enjoyment of his love which causes us to be thrilled with life;
- sacrificial love for others including our family members;
- suffering for our principles;
- following the way of the cross even though the world sees it as going down on the status scale;
- proactively seeking to bring people to faith in Christ because that is their only hope for escaping eternal damnation and finding eternal salvation;
- accepting every disappointment and hurt as a means used by God to bless us;
- opposing wrong, however out of step we may seem with the rest of society;
- studying the challenges to Christian thinking in contemporary society and formulating responses to them so that Christians will be warned and armed to face them and non-Christians will be challenged to change their minds;
- refusing to allow the sham values of our superficial, media-dominated society to influence our values, lifestyle and methods.

... God made us humans with eternity in our hearts (Eccl. 3:11). We are too exalted to be satisfied with mere earthly honour. Only the joy and peace of the eternal God can truly satisfy our souls. John Wesley said, “O what a pearl of what great a price is the lowest degree of the peace of God.” It is a treasure so valuable that it is worthwhile sacrificing everything in order to obtain it.

Early yesterday afternoon, I was quietly reflecting to myself just how godly, easy to relate with, loving, funny, and trusting of the Lord a certain woman in my life is. She also happens to be stunningly beautiful with a wonderful husband and four precious children.

So THEN I was thinking about how easy it would be for an outsider to look at her faith and her happiness and think, “Sure! If I were beautiful, happily married, with healthy children and a lovely home, I’d be a really happy person who loves and trusts God too. No problem.”

But outside appearances don’t show the REALNESS of her true happiness (BLESSED-ness). And her faith in God is surely not in response to an easy life. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Yes, she truly does radiate a confident assurance in the goodness and sovereignty of God–but it has come through the fires of suffering:

- Abandoned by an unbelieving spouse when she had a toddler;

- Remarried years later, the young couple was betrayed by Christians and experienced incredible financial setbacks as a result (and they did not retaliate legally even though they may have “prevailed” in the courts);

- Multiple miscarriages culminating with a happy and healthy pregnancy, only to have her child die in her arms only a few hours after being born.

I could actually go on, but I won’t.

It just all reminded me of today’s Slice of Infinity by Jill Carattini:

Draw Me Near

I hope that you will read the entire essay! And I’ll close with just a snippet to hopefully sufficiently tempt you:

"In The Problem with Pain, C.S. Lewis refers to pain as God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world. Convincingly, he explains what we know to be true of suffering, pain, and evil, what we know of the meaning offered in Christ’s suffering and the strength we are given to bear it when the peripheral questions of life are answered by a good God. Years later, in the pages of A Grief Observed, Lewis describes watching his wife lose her battle with cancer and wrestling with God through the pain. He is then writing as a man who bitterly, tortuously, and intimately knows what he knows to be true of God and evil, suffering and Christ though his soul is breaking.

Writes Lewis, “Your bid for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity, will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high.” He continues, “Nothing will shake a man–or at any rate a man like me–out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.”

I believe the first time I really and fearfully looked my faith in the eyes was while I was pounding my fists against the chest of God, half demanding, half pleading, to know why my father was dying. Those indelible days gave new meaning to Paul’s admonition, “Work out your salvation in fear and trembling.” In our prayers we cry, and in our hymns we sing, “Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer blessed Lord, To the cross where Thou hast died. Draw me nearer, nearer, To Thy precious, bleeding side” but when the stakes are at their highest, do we really mean it? Have we counted that cost?"

May we trust God today, friends! No matter what.

Blessed Wednesday to you–

Yours,
Tara B.

I was blessed yet again by another CJ Mahanney essay and thought it might encourage you too:

Shifting Ground–Finding Joy in Adversity

Let me tempt you with just a snippet:

"How about you? Are you personally experiencing a season of adversity with no end in sight? If so, rather than peering into the future trying to predict the concluding date of the trial, I recommend you look down and then up.

Look down and realize a transition is under way to shift the ground of your joy “from created things to the Creator.” Then look up and delight in the Lord himself. Contemplate his changeless character and the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Then—dependent upon God’s grace—obey this command given for our good and his glory. Rejoice as you realize afresh you are doing much better than you deserve.

This will not alter the severity of your trial, but it will transform your perspective and strengthen your soul for the trial."

I have a friend who is currently fighting for her life against cancer. I pray for her–for treatments, relief from nausea, comfort, a cure. But every time we interact, the truth is that she is the one who ministers to ME.

Even just a few lines from her in an email convict me of my own faithlessness and encourage me in my battle to stop questioning God’s goodness and SUBMIT to Him. Trust Him. Worship Him. Stop being so Tara-focused!

Because there she is, rejoicing over God’s provision of a stylish wig. There she is, rejoicing in the Light of the Lord and the ministry of His people.

She wrote me this morning:

"I have a friend who used to teach “God only gives you the grace for your actual situation, not for your vain imaginations.” She is right. I knew she would be.

Her son was diagnosed at a young age, perfectly healthy just having a routine checkup, and was dead within a month. She said she used to have a horror that one of her children would die and her life would end. She was amazed that God had more life for her after this all happened!

I hope God has more life here on this planet for me, but He has always held me in that fragile web called “Earth life” (where He holds you and everyone else, too) and I just presumed upon Him that I would, of course, get to be an old lady someday. Whatever He will do is the best thing!"

Praying for you, dear friend! SO grateful our paths overlapped. Sending you love and–oh yeah–THANKS for letting me share your words on this blog.

We’re off to church in a few minutes, so I must dash–

Happy, Blessed Sabbath to you all!
Sunday! The best day of the week.

Yours,
Tara B.

We were blessed to have Bruce Clark preach from chapters 4 and 5 of Revelation this morning. The title of his sermon was:'And I Began to Weep Loudly': Unspeakable Loss and Divine Holiness. I was encouraged, challenged, and edified by his entire sermon, but in particular I wanted to tell you just a few of the points he made:

- John’s readers had all experienced profound LOSS in at least two forms: suffering and seduction. So how do you keep going when you keep experiencing loss and you keep failing over and over (and over!) again?

- The answer to our temptation to despair is NOT an apologetic, cultural critique, moving/emotional story OR another list of “ten things TO DO.” No. Revelation provides not an explanation but an ENCOUNTER.

- Through an encounter with God, we behold the proclamation of Divine Holiness and God’s unquestionable rule from Heaven. God’s perfect reign is seen in the sea of perfect glass–not a ripple exists in the water because God is so perfectly sovereign over everything.

- God is SO shrewd! He is SO wise! We are tempted to freak out (my words, not the articulate Mr. Clark’s), point fingers, blame each other, condemn ourselves ... DESPAIR. But God is in control. In our turmoil, we cry out, “Can God REALLY handle this?!?!” But the answer is ALWAYS, “Yes.” God alone is worthy and able. We can trust Him.

- To struggle and doubt is the norm for the Christian. We can admit how bad things really are because we know that all of this bad stuff will be dealt with. Jesus is the picture of loss and defeat. Look at Him! He drew the evil onto Himself. He drew them DOWN and then defeated them. Jesus stands and because He stands, you can stand too. Jesus says, “Lose with me! And you will win.”

- See God’s holiness, even in your loss. Don’t stop crying out to God! Find someone who will keep watch with you–sit with you, not condemn you, not be frustrated by your doubt. Recognize how dangerous you are to satan’s causes when you suffer, ask why, have NO idea why, look around, things are SO bad ... and you trust and obey God anyway.

One day we will weep no more.

Amen & amen!

Come quickly Lord Jesus. Please guard our hearts!

Sending you love,
Tara B.

Please read this:

A Rainey-Mutz Update

"We cannot Lord, Thy purpose see
But all is well that’s done by Thee."

(Thanks, Challies.com!)

Thanks to Tim Challies for calling us all to pray:

Pray for the Rainey Family

Don’t read this if you’re not in the mood to cry a little (ok, really? a lot!)–but also to remember the goodness and sovereignty of God:

Bring the Rain’s “Sweet Baby Lukie”

(HT to Amy’s Humble Musings and Jennifer’s Favorite Links for linking to this story of a woman who recently lost her own baby (whom she chose to carry to term despite knowing that the baby could not survive after birth) and then suddenly lost her seven-week-old nephew to SIDS just a few days ago.)

***

Actually, I couldn’t stop reading. It’s almost an hour later now and I’m weeping, alone in my hotel room in Florida in the middle of the night. But I’m not lonely. Just sad–and grateful. Grateful to be known and loved by God. Grateful for a godly and kind husband and the gift of time with Sophia Grace. (I never assume I’ll have even one more day with either in this life.) Grateful that this world is NOT our Home.

Please do take a moment and read this beautiful letter from a mother to a daughter whom she only got to hold for a few hours–but who is dearly, eternally loved:

A Letter to My Daughter

This life is nothing but a constant death! But then, one day, God will make it all right. He will set things back again the way they were created to be. No more death. No more tears.

Maranatha! Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

Yours,
Tara B.

Jill Carratini continues to be my favorite author in my favorite daily e-devotional: Ravi Zacharias’s “Slice of Infinity”. She is a careful thinker, a lover of God, and a profoundly gifted writer.

I urge you to read her recent essay, Let Not Your Hearts be Troubled. Let me tempt you with a mere snippet:

"The 1905 hymn “His Eye is on the Sparrow” is one that has captured the hearts of many, reminding with simple assurance that we are not forgotten, nor alone ...

The hymn is a poignant reminder that though we will find discouragement and loneliness, we were not intended to; and though we sometimes labor to find our sight in shadows, we will one day see in full. We long for home because at present we are not home. Yet God’s careful eye is on even the sparrow, God’s Spirit on our trail, willing that one day we shall get there ...

What must Christ be like if he can tell us not to let our hearts be troubled on the eve of his own violent death? Who is this God we follow, this God who knows every sparrow and hair on our heads?

In fact, Civilla Martin’s hymn was inspired by a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden with illness for almost twenty years. Confined to a wheel chair, Mr. Doolittle was also fraught with adversity. Yet despite their afflictions, they offered inspiration and comfort to all who knew them. Inquiring as to the source of their hope in the midst of such grief and struggle, Mrs. Doolittle’s reply was simple in its promise of things present and sublime in its reach of things to come: “His eye is on the sparrow,” she said, “and I know God watches me.”

Thank you, Ms. Carratini, for helping us to know and trust God.

I woke up this morning away from my family. Again.

I was home for 36 hours and then my pastor picked me up early yesterday morning so that we could drive many hours away from Billings to serve a church, its leaders, and a couple in marital crisis.

In many ways, it was the very LAST thing I wanted to do. I long to be home with Sophie and Fred (and Lilikoi). I am sick of hotels and I am craving a quiet, non-peopled day. (Other INTJ’s will know what I mean.)

My heart broke as we pulled out of the driveway yesterday and Sophie waved from the front window and gave me the “things are NOT ok” SCUBA diving sign. (Fred, Sophia and I do little “are you OK?” "yes, I’m OK" or “no, something is not quite right” SCUBA signs as a little inside-family-messaging system. Other SCUBA divers will know what I mean. )

She longed for me and I longed for her and honestly? We are about to end a busy travel season and that will, in fact, be where I am for months and months and months on end. HOORAY!

But for right now?
Today?

My momma heart suffers and so does hers because the Christian life is often the way of suffering. And this pain is the price we pay for this opportunity to love God and love neighbor.

We talk about it. We pray about it. We seek counsel from our church leaders. And we truly believe that these moments of suffering are tiny ways that we are called to serve. Nothing like what our Christian brethren around the world are suffering! But suffering nonetheless. “Nothing but a constant death.”

But for a good reason.

Oh, friends! If you ever have the opportunity to co-mediate with my pastor, Jason Barrie–DO IT.

He is brilliant. He is loving. He is SO relational that little extrovert! And he ministers the gospel–connects God’s TRUTH to REAL LIFE like few people I have ever known.

I see his wife’s ministry through him. I see his children’s ministry through him. I see the ministry of our senior pastor, Alfred Poirier, through him and the ministry of all of our elders, deacons, and church members too.

But mostly, I see Christ.

And what an honor it is to serve this precious church and these precious brothers and sisters in Christ.

Please do pray for us if we flit through your heart this morning! We will work until early afternoon and then head home to Billings.

Thanks, all! And sorry to be so non-responsive on the blog comments lately ... I have literally not had two minutes.

Sending you love,
Tara B.

I’m reading old blog posts trying to find some citations and examples.

(Man! Am I a SINNER or WHAT? Nothing like reading old posts to remind me of THAT. Good thing God is SO forgiving!)

ANYWAY, I read an old post where I quoted Ajith Fernando and I wanted to commend his essay to you again. Here is just an excerpt to tempt you to read the entire post:

"Suffering with Christ is a normal part of Christianity and we must never make a big deal about this or be angry when we face it. In the ministry we constantly face inconvenience, tiredness, shame, slander, persecution, sorrow, disappointment and hurt. When we suffer we must be joyful because of the honour of suffering for his name (Acts 5:41); because of the reward to be received in heaven (Matt. 5:11); because it will be turned into something good for us (Rom. 8:28 ), because it draws us closer to Christ (Col. 1:24) and because it helps the church (Col. 1:24). We must never let those who hurt us take away our joy. That is an honour they do not deserve. When people hurt us we must battle till we can truly say that it is for our good (Rom. 8:28 )."

Amen and thanks, Ajith! We love you and pray for you and your family regularly.

A little addendum on my previous post on “women received back their dead” ...

After the church service ended this morning, I turned to our friend, asked him how he was, and mentioned how much I have been missing his son lately.

“Seven years ago, Friday,” he said.

I had no idea. I couldn’t remember the exact date of Liam’s birth and death–but somehow I was particularly missing him this week.

You see, Liam was a child in our church who was happily born after a perfectly normal pregnancy with no indication of any problems. Family was gathered; joy was palpable ... but then it became obvious that something was terribly wrong. A few tests revealed a medical deformity that meant beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would die. Soon. Imminently, in fact.

And so, rather than gathering to welcome this precious bundle of love–his family gathered in the hospital room to hold him, kiss him, love him, and say goodbye. Liam lived for twelve hours and then two days later we gathered as a church family to grieve with his family and bury him.

Fred and I were still relatively new to the church back then, but I remember many details of that service. The tiny white coffin at the front of the church. (It was carried in and out by one man.) Pastor Alfred taking the pulpit after the family was seated–and simply breaking down in tears. Not only was it his child by church-relations, it was his nephew. And so, his close family members were pierced with sorrow.

As soon as Pastor Alfred broke down and cried, it was as if all of the sadness of all of the hundreds and hundreds of us just came pouring out ... we cried and cried and passed Kleenex around. It was terrifically sad–as it ought to have been–but hopeful, too, of course.

I remember waiting and waiting as all of the many, many cars slowly took their place in the procession to the cemetery. Car after car. So many people! I wondered if onlookers stopped at intersections watched the processional and thought, “Who died? Who was SO important that this many people would mourn him? Was he wealthy? Powerful? An inventor? Wow! He must have accomplished a LOT in his life to have this many mourners.”

But of course, all Liam did was breathe in and out. And then he was gone from this life—but not gone forever.

We sang, Taste and See–The Lord is Good at Liam’s funeral:

"He takes the weakest ones in this world
That He might show His grace and glory."

And I told the father at the gravesite, “We will not forget your son.”

We haven’t.

I talked with Liam’s mother after the church service this morning too. It was so good to remember him and love him and miss him together! And she said what a privilege it was that God would entrust to her the suffering of missing her son.

Such dear friends. Such an honor to love with them and thus, to grieve with them–because love always entails risk.

Grace to you!

With love,
Tara B.

Yesterday, our morning started off very fun. Sophie came down (too!) early and was cuddling and talking with me before 7:00AM (as I was doing a little reading, blogging, and getting ready to take Lilikoi for our morning walk).

I enjoy our early morning times. Fred is SO not an early morning person! But I always have been ... even as a child, I used to get up very early just to spend those few extra minutes with my dad. He’d go through his morning routine and I would follow him every single step–I just wanted to be with him.

All that to say, it was fun to be with Sophie. We are REALLY enjoying her ESV Children’s Bible. The first day we had it (in its purple “big girl Bible cover with a zipper just like Daddy’s!”), I let Sophie explore the Table of Contents and she immediately wanted to read the little section on the Ten Commandments.

I just LOVED how it explained that a lot of people think that the Ten Commandments are just a list of “things to do and NOT do”, but really they are MUCH more. They actually teach us about GOD and about OURSELVES. And then it went on to explain HOW and it had excellent visual reminders too. It was just great.

Anyway ... after the puppy walk, Fred was up and they headed into “make pancake mode” (a Saturday tradition for them). I decided to give our Betta fish, “Girlie”, a little bowl-cleaning. BUT SHE WAS DEAD!!

Poor, poor, POOR Girlie! I just felt AWFUL. Plus, it was SOOOOOOOO gross.

Death is just NOT THE WAY IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE. To quote PalmGirl, “I blame Adam for this!” Death is a mark of the Fall and a ramification of Sin.

Since pancakes were almost on, I just SHIVERED, covered her bowl with a towel, and quietly explained to Fred what had happened so that he could a) tell Sophia and b) DEAL WITH IT. (Farm boy, son of a veterinarian ... he valiantly jumps in because no WAY am I touching that bowl again until it is dead-fish-free!).

Sophie was very sad and I was too ... but I don’t think Fred had any emotions lost over the fish. So later in the day, Sophia and I went to Petsmart for our new Betta fish: Petuna. Petunia? Nope. “Peh-tuna.” For some interesting four-year-old-girl reason.

Petuna is a beautiful blue fish. I hope she enjoys being with us and I am happy to take on my motherly duties related to her cleaning and feeding. We do like our pets around here, eh? Yes! A lot. At church last night (we had a 30th anniversary of the church celebration church service), Sophia was sitting on my lap and suddenly just LIT UP from ear to ear. “I’m thinking about Petuna,” she said. Ahhhhh! Sweetness.

Which actually brings me to the REASON for this post: the church service last night. We were incredibly blessed to have Dr. Julius Kim of Westminster California preaching.

His sermon was long (we love long sermons!) and profound. I won’t re-tell it all for you now, but as he preached on Who We Are and the Hope of the Resurrection, he brought us to a specific verse that was particularly impactful for Fred and me.

He brought us there after having given some examples of horrible suffering throughout history–but also of FAITH that One Good Day, the suffering would end and God would make everything right again by the same power that raised Christ from the dead.

He also shared very humbly and honestly of a terrible suffering that he and his wife experienced. It was extremely hard for Fred and me to hear because it hit OH OH OH just WAY too close to home. (After seven years of marriage, Dr. Kim’s wife miscarried their first child just as she was heading into the second trimester. A little bleeding, then more, then death. Just like us last April. Too much like us, I think.)

But then he brought us to Hebrews 11:35 and it was a great comfort, so I wanted to share it with you. You know Hebrews 11, right? The great summary of so many people who found their only comfort in life and in death by faith in God their Savior?

Did you see verse 35 peeking in there amongst those who conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, stopped the mouths of lions, and were made strong in weakness? Until last night, I don’t think I had really seen it:

"Women received back their dead by resurrection ..." Hebrews 11:35

Yes, they did. They did and they will.

