considerable grace

I have quite a pile of emails stacking up and I am trying to diligently work through them. (Thanks in advance for your patience if you are waiting on a reply from me.)

One email was from a friend who (like me) struggles with overindulging in food (gluttony) and I thought my reply to her questions might encourage some of you too. So (generically, of course, ALL identifying information has been removed/changed), here is a snippet of my reply to her.

Oh that we would believe the TRUTH OF GOD more than our FEELINGS!

Yours,
Tara B.

"Wow! God is truly stretching you! I was humbled by your email. And of course I don’t have any great words of wisdom for you ... but I’d love to try to encourage you, even just a tiny bit.

I have prayed for you, my friend. You are a mighty warrior and a beloved daughter of the King of Kings. I hope that you will BANISH ONCE AND FOR ALL those nasty self-condemning thoughts. Olivia, that is simply NOT the way God thinks about you EVEN WHEN you are struggling or tempted or even indulge in sin. God’s grace is towards you because of CHRIST and because of his covenant of GRACE – which is based on HIM, not you!

Sometimes I think you picture God as a harsh taskmaster or drill Sergeant who is requiring a lot from you, quick to yell at you and disparage you when you struggle/fail, and slow to show you any kindness, patience, or love. That is simply not true! Yes, our sin grieves God – but Olivia, he is your Heavenly Father who is FOR YOU. He is like the Daddy running alongside of your bicycle as you teeter and totter ... HE gives you the grace to push the peddles and learn to balance and He doesn’t reject you when you fall. Instead, he picks you up, kisses your skinned knee, carries you in his arms, and lovingly puts you back on the seat as he cheers you on.

The truth is that HE empowers you to grow in sanctification and conformity to Christ. YOU don’t choose to conform yourself to Christ. YOU don’t choose to repent or flee from temptation. The grace of God teaches you to flee from temptation! (Titus 2:11-12: For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions …).

This is NOT by your own will power or strength or discipline, but by the grace of God! And sanctification is a life-long process. We will not be perfect until heave. In this life, we grow in faith and godliness ... but our sanctification is secured by our justification. We are already perfect in the eyes of God because Christ’s record of perfect righteousness has been apportioned to us. He loves us because of Christ.

You are loved and secure and NOT condemned. All because of Christ.

Olivia, I pray that whatever you discern concerning fasting, your heart will rest in these truths more and more and more and more. For I truly believe that the longer you indulge in unbiblical thinking about the character of God and how he views you, the more miserable you will be–no matter what you choose to do concerning the fasting. How can you rest in the love of God if you think he is disappointed in you? Oh my friend, remember the Gospel! Remember the Cross! God’s love for you is from all eternity (Ephesians 1) – whether you eat the granola bars or not. He loves you because you are HIS, not because of what you do.

And yes, in the context of that love, he empowers you to turn from sin and be conformed to Christ ... but all out of love and grace, not condemnation and disappointment."

Do you ever just have a low-energy, sad-for-no-reason day? Especially on certain days of the month? Especially at certain times of the year?

I do.
Like today.

I am really praying that I will walk through my duties and pleasures this day in God-honoring ways. When I’m this tired (and sad), I am REALLY tempted to sin (sloth, escapism, gluttony).

One redemptive thing I can do right now? Go and cuddle with my daughter and my Golden Retriever. And so I shall.

Hope you’re having a high-energy, happy day!

Yours in the battle,
Tara B.

PS
Just a little update to THANK YOU for the sweet, encouraging comments. And to thank God for a daughter (and Golden!) who both love to cuddle; for all of the Toot & Puddle books (we love 'em!) and a warm home in which to read them; for the GRACE that I actually thought about dinner tonight LAST NIGHT (a true miracle!) so I actually have chicken marinating away with no effort (wow!) ...

And also for some of the clarity that God has gracious brought to me as to why I might be a little sad today ... it really does help to prayerfully lay our burdens on our Shepherd when we can identify what they are. Thanks again! – t

Did I mention back in June that my doctor was one step away from putting me on MEDS for my ever-increasing triglyceride count?

