considerable grace

I’ve always felt that my steady-Freddy, type-B, patient, kind, COMPLETE-opposite-of-me-husband would be the better stay-at-home parent for our girls. In 17 years, I’ve only seen him lose his temper a handful of times. (And all of those times I REALLY provoked him and honestly, I pretty much deserved it. Oh, and even then, his “losing his temper” is so mild that it’s pretty much the equivalent of me having a good day.)

So I’ve always thought to myself, “It’s too bad that the girls don’t have Fred all day. Every day.” But then I had this annoyingly high fever for eight days and he (super star daddy that he is) took time off of work to help me. One day I asked him what he thought about this whole taking-care-of-small-children-all-day-every-day-thing. And he replied:

"I would go crazy. And Sophie would NOT be homeschooled."

Sweetness! Maybe it’s not just me who finds parenting to be the hardest (and yes, bestest) thing I’ve ever tried to do.

Two things happened yesterday that were profoundly encouraging to me. The first was when I asked Fred how his day went and (rather than the stressed, exhausted, just hanging in there voice) I heard his happy voice say, “Really good.”

(!!)

I guess that’s what comes from getting final drafts of the new Peacemaker Ministries resource to the printer in time for the truck to leave soon for their Peacemaker Conference. Hooray!

The second was when God graciously helped me to SET ASIDE a really hard chapter in our manuscript that was giving me trouble after trouble in the morning. Normally, I would just keep on and get more and more mired down and end the day with SOMETHING, but nothing near my goal. Instead? I switched gears to the next chapter and SWOOSH! Made great progress. I couldn’t believe it. I was so encouraged that I even turned to the NEXT NEXT chapter and again, SWOOSH! Not perfection, of course, but encouraging progress. One little step forward.

I even slept well afterwards. No head spinning. No worrying. (Although I did dream that I was back in college, having to get a job, not having any books for any classes, and just finding out I was pregnant with my third child. Hmmmmmm ... Can you tell I’m praying for lots o' college students this week and feeling some cash crunch issues too?)

All that to say ... I was grateful for a tiny step forward and REALLY grateful that Fred had such a good day. Charles Spurgeon was right again!

"Through perseverance even the snail reached the ark."

I hope you can experience even just a glimmer of encouragement this day as you tackle hard things. Remember! God is with you. In your weakness, He is strong.

Happy Friday to you and much love,
Tara B.

Sophie and I are just about wrapping up our journey through the retelling of Pilgrim’s Progress. Last night was particularly stressful because ol' Christian wandered off the path and ended up in the giant’s dungeon and OH! That’s just not good place to be. But “The Owner” (Emmanuel) was with Christian (and his traveling companion, Hopeful) and thankfully, we ended the night with them back on the path again.

I’m grateful for this version of Pilgrim’s Progress. Like the catechism, it gives us yet another paradigm and grouping of language through which to process life. And it reminds us that the Christian life truly is a pilgrimage; this world is not our home; our enemies are real—but often our greatest enemy is the Old Man that resides within; encouragement and strength often come in community; that Jesus has “overcome the world, Satan, and our Old Man” and He is growing us up, sanctifying us, “making us more and more holy in heart and conduct”; and one day, we will be Home.

ScriptureAlone recently quoted John Newton on the topic of growth in grace:

"Remember, the growth of a believer is not like a mushroom—–but like an oak, which increases slowly indeed–—but surely. Many suns, showers, and frosts, pass upon it before it comes to perfection. And in winter, when it seems to be dead–—it is gathering strength at the root. Be humble, watchful, and diligent in the means, and endeavor to look through all, and fix your eye upon Jesus—–and all shall be well." ~John Newton, Letters of John Newton

All shall be well. Amen to that!

Blessings on your Sunday,
Tara B.

Book deadlines beckon, so I’m switching off my wifi and turning on Bach’s WTC.

If you need to reach me, please use an old-fashioned medium like a cell phone.

And please do pray for me if you feel so led. The sea is feeling mighty big and my boat is feeling mighty small. Good thing Freddy B. prayed for me this morning.

Have a great day!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
I’ll give Samuel Rutherford the last word (HT: George Grant):

“Your rock doth not ebb and flow–but your sea.”

“I know no sweeter way to Heaven than free grace and hard trials together.”

"The great religious struggle is not fought on a spectacular battleground, but within the ordinary human heart, when every morning we awake and feel the pressures of the day crowding in on us, and we must decide what sort of immortals we wish to be." C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

(HT: Christian Cryder)

We’re in Butte, Montana for a little family getaway and visit with the Lyndes, so I need to make this short.

But I wanted first to tell you about a super cool school supply that Challies.com linked to and that I really think I might add to our shopping list:

The Sharpie Liquid PENCIL

You have to read the specs to believe it. Wow.

Will try to write more later if I can.

Hope you have a wonderful Friday!

Yours,
Tara B.

My heart has been heavy this summer for many reasons, none of them directly related to me. A number of my dear friends have been suffering in ways that I can’t even begin to describe, it’s just so awful. The phrase, “This life is nothing but a constant death” doesn’t even come close to touching the daily, crushing pain they have been bearing.

In addition, I have had the privilege and sorrow of being invited into the family lives of some, well, I guess a quick way to describe them is “prodigals”—young adults who are recklessly spending their time, devotion, purity, gifts, and relational love on people and goals that hurt them. Sometimes the pain is physical, sometimes it is emotional; but always it is spiritual.

I’m not even sure I can come up with one coherent statement to make about all of this (so many are my thoughts and so complex are my feelings), so I’ll do what I often do, and point you to a wise, godly, excellent writer for guidance and help. Have you read this book yet?

Seeing with New Eyes (by David Powlison)

I read it years ago, but after this post from Kevin DeYoung, I am going to pick it back up again and re-read it:

Our History Explains Something and Causes Nothing

What hope! What encouragement! To know that “According to Scripture, the heart is bent toward sin. It is an idol-making factory making false gods out of people’s approval and ultimately putting ourselves on the throne. We may be wounded, but sin is caused by a sinful heart, not a hurting past.”

This is such good news! Because if we know our PROBLEM then we can run to, embrace, believe in, put all of our hope in ... THE SOLUTION. The Real Solution—Jesus Christ, the Way, Truth, Life, Redeemer, Savior, Shepherd, Priest, King. Regardless of our pasts; regardless of the horrors we experienced as children and young people. Our childhood does not determine our future (!!). God is with His children. There is Hope.

I read John 4 today and I encourage you to do the same. Let your mind drink in the truth that, just like the woman at the well, no matter your past—Jesus is the Living Water that will quench your thirst.

Alleluia and Amen!

I misspoke this morning to Sophia and she caught me on it. It was no biggie, but I did take a moment to explain that when people misspeak, she may want to choose to not correct them—to just cover it over, reinterpret what they said and choose to hear what they meant, because that can be a lovely, gracious way to live.

Then I told her the story of my misspeaking to our dear friend Steve Skiles one day after church. I didn’t realize it at the time, but later in the day, I had this weird sense that I had actually said the OPPOSITE of what I had MEANT to say. I had meant to say something really kind and encouraging, but the actual words I said were, well, rude. Disparaging. (All of the misplacement of one “not.”)

Anyway, when I called him up to ask if I had said the misspeak and to apologize if I had, he just laughed and said what I think are extraordinarily gracious words:

"Tara? Yes. That’s what you said. But don’t give it another thought. I knew what you meant. I know you. I just chose to hear what you meant to say rather than what you actually said."

When I told Sophie this story, she said, “I want to be like Mr. Skiles!” And I said, “Me, too.” It’s just such gracious, kind way to live—truly modeling 1 Peter 4:8 ... love covering over not only sin, but mistakes and humanness too.

Sophie said:

"Mom! It’s like the person making a mistake is like a SCRATCH and love covering it over is like a BANDAID."

Yes. Yes it is.

Oh that we would all be like a gracious bandaid, a balm.

Blessings to you on this fine Monday afternoon!

Yours,
Tara B.

This past weekend I was tempted to paralysis as I looked around our home at the gradually encroaching chaos. (Things on the domestic front tend to devolve when I am focused on a non-Momma-Tara project.)

One part of me wanted to try to tackle the piles. The other was frozen—I couldn’t see the end, so I found it nearly impossible to take one step. (If I filed/shredded the receipts in my office, I’d unearth Peacemaking Team and co-op docs “put in the permanent collection” goodies from Soph & Ella (and more!). That would all remind me of to-do’s that I’m really not sure how to tackle. Which would reveal just how disorganized I am right now. Which would make me feel stressed and out of control. REPEAT as necessary.)

But then Fred (Oh, Wise Fred), encouraged me to “just do one thing.” And that seemed quite reasonable. And I really DID know how to file/shred receipts. And staple orders together and file them. Put goodies in Ella’s Baby Book box (yes, yes, NOT DONE YET baby book). Case files in my case file drawer. Pencils here. Boxes there. HEY! I DO have a floor. And desk.

It took various pushes of concerted effort—but I even unearthed our guest bed (which is particularly timely because we are having guests this weekend).

Whew. And it all began by just doing one thing. One doable thing.

Biting off the whole elephant was not only unpleasant, it was impossible. But the journey begins with one small step.

Hope your Monday is a blessed one of tiny steps, "a long obedience in the same direction".

Yours,
Tara B.

I was really blessed by the FaceBook comments women left for me when I did a status update on Andi Ashworth’s inaugural blog. I’m so happy that you are enjoying her book too! Her insights are so gracious, lovely, and wise. What a blessing that the Art House is now blogging!

If you are interested in “truth, justice, creation care, hospitality, feast, artful kids, music, bookish, visual arts, stage & screen, and crafty” (their categories), you might want to pop on over and give them a read.

Honestly? I don’t think I’m really hip enough to be into most of the categories. (I’m pretty much a nicely nerdy 40 year-old.) But I know that many of you are (wonderfully!) impacting our culture through the arts, so I wanted to be sure to bring the blog to your attention.

Blessings,
Tara B.

Is it just a pattern with me that every time I buckle down even further on a big project, I tend to spiral DOWN DOWN DOWN? I bet it is.

Last night was a caricature of a “nightmare” evening of constant miscommunications between Fred and me. We simply couldn’t have done a worse job communicating if we had a ROAD MAP and a PLAN for misunderstanding each other. This was made all the more frustrating by the fact that we were both, at various times, trying REALLY REALLY hard to serve and bless each other. But every single time (seriously—EVERY TIME), we just ended up making things worse.

Then I started my day at 3AM with an ACTUAL nightmare that I won’t even retell for you. It was awful and sad and now it’s 6:30AM and I’m supposed to have this super-productive writing day and I’m wondering if I can even hold it together to FUNCTION.

Ahhhh. Life.

Two things I watched/heard/read this morning have given my attitude a little tweak, though. And I’m tentatively encouraged that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to pull it together emotionally and get something done today.

The first is this brief lecture by a Stanford professor on TIME. I don’t agree with his interpretations of everything, but his points are interesting and I’m particularly looking forward to discussing with Fred the effect that SCREEN TIME (video games, computer time, etc.) has on REAL LIFE:



Helping Sophie and Ellie to navigate wisely life in a technology-based world is an important part of our parenting goals.

The other thing that tweaked my attitude in a good, very good, way was this one line from a (Sub)UrbanServant post. It comes at the end of a list of five “special” things about parenting her children with FASD:

"Of course each of these things can be a negative if I take it on the flip side but I have found that parenting from the positive side of the fence just works better for me."

Parenting from the positive side just works better, eh?
I bet living from the positive side does too.

- Not oblivious to the past—but not living in nostalgia ("the good ol' days ...") or crushing, debilitating, can-never-overcome-it-pain and shame either.

- Not unmindful of the future—the wise man considers the tower he plans to build; life in a fallen world is, well, life in a fallen world; an eternal focus is really our only TRUE, lasting hope.

- But present. Wholly present with a God-centered orientation that guards me from hedonism or cynicism, even while I learn to remember my past (without worshiping it or hating it) and look to my future (without dreading it or living for it to such an extent that I am never content, grateful, happy now).

Hmmmmmmm ...
That sounds all godly and functional and, well, very un-Tara-like.
(But maybe I’m growing. Just a tiny bit.)

Sanctification. Change. Growth in grace. God says He’s doing it, so it must be true. But some days, it sure feels like the chasm between who I am and who I am called to be is just too big to overcome. Must be why I need a Savior. And, by the way, the (non-optional!) church.

(Didn’t you like the title of my previous post? I thought that might grab some of you. )

Heading into my day now. Please do pray for me if you feel so led. And please say a prayer for our friend (and one of the rare non-total-lurker-blog-commenter-friends we have) "Andrew from Boston"’s mom as she is recovering from a difficult surgery.

Yours,
Tara B.

Wisdom re: simplifying life from Dave Kraft (author of Leaders Who Last):

- Turn down opportunities that might be a good use of who I am but not the best use of who I am. Just last week I said no to two people who offered me a great chance to do something.

- Never say yes to anything over the phone, but buy time to think and pray about it.

- Practice the theology of enough. I have no list of things that fall into the category of: I would be happy if__.

- Ask God to deliver me from an unhealthy appetite for acclaim, approval, position, power, and honor that would push me to do more and more for the wrong reasons.

- Pray to be released from the restless, gnawing greed for more money and more stuff.

- Daily remind myself of who I am and who I am not—being content to be me.

- Carve out sufficient time alone with God for humble contemplation–—to give him opportunity to quiet my anxious heart and keep me focused on my “few themes.”

(HT: Crossway Blog)

Ray Ortland is spot-on in his post, One Anothers I Can’t Find in the New Testament:

"Humble one another, scrutinize one another, pressure one another, embarrass one another, corner one another, interrupt one another, defeat one another, disapprove of one another, run one another’s lives, confess one another’s sins, intensify one another’s sufferings, point out one another’s failings . . . .

In a soft environment, where we settle for a false peace with present evils, we turn on one another. In a realistic environment, where we are suffering to advance the gospel, our thoughts turn to how we can stick up for one another.

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends.” John 15:12-13"

Feeling discouraged?
Could you just be tired?

Check this out:

Sleep and Your Productivity

It’s 5:00AM and I just peeked at my birthday greetings on FaceBook. Yes, yes, I know their privacy policies are AWFUL (that’s why I use ReclaimPrivacy’s great product), BUT, I have to say that for what it’s good at? FaceBook is GREAT at. I love getting to stay in touch with people that I truly enjoy staying in touch with. Plus? Some people may find the birthday greeting thing hokey, but I really like it. Kind of reminds me of our wedding—such an eclectic group of people, all in one place, because somewhere along life’s journey they bumped into you or you bumped into them. I find it lovely.

And I have to say—I really like being 40. Yes, I am very creaky and it takes my old joints awhile to warm up in the morning when I walk Lilikoi. And I can’t believe I’ve let my health goals slip away so much—but I am making gradual gains on that area of life, so that’s great.

But oh! I am so grateful for God’s grace in my life. And I know that I am a different person now than I was at 30. Or 20. Or even as a (newly born again Christian) teenager:

- By God’s grace alone, His Word has taken root in my heart; His Spirit has convicted me and changed me; the Church has disciplined, protected, and fed me; Jesus Himself has prayed for me and loved me; God my Heavenly Father has never left me ... and what used to be for me, in my immaturity, a faith that was lived out by a lot of RULES and BEHAVIORAL CHANGE, is gradually becoming more and more the gospel-soaked air that I breathe;

- Whereas I my emotions and attitudes used to be ones of anger, fear, worry, and disdain re: politics (and then I was a mean, proud, argumentative and divisive woman when I “discussed” (really, argued and ranted) important moral topics) ... gradually, oh-so-gradually, I am beginning to think about such things and discuss such things with greater humility and gentleness. (BTW—wherever you are on the political spectrum; especially if you have ever been tempted to say to a fellow Christian anything like, “How in the WORLD could you EVER call yourself a CHRISTIAN and VOTE FOR HIM/HER!”, I strongly urge you to listen to Tim Keller’s sermon “Arguing About Politics”);

- Although I would not have chosen to be married for almost nine years without children, and I certainly never would have chosen the little taste of hell on earth that miscarrying a child is ... every day, more and more, I see what a controlling, mean, behavior-oriented mother I would have been if I had been a mother in my twenties. Of course, I still blow it A LOT re: parenting. But something is fundamentally different in my heart, even in how I respond when I sin, but also helping to restrain and constrain (and avoid) sin. I am prayerfully hopeful that even in just a tiny way, Sophia and Ella will hear the gospel and see it lived out, even if just in my failures and weaknesses, as I shepherd their precious hearts;

- Yes. Paul Jensen was right when he told us at our wedding (fifteen years ago) that we wouldn’t always feel as in love as we felt in that moment on that day. We doubted him! But of course he was right. Never would I have thought we would struggle as much as we have struggled in the last five years. BUT. God is faithful! And though at times both Fred and I were tempted to utter hopelessness, our marriage is better now than it was during the “happy / easy” years. God’s grace is rooting us deeper into Him and thus, deeper into each other. And I am grateful;

- In my teen years and twenties, I had no idea if my beloved mother would even live one more year. I doubted that we would ever get to have a real, grownup relationship. I never thought she would live to meet her grandchildren! Or if she were alive, that she would be functional enough (and our relationship would be intact enough) for them to have a true relationship with her. But God gave me a huge grace in not only sustaining her life, but helping her in major steps toward health and happiness, and Sophia and Ella adore her. As do I. She is one of my closest friends and I love her. For those of you who walked with me through all of the crises during my years in Morris, Illinois, you know what a grace this is.

I could go on and on, but I think I’ll stop there for now.

Can’t turn 40 without my favorite “so you’re 40” birthday quotes:

“At the age of 20, we don’t care what the world thinks of us; at 30, we worry about what it is thinking of us; at 40, we discover that it wasn’t thinking of us at all.”

“Forty isn’t old, if you’re a tree”

Hope you have a lovely day! Don’t forget to enter our WIN FREE STUFF! drawin for Ed Welch’s, “Running Scared” by 5:00PM (Mtn.) today.

Your old and grateful friend,
Tara B.

For whatever reason (I’m crediting an INTENSE day of work for me—whenever my brain gets clicking along on something really hard and really interesting, I have a hard time shutting it off; and a FUN day that had a—rare for Soph these days—NAP), Sophia and I were a little wired at 10:30 last night. (Fred would undoubtedly say that is a great understatement.)

So we did our typical thing and cuddled and talked and read and laughed. (The talking thing is always particularly wonderful for me because I just LOVE how Sophie opens up her heart to me and shares honestly about hard, complicated, interesting feelings and thoughts she’s having these days.)

But it was the laughter that got us into, well, just a teeny bit of “trouble” because we were GIGGLING so loudly that we woke up Ella (!). But just for a moment. She went right back to sleep and Sophie and I reigned it in a little.

Still. Laughing that hard with my daughter? Her little two-front-grown-up-teeth still crookedly coming into place. WAY TOO SMALL American Girl pajama top layered over an appropriately-sized PJ gown (just because she LOVES her AG bunny pajamas so much and she’s tiny enough around the middle that she can keep wearing things from a LONG time ago—it’s just that the sleeves that used to be long are now, well, not so much). Under the crisp white duvet with a cool breeze coming in the window?

I was just so blessed.

And oh! Just to let those of you who don’t already follow me on FaceBook know, I WAS able to write a rough draft of our book proposal. (!!!) This huge weight off of my shoulders also contributed to my giddiness I’m sure. (Now it’s being reviewed by Fred and then I’ll send it off to my coauthor and then it’ll be time to show it to Ken Sande for his review—he has graciously indicated his willingness to review it for a possible Foreword and for submission to the Peacemaker publisher, Baker Books.) So there’s still lots of work to be done. And then, of course, it’ll be time to actually WRITE the book. No small task.

But still—yesterday was a great day. I was tempted to freak out and give in to fear in the morning. ("I can’t do this! This is too hard! Why did I ever think I could do something like this?!") But the prayers of the saints and many other means of grace in my life prevailed. And I got it done.

THANK YOU for praying!

And thanks for the comments/suggestions on a freebie giveaway too. I think I’ll do a “Running Scared” giveaway—watch for details to come. If I have time, I’ll put up a post on it later today. But first, I need to turn my attention to two little girls, a little school, and baking cookies for the women’s study this afternoon ON “Running Scared.”

Blessings to you and yours,
Tara B.

If you have friended me on Facebook, then you already know that yesterday I had to dial 9-1-1 when sweet Ella showed signs of choking/having some sort of breathing obstruction.

(If your infant CPR/choking class was awhile ago, I encourage you to do a quick review of infant first aid for choking and CPR. How grateful I was that immediately, in the moment, I knew what to do. I assessed the situation, knew the signs that meant “Get Help!”, and wasn’t afraid to dial those horrible, yet precious, 9-1-1 numbers.)

Thankfully, Ella was FINE. But Fred said it was horrifically awful to round the corner to our street (he had left work and rushed home) to see a firetruck and ambulance in front of our home with a gurney right outside our front door. (Shudder!)

Of course, it was no picnic to be the parent home going through it all either. And now it’s 1:30AM and I am unable to sleep because the images and emotions keep rushing into my mind, flooding me with adrenaline. Again and again.

But one of the images doesn’t scare me. It just makes me tear up with gratitude ...

When the firemen (who arrived in three minutes!) went to LEAVE our home—once it was clear that Ella was perfectly fine and I had signed all of the paperwork to end the ordeal—I saw them KNEEL DOWN and lace up their big work boots. It took only a minute or so, but they had obviously gotten the call, jumped into their boots, and came to our home to help us without even taking the time to lace up their boots.

I keep thinking to myself, “Those men responded as though it were THEIR DAUGHTER in distress.” Oh my, but I just can’t imagine they could have gotten here any faster or been, in any regards, more professional or gracious. I am a grateful, grateful woman.

And yes, I watched Ella’s chest go up and down with her deep breaths as she napped in the afternoon. And with every breath, I was grateful all over again.

God was so merciful to us to keep Ella safe. (Strangely, Sophie and I were BOTH right with her when whatever happened to irritate her throat got in there and caused the problem. There were definitely no obvious choking hazards anywhere near her—so my working theory is DOG HAIR. We might not have seen a little tuft. It would have caused her to gag, “choke,” open her mouth wide, sticking her tongue out, but not making any sounds ... but not caused any real harm. Well, beyond scaring her mother that is!)

And those men were so great to come so quickly to help us. A true grace!

I hope your day was far less “exciting.” And I do so hope that I never, NEVER, have to dial 9-1-1 for something related to my children again. Ever.

Heading to bed yet again now—

Yours,
Tara B.

My favorite part of this Mother’s Day?

Not when I had the privilege and JOY of corporate worship, confession, baptism, and the receiving of God’s grace through the preaching of God’s Word to us all —-

No.

Not when I got to WEBCAM with family (SO fun!) and “show off” Ella’s new skills re: pulling up, crawling, looking adorable, etc.

Nope.

It as the “amazing” grace that Sophia poured out on her little baby sister (who tears down Sophie’s elaborate Thomas the Tank Engine tracks and adventures and who makes pretty much every book lovin', craft doin', afternoon for a six year old a bit of a challenge) ...

As Sophie said, “I would gladly drink down TEN BARIUM X-RAYS for you, little sister Eleanor Marie” (flashing back to the truly ICKY ICKY ICKY horribleness of our time at the Children’s Hospital in Denver, Colorado (the year we dealt with Sophie’s horrific traumas related to her abdominal migraines) and WOW! to swallow even ONE barium series would be such a grace, more or less ten (!!).)

We’re all making it through our daddy's-in-TEXAS-time (for Peacemaker Stuff)—
Hope your Sunday was a blessed one!

Your friend,
Tara B.

OK. I’ve said “must read” way too much lately. But seriously! This is a must read. But be forewarned—you’ll see again so clearly how this world is not the way it’s supposed to be; you’ll need some tissues; but you’ll also be reminded that God is so good! And one day, He is going to make things whole again. In the interim? There is comfort:

The Contagious Comfort and Mercy of God

(HT: Challies.com)

Yesterday, Sophie and I had two blessings. (Actually, we had many more. But I wanted to mention these two.)

1. Sophie lost her third big-girl tooth and did so “all by herself.” (It got to the wiggle / barely in there stage and she knew what to do! She grabbed a tissue and wiggled it out, without any direct encouragement from a grown up. Very cool.)



2. We received a box of clothing from my “been in my life the longest” girlfriend, B. What a grace! Things are really tight financially for us right now and WOW! It was so fun to get a new (long, flowery) dress and a cute pair of summer pants and lots more too. (Including the turtleneck being worn in the photos above. Yes, Soph just wanted to immediately put on one of the “new” shirts.) Plus, the box came at just the right time to be a real encouragement to me that, yes, God always provides. Maybe not in the way that feels “easy”. Certainly not in “perfect”/fancy ways (usually). But we do not lack for clean water! Our home is warm. Never have I been afraid that I could not provide food for my girls for this 24 hour window. WEALTH WEALTH WEALTH. (Plus blessings like these lovely clothing items too.) Grace in a box of used clothes—to be sure.

Oh, and I think this box from Bethany was particularly encouraging to me because I just don’t have that many friends. And I certainly don’t have many friends who go back 20+ years.

But she has been a friend to me through my very, very worst and during sweet and lovely seasons too. I miss accompanying her in recitals. (You should hear her on the flute and piccolo!) I wish we got to be moms of our girls in close proximity. (She lives in the south.) Bethany challenges me by her humility and long suffering. She comforts me by her gentleness. She is beautiful inside and out. Oh, and it’s her birthday soon too! (Must get a card out ...)

And during a week when I was pretty much as lonely as I’ve been in a long time, out of the blue, she once again reaches out and reminds me that even I can be loved. (Shocking.) That, yes, lots of people are going to judge and reject me. But every once in awhile, someone will look past my ugliness, forgive my sin, bear with me with kindness and compassion.

Be a friend.

Oh! How I pray that God will help me to be more like B. Because B has, for 20+ years, pointed me to Christ and made this life just a little lighter and little more pleasant. (Even though I haven’t always been able to comfortably receive such friendship and kindness and love. Just haven’t known how. But I’m learning ...)

Thank You, God, for friends.
And for used clothing!

Grace in a box.

Hope your Friday is a blessed one. Soph and Ella and I have, I think, bottomed out in our sickness so I’m hoping that we might actually turn the corner today and move towards HEALTH again. Hooray! This has been a long, long month.

I may even tackle two pockets of resistance (CHAOS!) that have creeped up on me. (Don’t they always?) One is Soph’s schoolroom—needs a little Organizing Momma Attention. And the other is a corner of our guest room that has become a PILE of baby / big kid /post-pregnancy clothing that I really need to sort through, give away, donate, pack away, etc. etc.

I’ve had SUCH a hard time trying to keep Ella in “real” clothes. Being a July 27 baby to her big sister’s December 17 birth has REALLY meant that we’re just missing each other in the hand-me-down-world. Poor kid has pretty much lived in (Golden Retriever hair-covered) sleepers. There must be some real clothes for her in here somewhere, right?



(Or maybe not ... )

Blessings to you,
Tara B.

In my frequent travels, I often meet people (especially church leaders) who are skeptical about “biblical counseling.”

If this describes you, then I encourage you to read this article by a fellow church member of mine (Aaron Sironi):

Becoming a Biblical Counselor: A Skeptic’s Journey

I think you’ll find it profitable.

(And HT to his lovely wife, Kellie, for pointing me to this article and video too. Kellie is a brilliant attorney—I know this first-hand because I had the privilege of clerking for her in my pre-momma-hood days—and a dear sister in Christ.)

In a wise move, Fred “strongly encouraged” me to get out of the house last night and take Lilikoi for a walk. I did and it was great to get some activity and fresh air—and spend time with my sweet Golden.

Fred also had me sleep down in the basement guest room (so I wouldn’t hear Ella and Sophie cough) and (PRAISE GOD!), I did sleep. Hooray! What a grace.

My morning started with a nice time in 1 John, especially when Sophie joined me and we talked about what “loving the world” means and the Prodigal Son and God the Father being quick to forgive.

I even walked Lili again! (Fresh air and activity two days in a row. A miracle!) While listening to my very first iThingy Podcast of Dr. Ligon Duncan (SO good!). And I baked blonde brownies for women’s study this afternoon (my mother in law’s amazingly tasty recipe). AND organized our CDs which have been in piles since, I think, LAST FALL.

Wow. I almost sound functional. God’s grace.

Now if I can just help poor Ella to get to sleep for her morning nap—every time she almost dozes off, she coughs and wakes herself up. Can’t juggle her hysteria on my chest any longer as I type this, so I must scoot.

Joy cometh in the morning—or at least, hope!

Gratefully,
Tara B.

I didn’t sleep last night so now I am going through my day with that horrible fuzzy-brained, eye-burning sensation that still reminds me of law school finals, even after 10+ years.

If I could, I would just crawl into bed right now and try to sleep—but I have paid childcare help today and I REALLY need to get my event documents ready. So I’m trying to persevere.

Oh, I also had the JOY of taking Sophia and a dear friend to a fascinating fossils / dinosaur class this afternoon:



So that forced me to take a shower and try to pull myself together.

Interestingly, in God’s perfect timing, I ACCIDENTALLY picked up a call on my cell phone and ended up having a very real, raw, vulnerable, edifying, gracious, helpful conversation with a friend—who I would’ve screened right on out if I had had my way. (Not because I didn’t want to talk with her, but just because my mind was spinning and I really didn’t want to talk with ANYONE.)

But God knows what we need far better than we do, to be sure.

And her kindness in listening to my (troubled) ramblings and responding not only with grace, but with help and truth too? Well. It was definitely a God thing. And I am grateful—still feeling the weight and tension of anxiety. But I also asked her to please check in on me after a season—a few days? A few weeks? And if I don’t make myself available to talk, really talk with her honestly about how I’m doing ... I asked her to please contact Fred or my pastor and make sure I’m OK. (She lives out of town and sometimes we just need to have someone right here in “real life” check in on us, don’t you think?)

So that’s been pretty much my day. Back to work now. I hope I can actually get something done—

Blessings to you all,
Tara B.

Lots of encouraging things happening in the last few days ...

I met a sister in Christ on my third flight yesterday. Her name was Phyllis and she performed her flight attendant duties for our little prop-jop full of weary travelers with such a sweet countenance and such genuine kindness that I thought, “I wonder if she is a Christian?” Because either she was, or she was one of the most remarkably gentle unbelievers I’ve ever met.

Towards the end of the flight, after I had turned over every piece of paper / baggage receipt / scrap from a magazine I could find in order to continue to journal ...

(Those of you who “need” to write to really work things through / pray will understand what I’m describing.)

... I squirreled up my courage and asked her if she had a Bible that I might borrow for a few moments. (I had violated my cardinal rule for traveling and checked my suitcase—including my Bible—because I didn’t think my knees were up to schlepping it through four airports, all with very short connection times.)

She did and she graciously got it for me from her purse. (She also asked, in such a loving and kind way that I felt like the kid grasping to the piece of floating wood after the Titanic sank and the pastor cried out, “Are ye saved, laddy?!?” ... “Are you born again?” "Yes, mam," I replied. “Great!” she said. And handed me her—well worn—Bible.)

Oh! Like water to a thirsty man. I drank it in. I read all of 1 Peter and, of course, was soothed by God’s mercy, convicted of my sin, broken in repentance, and finally filled with gratitude and HOPE—that God would love a sinner like me; that He would forgive me. Again. That He would continue to give me everything I need to walk in a new way—a way of life and of gracious forbearance (rather than the selfish, self-centered, proud, defensive, ugly way I was tempted to walk).

Such is the fruit of godly repentance!

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10

Repentance is such a grace.

I’ve also been blessed by a Sermon Series on Hope suggested to me by Susan P. (Thanks, Susan!) I regularly have it playing now and it is extremely edifying.

Lastly, I just read on the IX Marks blog that Jonthan Leeman’s new book is out so I immediately ordered it from Amazon:

The Church and The Surprising Offense of God’s Love

Can’t wait to read it! The description sounds spot-on:

"When the world speaks of “love,” it often means unconditional acceptance. Many churches have adopted this mind-set in their practice of membership and discipline-if they have not done away with such structures entirely. “Yet God’s love and God’s gospel are different than what the world expects,” writes Jonathan Leeman. They’re centered in his character, which draws a clear boundary between what is holy and what is not. It’s this line that the local church should represent in its member practices, because the careful exercise of such authority “is God’s means for guarding the gospel, marking off a people, and thereby defining his love for the world.”

So how should churches receive and dismiss members? How should Christians view their submission to the church? Are there dangers in such submission? The Church and the Surprising Offense of God’s Love responds with biblical, theological, and practical guidance-from both corporate and individual perspectives. It’s a resource that will help pastors and their congregations upend worldly conceptions and recover a biblical understanding and practice of church authority."

Amen! We can surely use all the (Christ-centered, biblical, gospel-soaked) help we can get with this topic.

Off into my day here in beautiful Greenville now!

Yours,
Tara B.

Real artists (like poets) touch the soul, don’t they?

Challies also posted a link to this video:



The description reads:

"Kseniya Simonova is a Ukrainian artist who just won Ukraine’s version of “America’s Got Talent.” She uses a giant light box, dramatic music, imagination and “sand painting” skills to interpret Germany’s invasion and occupation of Ukraine during WWII."

I guess that’s technically accurate, but it doesn’t come close to describing how remarkable this video is. Watching her work reminds me of the times I’ve been blessed to sit and watch our friend Taylor Lynde paint.

Don’t you just love how God enriches us through the gifts of artists? And poets. Musicians. (Fred and I were mere FEET away from Yo Yo Ma on stage at Orchestra Hall when he performed the Bach Cello Suites.) Authors. Great dancers. (One of my dearest friends in life once took me to see Baryshnikov dance. And to hear Kathleen Battle sing! Such a friend.) Sculptors. (This video reminds me of a time I saw an artist sculpt a dancer at the Art Institute of Chicago. A lump of clay became the woman standing before us! It was astounding.) Architects. (I still have goosebumps when I think of the time my friend showed me his “sacred space” architectural drawings. How can an engineer’s brain be so artistic too?)

Little glimmers of Heaven. Little wisps of that which is good and true and lovely and pure and admirable.

Thank You, Lord, for artists.

Your friend,
Tara B.

This morning, I specifically asked Fred to make statements of TRUTH to me to help remind me of what I really DO believe (even when my emotions are to the contrary).

Encouragement? Faith’s Fight Against Sin? Battling Unbelief? All things that are not meant to be experienced alone. (We really cannot encourage ourselves.)

In that vein, here is something to encourage you, my dear blog friends ... yet another wonderful RZIM Slice by Jill Carattini:

Christmas Is Coming

Consider just an excerpt:

"According to Shern, we are instead stressed at the approach of Christmas because of finances, because of family, because of the absence of family, because of over indulgence, because we have too much to do, or because we have too little to do and feel the pointed edges of loneliness. For so many of us, the thought that Christmas is coming is indeed one that invokes fear, trembling, and attention, though perhaps for all the wrong reasons ...

Ironically, the season of Advent has been compared to living in a prison, though far from the prison-scenario many of us envision this time of year. Advent envisions enslavement, but not in the lists of things that need to be done or the emotional waves of the season. It is a far more real type of confinement; the enslavement of self, the imprisonment of sin. Advent envisions us waiting for the one who breaks in and sets us free. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who knew well the cold walls of a prison cell, writes this of our confinement:

“Christ is breaking open his way to you. He wants to again soften your heart, which has become hard. In these weeks of Advent while we are waiting for Christmas, he calls to us that he is coming and that he will rescue us from the prison of our existence, from fear, guilt, and loneliness. Do you want to be redeemed? This is the one great question Advent puts before us.... But let us make no mistake about it. Redemption is drawing near.”

Amen and amen.
Maranatha, Lord Jesus.
Soften our hearts and come into them we pray.
Amen.

I know by the numbers in my little weekly blog statistics report that the majority of you 1,100+ weekly readers have not yet friended me on FaceBook, so most of you missed my lil' ol' (EMBARRASSING!) fb update from yesterday morning:

"Was going SO slowly. Was trying to be SO careful. Watched my mirrors. Inched by inched and STILL hit our HOUSE with Fred’s TRUCK this morning. Just a tiny bit and Fred was nothing but gracious but STILL, I’m kicking myself and dreadfully looking forward to a “how to back the truck out of our tiny space” driving lesson. Poor Fred."

(Can you believe it? Oh, Tara. Hitting the HOUSE? Really?)

Anyway ... I received some very kind and encouraging comments in reply and I wanted to be sure to share one with you in particular. It was written by dear KLV and including a link that had come to her via our beloved BrittleCrazyGlass. (Aren’t there just some times when you love the internet?)

Responding in Faith to Mistakes (by Michael K.)

It’s definitely worth the read and it was very encouraging to me when I was tempted to cringe AGAIN this morning just THINKING about yesterday. Consider just a few of the points he made and then click on through to read the rest:

1. When you make a mistake, you make an error in judgment or a moment of forgetfulness. The gospel reminds you that your self-worth is not tied to your ability to perform perfectly.

(Editor’s comment: I never need reminding of THAT, do I? )

2. When you make a mistake, you are tempted to hide, blame, or ignore. The gospel gives you the confidence you need to own up to it and accept responsibility.

(Editor’s comment: So would “hiding” be my (adrenaline-fueled) initial temptation to try to WIPE the brown paint OFF of the truck BEFORE I went inside to confess to Fred? Macbeth’s wife has nothing on me ...)

6. When you make a mistake, you look for ways to redeem yourself in the eyes of your bosses and peers. The gospel reminds you that you have nothing to prove to anyone since Christ has proven Himself on your behalf.

(Editor’s comment: Oh yes. The backstage view is not pretty, is it? I’m actually far worse than you could ever, ever know.)

7. When you make a mistake, you become afraid. Afraid of what people think, afraid of doing something wrong, afraid of the consequences. The gospel drives out fear with perfect love.

(How grateful I am for God’s gracious love as manifested in my husband’s gracious love. He could have been so angry with me—and maybe he was, but if so, he sure hid it well because in the moment and all day long and as he tucked me in to bed, he was only, ever perfectly kind and loving to me about it all. Driving out my fear.)

Here’s to hopin' you didn’t run into any houses yesterday.
(And if you did, the people around you—and you yourself!—could give you grace.)

Blessed Thursday to you,
Tara B.

This morning as we were cuddling in bed as a family, Sophia and I shared with Fred the discussion we had earlier this week about Justification and Sanctification.

I was very encouraged that Sophie “gets” justification (as much as any of us really CAN—especially if we’re only five years old) because she explained it pretty much like this:

"Justification is like God taking a permaMent ... perNament ... permanent marker and coloring your WHOLE HEART. But sanctification is about the smudgy parts."

Ahhhhhhhhhh ... theology and office supplies. Two of my favorite things.

So apparently God has a sharpie!
I’m thrilled.

(And I’m also sitting here in SLC trying not to have a grouchy heart towards Delta since their lack of customer service has inconvenienced me. No big deal! But oh how air travel can really reveal the areas of my heart in need of further smudgy-ness-removal.)

Happy Thursday to you—

Yours,
Tara B.

It’s been a long day around here.

Ella’s congestion makes it very hard for her to breathe, so I have to hold her upright and use the nasal bulb aspirator constantly.

That doesn’t leave a lot of time for Sophia (or productivity or sleep)—because whenever I put Ella down, she just cries and cries.

(I often wonder in these situations how big families survive. I’ve done literally NOTHING else today. What do you do when you have bunches and bunches of little ones? Just have the baby cry hysterically? Or are the older kids old enough to HOLD the baby while you attend to other needs??)

Anyway ... it’s been a long day and I am exhausted. But I am going to bed (hah! not like I’m going to get to sleep) ...

I am heading into the evening hours grateful for many things, but in particular, three graces:

1. When Fred called from Illinois and I was scolding Sophia and she was melting down and Ella was crying hysterically and Lili needed to be fed (etc. etc.), he didn’t rebuke me. He didn’t even counsel me. He just gave me mercy (I surely DESERVED a rebuke!) and gratitude (even though I sure was feeling like pretty much the world’s worst mother!) and encouraged me.

2. Ella stopped crying long enough for Sophia and I to cuddle, talk, be fully reconciled, and head into our evening with a fresh start. (Oh, and BTW–one of the reasons Ella calmed down is because she was, yet again, MESMERIZED by her crib mobile. Or, as Fred and I like to call it, “The Best Money We’ve Ever Spent!” If you’re ever in market for a lavish (but worth it!) gift for a baby, we highly recommend the Tiny Love: Symphony in Motion Mobile. Both Soph and Eleanor have been fascinated by it.)

3. ELLA NURSED! I can’t tell you what an answer to prayer this is for me. She has had SUCH a hard time breathing that she just hasn’t been nursing well or taking her baba milkies well either. I just can’t tell you how CALMING and ENCOURAGING it is for me that she has nursed well this evening.

And with that? I’m going to do a little reading / praying / cuddling with Sophia, while hopefully wooing Eleanor into a little sleep.

Thank God for daily grace!

Yours,
Tara B.

Sophie and I had a fun morning making a card / fan for Grandma Chris. Fred flies out at 6AM tomorrow for GG’s memorial service and we wanted to send something special. I’m trusting that anything involving tissue paper, glitter glue, feathers and googly-eyes will (hopefully) qualify as special:



She picked out the project from a very old “Childcraft” book from Grandma Chris that we absolutely love:



We also had another sweet Grandma Chris moment today when, after a particularly beautiful violin practice time (my heart is SO blessed by Sophie’s playing!), I gave to her a needlepoint that my mother-in-law made for me the Christmas that Fred and I got engaged:



I remember that I cried when I opened it because my spiritual grandmother, Grandma Doris, had that exact same, “Music is a fair and glorious gift of God” needlepoint next to her piano for 50 years of lessons and love.

So lots of grace in our day—even though Poor Ella has developed this cold too and is struggling to nurse. Again.

Hope your weekend is kicking off to a blessed start!

Yours,
Tara B.

We dropped Fred off at the airport this morning, after a nice, slow morning at home that even allowed for some cuddles and conversation while Ella stirred.

Then we were able to gas up our little Honda (which was way closer to “E” than I prefer it to be) and I talked with Sophia about what a grace it was to be able to simply go to the gas station and purchase the gas we need. (I can remember many years of life when that wasn’t true for me.)

A little violin lesson. Time at women’s study. (WHAT a tremendous group of women! I learn so much from them. Plus, they make me LAUGH!) Taking care of my friend’s children (so she can volunteer at the Crisis Pregnancy Center). And then home for milkies for Ella and dinner with a dear friend.

And may I just point out that this was a REAL FRIEND kind of dinner ... Status of house? Utter chaos. And I mean UTTER. On top of chaos, there is dust & Golden Retriever hair. And for dinner? Left over chicken, Mac-n-Cheese, and GRAPES. A real feast fit for a king, eh? But oh! How sweet life is when we have even one friend who accepts us as we are and enters into our life without criticism and judgment; and who even jumps in and HELPS. (I mentioned my concern about having the girls alone for four nights because I’m just not sure I’m going to get any sleep AT ALL and I might be a total wreck by Saturday. She even offered to come over and sleep over and help with Ella. Now that’s a friend.)

We also had two GRANDMA blessings in our day ...

Fred’s mom sent the sweetest set of dresses for Sophia, Eleanor, and Sophie’s DOLL:



And my “Christian mom” (the mother of the family I lived with in high school after my mom’s suicide attempt) / Grandma Livingston sent this adorable little outfit for Ella:



We did get to Skype with Fred, so that was fun. Even Lilikoi (our Golden Retriever) was interacting with him.

And now it’s almost midnight and Ella is still wide awake, so I’m wide awake. (AND my floor is SOPPING WET because I RAN out of the shower still soaped-up and shampoo'd-up in response to Ella’s HYSTERICAL SCREAMS AND CRIES right in the middle of her sleeping soundly. (I thought I had, you know, 10 minutes to try to get clean. But nope. I was just glad she was OK. As soon as I got to her (drip drip dripping), she stopped crying, her eyes lit up, she made a big smile and COOOOOOOO’D at me. Yes. Truly. A great survival mechanism if ever there was one.)

Hope you get more sleep than me tonight!

Sending you love from a tired, but happy friend,
Tara B.