The path of suffering is so often not our choice–but it is the path we walk as pilgrims in a fallen world.

Isn’t it good to KNOW (really know! with confidence!) that God works together ALL things for His glory and our good? That He has provided something even BETTER for us than our temporary happiness?

This life is nothing but a constant death.
But this life is not our home.

Happy, Blessed Sunday to you!
Christ is risen! He is risen indeed.

Yours,
Tara B.

Jill Carratini continues to be my all-time favorite writer/apologist over at Ravi Zacharias Ministries (well, except for Dr. Zacharias himself–it is always a joy to read his contributions too!).

Their Slice of Infinity daily e-devotional continues to be the only one I read each day. (Who has time to read e-devotionals? Not me! But I MAKE time for this one.)

I hope that you will read:

A Man of Sorrows

To tempt you with just an excerpt:

"There is, for me, immense comfort in a Christ who was not always smiling. As I picture his face set as flint toward Jerusalem, my fear is unfastened by his fortitude. As I imagine the urgency in his voice as he defended a guilty woman amidst a crowd holding rocks, my shame is freed by his mercy. And as I picture him weeping at the grave of Lazarus, crying out at injustice, sweating blood in the garden of Gethsemane, my tears are given depth by his own cries. I do not grieve alone."

Grace to you this Wednesday and each day!

God’s mercies are new this morning.

With love from a sleepy (didn’t get back to sleep until after 4:30AM!) but grateful gal,
Tara B.

I wanted SO BADLY to go to church this morning! I got out of bed, willed myself to cuddle/play with Sophia and Lilikoi, made them breakfast, and tried to psych myself into health. Plus, I made a little plan in my head: “I’ll go LATE, not talk to ANYONE, and leave EARLY. That way I won’t make anyone sick!”

Yeah, right. A chesty cough, productive Kleenex-needing, and a fever over 101 all combined to prevail on my conscience. Even IF I could’ve sat upright for our church’s 1 hr 45 min service, I would’ve sat their judging myself for putting MY wants above serving my neighbor. (For surely, my pleasure in getting to be in church could never justify infecting the people around me. What a jerky thing that would be!)

So I’m dozing off and on, listening to the radio, and reading Bonhoeffer:

"The passion of Christ strengthens us to overcome the sins of others by forgiving them. He becomes the bearer of other person’s burdens–"Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Gal. 6:2).

As Christ bears our burdens, so ought we bear the burdens of our fellow men and women. The law of Christ, which it is our duty to fulfill, is the bearing of the cross. The burden of my brother and sister which I must bear is not only their outward lot, their natural characteristics and gifts, but quite literally their sin. And the only way to bear that sin is by forgiving it in the power of the cross of Christ in which I now share.

Thus, the call to follow Christ always means a call to share the work of forgiving others their sins. Forgiveness is the Christ-like suffering which it is the Christian’s duty to bear." (from A Testament to Freedom, emphasis added)

May we pray daily for the faith and grace to forgive as we have been forgiven!

Because ... aren’t we desperate for forgiveness every single day? I know I am.

Hope you enjoy a restful, God-centered Sabbath!

Yours,
Tara B.

Oh my STARS, but I just read one of the finest essays on INJUSTICE and THE GOSPEL that I have ever read:

Gospel and Injustice (by Pastor Anyabwile)

Please don’t miss it. Let me tempt you with just a brief excerpt:

"Examples of injustice abound. From the unkind word spoken to someone made in the image of God (Jam. 3:9) to prejudices and biases against people of a particular gender, ethnicity, or social standing (Jam. 2:1-4) to abuse and murder. Spending any amount of time contemplating the sheer amount of injustice in the world easily overwhelms us. In this world, injustice is intractable ...

But neither injustice nor the resulting wounds have the last word. There is healing available. There is reparation for the victim. But it can only be experienced by freshly appropriating the good news, clinging to the cross rather than to our injury." (emphasis added)

I was just commenting to Fred on how I really need to beef up my ability to quickly encourage people who are suffering. (Whenever I speak at a women’s retreat or conference, every single break and meal-time is spent talking with women–most of whom are suffering TERRIBLY.)

This essay (and the included Scriptures) provide a great start for my study and prep.

Thank you, Pastor Anyabwile!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
If you don’t want to read something thoughtful, gracious, and gospel-oriented about Pastor Jeremiah Wright (Senator Obama’s former pastor), don’t read these entries by Pastor Anyabwile:

- Confusing God and Government (don’t miss the COMMENTS on this one!)

- So We’re in Mark’s Study ...

Rare is the person who will actually LIVE OUT what Dr. Roger Nicole taught in his article Polemic Theology–What Do I Owe the Person Who Differs From Me?, but I think Pastor Anybwile hit the mark with these courageous (and accurate) posts.

If you or someone you love is going through the agonizing experience of divorce, I encourage you to read this CCEF article by Winston Smith:

Divorce Recovery

(Like all of the CCEF articles), it is excellent. Worth reading, filing away, and sending on to others too.

Hope your Thursday is going well! We’re just back from co-op and I’m plowing through emails as Sophie is playing with dollies at my feet. Fun!

Blessings and joy,
Tara B.

Another absolute must read (and WATCH! don’t skip the video!) over at RadicalWomanhood.

The post quotes Sara Groves after a recent trip to Rwanda:

"I found myself asking, ‘How have I applied this idea?' I had groomed and groomed and groomed my personal faith, but to what end?”

Good question.

I think I’m going to learn more about this musician. (Do you already know her music?)

Blessed Monday to you all–
Tara B.

I’m wondering how you all respond to panhandlers and beggars? Particularly, how do you talk with your children about these people in great need?

I think I need to do some study because I’m feeling a little shook after something that happened today ...

I received a personal letter (two pages, written in pencil) from someone in Kenya who is in great need. Apparently, he had read an article I wrote in a Christian magazine, found my address, and wrote to beg for money for food, water, and shelter.

Yes, I know it could be an elaborate scam. In fact, that was my first thought. I pictured a horrible scene of small children being forced to write these pathetic letters with the hope that well-meaning Christians would send money to warlords or something. Could be.

I did check out the info. on snopes.com. (By the way–I truly hope that BEFORE you EVER forward an email with some “lost child” or “person in need” or “amazing story” that you first check out whether it is an urgan legend!! Or better yet–never forward emails.) And there was no entry for the contact information/name.

But I digress ...

I know that poverty is all around us. I know that Christians are in need more than I could even imagine even if I saw it with my own eyes!

Even in our own church, there are huge needs with complex issues of the heart at play too.

I guess it just kind of threw me today. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling tired and hormonal. Maybe it’s also because I DO care but I know I don’t care nearly enough. I am astoundingly selfish in my comfortable little life.

Well ... off to bed. May God have His way in my life!

SDG,
Tara B.

My husband was already burning the candle at both ends and melting it in the middle BEFORE our little family emergency took me away for a week.

We’ve been getting through it OK (all in all), but we’ve had our moments when the HEAT has brought out our HEARTS that are clearly in need of further sanctification.

Tonight, though? I saw again just how gracious and godly my steady Freddy husband truly is ...

We were webcamming over their dinner (with occasional pauses for some ballet dancing by Sophia ) when Fred started clearing dishes and suddenly OH NO! Something went SEVERELY wrong with our kitchen sink.

- Yes, we do live in an old house and we’ve had our share of plumbing problems in the recent past.

- And yes, it IS (no exaggeration!) thirty degrees below zero with the windchill–and the kitchen sink does face an exposed wall of the house so freezing pipes have been a concern this week.

- But seriously? On top of everything else? A plumbing catastrophe?!?

Here was Fred’s response: "Sometimes life is complicated."

Yes, yes. Well said, Fred.

No use freaking out. Doesn’t really help.
Sometimes life is complicated.

Judy Dabler has been sending me email love and support and counsel and encouragement this week and earlier tonight she emailed me this:

"Feel it, describe it, name it, explain it, grieve it, and let it go. That is my new formula for dealing with trauma."

Yes, yes. Doubly-well-said, Judy!

Hope you enjoy a plumbing mishap and trauma-free day–

Yours,
Tara B.

I don’t know why, but a number of people asked me this past weekend about the baby we lost in 2007.

Their questions weren’t inappropriate or insensitive ... I was just surprised at how many times I was talking about him or her. (We never did know the baby’s gender even though we were just heading into the second trimester.)

And, of course, thinking about the baby did make me sad. It should make me sad. Miscarriages are most definitely “not the way it’s supposed to be!” And Fred, Sophia, and I do miss that little baby.

Anyway ... I was poking around New Attitude’s archives and I found this great article on comforting the suffering. I encourage you to check it out:

With Those Who Weep

Here are just a few of my favorite lines from the artcile to (hopefully) entice you to click on through:

- “Understand that asking, “How are you doing?” is one of the most difficult questions for a sufferer to answer.”

- “Let them initiate the doctrinal questions ... Especially when it comes to God’s sovereignty – let them bring this up. It can seem uncaring to a friend to bring up God’s sovereignty in the midst of suffering—as if a broad acknowledgement of God’s sovereignty will stop the grieving.”

- “In the midst of suffering, expressions of practical care are many times more meaningful than weighty doctrinal conversations. Making dinner, going to a movie, offering a small gift, or even something like playing basketball can be far more comforting than an exposition of Romans 8:28.”

- “Don’t ignore them or the death. Let’s be honest. Many of us don’t have a clue how to care for people that are suffering. So many times we ignore it because we think that not saying anything at all is better than saying something stupid. I understand this way of thinking but this can often make them feel as if they are bearing the burden alone or make them feel distant in your relationship. Rather, ask them things like, “How did __ life impact you?” or “What are some of your favorite memories of ___?” Or simply acknowledge that you don’t know how to best care for them and simply ask them what would best.”

I think Pastor Smith is spot-on in his article ... especially that point about NOT pulling back just because we don’t know what to say.

It makes US uncomfortable to reach out to someone in crisis or someone who is facing a horrible loss ... but oh! Let us NOT focus on OUR comfort but instead, let us love!

(Many a time I say something like this, “I have NO idea what to say. I don’t. But I do so want you to know that I care! I am hurting with you and for you. I am so sorry for this suffering in your life.”)

Hope Pastor Smith’s article is a blessing to you!
(This life really is nothing but a constant death.)

With hope,
Tara B.

PS
You may recall that the husband of my dear friend, Samara, is an extraordinarily gifted artist. His art shows in galleries all over the place ... but every once in awhile he also puts SMALLER pieces up for sale on ebay. Well ... check out the one I snatched as a gift for my sister and “her fred” (they LOVE cemeteries–they are big history buffs):



Taylor (the artist) wrote on the little ebay “description/tag line”: "I, for one, can’t WAIT to get out of here!"

Amen, brother. Me too.
Maranatha! Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

I believe that I may have already posted this (in 2005?) ... but it’s been awhile, so I hope this blesses you!

Boy! This life is truly “nothing but a constant death.”

Thank God for theologian and Youth for Christ missionary, Ajith Fernando! And his wisdom that points us to Christ.

Blessed, blessed Sabbath to you all! It’s 1:20AM (Chicago-time) and I’m headed to bed. Well, soon, I hope to be headed to bed.

Love and blessings!
And enjoy–

(HT, Ajith!)

Yours,
Tara B.

PAIN DOES ITS WORK, AND GRACE TAKES OVER
Written by Ajith Fernando while traveling abroad

I left home on a trip abroad feeling very discouraged and hurt because of some problems. This is normal in the Christian life, and these are emotions I must not deny. Sorrow and pain must be permitted to do their work. They:

- deepen our commitment and mould our character, especially teaching us patience;
- lead us to confess sin and show the fruit of repentance;
- prepare us to face greater suffering;
- bring us closer to suffering humanity;
- make us more effective ministers; and
- increase our joy by causing us to depend more on God and his grace than on earthly things and ourselves.

But we cannot go on living life overwhelmed by our problems. Once discouragement and hurt have done their work we must return to the normal Christian life which I like to define as “being overwhelmed by grace.” Now, this perspective may come soon, or it may take days or weeks to return. But till it returns we must struggle with God like the psalmists did in many of their laments.

Grace must soften our hearts so that more grace can enter in, making us gracious and taking away that destructive attitude of anger that looks at life saying, “I have been wronged.” Such anger is an enemy which we must fight with utmost dedication, for it takes away the thing that makes discipleship so worthwhile: the joy of the Lord. The sorrow may remain. But the joy of the Lord can coexist with sorrow, pain and tears. It cannot coexist with bitterness. Anger also takes away our anointing for we act in the flesh and not in the Spirit. This makes even the good things we do useless from God’s perspective—wood, hay and stubble which will be burned away at the judgment (1 Cor. 3:12-15).

Grace also takes away our cynicism which looks at life with the attitude that says, “There is nothing sincere and genuine in life.” The gospel tells us that sin has affected every sphere of life, and that everything on earth is in need of redemption. But it also tells us that “where sin increased, grace abounded all the more” (Rom. 5:20). So we must replace cynicism with hope in grace and a burning ambition to apply that grace to every situation in life.

We mourn the ravages of sin, but we do so with a heart softened by grace. Jeremiah shows this heart. He thundered angrily over sin but was also known as the weeping prophet because he wept in love for the wicked and hypocritical people who rejected his message. Mourning and weeping? Yes! Cynicism? No!

The sin and hypocrisy in the church and the world are terrible. But we always reckon that grace is greater than sin. So we cannot afford to let cynicism rule us, for the last word is with God, not with sin.

On this trip I realized that I needed to retreat into God’s presence and receive his healing. One of the things which help us to return to the attitude of being overwhelmed by grace is exposure to the simple, but beautifully profound, truths of Christianity. God did that to me during my retreat through the book, Out of my Mind, by Joseph Bayly (Zondervan). He had a column by the same name in the now defunct Eternity Magazine. It was my favorite monthly reading in my early years in the ministry. Three of Bayly’s sons died aged four years, three weeks and eighteen years. Each of his other four children ended up in ministry. He was known as a prophet to our generation, but his writing oozes with the deep grace of God learned through suffering.

Bayly reminded me that, in the life made beautiful by grace, there are some things which are normal but which the world despises. We must accept these things as basic to the Christian life and not be overly upset by the more negative ones among them. Here are some of those things:

- a simple trust in Christ and an enjoyment of his love which causes us to be thrilled with life;
- sacrificial love for others including our family members;
- suffering for our principles;
- following the way of the cross even though the world sees it as going down on the status scale;
- proactively seeking to bring people to faith in Christ because that is their only hope for escaping eternal damnation and finding eternal salvation;
- accepting every disappointment and hurt as a means used by God to bless us;
- opposing wrong, however out of step we may seem with the rest of society;
- studying the challenges to Christian thinking in contemporary society and formulating responses to them so that Christians will be warned and armed to face them and non-Christians will be challenged to change their minds;
- refusing to allow the sham values of our superficial, media-dominated society to influence our values, lifestyle and methods.

These are the things I must pursue and make my goals in life. Sadly even many Christians are pursuing things that really have more to do with earthly honor than the will of God. I can assure you that earthly honor will not satisfy your soul. They think they can be satisfied through things like the following:

- status and earthly power;
- climbing to the top of the ladder in sports, in the arts, in academics or in our professions in order to prove how capable we are;
- earning money and acquiring other earthly possessions;
- revenge and overcoming and humiliating enemies; and
- proving that they are right and those who opposed them were wrong.

God made us humans with eternity in our hearts (Eccl. 3:11). We are too exalted to be satisfied with mere earthly honor. Only the joy and peace of the eternal God can truly satisfy our souls. John Wesley said, “O what a pearl of what great a price is the lowest degree of the peace of God.” It is a treasure so valuable that it is worthwhile sacrificing everything in order to obtain it.

Let’s “have done with lesser things” and let our lives be consumed by the pursuit of God, of his wonderfully loving nearness, of his joy and peace, and of his service. And, so that we will not be sidetracked and deceived by the powerful forces at work in this world, may we feed ourselves daily with the truths of God which challenge the sin, hypocrisy, cynicism and anger of this age.

Well ... it’s 3:30AM and I’m awake. Again.

It’s been four nights now since I’ve had a good night’s rest. I’m so tired that I’m starting to shake.

The good news is that I WAS actually sleeping tonight. I know this because I was scared awake by a horrible nightmare at 2:45AM. (And you only dream when you’re in REM sleep, right? So that’s sort of good news, anyway.)

Hope this doesn’t trouble you or anything–but assuming that my strange subconcious fears won’t worry you too much AND with the hope that writing it out might help me to go back to sleep ... this was my nightmare. (It feels as real as this laptop so it’s not hard to retell.)

A very short homeless woman was peering into our living room bay window. She had been near our home for a long time, but it was the first time I had seen her actually touching our house and looking INSIDE our windows.

Sophie (who in real life has NEVER opened a door to the outside without permission–just trying to tell my subconscious mind to RELAX and GO BACK TO SLEEP here) ... went outside. I was scared for her safety, so not wanting to alarm her, I just explained that she needed to NOT go outside again without a grownup. Then I tucked her back into bed next to me, wrapped myself around her, and she was quickly asleep in my arms.

I slipped out of her bed and went to get dressed to a) call the police non-emergency number and tell them about the homeless lady looking into our window; and b) head to friend/prayer group.

(This is ALL so creepy for me because we’ve had an apparently mentally ill homeless woman roaming our neighborhood for about a year now–I say apparently mentally ill because she screams nonsense words as she walks and walks up and down our sidewalks. And I’ve called the police non-emergency number to ask if they have any advice for our family as to how to stay safe and also how to help her. Oh–and, of course, I leave for prayer/friend group in less than three hours.)

But every time I tried to dial the police non-emergency number, I couldn’t get through. So I went to a neighbor, a friend, an older Christian man I trust and I asked him to please help me. But THEN I saw her looking into HIS window WITH A GUN. She had that “dead” look in her eyes and I just knew she was going to kill Sophie and me.

I ran as fast I could to get back to Sophie–but of course, like most nightmares, I just couldn’t reach her. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get to her.

But then the woman was IN OUR HOUSE. With the gun. And the “dead/evil/I’m going to kill your daughter” look. So I killed her. And the horror of it all woke me up. So here I sit.

Yes, I immediately woke Fred up and he tried to comfort me. (By the way–his comforting me reminded me that I used to have a LOT more fears and nightmares when we were first married. So even as I’m uncomfortable, I’m grateful to the Lord too for growing me in grace.)

No, my heart hasn’t stopped racing yet.

Yes, when I came downstairs, I was scared to turn on the light and sit in my own living room–I checked my bay window and looked out my front door at the sidewalk very much expecting to see the homeless woman. Still a little scared about that.

Yes, I’m thinking it’s time to have Lilikoi sleep outside of her kennel at nighttime. (Choza used to sleep in our room mostly, but also check in on the baby periodically, and sometimes end up in the hallway between our two rooms when she decided that was the best “take care of the pack” place to be.) Seriously? The only time I’ve heard Lili bark is when a strange UPS guy dropped a package at our back door. (She knows our regular UPS guy–but he’s been taken off of our route temporarily for the holiday rush.) She didn’t know him. He came through our gate and just went on our porch and Lili took an “ears up, hair on back of neck” attentive/ready to be aggressive stance and BARKED. I, of course, praised her. GOOD JOB LILI.