Every blood relative I know of (other than Sophie) is already on such meds ... but I really did NOT want to have to go on them. So in addition to the spiritual battle re: my heart and the lifestyle goals of longing for more energy / better sleep / a stronger and more healthful body, I was also motivated this summer to really try again re: food/exercise because I wanted to get that triglyceride count DOWN.

And guess what?
Great news!

I found out today that since June (in only three months!) I dropped my triglyceride count from 279 to 158. That’s ALMOST in the normal range and (I’m hoping!) well out of the “you’re one step away from meds” range. Hooray! Hooray! It was the one piece of good news in an otherwise troubled and troubling day.

(Major stuff brewing. Again. Blergh!)

I continue to pray for faith to believe God! And for a heart that worships God rightly. I’m often SUCH a wreck. But hey! At least I’m a wreck with slightly better heart-disease-numbers.

Sending you love–

Yours,
Tara B.

I remember once when a woman in my church and I were talking about my ongoing struggle with gluttony/sloth and I made the remark something to the effect of:

"I’m just not used to being so overweight. I never was this way before."

She said, “Really? I’ve only ever known you like this.”

It gave me great pause and I started to do some math ...

I am 38 years old. Not counting the years I was kind of my own as a teenager (because of my parent’s divorce and all of the stuff that went on during my high school years), let’s say I’ve been an adult since I was 18 years old. That means I’ve been an adult for 20 years.

I gained my 100 lbs basically when I got pregnant with Sophie and in the year following her delivery–so that would be when I was 33 - 34 years old.

That means that I’ve been morbidly obese (BMI) for five years – or a QUARTER of my adult life.

So I asked myself, “Is this the life that I am going to keep on leading? Not having enough energy and health to ride bikes, hike in the mountains, SCUBA dive, etc? Really?”

And then I started walking Lili every morning for an hour, doing abs & weights, and being more healthful in my eating. And do you know what ELSE motivated me? MY SHADOW.

I think that it can be easy to have some level of mild bodily dysmorphia in life–thin people can see themselves as being “fat,” overweight people (especially those of us who have given ourselves over to stretchy black pants!) can be blind to just how much weight we’ve gained, etc. etc.

That was me–I didn’t really see just how unhealthy I had grown, what a bad steward of my body/health I really was being.

But my shadow? Well ... that gave me pause because as I walked Lili in the early morning sun, I saw the actual shadow that my body shape cast. And yes, I know that Fred adores me and finds me attractive and lovely. And no, I’m not down on myself or being self-critical. It’s just factual that I had a plump, round, overweight woman’s shape. That was me.

And wanting to be of better use for God’s Kingdom; wanting to be able to serve better; wanting to participate more actively in my family’s life ... again, I’ve been trying to work on health goals. And it’s been good. EXTREMELY HARD–but good too.

I have also continued to pray for all of you who have ever let me know that you continue in this ol' battle too! We all have our areas of temptation. Discipline is hard. Life is mostly work. One day, one moment, one eating decision at a time, eh?

There really is grace for the moment.

Hope you have a lovely Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

By God’s grace, I’ve been doing well this week re: exercise and healthful eating. But this morning one of my first thoughts was, “I should bake cookies today!” When I told Fred, he said that he was thinking the same thing. We’ve both been more diligent and disciplined, and boy! It’s just so easy to want to “reward ourselves” on the weekend.

We’ve been in the battle all day, though. Not giving in to our desires (and habitual patterns!). Taking a long family walk instead. Enjoying fresh raspberries and other (non-caloric) “treats.”

It’s hard, though, isn’t it? To be diligent on a Saturday? It’s not our pattern and it’s taking some concerted effort to persevere.