I’ve been feeling a bit guilty lately that this blog has become such a “Mommy Blog” rather than a peacemaking blog. I keep thinking that I’ll be losing readers any day now, but somehow my little weekly report says otherwise (to my great surprise).

I truly hope that I’m sharing enough “real” content with you to be an encouragement to you, even though I really am in a bit of an (exhausting / feels overwhelming) life-with-a-newborn transition. The reality is, I’m going to write every day anyway (I’ve been journaling my entire life), so blogging for me comes as naturally as showering and brushing my teeth.

(Actually, these days, blogging comes EASIER than showering and brushing my teeth because I can do it while holding a baby. Is it just me, or do other new mothers have a hard time actually getting to bathe themselves on a regular basis? Somehow Ella is clean and fed all day long, but I can’t say the same thing about me.)

ANYWAY ...

I’ve actually had many peacemaking issues on my heart lately, but they are of such a nature, that I can’t discuss the details publicly:

- In one peacemaking situation, I am far removed. I don’t know the people involved. But I am friends with people who have been hurt and are concerned, and together (with very few details and no identifying information), we are crying, grieving, praying, and striving to respond in a God-honoring way.

- In another situation, I have been acting as a conflict coach to the leaders of a Christian ministry who are striving to respond wisely to a crisis in their ministry. Oh! What an honor to be contacted for help. But Oh! How my heart has been heavy and grieving for every person involved. I love to serve in the area of Christian conciliation, and I know that God is sovereign over this entire situation, but my heart still hurts. Terribly.

- In a third peacemaking situation, I am simply a friend. Someone I love has been cruelly and viciously attacked by another Christian and I am ... well ... I’m weeping, praying, emailing, and hopefully getting to TALK with her and BE with her one of these days too. Virtual communication is OK in the short-run, but sometimes, you just have to soak someone’s shirt with your weeping. And this is one of those times.

On top of those specific cases, I had the joy of serving hundreds of women last weekend, so that means that every break, every meal-time, and now in my Inbox every morning, I have the privilege of hearing about the suffering of many godly, wonderful women. Oh oh oh! This life is just so hard.

Plus, on top of peacemaking, Eleanor just CAN’T nurse. I’m sure it’s just the congestion, but it was HOURS this morning of her crying hysterically. She surely has cried more in the last two days than she has in the rest of her ENTIRE life COMBINED CUMULATIVELY. And at the 2.5 hour mark, MY tears just started to flow. I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I just wept and wept—for the frustration and difficulty of my precious little newborn suffering, sure. But also for my friend (who I tried to encourage with my favorite Dan Doriani quote ever:

"I pity you for your graceless criticism of me because it reveals the appalling condition of your heart."

MAN! She has received some graceless criticism these days.)

Fred is under extraordinary pressure and working into the wee hours of the night again. Soph is still not 100%.

And yet ... and yet ... there was much grace, even through my tears:

- I read a wonderful Andree Seu essay yesterday (probably from JUNE or something because it’s been that long since I’ve read a magazine) in which she really challenged me to check my JOY level because my theology is going to be reflected in joy. Not necessarily ease or happiness, but real, true, lasting, deep, JOY. And this morning? Even as I battled with a sinful, ungrateful heart towards Fred; even as I wept over Ella; even as I tried to encourage my friend ... I was also prayerful and I DID have joy. Or at least the hope and confidence of joy to come.

- I reached out for help. I did. It is so humbling and so embarrassing, but the truth is, with Fred leaving town all next week for the Peacemaker Conference, I really think I need some help. And even though the friend I called this morning CAN’T help next week, she did SHOW UP this morning and “DEMAND” that I hand over Ella and GET SOME REST. Just when I was all set to feel so alone ... Honestly? I was trying to find my comfort in Christ alone and I think I was doing OK. Working with Sophie, holding Ella, we were getting through our morning with our hearts resting in Christ. But it was awfully nice to see a friend, too.

One day at a time.
One moment at a time.
One breath at a time.

I couldn’t will myself into a good mood this morning by telling myself how AWFUL I am for being so ungrateful. (Beating yourself up doesn’t usually help in these situations, does it?)

I couldn’t REASON myself into a grateful heart by reminding myself “how good I have it” (which I do! I know!).

But I could cry and I could pray. I could and I did remember even one true thing about Who God is and Who I am in Christ. I could reach out for help and I could receive help (even while I’m trying to help others too).

So it’s a good day, eh? Even through my tears.
And God is a good God.

Hang in there if you’re struggling!
(And thanks for helping if you’re in a better place and HELPING those of us who are struggling.)

Sending my love,
Tara B.

Jill Carratini had another profound article in RZIM’s devotional “Slice of Infinity”:

Free Lunch

This is essay is particularly timely and meaningful to me since I am so laid up and on the receiving end of so much of what she describes:

"A director of the L’Arche community had come to visit Nouwen while he was still at Yale. She visited the campus for a few days, cooked him an enjoyable meal, and offered help in simple, practical ways. Nouwen recalls, “I expected this greeting to be followed by a request to give a lecture, write an article, or offer a retreat.” But the visit had no strings attached; she had simply come to care for him in the name of Christ. It was altogether unlike the rules of kindness Nouwen was used to. In a world where there are no free lunches, the simple act stirred deeply in his soul."

As someone who is receiving quite a bit of “simple, practical care” these days, I just wanted to say again how stirred (and grateful) my tired, fevered body and soul are.

Thank God for grace! And thank God for friends.

Yours,
Tara B.

This past week, I have focused particularly hard on helping Sophia learn how to give herself more grace. She’s just such a focused, driven child that sometimes, she is simply WAY too hard on herself. (I have NO idea where she gets this tendency from. Must be her calm, gracious, kind daddy, right? Not her JD/MBA driver Type-A Momma. No way! )

Anyway ... we’ve had a really good week talking about and praying about not overreacting to foibles and mistakes, correction and instruction, and just being an imperfect person in an imperfect world.

A key part of our discussions has been learning to discern the difference between SIN (for which we repent and there are painful consequences and forgiveness) and LIFE IN A FALLEN WORLD (for which we learn to walk through with GRACE). A few examples:

- Immaturity: Sometimes just accidentally and sometimes foolishly, five year olds (and 39 year old mothers!) do immature things like misjudging how much they can carry up the stairs (and end up dropping things) or forgetting to the put the milk away. GIVE YOURSELF GRACE. Don’t overreact and hide your face in despair! Learn. Grow. And move on.

- Ignorance: Guess what? Five year olds (and 39 year olds and 99 year olds) don’t know everything! We read and listen and ask questions and study because there are lots and lots of things we are quite ignorant of. We need to learn and grow. It’s a part of life. If you could play that Suzuki Book 2 song perfectly at the start, you wouldn’t need to take lessons or practice. Give yourself a break! It’s hard to learn something new, but almost everything of real worth takes effort. Don’t be overly frustrated, learn to enjoy the process of growing and learning. (And oh! The satisfaction and JOY when you master something new and can just relax and take PLEASURE in it.)

- Outright Sins of Defiance and Disobedience: We don’t “give ourselves grace” and “forbear” when we are sinning. We repent and confess. For example ... when I came downstairs the other day and Sophie said, “I’m trying to give myself grace, Mom, but I feel SO GUILTY.” And then I found out WHY she felt guilty? (Fred had commanded her to STOP chewing on her barrettes and she was, again, chewing on her barrettes.) I instructed her that no, she shouldn’t “give herself grace” in this situation. She should repent and yes, put her hope and confidence in the fact that God IS a gracious God and he WILL forgive her and give her a clean start. But in this moment? Right now? She is called to repent.

- Guilt Over Past Sins: Oh my! But does my kid have a LONG memory. And sometimes she still CRINGES over things she’s done even years ago (!). Some of them, she hasn’t yet confessed to God and to us. (Like yesterday when she confessed to coloring the grout in our tile with a pencil, “When she was 3 or 4 years old.”) Of course, we just helped her to confess and trust that she is forgiven.

But it gets harder, doesn’t it, when she struggles with self-condemnation over sins that she has already confessed and been forgiven for. (Seriously. Where DOES she get this propensity from? Hah. If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know that this kid truly IS her mother’s daughter.) Isn’t THIS where the rubber hits the road as far as the gospel is concerned? In THIS moment, we will either believe the lies of Satan, the world, and our Old Man-tainted feelings. Or, by FAITH, we will believe that what GOD SAYS is true. That God is not a liar and HE silences the lies and condemnation of devil and the world. Yes, our feelings can be strong, but TRUTH is stronger.

So that’s why we study and memorize SCRIPTURE.

To help me to do so this week, I pulled out Michael Horton’s fantastic book, Putting Amazing Back into Grace: Embracing the Heart of the Gospel because worth the price of the book alone is his Appendix of Scriptures on sin and grace. In it, he quotes the great Donald Bloesch in saying, "It’s time for less dialogue, and more monologue—with God doing the talking!"

Amen! So let’s hear the truth and believe the gospel. There really IS “Grace that will pardon and cleanse within ...”:

"For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ." 1 Thessalonians 5:9

“Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us.” Galatians 3:13

“'For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10

My sister and her (wonderful!) Fred will be coming for ten days to help us when Ella arrives. We’re all so grateful AND excited to see them because we’re all such good friends. Plus, they’re REALLY helpful when there is a newborn in the house. Not only do they take care of meals and shopping and just pitch in as needed, they also have these REALLY late-night hours that are very conducive to helping new parents to get SLEEP while a tiny baby gets HELD and loved into the wee hours of the night.

In addition to helping in person, they also gave us a huge gift tonight of paying the fee for Fred and me to go to our local “Dinner’s Served” and make 12 meals (that are then frozen and used as needed).

With just 90 minutes of work, we now have a lovely menu of healthy, delicious meals to look forward to when the c-section and knee surgery-recovery times come next month:



Truly, the Lord provides! I am a grateful, grateful woman.

Hope your Wednesday was a blessed one—

Yours,
Tara B.

Pastor Ray Ortlund posted a great Jonathan Edwards quote over at Christ is Deeper Still and I encourage you to check it out:

Zeal and Resolve

In it, he is specifically addressing the influence that PASTORS have. As I read it, I thought back with great love and appreciation on the pastors who have lived lives of “zeal and resolve” and have thus influenced my life for the good for 25+ years now:

"Two things urgently needed in ministers, if they would attempt great advances for the kingdom of Christ, are zeal and resolve. Their influence and power for impact are greater than we think.

A man of ordinary abilities will accomplish more with zeal and resolve than a man ten times more gifted without zeal and resolve ...

The very appearance of a intensely engaged spirit, together with a fearless courage and unyielding resolve, in any person that has undertaken leadership in any human affair goes a long way toward accomplishing the intended outcome ..."

Thank you, Pastor Vic Varkonyi, Dr. Paul Jensen, Pastor Bill Meier, Pastor Colin Smith, Pastor Alfred Poirier, and Pastor Jason Barrie.

How grateful I am for your zeal and resolve and your faithful preaching (and living!) of the Word of God.

(Oh, and how grateful I am for your godly, wise, “full of zeal and resolve” WIVES too.)

With joy,
Tara B.

Yesterday I received some, well, inconvenient news. So rather than indulging an incredibly-low-energy day, I had to work. Hard. And BOY was my heart grumpy about it—at least initially.

But then, thankfully, the Lord helped me to repent. He reminded me of certain teachings from Pastor Bryce’s sermon. He reminded me of who I was and (even more importantly) Who He was. I began to thank Him for feeding me with the bread and the wine during the Lord’s Supper.

And rather than grouse around, I began to look for ways to encourage.

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:19-25

Oh oh oh! How sweet it is to be encouraged. AND to encourage.

Life will always be stressful, difficult, and challenging. There may be moments of calm, seasons of rest. But overall? Life is HARD. That’s why we are called to encourage one another.

Let’s not be stingy with encouragement! Let’s look for ways to help the people around us to feel that they BELONG. They are WANTED. They are not alone.

(Isn’t it true that this sense of having a place in the world is so important to PEACE and JOY?)

When we feel alone, we feel vulnerable. And in fact, we ARE vulnerable. It is not good to be alone. So let’s be GIVERS of regular, sincere, loving, encouragement. Let’s INVEST in each other’s lives ... all the more as we see the Day approaching.

No more discouragement! (I’m preaching to myself here.) Turning away from little acts of rudeness, a put down “in fun”, bearing grudges, not blessing those who offend/annoy/reject/HURT us.

But instead, a lifestyle of encouragement. Flowing right out of God’s love for us, let us love and encourage one another.

This is my prayer as I start my day.

I hope that you are encouraged today!

Sending you my love,
Tara B.

Soph made a foolish decision today and did something she knew to be wrong.

Thankfully, she came and confessed to us (what a grace!) and we were able to work through it. But even after her painful consequence, confession, and forgiveness, she was still struggling and feeling awful. In her despair she said something to the effect of:

"I’m just SO bad! I’m such an awful kid. I don’t even belong in this family!"

Oh oh oh. How quickly we could comfort her with this truth:

"Soph. Seriously. If this family isn’t a family for sinners? Well, then, mommy and daddy could never be in this family either.

We ALL struggle with sin. Remember Romans 7 & what the Apostle Paul said? How he does the very thing he doesn’t want to do and the thing he knows he SHOULD do, he DOESN’T do?

That’s us! That’s ALL of us.

We’re sinners in need of forgiveness. And we ARE forgiven because of Jesus.

This is your home, dearest darling.
Forever and always."

And then we snuggled away, all wrapped up in each other’s arms.
Grace grace grace.

I’m a grateful Momma.

Blessings to you on your Sabbath tomorrow!

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

Our Saturday was a quiet day spent mostly at home. (I ran to the store to stock us up a bit on groceries, but otherwise we were simply together at home.)

Fred and Sophie slept late. I, of course, even after getting up my normal six or eight times in the night, was still wide awake by 6:30AM because that’s just the way I’m wired.

I love the cool, fresh, early morning air and I curled up with a book that I’ve tried to finish four or five times over the last few years, but never did. Until today.

Yes, I’m happy to report that I’ve completely knocked off a novel (I don’t read many novels) and now I don’t have to see a partially read copy of Peace Like a River silently condemning me from my bookshelf any more. (I felt a little guilt every time I saw it because I hadn’t yet finished it.)

My dear friend LOVED this book and so highly recommended it that I bought it. And it was OK to read (I did finish it after all and many books I literally just give away or throw away if they are REALLY bad). But it wasn’t really my style of writing. Maybe I’m just too concrete / too much of a lawyer-brain for the prose of this author. I don’t know.

But hooray! I read the book off and on during the day; inside and out; early morning and late hours; in between pancakes, lots of reading out loud to Sophie, helping Fred in the yard, cheering Sophie on the Slip-n-Slide, putting her flowers in a vase, playing Gopher It and Stare! and Find It (all played in bed, as a family, so I could lie on my side because MAN! Ella is wonderfully and uncomfortably active), throwing Lili’s favorite ball, making lunches, and watching Fred install our new printer and put our flag out for Memorial Day.

A quiet day indeed. Didn’t do a lick of cleaning–although the house would’ve been better off if I had. Didn’t really “accomplish” much. What an accomplishment.

Hope you have a restful Sabbath!

Yours,
Tara B.

Somber and Dull continues to be neither somber nor dull and this post reminded me of some or my favorite teachers and professors of all time:

Of Murderous Sisters and Circadian Rhythms

How I thank God for teachers like:

Mrs. Adams (3rd grade)

Mr. Fiske (high school band)

Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Hughes (high school English, speech team, and drama)

Dr. Poe (A.P. English)

Dr. Kleinhuizen-Jensen (college piano)

Dr. Olsen (college literature and “Pilgrimage of Poets”)

Dr. Jensen (college philosophy and Sunday School classes)

Mr. Kaplan (law school tax, elder, and non-profit)

Mr. Leipold (law school criminal procedure)

Dr. Woodbridge (Trinity Evangelical Divinity School professor who taught our Sunday School class)

Rev. Dr. Alfred Poirier and Rev. soon-to-be-Dr. Jason Barrie (my current pastors)

My favorite teachers of all time. How I thank God for you!

Have I mentioned to you that TWICE in the last two weeks I have SHATTERED GLASS and called (screamed?) for Fred to come running?

The first time, I was hanging something in the girls' room and dropped the hammer on a frame–sending SHARDS of glass everywhere in the one room where I REALLY didn’t want to have glass shards. Fred came running, lifted Sophie to safety, made sure I was clear, and then got the vacuum and spent a long time making us all safe. All without complaint. Never once making me feel stupid (although I felt very stupid all on my own).

The second time, I was working in my office when BAM! A very heavy glass globe I’ve had for years fell OFF of the shelf at JUST the right angle and SHATTERED on top of my old, old laptop sending not only GLASS but some sort of strange, oily LIQUID everywhere.

“Fred! Fred! Help!” And, yet again, Fred came running. Made sure I wasn’t injured and cleared me out of the room–only to spend an even LONGER time cleaning up glass, oily liquid, AND papers, cords, a printer, a CD player, and–yes, a very old laptop that has yet to reboot.

(Thankfully the laptop WAS almost nine years old and we only used it as a sort of make-shift print server because our printer is SO old that it still requires an ancient (do they call it a nine-pin??) printer cable. The laptop was SO old and dying that it had actually been giving us error messages something along the lines of, “PERMANENT HARD DISK FAILURE IMMINENT. BACK UP YOUR FILES RIGHT NOW IF YOU CAN BECAUSE THIS COMPUTER IS ABOUT TO DIE!!!” Little did it know that I was about to speed it along its technological life cycle.)

Anyway ...

Yet again, Fred was unfailingly gracious. I still cringe when I think about it. ("How could I BE so stupid?!") But Fred really is one of those, “Accidents happen. Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you’re OK.” kind of people.

I want to be like Fred.

(Thanks, dear! I love you.)

Here’s to hoping I STOP breaking things soon ...

Yours,
Tara B.

Wonderful teachings are now available over at PastorTheologian.com.

Enjoy!

Sunday morning, I was yet again blessed by the God-centered humility demonstrated from the pulpit by the two elders who opened our service (prior to our pastor’s wonderful sermon).

As is usually the case in our church’s order of worship, one elder calls us to worship and opens the service with Scripture reading and prayer, and after corporate worship (singing), the other elder leads us through a time of corporate confession of sin, words of assurance of our forgiveness, and corporate prayer.

How grateful I am that when we came to our time of corporate confession, our elder modeled real confession for us by confessing his own struggles with anger, impatience, and using a harsh tone of voice with his children. Our elders regularly confess sin from the pulpit and in so doing, they give us great confidence that we, too, can REALLY be honest (before the Lord, in our own hearts, AND corporately) and confess sin too.

Our hope is in the Lord! NOT in being “good people.” We ALL struggle with sin! Our remedy isn’t to try harder or do better–our Only Remedy is faith in Christ. He is Our Forgiveness. He is Our Hope.

And when we read the responsive reading of corporate confession and the elder gave us a time of silence to search our own hearts, I was SORELY convicted of a horribly harsh tone I had used with Sophie just the night before. Honestly? I hadn’t used such an awful tone with her in months. But I did last night and I was appropriately ashamed.

So I confessed to the Lord and then I whispered my confession to Sophia. Her eyes grew wide and she whispered back how it really did scare her when I spoke to her like that. I admitted again that I was wrong, it was sinful, and I asked her to please forgive me.

As usual, she was QUICK to forgive me and we could go on and enjoy the rest of the church service fully reconciled.

Grace grace grace. I just don’t know how people live apart from the Lord and His Bride.

Off into our day now–
I am SURROUNDED by STUFF (because whenever you paint you make a HUGE organizational mess too, right?).

Here’s to taking it slowly and working to put the house back together ...

Blessings to you!

Your friend,
Tara B.

We had a nice, slow start to our Saturday – pancakes by Sophia and Fred, Tic Tac Chess with CarTalk on in the background ... pretty nice, pretty calm.

But then (cue scary music), Fred and I started talking about some money issues and BAM! We were into a hard conversation where it felt like we were no longer friends / on the same team (even though I think that fundamentally we really were very close in our convictions and interests). But old patterns die hard and I was extremely tempted to PULL BACK and “run away” emotionally.

We came to a natural pause in the conversation and I called Sophia down because I had some little educational toys that I had been saving for her, just waiting for a quiet family day at home.

Was I in for a surprise when she came down with a packed bag and sleeping bag on her shoulders! I asked what she was doing and she said:

"Going to a new a home."

“Why?” I asked.

“Because you said that I had to go away while you and dad were having a hard conversation so I’m going away.”

“OK,” I said. “There’s the door.”

Talk about surprising HER! She just looked at me and looked at the door and looked back at me. (This is a HUGE deal in our home because we keep our doors LOCKED and she is NEVER allowed to unlock and open them without express permission from a grownup.)

I indicated with a nod, “Go ahead.”

And she did.

Right out the door in her bare feet and little sundress in 40 degree weather with her beloved Kiki, LoveBunny, two books, and sleeping bag slung over her shoulders.

Of course I NEVER let her out of my sight and I watched her pause on our stoop. Then pause at the end of our sidewalk. Then pause at the end of our driveway.

Once she figured out that I wasn’t coming after her (which, OF COURSE, I would’ve done if she had taken three more steps and moved out of my line of sight), she came BACK inside and we had a good long cuddle and talk.

The bottomline is that I told her that every child gets ONE little “running away” episode like that, but NEVER AGAIN is she to threaten us or run away. This is her HOME and we are her parents and we’re are always going to be together. Always.

I told her that I never let her out of my sight because she is my little girl and it is my duty and my delight to keep her safe. I reminded her that the three of us (and baby in utero!) are a team and NO MATTER WHAT, we work through things. We don’t run away from each other. We don’t give up on each other. We don’t hide or pull back–we persevere because we love one another and we are family.

Thankfully, I also LISTENED to myself throughout this entire conversation and repented of my desire to run away from Fred. And, yes, we’re working through things too. In fact–we’re even tackling a little home remodeling project in that RIGHT NOW, Fred and Sophie are painting the girls' room (no longer just “Sophie’s room”) PURPLE. Pretty cool! I’ll be sure to post pics as they make progress.

With Sophie’s permission, I’m sharing this little story from our morning with the hope that it might encourage you to NOT run away from your difficulties and sufferings (financial, physical, a broken friendship, struggles in your marriage/church/school, whatever your burden) ... but run to GOD and persevere in love for neighbor too.

(And, yes, I’m trying to listen to myself with THAT advice too. )

Back to helping with the purple room (not the painting, of course, but I’m in charge of organizing) –

Yours,
Tara B.

This afternoon, Sophie and I had the joy of stuffing bulletins at our church.

We joined another woman and another family (with three young children) to collate, fold, stuff, and box hundreds of bulletins.

I’m sure this pattern is repeated in thousands of churches every Friday and it’s absolutely no big deal that we do it. But what made me chuckle today was this exchange between the two older girls (Sophia and her dear friend, T.) and me:

"We’re glad to help out, but our arms are getting tired."

“Yes. Yes. I can relate. This is HARD work.”

“Do we have to keep going? It feels like this is NEVER going to get done!”

“Yes, girls, you must persevere. This is what service feels like. It almost always has an element of pain/sacrifice. This is what it means to serve the church. GOOD JOB. Keep going. You can do it.”

And they did.

(I can’t remember if I posted this for you guys in an earlier blog post. But I was looking something up on my laptop and stumbled across the OLD OLD essay I wrote, you know, a zillion years ago and thought it might give you a chuckle or two. Can you believe I was such a little smuggler back when the USSR was still in existence? Life is so strange. And God is so good.)

———————————————————————————————-

Unlikely Smuggler
by Tara Klena Barthel

“What am I doing?” I thought as my mind swirled and my hands began to shake. “I’m only seventeen years old. I’m supposed to start my senior year of high school in a few weeks. I should be home eating a DQ Butterfinger blizzard!” But instead, I was standing in the passport-control line of the Estonia border, my bags stuffed with illegal materials from the underground Christian church.

“If I get caught, they will never give me back my passport. I could be stuck here for weeks, months, maybe even years!”

“What have I done?”

It all began when a Christian missionary music team gave a concert at our local church. I loved accompanying the choirs at my school, and I was passionate for sharing the Gospel. At the encouragement of my church leaders, I auditioned for the team, was accepted, and soon found myself en route to Estonia for a short-term summer missions project.

The year was 1987 and the cold war continued to rage. Estonians longed for their freedom, but the Soviet Union held them tight in the grip of communism. We entered the USSR as tourists and our days were filled with government-sanctioned sightseeing trips. But at night, we snuck out of our hotels and walked long distances in circuitous routes (in case we were followed) to gather in the home churches of the underground Christian Church. Our last night in the country was one that I will remember for the rest of my life.

People of all ages crammed into the tiny apartment to welcome us and share fellowship together. “Thank you for coming.” the pastor, a former drug addict, embraced us all with love and gratitude. “We pray often for contact from the West and we thank God that you are here.”

A young girl, about my age, came and put her arm around me. She spoke only Estonian and Russian, and I spoke neither. How would we communicate? We smiled, pointed up toward heaven and said lovingly “Jesus” and “Jesu” as we held each other’s hands. It was enough. We were sisters in Christ.

As the night wore on, our team leaders shared Bibles, Christian music tapes, and other literature with the church members. We searched for translators to help us pray together. My young friend found a woman who spoke Russian and French, and suddenly my high school French classes became precious to me.

“Je m’appelle Tara.” My name is Tara. The woman translated my words to Russian and my new friend’s eyes lit up and she excitedly responded. “Her name is Tatiana.” I learned that she was in school, like me, and that she had only recently become a Christian, also like me. We prayed together and laughed when we realized that in heaven, we wouldn’t need a translator anymore. One day, we will just sit and talk as we worship the Triune God for all eternity.

As the evening ended, the pastor asked me to come with him and his wife to their backroom. His low voice and steady eyes put me on the alert. What was going on? Why did they want to talk with me?

“Tara, do you understand that one Bible in the USSR can be shared among an entire church and most Christians do not have any Bible study or teaching materials at all?”

“Yes. I’ve heard that.”

“Well, in between the times that we have contact with Christians from the West, we work hard to prepare evangelistic tracts and teaching materials in our languages. We can type manuscripts and record sermon tapes here, but we have no copying or reproduction facilities. We wait until contact is made with Christians from the West, and then we ask them to carry the materials out of the country where they can be reproduced and smuggled back into Estonia. As you can imagine, carrying these materials through customs involves great risk, so we pray and fast for wisdom to know just the right person to carry the materials.”

Fascinating, I thought, but what does this have to do with me?

“Tara, we believe that you are the person to carry these contraband materials for us. Will you take them to our contact in Finland?”

I was in shock. Me? Carry illegal Christian materials from the underground church? What could I say? Numbly, I nodded, put the manuscripts and audiocassettes in my bag, and headed out the door.

At 3 a.m., having not slept in over twenty hours, I was sure that the Russian white night was illumining KGB spies out to get me on every corner of the narrow cobblestone streets. Back in the hotel, I called our team leader and explained what had happened.

“Don’t you think it would be better to split up the materials and give just a few things to each team member?” my voice was fast and unnaturally high-pitched. “Then if one of us got caught, maybe some of the material would get through?” It made perfect sense to me—how rational!

But as we prayed together, we knew what we had to do—I was to carry all of the materials. Alone.

Shaking, I wrapped each illegal item in the gray newspaper that covered my touristy souvenirs and stuffed them deep into my suitcase. “Surely they are not going to unwrap every item. Are they?”

Standing in the customs line the next morning, I kept telling myself, “There’s no way they’ll unwrap everything and find the materials. Just be cool. Relax. Everything will be OK.”

My team leader had asked our sound-guy, Mike, to walk with me. Mike was legally blind and we thought that the guards might take pity on the “disabled guy” and not hassle us. As he held onto my arm, Mike could tell that something was wrong as I began to tremble.

“Mike,” I whispered, “there is a girl just ahead of us in line. She’s about my age and she has a blue backback. Oh no! Mike! They are taking everything out of her backpack, her toiletries, her clothing, and every item in her bag. They’re looking in every pocket and unwrapping every single piece of gray newsprint from each and every souvenir. They are even unstacking her little babushka dolls!”

I wanted to run away. On the dock our new friends were smiling and waving—I wanted to turn to them and hand them my bag and say, “I can’t do this! I don’t want to go to jail!” But I didn’t move. It was as though I was riveted to the ground.

“Tara,” Mike gently said to me, “God is bigger than any Russian guard. Trust Him. He is Emmanuel—God with us. Do not fear.”

“Well,” I thought as we moved up to the guards, “I guess I can tell the people in the Gulag about Jesus. I hope that my family doesn’t worry too much about me. I assume that they’ll be able to get me out of prison one day soon.” Silently, I handed the guard Mike’s passport and my passport. He looked me straight in the eyes, and then looked down at our bags. And then something happened that is forever emblazoned in my heart and mind.

The guard waved his hand, “Go on through.” He did not open one bag. He did not even unzip a zipper and pretend to search the bags. He just waived us through.

“That’ll teach ‘em for messing with God’s army!” Mike whispered as we walked out the door and onto the ferry back to Finland—to freedom.

Once our team reconvened, I learned that each and every other member of my team had been strictly searched—pockets, purses, bags. They had to turn over addresses of friends that they were hoping to stay in touch with from Estonia; they were made to account for missing books (Bibles) and currency that they had when they entered the country.

I was the only person who was not searched. I made the connection with the contact in Finland, turned over the materials, and have never had any further contact with anyone in Finland or Estonia.

But every now and then, I wonder how those dear friends are, and what impact those materials might have had on the proclamation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I guess I will just have to wait until our family reunion one day in heaven—when no translators will be needed and we will simply revel in the glory of God and His grace poured out on us, His children. Especially that fateful day back in 1987 when a seventeen-year-old high school senior from Morris, Illinois became an unlikely smuggler for God’s army.

I started my day today with Joni Eareckson Tada’s Holiness in Hidden Places.

(Well, actually I started my day at 4AM by comforting Sophia after a slightly troubling dream. She couldn’t get back to sleep until 5:00, so we snuggled and chatted in her room. And then I couldn’t get back to sleep until 6:30. It’s now 9AM, she’s STILL sleeping, and I’m feeling VERY strange about starting my day now–kind of like that “what time IS IT” feeling you have when you travel overseas.)

ANYWAY–this hymn was included toward the end of her book and I enjoyed reflecting on the words and then looking online to hear the tune. I thought you might enjoy meditating on it too, so here you are:

Take Time to Be Holy
Words by William Longstaff
Music by George C. Stebbins

Take time to be holy, speak oft with thy Lord;
Abide in Him always, and feed on His Word.
Make friends of God’s children, help those who are weak,
Forgetting in nothing His blessing to seek.

Take time to be holy, the world rushes on;
Spend much time in secret, with Jesus alone.
By looking to Jesus, like Him thou shalt be;
Thy friends in thy conduct His likeness shall see.

Take time to be holy, let Him be thy Guide;
And run not before Him, whatever betide.
In joy or in sorrow, still follow the Lord,
And, looking to Jesus, still trust in His Word.

Take time to be holy, be calm in thy soul,
Each thought and each motive beneath His control.
Thus led by His Spirit to fountains of love,
Thou soon shalt be fitted for service above.

I’m about to hit the hay and try to get some sleep before our crammed-full-weekend of non-stop training begins.

But before I do, I just wanted to take a moment and reflect on how precious our family’s friendship is with Pastor Jason and Kristin Barrie (and their three wonderful children too!).

How WISE our church leaders were to recruit Pastor Jason to join our staff and so beautifully complement our senior pastor’s strengths and weaknesses. And how BLESSED our entire body is as a result of Pastor Jason’s ministry to us.

But tonight, in particular, I am reflecting on all of the times–over and over again–when he COULD have EASILY given up on me (and would’ve been justified in doing so!) ... but he didn’t.

Looking back on the start of our friendship / pastor-sheep relationship, I know (because he gently told me once) that “I was hard to love.” And I’m sure I was! But he persevered.

Over the years, he has counseled me at my highs and my lows–and my lows have been LOW. Spinning core of the earth LOW. Wretched sin. Flaked out unbelief that forgets God. Fear and anxiety and GRIEF that cut my chest open and then really went to work hurting me.

And then there was Pastor Jason. Being my shepherd AND my friend.

As my husband Fred says, “Pastor Jason is simply one of the most tangible graces of God in our entire lives.”

AND THEN? I get to travel with him all the way to the east coast and upgrade him too? (I love getting to upgrade him into First Class! Fun fun!) We get to get lost together (every time we travel out of state! and we even paid for the “Neverlost” thingy–fat lot of help it did!). We get to talk and laugh and, OH! How I pray that I can be even a tiny encouragement to him.

He is such a great man. I see his wife’s gifts and heart and intellect and insights bathing him all the time in everything he does.

I’m just so glad to be under his ecclesiastical authority AND to get to serve him as he takes the lead at this marriage retreat. I can’t wait to be under his teaching again–oh, and yes, to try to do my best too of course.

Yeah-rah for our pastors! Especially pastors who treat women as full disciples; celebrate their strengths; and help them to plug into the local body so that they can SERVE and LOVE.

I am a blessed woman. And a tired woman. So I’m going to sign off now.

Sending you love from New Jersey!

Yours,
Tara B.

Whew. Yesterday was a tough one–but today has the potential to be different.

Fred is taking some “get some rest because you have a bad cold” / family time and Sophie and I are happy to just get to be with him (and nurse him a bit with Puffs Plus and lots of orange juice).

We might get to take a family walk. (It’s time to mail off Scout’s birthday present!)

We may try to tackle heart-shaped sugar cookies. (But I REALLY wish I had a GOOD RECIPE for cut-out sugar cookies. You know, the kind that are not too thick and not too thin; all shortbread/sugar/butter DELICIOUS? Icing that is SCRUMPTIOUS? If you have that recipe, PLEASE OH PRETTY PLEASE share it with me!!)

Mostly, I am praying that I will be gentle today. I don’t know if I just need a good cry and a day with the covers over my head; or need to just suck it up and do my duty; or some combination or compromise in between ... but I just haven’t been feeling very content, happy, gentle in spirit lately.

So I’m praying that I will, you know, trust God–His love, His care. And love others–more than myself. AND give myself a break because I, too, am a kleenex-filling-cough-machine AND a happily, hormonally, wacked-out momma of a 16 week in utero love muffin.

Deep breaths! Into the day I go ...

"All the way my Savior leads me;
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well."

Blessings,
Tara B.

Our Sunday started VERY early–around 4AM for me and Fred had to be at church by 7:30, so that was early for him.

Fred did a great job teaching our “(Actually!) Setting Your House in Order” Sunday school class (on stewardship, giving, living within a spending plan, debt, estate planning, insurance, etc.). And I did my best to provide color commentary and examples of what NOT to do re: money/debt/spending, etc.

(I did tell one story about a time 10+ years ago when Fred and I were newlyweds and “negative poor” grad students ... We took a little class in our church on budgeting/stewardship and the teacher encouraged us to complete a little “deed” to acknowledge how GOD is actually the owner of EVERYTHING in our lives. This was not really hard for me to do because, of course, we owned NOTHING. Really. No real furniture. We didn’t even have that many books. We were just a couple of grad students living in a tiny, run down apartment.

EXCEPT for one thing. ONE asset. The one thing of greater worth than $100 that we actually owned–MY PIANO.

I’ve had my piano since 1978 when I started playing as a third grader. My parents separated and came back together and separated and came back together and finally divorced–I was tossed back and forth over the years and ended up living with a merciful family from my church as a teenager ... and wherever I went, like a 500 pound teddy bear, that piano went with me. I comforted myself at it. I escaped with it. I accompanied every choir, swing choir, jazz band, musical, community musical, and solo and ensemble competition you can think of in high school and then won a $20,000 music scholarship to help pay for college on that piano.

I LOVED MY PIANO. Plus, it was really a part of our brand-new marriage too because we would pretty much DAILY sit at it and sing songs and worship and just have fun at it.

And then there was that silly little, hokey, lame “DEED IT ALL TO GOD” exercise. I thought, “Sure. Whatever. I’ll deed my piano to God. No problem.” Because I never really thought it would cost me anything.

AND THEN, the very next week, I find out that Fred’s Grandmother (who was in her late 80’s at the time and who had played the piano for her ENTIRE LIFE) no longer had access to a piano in her assisted living home. I couldn’t believe it! She was going blind from macular degeneration. She was very old. Piano was such an important part of her life! I wanted her to have a piano–AND I HAD A PIANO TO GIVE.

So I did. We borrowed out friend’s SUV and loaded up my one asset and gave it away.

Initially I felt pretty good about it. I loved GG ("Great Grandma") and I wanted to bless her. It made me happy to bless her. UNTIL I STARTED TO REALLY MISS MY PIANO.

Honestly? I had to wrestle through it all and really submit to God about it and ask for His grace to STOP being a selfish girl. And He did help me.

It was YEARS before GG was done with the piano and it came safely back to us. And I’m very glad to have it–I love to accompany Sophia’s little fiddle songs and Minuets. BUT. I would do it all again–the hokey little “deed” exercise, giving it away, missing it ... in a SECOND.

Because it really IS all the Lord’s. And I don’t want to hold onto ANYTHING (or anyone!) with an iron-fisted, selfish, idolatrous grip. Even my piano.)

WHEW! That was supposed to be a tiny parenthetical and NOT my blog for today ... I’d better wrap things up.

Let me just leave you with a few highlights from our Sunday:

- Pastor Alfred preached from Genesis 11 and 12 and reminded us that God calls the weak and wicked because He is reversing the curse! He calls new things out of nothing because He has come to bless and not destroy; to heal and not wound. What a sweet reminder!

- Our family reading of Prince Caspian" is getting WAY more interesting. (I thought the beginning was a little slow.) But now?! With the battle and the kids being tied into the story? And HOORAY! The courage of teeny tiny Reepicheep? (I’m so glad to finally even begin to understand the Reepicheep cultural reference that I’ve read about in other sources for years.) I’m lovin' it and so is Sophia. She gets so excited as various things happen in the story that she just has to LEAP off of our laps and go to the center of the room and REENACT what just happened and make sure we understood it in her own little words. Fred and I just grin and EAT IT UP. She will never be five years old again–and we are drinking in every single drop of time that we get with her.

- I was exhausted (see above–"awake since 4AM") and went to take a nap. But Fred and Soph were having so much fun building a Marble Run Elevator and I was so stressed over the PILE of bills and receipts (and related paperwork that needed filling out) related to Sophie’s medical situation, that I decided to go downstairs and, at the same table as their FUN, tackle the beast and FIGURE OUT ALL OF THE FORMS. I thought that being together as a family might help me to have courage and persevere–AND IT DID. Not only did I find the information I needed in order to get it all filled out, it really wasn’t that hard.

As usual, my FEAR of the task was WAY out of proportion to the ACTUAL TASK.

What a blessing to have that done and NOT have to face it rolling over onto my “OVERDUE!” tasklist tomorrow morning. Hooray!

I hope your week gets off to a great start Monday morning–

Yours,
Tara B.

I had to chuckle this afternoon as I sat stuffing church bulletins with a group of women and one of them said something to the effect of:

"Well, Tara, you’d probably describe your family as perfect or something ... but that’s not how it is for me."

Obviously, this dear saint does not know anything about my family of ORIGIN or my current state as, ummmm, let’s just say charitably, NOT a very good homemaker.

Isn’t that often the case, though?

How easy it is for us ALL to look at someone and make huge presumptions–about how “easy” their life is; how they could NEVER relate to us in our current struggle with (fill-in-the-blank ... credit card debt, marital strife, unruly children, drugs/alcohol/gluttony, mental illness, s*xual temptation, etc.); how “together” they are compared to our constant messiness.

But you know what? We’re ALL a mess. Every single one of us.
So it’s a good thing that our relationship with God is not based on US, but on HIM.

And that’s the only way that our human relationships can be vulnerable and authentic and grace-filled too. We have to be crushed by our messiness/sin/fallenness and then lifted up again–NOT by our works, but by His grace alone. Then we can give that grace to others.

It’s like I told Sophie that this morning as she was struggling with a selfish heart and then beating herself up over how “bad” (her word) she is.

She said, “Mom! I was bad yesterday and I’m going to be bad tomorrow and I’m just SO bad all the time!”

I said, “Welcome to the human race, kiddo. Mommy and Daddy and Pastor Jason and EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING EVER struggles with that same ”badness." You’re worse than you know and God’s love for you is greater than you can imagine. He has forgiven you and He DOES forgive you and He WILL forgive you. God never tires of forgiving His children. Run to Him. Trust Him."

And so we prayed. But she still felt a little sad, so I told her that sometimes when I’m feeling sad, it helps to play the piano and make music. She grabbed her violin and by the end of her most recent fiddle song, she was laughing and smiling again.

One day at a time, eh?
One temptation, one sin. One confession. One believing that what God says is true–and when we confess our sins He IS faithful and just to forgive us. Cleanse us. Give us a new start.

Thank God for grace!

I hope your weekend is a restful and blessed one–

Yours,
Tara B.

Every once in awhile, I see a teeny bit of tangible evidence that, by God’s grace alone, He is sanctifying me and helping me to grow.

Like this afternoon ...

I received an “explanation of benefits” from our insurance company with an ASTRONOMICALLY HUGE amount due (from our time at The Children’s Hospital last month) and the entire bill marked, “NOT COVERED. 100% YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.”

Can you say adrenaline?
Can you say panic?

Especially because it completely hit my, “Do Everything JUST SO and It STILL Isn’t Good Enough” button (!!). Because, of course, before I made the appointments, I cleared EVERYTHING with our insurance company. “Yes, it’s all covered.” "Yes, these doctors are IN-NETWORK." “Yes, no problem.”

And every single step of the process down in Denver, I called the insurance company to ENSURE that the procedures were covered/approved. “No problem.” "No problem." “No problem.”

Until the bill comes today ... PROBLEM (!!).

So I called the insurance company–but at the same time, I DID take the time to pray. (What a grace! Again, ONLY the Lord because left to my own devices, I would’ve just flipped into VERY UPSET TARA MODE.)

And as I sat on hold, I REALLY asked God to help me to be gracious and respectful and NOT panicked and rude.

As I sat LONGER on hold, I even picked up my “Calvin’s Institutes”, which I am working through on schedule for the year (and enjoying thoroughly), and I thought might help me to maintain perspective. (God is still God. He has always provided for us. Don’t panic, Tara. Don’t be a jerk. Etc. etc. etc.)

And when I finally got through to a human and explained my question, I have to say that my voice was probably a little TIGHT from the adrenaline and fear. But (hooray GOD!), I wasn’t rude.

And after she explained that this was denied because it was a DUPLICATE bill (!!), I could honestly just THANK HER and end the call. I didn’t even have to apologize!

Yeah rah hooray! Grace in daily life. This is growth.

(Not sounding very “peacemaking women”-ly, am I, to even struggle with all this? But I’ve always said that I’m just Exhibit A of how NOT to be. Anything redemptive or God-honoring? It’s only by God’s grace.)

Hope your Thursday is going well! I’m DEEP into chaos around here–nothing like a few days at home to bring out my urge to toss, shred, file, give away, reorganize, etc. I’d post a photo, but I don’t know if I can on this old computer. If I can figure it out, I’ll let you glimpse my chaos.

(Lots of times, things have to get a lot WORSE before they get better, eh?)

Blessings and love,
Tara B.

This is our first “normal” Monday in a LONG time.

(Our Florida/Disney adventure seemed to roll right into a heavy event-travel season; the next thing we knew it was Thanksgiving and we were off for Chicago/Mexico; back in time for Christmas and then we spent our ten days at the Children’s Hospital. Needless to say, we have not been very consistent in, well, ANY area of life.)

But today has already been a blessed day (and it’s only 10AM!):

- I felt well enough to walk Lilikoi and it was great. She’s such a sweet pup.

- Sophie and Fred did their Bible reading together and Sophie wrote a nice journal page about Creation.

- I finally got caught up with my daily reading of Calvin’s Institutes. (I’m curious if anyone else is reading them too?) I’m really enjoying them, but I’ve been a little disappointed with the Ref21 Blogging the Institutes. Maybe I’m missing something (wouldn’t put it past me!), but it doesn’t feel very much like a blog because there are no comments or discussion. If you’re reading through the Institutes this year, have you found a better online community? I’d love your counsel because I really am enjoying reading through the Institutes slowly.