Yes, I’m trying to pray. But I’ve also picked up my new copy of Ed Welch’s latest book, Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest.

I’ve had it on my “currently reading/to be read” pile for weeks now and it must be time to start it. Yes, yes, I could just pick up my Bible and that’s ALWAYS a wise thing to do. But I have to say, anything and everything I’ve ever read of Dr. Welch’s points me to Christ, helps to reorient my heart toward the Lord in right worship and biblical thinking, AND just gives that “make it real / make it practical / what does it LOOK LIKE to lay hold of Christ and remember the gospel IN THIS SPECIFIC SITUATION” help that I always so desperately need in life.

So here goes.

Oh–and Sophie turns four tomorrow (today/Monday the 17th)! We’ll have a little celebratory day but her “Backyardigans Volcano Sister LUAU” birthday party isn’t until Saturday. You can bank on some photos going up, eh?

Thanks for listening. Love to all!

Your friend,
Tara B.

My friend, A.W., sent me a link to a great interview with Ed Welch on the topic of depression. I hope you’ll check it out!

To tempt you, here is a tiny excerpt from the long interview:

"One common response of depressed individuals is that they can’t imagine anything good ever happening again. Normally our emotions can go up and down; at this moment I can imagine really difficult things and really good things.

The person who is depressed cannot imagine anything with a good outcome. Even when someone close tells them genuinely and meaningfully, “I love you,” it doesn’t cut through the pain. With the depressed person, there’s always this inner doubt raging war with truth. They might say, “I hear your words, but I can’t imagine that you would love me.” This inability to identify “good” is one of the most troubling features of depression for the hurting person. It’s also one of the frustrations for those who love them, because you want your love and your words to build them up. Instead, even the most caring sentiments seem to hit a wall and fall flat. "

Can you relate? I can!

Hope you’ll read the interview AND get Dr. Welch’s book on depression too. It’s the best one I’ve read to date.

Working hard and hoping you’re having a great Friday too–

Yours,
Tara B.

So I reached out to someone for help and received a resounding, “Sorry, nope.”

I was not surprised–but I was sad.
Not so much because I won’t be receiving the help that I really, really could use right now.
But more so because it was a reminder of how incredibly ALONE I so often feel.

I didn’t even know why it hurt so bad at first ... but as I talked it out with Fred, I quickly understood that while (of course) I understood why this person would say no ... it just felt like another in a long line of “no's” – especially related to my efforts to serve in any way beyond my (primary!) sphere of service (Fred, Sophie, our local church, our local community).

- I’m not associated with any ministry–so I receive no oversight, support, or encouragement that way.

- I have no official or unofficial role with my church–I’ve never taught anything there; most people don’t know me (although I continue to try to work on hospitality!); I have no outlet for service via music (those piano years are so far behind me now) ... and although we receive great shepherding care regarding our personal lives, our elders have made it clear that they’re not really interested in/available to help very much beyond that.

- It probably sounds really stupid, but I just don’t have any friends who take a real interest in what I do re: teaching/conciliating. And that’s really OK! I love that when I’m home, I really AM Fred’s wife and Sophie’s mom and our relationships are based around those roles for me and my service/encouragement to them in their life roles. But sometimes I just CRAVE real conversation with real friends about these things. (And oh how I would just LOVE IT if I could have even one or two friends who thought, “Hey! I could HELP Tara with this stuff. I could take Sophie for a couple of hours or help with other things when she is crazy busy.” But instead, I just have to find the money to pay people to help.)

Fred and I have talked for YEARS about asking a few women (and maybe a man or two??) to serve as a “friend/board” to counsel/advise/help us.

(But of course, I assume that a) no one would be interested; and b) I’d ask people and they’d say, “Sorry, nope.” And then I’d have to relive all of these icky/lonely/rejected feelings again.)

So where does that leave me?

Well ... first of all, I am repenting.
What a selfish woman I am!!
And WHAT a whiner!!

I don’t have much support? Give me a BREAK.
I have the world’s most loving husband and that is WAY more than many (most?) women have.

PLUS–I have the financial means (by God’s grace!) to pay someone to help with things ... so it’s really time to get off of the ol' pity-pot-Tara-whiny-fest, eh?

Also, I have great, great friends ... friends who love me, pray for me, and counsel me well. They’re just not really into talking about speaking invitations, dvd projects, or arbitration cases. Who can blame them?

Sometimes I wonder, though, if perhaps this is just one more indication that I should STOP doing anything beyond wifedom and motherhood?
(Or maybe it’s just a good reminder to persevere and stop being a whiner?)

Whatever the case, in our conversation about all this, Fred said something that really stuck out:

"Tara, most of us don’t have any encouragers."

I think it stuck out because 1) it’s SO not in line with Hebrews 10 (calling us to ENCOURAGE ONE ANOTHER!); 2) it’s so TRUE; and 3) it was SUCH a great reminder of why I strive–truly strive–to minister to and encourage the people around me. I really want to be the card-sending-remembers-to-call friend inasmuch as the Lord so allows.

SO ... off to help a friend with a project!
And then gymnastics! Fun fun fun. Truly.

Hope you’re doing well–

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Oh–and since I think my monthly thing started today, I bet I’ll be feeling a lot better about everything in say, 3 to 5 all-done-with-PMS-days?

If you only read one thing today, please read this:

A Blessed Assurance (Tim Challies)

"Precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death of His saints." Psalm 116:15

This life truly is not our Home.

In four days, Sophia and I will road-trip to Helena to visit our dear friends, the Lyndes. (Oh! How I still miss having these dear, dear friends close here in Billings.)

In eleven days, Fred & Sophie and I will fly to Chicago for a Midwestern adventure. (I’ll speak at a women’s retreat over the weekend and then, after they spend time with Fred’s family, I’ll rejoin Fred & Soph to visit with my mom & stepdad and my sister & “her Fred” in the wonders of Chicago. Sophia Grace is already talking about dinosaurs & The Art Institute & playtime with Uncle Fred and Aunt Kali.)

But honestly? One of the reasons WHY we expanded what could’ve been a quick trip to St Louis for me to speak at a church is because that week is the week that our second child would have ("should have"–but for the sovereignty of God) been born. And I really thought, even months ago, that the distraction and something happy for me to focus on and think about would be good for me.

Just last week Soph was talking about Heaven and about how she would see Grandpa Calvin and Uncle Mike and “dance with her baby brother or sister.”

(It’s hard to suffer well, isn’t it?)

Anyway ... I woke up at 2AM (again) with my mind racing and my heart burdened, so I began to walk down some blog search links and I found this heartbreaking one from our dear, beloved Pastor Piper:

Felicity Margaret Piper

Please do pray for this precious family as they grieve this heart-wrenching loss.

So much suffering!
So much suffering.
This life is truly “nothing but a constant death.”

But, thankfully, then we get to go Home.
One day.
One Good Day. “Those whom God the Father gave to Christ” get to go Home.

It’s 4:21AM and I’m going to try to sleep again.
Soph cried out in the night around 10:30PM and I ran to her bed and cuddled-up against her as she said (from some deep-down-subconscious-barely-awake-place, “I’m glad when you shnug-shnug (cuddle) with me, Momma.”

Me too, dear one.
Momma loves to hold you too.

Thank God for our children!
Those in Heaven and those here on earth.

Amen and amen.

And g'nite/g'mornin,
Tara B.

PS
An update ... I just found this online too: What I Said at My Granddaughter’s Funeral by John Piper

Do you have any relationships in your life that are just ASTOUNDINGLY HARD to persevere in?
I do.

One, in particular, has been pretty much a CONSTANT and CONSISTENT source of suffering for me for, well, months now.

Every email. Every in-person visit. Pretty much every interaction it’s like I’m being kicked in the gut.
(Or–more accurately–THE HEART.)

It’s like this person’s default of Tara is just SO BAD that every word has the implication of judgment and condemnation.

Tara = failure
Tara = bad
Tara = worthless
Tara = makes stupid decisions and is really good for nothing
Tara = "I need to constantly confront / warn / rebuke her and never ever give her even ONE word of encouragement; never ever even MENTION something good. Period."

Oh oh oh! And I was having SUCH a sweet week serving Fred, Sophie, our church–even our stupid ol' dog.

And then this.

Isn’t it hard?
Isn’t it just SO HARD to keep our hearts FIXED on JESUS–and not give in to the temptation to be fixed on graceless criticism?

To listen, learn, be teachable, have a humble and open spirit ...
But NOT give TOO MUCH POWER to PEOPLE.

Because isn’t it also true that it is just SO EASY to interpret things in the way that is MOST HURTFUL TO OURSELVES?

And really? WHAT MATTERS?
What actually matters?

What does GOD think of me?

Am I His because of the life, death, and resurrection of His precious, beloved Son?

Is there a place for me?
YES.

And so I pray again (through my tears) ... please don’t let me close my heart, Lord.
Please help me to love–and love–and love (even though love entails risk and sometimes I will be hurt).

Please help us to be WISE (for example, Fred and I are discussing whether this person should really just have all of his/her contact with me come THROUGH FRED FIRST so that Fred can help soften/interpret it so that I don’t have to be crushed over and over and over again.)

Please don’t let me live for ME, God ... but please help me to live for YOU.
May I serve You, God, and serve this person too.

We’re all such messes!
We’re all in process.

Love for God.
Love for neighbor.
This is my prayer.

Hope your Friday is going better than mine.
(Weak smile here if I knew how to put such a graphic smiley in this blog post.)

Love ya bunches,
Tara B.

Wow. What a post on humility and grace over at brittle crazy glass.

Please do take 30 seconds and read this post. You won’t regret it.

(Oh! But if I had HALF ... no, one TENTH that man’s maturity, God-centered focus, eternal perspective, humility and grace when I faced big disappointments in MY life??? Well ... I would have avoided a LOT of sin and been a much sweeter aroma for our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ. Thank God for forgiveness and for growth in grace!)

Hope you’re all doing well–

I’m physically exhausted but oh-so-grateful to be where I am! What a privilege–what a joy. (Truly a JOY! I really love being here with these people. What an honor.)

Love to all,
Tara B.

Last night, after bathtime & cuddles & Bible & catechism & reading & more cuddles, Sophia fell asleep in my arms as Fred and I continued to visit.

As Fred and I talked, I couldn’t help but stare at my daughter. Three years old. (“Three and a HALF please Momma,” she would say.)
Blonde hair, hazel eyes—her mouth open in the deep breaths of sleep.
On her back, arms above her head (just like when she was a newborn), snuggled into Momma.

What a picture of safety and love.
(I’m writing this on my second flight of the day and my heart just aches with gratitude thinking about it.)

But it was also a little strange for me too.
(I wonder if I should even blog this next part … but I am always humbled and amazed by how many of you write me after certain posts and say, “I thought I was the only one!”)

So in the spirit of continuing to BUST the “myth of chronic uniqueness” and in order to keep on encouraging us that we are NOT alone and we actually CAN be vulnerable with one another in the Body of Christ and have REAL relationships …

Let me tell you why this precious (precious!) scene of domestic bliss was also a little bit strange for me …
It was because Sophia was SO still and SO her normal “translucent-skin” (just-like-Momma’s “does that makeup come in a lighter shade” skin) …

That I thought to myself, “This is how it would look if Sophia were to die and I were holding her little body in my arms.”

(OK. Now I’m crying on the plane. Hmmmmmmm … hope the fancy businessman in the elite seat next to me doesn’t notice and/or get uncomfortable.)

Please know that I don’t mean to be morbid—really, I don’t!
But I had the thought … just like I’ve had lots of strange, dark thoughts in my life.

For instance … for YEARS (really, 10+ years!) after I found my mom in the act of committing suicide (I was a high school junior at the time), pretty much every time I opened a cabinet door or pulled back a shower curtain, I would cringe just a little bit because I always thought, “There’s going to be a dead body.”

Or another example, for the first couple of years of Sophie’s life, every time I walked up the stairs to her bedroom, I would have to push back the thought that she would be dead when I went to get her out of her crib/bed.

I remember asking Fred if he ever had similar thoughts.

(Can you imagine our conversation?

“Hey Fred? Do you ever think that when you’re walking up our stairs that Sophie will be dead when you get to her room?”
“Um, no. No I don’t, Tara.”
“Oh, OK. Thanks.”

Yeah … we had to do a little follow-up on that one …)

So I confessed to Fred about the shower curtains and cabinets and these secret little fears, etc. And of course I asked him if I was CRAZY and should be institutionalized or something.
(Maybe some of you reading this are asking yourselves the same question?!)

(Trust me, I’ve felt very crazy/mentally ill/OFF during my life.)

Anyway … Fred was his normal, nonplussed, calm, gracious, encouraging, accepting, loving, wise self. He said,

“Tara, you’re not crazy. You’ve just had some experiences in your life that lend themselves to sometimes having some strange thoughts or disturbing fears. But by God’s grace you are not ruled by them. You still open the cabinet doors and take showers and go up the stairs to swoop your daughter into your arms and then you go on with your day. We know that one day, in Heaven, you won’t have these—or any!—struggles any more. And between now and then, God may remove them entirely or He may not. But we KNOW He IS and He WILL CONTINUE TO give you grace for the day. Grace for the moment. So please don’t let it worry you.”

Well said, Fred.
As usual.
Well said.

Excerpts from Psalm 71 …

“You have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth. You brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you. I will proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone. Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will comfort me once again. My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you—I, whom you have redeemed.”

God bless, friends!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Just in case you haven’t heard me teach or listened to any of my CDs … I just wanted to be sure to state that (thank God!) my mom survived her suicide attempt and she is still with us today! Honestly? She is a dear, dear friend to me and I thank God for her. I am especially grateful for how she so generously and lovingly allows me to share a bit of our story when I write and teach because she really wants to be an encouragement to others too. PLUS—Sophie just ADORES “Grandma Kathy and Grandpa Charlie” (my stepdad).

In the last few weeks, I know of five (brilliant! godly! wise! Spirit-filled! Biblical-thinking! loving!) women who have been utterly mistreated by their church leaders.

(I would use a different term for mistreated there, but it’s crass and I’m sure not very appropriate for any setting, more or less this blog.)

There is much that I could say about each situation, but I won’t.

(Not only do I not have their permission to share their stories–but honestly? As is usually the case with most relational conflicts, their stories are so incredibly complex that it would take hundreds and hundreds of words to even TRY to BEGIN to “summarize” them. These women have sinned. The church leaders have sinned. Some of it is just life in a fallen world where people stumble into one another and their weaknesses wreak havoc on others. Some of it may be intentional evil. It’s a mess and I can’t begin to give you a quick bottomline on it all. And so I won’t.)

But I will make just a few general statements:

1. I never question why people hate Christians. I just don’t. When I see how we (and I DO mean ME too!) treat one another? The depth of our SINS against one another? The grace-less, love-less, selfish HORRORS that even BELIEVERS inflict on one another? Well ... I simply can’t find it hard to believe why so many people have such a low view of Christians. Makes total sense to me.

2. I love these women. I love them. I do. And my love for these women has not diminished ONE IOTA as we’ve spent time together these past few weeks ... praying, crying, shouting, empathizing, rebuking, encouraging, confronting ... talking, listening, just being there for one another. I HATE the sin in THEM that is causing them so much suffering ... AND I hate the sin in OTHERS that is causing them so much suffering ... but I love them. And I can’t believe that I get to call them my friends. It’s just such a gift. (Oh! How I pray that I am loving them well in the midst of these terrible situations!!)

3. God is glorified in His children even as we struggle. Is He glorified by our SIN? Of course not. Does it bring Him pleasure when we are tempted to believe lies, focus too much on ourselves, judge others, withhold love, or simply run away? Nope. No way. But God IS glorified in His children because the righteousness of CHRIST has been imputed to us. Period. Once and for all. Forever. And the fact that we are struggling and miserable and suffering in our sin? That we even SEE that it’s not a good thing to be tempted to hate, judge, or simply run away? If we even have a VAGUE INKLING that we might have a GAP between what we claim to believe about the gospel of Jesus Christ and then HOW WE ACTUALLY LIVE? This is an evidence that God IS at work in us! He IS conforming us to the image of His Son. We ARE His. Because unbelievers just don’t care. They don’t notice that there is even a problem. But we know. We know. We feel the weight of the current that is trying to drag us under. But we cannot be destroyed by our enemies–our sin, the world, even Satan and his minions. Because we belong with all our bodies and souls to our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Praise Him!
Praise Him!

God loves His children.
God loves these women.
And (if they are actually Believers–I don’t know a lot of them so I surely won’t presume) ... God loves even the leaders who are hurting these women too.

And I KNOW (by FAITH!) that all of this is just another step in the process of loving God and loving neighbor.

Yes, I hate that they are suffering!
Yes, I wish I could wave a magic wand and “fix it.”

But even more so–I am rushing the gates of Heaven for them.
I am believing for them.
I am SO trying to help carry them!!

(As I have been SO carried in the past. And by past, I don’t mean only in the distant past. I mean, you know, LAST WEEK too.)

Thank You, God, that You never forsake Your children.
Please do watch out over these precious women. (I know You do.)
Protect them from evil, I pray!
Pour courage into their hearts, I beg.
Be glorified! Be glorified!
Thank You that You ARE glorified.
Amen & Amen

Yours,
Tara B.

Tonight one of my dearest friends in the world, Judy T., stopped by to give me one more hug before she and her husband moved to Alaska.

It seems like only yesterday we were praying for wisdom as to whether she should apply to a (highly competitive) local nurse practitioner graduate program. (She has worked as an ER nurse for 20+ years and she and her husband want to “retire” to overseas missions work ... and she thought she could serve more effectively as a nurse practitioner because then she could prescribe medicine like a doctor and fill prescriptions like a pharmacist.)

She did apply; entered graduate school; excelled–while working fulltime and leading Bible studies; and now they’re off to the wilds of Alaska for two years of “training” working in an incredibly remote, rural clinic.

There are so many thoughts running through my mind as I picture them driving away tomorrow morning:

- How they raised their children here in Billings;
- Helped found and grow our church;
- Led so many people to Christ (and then discipled them too!);
- Promoted genuine fellowship and redemptive friendship;
- And on and on and on and on ...

But I’m really stuck on two thoughts/memories:

1. I remember when her elderly parents visited one time years ago. Her teenage son had just been accepted into membership as a communing member and that Sunday we were over at their home for dinner and fellowship. It was actually Judy’s father’s birthday and there were presents and cards, a cake, etc. But what I will never forget is when this intelligent, godly, kind man put his hands on his grandson’s shoulders and said, “Hearing you profess your faith in Christ today was the best birthday present I have ever received.” I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it now. What a man. What a moment.

2. Last year, Judy’s two best friends moved away. These three women have been best friends for decades. They have laughed, prayed, grieved, hiked, played, studied, LIVED LIFE together for longer than I’ve been a Christian. And in just one year, the two were gone (called to different continents to serve Christ in new ways).