But it really is a blessing to even try! And it helps me in other areas too ... like, for instance, my tackling of a big ol' project that’s been staring me down for months now. (I took the Young Peacemaker material and divided it into 34 little “mini-lessons” so that we could keep the peacemaking principles before the children in our church’s co-op a little bit every single week, rather than having 6 or 12 or however many “big” lessons on peacemaking.)

I’ve also been blessed to add in some vitamins and nutrients to my diet (including those “good fats”/omega-3 oils). If I don’t get my triglycerides down by diet and exercise, my doctor is threatening to put me on medications! (Granted, Sophie is my ONLY blood relative that I know of who isn’t already on high triglyceride, high cholesterol, high blood pressure medicines. Still! I’ve never had that problem before.)

So ... one day at a time, right? And for me? It’s often one eating decision at a time. Grace for the moment, grace for the day.

Hope your Saturday has been a good one too! I’m looking very forward to being in church tomorrow.

Ah, the Sabbath! The privilege of corporate worship and the gift of rest. We love Sunday!

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

I am continuing my “up & down” life re: eating in a moderate and disciplined manner. But I continue to be encouraged (and convicted!) by friends like Pastor JollyBlogger and PalmTreePundit who gently model godly eating for us all. (Thanks Pastor J. & Anne! )

Yesterday I received what I thought was some good counsel so I thought I’d share it here:

Rather than trying (AGAIN!) to “cut out all of the bad stuff” in one fell swoop ... this person encouraged me to ADD IN one good thing.

So, for instance, you all know that SODA can be a real downfall for me. That once I give myself permission to drink soda, I often (like now) drink it even when I don’t WANT IT (out of habit/routine).

Well ... she encouraged me to drink one glass of water after each time I drink a soda; just tell myself in advance, “Fine, enjoy your soda. But your next drink will be a big glass of water.”

And I think that might really encourage/help me in this ol' battle of faith’s fight against sin because the truth is once I start drinking water, I CRAVE water and really enjoy it. It actually tastes better than soda and it REALLY does satisfy better. Plus, I FEEL BETTER when I drink water.

So anyway ... no big insights here. I’m sure you all know this, but I woke up thinking about it and thanking God for continued encouragement in this area of my life, so I thought I’d share it.

Baby steps, baby steps. No perfection this side of Heaven, right?

I’m off to friend/prayer group now–

Much love and blessings,
Tara B.

I just stepped onto the scale and EEK! It’s time to buckle down re: food. Again.

(Clearly this is going to be a life-long battle for me.)

As soon as I get home, I’m going to print out an article by Lydia Brownback at the Purple Cellar and spend some time really mulling and praying over it:

Five Hindrances to Self-Control

I also am going to start a book on living with moderation (not usually a forte for me).

Hang in there Peace with Food Gals! Our struggle with sin is very public–but God doesn’t love us any less. He looks at us and sees the perfect, God-honoring, moderate, temperate self-control of His Son. We are truly “already but NOT YET!”

With much love from your “pants are snug again” friend,
Tara B.

Just a quick reminder that a few of us are still praying for each other and encouraging each other over at the “Peace Within” section of PeaceGals re: “Peace with Food” (habitually struggling with making an idol out of food/overeating).

Today was our first official three-week “weigh in.” I am down 3 lbs ... nothing too exciting, but I promised to weigh in and report in, so there you have it.

Hope your week is off to a good start! I’m about to head to my first of three airports for the day.

Sending you love–

Yours,
Tara B.

I just packed my suitcase of “stuff” for my event in California this coming weekend.

For the first time in a LONG time I’m going to do little bags of “kits” for the women. I bought a bunch of brightly colored gift bags, cut some curly ribbon, bought as many peacemaking resources as I could afford, and even bought some Ghiradelli chocolates to throw in there (!!) ... and then I packed 'em up and weighed the bag to see if it was under the 50 lb checked bag limit.

It was–by a couple of pounds, so I should be good.