- Lunches made. Violin practiced. A little math play (Tangrams!) and now it’s time to get ready for gymnastics.

- But my favorite line of the morning was when Sophie was plucking out melodies on the piano and suddenly ran into her schoolroom to grab her harmonica, play it a little, and then zip it into its case (attached to its book, also on the piano). “Ahhhhhh. Just the way I like it.”

Everything in its place and a place for everything. I have no idea where she gets that, eh?

What a grace to have even a couple of hours of rest and work and diligence and order. I pray that my heart doesn’t love it too much, though, so that I remain open to whatever “schedule busters” (i.e., real-life, ministry) God may bring my way today.

Happy Monday to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

Blogs are strange things.

“Tara’s journaling publicly now!” a friend told her husband once. She’s pretty close in her description, but not quite 100%.

(Yes, yes, there are some things that really are just between God and me.)

But then there are blog archives.

OH MY STARS. Have you ever gone back and read your blog archives? I just randomly grabbed a month from my first year of blogging (well before I started averaging 1,300+ readers a week) and found the strangest conglomeration of gospel theology and silliness:

November 2005

Like I said, blogs are strange things.

But isn’t 2 year-old Sophie a cutie-pie?

And wasn’t our first Golden, Choza, just the loveliest pup ever?

I’ve been up since 3:30AM–a hacking coughing fit moved me out of our room (I didn’t want to disturb Fred) and into our guest room. How great that I had JUST unearthed our guest room yesterday (it had about a YEAR’S worth of STUFF jammed into it in one of those, “I’ll deal with it later” sort of ways). If I hadn’t tackled the beast yesterday, I (seriously) would not have even been able to open the door. So that’s a grace.

Hope your Friday is going well!

Yours,
Tara B.

Just wanted to report in after my (apparently concerning to many of you!) blog from the morning and let you know that I’m doing FINE. Yes, yes, lots of challenges ... but lots of blessings too.

One of my biggest blessings of the day is this ... I ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING!

It’s true! It’s true! Idle hands are the devil’s playground; too much introspection usually means I’m not working hard enough; etc. etc. So guess what? I worked hard! All day long! And in between just being with Fred and Sophie, I (finally!) published my 2007 scrapbook. It’s done! Uploaded for printing, en route to our home with Sophie’s free copy so she can play with it, DONE.

I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. It’s been hanging over me for an entire YEAR. But now it’s done.

Now I just need to turn my attention to our 2008 scrapbook so that I can finally be caught up again. I really hate getting behind on our yearly photo albums.

Oh–and just in case you’re curious ... I use Picaboo and I love it. I will NEVER go back to double-stick tape and scissors. I’m just not crafty and I just don’t care enough. I love having a gorgeous, permanent book of our year ... but I’m never going to spend two weeks designing and then implementing one page. One day. One year. DONE. That’s the kind of non-scrapbooker scrapbooker I am.

Hope you all had a blessed day too! Thanks for the personal emails–I appreciate you and I appreciate your prayers. We’re doing OK here.

Sending you lots of love!

Your friend,
Tara B.

It’s that time of year again and I’m trying hard to activate long-dormant-able-to-play-the-piano-brain-cells in order to accompany our church’s Christmas choir.

I LOVE getting to (try to!) accompany the choir.

The director (Trudy) is great.
The choir is great.
And tonight we were joined by a wonderful bassoonist, one of my all-time favorite people EVER, Karen Jean Vowell.

Karen, you may recall, is Momma extraordinaire to Kerry Lou, Kelly, Karla, Clark, Corey, and Kayla. And I’ve made her a little “famous” for her grace re: a certain cream of tartar biscuit recipe and the fact that, even at age 30, yeast still scared the living life out of me. (It’s ALIVE people! For REAL!)

She is also a wonderful musician and tonight we had the joy of collaborating on a sweet Christmas song entitled, Gloria Hodie. The melody would be familiar to you, I’m sure, as it is taken directly from the gorgeous Second Movement of the Dvorak New World Symphony.

Oh oh oh! Even with my (oft' inaccurate) accompaniment, it was just such an honor and joy to be a part of creating such beautiful music. And to have a double reed present with us? Hooray! My heart simply soared.

If you ever have the opportunity to hear this symphony performed by a major orchestra, I urge you to do so. (I had the joy of hearing Solti conduct the Chicago Symphony Orchestra in its recording from the late 80’s, early 90’s.)

Or even just click through to the YouTube video.

A little slice of Heaven. A faint aroma. A glimpse of that which is lovely and pure and admirable and excellent and praiseworthy.

I thanked God for ears to hear and fingers to play.
For a church in which to worship.
For saving me as a teenager and keeping me in Him all these many years–not even my sin can thwart His purposes.

I thanked God for Who He is and all that He lavishes on His children in Christ.

Merry, Blessed Christmas to you!

With love,
Tara B.

I didn’t know this about Rich Mullins. Did you?

He was said to be flaky, and maybe that’s because he simply wasn’t tied down. In his entire career he never knew the extent of his earnings. His quarterly checks from record labels were sent to the board of elders at his small home church. He asked them to pay him the median salary of a typical US worker, about $24,600 annually. The rest was given away to missions and charitable organizations or put into his retirement. Rich said, “If I knew how much I made it might make giving the rest away all that much harder.”

If you love his music (like I do!), I encourage you to read the entire article:

The Best Friend I Never Met

And if you’re such a youngin' that you don’t yet know his music–he died very young–I encourage you to get to know him. I love all of his albums, but A Liturgy, A Legacy & A Ragamuffin Band is a favorite.

Thanks, PalmTreePundit, for directing us to this heart-breaking article about a naturalized American from Korea who recently lost his entire family after a marine jet crashed into his family’s home:

This is What Patriotism Looks Like

He refuses to blame the pilot or the military. In fact, just the opposite. When asked about the pilot (who ejected and survived), Mr. Yoon replied:

"Please pray for him not to suffer from this accident ... He is one of our treasures for the country. I don’t blame him. I don’t have any hard feelings. I know he did everything he could."

Such grace. Such forgiveness. Such love of country.

Please do pray for Mr.Dong Yun Yoon.

Late last night I emailed a friend to ask him a favor on behalf of our family.

It’s always a little hard, isn’t it, to make yourself vulnerable and share of a need you have? I mean, we would have totally understood if this man had said, “Sorry. Can’t help you.” No problem. But it would’ve had a teeny-tiny element of, "Oh WHY did we ask?!?-ness" to it, if you know what I mean.

But by this morning, he had already written back with not only an, “Of course I’d love to help!” but also an insistence on (tremendously!) blessing us even MORE as a “condition” of helping.

Such a friend. I just don’t deserve such a friend.

Totally reminds me of the time as a grad student when I started to get convicted about my (POOR!) financial management – I didn’t live on a budget, I had allowed myself to go into tremendous credit card debt for unnecessary luxuries and pleasures, etc. etc.

I reached out to Crown Financial Ministries for help. (And did, I should admit, hang up in tears the first time I called when they said I had to pay $50 or $100 or whatever it was to get their materials. I thought, “Are you kidding me? I’m going under here! I need help to spend LESS money, not MORE!” But of course now I think, “What else could a ministry do?” And I see the wisdom of how learning to live on a budget and get out of debt REQUIRES you to make decisions about what REALLY matters–and investing a little bit to get good materials to help is SO wise.)

One of the pieces of counsel that I acted on was to ask a friend if he might loan me money at a lower interest rate than I was paying on my credit cards–so that I could pay OFF my credit cards entirely and make payments to him at the lower rate.

Again–how embarrassing to have to confess to a friend my poor stewardship and foolish, foolish mistakes. But I did. And he prayed about it and studied what the Bible said about loaning and giving, etc. and came back to me and said something along the lines of:

"I’ll give you this money, Tara, but only with a few conditions. One, it’s a gift, not a loan. You never have to pay it back. Ever. If you do, that’s fine, but I’m giving it to you with no expectation of repayment and certainly no expectation of you paying any kind of interest.

Secondly, I will only give you this money if it draws our friendship closer – because my friendship with you and Fred is what is important to me."

And that’s exactly what happened. He gave me the money. I paid off my credit cards and then began to live on a (careful) budget. Fred and I got married, finished graduate school, and steadily worked to pay off our $73,000 in student loans. (All but $1,500 being MINE, not Fred’s)

Two years after finishing my J.D. and M.B.A., we paid off all of our interest-bearing loans and called back my friend to let him know that we would really like to pay him back that $5,000 if he would please accept it. He said that he would accept half, but he asked us to give the rest to a Christian ministry. The ministry we chose was Peacemaker Ministries and the very next month we got a call from out of the blue inviting us to move to Billings, Montana and join the staff.

Even living in someone’s basement for a year, we could never have accepted, left our careers in Chicago, and moved to Montana to work for a non-profit organization if we had still been in debt. Our new salary (yes, singular) wouldn’t have even covered our monthly debt payments!

But by God’s grace, and because of the generosity of such a friend, we were out of debt and free to serve.

Grace, grace, grace!

I don’t know what your financial situation is like–but if you are in debt, stressed about finances, a little guilt-ridden over the wills that you know you should have but you don’t yet have–Fred and I just found out yesterday that we’ll be embarking on a little adventure at our church this coming spring. We’ll be teaching a class on "(Actually!) Setting Your House in Order" to help our church members to actually get on a budget, work on paying off debt, live more simply so you can give more generously, evaluate life insurance amounts, actually execute estate planning documents, etc.

I know it will be a blessing to our family to study and work on these topics again! (Sometimes our “budget” is really more like a “really REALLY careful accounting of our overspending.” Blush blush.)

And maybe I can be an encouragement to you all on this blog too? There sure are a lot of marriage and family conflicts related to MONEY – so this is a topic in the “living the gospel” and “peacemaking” areas, right?

We’re off to ride on a submarine and spend the day at Corona Beach now. (BTW–I’m trusting that you all know that we can only do such amazing trips like this because of the astounding generosity of my sister and her Fred, and the fact that they really LIKE to spend time with Sophia, so they take us on these trips and literally pay for EVERYTHING. Yet another thing that can be hard to receive in some ways–but it’s a grace to learn to receive too, right?)

Thank God for generosity! I pray that I will grow in grace and live as a generous and giving person.

Much love,
Tara B.

I had a horrible morning. It was absolutely heart breaking. I broke down on the phone with my friend and wept; and then I broke down on the phone with Pastor Jason and wept some more.

I won’t go into all of the details of either call–but Pastor Jason ended the call by praying for me and exhorting me to NOT “suck it up” but instead, cast all of my cares on the Lord.

But don’t you sometimes find that it’s a pretty fine line between “sucking it up” and “casting your cares on the Lord”? I mean–REALLY. Am I trusting in God? Or am I just steeling myself to SURVIVE another onslaught?

(Oh–and please bear with me as I continue to use the indelicate phrase of “sucking it up”–but it surely sums up my day and I think it’s not profane, just offcolor/crude, so I’m staying with it until someone tells me otherwise.)

ANYWAY ... there were also great moments of grace amidst a horrible morning. One of them was when I asked Sophie to please tell me three things about God that are TRUE and she replied:

"God is good.
God is powerful.
And God is mercy."

Honestly? None of the facts of my situation changed one whit–but as you might imagine, my day has been a bit more bearable. And I’m truly praying that I am actually running to God and trusting that He covers me and hides me in the cleft of His “good, powerful mercy.”

Hope your Monday is going well—

Yours,
Tara B.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know that cooking does not come easily to me. (We’ve eaten a lot of bowls of cereal for dinners over the years.)

But God is graciously growing me up and by the time I reach 40, I think that I may even have a few “easy” meals in my cooking repertoire. (Hooray!)

One of them is A Year of CrockPotting’s Brown Sugar Chicken–easily one of the easiest recipes I’ve ever made in my life (especially when you use a crockpot cooking BAG so there is literally NO clean up).

Add in Costco’s organic brown rice medley and yum yum! I feel so domestic AND I get to serve my family (and a guest too!). What a grace.

Please check it out and let me know if you ever make it. I – even I, Tara of “I never have recipe components in my shelves because I don’t cook a lot” Tara-ness – had all of the ingredients without having to shop.

Yum yum! No cereal for dinner tonight – for the first time since we’ve been home this week! (Oh, oh ... poor Fred. Glad he’s such a gracious, grateful hubby.)

Happy Thursday!

Love,
Tara B.

Many people asked where Sophia was during our time at the CCEF Conference. Well ... she was incredibly blessed to spend the five days with our dearest friends, the Lyndes.

It’s really “roughing it” to be at the Lynde home in beautiful Montana ...



No fun at all, right?



I drove over the mountains on Monday morning to pick her up–and I am chagrined to admit that initially, I had planned to scoop her up and book it back to Billings for gymnastics, violin, and co-op. Gotta scratch that stuff off of my to-do list, eh?

But Fred wisely counseled me last week to CANCEL all of our to-do’s and just spend TIME with our friends when I went to pick up Sophie. (Not just grab the kid and run? What a good idea!) In retrospect, I can’t believe that I thought of doing anything else.

I just LOVE spending time with these friends. Time flies. Laughter abounds. The conversations and the silences are both comfortable. I always learn something new. My gratitude to God for Who He is grows. It’s just so fun!

Time with the Lyndes is truly a snapshot of the C.S. Lewis quote:

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.”

After staying up way to late talking Monday night, we all walked Eleanor Scout the two blocks to school Tuesday morning ...



Such sweet fellowship reminded me of just how hard it was when they moved away from Billings–but also, how grateful I am that we have remained friends. I am keenly aware of the truth of that old saying that some friends we have “for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Rare is the lifetime friendship that stays close at the conclusion of a shared project, season of life, or after a geographic move.

I’m so grateful for these dear friends who share my burdens and “redouble my joy” (to quote Bonhoeffer).

Blessed Wednesday to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

My daughter is four years old and I am almost forty–but in so many ways, we face similar situations and temptations in life. Especially regarding personality and temperament:

1. We are home bodies. We like to be at home with Fred and our Golden Retriever and each other. It takes effort to go out and engage. We are “introverts” by nature–we don’t get energy from interacting with people; we get energy from being alone or with one or two good friends (including Goldens). But people don’t think this about us because we are both choleric in temperament–we are quite comfortable “out there” in front of a group, leading away. (But of course if you think about it, talking to one person isn’t that different from talking to 1,000, right? It is the interaction with 5 or 6 that is hardest for introverts.)

2. In a group of people, we are most comfortable around the friends we know and love the most. It is easy to become “cliquish” and huddle up with our “best friends”. Why go through the inconvenience of small-talking with strangers? Why move out of “your” space in the pew and engage with the person who is talking to no one? (More or less the “high maintenance” person or the person you “just don’t get”.) Isn’t it more fun to hug your buddies and laugh comfortably with people you know you enjoy and trust? Who doesn’t like to be with people who love them?

3. Both Sophia and I are given to passionate swings of emotion. Up and down; up and down; we engage at the heights of joy and we crash to the depths of sadness–especially sadness that isn’t really tied to anything. ("Mom? I’m sad, but I don’t know why.") That’s us. We are the anti-Fred in this regard. (Steady Freddy = the perfect representation of a phlegmatic personality. You could easily and comfortably float on the arcs of his emotional oscillations; they are like gentle waves; never very high and never very low.)

I think it was that last category that sparked our recent series of conversations about temperament.

I wanted Sophie to know that it was normal ("OK") to sometimes feel sad “for no reason.” I explained that, while everyone feels sad when sad thing happen (that makes sense to her of course), some people have very passionate personalities that can sometimes feel sad “for no reason.” I normalized it for her. I told her that I understand! I told her that God created her this way and that HE understands. That, while it may not always be easy to go “up & down” in how she feels, God will give her the grace. And we will help her too. That having such a personality is not only “hard,” it also has incredible blessings too–like being able to create such beautiful music on the violin and piano, writing poetry, creating art. (Oh! And then we sat and listed out some of her favorite people who have “strong” personalities–Auntie Kali, Uncle TJ, me; and “gentle/steady” personalities–Daddy, Auntie Samara, Auntie Kerry.)

Of course, the second category described above is one that is ever before us–at church, the playground, in gymnastics class ... just life. We are constantly faced with opportunities fixate on our own comfort and surround ourselves with only our friends. After all, didn’t Jesus say that even the pagans and tax collectors love those who love them? Yes, He did. But He was not holding that tendency up as an ideal! It was in the context of His call on our lives to love even our enemies. One of the things that Sophie and I talk about and pray about before these social situations happen is how we are called to love in a way that is markedly different from the world. Motivated by the gospel–by how God in Christ loves us–we are to live out two goals: love God and love neighbor. Nowhere in His list of greatest commandments did Jesus ever say, “Think first of yourself and your own comfort and do what most easily makes you happy.”

Which leads us to the first category ... our personalities/temperaments. Oh, how often people use personality as an excuse to sin! "That’s just the way that I am!" I often paraphrase Patsy Clairmont who says, "Didn’t Jesus come to save you from that, ‘Just the way that I am!’"? He did! He did! Our lack of love and commitment to relationships is not excused away because we are quiet. Or loud. We don’t get to stay home from church events because we are “introverts.” And we don’t get to dominate every Bible study group because we are “extroverts.” Sure, we can (and should!) understand our temperaments. It is good to know our innate strengths and weaknesses–that’s wisdom! But we don’t use personality as an excuse. Faith is doing what often seems unnatural. Love may call us to speak up! And love may call us to be quiet. But either way, love calls you to die to self (and live to Christ).

So ... does that mean we never have ANY friends we simply ENJOY? Absolutely not!

I’ll post more on that topic tomorrow.

Hope you enjoyed a lovely Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Yesterday, as I waited to be picked up at the Orange County airport, I observed a number of situations (and intervened in a few) that got me thinking about just how often even the tiniest bit of encouragement to do the right thing can go SO far.

Just one example: I’m sitting on a bench, looking for my ride. An elderly woman pulls up, opens her trunk, and begins to help another elderly woman with some apparently very heavy bags.

(Yeah. Like I’m going to be able to sit there and WATCH that. My mother raised me better and my grandmother would roll over in her grave if I did.)

So, of course, I jump up and begin to help them with the–yes, incredibly heavy–bags. As I do so, a gentleman next to us pauses his conversation, sets down his cell phone, and begins to help too.

It took less than one minute, but really helped the women. It was absolutely no biggie. But it was a tiny ripple of grace in a day filled with lots of hustling and bustling around.

I love stuff like that. Children and adults who hold doors open for one another, offer seats, help with bags. Man. I’m such a softie! A total “cry at the long distance carrier commercial/I’m sure that’s why I love TWW” romantic.

Anyway–I pray that I will set aside self today; see the people around me, encourage, and serve. For God’s glory! By His grace.

Hope your Friday is a great one!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
If you read that line up above about my mom “raising me better than that” and thought, “Hey! I thought Tara’s mom had all of those struggles.” Know that, yup, she did. But she also had MANY moments of great wisdom and common grace too ... She raised Kali and I to love reading and education. She introduced us to fine art and music. She taught us never to judge another person by the color of their skin or some preconceived “label.” My mother was, and is, a very generous woman who is quick to help when someone is in need. She is a gifted artist and poet. She had (and has) a lot of struggles–just like us all. But she had (and has) a lot of beauty too. I am who I am in many ways because of her–and God is sovereign over all of the details of my life. And He is always good.

(Warning to those of you who are currently feeling squeamish: You might want to just SKIP this post.)

SO ... we’re exactly ONE WEEK away from the Bippity Boppity Boutique & Princess luncheon, etc., and as we’re progressing through morning lessons, Sophie’s eyes just look DULL. You know what I mean re: kids & sickness? You can tell something isn’t quite right ... but nothing eventful has happened. Yet.

We crank out Bible & catechism. History is fun because we get to say cool words like Hammurabi and Hyksos. Reading out loud? No prob. Even writing and phonics are fine and we throw in a little Katie Meets the Impressionists, so I’m feeling like, “Hooray! It’s a good school day for us.”

Until we start violin. Well, actually things were OK as we began ... bow circles, note-reading, rhythm studies (super fun new eighth rest introduced!), and book one songs (including our own little made-up “JAZZ” version of two of them) went fine. But then it was time to practice our little “G Major Scale” exercise and AH-CHOOOOOO!!! Not to be too graphic, but something flew out of my daughter and ONTO and INTO her violin that would have been completely comfortable in the special effects boxes of the baby dinosaurs being born from the eggs at Jurrasic Park. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeschk!

And poor, sweet, sick little Sophie bear.
Sleeping that heavy, hot afternoon sleep of a sick kid.

I find it strange that we are fighting so much illness! That kid eats a LOT of fruits and vegetables and drinks ton of water, etc. etc. But then again, lots and LOTS of coughing, boogery children have been, well, EVERYWHERE we’ve gone. So I guess we’re just rolling through another wave of it.

I really hope it goes away by next week. She would never be able to enjoy her big special princess day if she feels like THIS.

So much for trying to get my speaker notes ready today! Hah. Guess that’ll happen some time in the next week or so.

Happy Thursday!

Love,
Tara B.

I’m SOOOOOO happy!

I woke up at my normal time (a little before 6AM) and felt pretty GOOD. Comparatively? VERY good.

I walked Lilikoi. Came back and puzzled a bit with Soph and did my exercises. And now we’re having a productive day – Fred & Soph are off running errands and I’m home working simultaneously on laundry and a writing project.

This is SO MUCH MORE FUN than being sick! I am grateful.

I also wanted to come up with something interesting to blog, but I’m still a bit of a blank. The best I can come up with has to do with missions (since my writing project is on missions) ...

- Did you know that it takes over $50,000USD per year to support a Western missionary on the field, but Gospel for Asia supports a native missionary evangelist for only $1,080 to $1,800 per year?

- Every day, Sophie and I thank God for our easy access to clean, fresh water. Did you know that 26 nations already suffer from a severe water deficit and by 2025, it is estimated that 3 billion people will have problems accessing fresh water?

- In the least-evangelized part of God’s world, 86% of the world’s people groups live (of which less than 2% are Christians). Oh, and over 80% of the world’s poorest people live there too.

SO ... I am praying for a grateful heart today because I obviously have much for which to be grateful.

Happy, blessed Saturday to you and yours!

Love,
Tara B.

If you’ve heard my testimony, you know that I was saved by God after having heard the gospel through some friends in public high school when I was a freshman.

As I reflect on God’s grace to me throughout my entire life–especially in the years when I did not even know Him, but He knew me!–I’ve often thought about how many Christians I probably stumbled across without even knowing it. A great aunt or second-cousin-one-removed. A Girl Scout leader here. A band teacher there. How many of the parents of my little friends saw what a messed up kid I was and prayed for me? How many of my friends prayed for me and I didn’t even know it? More than just a few, I am sure.

Well ... yesterday, through the strange wonderfulness of Facebook, I learned about one friend from–I’m not exaggerating!–thirty years ago (1978–third grade!) who, although I never knew it at the time, came from a Christian family. I won’t go into all of the details, but even as just a little eight-year old, he had an impact on my life and I have remembered him for three decades now. How strange to connect in 2008, eh? Strange and good too.

God is so gracious to adopt us into His family!

Hope you enjoy a lovely Friday–

Blessings,
Tara B.

An email/blog/becoming “real life” friend signed off a recent email with this line:

"Remember that God delights in you, is the one who fights your battles, and to speak kindly to yourself in the midst of this difficult time ..."

Good advice, eh? To speak kindly to myself. 'Twould be a grace.

(Thanks, Amy.)

Yours,
Tara B.

HT to Randy Alcorn for this great video:



And to our dear friend, Melodie, for reminding us of the WONDER of Team Hoyt during her leadership of the Peacemaker devotions this morning!



Oh oh oh! Thank You God, for these glimpses of grace.

We’re off to bed now–
Hope you are too! (Unless you are one of my Australia / New Zealand gals–then, “Good Morning to you!”

Yours,
Tara B.

Oh, how SWEET grace is!

For me? Today? It came pouring over me when I tried to tackle my cooking fears. Again.

The recipe was something that my sweet friend typed up for me as only a real friend would do because it was just so SIMPLE. Chicken that had been marinated. A pasta salad with vegis and an Italian dressing. A cole-slaw salad. The kind of thing that you REAL cooks just “TOSS TOGETHER.”

We had eaten it last weekend at these friends' home and it was SO delicious that I asked my friend if a) she thought I might be able to do it (she knows that cooking gives me anxiety attacks!); and b) if so, if she might please give me the recipes.

She happily typed up the recipes (with special “Tara-necessary” instructions) and gradually, over the last few days, I’ve been trying them all:

1. Thanks to her instructions, I discovered that the grocery store has REALLY COOL little marinade packages that you can mix up with just oil and vinegar and water and make delicious meat dishes ("Baja Lime"–YUM!). I never saw them in the grocery store until my friend told me about them.

2. I can make bow-tie pasta! AND chop up vegis, put them on top of the steaming pasta (to “lightly steam” them) AND add super-cool (feels like we’re eating in a restaurant!) Feta cheese and fresh Italian dressing. It didn’t even hurt!

3. Costco sells a DELICIOUS ginger-soy dressing that, again, I never even knew existed.

4. I can make that crunchy cabbage roasted almond salad thingy that I love at church potlucks! Hooray!

But then it came time to marinate the meat. My friend’s note said that she uses the Ginger Soy from Costco and one of those “Baja Lime” packets.

There I sat. I had the packet. I had the ginger-soy. My chicken was thawed and I was psychologically prepared to touch raw chicken (BLECH! NOT MY FAVORITE PART OF COOKING!). But I just had NO IDEA how MUCH of each I should combine for the marinade. I looked at the packet. I looked at the ginger soy. I looked at the chicken. I looked BACK at what my friend wrote and I knew I would have to do the thing that I really didn’t want to have to do ... CALL MY FRIEND AND ASK FOR HELP.

So I did.

The grace was that she was 100% encouraging, cheering me on, proud of me for trying, CONFIDENT it was going to taste great, “You can do it, Tara! You can do it! Rah rah rah!” And here is the clarification you need to know:

There are TWO chickens. ONE has the ginger soy dressing and the OTHER has the Baja Lime.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh! That makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE!!!!!!! So it was OK that I called rather than listening to that teeny little trying to condemn me voice inside saying, “I can’t believe you can’t just put a little of each in until it FEELS right! That’s what a REAL COOK would do!” By calling, I learned that they are SEPARATE marinades and I should NOT combine them. Ah. Makes perfect sense now.



And you know the nicest, most gracious part of this call is that my friend didn’t make me feel a burden. She didn’t mock my stupidity or question “what kind of a stay at home wife and mother ARE YOU?!?” Nope. Instead she said, “Oh, Tara! Call me ANYTIME. It is my PLEASURE to help you because the truth is, if women in the church hadn’t taught ME these things over the years, I would not know how to do them either. So please call ANY time. We love you!”

Now that’s grace. And I’m grateful.

Hope your day had moments of sweet encouragement too!

Trying to get back to sleep (pulling a little 4AM-6AM shift here b/c of knee pain waking me up)–

Yours,
Tara B.

What a week! Has yours been as full as mine? I feel like I haven’t had two consecutive minutes to just SIT and BE – but I’m sure that’s an exaggeration. My exhaustion level is undoubtedly compounded by a (hmmmm–how to phrase this delicately?) more challenging than usual certain time of the month. Blergh.

On my walk with Lili this morning, I was really praying for DILIGENCE today, this weekend ... really for the next ten days or so. I feel like if I could just make it over this hump of:

- Getting our school year started

- Reviewing, editing, and finalizing the Peacemaker version of my video series

- Helping Fred during a crazy-busy time at work that is compounded in its difficulty by one of his employees quitting last week

(Hey! Do you know any godly men or women with strong writing/marketing skills who would like to live in GORGEOUS Montana and work for the WORLD’S NICEST GUY at a cool peacemaking ministry?? Please let me know if you do! )

- Prepping to teach five workshops at the Peacemaker Conference

- Updating our estate planning documents (are yours current??)

- Getting our 2007 family scrapbook/photo album finalized (Ooh! I HATE it when I don’t have our family’s album done by June of the next year!)

... if I could just get through this “stuff”, then maybe my daily normal challenges (mommy-hood; wife-hood; being an encouraging and helpful friend, church member, and family member; continuing to work on my health goals and spiritual disciplines; serving my community, etc. etc. etc.) MIGHT be doable.

But the truth is that this huge big ol' pile of GRAYNESS/STUFF that needs my attention really tempts me to SLACK OFF AND HIDE AWAY. Veg out. (Really honestly? EAT.)

'Course, at the end of that lazy, gluttonous, slothful day, ALL OF MY TO-DO’S WOULD REMAIN. I would just feel MORE burdened because of my legitimate GUILT and I’d have less energy to tackle my duties because I would be out of shape and unhealthy.

AND SO ...

Today I am praying for the grace to worship Jesus and trust in His grace.

- To love my husband and children–and NOT view them as “to-do-items” to check off of my list.
- For diligence–but not crazy-Tara-running-around-ness.
- For wisdom to know what redemptive, God-honoring REST looks like for me. (Not escapism. Just godly rest.)

Hope your Friday is a good one!

Sending you love–
Tara B.

Sophie made my momma heart very happy yesterday when we were driving around town, doing errands, and singing out loud to a fun Raffi album.

As I was singing the actual words to a certain song ("Thanks a lot ..."), Sophie gently “corrected” me and said:

"Momma! The words are actually ‘Thank You, Lord!’"

And I said, “You bet!” And that’s what we sang the rest of the time.

Much to be thankful for!

Yours,
Tara B.

Mommylife.net just posted a wonderful video and I encourage you to take a few moments to view it:



I think its timing is particularly appropriate because someone I know (and love very much!) is just now trying to help an organization to become more service oriented (both internally and externally). Plus, I was reflecting this week on what a difference it makes when someone interacts with me (usually via email) as though I were a human being (trying to do her best) rather than a human-ATM-who-only-exists-to-give-people-what-they-demand (information, resources, whatever).

I guess that’s why we know our produce manager, deli workers, checkout lane ladies, and gentlemen who bag our groceries all by name at our local Albertson’s. And they know us. Human beings! With bills and fears and joys and probably very, very tired feet from working so hard.

Oh! How I pray that I will be a woman who serves and serves and loves and loves. Only God can do this good work in me! I thank God for His grace.

Yours,
Tara B.

In the last two days, Sophia and I have had two conversations wherein she has, out of the blue, said the same thing:

"Mom? I really think we need to pray about this right now. Will you please help me to pray?"

Both times, I should have been thinking the same thing ... but I wasn’t.

I was talking with her, comforting her, teaching her, disciplining her ... but I had not been quick to pray. Her request was a clear reminder to me that I am called to be more prayerful in all of life. (And a sweet encouragement to me, too, that God is at work in her precious little heart!)

"See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 (ESV)

O, Lord! May I pray without ceasing this day and every day.

How grateful I am that you never stop praying for your children!

"This makes Jesus the guarantor of a better covenant. The former priests were many in number, because they were prevented by death from continuing in office, but he holds his priesthood permanently, because he continues forever. Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them. For it was indeed fitting that we should have such a high priest, holy, innocent, unstained, separated from sinners, and exalted above the heavens." Hebrews 7:22-26 (ESV)

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26 (ESV)

Gratefully,
Tara B.

Today I was on the receiving end of a great deal of wise counsel.

The first topic had to do with a cross-cultural peacemaking question. I was tremendously blessed to receive winsome, biblical, and wise counsel from a number of friends and I am extremely grateful.

(In one of the telephone calls, I also had a good chuckle with a friend when he ended the call by encouraging me to “not be prescriptive” as I shared my advice, but to dialogue with the person and encourage conversation as we looked at various biblical passages related to the topic. I told him:

"You know, I could be wrong ... but I think it’s been quite a long time since I quickly jumped to a “This is the way you should it!” / "This is what you should do!" / “This is right and that is wrong!” prescriptive type of answer to anyone about anything.

Not that I don’t believe that there is absolute truth–I absolutely do! But I think that in my 20’s (and earlier!), I was often quite foolish in how I responded to people. I was far to declarative and prescriptive – boy! Did I lack humility. I’m sure I still do! But I was even WORSE back then."

We both laughed and marveled at God’s patience with us as He grows us in grace.)

The second bit of wise counsel I received came from my wonderful friend, Sarah Phillips. Sarah owns a phenomenal bookstore called The Family Book Spot. (If you ever need anything related to education and your kids and you can’t find it or you want a great deal, let me know and I’ll put you in touch with her. She’s great!)

Anyway ... Sarah also has a daughter who is just about Sophie’s age and they are very good friends. We often have them at each other’s homes for playdates. In fact, we’re in each other’s lives so much AND we ship so many packages at our local post office that all of our (wonderful!) post office employees know both Sophia and Emma by name and even know which candy they like (Smarties vs. Taffy). Oh, and they know Sarah and me too. (Hi Mr. Dean, Mr. Greg, and Miss Johnna!)



So back to the good counsel that Sarah gave me ...

I was working VERY hard this morning but I still hadn’t gotten to our lessons for the day, and Sarah called me up with a cheerful, “I have the kids loaded in the minivan and we’re going for a pizza. Let me pick up Sophie and we’ll have a fun play day together!” I told her that sounded great, but we still hadn’t gotten to our lessons yet. And here was her (brilliant!) counsel:

"Tara, she’s four years old. And it’s summer! Let her come play. Take a day off!"

And I thought, “She’s right!” So that’s exactly what I did. I loaded Sophia into a happy minivan and off they went for a fun day.

And then, after my UPS guy delivered your DVDs this afternoon, I worked and worked and worked ...

I made boxes, I scoured our entire house for any sort of packing material that might keep your DVDs safe and sound ...



And then made multiple trips to the post office to ship every single order out within four hours of getting the DVDs in hand:



Most of the orders went via Media Mail, so they may take a little time to arrive. But if you paid for extra fast shipping via Priority Mail, you should have them within 2-3 days.

Oh, PLEASE let me know if I made a mistake with your order! I tried SO hard to keep the details straight ... but if I miscounted the number of guides for your group or didn’t use enough cushioning wrap (so they are damaged), please just let me know and I promise to do everything I can do fix the problem ASAP.

I loved serving you–but I’m BEAT and heading to bed.

Hope you enjoy a restful weekend!

Yours,
Tara B.

Well, the first two posts in this Christian woman’s blog hooked me sufficiently to add her to my “try out this blog” bookmark, so I thought I’d share the link with you:

More Love to Thee

You know, a friend and I were just discussing this week how most “Christian Woman” online stuff is unbearable to us. The language can be so harsh/critical/graceless; the theology can be so Man-centered; or the picture of the Christian life can be presented as either being all Perfection/"Victory" or Misery/Works-Oriented-Never-Good-Enough that we simply avoid it all.

What a gift of grace to read posts that are God-centered and gentle; in the battle–but by faith, by grace, in Christ alone!

Oh, and I clicked through to her husband’s blog and had the same sense ... hence the referral.

Hope you’re all having a great Thursday. Soph and I just got home from running errands and we are rejoicing over some $1.38 clearance toys at Target. (Since I had pushed her a bit with a few too many errands–and the apple snack I had packed for her was long gone, I had told her that she could have a pretzel and yogurt or she could spend that money on a “treat” toy. When she wisely chose the toy, I assumed we’d be shopping in the $1 Spot. I had no idea we’d be blessed with such fun treats!)

Grace abounds!

Yours,
Tara B.

I’m home for a long stretch and it’s been a great time to continue my ongoing growth in grace re: being more disciplined (spiritually, physically, what I eat, etc.). I’m also trying to get a little organized and prepared for the little “homeschool co-op” that Sophie and I will be participating in at our church this year.

(As an aside, Fred and I are still not 100% sure what we’ll be doing with Sophia’s “real” education. She is only four and a half, so she would have to wait another year to start even Kindergarten at public or Christian schools in Billings. So Fred is encouraging me to keep on enjoying these young years and just have fun ... which we do with our little “lessons.”

We call our morning routine “un-homeschooling”: a little Bible, Catechism, phonics, writing, reading out loud, violin, and some sort of quantitative play ... logic is her absolute favorite, but we do analogies, sequencing, telling time, playing with Wedgits/legos/puzzles, etc. It really doesn’t take much time, we both enjoy it, and it does help me to feel that even in some small way I’m redeeming the time and being intentional in our play/fun.

Since she’s so little and we’re focusing on enjoying these young years, our participation in the co-op is not so much about “education” as it is about having relationships in the church; working on peacemaking with peers; experiencing a classroom setting and learning to honor a teacher and serve/encourage fellow students.)

ANYWAY ... all that to say ... one of the things I’ve been trying to learn about is a math program called Math-U-See. This is the curriculum that will be used in Soph’s little co-op, so I’m trying to orient us both to its terms and systems.

My friend lent me her materials temporarily while I wait for my order – and yesterday I started watching the video and tried to make a “Decimal Street”:



I really like the program so far–it introduces the idea of place value to kids right away and really seems to make a lot math that was SO unclear to me as a kid VERY clear and understandable.

BUT ... I was completely incompetent trying to make the decimal street. Straight lines and well-measured things just aren’t my forte. And after the second failed attempt, I knew it was best to ask Fred for help. He happily got out his drafting tools and protractors from engineering days, and before you knew it, we had our “Unit House” and “Ten-T House” and “Hundred Castle.” Plus he offered to watch the videos and read through the curriculum so that he could help both Sophie and me since he is SO quant and I am SO verbal/NOT quant. So yeah-rah for Fred!

Now, to get to the whole reason I wanted to write this post ...

This morning, I totally cracked Fred up when I got back from my walk with Lili and told him I was heading into the basement to do my abs/lifting AND WATCH THE MATH VIDEO. He thought I was kidding. Math and abs? Why not add an awkward social interaction with a difficult person and try to COOK at the same time? Then I could hit all of my hardest areas of life in one fell swoop.

But nope, I really am doing math and abs each morning. Just a little bit of trying to honor God by being more disciplined, diligent, and tackling my ongoing fears.

Soph/princess Momma and Lili just came downstairs and we’re ready for play/lessons, so I must run.



Hope you enjoy a lovely Tuesday–

Yours,
Tara B.

During the hubbub of the weekend, one of my sisters-in-law said something that has really stuck with me.

She mentioned how easy it is to be really excited about the anticipation of something and then to really enjoy the memories related to it ... but it is easy to miss out on enjoying the now.

Lord willing, we will be home in a few hours and I should have plenty of time in the next few weeks to be content, quiet, and enjoy “the now.”

I am praying that I will do so.

Grace to you!

With love from the MSP WorldClub,
Tara B.

In yet another reminder of His loving care, God has provided for our need of ours before we even asked Him about it!

It has to do with the light fixture above our dining room table. For some inexplicable reason, the glass just started breaking, shattering, and dropping big pieces to the ground. (Not a great situation, especially with small children and Goldens running around.)



My next plan was just to remove it and have a bare bulb until our finances turned around a bit and we could afford a new light fixture, but then this weekend, friends from church (out of the blue) just gave us their old one:



I know it’s a small thing, but it really struck a chord in my heart and reminded me that my Heavenly Father knows my needs and delights in giving me, not rocks, but fish to eat.

Oh, and once again, Fred persevered in leading us through (another!) hard conversation. (This little stretch of distance and sorrow and “un-connectedness” in our marriage has been the longest we have ever experienced and we were both growing quite discouraged and sad about it.) It was so hard! But God truly did provide and even last night, Fred and I began to (by faith) take baby steps to reach out to each other again.

I am heading to bed slightly more hopeful and I have a renewed sense of the goodness of God. Now THAT truly is grace.

Good night and God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

Today I had the joy of hosting FIVE CHILDREN in our home.

Three are from a family who is about to leave on a missions trip, but first they have to do a last-minute (aren’t they all?) quick trip this weekend to Washington state for a funeral–and I thought the mom might enjoy some “alone time” running errands and doing laundry/packing, etc.

The other child is the son of a dear (dear!) friend of mine from church and I’ve been wanting to get to know him for YEARS now, so I’m very grateful that my friend is allowing him to spend some time in our home this summer.

Everything went great as far as the kids were concerned. We had a little Bible/catechism/prayer time, the three “big kids” read out loud, we played Monkey Math as a group, and then they all just played “on their own” while I made lunch.

Five custom-made-to-order PBNJ sandwiches, some carrots, grapes, bananas and cheese sticks later, it was time to coat up in sunscreen and get nice and hot/dirty/wet outside:



The hardest parts of my day had nothing to do with keeping five children alive and (hopefully!) relatively happy:

1. I dropped a can of soda and it EXPLODED. I mean ABSOLUTELY EXPLODED!!! A terrible, sticky, horribly gooey, impossible to clean up MESS from ceiling to wall to floor to cabinet and back up another cabinet to another wall and another area of the ceiling. A TOTAL DISASTER.

2. As I was scrubbing and working to clean up the mess (don’t you think God is telling me to STOP DRINKING SODA!!!??!!), I didn’t see two rusty nails in the wall and I ran my hand over them with a cleaner-soaked paper towel and TOTALLY gashed open DEEP wounds (which then were immediately filled with stinging cleaner solution). Nice.

3. Just after I put bandaids on the wounds (which quickly overfilled with blood), I opened a package but didn’t see that it was one of those AWFUL grey-paper-shredded-stuffed packages and promptly spread GREY DUSTY FUZZ all over my dining room.

4. As I’m vacuuming up the HUGE mess, I note that my vacuum is SO over-filled and stuffed, so I take it apart to empty it and see this nice language on the filter inside: “For best performance change filter every 6 months. Write-on reminder. Change the filter on: ______”



(I mean REALLY! Are there people in the world who actually DO that??!! Hmmmm ... a part of me really WANTS to be that person. But a part of me thinks, “Really?! Could I ever remember to DO that?!”)

I bet that if I changed the filter every six months, the stuff I pulled out of it wouldn’t have looked like this:



Clearly, when I THOUGHT I was cleaning with this thing, I’ve just been SPREADING DIRT.

5. On top of it all, I receive an email that pretty much broke my heart and crushed my spirit and THEN I received a phone call where someone literally YELLED at me (even though I am trying to help them with something for no other reason than love of God and love of neighbor). BLERGH.

Oh well. The good news is that, with my bleeding hand, AS I tried to clean up the sticky exploded soda mess ... I discovered super-top-secret perfectly-sized-for-cans-of-paint SHELVES!! It was like discovering Narnia for an organizing-addict like me!



Oh, that Ken Sande! (He owned our house before us.) He thinks of everything. He even gave us his old pancake griddle because he had CUSTOM BUILT a special shelf over the fridge JUST for that exact model. So fun.

(You know ... honestly? I can’t wait until the recently-mopped-sticky-floor dries so that I can put some more cans of paint in recently-discovered shelf!)

Anyway ... the day ended nicely with me reading out loud, Three Tales of My Father’s Dragon. Then we all played wedgits and ate apple slices.

Truly, grace abounds.

Hope you enjoy a lovely 4th of July!

Yours,
Tara B.

I know you might not believe it ... but I touched BEANS this weekend!

Yes, yes ... it’s not like I touched YEAST or something ... but still ...

I’ve been wanting to (gear up the courage to) try PalmTree Pundit’s White Bean Dip and Pita Chips for, you know, a LONG time. But the recipe had SCARY LIKE A SPIDER words like “drain & rinse” and referenced a FOOD PROCESSOR (which up until age 38, I’d never owned), so I kept putting it off and off. For months.

And then, FINALLY, talking with my sister on the phone, I SOMEHOW found the courage to a) buy a food processor; and b) WASH AND RINSE BEANS. And do you know what? It wasn’t really that hard after all.



The food processor thingy was, in fact, SCARY. (Man! You could lose a finger in that thing!) But cool, too. HOW FUN to actually chop things JUST LIKE A REAL WIFEY.

But the rest was just fun. Spices and a REAL lemon and all of that. (Although I DO need to buy a “juicer.” Didn’t have one so I just had to improvise getting the juice OUT of the REAL LIVE LEMON.)

Here was the result:





Thanks, PalmTree Anne! You have blessed our family yet again. Now if we can just get PalmGirl to share some of her cooking brilliance with us ... we’ll be set!

Oh, and didn’t Fred look HANDSOME this morning as he left for work wearing the super-cool shirt his mom gave him for his birthday?



Happy Tuesday!