I remember it was as though portions of Judy’s skin had been ripped off of her body it hurt so badly.

But I also remember how, even then, she saw that suffering as God’s providential (and good) hand preparing her for her eventual goodbye when they left Billings to begin their next stage of life and ministry. And talking with her tonight? Sitting on my porch waiting for them to pull up one more time? It was completely, utterly, 100% obviously true.

They were ready. Sad–but happy too. Determined. Called. Already missing their friends–but confident in Christ and confident that these goodbyes are not forever.

Isn’t that good news?

One day, there will be no more goodbyes. Just one eternal HELLO as we worship God and enjoy fellowship in our perfected bodies.

No more sin! No more selfishness! No more annoying each other or having to work hard to persevere in those “difficult” relationships. No more having to say goodbye to our dearest, safest, most faithful and fun and interesting and wonderful friends.

Just rightness. Perfection. Glory.
The way things ought to be.

I’m so grateful that when I hugged Judy tonight and I said, “I’ll see you in Heaven if not before.” I meant it.

The hope and assurance of our salvation!
Secured for us by the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Alleluia! Alleluia!
What a Savior. What a Friend.

Goodbye, Ron & Judy!
We miss you already.

Love to all and Happy Tuesday,
Tara B.

PS
This is the photo I took of Judy and Sophia when Soph was only ten days old. Oh, I will miss this woman!

With thanks to Carol Ruvolo for bringing this to my attention, I urge you to take a few moments to read Pastor John Piper’s thoughts on the recent Minneapolis bridge collapse. In it, he retells the evening he spent with his family, and in particular his eleven year-old daughter, as they processed the terribly sad events of the day.

My sister actually just called me from Minneapolis. She drove there yesterday for business and, as you might imagine, has had quite a different day than their companies has originally planned.

Praying for the families affected!
And trusting in the everlasting goodness of God–

Yours,
Tara B.

HT to Mark Moore (found him via Pastor JollyBlogger) for posting this video of John Piper on the evil of the “prosperity gospel.”

I hope you’ll take two minutes and watch it!
Oh, that Christ would be lifted up and we would all be drawn to HIM this very day and every day.

Much love to all and blessed Sabbath to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

(From 2005)

Grace Cannot Coexist with Bitterness
Our family loves, prays for, and supports a Youth for Christ missionary by the name of Ajith Fernando. To us, Ajith and his family members are heroes of the faith. Their sacrifice and service would be impossible to measure outside of eternity. I love his writings and it is a joy to serve him even in some small way.

Today, his letter to his supporters included an essay on pain, anger, and grace. In it, he wrote:

“Grace must soften our hearts so that more grace can enter in, making us gracious and taking away that destructive attitude of anger that looks at life saying, “I have been wronged.” Such anger is an enemy which we must fight with utmost dedication, for it takes away the thing that makes discipleship so worthwhile: the joy of the Lord. The sorrow may remain. But the joy of the Lord can coexist with sorrow, pain and tears. It cannot coexist with bitterness. Anger also takes away our anointing for we act in the flesh and not in the Spirit. This makes even the good things we do useless from God’s perspective—wood, hay and stubble which will be burned away at the judgment (1 Cor. 3:12-15).”

I think I will meditate on these truths for days – and I thought they might encourage you as well.

By faith, may we wage war against our anger and bitterness, and live solely by grace alone, for God’s glory alone!

(From 2005)

Different Responses to Suffering
When I have the privilege of teaching on biblical peacemaking, I always have the concurrent privilege of visiting and praying with people who are suffering. Conflict & suffering go hand in hand – and I spend my breaks, meal times, and late nights seeking the Lord with hurting Believers.

Last night I was struck again by how varied our responses to conflict and suffering can be. I was spending time with some friends and we were discussing our pastor’s sermon from last Sunday. (He is currently preaching on Habakkuk – so as you might imagine, we are deep into the topic of suffering.) As we began the conversation, I was quietly thinking to myself how two of the people present have suffered so much in their lives–and yet they are loving, faithful, (imperfect like all of us–yes), sweet, fun, wonderful people.

But here’s the part that knocks me over ...

As we were all discussing the different causes of suffering, the philosophical problem of evil, how God uses suffering to discipline (but not punish) us, taking joy in our suffering, etc. etc., both of these people reflected to the group on how they hadn’t really suffered much in their lives.

What?
What?

I couldn’t believe it and, as you might imagine knowing me, I couldn’t remain silent any longer ...

“You haven’t suffered?!” I asked. “I don’t even know what to say! Of all the people I know, you have suffered so much!” Tears came to my eyes as I looked at these friends whom I love and I reflected for just a nanosecond on how much they have been hurt in their lives–especially by people who should have been their staunchest supporters, defenders, protectors, friends.

Do you know how they responded?

They talked about their own sin and depravity and how they deserve much, much worse–yet God lavishes grace on them.

They reflected on the blessings and joys in their lives–not denying their pain, not stoically pretending it doesn’t exist, but likewise not focusing on it and dwelling on it every day.

They quietly mentioned how much other people are “really” suffering – and how their own life experiences, though painful, simply can’t compare.

As I listened to them, I mentally replayed conversations with other Christians that I’ve had where the person sitting before me self-righteously demands, “I don’t deserve this!” (When, really, apart from Christ, we all deserve Hell.) Times when Believers are called to suffer every day, day in and day out, with an unloving and ungrateful in-law or spouse, a disabled or rebellious child, a miserable work experience–and instead of persevering, they run away and try to justify it with the unbiblical notion that, “God wants me to be happy.”

(OK, honestly, in addition to other people, I was also cringing as I mentally replayed days, weeks, months, and even years when I struggled with such selfish and faithless responses to suffering.)

How I pray that we will all keep our eyes fixed on eternity and remember that this life, whether we live to be 80, 90, or 100, is our only time to suffer well.

And instead of responding to our suffering with bitterness and rage, we will truly learn to grieve with hope, find comfort in the Comforter, and actually begin to count it all joy. May we grow up into Him Who is our Head! Who suffered for us.

Yes, we can prayerfully, humbly, shrewdly battle evil. You bet.
Yes, we can seek to change our circumstance even as we are content in it (the secret jewel of Christian contentment!).

But oh! That we may respond with faith in God and trust in His perfect love and wisdom–especially when the dark times come. For the dark times are temporary! But the Light is eternal.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

(From December 2005)

So what do you do when ...
Let’s pretend that it’s the week before Christmas and you are gingerly stepping out of your comfort zone to try to be hospitable and relational by having people over to your home.

You do your best. You strive to bless. But it’s a little shaky – you try to be relaxed and happy, but you really have no confidence that you CAN love well.

The morning of the “weekend of three parties,” you are falsely and unjustly accused. And you know that the accusation has been broadcasted to others. And no matter how sorry the person may be, your reputation has taken a hit.

THEN you open up your email and find a challenging email. This person was obviously very hurt by you and is very angry at you to this day.

THEN another day comes and you get ANOTHER email from someone who is angry and bitter and chooses to direct a portion of her grief and rage at you.

You try to respond graciously. Lovingly. Gently.

You strive to a) remember the gospel yourself; and b) encourage each of these people to lay hold of the great and precious promises of Christ too.

But then what? What do you do?

Here are some of the things I’ve been tempted to do ...

- Quit. Get out of the biz as it were. No more teaching, writing, conciliating, conflict coaching, serving. Run away. Close the door. Sit very still in a dark room under a warm blanket and try not to do or say anything that will only enflame people to judge, criticize, despise, attack, and hate you more. Give up on love. Give up on life.

- Eat. Yes – it’s true. I continue to struggle with the sin of gluttony. And my habitual, ruling lust of FOOD often tries to rear its ugly head when I am attacked. (But thankfully–a true evidence of grace!–somehow, even the temporal pleasure of cookie dough neither satisfies nor calms my troubled soul.)

- Cry. I’m tempted to cry, but I don’t do it. Not yet anyway. I think I’m still stuck in my survival mode. All of these criticisms tapping into the mother-of-all-criticisms that continues to reside in my Old Man: Tara, you are bad. You are unloving. You are cold and heartless and you don’t know how to have good relationships. You fail as a friend and you fail as a person. You are so cold and unloving and bad that we don’t want you around here! Go away. Get out. You are not welcome here because you will never change. Not really. Because who YOU ARE is fundamental–it’s YOU. And you are unacceptable."

So what do you do? In light of hurts, rejection, accusations, and graceless confrontation ... what do you do? Where do you run?

HOME.

I run home. Home.
To the One Place where I am fully known and fully loved.
All of my darkness–dealt with forever on the Cross of Christ.
All of my beauty–a mere reflection of True Beauty.
Each harsh criticism and cutting word–covered.
Every gentle hug and merciful friend–shadows of my real Home.

Never again misunderstood or misjudged.
Never kicked out or abandoned.
Wanted. Cherished. Loved.

Home.

How I pray that as we go throughout our Christmas week – and every day! – we will remember that Christ left Heaven for us. He left Home to rescue us. Falsely accused. Rejected. Abandoned. Attacked. So that we might never be homeless again.

Thank You, God, for the Incarnation!
Thank You, God, for giving Your children a Home. Forever.
Amen.

Don’t miss this wonderful read over at Carolyn McCulley’s Solo Femininity.

What a precious reminder of the goodness of God.
Thanks, Carolyn!
And be blessed, all–

Yours,
Tara B.

I had a horrible day yesterday. One of my lowest in a long time.

The last week grew progressively more difficult/challenging and then a surprising and sad event Saturday morning knocked me completely off my feet. Onto my face, again I fall.

There are many observations I could make about the combination of factors that went into my (inconvenience? suffering? sadness?) experience, but I’ll just note these few:

1. I think that my hormones are REALLY out of whack. I looked at the calendar and this will be my second cycle since the miscarriage and MAN–I just feel OFF. I’m tempted to not even mention that because I don’t want to sound like a whiner or use hormones as an excuse for sin or unbelief ... but my dear (wonderful! wise! thinks she might be perimenopausal) friend reminded me at church today that PMS/hormones can be a great window into our hearts. We “can't” keep it together during those times; our “areas in need of further sanctification” come out; and boy! We really need to gear up for the battle of faith’s fight against sin when we know we’ll be struggling with them.

2. Mercy really does triumph over judgment. Fred was just SO merciful to me–all day long. He left me alone. He came to me. He counseled me. He was silent and just let me cry. I am very, very grateful for Fred.

3. When someone is graceless to me, I am always tempted to be graceless right back. They stand and condemn me and I just want to pull away from them and thus, condemn them too. THANK GOD for repentance to say, “No!” to such a selfish response to relational suffering. I’m shaking. I’m sad. But I am striving to persevere in living out what I claim to believe in (yet another!) difficult relationship. (Oh! How MUCH I wish I were more like Samara or more like Fred—so easy to get along with; so happy and friendly and sweet. Everyone loves them; everyone wants to be their friend. Me? I just walk into a room and people are let down / hurt / offended / critical. BLECH. Some days, it’s just hard to keep trying.)

4. I freak out and feel most hopeless when I see no chance for CHANGE. When I look ahead to the future and it’s just more of the current, more of the same ... I despair. But God says that HE is the one working to bring HIS will to pass. That change is the NORM for a Christian. That even my sin and stupidity and fallenness and failures cannot thwart HIS glory and HIS power and HIS purposes. And so ... there is always, ALWAYS, hope.

(Guess it didn’t hurt that our sermon today was on hope in suffering too, eh? )

If you’re having a wonderful day ...
If you’re scared and rejected and lonely yet again ...

Happy, sad
Loved, despised
Wanted, rejected ...

Whatever this life is bringing you this very day–
Know that if you are in Christ, you ARE a new creation.
The old HAS gone and the new HAS come.

You ARE already!
And you are NOT YET.

But in Christ–all of God’s promises are YES for his children.

Hope for the day.
Hope for the day.

Sending you love from my bruised, but still beating, heart–

Your friend,
Tara B.

I’ve been reading “The Dog Whisperer” and then, convicted that I never gave Choza enough exercise, have been dutifully walking Lilikoi two and three times a day.

It’s been great for her training–she is still so young! But she is already learning to take the “beta dog” position and follow my lead (rather than pulling at the leash like Chozie always did). Plus, then the books says to feed her, play with her, and put her to bed. (Just like “dogs in the wild” would chase their food–exercise, eat their food, have some puppy pack fun time, and SLEEP.)

So that’s been a good routine for us AND it has the added benefit of getting me OUTSIDE in the early morning hours. AHHHHHHHHHH–I LOVE the morning. Always have. Even as a kid. I love the freshness of it and coolness of it–even during the hottest summer days, there is a squirt of refreshment that can be sipped if you’re just up early enough.

And it gets me exercising–which, I desperately need. I had no idea that I was SO out of shape until I started walking every single day, two and three times a day. I knew I was overweight but ... my body hurts! This is a great wake up call to continue to work on being a better steward of my health.

BUT ... even better than all that ... the time walking, alone (well sort of–but Lili is not interested in talking, just in picking up sticks and looking cute) ... it’s such a good time to THINK. Really think. Not think at a laptop like I usually do. Or think in spurts and starts like mothers of young children do throughout the course of our normal day.

But think–process–experience a related emotion–be tempted to shove it down–think again, “No! Wait! Let’s pray about that instead!”–and then to Pray. Really Pray. Not just think about praying or just WORRYING and somehow trying to justify that rehashing all of the details over and over and OVER again is prayer, not fretting. (Hah.)

This time to think and pray has been hard! Painful, even. Because I’m realizing that I’ve been running away from a lot of stuff again.

This time to think and pray has also been very, very good (of course). Because any time we remember truths about Who God is and truths about who we are and speak truth/life the Living Truth–JESUS–into our situations and into our hearts and lives ... well ... this is always the “best good.”

And so I am grateful–and I really need to let Lili out of her kennel now so we can hit the road.

But before I go I wanted to tell you something that I was convicted about on one of our walks last week:

My functional identity IS messed up.

Though I encourage you all to be “wholly defined by the gospel” every time I see you, speak at your events, write a note on this blog or on PeaceGals ... the truth is, I’ve fallen into a big ol' PIT. And it’s NASTY.

Now, I know that God is with me and His grace is toward me. I do! And the fact that I am even beginning to see this is just another evidence of His Spirit in me leading me to repentance and faith and BELIEF! (Praise His name!)

But it’s hard, isn’t it? To see our sin? To see our unbelief?

Here’s mine ... For most of my past (i.e., YEARS ago), I remember walking through life with an attitude (a “functional identity”) of:

"Hi, I’m Tara. I’m a Christian. I’d like to get to know you. Maybe we can be friends and I could bless you in some way because I’m fairly good at relationships and I’m really good at encouraging people and making people feel like they belong.

Plus–I love to serve, especially in secret. And doing little loving things for people just lights me up inside! I’m probably going to mess up somewhere along the line in our friendship, but please know that I never intend to hurt you and I promise to be QUICK to repent and seek your forgiveness because I’ll be very, very sorry when I mess up. I’m looking forward to whatever relationship God gives us. Let’s enjoy life and ministry together!"

For years now, though, deep down inside, my attitude–the functional identity through which I live my life–has been something diametrically different. It sounds much more like this:

"Hi, I’m Tara. You’re not going to like me because I’m really bad at relationships and I’ll probably do or say something to scare you off or offend you or hurt you or intimidate you. Even though I may ACT otherwise, REALLY ... I am an unloving person. I am mean and bad and a failure–I ruin everything I touch no matter how hard I try.

I know this because I learned it all from someone I trusted who not only was “older and wiser” and had an authority position over me, but was also in a father-figure position over me, AND was someone who had told me repeatedly that he cared about me as a friend. (So he must be right, right?) He told me that being “bad at relationships” and “unloving” is JUST THE WAY THAT I AM and that I’m NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. So I guess it must be truth.

So anyway ... guess you don’t want to spend much time with me, do you? I wouldn’t want to have to work with me on this project either, that’s OK. Here–let me help you find a friend who is “together” and “loving” and will be like a ZILLION times better than me at this relationship stuff. Really. Truly. I don’t blame you at all ... I wouldn’t want to be around me either."

EEK!

DOUBLE EEK!
Did it REALLY take a DOG who needed a WALK for me to have enough time and clarity and SILENCE to actually HEAR that wretched little whiny faithless voice inside of me?

Talk about a spiritual cancer of unbelief!

Come on–all of you guys who have read the good (BIBLICAL) stuff from CCEF ... what’s going on in “poor” little Tara’s heart?

Can we all say it together? BLAME-SHIFTING!
I’m stuck in some sort of a pitty-pot-party regarding how I relate to people and somehow in my fallenness I have “justified” it by blaming it “ALL” on what this ONE MAN said to me YEARS AGO.

Ridiculous when you admit it out loud.

Yes–this guy thinks I’m horrible at relationships.
Yes–he really does view me as extraordinarily unloving and, well, I guess just a terrible person to have to be around.
Yes–I’m pretty sure that everything I ever do gets interpreted by him in the worst possible light.
And Yes—I really, seriously doubt that his extremely low view of me will EVER change.

BUT COME ON!
Who cares!

Is my identity in this one man?
Or is my identity in The One Man?

Even this very morning (as Lili is hopping around in her kennel thinking, “PLEASE let me out to make some sheee-sheee”) ... I have a choice.

I can keep on pity-pot-partying and petting this mean, condemning, shaming voice inside of me. I can indulge this unbelief and Tara-centered, other-guy-who-rejected-me-centered thinking ... and bear the wretched emotions that come along with it!

OR ... by faith, I can repent.
Repent of my selfishness.
Repent of my judgmental heart toward this man who rejected and judged me so gracelessly and cruelly.
Repent of playing his words over and over and over again in my heart and my mind so much so that they really HAVE become WHO I AM.

(I seriously walk into a room and think, deep down, “I’m a failure. I cannot relate with people. I am bad at relationships. I am a horrible person who will only be rejected. I’ll try to be friendly, but I’ll screw up. I’ll try to be quiet and people will think I’m proud. I’ll talk too much. I’ll talk too little. I shouldn’t even try. WHY AM I HERE?!?!!” How Tara-centered & proud & unloving & faithless is THAT attitude? Where is Christ in it? Where is God’s glory?)

God is calling me to repent of believing LIES (or graceless criticism) instead of believing TRUTH–which does include grace-filled criticism at times.
To find myself wholly defined at each moment of every day by HIM.

But what does that look like in a situation like I’m describing?
I mean, yes, I get it in the abstract that God loves me. I am His. He is real. I am forgiven and wanted.

But what about when I walk into our first school orientation night and there are parents, teachers, and administrators everywhere? Or a dinner for the staff and family at Fred’s work?

What does it mean to REMEMBER THE GOSPEL in those situations?
To live by TRUTH rather than lies (or the graceless way other people have defined us).

How do drink in Christ so much so that it really doesn’t matter how much that one man disdains and rejects me ...
Because it doesn’t matter how much ANYONE rejects me ...
As long as I have Christ.

All the world can judge me a complete flop and failure. (And they may be very VERY right in many regards.)
But God says, “I am conforming you to the imagine of my Son, Tara” and “I am the One who wills it and I am the One Who IS working in you according to my good purposes.”