Oh! How I pray that my feeble efforts with these little goody bags will truly bless and encourage these dear women! I am SO not good at pretty bags / ribbons / chocolates / cool ambiance womanly stuff. But I do try my best. That’s all we can do, right?

I really would appreciate your prayers as I serve at this conference as the keynote speaker Friday night, Saturday night (at their banquet), and Sunday morning. And then I’m doing two workshops and a Q&A on Saturday during the day.

Oh–and I wanted to keep on encouraging all of you who are laboring together on the “get healthier” / "peace with food" thread of PeaceGals because OH MY STARS but it was quite an awakening to lift up that (almost) fifty pound bag and think, “It wasn’t that long ago that I was carrying around THIS MUCH FAT on my poor knees and hips and back.”

Yes, yes ... fifty pounds is a lot of excess weight. No wonder I was so prone to depression and inactivity (which lead to more depression and inactivity). Eek.

So ... one day, one eating decision at a time, right?

Hope you are all worshipping God this evening! He alone deserves our adoration.

Love ya lots!
– Tara B.

I just posted today’s “reporting in” thread and poll over at PeaceGals:

How was your week re: Food?

For those of you who don’t know, a number of us who struggle with habitually turning to food as an “escape” or “reward” (i.e., for non-nutritional / idolatrous / emotional reasons) have joined together to pray for one another and encourage each other.

We’d love to have you join us if this is an area of temptation for you!

Some don’t have to lose any weight–this is just a battle of the HEART for them.
I would guess that most are in the 10 to 25 lbs overweight/unhealthy category.

I, personally, have around 40 to 45 pounds to lose before I am at a weight where I feel strong, healthy, and best able to serve God and my neighbor.

So anyway ... we’re reporting in on Mondays and praying for each other throughout the week if you’re interested in joining us.

Blessings to you on this wonderful Monday!

Today, my first thought of the morning was, “Please, God, forgive me.”

And then, as though my pastor where giving me a Benediction (but, in fact, I am trusting it was my own Great High Priest), I received and believed and laid hold of and grasped at and put ALL my confidence in this truth:

"God does forgive me. He forgives me because He is a just God Who has already punished His Only Begotten Son for my sin–so He will not also punish me.

He forgive me because it is His character to forgive–He is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness to even one like me.

And when I confess my sin, He is faithful and just to forgive me and purify me from all unrighteousness."

What else matters in the world?
Nothing.

I pray that your week kicks off on this good note: God saves sinners!

I’m off to friend/prayer time now.

Happy Monday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Wow. What a read.

The title grabbed me off of the news section of my Google homepage and I’m so glad I clicked over:

Vietnam-Era Vet Reports for Duty

There are so many wonderful aspects of this story.

Obviously, as a person who supports our troops and prays regularly for them, I am extremely grateful to have a dedicated and apparently skilled man back in our military. Not only does he contribute personally, but as his commanding officer said, others are watching him.

But my favorite part of the article was the picture of him at age 56 running cheerfully next to an exhausted man obviously decades his junior. The photo caption read:

Army Spc. Tom Owens joined a fitness club and dropped 20 pounds after learning he could get back into the Army. During a recent fitness test for the Army, he ran two miles in 17:30, then circled back to encourage others to cross the finish line.

Wow. I’m so convicted.

I can barely even imagine today going well for MYSELF ... but I’m so selfish! Not only could I approach this day with my heart fixed on Christ, I could encourage others to do the same!

My life does impact others. I can try to hide away and pretend it doesn't–but my conscience convicts me. (Oh! Thank You, God, for not giving me over completely to my sin and hardening my conscience! I know it’s what I deserve.)

I wonder ... I wonder ... COULD I figure out a way TODAY to REST that doesn’t involve SIN? (For me, this is my habitual call to sin re: food. To overeat. To eat unhealthy food. To eat to escape. To eat to run away.)

I pray ... I pray ...