Love ya,
Tara B.

Fred and I have come to the conclusion that–although we had the best of intentions and truly THOUGHT it would be OK–scheduling fourteen out of town trips for me in a five month period was just NOT WISE. And unless the Lord makes it clear to us that we should change our thinking in the future, we are not going to do it again.

Traveling isn’t hard for me.
I stay pretty much perpetually packed during my busy speaking season.

Sitting in an airport or on an airplane is no different for me than sitting on my couch at home–I can work, relax, rest, or veg out–OOPS! Except for one important difference ... I’M NOT HOME. And as “they” say, “The difference is all the difference.”

So we are looking ahead to the fall and next spring and praying for wisdom (and seeking counsel) concerning the invitations we receive to serve. We know it is hard, but saying “No” can be the right (and best) thing to do.

We do not want to willingly invite in this level of exhaustion and emotional isolation. It got pretty bad there towards the end. I think that having my dad in the hospital having multiple heart surgeries (again) and some other familial emergencies/stressful situations exacerbated the situation too.

So anyway ... I’m home. I started a new book! Soph and I did a lot of puzzles and played outside. Fred and I talked when he got home tonight.

Ahhhhh. Big breath. It’s all going to be OK.

Thank You, God, for forgiving me over and over again (and for helping the people around me to forgive me too!). And thank You for helping us to grow in wisdom–we have SO much to learn.

Desperate for mercy!
Banking everything I have on the mercy of God in Christ.

I remain–

Yours with love,
Tara B.

I just have to say ... Bozeman has the NICEST tow-truck drivers!

I mean, Wow! Part therapist, part comforting father figure, super-cool-mechanical-I-can-hitch-your-car-up-in-a-jiffy “man’s man” ... Bozeman’s tow-truck drivers are GREAT.

But honestly? I wouldn’t mind not having to see them on my NEXT trip since my last time meeting them in Bozeman was so terrifying.

This tow was much less “exciting” but adrenaline still fritzed out my brain so I didn’t have the presence of mind to grab my camera and snap a shot of our poor old purple Honda being towed away (with Sophie clinging to my leg and crying, “Bye little car! Bye little car!” and Scout praying that our car would “stay sick so we’d have to go to their home in Helena” ).

Our car’s blue book value is practically zero because it’s so old. So we are officially in that “Larry Burkett / weigh the cost of a new-used car versus repairs” season of car ownership, so when my temperature gauge jumped to H in a nanosecond and white steam/smoke was pouring out from the under the hood with a horrible HISSSSSSING sound too? Well, it wasn’t a great moment. (Especially because we had just put another $2,000 of repairs into it thinking we could possibly eek out a few more years.)

BUT ... it just WAS a great moment in that it happened right THEN and right THERE. Ten minutes later (literally!) and Sophie and I would’ve been stranded on the side of a mountain. (Literally. The first fifteen minutes of driving from Bozeman to Billings are pretty much straight up and then straight down a mountain.)



Instead, we were in town, able to get a tow, AND we even found a mechanic who could help.

No, it wasn’t very fun. My head immediately started spinning:

- What if the car is DEAD?! Why did we waste that money on repairs? How will we get home? How will we be able to get a new-used car?

- What if it’s fixable, but not for a few days? Weeks? How will I take care of Sophie in Bozeman if I can’t drive and get her food? We don’t have clothes. How will we afford a hotel for an indefinite amount of time?

And on and on.

It’s amazing, isn’t it, how QUICKLY we can CATASTROPHIZE things? But really? There is grace for the MOMENT. Grace for the need.

- That’s Samara’s heart–a heart of faith. Knowing that this was hard, but not a tragedy. We were safe and we would find a way to work everything out.

- And Fred’s heart–concerned about me, but with a calm assurance that helped me to think through my next steps.

- And Pastor Jeff’s too! As he called a deacon and then called auto repair shops on my behalf. Busy, much going on, clubs happening AS all of this is unfolding ... but never to busy to help. His wife immediately offered their home, car, whatever we needed. TJ and Samara were cooking up plans to drive us all the way to Helena (Scout’s prayer ) and/or all the way home to Billings.

And actually? Everything just worked out. It was a repairable problem. They assured me that we’d be safe on the mountain. (And we were.) And now we’re home.

“Lord, increase my faith!” Because boy! In those moments, it is SO easy for all of my theology to just FLY OUT THE WINDOW and what I “really” believe comes squirting out of my prone-to-wander heart.

Thank God for His mercy! I’m lost without it.

Hope you have a tow-truck-free day–

Sending you love,
Tara B.

Oh! Please do not miss this astounding article in World Magazine by Marvin Olasky:

Communion with St. Paul–That God might be glorified in Addis Abba

I sat on an airplane last week and WEPT as I read of the ministry of Dr. and Mrs. Paul Lim. Dr. Lim left his profitable plastic surgery practice and comfortable life in the United States to minister to the poorest of the poor; the most rejected people in society.

There was story after story of grace in action! Consider just a few:

"A teenage mom walked in holding a 1-month-old with a completely cleft lip. She sat, gazed at her baby, and smiled—no, glowed: She’s in love with her baby. The father, a few years older, wearing a Michael Jordan 23 shirt, was unsmiling. When Lim said, “We will fix his lip,” the mom beamed even more broadly, but the father remained stern.

Then Lim said, “Jesus brought me, brought us, here for him.” The man suddenly smiled, as if just getting it, and enthusiastically shook the doctor’s hand.

A 13-year-old girl slipped in, holding up her scarf to cover her mouth. She uncovered her mouth only when seated before Lim—and her reason for hiding behind her scarf was immediately obvious. Lim maintained his composure, examined her, and said to the translator, “Tell her that she will need more than one operation. We will do everything we can to help. Jesus brought us here, brought us all here, for her.”

The girl again covered her mouth as she went out. Lim mentioned to me, “That’s the first time I’ve seen this in person. We don’t have this in the U.S.—I only saw pictures before.”

A 12-year-old came in with his mouth frozen in a grimace. Malnourishment had provided the base for an infection when he was 5. Now he is missing a lot of tissue, skin, and part of his mouth. He had wanted to commit suicide, but Lim said, “We can help you. Jesus brought me, brought us here, for you.” The grimace did not, could not (for now) change—but it will"

I want to be like Dr. Lim!

Oh, God, please turn me away from my oft' selfish, petty heart!!
And cause me to love YOU so much that your love SPLASHES OUT on the people around me.

Thank You for forgiving me all my sins!

Your grateful sheep,
Tara B.

Whenever I am tempted to be discouraged or frustrated by all of these DVD-related details, I hear Sophie’s voice whispering in my ear:

"God will help you, Momma."

And I thank God for ALL of the men and women who continue to help me to hear, learn, believe and APPLY the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I see my friend, Joe, laboring HOUR AFTER HOUR on his own personal time, editing those DVDs NIGHT AFTER NIGHT and DAY AFTER DAY ...

Hearing my stories (again!), cringing at my mis-speaks and then FIXING them so that you can cringe a little less. And why? For money? NOPE! Not one dime. For fame? Well ... he SHOULD be famous ( !) ... but really?Because what motivates him to use his genius brain power, eagle-eye proofing, and technical brilliance is THE GOSPEL. He wanted to encourage women (and thus, through their relationships, men, children, pastors, church members, church leaders, coworkers ... EVERYONE!) to believe that God truly DELIGHTS in saving His children!



And then I glance to my right and see my beloved husband. Glued to his laptop yet again. Working hard on a Peacemakers project. Persevering with me even though we are going through quite a long rough patch relationally.

How did I even have anything to say on those videos? Fred watched Sophia for hour after hour, day after day, weekend after weekend, year after year, as they cheerfully sent me on my way to speak to 10,000+ women at retreats and conferences. Then he sat for HOURS and proofed and proofed (and now he has to RE-proof to “edit it down” to be more accessible to an even broader audience). We squabble and quarrel–and it is SO not pleasant. And yet he perseveres. Why? THE GOSPEL.

Clearly, I could never merit such a man.

I am grateful. I am. And so I pray for God’s help to keep going myself and just GET IT DONE. Again.

I’d really like to move on to another project ... book ... teaching ...
But first I must finish the job before me, right?

I’m glad Sophie is happily off on an Auntie & Uncle adventure involving Chicago museums & dolphins & dinosaurs & pyramids!

Thanks for the attitude check.
Blessed, happy Monday to you all!!

With much love,
Tara B.

Well ... it’s been a real life day.

Some things are sweet! Some things are hard. Basically just life.

We took a family walk (a big goal on this trip! outdoor exercise/fresh air every day! I even packed my tennis shoes).

Ended up at a Greek Orthodox Church (we missed being in church on Sunday morning!) ... quite a cultural experience. Lent itself to some good conversations about how blessed we are to have the Bible in our own language.

Walked to a park. I fell asleep on a bench while they played and played and played.

One more stop on the way home for some sidewalk chalk and outside toys–and our day was pretty much spent coloring, resting, organizing suitcases (MY happy place), and QUICKLY writing and uploading five ghost-writing articles that were actually due yesterday (oops! sorry! my bad!).

Oh–and Fred and I had a brief, but intense and not altogether pleasant conversation about some of the changes that Peacemakers wants to make to the DVD series if they are going to pick it up and make it their own.

Please do pray for us! A part of me HATES to see it change. I cry over the watering-down of the GLORY of God’s grace in sovereignly ordaining the salvation for His children! (As if we have ANYTHING to contribute to our salvation other than our SIN!)

I can’t BELIEVE that they want to take out Trudy’s (AMAZING! GLORIOUS! GOD-CENTERED!) music! I truly thought that our call to WORSHIP GOD through her songs was one of the absolute BEST parts of the entire series.

Oh oh oh oh OH! When things get hard, I am really tempted to say, “Forget it! We’ll just keep it as is and serve our tiny sphere of influence!” (And maybe that’s the final decision that we’ll end up with.)

But for now ... Fred’s in a VERY awkward place being married to me and facilitating lots of diverse/competing interests and opinions.

Maybe I should just “roll with it.” Close my eyes, remember how many MORE people can be and will be helped through their distribution channels and just tell them, “Do what you want.”

It’s just a very hard thing. Makes me want to start a BRAND NEW video series for both MEN AND WOMEN, cotaught with my pastor (Jason Barrie)–where we talk about all of these things in the context of the local church ... biblical peacemaking, authentic and redemptive relationships, grace-based marriages & grace-based parenting, the GIFT of formative AND judicial church discipline, ongoing biblical counseling, etc. etc.

And so ... I’m just going to do my little tasks associated with this old project (sketch out a “lead in” for how it fits in to “The Peacemaking Church”; shorten my “Thank You's” to only one page (sorry to everyone that I have to cut out!); significantly cut my personal note at the end. No Trudy songs. No “behind the scenes/bloopers.”

A different product is coming your way soon. I’m trying to keep at the forefront of my heart and mind that our goal is to encourage, serve, and equip the most people we can. SDG.

(But if you want the current version with all of this stuff AND for the much lower price, the time window is rapidly shrinking.)

Hope your Sabbath was a lovely day of rest!

Yours,
Tara B.

I had a LONG flight to Florida on Thursday and a LONG flight home today. But it wasn’t as long as a certain father-son duo who happened to be on the exact same flights as me ...

The son must be very, very sick. I assume he is dying–although I am no medical expert. He was just barely skin and bones. Unable to move his own arms, legs, or even hold his head upright. So his father held his head for him. Both flights. The entire 3.5 and 4 hours respectively.

The dad stretched his sons arms and legs. Lovingly held his head. Whispered in his ear. Obviously loved him with all his heart.

I wondered if maybe they were going to Florida for a “Make A Wish” trip or to seek medical care. I don’t know.

But I know that I saw love today–
And I am so sorry for that little one’s suffering–
And the suffering of his papa too.

God is still the same!
But this life is oft' so hard.

Grace to you!!

With much love from a tired but grateful gal,
Tara B.

PS
Hi Florida ladies! It was SO wonderful to be with you all! Thanks again for inviting me to be with you.

Guess what?

PEOPLE MAGAZINE did a profile on (Peacemaker staff members) Rick & Annette Friesen and their (wonderful!) daughter Christina.



(You may recall their story–how Rick met 15 year-old Christina on an airplane flying home from teaching at a Peacemakers event. Her mother had abandoned her at birth and she was a lifetime “foster kid” getting moved to yet another foster kid group home. Rick couldn’t stop thinking about her when he got home, and after seeking counsel and much prayer, he and his wife went and found her and adopted her! It’s a great story and a wonderful reflection of the gospel.)

Check out the June 16 issue of People Magazine: See page 8 (picture and “blurb” in the table of contents) and pages 135-136 (for the article). The article also includes Gary & Laurel Friesen’s son Jake in a photo.

Fun stuff!

Thank You, God, for adopting US into YOUR family!
And thank you, Friesens, for reflecting the gospel to a watching world.

Much love,
Tara B.

Our piano tuner just left and I can think is:

That’s what I need! A tune up for PEOPLE.

Can you imagine it?

I’d wake up in the morning–like, say, THIS morning and someone would BONK! me on the head with a tuning fork, give my heart a little TWANG! and before you’d know it:

- A little tweak here (You’re scared about temporary things again, Tara; you keep thinking that YOU have to somehow take care of EVERYTHING ... but really? You don’t have the time, power, strength, authority, or ability to take care of most of the things that are troubling you. You are forgetting that you are not an orphan. God is real! God is Your loving Heavenly Father.)

- A little tweak there (Oops! You want to go FLAT again ... run away, hide, escape, AVOID. But that doesn’t solve any of your problems or address any of your concerns. You can’t “fix” everything, but you do have SOME steps that you can take even now that will help. A little fresh air and some sunshine. Prayer. Reach out to a friend. Hold your four year-old as she falls asleep on your chest. (MY FAVORITE!! I LOVE it when her breathing matches mine and we just snuggle away.) A little diligence. Sin doesn’t help! But faith expressing itself in love? Ahhhhh. Good idea.)

- And a big old THWACK with the tuning hammer as needed (Thank You, God, that you do not leave me to my own devices! But You love me so much that you discipline me. I NEED it.)

All tuned up and ready to go.

Wouldn’t that be GRAND?????



Hope your week is progressing well.

Sending you love,
Tara B.

We read Psalm 23 for our Bible reading tonight.

To begin her prayer time by “praying back God’s attributes,” Sophia thanked God for being our Good Shepherd, for taking care of us just like “His little sheep,” and for always being Emmanuel–God with us–even though we may walk through dark and scary places at times.

And then she made my entire day when she prayed, “Thank You, God, for Mommy. And thank You, God, for You. Amen.”

Thank You, God, for You. Amen & Amen!

Good night and God bless–

Your friend,
Tara B.

I had a wonderful walk this morning with Lilikoi (our Golden).

It started out kind of strange because, after I had put on my WINTER coat, gloves, and mp3/radio, and wrapped my scarf around my hat-covered head (it is COLD at 6AM! in the 30’s!), I took Lili outside for her potty call, turned back toward the house and there was sweet Sophie in her princess NIGHTGOWN. Brrrrrrrr!

Apparently, she needed a little momma cuddles, so we went back inside, cuddled away, read some Bible, played, and after Fred woke up and took over cuddle duty, Lili and I headed out.

We’ve gotten into the habit of walking to the post office early in the morning. It takes just under an hour if I keep up a fast pace, but it does require a backpack for packages.

ANYWAY ... it was a nice morning. I enjoy the fresh air and the combination of news & worship music that I switch back and forth between as I walk.

I was sad to see a gorgeous duck dead by the side of the road. He was truly magnificent! Such a deep orange color for his feet–just beautiful. And the colors of his feathers? Stunning! It was sad that he had apparently not made it across the road, but I did marvel at God’s creation in making such a magnificent creature.

I was blessed to see a junior high boy lean over and give his dad a kiss as he was dropped off for school. It was an old, rusty car (looked like ours!) and their clothing didn’t indicate that they had a lot of discretionary money to spend on the latest fashion. But a junior high boy giving his dad a kiss? That’s just good livin'! And I bet a lot of “wealthy” families would love to have strong relationships with their kids over fancy cars or clothing any day, eh?

So there I was, feeling “centered” and grateful and worshipful of God as I headed home ...

‘Course, then Fred and I had a big ol’ fight as we made breakfasts and packed lunches. Yuck. Fighting is SUCH a drag. I don’t know how your fights are, but when WE fight, I get SO DISCOURAGED because IN THAT MOMENT, it feels as thought we’ll never work through it. Our really bad fights feel SO overwhelming.

Yes, yes, truth and grace prevail and we work through things. But BOY! Conflict can be extremely unpleasant.

And isn’t it just TOO funny how quickly our heart attitudes can change? Happy to sad. Content to frustrated. Hopeful to despairing.

(Oh, and yes, it IS “day one” of that time of the month for me too. Think that comes into play? )

OK ... it’s 12:30PM and I’m about to start to pack for my east coast trip tomorrow.

May God be glorified!
How good to know that HE never changes. Never.

Happy Wednesday!
– Tara B.

What if marriage were more about our growth in grace than our temporal happiness?

And what if we who are spouses have the great honor of reflecting God’s MERCY as our husbands and wives grow in grace? (Because, after all, it is God’s KINDNESS, His MERCY, that leads us to repentance, right?)

What if we did the same for our children? Helped them to see that what they did NOT need to figure out is how to “FAKE IT” to “LOOK GOOD” to earn our “approval” and “love.” But what they desperately need is the exact same thing WE need every single day: Christ. The Cross. A substitutionary Life and a substitutionary Death. A Savior.

And what if (as singles, divorced people, widows/widowers, married, whatever!) we lived our lives in community with this same mindset? So people at church, in our workplace, in our school, wherever (!) did not need to “measure up” before we would enter INTO their world. But instead, we loved the unlovable ... just as WE who were UTTERLY UNLOVABLE were loved even when we didn’t have a THING to offer in and of ourselves.

What if ...
What if ...

Amen. May it be so.
Maranatha. Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Your friend on a Monday morning,
Tara B.

Just a few blocks from our home–actually right in front of the church where Judy’s and my mediation on Peacemaking Women was held–a 24 year-old woman was killed yesterday morning.

She was driving her car on the main road (Grand Avenue), just driving along, heading into her day ... maybe thinking about the weekend or her 10:00 meeting, who knows? But then an irresponsible person just ignored the stop sign and “T-Boned” this poor woman’s car. She died of major blunt force trauma to the head and chest.

Fred and I were so sad as we read about all of this in the online “Billings Gazette” yesterday. Poor woman! And can you imagine the day that her family and friends had?

What a sad thing and what a reminder of the brevity of life. Oh that I may live with a grateful and God-centered heart this very day.

I had moments of that yesterday ... snippets of sweetness as I went throughout my day:

- I was SOOOOO tired after my sleepless night and I had NO interest in doing our little play/lessons (Bible, catechism, reading, math/logic, violin). I just wanted to LIE THERE and stare into space. But then I spoke with a friend about setting up a playdate, and she mentioned that she’d like to wait a couple of hours so that she could get their children through their morning routine/lessons. Now ... this friend didn’t know where my heart was, and she wasn’t confronting me or exhorting me ... but just the TESTIMONY of her life was enough to rouse my lazy bones and get me cuddling with Soph in our little chair. And our day was much better having experienced a little diligence (and fun and cuddles) to start it off.

- At the park with another friend, our three little girls were just SQUEALING with delight on the spinny tire swing toy. I mean it was unadulterated FUN. I turned to my friend and said, “This is GOOD LIVIN'!” And it was. (OH – AND she helped me to tackle my life-long fear of giving UNDERDOGS! Which, it turns out, aren’t that scary after all.)

- Later in the day, another friend and I sat on kitchen chairs in her driveway as our four children PAINTED ROCKS (and the driveway) with homemade sidewalk paint. It was SO sweet to talk and “watch the show” of children outside just doing what kids do.

So much grace! Such a better day than that poor woman and her loved ones.

May God be glorified this day and always! May we remember that this world is not our home–and that life is very, very short.

Grace to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

I listen to the news; I read news magazines and websites ... so why do I hear/read every nuance of every ridiculous thing a (potential!) candidate says; every result of every (ridiculous!) poll ...

But, until I check in with MilitaryMotivator, I hear NOTHING of the bravery of this great man?

Medal of Honor Awarded to Michael Monsoor

Only weeks to go until his deployment ended. Having already been awarded the Silver Star for bravery I can’t even imagine (during the FIRST month of his FIRST deployment). Only 25 years old.

"“He never took his eye off the grenade, his only movement was down toward it,” said a 28-year-old lieutenant who sustained shrapnel wounds to both legs that day. “He undoubtedly saved mine and the other SEALs’ lives."

“One of the SEALs he saved said that Mike’s countenance was completely calm and he showed no fear only resolve.”

Freedom is never free. Our luxurious (and often selfish!) lives are paid for by great sacrifice.

What a hero. We do not deserve the likes of you, Navy Seal Michael Monsoor. Thank you for your sacrifice. We are so sorry for the loss that your loved ones are experiencing; and we are sorry for the loss that our military and country are experiencing too.

The other day as we were talking, Sophia made the following comment to me:

"Mom, I think that you are a combination of both good and bad."

How right she is.

And today as we were practicing violin? I encouraged her to really concentrate and do her very, very best. And she replied:

"But I don’t have to be perfect, right?"

Nope. None of that required here.

Only One Person was ever perfect. Not us. Just Him.

Hope your Monday went well. I had a lovely day, but for some unknown reason, I’m a complete GROUCH tonight. Still ... much to be grateful for. Fred didn’t respond in kind when I was short-tempered; we’re grilling out and enjoying a gorgeous spring night on the back porch under our tiki lights.

Truly, grace abounds.

G'nite and God bless!
– Tara B.

I continue to (slowly) enjoy Ed Welch’s latest book, "Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest."

Today’s chapter was on prayer. As usual, whenever I read anything on prayer or hear a sermon on prayer, I am sorely convicted as to just how little I pray.

His closing paragraph encouraged me, though, and I thought it might bless you too:

"If I know that prayer isn’t going to be easy, I am better prepared to deal with my excuses. For example, too often I will begin to pray, then gravitate to the things that worry me, start trying to solve them, realize I am not really prayer, and then decide to attend to the urgent matters and pray later. When I know that prayer is not natural, I realize that I shouldn’t wait for prayer to feel easy. If it seems hard, I am on the right path.

Now let’s do some praying."

Yes, let’s!

In our Bible reading last night, Sophie and I read together last night how God gives us His very presence by His Helper, The Holy Spirit, the Third Person of the Trinity.

"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:16-18

Ed Welch says, “The Spirit is the presence of Jesus to us.”

Let’s run to God today! He is with us “to the very end of the age” (Matthew 28:20).

Happy Tuesday to you all! May it be a blessed day of much prayer and praise.

Yours,
Tara B.

Sophie came over to me yesterday, put her arms around me, and whispered in my ear:

"Momma, I will always love you. Even when you do something bad, I never stop loving you. I don’t love you because you do good things. I love you because you are my mother and no matter what, I will always love you."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ... grace.

Random thoughts from a tired by grateful Tara:

- Fred and I were tremendously blessed by Pastor Jason’s grace-based marriage Sunday School class. And THEN we went on to spend HOURS on Sunday working through one of our worst/hardest/most frustrating fights EVER. In 15 years. Eek! (Soph kept singing, “Do everything without complaining, without arguing!” from the backseat of the car. So we thanked her and explained that we weren’t complaining or arguing ... but we were in a conflict and we were working it through and we WOULD work it through.) But it was hard, very hard. BLERGH. But good to work through.

- Yes, yes, I know that the DVD sale (that says it’ll end March 15) is still up ... I hope that doesn’t upset those of you who ordered by like midnight on the 15th! My reasons are two fold: 1) My website host went DOWN for almost the entire DAY on March 14 ... so I felt GUILTY for inconveniencing the people who tried to order; and 2) My DVD order (that SHOULD HAVE) arrived on Thursday (or Friday at the LATEST) still isn’t here. So I felt bad about that. Hopefully we’ll end the sale and ship the orders TODAY!

- Sophie is up to the catechism question that talks about how Christ is Lord of heaven, earth, the devil, etc. Last night she said, “God is WAY BIGGER than the devil because the devil is just a FALLEN ANGEL.” (Yes, yes, that’s right dear.) Then she sat there and just thought for a few minutes (apparently about what “fallen angels” do because they do “bad stuff”) ... THEN she said, “Mom, fallen angels sit around and eat CANDY ALL DAY, don’t they?” (because that would be foolish/bad). (Yes, yes. Sure, kid. That’s right.)

- WE MADE SHRINKY DINKS!! I love shrinky dinks. They’re so EASY and FUN!! I couldn’t believe that Fred had never shranky-dank (?? past tense form of shrinky-dink??) before. Color. Pop in oven. WATCH WATCH WATCH 'EM MELT. Take out. They get THICK and TEENY-TINNY!! Cooooooooooool. To quote Fred, “There is some interesting chemistry going on here.”



- I caught Soph and Lili cuddling in the stairwell. Too bad the camera click got Lili all excited.



- Friend/prayer group this morning went for an extra HOUR (I barely had time to get home and make Fred’s lunch before he left for work!). Good stuff. Really, really helpful, encouraging, and edifying. Oh, and fun/real. It is a total grace to have friends who don’t give up on you! And friends who help you to love God and love others. Reminds me of a quote from my current Bonhoeffer reading:

"Self-love is misguided love that has rebelled against its source, love that does not need the help of others and thus is condemned to be unfruitful, love that is basically enmity toward God and one’s neighbor because they could only disturb the immediate circle of myself."

(THE IMMEDIATE CIRCLE OF MYSELF. Eek. Conviction!!)

- Last week I asked Sophie if she ever asks God to forgive her for her sins because of Jesus. She got a scared look on her face and said, “No.” I asked her why. She said, “Because I’m afraid that God might not forgive me.” So I asked her if God was a liar. “No!” And whether the Bible is God’s Word or just a book written by people. “God’s Word!” And can we trust the Bible? “Yes!” SO ... even though we may FEEL like God might not forgive us, GOD’S WORD IS TRUE and we can BANK ON IT over our feelings, right? “Yes!” Well, what does God’s Word say?

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

So THEN ... last night, I asked her if she was afraid to ask God to forgive her for her sins. And she said, “NO! I am not afraid.” Hooray! So let’s go to God, shall we? OK!

I hope that your Monday morning finds you CONFIDENT to draw near the throne of grace.

God never tires of forgiving His children. Never.

Talk with ya soon!

Love,
Tara B.

I’m pushing hard against a big writing deadline today–and BOY! Am I tempted to procrastinate.

But then I (keep trying to) tell myself, “Get to work, Tara! Just get it done! You’ll be so happy if you just get it done.”

So I’m persevering.

I did take a nice/restful/refreshing break to walk with Sophie and Lili down to our video rental store–and local ice cream shop too. Sophie decided to wear her clown wig and clown nose and carry two fairy princess wands ... so between the Golden Retriever puppy and the clown/princess, we made a lot of people smile.

It was a nice break and I’m back at “work” with a Golden snoozing on my toes.

Grace abounds! I hope your Friday is going well.

Yours,
Tara B.

When I spoke at a recent event, an elderly woman approached me. (I found out later than she was 90 years old!)

Honestly? Not knowing her, but making an assumption based on most of the other times that elderly women have approached me when I’m speaking at their events, I assumed that she was going to express displeasure at my rate of speech. (In essence, yell at me because I talk too fast and it’s hard to understand me.)

That’s what usually happens. And I have to tell you—I just HATE that I talk too fast at events. I know that it is a TERRIBLE weakness of mine—right up there with trying to get too much information into too little of time and taking these crazy “lose my train of thought” asides.

ANYWAY … this precious, lovely pillar of the church didn’t yell at me. Instead she said something to the effect of:

“I’ve been coming to these women’s conferences for 56 years. And usually they are SO boring! But today, I can tell that the women are REALLY listening to you. Now, I personally can only understand ONE OUT OF EVERY TEN WORDS YOU SAY.”

(I’m so ashamed! I try to jump in to try to apologize.)

“No, no,” she says, “That’s OK. I’m just so glad that you are holding their attention and even though I can’t understand most of what you are saying I CAN PRAY. And so I do. I pray for you and for the ladies. I’m praying for you, Tara.”

And that was that. Grace in action, eh? Grace with skin on.
(Totally reminded me of my “spiritual Grandma” Doris.)

I want to be like her when I grow up.
I want to be like her today.

May God be glorified and may our words be so edifying and aptly spoken!

Happy Saturday from Virginia—

Love,
Tara B.

PS
Thanks to all of the emails and comments re: ordering the DVD series by the 3/15 special pricing deadline. You have TOTALLY helped our family to know what size order to put in. Cashflow is tight and we truly appreciate it! Thank you. – tkb

JUST got back from our accountant’s.

Haven’t even THOUGHT about starting packing yet. (Oooh–that 4:00AM alarm is going to HURT tomorrow. )

But I just had to let you know the great news ...

IT WAS AN ERROR ON OUR TAXES!!!

Never have I been so happy that someone made a mistake.

I like our accountant a lot and I certainly don’t expect perfection.

(He puts up with ME! That goes a LONG WAY in my book. I told him at the start of our meeting today, “If you sense adrenaline in me, I’m not mad. It’s just fear.”)

It took forty minutes of wrestling and showing him numbers on Quicken and paperwork, etc. But FINALLY ... there it was ...

He double-counted some income. His error.

When he fixed the numbers and did a rough calculation we were set. To the dollar. Well, I think we get a $5 refund or something.

SO MUCH BETTER THAN HAVING TO FIND $8,000 IN POST-TAX, POST-TITHE REAL MONEY!!!

I am grateful.
Shocked.
Grateful.

We’re going for a family walk now and then I’ll do some packing tonight.

See you soon, Virginia!

Happily and a little shakingly,
Tara B.

I’d definitely grab a box of tissues first ...

But then scoot on over to Tim Challies and enjoy:

The Public Nuisance

Seems INSANE (or at least SILLY) to follow up my morning freak out post with this one ... but I’ve wanted to write it all weekend (but I was FOILED by a busted laptop charger ) ...

I just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to GOD and also to my dear friend Nancy L (and her sweet “steady Freddy” Bob) for driving EIGHT HOURS across Florida and back just to come and help me at my resource table this past weekend.

Nancy and I met (I think?? was that our first time meeting??) because she hosted one of my events awhile back. But then we’ve stayed in touch (which is pretty rare for me–most event hosts don’t hang around after I’m done serving at their shindig) ... sharing a mutual love for God, gentle & kind husbands (Nancy and Bob GREW UP together! “The boy next door.” Literally!), and Golden Retrievers.

Last year when she said she wanted to come to my Florida event in March and just “help out”, I thought, “HUH? What? WHY??” (I.e., “Why would anyone want to come and just HELP ME at an event? I’ve never had that before. Usually I jut do my best to cover everything on my own.”)

But she said she really wanted to do it ... and there she was, Saturday morning, happy and friendly and SWEET and quick as a WHIP. She had read all of my little “booktable helper instructions” in advance. She worked and worked and WORKED the entire event (especially since every minute of every break and the entire lunch hour, I was talking with women/trying to answer their questions/encourage them even in just a tiny way).

Looking back on it NOW? I simply could NEVER have done this booktable “on my own.” NEVER.

And God provided exactly what I needed–actually WAY MORE than I could’ve even dreamed.
I never even ASKED Him for help. I couldn’t CONCEIVE of anyone who would, at their own expense, take an entire day just to help me.

But that’s Nancy L. And Bob. And their lovie-bear Golden, Sadie.

God provides!
So much MORE than we deserve!
It’s too lavish for words.

OK–back to domestic diva-Tara-ness.

Smiling and persevering,
Tara B.

We’re not allowed to stay and watch the ballet class (otherwise, I think I would find it VERY hard to leave) ... so I usually get a good 30 minutes of errands in while the girls are in class.

Today? I hit the bank and the health food store ... and THEN I was almost hit. Seriously. INCHES.

I was just moseying along through the parking lot and someone (without, apparently, LOOKING behind them!) just GUNNED it out of a parking spot RIGHT INTO ME. Not “me” like “my car” ... but “me” as in ME. The bumper of her yellow sports car was INCHES from ME/my door/my open window.

Adrenaline is a powerful drug.
I’m still a little shaky.
Scary scary!

Thank God I wasn’t creamed.

(I wonder what the ballet class would’ve done if I didn’t show up hour after hour? Hmmmmm ... I hope they have Fred’s cell on file for emergency reasons.)

OK. Back to work. Two cute girls and a nice dog could use some cuddles and playing.
(OH! That was so scary.)

Hope your day is less “exciting.”
– t

I made it home just after midnight Sunday night. (2AM for my little east coast bod! Boy, was I tired.)

We had sat on the RUNWAY for over TWO HOURS in Minneapolis and the snow and winds were HARSH. I started to get antsy (thinking, “there is NO WAY I’m going to make it home tonight! airport hotel for me!”), but really TRIED to keep a content and grateful attitude.

One thing I was grateful for was the fact that two minutes before I boarded, I bought a BIG bottle of water. (I would’ve been SO parched without it!)

Monday was a nice combination of work & rest; cleaning through the piles that inevitably arise when Momma’s away for a few days & just cuddling and hanging with Fred and Sophie.

Sophie did tell me a sweet story when we were cuddling at the end of the day and I thought it might make you smile too:

"I dreamed that Jesus took my hand and we were flying in the sky. And then you were there, too, Momma. And Daddy took a hand and then LILI took a hand. And we were all holding hands and flying in the sky. And Lilikoi had ALL of her toys on top of her back. That was the end."

Fun! Soph’s a “flyer” too.

(Did you know that only certain people have dreams where they FLY? I’m a flyer but my sister isn’t. But “her Fred” is a flyer too.)

Off to bed now!
Blessings on your dreams!

Love,
Tara B.

A good read over at Pastor JollyBlogger.

(Sounds like Mr. Mann and my "Grandpa Bernie" would be buds, doesn’t it?)

Grace grace grace!
And the legacy of a life well lived.

Thanks, Pastor JollyBlogger!
(And thank You, God, for men like Mr. Mann. Please comfort his family as they grieve their loss.)

Yours,
Tara B.

I was thinking about my Grandpa Bernie the other day. (He wasn’t my “real” grandpa ... just a dear, dear friend from my college days. He and his bride of 53 years–"Grandma Doris"–befriended me when I desperately needed godly friends.)

Bernie and I remained special pals as Doris died, and then when Bernie fell in love with his second beloved wife, Helen. All that happened at the exact time Fred and I were falling in love. (After Doris’s death and before he met Helen, Bernie used to tell Fred, “If I were 50 years younger, I’d be giving you a run for your money.” And Fred would respond, “Yes, sir!”)

ANYWAY ... I was thinking about how Bernie was really my first close friend to die of, well, just being old. He grew weaker, lost his hearing, lost his freedom of movement, lost control of his body, and he died.

Yes, he left quite a legacy of godliness! He has lots of real children and real grandchildren to carry on his heritage. But I will always have a special place tucked in my heart for him.

I still smile when I think about how he ALWAYS beat me at Othello and I ALWAYS beat him at double solitaire. We cheered Michael Jordan’s Bulls on while eating Whitey’s ice cream. We laughed. We cried. I teased him about “burning that wood down there!” (He made incredible wood carvings; the cross that greets you in our home was carved by him for me.)

(Did you know that wood carving smells like wood BURNING? Oh, he would laugh and laugh at me.)

Bernard Vogelaar was a true friend to me.

At a time in my life when I was tempted to be drawn to the things of the world, instead I had this solid, gentle, 76 year-old testimony to God’s grace as ministered through a faithful man of God. Imperfect, for sure! But he loved God. He loved his wife and children. He served his church faithfully. He gave generously. He excelled in his work. And he didn’t give up on ME when I just have to imagine I wasn’t always the easiest 23 year old to be around.

I was drawn to God because I was drawn through this man and the testimony of his life.

It is SO HARD to die! Even for a Christian. Decay and decline; dependency and cost; the unknown and the pain ... it is all so hard!

But God is with us in it and one day, the suffering will end. Amen and Amen. It will end and then we can go home.

Thank you to all of the godly men and women who have reached out to me over the years. Thank you for helping me! Thank you for pointing me to Christ. Thank you for showing me a life that I DID want to strive after–a life with an ETERNAL FOCUS that is NOT caught up in the things of this world. But a life lived for Christ. A life that matters.

Guess I was thinking about all that today when I saw this on MilitaryMotivator (HT!):



So whether I eat or drink
live or die
accomplish something or accomplish nothing
fail, succeed, just lope along
... may I do whatever I do FOR YOU, God.

Not for myself. Not to please others. But love you, God, and love the neighbors you put into my life.
This is my prayer. Amen and Amen.

Signing off exhaustedly but with a grateful, happy heart–

Your friend,
Tara B.

Sophia and I have a little understanding concerning the repentance, confession, and forgiveness we experience during out days alone at home together.

She and I both know that when we say, “I forgive you,” we mean it. The “Four Promises of Forgiveness” (especially the Young Peacemaker Four Promises!) apply:

- Good thought
- Hurt you not
- Gossip? Never!
- Friends forever.

When we forgive one another, it is done. Finished. Covered.

Just as when God forgives us and removes our transgression as far as the East is from the West; and just as, when we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purity us from all unrighteousness …

When we forgive each other, it is done.

BUT We do have a little “exception.” We both understand that, at the end of the day, it might be wise to let daddy know what happened during the day …

- NOT because we’re not forgiven.
- NOT because we need to “dredge” things up from the past.

But simply because by lettering daddy know what we are struggling with, he can pray for us and counsel us and help us.

Now, I have to say … usually these little “exceptions so that we can talk to dad at the end of the day” apply to Sophia.

BUT BUT BUT …

Sometimes they apply to ME. Like yesterday … Sophie had done something REALLY REALLY gross and in a moment of sinful frustration and anger, I said, “You are disgusting!”

Of course, I knew INSTANTLY that I NEVER should say anything even CLOSE to that to my beloved daughter and I immediately pulled her close and specifically apologized.

I told her that I should NEVER say that SHE is disgusting because she is PRECIOUS. It’s just that she did a disgusting THING. And we have to deal with the thing she did … but she is, most definitely, NOT disgusting. She is wonderful and beautiful and precious and LOVED.

I asked her forgiveness and she was quick to forgive me. (She did explain, appropriately, that it REALLY hurt her when I said those words. OH OH OH! Cut my heart!!) But she also was (as usual) so quick to forgive me. Fully and sweetly and GRACIOUSLY! Oh! how grateful I am that I can be forgiven both by God and my daughter.

Still … at the end of the day as we headed into our family devotion time, Sophie (appropriately) asked if we could share about what happened so that daddy could pray for both of us. (I was so ashamed!! But so glad, too, that we could be HONEST with each other and ask God to forgive us and TRUST in God’s forgiveness through Christ.)

And that is exactly what we did.

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him.” Psalm 103:11-13

Thank You, God, for making a way for me to be forgiven.

Thank you, Sophia, for being honest about the hurt I caused you. AND for forgiving me. AND for asking for daddy’s help too. Well done, dear four-year-old daughter!!

And thank you, Fred, for not rejecting me, even when you see my sin and immaturity slop out all over the place (and even onto our beloved daughter!!). I could never merit such a kind, gracious, compassionate, and forgiving husband. I love you so much!! Thank you for so thoroughly reflecting the compassion and graciousness of God that it makes it that much more “real” for me to rest in God’s grace as well.

I love you, dearest darling Fred!
Happy Valentine’s Day to my Beloved Fred!

(And Happy Birthday, Lilikoi! Our one-year-old Golden Retreiver no-longer-a-puppy! You have brought many giggles and smiles and much warmth to our home and we thank God for you.)

Love to all from some airport in some state en route to the east coast!

Yours happily,
Tara B.

Sophie and I are still battling the bug. She is a boogy making machine and I am fevered and WEAK.

But there are many sweet moments in our sick-at-home state.

For example ... a few minutes ago, Sophie came and told me that she would really like to make cards for “the ministries” (her term for where daddy works–i.e., Peacemaker Ministries) and for “the military men” (because we pray for our troops!), and the NUNS (from “The Sound of Music”!) too.

(We watched The Sound of Music for the first time this weekend and she LOVED it and I was SOOOOOO happy that she did.)

My oh my but that kid can make even a tired Momma smile.

Hope your Monday is off to a groovy start!

Yours,
Tara B.

Sophie and I were just napping upstairs when our friendly postal carrier, Gordon, rang our doorbell to drop off some packages. (We have the world’s BEST postal carrier AND UPS driver! They are so professional and friendly and NICE.)

Anyway ... one of the packages was a small bubble-wrap envelope from Tennessee. I kind of cringed as I went to open it, thinking it was a defective CD from my event there a couple of weeks ago. (I hate it when I let people down with a defective CD–plus, sometimes people aren’t all that friendly or gentle when they return them for an exchange.)

But guess what? It wasn’t a returned CD or a grouchy note ... it was a DRESS! A sweet, Valentine’s Day, pink & red hearted dress handmade by a woman at my Tennessee event for Sophia Grace!

Oh, oh, oh, she is going to be so blessed when she gets up from her nap. I can’t wait for her to see it.

You know–I just can’t tell you how much it means to me when events/women at events remember Sophie & Fred. They are SUCH a sweet part of anything I try to do to serve or encourage! And they really do sacrifice to send me off on airplanes every few weeks.

So anyway ... just wanted to say thank You, God, for the sweet encouragement from a sister in Christ!
(And of course we’ll be sending a thank you to the seamstress too.)

Hope you have an encouraging moment in your day today too!

Smilingly,
Tara B.

PS
After our reading in the gospel of John this morning, when Sophie started out her prayer thanking God for His attributes, she prayed this:

"Thank You, God, that You are Our Good Shepherd. And nothing can EVER snatch us from Your hand. Ever. Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, EVER snatch us out of Your hand because You are bigger than EVERYTHING."

(There might have been a few more “nevers” and “evers” in there too.)

Great reminder, eh?

A sweet post over at Tim Challies is worth the read.

Hope you enjoy!

(I had 30 minutes in between sessions and just wanted to say hey.)

Blessings and love,
Tara B.

HT to PalmTreePundit for bringing this hero to my attention:

Hero: Sgt. Rafael Peralta

Seriously. Don’t miss reading this.

How I thank God for Mr. Peralta and all of our brave men and women in uniform (and their families!).

I’ve shared this story at my alumni/advanced women’s retreat (when we talk about adoption), but it’s SO AMAZING and it was JUST printed in our local paper, so I thought I’d share it again:

Chance Meeting on Airplane Leads to Teen’s Adoption

(Don’t forget the tissues if you take two minutes to read this.)

Grace grace grace.
Wow.

(Oh–and we are in the same church as this family. The parents are on staff at Peacemaker Ministries.)

Today during our Bible reading, as she looked at the edges of the pages of my study Bible, Sophia said:

"Momma? Don’t you think that the pages of our Bible are shiny Gold because Jesus is the Light of the World?"

And I said, “Sure!”

In his sermon last Sunday, Pastor Alfred reminded us that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with “groans that words cannot express” (Romans 8:26).

He called this “the heart’s helper” and reminded us that when we feel as though NO ONE UNDERSTANDS US, God says:

"You’re right. People cannot connect fully with you. But I can. I know you. You are known. You are not alone."

Thank God for the Spirit’s groanings!

(And for Pastor Alfred.)

Blessed Tuesday to you, my friends!

With love,
Tara B.

I’m working through the DVD’s and study guide (again) and OH MAN! I am totally cracking up at two incredibly humbling things:

1. One of my eagle-eye proofers made the gentle observation that I tend to “overuse” quotation marks to set apart “colloquial” phrases. I thought, “Hmmmmm? I do?” So I did a little “search” in “Word” and “YUP!” There were, oh, say, “A FEW HUNDRED” sets of “completely unnecessary” and quite “distracting” quotation marks around various “words.”

Hah. I never would’ve known that about my writing. I never would’ve seen it. Thank God for the Body of Christ! In the counsel of many, there really is great wisdom.

2. For say, I don’t know, maybe THOUSANDS of handouts that I’ve distributed at various women’s retreats and conferences over the last few years, I’m pretty much 100% sure that I’ve had a typo in my 1 Corinthians 10:14 cite that turns “Therefore, my dear friends, FLEE from idolatry” into a sentence with an ITTY-BITTY tiny little BUG in it.