Do I have a long way to go?
ABSOLUTELY?

Along the way as I grow in sanctification and conformity to Christ–will I mess up?
Sure.

BUT AM I LOVED?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh—–that’s the $64,000 question isn’t it.
Am I loved?

NOT BY ALL. Obviously. Some will never love me or share kindness with me or give me any grace at all.
THAT’S OK.

I am loved.
Loved by God.
And that is enough!

But then I have many, many more evidences of grace in my life ...
Fred (so faithful and graceful and kind and true)
Sophia (whom I could kiss all day every day and never grow tired of it)
And some friends–not many–but a handful–who don’t give up on me.

Oh, Tara! STOP being defined by the one person who has treated you most cruelly and judged, betrayed, misled, rejected, crushed you.
Get over it!

Stop listening to THIS GUY’S words crashing around inside of your heart and mind–they are just the loveless words of one man that remind you of the loveless words of other men who all hurt you so very much during the most loveless, graceless, hopeless, horrible, awful, grievous, dark season of your entire life.

It’s time to let it go.
It well PAST time to let it go.

Give THEM grace.
Say, “Reject me! I will continue to do good to you.”
“Kick me out! I will only speak well of you and honor you.”
“Mock me behind my back; make a clique and exclude me forever–it’s OK. It’s a temporary embarrassment to be rejected by you. It will not last. One day, we will all be together forever anyway and all of these fleeting hurts will seem like NOTHING when we are before the throne of God and our opportunity to suffer has ended. Forever.”

And this day?
Please, God, help me to REJECT those lies and repent of my UNBELIEF and more than anything BELIEVE YOUR WORD.
Who are YOU, God?
And who am I in You, Lord?
And then LIVE ACCORDINGLY.

This is my prayer and I hope it is yours too, my blog-reading friends.

Today is Sunday!
The best day of the week!

Off to church and then on to fellowship–
All for God’s glory.

Love you all!

God bles you,
Tara B.

HT to Barbara Curtis (again!) for posting this sweet, poignant video. (And she thanked “Spunky” too ... so who knows who posted it first?)

It totally reminded me of our own church’s sweet Liam–who lived only twelve hours, but was deeply and dearly loved. (And Liam is missed today!)

I remember marveling at the packed church, the tiny white coffin, and the sobbing that our pastor (Liam’s uncle) led us all in even from the pulpit.

And I’ll never forget the astoundingly long line of cars crawling slowly through town to the cemetery ... I remember thinking, “If people saw so many cars for a funeral procession, they must be thinking, ‘Who died? Must’ve been someone IMPORTANT! Maybe even FAMOUS! They must’ve accomplished a LOT for so many people to care.’”

But of course, all Liam did was breathe in and out. His family members held him, bathed him, kissed him, loved him, and he died.

God marked out his life at twelve hours. And Liam glorified God.

ANYWAY ... so much loss in this life! Be encouraged if you want to take four minutes and watch this video.

Love to all,
Tara B.

Would you please say a prayer for our family as we are facing the imminent death of our beloved Grandma Marjorie? I would really appreciate it.

Marjorie is mother to “my sister’s Fred.”

(Yes, two sisters. Two Freds. How funny, eh? To both marry guys named Fred. My dad used to call them “Fred Number 1 and Fred Number 2.”)

Grandma Marjorie moved in with Kali and “her Fred” a few years ago and has been a wonderful part of all of our lives. She is patient, appreciative, funny, sweet, loving ... everything you’d want in a Grandma for your daughter.

She could be gone already–even as I type this–and, of course, we have to break the news to Sophia (especially because we have a trip to Chicago planned for ten days from now and it will be very strange to not see Grandma Marjorie).

(Boy–there’s been a lot of death in Sophie’s life lately. I pray that God will guard her little heart.)

Marjorie actually went into the hospital the same day I did (for my miscarriage) ... it was a very sad and stressful week especially for my sister because we are such close friends.

So thanks for praying! And I hope you’re all doing well.

I actually repented of some serious worry this morning when I was walking Lili and actually, you know, PRAYED. It was a great gift of God.

Love to all,
Tara B.

PS
Here are some of my favorite pictures of Grandma Marjorie and Sophia over the years ...

I read this essay by Jill Carattini (of RZIM ministries) and thought, “Hmmmmmm ... why AM I crying?”

So now I’m going offline–the good ol' fashioned prayer life on my face before God to write it out and cry it out and hopefully come to some insight and repentance and Godward focus again.

Take a minute and read her essay. It is time well spent.

Happy, Blessed Monday to you!
– Tara B.

I know that I should say a heartfelt, “Happy Mother’s Day!” to all of you mommas out there ... and so I will. “Happy Mother’s Day” and God bless you!

But to all of you mommas AND to all of us who would LIKE to be a momma but aren’t yet (or can’t ever be by birth)–

to all of the women who are mommas of babies in Heaven (even those whom we killed by our own hands through abortion but whom we now miss and long for and regret our heinous sin)–

to all of the mommas who would LIKE to love their children / step-children / in-law-children ... but find it SO HARD because of long histories of pain, rejection, gracelessness, unresolved conflict, addictions, meanness, rudeness, even hatred (and for the children/stepchildren/in-law-children who could say the same right back at us!)–

to women and men and children–

I say ... Happy Sunday!

Happy Sunday to us all ...
The Lord’s Day.
A Day to Remember

–Who God is and all He HAS done for us in Christ.

–A Day to Remember that no relationship is hopeless. (God raises the dead!)

–No arms are ever fully empty. (We can ALWAYS enter into someone’s life and heart and hold and carry and love.)

–No grief or anger or bitterness can ultimately consume us. (FOR IT IS GOD Who works in us and HE will conform us to Christ and complete HIS good work.)

–We do have a Home. And we CAN rest. No matter what our circumstance.

May we remember!
And worship GOD.

Happy Sunday, friends.

Love to you all,
Tara B.

We have had a horrible day around here. Not horrible in the “true horror” of actual loss / presence of evil / real suffering in this fallen world ...

Just annoyingly BLECH.

It really started last night–EVERYONE was in a bad mood. And tired. And cranky.

Family worship and devotions only gave us all more opportunities to grouse–even while we were trying to read and worship and pray together! AUGH! Our wicked hearts!

We were all reconciled by the end of the day and hoping for a good day today.
(Yeah, right.)

Instead we had grouchy hearts again. AND some defiance/whining from Sophia.
We were running late trying to get out the door (of course).
And I tripped over the puppy gate and TOTALLY GASHED MY KNEE.
Instant huge bruise! Bleeding! The whole bit.

And WHY were we running out the door? To get to my CAN YOU SAY NOT FUN first doctor’s appointment after the miscarriage (of course).
(Yeah, I was really looking forward to THAT.)

So yes, I apologized to Sophia and she to me.
(I’m so grateful that she is so quick to forgive me!! I can be the world’s worst mother some days.)

There we are–cranking through the morning–doing OK, not great, but bearable.

So then I reach out to a few friends on my cell phone as we’re running errands.
And then I’m reminded of something that makes me very sad.
(Because, you know, I didn’t really think my day could get any worse.)

It’s not an offense.
There’s no conflict.
It’s just reality and it hurts ...

I have a certain friend in my life whom, well, I enjoy more than she enjoys me.
That’s just the way it is.

She loves me! I know this.
And she is a dear, dear friend.
BUT ...

The truth is that I’m sure I consider her a closer friend than she considers me.
I’ve always known this–and so I just enjoy the friendship she shares with me and don’t expect or look for any more.

BUT ... but ... but ...
After “that” appointment ...
With a very sore knee ...
And I think my hormones as completely OUT OF WHACK as you can imagine ...
And feeling tired and lonely and scared and CONCERNED about some projects I have on my to-do list ...
Having just dropped off my maternity clothes at a crisis pregnancy shelter ...
And thinking (based on the tone of voice I used this morning with my daughter), that I’m pretty much the worst mother ever ...

I think I just didn’t need that reminder right then.

Ahh–but such is life.
And the truth is that I really enjoy this gal! She’s been a blessing to me for years and I thank God for her.

Can’t be wigging out when our hopes/expectations are not met, can we?
Nothing good to be gained there.

Just life.
Feels good to even just journal/blog/pray it out.
And let it go.

I’m a blessed woman!
Clean water–a warm home
Salvation and the hope and assurance of my ultimate Home one day
A loving husband and a dear (even when she’s driving me CRAZY) daughter
Even a Golden named Lilikoi.

Who am I to complain?
But I do think I’ll go and have a good cry now.

Even Jesus wept, right?
I know that it’s OK to grieve. And so I shall.

Love to all!

Your friend,
Tara B.

PS
Just so you don’t think I’m TOO lost in the depths of despair ...
I AM reminding myself that no matter WHAT my sins or offenses are toward my daughter, God’s grace is toward me and there is forgiveness.

Oh–and I’m also remembering that it won’t always feel like this. Just a bad day. No biggie.

I am in a VERY odd place physically right now–having been up since 6AM Wednesday morning in Hawaii; being up right now at 10:15PM Thursday in Montana and about to leave for the airport to pick up our new Golden Retriever puppy, Lilikoi ("Lilly"); and having to wake up at 4:30AM (tomorrow? my body wonders what DAY IT IS!!??!!) to take my parents to the airport to head home.

Seriously.
I set three alarms: one for 10:00PM (get the puppy); one for 4:30AM (take parents to airpot); and one for 7:30AM (must get Fred to a meeting!).
Weird.

ANYWAY ... I’ve been thinking a lot in my sleepless state about how strange grief is.
Or maybe–how strange I AM, particularly in regards to grief.

For instance ... why did I FREAK OUT SO MUCH when my sweet Golden Retriever, Choza, died last December?

But then NOT completely and utterly fall apart when we lost the baby last week? (Only ten days ago! I can’t believe it.)

Do I care more about a DOG?
Is a dog more important than a covenant child with a SOUL?
OF COURSE NOT!

So what’s going on?
I don’t know, of course. Not really. Not 100%.

But I’ve been thinking about how our grief concerning our lost child is a grief that has to do with POTENTIAL joy and POTENTIAL sorrow. (I.e., we never saw him or her; death came even before the first ultrasound or heartbeat.)

But with Choza, I had experienced true companionship and happiness and “real” (tangible) evidences of God’s grace to me during this life day after day after day for YEARS. And that was a loss.

Plus–I FELT SUCH GUILT OVER CHOZA’S DEATH! Truly. I blamed myself for not keeping her safe. I’m crying now, in fact, even just thinking about it.

But with the baby? Even I–Tara–SO PRONE to self-condemnation!–can’t come up with a way to blame myself for the miscarriage of this (precious! loved!) child. I was sitting there and then I started hemorrhaging and then the baby was gone. Almost immediately. As soon as it started it was over. I couldn’t stop it or affect any more than I could stop the sun from rising or affect the rotation of the earth.

So I think a lot of my freaking out with Choza was not so much grief and it was GUILT. And I had to ask for God’s forgiveness and then trust in His forgiveness–not just for my sins, but His grace to cover my mistakes and inadequacies and humanness too.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about grief is how, sometimes, it seems like the “BIG STUFF” almost has a–not less, but different–effect than the smaller losses in day to day life.

Like God’s grace just POURS OUT in such a HUGE and TANGIBLE way right when we need it ... that we are carried.
But at other times, He gives us grace as we kick a bit in the pool to keep our heads above water.

'Course, the realities of life and not having any TIME to sit and have a good cry also come in at times too, eh?

WELL ... if any of this is making ANY sense ... I wanted to let you all know about an opportunity to help someone who is in a HUGE, OVERWHELMINGLY DIFFICULT, grievous situation. She is a young mom with young children (one of whom has special needs) and she was recently diagnosed with cancer. And she could use our help.

(It’s not a scam. Really. I’m the most skeptical human on the earth. Trust me. Check it out. And consider giving too. We did–and again, no “help my husband in Nairobi and get rich” email scam here. This the real thing.)

You’ll be glad you did.

Gotta go get Lili now.
Pics coming soon! Of course.

Love ya,
Tara B.

Just got off of the phone with my mom and BOY! is Sophia having a wonderful time with Grandpa and Granma. A few of my favorite highlights from our call:

- Soph actually beat my mom in CandyLand. For real. (Totally cracked me up.)

- My stepdad, Charlie, was initially cautious about taking care of Sophie (he hasn’t been around a lot of preschoolers lately) ... he loves her, but he was nervous. But over the course of the week, she has climbed up into his lap, brought him books to read to her, hugged him, kissed him, asked for his help (and received PERFECTLY COMPETENT HELP) enough times that now, HE’S ALL OVER THE GRANDPA THING. (And loving it of course.) He even beat my mom up and out of bed in the night when Sophie cried out (she’s getting another ear infection!) and comforted her back to sleep. SO SWEET!

- Our small group met in our home last night and apparently, another “white haired old man Texan” (our “Grandpa Bill” from our covenant church family) and Charlie had them rolling in the aisles with tales of “the old days.” (Wish I could’ve heard 'em.)

At anyrate–they’re all having a great time (which I knew they would) and I’m really grateful that mom and Charlie are there to take care of her.

One thing from the call made my momma’s heart a little sad, though ...

When Sophie got on the phone to visit with me, she asked if the puppy ("Lili") was going to come this week and said, “YES!” (Hooray!) But the very next thing she asked was, “Did the puppy DIE, Momma?”

(!!)

“No, honey, the puppy didn’t die. Lili will be here in just a couple of DAYS.”
“And we’ll give her kisses, Momma?”
“Yes, dear.”
“And toys and scritches and take her on WALKS together?”
“You bet!”

But isn’t that just so SAD that a three year old is even THINKING about the puppy dying?
I guess she’s had “a lot” of death in the last few months. (Not a lot compared to some kids of course, but you know, a lot for her.)

It just makes me sad that she even has to think about it all.
But of course she does–until Heaven.
Life in a fallen world.
Death is NOT the final word ... but it is present until Glory.

Thinking about all this, I was reminded of another wonderful essay by a dear sister in the faith, Carolyn McCulley, at Solo Femininity. She wrote it after the horrors of this week in Virginia:

Tears No More

I encourage you to take a few moments and check it out–I trust it will minister to you like it ministered to me.

We head to the airport tonight at like 6PM to fly all night and get home tomorrow around noon. (Eek! Are we going to be TIRED or WHAT?!)

Hope you enjoy a wonderful Wednesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

(HT to Jill Carattini. Again!)

"Let no one grieve at his poverty,
for the universal kingdom has been revealed.

Let no one mourn that he has fallen again and again;
for forgiveness has risen from the grave.

Let no one fear death,
for the Death of our Savior has set us free.

He has destroyed it by enduring it."

(John Chrysostom’s Easter homily)

Another STELLAR essay by Jill Carattini over at Ravi Zacharias Ministries:

"Like Him We Rise"

I’ll tempt you with just a few lines wherein she quotes Walter Wangerin:

Author Walter Wangerin Jr. once wrote, “The difference between shallow happiness and a deep, sustaining joy is sorrow. Happiness lives where sorrow is not. When sorrow arrives, happiness dies. It can’t stand pain. Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief. Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character, and of character into hope–and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend upon it) disappoint us.”

I’m thinking about this topic a LOT this week as I process the fact that, unless I am mistaken, every Easter from now until Glory will always bring our family a special remembrance of the child we lost this week. (Especially so since I started to miscarry during the afternoon of Easter Sunday.)

People have been so kind to reach out to us with notes, cards, letters, flowers ... friendship and love.
We ARE comforted.

And honestly? Even as we GULP every time we mistakenly say something like, “Yes, Sophie, I’m having my vitamins to help the BABY grow healthy and ... well, I mean, it’s good to take our vitamins, right?!” or when Fred prays, “And thank You God, for helping our baby to grow healthy and ... oh, I mean, thank You for our precious baby who is in Heaven with you right now ...”

Even then, I have to say ... we have much joy.
And hope.
And comfort.

I guess that’s why her essay resonated so strongly with me.
(Plus, I’m just a HUGE Jill Carattini devotee! I think I should start a fan club or something. )

Hope you’ll take the time to click through – and also please do consider supporting Ravi Zacharias Ministries.

Aloha! And God bless you–

Your friend,
Tara B.

Can’t say I’m surprised to find myself awake in the middle of the night.
What a day! What a sad, sad day.

But what a good day in so many ways too.
We could tell you example after example of God’s sweet ministry of grace to us!

- This happened at HOME (instead of on a six-hour flight over the pacific ocean! that would’ve been terrifying!);

- We had access to a wonderful hospital that admitted me quickly and provided excellent medical care;

- My dear friend stopped by and spent a long time with us at just the right time; shared of her own (almost identical) loss; cried with us and prayed with us and even made us laugh! She was a gift of God to us;

- Our pastor called; our elder called–and both said that they loved us. Can you imagine? How many men say, “I love you” to their sheep? It warmed me even through my shaking;

- Everything happened quickly. Very, very quickly. It was horrifying at first–but once it was clear that the baby was gone, it really was a mercy to have everything go so fast.

- Fred could be with me and our dear, wonderful friend took Sophie with absolutely NO warning (a call, we’re losing the baby, can you take Sophie?, and we didn’t even put her in clothing–we just dropped her off in her PJ’s! such a friend!);

- As of right now, I’m NOT giving into the “what did I do wrong” or “how could I have avoided this” line of thinking (those of you who know how easily I am prone to self-condemning thoughts will know how this is a true grace!); I woke up startled by a “you reap what you sow” thought. But I did speak truth right back to it: “This life–in a fallen world!–is nothing but a constant death. And many horrors in life happen NOT as a result of sin but simply because we live in a fallen world.”

I could go on and on–but instead I’m going to try to rest.

My parents arrive tonight! We’re all very excited. I’m also very glad that they won’t care at ALL that the house is SO not clean. At ALL.

Now if I can just (slowly, carefully, not picking up much) get all this LAUNDRY done!

Thanks again for your prayers and encouraging comments and emails.
I hope you have a wonderful Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

...and the Lord taketh away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord!

We lost the baby this morning.

From everything I’ve read and what I understand, we had a “typical”/"common" first trimester miscarriage.
They couldn’t tell if the baby was a girl or a boy.
But Fred and I are so comforted in knowing that this child was the Lord’s.
By faith–we are clinging to every covenant promise and thanking God for His goodness.

Thanks for praying for us–we’re going to get Sophia soon and tell her that God took our baby straight to Heaven.

Your friend,
Tara B.

PS
A little update ... we’re all home now.
Sophie was very sweet in her response to the news ... she responded by saying, “Will we get a new baby?” I responded, “I don’t know, love.”
So then she said, “I’ll go to my room and pray.” And she did.
A few minutes later she came back and said, “I prayed for you, Momma, and for Daddy too. And I asked God if we would get a new baby.”

Life is good.
Tears and grace. Lots of grace.
Thanks for the sweet comments! I do pray for you all and love you.
Yours,
t

I was SO SICK in the night. I almost called for Fred to have him take me to the hospital ... gastrointestinal distress with such an EXTREMELY HIGH level of pain that I thought, “This can’t be good for the baby.”