"Please help me, God. Please help me to remember YOU. To rest in (which means to GRASP AT and LAY HOLD OF and PUT ALL OF MY CONFIDENCE IN; to cling to with ALL of my strength and emotions and thinking) ... You. Your goodness and holiness; your compassion and mercy; your Perfection as manifested and revealed in Your Son; your power to raise Him from the dead and to raise me again to New Life–not just in Heaven to come, but right now. Today. May 9, 2008.

Please help me, God.
Thank You!"

And thanks to all of you who have “circled back” to help one another here and over at PeaceGals re: peace with food.

Your encouraged sheep,
Tara B.

I just posted a little update over at PeaceGals on my continual battle of faith’s fight against sin re: food/overeating:

How Was Your Week re: Food?

I hope you’ll join in on our discussion if PEACE WITH FOOD is a topic of interest to you.

You know ... I really did not WANT to try (again!) re: discipline in these areas. But having been the blessed recipient of biblical counsel, help, and confrontation from a dear friend (my pastor!) ... I am SO glad to be back “in the battle.”

Hope your week is off to a great start!

Yours,
Tara B.

Just wanted to let you know that I posted another reply on our “Peace with Food” discussion over at PeaceGals:

Hitting My Trifecta of Temptations to Overeat

Wow! So many comments in just a few hours on my post re: food/losing weight/discipline.

Anyone interested in moving this discussion over to PeaceGals?.

I started a thread there under “Peace Within”:

Want to join me? Let’s help each other with ACCOUNTABILITY!

We’ll see if ya’ll migrate over to PeaceGals. (I think it might be nicer than having to navigate the comments feature of this blog.)

Otherwise–I’ll talk with you again as soon as I get to a wifi!

Blessings and joy,
Tara B.

I had another stellar counseling session with my pastor this morning. He is such a gift to our church and our family (and me personally)! We really thank God for him.

One of the many things we discussed is my continual battle of faith’s fight against sin in the area of FOOD. This habitual struggle for me is closely related to discipline re: exercise too ... but really, I have been in a lifetime struggle against the ruling lust of FOOD–especially “junk food” (high fat/high sugar).

ANYWAY, I have another health goal that I’d REALLY like to STRIVE FOR (lose 10 more pounds!) and I was wondering if any of YOU would have any similar goals that maybe we could team together and pray for / encourage each other in the coming weeks.

Of course, mere behavioral change is NOT enough. So in addition to eating and exercise commitments, I have spiritual ones too. AND I am actively seeking counsel to help with my HEART.

But as dear Judy Dabler often reminds me:

"Introspection is great! But at some point, you just have to CHANGE because change isn’t change until change takes place."

So ... are any of you needing a little kick-start in any area of discipline?

Anyone else needing to beat down your flesh a bit into submission so that we have more health to serve God and neighbor?

I promise to report back and let you know how my first little “push” of extra effort for discipline goes. And I’d love to journey with any of you too if you’re interested!

But right now I have to get my workshop descriptions to Peacemakers for their conference this fall (due today!) and my handouts to California for my first big SBC event (due tomorrow!) and, oh yeah, at some point tonight I should think about packing for my trip (tomorrow morning) ... but somehow cuddling with Sophie and laughing at Lili has taken precedence for some of this afternoon. Who needs sleep, right?

May God grant us grace to turn away from our sin and turn to HIM!

Yours in the battle,
Tara B.

(I decided to put this up in a real post rather than having a REALLY long comment response.)

Thanks for the encouragement, Donna! I truly appreciate you taking the time to write AND I have prayed for you today re: your struggles with food/being overweight. It is such a hard area of life for so many of us! (And not just women—I have prayed for and been helped by godly men who struggle too.)

Re: your questions as to HOW I’ve lost weight, I really don’t have any cool insights or ideas. I’m the typical “everything you read about weight loss is true” kind of gal:

1. Address the heart: Since the problem isn’t the food or behavior, the problem is my HEART, then the solution must be Christ. So what does that look like? Well … continual growth in grace through private devotions and worship, but also not neglecting corporate worship (preaching, prayer, worship, communion); also intentionally seeking out friendship and wise counsel that includes both acceptance/mercy AND confrontation/accountability. I forget Christ—but His present means of grace (His Spirit inside of me; His Word; His Church) remind me of the gospel and point me back to Him.