(Yes, yes. If you’ve kept your handouts from my event, go ahead and look it up and LAUGH WITH ME as I have apparently encouraged thousands of women to, “FLEA from idolatry.”)

Oh oh oh! I am so laughing at my inadequacies. Truly. These two examples are making me think of the time in eighth grade when I was reading out loud in a science class and accidentally blurred the two words “air” and “masses” together. Not a good moment.

Or the time in high school when I had my Walkman (yeah, 80’s!) on too loud on a dark, SILENT, school bus coming home from a speech team competition ... I turned to my friend and, you know, YELLED because the decibels ringing in my ears were actually quite loud and I didn’t realize that everyone else was pretty much asleep.

Makes me think of the ABSOLUTE WORLD’S WORST LAW FIRM INTERVIEW EVER. Absolutely. Hands-down. “No competition.” In my third year of law school, I gave what can only be described as the WORST job interview EVER. If ever a person was GUARANTEED to NOT get a job, that was me. I still blush a tiny bit when I think about it and it’s been over ten years now.

And the time back in Chicago when I spilled a HUGE glass of juice all over my boss’s papers and $200 tie at a breakfast meeting and, after it was all cleaned up, SPILLED A SECOND GLASS TOO. (Ugh. That one still makes me clench my chest a bit.)

I could go on and on (and on and on).

But I’ll stop and simply thank God that His grace covers over not only my sin, but my stupidity too.

Sleep well, dear friends!
The Lord is with you.

Yours smilingly,
Tara B.

One of my “buttons” in life ...

(You know, the kind of thing that really TICKS ME OFF and brings out some definitely UNATTRACTIVE, totally NOT-GOD-HONORING, absolutely 100% areas in NEED OF FURTHER SANCTIFICATION in me ...)

... is when I am working, working, working, working, WORKING like a mad woman and then either:

1. I realize that there is NO WAY I’m going to get everything done; and/or

2. Something happens to disrupt my crazy-freaking-out-busy-accomplishing-so-much Tara-To-Do-ness. (You know, like a husband not reading my mind and not doing something “just so.” A daughter needing, oh, I don’t know ... food, water, love, attention.)

Well ... having JUST proofed the “final cut” of the Q&A session of my little DVD project (wherein one of the questions was, “What are some of your buttons?” And a follow-up question asked, “And how do you AVOID responding like that?” To which I (HONESTLY) replied, “Ummmm. Well. Yeah. Well ... I can’t say that I’m very good at avoiding my sinful/ugly response because USUALLY I don’t recognize the button. If I recognized what was going on, I’d at least have a FIGHTING chance of responding in a faith-filled, gracious, loving, godly, (NOT so sinfully!) manner. But usually, I just REACT. And SPLAT! Out comes my sin. But of course I know that God is growing me.”

Well, well ... with my own words ringing in my ears and (sort of creepily) convicting me ...

When I was TEMPTED to be JUST AWFUL TARA as I was tackling huge projects yesterday, I instead DID try to recognize my propensity to be a jerk and, instead, respond differently.

I’d have to say on a scale of 1 to 10 of jerkdomness, I was probably still a 7.5 or 8. But I do think I had MOMENTS of maturity. GLIMPSES of growth in grace.

Even just recognizing the battle was a grace, right?
But oh! How desperate I am for forgiveness too.

I am so grateful for the grace I receive from God every moment of my life AND the grace I receive from my husband and daughter every single day too.

Hope you’re breathing in some grace today!

Sending you my love,
Tara B.

Well ... I’ve had a first.

Sunday after church, our little “friend/prayer” group went SHOOTING.

Clay pigeons at the rod & gun club ...
Lessons by deacon Vowell ...
Cheered on by our men ...

We did it!



I have to say ... I truly thought that the statistical possibility of us hitting ANYTHING (other than AIR) was like, ZERO ...

But unbelievably, I did hit two of the clay pigeons. In fact, I completely obliterated, annihilated, turned-back-into-dust one of 'em:



(Here I am “explaining” that it REALLY helps if you KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN while shooting ...)



By the way, how about that cutie-bear Fred shooting too?



'Tis a strange and funny and sweet life, eh?

Hope you’re doing well–

Love,
Tara B.

Finally. One week later. A WHOLE NIGHT’S SLEEP!!!!

I went to bed at 7:30PM and didn’t wake up until 7:10AM!!!!

A typical “long” night’s sleep for me is six hours. Maybe seven.
But almost 12 hours of sleep???

Oh oh oh ... I can’t TELL you have different I feel now.

Thank God for rest. I am so grateful.

"Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:6-8

Blessed Thursday, all!

This IS the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Yours,
Tara B.

Today was not what I thought it would be ... not what I planned ...
But it was truly a day of grace.

Fred took a vacation day off from work so that he could help me with the redesign of my website, the implementation of various online forms (to streamline events and cases), and to help me with the post-production work on my dvd project.

A friend took Sophie for the day and I thought that Fred and I would connect relationally and then, from that place of spiritual and emotional renewal, we would get as much “work” done as possible. (But I knew we had a LOT more work to do than we could ever actually get done in one day–so my expectations in that regard were fairly modest.)

Fred was, from the MOMENT the day started, like an athlete off of the blocks in a RACE to GET AS MUCH DONE AS POSSIBLE. As much WORK done as possible, that is–not this whole “relational bonding / reconnect with my wife / help us both become more spiritually-centered so that our work on these projects would have a sweetness of right worship, etc. etc.”

Yeah. Nice, huh? A day to work on (hopefully!) Christ-exalting, love of God & love of neighbor-encouraging, ministry projects and we start off with a CONFLICT. Ergh!

But doesn’t it often happen that way?

- Our best efforts for a special birthday party–but something goes wrong and there’s CONFLICT.

- We think we have everything covered for some ministry event at church–but then BLAM. Something falls through. Someone messes up. Miscommunication. CONFLICT.

- We try and we try and we TRY ... but someone is still hurt/let down.

Sophie’s learning a new phrase these days (it’s especially helpful when someone accidentally bonks into her or hurts her in some way):

"Oh well! That’s life in a FALLEN WORLD."

Amen, sister. Preach it.

It really IS life in a fallen world.
Never going to be “perfect.”
Rarely going to live up to our expectations/desires.
Often filled with uncomfortable situations and pain.

And yet ... and yet ... and yet ...

There truly IS grace for the day!

Let me tell you about a few of the faces of grace for me today:

- Fred persevering in working so hard. Pretty much chained to his laptop ALL DAY LONG. Serving serving serving. (Were we all smooshy-mooshy-lovey-dovey-FEELING like SOME days? Nope! But OH! There was love. There was grace.)

- Our friends offering–spontaneously–to take Sophie for an OVERNIGHT so that we could continue working past 5:00PM. Now ... we’re not a sleepover family. We’re really not. (A CREEPY, horrible experience sleeping over at a “friend's” house in junior high involving her drunk father and inappropriate touching has absolutely cured me of THAT for well, ever.) But for Safe Side Friends? The kind of friends who we would, in all actuality, trust to be Sophie’s GUARDIANS were we to die? A sleepover with them? Sounds like fun! So we said, “Sure!” But we fully expected a call ... and it came around 9:00PM.

- So grace for me looked like an OCEAN OF LOVE inside of my heart as I happily jumped in my freezing car with my Golden in the seat next to me and ZOOMED across town at 9:00 “just to visit” Sophia. (I had told her on the phone that I would be happy to come and take her home or happy to just come and cuddle for a little visit. She asked for a little cuddle time.) Oh! How I love that girl. I was so happy to wrap her in my arms and shnug-shnug-shnuggle her and kiss on her and tell her over and over again how much I love her and how I thank Jesus every single day for her.

- And after teethbrushing, I saw our friends tucking their two children in right alongside of Sophia in the kids' room and I thought I would be out the door (it was like 9:30PM) ... but as their little family started singing, “Holy! Holy! Holy! Lord God Almighty! All Thy works shall praise Thy name in earth and sky and sea!”, I just couldn’t leave. I sat down in a chair in their living room and just listened to them sing and pray and do one final tuck-in of hugs and kisses.

I just couldn’t leave because it was such a holy moment. I sat in their living room and the quote from PalmTreePundit’s blog tagline was RINGING in my ears: “The most extraordinary thing in the world is an ordinary man and an ordinary woman and their ordinary children.” – G.K Chesterton" It’s true! It’s true!

My mind was flashbacking to last summer when Sophie and I got to be in the home of our dearest friends (who ARE Sophie’s guardians if we were to die) ... as this little family gathered to read the Bible, pray for missionaries, and sing a hymn. I remember thinking of all of the families THROUGH THE AGES who had paused to do the same. Day after day. Returning thanks and praise to God because that’s what a Christian family does.

Oh! It was sweet. It was grace. It was that hope of encouragement / pull toward repentance and faith and right worship that I had been longing for from the morning and on ... but God provided it in a different form, in a different way, at a different time.

- Because THEN ... until almost MIDNIGHT ... my friend Aimee and I talked. Really talked. Not interrupted by our primary mission fields of serving our husbands and children. Not talking just to put together another week’s curriculum for co-op or accomplish some other task. NOPE. We actually enjoyed the blessing of edifying conversation. When words and timbre and body language and environment combine and our past experiences, present hopes and fears and blessings, future dreams and mullings pour out in a gentle dance that is REAL. INTIMATE. Not a waste of time (shallow). Not a waste of time (trying to fake/manufacture something profound).

But that sweet YES that comes when we can sit across from a friend and be wholly ourselves and she can be wholly herself and whatever topic we talk on, there is a DEPTH to it. It’s real. And the realness points us to Truth. So by the end, I was overwhelmed with gratitude that God would love me and call me His own. That this friend would love me and not give up on me (and actually even delight in me and enjoy me!)

- Her (brilliant! godly!) loving husband was there for a portion of the conversation and WOW! His words of counsel were truly like apples of gold. Aptly spoken. I heard them and I am continuing to hear them. Oh! I am so grateful for wise and godly pastors to shepherd and lead me as a Christian disciple, a wife, a mother, a friend.

I finally headed home just before midnight ... tucking my Golden under a Princess blanket and rubbing her back to warm her up (I hadn’t anticipated a long visit or else I wouldn’t have left her to grow SO COLD in our little economy car). Got home. Put away laundry and tried to go to sleep ... but it’s 2AM and I’m still up, so here’s another 2AM blog entry.

I know I’m never at my best at 2AM ... but mostly, I just wanted to return thanks to God ... for Fred and his faithful service; for God giving me grace to get to work and work hard (even though I didn’t “feel” like it); for spiritual and emotional encouragement from friends; from Christ Himself, my Brother, Who has made a way for me to be right with God the Father. This is my only hope and my highest confidence.

May Christ be lifted up!
Praise His Holy Name!

Sending you love from a slightly-chilled middle-of-the-night gal (should’ve grabbed that ROBE!) who HOPES that there might be little more sleep for her in here someplace tonight.

Yours,
Tara B.

Sorry I never got around to posting today!

The day started out very early for me as I was up at 2AM (again) and when 6AM rolled around, I just got dressed and headed out the door to friend/prayer group.

I was tempted not to go because it is SO COLD and I was SO tired. But I’m so glad I went. I just LOVE those ladies and it’s such a good way to start the day/week.

I entered my friend’s house at 6:30AM grouchy and pretty much focused on SELF (so having a pity pot party for no apparent reason) ... and left at 7:30AM with a grateful and hopeful and happy heart. Not bad.

Arriving home, I had just a few minutes to help Sophie and Fred into their days ... wrapped up breakfast, got Soph dressed for “school” and then went outside to stand in the heavily falling snow.

(Apparently Sophie’s ZEBRA really wanted to play in the snow too. )



Then I was off to the races to be efficient and effective tackling BIG HUGE PROJECTS all day long. My friends were so generous to help me by taking care of Sophia and God was so gracious to help me to work hard. It was a very good day.

THEN I (tried to) transform our little home into a Mexican Fiesta to celebrate our dear friends who are missionaries and who are soon leaving us to go back to Mexico to continue their church planting / seminary founding mission. (We miss them already!)





(Doesn’t that last picture’s (unintentional) juxtaposition of the PINATA and Dr. Tripp’s new book (A QUEST FOR MORE) crack you up? Does anything show our self-focused-little-mini-kingdoms-unto-themselves HEARTS like a Pinata?!)

Oh–and the pinata was a big hit ... INSIDE OF OUR TINY HOME. I mention this because I really wanted it to be done out in the garage and I “lobbied” Fred for that idea more than a few times last week. I just COULDN’T see how it could work inside–and I had big ol' images of big ol' dents in our walls and broken paintings/statues from our dining room/living room too.

BUT ... Fred said he had a plan and he was insistent. Thankfully–and this is truly a GRACE of God–I didn’t fight it. I said, “OK. You’re in charge of the pinata hanging and game.” And I thought, “Hope this works.”

And it did. (Good job Fred.)



Well–it’s late and I’m wiped. Hope you rest well and I’ll see you tomorrow!

With joy,
Tara B.

Just found World on the Web and I wanted to be sure that you all knew about it.

Even more Andree Seu! Wow! We are a blessed lot.

Thanks, World!
And thanks, Andree! You minister so much grace to us all.

Happy Friday–

Love,
Tara B.

PS
In Andree’s recent post, one of the commenters ("Joel Mark") put in two FANTASTIC Bonhoeffer quotes:

“You can only learn what obedience is by obeying. It is no use asking questions; for it is only through obedience that you can come to learn the truth.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer. The Cost of Discipleship (1937).

“Realization is not our goal, participation is.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together.

My friend Sarah Joy just OOZES wisdom. I love interacting with her because I’m always encouraged AND I learn stuff too.

Recently she made a passing comment in an email that I don’t think she’d mind me sharing (let me know if you do, Sarah Joy! ) ...

Reflecting on the HOORAY-ness aspect of my touching yeast (she was the friend who emailed me the pretzel recipe), she mentioned how she is learning more and more to say, instead of “I don’t know how to do that!” ... “Can you teach me?”

She said it’s a great way to start friendships with older women in the church who are (in her words), “amazingly talented yet often content to sit on the sidelines. Even if I get the project completely wrong, the time we spent together is life-changing.”

So much wisdom (and humility! wisdom is humble!) in one little question:

"Would you please teach me how to do that? I would love to learn from you."

Thanks, Sarah Joy!

And lovies and hugs to all of your wonderful children too!!

Yours,
Tara B.

I had an unexpected blessing yesterday ... I got to accompany our church’s Christmas choir!

This is REALLY REALLY fun for me ... although I must admit that it took a few minutes to warm up that part of my brain that knows how to subdivide and play in keys with six flats (including some horrible monstrosity of a melody that included a B double flat–I mean really! Does the universe need a song with a B DOUBLE FLAT?!? I think not).

It hit me on the way home (as I was tempted to worry about whether I was relationally inept when the choir director came over to me during the rehearsal and asked if I could sight read a certain piece–I glanced at it, no prob, and went and accompanied it ... but THAT was before the crazy key signature piece and then the “changes meter every other measure with really kooky syncopated rhythms” piece) ...

God really blessed me with the gift of music in junior high, high school, and college. Not only did I get to receive the encouragement of godly men like Mike Fiske (high school band director) and James Lambrecht (college symphonic band director), I also got to study with godly women like Sharon Kleinhuizen-Jensen and be befriended by their spouses too.

PLUS, I really think God used MUSIC to TRAP my (prone to depression/melancholy? bipolar? mentally ill? tempted to unbelief and faithlessness? A.D.D.? just Tara) “Tara Brain” and give it something to do so that I could survive my teenage/early adult years (parents divorce, mom’s suicide attempt, finding a way to go to college without a lot of parental guidance/support, etc. etc.).

Besides all that ... I REALLY LOVE IT. It was so much fun to play (even poorly!) the french horn in a Mahler symphony! It was a BLAST to accompany choirs, swing choirs, musicals, jazz bands, cello recitals, flute recitals, vocalists, etc. I loved the friends I met and I loved working in ensembles. I loved trying hard at something, working hard for hours and hours ... and actually getting to do it well.

(One of my all-time favorite memories from college was having the PRIVILEGE of accompanying an African-American woman named Libby who sang RIDE ON KING JESUS for a Black Lit class Dr. Paul Olsen—truly one of the best teachers in the entire WORLD—the way it was MEANT to be sung. I mean she knocked the RAFTERS down and I could’ve accompanied her every day for the rest of my LIFE.)

(Ooooooh … this is good motivation to PRACTICE this week so that I can serve even better at next week’s rehearsal.)

So what about YOU? What do YOU enjoy? REALLY enjoy?

At friend/prayer group this morning one of the ladies REGALED us with stories of her (NO JOKE!) cross-country skiing and SHOOTING adventures / competition on Thanksgiving morning. She is a sweet, gentle, lovely Christian gal who serves her husband, children, and church well ... AND she can, apparently, ski for miles and shoot targets WAY FAR AWAY in -4 degree weather.

AND she loves it. Lights up her happy place SO FUN loves it.

Another of the ladies this morning said that our pastor and his wife had them (and their nine? ten?) children over for dinner and asked all of them what THEY enjoyed doing and she really had to pause. She explained that she was VERY happy in her life–but her day didn’t allow for much “just for fun / I really ENJOY this” time. Her season of life is such that just the SURVIVAL/daily tasks really take up the time.

But she did come up with creative things like art projects, sewing projects, anything tangible that she could create with her hands.

(I found this so endearing because, OF COURSE, things like art & sewing give me minor anxiety attacks.)

So again I ask: What about you? What do you do that you really really ENJOY?

Not that we LIVE for our pleasure, of course ... but just as C.S. Lewis reminds us so often in his letters and essays ... it’s good and even NECESSARY to have REDEMPTIVE REST. Relaxing, edifying, ENJOYABLE rest.

And I bet that a lot of us would be like my friend and sort of gulp or pause or just have no idea. Initially.

But it WILL come to us.

Mine? I’m realizing how much I really do love to play the piano.
I LOVED jumping in and trying to help in Hawaii when the accompanist didn’t make it back from the break in time (Hi Anne! ) ... what a blast!

Oooooh—this reminds me of a great Ajith Fernando essay. He’s already given me permission to post it, so I’ll go dig it up for you guys now.

THEN, I have to GET BACK TO “REAL” WORK. Soph’s at my friends' homes ALL DAY so that I can a) get interviewed by a magazine (in about 45 minutes) and b) work on my DVD study guide.

(Sophie was so cute in our Bible and prayer time this morning. After thanking God for “His Justice” and “His Holy”, she prayed for Fred at work and then prayed, “Thank You God for the blessing of getting to go to such WONDERFUL places as Aunt Sarah’s and Mrs. Dunn’s. And please help Mommy to do a good job and get her work done.” Sweet.)

Here’s to hoping I do a good job and get my work done.

Oh, and I think I’ll “reward” myself with practice times at the piano as I make various goals. (Do you guys ever do that? Set goals and then give yourself little treats/rewards like getting to check email or walking the dog or whatever?)

Love ya and blessings!
– Tara B.

PS
We got to go to see The Nutcracker with our friends yesterday! It was SO FUN. I thought Sophie would grow bored after a few minutes, so I assumed we’d leave after an hour or so. But she was ENSORCELLED! Entranced. She leaned forward the entire time; kept asking about “Fritz” and “Clara” and “her Nutcracker”; had to RE-LIVE the entire thing for Fred by DANCING out the various scenes to our CDs when we got home ... even dreamed about “the bad mouse king” and “the chase sequence” (her words).

What a privilege to get to take the girls! They even worse their matching dresses (with little pink ballet shoes embroidered on them) and got cute little Clara/Nutcracker ornaments:

WELL ... how was your Thanksgiving?

Quoting my hubby (who reflected on this very point with me at the end of the day) ... on one level, I could report that we had some sort of a “lovely Currier & Ives day” replete with a church service, a yummy feast, and family time putting up decorations.

Seriously. That would be true. Absolutely true–but not the ENTIRE truth.

Just like one of our elders shared in our Thanksgiving church service during the prayer/praise time ... the “face” that we can so easily put “out there” for church / the world / even our friends can be “so true” and yet only a PORTION of the truth. (He shared how grateful he was for God’s compassion and forgiveness for his oft' black heart ... and especially how grateful he was for the compassion and forgiveness that his wife and children lavish on him when how he lives at HOME is so drastically different from the “face” he can put on at church or even at work.)

You know what I keep thinking? It keeps running around in my head:

Total depravity–it’s not just an idea. Not just some theological nuance. I live it and see it every single day–and if you’re honest, you do too.

But God always gives us more grace.
Grace upon grace.
Forgiveness because He is just–and His just wrath has already been poured out on Jesus.
Compassion because it is His character to be compassionate.

This is very, very good news.

I’ll go ahead and post some “Currier & Ives Pics it Aint'” photos when I have a few minutes ...
It really was a good day.
Some ups. Some downs. We were really really grouchy–AND we laughed so hard with true joy.

Sort of like life.

Hope you get some time to rest and be refreshed!

Grace to you–

With love,
Tara B.

As we were waiting on the airplane at the gate Saturday night, Sophie was (as usual) devouring the safety card from the “seatback in front of you.” (She loves that thing! Has it memorized. Can tell you exactly what needs to be done in case of an emergency, right down to removing your shoes and JUMPING onto the slide (not scootching onto it) and how mommies put THEIR masks on first “before assisting others.” Anything with one of those little pictures? She’s ON it.)

Sophie is very funny about safety stuff. She’s a happy, dancing, giggling little kid and she’ll pretty much try anything as long as her “Safe Side Adult” says it’s wise. But she also listens SO attentively to things and reads EVERYTHING.

(Here’s another example – Fred took her downtown in Chicago last week via the el. ("Elevated Train"–our subway system only it’s above ground/elevated.) She asked him to read ALL of the little safety signs by the door and actually listened to the safety announcements there too. (Honestly? I didn’t even know they had safety announcements, so soundly have I blocked them all these years.) So after Navy Pier, the huge ferris wheel, the Children’s Museum, etc., she came home to my sister’s and told us ALL about ... well ... how you don’t EVER touch the tracks ("because they have ELECTRICITY!"), how you usually stay in your car, but if there is an emergency, it is OK to move to another train car, etc. etc. So funny–and quirky.

But THIS little comment (made while we were on the plane at the gate on the runway) truly ministered to me ...

She was watching a repairman do something with the WING of the plane next to us and then she said:

"Look, Mom! That man is fixing the airplane!" (So I asked her whether she thought that just ONE person could work hard and keep us safe and make a plane FLY. She replied ...)

“No! It takes a whole TEAM!” (We talk a lot about teams / team effort / persevering in our home.)

“That’s right,” I said. “Hundreds of people work SO HARD to keep us safe and make the plane fly.”

“Yes,” Sophie said. “But ULTIMATELY it is GOD who keeps us safe. Right, Mom?”

Yes. Yes. Ultimately, it is always God.

Good reminder, dear. Thanks! You bless your Momma more than you could ever imagine.

OK. 6:30AM. Off to the gym. (I’m home for two months so there are really no excuses for me not to work out!)

Remember–it is ultimately GOD Who is with you.
No harm can befall you but your sovereign, good God so allows.
He is trustworthy.
Yay, though He slay me–

Amen?
Amen!

Happy, Blessed Monday to you!

With love,
Tara B.

Sophia and I had a lovely evening of travel home last night ... no delays, free upgrades to first class, and a sleeping muffin tater next to me (after reading & mosaics on the first flight) so I could actually get caught up on a few emails and get a little work done too. Nice.

But there WAS a problem ... Sophia is HUGE. Such a big girl! Yes, she’s still a skinny minny ... but she’s a STRONG skinny minny. All muscle. And I just could NOT carry her (dead sound asleep) AND her bitty baby bag and my laptop bag too. Nope. No way.

So after our first flight, I sat in the “waiting for a cart” chairs, Sophia absolutely sound asleep on my lap, bags all around me. But there was no cart. And no cart. And NO cart.

Hmmmmmmmm ... what to do. What to do. I really couldn’t walk the 20 gates carrying everything.

And then, CHIVALRY! It’s not dead. Really!

A very kind young pilot (yes, yes, you know you’re old when DOCTORS and PILOTS are CLEARLY younger than you!) approached me and asked if I needed help. I explained my plight and he said he would be happy to carry Sophia if I could roll our bags.

And so we made the transfer. Soph kept sleeping away on his uniform and he walked us 20 gates (the wrong direction for him–he was WAY to kind to say so, of course, but I knew) just to help out. I asked if he was a dad and he said no. So I said, “You must be a beloved UNCLE!” And he was.

Isn’t kindness just wonderful?! I truly hope that I walk through my daily life–grocery store, Target, at the park ... with kindness. And I help Sophie to live that way too.

(My mom always told me how kind HER mother was–always looking for the person to help, aware that the people around her were actually PEOPLE–and I have to say, in many ways, my mom was often that way too.)

So THEN–our next flight, same problem, only now she’s even MORE asleep because it’s like MIDNIGHT. And there was a DIFFERENT (still very young!) pilot in first with us. You know, I never ever would’ve asked him had the first gentleman not been so kind ... but bolstered by the first experience, I asked if he might carry Sophia while I did our bags.

No problem! So away we went again–this time, she was tucked into a nice leather flight jacket. She looked very comfortable as we made it down the escalator to a smiling Fred.

Ahhhhhhh! Chivalry. A little reflection of the good in a God-ordered creation, eh?

Hope you enjoy a blessed Sabbath–

Yours,
Tara B.

OH! How I ENJOYED my time serving in St Louis this past weekend.

It was such an honor to serve the leaders of this church on Thursday night. (Don’t you just LOVE prayerful, interesting, thoughtful, challenging conversation where your mind has to REALLY be engaged and your heart is loving GOD and loving NEIGHBOR all at the same time? I do! I really do.)

What an honor to even have the possibility of helping these men who so sincerely want to lead and shepherd their church well ... but who really haven’t had much training in biblical counseling, biblical peacemaking, and (church governance/polity/discipline) eldership. They are asking questions, seeking knowledge and wisdom, and truly striving to grow.

And my time teaching the women? Well, let me just say that (as usual) I am always the first one to be TEMPTED to think that “why did I say THAT” and “why oh WHY did I miss THAT in my notes”?!? BUT ... God gives us more grace, right? And even I (crazy ol' Tara) have learned after, say, a few hundred times of doing this to rest and trust and submit it all to God (the good, the bad, and the ugly).

But my time with the ladies was SWEET–as were meals and coffees visiting with even more people. Even my (tempted to be relationally exhausted!) introverted-little-self cries out, “THANK YOU for the opportunity to serve like this!”

Honestly. I could just never merit it. I KNOW I don’t deserve the opportunity to serve. I never assume I’ll EVER receive another invitation to serve. And in many ways, I am the LEAST likely person to serve. But then I laugh a little and rest in just praying and doing my best and trusting that GOD is responsible for the results.

(PLUS, I chuckle at the tiny role I play in being the MESSED UP person who POINTS TO all of the (still messed up but MUCH MORE MATURE/WISE than me) great and godly men and women at The Christian Counseling and Education Foundation and Peacemaker Ministries ... all of whom are dedicated to lifting up JESUS and serving the LOCAL CHURCH so that the world might believe that the Father sent the Son and the Father loves them.)

Anyway, anyway ... TWO QUOTES from the weekend have stuck with me and I’ve been meaning to post 'em for you, so here goes:

- After remarking to the senior pastor’s wife that, of course, I just say the same thing over and over again wherever I go, whatever I write, however I serve. (Gospel! Gospel! Gospel!) She encouraged me to not worry about it because, as her husband says all the time as he prepares his sermons,

"Hey! If it’s NEW, it’s probably HERESY."

- I spent a few HOURS with one of the church leaders and his wife–both of whom obviously have a strong love for God and PEOPLE and both of whom (at least to my “only got to spend a few hours with them” eyes) have natural gifts/humility/wisdom/God-centered-eternal-focus appropriate for being PEACEMAKERS in their church. This precious couple absolutely LONGS to encourage genuine, authentic, redemptive, GOSPEL-INFUSED RELATIONSHIPS in their own lives and the lives of their fellow church members. So I was particularly LAUGHING HARD when the husband pumped his fist in the sky and said that the MOTTO of Christian relationship is SO OFTEN,

"Keep it SUPERFICIAL BABY!!!"

How right he is.
AND how hard he made me laugh.

OK ... Soph is starting to stir and we’re going to head into our day here in Chicago.

Hope you can REST and TRUST GOD as you enjoy your Tuesday!

With love,
Tara B.

Thanks to BrittleCrazyGlass, I discovered a series of posts on Mark Driscoll’s Blog under the title of “Death by Ministry.”

(I also read a VERY convicting post about being too tied to technology (email / cell phone / BlueTooth) especially around our children!)

Anyway ... I thought that a few EXCERPTS from his series might tempt you to visit his blog and read them all. I really hope you will!

Please think about how these apply to YOU, to YOUR SPOUSE (a lot of this advice specifically for people in FULLTIME ministry apply to HOMEMAKERS (who are in fulltime ministry, aren’t we?!?), and especially to your CHURCH LEADERS (and their wives too!).

I assume he might keep on adding more (I found up to “part 11”) ... here are just a few lines from what he wrote:

1. How do successful leaders manage their lives?

- From 1978 to 1984, Bill Gates took only 6 days off.

- Carlos Ghosn (CEO of Renault and Nissan) has an assistant screen all emails and documents, will not allow a meeting to exceed 90 minutes, splits meeting time into half presentation and half discussion, and has to have at least 6 hours of sleep and his weekends off.

- Marissa Mayer (VP at Google) gets 700 to 800 emails a day, sometimes spends 14 hours straight on Saturdays and Sundays catching up on email, and has learned to live on 4–6 hours of sleep a night.

- A. G. Lafley (Chairman, President, and CEO of Proctor & Gamble) takes a 5–15 minute walking break every hour or hour and a half to refresh, eats 5–6 smaller meals a day to manage his glycemic levels, prefers conversations to emails, works some on weekends, focuses on developing leaders, and spends time each day meditating.

- Amy W. Schulman (Partner of DLA Piper) has one assistant from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. and a second from 4 p.m. to midnight, wakes up between 5 a.m. and 6 a.m., arrives at the office around 8 a.m., gets home around 7:30 p.m., is online doing her 600 daily emails until midnight, has two cell phones from two carriers to ensure constant coverage, and tries to turn off her cell phone and BlackBerry during meals and in movie theaters.

2. How healthy are pastors and their families?

- Eighty percent of pastors and eighty-four percent of their spouses feel unqualified and discouraged in their role as pastors.

- Fifty percent of pastors are so discouraged that they would leave the ministry if they could, but have no other way of making a living.

- Fifty percent of pastors' marriages will end in divorce.

- Eighty percent of seminary and Bible school graduates who enter the ministry will leave the ministry within the first five years.

- Eighty percent of pastors' spouses feel their spouse is overworked and wish their spouse would choose another profession.

- The majority of pastors’ wives surveyed said that the most destructive event that has occurred in their marriage and family was the day they entered the ministry.

3. What causes stress?

Stress is the natural, God-created, bodily response to external stimuli. Therefore, stress is, in and of itself, good and necessary. But the body was simply not made for the world in which we live. Our world can cause Perpetual Stress Response Syndrome, which is essentially the body’s inability to “turn off” because of chronic stress from such things as: Constant noise, traffic, fractured family systems, disconnection from creation, disconnection from meaningful community, financial pains, electricity and the 24-hour lifestyle, constant interruption.

6. What are the twelve steps to burnout?

- A compulsion to prove oneself (commitment to win no matter what)

- Working harder (feeling irreplaceable they buckle down, raise personal expectations, and take on more and more responsibility)

- Neglecting their needs (eating, sleeping, playing are sacrificed for performance)

- Displacement of conflicts (something is wrong but I’m unsure what)
...

7. What are the signs of possible burnout?

- Unusual mood swings that may include weeping without just cause, anger, or depression

- Exhaustion, nervous twitch, weight change, including gain or loss, insomnia (including difficulty falling asleep or remaining asleep, which can lead to a reliance on sleeping pills)

- Too frequent use of alcohol or tobacco, comforting yourself with unhealthy foods packed with fat, sugar, and simple carbohydrates

- General irritability, change in sexual desire of either noticeable increase or decrease

- Children, friends, and loved ones begin to feel like yet another burden

8. What margins help to prevent burnout? When we push our bodies, schedules, minds, and budgets to the point where there is no margin, all that it takes to destroy us is one unforeseen expense, one small emergency, or one small cold. Therefore, leaving margin is the key to not being crushed when life does not go according to plan ... There are four basic areas where margin is essential and to wisely steward those areas we must ask what fills these buckets:

1. Emotional Energy

2. Physical Energy

3. Time

4. Finances

9. How can I better organize my life to reduce stress?

- Accept the size of your plate and fill it

- Exercise

- Do not allow technology to be your lord

- Sabbath hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annually

- Schedule your vacations first and block them out on your calendar

- Spend most of your time training leaders

- Pay attention to what God is saying through your body and emotions

- Schedule meetings rarely

- Say no, and keep saying no

- Consider regular medical massage

10. What can be done to help the pastors' wife?

- She needs a clearly defined and guarded role.

- She needs some help with the kids and house.

- She needs some help getting to and from church on Sundays.

- She needs a designated parking place.

- She needs a handful of safe relationships with other godly women.

- She needs to choose her own friends and define her own relationships.

- She needs to see her first jobs as Christian, wife, and mother, not free hire for the church.

11. In what ways should a pastor view their ministry?

- Ministry is your fourth priority after being a Christian, husband, and father.

- Ministry is your job, not your life.

- Your salvation and righteousness are gifts from Jesus and not contingent upon your performance.

- If you do not Sabbath, God will impose a Sabbath upon you.

- A series of sprints, with nine natural breaks out of the pulpit, rather than a marathon.

- Jesus is the Senior Pastor and the church is His

Someone asked about the rugs in our schoolroom ...



They are both from Target.com and we love them both!

What a gift of grace to get to be Mama Tara back here in Domestic Diva Mode ...

I just loved cuddling with Sophia after breakfast and making lunches ...
Giggles & talking ...
(Her) singing all 66 books of the Bible ...
Our “Psalm of the Day” and praying together ...
(Her) reading a “LEVEL 2!” book out loud to me (this was very exciting to both of us!) ...
Violin & more giggles & off into even more playtime.

We are beyond blessed. Such luxury. Such overwhelming, lavish mercy!
Grace to be saved by God
put into His Family
given a home in the love of my husband
and a daughter! (she lights up my heart!)
clean water to drink
healthy food to eat
a safe and warm house
even a Golden to warm my feet as I type this.

All four of us crunch in the leaves as the sun sets in a blazing autumn sky.

This is just all so, so much better than I could ever deserve.

May I worship God rightly this day.
May the world see Jesus!
For any beauty here is but a reflection of Beauty that will One Day be made Perfect in Christ.
All of God’s promises are YES! in Christ.

Amen and Amen.

May we pray for our brethren around the world who suffer because they bear the name of Christ!
Enjoy our blessings without making idols out of them.
Be content, cheerful, grateful, prayerful, hopeful–regardless of our circumstance.

Amen and Amen.

Yours,
Tara B.

So ... remember how I said I don’t REALLY have “piles” in my life because, well, I’m just too (organized? OCD? in love with office supplies?) ...

WELL! Take a gander ...





Piles! Piles! Everywhere!

And here is growth in grace ...

I’m doing my best.
Taking one thing at a time.

Enjoyed a GREAT day at co-op yesterday. Oh! Those children are precious.

And then the girls and I walked to ballet class on a glorious fall afternoon–oh! The leaves & colors!



Violin was fun this morning ... and now I’m (slowly!) tackling piles and trying to unearth our dining room table while Sophia makes cards and does more mosaics (even in a messy, pile-filled schoolroom!) ...



Grace abounds!

Hope you are well–

Love,
Tara B.

I slept last night. Oh, oh, oh ... blessed rest. How grateful I am to God!

When I woke up and the room was dark and my heart started praying and my mind started processing, I gingerly reached over to my travel alarm clock ...wondering if it was 2:00AM like usual this week ... but nope! 7AM! And entire night’s sleep for the first time since I left Montana ten days ago.

I feel like a new woman and I am so looking forward to worship in a few hours.

"The best day of the week!" Sophie calls the Sabbath.

Me too.

We still have some responsibilities today–but, Lord willing, I’ll be home with my family by tomorrow afternoon.

Back to normal blogging (hopefully!) soon–
Thanks again for your patience, encouragement, and prayers.

With love,
Tara B.

A good day. Many reasons (as always) to give thanks to God.

10:30PM. Just back to the room and the alarm is set for 6:00AM–so I must run.

Thank you for praying!

Love love love,
Tara B.

We woke up to RAIN this morning! Actual, real-life RAIN!

Now ... my friends back in Illinois will say, “Hmmmm? Why is that exciting?”

But those of us in the oft-on-fire-because-everything-is-do-DRY-West will know that waking up to the pit-pat-pit-pat of rain (and that WONDERFUL new rain smell!) is RARE. And if you love it like I do ... WONDERFUL.

(Lilikoi ("Lilly") and I are actually sitting out on our back porch in the 6:30AM just getting light-ness as I type this. Our little lounge chair back here is the only piece of furniture she’s allowed up on, so she’s lying there like a little princess as I type. So sweet.)

'Course you might know already by the title of this blog that I’m going to draw an obvious analogy because I can’t get the worship song, “Grace Like Rain” out of my head. Do you know this song? Todd Agnew wrote a new melody to “Amazing Grace” and then interposed a chorus that goes like this:

"Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away."

I love it when we sing this in our church especially because my little Sophia always raises her hands on the ALLELUIA part and sings it out STRONG. (Yeah-rah! ALLELUIA!)

And I am so grateful that, right now, this morning–the craziest, busiest day I’ve had in a LONG time ... and that’s really saying something AND I really mean it–I have a sweet sense of the grace of God pouring down. As D. Martyn Lloyd describes it, “that fundamental joy and certainty in spite of conditions, in spite of adversity.”

Mostly, I am grateful that my spirit is (even a little?) at REST as I run and run and push and push to get everything done during this season of constant travel (Florida, California, North Carolina, New Mexico, east coast again–EEK! Oh, I must admit that I am looking forward to coming up for air on October 16. Someone email me and let me know that I MADE IT–if I do, OK? ).

I am grateful that, at what is usually a season of GRIEF for me (for a number of complicated reasons), I am instead experiencing HOPE. This is grace! True grace. Even Fred is wondering at it because he’s usually moving into “take extra special care of Tara during this hard time”-mode during this time of the year, but instead, he’s seeing a not-falling-apart-wifey. This is wonderful! (And I’ll let you know–or it will be obvious from my entries–if it lasts the whole week.)

My spirit is rejoicing at the spiritual nourishment I am receiving from reading and meditating on Romans. Seriously–I’m experiencing one of those “Oh my STARS! Wow! Does it really say that?!” moments that I’m sure we all have from time to time as we read things in Scripture that we’ve read a hundred times, but, by God’s grace, they are infused with new life and conviction and encouragement and we wonder, “Have I EVER read that before?!? Wow!”

And I just have to mention that I have been AMAZED at the grace that has come to me through PEOPLE during this strange, busy season in our family’s life. We headed into it with a strong conviction that we needed to keep up our relationships with the local church and our local ministry opportunities even when our schedule was so tight travel-wise ... but if you had asked me in advance, I just don’t know that I could have told you how important it would be for my spiritual health to spend time serving and being served by ... praying for and being prayed for by ... loving and being loved by ... these friends.

Truly, we were not created to be alone. The Christian life truly is NOT a lone-ranger activity. We really ARE One Body! And this little pinky-toe-toenail is so grateful for the way God’s grace is being lavished on me through all of the members of Christ’s Body.

OK–back to the battle! Much to relax and enjoy today. Much to DO today.
Big, deep breath of moist air! (Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh—)
Must find a TOWEL to dry off my wet Golden (because she JUST tipped a hammock full of water down on her cute little furry head) ...

Remember (again, D. Martyn-Lloyd’s words):

"If we have seen our need and go to God and confess it, God will give us His own Son’s righteousness."

“Say farewell now once and forever to your past. Realize that it has been covered and blotted out in Christ. Never look back at your sins again. Say, ‘It is finished, it is covered by the Blood of Christ.’ For a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the Law.”

“Blessed by the Name of God for such a wondrous salvation for desperate sinners!”

Amen & Amen!

And much love to all,
Tara B.

Next week, Fred will teach a workshop on “Worship Wars” at the Peacemaker Conference. I would imagine that the title pretty much says it all, but just to be explicitly clear ... his workshop will discuss common conflicts related to worship styles/genres in churches.

I was thinking of his workshop and praying for him in particular last night because I was overwhelmed with gratitude and happiness for how SWEET the corporate worship I am experiencing at this women’s conference is ... AND how sweet the corporate worship I experienced last weekend in Florida was. Let me take just a moment to contrast them for you:

- This weekend in California, I have the joy of serving a large group of predominantly African-American women. (I think I am one of two Caucasians in the room–but there may be as many as three.) The worship is Christ-centered and wonderful! A pianist who plays with no music led by a woman whose movements and hand signals never detract, but who leads us all so well that we always know what is going on. There are no hymnals, handouts, or overheads. She sings, we sing, she sings some more, we sing some more. Clapping, arms are raised or lowered or raised again. I LOVE IT.

- Last weekend in Florida, I had the joy of serving a large, quiet, conservative Presbyterian church that has existed for FIFTY YEARS. I looked around the room and saw so much white hair that I cried with happiness (we don’t have much white hair in our young congregation in Montana and I miss it!). The worship was Christ-centered and wonderful! We had a pianist, an organist, a choir in robes, and a doctorate of music professor conducting us all. We used our hymnals and sang choruses off of overheads. There were creeds, confessions, readings from the catechism, and I think we always did all five verses of hymns (decently and in good order). I LOVED IT. I did! My heart was turned afresh to God and I loved being there.

It all reminds me of a time that my (spiritual) “Grandma” Doris and “Grandpa” Bernie took me to see my friends from a short-term music missions team I had served on.

I forgot how loud the drums and guitars were! Until I looked down at these two, dear, sweet DUTCH REFORMED FROM IOWA people in their 70’s, quietly sitting next to me as the rest of the room was standing, clapping, moving, etc.

I quickly sat down next to them and said, “Are you OK? Is this too loud? I’m sorry! I didn’t think about how different this is from our little church in Illinois.”

To which Grandma Doris replied with her smile of love that always let me glimpse eternity and the reality of God:

"It’s all worship, dear. It’s all worship."

Thank You, God, for calling your people to worship you.

That we even have this DESIRE is an evidence of Your Spirit at work in our hearts.
Please be glorified in us this day and every day!

Your grateful daughter,
Tara B.

Oh! I wish I had written down her exact words this morning at our prayer/friend group ... but after I waxed on & on (who me? verbal? date mouth? “Why 5 words when 500 will clearly do” Tara?) about how God was blessing me with a renewed embracing of some relatively recent suffering in my life ...

(How, although I never would have chosen what happened; how being so long in a place of physical, emotional, and spiritual suffering brought me to my lowest place of utter despair; how HARD it was and how NECESSARY it was to GRIEVE ... But honestly? I’m having such a renewed sense that I am who I am today because of it. God has used it and is using it in my life for His glory and my good. Really. Actually. Not to excuse the sins I did or the sins done to me. Not to be a stoic. But just to live it because it’s life.)

And my dear friend responded with something to the effect of this:

"Everything goes better when you stop fighting God."

Ahhhhhh – if only I could learn how to be so wise with “5 words rather than 500.”



Amen, K! Well said. Preach it dear one. Preach it sister! Preach on.

Happy, blessed Wednesday–

With love,
Tara B.

Thank you, Florida Gulfstream PresWIC (Women in the Church), for a wonderful, wonderful weekend!

I was truly blessed and encouraged to spend time with each one of you.

And many thanks to Lake Osborne Presbyterian Church too! I rarely get to attend worship services on weekends when I travel ... and even though my flight schedule only allowed me to be there for the first hour of your service (SORRY to miss your sermon, Pastor Downing!) ... thanks to the wonderful liturgy, hymns, confessions, and prayers, I was truly edified even by just the beginning of your service.