But thankfully, after an hour or so writhing in pain with the window open in the bathroom (even with the snow! but I was SO nauseas I couldn’t bear it), things calmed down enough for me to get a little more sleep. Until I got up an hour or so again, sick some more, but without the distress.

So why am I telling you all this (icky) stuff?
Two reasons ...

Trying to distract myself last night and get through it, I grabbed David Powlison’s Seeing with New Eyes–Counseling and the Human Condition through the Lens of Scripture, and I was reminded again of just how amazing these CCEF guys are.

I read pages & pages–but one quote stayed with me when I woke up this morning:

"Jesus says, ‘Don’t be afraid, little flock.’ It’s the only place in the Bible where that phrase, ‘little flock,’ is used. It’s a vivid picture of a flock of sheep small enough that the shepherd knows all their names, their personalities, and what each one faces. Jesus makes sure we know that God is not reluctant to love us. Do not worry, because, ‘Your Father has gladly chosen to give you the kingdom.’"

WHAT an encouragement!

“Do not be afraid, little flock.”

It’s Tuesday–what will you face today?
“Do not be afraid, little flock.”
God is with you.
God is good.

The second reason I blogged this (I hope NOT TMI) blog?
Because being in so much physical pain was such a strong reminder to PRAY for my friends who suffer from chronic physical pain.

I just don’t know what it is like to face death through the valley of dying from breast cancer–the suffering, the pain, the horror.

Or to be fighting brain cancer with powerful drugs and invasive surgeries–and facing pain beyond what I could ever imagine!

Friends who have arthritis, colitis, constant back pain, CFS, fibromyalgia ...

Even just an hour of extreme pain last night drew me to pray for them all. And I hope you will pray for, and encourage!, and diaconally reach out to!, the people in your life who wake up to pain, and live through pain, and try to go to sleep with pain every single day of their lives.

“Do not be afraid, little flock.”
Your Father is with you–even through this suffering.
Jesus has deprived the world of its power to ultimately harm you.
Though He slay me–I will trust in Him.

Praying for you!

With love,
Tara B.

Please pray for my dear friend’s nephew just born today with medical complications that could be life-threatening. (He apparently had pneumonia in utero and breathed fluids during delivery. His lungs are at risk and he is on oxygen now.)

This poor family! I do not believe that the parents would say that they are Christians. (I don’t mean to put words in their mouths—but that is my understanding. Although the mom used to lead Bible studies with a parachurch undergrad ministry when I was in college, I don’t believe that she professes faith in Christ today. I met her sister in grad school and her sister ended up one of my dearest friends in life.)

My friend (the aunt of this baby) and her husband are the guardians for Sophia if Fred and I were to pass. I love them all so much and my heart is breaking just picturing this precious baby and his wonderful family in such a precarious state today.

God is sovereign! And God is good.
Please do pray. Thank you!

I just found out that a dear friend of mine was recently verbally hurt by her dad. (Strange, because I had a stressful dream about my own dad last night and then I woke up at 6:30AM–on the EAST COAST!! so, like, 4:30 for my Montana bod–and found her email in my Inbox.)

I immediately prayed for her (of course) and tried to encourage her in an email response. (Since I didn’t think I should be calling anyone on the west coast at that hour.)

I’ve changed the name and details ... but I thought that you might be helped by what I wrote too, so here it is.

Blessed Friday to you all! I’m off to speak in just over an hour.
May God be lifted up!

Your friend,
Tara B.

—————————————————-

OK. So first of all. THIS IS NOT PARANOIA.

(Eek! Sorry to use all caps. Does it sound like I’m yelling? I don’t mean that! What I mean is … I’m SO INCREDIBLY SORRY MY FRIEND HAS BEEN SO HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Dearest Carol—You have been attacked. Unjustly accused. Wrongly hurt. (By someone who SHOULD BE LAYING DOWN HIS LIFE TO PROTECT YOU!)

Something you did touched something deep in this man’s HEART.
Your words are not the CAUSE.
Your words are not the REASON.

When someone (especially a Believer! You didn’t specify, but I’m assuming you think that your dad is is saved/regenerate) … when a Christian attacks like this? Something is going on.
You are not the cause, you are the occasion.

It really doesn’t have a lot to do with you—but yes, of course you’ll shake for awhile. It’s always a SHOCK when we are attacked (especially by our FATHER!) and adrenaline is a powerful drug. That’s why you shake.

Dearest, darling friend … It will NOT always feel like this.
But it may take some serious time to get through it.
GOD WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT.

You will continue to grieve.
You may have the opportunity to Gently Restore and help this brother. You may not.

It may take months.
It may take years. (It took years for me when my pastor attacked me like this.)
But your new church will help you.
Your husband will help you.
Even your children will help you.

Most of all: God is with you!
His Spirit is alive in you!
Christ intercedes for you!

This hurts. You are right to grieve. You are suffering!
But you suffer with Hope.

If this man is not a Believer, he will go to Hell and exist eternally in suffering that would make our suffering now seem like, well, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
If he is a brother—then Christ died for THIS SPECIFIC SIN AGAINST YOU.

It will be made right, Carol.
Ultimately. One day—this injustice will be righted. But it might not happen in this life. It might—and we can pursue genuine peace as the Lord allows.

But you may just have this (crushing! painful! horrible!) crown of suffering to lay at the feet of Jesus when you get to Heaven.
To count it all joy to suffer as He suffered—cruelly attacked by even His closest friends.

You know—I once heard a Bible teacher say once that when we’re attacked, we can learn to say: “I pity you for your graceless criticism of me, because it reveals the appalling condition of your heart.”

Doesn’t help much when we’re in the throws of suffering!
But it’s true.

PRAISE GOD that you were saturated with Christ and did not return evil for evil!
Carol—THAT WAS AN ETERNAL VICTORY FOR CHRIST THAT GIVES TESTIMONY TO THE TRUTH OF THE GOSPEL AND LIFTS UP CHRIST!!!!!!!!

So … continue what you’re doing. (I know you know all this.)
- Worship God even through your tears.
- Do not forsake the meeting of the saints (even if you weep through every service—I’ve been there).
- Get help/accountability/counsel so that a root of bitterness does NOT well up (and give the devil a foothold).

Remember that even as AWFUL as what he did IS (and IT IS!!!), you are just as bad as this guy. You are. You think you’d never do what he’s done … but you would. You would do this, you would do worse. APART FROM CHRIST—your wretched heart is just as black and his. If there is any grace in you, it is CHRIST in you. So who are you to judge your brother?

Repent of when/if your genuine sorrow and grief turns a corner into sinful bitterness.
Repent of any thoughts that put him in a pit and you up on a pedestal.
AND RUN TO CHRIST, dear one.
He WILL help you. Comfort you. Give you what you need to walk this uphill, rocky path.

I’m sorry this happened to you.
I wish I could’ve protected you. Thrown my body in front of the bullet and kept you from this horrible pain.
I wish I could make it go away.
But I know that God is with you.
And so I know that ultimately—you will be OK.

Thank you for sharing your pain with me!
I will be praying for you.

With love,
Tara

PS
When I was attacked like this, I LIVED in 1 Peter and Romans 3, 5, and 12 for a LONG time.

“For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God.” 1 Peter 2:19

“So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.” 1 Peter 4:19

Another STELLAR daily devotional from Ravi Zacharias Ministries. (Do you subscribe yet? )

Please check it out–you’ll be blessed!

I’ll tempt you with just one line:

"G.K. Chesterton makes a significant point: there is a world of difference between sorrow and pessimism. He explains, “Sorrow is founded on the value of something, and pessimism upon the value of nothing.”"

Another of my all-time heroes of the faith, Ajith Fernando, has requested prayer for his travels to the Urbana Missions Conference. Please do pray for this dear pastor and brother in Christ (and his family–who sacrifices each day to support and enable his ministry).

And please be blessed by his recent reflections on Christmas! (I’ve highlighted a few passages in it–so please note that the emphases are mine.)

Happy, Blessed Christmas to you, my friends–

Yours in Christ,
Tara B.

A SUBDUED CHRISTMAS
by Ajith Fernando

"Some of you were a little concerned that in my last letter I seemed to be open to the possibility of not going to Urbana because of the flu epidemic. Let me share my thinking about this.

I knew that there was a substitute at Urbana who had prepared Bible studies on the same passages. He would fill in for me if I could not make it. Actually he sent me his manuscripts before I completed mine!!

My first Urbana in 1987 was the time I was introduced somewhat prominently to a wider international audience. I do not think that international ministry is a big deal in comparison with non-prominent grassroots ministry. But that seems to be part of my call, and Urbana 87 opened doors for that aspect. I went to Urbana in 1987 because the scheduled speaker could not come. I told God that, in the same way if he wants to give this other brother a wider exposure through my getting sick, I will gladly surrender my place to him.

This opens the door to discuss a bigger issue: ­the place of suffering in God’s plan for individual Christians. I have always felt that if my people suffer, I would count it a privilege to suffer with them. One of the greatest things about the incarnation is that we know that Jesus understand us because he suffered like us (Heb. 2:18 ). This is why I believe God permitted many wonderful Christians in Sri Lanka to suffer from the tsunami. That gave us solidarity with our people. In order to have a lasting impact upon our hurting nation, we Christians will need to suffer as our people suffer. This was one of the many reasons for the tribulation that Jesus promised we would have in this world (Matt. 13:21; John 16:33).

By the way Rodney Stark in his brilliant book The Rise of Christianity shows that the way Christians responded during two epidemics that hit the Roman Empire had a lot to do with the people becoming favorably disposed towards Christianity, resulting finally in large numbers becoming Christians.

But what difference does Christ and his work make amidst epidemics and tragedies? A huge difference! However severe our suffering, we have Jesus and his joy and peace­and that is our greatest treasure in life. We are richer than the richest billionaire when we have Jesus and the inexpressible joy (1 Pet. 1:8 ) and the peace which surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:7) that he gives. When we relish Jesus even our trials become opportunities to understand new lessons about the most precious things in our lives: ­Jesus and his joy and peace.

The happiest people in the world are not those who do not have problems; they are those who are not afraid of problems. Jesus said, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world"(John 16:33). That is what is so special about us. We serve a Master who has overcome the world. Therefore nothing in this world can take away our joy and peace.

So sickness could be a means to glorify just as the cruel death of Christ was. I believe we need to pray for healing believing that God can heal miraculously. Some people, especially those with the healing gift, will know without a doubt that God will surely heal in answer to their prayers. But health is not such a big deal. The big deal is that Jesus loves us. Because of that we look at life with a smile on our faces. Life is beautiful because Jesus is for us. That is our basic approach to life.

All this has fashioned our celebration of Christmas this year. We have thousands of refugees in the North and the South of Sri Lanka. We have many sad homes in the North and the South because of the death or serious injury in the war. Many are struggling just to have their basic necessities because of escalating prices in war affected areas. In such an environment it would be ridiculous for Christians to give themselves to excessive merry-making and expenditure this Christmas.

Many of us have decided that we will not purchase gifts except what we usually give to the very poor. Instead the money saved will be sent to bring some relief to the suffering people of Sri Lanka. At our staff Christmas party, we had a simpler meal than usual and gave the funds saved for the same purpose.

But this we can do: We can rejoice in the fact that God entered the experience of suffering humanity through the incarnation and brought us salvation, life, light and liberation. This is a time to praise God for that with glad hearts. Singing will always we a part of any Christmas­ ... subdued or not.

Today I sang a song for my devotions that goes like this:

You can have a song in your heart in the night,
After ev’ry trial, after ev’ry mile;
Anyone can sing when the sun’s shining bright,
But you need a song in your heart at night. (Ira Stanphill)

A subdued Christmas? Sometimes. A happy Christmas? Always! And that is what I wish for you this Christmas.

As for me, I will spend all of Christmas day, in airplanes and airports, away from my beloved family. But Jesus will be there. So I too can have a happy Christmas."

The Peace of Christmas-Time

"Dearest, how hard it is to say
That all is for the best,
Since, sometimes, in a grievous way
God’s will is manifest.

See with what hearty, noisy glee
Our little ones to-night
Dance round and round our Christmas tree
With pretty toys bedight.

Dearest, one voice they may not hear,
One face they may not see –
Ah, what of all this Christmas cheer
Cometh to you and me?

Cometh before our misty eyes
That other little face,
And we clasp, in tender, reverent wise,
That love in the old embrace.

Dearest, the Christ-child walks to-night,
Bringing his peace to men,
And he bringeth to you and to me the light
Of the old, old years again.

Bringeth the peace of long ago,
When a wee one clasped your knee
And lisped of the morrow – dear one, you know –
And here come back is he!

Dearest, ’t is sometimes hard to say
That all is for the best,
For, often, in a grievous way
God’s will is manifest.

But in the grace of this holy night
That bringeth us back our child,
Let us see that the ways of God are right,
And so be reconciled."

Eugene Field

Our pastor, Jason Barrie, preached from Psalm 63 this morning. There were so many wonderful teaching points, that I’d have to reproduce the sermon to capture them all.

But I wanted to be sure to share one with you ...

Speaking, of course, about King David as he is running away from his own son, Absalom (talk about things “NOT being the way they ought to be!”), King David concludes that God’s love is better than life.

Pastor Jason reminded us that David could have longed for his castle, rich foods, his many concubines ... whatever ... but instead, he finds his hope and satisfaction in God alone.

Just think about it! Remember the gospel! What is TRUE in life ...

God loves me.
God has moved into my life.
He is good.
He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I want God more than life. More than all of the JOYS of life.
My heart is satisfied because I am cleaving to God.

I’m sitting here this evening
thinking
reading
pondering
repenting.

How I pray that I will not get up from this place before I can make the same statement that Pastor Jason made as he described the state of King David’s heart even during that painful, dark time:

"There is desert all around but no desert in my heart."

Amen. Amen.
Let it be so, I pray.

Two Sundays ago, one of our elders led the congregation in a corporate prayer time that began with the statement:

"In the coming year, my prayer would be that ..."

As corporate prayer almost always is, it was humbling and edifying to hear the prayer requests of my brothers and sisters in Christ. The one that stuck with me the most came from a homeschooling-Mama-brilliant-theologian-not-perfect-but-boy-she's-great-and-I'd-love-to-be-more-like-her woman who prayed this:

- " ... that I would understand more deeply how the resurrection of Jesus Christ applies to every moment of my life."

Oh, The Body! I’m always amazed by The Church.

One aspect of our local church is our small group ministry. Last night in our small group, Fred asked us to finish that same prayer request statement ("In the coming year, my prayer would be that ...").

I chuckled with tears in my eyes as my sweet, dear friend explained how she wanted to pray, “ ... that I would know God more,” but how the LAST time she prayed that prayer she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Of course, she then explained how she wouldn’t change a THING because it truly was an intimate time of experiencing God’s love and kindness in her life.

(And THAT led us all into a discussion of just how MUCH of the Christian life is really just persevering in the daily-ness of life. “Mountain-top experiences” and those times of “feeling” close to the Lord are great–even those that come through the fire of suffering–but most of real-life is just daily living. We worship God because He is God–not because He makes us “feel good.” We trust in His love for us not because we have ANY sense of it–but because His Word and His promises in Christ are True. Period. And we don’t need to bounce back and forth from one thing to the other looking for excitement or “bliss,”–because, actually, most of life is just life–a lot of work, often suffering, sometimes delights and sometimes pleasures. A long journey before we get to go Home one day to Heaven.)

So are you curious as to what I prayed for?

I prayed that the Lord would forgive my unbelief and lack of faith and root out this thread of bitterness that I believe I have living in my heart. (You know–when true suffering and faith-filled grieving turns an ugly corner into bitterness and you’re left with a rancid, destructive POISON inside of you?)

I could be wrong–but I do think it’s there. This sadness, this ache.

Maybe it will be eternity before it is fully gone. Maybe. But I do want to continue to get help within the church to do everything I can to wage war against faithlessness, pitty-pot-poor-me-ness, prideful self-focus, the (feels good at the time but ultimately is of no eternal worth) BLAME GAME, etc. etc.

I’ve seen bitterness RUIN the lives of too many people that I really love. They’re mad over things that happened to them as children, teenagers, new Christians in their twenties. They harbor grudges toward ex-spouses, employers, parents. Their daydreams consist of VINDICATION and financial remuneration for THEM ... and harm, suffering, public humiliation, PAIN for those who hurt them.

May God protect us from ourselves! I’m just like them. I am.
Well–I don’t want to become them. I really don’t.
I don’t want to have this slightly-ticked-off EDGE to my heart that shades everything I do and say.
No!

Instead, my prayer is that I would repent ... of unbelief that questions the goodness of God over all of my life; of selfishness and pride that would dare put myself “above” those who have hurt me (and continue to hurt me); of making an idol out of justice (wanting it too much!) and forgetting my desperate need for MERCY ... that I would turn away from myself and my sin and worship God rightly. Love Him. And honor Him. And rejoice in HIS sanctifying work in me.

So how would YOU complete that statement? “In the coming year, my prayer would be ...”

(Thanks, Elder Friesen, for leading us all in this prayer! May God be glorified.)

Love to all and happy Wednesday!
– Tara B.

If you’ve tried to join our discussion board and NOT received a password/login, would you PLEASE email me and let me know?

As some of you may have noticed, we’re having a bit of a struggle keeping SPAM (especially pornography SPAM! Ick!!!) off of my blog and our discussion board, so some legitimate friends may have been denied a login.

SO sorry for the inconvenience!
Thanks for letting me know.

(Oh – and if you email me, you’ll probably get my “out of the office until 8/22” autoreply, as soon as I can get to my computer and Fred is awake, I’ll try to cancel that. But please trust that I’ll get your email soon.)

Thanks, friends!
– Tara B.

This week I received another email from pastor and professor (and missionary and hero of the faith!) Ajith Fernando and I was (yet again!) reminded of the goodness and the glory of God ... and thus drawn to worship Him more rightly.

Since so much of peacemaking involves suffering ... (check out my “Search Past Blog Entries” on Suffering and you’ll see that I’ve posted on this topic a LOT), I thought it might be a particular encouragement to you all. Hope so.

Sending you my love,
Tara Barthel

PS
If you don’t yet know Dr. Fernando and his ministry and books, I urge you to get to know him. Of all of the ministries and missionaries we can support and pray for in the world, I think he is (by far!) at the top of the list. Thanks, friends! – tkb

PPS
This is just a TINY excerpt from a long letter to his supporters on his recent trip to Cambodia. I do hope that we can all pray just as he gently requested.

SUFFERING AND GLORY

My next assignment was with a group called Timothys All Programme­a ministry which brings together key Cambodian leaders for fellowship, mutual mentoring and instruction. The church here is very young, and therefore this is a vitally important ministry as these leaders will help forge the ethos of the church God is building in Cambodia. The contact was made through Sri Lankans Inpa and Vana Eliezer who have served here for nine years under CMS Australia. How proud I was to see Sri Lankans doing such a good work!

I spoke on the Minister’s call to Joy and Pain. Soon I realised that I was not qualified to speak to these people on suffering. They had gone through the Khmer Rouge era that saw the death of 1-2 million people out of a population of about 8 million. One lady in our group had lost her husband and little child. A pastor had lost his mother and brother. I proceeded with the teaching with the confidence that what I have to offer to these people was not my wisdom but Biblical truth which is God’s unique Word to them.