2. Drink more water (and stop drinking soda!): This is a hard one for me because I really really REALLY like soda. Especially “real” (full sugar, full caffeine, full throttle) pop; but I like diet soda too. Still … our bodies do best with water AND a lot of the time when we’re tempted to comfort ourselves with food because we THINK we’re hungry, we’re actually THIRSTY. A big glass of cold water? (Or a bottle of water with an Emergen-C or Airborne in it?) Yum! And good for you too.

3. Get moving! Yes, yes yes … exercise helps. Not just to burn off excess fat but to FEEL BETTER (especially for those of us who struggle with depression/a propensity to melancholy). I have found that trying to get OUTSIDE and breathe some nice FRESH AIR and get SUNLIGHT is great—even just 15 or 20 minutes. But really? I lose weight best when I go to the gym every morning and do my “45 minutes on the elliptical machine while watching a t.v. show on my portable dvd player.” It doesn’t feel like work even though I’m sweating so I KNOW I’m working because it’s so FUN to get to watch something I really like. I lose myself in it and the time flies by. Plus, I avoid all of the icky rock music of the gym by my noise-canceling earphones and the dvd of what I want to watch.

4. Quit the sugar fix! Again, another hard one for me. But I find that if I don’t limit sugar, then I just keep gaining weight! So I try to “do as I say” (this is what we tell Sophie all the time) ... and “enjoy sugar in moderation.”

5. Avoid deep-fried foods: Again, no rocket-science here ... but when I eat stuff that I know is really bad for me (deep-friend cheese sticks! Yum!), I don’t lose weight and usually I GAIN weight.

6. Wear pants with waistbands! I know this may sound silly/dumb, but I really think that when I moved into those stretchy black pants, I just kept gaining and gaining and ended up at a weight that I NEVER would’ve EVER thought I’d be at! But if I couldn’t fit in my clothes earlier on, that MIGHT have helped me (even just a tiny bit) with those whole battle.

So that’s what comes to mind. No magic pill! But it is a grace to even be engaged in the battle.

I still have a long way to go before I’m a healthy weight again! But one day, one eating decision at a time. And grateful (not condemning!) thoughts for even tiny steps of progress.

Happy Wednesday to you all and g'nite!

Yours,
Tara B.

The other day, I realized that I haven’t been posting that many blogs on my (continual) battles of faith’s fight against sin regarding overeating/gluttony/idolatry of food.

I wonder if some of you MAY be thinking, “Hmmmmmmmmm ... Tara’s not blogging re: food. I hope she’s not giving in to her temptations and going ‘round the ol’ bend of licentiousness (and thus, adding on the pounds again!).”

If so ... I do have good news for you ... it’s actually been a fairly sweet season of continual growth in this area. (And I mean growth in grace, NOT growth in pants size.)

- I’ve held pretty consistent at my “minus 55 pounds” weight for awhile now.
- I’m mortified when I (have to!) see myself in my video series. (BLECH! Not a healthy/God-honoring weight for me.)
- And big news! I wore JEANS today.

I have to say ... it wasn’t the most comfortable day I’ve ever had. Stretchy black pants are SOOOO much easier to wear! But it WAS a good day to have a tangible reminder of God’s grace because these jeans are (literally!) five sizes smaller than the ones I wore at my highest weight.

(Yes, yes ... I think I’m still a good 15 pounds away from them actually being COMFORTABLE. But still. Progress is progress and I AM grateful.)

I’ll tell you, one of the most helpful aspects of this battle for me has been GETTING HELP within the Body.