In fact ... sitting in your church this morning, I was overwhelmed with gratitude to God for putting ME into HIS BODY throughout my entire Christian life, but in particular at the VERY beginning of my walk with Christ. How grateful I am for Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Morris, Illinois!:

- For a pastor who took an un-churched, newly regenerate, high school freshman (me!) through adult confirmation so that I could take my first communion (and who never made me feel stupid for asking even the most BASIC questions about the Christian faith)

- For hymns & creeds & confessions & liturgy! (A crash course in theology–every single Sunday. What a gift of grace!)

- For Mrs. Funte welcoming a strange, messed-up kid into handbells and choir and all sorts of other “normal” teenage activities that I never even knew EXISTED prior to my conversion

- For Myrtle, the church secretary, who always made me feel welcomed and loved when I stopped by just to say hi!

- For Mrs. Coop, the mother of a fellow classmate, who bought me a “super cool” BIBLE COVER ("just like the other teenagers had") ... she didn’t have to do that! But she did.

- For countless people who drove me to and from church, choir, handbells ... even doctor appointments!

- For the adult Sunday School Class and Bible Study that welcomed me (even though I skewed the median age WAY DOWN from 50 or 60 or 70); and the “singles ministry” that allowed a teenage kid to enjoy their friendship and fellowship ... I learned about prayer and worship and PASSION FOR CHRIST from both of these age groups (and I will never forget John & Tom & Tammy & George ...)

- And of course, for my “Christian parents”, Paul & Donna Livingston, who opened their hearts and their home to a wounded, scared, dysfunctional kid who didn’t know how to love or be loved ... and for their children who “shared” them with me (especially Cindy West–who took me home from the hospital after my mom’s suicide attempt, tucked me into HER childhood bed, and lavished prayers and love on me that I could NEVER, NEVER, NEVER deserve

God gave me a HOME in His family.

(Imperfect? Of course! Challenging at times? Terribly. Hurtful at times? THE WORST–just like all family conflicts.)

But God gave me a HOME and a FAMILY in the Church.
(And this church family is a big part of the reason why I can also have the best relationships with my mom & dad & sister today! )

Thank you, fellow churchmen, for not giving up on me.
Thank you for loving me when I was quite unlovable.
Thank you for teaching me TRUTH.
And for helping me to grow in grace.

Yes … yes … the worst hurts of my life have happened in the Church.
And yet, this I know: the Church is one of the primary means of God’s grace in our lives.
I thank God for the Church every single day.

Thanks again, women of Florida!
I hope we’ll stay in touch–

With love from Minnesota!
(two flights down, one more to go ... it’ll be 1AM Florida time when I get home to Montana tonight),
–Tara B.

Have you ever beaten yourself up over the fact that you are prone to legalism?

"Oh why! Oh why! Oh WHY can’t I get this GRACE THING?!?"

“Arrrrrrrrrrrgh! I keep FORGETTING the GOSPEL!! I am SO stupid / bad / worthy only of rejection.”

“I just HAVE TO stop LIVING BY WORKS. I do. Starting right now. I MUST STOP DOING THIS and start living by grace. NOW.”

(Some of you will catch the extraordinary IRONY of those statements.)

Oh! Oh! Oh! ... The Christian life.

We really all are such a mess!
But we are loved by God and saved from ourselves because of the finished work of Christ.

I’m here in Florida about to try to pull myself together and head to the church to teach tonight–

And Fred & Sophie are back in Montana, driving toward the Beartooth Mountains ... bear spray, s'mores fixins, and a shiny new Princess Pink Fishing Rod jammed in the back for Sophie’s first overnight camping trip!

Grace abounds.
We can’t increase it. We can’t decrease it.
It has been secured for us by Another.

Goodnight, all, and God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
I don’t think I’ve posted this “first day of school” pic of Sophia Grace yet ... yes, yes, we’re still “unschooling” because she’s only three years old, but we’re having fun!



And here’s a super-fun one of my dad, his wife Marlene, and Sophie from our trip to Canada this summer ...

Just had two huge blessings in like ten minutes:

1. When Sophie prayed, she said, “Thank You, God, that Momma never stops loving me, even when my behavior is bad.” (I just can’t tell you how much this means to me. My weaknesses and sins are SO great! And they just POUR out of my heart in parenthood ... but OH! If only Sophie might know that I NEVER stop loving her. This is such a grace.)

2. I read Carolyn McCulley’s blog on how, so often, talking just makes things worse (especially for women). Take two minutes! Check it out! She is such a wise woman–and of course she’s right (as usual) on this whole talking can often make things worse thing.

In our church, we often ask the question: "Am I confessing? Or COMPLAINING? And every time a friend loves me enough to speak TRUTH to me and even rebuke me I think, “Wow, God. Now THIS is a friend. Thank You, thank You thank You! Because even though this particular conversation is not all that pleasant, this I know: If I don’t have a friend who loves me enough to tell me the truth (and point me to Truth!), I surely do not have a friend.”

(Plus, I just had SUCH a rich time of fellowship and prayer again at our little friendship/prayer group this morning. Do any of you remember my “cream of tartar / you can do it, Tara, you can make BISCUITS” friend? Well, she was there–loving me, counseling me, helping me ... and I just have to say ... thank You, God, for this friend.)

God bless you, dear ones!

Hey–it’s the 29th, check out Psalm 29! (Sophie and I–try to–read the psalm that matches the date each day ... I figure that if she gets the first 30 Psalms engrained in her heart, that can only be a good thing.)

As we read, Sophie said, “When we say GLORY, we raise our HANDS!” Not bad for a Presbyterian kid, eh? Frozen chosen? Not always.

Love and blessings,
Tara B.

Have I mentioned lately how frequently Sophia has been bringing up the subject of Heaven?

It’s usually in the context of, “But I don’t WANT to go to Heaven, Mommy. I want to stay here–in our home–with you and daddy.”

Taking my cues from one of C.S. Lewis’s Letters to Children ... (Did you know he personally answered every single letter that every child ever wrote him? He felt it was his duty.)

... I’ve just been encouraging Sophia to not worry about it. That our home will be in Heaven. That when she pictures Heaven, she can feel free to picture mommy and daddy and her little bedroom if that helps her to imagine what it might be like ...

...Because just like C.S. Lewis comforted the little boy who was concerned that he loved Aslan more than he loved Jesus, I comfort Sophia in the truth that the things she loves about our home and her parents are just REFLECTIONS of Heaven. (Just as the things that the little boy loved about Aslan were simply the things that described Jesus.)

And it’s a lot easier for a seven year-old boy to imagine a lion than to picture Jesus ... and a lot easier for a three and a half year-old to picture herself snuggled between her parents in their bed, cuddled and held and kissed and loved, than it is to picture Heaven (which is abstract and hard even for adults to comprehend).

Still ... it is strange the way she’ll just bring up the topic. Like yesterday, in the dairy aisle at Albertson’s, totally out of the blue:

"But Mom ... how will we get BACK?"
“From where, dear?”
“Heaven! How will we get back HOME?”

“Darling, home will be in Heaven. I promise.”
“OUR home? This home?”
“Yes. Yes. Yes. I promise. Trust God. Trust in Jesus–He has gone ahead of us and He is making our Home for us. He promises us and we can trust Him.”

Or today at the veterinarian’s when she saw a kitty cat. I’m HORRIBLY (off the chart!) allergic to cats so she’s been told many times how we will NEVER have a cat. Never. She can get one when she goes off to undergrad or grad school or gets married and has a home of her own–but we will never own a cat.

So today she says:

"But Mom ... if you were to go HEAVEN ... THEN daddy and I could have a cat, right?"
“So you’re saying if I were to DIE and go to HEAVEN you could have a cat?”
“Ummmmmm ...... well ........ no. But what if daddy and I were at home and you went to the STORE. Then we could have a cat, right?”
“Darling? It’s NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.”

What a funny (and interesting) kid.
I could blog on nothing at all except the things she comes up with to talk about–but maybe it’s only interesting to me.

On an unrelated (?) note, I realized today that I’m afraid to try to get pregnant again.

Afraid of another miscarriage.
Afraid of another HORRIBLE delivery where both the baby and I almost die and after an emergency c-section he or she is blue and unresponsive and I’m bleeding out and have to be transfused and I miss those storybook first few hours or new motherhood because I’m unconscious.

(Yes, yes ... not to sound too dramatic, but that’s pretty much Sophie’s birth story.)

I guess trying to get pregnant and being pregnant and giving birth and then everything that follows is the ultimate example of how LIMITED our power truly is. We can’t control it. Any of it. Not really.

And so we cry and grieve and pray, “Lord, I believe! Please help my unbelief.”
And every single day we remember that we are not in control.
We neither uphold the universe nor our child’s life.

We can’t protect our children any more than we can protect our CARS. (Our fifteen year-old 130,000 mile Honda having been HIT in a parking lot recently with NO ONE taking responsibility so we’re left trying to get it repaired because MAN those Hondas last and last and we’re hoping we can keep squeezing our family into its two-door crampedness as we squeak out just a few more years.)

But God is faithful. And True.
And He is in control.

God bless you all and happy Tuesday to you!

I’ll try to blog later on today if/when I survive my first day trying to serve (corral?) our little church Pre-K class. (Feel free to guffaw now.)

Much love,
Tara B.

I just spent a few hours with a remarkable woman (and her two wonderful children!) and I just have to say:

Thank You, God, for answering prayers that I don’t even have enough faith (or awake hours or diligence?) to pray.

Seriously–I was so blessed to spend time with this woman ...

AND ... we MAY get to work together on a project to serve our little local church too!
(Shhhhhhhhhh ... have to wait on that one until we pray some and talk with our hubbies and they pray some and we check with some people in authority too. )

But still ...
Even just the POSSIBILITY of getting to work with her?
I am blessed blessed blessed.

I’ll tell you more later (especially if our little brainstorming idea works out–I have the feeling it will be fodder for many a blog entry in the future).

But I just wanted to say, “HOORAY God!”
And yes, Anne–thanks for your comment. What a sweet reminder that God CARES ABOUT THE DETAILS OF OUR LIVES.
And He is, most definitely (no matter what our suffering) ... GOOD.

I love you all!
Thanks for the notes of concern–hope my early morning blog wasn’t too concerning to you all.
I’m OK. Really.

And you know ... it’s not a bad thing to grieve.
(I won’t mind when it’s done forever come Heaven. But for now–suffering really is a part of the Christian walk.)

PLUS, I was thinking that someone (with a lot of time on their hands) should do a spreadsheet and graph out my “happy” and “sad” blogs. Bet you’d see like a 28-32 day pattern.

(Blush. Smile. Hah hah.)

Love you guys!
Hang in there–

Your friend,
Tara B.

Just after our Bible reading and prayer this morning, as we were cuddled up, snuggling away, Sophia started to sing her own little made-up worship chorus:

"Jesus, Jesus, He’s the Savior
Jesus, Jesus, He’s the Savior
Jesus, Jesus, He’s the Savior

God is great."

The thing is–she kept singing it over and over again with a consistent melody until she finally said, “Hey, Mom! Let’s go sing this at the piano! And I’ll play my violin.”

I thought, “Um, SURE! Sounds like fun!”

And the truth is, her little song had a definite melody and I could hear a simple, plaintive e-minor chord progression underneath it ... so as she broke out her violin and got it all set up, I tried to pluck out her little song on the piano.

(For those of you who don’t know this ... I actually can play the piano fairly well. WELL ... I can READ MUSIC–pretty much anything on sight–and play the piano well, but I CANNOT play anything by ear. Seriously. Nothing. Even when I was a piano major on a huge music scholarship in undergrad, I couldn’t play “Happy Birthday” by ear if you paid me to.)

SO ... trying to pluck out my three year-old’s little song wasn’t the easiest thing for me. But there it was. And there she was, singing away and playing away–just the rhythms–going back and forth from her E string to her A string. (She’s still at the “Pre-Twinkle” stage of Suzuki violin, so playing actual NOTES is very hard.)

Still ... her little “E's” and “A's” made a sweet tenor line to our impromptu corporate worship this morning.

Sophia Grace Barthel
Opus 1
August 3, 2007

I am a blessed Mama.

Hope your Friday is off to a great start, too!

Sending you love,
Tara B.

PS
Another one of her little “make up her own words and melodies” little songs this morning would’ve been SO fun to capture, but it was a one-timer and I couldn’t really figure out the melody. I thought the words might bless you, though, so here they are:

"Jesus was a little baby
laying in the hay
and glory, glory, GLORY
to God the Father."

PPS
It’s Friday afternoon and I just glanced at this blog entry and saw that–in my entry this morning–I spelled the word, “plaintive” (meaning: mournful, sad, nostalgic, lamenting, melancholic) with the word, “plaintiff” (the legal term for the applicant/claimant who petitions the court in a civil case). SO FUNNY, eh? I guess even though I rarely access those portions of my “Tara the Lawyer” brain any more (occasional arbitration hearings and helping friends with estate planning stuff), they are still in there. Just thought I’d give you a chuckle with my Friday-afternoon-edit-explanation. Love to all! – tkb

Just a note to thank you all for persevering during my brief blogging hiatus/posting of old stuff to try to give you something to read and think about.

(I particularly appreciated the encouraging notes and prayers! Sometimes life can just FEEL so lonely–even though we are blessed with all we need in Christ and then we overflow with blessings in the Body. But oh! Those pesky FEELINGS ... they can be quite a drag, eh?)

Anyway ... we’re back, unpacked, and looking ahead to the week as I try to line up playdates and opportunities to serve friends and uninterrupted time to work on dvd editing & homeschooling schedules, etc. etc. etc.

(Oh yeah–did I tell you that we officially passed on the Christian preschool for Sophie for the fall? I’m going to keep her home, keep doing what we’re doing re: Bible, reading, violin, logic, French, writing, Art ... and TRY to be more diligent on that pesky ol' MATH! )

AND I’m also hoping to serve some of our church’s families with “Pre-K” kids in our Homeschooling Co-Op once a week too.

(!!! Tara??? !!! Me??? Work with CHILDREN??? Are you KIDDING? Do you HEAR the scary music??? How is this EVER going to POSSIBLY work???!!!??? Those of you who know me must be LAUGHING at the thought ... but, well, we’ve prayed. Talked. Sought counsel. Prayed some more ... and there you have it. I’m doing a “scope and sequence” and trying my best. AND trying to not have a panic attack too. If ONLY I just had something SIMPLE to do like spontaneously talk to a group of 5,000 people with no prep time or organize a HUGE chaotic project or something. But no ... there I’ll be ... Tara. Children. Trusting that God is with me. Doing my best. Eek!)

Fred took Sophie fishing for the first time yesterday, so I’ll to post some pics as soon as I can.

My heart is burdened! I’m in a dark place.
So I’m trying to remember one true thing about Who God is (and one true thing about who I am in Christ).
I’m trying to do just the ONE next thing and not just hide and give up.

Oh–I wonder what it would be like to live life in my “steady-Freddy's” heart and mind?
No huge swings of mood or emotion.
Not tempted to despair on a (fairly) regular basis.

But God knows best, right?
(He does! He does!)

So let’s worship HIM.

God bless and Happy Saturday!

Yours,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

Learning to laugh at our imperfections ...
So yesterday I had the strange experience of actually feeling that (lovely!) sense of accomplishment that I had actually accomplished something!

(Those of you with toddlers know what I mean, right? The days of having a goal; setting a schedule; keeping the schedule; and accomplishing the goal seem VERY VERY far away, don’t they?)

It had to do with a project I was doing for our church’s small group ministry ... We really needed some new “song books” for use in our small groups. (The old ones were missing a bunch of songs we’re singing now; they didn’t have many hymns; and they were not organized in any way–not alphabetized, no table of contents–so it was really hard to find stuff.)

So Fred and I sat for like an hour Sunday night and figured out what songs to keep / get rid of / add. We found the words & music. We organized. We alphabetized. And we were all set for me to go to the church Monday morning to get the copies “just right,” add a table of contents, add page numbers, etc. etc.

Sophie did great for over TWO HOURS as I organized and copied at the church office. Our church secretary was a dear to let Sophie play/color while I worked. And I left with NEW SONG BOOKS. Hooray!

Seriously–HOORAY!

Every time I looked at the song books at my home I thought, “Yes. Well done, Tara. Good job! These might actually help/bless our little small group. You’ve procrastinated doing it for two years–but now you’ve done it. It’s done and that’s great.”

UNTIL ...
(scary music ...)

In our family devotions last night, Fred and Sophie asked where the song, “I am God” was. (It’s Sophie’s favorite because Fred sings lead for it on our worship team’s CD.) “It’s in there,” I replied. “It has to be.”

Except, of course, IT WASN’T.
(!!)

And while we were perusing the (snazzy!) Table of Contents looking for it, we noticed this strange alphabetizing:

- Here I Stand!
- His Grace is Sufficient
- In Christ Alone
- How Deep the Father’s Love
- I Will Praise Him Still
- I Will Seek You Earnestly (Psalm 63)

Now, I’m no college graduate. (Wait, yes I am. And two graduate degrees too, right? I know they’re in a box somewhere under a bed ... )

But do YOU think that having H’s and then I’s and then H’s again is a TEXT BOOK way of alphabetizing??????

(!! Aarrrrrggghhhh !!)

So all of a sudden my FEELING GOOD went to FEELING STUPID. From total success to utter failure. Again.

(I was really bummed out.)

So where is the gospel in all of that?

I guess one thing is that I really see how I am a WRETCHED “PERFECTIONIST” who of course can’t measure up. Really. I can’t. Not in any area of life. Perfection is just NEVER going to happen. Well, not until Glory.

But I push myself and then I’m sorely disappointed and GRACELESS to myself. And this is NOT how I want to be.

I thought ... “What if this were Sophie? Would I want her to beat herself up over a mistake (or two)? Of course not!”

You know what we say ALL the time in our household? “Good try, honey. Way to persevere. Mistakes happen. No biggie. Let’s try again. Would you like some help? Let’s work together as a team! Boy, we’re a good team, aren’t we?”

I say this to Sophie ... but you know what? The grace of God calls me to say the same thing to myself:
“Nice try, Tara. Not perfect. But you gave it your best and really tried to bless. Now let it go. Laugh at the H’s & I’s & H’s again. Let it remind you of your imperfections and MY perfect love for you. No biggie. Way to persevere. I love you.”

You know–I am going to bed tonight thinking about how grace covers not only SINS but just our FALLENNESS too.

Thank You, God, for your perfect mercies and your blood-bought grace.

Much love to you all–

Your friend,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

Presuming the Worst

I get to go home today! Yippppeee! Eleven days away from Fred & Sophie is just way too long and I don’t think we’ll be quickly wading into that length of a separation again.

(My not being home was particularly challenging for Fred yesterday at 4AM when Sophie sat up in bed and promptly threw up over herself, Fred, and our bed too. Those “comfort the child, clean up the mess, try to get everyone back to sleep” times go better with both parents around. Plus, to quote Fred in his typical understated and funny way of observing life, “Barf is gross.” Yes, yes. Yes it is, dear. Wish I had been there to help.)

But it’s been a good trip too.

My sister is creating tremendous value for her client and her company and I love to support her in any way I can.

PLUS ... we are trying to get even 15 or 30 minutes of exercise/fresh air/walking a day (hard to do with 16 hour workdays, but we are trying) ... and that’s allowed for some interesting chats.

On a recent walk, she mentioned something to me that has really stuck with me and I thought I’d mention it to you too ...

We were talking about the strength of our friendship and our commitment to one another. (I’m always amazed that she wants to be my friend–so many people reject and give up on me that I have a very hard time trusting that any friend will stick around for any measurable length of time.)

And she pointed out that her observation is that over the years, people have often attributed uncharitable motives to me and that is one reason why they walk away from me and reject me so completely.

For example: a person might see me rushing around, trying to get things done before an important meeting and think, “That Tara, she doesn’t care about people at all.” “She is SO ungracious to people.” “All Tara cares about is herself.”

BUT ... Kali says that because she has taken the time to get to know me, she knows that IN GENERAL, that’s not what is going on in my heart. More likely, I’m rushing around because I don’t want to let people down; I am trying my best to help/serve people; I care so much about them and their experience that I’m trying (too hard?) to have things “just so.”

She points out that I have TONS to learn about relating to people. That I have some ownership of the situation and many opportunities for improvement.

But she also reminds me that I am not responsible for how other people (harshly, uncharitably) misjudge me.

In her experience of relating with me for 35+ years, she has taken the time to get to know me. And she has a LOT of data based on a LOT of time with me that backs her up on presuming the best about me. And one of the reasons why I don’t have to be afraid that she’ll just “turn me out,” or “walk away,” is because (unlike so many others–a LOT of them Christians), she is committed to persevering in relationship with me and presuming the best about me.

But most people don’t live that way, do they?

Isn’t that true in your relationships?

Someone forgets to CC us on an email and we think, “I can’t BELIEVE they are intentionally snubbing me like that.” We’re not invited to a party and we jump to, “I guess SHE doesn’t want to be my friend.”

We interpret life in the way that is most HARSH toward the other person and most HURTFUL to us in the long-run.

But don’t we know that the love that covers over a multitude of sins is pure grace?

You know, my sister is not even a Christian ... but her life sure evidences a ton of common grace.

I am praying that even this very day, I will presume the BEST and minister grace in every interaction I have with every person.

(I’m also hoping I can get back to sleep because 4AM in a hotel room is an OK time to blog, but an even better time to sleep. )

G'nite again!
And joy to you –
tkb

(Originally posted in 2005–Sorry to be out of Internet contact for a few days.)

Last week I completely lost it. Internally at least – I was just freaking out. (Funny – I’m sort of feeling that way this morning too.) Anyway, things were swirling & swirling, it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get on top of anything. I knew how I should have been (calm, happy, joyful, hopeful, godly, warm, loving, patient ...), but I could barely breathe! My failures only intensified my messed-up heart.

So what did I do? I grabbed my husband’s worship music folder and organized it. Yup. Right there in the midst of the storm – did I help with dinner, visit with guests, take care of my daughter, or even just show an ounce of mercy to my husband? Nope. I sat and three-hole punched and alphabetized and accomplished one stupid little dumb thing.

Ugh.

Like a drunk to the bottle. Like an addict to her fix. A spender to her favorite online store. A compulsive exerciser to the gym. Instead of turning to the Lord – worshipping Him, remembering His grace, thanking Him for His mercy, begging Him for His help ... what did I do?

I placated myself at the trough of my idol–organizing and had a temporary sense of relief. But of course it doesn’t last. Idols never really satisfy. Not truly. Not lasting.

So here I sit again this morning–struggling with my fears, overwhelmed by my disappointments, frustrated, hurt, lonely.

What hope is there for me?!

Thanks be to God–for He sees me in my lowly estate and does not withhold His love from me. For His love is based on His covenant of grace, His mercy–not my worthiness.

Oh, God, please have mercy on me this day and every day! I am desperate for Your grace. Amen.

“The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.” Exodus 34:6-7


UPDATE


Just this week (July 2005), I received the following email from a friend in response to this blog. I was astoundingly blessed and I thought it might bless you too ...

"It would be a real joy for me to have a chance to spend a little time with you again when schedules permit ... You are a remarkable and fascinating person and I count it a privilege to call you friend. Yes, you are imperfect, but so are we all.

Tara, you are so very aware of your failings, and though that is not always a bad thing since it leads to confession and repentance, it can cause such despair when it is a constant drumbeat of self condemnation.

The picture of you organizing Fred’s music folder in the midst of the upheaval of your family member’s visit broke my heart. You saw yourself as a selfish wife/ mother/ daughter choosing to do her neurotic thing rather than “behave” properly. I see you at that moment as the little girl who had exerted such enormous and exhausting effort, desperately seeking to establish peace and safety in the midst of chaos.

Even a harsh, judgmental sinner like me has compassion on you Tara. How much more compassionate is our God? (...You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore, you did not desert them, even when ... Nehemiah 9:17b).

Tara, you have endured more heartache and pain than many of us. And yes, you must seek to live a sanctified life by God’s amazing grace. But you will never, ever be perfect. As you tried to assure me, God loves you fully even when you are at your most miserable. I know you know Truth, (and all the verses that go with it, to boot)- but I am just gently and with love reminding you to believe it applies to you too, not just in theory but in fact!

The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17"

Thank God for His mercies!
Thank God for friends. Amen and amen.

I’m visiting with Fred (yeah-rah for our Bluetooths–Blueteeth??) as I type this from our hotel in Michigan. We just finished picking up prescriptions for Charlie, doing a big grocery shopping trip for Mom & Charlie, making them dinner, cleaning up–and rewarding ourselves with a quick trip to the pool with Miss. Sophia.

The plan tomorrow is for Kali, my mom, and Sophia to go to the zoo and a waterpark in town while I get to clean my mom and Charlie’s apartment. (So everyone gets to have fun!)

So far, the trip has gone well. (THANK YOU for praying and for the notes of encouragement too!) I’ve done really well drinking lots of water, exercising every day (plus cleaning too, which I think counts as exercise because I sure work up a sweat) ... and avoiding LOTS of tempting food situations. A few “treats”–but for me? It’s been miraculous to avoid buying chocolate or snicky-snacking in the car on the long driving trips. (Grace abounds.)

Oh–the title of this post? It’s one of two statements Fred made in this call that made me chuckle/think and I thought you might enjoy:

1. He heard Ravi Zacharias on the radio today say something to the effect of, “Every job has its barn to clean.” And isn’t that just TRUE? No matter how “perfect” we may think a certain job is–in the end, life in a fallen world means that every job does have its barn to clean.

2. Some time this week (maybe at Peacemaker devotions?), someone made the statement that we are to: "Be kind. Because everyone is carrying a heavy burden." How true! How true! We are often tempted to THINK that “HER” life is SO EASY ... but everyone has burdens. Everyone.

Good reminders!

And mostly, I just wanted you to know that I’m here–blessed by your prayers–and I’ll try to blog on the road, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to connect to the Internet (especially from Canada).

(OOOOOOH! And did I mention yet that I FORGOT OUR PASSPORTS!?!?!!!!!! Crazy, huh? The law changed and we can’t get into Canada or return to the USA without 'em ... so Fred had to overnight them to arrive tomorrow. Eek!)

Maybe I’ll dig through my archives and post some “oldies but hopefully goodies” while I’m gone in the interim ...

Hope you’re all doing well!

God bless,
Tara B.

OK–we just finished our little morning routine (Bible, reading, violin, games, etc.) and I just have to ask:

Is this the same kid as I had yesterday?

I mean, seriously!

Yesterday was a day FILLED with painful consequences for defiance and disobedience ... and this morning was SUCH a delight that I can hardly express it.

How is this possible?
(I’m mulling. I’m mulling.)

Could it be that, maybe, the “problem” isn’t (only) the KID ... it’s (also) the MOM?
That yesterday I was trying to get SO MUCH DONE in such a short amount of time–that I was putting off a “vibe” that just led my darling right into sin?
(And me too?)

But that today–having accomplished a LOT yesterday (thank You, God!) and having a much more open/relaxed schedule ahead of us ... my “vibe”, my “sense”, my attitude are conducive to encouragement, patience, kindness ... GRACE?

I think so.
I really do.

This is a great reminder for me to SLOW DOWN and not try to get too much done.
(I’ve been doing so much better about not raising my voice to Sophia once I identified that I usually did it when we were RUSHED.)

Just like a dog picks up on the scent of FEAR–
It seems to me that our children might pick up our “scent” as well.
("Momma is angry so I’m angry." “Momma is impatient so I am impatient.” "Oooooh–Momma is happy, maybe I can be happy too?")

Not that OUR sin is an excuse for THEIR sin ... but I am really wondering (as we head out the door) how much I lead my daughter into temptation. (AND how much God’s grace is calling me to repent.)

THANK GOD for forgiveness!
All of this ugliness inside of us HAS BEEN dealt with and IS BEING dealt with and WILL BE ULTIMATELY dealt with one day.

Thank God & praise His name!
(I do. I do.)

Blessed Wednesday to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
I also meant to mention how HARD it was to preach the gospel to Sophia yesterday as her horrible behavior continued and continued. I was SO PRONE TO THE LAW!! It was an act of FAITH to say, “Jesus died for this sin. You can be forgiven. God is calling you to repent and He gives you grace to repent.” When REALLY what I wanted to say was, “STOP DOING THAT!” and “You’re driving me CRAZY!!” and “AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Oh—but God always gives us a way out, right? (He does. He really does.)

Remember the gospel! The indicative. Who God is and what He has ALREADY done for us in Christ.
And worship Him today.

Amen?
(Amen!)

Sophie and I enjoyed a wonderful day of fellowship and we went home with a yummy loaf of bread yesterday ... all thanks to our new friend, Linda.

Seriously! We started with a big tub of organic whole wheat berries
Made flour
Touched the yeast and everything ...

(And boy did she make it look EASY!)
(AND she “made me” try/do it too. But she was so gentle and encouraging–I really didn’t mind.)

Amazingly ... we ended up with this:



Ready to rise and bake and enjoy!

And if that weren’t enough ... we also had a delicious lentil casserole (tackling my “bean fears” and making my first casserole!) to take home with us too.

It was a great day.
Not so much because of the nutritious, good stewardship, tasty food ...
But because of the time spent in her home.

My faith was strengthened!
I laughed and marveled and cried as I learned more about God’s ministry through and to her family over the years.
I delighted in her intelligence and humility, her skills and her servant heart, her gentleness and her marvelous faith in the marvelous Savior.

It was, by far, one of the best days I’ve ever spent in Billings.

Thank You, God, for the Henderson family.
Thank you, God, for ministering to our family through them.

(And thank you, Linda, for inviting me into your home and making me feel so welcome and wanted ...
And then helping me. I really could use some help! And I think you are an answer to prayer.)

Thanks, everyone, for asking for an update in your comments! Sorry it took me a day to post the pic.

Love to all!

Yours,
Tara B.

This morning as we were praying, Sophia accidentally started her prayer by saying, “Daddy ...”

She giggled and said, “Oops!” But then she said:

"Well, it’s OK. Right, Mom? Because He is our Father."

Can’t argue with that, can I?
(What a great way to start the day.)

Hope your Thursday is off to a good start! We’re leaving in a few minutes (aprons in hand!) to make our very first casserole. Too cool.

Remember:

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’" Romans 8:15

I enjoyed a wonderfully warm and genuinely encouraging conversation with a woman after church today. (This woman demonstrates, I think, some of the most Christlike qualities that a person can have.)

And guess what? As we were talking about how I’d like to do a better job helping Sophia to develop some domestic skills (but how this is hard because, well, you know ... the thought of TOUCHING YEAST or actually MAKING SOUP gives me a minor anxiety attack) ...

She was not snide, condemning, or critical. ("You’re 37 years old and you can’t make SOUP?!")

She didn’t act shocked or haughty. ("What kind of Christian wife ARE you?!")

She just said, “You know, Tara, I’d love to help you and Sophia if you’d ever be interested. It would be great fun to do those things together.”

Such grace. Such grace.

So guess what?
Could it be?
For real?

Thursday Sophia and I are packing up our matching aprons and heading over to her house for ... well ... I don’t know what we’re going to try, but this I know: Whatever happens–whether something edible comes out of it or not–I will have taken one tiny step toward tackling a fear and growing a skill that I would like to help Sophie with too.

AND ... although I may be a tad nervous, I am not afraid.
Because this woman has already shown me so much gracious acceptance AND a willingness to help me to grow that, well, I guess I just feel safe.

I’m not afraid that I’ll be mocked or belittled, judged or rejected.
Just helped. Encouraged. Loved.

I hope we can be a blessing to her too!

Can you imagine?
Could 2007 really be the year I make bread?
We’ll see ...

Love to all and g'nite!
– Tara B.

Fred: Mowing the lawn.

Sophia Grace & Lilikoi (our Golden Retriever Puppy): Splashing in the $5 wading pool we bought from the grocery store.

Me: Cleaning closets and mining for clothing to a) wear; b) return to my sister; & c) give away.

("Interruption" as I’m balancing boxes on top of a step-stool: “Mom! Mom! Come quick! I found the most BEAUUUUUUUUU-TIFUL flowers!! Look! Look!”
Enter: Two wilted dandelions lovingly held in the summery/dirty hands of a beaming three year-old.
Me: “They are lovely, dear. Truly lovely.”
Soph: “I’m going to keep them inside.”
Me: “Good idea, love. Great idea.”)

Now THIS is a rich life. A truly, truly rich life.

(To God be the glory–great things He has done!
So loved He the world that He gave us His Son
Who Yielded His life an atonement for sin
And opened the lifegate that all may come in!

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the earth hear His voice.
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the people rejoice.

Oh come to the Father through Jesus the Son
And give Him the glory great things He has done!)

Just a note to update you all on the last couple of days ...

It’s been a good week overall.
Busy–in addition to the institute in the mornings, I’ve scheduled playdates for Sophia for almost every day (at her request) because she really missed her friends during our two-week trip.
(We even did another CRAFT on Tuesday! It was so fun and so un-Tara to do. )

AND Fred’s had softball both nights (church league)–and I’ve tried to go and be relational with the people.
Etc. etc. etc

Nothing too exciting–but a lot of people interaction time and prayer and worship too.
And I’d say overall, I’ve been very blessed.

Plus ... I think that one of the good things that this music institute week might be doing for our family is helping to clarify our educational goals for Sophia–at least for this fall.

Having to be out the door every day by 7:30 or 8:30AM really makes me question whether we want to add that requirement to our family’s schedule even just for three days a week.

(We were considering doing a little half-day, three-morning Christian education environment for her for this fall. She LOVES classroom settings and they do the Young Peacemaker curriculum there and I’m sure she would thrive AND sin and give us lots of “love your neighbor” stuff to work on. But but but but ...)

Now I’m just really wondering if we should do it. There is something SO GOOD about her just getting to be 3 1/2 and home with mom. Plus, I am in no way concerned about her educational progress ... so I just wonder.

My dear, dear friend in Illinois was so wise as I tried to hash out my thoughts and feelings on this “what should we do with Sophie’s education” question ...

As I finished “getting it all out” (btw–isn’t is just SO GREAT to talk about this stuff with a wise and loving FRIEND???!), she said:

"I like to hear around 80-85% contentment when someone is talking about such a hard wisdom issue. And I’d say you’re at like a 50-60%. So I’ll be praying for you."

Ahhhh! She was RIGHT.

We’re praying and talking to friends with different educational convictions.
We’re reading and studying and trying to figure it all out.

But when I was in Illinois a few weeks ago, I was at like a 50-60% comfort level with the “3 morning Christian preschool” idea.
And now I’m swaying a bit more toward waiting and keeping her home.

Interesting ....
(Well, at least to me. I have NO idea if this edifying in ANY way for any of you. Hope it is, though!)

OK–off to walk Lili.

God bless you!
– Tara B.

PS
I’m back to sleeping now for the last two nights. Hooray! And thank you for the kind notes and especially the prayers too.

Today I asked Sophie if she understood “the plan” for the day: play a little, get dressed, head to the airport and try to get home to Montana. (We may have some weather-related delays.)

“Yes, Momma” she replied. “But that is going to be SO SAD, isn’t it?”

Yes–yes. Saying goodbye to Kali & Fred; no more sugar & video-fests “because we’re on vacation”; adventures coming to a close.

I asked her what some of her favorite memories were from this trip and she replied:

- Climbing a tree with the Z’s
- Playing
- Playing Uno

That made me so happy. All of the “big time fun stuff” was great, but she immediately defaulted to the most simple pleasures. Totally warmed my heart.

It also reminded me of one of our nights together on this trip when we finished reading the story of Daniel in the Lion’s den for our bedtime Bible reading and at the end, when our (wonderful!) Jesus Story Book Bible (which ties EVERY reading to Jesus–including Old Testament ones) reminded us that one day, a Brave Rescuer would come and would obey God PERFECTLY and would deliver us from our sins ...

Sophie spontaneously said, “It’s JESUS! Oh, Momma ... Jesus is SO beautiful. He is SO beautiful! He is brave and strong and WONDERFUL.”

And then she started singing, “God is so good” (Momma: “Alleluia!”), “God is so good” (Momma: “Alleluia!), ”God is so good, He’s so good to me."

He is!
He is!

I truly pray that each one of you will remember God’s goodness and sovereignty and compassion and holiness and love for His children as you go through every moment of your day.

We’ll be keeping one rollaboard with us (toiletries, clean undies, snicky-snacks for the baby) just in case we have to overnight in an airport or hotel ...

If all goes well, we’ll be home in Montana tonight!

God bless you and keep you in Him–

Yours,
Tara B.

I know that our whirlwind trip is not yet over, but I’m already starting to mull over some favorite memories:

- Watching my “favorite biggest niece” (I also have a “favorite littlest” and “favorite middlest” niece) as she played her cello in her high-school symphony. Honestly? I thought my chest would BURST with pride. It seems like only yesterday she was scattering rose petals at our wedding, sitting on my lap at church, and playing dress up with my shoes (and asking me to “wear” hers but only one TOE would fit). Life goes by SO quickly. How I thank God for this dear, dear child young lady. I love her so much.

- Reading “The White Cat” and “Boniface” with two of the “Z" boys and Sophia. I was so inspired! AND my throat was SO sore by the end. How do you homeschool moms do it every single day? Hours & hours of reading and the kids were ENTHRALLED. (Seriously? I am SO hoping for a little arranged marriage with one of those three little men. They are SO ”all boy"–and yet they SO “gentled” around Sophia. It was male & female and chivalry and brothers & sisters in Christ and all of it.) I just loved being there and I have tucked that memory deep into my heart.

- Sitting on the porch of the law firm where I clerked and talking & laughing & crying with my former piano professor and dear friend, S. (Her husband is an attorney there.) It was raining hard, Sophie was entertaining herself by dancing and playing, and S’s Collie was having a little nap right in my lap. Genuine friendship? A soaking midwestern rainstorm? The twirls & songs of a three-year-old-lovie-muffin? AND getting covered in dog hair too? I mean–WOW. It just doesn’t get much better than that.

- Waking up super early this morning so that I could actually plow through my VERY backlogged emails and catch up on a blog or two. (Sorry for my non-blogging-ness by the way!) And then having Sophia come into our room at like 8:15 and ask o-so-very-politely, “Momma, may I please have a super-extra treat to watch a video with Elizabeth?” (Elizabeth is my favorite littlest niece who is playing a bit of hooky today to hang out with us.) And as if Sophie’s polite tone and so-sweet-I-think-my-teeth-hurt words weren’t enough, FUTURE LAWYER Sophia then added the kicker, “Because, Momma, you said that maybe we could have a treat and watch a video today.” (Yeah, I thought maybe in the afternoon or something. But seriously? Is this the FIRST THOUGHT you have in your day, dear one? Hmmmmmmmm ... I think it is true that videos are like crack for kids or something.) ANYWAY ... Fred got them all set up and I came down to find two tiny little muffins all curled up together under a blankie watching Backyardigans with Maggie the dog sleeping between them. Again–WOW. What a rich life we have.

- Seeing my dear friend hold his newborn son and remembering back YEARS ago when we were out with a group of singles from our church (circa late 80’s early 90’s) and he was playing peek-a-boo with a little preschooler as we all waited for pizza or whatever. I remember thinking, “M. is going to be a GREAT DAD one day.” And even though I think he may have been tempted a bit to give up on that dream when he stayed single all through his twenties and thirties, I never gave up praying for him and hoping that God would say “Yes!” to his prayers for a wife and child. God is the Maker of happy homes! And I just had TEARS in my eyes as I was in this happy, happy home.

Of course, not all memories from this trip are happy. Life is often hard; some relationships are EXTRA challenging; traveling can bring out a lot of sin; and of course we’ve had our share of “less than ideal” situations associated with this trip.

But I am SO grateful for these sweet memories–and especially for these friends.

I’m such an introvert and most relationships are so taxing for me that I think sometimes I can forget how PLEASANT some friendships truly are.

Anyway–off to the rest of our day now!
I pray that you are all enjoying a wonderful, wonderful Monday.

With love from Waukesha, Wisconsin–

Yours,
Tara B.

Sophie had a friend over for a playdate yesterday and I “eavesdropped” on many of their conversations as I prayerfully sought to discern whether I should intervene and help with the relationship stuff or just let them “work it out.”

(No big problems–just normal, "Let’s play family, I’ll be the mommy and you be the baby" ... “I want to be the mommy!”, preschoolers figuring out social skills and relationships-type conversations.)

But I keep thinking about one thing that Sophie said to her little friend and since I’m really trying to get a lot of work done today (it’s going well, by the way–headache is down to a dull throbbing although my left eye is blurry ... is this a migraine?), I figured the best way to process it is just to blog about it and let my mind chill out. So here it is ... Sophie said:

"We don’t have all the toys in the world. We have some toys–but not all the toys. And being happy with our toys is one way that we glory God (sic) and love our neighbor."

Can you beat that with a stick?

One of the ways we glorify God (Sophie at age three said, “Glory God”) and love our neighbor is to be content with what we have.

WHAT a great reminder!
Out of the mouths of babes.

I was so blessed and I keep thinking about it.
But now it’s blogged and I can get back to work, right?

(I have Bach’s Well-Tempered Clavier playing in the background and everything. You know I’m serious when I’m working to THAT. Concentrates my oft-scattered brain. Got me through undergrad, grad school, the Bar Exam, and writing “Peacemaking Women.” Now we’ll see if it’s up to the challenge of a study guide. )

Love to all!

Yours,
Tara B.

I’ve been trying to get up super early every morning to take Lili for a long walk. (Did I tell you guys that I read “The Dog Whisperer” and he’s ALL about dog walking being ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL for training dogs? Well, anyway, I read it and bought into it hook line and sinker–so there we are, walking away.)

And recently, I’ve been TRYING to THEN go to the gym for “real” exercise before Fred gets to work. (Can you see how far I have to go in my health goals? Eeek!)

But then there was today ...

It was RAINING when I woke up around 5:30. Rain that actually quickly turned to SNOW.
(Hmmmmmmmmmm ....)

AND I had this snuggly, kind, handsome husband next to me ....
So rather than walk in the rain and the suffer through 45 minutes on the elliptical trainer ...
We just talked.
(OK, cuddled a bit too–but really? Just talked.)

I cried a bit (of course). He was hopeful and calm as usual. (Oh! That Fred.)
I wondered why he didn’t despise me–as messed up as I can be–and he just let me be me, but kept pointing me to who I really am (not who I feel like so often).

I’m finding a lot of comfort in Fred’s words these days.
I get so scared! And I’m tempted to freak out so easily.
And MAN do I get frustrated with myself.
And he says, “Tara, you are being sanctified.”

And that’s it.
“Tara, you are being sanctified.”
Period.

No big sermon—no long prayer. Just five words—but he’s reminding me of SO MUCH in those words:

1. There is a God.
2. I am His.
3. God is holy AND compassionate.
4. I am holy before God because of Christ–but I am also GROWING more holy BECAUSE God is at work in me.
5. Along the way, as He sanctifies me, God does not despise me–He has compassion towards me.
6. This life is nothing but a constant death!!!!! But this life does not go on forever. One day we get to go Home.
7. Really? Deep down? Ultimately? I’m OK. I’m going to be OK. No matter what my feelings or circumstances tell me. God is bigger than all of this and all of that.
8. So quit worrying! Stop your fretting and whining! Get your eyes off of yourself and get back in the battle of faith.

Amen & Amen
(And thanks, Fred.)

Happy Rainy, Snowy Tuesday, All!

Love you,
Tara B.

Yesterday I was snuggling with Sophia and telling her how much I love her–how we prayed and prayed and asked God for a baby and then ... there she was! And we were SO happy and we love her SO much. It was great.

Then, out of the blue, Sophie said, “And THEN we prayed for ANOTHER baby and God said YES! And the baby lived inside of your tummy for a whole year. But then the baby died and went back to be with Jesus. And that makes us a little sad.”

(By then, tears were rolling down my cheeks.)

“But, Momma, is God going to give us another baby?”
(I gave her my standard answer to this question ...) “I don’t know, love.”

(So SHE replies with HER standard reply ...) “Well, I’ll ask God about it.”
Then she runs upstairs and “really prays” and then comes down and announces, “YES! God said YES! He is going to give us another baby.”

So there you have it–out of the mouths of babes.
Guess we’ll see how things develop in the coming months.