As a Bible teacher I do not usually encounter spectacular results in my ministry. My hope is that, through the teaching, Christians will be edified and equipped to serve God better. The response of the 17 leaders at this retreat was more marked than when I usually teach. I think what happened was that they were provoked to think biblically about the suffering they had gone through.

I came prepared to give four messages. There was so much discussion that it took three sessions to finish my first talk. One of the participants was also going to give a message for which he had prepared an extensive hand-out. He graciously handed over his session to me so that I ended up teaching five times.

During my last talk, I began to explain the biblical concept of glory and how John used glory as his favourite way to refer to the death of Christ. Suddenly the thought struck me that the Hebrew word for glory is kabod which is one of the names by which Cambodia is called. I felt I should challenge the people to help make the Cambodian church a communicator of the glory of God in suffering to Cambodia and whole world. Surely this is an idea that is sorely lacking in much of Christian thinking. Even in Cambodia the heresy that those who follow Christ should not suffer is being peddled by some teachers. My prayer is that the Cambodians will show the world that their suffering has become a means of reflecting the glory of Christ.

From Jonathan Edwards:

"It is a proper and excellent thing for infinite glory to shine forth; and for the same reason, it is proper that the shining forth of God’s glory should be complete; that is, that all parts of his glory should shine forth, that every beauty should be proportionably effulgent [=radiant], that the beholder may have a proper notion of God. It is not proper that one glory should be exceedingly manifested, and another not at all. . .

Thus it is necessary, that God’s awful majesty, his authority and dreadful greatness, justice, and holiness, should be manifested. But this could not be, unless sin and punishment had been decreed; so that the shining forth of God’s glory would be very imperfect, both because these parts of divine glory would not shine forth as the others do, and also the glory of his goodness, love, and holiness would be faint without them; nay, they could scarcely shine forth at all.

If it were not right that God should decree and permit and punish sin, there could be no manifestation of God’s holiness in hatred of sin, or in showing any preference, in his providence, of godliness before it. There would be no manifestation of God’s grace or true goodness, if there was no sin to be pardoned, no misery to be saved from. How much happiness soever he bestowed, his goodness would not be so much prized and admired, and the sense of it not so great . . .

So evil is necessary, in order to the highest happiness of the creature, and the completeness of that communication of God, for which he made the world; because the creature’s happiness consists in the knowledge of God, and the sense of his love. And if the knowledge of him be imperfect, the happiness of the creature must be proportionably imperfect." (Jonathan Edwards, “Concerning the Divine Decrees,” in The Works of Jonathan Edwards (Edinburgh: Banner of Truth, 1974), p. 528 )

So today’s RZIM “Slice of Infinity” taught me something that I never knew before ...

(By the way … do you subscribe to this daily devotional from Ravi Zacharias International Ministries yet? I’ve only recommended them like, what, a hundred times now? Seriously! I have subscribed to various devotionals over the years and always ended up CANCELING my subscription (because who has time to read anything “extra” in her Inbox? Not me! ) … EXCEPT for this one. I often end up filing the content away for further meditation and repeated readings. AND since it must send out at midnight or something, whenever I get my next day’s devotional in my Inbox “live,” it’s a gentle reminder that I’m working too late and I should just GO TO BED. )

Anyway … Dr. Zacharias himself wrote the message today. It is entitled, “Our Father the Weaver” and I would post it here if their copyright so allowed, but it doesn’t. Sorry!

Dr. Zacharias has long been one of my favorite theologians/authors—but other than years of study and growth in grace, I really didn’t have any “inside scoop” as to his biblical precision, humility, hopefulness. Until today.

In today’s devotion, he granted us all a glance into one of the sources of his deep faith in God’s sovereignty even in the midst of terrific suffering. You see … Dr. Zacharias attempted suicide as a teenager. I had no idea.

He writes:

“Allow me to share a story from my own experience. As one searching for meaning in the throes of a turbulent adolescence, I found myself on a hospital bed from an attempted suicide. It was there that I was read the 14th chapter of John’s Gospel. My attention was fully captured by the part where Jesus says to his disciples, “Because I live, you shall live also” (John 14:19). I turned my life over to Christ that day, committing my pains, struggles, and pursuits to his able hands.”

Oh! How quickly my heart jumped with a sad and yet joyful leap into remembering that dark night years ago when I seriously considered ending my life. (The pain was so great! I couldn’t breathe. The suffering seemed endless. I couldn’t go 24 hours without weeping to the point of wretching. I thought that I could not bear it—and I couldn’t. So my beloved friends (including my best friend, Fred, and my coauthor, Judy Dabler) helped me to remember that I was the one BEING held by God. And then they physically held me too. And I survived the dark night of the soul—but I knew then that I would never be the same. And I haven’t.)

As I thought about this dear, precious brother in Christ—now a great man for Christ, then a scared child attempting to end his life—I wondered how many Christians have had their lives touched by suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, or actual suicide. How many families? Churches? There must be millions and millions. (I can think of many even as I type this.)

How much wisdom comes through suffering!
How much the saints throughout the ages have grown in grace–but through a fire.

This life is so hard!
Suffering in the church, in Christian families, in Christian lives … well … it just rips us to the core.
Emotional pain translates into physical pain and darkness overwhelms.

But God IS good.
ALL the time.
(It sounds trite, but it isn’t. It’s TRUTH. And our Only Hope!)

And He gives us His Body to care for us—especially when we can’t go on in and of ourselves.
The Body comes down to our level and lifts up our hopeless, beaten, broken lives.

(Sadly—all too often beaten down by other Believers. For who can wound us like a brother or sister in Christ? No one. No one at all. For I expect betrayal and meanness from unbelievers. But Oh! The pain is great when it is you, my brother, my friend. “One with whom I walked with the throngs in the household of God” (Psalm 55) … when our dearest beloved attacks and betrays us? It is a SHOCK. Always a shock.)

But God is SO good.
Every moment of every day.
He is with us.
And this is enough.

Yeah, though He slay me … I will trust in Him.

Please, God, please keep my heart fixed on YOU.
And please help us all to carry one another’s burdens–and carry each other!–especially when we are crushed (but not destroyed).

Amen and amen.

In our Sunday School class this week on suffering, Pastor Alfred reminded us that, as Believers, we are not called to be “optimistic” or “pessimistic” people as we go throughout our lives ... that the Bible is far more complex than that.

But that God does say, "Trust Me!"

(And of course there is an eternal optimism associated with trusting God and knowing that one day, One Glorious Day, every wrong WILL be righted and we will go Home forever. But this is a far cry from the, “Everything’s gonna be GREAT” flippant optimism that we see/experience all too often.)

As Pastor Alfred taught us, I was struck by the conviction that I have become a pessimist. Really? I assume that bad things will happen.

AAAAUUUGGGHHH!

This is NOT who I want to be and how I want to think and live.
Such dark, depressed, fearful thinking leads to despair!
AND it truly develops an ungrateful, restless heart within.

I am grateful (yet again) for my pastor’s teaching the Word to us.
And also for the gift of repentance.

(Oh, and isn’t it good to know that even when we are at our worst, God’s love for us never wavers?)

Amen & Alleluia!

Before I moved from Chicago to Montana, I began an “email friendship” with a gifted Christian conciliator in the Midwest. (We were both in the Peacemaker Ministries Conciliator Training Program at the time and we were sharing notes / encouragement / etc.)

Recently, this “spiritual father” emailed me this message and I thought it might bless you too. So (with his permission and changing identifying information to protect the stories of life that belong to others), here it is.

(Oh, and ... Who me? Struggle with bitterness? Can you imagine why he would think this would be an appropriate encouragement and message for little ol' ME? hah hah)

Dear Tara,

What you shared in your weblog and in your Peacemaker posts lead me to share three experiences with you. All of them relate to the temptation to bitterness.

Experience #1: Loss of My Professional Career
The first experience you already know about – my loss of the high-level professional position that I held for over 10 years. I won’t go into detail except to say that it involved a high publicity campaign involving smear tactics and betrayal by several people I had considered to be friends. The temptation to bitterness has been one of my major battles.

Experience #2: The Lost Inheritance
The second experience involves something that happened in my family. It bears some similarity to your situation, although I’m sure there are plenty of differences. I share it is because of the issue of bitterness.

A number of years ago, one of my ancestors married a widower with two grown children. They resented her for trying to take their mother’s place and were convinced that she married their father for his money. (He was well-do-do though not extremely wealthy by today’s standards.) Such animosity developed that he disowned his own children and cut them out of his will. They believed that this was her doing. Unexpectedly, their father died young. The estranged children contested the will. The children won at the trial level, but their victory was reversed on appeal. Most of the estate went to pay the attorneys' fees.

Just a couple years ago, I got a phone call from one of these children’s children. She told me that her mother had just died and that all the remainder of her life (nearly 60 years from the date of the final court ruling), she was consumed by bitterness over losing her inheritance. Her hate and bitterness dominated and ruined her life. The situation was so bad that the granddaughter had to call me in order to learn where her grandfather was buried.

I actually met her mother once. She came to our home and asked my mother if she could have her father’s ring. My father gave it to her and said, "I thought all along that you should have it and I would have given it and more to you if had asked instead of fighting me in court.” (I’m sure she would have told her where her father was buried, but she didn’t ask!)

Experience #3: The Birth Mother
The third experience is that of a brother in Christ. He knew he was adopted, and one day he decided he wanted to contact his birth mother. His adopted parents counseled strongly against it but he insisted. If nothing else, he wanted to share the gospel with her. Since he was an adult, they decided it was his decision to make so they gave him the information. When he made contact with her, he found her drunk. When he told her who he was, she came out with a barrage of profanities and obscenities and told him that he had ruined her life (no doubt it was his fault for entering her womb, right?)

A Few Thoughts on Combating Bitterness …
The Christian brother was devastated by his encounter with his birth mother and didn’t know if he ever would recover. He told me that he finally was able to focus on the positives in his life and thanked God that a loving Christian couple adopted him and built a foundation which led to his conversion to faith in Christ.

The woman who was consumed by bitterness over her lost inheritance until the day she died. Her own descendants were still feeling the pain as it had spilled over into their lives.

I find that my own battle with bitterness over the loss of my professional position still affects my relationship with various people from time to time.

I really believe, though, that our biggest temptation is to be bitter with God. In His sovereignty, He could have shielded us from the pain but didn’t.

Lesson #1 in this regard is that I find that my bitterness against God at any given time (or lack of it) is a barometer of the extent to which I am currently living (or not living) by grace. Sound doctrine tells me that I deserve Hell, but when I’m bitter against God, I’m really believing that I deserve better at His hand than what He’s given me. It’s the opposite of living by grace. The only thing I know to do when I’m bitter against Him is to recognize it, confess it, repent of it, and resume living by grace. That sounds easy, but, of course, in the midst of pain, it’s not.

Lesson #2 is that the only way to live the Christian life of grace is to let Christ live it through us by faith. We cannot overcome. He can and already has. He was despised and rejected by men. His earthly brothers thought he was crazy. One of his disciples betrayed Him. The rest forsook Him and fled. One might expect Him immediately after His resurrection to have said, “Gabriel, bring me Anna, Caiphas, Herod, Pilate, the Roman soldiers that crucified me, the soldiers that scourged me, the disciples that abandoned me,...” But He didn’t!

You and I will fall apart quickly if we try to imitate His love. Only by believing by faith that He is in us and will express His love though us can we overcome the temptation to bitterness that wants to control us. I wish I could say that I am a great example of how to do this. All I can truthfully say is that sometimes I have experienced this.

Your friend,
Phil

PS
I thought it might be wise to add three thoughts to the comments I sent before …

The first thought is that I think we often make a mistake in asking God to send us various graces in various situations: “Lord, please give me love... joy... peace... patience... self-control,” etc. But these aren’t separate packages we obtain apart from receiving Christ Himself. Nor are they things He hasn’t yet given us. They are a part of the Person we received into our spirits when we received Christ – His love, his peace, His patience, His self-control, etc. We need to learn how to appropriate what He has already given us. These are all parts of Christ’s character which God gave to us when we were spiritually reborn.

The second thought is that we often make a mistake by asking God to draw upon these resources when we see the need for them, namely in crisis situations. But we don’t need Christ’s love (joy, peace, patience, etc.) flowing through us only when we are facing crises. We need it all the time, even in the “easy times” of life. Otherwise, we are spending most of our days living life in our own strength, thinking we only need Christ living through us when the going gets rough. This is terrible theology which deprives us of much fellowship with Him.

The third thought is that I wish I lived out the wisdom of the first two thoughts as well as I can explain them to others.

Last night I heard one of the most God-centered, beautiful, biblical, deep, NOT “felt-needs / name it and claim it / I love God because He blesses me” testimonies. It was incredible. It was amazing. I wept and wept and was moved to worship God and was encouraged in my faith and ... well ... it was just lovely.

(Lovely is not quite the word, but I’m not really coming up with the right one. It was good–good in all its goodness, its God-ness. It was right. It was a foretaste of Heaven. It brought us all to the Cross and turned our eyes off of ourselves and the speaker and entranced us with the beauty of the Lord and the happiness–blessedness–of being known by Him and loved by Him and adopted by Him.)

This testimony was given at a new “Supper Club” ministry (led by an amazing woman!) that our church has developed as a lovely combination of fun & fellowship & evangelism in our community. (Thank you, Pam! And your “think pink” team too!)

The speaker was a new and dear friend of mine who recently went through aggressive breast cancer and the resulting treatments. Here is the entire text of her testimony – but even if you don’t have time to read it all, I wanted to ask if any of you have ever prayed THIS prayer and received THIS response:

Dear God, I want to know You. Please cause me to know You. Please help me to know You.

(For me, I remember praying this prayer when I felt like I knew a lot ABOUT God, but I didn’t really feel like I KNEW GOD. I felt like it was head knowledge, not true heart change and appropriate, adoring love.)

The speaker had us all laughing as she retold how, back in 2004 her elder asked her how she was doing and how he could be praying for her. And she said, “Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I wish I really KNEW GOD, so maybe, well, would you pray that for me?” And this elder said, “Of course!” And he prayed right then for her.

But then, knowing this elder as we all know him, she totally assumed that he went on and prayed this for her for days. Weeks. Probably even months. As she just went back to her busy life and pretty much forgot about it because the pressing URGENCIES of life pushed out this “serious call to a devout and holy life.”

(Oh! How I could relate!)

And then she was diagnosed with cancer. And somehow the busy-ness of life came to a screaching halt as what was IMPORTANT took center stage.

And through her suffering she came to know God better

As she spoke, I remembered how I had received a similar response once too–albeit not with cancer, but instead with pain at the hands of Christian friends and leaders that I trusted and respected.

Suffering that almost led me to death. And instead led me to Life.

Can any of you relate?
Have you ever prayed this prayer, received this response, and then (at times) questioned, “WHY did I ever pray for THAT?!? What was I thinking?!?”

But over time
when the emotional bleeding and daily weeping and knife-through-the-chest-pain-I-don't-think-I'm-going-to-make-it despair begins to subside
and we remember–REMEMBER!–the truths we already know
and we remember God (because He graciously gives us believing hearts!)

Well, don’t we know that ultimately it is a good prayer to pray?
For God is a good God
the One, True God.

And there are no “random molecules”
(OR cancer cells)
(OR even fellow brothers and sisters in Christ in need of further sanctification)

God IS sovereign.
And God is good.
Blessed be His name!

It’s been a drag of a two-week period for me. Talk about feeling beaten-down, rejected, despised, judged, and kicked out for not being good enough. OUCH.

But suffering is not the last word, is it?

I was SO encouraged by Pastor Alfred’s Sunday School class this morning:

- There are NO maverick molecules!
- The sovereignty of God implies that the situation (every situation! MY situation!) has true meaning and that God (Emmanuel!) is part of the situation because He is with me.
- Feeling weak in your faith Tara? Remember–it’s NOT the “amount” or “strength” of your faith that matters, but the Object of your faith that matters. (Good reminder!)
- In all of life ... every moment of every day ... remember to contemplate the grand event!–the Cross.

I was encouraged, too, by his reminder that in every suffering, there is nestled great temptation. And temptation in suffering is common to everyone.

I am so grateful to be reminded of the Truth that I do know (but I so easily forget when I am bruised and hurting).

O, Lord, please forgive my self-absorption!
Please forgive my selfishness and unbelief!
O, God, I beg for Your help to suffer well. To stand up under it. (1 Cor 10:13!)

Thank You, God, for not giving up on me.
I’m so glad that Your love for me is not based on me–or else I would have no hope.

But instead I rest. In You.
Amen & Amen

So let’s pretend that you stopped your life
flew on two airplanes
drove for like 15 hours
(WITH A TODDLER!)
to try to be supportive ...

Would it hurt to have your dad (after a 10 minute visit) say, “I’d like a break, Tara. Please send my wife back in.”
??
Would it hurt?
??

So let’s say that you and your daughter leave the hospital room
and there’s his wife
and her family (her brother & sister-in-law–who live there in Canada)
and then he visits with them for over an hour while you wait (with your toddler) in the car
for over an hour and a half

And when your sister comes back to the car, she says how he is laughing and joking about how they (his wife & her family) are all going to move into a house together and go camping together.

Nice.

So then what?
Do I wallow in this strange reality of my life? (That my dad prefers to not be around me.)

(Oh, and just in case you’re curious ... no, I wasn’t “evangelizing him” or anything–we were talking about the latest novel he’s been reading. And yes, Sophie was a doll–sitting quietly, telling “Grandpa Joe” cute little stories, singing, just being so amazingly cute.)

So here I am on Friday night.
Kali and Sophie are playing in the pool – I’m sitting here.
Trying not to wallow.
Trying not to replay memory after memory.

TRYING to remember the reasons I came here in the first place:
1) Obedience to God;
2) To love and support my beloved sister (who Fred and I did NOT want to be alone for all this!); and
3) To continue to do my best to honor my dad; show him love; and “finish well” with him–regardless of how I am treated.

But ugh!
What a drag.
Quelle drag. (In honor of my time here in Canada! )

Though father and mother reject me ... this I know ...

I know that my Redeemer lives,
And ever prays for me;
A token of His love He gives,
A pledge of liberty.

I find him lifting up my head,
He brings salvation near,
His presence makes me free indeed,
And He will soon appear.

He wills that I should holy be,
What can withstand His will?
The counsel of His grace in me
He surely shall fulfill.

Jesus, I hang upon Thy Word;
I steadfastly believe
Thou wilt return and claim me, Lord
And to Thyself receive,

Joyful in hope, my spirit soars
To meet Thee from above,
Thy goodness thankfully adores;
And sure I taste Thy love.

Thy love I soon expect to find,
In all its depth and height;
To comprehend the eternal mind,
And grasp the Infinite.

When God is Mine and I am His,
Of paradise possessed,
I taste unutterable bliss,
And everlasting rest.

The bliss of those that fully dwell,
Fully in Thee believe,
’Tis more than angel tongues can tell,
Or angel minds conceive.

