considerable grace

It hasn’t even been one day yet, and I’m already amazed at the new Amazon reviews, notes on FaceBook, and comments right on our little “WIN FREE STUFF!” (and give Tara a little encouragement) giveaway. Thank you!

(And to all of my lurkers extraordinaire—maybe this would be a perfect time for you to de-lurk! No pressure, of course. But remember, I NEVER share your contact information with ANYONE, plus, I could really use the prayers and encouragement as we move towards the September 14th publisher’s review of our manuscript proposal for “Redeeming Church Conflicts.” Please know how much I’d appreciate hearing from you. But please feel free to keep tucked away lurking if that’s what you need to do. I totally understand that instinct.)

One encouraging note that I received actually came from a real-life friend from grad school. She references a telephone conversation we had years ago, but most of you will, I’m sure, recognize in her story that ALL I did was share with her the exact same love and counsel that Judy Dabler shared with me years ago. Plus, ironically, even though she credits me with this conversation (so apparently I did have it with her), I was actually really REALLY convicted when I read what she wrote! I’m a little lacking in the love department for certain people these days. Oh, I can try to justify it all I want. But mostly, I’m just a selfish person who would prefer to spend time with people I enjoy (i.e., people who don’t criticize, judge, and attack me. Regularly.) But many of us have certain, ummmm, challenging relationships in our lives—a neighbor; fellow mom in a sports league, music ensemble, church group; your mother’s third husband (some may call him your stepfather, but you prefer “mother’s third husband”; boss at work; church leader; daughter-in-law ... I could go on and on.

But instead, I’ll share my friend’s testimony below. (I trust she won’t mind a few emphases and editorial comments added in by yours truly.) And I’ll also encourage you to always keep at the ready the classic CCEF article on dealing with difficult people in your church. I need to staple that one to my HEAD I need it so often. (Says the difficult person in her church ...)

Hope you enjoy! Happy Monday to you all—

Your friend,
Tara B.

Hi again, dear friend,

Here is my story that I would like to share with whoever would like to hear how God uses my dear friend Tara for His peacemaking purposes in my life ...

When I called you almost a decade ago now, I wanted to tell you how hard I had tried to get along with a very significant person in my life. I wanted you to hear how I had done everything a Christian should do. I wanted you to hear how hard it was to try to get along and tell me that isn’t what God wanted for me. Which is exactly what you did, just upside down and backwards from what I expected! Where I expected to hear you tell me I had done all I can do, you told me I really hadn’t even started (offer your bodies as living sacrifices? You mean this is SUPPOSED to be HARD?!?).

I had gone to a Peacemaker Seminar with this person (supposedly to benefit a different relationship and I was just being supportive, but of course I secretly hoped this person’s heart would soften and ways of relating with me would change as well). I had done all the steps I learned at the conference; I was done, right?

When I called to ask for your help, you suggested we read Romans 12 – backwards. As we talked about not being overcome by evil but overcoming evil with good, I wasn’t sure calling you was going to go quite how I had in mind. We moved on to not taking revenge and giving the thirsty a drink – I remember a sense of bewilderment beginning.

This was real conflict! This person had really hurt me, over and over, stomped on my heart and left it for dead. And you’re telling me I’m supposed to be nice? [EDITOR’S NOTE: My friend, A., and I can have a good chuckle at this comment now because OF COURSE I would NEVER tell ANYONE they have to be nice in this situation. NO WAY. Lay down your life, bless, do good, pray for, and LOVE this person? Ummmm. Yeah. That I’d say because, well, Jesus said it. But I’d NEVER say you have to be NICE. Who could ever do that? ]

Tara, I couldn’t put on a happy face, but not in the middle of such heart-wrenching, core-of-my-soul anguish! I admit that my ears did perk up a little at the “I will repay” part. Finally, we were getting somewhere. [EDITOR’S NOTE: I can TOTALLY relate to liking that verse too. A lot. But isn’t that so telling about my stinkin' ol' heart? When I think about MY sins and weaknesses, I cry out for MERCY. I am grateful for God’s LONG-SUFFERING and KINDNESS. But when I think about THAT’S PERSON’S sins and weaknesses, I demand JUSTICE. Vengeance. I am graceless and impatient. SHIVER! It really creeps me out to see my heart.]

Even now as I re-read the “next” verses, I remember feeling how my strategies and selfish desires became exposed one by one: Bless those who persecute you... Live in harmony... Do not be conceited... Love must be sincere. Sin-cere. Without mask. Without hypocrisy. What would sincere love for this person look like?

Oh, my friend, it has taken years to begin to acknowledge the depth of manipulation of which I am guilty in this relationship! Over and over I look for the good I can cling to and see how short I fall of true brotherly love for this person. Somewhere around “Keep your spiritual fervor” and “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer”, I think it started dawning on me that you were telling me I was nowhere near done reconciling.

By then, I was ready to hear that I had been thinking of myself more highly than I ought, according to how I saw myself. I could see no use in the Body for the person I was in conflict with. I had been hoping you would tell me I could, in good conscience, completely eliminate contact and put that relationship to death. One of the most annoying things about that person is/was giftedness in a specific area. I felt that because those gifts seemed more like an anomaly in an otherwise bad person, I could write that person off as useless and the gifts as not valuable, even nauseating. It continues to shock the socks off of me that God uses gifts to accomplish His purposes, even in people who do bad things. Thank goodness, because part of this journey has been discovering that I, too, do lots of bad things and often the good I do through the gifts God has given me seems like an anomaly, too.

As we concluded, I began to see how seeking to actively love this person despite continued failings and hurt was truly a living sacrifice, yet completely warranted because of God’s mercy toward me. What a relief that God doesn’t require me to change this person for Him to be pleased with me, that simply the offer of myself is enough.

I began to see how wildly God’s mercy diverges from the pattern of the world. [EDITOR’S NOTE: And so sadly, how wildly God’s mercy diverges from the pattern of the counsel you so often receive even from Christian sources: “God wants you to be happy!” "You don’t deserve this!" “She’s an antagonist— God doesn’t expect you to be around her!” "What do YOU get out of this relationship? He’s dysfunctional / an addict / a “toxic person”—cut him off!" Don’t get me wrong, of course, certain situations ABSOLUTELY require strong, careful responses—I’m thinking of truly destructive and dangerous behaviors related to addictions, sexual and physical abuse, mental illnesses, out of control rage. Believe me. I know. But what does it look like for the resources of the entire church (and sometimes the civil authorities and medical helps too) to be brought to bear for WISDOM to combine with LOVE? Not for fences or boundaries to be erected solely to protect US, but to minister God’s grace in its various forms to unbelievers (evangelism) and believers alike (discipleship / discipline). Oh, A! You have totally nailed this and I am so, so convicted by what you wrote.]

Tara, I began to long to be transformed so that I could test what His will for me was (even in this awful relationship). I’d love to sit down with you and tell you about the journey that began with that conversation; it is transforming how I do that particular relationship, and transforms every close relationship I have. Do you know that conversation came in a season of miscarriages, where God was telling me how He was going to put together our family, instead of me telling Him? [EDITOR’S NOTE: I didn’t know, A. I’m so sorry! I see photos of your amazing family and I have to be careful to not covet my neighbor’s adopted daughter. Oh, I didn’t know, A. Such sorrow!]

I am a completely different kind of mother for having begun that journey at that time.

Many more opportunities have come along since to look at my grotesque sin and how it has ravaged my relationships. I am so grateful for your kind, gentle look at my sinfulness; my heart has been encouraged many times over that you were willing to look with me at the reality of my heart and not turn away in disgust. Once (hopefully more?) after that, I was able to listen to the story of sin in another dear one’s life and respond in grace instead of discard the relationship in disgust. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Oh oh oh. But isn’t this just SO true? The more we see how wretched we actually are—the doctrine of total depravity is not just an interesting theological idea!—the more we can hear of our brother or sister’s vile sin without shock or rejection because we are overwhelmed with this thought: "I’m just like her. I’m just like him. Yes, my sin may look different. I may not struggle with this exact sin, but I definitely struggle. We both need the Savior. Let’s run to Him!"]

Thank you, my friend, for the encouragement and example. [Thank you, A. I love you!]

Gratefully,
A."

We had a very minor thing come up with one of our babysitters this summer and I wrestled and wrestled over whether I should even talk with her about it. She’s such a responsible, wonderful young lady—I didn’t want to be harsh or over-sensitive. And I wondered if my concerns were even appropriate—was I expecting too much? Were things just different for teens now? Should I just let it go?

But then her mother and I were talking about an unrelated, but important topic, and I thought I would just ask for her counsel. “Should I talk with your daughter? Or is this just an overlook situation?” She encouraged me to give her the feedback (as is so often the case, our “little” thing tied in to other heart issues that this family was working on together) and I did. The young lady was quickly repentant, we easily forgave her and that was that.

EXCEPT that (as is also usually the case) there were actually things we needed to talk about related to how our family was interacting with this beloved babysitter—and this young lady (with the encouragement of her mother) actually (courageously!) brought them to my attention. She was so gentle and respectful, but she did persevere in talking with us about some hard things that we really can do better as a family and as we coach Sophia in her interactions with her babysitter.

I was so proud of this young lady, I can’t even tell you. She evidenced maturity far beyond her years—and her willingness to confess and receive our forgiveness; and confront us so that we could confess and receive HER forgiveness ... all while reaffirming our commitment to one another as friends and members of the same church? Well. As I told her, if all Christians handled their slights, hurts, offenses, and conflicts like that, Peacemaker Ministries would (happily!) be out of business.

As I have reflected on all of that, and as Sophie and I discussed it all at length, I was really struck by how easy it would have been for her to simply start declining our invitations to babysit (or for us to simply stop inviting her to serve). But then neither of us would have grown and neither of us would have had the opportunity to forgive and be forgiven.

Of course, as good as it was, it was also all a little awkward and not very fun—but it was so important and such a great lesson to Sophia that all relationships, especially REAL friendships, have conflict. But we don’t just run away, we work through it. We don’t give up on one another. We are patient and forbearing and in the end, we have even more confidence in our relationship with one another because we’ve been able to address hard stuff. This is true of every friendship, marriage, parenting, workplace / school / church relationship ... God forgives us and so we forgive one another. God never gives up on us, so we don’t give up on one another.

I’m really proud of this young lady and grateful too.

Hope you have a great Thursday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Uh-oh. In light of something Dave said in our call yesterday, I think I need to change something I’ve said a zillion times—and something that is permanently “out there” in Peacemaking Women and Living the Gospel in Relationships ...

Even though I usually talk about “bad confessions” when I teach the Peacemaker Ministries Seven A’s of Confession, I think I need to stop using that term. This is the quote from Dave that is convicting me BIG TIME:

“There is really no such thing as a bad confession. A bad confession is just no confession at all. You have great confessions and you have no confession. You can try to use the language of confession, but it’s a non-confession, a non-spiritual entity (it has nothing to do with God).

Non-confession is called hardness of heart. Hardness of heart leads to explanations, not confessions.”

Yowza. That one’s gonna stick with me for a long time.

Oh, man, but I’ve been eating my own words this week. I’ve been under MAJOR conviction regarding various teaching points that I’ve said a hundred times at women’s events; I’m writing about in Dave’s and my current book project; I truly believe are biblical and redemptive ... but that, when push comes to shove, I’d rather do pretty much ANYTHING other than LIVE THEM OUT myself.

Theology sounds so great on paper, but living it out is often so disturbingly unpleasant that I’m tempted to hypocrisy.

Can’t I just BELIEVE it? Teach it? Do I actually have to LIVE it? (Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes.)

Isn’t this exactly why we need the protection and accountability of our local church? The Christian life is not just doctrine, it is doctrine applied; doctrine lived out. And that means RELATIONSHIP. Real life, clumsy, unpleasant, stressful, awkward, icky (and yes, sometimes sweet, safe, fun, happy, encouraging, forgiving, loving) relationships.

Kevin DeYoung is currently blogging through a series on one aspect of relationships that I strongly urge you to think seriously about in your own life. (I’m surely thinking seriously about it in mine.)

The Ministry of Rebuke

Talk about an unpleasant topic! But talk about a good and necessary one.

Where oh where would I be at age 40 if Christians along the way did not love me enough to rebuke me? Was I embarrassed? Absolutely. Mortified. Were some rebukes harsh, discouraging, and unkind? Sure. Were others gentle but still devastating as I saw more clearly in my own heart areas of huge sin, unbelief, lack of love, lasting bitterness, gracelessness, defensiveness, and self-righteous self-protection? Yes. Devastating doesn’t even begin to describe it.

But I am grateful to the deepest core of my being for friends who have loved me enough to help me—truly help me—rather than placate my sin, leave me to drown because I am ensnared, act as though everything is OK or just AVOID ME / pull back, rather than help me to grow and change.

Soph and I are really working on this in both of our lives now—learning to say, “OK.” when someone gives us an instruction (rather than arguing, explaining how something wasn’t our fault); humbly listening to counsel with a grateful heart and growing WISE (rather than saying, “I already knew that!” or “I have something important to say too!”); learning to respond to confrontation by demonstrating gratitude and asking for more information ("Thank you for being willing to talk with me about this really hard thing. You must truly care about me. I want to learn from you. Thank you for helping me."), rather than defending ourselves.

Our catchall for all of this ties right into Fred’s morning reading of Proverbs with the girls over breakfast: Having a teachable, approachable spirit—growing wise, rather than being a fool.

Well, Kevin DeYoung is nailing this important aspect of life in his posts. Today was Day 2 and I think it was even better than Day 1. (Pastor DeYoung is rapidly becoming one of my all-time favorite contemporary authors; he’s even giving Ed Welch a run for his money in my book!)

The Ministry of Rebuke Day 2 - When to Rebuke

In today’s post, he lists a number of factors to help you discern whether you need to confront someone or whether you can just let it go. (Oh oh oh! I do SO much prefer to just let it go! But sometimes, we just have to have the courage to speak into someone’s life, even though we’d rather do a zillion other things first.)

Consider:

- How hurtful is the action or error? (Is it a mis-speak? Let it go! Cover it over! Is a marriage about to crumble, are the embryonic seedlings of a church split beginning to take root? “You had better get on the rebuking train. And fast.”)

- Is this issue likely to escalate into a bigger problem? (Does your friend struggle with an occasional harsh word to her children in her home? Maybe overlook. Is she yelling harshly at other families’ children at church? Ummm ... you probably need to talk with her.)

- Is the person aware of his or her problem? Or blind to it? ("Christians who make mistakes and feel terrible about it don’t need a rebuke. They need the Savior. But it’s a different story when your brother or sister doesn’t see the problem. Suppose you begin to notice that one of the couples in your small group never seems to get along. You sense coldness and hostility in their marriage. But they’ve been open with the group that they are seeing a biblical counselor for help. Probably no need to rebuke what they already see. But if they were blind to their problems, someone needs the courage to confront.")

- How habitual is the problem? (A strange, one-time occurrence? A fledgling pattern? An entrenched habit?)

- (This one REALLY got me!) Will you be held account for your silence? ("No one is responsible for speaking into everyone’s life on every issue (praise God for that). But for your children, your spouse, your close friends, your accountability partner, your flock, that church member who invited correction in his life–for these people our silence in the face of sin will not be golden.")

- Is the name of Christ being publicly dishonored? ("Yes, every sin dishonors Christ. But some are more egregious, more public, more high-handed. These are especially harmful to our Christian witness and deserve a sterner rebuke.")

- Is the gospel being threatened? ("Young zealous Christians sometimes don’t get this one. Every theological error looks exactly the same to them, But they are not all the same. Some matters are of first importance, which means others must be secondary or tertiary.")

To Pastor DeYoung’s list, I would also add:

"To what extent is the unity of the saints through the bond of peace (Eph. 4:-13) being threatened?"

Whooops! Baby just woke up, so I’m going to end abruptly. But enjoy Pastor DeYoung’s wisdom!

Blessings,
Tara B.

We have another “friend/prayer group” starting up next week and I’m just thrilled.

For those of you who haven’t heard my teaching on this topic, the quick bottomline is that a “friend/prayer group” is just a set time that 4 or 5 women meet every week for friendship and for prayer. We don’t read a book or study the Bible. We accomplish no “goals” other than sharing our lives and being friends. It’s wonderful and particularly helpful for people like me—introverts, lots o' weaknesses, not naturally good at relationships—because it is intentional; and it’s particularly helpful for busy people because it forces you to set aside time and keep a consistent, long time that makes friendship a priority.

The best friend/prayer groups I’ve been in meet from 6:30-7:30AM (before work / workouts / domestic diva duties) and include women from various stages of life—young/single, married no kids, married little kids, grandmother, widow, etc.

Five has been the best number for our little efforts—three is a little too small (if one person can’t come, it’s just a two-person visit, and if both of you are home with small kids and could do a time OTHER than 6:30AM, why are we there so early?); more than five means that not everyone gets to share each week.

But the details don’t really matter. It’s really just preferences. What matters is that you take intentional steps to build authentic, deep relationships.

I’d write more about this, but our friends just dropped off two of their three children for the day (it’s 6AM) while their son is at the hospital having some minor surgery, and both of my own girls are clambering for attention. So I need to scoot.

I’ll close with a great post by Carolyn McCulley to (hopefully) further encourage you in your friendships:

Seven Days with Seven Friends

Blessings,
Tara B.

Pastor Brian Croft has an interesting and helpful post over at PracticalShepherding:

How Do You Shepherd a Christian Brother Who is Being Sued by a Non-Christian?

Some good thoughts there. Definitely worth your read.

Of course it reminded me of Appendix D in Ken Sande’s, The Peacemaker, “When Is It Right to Go to Court”? Oh! If you are ever faced with the difficult (and often frightening, exhausting, and expensive) situation of being sued, I urge you to get Ken’s book. This Appendix alone is worth the price of the book.

Out of curiosity, after I read Pastor Croft’s article, I did a little google searching on the topic just to see what was “out there.” Boy. The results were not encouraging. I’d link you to some just to show you some bad application of Scripture (in both directions—"Sure, sue!" and “Court is NEVER appropriate!”), but I don’t even want to point you to them.

Back in the “biblical” and “helpful” category, however, John Piper had a tiny little article on the topic here:

Is It Ever OK for a Christian to Sue a Non-Christian?

And of course, JD/MBA that I am, I never tire of reading the Institute for Christian Conciliation’s Rules of Procedure and Frequently Asked Questions. (If memory serves me right, FAQ #22 is the one that is on point to this topic. Ahhhhh ... Just a little flash of old Tara brain lighting up there thinking about Civil Procedure and rules of evidence, etc. etc.)

I’ll give Ken Sande the last word with his concluding paragraph from Appendix D:

"Since every conflict is somewhat unique, it is impossible to address every question that might arise when a matter may be headed toward court. Moreover, as Jesus warned, it is important not to get caught up in a multitude of detailed and legalistic rules. Instead, you should pay attention to the basic principles set forth in Scripture and focus on what our Lord called “the more important matters of law—justice, mercy and faithfulness” (Matt. 23:23; cf. Micah 6:8 ). One way to apply these principles when you are trying to decide whether or not to go to court is to remember that you are a steward of Christ and to ask yourself, ‘Would my Master be pleased and honored if I use my time and resources to pursue this matter in court?’"

A good word.

If every Christian lived by that standard, not just for court, but for all conflicts, Peacemaker Ministries would happily be out of work.

Challies.com quoting John Stott:

"Thank God there are those in the contemporary church who are determined at all costs to defend and uphold God’s revealed truth. But sometimes they are conspicuously lacking in love. When they think they smell heresy, their nose begins to twitch, their muscles ripple, and the light of battle enters their eye. They seem to enjoy nothing more than a fight. Others make the opposite mistake. They are determined at all costs to maintain and exhibit brotherly love, but in order to do so are prepared even to sacrifice the central truths of revelation. Both these tendencies are unbalanced and unbiblical.

Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love; love becomes soft if it is not strengthened by truth. The apostle calls us to hold the two together, which should not be difficult for Spirit-filled believers, since the Holy Spirit is himself ‘the spirit of truth,’ and his first fruit is ‘love.” There is no other route than this to a fully mature Christian unity."

The Gospel Coalition has a link you might want to glance at:

Stuff Christians Like: Being Jerks Online

Sad, but true.

Pastor Anyabwile has a worthwhile read over at PureChurch:

A Brief Compendium of Paul’s Warnings Against Quarreling

In it, he asks us if we know how many times Paul warns against quarreling in just three pastoral epistles (1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, and Titus).

Can you guess before you click over? I gave a guess and was WAY off. It’s really striking to see them all there, one after the other. As Pastor Anyabwile says, they really drive home what Paul said in Galatians 5:15:

"If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other."

So sad. But so true.

May we speak according to Ephesians 4:29 today! This is truly my prayer this morning. I can’t help but wonder what my day would be like if every single word I said today (and every single tonal inflection and supporting language via body language) was edifying and not quarrelsome. Hmmmmmmm ... I think my family would have a much better day to say the least.

Prayerfully,
Tara B.

Soph’s first day of Peacemaker Clubs this week was simply wonderful:



How grateful I am for the hard work of Brandon Acheson and the young people of our little church and Gallatin Valley Presbyterian Church who work so hard to serve. Not only are our members blessed, but this is such a strategic way to serve our community too! (Today I had the joy of talking at length with a functional widow in our community—a grandmother raising her three grandchildren because their father, her son, is in prison, and their various mothers are addicts/incarcerated too. Maybe our body will get to do even more in the future to serve her, and her precious, beloved, so desperately needy grandchildren too.)

If you’re ever interested in a great vacation Bible school that pretty much sells itself as you invite kids from the community ("Hi! My name is Tara Barthel and our church is hosting a free Peacemaker Club this week for kids. Do your children ever fight?"), you can purchase it from my resources page. And if you’d like to learn more about how the puppets and songs work together to help kids learn peacemaking, I have some YouTube videos from previous years that you might be interested in:





Hooray for Peacemaker Clubs!

Would you like to understand better how the gospel of Jesus Christ can help you to lavishly forgive others (just as you are lavishly forgiven by God in Christ)?

Ken Sande, President of Peacemaker Ministries and the author of The Peacemaker, will be hosting a free webinar on Wednesday, June 23 at 3:00PM (Mtn.):

Radical Forgiveness: Biblical Examples and Principles

Whenever I teach the Seven A’s of Confession, I try to remember to note that not all “Seven A's” are required for every confession. An exchange that Sophie and I had earlier in the week is a good illustration of this teaching point.

It was a pretty typical morning, except for the fact that the night before had been filled with late night deacon’s duties for Fred and other late night duties for me, plus Sophie’s day had been extra full with swim lessons and an extended play date with a friend, so I hadn’t done my usual “clear the decks” walk around the home, where I straighten up and put things away so that we can all wake up to a nice and orderly home. (This little habit means a lot more to me than to any other member of my family, but I tell myself that it might bless them even just subconsciously.)

The combination of normal life + a Bitty Baby-filled playdate had left the house a wreck. There was mail on the dining room table, baby toys not in their baskets, Fred’s stuff out, pillows and blankets askew, and, of course, extremely coordinated teeny-tiny little baby clothes, shoes, hats, books, toys, etc. etc. EVERYWHERE. No biggie! But it did start to grate on me and before long, I was pretty much stomping around grouchily as I put things away. (There is no excuse for this of course.) And then I even spoke very harshly to Sophie about her lack of care in keeping things put away. (A common “fight” for us. Again, there is no excuse for me to be so harsh.)

Thankfully, God was gracious to quickly convict me and I went to her room (where she was crying) and began to confess my sin to her. Our conversation went something like this:

"Soph? I’m really sorry that I spoke harshly to you and I was grouchily stomping around putting stuff away. That’s never appropriate and I’m truly sorry. PLUS, I just remembered that last night you ASKED me if you could put your things away in the morning because you were aware that the house was a mess. I said sure. No problem. But this morning, I’m getting frustrated and upset, even though I didn’t really give you much of a chance to keep your word and clean things up. That’s very unfair and must be very frustrating to you. Will you please forgive me? I was wrong and I’m sorry."

“Mom, I forgive you. And thanks for remembering what you said last night—that means a lot to me. But, I think a part of your frustration is justified because last night I was REALLY only thinking about the Bitty Baby stuff. When I see how much you’re having to put away this morning—books, crafts, clothes, etc.—I realize that, again, I haven’t done a good job of just keeping my stuff put away in general. And that’s not good. Will you please forgive me?”

Of course I did. And we were reconciled and went on with our day.

But as I’ve reflected on that conversation, I’ve been very encouraged by that tiny insight God gave both Sophie and me—about how each of us was actually a little justified in being frustrated. It seems to me that was true empathy and it enabled us to enter into each other’s worlds and be gracious to one another. It completely changed the tenor of our conversation; our tone gentled, our words were not accusatory, we owned our contribution (especially how even “justified” frustration never causes us to sin or excuses our sin); and we were quick to forgive each other. It was a lovely gospel moment.

And there was another lovely gospel moment later in the day when I was cringing inwardly over my selfishness and sin re: stomping all over my messy home. So I confessed to Sophie again how sorry I was and how grateful I was she had forgiven me. To which she replied the reply we say a lot in our home:

"Mom? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve chosen not to remember."

Ahhhhhhh—forgiveness. I’m a grace junkie. I need it like the air I need to breathe.

Hope you have a great Thursday! We’re into our “ministerial need friend sleep over” couple of days now, so I might not come up for air until Saturday.

Blessings,
Tara B.

If you haven’t read Ken Sande’s book, The Peacemaker (or if you haven’t re-read it in awhile), I encourage you to do so! It is such a wonderful book. I re-read it last week and was tremendously blessed, challenged, and encouraged.

Let me tempt you with a snippet:

"When someone mistreats or opposes us, our instinctive reaction is to justify ourselves and do everything we can to get our way. This selfish attitude usually leads to impulsive decisions that only make matters worse.

The gospel of Jesus Christ provides the way out of this downward spiral. When we remember what Jesus did for us on the cross, our blinding self-absorption can be replaced with a liberating desire to draw attention to the goodness and power of God. As Colossians 3:1-2 teaches, “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

Focusing on God is the key to resolving conflict constructively. When we remember his mercy and draw on his strength, we invariably see things more clearly and respond to conflict more wisely. In doing so, we can find far better solutions to our problems. At the same time, we can show others that there really is a God, and that he delights in helping us to do things we could never do on our own."

It’s been a great day of reading for me as I continue to research the topic of “redeeming church conflict.”

Of course, I’ve spent significant time in Ken Sande’s book, "The Peacemaker". And this story from chapter 12 was just so great, I had to share it with you too:

"When John’s wife, Karen, divorced him and moved in with her high school sweetheart, John was devastated, especially when his church refused to do anything to try to save their marriage. But he drew on God’s grace and resisted the temptation to give in to self-pity or bitterness. He refused to criticize Karen, especially in front of their children. He bent over backwards to accommodate their every-changing visitation schedule. Most of all, he continued to pray for Karen, and whenever they talked with each other, he asked God to help him speak to her with genuine love and gentleness.

After about a year, Karen and her boyfriend were fighting continually. As she compared his behavior to John’s unfailing kindness in the face of her betrayal, she began to realize what a terrible mistake she had made. With great trepidation she asked John if there was any chance they could get together again. To her amazement, he said yes and suggested that they start counseling with the pastor at his new church. Eight months later, their children had the joy of seeing their parents renewing their vows and reuniting their family.

Whether Karen came back to him or not, John’s decision to keep doing what was right honored God. His behavior was also a powerful witness to his children about the love and forgiveness of Christ. And he later learned that his example had helped some other divorced people to respond to their ex-spouses graciously, even though none of them came back. As John showed, doing what is right–even in the face of unjust treatment–is always the safest path to walk."

"Sin causes us to be more concerned about our own welfare than anyone else’s. Such self-centeredness destroys relationships and does great harm."
How People Change (by Lane & Tripp)

Peacemaker Ministries is offering a free webinar with Chris Brauns (pastor and author of Unpacking Forgiveness and keynote speaker at the 2010 Peacemaker Conference—"Forgiveness") this morning (9AM Mtn).

You can read all of the details and click through to register here:

Free Webinar on Forgiveness

Fred met Pastor Brauns yesterday at the Peacemaker offices and had a fun time connecting with him over their rural Illinois roots. (Not many people can make the claim to fame of living in—or even having HEARD OF—the school district where Fred went K-12. I think his graduating class had only 43 students! But that’s where Pastor Brauns' church is located. Pretty fun.)

Enjoy!

More (striking!) wisdom for Christians in conflict from The Heart of a Servant Leader: Letters from Jack Miller. This one was written to a man who was in conflict with his church leaders and then, after another pastor was brought into the conflict to try to help ("Rob"), the man became conflicted with the new (trying-to-help-with-the-conflict) pastor too.

Please note: this excerpt is after a long, kind, gentle affirmation and assurance of deep love for the recipient of the letter. If Pastor Jack Miller was anything in life, he was an encourager. But this excerpt is such an insightful confrontation that I really wanted to share it with you (the emphases in bold are mine):

"You were so concerned about yourself that you hardly seemed to see or think of them as people as well. That was pretty cold, was it not?

… Please be in heart what you really are: a son of God and a brother to Rob.

So love as a son, think as a son, see these painful events as an exposing of all of our sins together by the Spirit of sonship as part of revival in the church and its world mission of the mid-1980’s. See Rob in a new light. He is a brother authority introduced to you by Christ. Christ is at work in him and through him; the King is on the move! We easily forget the moving of the kingdom in situations of conflict and think secularly, carnally, and not spiritually about such matters. Christ is not abandoning us, but breaking us down together … You need to learn from Rob and to expect Rob to learn from you.

Perhaps I felt the absence of this kingdom point of view in both of you as we talked and often wondered if either of you saw how serious was this vacuum of faith. Forgive me if I am wrong here. But was there a kind of frozen hopelessness in both of you? Am I wrong? Were either of you seeing the other with confident faith in Christ and His power to change? Or were you together looking at problems as though God and Christ did not exist or at least had no saving power?

This fact really troubled me …

I actually feel so desperately weak in such conflicts that I urge people who support me in prayer to constantly pray this for me—that I might get the revival point of view. That means a confident trust that nothing happens that is independent of my God of grace, the movement of His all-conquering kingdom. I also want to seek only the welfare of the one who has wronged me. In that process let God be true, but every man a liar. Let no one worry about his own vindication but only about the honor of God!"

I’m really enjoying The Heart of a Servant Leader: Letters from Jack Miller.

Consider just a brief excerpt from a letter encouraging an elder who was needing to confront a member of the church regarding a sensitive topic:

“In circumstances of high emotional intensity, I assume almost automatically that there have been some miscommunications and misapprehensions which need to be taken seriously. So I pray for wisdom to see what things may be heating up the situation unnecessarily and confusing communication.

One of the things that almost always turns up is a feeling of rejection in the person being counseled in a conflict situation. The presence of this feeling may be warranted or unwarranted. But so long as it is there, it cripples communication. It just hinders the release of the Spirit to cleanse and heal the relationships.

This feeling of rejection is often concentrated around the belief that “I am not being listened to.” To overcome this feeling, I would suggest the following: more time in prayer with the person who feels left out; asking of questions that give the person opportunity to express the isolation; good, patient listening to put the fears of rejection to rest; and avoiding language and attitudes which foster any us vs. them relationships ...

So my suggestion is that you might want to ask Jason to point out areas where he believes that you have failed him or sinned against him. Hold on to your hat. It might be a bit rough …

I especially try to get into my head a positive view of the counselee, the person as Christ is going to remake him or her according to His grace. This positive image of the person as remade by Christ in the future is really important for praying. It’s almost impossible to pray effectively for a person if in fact you have no positive image of what Christ is going to do.

What I do to defuse the relationship is to make it as low-key as I can, especially avoiding anything that may be accusatory in tone. I am not called to be an accuser of the brethren, but a gentle restorer of the erring. Remember: Jason is an intense person, and so am I. I think perhaps each of you is also in your own way. So don’t let your intensity conflict with his intensity. Too much intensity binds up the expression of love by making everyone self-aware. So relax a bit. Wherever you can, affirm him … And don’t lose your sense of humor while counseling, though it would be foolish to use lightness in a serious matter. Especially avoid trying to bear the burden of the thing as though you had to be the Holy Spirit changing another person."

“A love for those who are worthy and who come up to our standards is not the thing which Jesus refers to in John 13:34 as characterizing the Christian community and distinguishing it from other social groups. It is agape, the love which stoops to others as Christ stooped to us at the cross, which is to be the expression and mark of the disciple community … It is when the love which we express begins to stoop; when we really begin to love those who are unworthy, those who have failed, those who reject our standards, those to whom we are not naturally attracted, it is then that the non-Christian begins to take notice.” (Bruce Milne, We Belong Together—The Meaning of Fellowship)

Our book proposal (on Redeeming Church Conflicts) is due and (of course) I’m running behind schedule. There are a myriad of reasons why, but a few things that come to mind are:

1. I would rather deny my FEAR and try to RUN AWAY from my stresses (rather than just face them and get to work).

2. Just like when writing Peacemaking Women or trying to create Living the Gospel in Relationships, I am fixated on all of the weaknesses that it makes me want to just GIVE UP and not try at all. (Come to think of it, I’ve felt this way with pretty much everything I’ve ever done in life—speech team and AP papers for Dr. Poe in high school, recitals and psych papers in undergrad, law school finals and the Bar Exam, etc. etc.) I’d rather not try at all than try and fail. (But then, somehow, I usually get around to just DOING IT ANYWAY.)

3. I’d rather cuddle with Sophia for an hour and talk and talk than just get to work. (Hypothetically. Say. This morning from 6:30-7:30AM.)

4. It’s WAY easier to WRITE about grace and forbearance re: relationships in the church than to actually BE gracious and forbearing in REAL relationships in my REAL church. (Oh, and it’s hard, so very hard, to be on the RECEIVING END of grace and forbearance too. I’m grateful for friends who forgive me! But I am rightfully ashamed and regretful that my “areas in need of further sanctification” cause people such hurt and fail people so often that they HAVE TO forgive and forbear with me over and over and over again.) Why oh WHY can’t I just ever GET IT TOGETHER?! I guess that’s Heaven.

5. If I had my way today, I would ice and rest my wrist; put together my pennies and GET A MASSAGE; and somehow figure out an actual-real-life-MEAL (where you have a recipe and ingredients and apply heat and EVERYTHING; a FULL CREDIT homemade meal) for dinner. Hah. Not going to happen. I have other duties today. But just today. Not every day. Not even most days. (But isn’t it telling that I am SO lazy and SO fearful of my current duty that I would even prefer to COOK? Those of you who know me know that this is NOT a good sign. I must be in a serious state of rebelling against my current lot.)

So ... finally ... to sum up ...

Even though I FEEL all of those things, in actuality, in my TRUEST SELF—by God’s grace alone—I would rather just stop whining and get to work. And so I shall.

Hope your day is a blessed day of diligent work and refreshing rest! May we all enjoy God and enjoy our station in life.

Yours,
Tara B.

Oh. Tears. Again.

How quick I am to give in to resentment and bitterness when people attribute wrong motives to me; misjudge me; presume the worst about me.

How would I respond if they didn’t just wrongfully accuse me? They convicted me and then put me in jail for 29 years?

Oh oh oh. I pray that I would be like this man:

Wrongly Convicted Man Goes Free



(HT: TakeYourVitaminZ)

Just got back from a brisk walk with Lilikoi and WOW! Was I blessed and challenged by a Ligon Duncan sermon: “Loving Those Who Don’t Love You.”

I truly wish that my Ipod/mp3 skills were better and I could figure out how to give you a link to the exact sermon—but the best I can do is direct you to a page of a zillion of his sermons and tell you that it’s number 26:

First Pres Sermons

I think I’m going to ask Fred to teach me how to load all of them onto my Ipod-thingamajig because I really want to continue to work through them.

Thank God for preachers!
That God for grace!

Yours,
Tara B.

The world’s cutest webmaster and blogger (my hubby Freddy B.) posted this at the Peacemaker Ministries blog and I just CHEERED as I read it:

Quail Springs Church of Christ Heals Rift Through Mediation

What a (painful! beautiful!) testimony of God’s grace at work in a congregation and a wonderfully gifted Christian conciliator.

Enjoy.

Sophie had a little conflict with a friend this weekend and it gave us another great opportunity to review all sorts of peacemaking terms:

- She figured out where both herself and her friend were on the Slippery Slope. (They were both in the “attack” zone and Sophie was tempted to stay in the “escape” zone.)

- We talked about what other options she had when the conflict started. (Talk. Get help.) And how she didn’t have to sin—God always gives us a way out when we are tempted.

- She shared openly about how she was hurt by what her friend had done and I asked her if she could overlook (unilaterally forgive). She said that she would try to do so.

- Then I asked her if that was all she had to consider re: peacemaking and her friendship with this sister in Christ. She thought quietly to herself for a few minutes and then said that she needed to confess to God and ask Him to forgive her. Fred and I commended her for that insight and then asked if there was anything else she needed to do.

- THEN we had a pretty extended conversation about what Jesus said in Matthew 7 about “getting the log out of your own eye.” And Sophie didn’t really WANT to confess to her friend, but she came to the conviction that she really should. So we practiced the 5 A’s of Confession:

Admit what you did wrong.
Apologize for how your choice affected the other person.
Accept the consequences.
Ask for forgiveness.
Alter your choice in the future.

And then we called our friend to ask if we could apologize the next time we see her in person—or if we should drive over right then or apologize on the phone ... whatever she wanted, we would do.

What an honor it is to be a parent and help our child walk through these relational challenges. I encouraged her that EVERY real relationship has conflict at some point and God truly does give us grace to confess our sins and forgive each other and truly be reconciled.

In fact, I was wondering if her friend wasn’t already striving to OVERLOOK what Sophie did just as Sophie was striving to OVERLOOK what her friend had done. To that comment, Sophie put her two hands out (as though representing her friend and her) and replied:

"Oh mom! Wouldn’t that just be great? I’m willing to confess, but she’s already moving closer to me because she wants to overlook; and SHE’s willing to confess, but I’m already moving closer to her because I am willing to overlook and just forgive her." (And then she interlaced her fingers—UNITED AGAIN!)

I said to her, “Oh, my darling daughter. If every Christian lived like that, Peacemaker Ministries would not need to exist.”

What a wonderful thing that would be! Not that I’m cheering for the demise of Peacemakers of course. But I am cheering for and praying for and working for the “unity of the saints through the bonds of peace” (Eph. 4:1-3).

Gratefully,
Tara B.

I just re-read the study guide to the Peacemaker Ministries Leadership Opportunity and I want to encourage you again to consider purchasing this resource and introducing it to your church leadership.

It really is a great distillation of some of the most important topics related to peacemaking and leadership. And even though the price might initially strike you as high—consider the cost of conflict in your congregation, and I bet you’ll quickly see that it’s a true bargain.

(Not that I’m trying to sell you anything! I don’t get a commission. I’m sure no one at Peacemakers will even know I’ve mentioned this resource again. I just think it’s that good—I hope you’ll check it out.)

Blessings!
– Tara B.

If you have an interest in biblical peacemaking and would like to read a slightly different take on it from the “standard” Peacemaker Ministries model, I encourage you to click through and enjoy this series of articles posted on the The Francis Schaeffer Institute of Church Leadership Development (www.ChurchLeadership.org):

Cultivating Effective Biblical Solutions for Conflict

Yes, I have to admit that the JD/MBA (and Presbyterian?) in me still particularly enjoys the orderly way that engineer and fellow lawyer Ken Sande organizes the biblical principles over at Peacemakers. (Some of Dr. Krejcir’s articles in this series got a little rambly and my tiny brain just couldn’t keep track of 24+ points in bulleted lists.) Still, I was truly blessed by Dr. Krejcir’s insights and counsel and I hope you find them edifying too.

I awoke this morning thinking about some real-life situations in my real-life Christian community. And then I was encouraged by this Bonhoeffer quote (from Life Together):

"Innumerable times a whole Christian community has broken down because it had sprung from a wish dream. The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it. But God’s grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves.

By sheer grace, God will not permit us to live even for a brief period in a dream world. He does not abandon us to those rapturous experiences and lofty moods that come over us like a dream. God is not a God of the emotions but the God of truth. Only that fellowship which faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God’s sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it. The sooner this shock of disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community the better for both.

A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping its illusion when it should be shattered, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community. Sooner or later it will collapse. Every human wish or dream that is injected into the Christian community is a hindrance to genuine community and must be banished if genuine community is to survive. He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial.”

In addition to the “100% So Far / Always Asked at Every Q&A” question ("What about when the other person is NOT a Christian?"), whenever one of my events does a Q&A time, I am usually asked the question:

"What if the other person REFUSES to forgive me?"

It’s a great question, of course, and one that Ken Sande addresses thoroughly in chapter 6 of The Peacemaker. Here is just an excerpt:

"If you follow the six steps described above, many people will readily say they forgive you. If the person to whom you have confessed does not express forgiveness, however, you may ask, “Will you please forgive me?” This question is a signal that you have done all that you can by way of confession and that the responsibility for the next move has shifted to the other person. This will often help the offended person to make and express the decision to forgive you. (The details of forgiveness will be discussed in chapter 10.)

Be careful, however, not to use this question as a means to pressure someone into forgiving you. Some people can forgive quickly, while others need some time to work through their feelings. My wife is like this. Sometimes, when I have deeply hurt her and later confessed, she needs a while to think and pray. If I press her to say “I forgive you” too quickly, I add to her burdens by introducing feelings of guilt, which can give rise to resentment and bitterness. On the other hand, if I respect her need for some time, she usually comes back to me fairly soon and willingly expresses her forgiveness.

If you sense that the person to whom you confessed is simply not ready to forgive you, it may be helpful to say something like this:

“I know I have deeply hurt you, and I can understand why you would have a hard time forgiving me. I hope that you will soon be able to forgive me, because I want very much to be reconciled. In the meantime, I will pray for you. In the meantime, I will do my best to repair the damage I caused as quickly as possible and, with God’s help, I will work to overcome my temper. If there is anything else I can do, please let me know.”

Time alone will not always bring forgiveness. Sometimes forgiveness is inhibited because a confession was inadequate. Therefore, when forgiveness is delayed, you may need to go back to the person you wronged and cover some of the elements of confession more thoroughly. For example, you may not have explained adequately how you intend to repair the damage you have done. Or you may have failed to understand and express regret for the way you hurt the other person. If you probe sensitively, you can often discover what is blocking forgiveness and then take care of it.

If forgiveness is still delayed, you have a few options. If the person is a Christian who apparently doesn’t understand what forgiveness means, you may offer a pamphlet or book dealing with forgiveness (see chapter 10). Another possibility would be to encourage the person to talk over the problem with a pastor or a mature Christian friend. If none of these efforts work after a reasonable period of time, you may need to enlist the pastor to help bring about reconciliation. If these avenues are unavailable or ineffective, prayer and the steps outlined in chapter 12 will be your last resort."

Great advice and a timely reminder to me that I really need to go back and re-read Ken’s book. Again. For like the 100th time. There is just so much to learn and remember when it comes to peacemaking.

But now that we’ve had some substance in this post (thanks to Ken), I want to tell you about something that happened to me yesterday that was slightly head-shaking-funny in that shocking “Oh my STARS! I can’t believe that just happened!” sort of way—but really it’s just sad. And it was awful to experience ...

After I dropped Fred & Sophie off at the end of the road in Yellowstone (where only bicycles are allowed), I headed out of the park with Ella. Just before the guard shack, I realized that we had left our National Parks Pass in Fred’s wallet and, not wanting to pay the $25 entrance fee just to go and pick them up in a few hours, I thought I would stop at the guard shack and ask for mercy ("Could you please write down our license plate number? Or would you possibly remember us and our little purple Honda?" etc. etc.)

The thing is, the EXIT side of the guard shack had the window closed. So I waited awhile and when the guard didn’t come, I thought, “Oh. He must not be able to tell them I’m out here.” So I gave our horn the teeniest, tiniest little “beep” as kind of a, “Hi! We’re here. Do you have a moment?” signal.

No response.

So after waiting a little longer (not beeping the horn again; I only did it the one time), I drove up and around and re-entered the park to try to talk to the ranger that way. And then I met the ANGRIEST PERSON I have ever met. (Which, when you come from a challenging family of origin like I do; when you’ve spent a lot of time around addicts; when you intervene in conflicted churches and mediate between really, REALLY mad people for a living, is really saying something.)

Our exchange went something like this:

"Do NOT honk your HORN at ME!!!"

(As meek and truly apologetic as I have ever, ever been. I really was sorry to have offended him.) “I am so very, very sorry.”

“DON’T DO IT!!!”

(Truly meek. Didn’t let adrenaline rule. Genuinely sorry.) “I am so very sorry. I apologize. I should never have done that. I did not mean to offend you. It was wrong. Please forgive me. I am SO sorry.”

(And here is the first of two really bad ways to receive someone’s confession ...) "I KNOW."

(Me again ...) “Really. I’m SO sorry.”

"I KNOW."

“I truly apologize.”

"I KNOW."

Wow. Where do you go with "I KNOW" as a response to an apology? No idea. My brain completely froze. I could think of absolutely no response that would help the situation. So that was pretty much the end of our exchange.

Driving away, of course, THEN the adrenaline started to flow. First anger—because fear turns into anger a LOT for me; but then mostly fear (this was a very angry man yelling at me and no matter what the situation, that is just a frightening thing). Then I was pondering the whole “Was there anything else I could’ve done to help the situation” question.

THEN I was thinking of another really bad way to receive someone’s sincere confession that happened to me years ago ...

I had offended a person and I was wrong. Granted, in my “defense”—no defense at all, but just to set the stage—this person had been slandering me, gossiping about me, and being truly horrible to me and about me for YEARS. She was completely unrepentant and has never showed the least bit of regret for her actions and words.

But that doesn’t matter. Truly. Once I realized what I had done, I knew there was no “out” for me other than to apologize. Jesus doesn’t say, “Compare your wrongs and her wrongs and if they’re about equal or if yours are worse than hers, THEN get the log out of your own eye ...” Nope. No loophole in Matthew 7:5. I had to go to her (BTW—"publicly" in that I had to apologize to her in front of some of my family members—none of whom were Christians—because my offense had been public), apologize, and ask her forgiveness.

In response to my heart-felt confession, she said:

"Well, GOOD. I’m glad you see now what a real b**** you are."

And that was that.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm .... sometimes we really don’t have any “rewards” or positive experience in this life for obeying Jesus, do we? But we have the blessed joy of faithful obedience. ("If you love me, you will keep my commandments." Jesus says in John 14:15) And so we obey. Because we love, love, LOVE Jesus!

Hope you have a great Tuesday and that your confessions are received with grace if you have to apologize today.

Yours,
Tara B.

I’m about to begin our challenging “get out the door in time for worship practice / Sunday school / church” routine. And since both Sophie and I prayed last night that our hearts would be happy and patient (and cheerfully obedient—Soph; and NOT grouchy—me) so that we wouldn’t have to repent in the car on the way to church (!!), I really don’t want to be rushed. So I’m going to keep this short.

But I’ve had a series of things happen in my life in the recent past that, well, make me sad. Heart-heavy, “Oh! This is SO not the way it’s supposed to be!”, sad. And I just wanted to give a little (hopefully gentle) reminder to anyone who might read this blog who “is known for” being a proponent of "all that peacemaking stuff."

Please remember that if we are handing out peacemaking principles pamphlets and leading small group studies and chattin' up the 4G’s in our sermons or workplaces or wherever ... then we had better be sure we are living out this stuff ourselves.

No one does so perfectly, of course. But over and over again, in many different contexts, I hear about people who hold themselves out as “peacemakers” who actually (unrepentantly) cause conflicts, are unapproachable and unteachable, rude and harsh. They use Scripture (especially peacemaking verses!) as a weapon to hurt people—trying to force reconciliation (remember my blog commenter’s term, “Reconciling STALKERS!”), manipulate and control people, show that they are the “good guys” and others are the “bad.”

The scary thing is that they know so much better than others “the terms,” the Scriptural references, how to look good in a “mediation,” the right things to say, etc. etc. It can really lead the other, “weaker” person (weaker in that he or she doesn’t know the lingo and isn’t familiar with the systems) terrified. Judged. Hurt. Angry.

"This is peacemaking!?! Give me a BREAK!"

I couldn’t agree more. I’ve even thought about writing a book titled something like, “When Peacemakers Cause Conflicts” so common is this problem.

So. Please. As in all of life—get help to watch your doctrine and life carefully. Seek counsel—outside, objective, willing to tell you the truth and help you to see yourself rightly—counsel. And before you go around all excited about peacemaking, make sure you have first “made every effort to live at peace inasmuch as it depends on you” (Romans 12).

Just as the “helping” professions of counseling / psychiatric medicine / troubled youth intervention services, etc. often attract hurt, broken people, “peacemaking” often attracts the biggest conflict producers of all. And you’re currently reading the blog of one of the greatest examples of THAT!

But hopefully there is a modicum of growth in grace in my life. My husband, elder, pastor, and wise friends say that it is so and thus, I do try to encourage people in this area. But I’m daily reminded how left to my own devices I would remain as “Exhibit A” of how NOT to be. And I pray, pray, pray and strive, strive, strive to remember Christ, repent, believe the Truth, lay hold of all of the means of grace as I live, serve, and love the people around me. With humility and approachability. Giving special care and attention to the people with whom I disagree. Seeking help from my church’s Peacemaking Team as needed.

(Because, yes, even members of a Peacemaking Team—ESPECIALLY members of a Peacemaking Team—should be clients of those services too.)