I turn 37 on June 8 and I’m trying hard to get this excess weight off. (I’m currently down 45 lbs and have another 55 to go until I’m at my healthy weight. Please do pray that I will be diligent and disciplined with exercise and eating–all for God’s glory!)

So who knows what the future holds Baby-barthel-wise?
We’re taking things one day at a time around here.

And sending you our love–

Happy Monday!

Your friend,
Tara B.

If you’ve heard me teach, you’ve probably heard me use the term “evidences of God’s grace” or “E.G.G.'s” as we call them in our church.

(I think the “EGGS” thing was based on a Ken Sande sermon at our church before we moved out here–but I’m not sure about that.)

ANYWAY ... I wanted to share with you a few evidences of God’s grace to me today:

1. While working with a (very special and loved!) friend on a big project, things got TENSE. Uncomfortable. Downright unpleasant for both of us. But she didn’t give up on me. We’re working through things and she is persevering in love for me. THIS is so good. So wonderful. SUCH a sweet foretaste of Heaven to me.

2. While sitting at Sophie’s gymnastics class this morning, one of the moms mentioned that she was going to be running to Michael’s for a “craft” for her daughter. Now, seriously ... HOW COOL IS THAT? And HOW MUCH would I never EVER think to even POSSIBLY considering doing that–but how good would it be for me to LEARN how to be more crafty? (Ever since Samara–my artistic, groovy, makes the world a more beautiful place friend–moved last year, the arts & craft aspects of Sophie’s and my life has REALLY gone down.) ANYWAY ... I asked this mom (who I hope becomes I better friend–I really think she’s great) if she would consider buying the supplies for Sophia if I gave her some cash–and then maybe I could try too. And she graciously said, “Sure!” So WATCH OUT for some pictures of us doing painted on glitter SUN CATCHERS one of these days. SO FUN!

3. When disciplining Sophia this afternoon, after we were all reconciled and just snuggling away, Sophia spontaneously said to me, “Momma, if you didn’t discipline me when I sinned, then YOU would be sinning. Because God says that you need to TEACH ME that there are painful consequences when I sin, right?” And I sat there ... honestly I had JUST been struggling with those, “Am I a horrible mother?” "Am I too strict?" “Maybe I’m just being mean by disciplining her every single time she is defiant or disobedient?” questions rattling around my head ... and then God so graciously used even my three year old daughter to encourage me with truth. Truth. And Grace. I can’t tell you how much this meant to me.

So anyway ... it’s a full day with much to do and faith’s fight against sin is warring away in me ...

But I WAS encouraged.
And I thought you might be too.

Evidence of God’s grace. E.G.G.’s.
I’m so very, very grateful.

With love,
Tara B.

Encouraged from Sophie’s and my Bible reading this morning:

"The Lord is king forever and ever; the nations perish from his land. O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear ..." Psalm 10: 16 & 17a (ESV)

Praise the Name of the Lord!
(Alleluia)
Praise ye the Lord!
(Alleluia)
Praise ye the Lord!
(Alleluia)
Praise ye the Lord.

Yesterday I probably would’ve won some serious awards for the world’s WORST homemaker.

At one point in the afternoon, I raised my voice to Sophia. (I was VERY unloving.)

Of course, I apologized to her. And this was her response:

"I’ve already forgiven you, Momma."

Now THAT is good news.

I’m grateful that I CAN be forgiven–by God, by my daughter.
I’m grateful that God gives me great grace–every single day.
Oh–and I’m grateful that my ugly heart is not my hope for salvation. (Because MAN! If my salvation were up to my works ... well .. there is just NO WAY POSSIBLE that I could be saved.)

But then Sophie reminds me every day (yeah, Catechism!):

How then can we be saved? By the Lord Jesus Christ through the covenant of grace.

Happy, Blessed Wednesday to you all!

Yours with love,
Tara B.

Just read Andree Seu’s, "Amen! Preach it!"–an article to which I WISH I could link (like I used to link to her writings ALL the time, but now I can’t because World Mag is charging for online viewing now)–and I just have to SHOUT, AMEN!

Once again, Andree reminds us that we are called to, “lean hard against losing Christ in Christian traditions.”
That knowledge does not save us.
And knowing a lot about God is not the same thing as knowing God.

(Only, of course, SHE says it MUCH, MUCH better.)

"This is a paean to all the folks who praise at inappropriate times. They know no compartments between praise and lectures, between praise and chatting afterwards at the cafe. They waste scads of time at their carrels in the library stopping over every other sentence of Van Til to praise their glorious God.

And when it comes to that, I have noticed that nothing I ever do non-interactively ever sticks. At any given moment that my religious activities become mere doctrine and not communion with Jesus, I have, for that moment at least, stepped out of truly biblical Christian living into some other mode of being–judge, spectator, player at religion. Francis Schaeffer said true spirituality “is a moment-by-moment, increasing, experiential relationship to Christ” (True Spirituality).

Where have you gone brother? ... Maybe one of you could shout “Amen!”

Amen, Andree!
Amen and amen.

And thank you for your continued ministry to us all.

Mrs. A. posted a great quote over at PeaceGals:

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." Victor Hugo

(It was especially timely because I couldn’t SLEEP last night.)

Thanks for the reminder that God is awake, Mrs. A!

OK–back to work.

Love to all,
Tara B.

Ahhhh! A little progress. A tiny glimpse of God’s work of sanctification and growth in grace in my life.
Ahhhh! Thanks, God. What a gift.

Here’s what happened ...
I was looking around my–organized but dusty–home trying to figure out what toys and books had to be moved in order to make room for our small group ...
And I saw poor Deac ("Deke").

Deac is the PLANT that my family sent Fred when he was ordained as a Deacon in our little Presbyterian church. (Hence the name–Deac).

Apparently, my ability to keep plants alive rivals only my ability to (not) cook ...
And there sat ol' poor Deac with fifteen YELLOW/DEAD leaves. Not good.

Not wanting our small group to have to look at that sad plant all night, I grabbed the scissors and started clipping away.

But here’s the grace ...
I had a plant JUST LIKE DEAC back in college.
(My dad had actually sent it to me after my last series of eye muscle surgeries.)
And many, many, MANY times that plant looked just like Deac (not good) and I had to cut away lots of dead leaves.

But in the past, I used to think:

"What a failure! How stupid am I? I can’t even keep a dumb old plant alive. Ugh! I can’t believe it–I’ll never get my act together. Who would ever want to marry me? I’d be the worst homemaker EVER!"

But LAST NIGHT, I just thought:

"Poor ol' Deac. Good thing he’s rugged–bet he comes back from this. But if not–oh well. It’s just a plant. And as Fred always says–I obviously have other gifts."

And then I went on to play with my dog and kid and get ready for study.

Now THAT’S progress!
(Oh–and if you compare this post to the one from yesterday, maybe, like me, you’ll wonder, “Is this hormones or WHAT?”)

Anyway–MUCH to do today.
Four events in the next two weeks (please pray for me!)–and that dvd study guide still looms (must tackle!).

Love you all,
Tara B.

- Watching Sophia SKIP all the way down the block on her way to swimming lessons. Skipping, well, just because! She is three years old and she is happy. (I can’t TELL you how this warmed my heart.)

- Realizing, as I accompanied our small group during our worship time, that the words to “Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken,” are actually, “Soul then know thy full salvation, rise o'er sin and fear and care ...” (And all this time, I think I’ve been singing, “So then know thy full salvation ...”)

- Having a friend invite me in for Lime-Ade and chicken McNuggets shaped like dinosaurs (who even knew such things existed?) while our kids played around us.

Truly. Grace abounds.

Hope you’re having a great and glorious and sober and worshipful Good Friday!

Yours,
Tara B.

At my “ladies gathering just to be friends and to pray for one another” group yesterday, one of my friends said this in response to our shared struggles with life and responsibility during a typical day:

"Look for the humor! Look for the hope."

So today? I’m looking for the humor. And the hope. Because of The Hope.

Happy Thursday, friends!

Yours,
Tara B.

(Again drinking from the wellspring of Puritan Richard Sibbes' The Bruised Reed ...)

"Let us not therefore be discouraged at the small beginnings of grace, but look on ourselves as elected to be ‘holy and without blame’ (Ephesians 1:4) ...

The pupil of the eye is very little, yet sees a great part of the heaven at once. A pearl, though little, yet is of much esteem. Nothing in the world is of so good use as the least grain of grace."

Many of you know that I have some, well, not-so-pleasant memories from my childhood. My family has given me permission to share our story and I often do (i.e., whenever I am invited to share my testimony at a conference/retreat/keynote, etc.).

But along with the hard stuff, I truly have some very happy memories from my childhood. (Even during the most trying years.) For example:

-How absolutely SAFE and happy I felt reading and sleeping on the backseat floor of our big ol' Tornado as our family took cross-country driving trips. (Yes, yes ... I know it’s hard to believe in the age of all things carseats (and I’m now THE enforcer of seatbelts, believe you me!) ... but back in the '70’s, we used to lie in the BACK WINDOW of cars and wave at the truck drivers to try to make them honk their horns!! It’s true, it’s true.) I just remember feeling all snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug with my dad driving, my mom there, and my sister asleep on the back seat.

- How much I loved our family dogs. They were such great companions to me–this lonely little girl who wondered if there was anything loveable in her. My dogs loved me and I loved them back–plus they were SO FUN! Looking back on those years, I truly believe they were a gift of God’s grace to me during a difficult time of life.

- My dad always left Kali and me a little Valentine present on Valentine’s Day morning before he left for work. A tiny box of candies, a stuffed bear. It didn’t matter WHAT it was ... but I can’t tell you how wonderful and special it made me feel.

- My mom always did Easter up BIG (nothing to do with Jesus, of course, but OH! the eggs & bunnies & toys were FUN for this kid!). I loved searching for my “basket” and hunting for eggs ... especially ALWAYS finding one in the MOUTH of this giant FISH my dad had caught off the coast of Florida and had hung on our wall for years. Every Easter there’d be an egg in that fish’s mouth–it was such a happy, STABLE little thing in a tumultuous / unstable childhood. Still makes me smile to think about it.

- Of course, I always wanted to do EVERYTHING my sister did ... and I have very happy memories of us ice skating for hours (pretending to be “Donny & Marie!”); playing “9-1-1 Emergency” in our backyard with all sorts of exciting rescues; staying up ALL NIGHT playing “Space Invaders” just to see the 999,999 roll back over to “1" (there was no proof–but we KNEW we had done it!), and getting into all sorts of mischief doing gymnastics off of the couches, ”bowling" with fruit from the fruit bowl, and experimenting with FIRE (I was quite a budding pyromaniac in the day).

- And MUSIC ... lots of MUSIC. Even during the worst years, my parents encouraged me in my music. They bought me a trumpet. They bought me a piano. They paid for lessons for many years–and they attended many of my recitals and musicals/shows. Again, I truly believe that having the outlet of PIANO growing up was a great gift of God’s common grace even to me, back then still an unbeliever. It was such a release and outlet for positive things in my life–and I’m grateful to my parents for providing it for me.

- Lastly ... and actually, the “CAUSE” of this blog ... I have a very strange and funny and sweet memory from high school that came from my mom ... It was after I had accompanied a community musical ("I Do! I Do!") and my mom’s friend drove in from Chicago to take my mom and me out for dinner to “celebrate.” He had a SPORTS CAR and he bought me a HUGE bouquet of flowers. The three of us went DOWNTOWN to a “real” Chicago restaurant and all the way there and back we listened to George Winston’s “December.” When they got me home, he gave me the tape. (Yes, TAPE. I’m ancient, I know.) And I listened to it for DECADES until I wore it out. Now? I’m sitting here blogging to my CD of “December” and the happy memories of my mom’s kindness those many years ago still warms me to this day.

Thanks for reading my little trip down happy memory lane!

Positive or negative ...
Happy or painful ...
Glorious or disappointing ...
Our pasts are our pasts and our memories are our memories.

How I pray that you, too, might have SOME sweetness to your memories!
And even if every single memory from your childhood is heart-breaking ...
That you will still remember and PROFESS and CLING to the fact that GOD IS GOOD.
And His love endures forever.

If we are His, in Christ ...
We have all we NEED.
Anything beyond that is just sweet icing on the cake.

Happy, Blessed Sabbath to each one of you!
I love you–

Yours,
Tara B.

Yesterday I received a sweet note from a young (yes, twenty-somethings, you’re YOUNG to me! ) woman who attended a recent event I did and I thought that some of you might be interested in my response too.

Basically, she asked what “real life” looked like for our family (regarding devotions/worship/etc.) and for me as an individual.

I’ll copy my reply below and I’d love to hear how YOU ALL worship and study and grow personally and in your families too!

Please pray for me today–I have to arbitrate a complex business dispute tomorrow and I have a TON of work to do today to get ready. When you arbitrate, you literally sit in the seat of the judge and what I rule will legally bind all of these parties. So as you might imagine, I feel the weight of my responsibility greatly.

Thank you for praying! And Happy, Blessed Thursday to you–

Yours,
Tara B.

—————————————————-

Dear [name],

Thanks so much for writing and for your kind and encouraging words too! It is exciting to read your testimony as to how God is working in your life and I’m happy to try to answer some of your questions if I can.

First of all, I want to commend you for seeking counsel from members of your local church. I totally know what you mean about not having good role models growing up—and that’s why I glommed onto Christian families in my teen and college/grad-school years. I would literally just ask people if I could spend time with them so that I could observe Christian marriage and parenting and learn from them. It was great and I still encourage singles to do so—plus, it afforded me opportunities to serve them too (babysitting, cleaning, running errands, etc.). It’s great to be in the Body of Christ!

(Oh, and in addition to lay relationships, I strongly urge ever Believer to commit to the ecclesiastical authority of a local congregation. My pastors / elders / church leaders have been “fathers” to me since I was converted and I simply cannot imagine life without their oversight and counsel.)

As far as learning “how” to be a Christian … in addition to relationships and “life together,” I have to say that I kind of “self-disciple” through reading and journaling. I think I’ve always processed the world through words—so I usually read with a pen in my hand and (if the book is any good), I always end up taking notes in the margins and then journaling (now blogging!) about what I’ve read. I used to do this on paper every day, but know I usually type into a password-protected Word doc.

I cannot more highly recommend anything and everything from the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (www.ccef.org)! Their theology is rock-solid AND they are imminently PRACTICAL for real-life application of what we believe. (In fact, if I’m not too tired, I want to blog about another fantastic book of theirs that I just started tonight.)

I also (strangely?) like to read plain old systematic theology books—although my mind is not what it used to be, so I usually RUSH to find help processing, understanding, and applying what I’m reading. (Aren’t great teachers and preachers just SO wonderful?!)

Oh—and Susan Hunt has some lovely books on spiritual mothering / homemaking that I have benefited from greatly.

As far as WHEN I read, in different seasons of life, I used to read while working out or listen to sermons/teachings. (Not any more—now I veg out with a t.v. show on my portable dvd player!) Now a days, I often read at the end of the day when Fred is bathing Sophia and we’re all just hanging out as a family. And of course (like now), the middle of the night hours are some of my best QUIET hours for reading and reflection. (I get tired when Sophie does so we often end up snoozing together for a couple of hours and then when Fred comes to bed—like tonight, after 11:00—I have a little “burst” of energy for a couple of hours. Not to say that Fred and I never go to bed at the same time! But especially on the weekdays, sometimes we miss each other a bit.) I’m also a total early morning person and he is SO not. But lately I’ve been getting up and hitting the gym first thing, so I don’t usually get much reading/study in during the early morning.

(Please don’t mis-read me, though! I don’t read as much as I used to by any stretch of the imagination. Lately, I’m feeling very pregnant / tired / and I think pretty lazy as the mother of a preschooler! I’ve always struggled with SLOTH and that continues to be a battle for me.)

As far as our family worship and devotions go … (not every day! I’m not that diligent!) … Sophie and I usually get Fred off to work, finish breakfast and clean-up, and then we have “lessons” … a little Bible reading & prayer, something fun and “educational” (she’s very into logic, French, and her “art cards”), and a little violin. Doesn’t take long, but she LOVES it. I have to “make her” stop.

Around that time, I try to spend “my time” in the Word—especially because I want her to “catch me” reading the Bible and praying.

We listen to a lot of worship music and hymns during the day. And Sophie’s “main” spiritual training (besides talking and praying spontaneously during the day—I have a very verbal kid, wonder how that happened?!) is at night. No matter where we are and who is putting her down, we always read the Bible together with her and do “Kids Catechism” (which she ADORES—if we forget, she reminds us to be sure).

(As an aside, it’s amazing how much kids can learn! Of course, only God can regenerate her heart! And all of the knowledge in the world can amount to nothing apart from God’s Spirit at work in her life conforming her to Christ—but man! I just LOVE seeing her mind work as she memorizes and begins to make deductions and “pull things together.” What a privilege to be a mom!)

Oh yeah, most nights (again—not all!), for family devotions, we start with some worship (I play the piano and Fred and Sophie sit on the bench with me and we all sing—very fun!) and then Fred reads to us from a devotional book and the Bible. (We’ve been going through John Piper’s “Taste & See” lately.) And then we pray together as a family. (Family devotions are a great time for Sophie to practice sitting still and learning to control her body and attend to a grown up who is speaking. This is particularly helpful because our church doesn’t have a “children’s church.” Instead, we keep kids in the service the entire time and since our service regularly goes 75 minutes+, you definitely have to work with squirmy little ones to help them learn to sit quietly.)

Last thing I’ll mention is the NECESSITY of REAL (intimate, redemptive, gospel & law & patience) RELATIONSHIPS if we are to grow in the faith.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been confronted and comforted over the years by friends in the church who loved me enough to tell me the truth, but with grace, and with lots & lots of redemptive TIME.

As a dull sheep who is prone to sin greatly, I am DESPERATE for Christ and DESPERATE for help within the Body.

It’s very hard (impossible?) for true accountability to happen apart from relationships … lay friendships and appropriate headship/submission to formative and punitive church discipline. I urge you to run to the Church! We are not created to be alone.

OK. It’s 12:30AM and I should try to start winding down again.

I’m going to post this reply on my blog in case it would be a help/encouragement to anyone else too. (Hope that’s OK!)

Wishing you all the best!

Your sister in Christ,
Tara B.

My friend is trying to track down a quote for a writing piece she wants to do. It has something to do with:

“... how when we die and we get to Heaven, we’ll all find out our theology was all pretty bad and we’ll all have a good laugh ..."

We were thinking Schaeffer? Lewis? But we can’t find it any where.

Without the citation, she can’t write her piece. And believe me ... we’ll ALL be better off if she writes her piece. (Talk about God-glorifying and loving of neighbor!! I just love this woman’s writing.)

If you have any ideas, would you please let me know? I would love to bless this dear sister.

Thanks all! And g’nite—
Tara B.

PS
I’m working more on the dvd study guide right now and Sophia is sound asleep in bed with me ... holding her lamb and kiki ("blankie"), all snuggled up to me. Boy. It is just so great to be home.

I’m freaking out trying to “finalize” my notes and the study guide for the dvd project:

- “This is TOO deep. No one will want to follow all of this. Why do I keep using all of these theological terms? What is WRONG with me?!”
- “This is SO simple! Everyone knows this! Why am I even DOING THIS ANYWAY? This has ALL been said a MILLION times by a MILLION people who all said it a MILLION TIMES better than I ever could.”
- “AURGH! This is too much material!”
- “DOUBLE AURGH! Everyone has already HEARD all of this and HEARD all of these examples! I should ADD NEW STUFF!”
- “TRIPLE AURGH! Now instead of two HOURS of material I consistently try to shove into 60 or 90 minute sessions at retreats NEEDING TO BE STUFFED INTO 30 MINUTES ... I have EVEN MORE!”

AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Guess that’s why, when Fred came upstairs two minutes ago to empty the garbages, I said:

"I can’t do it. It’s too hard."

And WHAT, pray tell, was his encouraging response?

"GOOD. Let’s pray."

I guess it’s too late to back out now.
Would not be very honoring of ALL of the work that’s been going on down in SC to get ready for this project.
Guess I’ll just do my best.

Good ol' Fred.
Way to remind me that it’s not about me.

Oh–and I SINCERELY hope that you all are having a MUCH more relaxing and restful Saturday than I am.



Your freaking-out-a-little-less pal,
Tara B.

I just found out that a woman was KILLED near our home in pretty much the same car accident that I had last month.

Two-lane road. Snow and ice. She swerved into oncoming traffic with no warning and for no apparent reason.
And she died.

Amazingly–a member of our church (with medical training) was in the car RIGHT BEHIND the one she struck; and four cars back there was another vehicle with THREE women from our church (one of whom is a nurse). The two friends with medical training spent a long time helping the man who had been hit (his legs were crushed into the dashboard) and they even got to pray with him before the ambulances arrived.

All of this, of course, reminds us of just how blessed we were that I just “poofed” into the snowbank without making contact with any other vehicles.

May God have mercy on the family that lost that woman–
and the man as he recovers.
And all of us as we drive these snowy roads!
You just can’t be too careful.

Sophia Grace is three years old and she prayed this prayer this morning:

"Dear God,
I love you.
Thank you for your holy.
We love you.

If you would like, please give us a baby.
Please give me a baby brother. And a baby sister.

I love you.
Thank you that our sins are dead.

Amen."

We had SUCH a fun morning yesterday as a family.

Fred took a little vacation time and came with us to violin and swim lessons and HOW FUN WAS THAT?

Sophie and I ate up the time with Poppa–it was GRAND. And I think Fred really enjoyed getting to see Sophie enjoying her little classes so much.

Simple pleasures.
Even with the hard parts of life–ESPECIALLY with the hard parts?–I am so very, very grateful.

Remember, dear ones ... God is FOR His children.
And HE is mighty to SAVE.
Not even our SIN can thwart His purposes!
He is at work in us and HE is bringing glory to Himself through His sanctifying grace in our lives.

Happy, Blessed Tuesday to you!

Much, much love,
Tara B.

Sophie likes to “read” the entire Bible. All at once.

She starts in Genesis, flips pages, and “narrates” her way all the way to Revelation.

(You should hear her interpretation of Martha & Mary!)

Anyway ... last night, we were webcamming (I’m in Virginia) the entire time through their cuddle / read books / catechism / read the Bible time ...

(Did you know that you can CATCH your daughter’s TOES on a webcam? It’s true! Such a squeal. SO fun.)

And here is the three-year-old Sophia Grace interpretation of the book of Revelation:

Jesus said, “Here is my new city. I’ll be right back!”

Preach it, Sophie!
Preach it, dear.

Yesterday was a lousy day:

- I tried to reach out to a family member during the day and it ended up being a hard/unpleasant conversation for both of us;

- Sophie seemed to have a particular knack for spilling teeny, tiny little things that were hard to clean up. Usually these typical preschooler accidents don’t bother me that much ... but ...

- It was the FIRST day of “that day of the month” and I was physically sick (PLUS I had to go to this horribly scary and, in fact, PAINFUL appointment at the hospital to have some neurological tests done on my hand ... and (poor, sick) Sophie had to be with me so I literally focused all of my energy on NOT EVEN FLINCHING when they stuck a long needle in my muscle and sent electricity through it because I didn’t want to scare her as she cuddled with me on the hospital bed);

- 'Course, the point above meant NO BABY/pregnancy, so that was a point of sadness for me (plus I’m scared about my hand–piano? laptop/writing? at risk?);

- A couple of hard things happened regarding some friends; I still didn’t have my luggage yet so I couldn’t work on unpacking and laundry (and I have to repack to leave on Thursday!); it felt like for every task I accomplished, I added TWO MORE to my to-do list;

...And honestly? It was all like a giant, crashing, crushing straw on this little camel’s already weakened back.

But then, as I cuddled with Sophia at the end of the day (after like FIVE repeats of “Baby Beluga”) Sophia gave me a big hug and said:

"I love you, Momma. And Daddy loves you. And Jesus is ALWAYS with you."

And so we go on ... heading into another day.

Remembering Emmanuel–God with us!
Remembering that this life is not our Home.
Remembering that (oft contrary to how we feel), we are NOT orphans.

For God is always with us. And He loves His children.

Blessed Tuesday to you, dear ones!

Through my tears and exhaustion ... but with Hope,
Tara B.

Hi from Colorado and Happy Sunday to you all!

Sophia and I are happily ensconced in the Denver International Airport Delta Club – she’s eating the mini-pretzels and watching Clifford and I’m trying to work through the hundred or so emails that have gathered in my Inbox since I went completely out of email contact Friday morning.

(I taught a women’s retreat near Estes Park, Colorado ... on the side of a MOUNTAIN! Eek! I kept thinking, "WOW this is beautiful ... AND ... I hope I don’t FALL OFF of this mountain.” Can you fall off of a mountain? My subconscious mind seems to think so.)

It’s been a very nice visit with my aunts and uncles. Sophie’s been (of course) spoiled silly by their love and attention and doting.

(I keep thinking, "She’s going to be for a shock when it’s just back to life with mom at home. )

Sadly (and strangely), my relatives didn’t know that Choza had died! So they were quite shocked when Sophie said something along the lines of:

"I used to have a dog. But now she’s dead."

(Ahhhhhh–subtlety, thy name is a Three Year Old.)

These are relatives who had actually spent time with Choza and are dog lovers ... so our conversations (of course) made me cry all over again. It was very kind of them to be so empathetic.

They were also incredibly kind about the fact that the NIGHT WE ARRIVED Sophia got SICK.

(She always starts out her illnesses the same way ... crying and whimpering in the night.)

By 24 hours I just KNEW it had progressed into an ear infection and since I was about to “disappear” for two days to speak at this event, and also that we had to fly home on Sunday, I thought a quick (3 hour!) visit to the “doc in a box” Friday morning was required.

$150 later, my suspicions were confirmed and she started another round of antibiotics.
(I’m SOOOOOOO grateful!)

So other than boogies galore, sniffles, coughing, etc. ... she’s doing well.
(HOW NICE of my relatives to not complain about this cute little Petri Dish I brought into their lives, eh?)

'Course now I’m praying that I don’t get sick ... especially because I’ve been SLEEPING IN A TWIN BED with her every night this week except Friday.

(I wouldn’t mind getting sick, but I have a bunch of events coming up and I’m assuming they would prefer me to have some sort of a VOICE.)

Anyway ...

We’re going to board in about 30 minutes and I just wanted to say HI!

And also give a SPECIAL HELLO to any ladies from my Colorado event who might be joining our discussion board and emailing me for a chance to win the $99 Peacemaker Group Study. (Don’t forget—you have to join by midnight next Sunday and email me to let me know.)

I’m praying for you all and sending you my love–

Your sister in Christ,
Tara B.

(This was originally posted as a reply to the above post ... but since I assume that a lot of you don’t read comments, I thought I’d go ahead and post it here too.)

—————————————————————-

FROM MELODEE:

"Okay, I don’t read your Resources page, so I didn’t realize this was available. I feel as though you’ve just introduced me to one of my own children all grown up. (I mean, it’s Jeff’s baby, obviously, but I feel pretty invested in it nonetheless!) Cool!Jan 30, 07 @ 05:36:19

FROM ME:

(For those of you who don’t already know Melodee, please let me introduce her to you ...)

Melodee is a beautiful, BRILLIANT, godly, wise, funny, sweet young woman who has been a member of our church, well, I assume her entire life.

Her mom is one of those moms/wives/women all of us would desire to be like. She, like Melodee, is smart, wise, godly, and incredibly gifted.

The dad of the family is one of our elders and is simply one of the finest men I’ve ever known. At our new pastor’s recent ordination service, when I saw this elder willingly and joyfully submit to this YOUNG man? I just cried. I thought, “Biblical manhood is SO GOOD. You can’t lead if you can’t follow. Look at these GREAT MEN–willingly and joyfully submitting and following because they are trusting in the sovereignty and goodness of God.”

Melodee’s sister is one of the women you hear about all the time from me. HER husband is our family’s elder, so, you know ... I’m his (seriously) high maintenance sheep. Oh yeah, and their family is the “backup/secondary guardian” for Sophia if Fred and I croak and our friends in Illinois can’t take her.

That doesn’t even begin to mention their other children and grandchildren! I could go on and on and on and on.

But instead I will close with this ...

Yes, this VBS curriculum IS Melodee’s “baby.” Just as she has poured her heart and talents out for YEARS to serve the Lord and our Body (through music, drama, teaching, relationships), she poured herself into this tool.

All for God’s glory! Filled with humble, Christ-exalting love for neighbor.

(I guess that’s another reason why I so quickly and whole heartedly recommend it.)

You know ... (Man! another ASIDE! I really am incapable of keeping a train of thought aren’t I?) ...

Fred and I often comment on the various characteristics of families that we pray we would be developing in our own:

- Enjoy each other’s company rather than just pretend and FAKE IT around each other in an uncomfortable and unpleasant attempt to avoid a big fight;

- Actually DELIGHT in each other and care about each other–so rather than ignoring each other until the next birthday, they stay in touch in person (even if that means taking LONG trips) or if not possible via emails, blogs, and calls;

- Always encouraging one another on in their walks with Christ–but NOT putting some sort of “cookie-cutter” idea of what their lives “should” be like on them–rather, encouraging the development and use of (even such substantial!) gifts in quiet, modest, and unassuming ways that most people would never even know about ...

(I could keep going, but I think I’ll stop here.)

All of those characteristics describe this family. AND this scholar, servant, musician, beautiful woman, Miss Melodee!

We miss you, Melodee! Please finish all your Scotland studies and world travels and visit us here again soon.

Oh–and congratulations on your bouncing baby VBS curriculum!

Thanks–truly! THANKS–for all you do–

With love,
Tara B.

Yesterday was a not-so-good day.

Well ... parts were nice. (Sophie’s violin teacher signed her up for our church’s variety show. Apparently, two five-year olds are going to play a little “hoe-down” with my darling three-year old. Replete with pink cowboy–"MOM! Please ... it’s cowGIRL ... just like JESS!" boots and everything.)

So THAT was fun–our violin lesson, I mean.

BUT ... by the time we got home, I think I just reached this point of TOTAL MENTAL BRAIN MELTDOWN I’VE GOT NOTHIN' regarding my BIG OL' WORK/MINISTRY-RELATED PROJECTS.

I just couldn’t get into it AT ALL.
(Or wouldn’t, I guess.)

So it would’ve been a completely, well, unproductive day.
Except then a friend called me–just to encourage me–and suddenly I thought, “what ONE thing can I do to accomplish SOMETHING and MAYBE get this ball rolling a bit.”

So I packed Sophia and I for our trip to Colorado this week.
(Man does it take a lot more STUFF when you take the kid along, eh? No “fitting in a roll-a-board with only my little quart-sized ziplock” for this trip.)

And I have to say this ... yes ... it IS often helpful to JUST TRY TO DO ONE THING.
Sometimes a little diligence can help cut through the paralyzing BLECH of sloth/laziness/FEAR.

So, thank you Fannie for calling and checking in!
And thank You, God, for your mercies which truly are new every day.

Love to all,
Tara B.

My brain is going a million miles an hour and I’m in a weird sleep schedule.

Do you ever get like this? Where it feels like you just can’t make your brain stop spinning?

(I remember my symphonic band teacher in college–a godly man whose family I just LOVED!–telling me before a big piano recital when I couldn’t sleep because I kept processing certain passages and fingerings in my sleep, “Tara, you just have to TURN IT OFF AND GO TO SLEEP.” Almost twenty years later and I still struggle with this when I have big projects going on.)

In addition to mental processing, I’m just laughing at the SUPER WEIRD sleep schedule I’ve had in the last 24 hours ... it started with a 5:20AM visit from Sophia “yesterday” where she said, “Dad, Mom, my pajamas are WET.”

Leaker. Yup.

And then (after a quick clean-up), 40 minutes of our muffin-lovie-bear cuddled up with me, playing with my hair, wrapping her arms around my neck, snuggling close. SO GREAT. But SO not conducive to sleep.



And then I finally got out of bed at 6AM to get ready for our VERY FIRST meeting of a new “small group of women who get together once a week just to be friends” gathering.

(If you’ve listened to my CDs or heard my teaching on relationships/friendships, you know what I’m talking about. We don’t read a book, study the Bible, or “do” anything. We just set aside an hour a week to share each other’s lives, get to know one another, pray for each other, and BE FRIENDS. It’s just SO good. And necessary.)

Pushed VERY hard all day–no rest at all of course–and ended up falling asleep with Sophia at like 8:00. But then I was up at 10:30 when I heard Fred wrapping up for the night and heading towards bed.

And now it’s 1AM.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ..... here’s hoping exhaustion will kick in and I can pray and entrust ALL THINGS to the sovereign goodness or our loving God.

And go to sleep.

Blessed, happy Thursday to you all!

Your friend,
Tara B.

OK, so I thought that yesterday’s post on “no sleep” would be my reminder of my powerlessness and inadequacies and of God’s great goodness and sovereignty. (And I hope it was.)

But now I think I can top that ...

Guess what? The city I am in had a relatively big snowstorm hit yesterday and so I knew that the roads would be icy and treacherous. THUS ... I left myself an HOUR AND A HALF to drive literally four miles to the mediation site. I figured that even if I had to sit in the parking lot for an hour, I would do my part to not inconvenience the parties or advisors.

So off I went. In my BORROWED (from a friend) SUV. Driving SOOOOOOOOOOO slowly (under 3 mph!), carefully NOT braking hard, not turning hard ... being very, very, VERY careful ...

Driving down a TWO-LANE VERY BUSY street with CONSTANT TRAFFIC coming in the opposite direction because it was commuting time ...

I feel the back end of the SUV just start to SWING OUT.
For no reason.
Seriously–I hadn’t accelerate, braked, turned ... I had done nothing.
It just started to SWING and then, of course, SPIN COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL.

Now–here’s the thing ...
To my friends who so graciously and generously loaned me the car, I can honestly say the quick story: I “pouffed” into snow in the ditch; didn’t make any contact with ANYTHING; had to be towed out; and went on my merry way. (Of course we would completely pay for ANY damage if any had occurred since it was all 100% my responsibility. But seriously–pouf. Snow. Stuck. Towed out.)

But to you guys, I can tell you this ...
I have never been in a car that spun out of control–more or less a huge SUV. (It was TERRIFYING!)

Immediately, I remembered what I’d always heard/read about winter driving safety ("turn INTO the spin! everyone tries to correct OUT of the spin and that’s when things get even worse!") ... so even though it was SOOOOOOO counterintuitive, I DID turn into the spin. (freaky! scary! SOOOOOOOOOO scary because what I wanted was to NOT be spinning out of control like that!!!)

And the car spun & spun–IN THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC LANE THAT HAD BEEN CONSTANTLY FILLED WITH CARS.
But in that MOMENT?
A gap.
A big, huge, spinning-SUV-sized GAP.

(Can you say with me, “Thank You, God!”)

And the SUV spun across the oncoming lane and it did “pouf” into the snow in the ditch ...
Except, when the police arrived, we all gasped ...
Because literally INCHES from the car, smack-dab in the middle of the rear-view window, there was a HUGE METAL POLE in the ditch ...
And the front of the car and the passenger side were framed in by TREES ...

None of which I had any contact with whatsoever.

It was as though God parallel-parked this “out of control” (but–not to be too hokey–not out of His control!) car right between the trees and metal pole.

I was shaking. And immediately VERY cold (it’s like 10 degrees below zero here).
But I was not hurt.
I had not hit oncoming cars (which surely “SHOULD” have happened).
I had not damaged my friend’s car (which we absolutely would’ve made right–but would’ve been incredibly expensive).

Yes, I had to push back the start time of the mediation an hour because even with the NINETY MINUTE “cushion” I had given myself ... I still needed more time to get towed out and get to the site and try to UN-hyper-adrenalate.

But all in all–
Can you think of a more apt and precious reminder of God’s goodness to me?
Why He would bless me so, I can only attribute to His merciful compassion ...
AND TO YOUR PRAYERS.

Honestly–one of my first thoughts was, “People are praying for this mediation. Praying for me. This is all an answer to their faithful prayers. Thank you, God.”

And BOY! Was it hard to switch gears, stop freaking out, and work all day to serve these parties well.
But I did my best. And that’s all we can ever do, right?

Please do pray for us all–especially these precious parties–as we work tonight and reconvene in the morning.

Thank you, friends!

Much love,
Tara B.

I received an email yesterday from a woman I “met” through this blog. She was hurting and asked for prayer (what an honor to be asked to pray for her!) and I wrote her back this reply. (I’ve changed the name of course.)

Dear Teri,

I have been praying for you since I read your email—and I’m just so very, very sorry that relationships are so painful for you.

I’d like to actually write something specific and (potentially) encouraging … but I can’t tell from your email what the problem is (other than that you are suffering terribly).

Were I one of the women in your church that you are sharing this with (and I hope you are also seeking the counsel and oversight and help of your husband and pastors too), I would be asking you questions like:

- Are you bitter towards certain women in your church? Are there unresolved conflicts? Who can you turn to for help with (true!) peacemaking?

- Are you just lonely? Do you feel misunderstood and rejected? Why are you so isolated from the women in your church? Are you waiting for THEM to approach you? What steps are YOU taking to develop relationships?

- What “topic” are you reading every book and pamphlet on? Relationships? Conflict? Suffering? Have you learned enough “head knowledge” such that now God is calling you to take a step of faith and ACT on what you know/believe? If so, what is one step you could take today?

- What is “like an addiction” to you? What are you so angry and hurt and disobedient about? (“If only …” & “All I want is …”)

And then I would (hopefully!) be encouraging to you in practical ways to lay hold of Christ no matter how you answered any of the questions. (And if you were too weak to do so—I pray that I would lay hold of Him for you as I carried you because I know that if I were the one who was crushed and broken, you would do the same for me.)

Oh, sweet Teri …
I know that I am not the friend there to be Jesus with skin on to you—to hold you and let you weep and listen and talk together.
But please know that you are not alone in the world!
And also that you are not unique in WHATEVER you are struggling (even sinning!) about.

We ARE a wretched lot. ALL OF US.
I am the CHIEF SINNER of any Christian I know—black black black heart.
Made white ONLY by the blood of the Lamb. Only.

I do pray for you a friend!
I do pray for you repentance.
I do pray for you a keen sense of God’s PASSIONATE COMPASSION TOWARDS YOU.
(For it is only His MERCY that ever calls us to Himself and actually enables us to change.)

Look at your WORST, Teri. But just glance there.
(Every look at our hearts, 10 looks at Christ, right? Or else we DESPAIR.)
Then look at your BEST—the aspects of your life that feel “together.”

Seriously? Compared to the GLORY OF GOD and HIS PERFECT HOLINESS? Your worst and your best are really not all that far apart.
(Righteousness = filthy rags, right?)

BUT NO MATTER WHAT—God’s grace is towards you because of His SON.
Christ’s record is now your record.
You deserve wrath and God gives you LIFE.
ESPECIALLY when you are at your very, very VERY WORST.

“At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. This is a trustworthy saying …” Titus 3:3-8a (emphasis added)

Hear the gospel again, Teri!
Repent! Believe!

(And thanks for writing me because you’ve helped me to repent and believe too.)

You are loved loved loved!

Your sister in Christ,
Tara B.

I had such a quiet, lovely week last week.

We had a little snow and the wind chill dipped to something like 50 below (!!) – so it was easy to just stay home. And we did.

(We being Sophia and me. Poor Fred is currently fulfilling his civic duty as “Juror #6” in a two-week civil trial. I told him he could just go to law school to avoid jury duty–I’ve never yet made it past voir dire–but he thought that sounded a little extreme. )

Anyway–in addition to just having some quiet time at home, I also (by God’s grace!) tackled some projects and started working toward some goals I’ve had for my time with Sophia. It was SO wonderful!!

- We started a little “art appreciation” program that Sophie just LOVES. Every day she says, “Mommy, may we do my art cards please?” And of course I enjoy learning too. (I am so ignorant about so many things in life.)

- Every day we did a few “brain teaser” puzzles from a super-cool company that develops critical thinking skills. Of course to Sophie it was just fun fun fun and every day she asks to do her “games.” Totally great.

- We even did a little violin, French, and of course our daily Bible & Catechism “work” ... just a little bit each day. And I even cooked! Yes, me! We had a “real dinner” as a family at the dining room table and everything–lots of great practice of good table manners.

I have to say–it felt great.

Rather than avoiding my responsibilities, I actually just did them.
Instead of hiding away; running away; sinning sinning sinning ... I obeyed.

And it really is true:

Obedience is sweeter.

So why am I anxious now?

- Unconfessed sin? Yes, I think so.

- Restless about the week ahead? Uh-huh. A little. (I think, "Can I really keep trying? Maybe this is all just too hard! Maybe I should give up and just hide away again?)

- Doubts? Fears? Worries? Yes. Yes. Yes. (Sometimes I just MARVEL at how quickly I can doubt everything and anything. Sometimes I even wonder if I am regenerate. Can I really be a Christian and doubt so much? Sin so much? Really? Is it possible?)

And then I read from John with my daughter in my lap:

"Behold! The Lamb of God! Who takes away the sins of the world."

And I weep.

“Not the way it is supposed to be.”
“The enemy within.”
“The Old Man.”
SIN.

But there is forgiveness with Thee!
And in wonder I fall on my knees.
My soul waits for the Lord – like a nightwatchman searches for the coming of the Dawn.

(Better than food–I was tempted to eat!)
(Better than organizing–pleasant to be sure, but not ultimately satisfying.)
(Best to repent. Pray. Remember. Believe. Worship GOD!)

Amen & Amen
(& G'nite)

Fred and I had a long talk yesterday about some of my current struggles.

(I couldn’t quite get over “the blob” of vague / gray / ill-defined “not feeling good/happy/joyful” sense within me ... so we had to talk it out in order for me to turn away from it.)

Here were a few of the battles raging in my heart and mind:

- I said something stupid when my mom was here and I regret it. BUT ... I’m not sure about how to approach her to apologize because the substance of what I said was accurate ... it was just that saying it OUT LOUD was just mean of me. Unloving. Not God-glorifying. Truly NOT redemptive. And I’m afraid that if I bring it up and apologize for hurting her–but not turn away from the content–might just hurt her more. So I feel stuck.

- At one of my fall events, I was asked to visit with a woman who was really hurting and I did my very best to love her well and serve her well ... BUT ... I’m fairly certain that this woman probably just hates me. It turns out that what I said to her, though accurate and I truly believe LOVING (unlike my gaffe with mom noted above) ... was probably incredibly hurtful. And if she is not receiving biblical help and counsel and love and friendship, she may be despairing or even growing my hardened in her sin. And this makes me SO sad! But I don’t even know her name (if I even did have the inclination to try to get in touch with her) ... and I know that really, that’s not my role. Her friends and loved ones and church leaders are the best ones to serve and guide and discipline and help her. But I still feel incredibly sad about the whole situation.

(In fact–sometimes I wonder if I should just STOP trying to visit/pray with people at events ENTIRELY. I know a lot of speakers who do this–they arrive, teach, and leave. But they don’t visit on breaks/over meals/after events, etc. Thus far, Fred and my pastors and I have felt convicted that I should do my best to serve. But it sure is hard to have such a limited–and oft understood/rejected/judged/even hated?–role in people’s lives on such important issues to them.)

- I have a big project to tackle and I’m feeling tired. And scared. Rather than excited about jumping in and getting going–I’m doubting myself. I wonder, “Who am I to try to teach this stuff? I’m not seminary trained! I’m just Tara. Maybe I shouldn’t this!?!” I’m concerned about the people who disagree with me–will they see right through me? Look to me for a perfectly wise, logical, theologically-astute, biblically-supported argument and find me lacking in my ability to DEFEND what I claim to believe? Will I let the Lord down? Bring shame and dishonor to Fred, Sophie, my church, myself? I’m feeling scared and tired and sad about all this.

- At one of my fall events, I found out about a LOT of long-time, DEEP HURTS that are still bringing pain to the people involved. And I guess I’m just concerned about them all! I want them to get help and be encouraged. I want to bless them and facilitate their growth in grace. I want them to receive good counsel and practical help and be encouraged in their walk with Christ! But I just leave the event and go home and (other than prayer), that’s pretty much it. My role is over. And I guess it’s just hard.

OK, do you see a pattern?

Sense a theme?