Thou only knowst, Who didst obtain,
And die to make it known;
The great salvation now explain,
And perfect us in one!

Thanks for all of the prayers and encouraging emails concerning my dad. He continues to remain in a medically-induced coma, but occasionally they bring him to consciousness for a few moments. When they do so, the nurses say he is a “bear” ... angry, trying to yank the tube out, etc. The nurses say this is actually a good thing because it means that he wants us to know he is “still in there” and he is “fighting.”

I’m still wondering about trying to go and see him ... I keep thinking about whether he might actually be open to hearing the gospel now. That maybe, with death facing him so (potentially) imminently, he might WANT to hear about the God Who Saves!

(Boy, I sure would. I want to hear His covenant of grace every day of my life–I’m desperate for it.)

But I remember reading once how the “last words” we might hear recorded of dying people (say, in a plane crash or some other unexpected and fast death situation) are so often (not always) words of cursing, anger, rage, and blasphemy against God.

I always thought that they would be words crying out for mercy ... how many times people think, “I’ll repent and believe tomorrow” or “I’ll repent and confess saving faith in Christ before I die.” Because we sure don’t want to go to Hell! We think we’ll repent.

But in that moment. That final, dreadful moment ... our true hearts are shown. We are bent away from God. For every day of our lives, we have disdained and ignored Him. We have mocked Him and His followers. We have worshipped Man and created things–and have completely forgotten or denied the Creator.

We think that the beauty in the world is the result of a random crashing and evolving of dust particles.
That love is an emotion that makes us feel good.
And that when we die, our brains stop functioning and everything goes “black” or “blank” and life is over.

But Believers know differently, don’t we?
We know that the horror of suffering in this life is PLEASANT compared to the horror of ETERNITY APART FROM GOD.

That anything beautiful or good or lovely in this life is but a reflection of Him.
That He is the Way. The Truth. The Life.

And that when our earthly bodies cease functioning, our real lives begin.
And we go Home.

Heaven is not some fairy-tale place created by old men.

Heaven is the very presence of God–when His adopted children are covered by His Son (whose life, death, and resurrection fully satisfied both the mercy and the justice of God!) and every lovely thing in this life, the happiest we’ve ever felt, the safest we’ve ever felt, the most wanted, interesting, growing, GOOD experience we’ve ever had ... will be just a SCENT, a faint aroma, a blurry picture in an old mirror ... of the GLORY OF GOD.

For then, and only then, we will be HOME.

PS
If you’re interested, there is a fascinating book on the final words of “saints and sinners” that I heartily recommend. You can get it through Amazon at: Last Words of Saints and Sinners

So I got to watch Scout & William one more time today! (It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO fun! William cuddled, took a bottle, and went to sleep. I had to discipline myself to put him down–I could’ve held him the entire time. And Scout was a hoot. You should see that girl color and hear that girl play the piano. If I could figure out a way to post movies to this blog, you would. )

And then Samara and Taylor came and we said goodbye.

I cried. (Of course.) And then I headed to the piano.

I wonder if playing the piano can ever be prayer? It definitely was worship. I played. Fred sang. I sang (a little–I’m barely able to keep a voice as I recover from my cold). And Sophie played at our feet and occasionally joined us at the piano. (She likes to push the pedals while I play. Plus, she’s really into glissandos.)

ANYWAY ... one of the "Trudy Originals" that truly blessed us all was a 2006 Trudy song based on an old hymn by Samuel Rodigast entitled, “What God Ordains.” It was a particular blessing as I am (sinfully!) tempted to doubt God’s goodness when I face suffering. (I am tempted to focus on thoughts like, “SOME people get to have their kids grow up together!” and then have a little pity-pot party because my friend is moving away.)

Here are the lyrics. I hope they are a blessing to you!

What God ordains is always good: His will is just and holy. As he directs my life for me, I follow meek and lowly. My God indeed in every need knows well how he will shield me; to him then I will yield me.

What God ordains is always good: He never will deceive me; He leads me in his own right way, and never will he leave me. I take content what he has sent; his hand that sends me sadness, will turn my life to gladness.

What God ordains is always good: His loving thought attends me; No poison can be in the cup that my physician sends me. My God is true each morning new I trust his grace unending, my life to him commending.

What God ordains is always good: He is my loving father. He never seeks to do me harm though many storms may gather. Now though I know both joy and pain, some day I shall see clearly, that he has loved me dearly.

What God ordains is always good; This truth remains unshaken. Though sorrow, need, or death be mine, I shall not be forsaken. I fear no harm, for with his arm He shall embrace and shield me; So to my God I yield me.

I received another amazing prayer request update from missionary (& theologian & author & pastor) Ajith Fernando. (If you are not familiar with Ajith, I urge you to get to know him and consider praying for and supporting his ministry with Youth for Christ. I have found him to be one of the most thoughtful, godly, wise, caring, humble ministers to the gospel. Ever.)

He attached this article on Responding to Persecution and I thought it might be a blessing to you ... so here it is!

Blessings to you all –
Off to Maryland this morning –
Your friend,
Tara B.

—

A THREE-PRONGED RESPONSE TO ATTACKS
by Ajith Fernando

How should Christians who are a minority in their land respond when fellow Christians and churches are attacked? I have thought about it a lot because churches are often attacked in Sri Lanka too. One thing is certain—never should our motivation be one of tit-for-tat or revenge. I want to suggest a three-pronged response.

LOVING OUR ENEMIES
We live in a region where the understanding of the concept of honour requires that if someone hits us we must ht back. In some countries the so called “honour killings” are even sometimes ignored by the authorities. This is totally different to the Christian understanding of honour. Paul said: “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honourable in the sight of all” (Rom. 12:17). In Christianity the honourable thing is not to hit back.

Then there is the fact that Christ has asked us to turn the other cheek (Matt. 5:39). So the general response when we are hurt is to love our enemies. This is a teaching that is repeated over and over again in the Bible (Matt. 5:43, 44; Luke 6:27, 35). We are told, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:28 ). Referring specially to persecution, Paul says, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them” (Rom. 12:14). Paul says of himself, “When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure” (2 Cor. 4:12b). Peter writing to a church suffering persecution said, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9). Note that in this last verse a blessing is promised if we bless our persecutors.

This is a pretty strong case for loving and blessing those who persecute us. I believe the witness of history is that the reaction of Christians to persecution left a strong impression on the persecutors. After painful initial suffering, they left such a powerful impression upon their persecutors so that large numbers of people ended up coming to Christ. This is our dream for our nations. We want large numbers of people to come to Christ. It may seem impossible now, but that is how the conversion of the Roman Empire looked to the small persecuted band of Christians in the first century to whom the passages I quoted above were first written.

When people in our nations get tired of the endless cycle of violence coming from revenge, may they be challenged by seeing Christians refusing to take revenge and loving their enemies. When they get tired of the corruption that is ruining our chances of progress, may they be challenged by seeing Christians willing to suffer loss and taking on poverty because they refuse to break their principles. When people realise that all their wealth has not given them satisfaction may they be challenged by seeing Christians truly happy and contented by living godly lives and realise that the life we have in Christ is the greatest gain (1 Tim. 6:6). Jesus said, “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:16). That is our ambition for the church.

Actually the persecuted Christians in the New Testament era looked forward to nothing short of world conquest by Christ. They saw their sufferings as temporary means towards achieving that end. That is how we see our sufferings too. So knowing that Christ is the truth, yearning for our nations to bow their knees to Christ and believing that Christ will conquer the world in the end influences our attitude to persecution.

Of course only a pure church where people truly love God can react this way. The churches in South Asia are anything but pure. This is a much more serious problem than the persecution we are going through. We must pray that God will use this persecution to make our people truly holy which is the biggest need in the church today—a much bigger need that the need to avoid suffering.

SEEKING LEGAL RIGHTS FOR CHRISTIANS
Now that is one side of the coin. The other side is that the Bible shows that the early Christians did all they could to win legitimacy for Christians. In Philippi, when Paul and Silas were released after being unlawfully beaten, they did not meekly leave the prison. They protested that they had been treated like that even though they were Roman citizens (Acts 16:35-39). They wanted it recorded that Christians had been treated in an illegal way. Luke is careful to record that the proconsul in Corinth Gallio who was from a famous family and was a well-known figure in the Roman empire gave a verdict very favourable to the Christians (Acts 18:12-17). The early Christians did all they could to achieve a legitimate legal standing for Christianity and for evangelistic activity.

In the same way today Christians need to use the court system to appeal for our right to practice Christianity. When something illegal is done against Christians we may need to go to the courts to agitate for our rights or against the actions that have harmed Christians. This is so that people are warned against the repercussions of doing it and will think twice before trying it again. In this way we help the whole church, not just ourselves.

If Christians are being denied a basic human right like access to the village burial place, it may be necessary for Christians not to give in when they are stopped from using the cemetery. They may need to grapple with the authorities until permission is granted. This has happened a few times in Sri Lanka.

Sometimes it may be necessary to apply pressure on the authorities by using the pressure of foreign interest groups and governments. It may be necessary to highlight in the press nationally and internationally the injustices meted out to Christians.

Like the great thinkers in the first few centuries (whom we know as apologists), we must produce great thinkers who will devote their energies to producing material in defence of Christian belief and practice. This is a long-term strategy. We need Christian people who will grow in stature to become respected lawyers, politicians, journalists and economists. They can represent Christ to the nation better than we preachers can. This is a long term strategy, but we must be thinking about this and urging people in this direction.

MINISTERING TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN ATTACKED
There is a third thing that needs to be done at this time: those affected by the attacks need to be comforted. Physical attacks are very hard to endure. They humiliate the person; they produce fear of another attack; and they can produce severe anger over the way the person’s body or property was violated.

Indeed we have seen people like Stephen who have reacted with wonderful faith when attacked. But my experience has been that some time after the attack people go through all sorts of difficult feelings. They become vulnerable to Satan’s attacks at this time. They could get over-discouraged and lose heart. They could become angry and develop vengeful feelings.

Another need for outside help from Christians is that in times of persecution Christians could act rashly and in an unwise way. Sometimes persecution is triggered by unwise behaviour of Christians when they antagonise others by things that were not necessary to do. An example is having loud worship which disturbs neighbours. Another is unwise ways of distributing material aid to the poor and needy which gives opponents the impression that we are using unethical lures to coerce people into becoming Christians.

This, then, is a time when those who have been attacked need the support of the body of Christ. We need to be close to them and help them regain some balance as they go through different emotional moods. When Peter and John were told for the first time that they must not speak in the name of Christ again, the first thing they did was to go “to their own people” (literal translation) or “to their friends” (ESV; Acts 4:23). If they cannot come to us we must go to them. Leaders must ensure that those who have been attacked are personally ministered to.

So my answer is a three pronged one. Firstly we are committed to radical personal non-retaliation. We will not resort to violence to achieve our ends. Instead we will demonstrate the power of the gospel by exemplary lives. Secondly, we are committed to using the existing structures to present a case for the legitimacy of Christianity. Towards this end we develop strategies that will be effective and leaders who will be qualified in presenting the case for Christianity. Thirdly, we care for those who have been attacked.

May we be faithful at this time.

Well – we’re in a ten day count down now until my dearest friend, Samara, and her family move away.

(Yes, for those of you who have heard me teach–Samara is my "creative, artistic, happy, laid-back, random-thinking, wonderful, wonderful friend.)

Last night, Fred took Sophie up onto his lap and began to explain that we wouldn’t be able to see them as much any more. (She had just asked if Scout–Samara’s daughter–could come over for dinner. Then an hour later she asked if Scout could come over and play. That’s pretty much a normal day for us–so we thought it might be time to start breaking the news to her.)

I just wept.

I haven’t really allowed myself to think about it or grieve it – what’s the use? Instead, we’ve been focused as a family on just enjoying the time we have before they go.

But now I wonder when it will be that I can go a day without crying.

Fred keeps comforting me by saying, “It’s OK to cry. It’s a legitimate grief.” And of course he is right.

And so I begin–praying for the grace to have a grateful heart.
Thankful to have experienced so many years – so many memories – so many “firsts” – with such a friend.

Samara and I were pregnant and experienced first-time motherhood (to Scout & Sophia) at just about the same time.

Sophia Grace meets the Lynde’s for the first time


Valentine’s Day–First “Night Out” for Fred & me after Sophie was born


Would YOU borrow an SUV, fill it with two toddlers, a pregnant woman, a grandmother, a friend, and a 70 pound Golden Retriever and drive to Yellowstone National Park? (Sophie’s first time in a pool too!)


What about a costume for your daughter for a Reformation Day party? How about the pope!? The irony still gets me.



Christmases & birthdays & funerals together ...


And more babies too!!


Zoos & trips to Target & playtime at the park ... Life together.



I wish they weren’t moving!
I wish that our kids could continue to grow up together. Sophie is bossy and Scout’s a tattletale–the PERFECT team for practicing peacemaking and learning how to breathe grace every day.


I’m often upset. Samara is as steady as they come. I can be so easily hurt (SUCH a sign of my spiritual immaturity). Samara is incredibly gracious and quick to overlook.

I don’t know how to be a mom. Samara makes it look so easy–I know she’s working hard, but she’s just so good at it. I’m terrified of cooking–she does it with ease. I am often uncomfortable and dissatisfied. Samara is a woman of peace.

I’d never know about Pingu or Rose Park or “Super Baby Foods” if it weren’t for her. Or so many other things too.

What will life be like without a 9AM call each day to see what’s what–"Can you watch the kids?" “Want to meet at the park?” "I’m heading to the post office–anything I can drop off for you?"

Will I run away from everyone and hide from relationships and give up on friendship?

Or persevere by faith and try to bless others (instead of looking to be blessed) and serve others (instead of waiting around to be served) and NOT make an idol out of having even just one person in the world who maybe likes to be around me and who doesn’t mind letting me into her wonderful life?

I’m so tempted to give up. But that’s not living.
How I pray that I will REMEMBER that the Lord knows best. He does. He gives and takes away. I don’t understand it–but His ways are always best.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

(Have to stop b/c I can’t type through the tears any more.)

Dear Lord, please protect Sophia’s heart. And mine too.
Please help me to grieve with hope.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Amen.

From the end of the Ravi Zacharias International Ministries devotional email this morning ...

Corrie Ten Boom (a woman who was no stranger to suffering) writes, “God has plans—not problems—for our lives.”

Amen! Amen!

(To subscribe to this devotional, send an empty email to: slice-html-subscribe@lists.rzim.org. I don’t have time to read anything extra! But this I read every day M-F. So good! Thank you, Dr. Zacharias! )

When I have the privilege of teaching on biblical peacemaking, I always have the concurrent privilege of visiting and praying with people who are suffering. Conflict & suffering go hand in hand – and I spend my breaks, meal times, and late nights seeking the Lord with hurting Believers.

Last night I was struck again by how varied our responses to conflict and suffering can be. I was spending time with some friends and we were discussing our pastor’s sermon from last Sunday. (He is currently preaching on Habakkuk – so as you might imagine, we are deep into the topic of suffering.) As we began the conversation, I was quietly thinking to myself how two of the people present have suffered so much in their lives–and yet they are loving, faithful, (imperfect like all of us–yes), sweet, fun, wonderful people.

But here’s the part that knocks me over ...

As we were all discussing the different causes of suffering, the philosophical problem of evil, how God uses suffering to discipline (but not punish) us, taking joy in our suffering, etc. etc., both of these people reflected to the group on how they hadn’t really suffered much in their lives.

What?
What?

I couldn’t believe it and, as you might imagine knowing me, I couldn’t remain silent any longer ...

“You haven’t suffered?!” I asked. “I don’t even know what to say! Of all the people I know, you have suffered so much!” Tears came to my eyes as I looked at these friends whom I love and I reflected for just a nanosecond on how much they have been hurt in their lives–especially by people who should have been their staunchest supporters, defenders, protectors, friends.

Do you know how they responded?

They talked about their own sin and depravity and how they deserve much, much worse–yet God lavishes grace on them.

They reflected on the blessings and joys in their lives–not denying their pain, not stoically pretending it doesn’t exist, but likewise not focusing on it and dwelling on it every day.

They quietly mentioned how much other people are “really” suffering – and how their own life experiences, though painful, simply can’t compare.

As I listened to them, I mentally replayed conversations with other Christians that I’ve had where the person sitting before me self-righteously demands, “I don’t deserve this!” (When, really, apart from Christ, we all deserve Hell.) Times when Believers are called to suffer every day, day in and day out, with an unloving and ungrateful in-law or spouse, a disabled or rebellious child, a miserable work experience–and instead of persevering, they run away and try to justify it with the unbiblical notion that, “God wants me to be happy.”

(OK, honestly, in addition to other people, I was also cringing as I mentally replayed days, weeks, months, and even years when I struggled with such selfish and faithless responses to suffering.)

How I pray that we will all keep our eyes fixed on eternity and remember that this life, whether we live to be 80, 90, or 100, is our only time to suffer well.

And instead of responding to our suffering with bitterness and rage, we will truly learn to grieve with hope, find comfort in the Comforter, and actually begin to count it all joy. May we grow up into Him Who is our Head! Who suffered for us.

Yes, we can prayerfully, humbly, shrewdly battle evil. You bet.
Yes, we can seek to change our circumstance even as we are content in it (the secret jewel of Christian contentment!).

But oh! That we may respond with faith in God and trust in His perfect love and wisdom–especially when the dark times come. For the dark times are temporary! But the Light is eternal.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Our family loves, prays for, and supports a Youth for Christ missionary by the name of Ajith Fernando. To us, Ajith and his family members are heroes of the faith. Their sacrifice and service would be impossible to measure outside of eternity. I love his writings and it is a joy to serve him even in some small way.

Today, his letter to his supporters included an essay on pain, anger, and grace. In it, he wrote:

“Grace must soften our hearts so that more grace can enter in, making us gracious and taking away that destructive attitude of anger that looks at life saying, “I have been wronged.” Such anger is an enemy which we must fight with utmost dedication, for it takes away the thing that makes discipleship so worthwhile: the joy of the Lord. The sorrow may remain. But the joy of the Lord can coexist with sorrow, pain and tears. It cannot coexist with bitterness. Anger also takes away our anointing for we act in the flesh and not in the Spirit. This makes even the good things we do useless from God’s perspective—wood, hay and stubble which will be burned away at the judgment (1 Cor. 3:12-15).”

I think I will meditate on these truths for days – and I thought they might encourage you as well.

By faith, may we wage war against our anger and bitterness, and live solely by grace alone, for God’s glory alone!

I woke up yesterday with a heavy heart because my dear friend was scheduled for a radical mastectomy that morning. I thought of her all day long and prayed for her. And finally, in the evening, I got to speak with her. Do you know what she said to me?

A single woman, godly, beautiful—found out ten days ago she has breast cancer, now in the midst of surgery and scheduling chemo and radiation—what did she say to me?

“It was such a good day, Tara.” And then she proceeded to retell all of God’s blessings throughout the day.

I woke up this morning with greater faith in the Lord—for He had graciously shown me His mercy and glory yet again.

“Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him …” Job 13:15