We all have conflicts. Let’s just not CAUSE conflicts and hurts in the NAME of peacemaking, shall we?

May God help us by His Spirit, in line with His Word, in our local churches, I pray.

Your recovering-porcupine friend,
Tara B.

Colson and Vaughn in, "Being the Body":

“It is not difficult to understand the two most frequent reasons people give for avoiding church: “All Christians are hypocrites,” and “Christians are always fighting with each other.”

To the first I invariably reply, “Sure, probably so. Come on and join us. You’ll feel right at home.”

But I haven’t come up with a very good answer to the second...”

Me neither.

But I have found something that HELPS: when a church’s leaders are committed to building, encouraging, supporting, and facilitating a culture of peace within a congregation—and then they put their money (and time) where their mouth is by doing the hard work of pastoral care (encouragement, confrontation, mediation, church discipline) as leaders AND they help to establish, oversee, fund, and serve on their church’s Peacemaking Team too? Well. Good things happen. (Sometimes it’s a hard, painful process. Peacemaking is not easy! But it’s worth it.)

Let me give you just one example of how this works in real life in our own church ...

We have a number of ministries going right now that (thankfully!) include a bunch of people who are either not yet Christians, or are very young in the faith. Many of these people are also walking through lots of challenging situations re: finances, physical troubles, mental health challenges, problems at work, in their marriages, with their children, etc.

It would be easy for a meeting with a certain goal and purpose (say, a mentoring/discipleship group, a Bible manuscript study, a women’s fellowship meeting) to go “off-track” week after week after week because of the needs of the people in the group. (Don’t get me wrong—the occasional ministry “off-track” is wonderful! But if every week becomes ONLY about one person and 20 other people are a) just sitting there; and b) not working through whatever growth in grace resource they signed up to work through, that is not necessarily a good thing.)

SO. What do you do in order to serve the person with the crushing, salient need AND the other people too?

Dum da da dum dum dum DUMMMMM! (Cue super hero music—Peacemaking Team Member to the rescue!)

Yes. We have one of our most wise and gifted conciliators in another room close by—available to help as needed. Oh, friends, I just can’t tell you what a great thing this is. As the leader/facilitator of one of the ministries, I could keep stepping out to help these dear folks. But that would leave 20 other women sitting at a table staring at each other. Not good.

What a blessing it is to have lay people trained and ready to serve. Oh, and we have pastors, too, who are in the loop on the situation and ready to help too.

Mmmmmmmmm! Thank God for the church. The messy, complicated, wonderful church.

I’m off into my day now—hopefully Lilikoi will be home tonight (she seemed to do better in the night!) and Fred will be home tomorrow (the filming for the new Peacemaker resource seems to be going OK).

Blessings to you and yours,
Tara B.

Early last week, I realized that something was standing between a fellow member of my church and me. Once I knew there was a problem, I began to pray about it and sought Fred’s counsel too. I soon realized that I was holding a grudge against this man for painful words he had said to me a few years ago. He hurt me. And in response, our relationship stopped. Oh, I continued to “chat” with him when I would see him at church or in other contexts. I did not speak ill of him to others. But deep down? My relationship with him had come to a complete standstill in the truest parts of the real me.

How did I respond to this conviction? Well. Honestly? I’m still in the process of responding. My sincere hope is that I will be able to unilaterally forgive the offense and not have to talk with him about it. (I hate conflict!) But even if I can forgive him, I may need to go and confess my sins against him (holding a grudge / withholding love). Grrr. And who knows? Perhaps if my heart can be truly committed to serving this man (rather than defending myself or pointing out his weakness to make myself feel better), our conversation will help him to grow in grace and be an even more effective witness in his workplace, family, and in our church.

Anyway ... I’ve been thinking about all of this also because I’ve recently realized that a series of conflicted relationships in our church all seem to have one person in common. Different people have approached me (or other members of our Peacemaking Team) for help at different times, so I didn’t see the pattern until this weekend. But the pattern is surely there.

So now my service to this person (and the other people involved in the conflicts) changes a bit because it’s one thing to have an occasional conflict that you need help with. It’s another thing to have a consistent history of causing conflicts in your local church—with leaders, lay people, visitors, Bible study members, etc. etc.

Of course, such a situation reminds me most squarely of ME. How grieved I was back in my twenties; how completely struck down I was the first time a godly Christian man, a brother, a spiritual father to me, confronted me with the fact that the one consistent person in a series of conflicts among Christians was ... me.

I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to face it. I had no idea how to “fix it.” I had no idea how to change. It was (and is!) a ministry of the entire Body to help me to grow in grace. And, to help others too.

Oh! How we need wisdom, humility, and a keen conviction of how desperate we ALL are (and how gracious and merciful GOD is!) as we walk through these church conflicts and help one another.

I’ll put another post up this morning after I’ve done a little reading and prayed a bit about these topics some more.

Blessings to you,
Tara B.

“One of the most frequent causes of lack of love between Christians, and one of the things which most readily grieves the Spirit of love and mars the fellowship of Christian groups and churches is—too good memories. We remember far too well the wrongs which have been done us in the past …

God forgives freely, fully and unconditionally. And he forgets. But we go out from god’s presence and lay hold of our fellow Christian. We recall the wrong he has done us, which in comparison with the wrong we have done to god is as 5 dollars against 5 million dollars. But we do not forgive, oh no! And we do not forget. Every time we meet them it is there. It separates us. Such ingratitude, such hard heatedness must be ‘put away’, and even the very memory must be erased, in order to restore true fellowship.”

“No man can be reconciled to God without being reconciled to the people of God within whom his experience of God’s grace immediately sets him. Thus soteriology, the doctrine of salvation, is indissolubly bound up with ecclesiology, the doctrine of the church.”

(Bruce Milne, We Belong Together: The Meaning of Fellowship)

“Even where the brother is a troublemaker, the guidelines laid down by Jesus are intended to rescue him. Jesus also describes other efforts at discipline. We may take witnesses with us in our efforts to reach him, and we may finally take the case before the whole church (18:16f). We do not give up easily, because he is important. The community lives by its concern for erring members.” (James Thompson, Our Life Together)

“The Christian who expresses no concern about his relationships with his fellow Christians betrays a fundamental flaw in his entire Christian profession and proclaims the paucity of his love for the Lord who died for him.” (Bruce Milne, We Belong Together: The Meaning of Fellowship)

(To a couple in ministry leadership who was in conflict with another couple, Pastor Jack Miller wrote a long, caring letter. This is just a snippet. Names have been changed.)

"There is nothing that I heard that you cannot work through if you have the heart and faith to do so. Ministry cannot be done without faith, and if others need faith too, then start by setting them an example of faith. But the phone call did not seem to issue from faith but from fear. Please, dear Jim and Rachel, out of love, I entreat you to approach the Smiths with confidence. Expect the Spirit’s working to unify you and accept the pain it may take … take the time to learn how to love one another. Combine concern for repentance, etc. with concern for deep personal relationships. Don’t polarize over such matters. Enrich each other instead of reacting to each other.

In conclusion: Though in no way do I minimize the burden you feel, it seems to me that you have a duty. That duty is to make the ministry work. Run away from these relationships and you will likely keep running. At the very least whether you work with the Smiths or not, you do have a duty to form a solid friendship with them and to learn from one another.” (Rose Marie Miller, The Heart of Servant Leader: Letters from Jack Miller)

“Nothing could be more destructive to Christian koinonia than the common practice today of pretending not to have any problems.

It is often true that Christian homes may be filled with bickering, squabbling, angry tantrums, even bodily attacks of one member of the family against another, and yet not one word of this is breathed to anyone else and the impression is carefully cultivated before other Christians that this is an ideal Christian family with no problems of any serious consequence to be worked out.

To make matters even worse, this kind of conspiracy of silence is regarded as the Christian thing to do, and the hypocrisy it presents to others (not to mention how it appears to individual members of the family) is considered to be part of the family’s “witness” to the world. How helpful, how wonderfully helpful, it would be if one of the members of the this family (preferably the father) would honestly admit in a gathering of fellow Christians that his family was going through difficulties in working out relationships with one another, and needed very much their prayers and counsel through this time of struggle. The family member would immediately discover at least two things:

(1) That every other Christian in the meeting identified with his problem and held him higher esteem than ever because of his honesty and forthrightness; and

(2) A wealth of helpful counsel would be opened to him from those who had gone through similar struggles and had learned very valuable lessons thereby.

Further, the prayers of other Christians willing to help him bear his burden would release great spiritual power into the situation so that members of the family would be able to see much more clearly the issues to be resolved …” (Ray Stedman, Body Life)

“A Christian comes to others only through Jesus Christ. Among men there is strife. “He is our peace,” says Paul of Jesus Christ (Eph. 2:14). Without Christ there is discord between God and man and between man and man. Christ became the Mediator and made peace with God and among men. Without Christ we should not know God, we could not call upon Him, nor come to Him. But without Christ we also would not know our brother, nor could we come to him. The way is blocked by our ego. Christ opened up the way to God and to our brother. Now Christians can live with one another in peace; they can love and serve one another; they can become one. But they can continue to do so only by way of Jesus Christ. Only in Jesus Christ are we one, only through him are we bound together. To eternity, he remains the one Mediator.” Bonhoeffer’s Life Together

What a great example of Roger Nicole’s Polemic Theology (What Do I Owe the Person Who Differs from Me?):

David Powlison Responds

A (very!) rare internet/blog exchange addressing a difference (or miscommunication?) among Christians ... rare because it is gracious.

Oh, wouldn’t it be great if such exchanges began to be commonplace? If the world would say, “Oh! Look at how those Christians LOVE each other!” and “You know, I’ve never heard a Christian slander. Or gossip. Ever.”

What a wonderful world that would be ...

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." Ephesians 4:29

“And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness.” 2 Timothy 2:24

(After my last post, I wanted to re-read Judy Dabler’s wisdom on this topic in our book, “Peacemaking Women.” And after I did, I thought you might enjoy it too. So here you are ...

"Gently Restore

As difficult as it is, sometimes we are called to go humbly to the people who have wronged us in order to help them to understand better how they have contributed to our conflicts. Of course, when appropriate, we should be quick to overlook (Prov. 19:11) and we must always first confess our own sins (Matt. 7:5). But if we cannot overlook, after we have confessed our own sins, we are called to help the person who has offended us by gently restoring her (Gal. 6:1) and helping her remove the speck from her eye (Matt. 7:5).

Apart from the gospel, such humble and loving confrontations would be unthinkable. Sinners simply do not have the right to point out someone else’s sin, do they? Yes, they do. Genuine biblical love requires that sometimes we confront others. Jesus explicitly taught us: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over” (Matt. 18:15). The fact that we too are sinners does not remove the responsibility to lovingly confront. Nowhere in Scripture does our own sinfulness remove from us the requirement to help others see their faults and deal with them. It is the grace of God that enables us to minister truth, mercy, hope, and love to our brothers and sisters in Christ through biblical confrontation. We confront because we are compelled by love. As John Stott has often said, “Grace is love that cares and stoops and rescues.”5 One way we care for and rescue one another is to gently confront.

Galatians 6:1–2 says, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” The term “restore” in this passage means to mend in the same way we might mend holes in a net or set a broken bone. The term “caught,” however, includes an element of surprise. In the same way that a fisherman might cast his net over the side of his boat only to realize, too late, that his leg is caught in the net, we can be caught off guard by our own sin. The weight of the net pulls the fisherman over the side and he begins to sink. He can barely hold on with one hand to the side of the boat, but if he lets go of the boat to try to free his leg, he will drown. He is not strong enough to pull himself back into the boat. He is caught.

Sadly, metaphorically speaking, if this fisherman was a Christian caught in sin, many of us would mock him: “Hey! Jerry! I thought you were a fisherman? No fisherman would ever let himself get stuck like that. Hey, you guys, come look at Jerry, he claims to be a fisherman. Can you believe what he did?” A woman is caught in the sin of gossip or gluttony and we cluck behind our church bulletins, “She claims to be a Christian.” A man leaves his wife and children, or is incarcerated for embezzling, and we say, “No Christian would ever get caught in a mess like that.” Instead of such a proud and condemning response, we ought to run to the side of the boat and help our brother or sister. “Jump in! Hold his neck up so he can breathe! Get a knife and cut the net! Go and get help. He’s in trouble and he needs us!” This should be the response of the church.

Instead of such rescue, when someone offends us, our natural inclination is often to go angrily to confront her or embarrass her. But anytime we want to confront, a red flag is raised and it is probably best to wait. When we are eager to confront, we are often acting out of selfish motivations. If it grieves us to confront another person, and we do so prayerfully and lovingly, it is probably the right thing to do. Our purpose in going to the other person must never be to make ourselves “feel better.” Godly confrontation seeks to restore by glorifying God, serving the other person, and helping to promote unity within the church.

One final point under “Gently Restore”: even if a proper and loving confrontation hurts, it will not ultimately cause harm. God would never command us to do something without also intending a morally good result. I (Judy) remember a time in my twenties when my supervisor assessed me for a promotion and rejected me. His candid words were deeply wounding, yet they provided me with opportunity for reflection and growth. As painful as his words were, they never ultimately harmed me. They were used by God to help me change. Paul writes of this godly sorrow in 2 Corinthians: “Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret . . .” (2 Cor. 7:8–10a)."

The call to forgive is found throughout the Old and New Testament. Consider just a few examples:

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:12-13

“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.”” Matthew 18:21-22

I could go on and on. But knowing what we OUGHT to do ("Forgive!") doesn’t ever enable us to actually DO IT, does it?

When that person hurts us. Again.
Lets us down. Again.
Fails us. Again.

Who wants to love? Who wants to forgive? “Not I,” said the little red hen.
Me neither. Nope. No way. No thanks. I’m outta here—at least emotionally if not physically too.

But then ...
But then ...

Let us return to the Creator of everything that ever was and is and will be.
Eternal. Infinite. Unchangeable. Only He.

Perfectly wise, powerful, holy, just, good, and true in His being.
(Can you tell we’ve moved on to the Shorter Catechism with Soph? )

Needing nothing, He chooses to initiate and maintain a relationship with us—while we were yet sinner.
His enemies. Hating Him. (Or indifferent to Him entirely. Indifference: the real indicator of true hatred.)

He forgives us—not once. Twice. Three times. But seven times seventy times seventy bazillion.
Over and over and over again.

(There were two men who owed a debt they could never pay ...)

It’s all just interesting theology until you take it out of the book
off the shelf
and have to live it out with that family member who gives you nothing but grief; the one whose absence from your life would actually make your life EASIER and more PLEASANT ...

But who God is calling you to love (when she is unlovable—just like you!)
bless ("bless and never curse");
do good
pray for

Submitting yourself under God’s mighty hand
Trusting HIM
And “not being overcome by evil, but overcoming evil with good” (Romans 12).

Impossible? You bet.
(In and of our own strength.)
(If we focus on ourselves and the injustice of the situation.)

But possible? To forgive? Absolutely.
Because we all were like sheep, gone astray. Each to our own way.
But God, who is rich in mercy, sought us out. Softened our stony hearts.
Did not leave us in our predicament (as we deserved).

He made us alive with Himself in Christ.
He brought us over from darkness into light.
He seated us in the heavens and adopted us as sons.

We, his enemies once.
Now his children who often live like angry, bitter, ungrateful orphans.

But He remains the same. He doesn’t change. He maintains the covenant on our behalf.
He forgives and forgives and forgives.
Because it is His nature to forgive AND because the penalty has already been paid.

And so?
In response to so great a mystery?
Such mercy?

We forgive.
Just as the Lord has forgiven us.

Challies.com linked to a powerful example of one woman striving to live out this call to forgive when her husband was killed in the line of duty as a police officer:

Widow Urges Forgiveness for Fallen Officer

“God has freely offered us forgiveness,” she said at the packed sports arena where her husband coached their three sons in hockey. “To the best of my human ability, with God’s help, I will offer it as well. My hope and my prayer is that all of you will do the same. I know it’s what Vu would have wanted.”

Amen.
And totally impossible!
Except that the Lord make a way ...

I pray that today? We will walk each moment as forgiven people who forgive.

Blessings on your Monday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Some days, you just need a little dose of Emily Dickinson, don’t you think?

"True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island ... to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing."

“A friend is someone, who upon seeing another friend in immense pain, would rather be the one experiencing the pain than to have to watch their friend suffer.”

“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, wheather in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.”

Our fearless leader, elder “L”, led us through a great Peacemaking Team meeting at church last night. It was a sweet time to review cases, talk about mistakes we’ve made as mediators, and prayerfully strive for wisdom re: further service to our church and community.

There were many blessed times of sharing during the course of the meeting, but my favorite went something like this:

(After anonymously discussing the facts of a case that our team has served this year ...) “After opening statements, I wouldn’t have bet you a NICKEL that there would be ANY hope of reconciliation between these parties,” thus sayeth Elder L.

"But then God moved! And the Lord did His work."

(And there was reconciliation, even in a public way.)

So I turned to Pastor Jason and asked, “Is that what YOU would’ve said at the beginning of our mediation on ”Peacemaking Women"??

“Oh, yes.” he replied.

“SO ... were you lying when you said that you HAD HOPE?” (I asked, really just kiddingly.)

To which my pastor/shepherd replied, “Oh, no. I was just being BIBLICAL.”

Well said, Pastor J. As usual, very well said.

Happy, blessed Thursday to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
If you’ve friended me on FaceBook, then you already know that the respiratory / fevered CRUD has made the leap from Sophie to Ellie to ME. So, you know, we’re in complete “just try to survive the day” mode around here. Hope your day is going much better.

PPS
If you live near Billings, Montana (or care to travel to here on a weekday evening), and have a conflict that you could use some help with, we have trained certified Christian conciliators available at our church at 7PM the first two Wednesdays of every month for no charge. It’s just one way that our little church strives to serve.

Wow. This video amazes me.

Talk about not being baited by a personal attack.
Talk about charitable presumptions.

A gentle answer really does turn away wrath.
What graciousness!

(Thanks, Melodee, for the link.)

The website for the 2010 Peacemaker Ministries Conference is now live:

2010 Peacemaker Conference — Forgiveness
September 16-19 in Washington D.C.

Hope you can make plans to attend! Steady Freddy B. will be there ...

“For many women, even Christian women, the longing for a place where they belong causes restlessness and insecurity. But the redeemed woman, who has been strengthened in her inner being to know that God has made a place for her in His heart will sing with the psalmist, “Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations” (Psalm 90:1) …

She knows that her “adoption through Jesus Christ” (Ephesians 1:5) makes her part of God’s family. She has been rooted and grounded in love; so she rejoices in her historical and global connection to God’s children, and she understands that she lives out that connection locally in the church where God has called her to serve.

She may not have to risk her neck for her spiritual family, but she is willing to risk her comfort to love her husband and children, to spiritually mother other women, to defend her church family in prayer, to care for and support the weak and the needy and the fearful, to protect the reputation of church leadership by refraining from gossip and criticism, to rescue rebellious women, to comfort the grieving and the lonely.” Duncan & Hunt, Women’s Ministry in the Local Church

Thanks, TakeYourVitaminZ, for this Bonhoeffer quote:

"Only that fellowship which faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects, begins to be what it should be in God’s sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it.

The sooner this shock of disillusionment comes to an individual and to a community the better for both.

A community which cannot bear and cannot survive such a crisis, which insists upon keeping its illusion when it should be shattered, permanently loses in that moment the promise of Christian community."

No more illusions.
Real life. Real community.

Amen. May it be so.

One of my fb friends, Thomas Knox Myrick, is a young man I don’t really know beyond fb-land, but Fred and I comment on how we’d like to get to know him based on his reading lists and updates (preach it Thomas!).

Today he posted a link to a great W. Smith article that I encourage you to read:

Wisdom in Relationships

Enjoy!

Take Your VitaminZ linked over to this article that had an interesting take on hard conversations:

On Hard Conversations

I think it is particularly of interest to me this morning because I’ve been reflecting this week on various hard conversations that people have had with me over the years—some, redemptive. Some, condemning. But all, truly hard.

I’ve also had to initiate some hard conversations lately—so that’ll have you on your knees and shaking a bit in your Keds as it were.

And the leadership event I’m participating in next weekend down in SC will discuss redemptive confrontation / the “3rd G” - Gently Restore, so the topic is heavy on my heart these days.

I could say 100 things about hard conversations / redemptive confrontation, etc. But this morning, the one thought that keeps coming to my mind over and over again is this:

When I have been confronted by someone who is on the same level plane as me (not “on the pedestal” with me “in the pit”) ...

When the person confronting me was careful and accurate and thoughtful in his or her words ...

Whenever I have been confronted by someone who did not threaten to leave or reject me ...

In those situations, hard and painful as they were, those conversations brought life to me.

And I will forever, forever, be grateful that those people loved me enough to tell me the truth.

Grace doesn’t always feel good in the moment. But I remain a grace junkie.

Blessings on your Friday!

I’m excited and a bit scared by the project I’m working on today while the girls enjoy a day with Mrs. G—

Yours,
Tara B.

It was so strange how this feeling of hopelessness regarding my marriage jumped on me this past weekend.

Fred and I weren’t fighting. We were, in fact, doing the opposite—you could see us both working hard to find ways to serve and bless the other person.

We weren’t mad at each other. We weren’t, in fact, mad at anyone or anything.

Life wasn’t particularly stressful. Nothing huge was going on.

And yet we kept MISSING each other. Do you ever have that in any of your relationships? You’re trying. They’re trying. But somehow, something you meant as encouraging is misinterpreted as a criticism. They think you’re frustrated or annoyed with them (when you’re not) and then you BECOME frustrated AND annoyed in response to how THEY responded to your (NON-) frustration and annoyance.

(Ergh.)

I woke up Sunday morning and thought:

"WHY OH WHY do we Christian conciliators ever even ATTEMPT to help people in conflict. If Fred and I, who aren’t even having a conflict (!!) can’t get along, what hope IS THERE for people who are really caught in a (years-long, decades-long) pattern of avoidance, attack, and misery in their relationship?"

Thankfully, by God’s grace alone, my next thought was a piece of counsel that I’ve heard Pastor Jason give in marriage mediations over and over (and OVER again)—including the time that Fred and I went to him for counseling two summers ago. He said:

"You’re right. There really isn’t any hope for your marriage in and of yourselves. You simply don’t have what you need to get through this. So what resources do you have that are BEYOND yourselves?"

And that was the thought that stuck with me as we went throughout our morning getting ready for church. “What resources do I have? What resources can I access? What are the means of grace for me RIGHT NOW in THIS situation?”

And when we were all heading out the door for church (with the girls wearing, incidentally, the Christmas dresses that Grandma Chris made them that never got to be worn during Christmas because of Sophie’s illness):



And Sophie ran to the bathroom with tummy distress and Fred encouraged me to go on to Sunday school and church and he would stay home with the girls? Well, I jumped on it. Because I was desperate to access the means of grace that would help me to remember TRUTH:

1. The preaching of the Word by our pastor. (Oh! How I needed to be fed.)

2. Corporate worship and prayer.

3. The sacrament of the Lord’s supper.

4. Encouraging friends who are truly suffering (far, far worse than anything I know).

5. Receiving the benediction. Having it wash over me.

5. Asking my elder and his wife to pray for me, for us.

And then heading home.

To a perfectly happy, no problems-ever marriage? No. But to my best friend and my beloved. The husband of my youth! The father of my children. The man that I truly do love.

Thank You, God, that you do not leave us as orphans. Thank You, God, that you do sustain us as we cast our burdens on You (Psalm 55:22). Thank You for fulfilling Your purpose for me (Psalm 57:2), for you truly do send out your steadfast love and faithfulness (Psalm 57:3).

Blessings on your week, dear blog friends!

Yours,
Tara B.

Tim Challies posted this Robert Frost poem a few days ago:

"When a friend calls to me from the road
And slows his horse to a meaning walk,
I don’t stand still and look around
On all the hills I haven’t hoed,
And shout from where I am, What is it?
No, not as there is a time to talk.
I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,
Blade-end up and five feet tall,
And plod: I go up to the stone wall
For a friendly visit."

Mmmmmmmmm ...

Don’t you just love the way poets capture real life at such a deep, resonant level? I have to say, adding in the discipline of reading poetry every day has been one of my favorite things about life with a six year-old. She loves poetry! And I am so edified by the poems we read and discuss (and laugh and cry over) together.

Plus, don’t you just love it when a friend, a true friend, thrusts the hoe into the ground (sets the laptop to the side, puts down the crackberry, takes off the bluetooth) and visits. Really visits.

Mmmmmmmmm ... thank God for friends!
And thank God for poetry.

Yours,
Tara B.

Thanks to the great people over at Peacemaker Ministries for posting a link to this CCEF article by Tim Lane:

Family Feuds: How to Respond

The whole article is worth your read, but here is my favorite paragraph:

"Often when we have a bad experience (like growing up in an abusive family), we let that experience define us and become our identity. But when you come to Jesus in faith he gives you his life and a whole new identity as a child of God. Of course you are still shaped by your experience, but you are not defined by it. Your identity is no longer determined by your family of origin, but by who you are in Christ. As you depend on God for your identity, he will make it possible for you to change the way you relate to your family."

Amen!

(And thanks, Dr. Lane, CCEF, and Peacemakers too.)

ByFaith just ran a classic Paul Tripp article that I encourage you to read (or re-read if you’re already familiar):

Created for Community

In it, the author not only explains the isolation and lack of genuine friendship that mark the lives of most Americans, he also provides a Christ-centered and helpful solution.

Consider just an excerpt:

"True community also requires intentionality. There are decisions that you will have to make, there are habits you will have to break, and there are choices you will have to make to live in productive Christian community. Along with these, true community requires sacrifice. I will never enjoy the productive community that the body of Christ was designed to be without making specific and concrete sacrifices of time, energy, schedule, leisure, privacy, etc. And true community with others requires patience. I never get to be in community with perfect people. So community is messy and unpredictable. Yet, God uses this messiness to promote His grace in our lives.

What does all of this mean? It means that community requires Christ ..."

Hope you enjoy!
(Not only the article, but also some genuine community today.)

Your birthday-cake-baking-playdate-hosting-for-a-brand-new-six-year-old-friend,
Tara B.

My post from yesterday about The Peacemaking Pastor being offered on Amazon for only $6.40 (!!) reminded me of an article I read by Andree Seu in last month’s World Magazine:

Message from Morocco: Relationship-Building is the Task Overarching the To-Do List

In it, she talks about receiving a call from a woman who is concerned about another woman who has three kids under six and is pregnant and is “exhibiting behavior reminiscent of the woman who drove her children into a lake some years ago.”

The caller asked Andree for the pastor’s phone number because, well, “Evidently the pastor must be called into this because, well, everybody else is busy (with church programs presumably).”

She then goes on to make what I think is a spot-on analysis of Body life, church leadership, one-anothering, living the gospel (call it what you will):

"I have a high regard for pastors but I don’t think this is going to work, mathmatically speaking. Too many Lauries, too few pastors."

It’s SO true!

Even following a church model wherein all of the ordained church leaders (in our Presbyterian church we call them elders and deacons, but insert whatever term your polity uses) are PAID (full-time) staff members, the math just can’t work. A small band of church leaders simply can’t be aware of and carefully, thoughtfully, prayerfully minister to the needs of the ENTIRE Body ALL the time.

How much more so when our church leaders are NOT paid, full-time staff whose ONLY job it is to watch out over their flock? (This is the case in our church and in most churches.) Yes, we have two teaching elders and one ruling elder who are paid staff. The rest of our elders and deacons work FULL-TIME in other jobs that earn money to provide for their families. Oh, yes, these leaders have FAMILIES too. So they work hard to keep bread on the table AND serve and lead their wives and children AND their extended family members AND their neighbors and our community WHILE keeping watch over us, their sheep. (Some of us—let’s say her name rhymes with “LARA”—being more high maintenance sheep than others.)

They pray for us daily. Weekly. Monthly. All the time.

They stay late after church services — just in case there is a need. They don’t watch the clock. They listen and pray and comfort and help.

They come to our homes. They pray over our children and help us to discipline and encourage them.

They meet us out for, let’s call it a meal, but really? It’s a “Please help! Our marriage is in trouble!” meeting.

They leave their families and workplaces to spend hours in session and diaconate meetings — scheduled and emergency unscheduled.

They wait with us in the hospital and visit us on our deathbed. They help our families to grieve and our church family to grieve corporately — all while they themselves are grieving too.

Yes, imperfectly. Of course.

But faithfully. Intentionally. Keenly aware of their duties as shepherds of the sheep.

Oh, how we are called to honor, pray for, love, and encourage them! To listen to their counsel. To not think of them as Spiritual-ATM’s (only there to dispense things TO us), but to remember that they are human. Children of God themselves.

AND? We are called to GROW UP, GET INVOLVED, and HELP THEM. To set aside baby milk and dig into the meat of real Christian living — disciplines of grace, private and corporate worship and prayer, and yes, SERVICE.

The math is clear — there are just “too many Lauries and too few pastors.” We are the Body. We must BE the Body. Ministered-TO and ministering-OUT. Imperfectly, but with great confidence and great HOPE because we have the Holy Spirit, the Word, the Word Made Flesh, the Bride, the Preaching of the Word, the Sacraments — all because our Heavenly, Triune Father is such a good and sovereign God. Transcendent and yet immanent. Above all, over all — and yet with us.

As we trust in His love, we CAN learn how to love one another. We can grow in our ability to minister to one another in the “daily” challenges of life in a fallen world so that, yes, of course, when there are times that REQUIRE special attention (2AM calls to the pastor, assistance from other professionals, even—sadly, but sometimes necessarily—the wise wielding of civil authorities per Romans 13), we haven’t exhausted our shepherds with every teeny tiny need along the way.

How do we grow? How are we equipped to serve?

- Regular attendance at and active participation in weekly corporate church services where the Word is preached by our ordained leaders, we worship and pray corporately, and we joyfully receive God’s sacraments

- Mentoring. Spiritual mothering. Men’s triads. Discipleship. Accountability.

- Bible study. Book study. Group discussions. “Friend Groups.”

- Peacemaking Teams (or really ANY resources from Peacemaker Ministries). How People Change (or really ANY resources from The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation).

I could go on and on (you know I could! ol' verbal Tara is only ramping up on this topic, eh? ) ...

But instead, let me just close by saying this: We are the Body. The Body of Christ.
Oh, that we would all grow up into Him Who is our Head!

"And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love." Ephesians 4:11-16 (emphasis added)

Blessings on your day, dear friends —

Sending my love,
Tara B.

I have no idea why it is priced so low—but I just saw that my pastor’s (AMAZING!) book, The Peacemaking Pastor is currently being offered on Amazon for only $6.40 (!!).

Oh, friends, if you have even a passing interest in biblical peacemaking / gospel relationships / unity / the Church and you haven’t yet read this book, PLEASE pop on over and buy it today.

It goes SO far beyond “resolving church conflict.” And although I truly believe it’s a MUST READ for all ordained church leaders (it’s that good), it is also for all of US, plain-joe-and-jane church MEMBERS.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe it when I saw the price and I just had to tell you about it. If only cashflow so allowed, I’d buy a ton of copies myself so that I could sell them cheaper at my events in 2010.

Oh, and the title of this post is a paraphrase of something Pastor Alfred says at the very beginning of the book. I know it’s on page 18 (because I read it at a lot of my events) and that it follows a paragraph something along the lines of:

"I did not plan to be a heretic ... but I woke one day to see in the mirror a pastor with a tired face and a weary soul. I had entered the pastorate eager to practice the “care of souls.” But I woke that day frightened to find that I did not care anymore. I was tired of the conflicts, the sin, the gossip, the divisions. You know what it looks like ..."

If I had more time, I’d go pull my copy and get you the exact wording, but Ella woke up and is (LOUDLY!) needing me, so I have to run.

Hope this is a blessing to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
In the interest of full disclosure, I want to remind you that if you ever click through this blog and buy something from Amazon, I get a little bit of cash.

If you’ve ever listened to my testimony, you know that I come from a bit of a challenging family background.

Thankfully, I have a good relationship with my mom, dad, and sister now. But every once in awhile, waves of emotions related to my past will splash over me (and often feel like they’re drowning me). This is especially true around the holidays.

I don’t know why the holidays can be so tempting to feelings of sadness, loneliness, and dissatisfaction with family relationships. Maybe it’s the canned, fake sentimentality of a “Folgers Christmas Commercial” perfect family. Maybe it’s genuine grief over the effects of sin on this fractured life in a fallen world. Probably, it’s a combination of the two.

Whatever the secondary causes, I know that at their foundation, my struggles are about my heart—my desires, fears, longings, lack of faith, lack of gratitude, sadness ... humanness.

And this week? As I looked forward to my father’s visit on the one hand and feared it on the other? When emotions from 30+ years ago felt as raw and real as they did in 1978? Well, I did what I always do ... I ran to the church.

I’m still cringing a bit over my wording (spontaneous prayer request times do not usually lend themselves to well-organized or pithy oratory, at least for me) ... but I’m very grateful that I stood up in church on Sunday morning and (shaking a bit and feeling weak and stupid), asked for prayer for my heart as I sought to serve my dad and his wife this week.

Many people have been so kind to let me know that they are praying. (One woman who I don’t even know very well, but I sure HOPE to get to know better, even stopped by with a ribboned package of homemade cards for me to open throughout the week when I need encouragement and a little love. Can you believe that? People are SO cool.)

And I credit their prayers with not only a day-by-day, minute-by-minute “OK-ness,” but also a fairly radical moment of conviction for me earlier in the week.

It came as I was thinking about what it might look like for me to remember Christ in the moments when I am tempted to hold a grudge or be ungrateful, critical, graceless, or just plain ol' mean. I thought to myself, "What does mercy look like in this moment? What would it mean to actually breathe grace / live the gospel / be a Christian in this moment?"

And I realized that it would mean that I would interact with my father as though he had a perfectly clean slate before me.

Rather than treating him based on things that happened (or didn’t happen) in my childhood, I would see before me a human being. (And in his case, a very frail, old, sick human being.) And I would have mercy on him and accept him as he is (rather than holding against him all the things he is not).

I would look for ways to be real, genuine, and authentic in my care of him (and his wife).

I would pray for him and be brave in actually reading the Bible to him (if he would so allow) and discussing it with him (if he would so allow).

I would be careful to treat him at least as well as I would treat a stranger in my midst. (Because it hit me—if I could be kind to a STRANGER, how could I not be kind to my own FATHER?)

Don’t you think that my little progression of grace just HAS to be from the One, True, Powerful, Almighty, All Loving, All Knowing, Forgiving, Gracious, Triune God? I do. And I am very grateful.

Thanks for the prayers, friends.

May we all enjoy a blessed, gracious, gospel-filled Thanksgiving.

With love,
Tara B.

Well ... just like most topics in life, I surely didn’t know one QUARTER of the potential issues, interests, challenges, and pitfalls associated with this one. Yes, yes, like most Christians I had (casually) “mediated” (discussed?) topics and conflicts related church building usage over the years. And thinking back on it, I’d have to say that pretty much every conflicted church intervention I learned about or reviewed when I was still on staff at Peacemakers had at least one church building use issue—even if it was only a presenting issue.

Still, I was surprised by how diverse the documentation from various churches is. Some really go the “three paragraph, only approved church ministries EVER” route. Others go the “three paragraph, open our doors wide to anyone” route. Most are somewhere in between.

If you’re interested in reading what I found to be a good/wise representation of a “middle of the road” approach, I encourage you to check out the summary and official policy for the First Presbyterian Church of Wheaton.

(Noting, however, that I am not RECOMMENDING their policy for your church because I have no idea what your church needs or what your leaders have decided for the convictions that will guide your policy.)

It’s just a good read if you like to read this sort of stuff (book of church orders, civ pro, etc.). A nice balance of generosity and colloquial wisdom with a little bit of Roberts Rules and lawyerly stuff thrown in to keep things clear.

(Oh, and I have no affiliation with this church whatsoever. I just found their docs through the magic of google. So if you DO have a relationship with this church and you ever learn that they’re ticked because I’ve posted links here, please just let me know and I’ll delete this post. I felt comfortable linking because a) it was in the public domain; and b) there was no language saying I shouldn’t. However, causing conflict over conflicts associated with church building use policies? Nah. I’d rather skip that if I can.)

Blessings to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.

I know that I’m blogging a lot on motherhood/home issues—that’s where the majority of my time is spent and where (obviously) my heart is most engaged these days.

But just to give you a little behind-the-scenes peek at some other things I’m working on:

- A friend has invited me to work with him on a book project related to peacemaking in the church and I am just THRILLED. I can’t wait for his wisdom to reach even more people!

- My denomination has invited me to serve at our women’s leadership conference in February, so I’m praying and trying to get organized for that event (and my other 2010 events too).

- I’m trying to help our church administrator to brainstorm on some ideas related to our church’s building and use policy.

It’s that last one that I would REALLY appreciate your help with ...

If you have a moment, would you please leave a comment or email me the specs of your church’s policy for building use?

Specifically, I’m wondering how your church balances the desire to generously SERVE your community with the importance of being WISE STEWARDS of church resources. (The lawyer-brain Tara particularly goes to legal liability and insurance risk issues on that one.)

Any help you could give me would be greatly appreciated!

Hope you have a blessed day—

Yours,
Tara B.

I learned many years ago that whenever something really bugs me about a certain person, I should take a moment and reflect on how similar I am to him or her because often the very thing that bothers me the most about another person is what bothers me most about myself.

For example ...

Yesterday Fred took a long lunch hour and met us out at the punkin' patch for a little autumnal fun.

(Ever since Sophie was a toddler we’ve LOVED “punkin' patch time!” as we refer to the gloriously beautiful fall season that SOME people might like to try to take over with skeletons and witches, etc. "But that’s just not a good fit for our family; too dark and not at all beautiful," as Soph would say. So we enjoy the fun aspects and then top off the season with our church’s Reformation Party because, you know, Presbyterians really know how to PAR-TEE.)





(BTW–did you note that she was wearing a GOLDEN-doodle poodle skirt the first year? Fun fun!)

So there we are yesterday with Fred, enjoying the hay-bale-find-a-punkin'-maze and the games and the hay ride, etc.:



And I see an impeccably-dressed woman (a thin shirt-tucker, of course), kneeling down in frustration over her impeccably-dressed little girl, brushing off a few strands of hay from the little girl’s (probably $100) fashionista shoes. I think to myself, “Hrmpf! Give me a break! Let the little girl have some fun. What kind of uptight mother are you that you can’t just let your little girl have a little fun ... etc. etc.”

('Course I don’t SAY these words to anyone. Don’t want to seem unloving / ungodly. But OH! The blackness of my heart ...)

We go along, “having fun”, me being “SO OK” with the amount of hay in my daughter’s socks and the amount of dirt on all of our shoes (aren’t I a great person?!). Until. Until.

Soph decides to play one more game and promptly DROPS her pom-poms RIGHT into a pile of hay and I KNEW the teeny-tiny-little pieces of hay were going to go DEEP into the multi-strands of the pom-poms in some sort of permanent mess producing “horror” and I used THE LOOK and THE TONE that communicates a completely inappropriate level of displeasure to my sweet, happy little five year old. I didn’t yell. I didn’t even raise my voice. But I was so very, very wrong in how I communicated with her.

It’s hay! Who cares? Get a life, Tara. Be more like Samara-the-unflappable and Fred-the-ever-gracious. Don’t be like the woman you were so quick to judge and criticize a few minutes ago. Because it is just SO true that the very thing I hated the most in her is the very thing I hate the most in me.

Oh, but here is the Good News. The wonderful, wonder-producing, hope-filled news: We can be forgiven. We are growing and changing. And there is grace even for us!

On the ride home, Sophie and I relived the silliness of the punkin' patch time and we giggled over the blessings in her treat bag. We immediately applied the beautiful dragonfly “tattoo” as soon as we got home and then we cuddled under a blanket and read together to take advantage of the few minutes we had, just the two of us, while Ella continued to sleep.

And we also talked briefly about my regret over my over-reaction to her dropping her pom-poms in the hay. I apologized. I explained that I didn’t want to be an overly-harsh mother and that Jesus was helping me to change. She forgave me (again) and we moved on (again) with our hearts knit together.

(Just how knit together? Oh! I have a fun little story to tell that I hope to type up for you tomorrow ... grace grace grace! I’m a total addict.)

But for now I’ll sign off with this encouragement / gentle challenge ...

When someone rubs you the wrong way; if you “just don’t like her”; if a certain person pushes your buttons and drives you a little batty ... take a moment to consider how his or her weaknesses are just like your own weaknesses.

- Are they loud and overly domineering? (Are you?)

- Do they always seem disorganized and disheveled? (How much pride do you take in how you’ve overcome this tendency and are NOW so perfectly on-time and orderly?)

- Is she weak? Too tender? Never assertive? Always so quiet and submissive? (Do you hate how you never have the courage to speak up?)

God gives us grace and time to grow; even in (especially in!) our greatest areas of weakness. How is He calling us to give others that same grace and time?

With that, I’ll sign off for now. Punkin' carving and seed-baking tomorrow!

Yours in the battle,
Tara B.

Here’s a quick request for all of my blog readers (and in particular, the ones who know me in “real life”):

If you ever think that one of my blog posts might be about you or a situation you know about ...

Or if you have concerns about me, my parenting, what I share in my writing / teaching / blogging ...

Rather than talking to OTHERS about it, please do consider contacting me directly.

In so doing, we may be able to clear up a miscommunication. (I often file blog ideas away for MONTHS and then change the facts SUBSTANTIALLY just to avoid even the possibility that someone might see themselves in a post. So you may THINK that you know the situation, but it might be something entirely different.)

Also, if we do actually know each other in real life, it will help our relationship to be genuine. Loving. Real. (It is very hard to trust when you know that there are people talking about you behind your back.)

And of course, I may genuinely need your counsel (and even your rebuke)! The truth is, I always try my hardest to focus on MY heart when I blog—and not the other person in any situation. So hopefully I’m discussing my struggles with unbelief, sin, repentance, confession, etc., and NOT someone else’s (unless I have their express and explicit permission.) But sometimes I blow it! I’ve received (appropriate) rebukes from blog friends in the past and taken down posts in response—how much more so should I listen to the counsel and concerns of a “real life” friend?

So, please. Truly. If you have a concern with me or with this blog, please don’t talk to others about it. Please approach me. Or if I’m too scary, please go to Fred (he’s not scary!) or my pastor, Jason Barrie (he’s not scary either!), and they will help you to help me.

Nameless, faceless, anonymous criticism through a third person is just a hard thing for anyone to bear. Please consider avoiding it.

Thanks much—

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Thanks for all of the nice, encouraging comments. I really appreciate it!

My friend and I are continuing to work through Ed Welch’s addictions curriculum, "Crossroads". It is definitely worth the read, especially if you appreciated his book, "Addictions: A Banquet at the Grave", if you struggle with an addiction, and/or if you know and love someone who struggles with an addiction.

Today’s lesson included two quotes (one in the facilitator’s guide and the other in the basic material) that I wanted to share with you:

"Are you frustrated with someone? Don’t bury it. Someday it will come out as a craving for your addiction."

“Bad relationships left to stew and ferment end in cravings.”

Isn’t that SO true?

Even if you don’t think of yourself as an “addict,” can’t you relate to those statements?

Someone hurts us, and so we ...

- turn on the television
- go shopping
- indulge a little too much in (food, s*x, exercise, sleep)

We stuff it down and run away (even if we’re physically present). But one day, it IS going to erupt. Our hurts, frustrations, and resentments WILL show themselves in our cravings.

Oh! How I am praying for FAITH and an obedient heart to overlook, have a (gracious, forbearing) thick skin, and (when necessary), FORGIVE.

Blessings on your Thursday! I’m going to start laundry and packing now ...

Yours,
Tara B.

Without getting into the complexities of major offenses (involving criminal activities, civil authorities, etc.) ...

Thinking only of the relatively mundane (but truly hurtful!) real-life conflicts that we all face in our workplaces, marriages, parenting, friendships, churches, schools, etc ...Have you ever thought (or even SAID) something like this?

"Sure. I forgive you. You bet. No problem. [But NOW I know the REAL YOU and I know to never EVER be real with you or trust you again.]"

It’s almost as though we know we “HAVE TO” forgive, so we offer some token “Christian” words. But all the while, we are closing down our hearts. Tight. Locked. "You can’t hurt me again."

If you’re familiar with the Foundational Principles of Peacemaker Ministries, then you know that such a (human! understandable! but wrong) attitude clearly violates the last promise of The Four Promises of Forgiveness:

1. “I will not dwell on this incident.”
2. “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.”
3. “I will not talk to others about this incident.”
4. “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

In Peacemaking Women, Judy and I expand that fourth promise and explain it like this:

"I will not avoid you or neglect our relationship. Instead, I will pray, allow time, and faithfully labor towards our continued reconciliation and the true restoration of our relationship ...

True forgiveness sets us free to work toward restoration of the relationship. As is often the case, we may not feel like close friends at the end of the peacemaking process even though we have reached a point of reconciliation. This is because the need for restoration still exists. To better understand this concept, it is helpful to make the distinction between reconciliation and restoration.

Think of the analogy of a broken bone. If a leg is broken, the doctor sets the bone and the gap is healed (reconciled). This is what happens when someone confesses to us and we forgive her. In the same way that a freshly set bone is not ready to bear weight, a broken relationship, newly reconciled, often needs time and help to be fully restored. A broken bone might need a cast or physical therapy for complete restoration. The same thing happens to a relationship following reconciliation. It often takes prayer, time, and focused effort to build trust back into a formerly broken relationship. A good rule of thumb: the greater the fracture, the longer the recovery time. Just as a healed bone that never bears weight will never grow stronger, relationships that are avoided or neglected will never grow stronger. God’s grace and mercy enable us to strengthen reconciled relationships. We may send cards or emails, take extra time to share a gift that truly communicates love, or any other countless acts of kindness that communicate our commitment to the relationship. Reconciliation is an event, but restoration is a process that slowly restores the relationship."

I struggle even as I read the words we wrote because. Well. Honestly? When I’ve really been hurt by someone, I don’t even want to look them in the EYE more or less WORK HARD to rebuild and restore the relationship.

But Love compels me:

"And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother." 1 John 4:21

Oh! How I thank God that He never calls us to do something without giving us the grace to obey.

Sending my love,
Tara B.

Today I had a very uncomfortable few hours wherein I wrestled with this reality:

I was being required to do something that I simply could not do.

It wasn’t immoral or illegal. (Thank God! I’d had THAT situation erupt as a first year associate attorney back in Chicago and I have to say, it’s shocking and horrible when you have to face that, “How will I respond?!?” question re: ethics / convictions / and your ability to pay back $73,000 in grad school loans. I chose to walk away, of course. But it was a frightening / the room is SPINNING / who am I REALLY kind of moment.)

Today was much less exciting or important. My limitations simply abutted a rule/policy and OH MY OH MY! I just couldn’t figure out a plan on what to do.

At first I was angry. (My initial, emotional response was, “This is SO not wise!” But of course, when I took a breath and thought about it rationally, I knew that it was.)

Then I just wanted to run away. (I really do like the “Escape Zone” of the Slippery Slope.)

But finally, by God’s grace, I realized this: If I couldn’t do what was being required of me, that was probably a fairly good indicator from the Lord that I am not the right person for this particular area of service.

And that was really, truly, 100% OK with me.

I never really WANTED to serve in this way. It just seemed like a good/wise opportunity to serve and bless.

I am absolutely SURE that someone else can serve better.

So my heart (and spinning/racing MIND!) really started to CALM DOWN when I realized:

"Hey! I can’t do this. Either someone else is going to be able to do this OR this particular ministry will simply fold OR the people in leadership will re-evaluate the wisdom of their decision / help come up with a creative solution, etc. In any case. IT’S OK, TARA. Let it GO."

A tiny bit of growth, eh?

And to think ... I’m only almost-40. By almost-80, I might have the teeniest, tiniest bit of maturity to me.

("But for sure in Heaven." As Sophia always reminds me.)

Hope your day was a blessed one and either you WEREN’T required to do something you cannot do OR you came to clarity faster and easier than me.

G'nite, all!

Yours,
Tara B.

Many thanks to Terry P. for sending an encouraging email, poem, and this John Calvin quote too:

"Every Christian should have his Church enclosed within his heart, and be affected with its maladies, as if they were his own, sympathize with its sorrows, and bewail its sins." John Calvin

Last night as we were cuddling, Sophie shared with me that one of her friends has a habit of threatening her whenever they get into any little quarrel:

"I’m not going to invite you over for ANY more PLAYDATES!"

We talked about how it makes her feel and how she hopes to never make anyone feel that way.

We also practiced some peacemaking words that we would use in similar situations in the future:

"I know we’re quarreling now, but we are friends and we are going to work through this conflict."

“This is a hard fight and we may need to get some help from our parents. But please know that I love you and I am committed to being your friend and I am confident that we will work through this fight and be reconciled.”

(And on and on ...)

I’m so blessed that Sophie talks with me about such matters! How I pray that I will comfort and counsel her well.

OK. Ella is sleeping, so I’m going to try to get a little sleep too.

Blessings!
– Tara B.

What a great roundup of articles on church discipline (including a legal risk management one by Ken Sande)! Hooray for IX Marks:

Facing Up to Church Discipline

There’s a great read over at Christ is Deeper Still that gives one answer to the question, “How come a stereotype of the church today is one of a ‘holier than thou’ mentality?”

Holier Than Thou

Today I could barely function.

I woke up with a fever of 101.7 and it wavered between 101.5 and 102.5 all day long.

Talk about knocking you down further when you already feel terrible! Nothing like a fever to make even subsistence life feel unattainable.