Sounds like I need to jump off of my high horse, eh? Because all of these fears / worries / concerns / sorrows relate right back to me seeing my inadequacies and failures and weaknesses ... and getting stuck there. PLUS, I have this FEAR OF MAN sense that all of the people listed above will reject me (or are already rejecting me!), judge me, criticize me, abandon me, hate me. Whatever.

But really? WHO CARES? What does it matter what they think of me?
Where is my identity? In what PEOPLE THINK OF ME?
Or in Christ alone by faith alone?

- Do I need to call my mom? Yup. My next task today.

- Continue to pray for the woman I visited with? Absolutely.

- Trust that I absolutely do NOT have all of the answers or the ability to perfectly defend the tenets of our faith? No doubt. Do my best to serve and love and bless anyway? Yes yes yes.

- Trust that God is caring for that conflicted church and those beloved people? YES! Pray for them? YES! Be available to help if ever approached? Of course!

BUT STOP APPROACHING ALL OF THESE SITUATIONS AS IF I WERE IN CHARGE.

Because the truth is: I have neither the authority nor the power to REALLY “fix” any of these situations. I just don’t.

I can do my best–but then I am called to submit to GOD and trust that He is sovereign over the results. NOT ME.

So ... thank God for Fred (and long conversations with his high-maintenance wife).
And thank God for the gift of repentance.
And for faith too: faith to submit this all to God and then trust in Him.

Signing off from your humbled (and more hopeful) friend,
Tara B.

We spent a truly lovely Thanksgiving evening with friends last night. They have a daughter just a few months younger than Sophia–and the girls are an absolute delight together. Plus, the conversation with these friends is of a depth and comfortable intensity that I don’t often get to experience any more.

(Especially with my “tired Mommy brain” – I’m sure I’m often far too lazy or just worn out in my relationships.)

We talked about a zillion things and I won’t try to relive the entire night for you ... but one part of the night really sticks out in my mind and I thought it might bless you too:

Towards the end of the evening, I was sharing with the other mom about how burned out I can be after a long day at home with Sophia. (Especially when Fred works late.) And just how incredibly grateful I am that Fred sees the “help!” look in my eyes and rushes in to take over parenting duties as he encourages me to just go and do anything I want–but to take a break.

Still ... being me, I often struggle with guilt over my exhaustion. ("I know moms with five and six children who don’t get tired and would laugh at me with only one getting so tired." “If I were a better mother ...”)

But my friend said this: “You know, Tara, I think the fact that we get tired is a good thing. That indicates that we take our jobs seriously and we are pouring ourselves out for our daughters, our husbands, our homes. So of course we’re tired at the end of the day–that just means we’ve worked hard.”

Isn’t that a gracious way to look at life? At yourself?

I think a lot about being wholly defined by the gospel ... about looking through life the grid of grace ...
My friend does that. A lot.

(Can you see why I like to be around her so much?) !!

I hope you enjoy a blessed, Cross-centered, Christ-embracing Friday!

With love,
Tara B.

Those of you who attended my “alumni/advanced” retreat last week in Texas will remember me telling the story of Rick, Annette & Christina Friesen. Christina was the fifteen year old girl who had spent her entire life in foster care/group homes but one day in the summer of 2005 found herself on an airplane next to one of the directors at Peacemaker Ministries, Rick Friesen.

To make a long story short, Rick was so struck by this sweet teenager (who was, again, on her way to a new group home) that he and his wife spent weeks finding her (with only her first name and the information that she was headed to “somewhere in Mississippi”), getting qualified/evaluated/certified, and then ADOPTING HER into their family. Their other children welcomed her with open arms and hearts and last Thanksgiving, so did our church family. We were introduced to her and immediately fell in love with her too.

Well ... this morning, we were blessed AGAIN by this family’s testimony when one of her cousins stood up during our church’s Thanksgiving Service and gave thanks for Christina. I’m paraphrasing here, but my interpretation of what this other teenage girl shared is this:

"I remember meeting Christina on Thanksgiving last year and I wanted to be a blessing to her and I thought that I could be. But what I didn’t know was just how much I would be blessed by HER.

You know ... getting to be friends with Christina has opened my eyes up to so many blessings in my own life that I have just taken for granted. Things I never even thought of before, now I see how great they really are. I guess it really makes you appreciate all the blessings that we have. I am thankful for how God has ministered to me through her."

Amen!

Well said, Desirae.

And thank You, God, for adopting us into Your family!
And lavishing on us all of the rights of heirs.

Happy Thanksgiving!
– Tara B.

This morning I called up a woman in my church that I really don’t know very well–but I’ve always wanted to get to know more.

(She has ministered grace to our Body in such humble, sweet, intelligent ways ... well ... she just seemed like the kind of person everyone would always want to spend time with.)

It was ... funny / strange / a little embarrassing to call her, though ... “Ummm, Hi! How are you? Hey–would you ever consider visiting with me for awhile? I’d like to seek your counsel and wisdom on some heart issues and I was wondering if we could visit and maybe, you know, talk about Jesus and laying hold of the gospel in real life, etc. etc.”

But I did it. And I’m SO glad.

We just finished an hour call and I have so many notes that I want to read and re-read and pray over and talk about with Fred.

Wow! Is she wise!
And humble. Loving. Honest. Insightful.

And boy! Am I a blessed woman.

Thank You, God, for this dear sister in Christ.
For the Body.
For your Holy Spirit.
For YOU.

I love You, Lord–

Your grateful sheep,
Tara B.

Just returning from church ... reflecting on the morning ... and as I think particularly about my pastors, I have to say:

I’m a blessed woman.

Our pastor Jason started our morning out in a Christian education class on the covenants of God. Old and New Testament. Hard questions from students.

And he was just LIT UP with happiness as he reminded us of God’s saving grace and love.

What a guy.

And then Pastor Alfred hit it out of the park (again) with his sermon on Mark 9:1-13, “The Taste of Things to Come.” It would take the full hour of his preaching to retell it all, but consider just a few reminders:

- The question Jesus asks in verse 25 ("Who do you say I am?") is the exact question that we ask ourselves every single day ("Who is Jesus? Is He Lord?").

- Just like the transfiguration was only a taste of God’s glory, we live now with only a taste, a glimpse ... and we suffer. But not in vain. And not forever. We see dimly now, but one day we will see clearly. (Maranantha!)

- The Father says, “This is My Beloved Son–listen to Him.” (Not look at all of the beautiful glory; not look at how cool it is to see Elijah and Moses; not even listen to ME ... but listen to My Son, Jesus.) What does it mean to listen? It means to trust and obey; to live by faith (not sight, NOT FEELING). To listen and WAIT for delayed gratification because right now we are called to suffer–but one day, God’s glory will be complete in our lives.

- Before you preach or teach anything, ask yourself this: Could you share this with a dying person? (Or with her parents who are holding her?) If not, perhaps you should not say it. (Oh, that “Jesus wants me to be happy” health & wealth “gospel” doesn’t sit well on a pediatric hospice floor, does it?)

How I pray that THIS DAY, I will turn INTO my suffering (which, I know, is SO LITTLE!) ...

Face it ...
And turn to Jesus in life-giving, saving, true faith.

Blessings to you, my friends!

Yours,
Tara B.

So yesterday I had the strange experience of actually feeling that (lovely!) sense of accomplishment that I had actually accomplished something!

(Those of you with toddlers know what I mean, right? The days of having a goal; setting a schedule; keeping the schedule; and accomplishing the goal seem VERY VERY far away, don’t they?)

It had to do with a project I was doing for our church’s small group ministry ... We really needed some new “song books” for use in our small groups. (The old ones were missing a bunch of songs we’re singing now; they didn’t have many hymns; and they were not organized in any way–not alphabetized, no table of contents–so it was really hard to find stuff.)

So Fred and I sat for like an hour Sunday night and figured out what songs to keep / get rid of / add. We found the words & music. We organized. We alphabetized. And we were all set for me to go to the church Monday morning to get the copies “just right,” add a table of contents, add page numbers, etc. etc.

Sophie did great for over TWO HOURS as I organized and copied at the church office. Our church secretary was a dear to let Sophie play/color while I worked. And I left with NEW SONG BOOKS. Hooray!

Seriously–HOORAY!

Every time I looked at the song books at my home I thought, “Yes. Well done, Tara. Good job! These might actually help/bless our little small group. You’ve procrastinated doing it for two years–but now you’ve done it. It’s done and that’s great.”

UNTIL ...
(scary music ...)

In our family devotions last night, Fred and Sophie asked where the song, “I am God” was. (It’s Sophie’s favorite because Fred sings lead for it on our worship team’s CD.) “It’s in there,” I replied. “It has to be.”

Except, of course, IT WASN’T.
(!!)

And while we were perusing the (snazzy!) Table of Contents looking for it, we noticed this strange alphabetizing:

- Here I Stand!
- His Grace is Sufficient
- In Christ Alone
- How Deep the Father’s Love
- I Will Praise Him Still
- I Will Seek You Earnestly (Psalm 63)

Now, I’m no college graduate. (Wait, yes I am. And two graduate degrees too, right? I know they’re in a box somewhere under a bed ... )

But do YOU think that having H’s and then I’s and then H’s again is a TEXT BOOK way of alphabetizing??????

(!! Aarrrrrggghhhh !!)

So all of a sudden my FEELING GOOD went to FEELING STUPID. From total success to utter failure. Again.

(I was really bummed out.)

So where is the gospel in all of that?

I guess one thing is that I really see how I am a WRETCHED “PERFECTIONIST” who of course can’t measure up. Really. I can’t. Not in any area of life. Perfection is just NEVER going to happen. Well, not until Glory.

But I push myself and then I’m sorely disappointed and GRACELESS to myself. And this is NOT how I want to be.

I thought ... “What if this were Sophie? Would I want her to beat herself up over a mistake (or two)? Of course not!”

You know what we say ALL the time in our household? "Good try, honey. Way to persevere. Mistakes happen. No biggie. Let’s try again. Would you like some help? Let’s work together as a team! Boy, we’re a good team, aren’t we?"

I say this to Sophie ... but you know what? The grace of God calls me to say the same thing to myself:

"Nice try, Tara. Not perfect. But you gave it your best and really tried to bless. Now let it go. Laugh at the H’s & I’s & H’s again. Let it remind you of your imperfections and MY perfect love for you. No biggie. Way to persevere. I love you."

You know–I am going to bed tonight thinking about how grace covers not only SINS but just our FALLENNESS too.

Thank You, God, for your perfect mercies and your blood-bought grace.

Much love to you all–

Your friend,
Tara B.

Can you believe it?

I post a lengthy post on envy yesterday and then I see that my dear friend, Taylor Lynde has created a beautiful painting illustrating contentment.

(For those of you who are new to this blog, Taylor is the husband of Samara, my dearest friend. If you “search” on “Samara,” you’ll see many posts here. )

As a professional artist, Taylor specializes in plein air realism-impressionist works, but he also does portraits occasionally.

(If you have a favorite picture that you WISH you could have transformed into an original painting, I urge you to visit his gallery and request a commission portrait. We did this for Sophia Grace when she was two and we could not be happier with the results! In fact, I’m looking at the actual painting even as I type this.)

Thank you, Taylor, for this wonderful visual reminder!
And thank You, God, for giving such gifts in the Body –
and us eyes to enjoy them.

All for Your glory!
Amen & Amen

PS
If you are looking for one-of-a kind, TRULY AMAZING gifts for Christmas this year, keep an eye on TJ’s ebay gallery. He adds new paintings every day except Sunday and they are truly breathtaking.

Jill Carratini (at RZIM) has written another amazing essay that drew me to the throne of God in worship–and I hope will do the same for you.

Please click through and read it!

Here’s a snippet just to encourage you to take a few minutes and read this essay:

"Someone once told me that the opposite of Christlikeness is not sinfulness like we might expect but apathy. The idea that follows is that even the worst sinner who cries out to God is actually closer to the heart of Christ than the one who stands apathetically. The woman caught in adultery and clinging to the feet of Christ was far closer to the breath of God than the religious men with rocks beside her. The Samaritan woman at the well who was willing to hear the hard truth Jesus offered about her life was closer to the Spirit of God and the truth of Christ than many within his own race. In vast distinction, the apathetic stance of Pontius Pilate led him to ask flippantly, “What is truth?” as he was staring truth incarnate in the eyes."

I think about this topic a lot.
PLUS – it’s a great conversation opener–especially for evangelism.

So how would you answer these questions?

1. Where did I come from? (origin)
2. Why am I here? (purpose)
3. How should I live? (morality)
4. Where am I going? (What is my ultimate destiny?)

Isn’t it wonderful (full of wonder!) to be created by God; living for His glory; guided with clear commandments; with the hope and assurance of our Ultimate Home in Heaven with God one day?

Grace abounds!

Happy Wednesday to all –

Love,
Tara B.

SORRY that I haven’t been staying active on this blog lately. (I’m especially sorry if any new friends from the WIC Conference in Atlanta stopped by to have a quick look! Wish I could’ve been more organized and diligent.)

Fred and I made it to Minneapolis and we are thoroughly enjoying our time at the Peacemaker Conference. But between teaching, attending sessions, and conflict coaching in between (Oh! And a super-fun booksigning with my coauthor Judy Dabler!) … we’ve been hopping.

To catch you up a bit, I had the privilege of sharing a testimony during Friday morning’s plenary session—just before Pastor John Piper spoke. As always, his preaching was absolutely fantastic!

His teaching was structured in four main sections:

1. The glorious gospel of Jesus Christ (leads to)
2. A humbled, satisfied fellowship with God (that leads to)
3. The ability to endure patiently being treated unjustly
4. (Which means both …) Reconciling with other people and Glorifying God

There is so much that I could retell from his teaching, but I just wanted to be sure to share this with you …

Pastor Piper reminded us that the ability to reconcile with others requires us to count on God to do justice. That our ability to not return evil for evil and to truly pursue reconciliation costs us the willingness to be wronged.

We cry, “Justice has GOT to be done!!”
(Yes, it does.)

But God solves the justice problem with The Cross or with Hell. Every injustice DONE by a Christian cost Jesus His life; and every injustice done by an unbeliever, costs them their eternal souls.

I was trembling. Trembling. Overwhelmed by both the wrath of God and the mercy of God.

An appropriate way to be as a Christian, don’t you think?

Praying for you and sending you my love,
Tara B.

PS
Because I was speaking at the plenary session, I had the joy of arriving early in order to pray with Pastor Piper and his assistant. What a blessing. Now I will always picture this humble, Spirit-filled, loving preacher as our family reads his “Taste & See” in our family devotions and prays for him, his family, and his ministry.

I picked up an old copy of Jane Eyre last night as I was waiting for Fred to get home. (He’s been out until 10:30 or 11:00 every night this week preparing materials for my women’s event next week. Boy does he work hard to serve!)

In the Preface, M. Currer (AKA Charlotte Bronte) makes this astute observation:

"Conventionality is not morality. Self-righteousness is not religion. To attack the first is not to assail the last. The pluck the mask from the face of the Pharisee, is not to lift an impious hand to the Crown of Thorns."

Ahhhhhhh ... there’s a reason they call 'em the classics, eh?

If only I could find my old high school A.P. English teacher, Dr. Charmian Poe, and let her know the good news that what she wrote in her note to me at graduation is (slowly! I’m SO dull!) coming true ... I am reading “the classics” for the pure joy of them all.

Grace abounds!

I’m going through my day and striving to remember this:

God is FOR His children! And He is mighty to save.

Amen & Amen

More from Jill Carattini (at Ravi Zacharias International Ministries); this time on Willful Heartache:

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" (Psalm 51:17). The heart most open toward God is a heart that is broken before Him.

Contrition is a word we now use infrequently, though it remains a powerful call to one of the deepest places of worship. As David discovered, it is not an easy call to answer; it runs counter to our instinct to run, calling us instead to come near with a broken heart. The word “contrite” derives from the Latin word contritus, meaning pulverized or ground to pieces. While this may be exactly the fearful condition we seek to avoid, in the willful act of allowing our hearts to be broken in pieces by our own sin, God’s mercy is nearest. The shattered soul is far closer to wholeness than the one who refuses to return to the Father. To be contrite of heart is to stop running and to turn without fear to the one on our pursuit.

Oscar Wilde was a soul familiar with the entangling circles of sin. Like me, he at times followed fear or instinct and kept running; other times he found himself compelled to stop and face his sin in the presence of God. In a poem written after his release from prison, he spoke plainly of what broke his dizzying cycles.

Ah! happy they whose hearts can break
And peace of pardon win!
How else may man make straight his plan
And cleanse his soul from Sin?
How else but through a broken heart
May Lord Christ enter in?

The willful heartache of a child that knows she has fallen short is a heart that is open to the embrace of the Father. In God’s house, we need not run in fear."

O, Lord! Please break my heart and lead me in repentance and faith.

Please forgive my foolishness, sin and unbelief.
Please help me to speak Truth to the lies and fears that tempt me to despair.
And please, God, please carry me in Your arms.
I’m so very tired. And scared.

But I know that You are good!
And in You I put all my Hope.
Amen & Amen

I’ve missed a lot of church this summer ... out of town for work, for vacations, sick Sophie (when Fred was leading worship so it wasn’t an option for him to stay home), etc. etc.

I feel it.
I see it in my life.

- I am less mindful of the glorious riches of the inheritance of the saints.
- My quiet times are sporadic.
- Even when I’m reading the Scriptures, I have not been drenching my heart and mind in the wellspring of Life in God’s Word.

I think I remember a C.S. Lewis essay about how it was easy, even for him, to get out of spiritual disciplines when he was on vacation/out of his standard routine.

I can relate!

So even though the days are shorter –
I’m glad that September is almost here.

Today Sophie and I are enjoying a restful, quiet day at home.

- A little Suzuki. (Ooh! I HAVE to get you guys pics of her first lesson. SO wonderful. What a privilege)
- Reading. Dancing.
- Dressing up like a queen – well, with a clown’s wig while holding a magnifying glass.

(- NOT rushing out the door.
- NOT trying to get 3,000 things done in the remaining 75 minutes before naptime.
- Actually RESTING IN and REMEMBERING God’s grace and goodness.)

I think my heart broke last night at small group as we were worshiping corporately. Singing. Praying. Focused on God. Helping one another to focus on God.

And then my heart was fed as we all reviewed pastor’s sermon from Sunday. (SO much to learn from the Gospel of Mark!)

The Body is key.
Apart from the constraining discipline; and merciful, gracious, love; and faithful, prayerful friendship ... well, my Old Man rears his ugly head WAY too much in my life when I am away from the accountability of The Body of Christ.

Thank God for the Church.

I am a blessed woman.
And I am truly praying that even this very day – every single person who reads this blog will be encouraged to trust in the Lord and rest in His grace.

(Oh, and to pray for your church leaders too! How can we encourage our pastors and elders and deacons and council members even this very day?)

Love to you all,
Tara B.

I received this email from a woman who won a prize for completing my “peacemaking women” survey and boy! It was SO encouraging that I thought I would share it with you too.

Love to all,
Tara B.

"I just had to let you know how our sovereign God works through others. I received your package in the mail today and was in disbelief when I opened the package. You sent me a copy of Dr. Welch’s book on depression and there is no way you could have known that I had been trying to figure out a quick way to get a copy to give a friend of mine.

The local bookstores don’t carry it and the last time I ordered it from the local Christian book store it took almost a month to arrive.

Dr.Welch’s book has really helped me to understand depression and has shown me how to deal with different aspects of depression when they arise. At the same time I started reading the book the Lord started opening doors with other women who were also suffering from depression for various reasons.

It made me realize that women who suffer from depression often do it in silence and alone. They are often afraid to talk to someone else for fear of what people might think. I am prayerfully considering starting a local support group through my church for women who suffer from depression.

Please pray for me as I seek the Lord’s will and I would also ask you to pray for my friend, [name], as I try to minister to her. Thank you again for your ministry and I look forward to hopefully seeing you in Atlanta in September.

By His Grace,
SP"

I just received a wonderfully encouraging email that included a link to a John Piper sermon and I thought it might be a blessing to you too:

The Man Went Down to His House Justified

I encourage you to drink it in and head into your day with your heart fixed firmly on the Saving, Redeeming, Steadfast Love of the Lord!

To tempt you a little, I’ll let you know that in this sermon, Pastor Piper asks three questions:

1. What difference does it make that the eternal, incarnate, fully divine, fully human, sinless Son of God spoke this?

2. What difference does it make that his main reason for coming was to give his life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45), and to shed his blood for the forgiveness of sins (Matt. 26:28 )?

3. What difference does it make that Jesus thinks we are all dead in our sins (Luke 9:60) and need to be born again (John 3:3), and that we all are so rebellious in our hearts that we cannot come to him unless it is granted from the Father (John 6:65; Matt. 16:17)?

Hope you enjoy!

Love,
Tara B.

"Faith is the gaze of a soul upon a saving God." A.W. Tozer

A few thoughts from Ajith Fernando:

In Christianity love is an end and not just a means to an end. That is, we don’t love only because we want to achieve something through that loving. Loving itself is an achievement. When we teach or train someone our aim is primarily not to help someone pass an exam well or do brilliantly in sports. True, those are legitimate aims, but they are not primary aims. If we work like that, we won’t be able to help Jesus in the forms that he comes to us as described in the parable of the sheep and the goats. There he comes as a hungry person in need of food, a thirsty person in need of drink, a naked person in need of food, and a sick person and a prisoner in need of a visit (Matt. 25:35-36). You don’t achieve much in terms of visible earthly success helping people like that.

Though there is a huge heavenly reward for such work, this is usually not recognised here on earth.

Praying for people is akin to that type of loving. Few people will know that we do it. Paul mentions in 10 of his thirteen letters that he prayed for his readers. And we too would do well to tell those we pray for that we are doing so, for it really encourages people to know that others are praying for them. But usually such prayer is not seen by others and is not recognised as a great achievement on earth. Rarely do people connect a huge success with the prayers of an individual, even though those prayers were a primary means of mediating that success. Today we are in the habit of giving awards for those whom we consider to have achieved something significant in their fields of labour. But I have never heard of an award given for “the intercessor of the year!”

But to the Christian love is an achievement! We have been successful when we have loved someone. Praying may be one of the most powerful forms of loving, and that is something we can do even when we are very weak physically ...

People filled with love become joyous people.
Let’s become intercessors NOW!

Do you remember my previous post on “big life questions for the Barthel family” like why are we here; where are we going; what is God calling us to do; is it time to move or should we stay where we are, etc. etc.?

Well, I received a number of personal notes in response, but one of them had some thoughts and ideas that I thought you might find particularly interesting/helpful, so I’ve copied them here. I’d love to hear your thoughts too.

Hope you enjoy!

Yours,
Tara B.

From TS:

"Wow. . .considering big changes (maybe)? I started to respond in the comments, but it was getting ridiculously long and thought email was more the place for an extended comment.

What to do, what to do. . .how to best honor God with our short, precious lives. . .such personal considerations. But since you asked, here’s my little old two cents!

Jesus commanded us to GO with the gospel - to our neighborhoods, towns, regions, and regions beyond. He said the first commandment is to love God wholly and the second to love our fellow man. He said that to follow him is to be emptied of and forsake all else. For any individual Christian or Christian family, doing these things could mean a number of different choices, but for my family, doing this means TAKING THE GOSPEL where there is NO OPPORTUNITY for it to be HEARD or SEEN in the lives of others. It means missions, in the most traditional sense.

Why would we do something like that? Don’t we like living near grandparents, eating our familiar foods, speaking in our native language? Don’t I enjoy my backyard, my 2000 square feet of house, my furniture (well, not ALL of it!)? Aren’t I wild about my church family, my comfortable corporate worship, my easy access to all kinds of fellowship and learning in the Lord? Are we some kind of masochistic maniacs?

You know, I really am thankful, deeply, for all those things. Some days, I just want to applaud the Lord for His blessings. Right now, seeing my list above, I have tears of gratitude for God’s physical, tangible goodness to us. (I didn’t know this was going to upset me!) But, I do know that it is all very temporary and that my life is so short. I think I was eight years old - yesterday! In light of eternity, and in light of God’s love for me, how can I respond?

My area of the country and my state and my city are saturated with opportunities to hear the gospel. I think there are 180 evangelical churches serving our area of 60,000 people. If someone wants to hear about Jesus Christ, there is no lack of opportunity. We are pretty well “huddled up” here with the gospel.

In Europe, there are towns of 100,000 . . .40,000. . .15,000. . .with no evangelical witness. Not a Christian in sight. Most countries are less than 5% evangelical, some less than 1%. Spain is about 3/10 of 1% evangelical. And here’s the kicker – most Europeans won’t go to a church – many for historic reasons (church=government – which often generates some less than favorable feelings). But, the hope is in this - that the Lord WILL see people drawn to him - and that we can be creative in the way that we do “ministry.” Church planting is basically one believer, living out Christ, and befriending one European at a time. Maybe it will grow into a bible study. Maybe it will meet at a bar. Maybe it will meet in a home. Church may be 5 people or 30. But for sure, to be a growing, reproducing community of believers, it won’t look like church as we know it. But if people are coming to Christ, or at least interested (major apathy there), there will be some planting and watering of seeds. And then there are the relief ministries, the rehab ministries, etc. there too.

As for who is doing what in cross-cultural missions - that is a seriously wide open arena. But from all my searching and reading and conversations, I know that there is something for everybody to do, with every kind of skill-set & giftedness, to take the gospel where it isn’t, to let the Light shine before men in dark places. In particular, I do see how your family could fit!! But, I know that God has a specific plan for your family and He will guide you in His time.

We have found that “the call” comes in stages - willingness & openness, restlessness, affirmation, and periods of waiting marked by brokenness. We maintain our obedient posture only with His strong arm. When things don’t move along physicially, God is at work IN us. This may be as much about being conformed to Christ as it is about sharing Christ as I’ve imagined sharing. Maybe my conformity speaks better than I can. I am learning to value that conformity as it comes hard and fast as God readies us for His next steps. I am alternately broken and contrite, and THEN glad about it. I keep hearing and reading - it is not about our doing for Christ, but our being in Christ. So I try to keep perspective and not get wrapped up in anything but Him. Whether my life, my efforts, look like success or failure, the verdict is in and I am accepted and loved. I know this is crucial to remember, having just had a long lunch with a friend on the field in Europe. She is struggling with fear of failure. She is a very godly, mature woman who knows her God is sovereign. And yet, with our American ideas of success and with church missions expectations for numbers of conversions, and with supporters who may be concerned about “bang for the ministry buck,” it is hard to live only for the approval of God. Missions is an excellent pathway for stretching your faith!

There it is. My pros and cons style of sharing my heart for missions. I hope it is not too scary! My prayer is that God would use me to cast a vision for willing hearts to be involved in His desire to see the nations worship. I’m so glad you asked.

Seeking Him and His plans beside you,
T.S."

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you’ve undoubtedly read many an entry inspired by one of my favorite authors and theologians: Ajith Fernando of Youth for Christ Sri Lanka. (If you do not know this man or prayerfully support his ministry, I urge you to do so! He truly is a hero of the faith.)

Recently, his supporters received a wonderful letter that he wrote reflecting on his 30th anniversary with Youth for Christ. I would copy the entire letter here except that I think it would be a tad unwieldy because of the length. So here are a few excerpts from the fourteen points he made in the letter. I hope they are a blessing to you!

Love,
Tara B.

"These have not been easy years. In fact, the last two years have been among the hardest of the years I have had in YFC. Yet I can honestly say that I am still excited about the call to serve Christ and his church. I thought I will write down some of the things that have helped me and recommit myself afresh to them.

1. Christian ministry is all of mercy (2 Cor. 4:1). I do not deserve anything that the Lord has done to and through me. My life does not match up; my abilities are very limited in some key areas; many aspects of my personality act as handicaps to leadership. It is all grace—underserved favour—or, more accurately, mercy—pity to a helpless person.

Because all ministry is out of mercy I cannot entertain and nurture feelings of being let down, not recognised, or not given the position I think I deserve. Everything I have got is a bonus that I did not deserve. I am not going to fight for position and recognition. Then it will be me acting; and I know how weak I am. It will make me a restless and unhappy man and also forfeit my only hope for effectiveness in ministry—the anointing of the Holy Spirit (Acts 1:4-8 ).

2. When we are overwhelmed by grace the constant response to everything is thanksgiving (2 Cor. 2:14) and the dominant emotion is joy (Phil. 4:4). This gives us the strength to face pain, disappointment, danger, fear and other challenges (Neh 8:10). Indeed the pain can be very severe, as Paul said, in 2 Corinthians 1:8-10. But that is what triggered the doxology of verses 3-5: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” Pain gives God an opportunity to give us one of the most precious treasures of life: his personal attention and comfort.

And God’s comfort points to a deeper truth: the fact that we are loved by God as his children as John excitedly exclaimed: “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are” (1 John 3:1).

3. All ministry springs from grace and is energised by the love of Christ in us (2 Cor. 5:4). Therefore my greatest personal need is to ensure that there are no blocks to God’s love coming into my life. I must make sure that there are no blocks to grace like an unforgiving spirit (Matt. 6:12-15). I must keep looking at God so that his glory will rub onto me (2 Cor. 3:18 ). I know of no better way of doing this than the daily time with God in prayer and study of his Word. I have no doubt that this is the most important thing I do every day, and, after over 43 years of trying to do it faithfully, I must say that it is still a battle that has to be waged everyday. I am too much of a workaholic to take to quiet time naturally. Therefore, the battle has to be waged every day.

14. Suffering with Christ is a normal part of Christianity and we must never make a big deal about this or be angry when we face it. In the ministry we constantly face inconvenience, tiredness, shame, slander, persecution, sorrow, disappointment and hurt. When we suffer we must be joyful because of the honour of suffering for his name (Acts 5:41); because of the reward to be received in heaven (Matt. 5:11); because it will be turned into something good for us (Rom. 8:28 ), because it draws us closer to Christ (Col. 1:24) and because it helps the church (Col. 1:24). We must never let those who hurt us take away our joy. That is an honour they do not deserve. When people hurt us we must battle till we can truly say that it is for our good (Rom. 8:28 ).

Sadly, I have come to realise that some Christians cannot react to suffering in this way. Often this is because they have not let God heal their inner wounds. They don’t really practice Romans 8:28 because they still have anger-causing pain from the injuries that have been inflicted on them. They need healing for their damaged emotions. And God can mediate his grace in bringing this healing through the counsel and prayers of others. They must come to the point of saying that the love of God they are experiencing is greater than the hurt and that God is clearly going to use this hurt to do something good to them. Then they can’t say that people have actually hurt them. The hurt is overshadowed by the good that came out of it.

I will close with my favourite verse in the Bible. In 1 Timothy 1:12-16 Paul speaks about God’s super-abounding grace in saving him and giving him a ministry even though he was the chief of sinners. This causes him to spontaneously burst forth into a doxology: “To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honour and glory forever and ever. Amen” (1:17). I think what Paul says in 1 Timothy 1:12-17 best summarises my experience during these 30 years of ministry."

My wonderful pastor (Jason Barrie) preached a great sermon on Sunday entitled, “Lasting Hope in a World of Hype.”

It was based on 1 Peter and I’ve actually heard him give this message in “mini-sermons” at MANY marriage mediations that we have done together. (He often uses this text as an opening devotion for our Christian Conciliation cases.) But as is always the case when God’s Word is taught, in addition to being reminded of things I’d learned before (but I am SO prone to forget!), I also learned a bunch of new things too.

One of the “ah-hah’s” for me came from verse 13 of 1 Peter 1:

“Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

Pastor Jason explained that there is actually only ONE command in that verse: to “set your hope fully on the grace to be given you …”

The other two phrases (that sure sounded like commands to me!) are actually PARTICIPLES that TELL US HOW TO DO THAT.

HOW do we set our hope fully on the grace to be given us? By preparing our minds for action and being self-controlled.

Just like all of the CCEF resources remind us, before we can change our actions, we have to change our thinking. And our thinking changes as we REMEMBER. In fact, to paraphrase David Powlison, the very first change IS remembering:

- God HAS delivered us from sin and one day He will deliver us completely;
- That our lives right now are secure in His sovereign, loving, GOOD hands; and
- That life hurts, but this life is NOT the end of the line. One day, there WILL be perfection because Christ IS coming and HE has made us His own.

Pastor Jason also gave two stellar illustrations of what it looks like to PREPARE our minds:

1. Like stepping into the Stillwater Creek (that runs through the Beartooth mountains near Billings), life may LOOK STILL, but there is a CURRENT that is ready to knock us over and pull us down. So if we just walk in blithely and unprepared, we may be snared by the world, our Old Man hearts, or tempted by Satan and his minions. But if we remember that there is a current, we can prepare ourselves AS we step into the river. And if you’ve ever stepped into a river PREPARED, you know that a little “leaning” against the direction of the current can keep us from falling.

So now I’m thinking about my areas of temptation and the struggles I face in life (a huge one for me is EXHAUSTION … boy I am so easily tempted to yield to my sinful and unbelieving tendencies when I am physically and mentally TIRED) … and I am prayerfully trying to PREPARE better. Which leads to his second illustration …

2. Pastor Jason played football in high school and he told us how his coach would have their team watch videotapes of the games of their opponents over and over and over (and OVER!) again. And each player would watch ONLY the opposing player that he was responsible for guarding/eluding/crushing (obviously I don’t know the technical football terms). Pastor said that by the time of the actual game, he would know his opponent SO WELL that as soon as the ball was snapped, he could tell whether the other player was going to go left, right, left-back, or right-back. He knew his opponent and he could ANTICIPATE his opponent and BE PREPARED.

Isn’t that a great reminder? Again—make it real for everyday living … What are the temptations and lusts that tend to seep into and through my wicked heart? What gets me? What “owns” me in that idolatrous moment? For me, I know I’m tempted to overeat when I am tired. I am tired. My pattern is to eat. My opponent is wily and enticing. What is “his” first step and how will I respond? What can I do RIGHT NOW to anticipate the battle and my likely response and do something DIFFERENT? Something God-honoring and GOOD?

You know what? The first thing I can do is just TRY TO REMEMBER that this is even my battleground. This is what temptation feels like. This IS a battle. (Boy it’s sure easy to forget that in the dailyness of life!)

And then (paraphrasing Dr. Powlison again), if I could ONLY remember ONE TRUE THING about God, myself, the idols that functionally rule my heart in that moment, my True Home in Heaven to come, the fact that I am NOT defined by my heart and my sin but by the love and mercy of The Living God … well, that would be CHANGE. And God promises to give me everything I need for life and godliness—so that is my Hope.

You know, we need to be REMINDED much more often than we need to be instructed.

Thank you, Pastor Jason, for reminding us that God knows us and loves us and cares about our lives!
And thank you, God, that one day we will receive the crown of glory and shine because we will be fully conformed to Christ!

From your grateful sheep,
Tara B.

I recently read a short column in a magazine that reflected on a certain well-known Christian who writes and says quite “barbed” criticisms of people. Thinking back on how I used to be very mean-spirited and critical myself, I was particularly struck by the closing quote in this article.

Apparently, Pastor John Robinson (pastor to the Pilgrims) was “saddened when he heard that Miles Standish had attacked and killed some Indians.” Quoting Robinson’s letter to Gov. Bradford:

“You say they deserved it. I grant it, but … it is a thing more glorious in men’s eyes, than pleasing in God’s or convenient for Christians, to be a terror to poor barbarous people.”

Many times I am asked by non-Christians why I strive to have a respectful, gentle, non-argumentative tone in my conversations with them—even about eternally important issues. I think this quote summarizes my goals (just goals! not to imply I’m there!) … I don’t want to be a terror ever again.

May God give me grace such that every word I ever say is edifying as it ministers God’s grace in its various forms.

Amen & Amen

Yesterday I was researching something online and I stumbled onto a blog that is obviously run by someone who HATES biblical theology and probably all Christians from what I can tell. He (or she–the blogger remained unidentified, which in and of itself is a HUGE red flag) can’t stand the Church and mocked a number of ministries that I love (like Covenant Seminary and Westminster Theological Seminary).

UGH!

Creepily, there were a number of quotes from certain professing Christians that I’ve even had my concerns about over the years. (I checked the quotes on the people’s actual websites and yes, they were accurate.) IT WAS SO SAD! And it brought so much disrepute to the reputation of the Lord and His Bride.

(Why O Why do Believers air their dirty laundry on the Internet like that????!!!!)

It just made me sick. And discouraged. I felt like giving up.
(Oh! I am WAY to fickle and easily swayed. Can I blame it on PMS? Probably not. Just my immaturity and unbelief I am sure.)

It reminded me, too, of a person I had met last month who just HATES the church. This person couldn’t BELIEVE that I would willingly and gratefully seek the oversight and counsel and headship of elders. They literally mocked me (in front of a group of people) for stating that a young couple in need should RUN to the church and get help to persevere in a horrible marriage. (Of course I said that they should also be separated for a time to make sure that the woman was protected from physical harm–but I also said that the only hope for the young man to change was that STRONGER MEN would get in his face and help restrain, constrain, and CHANGE his sinful ways.)

ANYWAY ... reading this icky blog just made me so sad. What a mess!
(I was also sad because I KNOW that if my sins and failures were published like that (online!), I would bring disrepute to the Lord too. UGH UGH UGH!)

So where does the ENCOURAGEMENT come in?

I’m working on some stuff for my denominational conference this fall and I went to Bryan Chapell’s website to check the spelling of his name. Again. (I never trust myself to get it right.) And there I read this:

"However well intended and Biblically rooted may be our instruction, if our message does not incorporate the motivation and enablement inherent in a proper apprehension of the redeeming work of Christ, we pursue and promote mere Pharisaism. Being faithful to the whole of Scripture not only requires that we establish God’s requirements, but also that we highlight the pervasive redemptive truths that make holiness possible. We must learn to see all of God’s Word as a unified message of human need and divine provision. Harangues for human striving are futile. Jesus said, “Apart from me you can do nothing.” True purity, spiritual confidence, and lasting joy flow from showing how His redeeming grace empowers all we must think and do. Consistent adulation of the mercy of God in Christ will produce the love for Him that is the power of our lives. My desire and purpose are consistent adulation of the wonders of Him.”

Oh, Dr. Chapell, yet again I am encouraged.

You pour courage into my heart by turning me yet again to Christ and His redeeming grace.

Thank you!
And thank You, God, for men like Bryan Chapell.
Please grow me up, God. I am so ashamed at how weak and faithless I am.
But I am so grateful for Your steadfast love.

Amen & Amen

Have you ever heard this question:

If money were no issue AND YOU COULD NOT FAIL, what would you do?

Usually, it’s used in some sort of, “figure out your gifts / mission”-type of workshop or counseling session, etc.

I actually think it’s a great one to think about because it opens up our hearts and minds to what really excites us about serving God in the 60 or 80 or 100 (or 20 or 30) years that we have here in this temporary life (before we REALLY get to go HOME!). It also helps me to see all of the times I am tempted to doubt God and put Him in a box like:

"I WISH I could THIS, but how would I ever raise the money or have food to eat? No, I’d better just keep living my quiet life of desperation rather than trust the Lord of Lords to provide for me if He were to call me to a certain ministry or mission in life."

I ask this because Fred and I are yet again pondering this “big questions” and we’re considering everything from full-time overseas services or work, to seminary, to a new job for Fred and staying here in Billings or a new job for Fred and leaving Montana or Fred staying in his current job and us just living here and trying to serve the best we can, to inner-city Chicago community development, to ... well ... pretty much anything that God may lay on our hearts.

(Obviously, we’re working with our pastor and elder on these important questions too!)

What about you? What ministries do you think are really doing a great job? If you could go anywhere and serve in any capacity, what would you do?

I think about, of course, evangelism. But also sort of “evangelizing” THE CHURCH to help Believers to remember and apply the great and precious promises of God in Christ.

I think about helping young women–and especially single moms!–to a) faith; and b) growth in sanctification; and c) the development of marketable skills (computers? technology? administrative assistant-level work?) that might help them (and their children!) to an education one day. Oh, and helping churches help our single moms and dads more too. And addicts. And former prisoners. (Not to romanticize it or anything–but I know that that life could’ve been ME! I’m aware of it every single day ... I should’ve been pregnant as a teen; hooked on meth; uneducated; homeless; with a criminal record. It’s ONLY God’s grace that I’m not. By His mercy and grace alone.)

I think about going overseas and just helping out–Orphanages? Administrative support to medical missions? Seminaries? Church planters? I don’t have a lot of helpful skills, but I could work hard and try and maybe our family could raise Sophia to do the same.

But maybe a “long obedience in the same direction” with a quiet life in Billings is the life for me. That is a good life, of course.

May God grant us all great wisdom from Heaven (James 3)!
And may we NOT waste our lives.

Your friend,
Tara B.

Earlier this week, my pastor and I met with some friends who are struggling with bitterness – and even hatred – toward one another.

These precious friends love the Lord, but they are locked in conflict and a devastating cycle of being offended, holding grudges, judging one another, having a charitable view of THEMSELVES while consistently having a JUDGMENTAL attitude toward the other person, etc. etc.

I love them and I am praying for them – but boy! It was still incredibly hard to be with them and see their sin, unbelief, and gracelessness. Not so much because it was hard to be around THEM ... it just reminded me WAY TOO MUCH of MYSELF.

(I am SO quick to forget the gospel, to sin grievously, to believe lies and live with a critical and wicked heart.)

ANYWAY ... another Wednesday, another three flights out of state, and my heart became very sad. I took my eyes off of the Lord. I forgot His great and precious promises. And was faithless and sinful.

But here’s the thing ... even as I began to repent and to beg God for His forgiveness and mercy, I could sense the PULL deep within my Old Man to legalism:

I cried out to God to forgive me because of His Son Jesus ... BUT ... I had the sense that I would need to “be good” for a day or two (ore more) before I could really “feel” close to God again.

Oh friends! I was tempted to believe a LIE! To live by every false religion that says, “BE GOOD!” ... and to make a mockery out of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Even as a battle raged within me, I could picture my friends sitting with my pastor and me as we entreated them to BELIEVE THE GOSPEL! In that exact moment when he is vile and she is a bitter – TO REMEMBER that God’s grace is greater than our sin. That we are JUST LIKE THE OTHER PERSON. That apart from Christ, there would be nothing good in us. That HIS BLOOD covers us. That God loves us and is growing and changing and sanctifying us.

Because to base our relationship with God on anything other than Jesus is to live a lie. The gospel says that God saves sinners. Period. That GOD is the One, True, Redeeming God of the universe. That HE forgives us because of Jesus.

This is our boast. This is our Hope.

It’s the Only Hope for my friends.
It’s MY only hope.

(But isn’t it just so hard to remember?)

Dear God, please help us to remember.
Amen and amen.

So I’ll end my blogging on Aunt Jane’s Hero with a few quotes that strike right to my heart:

- (Describing a young woman who hurts the protagonist by leading him on and then rebuffing his love) ... “Annie was by no means the heartless girl he was at that moment disposed to believe her to be. She was inexperienced, and thoughtless, and impulsive, and had seen very little of the world; that was all.” (Oh! Thank God for the mercy of those who were similarly kind to ME when I was so very young and thoughtless and hurt so many people.)

- “ ... what a gladsome, happy little creature she was; perfectly at ease, kindly affectioned towards everybody, yet reserving the depth and the tenderness of her nature for him alone!” (Oh! Since being hurt by Christian leaders with whom I had entrusted my love and friendship, I wonder if I will ever be so at ease again? Could Fred ever describe me like this again? I wonder. I wonder. No one can “make” me feel anything–and I don’t want to give people who hurt me too much “power” in my life. But it’s hard, isn’t it? Hard to risk and to trust again. To have a happy and open spirit again. Sometimes I get very scared.)

- “God is rich and could give you more now if He saw that it would be good for you. Never forget that.” "Joy emerges from sorrow and soars on wings far more beautiful than any earthly analogy can paint. If God takes away your husband, He will give you something better in his place."

- “But now you are physically exhausted and even God is unreal.” (Boy! How many times I can relate to that statement.)

- “This is God’s choice for us; the choice of our best Friend.” "Just what we don’t like is often just what is best for us, darling."

- “God does not give beforehand the grace with which to bear His blows; He does not heal before he smites.”

Thank You, God, for your sovereign goodness and your healing grace.