- I’ve been encouraged by some email buds.
- I have three friends here in Billings that also struggle in this area and we’ve committed to weekly accountability and regular prayer for one another.
- And Fred has been doing great being more intentional about actually asking me about this area and encouraging me too.

All in all, I’d say that I’m still a good 45 pounds away from a healthy weight where I can most effectively serve God and others.

(And of course the temptation to get caught up in a certain size or weight–and just turn from one idol to a different idol!–is always there. Probably will be with me my entire life until Glory.)

But I am grateful to God and to my friends who are helping me. And just so you know ... I do pray for every single reader of this blog who struggles with food too.

We know food isn’t the problem!
(The problem is our hearts!)

But praise be to God! He has made a way for our hearts to be justified AND sanctified.
What a God! What a Savior!

Jesus is sweeter than the sweetest of food.

Blessings to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

One of the great aspects of working hard to lose 100 lbs is the sense that I am doing something good and wise for my heart. (My physical heart that is–I’m not talking metaphorically here about idols or worship or anything.)

High blood pressure, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, and heart disease all run in my family–and I was well aware of all of that during the three years I spent in that “morbidly obese” BMI grouping after the birth of Sophia.

Anyway ... as I have baby-stepped my way back down into a mere “overweight” BMI (which may sound AWFUL to some of you–but if you’ve ever struggled with food and weight, you’ll know this is actually a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL thing from our perspective!) ... I thought it might be wise to have some blood work drawn and do a little cardiac work-up.

We won’t know anything “for sure” until tests are run, etc. (and then, of course, nothing is “really” for sure) ... but I was truly blessed by my time with a certain doctor this morning:

- He treated me with respect. I was prepared for our time together and I had a number of questions to ask him. He took the time to educate me and answer my questions–and he never made me feel stupid for asking them.

- He didn’t “overpromise” (medicine is an art, right?) but he was encouraging too. One of the biggest encouragements for me was to learn that this fear I have that I am “flooding my heart with adrenaline” and “taking years off of my life” because of my type-A personality has, in fact, been shown to NOT be true on a purely “numbers” basis. (I.e., studies have been done and personality typing is NOT a risk factor for heart disease/heart attacks.) Of course ... I may still want to work on being more calm and gentle for OTHER reasons (I do!), but I don’t need to worry or feel guilt/stress about this ONE aspect of my life. (Hooray!)

- He listened. Explained. And THEN made a recommendation. And after that? He reminded me that it is my health and my body and in his office, there will always be a “shared decision making process.” (I.e., if I decide to NOT follow his advice, he will support my decision because his recommendation is only that–a recommendation. Of course, he’s the doctor, not me. So Fred and I will prayerfully consider what he says and give it a lot of thought.)

What a gift of grace to have access to this doctor! (Yes, yes ... our family has paid THOUSANDS of dollars in medical bills this year alone. But it’s still a grace to have this kind of access, counsel, and the ability to pay our bills too. Grace grace grace!)

Hope you’re all having a great Monday.

I’m totally in the ZONE for working hard because I HAVE TO have all FOUR of my outlines to Peacemaker Ministries today for the four workshops I am teaching at their Annual Conference next month in North Carolina:

1. How Can I Submit When I Know He’s Wrong?
2. Biblical Hope (and Help) for Women with Powerful Personalities
3. Mediating the Miserable Christian Marriage: An Advanced Case Study
4. Peacemaking for Preschoolers (and Their Mothers!)

Thanks for any prayers you care to send my way!

God bless and much love,
Tara B.

If ever there were a day to go off of my “diet” ... today was the day.

(OK, OK, it’s not really a “diet” per se ... but a “lifestyle change” to help me reach my “health goals.” Got it. Whatever. I sure did NOT feel like trying this morning.)

- I was up before 6:00AM like usual and would’ve just headed out with Lili for our walk ... BUT ... after my Bible reading (another commitment I’ve made ... no email until I’ve spent time in the Word!), I checked email because I am very concerned about a friend. She had emailed and I wanted to write back–and by the time I was done, I heard the pitter-pat of little feet upstairs.