Thankfully, two friends came over to help with the girls (or else I would’ve had to call Fred home from his first day of work—which I would’ve felt terrible about!), so Sophie and Ella actually had a wonderful day being loved on by Miss Laura and “Grandma K” (as we now get to call Mrs. Klostermeier! Hooray for Spiritual Grandparents!).

And, Fred actually had a phenomenal hot ("real") meal tonight because Grandma Fannie brought over a hearty, delicious stew. And then two more friends showed up in the evening and spent 30 minutes knocking out vacuuming of the entire house.

So I’m thinking that maybe I should be sick more often since my family’s domestic needs are taken care of SO MUCH BETTER when I’m incapacitated. But no one wants to feel this sick ...

ANYWAY, lying around, feeling miserable, I had lots of time to think about some of the particularly difficult peacemaking situations I’ve faced in the last few weeks (when I’ve felt just so completely AWFUL physically):

- We had a very bad experience with the hospital’s birth center, but a particularly awful experience related to one nurse. I don’t want to describe her as mean (because meanness has an element of intentionality and I truly don’t know her well enough to make that judgment call); but let’s just say that I was in tears more than once after having to relate with her. Plus, she was the real reason I left the hospital only 48 hours after my c-section ... I just couldn’t handle another twelve hours with her. But here’s the peacemaking question ... how should I address that when the “How did you like your stay at the family birth center?” little evaluation forms and calls come? Is it appropriate for me to share my honest feedback with these “customer care” surveys if I haven’t ever spoken to HER about my experience? Or since I chose to not engage with her (i.e., I didn’t think it was a good idea to try to confront her 12 hours post-c-section when she forced me to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom still hooked up to my I.V., pain med pump, catheter, etc. and had me, well, pretty much undressed and completely vulnerable. I just didn’t feel like I could pull out any redemptive confrontation right then. But maybe I’m just kidding myself and trying to justify my FLIGHT response.) Anyway, now I’m curious ... how do I handle the “customer care” feedback? Hmmmmm ....

- Another “peacemaking when you just feel awful” topic has to do with FAMILY RELATIONS because, oh my STARS but Fred and I have had some doozy ol' fights. (And, yes, there were a few tense moments when we had lots of relatives in and out too, but really nothing too bad with extended family relations.) Sophie has also been, ahem, adjusting to our new life (and me being gone so much / in and out of the hospital so much / even when home, out of it so much, has made things particularly hard). There were times when it felt like Fred and I were caught in that cul-de-sac of “we’ll NEVER be able to communicate with each other again!” hopelessness and I was really tempted to just GIVE UP. And I can’t tell you how hard it has been to see Sophie suffering so much with her own little heart challenges. (One particularly Freudian dream of Ella and me sailing away from Sophie on a giant ship TRULY broke my heart. Can you imagine the transition she is going through and how hard it must be? She LOVES Ella. Absolutely adores her! And then struggles with “hating” her and feels awful for feeling that way. Oh! I am so grateful that Sophie talks so openly and honestly with me and we can walk through this all together.) Here’s the peacemaking moment in all of it ... Grace really does pierce through. Stony, selfish hearts. Transitioning to “sharing” Momma and being a big sister. Feeling hopeless and helpless in marriage. Grace is greater still. We’re going to get through this.

- For the last month, I’ve been leaving phone messages and trying to track down the head of (I’m changing the facts here!), ummm, Sophie’s little sports team league because apparently, at their last practice, a male teacher made some sort of comment to the kids like, “OK, girls, if you do this right, the boys are going to blow you a kiss. But if you DON’T do this right, then YOU have to give the BOYS a kiss.” Sophie was VERY upset after their practice and I immediately pulled her out of the group until I could talk with the owner and find out a) what happened; and b) determine if the kids were safe; and c) hopefully ensure that it not happen again. So, for four weeks now (yes, from ALL of my hospital stays, including the E.R. last Thursday), I’ve been calling and calling and trying to connect with the owner. We finally talked this morning and, even though in my initial call (four weeks ago) when I asked if he knew anything about this (and he said no) and I asked him if he would look into it to figure out what happened and ensure it wouldn’t happen again (and he said he would), TODAY, he told me that ACTUALLY? He was the male teacher who made those comments and “he’s been saying such sarcastic things in fun for 20 years and no child has ever complained.” So yet another peacemaking issue for me (while fevered, while feeling horrible) .... what do I do with this information? Confront him (especially about how his story changed / four weeks ago he said it was inappropriate, now he says it’s just “sarcastic fun”)? Pull Soph from the sports league? (I honestly don’t believe she is in ANY danger. But Fred and I are in agreement that such “teasing” is NOT appropriate and we wish this teacher/owner agreed.) We decided to talk about it as a family and see how Sophie felt about it. She agreed that she is not in any danger, but that such teasing is not really the best thing. She confirmed with us that she did the right thing in telling us (OF COURSE!) because if there is EVER a situation that makes her uncomfrotable in ANY way, we want to know about it because it is our job to keep her safe. But ultimately, she decided she wants to keep participating in the sports league and just let such “sarcastic comments” (the teacher’s adjective; clearly he doesn’t understand what the word sarcasm means) roll off her back and not worry about them.

I could go on and on. (I even thought about a “peacemaking with my own body” example because after all three surgeries I’ve had in the last three weeks, my own body’s FREAKING OUT and developing an INCREDIBLY ITCHY, blistering, raised RASH has made recovery and sleep and just life in general so miserable!)

But instead, I’m going to sign off with just this one closing thought:

Peacemaking (living the gospel / living from an eternal perspective / remembering Christ) is hard enough under normal circumstances. But when we are physically weakened, emotionally drained, dealing with major stressors? It is absolutely impossible in and of our own strength.

Of course, MOST peacemaking takes place in JUST those types of situations! We’re weakened, scared, hurting, in jeopardy ... and THAT’S why the conflicts (miscommunications / personality differences / sufferings) can feel SO overwhelming.

But God gives us more grace. In our weakness, He really IS strong. We may not see a way out—everything can feel overwhelming and out of control. But nothing is out of God’s control.

And with that, Ella is beginning to stir against me, so I think it might be time for some more Momma Milkies and Baba Milkies.

G'nite all!

And thanks again for your patience with my non-blogging status.

With love,
Tara B.

Yesterday was supposed to be this really calm, relaxing, fun day of being pampered. But instead, it was (in retrospect FUNNY, but at the time NOT so funny) ... a day of one minor little “NOT QUITE RIGHT THING” after another:

- Lilikoi DID get groomed (and OH! a freshly groomed Golden Retriever is SO silky and wonderful) but when I got her home there was this teeny-tiny little knot of fur still under one of her ears. NO BIGGIE. 99.5% of the zillions of little knots had been perfectly groomed out, but I still had to get scissors and cut it out as I thought, “I just spent Fred’s hard-earned money on THIS?”

- My prenatal massage was, ummmm, let’s just say UNPLEASANT. The “salon” smelled so overwhelmingly like nail polish remover that I thought I as going to be sick. The massage room was closed-in, hot, stuffy, AND although my back didn’t hurt when I ARRIVED, it sure did when I LEFT and for the rest of the day/night. Not really your textbook goal for a massage result, eh? (And again, I’m thinking, “I just spent money on THIS?!”)

- I HATE PEDICURES. It hurt SO bad (!!). And the part that didn’t hurt, TICKLED and made me JUMP. Plus, the WHOLE reason I was getting one was because I won’t be able to bend over for weeks and I just wanted FRESH POLISH that would (according to everyone I knew) “LAST & LAST FOR WEEKS” because they put it on in some super-special-super-glue-super-thick-professional-pedicure way. Yeah. Right. OK. Even being PERFECTLY careful during the drying phase (because I was really motivated to have it work) ... sitting perfectly still for 20 minutes reading a People magazine (filled, by the way, with people I do NOT know) and then SO carefully driving home and sitting for TWO HOURS editing something for Fred, trying to take care of some correspondence, etc. And THEN? Last NIGHT? Way past when she assured me it would be “perfectly dry”? A big piece just FALLS OFF. Seriously? SOPHIE could’ve done a better job and (altogether now), “I wouldn’t have wasted Fred’s hard earned money.”

Oh, but wait ... there’s more. I haven’t even really gotten to the biggest, dumbest, “NO BIGGIE” but so embarrassing/annoying part of my day:

So, I go to pick up our dry cleaning at the same place I’ve gone for almost ten years. She hands me a bunch of Fred’s shirts, but his pants aren’t there.

THE WHOLE REASON I TOOK THINGS TO THE DRY CLEANERS WAS BECAUSE FRED’S PANTS NEEDED CLEANING.

Where are the pants?
Where are the pants?

Poor, sweet, dry cleaning woman (who, by the way, totally reminds me of my MOM—in a good way; like I really try to chat with her and get to know her).

I wasn’t mad. It more felt like I was GOING mad. Just a little crazy. Just a little, “Where are the pants? Am I losing my mind? OH MY STARS I can’t believe it! Where are the pants? Where are the pants?”

Crazy ol' Tara.

So I filled out a “missing pants” form (wherein I swore—upon pain and penalty of perjury??) that I HAD dropped off these pants and they were now missing. And I headed home thinking to myself, “Did I NOT bring the pants? Did Fred NOT put the pants in the dry cleaning bag?” So I went upstairs, checked his closet, and OF COURSE, the (needing to be cleaned) pants are hanging neatly on a hanger.

So back we go to the dry cleaners. It’s 100 degrees out. We’re exhausted and hungry. But I said to Sophie:

"I need to apologize, Sophie. And I need to get the “lost pants form” back. I feel SO stupid, but it’s 5:15, they’re about to close, and I need to make this right."

My backseat encourager replies, “Don’t worry, Mom. I’m sure she’ll forgive you. It was just a mistake.”

I go. Apologize. Drop off the pants FOR REAL to be cleaned. My dry cleaning lady friend is very gracious. BUT I STILL FEEL SO STUPID. I even ask Sophie, “Why do you think I feel so bad even though I know I’ve been forgiven?”

My backseat encourager jumps in again, "You know, Mom, I think you may be over-reacting."

Don’t you just love this kid? TOTALLY CRACKS ME UP every time I think about it.

Over-reacting? Me? Ya' think?

So anyway ...

The bottomline is that everything is really going GREAT.

Soph woke up singing the, “Two more days 'til the BABY COMES” song and Fred and Soph are already out on their bikes, watching hot air balloons lift off for a show this weekend, dressed in complete matchies ("life is good" t-shirts, denim shorts, baseball caps (after helmets are off), tennis shoes, even both wearing WATCHES although only ONE is a Pink Princess Watch). We’re going to enjoy a family pancake breakfast when they get back. And then my sister Kali and her Fred will arrive!

Can’t believe I was such a freak yesterday about such inconsquential things.

In my “defense” (or just trying to draw out / understand my heart a bit), Fred did help me to see a few REAL things that were very, very troubling to me yesterday:

- My friend emailed me early in the morning asking for prayer because she thought she was miscarrying. I couldn’t stop thinking of her all day long. (As I’m typing this blog, I JUST got an email that the baby is OK! But it was the last thing I thought of as I went to sleep and the first thing I thought of as I woke up this morning.)

- Another friend had called me in crisis because his/her spouse is having what seems to me to be pretty much a mental break / severe emotional crisis (I don’t know what the official CCEF-type-term would be), such that we really need to rally the resources of not only the church but biblical counselors and maybe medical help too. My heart is so (constantly) heavy for this beloved family!

- I know this may sound very silly, but it truly was a weight on me last night ... Fred and I, as THRILLED as we are about having Eleanor, as GRATEFUL as we are to have this precious little newborn ... are also feeling just a tiny bit strange about being nearly 40 years old as we navigate back into the newborn baby stage of life. Our peers have, you know, college students for children. And don’t get me wrong! I LOVE my 20-something-friends-who-are-having-newborns. But it is a tiny big strange that our “peers” weren’t yet BORN when we were in COLLEGE. This isn’t a bad thing. Just a little different.

- Lastly, and I think this is the kicker; the thing I really had to repent of and pray through and entrust to the Lord ... I really think that deep down in my heart yesterday, I was just AFRAID. Afraid that Ella would not survive; that something would happen between now and Monday morning (or during the delivery Monday morning) and she would die. AND I was afraid that she would live; that we really WOULD actually HAVE A BABY again. And that I wouldn’t be able to care for her adequately; that I would not be a functional, godly, stable, loving mom for her.

And that’s the kind of circular, fear-based, catastrophic, no-good-ending thinking that can really freak you out, isn’t it? When EVERY POTENTIAL SOLUTION paralyzes you and terrifies you (what if the baby LIVES? what if the baby DIES?), you’re not really a) thinking rationally; and/or b) living in the light of the glorious TRUTH of the gospel of the Triune God.

And so I repented.

Listened to the counsel of my daughter ("Give yourself a break, Mom! Give yourself some grace! Just like you’re always telling me. No biggie. Let it go.") and laughed at the (many!) “off” things from my day.

Talked with my husband.

Ate some peanut butter toast at midnight (yum!).

Remembered three true things about God (and then THANKED HIM for Who He is).

And went to bed.

"Two more days 'til the baby comes ..." (It’s a cuter song when you can hear the melody Soph puts to it.)

Blessings on your Saturday!

Yours,
Tara B.

TakeYourVitaminZ posted some great questions on diagnosing bitterness from Mark Driscoll’s Death by Love. (A book, by the way, which lots of people I respect keep recommending, but which has such an ugly cover I’ve avoided it. Pretty dumb reason to avoid a book, don’t you think?)

Consider:

1) Do you continually replay in your mind with great detail a negative past event and dislike for the person(s) involved?

2) Do you find yourself continually referring to someone in a pejorative fashion because of some past hurt?

3) Do you intentionally avoid certain person(s) because you find yourself becoming continually annoyed and angry in their presence?

4) Do you find that your dislike of someone is growing over time?

I encourage you to read the entire post and consider working through Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s (fantastic!) book, Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom if you are, in fact, struggling with bitterness. It is biblical, practical, and gospel-centered — and it really helps if you’re having a hard time forgiving someone.

What a privilege it is to get to see (and pray for!) the behind-the-scenes making of Peacemaker Ministries' new resource, “The Leadership Challenge: Living Out the Gospel Where Conflict and Leadership Intersect.” I am right now reading through the first half of the study guide and it is wonderful! I am so excited for this resource to (hopefully) be available for churches this fall.

To whet your appetite in the interim, I want to direct you to a fantastic article on leadership by Ken Sande:

Approachability: The Passport to Real Ministry and Leadership

It is lengthy, but worth the read.

One paragraph, in particular, reminded me of one of the great and godly men who had a profound impact on my life during my late teens and early twenties, Dr. Paul Jensen.

Dr. Jensen was a philosophy professor at my undergrad and he also taught in the Presidential Scholars course, so I overlapped with him academically. (One of my favorite courses of all time was his “Philosophy of Theology” course.) In addition, he taught Sunday School class and occasionally preached at my little (beloved!) PCUSA church in Moline, Illinois, so he was really the first person to introduce me to Calvin, Augustine, Berkhof, etc.

But most influential on my life was that he was my friend. He (and his wife and young children) took them time to get to know me. They invited me over for Sabbath meals and bike rides. They cared about me, drew me out, comforted me, counseled me, and at times rebuked me (which they could, of course, do because they had tremendous passport into my life — read Ken’s article to learn the three components of passport if you don’t already know them).

My entire life could have, and I might even say would have been very different were it not for Dr. Jensen. He was (and is) brilliant, gifted, and extremely credentialed (PhD, JD, multiple Master’s degrees). But what I remember most about his was his humility. In public, in private; around Christians, around non-Christians; discussing topics that I KNEW he felt passionately about ... he was unfailingly humble. Kind. He always stated the opposing view in the BEST possible light and he never resorted to logical fallacies/name-calling (which is the majority of what people call “debate” nowadays).

He lived out this paragraph from Ken’s article:

"See God’s people as he does. One of the most effective antidotes to personal or institutional attitudes that undermine approachability is to cultivate the habit of viewing the members of your church as God does: as people made “in the image of God” (Gen. 1:27), as “God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved,” (Col. 3:12), as “a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God” (1 Pet. 2:9), as people who have been “lavished with all wisdom and understanding” (Eph. 1:8 ), who are filled with the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19) and are “competent to instruct one another” and “to judge … the things of this life” (Rom. 15:14; 1 Cor. 6:3). When leaders remember that these types of descriptive phrases apply to all of the saints, not just to ordained leaders, they will be more inclined to humbly welcome questions, suggestions, and even correction from anyone in whom Jesus’ Spirit dwells.

Let me close with an example of how Dr. Jensen lived this out ...

The first time I ever saw him interact with people at a church picnic (in the fall of 1988 ), someone asked him what he did for a living. He replied, “I am a teacher.”

I remember thinking, “A teacher!? Come on! You are a PROFESSOR! You are DOCTOR Jensen! Why did you ”just" say you are a teacher?!" And later I asked him that exact question. He replied something to the effect of:

"Tara, people are fascinating. They have a lifetime of experience and wisdom to share and it is always a privilege to get to know them. But they won’t open up to you and share their lives with you if they feel like there is some sort of barrier between you and them (like education, wealth, position, whatever). Guard against ever making yourself look more important or influential than any other person. Don’t climb up on any pedestals! The ground really IS level for us all. And if you remember that, you are going to enjoy rich and deep relationships in life."

Thank God for men like Dr. Jensen!
And Ken Sande too—

I hope you click through and enjoy Ken’s article.

Blessings on your Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

I recently re-read my notes from Ed Welch’s (excellent!) article on “Boundaries” in the Spring 2004 Journal of Biblical Counseling and I thought you might enjoy them too. Here are just a few highlights:

- Overcommitted people are the lifeblood of the church. People who say, “Yes” to one request are usually asked to do five more things. Even “Christian” books will encourage you to “set a personal boundary” and “just say no.” But is that how we should think about such things? Is “setting a boundary” a biblical paradigm?

- Rather than the term “boundary,” think in terms of biblical priorities (prayer, opportunities to meditate on Scripture, work, service, relationships, and rest). Ask yourself, “Am I out of whack in any of these areas?” If so, seek counsel as to how you can live a more healthful and “balanced” life.

- Remember! Love does not always mean self-sacrifice. Love and wisdom can mean saying no to service opportunities.

- Guard against making the desire to NOT disappoint others into an idol. We all have the tendency to overestimate our own importance and underestimate God’s care for his people and his church (and the gifts that God has given to others).

- Instead of “boundaries,” think in terms of the knowledge of God revealed in Christ; repentance; faith expressing itself in love. Love and discernment are the constituent parts of wisdom.

- Instead of erecting “boundaries,” ask, “How should I wisely love this person? What is my calling? What are my priorities?”

- The challenge of love is that it is so multi-faceted. Love may entail taking a bullet for someone OR kicking them out of your house. Love may mean bearing their burden or encouraging them and helping them as they bear their own burden.

- What about unhealthy relationships / relationships where someone has a history of exhausting people? What else does the person do to push people away? Constant grumbling and complaining? Frequent discussions of their own problems but unwilling to heed advice? Demands for inordinate amount of time? Careful! You cannot raise these issues casually; you cannot help them apart from a relationship with the person. Unhealthy sometimes means inconvenient. True—only room for a limited number of close friends; offer of friendship doesn’t obligate us to reciprocate in the way a person might want. An inconvenient relationship is an opportunity for us to examine our own hearts and seek what God has for us to do. Unhealthy sometimes means relationships that induce us to sin.

- Abuse? If physical—boundary is appropriate (call police, provide safe place, initiate a protection from abuse order, do whatever is necessary to protect her). Why? Love. Love says no to evil. Goal is to bless enemies and lead them to repentance. Lev. 19:17. How to rebuke and who you might have present with you when you rebuke once again are decisions that require wisdom.

- Walk in wisdom. Don’t erect boundaries. Sometimes you answer a foolish person, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you cover an offense, sometimes you speak out. You begin with the fear of the Lord, learn from similar situations, get the counsel of others, keep checking your own heart and its motives, remember your limitations, rehearse the law of love, recognize that keeping everyone happy is impossible but there are ways you can speak that encourage conciliation, mutual understanding, and unity.

- What about biblical admonitions like, “Don’t cast pearls before swine” (Matt 7:6) and “Expel wicked man from among you” (1 Cor 5:13)? Be very careful! Not a dominant metaphor of Scripture; should seek counsel when considering it.

- Thinking in terms of “boundaries” can lead us to think more about self-protection than about love.

I usually try to minimize the conflict coaching I do via email because a) it’s usually not the best venue to discuss such important matters; and b) I simply don’t have the time.

But years ago, a friend wrote me this email and I did my best to encourage/help her in response. In praying through my “conciliation contact” subdirectory again this morning, I re-read her email and thought that if I edited it (to change the names and take out ALL identifying details), it might be even a small blessing/help to some of you.

So here you are ...

"Dear Tara,

Several years ago, at the request of our team leader, Thomas and I were involved in meeting with a couple who had decided that they would/could not comply with something the director (their supervisor) was asking them to do. The process was awkward, to say the least. But it was the best that could be done at the time.

After many months of talking and praying, Thomas and I finally conceded that change was not going to happen. This meant that the situation moved up to another level, and it eventually arrived at the “home office.” After studying the facts and talking to most of the people involved, the couple was ordered off of the field to go home for counseling. The couple agreed to do so, saying that counseling is always a good idea.

However, once they got home, they left their sending church, resigned from our missionary organization, raised support under a NEW organization, and returned to work in the same country.

Once they returned, I began getting her newsy notes again, as if nothing had happened. Over the past couple of years the wife has tried to re-establish the relationship she and I had before, but the husband seems to realize that this is not going to work.

I’ve tried to sort out how I feel about this couple, and if I’m in the “right place” along the forgiveness spectrum. I really think that I am. I don’t feel angry or betrayed anymore. I find myself praying (very occasionally, when they come to mind, since I don’t have them on my regular prayer list) that God would bless them. I don’t wish them evil. I almost never even think about them–BUT I will have a distinct possibility of running into them next month , and that’s why I’m even thinking about this issue now. A mutual friend, who also has had to work through her own relationship with the wife, has hinted to me that perhaps I should be doing more to restore my relationship with the wife.

And maybe that’s my question. What should my attitude be towards her? She’s not my co-worker anymore. They’ve not been willing to talk about what happened or the events surrounding their departure from our organization, so I don’t see that we have anything to talk about. In addition, every exchange with them as pretty much been, “They were 100% in the right, and anyone who disagreed with them was 100% in the wrong, and that was all there was to that,” that I don’t know how to begin to build back trust and put the relationship back together again.

Thanks for any help you can give."

And my response ...

"Dear Tawny,

So lovely to hear from you and see pictures of you and … [personal greetings] …

Re: your questions on your (very sad!) situation, I’m not sure I’m the best person to help you. Usually our church leaders and close friends/family have much greater wisdom to share with us. However, I do want you to know that I care, so here are just a few thoughts—please take them with a grain of salt and seek counsel on anything I share, OK?

To begin … I’m just so very, very sorry that this situation has occurred and has brought so much sadness to so many lives. Sin, unbelief, our humanness, fallenness, Satan, the world, the Old Man … life is just incredibly hard! And relationships (as I know you know) can be particularly hard that way.

So please know that I am sorry for your suffering and the suffering of everyone involved! I wish that I could help to comfort you all in that.

Regarding your specific questions on the situation (just brainstorming here):

1. It sounds like (from what you’ve described), this is a very common situation—in missionary agencies, churches, families, etc. Everyone wants to submit as long as they agree, but who wants to submit when they disagree? (I.e., does God REALLY work out His will through authority? Do our leaders REALLY have the right to be wrong?) ALSO … it is very, very common for someone (usually a woman) to have major relational problems for YEARS and have no one (absolutely no one) help her. It’s so sad!

Because I’d imagine that the woman you described has great gifts! But a history of conflict/broken relationships … well … hello pot, it’s me kettle. Of course I can relate and sympathize and I’m just so sorry for the entire situation. It seems to me that it really does take biblical, redemptive, accountable, ecclesiastical authority, redemptive church discipline, community to help us grow in grace. And most organizations / churches / families simply don’t operate this way—so how can we grow and actually DEAL with things?

2. What should your attitude be toward her? Same as toward every single person in your life, I would imagine: “Oh, look. A wretched, horrible sinner—just like me. Good thing God is such a gracious and forgiving God!! Now … how can I encourage HER to run to the Cross and remember the gospel and cling to CHRIST—just as I need desperate help to do the same?” Does that mean you just pick up the friendship where it ended before? Well, no, I can’t imagine that because it SEEMS (again—I’m only hearing one side of the story and I take everything anyone ever tells me with a huge grain of salt!) … that she needs rescue in a particular area (just as you do and I do—but maybe in other areas).

So what does redemptive relationship look like? Hmmmmmmmmm …. I don’t know for sure, but I could imagine that it might include, well: honesty (about what happened in the past and what is currently going on—if they truly are completely unwilling to even talk about it with you, that’s a huge red flag to me and I would be extremely cautious; that indicates a potential hard-heart and unteachable/proud spirit); truth (with charitable presumptions!); grace grace grace … and always wisdom from Heaven. (I.e., let’s say that this woman absolutely REFUSES to submit to ANY authority. Let’s say she is consistently destructive, a gossip, a slanderer … what is the most loving thing for this neighbor of yours? Who is authority over her who can help her? What is the most God-glorifying thing to do?)

3. I’m not sure how to respond to your “on the forgiveness spectrum” question—because I don’t really understand how/if she actually sinned against you. Did she offend you? Sin against you? Has she sought your forgiveness? How about you toward her? Why do you feel betrayed by her? Have you discussed this with her? You say she has broken trust and that hasn’t been restored—well, my friend, that doesn’t sound like there is “forgiveness” and “reconciliation” and “restoration of relationship.” And I know you know that YOU can’t make any of those things happen.

If she is unwilling to talk with you, get help, submit, seek counsel, repent, grow, confess, change … there is little you can do. And of course, it seems to me that there is no way for genuine friendship, trust, and restored relationship to happen. That doesn’t mean that you judge her, disdain her, think yourself more highly than her (NO WAY!) … but real relationship just doesn’t happen without conversation/humility/genuine care, etc.

4. I would encourage you to read How People Change (by Lane & Tripp) and pray specifically for wisdom as to how the Lord may or may not be calling you to minister the gospel in her life. I know you know this: but you are not the Holy Spirit. AND you are not the Church. AND you are not her husband or her ordained church leaders OR her organizational leaders either. So how much can / should you really even try to help her? How teachable is she? Is this a pearls before swine situation? Is she a fool who refuses to listen to any counsel? Or is there an opportunity here to serve and be involved? Difficult people change in COMMUNITY. It takes a Church to help those of us who are really messed up! (And I mean ME! ) One “friend” is not the answer. BUT … one friend might be an important piece. It really is a wisdom issue, dear, dear Tawny. And I don’t know the answer.

5. Lastly, and I think most importantly … setting aside all of the stuff about HER, I would encourage YOU to seek counsel, Tawny, from wise and loving friends/church leaders who love you enough to help you see the truth. Whatever this woman has done, is doing, and will do … I am absolutely 100% sure that YOU have much to learn about the Lord, yourself, your relationships, your heart, your areas of strength and weakness, your areas of faith and unbelief, hidden sins, wonderful delightful glorious beauty in you … and focusing on the LORD and YOUR HEART regarding this situation will only be toward your betterment and your greater conformity to Christ.

Honestly—there is so much room for growth in grace in YOU that has absolutely nothing to do with HER—that I encourage you to pray and focus on THAT. Oh, and you know what? As you glory in GOD and more accurately see your own heart? It is a sure bet that your heart will be more gracious and merciful to her—even if she never repents!—because you will be reveling in how much you deserve WRATH but how much God forgives YOU every single day.

OK—I totally have to run now. (Sophia and I have been on the road for two weeks helping family and I am just slammed.)

Sorry this is brief and quick and unedited … I should’ve re-read it and fixed its many errors. I do hope it is even a TINY bit edifying!!

Tawny, you are loved.
It’s going to be OK.

God is with you.
God is for His children!!

Hang in there—OK?
And get counsel from people with “boots on the ground” right there with you. Let them hold you and wipe your tears and counsel and comfort you!

Much, much love,
Tara B."

Preach it, Pastor Anyabwile!

Church Membership? YES!

Tim Challies recently posted a number of profound quotes on friendship:

Spiritual Friendship

If you don’t have time to read them all, consider just a few excerpts:

"There is a strange felicity, a wondrous enchantment, which comes from true intimacy of heart, and close communion of soul, and the result is more than mere fleeting joy. When it is shared in the deepest thoughts and highest aspirations, when it is built on a common faith, and lives by a common hope, it brings perfect peace."

“We cannot live a self-centered life, without feeling that we are missing the true glory of life ... The joy, which a true friendship gives, reveals the existence of the want of it, perhaps previously unfelt.”

“That anybody in the world should be got to love us, and to see in us not what colder eyes see, not even what we are but what we may be, should of itself make us humble and gentle in our criticism of others’ friendships. Our friends see the best in us, and by that very fact call forth the best from us.”

I received a little mini-wave of conciliation inquiries at the beginning of the summer—all having to do with Christians suffering in horribly miserable marriages.

It broke my heart to hear their stories. (I was even open to taking on one case for free in my nine-month-pregnant-state.) And I was reminded of other couples I have tried to serve over the years who still suffer greatly in their marriages, or who have turned their back on the Lord (and their families) and taken up lives with their lovers because they were “just so much more happier” away from their spouses, indulging in what feels good for them.

I am always particularly sad about the Christian couples who, in a sincere effort to “not sin,” remain married legally and never commit adultery ... but who absolutely, 100% live apart from their spouses. Maybe under the same roof. Maybe in a new home or city. They tell themselves:

"See! I’m doing the right thing. I’m not getting a divorce. God won’t mind that I never speak to my spouse or pray/honor/cherish him/her. We can’t bear to be in the same room with one another. Our marriage is dead, but there’s nothing I can do."

Oh oh oh! I just don’t know if I can express how much this pains me. Not only because I know a tiny sliver of suffering in marriage (and truly, I believe it is a taste of Hell on earth to be in a miserable Christian marriage); but also because I know that God raises dead marriages to life. He truly does. I’ve seen it.

Married 10, 20, 30+ years. Loving Jesus. Loving your kids. Serving your church.Hating one another. (Or going around that dark, dead corner into not even caring any more—the reach indicator of true hatred.)

Even in these tragic situations, there can be hope. But I truly believe that it takes the Church. For this is how I respond when (usually it’s the wife who contacts me), I am told, “I’ve done everything I can. HE refuses to get counseling. HE refuses to try. There’s nothing else I can do.”

Gently, carefully, I ask:

"Really? Have you? Have you gone to the ordained leadership of your local church?"

(Usually I’m interrupted ... “Oh sure. We’ve tried pastoral counseling. It doesn’t work. Nothing changes.”)

But then I continue ... “And have they not only counseled you and your husband. Have they loved you both enough to DISCIPLINE you?”

“Huh?”

I expect it. I’m not naive enough to think that most churches discipline their members. I know that most church leaders have no idea what their responsibilities are as overseers and shepherds; and even if they do and are sincere in their desire to lead and serve well, most have no training in HOW to (lovingly, humbly, gently, faithfully, WISELY) carry out both formative and judicial/punitive discipline.

But oh! How I wish they did.

Sin is insidious. Satan is real. The world is “no friend to grace.”

We are all tempted at times to great unbelief and great failures in doctrine and life. God protects us, grows us, and ministers His grace to us in many ways, including the loving accountability and discipline of the local church.

I could go on and on about this topic, but I need to move us into our day now. So let me instead post a link to the article that got me thinking about all of this:

Where Extraordinary Grace and Celestial Joy Meet

It is a remarkable testimony of a man who was excommunicated by his church, reaching out 14 years later and being restored.

(Thanks, Molly and Route 5:9 for the great post!)

Here is a snippet to tempt you to read the entire post:

"How many pastors minister long enough to every see an excommunicated member restored in the same tenure? Given that there are so few churches today that practice church discipline, how many fewer ever see the most extreme (and painful) measures come full circle in the restoration and reconciliation of an excommunicated church member? Why was it that the person Steve wanted help and trusted the most was the pastor who 14 years ago would not let his blatant sin go unaddressed?"

(Isn’t it because a true friend loves you enough to tell you the truth? Graciously. But faithfully?)

How many of us love enough to get involved in the messy, time-consuming broken relationships and dying marriages that fill our churches? (For it’s not enough for our ordained leadership to pray, love, counsel, rebuke, and comfort. We are ALL called to intervene. “When one part of the Body suffers, we all suffer ...”)

May God help us!
And by His grace, for His glory, may we be faithful to do the hard work too.

I’m off to make some breakfasts and pack some lunches now—

Sending you my love (and praying for these marriages and our churches too),
Tara B.

PS
Here’s my 30 second quick hit list of resources you may want to consider in order to better equip your church to really minister the gospel to their marriages in biblical and practical ways:

- The Peacemaking Pastor (by A. Poirier)

- How People Change (by Lane & Tripp)

- Mediating the Miserable Christian Marriage (Barthel & Barrie, free audio download)

Yesterday’s RZIM Slice of Infinity (the only email devotional I read Monday-Friday) was another stellar essay by Jill Carrattini:

There is Still Room

I encourage you to read the entire devotional (and sign up to receive it regularly too—I’ve never received ANY solicitations or SPAM from them. Ever. And the essays are usually very good).

But since I’m running out the door right now to take almost-final-SALE-orders to the post office, bring our poor little car to the shop (could this be the end of our Honda?), get Soph to swim lessons and Lilikoi to the vet (hooray for domestic-diva-Momma-days, eh?!), I only have time to leave you with this tiny snippet from the essay to tempt you to read on:

"We typically fill our parties with people similar to ourselves. We invite into our homes those we work with, play with, or otherwise have something in common with ...

The man in the parable of the great banquet is no different. The story is told in Luke chapter 14 of an affluent master of ceremonies who had invited a great number of people like himself to a meal. The list was likely distinguished ...but none would come.

Anthropologists characterize the culture of Jesus’s day as an “honor/shame” society, where one’s quality of life was directly affected by the amount of honor or shame socially attributed to him or her. The public eye was paramount; every interaction either furthered or diminished one’s standing, honor, and regard in the eyes of the world.

Thus, in this parable, the master of the banquet had just been deliberately and publicly shamed. He was pushed to the margins of society and treated with the force of contempt. Hearers of this parable would have been waiting with baited breath to hear how this man would attempt to reclaim his honor. But in fact, the master of the feast did not attempt to reverse his public shame. Altogether curiously, he embraced it ...

It is a staggering portrayal of a God who is shamed by the rejection of his people, and yet continues to respond with unfathomable grace and profound invitation into his presence ...

The longing to belong in the right circles is a desire that touches us all. Even so, one only has to watch a group of kids on playground to see how easily our desire to belong is corrupted by our need to exclude. The inner circle is not inner if there are no outsiders. Lines of honor and shame are futile if the majority is not on the wrong side. But God has broken these lines of demarcation ..."

I was reflecting yesterday about how we all, at times, peer in on certain relationships and wish we would easily “fit in.”

It could be a prayer group or a playdate; the “leaders” of your church or organization; a certain small group; or even just a set of friends who always seem to be sharing in inside laugh about some outing, adventure, or time just hanging out around the grill.

It feels so good to be wanted! To enfold into a group of people who say, “We like her! She’s great! We love to spend time together.”

This is a natural, human tendency. We were created to worship (God) and that means we were created for relationship. Our relationship with God overflows into our human relationships ("Love God and love neighbor ..."), so I don’t think there is anything wrong with this propensity.

It’s how we respond when we DON’T GET WHAT WE WANT that matters.

Are we bitter?

Do we pull back from the people who we perceive as “rejecting” us? (And maybe they ARE rejecting us. Do we reject them in response? Or do we serve, love, and pray for them? Do we enjoy whatever level of relationship we DO get to have with them without demanding MORE MORE MORE?)

Rather than rejoicing in the relationships and friendships we DO have, are we malcontent? Jealous? ENVIOUS?

(Remember Plantinga’s chapter on Envy from "Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin"? My quick paraphrase: Envy is when jealousy turns that ugly corner from just wanting what the other person has to wanting THEM to NOT HAVE IT (wanting bad things for them) AND wanting what they have. Yeep!)

If our response is anything other than running to Christ and finding ourselves fully in Him; sure, being honest about our feelings and even grieving when we are legitimately lonely; but then responding with gracious, selfless, forbearing kindness and love ... then we need to get help because we are caught in sin.

And just like any other sin, if we give our love, time, emotions, attention, energy—WORSHIP—over to this desire for people to like us and include us, it will be our destruction. Because people will never love and accept us “enough.” Friends will never be “good enough” friends. They won’t always “get us.” We won’t always be “included.”

If we are looking to PEOPLE for our security and happiness, we are going to end up insecure and miserable.

(Plus, being so over-focused on the acceptance of PEOPLE is a clear sign of our immaturity as Believers. I was trying to illustrate that last point for you this morning with a great CS Lewis essay about men who are always trying to “get a seat at the cool kids' table”. (Again, my paraphrase of course. Man! I am so not representing these great theologians very well, am I?) But having spent a few hours this morning going through a number of his books and essays while I waited for Fred and Soph to wake up, I still can’t find the essay. I’ll post it if I do ...)

The bottomline is that community is good. Friendship is good. Relationships are important. But they are not God. The gospel calls us to cultivate, delight in, and even work hard on our relationships—but NOT make an idolatrous demand out of them.

(BTW—as usual, I am so convicted even as I type these words because WOW! It just seems like I am surrounded these days by grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins who are all delighting in new babies and helping young families, etc. etc. And I have REALLY had to fight against allowing my feelings of isolation/aloneness to develop into jealousy and envy. I have SO MUCH to be grateful for! And yet, my heart is so prone to wander; so prone to selfishness and sick with self-love that even I who have been SO BLESSED would be tempted to complain. Oh, how grateful I am that God has mercy on me!)

Last point on this topic: It seems to me that some of us are particularly prone to a) struggle in relationships; and then b) struggle with feeling very, very lonely when we don’t have “plentiful” and “easy” relationships.

Maybe we have really poor social skills because we didn’t grow up around healthy, functioning people who modeled and taught us how to BE in relationships. We’re learning and maturing as adults, but we still function in the Pre-K level of how to be a good friend, work on a team, converse in a group setting ... love our neighbor.

Perhaps we’ve been tremendously hurt, betrayed, attacked, and abandoned by people we trusted; and even though God is growing us in grace and healing deep hurts, we still have a bit of a “guarded” nature. It’s hard for us to reach out. We try to love freely and openly, but we still have a little bit of self-protection deep down inside. (And since the majority of communication is non-verbal, even though we don’t WANT to communicate this about ourselves, WE DO. And it makes it hard for people to get to know us.)

Maybe we REALLY relate to my "Female Leaders with Powerful Personalities" teaching because we just have one of those driver, Type-A, “strong” personalities that can be, well, GREAT in a crisis, but a little hard to relax around / love / enjoy when you first get to know us. And yes, we are learning how to be more gentle and appropriate to various social situations, but still ... some people are just easier to get to know. The Freds and Samaras of the world are, well, really pleasant and fun to be around and some of us take a little more effort to love.

Whatever the case, whether our cup overflows with happy, healthy friendships; or if we are currently grieving in our loneliness ... God is with us. He has promised (covenanted) to be our God and we are the people of His pasture.

So what can Man do to us?
What grief are we called to bear in this life that is too great?

Jesus has overcome the world; He has deprived the world of its power to ULTIMATELY hurt us (John 16:33).
He cares about us. He saves us from our sin, from Hell, from ourselves.
He is our Savior, Brother, and He even calls us His friends.

That’s enough “fitting in” for me. I pray it is for you too.

Blessings on your Friday!

Yours,
Tara B.

A dear woman named Mara just posted a phenomenal praise report to a blog entry I wrote a few weeks ago (Tempted to be Bitter).

Isn’t this excerpt encouraging?

"Yet even after such conviction, I still held onto the notion of going to work the next day in a neutral, apathetic, passive frame of mind and not proactively forgiving anyone, esp the one who had hurt me so much. To the praise and Glory of God and His Holy Spirit continuing to work - and by remembering the Gospel of Jesus Christ and how much God has loved and forgave me, I found my heart strangely softened. Bizarrely, I wanted to love, forgive, and reconcile with the person who betrayed me as soon as spoke to me. It was the strangest thing ..."

I hope that you will read her entire note. (And thanks again, Mara, for taking the time to share such an edifying testimony of God’s grace at work in your heart.)

Blessings on your day!

Yours,
Tara B.

Tim Challies pointed us over to this list of Ten People a Pastor Should Fear and I particularly liked the one with the “Danger Will Robinson” comment.

Yeep!

(Take it all with a big grain of salt ...)

Do you remember the scene in Harper Lee’s book, To Kill a Mockingbird, when a mob of angry men suddenly turned into themselves (usually more sane and careful men) simply because a little girl (Scout Finch) began to call them by name?

I was young when I read the book (I should re-read it!), but I remember thinking how it was almost like they came to their senses and stopped being just an amorphous BLOB, simply by being reminded of their names—who they truly are. (And also, of course, by being called out by a little girl who knew them. They couldn’t hide in anonymous group rage in the eyes of someone who had grown up with them.)

Well ... on a much smaller level, I had a similar experience earlier this year when a friend began to talk about a certain group with a lot of hurt (and maybe even anger) in her voice. “THEY always do such-and-so ...” and “THEY never think about us and our needs ...” and “THEY only want to be in their little group because THEY don’t care about us ...”

I could tell that something was going on deep in her heart, so I was careful as I visited with her. But the bottomline is that over the course of her conversation, I helped her to actually see that “THEY” were really five people who she would readily acknowledge are ALL her friends. People who care about her; DO think about her; and really do make efforts to serve her family.

There are still some hurts to work through, of course, but what struck me most was that “Radley Porch Effect” of how it was impossible for her to see clearly (with wisdom and love) when people were lumped into an anonymous, amorphous, BLOB.

But her heart did turn around, even just a little, when we started talking about real people. By name. With accurate details about who they actually are and what they actually think and feel.

Oh that God will always help us to walk with wisdom and love—and NOT throw people away into “groups” and “causes” that keep us from loving God and loving neighbor.

Blessings on your Wednesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

DesiringGod Ministries posted an interesting interview with Paul Tripp this week and his response to this question, in particular, gave me pause:

What is the greatest hindrance to cultivating community in the American church?

"The first thing that comes to mind is frenetic western-culture busyness.

I read a book on stress a few years back, and the author made a side comment that I thought was so insightful. He said that the highest value of materialistic western culture is not possessing. It’s actually acquiring.

If you’re a go-getter you never stop. And so the guy who is lavishly successful doesn’t quit, because there are greater levels of success. “My house could be bigger, I could drive better cars, I could have more power, I could have more money.”

And so we’ve bought an unbiblical definition of the good life of success. Our kids have to be skilled at three sports and play four musical instruments, and our house has to be lavish by whatever standard. And all of that stuff is eating time, eating energy, eating money. And it doesn’t promote community.

I think often that even the programs of a local church are too sectored and too busy. As if we’re trying to program godliness. And so the family is actually never together because they’re all in demographic groupings. Where do we have time where we are pursuing relationships with one another, living with one another, praying with one another, talking with one another?

I’ve talked to a lot of families who literally think it’s a victory to have 3 or 4 meals all together with one another in a week, because they’re so busy. Well, if in that family unit they’re not experiencing community, there’s no hope of them experiencing it outside of that family unit.

We have families that will show up at our church on Sunday morning with the boys dressed in their little league outfits, and I know what’s going to happen. They’re going to leave the service early. Now what a value message to that little boy! Do I think little league is bad? I don’t think it’s bad at all. I think it’s great. But they’re telling him what’s important as they do that.

You can’t fit God’s dream (if I can use that language) for his church inside of the American dream and have it work. It’s a radically different lifestyle. It just won’t squeeze into the available spaces of the time and energy that’s left over.

And I’m as much seduced by that as anybody. We have sold our four-bedroom house because our kids are gone, and we’ve bought a loft in Chinatown, Philadelphia. And we’re amazed at how simple our life has become. We’re grieving over how we let our life get so complicated ..."

There are so many times when I still chuckle that we are living this relatively quiet life in (what feels to us) a relatively small town in MONTANA. How strange that God would bring us here and then KEEP us here! I’ve never lived anyplace EVER for this many years. I’ve never known my post office workers by name, my grocery store workers by name, my UPS driver and mailman by name. (And I MARVEL that my five year old does too.)

Plus, of course, I am so grateful to be in a church that places such a high value on community and long-term (lifetime!) relationships. I know so many people who have passed up more money / prestige / professional advancement because they chose to instead raise their families in a consistent, committed, covenantal community. They serve and are served–and I learn from them every single day.

But as someone who moved CONSTANTLY as a child (Illinois-Wisconsin-Michigan-Illinois-Ohio-New Hampshire-Colorado, etc.); who never EVER had a sense of place or even knew my address or telephone number because it changed constantly, I still find it odd. Good, but odd. A little LESS odd every year. And truly good–I’m not restless for a move. I’m just learning a new normal.

Maybe God will move us. As Christians we always want to hold everything lightly and be open to His guidance and call. But we tried HARD to move a few years ago and absolutely NO doors opened to us. Now, we keep our ears to the ground and are always open to a move—but until further notice, we are here. Gratefully here. In our quiet little life in Montana, learning and growing in community.

God is very gracious to us.

Hope you are sleeping (unlike me—at 2AM—again).

Yours gratefully,
Tara B.

My own hubby wrote a great post over at the Peacemaker Ministries blog that I encourage you to check out:

Leadership and Approachability

As a “recovering porcupine” (and I’m sure, sadly, still at times a difficult person), and as someone who instinctively wants to RUN away from fellow difficult people, I really appreciated this post from Becoming Janel:

Difficult Christians

(HT: Making Home)

John Piper recently posted a three-minute video in response to this question:

What Should I Do if My Wife Says She Doesn’t Love Me?

It’s worth watching–and not just for husbands and wives. We all struggle with not loving at times, don’t we? (Our parents, our children, our roommate. Our pastor, our sister, our fellow church member.)

Thank God for His merciful, helping grace!

Hope you enjoy the video–

Yours,
Tara B.

Look at what our brilliant and wonderful friend Joe Adams created for his (wonderful!) church, Southside Fellowship:



(So apparently it’s not just entire women’s Bible studies that he can create.)

Great job, Joe!
And great job, Southside, for continuing to promote the “unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Eph 4:3)!

Gratefully,
Tara B.

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday about Sophie’s little confession and our ensuing discussion was this exchange when she was still struggling and feeling bad:

"Sophia, your friend has forgiven you. So why you are continuing to feel so awful?"

“Well, Mom, I think it’s because I haven’t confessed to God yet.”

Ah. What a good idea.

(Kind of sounds like something that a person who goes around teaching The Seven A’s of Confession might have thought of, doesn’t it? Since, you know, it IS covered by the FIRST A – “Address Everyone Involved” means that we always start with GOD because any time we’ve sinned against a person, we have also sinned against God.)

Glad I have a five year old to help keep me on track.

Blessings on your days, friends!

With love,
Tara B.

Last night as she was playing in her schoolroom, Sophie began to be very troubled over something she had done to a friend’s worksheet during history class. Apparently, the girl had drawn a picture of Sophie and Sophie didn’t like it. So she CROSSED-OUT the girls' drawing without her permission to do so.

The girl was gracious in responding and basically just started erasing out the “X". But two days later, Sophie was still troubled by what she had done.

”What is the only way out of the this situation, Soph?", I asked her.

“I need to talk to her and confess.”

“Sounds about right, dear. Do you ned some help to call her?”

“I can do it.” Dial dial. Ring ring. And then Sophia made a lovely 5 A’s Apology to her friend ...

“Hello? Mary? It’s Sophie. I’m calling to apologize for scratching out the picture you made during history class. I should not have done that and I feel terrible about it. In the future, I won’t do that again. Will you please forgive me?”

“Yes, Sophie, I forgive you.”
“Thank you! I hope we can keep being friends.”
“Of course!”
“OK. See you at the play!”

(As an aside, our church is doing The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe this weekend as a free play for the community. So please come to Rocky Mountain Community Church at 7PM Friday or Saturday night and see Mr Tumnus and Lucy and Edmond and the White Witch. It should be great!)

Back to Soph’s story ... she was reconciled to her friend, but still feeling awful. Wanting to hide in her closet. Crying harshly. It was bad.

So we talked some more ...

About how SHE would be very quick to forgive her friend if SHE were on the receiving end of such a call. And once forgiveness had been granted, she wouldn’t want her friend to feel sad or burdened. But instead, she would want her friend to embrace the JOY and ASSURANCE that God fully forgives her AND Sophie fully forgives her too.

And then we always end these types of conversations with something along the lines of, “Mom? Do you remember what I did at history class...” And I say to her, “Sophie, I have chosen to not remember what you did. You are FORGIVEN. As far as the East is from the West, so far are your transgressions removed from you. It is finished. Covered. There is now therefore NO condemnation for those who are in Chirst Jesus. We are new creations! We get a fresh start.”

What good news! The BEST news.

May it comfort and encourage us when we are prone to wander and to sin —
God fully forgives His children.

G'nite (or good morning depending on your time zone) —

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
You can see a nice illustration of the Young Peacemaker 5 A’s of Confession in a brief video that I recorded at last year’s Peacemaker Clubs put on by the young people in our church:



And you can learn the "5A SONG" with this video:

I am reflecting further on the destructive power of our words as I (yet again) clean up my temporary blog list.

(I think I’ve mentioned before how I keep track of new blogs in a “temporary” folder so that I can occasionally read them and see if they are worth keeping around. It takes a really good blog to stay in my daily or weekly reading area.)

Anyway – I ended up deleting 2 or 3 blogs that I know a bunch of people like, but were just too snarky for me. This life is hard enough! And we are surrounded by negative words from so many sources–I just don’t have much tolerance for biting words from ostensibly Christian blogs.

Ditto for Christian political blogs. As I’m sure you know if you’ve read this blog for any length of time, I feel very strongly about my country and I do have strong convictions about various political, economical, and social issues. I read across the spectrum of worldviews, however, and the person who ALWAYS wins my respect is the person who is LOGICAL, fact-based, WINSOME and NOT prone to devolve into emotional rhetoric and dressed-up name-calling.

(I’ve had to delete more than a few Christian political blogs for these convictions over the years. And I “hide” people who have “friended” me on FB when their little updates/posts are similarly graceless/proud/attack-y.)

I’m still on the edge about ONE blog, however. I do like to read it and I learn something new on a fairly regular basis from the wisdom and experience of the authors. BUT. If they don’t agree with someone? If they don’t respect someone’s conclusions? OH MY STARS. Their “review” / criticism of something they don’t like is just about as HARSH and UNCHARITABLE as anything I have ever read. So I can never recommend them any more. And I wonder if the good is good enough to overcome the occasional bad.

(They’re staying in my “temporary” blog file for a little while yet. I guess we’ll see where the future leads ...)

Oh, and if you’re curious as to WHY I might be so sensitive to this topic? It’s because THE MOST harsh, graceless, condemning, critical, proud, judgmental, uncharitable person has NOTHING on how I was for the first MANY years of my Christian walk. I was absolutely the biggest jerk of a Christian you have EVER seen. And if there is even the TINIEST bit of growth in me, it is ONLY God’s grace in me. 100%. Guaranteed.

OK. Must run to get the pack through breakfast, make lunches, and head off to co-op. I think I’m teaching PHONICS today (subbing) and we’re in week two of our orchestra study. Fred’s coming to play trumpet for us! Should be fun ...

Blessings and SWEET WORDS on your day–

Your friend,
Tara B.

Pastor (and cartoonist!) Joe McKeever recently had an interesting post about church conflict and pastors with an ending that is definitely worth your time.

Let me give you a just a portion of the entire post and you can click on through to the entire post if you are interested. (Be forewarned, however, that the first story is a little long and a little bit hard to read in parts.)

(At the end of the first story ...)

"My quick assessment, based solely on my friend’s account, is that such an immature wife-dominated pastor has no business leading a congregation. He is not a shepherd who cares for his flock. He is cowardly (he refused to talk to the woman whom he accuses of wrong before hearing her, then turns around and wrongs her!), yet he compares himself to God (calling the husband to account for the sin of his wife!). Furthermore, he forbids the church staff from having anything further to do with my friend and her husband. I’d like to know where he finds that in the Bible!

What I wish is that my friend and her husband had not suffered in silence on this, but had called in two or three church leaders, assuming the congregation had some mature enough to see the situation and courageous enough to stand up to the preacher. Every pastor has a few individuals in his church whose opinions and judgments he values. Failing that, he has one or more whom he fears because he knows they hold the keys to his continued employment.

Pastors who wrong their members need to be held accountable, if for no other reason than that they might face their misdeeds, repent and be forgiven. In the process, they will grow, and eventually might even become true shepherds of the Lord’s people.

Whether the wrong originates in the pulpit or the pew, once it threatens the well-being of a child of God and the health and fellowship of a church, it should be dealt with promptly.

I heard this week an illustration of how miscommunication and misunderstanding can quickly jeopardize the fellowship of a church and the work of a minister.

The incoming pastor had last served with our SBC North American Mission Board (referred to colloquially as NAMB), headquartered in Alpharetta, Georgia. On his very first Sunday in the new church, the pastor said something to the effect that “I want to thank my NAMB friends for their encouragement….” Well sir, some lady sitting toward the back of the church who clearly does not hear well, did not know the word “NAMB” and thought he said “damn.” Really, she was totally convinced that was what she had heard. Hard to believe.

The biddy was irate and could not wait to get with her friends and start a gossip-campaign in the congregation. All week long the matter spread throughout the community. “What kind of pastor do we have!!” "I was shocked!" “Have you heard what the new preacher at the First Baptist Church said Sunday?” "If he would use such language from the pulpit, what else might he do!"

Toward the end of the week, the tale finally reached the pastor’s office. When he heard it, to his credit, he bellowed with laughter.

The next Sunday, he used the powerpoint to spell out NORTH AMERICAN MISSION BOARD (NAMB) in huge letters on the giant screen and to explain what it meant. The friend who told me that story said the congregation roared with laughter.

To this date, she said, no one knows who started the campaign.

I do. It originated in Hell."

I have to admit that I agree with Pastor McKeever that such a destructive campaign has its roots in Hell.

Initially, I was going to try to end this post by drawing his conclusion back to our THREE enemies (the world, the Old Man, and Satan) ... but upon reflection, I am completely comfortable with saying that the ongoing attacks against the Church absolutely have spiritual forces at play.

Yes, of course, this woman’s “areas in need of sanctification” were also showing. (As were the areas of immaturity in every other person who permitted her to spread such slanderous gossip without stopping her, helping her, and protecting the pastor/church.)

But Satan hates the Church. So I agree with Pastor McKeever that Hell had something to do with the destruction brought about by such a “restless fire full of deadly poison”.

What a chilling to reminder to ME to guard my speech!! And to make charitable presumptions (presuming the BEST until I have FACTS that prove otherwise.) And gently going to speak TO THE PERSON who has offended me / or with whom I have a concern (not going around speaking ABOUT them to others).

“May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in Your sight this day, O Lord.”

Amen & Amen

(And Happy Tuesday to you all!)

Yours,
Tara B.

Pastor Anyabwile linked to a great article by John Piper that I encourage you to read:

Unity Amid Differences

A THREE-PRONGED RESPONSE TO ATTACKS
by Ajith Fernando

How should Christians who are a minority in their land respond when fellow Christians and churches are attacked? I have thought about it a lot because churches are often attacked in Sri Lanka too. One thing is certain—never should our motivation be one of tit-for-tat or revenge. I want to suggest a three-pronged response.

LOVING OUR ENEMIES

We live in a region where the understanding of the concept of honour requires that if someone hits us we must ht back. In some countries the so called “honour killings” are even sometimes ignored by the authorities. This is totally different to the Christian understanding of honour. Paul said: “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honourable in the sight of all” (Rom. 12:17). In Christianity the honourable thing is not to hit back.

Then there is the fact that Christ has asked us to turn the other cheek (Matt. 5:39). So the general response when we are hurt is to love our enemies. This is a teaching that is repeated over and over again in the Bible (Matt. 5:43, 44; Luke 6:27, 35). We are told, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:28 ). Referring specially to persecution, Paul says, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them” (Rom. 12:14). Paul says of himself, “When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure” (2 Cor. 4:12b). Peter writing to a church suffering persecution said, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9). Note that in this last verse a blessing is promised if we bless our persecutors.

This is a pretty strong case for loving and blessing those who persecute us. I believe the witness of history is that the reaction of Christians to persecution left a strong impression on the persecutors. After painful initial suffering, they left such a powerful impression upon their persecutors so that large numbers of people ended up coming to Christ. This is our dream for our nations. We want large numbers of people to come to Christ. It may seem impossible now, but that is how the conversion of the Roman Empire looked to the small persecuted band of Christians in the first century to whom the passages I quoted above were first written.

When people in our nations get tired of the endless cycle of violence coming from revenge, may they be challenged by seeing Christians refusing to take revenge and loving their enemies. When they get tired of the corruption that is ruining our chances of progress, may they be challenged by seeing Christians willing to suffer loss and taking on poverty because they refuse to break their principles. When people realise that all their wealth has not given them satisfaction may they be challenged by seeing Christians truly happy and contented by living godly lives and realise that the life we have in Christ is the greatest gain (1 Tim. 6:6). Jesus said, “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:16). That is our ambition for the church.

Actually the persecuted Christians in the New Testament era looked forward to nothing short of world conquest by Christ. They saw their sufferings as temporary means towards achieving that end. That is how we see our sufferings too. So knowing that Christ is the truth, yearning for our nations to bow their knees to Christ and believing that Christ will conquer the world in the end influences our attitude to persecution.

Of course only a pure church where people truly love God can react this way. The churches in South Asia are anything but pure. This is a much more serious problem than the persecution we are going through. We must pray that God will use this persecution to make our people truly holy which is the biggest need in the church today—a much bigger need that the need to avoid suffering.

SEEKING LEGAL RIGHTS FOR CHRISTIANS

Now that is one side of the coin. The other side is that the Bible shows that the early Christians did all they could to win legitimacy for Christians. In Philippi, when Paul and Silas were released after being unlawfully beaten, they did not meekly leave the prison. They protested that they had been treated like that even though they were Roman citizens (Acts 16:35-39). They wanted it recorded that Christians had been treated in an illegal way. Luke is careful to record that the proconsul in Corinth Gallio who was from a famous family and was a well-known figure in the Roman empire gave a verdict very favourable to the Christians (Acts 18:12-17). The early Christians did all they could to achieve a legitimate legal standing for Christianity and for evangelistic activity.

In the same way today Christians need to use the court system to appeal for our right to practice Christianity. When something illegal is done against Christians we may need to go to the courts to agitate for our rights or against the actions that have harmed Christians. This is so that people are warned against the repercussions of doing it and will think twice before trying it again. In this way we help the whole church, not just ourselves.

If Christians are being denied a basic human right like access to the village burial place, it may be necessary for Christians not to give in when they are stopped from using the cemetery. They may need to grapple with the authorities until permission is granted. This has happened a few times in Sri Lanka.

Sometimes it may be necessary to apply pressure on the authorities by using the pressure of foreign interest groups and governments. It may be necessary to highlight in the press nationally and internationally the injustices meted out to Christians.

Like the great thinkers in the first few centuries (whom we know as apologists), we must produce great thinkers who will devote their energies to producing material in defence of Christian belief and practice. This is a long-term strategy. We need Christian people who will grow in stature to become respected lawyers, politicians, journalists and economists. They can represent Christ to the nation better than we preachers can. This is a long term strategy, but we must be thinking about this and urging people in this direction.

MINISTERING TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN ATTACKED

There is a third thing that needs to be done at this time: those affected by the attacks need to be comforted. Physical attacks are very hard to endure. They humiliate the person; they produce fear of another attack; and they can produce severe anger over the way the person’s body or property was violated.

Indeed we have seen people like Stephen who have reacted with wonderful faith when attacked. But my experience has been that some time after the attack people go through all sorts of difficult feelings. They become vulnerable to Satan’s attacks at this time. They could get over-discouraged and lose heart. They could become angry and develop vengeful feelings.

Another need for outside help from Christians is that in times of persecution Christians could act rashly and in an unwise way. Sometimes persecution is triggered by unwise behaviour of Christians when they antagonise others by things that were not necessary to do. An example is having loud worship which disturbs neighbours. Another is unwise ways of distributing material aid to the poor and needy which gives opponents the impression that we are using unethical lures to coerce people into becoming Christians.

This, then, is a time when those who have been attacked need the support of the body of Christ. We need to be close to them and help them regain some balance as they go through different emotional moods. When Peter and John were told for the first time that they must not speak in the name of Christ again, the first thing they did was to go “to their own people” (literal translation) or “to their friends” (ESV; Acts 4:23). If they cannot come to us we must go to them. Leaders must ensure that those who have been attacked are personally ministered to.

So my answer is a three pronged one. Firstly we are committed to radical personal non-retaliation. We will not resort to violence to achieve our ends. Instead we will demonstrate the power of the gospel by exemplary lives. Secondly, we are committed to using the existing structures to present a case for the legitimacy of Christianity. Towards this end we develop strategies that will be effective and leaders who will be qualified in presenting the case for Christianity. Thirdly, we care for those who have been attacked.

May we be faithful at this time.

(Just received this announcement and asked for permission to post it for you all. How great it would be if one of you moved to beautiful Montana! )

———-

Director of Training Position Available

Peacemaker Ministries (PM) is an international ministry based in Billings, Montana that exists to assist and equip Christians and their churches to respond to conflict biblically. We are a team of thirty staff with a network of 150 Certified Christian Conciliators working together to encourage a culture of peace in churches around the world.

We are currently seeking an individual to join the Peacemaker Team as our Director of Training. This individual will provide direction and oversight for Peacemaker Ministries’ comprehensive training program and advance PM’s professional training curriculum from Conflict Coaching training through the Certification Program. In addition, the Director of Training will provide oversight for the scheduling of training events, as well as develop new methods and opportunities for the delivery of Peacemaker Ministries’ training of conciliators. The Director of Training will also collaborate with other staff members to promote and further the training of Peacemaking Teams and Networks, and work with our International Division to further our training in international settings.

The ideal candidate must demonstrate strong communication, curriculum development, management, and administrative skills. Applicants must be able to work in concert with others to achieve common goals. The ideal candidate will have successfully completed Peacemaker Ministries’ Certification Program, although candidates who have not completed the program but are willing to do so within 12 months of hire will be considered. A BA or BS degree is required for this position and applicants must be willing to reside in Billings, Montana. Education or experience in teaching in cross-cultural settings and a thorough understanding of adult education models and methodology, including distance learning, is preferred.

The Director of Training must have a broad understanding of biblical themes and biblical systematic theology as well as in-depth knowledge and experience in the application of biblical peacemaking principles to life experiences and their relationship with secular worldviews. Applicants must be able to endorse biblical peacemaking by affirming the Peacemaker Pledge and Peacemaker Ministries’ Statement of Faith, and be a member in good standing of a Christian church.

This is a full-time position with a generous benefits package, including:

- Starting salary of $48-52K per year, depending on experience
- 100% of health insurance premiums paid for employee and dependants
- Flexible Spending Account program
- Paid vacation and sick leave

For more information about this position, or to request an application for employment, visit the employment section on our website at www.Peacemaker.net or contact Jonathan Boll at jboll@Peacemaker.net or by phone at 406-256-1583 ext. 114. Applications for this position must be received by April 20, 2009.

Lydia Browback posted recently on women who are “EGR” – Extra Grace Required:

"One category of “widows and orphans” that’s easy to overlook is the socially poor. In one of my former circles, we referred to them as EGRs—extra grace required.

I look back on that now and cringe. What made us think that we weren’t EGRs ourselves? The very fact of the cross proves that we are. But what we had in mind when we used the term are those who make others uncomfortable by their lack of the social niceties–those who can’t talk about anything other than themselves, those who complain constantly about their problems but refuse to take the advice they so often ask for, and those who make a mess of their lives but blame it all on someone else.

We all know such people (maybe you and I are among them), and they are among those whom God calls needy. They are typically very lonely people because sooner or later they alienate everyone around them."

I added the emphasis in the last line because MAN! She nailed me on that one–I’ve been thinking a lot this week about women who do exactly that–alienate everyone around them–and who are, in fact, very lonely.

I encourage you to check it out.

A friend of mine (and a wonderful Christian conciliator and professional counselor), Dr. Andrew Selle once shared with me a few brief thoughts on friendship.

He actually had another page of material on the topic that he gave me, but for now I will share just a few lines with you with the hope that we all might be thinking about how we can grow even more God-honoring, gospel-proclaiming, REAL friendships today:

What is a friend like?

- CONSISTENT: You are there for your friend. Consistency which is borne out of commitment.

- HONEST: You are honest with your friend for friend’s own good. A friend can give constructive criticism, and is also willing to take it.

- VULNERABLE: You are able and willing to risk losing the good feeling of being “liked” in order to truly love your friend. In marriage, friendship means being “naked and not ashamed”– i.e. willing to be transparent with one another, even though it feels risky.

- BRINGS BLESSING: Friends bring deep affirmation. “I see and rejoice in what God is doing in you. And I also see the sins, but I love you in spite of them.”

A good start when thinking about friendship, don’t you agree?

I’m off to my 22 week prenatal appointment now ... here’s hoping for a nice strong heartbeat!

Happy Wednesday–

Yours,
Tara B.

David Powlison had a great quote over at the Sovereign Grace Blog:

“Those who lack friends to open themselves unto are cannibals of their own hearts….This communicating of a man’s self to his friends works two contrary effects; for it redoubles joys and cuts griefs in half.” (Francis Bacon, “Of Friendship,” 1625)

My pastor, Alfred Poirier, often reminds us of these truths and calls us to genuine, authentic friendship (the “one anothering” of Scripture).

I am praying that even today I will BE a friend and GROW even just one or two friendships a little more in grace and intimacy. For it really is not good to be alone.

Blessings on your Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

We just finished our afternoon peacemaking training and we’re about to start the marriage retreat.

What a JOY it was to spend time with the leadership of this church! What an honor. Their love for God and the Church–and their interest in biblical peacemaking reminded me of this article by Ajith Fernando.

Hope you enjoy!

Yours,
Tara B.

———-

LEADERS AS IN-HOUSE PEACEMAKERS
by Ajith Fernando

I have found that one of the most important roles of leaders is to be “in-house peacemakers,” that is, to lead in solving unity problems within the group they lead. This priority is seen in the high priestly prayer of Jesus when he prayed asking that his disciples be one so that the world may believe (John 17:11, 22). Paul also expressed this priority when he said, “complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (Philip. 2:2). Something of his joy was gone when believers did not dwell in unity. So he urges them to become one again. Later, using emphatic language this time, he says, "I entreat Euodia
and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord" (Philip. 4.2)

WHY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT FOR LEADERS
I can say that in my over twenty-six at my job, maintaining unity among the YFC leaders has been the most demanding challenge I have had. A dear friend of mine, who is both the CEO of a bank and an Assembly of God pastor, once told me, “The most important task of a leader is to keep the team united.”

Leaders are essentially enablers: they enable others to do the work that takes their group/church forward. Few things hinder the forward march of a group as much as disunity within the group. It causes emotional and spiritual exhaustion. Despite its great cost Christian ministry is a gloriously exciting work that thrills the heart of the minister. What more exciting thing could one do than to be carried along by the fresh wind of the Spirit. But disunity grieves and quenches the Spirit. Rather than being joyously carried along by God’s Spirit, we have to grind out our work through sheer human effort. That is exhausting. And, working without joy, we become irritable and lash out at people, especially those who we think are not working as hard as we are. Through that we lose our spiritual credibility and also struggle with the guilt that accompanies these outbursts. Toil, guilt and anger with colleagues are a sure formula for burn-out.

So disunity must be confronted the moment it emerges and dealt with as a matter of urgency. I think this is one reason why we leaders end up so tired (smile)! Disunity has a nasty way of surfacing when we are most busy! We could lay aside the peacemaking role by saying that we are too busy and tired. That is what many of us do, but the consequences of this neglect are terrible. Like Jesus and Paul, leaders must take the first steps in initiating a discussion when even a hint of disunity is sensed. We may end up tired, but the unity that results gives us the freedom of the Spirit. I would any day take on tiredness in exchange for this loss of the freedom of the Spirit. When we are free, we are joyful, and joy is perhaps the most wonderful treasure one can have on earth. “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!” (Psalm 133:1).

Of course, we must try and catch up on the rest we lost as a result of the peacemaking effort (This is what I will try to do in a few minutes!). When we neglect rest we break a law of God and therefore that neglect should be classed as a sin.

Doing my part to foster unity in YFC is an area in which I have failed often. And most often the reason for my failure has been that I have not considered a problem that surfaced as urgent when it really was urgent. The reason for my neglect is that when I find out about the problem I think, “That is a minor matter,” and because I am very busy and terribly absent minded, it just slips out of my mind. A few days (and sometimes weeks) later I find that the hurt person is still hurt over the problem and is now also hurt with me because I have not done anything about it even though I knew about it. If something we consider a minor matter causes a member to be hurt, and thus jeopardises the unity of the group, that issue immediately becomes a major matter. After so many years of ministry I still keep making this error regularly. In fact, that is what prompted me to write this article! (By reading this you have become privy to a confession!!).

WHEN MEMBERS LEAVE US
Let me also say that I think one of the hardest times in the life of a leader is when a member of our group leaves unhappily. Actually it is one of the hardest times for the whole group-the potential for the rest of the team to become demotivated and discouraged and discouraged at such a time is immense. We may think that this person is totally wrong in his or her attitude. But we are leaders, and that means that when these angry people came to work for us we took on the responsibility of shepherding them-of looking after them. The fact that they are now mad at us does not take away our shepherding responsibility. In fact, it shows that this project of
looking after this particular member has seen some failure.

We must do all we can to salvage the situation. And one of the things we can do is to ensure that the one leaving us is on the path to healing from the pain resulting from involvement with us. One key to healing is telling us what they feel. They had spent their years and their energy working with us, and now it is very hard for them to leave unhappily. They should be given the opportunity of telling the full story of why they are leaving. If we have strong personalities we could overwhelm the sharing persons by responding to their accusations so strongly that they are at a loss for words. We can avoid an embarrassing and humiliating situation that way, but we don’t help to heal this person’s wounds. We have acted selfishly.

The commercial world has recently discovered the value of the “exit interview.” It is a pity that the church has not caught on to that yet. If they have not had an opportunity to unburden themselves by telling us what is on their mind, those things will remain as a festering wound that could cause severe bitterness and severe spiritual and ministerial crippling.

They will go to their next group with unhealed wounds which will erupt when touched. Often the result is that very soon they leave their new group too. They become “evangelical grasshoppers”-and what a common phenomenon that is today!

I can tell you that these exit interviews can be devastating to the leader. Perhaps you have tried hard to be fair, but this person views you as having acted very unfairly. But if it helps in the recovery of the angry member, then it is our duty to take on the devastation in love. After all, that person’s vulnerability and uncertainty, as he or she goes in search of a new group, is often more serious than our pain. Besides, does not the good shepherd lay down his life for the sheep (John 10:11)? Dying-experiencing pain, inconvenience, tiredness on behalf of those we lead-is one of the primary callings of Christian ministry.

THEOLOGY-DRIVEN PEACEMAKING
Through these many years I have had numerous conflict situations both in family life and in the ministry. During those times there have been three important theological principles that have given me hope and encouraged me to persevere, even when the going has been really tough. It is our theology that gives us the courage to do the tough things that the biblical lifestyle demands of us, even though emotionally we may not be inclined towards doing them.

This is a key point, because our so-called post-modern generation has been described “as an instinctually stimulated generation where people prefer to feel than to think” (Laurence Wood). Now this feature of society may influence our evangelistic styles, but our lifestyle and decision-making must always be theologically (that is, biblically) driven. Some are saying today that this “Biblicism” is simply a part of the evangelical heritage from the so-called modern era and that it can therefore be modified. We cannot do that because this is the way of life that God’s Word prescribes for us (2 Tim. 3:16-17). So this is an area where we Evangelicals must be counter-cultural. Not to be Bible driven in our decision-making is to be syncretistic.

It looks like I have got caught up in a digression, but it is an intentional one. I believe the reason why the Evangelical church today is lazy about striving for peace (Eph. 4:3) is that she is not skilled in the art of having the Bible overcome natural fleshly inclinations such as the inclination is to avoid the unpleasantness of confronting disunity.

Here then are the three theological principles.

1. What unites us as members of the body of Christ is much, much more powerful and influential in determining our actions than what divides us. Ephesians 4:4-6 says that what unites us is the motivation to being eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit (4:3). This theological motivation causes us to approach the problem with confidence even though the conflict may be huge.

2. Because God is sovereign over the affairs of this world, however serious the problem, he is able to turn it to good if we let him. So we work with believing that good will come out of this if we are obedient. Because unity is the will of God, it should come into our reckoning when we think of the goodness that will come out of the conflict.

3. However deep the hurt, we know that God’s love is greater than that pain and than the unkindness that caused it. This gives us the courage to forgive those who have hurt us and to strive for reconciliation rather than to strive to win the immediate battle. We can win the battle to retrieve our wounded ego and lose the war for kingdom principles. True success is measured not from temporary triumphs in individual battles but from the triumph of the agenda of the kingdom. It is sobering to note that this agenda encompasses every member of the body of Christ, even the one who is now our enemy.

Are you a leader? Then devote yourself to in-house peacemaking. Be “eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephes. 4:3).

Strong language again from Paul! This is urgent business in the Pauline understanding of ministry.

Ajith Fernando
Youth for Christ, Sri Lanka

Ergh!

A silly, unimportant situation at church yesterday TOTALLY flashed me back to junior high school and MAN! I did not expect to feel this way ...

All that happened was that one of Sophie’s little friends had a birthday and, apparently, invited over a couple of girls for cake, balloons, etc. etc.

OF COURSE the rational, mature, intelligent SMIDGEN of me said, “No big deal. You can’t invite every friend over for every celebration. Eek! I just wish I had remembered to send HER a birthday card.”

But then there was this tiny little, immature, bound by the Fear of Man, JUNIOR HIGH GIRL part of me that said, “What?! She had a birthday party and didn’t invite Sophie?! I bet it’s all because of ME–that I’m such a wacko. Oh poor Sophie! Linked to crazy ol' Momma Tara for life. Poor poor child. I’m sure I’ve just RUINED HER LIFE. If only I were a better mother ...”

Aren’t we a tragically flawed, oft' messed-up lot–we human beings still stuck here in this battle with the Old Man?

It’s just crazy the way our emotions can take us down a rabbit trail that leads to unbelief, selfishness, pride, and a complete lack of love for God and neighbor. (I’m sure that my three hours of sleep and pregnancy hormones didn’t help the situation–but still. No excuse. Just repentance.)

I actually chatted with Sophie about the whole situation as we cuddled in bed today. I reminded her that we probably wouldn’t be able to have a birthday party for her this year (because of finances), but that we might be able to do something special with one or two of her friends. Then I asked her how her OTHER friends might feel–having to be left out from the celebration.

“Probably a little sad,” Sophie said. “But I bet they’d understand.”

Yup. I bet they would.

(And hopefully their mothers won’t have any flashbacks to the big hair and neon colors of junior high in the 80’s. )

Heading to bed now–

Hope your day was a blessed one!

Yours,
Tara B.

Well ... I tried my best to present a new teaching this afternoon in a sensitive, biblically-faithful, honest, gospel-focused way:

Persevering with Grace When our Leaders Let Us Down: As wonderful as headship is (and it is wonderful!), our leaders are not perfect. No matter how hard they try, their leadership of us will always be flawed. They may misunderstand us, take offense at something we do or say, or simply not like our personality. In their fallenness and sin, they may actually wrong us intentionally. Often, they hurt us most deeply by their neglect—they fail to give us the proactive attention and care we long for. So how do we respond? And how do we lead other women who are hurt by our leaders? This seminar will explore some practical ways that the gospel enables us to persevere with grace when our leaders let us down.

I have to tell you ... I was shaking in my Keds as we got started.

What a hard topic to try to tackle! What suffering was represented by the women in that room! (Either their own suffering or the suffering of women they know, serve, and love.)

The pain in the room was palpable. But so was the grace.

We talked very honestly about the extraordinarily painful suffering that women often face as a result of conflicts with their leaders–and yet time after time, these dear women were affirming the goodness and sovereignty of God, how merciful He is to them and how they are called to give that same mercy to others (even to leaders who hurt them so terrifically).

I was SO honored to be with these women! And we just barely scratched the surface of this topic.

- How it is always a shock when we’re hurt by a Christian—all the more so when it’s someone in authority over us (who is supposed to protect us and not wound us).

- That we are not responsible for the things done TO us, but we ARE responsible for our response. (Because whatever this leader has done, it is only the occasion, NOT the cause of our response.)

- Sometimes we make idols out of even good things—like being treated well by our leaders. And we sin when we don’t get what we want! An act of punishment, a demand for vengeance, or lasting bitterness always reveals the presence of an idol.

- I encouraged them all to read Nancy Leigh DeMoss’s latest book, “Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom” because it is a profound book on bitterness and forgiveness.

- Our leaders are in progress too. The doctrines of justification (2 Cor. 5:21, once and for all, already perfect) and sanctification (Phil. 2:13 & 1:6, Rom. 8:29, an ongoing process until we reach Heaven, growing in perfection) apply to leaders too.

- Most of the time, we will be called to suffer well and persevere in these difficult and painful relationships. But sometimes, we will need to move out from under corrupt and unrepentant authority.

- When helping people in this painful situation, there is often a tendency to point a finger at the person in the weaker position rather than sin and/or immaturity of the leader. But it is not enough to only confront the weaker partner, we also need to confront the leader.

There was a lot more to the teaching, of course. But I need to sign off now–so I’ll share the two quotes that ended the workshop.

The first was from Ligon Duncan and Susan Hunt’s wonderful book, “Women’s Ministry in the Local Church”:

"If our ultimate motivation for service to God is simply because we love people, we will never be able to sustain the call to service that God has given to us because the very people we are called to serve will break our hearts. It is only the grace of Christ that enables us to persevere."

And I gave the final word to D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones:

“I say to the glory of God and in utter humility that whenever I see myself before God and realize even something of what my blessed Lord has done for me, I am ready to forgive anybody anything.”

Amen!

And thanks, dear women at this conference. I appreciated your patience as I fumbled a bit walking through a new teaching AND your deep love for God, His Word, and His Bride.

Signing off now and hoping to get some sleep–

(Baby started kicking last night around 3AM! It was SO STRANGE–wonderful, but strange. I guess since it’s been over five years since I felt that feeling, I just wasn’t ready for it. But wow! What a good thing to be woken up by.)

Sending you my love,
Tara B.

TakeYourVitaminZ linked over to an interesting article by Craig Groeschel entitled, “How to Be Sure Your Small Group Ministry will Fail”.

I cringed and laughed and resolved to talk about them with Fred as we continue to (strive to) lead our small group well. Consider just a few:

Make sure the senior pastor isn’t in a group. If small groups aren’t modeled by the pastor, they won’t have much of a chance for success.

Make sure the senior pastor doesn’t talk about small groups. If small groups don’t ever find their way into a sermon, it will help reduce the likelihood of success.

Make sure small groups are not staffed or resourced properly. To guarantee your groups fail, don’t staff them, buy them curriculum, announce them, or get your best volunteers involved.

Make sure small group leaders aren’t trained. When you do get some small group leaders, don’t train them. Let them figure it out on their own.

Make sure the church doesn’t address childcare needs. Pretend like all small groups don’t have any child care needs. Don’t open the church one or two nights a week to provide child care. Don’t pay for childcare like I’ve heard North Point does. Ignore childcare needs completely.

Make sure the church doesn’t have a small group vision or philosophy. Let people do whatever they want without any direction or oversight.

Make sure not to require staff members to be involved. If your staff (or key leaders) isn’t in groups, that will help keep others from being in groups.

Make sure you never make small groups a membership or partnership requirement. Be a low-expectation church. While you’re at it, don’t ask people to serve, pray, witness, or give sacrificially either.

Even in the long dark and cold hours of insomnia, I can think of many blessings. Two of which are the sweetness of my Golden Retriever who never lets me head downstairs alone (but who does fall asleep on top of my feet after looking at me with those, “Really? Awake? Again? I’m SOOOO sleepy” droopy dog looks) AND the fact that I get to catch up with the amazing links that Jess posts over at Making Home.

Consider just one ... recently she pointed us to a great post by Ray Ortlund on “one anothers” that aren’t in the Bible:

"Humble one another, scrutinize one another, pressure one another, embarrass one another, correct one another, corner one another, interrupt one another, run one another’s lives, confess one another’s sins, disapprove of one another . . . ."

Well said, don’t you think?

I wonder what else you would add to the list of NON-biblical “one anothers”?

4AM. I’m going to try to sleep again soon–

Good morning!

Your friend,
Tara B.

TakeYourVitaminZ linked over to the trailer for a movie about forgiveness that, well, I’m a little scared to see (to face such horror and suffering!) but also very interested to see (because of its honesty and call for mercy and forgiveness):

As We Forgive

Awhile back, I received an email from a woman who was seeking my advice about some concerns she and her husband had regarding their new pastor. I won’t go into any more details (in order to guard their confidentiality), but I think even with just that cursory picture in your mind, some of you might want to read my response to her:

"Dear Tammy [NOT her real name of course],

I am so very sorry to learn of this painful situation in your church! I have prayed for you and I hope that this email provides you with some ideas for consideration–but of course, I don’t know ‘for sure’ what would be the most wise and loving response in your exact situation.

To begin, it seems to me that the Lord is working on your heart in this situation and I would encourage you to seek counsel and help with that area first of all. For example, to what extent (if any) might you have a deep, graceless, lack of love toward this “young pastor” (and other church leaders who do not meet with your approval).

As I’m sure you know, it is very hard to help someone when we can’t stand them. They pick up on our lack of love and pretty much anything we try to do or say communicates the gracelessness that we feel (even if it’s only nonverbally).

So ... how might God be leading you to repent of any harshness, judgmental attitudes, lack of love, lack of care, and lack of grace?

Secondly, I think it is so wonderful that you are aware of your constitution and you care about it. I love reading bylaws and constitutions too! So that really resonated with me and made me smile.

However ... I’m sure you are aware that most people just aren’t that into “details.” They don’t curl up with the Book of Church Order as a good read and even if they do, many people (even people in authority over us) just don’t have the temperament/brain power/intellect and experience/maturity to begin to understand, follow, implement, and enforce it.

Therefore, I would encourage you to, again, begin with any potential logs in your own eye. Could it possibly be that you are maybe a tiny bit proud re: your understanding of “what’s RIGHT” and “their” ignorance/lack of intellect/lack of rigor when it comes to important issues like these?

I bring this up because, again, it is very, very hard to gently and graciously help ANYONE–more or less a LEADER–when we think we are better than them / when we are judging them as incompetent when compared to us / when, rather than trying to come alongside of them and HELP THEM, we really just want to STOP THEM or FIX THEM, etc.

But that leads me to my third point–dear Tammy, I know I don’t know you well, but it seems to me that God has gifted you and your husband in many ways. And this is obviously a painful burden to you. So, NO, I don’t think you should just “let God take care of the problem.” I could very easily see God using YOU to help with “the problem”–BUT, and this is the key, if you think of “them” as being “out there” and “them” as being “THE PROBLEM,” then you are missing out on so much ...

- the covenantal nature of Christian relationships
- your own depravity and blindness and sin
- true ecclesiology and what the church IS and what church authority MEANS and what ordination means
- how to use your gifts with grace and humility

etc. etc.

Plus? If “THEY” are the problem, you’re never going to love them.

Please remember that either they are unbelievers who need Jesus; or they are Christians who have some (apparently significant) areas of blindness, immaturity, and sin in them. Either way, how is God calling you to HELP in the situation and be a sweet, gracious, wise, discerning, edifying, fragrant aroma of the gospel? This may mean speaking up. It may mean being silent. Probably, it’ll be a combination of the two. But a combination of the two WITH LOVE, WITH GRACE, mindful of how desperate you are for God’s grace too.

I hope these brief thoughts are helpful to you even a tiny bit. Please take them with a big grain of salt and throw out the chaff!

OK–must run now. Sending you my love from Montana!

Yours,
Tara B."

This morning, my friend Andrew (you know him as “Andrew from Boston” as a frequent commenter on this blog) sent me an encouraging note (he’s been encouraging me for ten years now!) and a link to a video that I was glad to have watched:

The Internet Slambook

In it, the speaker talks about a cruel ritual that girls in her junior high used to do (they created “slambooks” and wrote awful things about other girls in it)–and then she shares some good thoughts about how we are all prone to remember and fixate on harsh criticism we receive (even from relative strangers!) rather than the honest feedback of true friends.

It’s worth the three minutes if you care to click through.

(Thanks, Andrew, for sending it along!)

I am continuing in my VERY down, VERY low-energy days. It was pretty much impossible to get out of bed this morning–so I was glad to have some duties that required it. Otherwise, I think I’d still be there right now.

Nothing bad is happening. I’m not sad about any particular thing. I’m just sad–which, if you’ve been reading this blog for very long, you know I struggle with. I definitely have that “prone to melancholy” tendency. Some days it is very hard to persevere.

And yet, life goes on.

And we are so blessed in so many ways ...

- Soph continues to be attack-free! It’s such a grace. No screaming and doubling over and projectile vomiting since December now. Wow! We still have her new medicine “at the ready” at all times, but so far it has been completely unnecessary.

- One of her two abnormal test results at The Children’s Hospital last month was a slightly elevated IGE level (which is something in the blood related to allergens), so yesterday we spent five hours in allergy testing. Four sets of scratch tests, multiple breathing tests (pre- and post-breathing treatment) and NOTHING. This kid is allergic to NOTHING. Isn’t that wonderful? They still have no idea why her IGE level was up, but they don’t think it’s anything to be too concerned about.

- We got to spend a lovely little playdate with new friends this morning. The 18 month old was a ROCK around spazzy loving Golden Retriever Lilikoi–she’d just turn away if Lili got too excited. It was GREAT. She was quite the little toddler dog whisperer and Lili just took her cue and calmed down. I loved it. Plus, the mom was sweet and brought sweet cookies too! So even in my incredibly low-energy place, I was blessed with nice conversation, the cutest little child, and nummy cookies too.

All in all, nothing to complain about. (Which is one reason why I’m always tempted to feel so guilty for having this vague, general, sad sense.) But I AM learning to give myself grace and say, “Oh. A sad day. Too bad. But what are ya' gonna do? It’ll probably pass before too long. Let’s go take a shower and head into our day ...”

Hope YOU aren’t having a sad day!

We’re off to gymnastics now–and then we’ll be helping some friends this afternoon.

Blessings and joy,
Tara B.

Oh my STARS! This is a profound video.



(HT: TakeYourVitaminZ!)

Another classic from the only e-devotional I read Mon-Fri, RZIM’s Slice of Infinity:

Relational Testimony (by L.T. Jeyachandran)

Let me tempt you with just a snippet:

"As an apologist, I am often engaged in conversations that involve the philosophical, theological, scientific, and historical reasons by which one could reasonably conclude that Jesus is exactly who he said he was–the eternal God now come in the flesh. But interestingly enough, Jesus tells us in John 13:34-35 that the final apologetic by which this world will recognize that he was sent by God is the demonstrable love-relationship that will be seen in the lives of his disciples.

Why is it that the unfathomable truth of Word made flesh can only be conclusively understood in a living, verifiable community of believers? Why is it that of all the methods that the evil one could invent to thwart the purposes of God, none would succeed so spectacularly as the disruption of relationships among the members of the body of Christ?

There is one simple but profound answer ..."

(Doesn’t that make you want to read the entire devotional? And maybe sign up to receive this devotional too? I can tell you that they have NEVER spammed my email address. They don’t even ask for donations. They just bless and bless–which, of course, makes me WANT to support them. )

Blessings on your Thursday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Wow! I just read my daily “Slice of Infinity” from Ravi Zacharias ministries and since it is perfectly on point to my most recent post, I encourage you to check it out:

Magnanimmity

Let me tempt you with just a brief excerpt:

"... Acedia was considered one of the most serious of sins. It manifested itself in sloth or spiritual despair, but more significantly embodied the temptation to give up caring about anything truly important. Acedia led to spiritual impotence and smallness of heart. Spiritual impotence would allow vice to flourish and virtue to languish, not because vice was purposely chosen or intentionally entered into, but because spiritual lassitude desiccated one’s concern to be virtuous.

In our day, this same acedia distracts many a Christian pilgrim from following the way of Jesus. Author Kathleen Norris warns that acedia “is known to foster excessive self-justification, as well as a casual yet implacable judgmentalism toward others,” and readily lends itself to this process of spiritual apathy. With this understanding, we can see why the Parson would encourage magnanimity to combat acedia, for a magnanimous person is a person who is generous of spirit, caring, and gracious in forgiveness. Chaucer, through the voice of the Parson, warns that “a great heart is needed against acedia, lest it swallow up the soul.” A great heart is a magnanimous heart full of generosity and graciousness, eager to forgive. Acedia, on the other hand, makes our hearts small, consumed not with care for the things God cares for, but devoured by things that do not matter at all.

Acedia further makes it easy for me to pluck the speck out of my sister’s eye while I ignore the log in my own. This propensity to see others as the primary problem, while elevating one’s own self is a clear sign that acedia has taken root in one’s life. On the contrary, magnanimity, as Norris notes, “requires creativity to recognize our faults, and to discern virtues in those we would rather disdain ..."

Don’t you want to read the entire article? (And while you’re at it, sign up for this great e-devotional? It is the ONLY devotional I have subscribed to for YEARS. It’s that good, that consistently.)

Oh, that we would have mananimous heart this very day!

Yours,
Tara B.

I received an interesting question from a women’s ministry leader and I thought I’d share my response to her with you.

The gist of her question had to do with the fact that after a recent retreat, their women’s ministry leadership team met, and one of her leaders shared how “someone” had been offended by the style or worship music used at the event.

This woman asked for my advice and this is what I told her:

"Dear [name],

I’m sorry that you had to receive some “nameless, faceless” criticism. It’s always hard to learn that we’ve offended “someone” but that person hasn’t talked to us, they’ve talked to others.

Sadly, that is far too often the case—and it is extremely toxic to relationships and trust. I’m really sorry that you’ve had to face this and I commend you for taking it seriously and prayerfully seeking counsel as to what you and your other leaders might do in response.

My first advice is to read The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. This book is foundational for every single Christian to understand what it really means to live out the Second Greatest Commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself.” I would also encourage you to have your team read it too—and possibly take a few minutes out of your planning meetings or email discussions to visit about the biblical principles and how your ministry can and should be committed to encouraging them, even as you are dedicated to your other ministry goals.

(Oh, and if reading a book seems like too much, you could also just read yourself and ask your team to read the basic principles on the Peacemaker Website.)

Secondly, I would encourage you to ask the leader (who knows who was offended) to approach that person and gently encourage them to (graciously) talk about their offense so that a) your leadership team can apologize for hurt and confess if there has actually been an offense and b) LEARN from her experience so that in the future you do an even better job serving your constituents.

Thirdly, I encourage you to consider some sort of email follow-up survey (there are some great options online that give you “one free try” as a marketing offer, or else you can make your own) and ask the women BRIEF, QUANTIFIABLE questions about your recent conference. Keep them short and to the point—but be sure you cover this “style or music” question AND (tactfully/carefully/graciously) the “offense” question too.

(BTW—I find that surveys work best when you a) guarantee that there names can be kept anonymous—but encourage them to LET YOU KNOW if they’ve been offended; and b) offer a screamin’ deal PRIZE for the participants.)

THEN, your leadership team should ACT on the survey. If 90% of your attendees didn’t like the worship music, maybe you should think about changing it for your next event. But if it’s 1 or 2 (or NO) people? Then don’t worry about it.

You know—you are NEVER going to please everyone. Never. Whatever you do, WHATEVER you do, you will ALWAYS end up offending someone, letting someone down, not doing enough, etc. etc. Do your best. Love God. Love neighbor. Be teachable and humble. AND LET IT GO.

(But first, learn biblical peacemaking and equip your leaders and equip your women to breathe grace in their relationships. )

Hope this helps!

Have a blessed day–

Yours,
Tara B."

Would you have advised similarly? I’d love to know how to improve my encouragement and counsel to her.

We’re off to co-op in a little bit, so I’d better get going. Soph wrote the CUTEST poem (well, at least her favorite audience/momma thinks so) for our poetry unit study and she’s going to read it in class today. Should be fun!

Sending you love from COLD Montana,
Tara B.

Pastor Anyabwile has another great post on church membership that I encourage you to check out:

What God Has Joined Together

In it, he quotes John Stott and that made me want to go and grab my old books by Dr. Stott. I think he was one of the very first theologians I read as a new Believer back a zillion years ago in my late-teens, early twenties.

Thank God for the (imperfect!) Church!

Yours,
Tara B.

I’m praying and working to prepare a new teaching for our denomination’s women’s ministry leadership conference this March:

Persevering with Grace When our Leaders Let Us Down: As wonderful as headship is (and it is wonderful!), our leaders are not perfect. No matter how hard they try, their leadership of us will always be flawed. They may misunderstand us, take offense at something we do or say, or simply not like our personality. In their fallenness and sin, they may actually wrong us intentionally. Often, they hurt us most deeply by their neglect—they fail to give us the proactive attention and care we long for. So how do we respond? And how do we lead other women who are hurt by our leaders? This seminar will explore some practical ways that the gospel enables us to persevere with grace when our leaders let us down.

It’s such a hard topic! But one I hear about (and experience personally) on a very regular basis.

Like one example I thought of during church yesterday ...

Awhile back, I was really excited about joining a group of women in my church who were working together on a ministry goal. The women were really interesting and loved the Lord–and they had a ton of experience and I was eager to learn from them all.

But then one of my church leaders–a man who really didn’t know me at all–said something to me to the effect of:

"You know, Tara, you’re probably just going to take over that group and ruin it. You’ll be too loud and dominant and think you have better ways of running things and it won’t work at all."

(Nice, eh?)

Now, of course, even with graceless criticism, there are almost always true and accurate aspects to the criticism. And that’s surely the case here!

I have DEFINITELY gone into many situations and “ruined them” in the past. I was impatient and talked too much. I didn’t encourage others. And yes, in my INTJ-ness, I saw lots of ways to “improve” things and was too quick to share my opinions.

(That’s why Chapter 9 of our book, Peacemaking Women, is my favorite ... “Women Leaders with Powerful Personalities”. Ahhhhh. That hits close to home.)

But at the same time, I also know that God IS growing me in grace and conforming me to the image of His Son. God has graciously brought around me wise and gracious church leaders, friends, and a husband, who are all helping to confront, encourage, and sanctify me.

Still ... it took a pretty big dying to self to not give up on that church leader after his harsh words. I wanted to run away from him! But then, but then, I REALLY didn’t want to treat him the same way he had treated me. I didn’t want to judge him. I didn’t want to be graceless toward him.

I begged God to help me to treat this man as GOD treated me–with patience and kindness, long-suffering, forbearance, MERCY. Because just like me, just like all of us, my church leader is growing in grace too.

So anyway ... I thought I’d give you a little peek into a topic that I’m thinking and praying a lot about these days.

It’s pretty counter-cultural, isn’t it? To love our enemies? And pray for those who mistreat us? Why would we EVER do such ridiculous things?

For this reason alone ... God, Who is rich in mercy, has made us alive with Him in Christ. We, who were His enemies, fully deserving His wrath, have been forgiven. Cleansed. Justified. And adopted.

And so we live this life NOT for ourselves, but for Him Who made us and saved us.

These relational sufferings? They are simply the opportunities we have to remember God, suffer and grieve (and, as appropriate, graciously help others to grow too) ... but to live for Christ.

I’m praying for all of you dear blog readers! And for every group study of “Peaceamking Women” and “Living the Gospel in Relationships” that I learn about.

With love,
Tara B.

PS
If you (or the people around you) might say that “powerful” is a potential apt description of your personality, in addition to Chapter 9 of “Peacemaking Women”, you might be encouraged and helped by my audio CD, Biblical Hope (and Help!) for Women with Powerful Personalities. It almost always sells out at my events, so I know that I am not alone in this particular aspect of life’s journey.

Have you been following the discussions over at IX Marks re: church membership? Pastor Anyabwile posted some great examples today that I encourage you to check out:

Membership Based on a True Story

I have always been so grateful that when the Lord saved me, He placed me into membership in a local church. I was taught that was “just the way Christians live.”

We know that there are spiritual forces at work; that the world tempts us; our own flesh hates the thought of crucifixion ... and so we run to the church for accountability, discipline, oversight, protection AND so that we can serve others as members of the Body of Christ.

I was in my late twenties before I even knew that people questioned this. I went to undergrad and joined one church and committed myself to it the entire five years I was there. I went to grad school and did the same. One church in Chicago and now we’ve been members of our local church here in Billings since we moved here in 1999.

You know, with all of its failings; given the fact that my worst suffering in life happened in my local church; even though I so often feel like a complete misfit ... I just can’t imagine life apart from the local church.

So anyway ... I thought you might enjoy the thread and, in particular, the post I linked to above.

Happy Saturday to you! We’re heading to “Peter and the Wolf” with our friend Megan Sande this morning.

Blessings,
Tara B.

My morning Bible reading was SPOT ON re: my previous post, so I thought I’d share it with you too:

"One who is taught the word must share all good things with the one who teaches. Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." Galatians 6:6-10

What a great reminder that we are to “share all good things” with those who teach us!

(I wonder ... what can we do TODAY to bless our pastors and other church leaders? A two-second email? Real snail-mail card? (If we have the financial means ...) a gift card to their favorite restaurant?)

And what a comfort to know that when WE try to bless and serve well and are mistreated, we don’t have to give up. Because we are not persevering for the OTHER PEOPLE–we are simply obeying God and “sowing to the Spirit.”

Ahhhhh–just what I needed ... a reminder to keep my heart fixed on eternity. What else matters?

Hope your Friday is a blessed one. We’re going to try to get Soph’s 5th birthday picture taken today!

Yours,
Tara B.

In the last few days, I’ve visited with multiple women who are:

1. Generously giving of themselves to serve their churches (through volunteer prayer ministries, mercy ministries, etc.); and

2. Being yelled at (literally!) and treated incredibly disrespectfully by the very people they are sacrificing their personal and family time to bless.

It’s just so strange. Understandable, of course, but strange too.

I prayed for them and tried to encourage them by reminding them that we are all called to be in difficult relationships–lots of people are either unregenerate or very immature. And their selfishness, harsh and critical attitudes, and lack of love are really to be expected.

But that doesn’t make it any easier, does it? To serve and give and sacrifice–and be treated terribly? It’s unjust. It’s not fair. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

But it IS the opportunity for us to lay down our lives, pick up our crosses, and treat them NOT as they deserve–but as GOD treats US. To bless and never curse. Pray, do good, suffer.

I hate it though–I hate that these amazing women are treated like this. Reminds me of what a women’s ministry director told me once as SHE was counseling and encouraging me to persevere and not give up when I had been treated badly by some Christians.

"Welcome to the club, Tara. We get t-shirts, you know."

Here’s hoping that your day is NOT being filled with too many difficult people–and that when it is, you are finding yourself so wholly defined by the gospel of Jesus Christ, that you can walk through even the most awful situation with grace.

My day’s gone pretty nicely. We’re unpacked. Laundry is just about done. (It’s a clean sheet day! Hooray!) And I actually even walked Lilikoi–my first exercise since, ummmm, well, maybe September?

Sending you love–
Tara B.

This is actually a very common situation–especially for Christian conciliators who regularly work on church intervention teams for conflicted congregations.

How would your church respond?

Church “Tramps”

I’m enjoying Ligon Duncan’s blog and wanted to pass along to you all a great post from last month:

What it Means to Love One Another in the Context of the Local Church

Many thanks to Between Two Worlds for pointing us to this article:

Governor Ryan, the Willis Family, and the Pursuit of Biblical Forgiveness

Hey!

Did you guys know that Tim Challies reviewed Judy’s and my book, “Peacemaking Women”?

I didn’t!

But I just got a Google Hit alert for his review today and it’s actually dated July 25, 2006! So I don’t know what’s up with that.

What I do know, however, is that I am honored that he listed our book as “recommended.” Of all of the blogs I read daily, his is definitely in the top five for being Christ-exalting, gospel-centered, biblically-faithful, winsome and WISE.

So if you’re interested, I hope you’ll check it out:

Tim Challies' Review of “Peacemaking Women”

Oh, and THANKS for the encouraging emails and calls today!

I’m currently surrounded by a motley collection of clothes as I have to pack our family for a blizzard in Chicago en route to beaches in Mexico. Soph had her worst day ever re: her current medical crises ... BUT, we are going to the hospital in the morning for a test AND I was able to schedule her to see the specialist in Denver in January, so I am hopeful that we’ll be able to relieve her of this pain before too long, Lord willing.

Mostly? I do think that by God’s grace, it may have actually been a day of entrusting things to the Lord (rather than that other thing I mentioned earlier).

Pastor Jason prayed this morning that I would be surprised by God’s grace today and yes, with tears in my eyes, I must admit that I was and I am.

Hope you are too!

Thanks again and much love,
Tara B.

Tim Challies has a great post on overlooking that I encourage you to read:

Overlooking an Offense

His main points are:

1. Examine Yourself

2. Examine Yourself Again: Are You Right?

3. Determine the Importance

4. Look for Patterns

5. Be Sensitive

6. Seek Counsel

And I’ll close with his closing words (on seeking counsel) to tempt you to (hopefully) click on through:

"It may be valuable to seek the counsel of other mature Christians before pursuing confrontation. You will want to ensure that this is not simply an opportunity to gossip and vent, after which you will feel better and let the matter drop. But discreetly seeking wise counsel may be a very good way of “error-checking” your assessment of the previous four steps.

If, after such an assessment of your own heart, the offender, and the offense, you still feel confrontation is necessary, you will want to pursue forgiveness and reconciliation in the way Jesus outlines in Matthew 18.

However, far more often than not, I think you will find it is wise to let the matter go. And here you will need to release your pride and outrage. You will need to be willing to let the matter well and truly drop, not telling others about it and not letting it fill your mind and outrage your heart. It is the glory of a man to overlook an offense; it is a foolish and prideful man who feels every little offense is worthy of confrontation."

We had a (sad!) question posted over at PeaceGals and I’m HOPING that a few of you will pop on over and share your thoughts to encourage and help this woman.

Here is a portion of my response:

"Oh, Barbara!! I am SO sorry that you have experienced this. I bet that MANY of us could relate ...

- Unaware that someone is upset with us and growing MORE AND MORE upset with us with every passing day

- One day, there is an EXPLOSION (in person, via email, in the “old days”–an actual LETTER) and the person UNLOADS on us

- We hear about all of our failings, weaknesses, fallenness, immaturity, SIN

And then? And then? Do we hear the gospel? That God loves His children because of CHRIST, because it is His nature to be a forgiving and gracious and merciful God? That just as God never gives up on His children, this FRIEND will never give up on us too?

No. We hear this instead:

- “I never want to see you or hear from you again.”

- “There. I’ve said what I need to say and we’re DONE talking about this.”

- “Leave me in peace.”

But of course there is no peace. No Shalom. No presence of soundness and wholeness. No trust. No love.

So what do I recommend? ...

What would YOU recommend, dear blog friends??

Looking forward to reading your counsel–

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
I just saw that we currently have 99 members of PeaceGals ... so the very next person who registers will be #100!! Doesn’t that sound like it deserves some sort of “Tara loves to give away FREE STUFF prize???” Be sure to email me if you’re #100 and let’s see what we can do.

I could have avoided SO many conflicts and better communicated my (GENUINE!) love for people if ONLY I had known this in my 20's:



(Wow. That’s a LOT of wisdom, eh?)

Oh–and did you know that John Piper is also an INTJ? “INTJs are usually difficult to get to know well, and difficult to get close to.” Yup. That’s me. Difficult. But I would’ve been a little LESS difficult if back THEN I knew 1/100th of what I know now and 1/1,000,000th of what John Piper has forgotten in his lifetime.

Hope your Monday is going well–

Yours,
Tara B.

(HT: TakeYourVitaminZ!)

Don’t miss this rich post by Tim Chester:

Creating Communities of Grace

Let me tempt you with just a snippet:

"(1) Make the connections ...

(2) Welcome the mess:

Welcome messy communities. Welcome messy people. Obviously you’ll want them to change, to become more like Jesus, to be set free from their slaveries. But don’t make your welcome dependent on change. Don’t suppress conflict. Don’t hide problems.

(3) Stop pretending ...

(4) Stop performing ...

(5) Eat and drink with broken people ...

(6) Give people time to change:

I think there are some tensions and questions here, but we need to give people time to change. How long did it take for you to become perfectly like Jesus? Of course, you’re still changing. There are some sins we’re prepared to work on over a lifetime, but there are others where we demand instant change. Why is this? The answer, of course, is that we want them to become respectable. We don’t want a messy community. So we say, ‘You’re saved by faith, but to become part of the church (e.g. to be baptised) you need to change your life.’ So which is it? Are we saved by works or are we saved by works?

(7) Focus on the heart ..."

Preach it, Pastor Chester!

Thank God for grace.

Happy, blessed Monday to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

Please take a minute to read a great post by Tim Chester:

Communities of Performance vs Communities of Grace

(HT: TakeYourVitaminZ)

I’ve had a mini-run of people asking me for advice on how to “get into” the field of Christian conciliation. Since I thought the topic might be of interest to the 1,000 or so of you who regularly read this blog every week, here are my recommendations:

1. Live the gospel / breathe grace / be a peacemaker in your own relationships. You can’t help someone else if you are not first internalizing these truths and (imperfectly of course!) faithfully striving to obey all that God requires re: loving your neighbor.

2. Serve within your local church. Even if you’re just at the initial stage of “Oh wow! I read The Peacemaker and I’m really excited about this peacemaking thing!” Great. So look around and ask yourself how you might (gently!) introduce the concepts into whatever sphere of influence you already have within your church. Do you work with kids? Maybe ask the person in charge if you can share The Young Peacemaker principles with the other teachers or post the YP posters in the C.E. hallway. Are you passionate about missions? Check out The Team Peacemaker and International Peacemaking materials. Ask to teach the basic peacemaking principles; the next time someone complains to you about their inlaws, grab a Slippery Slope card or flip over a sheet of paper and draw three trees.

If you are living as a peacemaker and gently promoting peacemaking in your church–before you know it, you will have more and more opportunities to serve. That’s when you’ll want to be sure you’re getting more training (next point) and consider the timing of asking your leaders if you can establish a Peacemaking Team in your church.

3. Do all of the training you can from Peacemaker Ministries and The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. Biblical. Cross-centered. Practical. Eat it up! No matter what happens in life, you will be better equipped to minister and serve. And if you do end up as a Christian conciliator? It’ll be the bread and butter of how you bring truth and grace to bear in the lives of people in conflict.

So ... do you need a bachelor’s degree in organizational communication and conflict resolution / a second Master’s degree in the dynamics of conflicted individuals and their entities / a law degree? Ummmmm ... no. Might be helpful, sure! But it’s not like you’ll finish your degree, hang out a shingle that says, “Christian conciliator” and be ready to serve. Plus, as I am quite confident every single Certified Christian Conciliator with the Institute for Christian Conciliation, a division of Peacemaker Ministries would tell you ... it’s not like you can easily make a living off of peacemaking (i.e., don’t give up your day job).

But are we called to be peacemakers? Yes! All of us. Every single Christian.

"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God." Matthew 5:9

Amen!

And hope this post helps you if you’re trying to figure out whether or how you should pursue the ministry of Christian conciliation.

Blessings to you!

In Christ our Joy,
Tara B.

PS
When I was poking around to find your links this morning, I found a much more articulate article on this topic written by the (wise & winsome) Chip Zimmer. You may want to check out: Answering The Call to Peacemaking

Still mulling a bit on this topic of harsh criticism/feedback ...

It hit me last night that (maybe?) some people use particularly strong (harsh) words in their feedback of others because they think that their hearers can “TAKE IT.”

Maybe the person comes across as “strong” and/or “together.” Maybe she’s a size 00 shirt-tucker and her eleven children always are in clean, pressed, matching clothes with happy/cheerful/obedient dispositions. Maybe he has all of the position, power, prestige, and wealth.

And so it can be tempting to “let 'em have it” because OBVIOUSLY, they’re strong and they can take it.

Really? Don’t be too sure ...

Maybe she’s just been so ruthlessly attacked for so many years that she can stand in front of you and “keep it together” even though inside, she is doubled-over (again) by the blow. Maybe he comes ACROSS as strong and unaffected–but your crushing criticism is the straw on his back that opens up wounds from a childhood of neglect and horror you could never even imagine.

But there he stands–unmoving. “So strong.” Right.

It seems to me that one aspect of learning to deal more graciously with one another is to remember that we ALL are human. Frail. Sometimes strong and sometimes weak. But humans, pilgrims, walking through this oft-troubled life, persevering in a world that is truly “not the way it’s supposed to be.”

And people suffer WAY more in their lives than we could ever imagine. (Especially the “strong” ones. Especially if we never take the time to actually get to know them.)

You know–years ago, I was hurt terribly by some Christians. I look back on that season of my life with many regrets. One of my greatest regrets is the lack of compassion I had for the (seemingly) “strong” people who were hurting me. Where was my love? Where was my grace? Lacking, to be sure.

Thank God for forgiveness! (I do! I do!)
I pray that I never repeat my graceless criticism of them or any other person.

Yours in the battle,
Tara B.

A comment this morning from Susan started my mind clicking along again about this whole “graceless criticism” topic.

I really wonder WHY a person would feel the freedom to write words on a feedback form that can only be described as MEAN.

Is it because of the anonymity? Do we say to ourselves, “Hey! No one will EVER know it’s ME, so I can just be as BLUNT and CRUEL as I want to be and then HAH! I can go on back to the ”Peacemaker Conference" or the “Women’s Retreat” and be all godly, loving Jesus, fun & relational, etc. But if we had to WEAR OUR WORDS in GIANT SIGNS on our backs and fronts, would we ever write words like:

"You are a terrible speaker! You are disorganized and stupid. You obviously didn’t prepare AT ALL. This was a COMPLETE waste of my time and I can’t BELIEVE that I spent all this money to come to this conference only to waste it on something as poorly-done as YOUR workshop."

Wow. That’s some serious criticism, eh? I found it particularly interesting given it was in the same stack with someone who wrote:

"Dear Tara, this was a wonderful workshop. I was SO encouraged by the gospel! And I loved laughing and even crying with the other women. All of my questions were answered about the DVD series AND I left even more confident in who I am in Christ. THANK YOU. This was a great use of my time.

I do want to let you know, however, that the woman sitting next to me, I think, absolutely HATES YOU and HATED this workshop. It was as though every word you said just made her MORE AND MORE ANGRY. I didn’t know why or what was going on and I wasn’t sure how to engage with her–and so I just prayed for her heart."

The second feedback card reminded me of something I heard Dr. Dan Doriani say at a women’s conference at Covenant Seminary once ... it was something to the effect of, “Your graceless criticism of me reveals less about me than it reveals about the appalling condition of your heart.”

Oh!! How I pray that I will avoid graceless criticism. That I will always remember that the “Event Hosts” and “Speakers” and “Volunteers” who are running around TRYING to do a good job to serve ARE ACTUALLY HUMAN BEINGS TOO. And they are NOT there solely for my comfort and ease. They are PEOPLE; sometimes lazy, often working hard and doing their best ... but PEOPLE nonetheless.

And if they ask for my feedback, then I should give it gently, carefully, and if it is something particularly concerning, maybe I should even put my NAME and CONTACT INFORMATION on it and invite a further conversation? (This will help me to guard what I say, won’t it?)

Oh–and what about this whole “say something nice and THEN get to what you REALLY want to say” advice that you hear about a lot when you look up “advice for giving criticism.”

Honestly? I usually can’t stand it because it feels like it’s just a set up and REALLY? The person is really only there because he wants to SMACK ME DOWN / judge me / reject me.

And yet ... if the person GENUINELY cares about you and GENUINELY wants to encourage you, demonstrate appreciation, show you gentleness and kindness? Well, THAT is ALWAYS appreciated, right?

Let me see if an illustration will help to make the distinction:

SCENARIO 1–The Hypothetical Chicago Offices of a Young Lawyer, we’ll call her Lara
You know that your boss is unhappy with you/your work. You try to do better, but you can tell that either you’re not improving fast enough OR he just doesn’t like you. Bottomline? It’s not a good fit and, as the days go on and your “failures” continue to mount, you doubt it’ll work out for you to stay at your job.

One day your boss comes into your office with a sheet of paper in his hand. You can see that it has a number of your WORST failings and weaknesses listed on it. He sits down and begins to tell you how great you are at organizing and wow! You’re just a super-fast typist. ("Uh-huh," you think. “Who cares?! I can tell you’re just saying some token affirmation before you either SLAM ME or slam me and then FIRE ME. Please. Just get to the point. This whole ‘Affirm First!’ idea is a crock.”)

And it is. He’s up on a pedestal. You’re down in the pit. He’s judging you a failure – and any little “affirmation” he throws your way does NOT overcome his abject rejecting of you.

SCENARIO 2–A Typical Day in an Evangelical Christian Woman’s Life
Your pastor has been a faithful, albeit imperfect, friend to you over the years. At times he has loved you well. At other times, you’ve dropped off of his radar even at times when you could’ve used his help (like the 500 other sheep he cares for). But you know that he is committed to you for the long-haul. He wants to not only be your shepherd but your brother in Christ, too.

One day, he emails you and your husband and asks for a meeting with you. You cringe a little because there are a couple of situations going on in your life that, well, you KNOW you should be dealing with, but you’ve been avoiding. Still, you set up the meeting. As you gather, your pastor opens up the Bible and reminds all three of you who God is and all that He has done for you in Christ. Then he shares something hard that’s going on in his own life and asks for your counsel and prayer. He affirms how much your family’s encouragement and love has meant to him over the years. He affirms how much he cares for you. And yes, he brings up two of the difficult situations that you had initially cringed over.

He affirms again how he is right there with you in the battle–he knows what it’s like to struggle and he is just as desperate for Christ as you are. He gently asks you to share some of the things that have been going on in your heart–where are you tempted to love your sin? How are you forgetting God? What are some of the present means of grace for you in this moment? What will happen if you persist in your sin?

In short? He loves you enough to tell you the truth and confront you–but he does so by affirming his place by your side as your friend and brother AND his particular concern for you as your shepherd overseer in authority over you. Is it embarrassing? Of course! Does it feel good? No way. But IS it good? Yes.

Well ... I suppose that’s enough musing on criticism to last us for awhile.

Hope it’s edifying even in some small way!

Off to wake up our lovie–

Yours,
Tara B.

Late last week, Peacemakers sent home with Fred my workshop evaluations. Thankfully, the vast majority checked the “YES, this workshop was helpful” and “YES, I would recommend this workshop to others” boxes. Hooray that not every person’s time was wasted with little ol' (fevered, sick, migrained) me.

However, as I believe I’ve already alluded to in a previous post, WOW! Were some people MAD that they had wasted their workshop time with Tara. And they did not mince words in expressing their, ummmm ... (I’m trying to be charitable in how I characterize their feedback) ... disappointment with me.

I want to learn from the criticism, of course. And to do so, I also need to keep it in perspective and give it its appropriate weight. For example, if I received, say, 100 feedback forms and 2 people absolutely BLASTED me with words so harsh I will not restate them; and an additional 3 said, “could’ve been better / here are some ideas for improvement” ... I shouldn’t press “play” on the, “Tara is an abject failure and everyone hates her” tape that is so easily ready to start running in the back of my mind.

No! I must avoid that “sticky brain” trap because anecdotally it’s not true and statistically it’s not true either. But WAY more importantly, of course, the Cross condemns me even more so than these graceless (and I’m really not using hyperbole there) feedback forms. (That truth is straight out of my pastor, Alfred Poirier’s, The Cross and Criticism and I always re-read it whenever I receive particularly harsh feedback.)

I also did a little searching of this topic on DesiringGod’s website (it is SO full of excellent, biblical helps!). And of criticism, John Piper says:

"One thing is for sure: if you begin to lead others you will be criticized. No one will be a significant spiritual leader if his aim is to please others and seek their approval. Paul said in Galatians 1:10, “Am I seeking the favor of men or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still pleasing men I should not be a servant of Christ.” Spiritual leaders do not seek the praises of men, they seek to please God. Dr. Carl Lundquist, former President of Bethel College and Seminary, said in his final report to the Baptist General Conference that there was hardly one of the 28 years in which he served the Conference that he was not actively opposed by many people.

If criticism disables us, we will never make it as spiritual leaders. I don’t mean that we must be the kind of people who don’t feel hurt, but rather that we must not be wiped out by the hurt. We must be able to say with Paul in 2 Corinthians 4:8, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” We will feel the criticism but we will not be incapacitated by it. As Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:16, “We do not lose heart.”

Leaders must be able to digest depression because they will eat plenty of it. There will be many days when the temptation is very strong to quit because of unappreciative people. Criticism is one of Satan’s favorite weapons to try to get effective Christian leaders to throw in the towel.

I should, however, qualify this characteristic of being thick-skinned. I do not want to give the impression that spiritual leaders are closed off to legitimate criticism. A good leader must not only be thick-skinned but also open and humbly ready to accept and apply just criticism. No leader is perfect and Jonathan Edwards said once that he made it a spiritual discipline to look for the truth in every criticism that came his way before he discarded it. That’s good advice."

Yes, it is! And the rest of the article is SO worth the read, too. I commend it to you.

Must run to gymnastics & violin now! Hope your Monday is a blessed one.

Yours,
Tara B.

BrittleCrazyGlass pointed me to AdrianWarnock who quoted Mark Driscoll’s definition of a friend. (Did you follow all that? No worries. Here’s the quote ...)

Friends? “They love you, have hope for you, and have time for you.”

Yes.

At friend-prayer group this morning, I was reflecting on how blessed our family is to have pastors/church leaders who a) understand what the Bible says about their duties to shepherd their sheep; and b) try hard.

Are they perfect? Nope. (And they would be the first ones to admit that, I am sure.)

But they take their ordination vows seriously. And they work very hard.

Plus? Sometimes they excel at shepherding by:

- Counseling well: They know the Scripture and use it wisely to encourage, rebuke, exhort, and comfort

- Loving well: taking the time to reach out and listen; demonstrating genuine care and concern

- Living well: valiantly fighting faith’s fight against sin (and calling us to do the same), but leading from a place of weakness and vulnerability that points to the Savior (rather than works).

Are my church leaders perfect? No way.

Do I thank God for them? Every day.

(Oh, and I thank God for a husband who leads me in similar ways too. Hi Fred! )

We’re off to gymnastics! Hope your Monday is a blessed one.

Yours,
Tara B.

Oh! That Carolyn McCulley! She’s such a gift to the Body.

Check out her post today (including the links) and be blessed:

Reflecting on Words

Her posts are always worth the read–but this one was particularly timely for me because of two things that happened this morning.

1. When trying to express my heart to Fred this morning, I remembered Pastor Jason’s exhortation to always speak the gospel to Fred and intentionally reaffirm with my words my confidence in God and my commitment and love for Fred–especially in those hard conversations. And so I did. And it helped us both! So I am grateful.

2. I looked across the breakfast table at my gentle and kind husband and I exhorted him to respond to someone with gentleness and kindness–not because this person deserves it. But because God is so gentle and kind to Fred. Plus, if Fred were to do anything else (say, be harsh, unrelational, uncharitable), he would simply be doing to this person the exact thing being done to him. And what’s the good in that? (Even the pagans and tax collectors ... )

Ahhhhh ... the power of words.
We’re all desperate for Jesus, aren’t we?

I’m wading through unpacking and laundry–
Hope your day is going well!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
If you haven’t yet pre-ordered Carolyn McCulley’s new book, Radical Womanhood–Feminine Faith in a Feminist World, I encourage you to do so today! I ordered mine back in April and can’t wait for it to arrive.

Years ago ... (decades actually! how strange is THAT?!), I sought counsel from my Sunday School teacher (who also happened to be one of my college professors–his philosophy of theology class was one of my all-time favorite classes ever!) ... about how to be a better friend.

(Wow. Sorry about how poorly constructed that sentence is, Anne. I’m embarrassed by the grammar and punctuation–but apparently not enough to fix them.)

ANYWAY ...

This man was the same man who introduced me to Calvin & Luther, sent me to Jonathan Edwards, and made me my first ever xeroxes of scholar-level journal articles on issues of faith. He was and is a “thinker.”

So imagine my surprise in looking back 20 years now (as I prep for my Peacemaker Conference workshops) at the little paperback book he recommended I check out: The Friendship Factor (by Alan Loy McGinnis).

Is this a great book? No.
Is it filled with Christ-exalting, biblical theology? Not really. Nope. I couldn’t say that it is.

But is it worth the read? Yes, I think so–particularly for those of us who (thankfully!) are in biblically-faithful, gospel-preaching churches (so we’re regularly hearing the full counsel of Scripture) and yet we struggle in our relationships. If you can take this little book for what it’s worth, I can honestly say that it helped me back in 1988 and it helped me this weekend upon its re-reading.

It also made me chuckle at times because some of the chapter titles and subtitles are, well, funny. But I often nodded simultaneously in assent because so many struck a chord with me:

- How to Communicate Warmth
- When Kindliness Becomes a Habit
- Be Careful with Criticism
- A Surefire Way to Draw People Close
- Are You the Manipulating Type?
- You Can be Lovable
- Neglect This and Watch Your Friends Flee

(Doesn’t that last one make you want to at least skim the book?)

Honestly? In addition to thanking God for growing me in this area AND for the many friends who consistently enrich my life, I was also very convicted (again) when it came to my relationship with Fred. Oh! I have so far to go in learning to be loving and caring wife. I do pray that our marriage would also be a deep and intimate friendship ... but like so many before us, this season of parenting YOUNG CHILDREN (one young child) has affected our relationship to be sure.

At one point in this book, the author says, "Talking is hard. We must schedule time for conversation because loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate." Yes, yes. Grace perseveres! And I long to change–not because I fear wrath, but because I long to glorify God by loving Him and loving my neighbor. Especially my closest neighbors (Fred & Sophia)!

So anyway–stick to the CCEF books, CS Lewis’s writings, or Ajith Fernando’s Reclaiming Friendship if you want the really good stuff re: friendship. But if you ever have 30 minutes to flip through a brief paperback, The Friendship Factor might prove edifying to some of you.

Onward to final packing!

Gratefully,
Tara B.

Couldn’t get back to sleep after 3AM or so. Fred is restless with his fever/getting meds. And I have way too much swimming through my brain re: my workshops for next weekend.

Mostly, I’m wondering WHY, O WHY I ever consented to teaching so many! A) I can’t believe I really have anything that interesting/helpful to say; and B) I’m old and tired! Please remind me next year–if I receive the privilege of an opportunity to serve again–to only teach, you know, ONE workshop. Or maybe two. BUT NOT FIVE.

Anyway ... one of them is on relationships among women especially when we disagree on important topics–and around 5AM this morning, I was blessed to read a great John Newton quote on Calvinists & Controversy that Dr. Ligon Duncan posted over at Reformation21:

"Of all people who engage in controversy, we, who are called Calvinists, are most expressly bound by our own principles to the exercise of gentleness and moderation. If, indeed, they who differ from us have a power of changing themselves, if they can open their own eyes, and soften their own hearts, then we might with less inconsistency be offended at their obstinacy: but if we believe the very contrary to this, our part is, not to strive, but in meekness to instruct those who oppose. “If peradventure God will give them repentance to the acknowledgment of the truth.” If you write with a desire of being an instrument of correcting mistakes, you will of course be cautious of laying stumbling blocks in the way of the blind or of using any expressions that may exasperate their passions, confirm them in their principles, and thereby make their conviction, humanly speaking, more impracticable."

Praying that I will exercise gentleness and moderation! With meekness. Especially when it comes to controversial topics. Especially re: relationships with other Christian women (which still don’t come all that easy to me.)

OK. Back to work. I bet the family will start to stir in the next couple or hours or so.

Happy Sunday!
– Tara B.

Oh, that PastorJollyBlogger! Always pointing us to something important (and helpful!).

Today it was a link to the CGO Forum on Denominational Renewal. The speakers look amazing and I am particularly interested in catching the dialogue that will follow in the weeks to come.

Hope to see you there!

Blessings,
Tara B.

Thanks so much for the kind thoughts and prayers! I’m still not feeling well–but I’m not in the imminent path of a (literal) hurricane, so I need to count my blessings, eh? (Praying for you, Nancy, and everyone on our southern coastline!)

I’m grateful that Sophie and I were able to sleep last night. (Did I mention that she’s sick too?) Often, congestion + kids = a sleepless night for Momma. But we slept well, so that’s a grace.

I did wake up with my heart deep IN THE BATTLE, though. It has to do with a relationship (of course–if you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know it’s either a relationship or FOOD with me!) ...

It’s hard to persevere and I am praying for faith to love well and do well and LIVE well.

Reviewed some of C. Plantinga’s (AMAZING!) book, Not The Way It’s Supposed to Be–A Breviary of Sin this morning to remind me of Truth:

"We keep company with God only by adopting God’s purposes for us and following through on them even when it is difficult or initially painful to do so ...

None of our lives is an accident.
We have been called into existence, expected, awaited, equipped, and assigned.

We have been called to undertake the stewardship of a good creation, to create sturdy and buoyant families that pulse with the glad give-and-take of the generations.

By the sins of attack, we vandalize shalom.
By the sins of flight we abandon it.

When we flee responsibility, we turn our backs on God’s presence and blessing and begin the slow process of converting ourselves into derelicts.

We “hate the light and do not come to the light” (John 3:20)

[BUT!] Don’t forget the resolve of God!

God wants shalom and will pay any price to get it back.

Human sin is stubborn but not as stubborn as the grace of God and not half so persistent, not half so ready to suffer to win its way."

Banking on the resolve of God–

Yours feveredly,
Tara B.

One of my favorite people in the world is Ajith Fernando. This quiet, gentle, giant of a man of faith serves Youth for Christ with passion, brilliance, and faithful, humble, love. I never fail to learn when I read anything he writes–and I am always drawn to worship Christ.

I think I may have posted this essay he wrote on "Leaders as In-House Peacemakers" a few years back (can you believe I’ve blogged over 1,200 posts?!)–but it’s so good that I wanted to share it again. (Please note that the bolded sections are my emphases, not Pastor Fernando’s.)

Hope your weekend is restful and enjoyable!

Yours,
Tara B.

LEADERS AS IN-HOUSE PEACEMAKERS
by Ajith Fernando

I have found that one of the most important roles of leaders is to be “in-house peacemakers,” that is, to lead in solving unity problems within the group they lead. This priority is seen in the high priestly prayer of Jesus when he prayed asking that his disciples be one so that the world may believe (John 17:11, 22). Paul also expressed this priority when he said, “complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (Philip. 2:2). Something of his joy was gone when believers did not dwell in unity. So he urges them to become one again. Later, using emphatic language this time, he says, “I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord” (Philip. 4.2)

WHY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT FOR LEADERS
I can say that in my over twenty-six at my job, maintaining unity among the YFC leaders has been the most demanding challenge I have had. A dear friend of mine, who is both the CEO of a bank and an Assembly of God pastor, once told me, “The most important task of a leader is to keep the team united.”

Leaders are essentially enablers: they enable others to do the work that takes their group/church forward. Few things hinder the forward march of a group as much as disunity within the group. It causes emotional and spiritual exhaustion. Despite its great cost Christian ministry is a gloriously exciting work that thrills the heart of the minister. What more exciting thing could one do than to be carried along by the fresh wind of the Spirit. But disunity grieves and quenches the Spirit. Rather than being joyously carried along by God’s Spirit, we have to grind out our work through sheer human effort. That is exhausting. And, working without joy, we become irritable and lash out at people, especially those who we think are not working as hard as we are. Through that we lose our spiritual credibility and also struggle with the guilt that accompanies these outbursts. Toil, guilt and anger with colleagues are a sure formula for burn-out.

So disunity must be confronted the moment it emerges and dealt with as a matter of urgency. I think this is one reason why we leaders end up so tired (smile)! Disunity has a nasty way of surfacing when we are most busy! We could lay aside the peacemaking role by saying that we are too busy and tired. That is what many of us do, but the consequences of this neglect are terrible. Like Jesus and Paul, leaders must take the first steps in initiating a discussion when even a hint of disunity is sensed. We may end up tired, but the unity that results gives us the freedom of the Spirit. I would any day take on tiredness in exchange for this loss of the freedom of the Spirit. When we are free, we are joyful, and joy is perhaps the most wonderful treasure one can have on earth. “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!” (Psalm 133:1).

Of course, we must try and catch up on the rest we lost as a result of the peacemaking effort (This is what I will try to do in a few minutes!). When we neglect rest we break a law of God and therefore that neglect should be classed as a sin.

Doing my part to foster unity in YFC is an area in which I have failed often. And most often the reason for my failure has been that I have not considered a problem that surfaced as urgent when it really was urgent. The reason for my neglect is that when I find out about the problem I think, “That is a minor matter,” and because I am very busy and terribly absent minded, it just slips out of my mind. A few days (and sometimes weeks) later I find that the hurt person is still hurt over the problem and is now also hurt with me because I have not done anything about it even though I knew about it. If something we consider a minor matter causes a member to be hurt, and thus jeopardises the unity of the group, that issue immediately becomes a major matter. After so many years of ministry I still keep making this error regularly. In fact, that is what prompted me to write this article! (By reading this you have become privy to a confession!!).

WHEN MEMBERS LEAVE US
Let me also say that I think one of the hardest times in the life of a leader is when a member of our group leaves unhappily. Actually it is one of the hardest times for the whole group-the potential for the rest of the team to become demotivated and discouraged and discouraged at such a time is immense. We may think that this person is totally wrong in his or her attitude. But we are leaders, and that means that when these angry people came to work for us we took on the responsibility of shepherding them-of looking after them. The fact that they are now mad at us does not take away our shepherding responsibility. In fact, it shows that this project of looking after this particular member has seen some failure.

We must do all we can to salvage the situation. And one of the things we can do is to ensure that the one leaving us is on the path to healing from the pain resulting from involvement with us. One key to healing is telling us what they feel. They had spent their years and their energy working with us, and now it is very hard for them to leave unhappily. They should be given the opportunity of telling the full story of why they are leaving. If we have strong personalities we could overwhelm the sharing persons by responding to their accusations so strongly that they are at a loss for words. We can avoid an embarrassing and humiliating situation that way, but we don’t help to heal this person’s wounds. We have acted selfishly.

The commercial world has recently discovered the value of the “exit interview.” It is a pity that the church has not caught on to that yet. If they have not had an opportunity to unburden themselves by telling us what is on their mind, those things will remain as a festering wound that could cause severe bitterness and severe spiritual and ministerial crippling.

They will go to their next group with unhealed wounds which will erupt when touched. Often the result is that very soon they leave their new group too. They become “evangelical grasshoppers”-and what a common phenomenon that is today!

I can tell you that these exit interviews can be devastating to the leader. Perhaps you have tried hard to be fair, but this person views you as having acted very unfairly. But if it helps in the recovery of the angry member, then it is our duty to take on the devastation in love. After all, that person’s vulnerability and uncertainty, as he or she goes in search of a new group, is often more serious than our pain. Besides, does not the good shepherd lay down his life for the sheep (John 10:11)? Dying-experiencing pain, inconvenience, tiredness on behalf of those we lead-is one of the primary callings of Christian ministry.

THEOLOGY-DRIVEN PEACEMAKING
Through these many years I have had numerous conflict situations both in family life and in the ministry. During those times there have been three important theological principles that have given me hope and encouraged me to persevere, even when the going has been really tough. It is our theology that gives us the courage to do the tough things that the biblical lifestyle demands of us, even though emotionally we may not be inclined towards doing them.

This is a key point, because our so-called post-modern generation has been described “as an instinctually stimulated generation where people prefer to feel than to think” (Laurence Wood). Now this feature of society may influence our evangelistic styles, but our lifestyle and decision-making must always be theologically (that is, biblically) driven. Some are saying today that this “Biblicism” is simply a part of the evangelical heritage from the so-called modern era and that it can therefore be modified. We cannot do that because this is the way of life that God’s Word prescribes for us (2 Tim. 3:16-17). So this is an area where we Evangelicals must be counter-cultural. Not to be Bible driven in our decision-making is to be syncretistic.

It looks like I have got caught up in a digression, but it is an intentional one. I believe the reason why the Evangelical church today is lazy about striving for peace (Eph. 4:3) is that she is not skilled in the art of having the Bible overcome natural fleshly inclinations such as the inclination is to avoid the unpleasantness of confronting disunity.

Here then are the three theological principles.

1. What unites us as members of the body of Christ is much, much more powerful and influential in determining our actions than what divides us. Ephesians 4:4-6 says that what unites us is the motivation to being eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit (4:3). This theological motivation causes us to approach the problem with confidence even though the conflict may be huge.

2. Because God is sovereign over the affairs of this world, however serious the problem, he is able to turn it to good if we let him. So we work with believing that good will come out of this if we are obedient. Because unity is the will of God, it should come into our reckoning when we think of the goodness that will come out of the conflict.

3. However deep the hurt, we know that God’s love is greater than that pain and than the unkindness that caused it. This gives us the courage to forgive those who have hurt us and to strive for reconciliation rather than to strive to win the immediate battle. We can win the battle to retrieve our wounded ego and lose the war for kingdom principles. True success is measured not from temporary triumphs in individual battles but from the triumph of the agenda of the kingdom. It is sobering to note that this agenda encompasses every member of the body of Christ, even the one who is now our enemy.

Are you a leader? Then devote yourself to in-house peacemaking. Be “eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephes. 4:3).

Strong language again from Paul! This is urgent business in the Pauline understanding of ministry.

Ajith Fernando
Youth for Christ, 129/1b High Level Road, Kirulapone, Colombo 5,
Sri Lanka

I just pitched a potentially new topic to Peacemaker Ministries for their conference next month and I’d LOVE to know whether you think it sounds interesting/helpful/etc:

How to Grow Redemptive (and Enjoyable!) Relationships among Our Women—Especially When We Disagree: Do you have a hard time even imagining what it would be like for the relationships among your women to be united, mutually-encouraging, and overflowing with grace—especially when you disagree on important topics? In this workshop, we will discuss some of the most commonly-divisive topics among women (working outside of the home, children and childrearing, domestic duties, educational choices, money, sex, in-laws, etc.) and prayerfully consider some biblical and practical ways we can grow genuinely redemptive (and even enjoyable!) relationships among our women. (By the way—if you instinctively think, “There is NO way I will ever feel comfortable or wanted around Christian women!” then this workshop is particularly for YOU because that is exactly the way the speaker, Tara Barthel, felt around Christian women for years.)

My darling Fred just posted a funny video over at the Peacemaker Ministries blog. You can even see his (messy!) office in it ...



I hope you enjoy! And I also hope that you will give serious consideration to attending the Peacemaker Conference next month in Orlando. I’m already scheduling visits during the conference with online and “real life” (and online who’ve become real life) friends.

Hope to see you there!

Yours,
Tara B.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm ... that Tim Challies knows what he is doing!! His current “King for a Day/Month/Whatever it ends up being” blog (Take Your Vitamin Z) is definitely going on my “check it out” list. I’ve already clicked through to like five articles–and that hardly EVER happens when I read a new blog.

But wouldn’t you want to read these too?

- Reasons People Choose a Church (look at the high incidence of RELATIONSHIPS–can we all say PEACEMAKING/LIVING THE GOSPEL? Ranked 1, 2 & 4!)

- You Have Your Clique–But Do You Have the Gospel?

"Many of us are extremely biblical and God-centered in our creeds, but regrettably exude a rank man-centered, self-pleasing, earth-clinging practice with our relationships."

- Indicatives and Imperatives–Get This Down (Don’t miss this! Gospel, gospel, gospel! “The grammar of the gospel,” says Sinclair Ferguson)

- (And for my blogging pals ...) Blog Ethics (by Tim Keller and David Powlison) and Lessons from a Blog Break

Whew! What a lovely gift to wake up to this morning. And I didn’t even link to all of the posts on adoption (a topic near and dear to my heart!).

Off to walk Lili and tackle abs now. (Yes, I’ve dropped the MATH part of my “math and abs.” I’m only so strong, I guess. Actually, I’m excited for the coming year and feeling OK about walking through Math-U-See with the Sophster now.)

Happy Thursday!

Yours,
Tara B.

If you have an interest in teaching peacemaking cross-culturally (and equipping others–like your short-term missions team members? ful-time missionaries? others?!) to do the same, I just read two great articles on a brand-new blog that you will definitely want to bookmark:

Barretts Reflections

Bob and Sue Barrett provide wonderful insights and training in cross-cultural peacemaking, so be sure to bookmark their site if this is an interest to you!

Oh, and good morning! Happy Tuesday!

Fred stayed up until 2AM working on a big project and Sophie and I have to leave to go to our friend’s home in about an hour to help watch a boatload of kids again for the entire day. So I won’t be reachable until evening–or if I just CRASH tonight–tomorrow.

Hope you have a great day–

Love,
Tara B.

Oh! Some of the emails I receive (and blog comments too–but they don’t remain long). Accusatory. Questioning my motives–if not downright DECLARING the blackness of my heart. (And on and on.)

(Of course, as my pastor’s article on The Cross and Criticism reminds us all–whatever their accusation, they don’t know the half of it when it comes to the depths of my sin!)

Anyway ... I was thinking about all of this when I read a stellar (and brief) entry at the 9 Marks blog so I wanted to share it with you:

Adversarial Blogging

What a good reminder of how easy it is to judge and accuse in our relationships (and our blogs!).

But we are called to a different standard.

And as we breathe grace with our words (even when we disagree passionately!), not only is it morally good (it’s the right thing to do!) ... it just FEELS better too. “How good and PLEASANT it is when brothers dwell in unity!”

I don’t know about you, but I could surely use a more grace-based atmosphere in my home, with my friends, in my church, with my extended family, and always on this little blog too. May God help me! (He does. He does.)

Hope you enjoy a lovely Wednesday! I have a big project to tackle today–so I hope that I don’t do my typical procrastinate thing. How cool would it be if I were simply diligent and knocked it right off?

With love and joy,
Tara B.

Doesn’t peacemaking always sound a lot better in the hypothetical or academic realm?

I mean, wouldn’t you rather read a nice book on the doctrine of sin or practice a nice “Seven A’s of Confession” at a practicum or conference ... rather than, you know, having to call someone at 3:00 on a Tuesday and actually CONFESS your sin to them? (And then have to write a bog post on it too because the offense was public so the confession needs to be public too.)

Ahhhh–but such is life in a fallen world. The Old Man resides with us. Satan rears his ugly head. The world batters us around ... and we bump into each other, intentionally and unintentionally. People get hurt. Confessions must be made. Forgiveness is so sweet when granted!

As it was for me, just a few minutes ago.

Apparently, a sister in Christ was hurt by a blog post that I wrote awhile back. Interestingly, the actual post that caused the offense was only up for a few hours because I EDITED it almost immediately after writing it because even I could see that my original words were offensive and inappropriate.

But she had read the original post and it hurt her. Thankfully, I learned that she was hurt and I immediately called and asked if we could set up a time to visit. She graciously scheduled time for me today and after hearing how I had hurt her, I confessed my sin and asked her to forgive me. She was quick to forgive and didn’t even think that this public apology/blog post was necessary ... but she was OK with me doing it if I felt it was best. And I did. So here it is:

Some time last month, I wrote a blog post where I used some ungracious language. It was related to the editing process of my DVD series. I can’t even remember the exact words I used–and I don’t have access to the original blog–but I know that the words I used were rude and not edifying and I regret them. I wish I had never said them! It was wrong of me and I feel terrible about hurting this dear sister in the Lord.

If I hurt or offended you, would you please let me know so that I can confess specifically to you?

Please know that, with God’s help, I hope that I do not use such unloving and inappropriate words in a blog post (or in any context) ever again.

Thanks for listening to my apology!
I hope that you’ll let me know if I’ve offended you.

Oh oh oh ... this life is oft' so hard. But God is so good.

Hope you’re enjoying a lovely Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

I craved a giggle this morning, so I opened up the cartoons that Craig Faust (brilliantly) drew after one of my events years ago. (Thanks again, Craig, for drawing this, sharing it with me, and allowing me to post it too!)



(Don’t you just love the dog’s eyes??)

I’m off to teach now! Slept fitfully and woke up sick. Hmmmmmm ... maybe I’ve been pushing a little too hard. Oh well, it’s only two eight-hour days of teaching ahead of me, how bad can it be?

Have a lovely Friday!

Yours,
Tara B.

My Pastor (Jason Barrie) and I spent an hour on the phone yesterday with my (dear! brilliant! beloved!) friend (and co-author), Judy Dabler. We were seeking her counsel on a workshop that Pastor Jason, Dave Edling (the “Cap'n Dave” I refer to in my teachings), and I will be doing at this fall’s Peacemaker Conference.

The topic is:

Grace for Women with Strong Gifts (and the Men Who Lead Them)

and it builds on the "Powerful Personalities" workshop I did in 2007 by including the perspective of two MEN with whom I have worked.

We’re basically going to tell a little bit of our stories. (Initially, my relationship with these (brilliant! godly! wonderful!) men was quite rocky ... but over time, as we all grew in wisdom, repented of sins (like pride and lack of love), and really got to know one another (which took time and effort), we truly began to delight in each other.

Yes, we are still all three VERY different personalities with quite diverse gifts. Yes, we can bug each other and occasionally hurt and offend each other. But no longer do we dread each other. We are not tempted to blame the other person and pull out the “You’re warping headship in domination!” or “Why don’t you just SUBMIT!” cards. We are genuine friends and I cherish these men.

ANYWAY ... as I’m getting ready this morning to serve at my event (please pray for me for the next three days, by the way!), I’ve been thinking of one of the points that Judy made during the call.

She reminded us that, especially for Christian men who truly want to keep s*xual boundaries “honorable” and “above reproach,” there can be a huge DISTANCE between men and women–especially when they work together in a ministry or church. Wisdom, caution, and accountability are great (of course)!

But if a man is already feeling threatened (because of his own sins of Fear of Man or pride), and he never gets to know the woman, it is almost impossible for their relationship to be one of Shalom. You can’t truly encourage someone if you keep them at arm’s length and never get to know them.

I thought back to my days of working as the only female associate attorney in a “boutique” high net worth estate planning firm–and all of the rounds of golf and cigars I missed out on. (Not that I really minded–but you get the point.)

I’ve worked for Christian men who always made time for their male coworkers and subordinates, taking them out for regular meals, talking at length on business trips ... but who would never take me out for a “atta boy” lunch (to avoid even the appearance of impropriety) and literally would “shun” me when happened to have to travel together (not acknowledge me in an airport, never sit near me in the boarding area (again, just wanting to avoid the appearance of impropriety).

I don’t question being WAY WAY WAY above board in how men and women relate. (Billy Graham was an amazing example of that and he never ONCE had a charge of inappropriateness brought against him.) And I would never want to encourage someone to violate his or her conscience. BUT ... if those are the wisdom calls you are going to make, then it seems to me that you both need to prayerfully and creatively come up with ways to still get to know, enjoy, and even DELIGHT IN one another ... or else your relationship is going go suffer.

That’s what happened with both my Pastor Jason and Can'n Dave. They got to know me (in appropriate ways) and I got to know them. (Oh, and a bunch of repentance and faith and forgiveness too.) But mostly? We became friends who genuinely cared about each other, considered each other’s interests, looked out for each other, prayed for each other (you know ... the “one anothering” Bible passages!). So we had (and have) a foundation of gospel-infused care when the rough times come. (And the rough times WILL come because that’s the nature of all relationships–especially relationships in crazy busy intense situations like being together on a church staff or ministry staff.)

OK. Must run now.

I hope you have a great Thursday! I’ll try to post over the weekend ... but I am teaching solo from 9AM - 5PM Friday & Saturday, so I might be a little hard to reach.

Grace to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

Well ... we all knew that this day was coming, but we didn’t know that it would arrive yesterday at the “Inside Ancient Egypt” exhibit at The Chicago Field Museum. But it did.

Ever since the very day we brought Sophia home from the hospital and she was immediately BELOVED by our dearest friends, my sister (Kali) and “her Fred” (Fred MacRae) ...



(Do you see Choza peeking in the corner there? And that’s Grandma Marjorie–Fred’s MacRae’s mom–too!)

... We knew that as Sophia grew up, we would have to have a PLAN for how to (gently! winsomely!) handle the clash of our worldviews that was sure to happen.

You see, Kali & “her Fred” are our dearest friends. And they are not Christians. They are “rational naturalists.” (Think genius-level Ivy League grads who are huge “Scientific American” fans and you’ll have a sense of their worldviews.)

They are also extraordinarily loving, gentle, generous, kind and VERY careful to be respectful of our beliefs (even though they disagree with them).

We occasionally talk openly about the claims of Christ, philosophy, religion, etc. ... and they both DEFINITELY “know” the gospel (better than most Christians, I think). But they don’t believe it. Knowledge is not belief and knowledge does not save.

ANYWAY ... since we’re such good friends, we knew we would have to figure out “a plan” for navigating the DIRECT questions that were sure to come from my “talks a lot about Jesus and God and spiritual things all the time” kid. But when the first “put you right on the spot” question came yesterday ("And YOU love JESUS, right Auntie Kali?") ... to quote my beloved sister:

"I didn’t have a plan! So I just said YES!"

She laughed in the retelling late last night. She wasn’t offended or worried (nor was her Fred).

They honestly want to support our raising of Sophia, not challenge us ...
And they realize that the time for having discussions about whether morality and religions “are equal” is NOT when a child is four years old.

So, instead, they took her through the Ancient Eqypt exhibit and explained how the Egyptians “were mistaken” because they thought they needed boats and servants to “get to Heaven”, rather than Jesus. They affirmed all of the Old Testament stories and teachings about the Israelites being slaves and God using Pharaoh to “let His people go!”

Basically, they were their typical, honoring, loving, WONDERFUL selves and that’s why we trust them with Sophia in any environment at any time. And I know a lot of Christian parents with non-Christian family members can’t say the same thing.

I am SO grateful for the care and friendship!

But I REALLY want us to come up with a better “PLAN!” I don’t want them to “have to” lie and say they love Jesus. I appreciate that they don’t want to confuse Sophia, but I want them to be 100% comfortable with how we interact and I want them to KNOW that we LOVE them just as they are. (We just also pray that they will one day see their need for The Savior and reach out to Jesus with saving faith!)

Anyway ... the boys are still sleeping and we’ll be heading into our day soon. I think we’re going to Navy Pier today, so that’ll be great.

Thank you SO much for the prayers!! Sorry I was such a grouch about the DVD project. I really think that whenever I have a HUGE project due, I usually just FREAK OUT emotionally about anything and everything. Since I stayed up until almost 2AM getting ready for my event this coming weekend (Thurs-Sun), I am feeling MUCH better about everything in life. Including the DVD project. I am honored that Peacemakers is considering it and I trust that if the changes they require violate my conscience, then I will simply have to gently decline. No need to freak out.

Hope you have a lovely Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Fred just posted some of the Peacemaker Conference Videos over at Route 5:9.

'Course, I never like to hear or see myself ... but if you’d like to see my efforts to describe the “Peacemaking Women / Living the Gospel in Relationships” track, click on over. (My video is over a bit to the right.)

(I should’ve worn a different necklace. )

Hope your Thursday went well! I’m ZONKED and eager to hit the hay tonight.

Blessings and joy,
Tara B.

Wow. I just read an amazing post about a resolution that passed at the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) this week in Indianapolis. It has to do with “regenerate church membership and church member restoration” and I am SO excited for how God is working in the SBC!

You can read a great explanation here:

SBC-Indianapolis #3 - The Resolution passes

But for those of you with a heart for biblical peacemaking who KNOW that the encouragement, accountability, and discipline of the local church is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for our efforts to “keep the unity of the Spirit through the bonds of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-3), I bet some of the wording will encourage you too:

"RESOLVED that we urge the churches of the Southern Baptist Convention to repent of the any failure among us to live up to our professed commitment to regenerate church membership and any failure to obey Jesus Christ in the practice of lovingly correcting wayward church members (Matthew 18:15-18 ), and be it further

RESOLVED that we humbly encourage denominational servants to support and encourage churches that seek to recover and implement our Savior’s teachings on church discipline, even if such efforts result in the reduction in the number of members that are reported in those churches ..."

Wow! Preach it, SBC!

And hear the words of another great SBC theologian, Dr. David Dockery:

"We need to repent of our lack of concern for biblical faithfulness in our concern and care for church members," he said. “We need to repent of the way the way we often allow people to join local churches without stressing the covenantal aspect of membership. We need to repent of the fact that we have largely neglected any aspect of church discipline that would have helped us begin to address some of these matters.”

Thank God for His work through the SBC! (And thanks to Pastor Anybwile for pointing this out on his wonderful blog.)

I have been plowing through emails and trying to catch up on my reading as I’ve flown from Montana to Florida all day today.

Some things I skim and some things I don’t even glance at (delete-o-rama!). But a recent “Slice of Infinity” written by J.M. Njoroge (associate apologist at Ravi Zacharias International Ministries) stopped me in my tracks. I had to slow down and really read it. And then read it again. And then pray.

I thought it might challenge some of you, too, so here is a brief excerpt to tempt you (emphasis added):

“When our pursuit for success is severed from a healthy sense of our chronic indebtedness, achieving success can instill in us a measure of entitlement foreign to our true identity. Such a pitfall is even more consequential in our spiritual lives since it is harder to distinguish between self-serving motives and genuine zeal for the Lord …

Pure, unadulterated motives may lie beyond the reach of even the most devout among us, but the intentional recognition of our humble place in deference to the majesty of our Maker is an indispensable ingredient in our service to Him and others.”

I truly hope you will read the entire essay:

Sibling Rivalry and the House of Faith

I am so glad that I subscribe to this gem of a daily e-devotional.

Grace to you!

Much love,
Tara B.

Don’t miss this post from Carolyn McCulley’s RadicalWomanhood:

Wounded at the Hands of Men

"This kind of forgiveness is completely impossible without the gospel."

Amen, Carolyn! Amen and thank you for your ministry to us all.

Recently, at one of my booktables, a woman asked me about a certain ministry. Apparently, she had met some people who were affiliated with this organization and they just despised it. They thought it was a “cult” and “intrusive” and boy! They just didn’t have anything good to say about it.

The woman was careful in her speech and seemed very winsome and genuine in simply seeking to be wise re: seeking my opinion and thoughts about this organization.

I told her my best understanding of the people leading it; the theology that it espouses; and my experience of the resources that it produces.

But I also told her this:

I encourage you to not evaluate an organization, church, denomination, ministry, etc., based on what one person says or even what a few people say. It seems to me that every organization has certain people that, for whatever reason, are going to HATE it.

Every organization also, I bet, has people associated with it who REALLY represent it poorly. They may be heretical in their theology/doctrine; legalistic or licentious in their behavior; unloving and proud; foolish and immature ... but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the organization should be rejected out of hand.

Rather, we should be wise and seek to understand the best representation of what an organization actually believes, espouses, and promotes. And then remember that people are fallen, fickle, and often poor representatives.

She graciously accepted my thoughts–and I do hope that she will get to know the organization that she was inquiring about because I think it is (imperfect! but ...) GREAT.

OK. Back to work now. I am trying to frame out my workshops for this fall’s Peacemaker Conference ... so of course I am tempted to do everything BUT the task at hand.

Joy to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

Thanks, Pastor Anyabwile (PureChurch), for linking to these great articles by C.J. Mahaney on family vacations:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

(Updated on 5/31 with the third and final installment from Pastor Mahaney. Last night I asked Fred if he would please read these articles and help us to prepare for some upcoming trips we have as a family. I think they will really help us to be more intentional and actually TALK about stuff BEFORE we’re on the road. I’m really looking forward to it.)

Wow. There is just SO much I don’t even know ANYTHING about!

Do you know of this great man: Henry Alford? I sure didn’t. But I want to learn more about him.

Apparently he was brilliant–but listen to just one paragraph describing him (emphasis added):

"Nor was he merely an arid academic. When he was sixteen, Alford wrote in his Bible, “I do this day, as in the presence of God and my own soul, renew my covenant with God, and solemnly determine henceforth to become His, and to do His work as far as in me lies.” He was known for his consistent and holy life, as well as his likable, friendly way of dealing with people."

I want to be like this man!

Ok, Ok, I know I’ll never like him in the smarts department. But oh! I do pray that I would learn more and more each day how to be “likable and friendly.”

(I’m SO grateful for my church and my friends who help me to grow in grace.)

Solo Deo Gloria!

For God’s glory and love of God and neighbor.

Blessed Thursday to you!

With love,
Tara B.

So ... do you think I ever hear comments like THIS after women hear me speak at an event or watch my DVDs/read my book?

"If ONLY my church were like YOUR church, Tara ... but it’s NOT!"

“Your leaders sound SO GREAT ... but my leaders don’t shepherd like that. Maybe I should leave my church.”

I do. I really do. All the time.

This is just an (edited) excerpt from how I responded to a woman today:

1. Please know that when I talk about my church, I am always VERY cognizant of how limited a view I am giving. For instance, for every example I give of a gracious woman, I am sure it wouldn’t be hard to talk about a petty, selfish, graceless, competitive, immature woman. For every time my elders have led by repentance and humility, there are examples of their pride, ignorance, and hard-heartedness. But in general, painting with broad brushstrokes, what I MEAN to communicate is that here are some examples of the gospel being lived out in redemptive, authentic relationship with (imperfect but well-intentioned) men shepherding their sheep through formative/judicial discipline, biblical counseling, and biblical peacemaking.

2. Please know that (as the last two days of my life again showed me and as I experience at EVERY SINGLE EVENT I have EVER done) … in general, VERY VERY VERY VERY rare is the church that even a) knows about; more or less b) TRIES to discipline, counsel, and mediate amongst its members. It’s just SO rare.

Why? Unbelief. Ignorance. Sin. We don’t know the gospel. Or we only know the gospel to a certain extent—but no further. But we don’t know how to LIVE the gospel. (How does it apply to REAL life?) Or we KNOW how the gospel applies to real life (lay down your life; pick up your cross; suffer well; do good to people who HATE you; bless people who CURSE you), but we don’t want to OBEY because we either don’t KNOW how short this life is and how long eternity is or we are forgetting it OR we just don’t care.

We love ourselves and our comfort more than we love ANYTHING else. And church discipline? Accountability? Counseling (that GOES BEYOND just paying someone so that you can WHINE and be PLACATED in your sin and unbelief OR just paying someone to give you the “ten steps for change/SILVER BULLET” legalistic list of things TO DO)? Peacemaking? Way too costly. Painful. Would require submission and FAITH and LOVE. Who wants to do that? Not us. Not the Old Man that resides in us. Not left to our own sinful/fallen devices living in a sinful/fallen world. (Which, by the way, is EXACTLY why we NEED the Church SO MUCH!)

3. So please don’t think, “Oh, Tara’s church has all of those PEACEMAKERS in it. It must be PERFECT. No conflicts there!” “Oh, Tara’s elders are ALWAYS gracious and gospel-proclaiming, they NEVER hit you upside with the LAW.” Or, “Gee! If ONLY I could go to Tara’s church. THAT would be great.” Because you know what? It’s is great. And it’s awful too. It’s real life. (And, by the way, “peacemakers” can be some of the most RUTHLESS peace-FAKERS and peace-BREAKERS because, like all of us, they can be tempted to take good, redemptive tools of GRACE and use them as WEAPONS to beat people up with. In that “godly” sort of way, of course.)

4. Re: your friend who is struggling with that certain sin … SO SORRY to hear about that!! Boy, these chemical addictions DO have a special pull/draw/POWER of temptation. Genetics. Predisposition. Oh oh oh! Alcohol, meth, cocaine. SO INCREDIBLY HARD to not go back to those ruling lusts. So absolutely necessary that we get help.

Please encourage her to keep on persevering in getting help—even though, apparently, some of the people’s responses have been less than helpful/encouraging/redemptive. THAT OFTEN HAPPENS. People let us down. People have areas of immaturity and ways that they don’t see and understand the gospel (especially the depths of their own sin!). It is particularly hard to not be legalistic and judgmental towards legalistic and judgmental people! It’s hard, but not impossible. Please encourage your friend and help her to not judge them, but to move toward them with even MORE grace as they judge and reject her.

5. Re: whether you should leave your church. I have no idea. But as I mentioned earlier, a church that does not have “grace abounding” is, well, pretty much EVERY church (including my own!). And rather than LEAVE and look for “the church” that “gets grace,” it seems to me that perhaps, instead, you should consider how God might be calling YOU to drink so deeply of God’s grace that you splash it onto the people around you. And then, help them to do the same. You’ve been hurt. Your friend has been hurt. People have wronged you. What would it look like for you to treat the members of your church and the leaders of your church NOT as they deserve but as God treats YOU?

6. Lastly, I encourage you to read The Peacemaking Pastor but NOT so that you can create a list of all of the ways your church and church leaders have failed you. Rather, read it with an eye toward, “Have I faithfully, humbly HELPED my church leaders to lead our church well?” It is a fantastic book. You may also want to consider How People Change because it really provides GREAT insights as to how we can grow a more gracious and redemptive atmosphere of the gospel in our relationships.

Another great read by Paul Tripp:

Created for Community

I encourage you to read the entire article and I’ll tempt you with just a few excerpts (emphasis mine–don’t miss the bold paragraph!):

"People are created for community. We are made in the likeness of a God who not only is committed to community and calls us to community, but is Himself a community. He did not structure us to live in isolation and autonomy. He created us to live in two essential communities: a loving, worshipful, and dependent community with Him, and a loving, serving, interdependent community with one another. We will never be what we are supposed to be or do what we were created to do while living in isolation from worshipful friendship with God, and mutually-serving friendship with others ...

Yet with all of our gratitude, it is important to recognize that there is something powerful inside each of us that drives us away from these two essential communities. That thing is sin. In its fundamental form, sin is anti-social. A verse in 2 Corinthians 5 captures this well: “And he died for all that those who live should no longer live for themselves … .” He died for my sin—which causes me to shrink my life down to the size of…my life. Sin causes my thoughts and motives to be dominated by a powerful triad of self-focus: my wants, my feeling, my needs. Where sin reigns community struggles ...

The lies of autonomy and self-sufficiency push us toward individualistic and private lifestyles ...

We tend to live with big barriers between our public personas and our private lives. We do tend to live in networks of terminally casual relationships. Most of the people we think we know we don’t actually know. Yes, we know things about them, but would probably be shocked if we knew the struggles that regularly take place in the interior of their lives. Most of what we call fellowship is not fellowship at all. It is surface talk about things that don’t matter that allows us to maintain our privacy. So the couple who has been fighting on the way to church hits the front door with a smile, the mother who is frazzled takes a few minutes to get herself together. And when we arrive for public worship, nobody tells, nobody knows, and nobody helps.

Yet relationship—community—is at the very heart of Christianity. We are not just forgiven; we are welcomed into God’s family ... And He warns us that this community is not a luxury for a few, but is essential for each one of us. He calls us to live as if we actually believe that our walk with Him is a community project ..."

Thanks for this great link, Molly!

Josh Harris on Educational Choices

What a winsome reminder that unity and mutual encouragement ARE possible in the Body of Christ ... even over an issue that (SADLY!) so often DIVIDES Christians.

Molly posted a great blog over at the Peacemakers Route 5:9:

Ten Commandments for Email Communications

(Oh–and by the way–you can blame the original author, Tim Voorhees, for the reason Peacemaking Women and this blog even exist. Way back a zillion years ago, he was the one who made it possible for me to pursue training as a Christian conciliator with Peacemaker Ministries. We were still valiantly working to pay off our $73,000 of (MY! not Fred’s) grad school debt, and there was just no way we could’ve afforded to send me to the training. So you can blame Tim’s generosity for this blog and for anything I have to do with peacemaking.)

(Thanks, Tim!)

I hope your Monday was a good one. I enjoyed many blessings but was CRUSHED by my own stupidity when I realized that I COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RUINED an entire load of my best laundry by leaving a tube of lipstick in it (!!!!). I couldn’t believe it! I remember specifically checking the pockets for lipstick ... but, nope. All of my best pants ... GARBAGE. I worked all day to get the stains out but my labors were to no avail.

It’s particularly frustrating for me because I was SO happy to (finally!) FIT into those pants again. But now I have to try to find new pants before I fly out to West Virginia on Thursday. Here’s hoping there are some good sales somewhere. Oh! I just HATE wasting money like this. Fred is so gracious–but I feel like such a failure re: financial stewardship. But it’s done now, no use crying over spilt melted lipstick.

God’s blessings on your evening!

With love,
Tara B.

If you are familiar at all with the basic biblical peacemaking principles taught by Peacemaker Ministries, then you undoubtedly know the Seven A’s of Confession.

The “Seven A's” are great reminders of things to do (and avoid) when confessing to another person.

But here’s the problem (at least as I reflect on Fred’s and my big ol' fight yesterday morning) ...

When I’m REALLY mad, I just DON’T CARE about what I KNOW to be true.

Case in point: yesterday’s fight.

I really think that my response to Fred was a TEXTBOOK example of the OPPOSITE of a helpful/redemptive/productive confession:

1. No way did I address everyone involved because I didn’t want to even THINK about confessing to GOD because really? I was UNREPENTANT. I wasn’t sorry. I was MAD.

2. I ABSOLUTELY thought, felt, and said those blame-shifting, ridiculous words like, “I’m sorry that I had too much emotional energy as I shared that, DARLING, but if you weren’t so DEFENSIVE then maybe we wouldn’t be having this fight!” (etc. etc.) (I am not proud of any of this by the way.)

3. No way was I admitting ANYTHING. Well, that’s not true. I was readily admitting that FRED was wrong. But was I specifically owning up to my contribution to the conflict? No. I was just MAD.

4. I did not acknowledge that I had hurt Fred. My “token apology” was a perfect example of warping a confession into an ATTACK. And like a strange science fiction scene, it was almost as though I could SEE myself being such a jerk, but I kept living out a stupid teaching illustration of HOW NOT TO BE. Ergh! Conflict. No fun.

5. Thankfully, repentance did come and I think that the painful consequences really helped. (I just HATED the HYPOCRISY of Fred and me being estranged while I worked hard to shepherd Sophie all day, ghost write on the gospel & peacemaking, AND pack to go and teach at a peacemaking event this weekend.)

6. I do pray that I will avoid this sin in the future. I do need to be more careful in how I relate with Fred–especially on this certain issue (as I now know but until yesterday morning, I didn’t have a CLUE!). Plus, I need to be more careful to not use a fake confession as an attack. And I need to not “punish” him by FLIGHT (leaving the room, hanging up the cell phone, pulling away).

7. Yes, I have asked God and Fred to forgive me and I am grateful for their mercy.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Amen & Amen!
I am grateful for the forgiveness of God AND my husband.

Hope your Thursday goes well. I’m winging my way to Philadelphia and will hopefully be teaching in Delaware tomorrow.

Grace to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

There’s a fun read over at the Peacemaker Ministries blog:

Baseball and Forgiveness

Even if you’re not a sports fan, you might enjoy it. But oh! If your grandfather was buried with a Chicago CUBS hat in the casket (like mine was) and Wrigley Field is in your blood, then you’ll REALLY enjoy it.

HT: Pastor Anyabwile for linking to this great post by C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney:

How to Help Your Husband When He is Criticized

It’s a great read and I encourage you to check it out.

Hoping to make it home to Montana tonight and worship in my own church tomorrow–but very tight connections for THREE flights and a winter snow storm forecasting 10" for one of my airports! Eek!

Hope your weekend is going well–

Love,
Tara B.

So here’s the “rest of the story” that I wanted to tell you re: clarifying questions ...

The longer I live, the more I am CONFIDENT that people RARELY hear what we say.

So many times, I THINK I’m listening to Fred, but really, I’m thinking about something else (planning what I need to get done that morning or thinking about something that happened with Sophie or planning what I’m going to SAY in response ... whatever). I’m not REALLY listening to him.

(And you can be sure that we often have little tiffs over things that I KNOW I told Fred, but he CLEARLY did not hear. )

This whole “we don’t hear one another well” phenomenon also happens to me a lot when I speak at a retreat or women’s conference.

Now, granted, I say a LOT of words at my events and I am the first one to admit that someone not hearing me or forgetting most of what I say is COMPLETELY understandable. But it is pretty common for me to receive either a question about something I KNOW I covered OR a criticism when someone thinks I SHOULD have said something, but didn’t. (But I KNOW that I did say that very thing!)

A few months ago, I received a confrontational email from someone who was very upset with me for–she THOUGHT–my critical attitude toward twelve-step/AA programs. In her email she commented on how “there is often more grace at an AA meeting than at most churches.”

Now, of course, the interesting thing to me is that, theology concerns aside (and I do have some theology concerns about 12-step programs) ... I ALWAYS SAY THOSE VERY SAME WORDS whenever I teach. (How many of YOU have heard me say that AA meetings often have a WAY more gracious and welcoming attitude than most churches? Thousands of you, I’m sure! Because I always say that!)

But for whatever reason, she didn’t hear me say that and she thought I was being disparaging about 12-step programs.

So here’s the thing ... I COULD HAVE been defensive with her and said, “But I KNOW I said that very thing at your event this weekend!” But what would that have gained anyone?

Whether I said it or not is REALLY not the issue. The real issue is that she was offended. In response, I had an opportunity to thank her for her criticism; affirm to her that I do not believe that 12-step programs should be demeaned or spoken of disrespectfully; let her know that I agree with her that AA meetings often have more “grace” than most churches; and also let her know that I do believe that they have helped millions and millions of people (just like my mom & stepdad who celebrated ten years of sobriety last November).

And so, that’s what I did.

So, to close, I just wanted to encourage you to remember that a lot of conflicts and hurts happen because we either don’t HEAR what the other person is saying or we don’t UNDERSTAND what they are saying.

But we can be loving and merciful to people when we realize that they didn’t hear what we said (because SO OFTEN we are not listening well either!).

AND, gentle, clarifying questions (not to box them into a corner or be defensive or show that we are RIGHT) can often help to diffuse conflicts before they escalate. You might even realize that you don’t even HAVE a conflict once you begin to REALLY listen to the other person and TRULY understand what they are saying.

Hope this helps you even in some tiny way!

I’m off to Georgia now. My schedule is CRAMMED until 1AM Saturday night, so if you don’t hear from me, I hope to resurface again on Sunday.

Joy to you!

With love,
Tara B.

Today was a day filled with many conversations about children, parenting, and education choices.

Some of the moms in my church have been praying for one another and sharing wisdom together–and as the summer approaches, we are talking more frequently now about what our families' schedules might look like in the fall.

I have also been praying for a while now about how/if the Lord might allow our family to reach out more purposefully and proactively to help a single mom and her child–whom we just adore!–who are members of our church. And it sounds like a little “education/learning-oriented” help might be a good fit for the summer months and beyond.

So anyway ... I’m thinking about certain things that OH OH OH SO DO NOT seem to be a good fit for our family; things that might work out; books/blogs I’d like to read to start learning myself more about strengths/weaknesses of various educational strategies; just how grateful I am for the godly women around me who lavishly share their wisdom, experience, and insights to help our family (and our entire church!); and just how much I would LOVE to have EXTENDED conversations with certain friends about all of these things.

(Oh! I wish we could just hole up in a hotel somewhere for a long weekend and TALK and PRAY together about all of this stuff! HEY! Maybe we should DO IT. Anybody interested in a brainstorming / prepping / praying / laughing / encouraging each other extended “Moms trying to figure out some educational goals” type weekend getaway??)

But the things that struck me the most about all of this as I went throughout my day were:

- Relationships matter: More than “accomplishing this” or “being the best at that” ... OH! How I pray that our family would grow in gracious, gospel-proclaiming, loving God & loving neighbor relationships, no matter WHAT educational path we take.

- The genuine love and safety of even one or two REAL friends is a faint glimmer, a sweet aroma, a gentle touch of Heaven: I have come OH SO FAR AWAY from the “I can’t imagine I’ll ever have a friend / I just don’t fit in around Christian women” Tara of the past. Sure, some days I feel lonely and misunderstood. But love perseveres! And today I was overwhelmed with gratitude to God for the genuine and authentic friendships I have the privilege of enjoying with some amazing women. I am so grateful for friends!

- I have the hope that maybe, just MAYBE, I can find my AUTHENTIC SELF as I walk this path of wife to Fred and mom to Sophie and member of my local church who is just trying to be faithful with the day God gives her: For many years, I have felt like a fish out of water in pretty much every way possible. I have tried my best, but never felt like I had even a modicum of competency or “fitness” for what I was supposed to be doing.

Now, please do not understand me ... I surely do not feel either competent or “fit” for the tasks before me as a wife and mother and church member. BUT, I do feel HOPE (that I am where I am supposed to be) and ASSURANCE (that God’s grace IS sufficient for the day).

Maybe I am growing in grace, even in just the TINIEST way, in being “calm” and “quiet” as the Psalmist writes in Psalm 131:

"O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord
from this time forth and forevermore."

I pray that it is so. Even just a little growth in quietness would be a great grace. Not restless. Not frenetic energy. But calm.

(Tara? Calm? Quiet? Surely, Jesus lives! )

OK. 2:30AM. Back to bed now–hopefully my mind will quiet and I can sleep again tonight.

Joy to you!

Your friend,
Tara B.

Do you remember how, when I’m teaching on the “fear of Man,” I often say something to the effect of:

"How much time do you spend thinking about what other people think about you? Because the truth is ... people think about us a lot LESS than we could ever imagine.

And in fact, most people are so busy thinking about what we think about THEM, that they don’t have TIME to think about what they think about us."

(Hmmmmmmmmm ... I’m hoping that’s clearer when spoken, because in re-reading it, that is pretty obscure.)

ANYWAY ... in an email from a friend and a call with dear Samara-lara today, I was reminded of just how true this is.

In both cases, I was reminded that my propensity to be hyper-self-critical AND assume that others are too is just, well, silly.

The first instance had to do with that magazine interview that I’ve felt badly about. My friend told me today that she had read it, and that it was just fine. My hyper-sensitivity-word-smithing-every-detail, she reminded me, is just NOT how most people would read it. They would, instead, glance at it and think, “Oh, there’s a chick named Tara who tries to encourage people to remember who they are in Christ and then live that out in their relationships. Cool.”

The second had to do with this REALLY DUMB thing I did at church a few weeks ago. (I finally worked up the courage to tell Samara the story when we were talking today.)

It was Palm Sunday and Sophie was singing in the choir and we couldn’t SEE Sophie from our “normal” seats. (Do you have “normal” seats in your church?? Where people just usually sit and everyone knows it ... well, except for VISITORS. Cue the scary music.)

So I went into the sanctuary EARLY in order to “save seats” where we could see Soph.

I intentionally picked seats that I THOUGHT wouldn’t inconvenience people. Yeah, right.

INSTEAD, I ended up INADVERTENTLY booting a family out of “their seats” (and feeling HORRIBLE and STUPID once I saw what I had done) AND inconveniencing VISITORS who were there for a baby’s baptism.

** I just wanted to CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND DIE!!! **

It LOOKED like I was putting MY COMFORT above everyone else’s ... but I REALLY REALLY REALLY didn’t mean to do that!! I even tried to move to the back once I saw what I had accidentally done, but then Fred had us move to the FRONT ROW and I was mortified. (I was flushed for HOURS and I still cringe when I think about it. Oh, and yes, this was the “big fight day” that I blogged about a few weeks ago. )

ANYWAY ... Samara said that PROBABLY no one even noticed and even if they did, they didn’t care and I CERTAINLY shouldn’t be stressed about going back to church. (I had been commenting on how I hadn’t been in church since then because of this annoyingly persistent fever.) She said I don’t need to have any more sleepless nights or minor-"PTSD"-Tara-stress-out feelings related to it ... that it was probably a THOUSAND times worse inside of my HEAD than it was to anyone else.

And, yes, I am sure she is (as usual) RIGHT.

So that’s what I’m telling myself as I try to get some sleep tonight and MAYBE get rid of this (102 degree!! STILL!!) fever tonight.

I’m also telling myself what SOPHIE told me today:

"Don’t be afraid of the mouse king, Momma!" (She had been dancing the Nutcracker for Fred and me and I feigned a bit of fear during the fight sequence.)

“God made you and Jesus is with you. He made your body AND He gave you a soul that will LAST FOREVER. And God is WAY bigger than the mouse king.”

Amen, sister daughter! Preach it! Preach on.

G'nite, all! And God bless–

Yours,
Tara B.

Molly had another great post over at the Peacemaker Ministries blog. She linked to an article on “Church Forward”:

Restoring Integrity to Church Membership

Hope you enjoy!
– tkb

I’m REALLY enjoying Pastor Anyabwile’s blog “Pure Church” (although I DO have to look up how to spell his name EVERY SINGLE TIME I link to it ).

His recent posts on deacons have been sweet reminders of how blessed I am to have such godly elders and deacons over me at my local church (and how blessed I am to be married to Deacon Barthel):

- Deacons: Full of the Spirit and Wisdom

- Deacons: Sincere

Let’s pray for our church leaders today, shall we? And maybe drop them a note to encourage them? That their service would be a joy and not a burden ...

Well ... so far, the brand new Peacemaker Ministries blog

Route 5:9 (Reflections on the Journey of Living Out Matthew 5:9)

is getting to stay in my “favorites” for blogs.

(Usually, when I find a new blog that I like, I drop it into favorites, but if I read it for a few weeks and don’t find it worth returning to, I delete it. Rare is the blog that I keep reading.)

I encourage you to click on over and not just because the world’s cutest blogger is one of the contributors (FRED BARTHEL–husband extraordinaire) ... but because all of the writers really are doing a great job compiling interesting thoughts, teachings, websites, and blog postings on topics related to peacemaking.

Consider just a few of the recent posts:

- Offering Hope is the Main Thing

- List of Resources for Accountability in the Church

- Pastor Driscoll Practicing Peacemaking (after being “gently restored” by two brothers in Christ)

- Be Kind (my favorite post so far, but I’m totally Fred-Barthel-biased of course)

- Six Favorite Lies (that promote conflict)

I hope you enjoy!

Soph and Fred are snoozing away and I’m off to walk Lilikoi now.

You know ... one HUGE blessing about having recently had a horrible migraine is the GRATITUDE I have this morning WHEN I DON’T.

I just can’t tell you how SWEET it was to be able to STAND UP and TURN ON A LIGHT without excruciating pain. I just said, “THANK YOU GOD!”

Blessed Thursday to you–

Yours,
Tara B.

Hey!!!! Guess what?????????

Peacemaker Ministries has a new blog!!

Yes, YES ...

I’m TOTALLY biased because cutie-bear Fred Barthel is one of the contributors. (But so is Ken Sande!)

So you may want to check it out and consider bookmarking it:

Route 5:9

(Wonder why they chose that as a name?????)

Blessings to you!

(From your friend who is ALMOST able to see her dining room and living room floors)–
Tara B.

A great read by Dr. Paul Tripp:

Created for Community

Hope you enjoy!

I should be back in wi-fi range tonight and maybe even sleeping in my own bed if I make my flights.

Hope you’re enjoying a lovely weekend!

Yours,
Tara B.

Wow. Don’t miss this read over at byFaith Magazine:

The Session and Women’s Ministry

It’s long–but worth the read.

I’ll tempt you with just a few excerpts:

- How do elders approach women in ministry in their congregations? “Men are afraid of women. We’re often content to be at arms’ length from them.” A prominent PCA pastor says it simply. His candid comments slice through the familiar rhetoric and hedging inherent in modern-day discussions of male-female relationships, compressing the ambiguity into a hard truth.

... The unease between elders and women’s ministries is not always active. Instead, it can be a function of disconnection. “While there are isolated examples of abuse in this relationship, usually it’s much more subtle,” said Jane Patete, women’s ministries coordinator for the PCA’s Christian Education and Publications (CE&P) Committee. “It’s benign neglect.”

... (quoting Rev. Dr. Ligon Duncan) “I would encourage women not to be utterly crushed if the church lets them down ... we haven’t done the best job in this area, and so we need to prayerfully wait on the Lord, as in all areas of growth, being patient and not embittered.”

Amen and amen!

Our leaders are in progress too!
And they need grace just as much as we do.

Let’s not give up on them, OK?

Sending you love from MSP,
Tara B.

Fred was praying for me the other night and he prayed that, in particular, I would have a merciful heart toward a certain person who treats me very badly.

As he prayed, I was stuck by how easy it was for me to have a hard heart toward this person. I think, “She is just SO proud! She sneers at me and judges me and obviously thinks I’m stupid / boring / ugly / worthy only of rejection.”

And then, somehow, I give myself “permission” to, well, NOT LIKE HER.
Or–if I’m feeling particularly “Christian”–to “love her” but PULL BACK FROM HER and keep her at arm’s length.

When Fred was praying for me, though, I was cut the quick with how guilty I was of the very things my HEART was accusing her of!(Oooooooooooooh! We really ARE a wretched lot, aren’t we?)

So I am praying right now that God will help me to put HER struggle in the context of MY struggle. Because whenever I do that for ANY person, I am reminded of just how messed up I am, how desperate I am for grace ... and how I am JUST LIKE HER.

My only beauty? Christ.
My only hope? Christ.

This helps me to persevere and really pray for the other person and really strive to love her well.

Thank God for His mercies!
And for husbands (and friends) who love us enough to a) tell us the truth; b) never reject us; and c) PRAY FOR US.

Resting in Christ alone!

With love from Pennsylvania,
Tara B.

HT: Pastor Anyabwile for pointing me in the direction of this post and the (MANY!) comments that have already followed it in only a few days.

Some of you may remember that Fred has taught on the topic of “Worship Wars” at past Peacemaker Conferences. And of course, as a Christian conciliator who has served on conflicted church intervention teams–and believe you me, MUSIC MATTERS–I just have to say ...

Yikes!

Against Music*

(Don’t you just LOVE the posts that are humble and gracious!?!)

May God help us to seek HIS face and the true unity that reflect the Trinity!

Yours,
Tara B.

I found this old article (from March 2007) and thought it might bless you too.

Hope your week is off to a great start! I am happily working hard at my sister’s home (and missing Fred and Sophie terribly).

Joy to you!
– Tara B.

An Idiot’s Guide to Correction
From the Blog New Attitude
http://www.newattitude.org

Posted by Eric Simmons, regular contributor

This is the situation: Your friend seems angry.

You wonder if they’re really angry or if you’re misreading them.

Should you say something to them? You have that internal dialogue of “No, it’s not a big deal.” “Maybe I’m just judging them.” “I feel like I should really say something.”

In these moments, what do you do? How do you share something that could be corrective? And how do you do it graciously?

Just so we’re on the same page, in a previous post we defined correction like this. Correction is when someone shares a thought or question related to a statement, action, or attitude that was potentially sinful, unhelpful or unwise.

Galatians 6:1-2 says “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

I love these verses. Your friend is caught. You have the ability to help. When you do help, do it gently. You are helping to restore them to a vibrant walk with God. And watch out, don’t get proud as though you do not have the potential to sin in similar ways—watch yourself that you don’t get tempted as well.

Then there is a great command: Carry each others burdens. We have a command from God to carry each others burdens. Which means, at times, that we bear burdens by sharing correction.

How do we do this? If a friend is caught in a sin, we do everything we can to gently restore. In other words, we gently correct. Did you know you signed up for this when you were called by Christ? Jesus has enlisted you in taking care of his people. You really are your brothers’ and sisters’ keeper. You should be correcting your friends and carrying their burdens. It’s grace to them.

So how do you gently correct? Well, I can’t say that I am an expert in this—I have made plenty of mistakes. I have learned a lot about what not to do. I have also picked up how to correct from wiser and godlier men like C.J. Mahaney, Kenneth Maresco (who has been my mentor for many years) and Bob Kauflin (who leads worship at my church).

This is some of what I have learned. If you see something you think you should share with a friend that is corrective, start by asking your own heart some questions. You may not be objective in this especially when something has been done against you personally.

These are some questions I have found helpful:

1. Am I sharing my thought with them because I am personally offended or personally irritated?

2. Am I sharing my thought with them out of self-righteous judgment? This is especially applicable to issues of preference and issues of conscience.

3.Am I sharing my thought out of impatience because I am tired of the way it affects me or others?

4. Am I coming with conclusions or questions? (Read Chapter 10 of Charity and its Fruits by Jonathan Edwards if you want to read more about this.)

If you find sin in your own heart as you answer these questions, then repent before you share any corrective thought.

[One side note: Don’t believe the lie that if you’re sinning in your heart you’re disqualified from sharing what you have to say. If you waited until you were not self-righteous, impatient, or personally offended by the other person’s sin before you correct them you’d be waiting a long time.]

Here are other questions to ask: Is the issue a pattern? And how well do you know the person?

I think it’s a general point of wisdom that we should share thoughts with people if the issue is a pattern, not just a one time thing. Now, this could be different if you are very close friends and there is a level of trust in the relationship that can handle it. I know that there are a few friends I have who I have enlisted to help me battle my sins and I have told them very clearly, “I want you to share all your thoughts about me and my marriage and my parenting.” I don’t want them to wait for patterns. But I have a deep relationship with these men and they know me, my sin patterns, and the idols of my heart very well.

Another issue of wisdom is to be careful sharing thoughts with people you don’t know. If you don’t have a friendship with the person, then it is probably not wise to share corrective thoughts with them. Trust God that they have people in their life to help them. However, when you become a member of a local church, you are committing your life to caring for and encouraging that community of believers. This means that there may be times when God calls you to correct somebody you don’t know very well. I think these instances may arise if the person’s sin is very pronounced and public.

It is so important to remind yourself of your role and God’s role before you share any corrective thought. You are not the Holy Spirit and you cannot bring conviction. That is the Holy Spirit’s role. Your role is to share something with a friend that they may not be aware of. Your role is not to convince the person of your perspective. Your role is to share your perspective, ask some questions and then follow up later after the person is able to think and pray about it. Don’t think that you have to spend hours in conversation trying to prove your perspective to the person. Just share and follow up later.

If you are sharing with a person and it’s pretty obvious that they don’t like what you are saying, it may be good to ask if the person is tempted. If they are, then pick up the conversation at another time. Be patient. And don’t share thoughts and correction in the midst of conflict. That never ends well and usually the makes the conflict worse. Share your thoughts later (especially if you are married and in a conflict with your spouse). Save it for later.

Okay, so after you have done the heart work we talked about in part 1, how do you initiate a corrective conversation with a friend? Pretty simple.

The best place to begin is to ask a question. Say something like, “Hey can I ask you a question?” Or “Hey can I share a thought with you from the last time we met?”

I know sometimes people can say something like “Can I share an observation with you?” I think this is fine to but sometimes I know that can really tempt people because it sounds like you’re coming with conclusions instead of questions. I’m not saying it’s wrong, it’s not. It all depends on how you say it and who you say it to.

Language is not a huge deal but I think you want to use language that communicates that you genuinely have questions—not that you’re coming with conclusions. This really serves the person you are talking to and I think it alleviates temptation. Remember you are serving them. So do whatever it takes to serve them.

Sometimes, in the conversation, it helps to check-in and ask, “Is anything I’m asking or saying ringing true at all?” If they say yes, then go down that road with them a bit. Don’t have an agenda in the conversation. In other words, don’t get into it thinking, “I got prove to them that what they said was selfish.” You most likely don’t know what the issue of the heart is. You need to discover it together and then help them with it.

After you have initiated the time, make sure you ask tons of questions instead of monologuing for 20 minutes about their sin. They need your questions. At the end of the conversation thank them for listening. That is grace in their life. And then if you have time just ask them if they were tempted in anyway by the conversation. Ask them if they were tempted by any words you used or any tone or body language. Tone and body language are very important. They can communicate something that you do not intend.
Especially your face.

Finally, ask them if they would like you to follow up. If they say no, then respect what they say. (And if they say yes, remember to follow up.)

I hope this helps. I have made tons of mistakes in this, but the more I try to care for my brothers and sisters and bear their burdens the more I am convinced that this is good, needed, and God glorifying. Your local churches will become stronger as you bear each others burdens.

lj - 3/12/07

Another classic from Peacemaker Ministries:

Can the Church be a Peacemaking Forum?

To tempt you with just a smidgen from it:

"Some will say that the typical church today doesn’t have the resources to provide this level of care for its members. We don’t believe that this is a legitimate excuse. At the foundation of our conviction is Christ’s promise that his church would be built and the gates of Hell could not and would not prevail against it. Do you believe this is true of the church? Is the body of Christ that strong? If it is, then this excuse is not credible. One of the most common and frequent accusations brought by unbelievers against the church today is the charge of hypocrisy. Is the church ready to prove the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit by truly being the body of Christ—by exercising Christ-like authority to resolve conflicts and disputes among her own members?"

Hope you enjoy!

(And hope I make it home tonight. I’m in my first of three airports for the day and the snow always makes air travel iffy. Here’s hoping!)

(Oh! And hi Tennessee! Thanks for the wonderful weekend.)

Blessings!
– Tara B.

If you haven’t yet read this classic from Peacemaker Ministries, please take a moment and click on over:

"Daddy? Is that you?"

I remember way back in law school (EONS ago!) when I first read The Peacemaker and started their conciliator training program. Oh man! The stories and testimonies Ken could share. He can be quite the crier too.

Anyway–hope you enjoy and are edified as you head into your weekend!

May we make every effort to pursue peace this day and always.

Yours,
Tara B.

From my iGoogle “C.S. Lewis Quote of the Day”:

"Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment."

Too true.
Way way too true.

I am continuing to slowly work through Bonhoeffer’s “Life Together” and this morning’s reading brought another level of “hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” to my heart and mind.

(Oh–and by the way–I just can’t even IMAGINE being able to think so clearly and articulate so persuasively with such intelligent, forceful, and perfectly appropriate words. Truly, this man–who didn’t live to see 40 before the Nazis executed him!–was uniquely gifted by God.)

Here is just an excerpt (I was SO tempted to keep typing and give you paragraph after paragraph ... but really, I just encourage you to buy the book):

"On innumerable occasions a whole Christian community has been shattered because it has lived on the basis of a wishful image. Certainly serious Christians who are put in a community for the first time will often bring with them a very definite image of what Christian communal life should be, and they will be anxious to realize it. But God’s grace quickly frustrates all such dreams. A great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves, is bound to overwhelm us as surely as God desires to lead us to an understanding of genuine Christian community. By sheer grace God will not permit us to live in a dream world for even a few weeks and to abandon ourselves to those blissful experiences and exalted moods that sweep over us like a wave of rapture. For God is not a God of emotionalism, but the God of truth. Only that community which enters into the experience of this great disillusionment with all its unpleasant and evil appearances begins to be what it should be in God’s sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise that is given to it.

The sooner this moment of disillusionment comes over the individual and the community, the better for both ... Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest, and sacrificial."

Do you ever respect and care for certain people ... but, for whatever reason, find that you don’t really “click” with them?

I can think of a few of these people in my life.

We’ve never had a conflict. I don’t have any distinctly negative thoughts or feelings about them. But every time we interact, it’s very much like oil and water. We just don’t mix. We don’t get each other.

This used to really bother me. I wanted to get along with everyone! Somehow I thought that “Christian fellowship” and “love” meant that every personality, every communication style, every quirk & maturity & immaturity would fit together well.

But now I don’t think that anymore.

Yes, I am absolutely convinced that we are to strive for the peace and unity of the Body.

Yes, we are definitely called to love one another; speak well of one another; “accept one another just as Christ accepts [us].”

But now I feel so much more comfortable just acknowledging, “Wow. I really don’t get her.” Or, “Hmmmmmmm ... I really appreciate all he does for the church and I know he cares about me ... but MAN! We are just NOT a good fit communication/style/personality-wise.”

And then I absolutely KNOW that there are going to be lots and lots of people who DO get them and find them astoundingly EASY to relate with and just a JOY to be around. (And those people are PROBABLY going to be the ones who find that I’m just a little strange and, though they genuinely care about me, find it hard to “click” with ME.)

It is just a fact of life that we are going to relate with different people in different ways. We will be attracted to certain personalities and called to persevere with others.

Such is the Christian life.

We don’t have to write them off, disrespect them, or say they have some sort of flaw. Rather, we can give a little chuckle, thank God for them, and not worry about it.

That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.

May God give us the grace to love well!

Here’s to a happy Tuesday–

With joy,
Tara B.

I just saw that Tim Challies has stopped by Pastor JollyBlogger’s blog today to promote his new book, The Discipline of Discernment. I guess the blogs that have Tim stopping by get to pose him a question and then post his answer on their blogs. Then he checks the comments during the day and interacts accordingly.

Here is Pastor JollyBlogger’s question for Tim:

In our denomination we ask those seeking to join our church to take five vows, the last of which reads: Do you submit yourselves to the government and discipline of the Church, and promise to study its purity and peace?

As discernment is a discipline most often associated with protecting the purity of the church, how might this discipline be used to protect the peace of the church?

Don’t you want to read Tim’s reply?

Check it out at: Tim Challies Stops By On His Blog Tour

I am (finally!) reading slowly through Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together.

Of course, just about every paragraph contains something to stop and ponder over. But tonight I wanted to share just one brief excerpt with the hope that it will encourage you to read this great book too:

"Self-centeredness always insinuates itself in any process of intellectual or spiritual selectivity, destroying the spiritual power of the community and robbing the community of its effectiveness for the church ... The exclusion of the weak and insignificant, the seemingly useless people, from everyday Christian life in community may actually mean the exclusion of Christ; for in the poor sister or brother, Christ is knocking at the door. We must, therefore, be very careful on this point."

(Convicting, eh?!)

May God give us grace to turn away from self-centeredness and exclusivity!

G'nite and God bless–

Yours,
Tara B.

You may recall that I shared that our daughter, Sophia, was struggling with having an ugly, unloving heart toward one of her dearest friends. As friends and parents, we were beginning to pick up on little words, attitudes, actions between the two girls and we were prayerfully concerned and looking for appropriate ways to help them.

For our family the situation really came to light after church one Sunday when Sophia just told quite matter of factly that “she did NOT like ”Mary" any more." She was firm in her conviction and her tone was angry/hurt/offended.

So we began to pray with her and draw out from her more information as to what had happened between her and “Mary.” Had there been a conflict? An offense? Did someone need to confess something? What steps could we take to address this?

She was NOT INTERESTED. In her little three year old mind “Mary” was the problem, so “Mary” just needed to GO AWAY and STAY AWAY. Period.

So then we had to call her back to the high view of the Church! “Mary” is a member of our church. We are a member of HER church. We are ONE FAMILY in our local church. And there is simply NO OPTION of not loving our brothers and sisters in the Church. It is our DUTY to love them, pray for them, bless them, help them. We made a vow to them and it is our solemn vow, our duty.

We counseled her: “Sophie, God is calling you to REPENT of your ugly heart toward ”Mary" and pray that He will give you a new, clean, loving heart toward her. But no matter how you FEEL, you are called by God to do good to her, pray for her, bless her, love her. And we are going to come alongside of you and help you to do that. We will! We will all help you both."

Later that night, I called the other mom to give her heads-up and ask her to pray. She immediately said, “I’ll pray!” AND ... “Let’s have a playdate!”

A few days later, Sophie went over to their home and things went pretty well. There was a brief altercation related to Mr. Potato Head but Soph went and asked the grownup for help and they found a work-it-out solution, so that was no biggie.

Then, later on when they were making pies, totally out of the blue, Sophie said to my friend, “You know, sometimes I don’t have very loving feelings in my heart toward your daughter, ”Mary."

And my (brilliant! godly! wise! mature! LOVING!) friend replied:

"Yeah. That’s really normal to feel that way, Soph. We all feel that way at various times ... ESPECIALLY when it’s a really close friend. Sometimes relationships are hard. It’s normal.

But what we want YOU to hear from us is that WE LOVE YOU. And we are HERE for you. And we are NOT going ANYWHERE. We will always be your friends, Sophie."

Then Sophie responded with a quiet, “Thank you. But if it’s OK, I think I’d like to be done talking about this right now.” "NO PROBLEM" says my friend. “Let’s finish this pie!”

Grace Grace Grace!

You know ... I am just SO grateful to be raising Sophia around other moms who view parenting as all of us striving to encourage our children to lay hold of Christ and worship Him above all else; and then good/wise decisions will emanate out as they grow in grace; that’s parenting is NOT a competition ... and that my daughter’s struggle with sin is NOT a criticism of her daughter NOR is it an opportunity to reject my daughter. It’s just a reminder for us ALL that what we really need is Christ.

Grace Grace Grace!

And here’s the “rest of the story” ... today Sophie was holding her little hand-painted ornament from co-op that has a space for a photo. When I asked her whose photo she would like to put in the frame, she asked for one of “her and HER FRIEND, MARY”.

Grace abounds!
I really am a grace junkie.

But now I’m an exhausted grace junkie–I think I’m starting to blur things, so I’m going to sign off for now.

Blessings on your Saturday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Not to become a clearinghouse of Christian conciliation cases or anything ...

(So if I get too many emails after this post, I’m going to bring it down.)

But I know two very gifted Christian conciliators who need a couple of FORMAL mediation or arbitration cases in order to earn their Certification with the Institute for Christian Conciliation, a division of Peacemaker Ministries ...

So if you happen to know of some Christians in a conflict who maybe can’t afford the standard fees for a formal mediation/arbitration case–but who COULD afford the expenses associated with coming to Billings, Montana and who could afford a (very!) reduced fee, I would like to introduce the people you know (who are in a conflict) to these conciliators that I know (who are qualified and eager to help).

No promises, of course. Everyone involved (including their local church leaders) would still need to make a wisdom decision as to whether they would be appropriate conciliators for the specific conflicts.

But this I can state with absolute assurance: I know that these two people would never accept a case unless they truly believed that they could serve God and serve the parties well.

I trust these conciliators with my life. They have helped me with a serious conflict–so I can personally attest to their giftedness as mediators–and I have enough regular contact with them to say that beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are wise, loving, God-centered, and truly gifted peacemakers.

They’re just having a bit of a challenge getting formal case hours because they’re SO busy DOING peacemaking in their local church that they just haven’t had as many formal case opportunities.

So please keep this post in mind–and drop me an email if you know of some Christians who need help.

Oh–actually ... FIRST, could you please ask them to read the "Get Help with a Conflict" section of the Peacemaker Ministries website? Although these conciliators do not work for Peacemaker Ministries and they would not be representing Peacemaker Ministries in ANY capacity ... they (and I) only provide conciliation services in a manner consistent with the Peacemaker Ministries Rules of Procedure for Christian conciliation, so that would be a good place for our dialogue to start.

OK ... back to work for me. Hope this helps some Christians who are in a conflict AND these dear mediators too.

Love ya and God bless,
Tara B.

SO funny (humbling) ...

OF COURSE as soon as I post my whining post, immediately friend after friend comes to mind:

- KG taking Sophie (on top of a HOUSE FULL of her own kids!) so I could hide out in her basement for an hour and finish something on the dvd project with a hard deadline.

- SP opening her heart and her home to us over and over again ... I can’t even tell you what this woman has meant to me.

- KV talking / listening / crying / brainstorming / LAUGHING LAUGHING LAUGHING (really laughing a lot!!) with me over and over again.

- Praying with KG & KV & PM & AD each week. Really. They have been such faithful encouragers. (See! What an inaccurate whiner I was in my previous post.)

I’m sure I could go on and on.

Isn’t it WEIRD how our FEELINGS can swing and change and be so stinkin' inaccurate at times?
I’m so grateful for repentance and forgiveness!

(Oh–and I’m sure that my hormone swing back up is helping too! I’m either definitely getting my period OR I’m pregnant again ... remember the last pregnancy I SWORE my period was coming during the second day of taping for the video series but then nothing after a bit in the morning and that positive pregnancy test the next day. But I’m really thinking it’s the former this time.)

ANYWAY ...

We’re off to bedtime routine after I box up some orders for you Missouri gals.

G'nite & God bless,
Tara B.

(From December 2006 ... I can’t IMAGINE a better thing to listen to as we head into the holidays ... especially re: comparisons/competitions/relationships.)

Wanting to be Her (Annmarie Hamling’s message at our church’s Christmas brunch)

If you don’t already subscribe to the free e-publications from Peacemaker Ministries, I encourage you to sign up today!

(And not just because my cutie-bear husband oversees them!)

Today’s enews was the best issue to date–and if you didn’t already read it, I hope you’ll sign up today!

Peacemaker Ministries NEVER gives your email address to ANYONE. Ever.
(So you don’t have to afraid of SPAM. Blech.)

And no, I don’t get any kind of referral fee or anything ... I just really think you’ll be blessed.



Happy, Blessed Tuesday to you!

Love,
Tara B.

I answered an interesting question over at PeaceGals and thought that some of you (OH PRETTY PLEASE!!) might like to chime in too.

The topic is basically “What is it like to be a Christian peacemaker?” ... so even if you don’t FORMALLY work in “Christian conciliation” (really–there are VERY VERY FEW people who do “full time”), would you please share your thoughts with this young lady?

Thanks, all!

Yours,
Tara B.

—–

Welcome Kwaite! I’m excited to meet you and learn of your interest in Christian conciliation.

I’m going to do my best to answer your questions, but I also wanted to start out by saying that I truly believe that all Christians are called to be peacemakers. (“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God.”) So to a certain extent, even if you end up being some super-duper great corporate lawyer or criminal defense attorney or whatever, I do pray that you will always be growing as a peacemaker too.

AND … no matter what “career path” you choose, I would encourage you to consider how, as an attorney, you might have a SPECIAL opportunity to serve as a Christian conciliator in your family, church, community, and your chosen specialization (even if it ends up NOT being Christian conciliation “full time”).

The truth is that if you are a woman after God’s own heart; if you love His Word and His Bride; if you are spiritually mature and you live for God’s glory in eternity to come … you are going to be doing “this ministry” whether you are “officially” doing something else or not.

Really? We’re just talking about living out the gospel!

But I do want to answer your specific questions too, so here goes …

Thanks again for writing!

Your sister in Christ,
Tara B.

1) In what way do you find the work interesting? Fulfilling?

It is ALWAYS interesting and fulfilling to serve God. We can be working at Target or running a multi-billion-dollar corporation or translating the Bible in a shack in a jungle or driving our kids to a playdate. To paraphrase (or is this a quote?) John Piper, we are most fulfilled when God is most glorified. Our happiness and His glory intersect. (So, although we do NOT glorify God because it makes us happy–we glorify God because He is God!—we are most happy/blessed when God is most glorified.)

In particular related to Christian conciliation, however, I would say that I find it particularly interesting because:

1. Christian conciliators have the privilege of dealing with the HEART (the “root” Jesus says) of the matter IN ADDITION to the material/substantive issues. And because the root of destructive human conflict is tied to matters of WORSHIP (James 4:1-3), we have the amazing privilege of pointing people to God in right worship (and thus, turning to the Word AND working with their churches) … so we are (to the best of our abilities) lay “theologians” and lay biblical counselors IN ADDITION to dealing with technical material issues. It is incredibly hard work and never boring.

2. Christian conciliators serve in a never-ending variety of cases. Intellectual property disputes, criminal cases, employment disputes, marriage/family/divorce/child custody … if you serve very long in Christian conciliation, you’ll probably begin to see a wide gamut of cases. Therefore, you are always learning BUT (unless you specialize in a certain area), because you are not serving as the ADVOCATE, you don’t have to stay up on every single current jot and tittle of local/state/federal law (that is the job of the attorneys involved in the cases).

3. Christian conciliators get to play a tiny part in the HUGE work that God is doing—and it is ALWAYS amazing and astounding to see God work. It’s like a tiny glimpse of eternity! We confess that God is real and alive and active and moving … but then, in the ministry of biblical peacemaking, we get to SEE IT. I mean—really truly see God at WORK in the hearts of His children. What an honor. What a joy.

2) What do you find most surprising about your job and this field?

How apathetic most Christians are regarding the importance of biblical peacemaking. Our relationships are THE WAY that “the worlds will see that the Father sent the Son and the Father loves them” (John 17:20-23) … our LOVE for one another shows that we are the disciples of Jesus … but most of us are NEVER taught this at all and even if we are taught that it’s important, we are never TAUGHT or HELPED to actually live it out/obey. Our seminary professors, Bible college professors, pastors, other ordained leaders, lay leaders, biblical counselors don’t know … so of course the sheep don’t know … and so our relationships look just like the WORLD. (Well, actually, WORSE than the world, usually … because we Christians can be so graceless and critical and proud!)

It doesn’t surprise me any more, but it did at first. And it still does make me very sad. (And motivated to keep trying to serve and encourage responsive obedience and faith and intimacy with God in whatever little sphere of influence God grants me with each day.)

3) What did you wish you had known about this job before you started?

I wish I could’ve talked heart-to-heart with other Christian conciliators who were really doing this work and ministry especially regarding:

1. How great my weaknesses were (my need for further growth in grace, wisdom, and maturity!) and also how much more I needed to learn regarding biblical counseling and ecclesiastical authority.

2. How important THE CHURCH is to this ministry: my own church (for oversight and counsel and help) and the churches of the conciliation clients I serve (because Christian conciliators only have a VERY LIMITED ROLE in the lives of clients, but the LOCAL CHURCH is where lasting change happens).

3. Whether Christian Conciliation could be a Solvent Business Model. (That link is to a previous blog I did on that topic.)

4) If you had to do things over, would you choose the same career path?

Absolutely. But I didn’t really pick this career path—I honestly didn’t. I never even thought about going to law school until after I had already GRADUATED from undergrad. (I started out in piano performance and ended up with a degree in psychology.) All during law school, I had no idea why I was there (except to meet Fred, of course! Day two of grad school! Ahhhhhhh … that was worth even that pesky ol’ Bar Exam!) So thank God for Christian Legal Society where I picked up the first edition of The Peacemaker … but really I was just SO convicted because I really AM the worst worst worst at relationships (even worse than cooking). But God gives us more grace!

(So just to be clear … I didn’t really “choose” this path. I’m just ol’ Tara. Along for the ride. One day at a time.)

5) What type of person would not be a good fit for this job?

- Spiritually immature: low view of God, His Word, and His Bride

- Worldly: motivated by financial gain, prestige, “success”

- Proud: high view of self (education, skills, gifts) and unwilling to receive counsel; overlooks her own weaknesses (while criticizing weaknesses in others)

- Unskilled regarding the application of Scripture to the HEART

6) What abilities and characteristics are needed to succeed in this field?

- Spiritually mature: lover of God, saturated in Scripture, high view of the Church

- Eternal perspective: motivated by the things that will REALLY last (Heaven!); missionary mindset regarding possessions, house/cars/clothing/jewelry; willing to take the lowest seat and serve in secret; viewing “success” as FAITHFUL OBEDIENCE (rather than temporal results)

- Humble: never draws attention to herself; uses gifts, skills, and education to draw people out and serve/encourage/bless them; TEACHABLE—willing to see her weaknesses and sins in light of the gospel and REPENT; GRACIOUS … quick to overlook and forgive others (while having an accurate view of her own “areas in need of further sanctification”)

- A student of all things CCEF (the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation) so that she can counsel Scripture to the HEART (rather than just calling people to GOOD WORKS or using secular, Man-centered, felt-need disease models of “Christian counseling” that are Christ-less and Cross-less)

I was reviewing my sermon notes from last Sunday when Pastor Andy Selle preached a powerful sermon from Revelation 21 and I just HAD to mention just one quote from the very end of his sermon ...

(He was reminding us of how the Heavenly Order has broken into and IS breaking into the TURMOIL of life and ONE DAY The Bride will be ready and we will see our fellow Believers in That Light ... so we can be HONEST SINNERS NOW without any pretension or disillusionment ...)

"And on that Great Day–when the worlds BURN ... our words of forgiveness, love, kindness, forbearing, dying to self ... will shine RESPLENDENT LIKE DIAMONDS. On that Good Day."

Oh, oh, oh!

Preach it Dr. Selle!
And be glorified, we pray, dear Lord!

Be glorified in us this very day–by the power of Your Holy Spirit
In accordance with Your Word.

Even now as we prepare to gather tomorrow in corporate worship on Your Sabbath
(the very VERY best day of the week).

Amen & Amen

And g'nite all,
Tara B.

What a wonderful sermon we heard tonight from Pastor Selle! He preached on “Unity Not Division” and used Philippians 1:27-2:11 as his text.

I took four pages of notes–but it’s 10:20PM (and I’m just now getting back to my hotel room) AND our team meets tomorrow at 6:45AM (that’s 4:45 for my poor ol' Mountain Time Zone body if anyone is keeping track ) ... so I have to keep this brief ...

But I wanted to mention just a few things from his message:

- If you look at this passage, you’ll see four solid foundation stones that are all preceded by “in CHRIST” ... and this four-fold appeal leads to a four-fold result. (I’d type out all four appeals and four results–but why not grab your Bible and check 'em out for yourself!?!) I had never seen that relation before.

- When he talked about “tenderness and compassion,” Pastor Selle put up a slide of a photo of him holding his firstborn child. OH MY STARS. What an sweet reminder and reflection of our Heavenly Father’s love! I cried.

- One example he used was the picture of men in a WAR ... having trained together, suffered together, now they’re in the battle ... bullets are flying, their comrades are being cut down all around them by the enemy, they are fighting for their lives, their cause, each other ... and in the MIDDLE of THAT scene, they get into an argument over CARS. ("Hondas are the BEST!" “I don’t know–I love my FORD.” "You don’t know what you’re talking about ... I only drive TOYOTAS." etc. etc.) How ludicrous! Ridiculous! But then he exhorted us that, as Believers in Christ, in comparison to all we share in CHRIST ... many arguments that we have are on that same level. (I gasped because, OF COURSE, I saw myself in his example. How right he is!)

- He reminded us that the TRUTH is that we ARE united in Christ. It’s a fact. (Sophie and I would say a “fait accompli!”) ... but now, as we grow in grace, and as the gospel becomes the very AIR WE BREATHE around us ... we grow to WALK united in Christ. (Did you get that? We already ARE united in Christ. Now we are growing to WALK united in Christ. Isn’t that TOTALLY the “already but not yet” of the gospel that we’re always talking about around here?!?)

- This passage (in Philippians) has NO VERBS in talking about humility and vainglory. So you could translate it: “NO SELFISH AMBITION!” "NO VAIN CONCEIT!" ... so strong is the statement.

- One real-life story he gave had to do with a father and adult son, both members of the same church, both USHERS in the same church, who had a falling out AND DIDN’T SPEAK FOR THREE YEARS. Picture it! “Welcome to our church. Please sit here. Do you need a bulletin?” In two different aisles. Not acknowledging each other–refusing to SPEAK to each other–AND ALL THE MEMBERS KNOWING IT. (!!) I gasped again. And I thought to myself (through my tears), “THANK GOD that if that were ME (and I knew it could be!) and I was REFUSING to be reconciled to my brother or sister in Christ THERE IS JUST NO WAY that my fellow members MORE OR LESS MY LEADERS would EVER leave me (or the other person) trapped (caught! Galatians 6!) in such sin. They would love me enough to come after me (with the crook of their staff if necessary!) to RESCUE ME.” Thank God! Thank God!

- Last point and then I must try to wind down and get a bit of sleep ... Pastor Selle also challenged us to prayerfully consider if/when there were times that we were “so right” (in our own minds at least) that we were “wrong.” (I.e., “You’re so right that you’re wrong.”) When do we give in to such graceless and faithless and LOVELESS self-centeredness that we say, “I don’t need the rest of the Body! I’m right. I don’t need you.” Oh oh oh!

So convicting!

(NOT condemning.)

Why not condemning? Because of course he reminded us over and over (and OVER) again that Christ humbled Himself and became obedient to death, even the shameful and painful death of the Cross ... FOR US. For you. For me.

Oh, that THIS message will never be dull to us!
Christ saves sinners.
This is my boast. My only, ONLY boast.

Amen?
Amen!

G'nite my friends and God bless you–

With love,
Tara B.

PS
I think this has only happened one other time for me (years ago at a retreat in Alaska) ... I have completely and utterly LOST MY VOICE. Total laryngitis. I remember in Alaska that on Friday night I crossed out “Speaker” on my name tag and wrote “Croaker” ... and then Saturday morning I wrote “Whisperer” ... and by Saturday night, the ship and sunk and I had absolutely NOTHIN'. Well ... thank God I was OK for the seminar yesterday and two classes this morning ... but I have nothing voice-wise and the schedule is full in the week ahead. So again–I hope I’m not being too much of a pain to ask you for so much, but any prayers you could throw my way would be, as always, appreciated.

PPS
I am SO loving getting to know these brothers and sisters in Christ! WHAT an edifying time it is to spend time with them. Seriously! Won’t it be great to be together as One Body in Heaven one day? I am grateful that this life is short and eternity is so very, very long. Thanks again for your prayers! – tkb

What a joy it was to meet with the leadership of this church last night–and then to serve as one member of a team of four instructors presenting The Peacemaker Seminar today!

It has been a long time since I’ve had the joy of spending six hours on the foundational peacemaking material–and is always the case when I get to receive biblical teaching from wise Christians ... I was encouraged, convicted, challenged, and comforted by the gospel.

(As an aside ... what a privilege it is to have the freedom to gather & pray and open God’s Word–with an abundance of Bibles in the room and no fear of imprisonment or death. Such luxury. Such luxury. Most Christians in the world can’t even imagine it.)

ANYWAY ... I thought you might enjoy just a handful of the guotes I wrote down from the day:

- To dwell there above with the saints whom we love–that will be glory! To dwell here below with the saints whom we know? THAT’S another story!

- If we both agree all the time, then one of us is unnecessary.

- A moment of frustration and anger becomes a moment of MINISTRY.

- Making us holy is God’s unending agenda. (I think that’s a Tripp & Lane quote.)

- We have a great opportunity: Stop thinking about OUR agenda and start thinking about GOD’S agenda!

- Where will you be in 3 years? 15 years? 50 years? 150 years? Pray for the grace to look back on THIS CONFLICT and be able to say, “My preeminent concern was love for God and neighbor.”

- Each one of us is so much more complex than we appear on the outside.

- The last place a True Believer wants to be is outside of the Church.

Good stuff, eh?

I am a blessed woman to get to serve.

Please do pray for me if I flit through your heart tomorrow–I will teach two Sunday school classes and our week here striving to help these dear brothers and sisters in Christ will continue.

With love and thanks,
Tara B.

My notes are printed.
Bags are packed.

It’s late–but I’m going to pick up a bit and try to find a little order in our home before I take off in a few hours. (It’s a good thing that my mother-in-law is so gracious! I know she won’t mind the piles and chaos.)

Thank you for praying! My writing projects were sent in AND my teaching notes are hot off our little printer.
(And we even got to enjoy a quick family trip to the park–Lilikoi and everything! Very fun.)

May God be glorified in all we do and say–

Thanks again for all of your encouragement!

With love,
Tara B.

I am REALLY enjoying going through the Peacemaker Small Group Study each Tuesday night.

Ken’s teaching is FANTASTIC! Absolutely the opposite of my (probably TOO extemporaneous!) off-the-cuff teaching style ... he is the consummate lawyer AND engineer (ordered, careful, logical, no wasted words, doesn’t miss a point) ... but he has grace & charm & humility too.

The videos are short and the study guides lend themselves to “real” conversation afterwards.
Really–they are just great! I hope you’ll check them out.

Last night I was particularly struck by how the new edition of The Peacemaker adds in a level to the progression of an idol. (I’m thinking I should alter my teaching notes to add it in.)

Can you spot the addition?

1. A desire ("I want ...") is elevated to

2. A demand ("I will have ..."). The demand puts

3. Expectations on others ("Therefore, you’d better ..."). The expectations are not met, and so we

4. Sinfully judge others ("I would NEVER do that!" “How COULD she?!” "He INTENTIONALLY meant to hurt me ..."). We condemn people in our hearts and with our words and then we

5. Punish them. We sacrifice people on the altar of our idols.

Ooooooh. We were all cringing a bit (a lot!) last night as we saw our hearts.

BUT ... we were also REJOICING together because God has made a way for us to be rescued from ourselves! He has given us a way out and He gives us a way out every moment of every day ... through Jesus Christ, we can be forgiven.

"If You, O Lord, kept a record of sins, who could stand? But with You there is forgiveness!" Psalm 130:3-4

Amen & Amen!
Thank You, God, for sending Jesus to live the life we could never live.
To die the shameful and painful death WE deserve.

We love You, Lord!

Your grateful sheep,
Tara B.

Quick post from the Salt Lake City WorldClub ... I’m hoping that typing this out will release some of the adrenaline that is COURSING through my body!!

Because I just spent pretty much an entire one hour flight sitting next to a FURIOUS woman!!!

Yes, yes ... it really was MY fault because:

I spilled a little WATER on her!

Aaaaaaaaaauuuuuurrrrrrrrrrgggggggggh!

Ten years of flying frequently enough to have premier status on one airline or another (and sometimes more than one even at the same time) and I have NEVER done this before!!!

(I’ve had LOTS of spills on ME, of course. Cold, hot, STICKY–yup. You bet. But I’ve never spilled on someone else.)

It was TOTALLY my fault! And I felt SO BAD about it! I said repeatedly, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I feel terrible. I wish that hadn’t happened. I’m so sorry.”

But polished, “together” businesswoman only grew angrier as the flight went on.
(And this was a LITTLE water–not like an entire glass or bottle or something.)

It was a stressful hour–I could FEEL her anger (especially when she spoke to me!) ... but there was just absolutely NOTHING I could do about what had happened other than apologize.

Aurgh. Life in a fallen world, eh?
I’m just hoping she’s not going to New Mexico in a couple of hours!
If I see her in 8D (I have 8C) again, I’ll just FREAK.
(Well, maybe only a little.)

OK–back to work.
Here’s a little game I play when I’m on the road ...

How much work can I get done in airports and on flights so that I DON’T have to do those tasks when I am HOME?

Love ya! and God bless,
Tara B.

PS
And yes, I know my own teaching on “idols of the heart” and “the three trees.” And yes, I know that the “real problem” was her angry heart and how I DIDN’T cause that no matter how much it feels like I did. But still ... if I hadn’t spilled that water she wouldn’t have had any “heat” on her to bring out the bad fruit. Argh! I wish it hadn’t happened. Must be more careful, Tara. Let’s not have this happen again for another ten years!"

I don’t think I’ve linked to this article in awhile ... but having just recommended it to some people in conflict, I thought I’d bring it to your attention as well:

Polemic Theology: What Do I Owe the Person Who Differs From Me? (by Roger Nicole)

It is an excellent article–worthy of re-reading and keeping on file too.

Hope you’re all enjoying a lovely Thursday! I just sorted out Sophie’s barrette & hair poof & rubberband drawer, so OF COURSE, I’m in a happy place.

!!

Love to all,
Tara B.

One of the most amazing testimonies I heard last weekend at the Peacemaker Conference was from a young woman who had been estranged from her parents for over nine years.

She had read an online article on “idols of the heart”, was blessed by it, and forwarded it on to her father. He, in turn, looked up the author and ended up at the Peacemaker Ministries website. After learning about Christian conciliation, they then hired a mediator to help them with their conflicts.

(This is one of my favorite parts of the story!) ... The mediator was BRAND NEW to the ministry of Christian conciliation. He was a pastor and a missionary, but he had JUST enrolled in the Peacemaker Ministries Certification Program for conciliators. (This is the program that I used to oversee. Candidates who complete the program earn the designation Certified Christian Conciliator with the Institute for Christian Conciliation, a division of Peacemaker Ministries. I can tell you that it’s a LOT harder for me to maintain my certification with Peacemaker Ministries than it is for me to maintain my license to practice LAW!)

ANYWAY ... this was the mediators FIRST CASE EVER ... sitting at the parents' kitchen table; together for the first time in YEARS. The daughter told me last weekend that this newbie conciliator; just trying his best; not a lot of experience behind him; just trying to live out the gospel and help these dear fellow, ESTRANGED, Christians ... she told me:

"It was like having Jesus sitting at the table, helping us. He was the face of Christ to us–loving us, confronting us, encouraging us, reminding us of the gospel, pointing us to God. It was amazing."

Isn’t that encouraging?!

We don’t have to be experts! 1 Corinthians 6:4 reminds us:

"Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church!"

Did the mediator do a PERFECT job? Of course not.
Were nine years of hurt “healed” in just a few hours? No. There have been many follow-up meetings/mediations too.
Are all of the relationships completely restored? Not yet–but trust is growing. Love is deepening. There is hope!

And I say in response: Jesus is alive!
Amen & Amen!

(Oh–and if you are the young woman and you are reading this–would you PLEASE email me or Peacemaker Ministries if you are willing to share your testimony more broadly? When I told Fred about how God was moving in your family he was very encouraged and he’d like to ask for your permission to share your testimony in the Peacemaker Magazine or in an enews publication.)

OK, friends! Off into our days!

Love ya,
t

PS
This post reminds me of Sophie’s favorite hymn to sing these days:

To God be the glory–great things He hath done!
So loved He the world that He gave us His Son
Who yielded His life an atonement for sin!
And opened the lifegate that all may go in

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!
Let the earth hear His voice.

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!
Let the people rejoice.

O, come to the Father through Jesus the Son!
And give Him the glory great things He hath done.

We were all tremendously blessed by Randy Alcorn’s plenary Friday evening at The Peacemaker Conference.

He spoke on many passages of Scripture and humbly, gently reminded us all of our calling to live in “complete unity” (John 17) and “love each other” (John 13) as brothers and sisters in Christ.

He then went on to share a specific case study of a time when a Christian man publicly (via a blog and email campaign) promoted lies and half-truths about two other Christian men. The tongue truly is a restless evil–and the damage caused by these acts of slander was profound.

What was amazing to me, however, was how Mr. Alcorn shared about the entire sad situation:

- He learned of this blog and email “campaign” and, in response, neither wrote it off entirely NOR believed it entirely

- Instead, he sought out the author to try to accurately understand what he was thinking and saying; and to make sure that the author (a pastor) was not being misrepresented; AND to see if he had even INVESTIGATED or TALKED TO the two men he was accusing so voraciously. (He had not.)

- Then, Mr. Alcorn contacted the two other Christian men (who were being accused on the blog and in the email) and asked if they were aware of what was going on. (They were–in particular because their businesses were beginning to receive threats, letters, boycotts, etc.) And he asked these men if they would be willing to speak with the pastor who had instigated it all. And they were.

- SO ... the men gathered to talk and listen and pray and seek to understand one another. It was a hard conversation! It was a series of hard conversations. But at the end, the pastor/blogger/email-sender-outer realized that he had been wrong (to not find out the facts in advance; to not approach his brothers one on one before escalating it to a public “campaign”; to presume the worse without knowing what was really going on, etc.) and he confessed and asked their forgiveness.

- Do you know what he was told in response? "We forgave you even before you asked for it, brother."

Now THAT is peacemaking!

Amen?
Amen!

So many things I take away from this teaching:

1. Check the facts. Don’t believe everything you hear or read. Don’t be so gullible. And PLEASE stop forwarding those emails!!

2. Don’t be quick to condemn. Christians can be so incredibly MEAN! But Oh! In light of the kindness we receive from God every single day–we should overflow with kindness, mercy, compassion, patience, GRACE.

3. Randy Alcorn said: “A world riddled with falsehood and gossip and slander and meanness will never be won to Christ by churches riddled with falsehood and gossip and slander and meanness.”

I’m running to the airport now–hooray! We’re heading home to Sophia Grace!! I miss her so so so so SO much!!

But I’ll close with this ...

My time at this Peacemaker Conference has truly been a delight.

I LOVED teaching with Pastor Jason our "Mediating the Miserable Christian Marriage Workshop"! What an HONOR to get to serve along side of such a man.

And I have been incredibly encouraged by the comments I’ve received after my "Biblical Hope for Women with Powerful Personalities Workshop". (The most common one I heard was, “I thought I was the only one who struggled like this!!” And the next most common one was, “Wow! I think these ideas are really going to help me to love the people around me better AND enjoy who God has made me to be ... to be myself ... WITH GRACE.”

Hooray! Hooray!

I could tell you story after story of God ministering to broken marriages; discouraged pastors; adult child-parent relationships.

BUT ... (scary music here) ...
I have also received some of the most graceless, gospel-less, and I think HARSHLY INACCURATE criticism I have ever received at ANY event. Ever. (And that’s saying something because, well, I’ve received a LOT of criticism over the years.)

Wanna hear what it was?

Although the majority of the feedback as positive (thank You, God!), two people in my “Peacemaking for Preschoolers” workshop ... having spent all of 60 minutes with me while I tried my best (very imperfectly I’m sure! But I did try!) ... having never observed Sophia and me together in any context felt that they had the right? duty? imperative? to give this feedback in LARGE LETTERS on their feedback form:

YOU DON’T LOVE YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I ask you ... are there a LOT of sins I struggle with? You bet.

Is the list LONG LONG LONG as to what I can be accused of EVERY SINGLE DAY and it will really be ACCURATE????

Yup.

But this was the first time anyone has EVER (implied, inferred, more or less stated in all caps underline bold) that I do not love Sophia Grace Barthel.

Initially, I was shocked. Then mad. Then hurt.
Now? I think I’m actually most sad for whoever wrote those comments.
And I’m praying for them.

And here’s an invitation to the person who wrote those words–just in case you ever visit this blog–since otherwise, I’ll never know who you were based on your anonymous feedback ...

Although I do not believe a public forum would be the appropriate place for a conversation, if you would ever like to expound on your statement that I don’t love my child; to help me to understand better your thoughts, concerns, judgment ... please email me privately and maybe we can set up a call with Fred and me and whoever else you’d like to participate. Because I know that all criticism–even harsh criticism–may have an element of truth in it. And of course I want to grow in grace to be the best mom I can be.

So I won’t get into any kind of “blog comment dialogue” with you ... but if you would like to share your thoughts more fully and help our family to grow in faith and godliness, please do let me know.

OK. Now I really must stop blogging and run out the door!

Next blog from Montana, maybe? (If we make all of our flights.)

Love love love!
– Tara B.

Oh! I just can’t do justice to Dr. Nakah’s sweet, painful retelling of the FURY that he and his (then-fiance, now-wife) experienced when they sought her parents' blessing on their engagement.

His wife was from a ROYAL TRIBE and he was, most decidedly, NOT.
In Africa, this was simply unacceptable. ("You don’t contaminate royal blood!!!!!")

Her mother looked her in the eyes and said, “If this marriage happens, it will be over my DEAD BODY. If you go ahead with this, you are as GOOD AS DEAD TO ME.”

And then it took an entire YEAR of Dr. Nakah and his fiance persevering in negotiations with her parents, often receiving horrible abuse and destructive words, before the mother would even LOOK at her daughter.

(As an aside, Dr. Nakah then said, “I guess Adam was the luckiest man on earth.” And we all laughed and laughed.)

But praise be to God! After they were married–with the blessing of BOTH of our parents–now his in-laws are members of their church and he is the son they never had and their beloved pastor.

Dr. Nakah asked us: HOW DOES GOD DO IT? Once the battle lines of hatred have been drawn; war has been declared and expressed; daggers have been thrown at you; sharp piercing words have been said ... how does God do it? How do we begin to even THINK about living together? More or less loving and forgiving and being reconciled?

In Dr. Nakah’s words:

- I thought God would come alongside me and encourage me to get my wife because He had brought her to me. I thought we could walk away! “This crazy family” as I called it. But God said, “Listen to me Mr. I love God! You cannot honestly love me (1 John 4:8 ) and not love these two people who brought your wife into this world.” God is love and the one who abides in love; the one who loves in love—abides in God. And God abides in him. The categorical and clear message of Scripture is that if you don’t love, you don’t know God. If you abide in love, you abide in God and God abides in you.

My situation, pain, bitterness, frustration, anger … the commandment to love overwhelmed me. Loving demanded that I tear the skin off of my body and wrap it around her; felt as though I were dead; all the longing I had for health, success, happiness, I felt now FOR HER. I wanted those things FOR HER.

Absolutely astounding. Different way of loving; making friends; spreading the gospel.

- This means something POWERFUL has to happen first!! Earth shaking. Reconstructing. Something overwhelming has to happen in our lives in order for us to love like this! Well beyond what self-preserving, self-advancing human beings like you and me. GOD has to do something extraordinary in our lives so that we can love the unlovable, unlikable … those who are unlike us.

But what’s wrong with me preferring to spend time with that group and not the other? He says, “I just don’t like you.” Do we really have that option? God has to do something in our lives … but is there anything in this world more supernatural than being raised from death to life? Christ in us, the hope of glory? Us abiding in God; God abiding in us? Being called the children of God. The same power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead is the power that works powerfully in us.

God has done that extraordinary thing in order for us to love.

- I really wanted my inlaws to know I was a believer. I told them that over and over again. I told them. I really wanted them to know. And I wanted them to know that their daughter would be safe. I am a man of God. I love God. How would I do that? How would I prove that my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ was REAL? By doing the works of LOVE.

We know that we have passed out of death into life. (How do we know?!?) because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death. Where love is absent, faith is dead and we are dead.

Mother/father in law will know I am real? LOVE ONE FOR ANOTHER. Love for each other in the church is the badge of Christianity.

Anyone who doesn’t love me; discriminates against me; mocks me because of my language/tribe; doesn’t want me to marry their daughter … persecute me, oppose me, say horrible things about me … they have become my enemy. Jesus says LOVE THEM.

What does this mean?
Love your enemy: gracious, redemptive, LOVE.

- God is calling us to new depths of love for each other. In order to make peacemaking a reality, something else must happen first. That we, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints … and to know the love that surpasses all …

I got LOST in this love!
My wife said, “Don’t you think you are overdoing it?”
I wanted to love them. Serve them. Be their pastor.

I couldn’t believe it, one day after church, I had just finished preaching, someone who had visited our church for the first time was talking to my father in law and asked who is that? My father in law said, “He is my son.”

May God grant that we being rooted and grounded in love …
And to know the love of Christ which surpasses all!

Amen & Amen!!

And much love to you all from North Carolina –

Hoping to write again later tonight!

Yours,
Tara B.

OK ... I’m trying to give myself a little grace even though I’ve been quite a FAILURE at blogging “live” from the Peacemaker Conference ...

But I have learned a thing or two:

1. It’s hard to blog a conference when you’re SPEAKING during every single workshop slot; and

2. It’s really hard to blog when you’re ASLEEP.

!!

That said ... I did want you all to know that I am here and (although I have received three extremely harsh criticisms amidst a SEA of gospel-infused love, encouragement, and care ... more on that later, but MAN! Isn’t graceless (and inaccurate!) criticism HARD TO RECEIVE GRACE and VERY HARD to not fixate on?!?) ...

All is well!

The bulk of my teaching time is over (I have only one more workshop to do on Saturday)–so I’m hoping to POSSIBLY catch you up with lots of details before too long.

But let me tease you with just a few insights from Ken Sande’s wonderful opening plenary session Thursday night. With his typical humor, insight, and Christ-centered love, Ken reminded us:

- There is something remarkably different about the unity we have as Christians (the unity the Jesus talked about in John 17:20-23) because our unity it built around a PERSON, not a cause.

- That as Believers, we join together from every political party, class, ethnicity, race ... men and women, little children ... we all join together in a way that no other man in the world could unite us because we join together to WORSHIP CHRIST. This makes our unity unique when compared to people joining around a cause or political party or for any other reason.

- Unity can be defined as being “one in spirit and purpose by loving Jesus Christ and making Him known to others ... while at the same time delighting in God-given diversity because we’re all moving in the same direction toward the same goal: to love Jesus Christ and make Him known.”

Ken then went on to remind us of five basic commitments to demonstrate unity (Ephesians 4:1-16):

1. A commitment to love Jesus Christ above all things and to sacrifice all of our mini-agendas for His sake (Eph. 4:1, 6). Love is the driving force; the gospel is the driving power-—the motivation and the model for peacemaking.

2. A commitment to develop Christ-like character, especially humility and submission. Eph 4:2-3, Phil 2:3-4. (No church on the verge of a split is known by humility and submission.)

3. A commitment to sound doctrine, which never sacrifices the truth, but always prioritizes it in a spirit of grace (Eph 4:4-6, 15; John 1:14). We have a tendency to move toward one side or the other (truth/harsh/inflexible; grace/truth doesn’t matter/let’s just get along). But we need both.

4. A commitment to respect and pursue God-given diversity and accept one another just as Christ accepted us (Eph 4:11-12, Rom. 12:3-8, 15:7).

5. A commitment to strive earnestly and prayerfully to pursue genuine peace and reconciliation, despite personal differences. Eph 4:3, 1 Cor. 10:10.

Ken reminded us that loving Jesus and making Him known is what is most important! And that love for Jesus unites us across denominational lines, gender lines, racial lines.

Unity is the irresistible witness of the church.

One closing example and then I must run ...

Ken read a letter from a man in prison in Uganda who was three weeks away from being released. The man had just completed a peacemaking course in that prison and was hoping and planning to go to seminary upon his release. In his letter, he explained that he had recently had a conflict with his friend. These are his words ...

"Instead of fighting, I went and asked him to forgive me. Again and again and again. Then I went to him with my elders. And finally—now we are reconciled. These are the ingredients and fruits of this course. When I was arrested, I was frustrated and asked why me; why my family? I had planned to teach my accuser a lesson … to set his house ablaze and sit with a gun so no one could run out and survive–not even a rat. I praise God for this sentence so I could take this course. God has cleansed my heart with His blood shed on the Cross 2000 years ago. By His grace, I have forgiven my accuser; I no longer hold my accuser in my prison. He will be amazed when he sees me kneeling before him next month when I am free—I will ask HIS forgiveness."

"I no longer hold my accuser in MY prison."

Oh! I was convicted by those words!
Who am I holding in “MY” prison??

Dear God–may I look at the 10,000 X 10,000 prison doors behind me–where YOU have released me from the prison I deserve for my debts OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN ...

And in response, may I NEVER hold anyone in prison again by unforgiveness, bitterness, gracelessness.

God’s blessings to you all from the Peacemaker Conference! I’ll try to write more as soon as I can.

Love love love,
Tara B.

Our church is going through The Peacemaking Church Small Group Study (based on the Bible–and Ken Sande’s book The Peacemaker) and wow! Is it great!

If it’s been awhile since you’ve read The Peacemaker–or if you never have done so–I hope you’ll consider not only reading the book but doing so in the context of a small group Bible study. There is just nothing like the accountability, love, and safety of a small group to “force” us to get these biblical principles out of the realm of the HYPOTHETICAL ("confessional theology") and into the realm of the REAL LIFE HOW WE ACTUALLY LIVE ("practical theology").

Let me give you just one example from last night ...

We were discussing how hard it is to obey God’s Word and follow His peacemaking principles with UNBELIEVERS–especially AT OUR WORKPLACES and ESPECIALLY when it comes to GOSSIP. (I.e., it’s so easy to jump in and gossip too! Or even if we don’t explicitly gossip–to raise an eyebrow or nod. Or even if we don’t do THAT–to still participate in the conversation, and thus, give tacit approval to the gossip or slander.)

In response to this discussion, two women in our small group tag-teamed on each other to give this advice on one way we might respond when someone is gossiping around us:

Gently ... carefully ... say something to the effect of, “Are you telling me this because you’d like my help to resolve this? Otherwise, I don’t think I should be hearing this.”

I think they are spot-on in this advice. Do you agree?

Fred left this morning at 4:45AM for The Peacemaker Conference (in North Carolina) and (after dropping off a dog for a four-day doggy playdate and a girl and her fish for a four-day sleepover tonight) AND after (LORD WILLING!!) getting my speaker notes ready for FOUR WORKSHOPS that I’m teaching (please do pray for me today!), I leave in the morning too.

Hope to be blogging from the conference ...

Love to all!
– Tara B.

I was so blessed to get to spend time with some friends at the airport this morning (and even get to upgrade one of them! it’s fun to be able to do that) ...

I’m in my second of four airports for the day and I have just a second to share with you all what my friend said to me this morning.

He and I were talking about some of our recent teaching events, conciliation cases, and church intervention cases, and he remarked how HARD it is to encourage genuinely reconciled, gospel-proclaiming relationships in a certain geographical area because:

"They live in a culture of NICE."

Isn’t that a great (but sad) description?

(And doesn’t it make you wonder WHERE he was when the people said that they live in a culture of NICE? )

Mostly–isn’t this description an encouragement and conviction to turn AWAY from “niceness” and TOWARD truly united and loving and REDEMPTIVE relationships?

Anyway–thanks for the encouraging notes and prayers too. Here’s hoping my next two flights are as uneventful as the first one.

God bless!
– Tara B.

Years ago I interviewed one of my elders to seek his wisdom on the topic of leadership.

He is an extremely well-read man, and I wasn’t surprised to find him giving me example after example from various books he was currently reading.

One leader stuck out in my mind–he kept mentioning a certain military leader whose “grace under fire” was detailed in the book Band of Brothers.

Well ... I JUST finished reading Band of Brothers and I have to say ... if you have any interest in learning better how to relate with people, get along, serve, do your part, lead well, and follow well ... buy this book! It is simply marvelous.

AND–this gentleman, Winters (his rank kept changing as he continued to advance) is absolutely beyond the PALE an extraordinary leader.

I could give example after example, but I’d like to highlight just a few:

- When his men were surrounded (in numerous situations!), he went himself into harm’s way to scout out the situation and determine the best course of action.

- During one battle, he gathered his platoon and said, “Men, there’s nothing to get excited about. The situation is normal; we are surrounded.” Then he organized an attack, hit the enemy hard, and did his duty. (Amazing!)

- After he and his men had completed multiple battles, they were all granted a brief break. Almost all of the men went to Paris. At the same time, a large number of new recruits were on night training exercises. One “newbie” lost sight of the man in front of him “and drew a sharp breath. He tensed, looking around. A quiet voice from behind said, ”You’re O.K., son. Just kneel down and look up and you can catch sight of them against the sky." He did, saw them, and muttered, “Thanks,” and moved on. Later he discovered that the advice had come from Winters. So here was Winters, his battalion staff cavorting in Paris, leading an all-night exercise for recruits."

(By the way, this “seasoned leader” this “old man” ... was twenty-six years old.)

Is it any wonder why his men followed this leader?
They all, to a man, said that Winters led by saying, “Follow me!” (Not by ordering his men into situations while he stayed in some safe place in the back. Nope. He led by leading.)

I just love this book!

(Oh–and Shelley? If you and your husband agree that the (very) occasional profanity is OK for your son to read ... having finished the book now I would have to say that I whole-heartedly recommend it for you to read together. It is profound and a wonderful read.)

Thank God for these men. The Greatest Generation. Heroes–every single one.

(Although I know that most of them would eschew that title. In the book, one of the men wrote, “In thinking back on the days of Easy Company, I’m treasuring my remark to a grandson who asked, ‘Grandpa, were you a hero in the war?’ 'No,' I answered, ‘but I served in a company of heroes.’”)

Oh oh oh! A heartfelt thank you to all of our military (and their families!) and the military chaplains (and their families!) and to all who lay aside their own self-interest for love of God, their country, and their comrade next to them.

How convicted I am (especially when I consider how I interact with my brothers and sisters in Christ–are we not warriors in a war too? So why do I act like I’m sailing along on a cruise ship, my comfort, convenience, and my happiness my preeminent concerns? But actually we are on a battleship; we have our orders; we are called to be a “band of brothers” as we lay down our lives for one another and for our Leader!)–how convicted I am.

Thank God for mercies which are new every morning!

Here’s to a blessed, God-centered Tuesday when we wake up in the morning.

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
(Please use caution especially with children if you click through to this website as some of the posts might be only appropriate for adults ... but I love this site and I wanted to share just a few of the reasons why ...)









(HT Military Motivator!)

Wow! I am a blessed woman to get to hear from so many wise people. (Men and women alike!) Thanks for the emails and for the encouragement/wisdom/gentle confrontations too. I really do appreciate you all.

A recent email got me thinking along the lines of, “So, OK. You keep calling the women to remember the gospel and love well–but what about the MEN? What would you say to these leaders if you were given a chance?”

Oooooh ... what a good question!

(As an aside, I’ve actually thought about this topic for a future book too–but I would want to co-author it with a pastor so that both “sides” (perspectives) would be represented.)

Here are my initial/just brainstorming thoughts:

1. Ask for feedback on as to how you are coming across relationally–especially to women. This would take courage, of course. Your identity would need to be rooted in Christ and you would have to NOT be a people-pleasing, bound by the Fear of Man, have to always “look good” kind of leader. But assuming that you truly want to love God and love your neighbor–and your sheep!–well, get some feedback. Don’t be defensive. Listen carefully–and see how God might be calling you to even greater faith and conformity to His Son.

2. Consider how you might compensate for your weaknesses relationally–especially concerning women. For example, if you know you are an introvert/brainiac/scholar or engineer/task-oriented/linear-thinker, consider if there are any easy-to-get-along-with/extrovert/happy-relational (and spiritually mature!) men that you might partner with as you counsel/disciple. Or even (gasp!) consider bringing along one of those non-Y-chromosomed disciples (women!) to help you as you lead and serve.

(Having been invited into such meetings by both the church leaders and the person needing help, I can tell you that especially when there is a HURT WOMAN INVOLVED, having a “neutral” (i.e., “NOT currently involved in this specific conflict/situation, NOT currently hurt by this church leader”-type woman) involved can be a REAL asset. It’s almost like we are translators or something. (Tara: “I think that what she is trying to say is ...” Hurt woman: “That’s RIGHT! That’s how I feel!” Pastor: “I had NO idea!” Ahhhhhhhhh ... now let’s all run to the Cross, shall we?)

3. Encourage your church to bring in pastoral staff that is different from you. For example, in our church, our leaders knew that as our senior pastor continued to preach Christ and we continued to grow, we would HAVE TO develop our ability to function/live/minister in our small groups. (Church leaders simply cannot disciple/counsel/keep tabs on hundreds of people no matter how hard they try.) So they hired in our associate pastor who is brilliant, to be sure, and able to preach (no problem). But he is particularly gifted at relationships and building community in the Body. Our two pastors are so different from each other! But that was clearly by design by our leaders and our members.

4. If you REALLY hate the “people part” of your ministry ... please consider asking yourself whether you should really even BE a pastor/church leader. Because what IS the Church? People. Who did Christ die for? People. Why do you preach? God’s glory! Yes! But also for the edification of His ... people. So while there is room for much grace when it comes to propensities and giftings and even growth in relational skills ... AND we all go through seasons of “ups & downs” (especially regarding our relationships) ... It seems to me that if you really hate being around people; if sinners bug you and you have a complete lack of love for your sheep; if you’d love your ministry as a pastor if it weren’t for all of these needy, pesky people! ... maybe you’re in the wrong line of ministry. Just a thought.

I’m shaking in my Keds as I continue to post on this topic!
So much hurt. So much pain.

We are fearful–and where there is fear, there is not love.
We are sick of being hurt–but not wanting to live only for our own comfort.

We know there are evil people in the world (and the church!) doing evil things ... so we need to be wise! (But we are mindful of our own depravity with every breath we take.)

May God have mercy on us all!
Oh! To quote a friend who just emailed me ... “this makes me long for Heaven.”
(Me too. Me too.)

God bless you all and good night!

Your friend,
Tara B.

(Well ... this topic is obviously hitting a nerve with a lot of people. So here is a little addendum to my previous posts on the conflicts between women and their church leaders ...)

I always say this when I speak at any women’s event, so I’d better be sure to say it explicitly here too:

When I am talking about “suffering well” and “loving our enemies” I am NOT talking about women lying down on the ground like doormats–especially not regarding PHYSICAL ABUSE.

If you are being physically abused, GET HELP! There are overlapping spheres of authority in these situations–including civil/criminal authorities–that may be the very way that God ministers His will to all of the people involved (including the abuser).

But again–just to restate what I AM saying one more time ...

Most (but not all) of the situations that I interact with do NOT involve physical abuse or “direct orders” by someone in authority that a woman “has to” sin.

Usually, the woman is HURT, sad, disappointed, and angry because the person in authority has not lived up to her expectations.

Maybe he is incompetent. Immature. Ignorant when it comes to how different men and women can be.
Maybe he has never even tried to minister God’s grace to her or to her family–
Or maybe he HAS tried but he’s done a lousy job.

Whatever the case, somehow she has been very (very!) hurt by him and it is HARD to persevere in love.

THAT is the situation I’m talking about. Not the one where a cult-like “leader” abuses his “followers” and warps the good concept of authority into self-serving evil.

Hope this helps to clarify!

Yours,
Tara B.

OK. It’s happened again.

I post a blog entry and there are no public comments. But before you know it, personal emails start to trickle in one on top of another.

(I mentioned this pattern to Fred last night before I even wrote yesterday’s entry simply because I MARVEL at how many comments are left on some websites/blogs ... and I know we have thousands of hits on PeaceGals and here on my blog, but not many comments. I mentioned to Fred how, perhaps, these topics are just too personal, too intimate, leaving people too vulnerable to actually dialogue about “publicly.” I wonder ...)

ANYWAY ...

Trying to honor the time constraints of my duties re: domestic diva Tara/consultant Tara/getting ready to be out of state every weekend until October 13 Tara ... I think I’d better not try to email responses to every person individually. (I hope you understand!)

(Oh, and THANKS for writing! It is always an honor to hear from people.)

I just wanted to make a few more observations/share a few thoughts on this whole topic of “women being hurt by their leaders in the church”:

1. Our leaders are in process too. Demanding perfection (or even functionality in ALL areas of life) from them is just as unloving and graceless as they often are to US. Hey ladies–let’s give them some GRACE shall we? Yes, it hurts. Yes, we suffer. Yes, this is a horribly AWFUL part of picking up our cross and suffering well. But I truly believe that it is our duty–not so much as women, but simply as CHRISTIANS–to lay down our lives and love our neighbor and love our enemy (especially when that neighbor or enemy is our church leader).

Please remember that as our leaders bump into us and cut us accidentally (because of their fallenness and weaknesses) AND/OR as they lash out at us and wound us DEEPLY (because of their sin!) ... they are just as desperate for Christ as we are.

2. Many leaders are NOT good at both doctrine and relationships. Not to imply any sort of scientific study here or anything–but just based on my Christian life and on mediations, consulting gigs, conflicted church interventions, and speaking events at which I’ve served ... It seems to me that the leaders who are usually the most theologically accurate / careful thinking / guarding of doctrine can often be the ones who are just AWFUL at relationships. Seriously. Many of the church leaders I know (across the nation) and trust to never lead me astray doctrinally I also have a hard time trusting relationally–simply because they are either immature, unskilled, ignorant, in need of further sanctification, or just AWFUL at relating with people.

Yes, of course there are some who excel in both areas–doctrinal/intellectual carefulness AND relationships ... but they are few and far between. So what does that mean for the practicality of daily living? Well, I don’t know about you, but I would MUCH rather have biblical, gospel-infused, Christ-centered, Cross-centered preaching and teaching and shepherding done by men who are GROWING in how to relate with people ... than HERESY or LEGALISM taught/preached/encouraged by loving, easy-to-relate-to, great at discipleship and feedback and friendship leaders. (And so we stay. Suffer? Yes. Become stoics/bitter/cynical? NO NO NO. Persevere in LOVE and in FAITH? YES YES YES!)

3. It is faithless and loveless and SINFUL for us to DEMAND that our leaders lead us better; embrace and promote biblical peacemaking; suddenly become GREAT as shepherding and encouraging; WHATEVER. Seriously–this propensity in women to tell ANYONE (man, woman, child) how they “OUGHT TO” be and “SHOULD BE” and “NEED TO BE” is such a horrible part of so many relational conflicts (especially in marriage and relating to church leaders). Oh, friends! Even if we are shrewd, insightful, brilliant, discerning–WHATEVER–we are NOT the Holy Spirit. We are not! And it is SIN for us to make an IDOL–sinful demand–out of PEACEMAKING (or anything else we “know” our leaders “should be” doing).

Does this mean that we just sit back and STEW? Stay silent and POUT? Of course not! We use all of our intellect and gifts and LOVE to serve and help and encourage. And if our leaders say, “No. We’re not implementing that idea.” or “No. We’re not going to give that ministry at encouragement or money or time.” ... We remember that have only INFLUENCE in this situation, not authority. We remember that our leaders have the right to be wrong. We make every respectful appeal. We persevere in love! But if it reaches the point where our conscience is seared or they are commanding us to sin ... then, of course, we have to GET OUT. But most situations are not like this! Seriously. Most situations involve wisdom issues (not sin issues). So please be careful!

4. Our propensity is to treat them in the exact way they are treating us. They criticize us (and we criticize them for being so critical). They judge us and write us off without ever giving us a chance to grow. (And we are so hurt by this! So we respond by saying, “He’ll NEVER change.”) They ignore us or even avoid us (so we pull back / run away / hide / escape ... maybe we actually leave physically, but for sure we flee emotionally by putting up a huge wall in our hearts that says, “I will NEVER trust you!”).

They TRY to do the “peacemaking thing” and actually give us feedback/counsel–but their “help” has some room for improvement. Maybe they mean it loving, but it comes across as critical, unloving, with no encouragement or hope whatsoever. (So we judge them ("He’s a leader! He should KNOW better!"). We replay the memories OVER AND OVER AND OVER again in our minds (and feed our anger and bitterness). We re-tell the stories to our “friends” and gather up all of the evidence we need to make our case as to their (many!) failures. We “know” EXACTLY what THEIR problems are and what THEIR sins are because we have rehearsed them so many times in our hearts and minds. And then we wonder why our leaders are SO reticent to ever try to counsel/shepherd/get involved again.

It’s no mystery! They give us no grace so we give them no grace RIGHT BACK.

Oh ladies! It takes FAITH to respond to graceless, gospel-less criticism with anything other than graceless, gospel-less criticism. But I am praying that we will be women of FAITH! And of course, faith leads to ACTION. And the action is LOVE.

Faith is the root. Love is the fruit. This is a WORK OF GOD. It is counter-cultural. It is the OPPOSITE of our instinctual reaction. It is SO STRANGE that people would look at it and say, “WHAT is going ON?!?” "WHY would you EVER stay and keep trying to work through this?" “Didn’t you call them that one time? Didn’t you meet TWO WHOLE TIMES?!? I thought you wrote that letter! Surely that is enough!! Get out! Get away! YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS.”

And we respond:

This is so hard. It is.
My heart is breaking. Truly.
I’m crushed! I’m crushed! I can’t even breathe.

But yay tho He slay me, I will yet trust in Him. My Savior and my God.

Will I be wise and shrewd? Yes.
Am I called as a full disciple to use all of the resources at my disposal to promote that which is GOOD in this situation? Yes.

Can I FIX this church leader? No.
Can I fix this situation? No.

Will there ever be complete JUSTICE in this life? NO WAY.
Am I going to be VINDICATED? Maybe. Maybe not.
Will my reputation, livelihood, financial security, NAME be RESTORED? Maybe. Maybe not.
Is God still in control? YES.

Does God give me everything I need for life and godliness? Even in this HORRIBLE situation? Yes.
Is it more important to be RIGHT or LOVING? Loving.

Can I leave? Maybe. Leaving may be of faith OR it may be of sin. Be careful. Get help–especially from someone who has NO STAKE in the situation.

But I don’t WANT to persevere!! I know. I know. Who would?
Who would choose this?
Who would choose to suffer?

Only someone who is aware of the brevity of life and the length of eternity; someone who is staking her claim on the redemptive plan of God to save His children and make all things new in Christ; someone who knows that every breath, every step, every moment of life is NOT for HER but for the ONE Who made her ... this one suffers.

She loves–which involves risk. She forgives–which involves dying to self. She doesn’t give up–even when other people give up on her. Because God, in Christ, never gives up on her and she treats people they way GOD treats her, NOT the way PEOPLE treat her.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
My heart is just BREAKING for each one of you. Of us.

Please trust that I’m praying for each situation that I hear about ...
And please, PLEASE remember this: Every day will not feel this bad.

Samara always tells me, “This too shall pass.”
And it will. It truly will.

OK. Back to “real” (i.e., non-blog) life ...

Yours,
Tara B.

Here and there ... in tiny snippets ... (often when I’m tired and just feel like slothfully procrastinating rather than working on some BIG HUGE projects that I really need to tackle one of these days) ...

I’ve been reading Band of Brothers.

Have you read this book?
Do you like war/military books? I do.

The first one I remember reading was General H. Normal Schwarzkopf’s autobiography, It Doesn’t Take a Hero. I was in undergrad during the first Gulf War and I remember picking it up out of curiosity and a genuine sense of how IGNORANT I was when it came to our military.

(It Doesn’t Take a Hero is a great read, by the way. I highly recommend it if you like biographies of military personnel. It’s been over ten years since I read it and I can still picture the scene in Viet Nam when his met were caught in a MINE FIELD and he ordered a junior officer to go back to the base and get all of the SHAVING CREAM he could carry. The officer did so and then, as the mine teams found the mines and cleared safe paths, they put down shaving cream to lead the men out of danger. Although encouraged to leave, Gen. Schwarzkopf stayed until every man was out of that mine field.)

Of course, I know that there are THOUSANDS of such stories from our military ... but this one sticks in my mind because of the OBEDIENCE of the man who went to get the shaving cream.

Couldn’t you hear him arguing? “What! Shaving cream? Are you crazy? What is THAT going to do?”
But no ... he obeyed and then men were saved.

At the very beginning of Band of Brothers, the author stated that:

"The men were learning instant, unquestioning obedience. Minor infractions were punished on the spot, usually by requiring the man to do twenty push-ups. More serious infractions cost a man his weekend pass, or several hours marching in full field pack on the parade ground. The Army had a saying, “We can’t make you do anything, but we can make you wish you had.”

Brought together by their misery, held together by their cadence counts, singing, and common experiences, they were becoming a family ...

... with incredible results in combat. They would literally insist on going hungry for one another, freezing for one another, dying for one another. And the squad would try to protect them or bail them out without the slightest regard to consequences, cussing them all the way for making it necessary."

I read all of this and I can’t help but reflect on my own life ...

Especially in the church.

We CLAIM to be a “family”–but seriously? How committed are we to one another?

We SAY that we are “at war” (with our enemies ... Satan, the world, our Old Man residual sinful natures). But really? Do we act like it?

Or do we turn on each other? View each other as the enemy? (Our husband, wife, pastor, “former friend.”)

And what about this whole obedience thing?
Do I really obey?
Or do I obey ONLY when people are WATCHING?

What truly rules my heart?
What really matters to me?
How do I live in secret? When I THINK I’m “getting away with” something?

Thank God for our military! (I do. I really, really do.)
Thank God for the example and their reminder of what familial commitment, obedience, and SACRIFICE all look like in real life.

And thank God for conviction. My unease is a good sign–
I pray that I will never be comfortable in my sin and unbelief.

Blessed Thursday to you all!

We’re taking Lilikoi back for a wound check this morning–her hyperactivity was making it hard for her body to heal, so on Monday the vet put her on tranquilizers. For the WEEK. She basically told me that Lili was going to SLEEP for a WEEK in order to give her body time to heal. And she pretty much is doing just that.

It’s actually pretty weird to have this little lump of a Lilikoi where normally there is a spaz. (She even drank her water from her water dish LYING DOWN the other night. Is that pathetic or WHAT?!?) Oh–and the vet warned me that when dogs are tranquilized, “Their third eyelids COME OUT” so I shouldn’t be worried about that (!!!!!). Did you know dogs have three eyelids? Oh, oh, oh ... the things you learn by checking in on this blog, eh?

Love to all!

Yours,
Tara B.

I had a wonderful time at my prayer/friendship group this morning ...

I hadn’t planned to share my heart today. (Yeah, right. That usually goes well.)
But of course I ended up sharing a TINY bit and then a little more and then–before you knew it, tears & Kleenex & lots of words.

My friends shared great counsel with me:

They neither placated me (and dismissed my contributions and sins/fallenness) nor dismissed me (by ignoring the wrongs that have been done to me).

Most of all?

They loved me.
Encouraged me.
And reminded me that a certain person who is causing me a fair amount of pain and sorrow right now is NOT my “personal Holy Spirit.”

(Very wise. Very wise.)

Hope you’re all enjoying a wonderful Wednesday–
May we all remember to MAKE TIME for friendship that goes beyond chit-chat and can actually speak TRUTH with LOVE into our lives.

Yours,
Tara B.

HT Pastor JollyBlogger!

"Love will find a way. Indifference will find an excuse." C. S. Lewis

(Please, O please God! Do not let me be indifferent.)

I just received this list from my dear (dear!) friend and fellow PeaceGal, Ruth M., and I immediately asked her if I could share it with you all. (She said, “Sure! But it’s just a rough draft and it’s very much in process.”)

I’ve re-ordered things a bit (am I compulsive organizer or WHAT?) to group by genre ... and the little subittles are mine. (So blame me for the weird wording, not Ruth!)

But I just have to say, if you have ever said, “I would really like to help!” to a family in need (cancer? loss of a baby? unemployment? death?), I’d copy this list down and keep it in your files!

(That’s what I’m going to do for sure.)

Thanks, Ruth!
(BTW–Ruth has been battling cancer for years, so she speaks from experience. I’ve left some of her quotes in the list.)

Love to all–

Your friend,
Tara B.

“I would like to help in any way I can. I can…” “May I …”

Help with the Daily/Regular Ol’ Stuff of Life:
- Do any housekeeping chores you’d like (dishwashing, dusting, cleaning whatever needs cleaned, bathrooms, whatever!)
- Do your grocery shopping
- Do your laundry (at your home or mine)
- Feed your pets and plants
- Fix ............... in your house ("Things seem to break down more when there’s no one to fix it!")
- Weed and/or plant flowers
- Mow/trim the yard
- Wash/detail your car
- Have the oil changed in your car
- Get your car(s) inspected
- Take your children to the park (babysit anytime—even overnights)
- Take over you carpool duties
- Make school lunches

Help with the Stuff Specifically Related to the Crisis:
- Sit in the hospital waiting room with your family
- Handle updates and field phone calls and communications for you

(“I think one of the best things people can do is coordinating one or two people—usually a close friend or family member—to be in charge of obtaining updates and then distributing them. We had one for the phone and one for email and I can’t overstate the importance of this help. It kept all the prayer warriors informed without our having to repeat the news unnecessarily. It also guarded us from having to field various questions we may or may not have been able to answer.”)

- Coordinate the church’s mercy ministry aspect (meals, rides, etc.)

(“One of the most helpful things was done for me was that our Shepherding Elder’s wife coordinated the schedule of meals (she asked about our favorites, allergies, and our treatment schedule) and communicated with the church office about our needs. She even arranged transportation to appointments. She did this all through email—and it was far easier to communicate in this way than to answer several well-meaning phone calls wanting to help. This also helped to have a written record later of who did what so we could appropriately send thank you notes.”)

- Bring you the church bulletin and tell you about the sermon/service/church family
- Gather a cheer basket of movies, books, magazines (many loaned so home doesn’t get cluttered permanently)
- Host a special dinner and prayer time for you

(“One dear friend gathered our closest friends together for a dinner together where we enjoyed one another and prayed together before my surgery. This may not always be feasible (and wasn’t the third time around) but was a precious gift.”)

Gift Ideas:
“Anything to defray the expenses is helpful. Even with excellent insurance, illnesses and crises create unforeseen expenses and additional financial hardships.”

- Gas cards
- Grocery store cards
- Visa gift cards (“These things allow anyone in the home to run these errands for the patient and family without having to worry about money exchange.”)
- Hospital parking vouchers (“There are few things as insulting as family members of critically ill patients having to pay daily to park to oversee the care and visit with their loved one.”)
- Hospital cafeteria vouchers
- Soothing music CDs
- Bible on CD
- Ipod with audio books already programmed on it
- Humorous cards and signs (“Laughter is great medicine and it’s not possible to overemphasize this aspect. But, please be sensitive to the particular personality and your own relationship with the person.”)
- Guest book for visitors to sign and write notes. (“This is good even if patient is sleeping, for visitors to leave notes and encouragement even after they’ve gone. I still read mine.”)
- Pamphlets that share the gospel to give to medical personnel and others

(“I recommend John Piper’s “Quest for Joy—Six Biblical Truths” and other resources relevant to illness and hope. I had an IV tech nurse come back to me for counseling following my giving her the John Piper brochure. There is no time like a crisis to share the hope of the gospel!”)

- Care bags for waiting rooms—puzzle books/word game, water, snacks, change for phone calls, scripture pamphlets, pen/pencil, notepad
- Scripture signs and encouragement notes for the hospital rooms
- Dry-erase marker board for the hospital room to help keep track of phone numbers, room numbers, the names of nurses and doctors, the next pain medicine time
- A night away for the couple (including childcare too).

“One of the wisest recommendations we received initially was to not postpone couple time together. For each of my diagnoses, Tim and I have taken (made!) time to be away alone together. These are precious memories for us both and served to strengthen our bond and our faith in times that were otherwise chaotic. Some folks contributed to an overnight and special dinner for us one time.”

Did anyone else memorize the “Free to Be You and Me” album from the 1970’s? Thirty years later, my sister Kali and I can STILL sing, “Some mommies are truck drivers” and “It’s alright to cry–crying gets the sad out of you” and I am very careful in how I teach Sophia that “ladies go first,” because I still have visions of tigers eating proud little fancily-dressed girls.

(I know. I know. That will make NO sense to most of you who were spared this musical adventure. But for those of you in the skinny–in the know–can’t you hear the tunes even now??)

Well, another song on the album went like this:

"Some kind of help is the kind of help that helping’s all about.
And some kind of help is the kind of help ... WE ALL COULD DO WITHOUT."

This morning, I am REALLY REALLY REALL thinking about some “help” that I’ve been receiving that, well, actually? I could really do without right now.

"Help" that leaves Fred and me bewildered. Shocked. Striving in faith to not be angry.
“Help” that condemns as it feels graceless and hopeless.
“Help” that really makes us want to GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE AND RUN FAR FAR AWAY!!!!

But we won’t.

Instead–we’ll go to sleep a little more prayerful and a little less happy/cuddly/snuggly and a little more isolated physically and emotionally. (So then, in the next few days, we’ll have to FIGHT to remember that WE are OK and OUR relationship is whole and sound and it’s OK to trust each other. No matter what is coming at us.)

We’ll persevere and not run away. (We keep saying for years now that we would be so happy if God were to call us TO something–not just that WE want to GET AWAY FROM something.) And so we will remain. With joy. Contentment. Battling moment by moment to cling to Christ, worship Him rightly, and have Hope.

We’ll keep trying. Specifically, I’ll keep trying. (Because Fred, as usual, seems to only receive GLOWING affirmations about EVERYTHING he ever does. It’s like WHO he is and WHAT he does are always, well, GREAT. But that wife of his ... man! What to do with her. What to do. What to do.) So I keep trying ... to remember Who God is; who I am in Christ; what GOD has called me to; all of the present means of grace available to me now; the brevity of life and how this not my home and how ONE GOOD DAY this will all end and I’ll get to die. (Trying hard to not wish that day along too quickly!)

We’ll look at the day/week/month and try to make plans ("consider the tower") so that we are wise; but we’ll always know that God is the Real Maker of Plans and everything could change in an instant.

We’ll look for ways to serve.
We’ll try to love our neighbor.

And somehow–it’s a miracle!–I am praying for the grace to be quiet and listen to this “help.” To listen and pray and understand. To submit. To not be crushed by it.

Because it sure does NOT feel like “the kind of help that helping’s all about.”
(Help that has even a smidgen of encouragement, kindness, and guidance that isn’t 100% centered on changing everything that is wrong with me because I am such a horrific failure at, well, EVERYTHING.)

But we can all only do our best, right?
I can’t be anyone but me–and I’m sure (100% sure!) that the constant stream of criticism and warning and judgment being leveled at me right now is for my good in some mysterious way.

And I’m totally sure that whatever criticism is coming my way is not even CLOSE to identifying even a FRACTION of the darkness (sin, unbelief, self, pride, blindspots) that continues to reside within me.

And so we listen. And pray. And try to sleep. And try to get up and get to work.

As Fred prayed over me last night, he prayed:

"A bruised reed, God will not crush.
A smoldering ember, He will not snuff out."

We’ll see. We’ll see.

To be honest–getting snuffed out or crushed doesn’t sound like the worst of the options.
But a daily dying to self?
Picking up this HUGE, SCRATCHY CROSS that makes me bleed and isolates me from everyone around me?
(Well, everyone but Christ.)

Yes–yes–there’s the rub.
Today I kneel and God places His yoke on me. It actually is quite light.
And yes I pick up my Cross–because it is an honor to be counted worthy to carry it.
But God also gives me HIMSELF. The Holy Spirit DOES live within me. I am not alone.

And even though I THINK I’m carrying it, I am being upheld at all times by the One Who loves me MOST.

- Someone throws a rock and it cuts me? (Not apart from God’s sovereign care and goodness it doesn’t.)

- My fallenness, stupidity, or outright SIN splashes out of my “in need of further sanctification” heart? (Yes, yes, but even THEN I can have hope ... “for it is GOD Who works in me” to conform me to His Son.)

- No one understands me. I have no place to fit in. Whatever I do, it’s not enough. (I’m too quiet and no one knows about my service because I do it in secret. I’m too public and too many people know how I try to serve. Catch-22. Hard to know how to “fix” that one, eh?)

Oh well.

What can you do.
It’s another day.

Poor Lilikoi has bandages and stitches from her “girl” surgery and her dew-claw removal surgery. She’s so sweet and sleepy with the medications they’re giving her.

My house is a mess–but that’s OK! One of Sophie’s and my big projects yesterday was sending out (very rough edit versions of) my little VIDEO DVD SERIES to some watchers/reviewers. (Their main goal? CATCH ANY HERESY SO WE CAN DELETE IT BEFORE I REALLY GET IN TROUBLE!!! )

Serve a young family.
Try to reach out.

Try NOT to tip over the edge back into “the dark place” (where I forget the Truth and my emotions and unbiblical thinking–especially words from others–begin to swim and move and then take root and grow grow grow until they smother my breath and choke out any ability to think clearly and I am left gasping for air, barely alive, crying every single day, every day–day after day). Oh no. The dark place, the dark night of the soul, is NOT a good place to be.

So faith’s fight against sin, right?!
Remember, Tara! Remember ONE TRUE THING ABOUT GOD this day.
And let that SILENCE all of these other voices that are tempted to define you.

It’s just hard.
So very, very hard.

I do SO hope that you are all NOT having a season like this!!
And that you ARE receiving “the kind of help that helping’s all about.”

Please do let me know if there is anything I can do for you–

With love from Montana,
Tara B.

Yesterday I went to bed thinking about a time–years ago–when an older gentleman sat me down and confronted me on a number of weaknesses that he observed in my character.

I remember being shocked–I hardly knew him and yet he felt that he could just confront me like this?!

I remember feeling sad. Tired. Beaten down. Dejected.

But last night? I thought to myself, “I should do a little searching and find my journals from that time period to read what he actually said to me. I bet it was spot-on and, in fact, quite redemptive.”

(This man is actually known to be a very encouraging, gracious, and loving pastor. Many people love and trust him. But my interactions with him have, inevitably, been tainted by that difficult conversation we had those many years ago.)

Still–with hindsight and maybe even a smidgen more of humility gained with years of life (and many more conversations where people point out my weaknesses and failures) ... with a more accurate view of myself (strengths too) ... with a growing faith in Christ and confidence in His gospel ...

I guess I just wonder: How would I respond today to a similar conversation?

Would it tip me over the edge again? Back into the darkness of despair where I have ABSOLUTELY NO HOPE because my eyes are FIXED on my sins and failures and weaknesses ... rather than being fixed on CHRIST?

Would I be defensive?
Annoyed?
Hurt?

Or would I listen?
With gratitude–would I grow?

I pray that I would.

Hmmmmmmmmmm ... maybe my interactions with this man (in a few weeks) will be more pleasant this year? That’d be grand.

Hope you enjoy a blessed Wednesday!

With love,
Tara B.

PS
If you’d like a great resource on this topic, I encourage you to read The Cross and Criticism: Learning to Take Criticism in Light of the Gospel by my pastor, Alfred Poirier. It’s a keeper.

Wouldn’t many of us say that “one anothering” ("love one another," “serve one another,” "pray for one another," etc.) happens in community, and thus ... relationships are important?

Wouldn’t we say that the Church is the Body of Christ–and thus, we hold a high view of her and we seek to build up the Church?

Doesn’t it sound really good in theory to say that "change happens within community" and "there are no Lone Ranger Christians" and "God uses people to grow us in grace"?

But then ... let’s be honest:

- Isn’t hard to forbear with people? Well, CERTAIN people?

- When it’s 6:30PM on a Monday, would you rather veg out and RELAX or grab your Bible and head out the door to small group?

- Isn’t your first instinct, upon hearing of a family’s struggle or a marriage in crisis to think, “I wonder if they’ve met with the pastor. Maybe they should call the pastor.” (Because–seriously. Do we REALLY want to call them up, set a time to get together, and try to encourage/serve/help them? REALLY?)

And yet ... the Christian walk truly is a shared pilgrimage.

The Church truly is God’s Plan A. There is no Plan B.
Relationships matter.

So ... off I go into another day.
Trying not to cry as I persevere in relationship with someone who has hurt me.
Striving to reach out to someone in need.
Praying for grace to RECEIVE blessings and help from others too.

"Love one another as I have loved you."
“Live a life of love–just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
“The one who claims to love God yet hates his brother? He is a liar and the truth is not in him.”

May God have mercy on our souls! (He does. He does.)
May those of us who struggle in relating to people GROW and LEARN by being teachable and humble.
(And may all of you wonderfully at-ease relational people help us! )

This IS the day that the Lord has made.
I’m back from walking Lili and heading to the gym and counting down the minutes until Samara & Scout & William arrive tonight–
Rejoicing in the Lord.

By faith, I will rejoice and be glad in this day.

Happy Friday, all!

With love,
Tara B.

Our church’s summer intern, (future pastor) Bruce Clark, made this observation in one of his recent sermons:

"The extent I judge and criticize and reject others? This is the extent I don’t understand myself."

Don’t you think that is true?

(Sorry. I tried a few times to come up with some pithy observation or application and NOPE. My brain, apparently, is completely FRITZED OUT. I’m just going to let his statement stand on its own.)

Hope you’re all having a great day!

Yours,
Tara B.

Blessed yet again by an email from missionary/theologian Ajith Fernando–

Chuckling at his comment that, “Today is my off day. On my off day I like to indulge by doing pleasurable things–usually that means eating sweet things which are now not good for me! So I indulged by writing the attached piece that emerged from my devotions when I read about Stephen!”–

And seeing all sorts of opportunities to apply his wisdom (especially on LEADERSHIP) to our families, ministries, businesses, and churches–

I received his permission to reprint it below.

Hope you enjoy!

God bless,
Tara B.

BEING FRUITFUL FAILURES
Ajith Fernando

What a challenge Stephen is to us! His ministry was so wise and so Spirit-anointed that people could not withstand his message (Acts 6:10). Yet they arrested him and brought him to the Council. And they found themselves confronted by a strange dilemma. The man whom they accused of speaking against Moses actually had an angelic glow on his face similar to what Moses had when he came down from the mountain after being with God (6:13-15)! Their response was to kill him.

But over 2000 years later he is still speaking to us and challenging us to follow God’s way of grace-and-power-propelled (6:8 ), Word-saturated (7:2-53), Spirit-and-wisdom-filled (6:10) ministry. It is acknowledged that he had a major role to play in freeing Christianity from being confined to Judaism and the Temple. He was the theological precursor of all missionary theology. He is considered the father of Christian apologetics and was the model for those great heroes of early Christianity, the apologists who defended and helped establish Christianity in the first few centuries.

Stephen’s long-term fruitfulness tells us that the key to assessing whether or not a ministry is blessed by God is not the immediate results which that ministry exhibits. The important thing is eternal fruit. By the world’s standards Stephen was a failure; by God’s standards he was eternally fruitful. He was a fruitful failure.

We are faced with a serious challenge today. This is an era where we have seen the inadequacy of ministries that claimed to be faithful to eternal principles but saw no real growth because they did not boldly go forward into new and creative ventures. Reacting to this, the church growth movement rightly reminded us that we must target numerical growth, because each person represents a person rescued from hell and given a place in heaven. They said we need a theology of harvest rather than simply a theology of sowing. So there has been a new thrust for numerical growth among Christians during the past thirty-five years and success is often measured by such growth.

Then there’s what we may call the “projectification of ministry.” Ministry is viewed in terms of projects. Funds are raised, measurable goals are projected, a contract is signed and the job is done in a way that will produce the measurable goals. If ungodly people are the agents of these projects, that anomaly is ignored because of the impressive results they get.

A challenge comes from the business world too. There the important thing is getting profits now. If there are no profits now the share holders are advised to invest elsewhere. So a great effort is made to show that the business is having a good profit, and the results are reported each quarter. Sometimes companies will hurt faithful employees, doctor accounts, withhold information and publish false reports in order to give investors the idea that they are making great profits. Recently we have seen some respectable corporations falling into this trap. Christians don’t work to make quarterly profits for businesses which usually don’t last for more than a few decades and which are sometimes taken over by the same company they’ve been competing with. Our work is a building block that contributes to the construction of the eternal kingdom that is competing with, and will one day utterly destroy, Satan’s kingdom.

In this environment, the attraction of immediate results to Christian groups could be so strong that it could blind us from seeing the priority and value of eternal fruit. Christians and Christian groups could fall into the trap of being addicted to immediate results. Addicts ignore a lot of vitally important things as they relentlessly go after that which they are addicted to. Because of this we need to constantly keep reminding ourselves of the values which drive our lives; those values which will reap eternal fruit.

A SPECIFIC APPLICATION

All this has been coming to me strongly during the past few days as we are working prayerfully with our leaders and Board on a document presenting our dreams for the next five years. We are hoping for much growth in new and exciting areas, and we have written down those hopes. However, it soon became evident to us that before writing down our dreams we must first and foremost write down our values. If we are to bear eternal fruit the dreams must be fulfilled without compromising our values. So we need to keep repeating and emphasising our values.

Growth takes place in Youth for Christ through the nurturing of leaders. When there are sufficient leaders to start a new venture some are released to do it. We will not start a new venture without sufficient leaders. We will not build a new building without first developing a strong group of trusted people who will ensure that the building is used in a way that is in keeping with our organisational values.

It is very easy for us to come to a situation of growing and recruiting capable but ungodly people to manage the new ventures we start. They may be perform the volume of the work they are given to do. But the way they behave could bring great dishonour to God. The result would be that we move away from being who God intends us to be.

In Christianity doing comes from being. Doing good is a result of being good. Unholy people should not be the custodians of the kingdom agenda. If that happens we would have grown at the expense of our values. We would have become earthly successes and eternal flops. We are constantly faced with this danger in our YFC ministry and are sometimes alarmed by how we too have succumbed to this wave of seeking growth even at the cost of principles.

Spiritual Fellowship. Let’s take one example of how the method of growth can clash with the values of the organisation. Finding people of integrity is not easy in today’s world. We can easily be deceived into entrusting our work to smart-talking go-getters who are not saints. So we have to be very careful in the selection of leaders and staff. The people we put to serve in a given area must be people who strive to obey God and ensure always that they are filled with the Spirit. Curriculum vita sheets rarely reflect the character of a person. Sadly, letters of recommendation written by respected leaders also often hide serious character flaws in a person.

Let’s take Asia’s besetting sin: lying. Most religions say it is wrong to lie. But Christians claim that the uniqueness of our religion is that God gives us the strength to give up lying. If Christians continue to lie they are proclaiming to the world that what Christianity teaches about the power of God is a lie! The damage to the cause of Christ is immense. So we must be very careful to ensure that our leaders are not liars. However, a liar can easily become a Christian leader. That person then becomes a cancer in leading the church into becoming like the world.

How can we detect lying and stamp it out of the church? Perhaps the most effective way is through close spiritual fellowship where spiritual accountability is practiced. In such a fellowship one who lies will be pushed into either giving up the practice of lying or leaving. The biblical lifestyle of walking in the light as the basis of having fellowship with one another (1 John 1:7) will result in a spiritual climate which makes liars uncomfortable. An organisational culture where the members lovingly confront those whom they feel have been untruthful would be a strong impetus for giving up the habit of lying. Sometimes God will supernaturally act to show expose and purge the church of lying as he did with Peter’s confrontation of Ananias and Sapphira and their resulting deaths.

But for such spiritual fellowship there has to be a jarring deceleration from the high speed quest for results so that the members can linger with each other in unhurried spiritual communion. Where’s the time for such fellowship in this fast paced world? It is very dangerous to neglect such fellowship. If we are too busy for it, we are simply too busy. We must change our schedules; slow down our growth and clear our diaries so that there is time for deep fellowship.

Discipling. A key activity that must accompany spiritual fellowship is the individual discipling and the nurturing of people until they become leaders. This also takes time—time that may temporarily hold back superficial growth, but that will foster healthy long-term growth!

My prayer for YFC is that all our leaders will continue to give priority to the slow, hard work of caring for our people. That is what discipling is: caring for our people. That would include:
- visiting them in their home settings;
- having regular appointments with them and spending whatever time is needed to minister comprehensibly to
them;
- teaching them the Word and instructing them about how to live for and serve God;
- advising, warning, rebuking and praising them;
- earnestly praying for them regularly;
- dreaming about their welfare and progress in life and ministry; and
- providing opportunities for them to blossom as effective servants of Christ.

If we do this, then we will have leaders who facilitate growth that will not compromise our values. Fruitless short term success is useless on the long run. We need to be people who are willing to look like failures so that we can truly bear eternal fruit.

I recently received an email from a friend who was asking for advice regarding a broken relationship in her life. (LONG story that I won’t retell, but she’s trying to figure out how/if to try to re-establish ties with a woman who has caused a lot of conflict in the past.)

I’ve changed the names (of course!) and all identifying information, but I thought that even without the whole “back story / explanation”, my response might help/encourage a few of you, so I’ll copy it below.

Sophie and I head home tomorrow! Fred and Lilikoi seem to be eager to have us home after two weeks on the road.

Love to all and thanks for your patience with my blogging break!

Yours,
Tara B.

Dear Tonya,

Re: your questions on your (very sad!) situation, I’m not sure I’m the best person to help you. Usually our church leaders and close friends/family have much greater wisdom to share with us. However, I do want you to know that I care, so here are just a few thoughts—please take them with a grain of salt and seek counsel on anything I share, OK?

To begin … I’m just so very, very sorry that this situation has occurred and has brought so much sadness to so many lives. Sin, unbelief, our humanness, fallenness, Satan, the world, the Old Man … life is just incredibly hard! And relationships (as I know you know) can be particularly hard that way.

So please know that I am sorry for your suffering and the suffering of everyone involved! I wish that I could help to comfort you all in that.

Regarding your specific questions on the situation (just brainstorming here) …

1. It sounds like (from what you’ve described), this is a very common situation—in missionary agencies, churches, families, etc. Everyone wants to submit as long as they agree, but who wants to submit when they disagree? (I.e., does God REALLY work out His will through authority? Do our leaders REALLY have the right to be wrong?) ALSO … it is very, very common for someone (usually a woman) to have major relational problems for YEARS and have no one (absolutely no one) help her. It’s so sad! Because I’d imagine that the woman you described has great gifts! But a history of conflict/broken relationships … well … hello pot, it’s me kettle. Of course I can relate and sympathize and I’m just so sorry for the entire situation. It seems to me that it really does take biblical, redemptive, accountable, ecclesiastical authority, redemptive church discipline, community to help us grow in grace. And most organizations / churches / families simply don’t operate this way—so how can we grow and actually DEAL with things?

2. What should your attitude be toward her? Same as toward every single person in your life, I would imagine: “Oh, look. A wretched, horrible sinner—just like me. Good thing God is such a gracious and forgiving God!! Now … how can I encourage HER to run to the Cross and remember the gospel and cling to CHRIST—just as I need desperate help to do the same???” Does that mean you just pick up the friendship where it ended before? Well, no, I can’t imagine that because it SEEMS (again—I’m only hearing one side of the story and I take everything anyone ever tells me with a huge grain of salt!) … that she needs rescue in a particular area (just as you do and I do—but maybe in other areas). So what does redemptive relationship look like? Hmmmmmmmmm …. I don’t know for sure, but I could imagine that it might include, well: honesty (about what happened in the past and what is currently going on—if they truly are completely unwilling to even talk about it with you, that’s a huge red flag to me and I would be extremely cautious; that indicates a potential hard-heart and unteachable/proud spirit); truth (with charitable presumptions!); grace grace grace … and always wisdom from Heaven. (I.e., let’s say that this woman absolutely REFUSES to submit to ANY authority. Let’s say she is consistently destructive, a gossip, a slanderer … what is the most loving thing for this neighbor of yours? Who is authority over her who can help her? What is the most God-glorifying thing to do?)

3. I’m not sure how to respond to your “on the forgiveness spectrum” question—because I don’t really understand how/if she actually sinned against you. Did she offend you? Sin against you? Has she sought your forgiveness? How about you toward her? Why do you feel betrayed by her? Have you discussed this with her? You say she has broken trust and that hasn’t been restored—well, my friend, that doesn’t sound like there is “forgiveness” and “reconciliation” and “restoration of relationship.” And I know you know that YOU can’t make any of those things happen. If she is unwilling to talk with you, get help, submit, seek counsel, repent, grow, confess, change … there is little you can do. And of course, it seems to me that there is no way for genuine friendship, trust, and restored relationship to happen. That doesn’t mean that you judge her, disdain her, think yourself more highly than her (NO WAY!!!) … but real relationship just doesn’t happen without conversation/humility/genuine care, etc.

4. I would encourage you to read How People Change (by Lane & Tripp) and pray specifically for wisdom as to how the Lord may or may not be calling you to minister the gospel in her life. I know you know this: but you are not the Holy Spirit. AND you are not the Church. AND you are not her husband or her ordained church leaders OR her organizational leaders either. So how much can / should you really even try to help her? How teachable is she? Is this a pearls before swine situation? Is she a fool who refuses to listen to any counsel? Or is there an opportunity here to serve and be involved? Difficult people change in COMMUNITY. It takes a Church to help those of us who are really messed up! (And I mean ME! ) One “friend” is not the answer. BUT … one friend might be an important piece. It really is a wisdom issue, dear, dear Tonya. And I don’t know the answer.

5. Lastly, and I think most importantly … setting aside all of the stuff about HER, I would encourage YOU to seek counsel, Tonya, from wise and loving friends/church leaders who love you enough to help you see the truth. Whatever this woman has done, is doing, and will do … I am absolutely 100% sure that YOU have much to learn about the Lord, yourself, your relationships, your heart, your areas of strength and weakness, your areas of faith and unbelief, hidden sins, wonderful delightful glorious beauty in you … and focusing on the LORD and YOUR HEART regarding this situation will only be toward your betterment and your greater conformity to Christ. Honestly—there is so much room for growth in grace in YOU that has absolutely nothing to do with HER—that I encourage you to pray and focus on THAT. Oh, and you know what? As you glory in GOD and more accurately see your own heart? It is a sure bet that your heart will be more gracious and merciful to her—even if she never repents!—because you will be reveling in how much you deserve WRATH but how much God forgives YOU every single day.

OK—I totally have to run now. (Sophia and I have been on the road for two weeks helping family and I am just slammed.)

Sorry this is brief and quick and unedited … I should’ve re-read it and fixed its many errors. I do hope it is even a TINY bit edifying!!

Tonya, you are loved.
It’s going to be OK.

God is with you.
God is for His children!!

Hang in there—OK?
And get counsel from people with “boots on the ground” right there with you. Let them hold you and wipe your tears and rebuke you and counsel you!

Much, much love,
Tara B.

(From March 2006)

Ajith on Responding to Personal Attacks

I received another amazing prayer request update from missionary (& theologian & author & pastor) Ajith Fernando. (If you are not familiar with Ajith, I urge you to get to know him and consider praying for and supporting his ministry with Youth for Christ. I have found him to be one of the most thoughtful, godly, wise, caring, humble ministers to the gospel. Ever.)

He attached this article on Responding to Persecution and I thought it might be a blessing to you ... so here it is!

Blessings to you all –
Off to Maryland this morning –
Your friend,
Tara B.

—

A THREE-PRONGED RESPONSE TO ATTACKS
by Ajith Fernando

How should Christians who are a minority in their land respond when fellow Christians and churches are attacked? I have thought about it a lot because churches are often attacked in Sri Lanka too. One thing is certain—never should our motivation be one of tit-for-tat or revenge. I want to suggest a three-pronged response.

LOVING OUR ENEMIES
We live in a region where the understanding of the concept of honour requires that if someone hits us we must ht back. In some countries the so called “honour killings” are even sometimes ignored by the authorities. This is totally different to the Christian understanding of honour. Paul said: “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honourable in the sight of all” (Rom. 12:17). In Christianity the honourable thing is not to hit back.

Then there is the fact that Christ has asked us to turn the other cheek (Matt. 5:39). So the general response when we are hurt is to love our enemies. This is a teaching that is repeated over and over again in the Bible (Matt. 5:43, 44; Luke 6:27, 35). We are told, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:28 ). Referring specially to persecution, Paul says, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them” (Rom. 12:14). Paul says of himself, “When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure” (2 Cor. 4:12b). Peter writing to a church suffering persecution said, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9). Note that in this last verse a blessing is promised if we bless our persecutors.

This is a pretty strong case for loving and blessing those who persecute us. I believe the witness of history is that the reaction of Christians to persecution left a strong impression on the persecutors. After painful initial suffering, they left such a powerful impression upon their persecutors so that large numbers of people ended up coming to Christ. This is our dream for our nations. We want large numbers of people to come to Christ. It may seem impossible now, but that is how the conversion of the Roman Empire looked to the small persecuted band of Christians in the first century to whom the passages I quoted above were first written.

When people in our nations get tired of the endless cycle of violence coming from revenge, may they be challenged by seeing Christians refusing to take revenge and loving their enemies. When they get tired of the corruption that is ruining our chances of progress, may they be challenged by seeing Christians willing to suffer loss and taking on poverty because they refuse to break their principles. When people realise that all their wealth has not given them satisfaction may they be challenged by seeing Christians truly happy and contented by living godly lives and realise that the life we have in Christ is the greatest gain (1 Tim. 6:6). Jesus said, “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:16). That is our ambition for the church.

Actually the persecuted Christians in the New Testament era looked forward to nothing short of world conquest by Christ. They saw their sufferings as temporary means towards achieving that end. That is how we see our sufferings too. So knowing that Christ is the truth, yearning for our nations to bow their knees to Christ and believing that Christ will conquer the world in the end influences our attitude to persecution.

Of course only a pure church where people truly love God can react this way. The churches in South Asia are anything but pure. This is a much more serious problem than the persecution we are going through. We must pray that God will use this persecution to make our people truly holy which is the biggest need in the church today—a much bigger need that the need to avoid suffering.

SEEKING LEGAL RIGHTS FOR CHRISTIANS
Now that is one side of the coin. The other side is that the Bible shows that the early Christians did all they could to win legitimacy for Christians. In Philippi, when Paul and Silas were released after being unlawfully beaten, they did not meekly leave the prison. They protested that they had been treated like that even though they were Roman citizens (Acts 16:35-39). They wanted it recorded that Christians had been treated in an illegal way. Luke is careful to record that the proconsul in Corinth Gallio who was from a famous family and was a well-known figure in the Roman empire gave a verdict very favourable to the Christians (Acts 18:12-17). The early Christians did all they could to achieve a legitimate legal standing for Christianity and for evangelistic activity.

In the same way today Christians need to use the court system to appeal for our right to practice Christianity. When something illegal is done against Christians we may need to go to the courts to agitate for our rights or against the actions that have harmed Christians. This is so that people are warned against the repercussions of doing it and will think twice before trying it again. In this way we help the whole church, not just ourselves.

If Christians are being denied a basic human right like access to the village burial place, it may be necessary for Christians not to give in when they are stopped from using the cemetery. They may need to grapple with the authorities until permission is granted. This has happened a few times in Sri Lanka.

Sometimes it may be necessary to apply pressure on the authorities by using the pressure of foreign interest groups and governments. It may be necessary to highlight in the press nationally and internationally the injustices meted out to Christians.

Like the great thinkers in the first few centuries (whom we know as apologists), we must produce great thinkers who will devote their energies to producing material in defence of Christian belief and practice. This is a long-term strategy. We need Christian people who will grow in stature to become respected lawyers, politicians, journalists and economists. They can represent Christ to the nation better than we preachers can. This is a long term strategy, but we must be thinking about this and urging people in this direction.

MINISTERING TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN ATTACKED
There is a third thing that needs to be done at this time: those affected by the attacks need to be comforted. Physical attacks are very hard to endure. They humiliate the person; they produce fear of another attack; and they can produce severe anger over the way the person’s body or property was violated.

Indeed we have seen people like Stephen who have reacted with wonderful faith when attacked. But my experience has been that some time after the attack people go through all sorts of difficult feelings. They become vulnerable to Satan’s attacks at this time. They could get over-discouraged and lose heart. They could become angry and develop vengeful feelings.

Another need for outside help from Christians is that in times of persecution Christians could act rashly and in an unwise way. Sometimes persecution is triggered by unwise behaviour of Christians when they antagonise others by things that were not necessary to do. An example is having loud worship which disturbs neighbours. Another is unwise ways of distributing material aid to the poor and needy which gives opponents the impression that we are using unethical lures to coerce people into becoming Christians.

This, then, is a time when those who have been attacked need the support of the body of Christ. We need to be close to them and help them regain some balance as they go through different emotional moods. When Peter and John were told for the first time that they must not speak in the name of Christ again, the first thing they did was to go “to their own people” (literal translation) or “to their friends” (ESV; Acts 4:23). If they cannot come to us we must go to them. Leaders must ensure that those who have been attacked are personally ministered to.

So my answer is a three pronged one. Firstly we are committed to radical personal non-retaliation. We will not resort to violence to achieve our ends. Instead we will demonstrate the power of the gospel by exemplary lives. Secondly, we are committed to using the existing structures to present a case for the legitimacy of Christianity. Towards this end we develop strategies that will be effective and leaders who will be qualified in presenting the case for Christianity. Thirdly, we care for those who have been attacked.

May we be faithful at this time.

(From June 2005)

When to be silent? When to counsel?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I interact with friends and acquaintances. Specifically, when might it be the most God-honoring and loving thing to do to remain silent (supportive, encouraging, loving–but “non-confrontational”), and when it is that I might be called to gently speak Truth (counsel the Word).

Let me give you an example ... I’m having lunch with a friend and it is obvious that she is bitter. I mean really angry, grouchy, judgmental, complaining–mad. As she shares her story, there is no mention of God, other than in disdainful and complaining ways. ("God is sure great to you and everyone else, but look at my horrible life!" “Why should I care what God thinks–look at how He treats me!”) She holds grudges against people who hurt her–even decades ago! And she lives as a miserable, morose, grace-less person.

(So sad!! I care about her so much – it’s hard for me to even write those words.)

Now, over the years, I have tried to build relationship with her. I’ve tried to be an encouraging and loving friend who doesn’t give up on her. (Almost all of her relationships end in conflict. People let her down. She gets angry and frustrated. They pull back. She judges them and blames them entirely for the breakdown of relationship. Bam–end of relationship.) I’ve tried to own up to my failings and be real with her. At times, over the years, I have tried to steer her to Christ, remind her of the lavish love of God, and encourage her to attend church.

("Bunch of hypocrites! Nobody really lives out what they claim to believe. Can’t stand the people."–her view; “Sinners saved by grace! The Body of Christ!” I encourage her. Nope. No interest on her part.)

At times, I have sought to “gently restore” her (third “G" of The Peacemaker’s Pledge) by lovingly helping her to see her heart and her great need for Christ. ”Our hearts are all desperate!" I say. “Not mine,” she replies.

So then I sit and wonder ...

Am I being too confrontational? Do I have a “pedestal & pit” mentality towards her? (David Powlison’s wonderful analogy.) Am I on a pedestal in my heart ("I get grace! She doesn’t!")? Do I put her in a pit? ("She is the most bitter, unforgiving, miserable person I have ever known. And I’ve known a bunch!") Am I failing to love her well?

Or ... am I bound by the fear of Man such that I ought to be bringing her truth and counsel, but really I am just “being nice”? Am I afraid to bear her wrath and rejection? Do I not want to be just another “person who lets her down”? So do I couch my words, remain silent when I ought to speak, and just placate her sin and unbelief?

I just don’t know. I’d love to hear your counsel and thoughts!

This morning I’m initially thinking that if I don’t want to speak truth, perhaps I am called to gently do so in love? And if I am eager to confront her ("What’s wrong with you!!??"), then perhaps I am acting out of my own sin and unbelief?

If my temperament is to be a busy-body and go around telling people all the things they are doing wrong, then perhaps I am called to repent and grow in grace and love? But if I am a people-pleaser who never risks losing any relationship, then perhaps I ought to consider gently counseling the Word and stepping out in faith to bring Truth to bear?

Grace and truth. Truth and grace.

Truth without grace = legalism and condemnation.
Grace without truth = licentiousness and permissiveness.

Dear God, please grant me wisdom from Heaven (James 3!) as I seek to believe Your grace and Truth myself–and gently be an instrument of your grace and Truth in the lives of others. Thank You, God, that You are gracious and loving to me. I am prone to wander! Seal my heart, I pray. I am false and full of sin! You are full of Truth and grace.

“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’” From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” John 1:14-17

Last Sunday, our church was blessed to receive a message from Dr. David A. Baer of Overseas Council International (sorry I couldn’t find a link for you!). He preached on Isaiah 2 and encouraged us all that as we believe God’s Word, we simply cannot be pessimistic. Because, although at times we will grieve in this life–ultimately, one day, God will have His way.

I took two pages of notes on his sermon and I won’t type them all in for you now, but here are just a few nuggets that I keep mulling on and praying over as I go through my (busy!) week:

- The gospel makes a REAL difference in the world. Real peace ensues and flows as conflict is vanquished by persistent, stubborn love.

- We don’t have the luxury of individualistic piety as we walk with Christ in His love that is all-conquering and all-gathering. Corporate worship flows out of life together.

- History ends in GLORY. The vision of visions–judgment and glory. This IS where things go.

I tell you–based on the challenging day this momma has had, I am encouraged to remember Truth.

Thank God for the Cross!
Thank God for redemption.
Forgiveness of sins.
Hope.

Love to you all and Happy Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

The next time someone fails to meet our expectations and desires ...
Isn’t quite as friendly and warm as we’d like ...
Doesn’t say the right thing or do the right thing or even look the right way to us ...

I wonder: Couldn’t we just give them a BREAK?!

You know–cut them some slack.
Give them the benefit of the doubt.

(I.e., maybe she’s not a JERK. Maybe she’s scared. Tired. Maybe she just received another horribly harsh call from her mother-in-law. Maybe she’s TRYING to relate well, but she can’t quite keep up with the conversation and then she feels stupid and thinks the better thing to do is just to stay quiet ... but then we’re tempted to think she is proud and haughty and “stuck-up.”

Maybe your pastor isn’t intentionally hurting you–maybe he’s just astoundingly busy serving 500 people and the family that lost a baby, the marriage that is about to split, the dad who is addicted to online pornography, the lawsuit that is about to start between two members, and the woman who just attempted suicide ... are all taking a lot of his time this week. Maybe he DOES care about you and he DOES want to shepherd you well–but he is human and limited in what he can do with 24 hours in a day.)

Maybe we can just give them a little kindness. A little mercy.
Not expect perfection from them.
Overlook (unilaterally forgive) the things that disappoint us.

Give them grace. Just like we receive grace every single day.

I’ve been convicted this week of just how often I am selfish in how I relate with people.
I expect things to be a certain way–and I am tempted to withhold my love from them when they let me down.

But God is calling me to repent!
To treat people NOT as they deserve–but as God treats me.

Uncomfortable? Yup.
Pleasant? Nope.
Crazy, even? That’s what the world would say.

Christianly? Ahhhhh ... now we’re getting down to it.
Is it Christ-like to do good even to those who hate us? More or less people who just annoy us and fail to meet our expectations?

Yes yes yes.

Please help us, Lord!
For your glory. For our good.
And for the proclamation of the gospel.
Amen & Amen

I remember once observing a group of young girls and being truly creeped out.

These girls were from Christian homes and they ranged in age from–I’m guessing here–6 to 8 years old.

As I watched them play, I saw incredibly disturbing things:

- Two of the girls were obviously quite dominant. (I kept thinking of the term “Alpha Girl” when I looked at them.) They were “in control” and it was quite obvious that the other little girls wanted to be wanted by the “leaders.”

- At various times, they would look at someone and point and LAUGH in that “insider” / clique sort of way that creepily reminded me of my own behavior in, like, junior high. (I was “popular” because I was manipulative and “powerful” in how I related with my peers. UGH!!)

- Even a little girl who I know to be sweet when she’s one-on-one was drawn into this whole sad relational dance. She hung around them until they let her join in and then she did all the things that they did.

The whole thing just made me incredibly sad.

AND ... honestly? I was tempted to judge them and their parents. ("What kind of Christian parent/kid would ...")

But instead, I’ve been praying (thank You, Lord!) and seeking counsel from women I respect as to this whole “group dynamic” / clique thing ... because, obviously, it’s going to be an important part of our shepherding of Sophia’s heart.

Reflecting on all of this, I’ve been thinking of a couple of young men I’ve known (and prayed for) in our church who I could TOTALLY see standing up against this kind of peer pressure. (I.e., I could easily see the teenager walking into a high school cafeteria and going up to the “nerdiest” most EXCLUDED and rejected boy, introducing himself, and getting to know the “outcast.” And if “the cool kids” challenged him? ("Dan! Dan! Don’t talk to him ... he’s a LOSER!") I could completely see this dear, wonderful kid reflecting on all that his parents have taught him and modeled for him over the years ("Son, it takes absolutely no moral courage to go along with the crowd. Be a man. Remember that the “outcast” is created in God’s image–AND he might even turn out to be a really interesting, fun friend.") And I could just see this young man loving God and loving his neighbor WAY MORE than he loved acceptance by kids that he neither respected nor enjoyed.

But that would take some serious maturity, wouldn’t it?

I am SO praying that God will soften Sophia’s heart and this temptation to Fear Man and long to FIT IN will not rule her. But instead–she will have a quiet, courageous, loving spirit that reflects Christ.

Because ... MAN! I remember being really creeped out by the group think/clique dynamic. Eek!
But I also remember loving how Sophie helped a toddler on the slide ("Big kids look out for the little kids, right Momma?") and I loved watching our friends talk with and enjoy one another’s fellowship.

So anyway ... do you all have any wisdom or counsel as to how you have prayerfully taught, encouraged, and disciplined your children in this regard? Please pass it along if you do. I’m seeking wisdom from Heaven!

Hope you all enjoy a lovely, lovely Thursday–

God bless and much love,
Tara B.

OK, team. I have a request ...

Would you pretty please take 30 seconds and respond to three questions for me? I would REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate it. (You can leave a comment–TOTALLY ANONYMOUSLY IS JUST FINE!!–or send me an email or whatever you are most comfortable with.)

Here are the questions:

1. Does your church (and ANY church you know) practice biblical peacemaking?

2. If YES, do you have any idea HOW the church got interested in peacemaking? (I.e., Did someone have a conflict? Was there a Bible study or Sunday School class on peacemaking? Did the leaders get excited about peacemaking and then “implement it”?)

3. Do you think it would be wise for there to be more WOMEN’S materials / resources on peacemaking? If so ... WHY?

Thanks for sharing your counsel and wisdom!

(I’m REALLY hoping for a boatload of comments/emails. I know that over 600 people read my blog every week ... so pretty please share share share! )

*UPDATE*
Thanks so much for ALL of the many emails!!
My Inbox is packed and I’m excited to read through them all.
Thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks!!