- So then my choice was: exercise by walking the dog and going to the gym OR climb back into my crisp white sheets with my best friend and my darling cuddle-bug. Yeah, really tough to pick which one I did. Cuddle time city!

- But after some giggling and reading and just hanging out, the conversation with Fred got a little hard and painful for me as we talked about a certain relationship in my life that is just consistently unpleasant. Uh-Oh! Emotional downturn. Feeling sad and rejected, judged and disdained ... mostly just IGNORED and FORGOTTEN. So how did I respond?

- OF COURSE! I said, “Forget this! Who wants to eat healthy today and go work out?! Let’s go to PERKINS and EAT PANCAKES!!!!!!” (And I was thinking, “And then I’ll come home and drown my sorrows in junk food and laziness as I run away and hide all day long.”)

But here comes the MIRACLE: I didn’t.

I didn’t go to Perkins.
And I DID go and walk the dog.

I even went to the gym–and GET THIS! ... As I was trying to maneuver out of my car (with my towel, water bottle, dvd player, headphones, etc.), I grabbed an old half-drunk protein fake-chocolate (ick!) shake that I was going to throw away ... and I DUMPED IT all over myself!!!!! Sticky, embarrassing ICK!

(I mean SERIOUSLY ... don’t you think I could’ve bailed THEN? But no. I have no pride. I wiped up what I could and then went INTO MY GYM and did my hour even with a big splotch on my t-shirt and a strange proteinated fake-chocolate smell on my dvd player and towel. Ugh.)

ANYWAY ... I wanted to give God the praise for this amazing turn of events.

I also wanted to share with you some of the thoughts that helped me to repent (especially to try to encourage all of you who have so graciously emailed me and shared of your own continuing struggle with overeating/sloth):

1. I remember I had a FLASH of a teaching I say a lot (when I’m speaking on idolatry / biblical change). I thought to myself: Faith is doing what doesn’t seem natural. The most natural thing in the WORLD for me to do when I felt hated and rejected was to HIDE and EAT. That would come easily because I have a lot of practice at it. But it would take FAITH ... it would demand a POWERFUL WORK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT to respond in a different (healthy, God-honoring, less-selfish/self-centered) way. And I prayed, “Please, God. Please help me.”

2. For the first time in a LONG time, I remember that I thought to myself (in that MOMENT–in the heat of the battle!): "Sure, Tara, you can go ahead and overeat. And for a few MOMENTS, you will have the temporary sense of mood alteration that comes when we overindulge. But the FOUNDATIONAL PROBLEM (of that broken relationship) will still be there AND YOU’LL BE FAT (and probably continue to get fatter). And I thought to myself, “Good point. Nothing good to be gained here.”

3. I remembered what my friend Amy taught me once about the DAY AFTER we enjoy a treat meal. She said that if she goes to a party and enjoys a rich meal or if it’s a holiday and there are a lot of sweet treats, she doesn’t struggle that much during the actual day. She just enjoys the treats. But it’s the NEXT day that is her battlefield because her body says, “More! More! More!” And she has to strive hard to be diligent and disciplined on that SECOND day. And since Fred and I had enjoyed our “one treat meal a week” meal last night (Pizza! Yum! Worth every calorie. ) ... I thought, “Tara, your body is saying, ‘More! More! More!’ Don’t give in. Beat it back into submission. Walk that dog and get to the gym and eat something healthy.”

And miracle of miracles–I did.

So here I sit at 5:30 having enjoyed a good day.
Not a perfect day–but a good day.

I tried to be mindful of Who God is and Who I am in Christ.
I tried to relax and be in the moment with Sophia–to treasure this fleeting season of having such a fun and interesting and sweet little preschooler.
And I tried to not slip into that RUT of thinking and behavior that tempts me to despair.

God always gives us a way out, right?!
Therefore–we flee temptation.

Hope this encourages someone along life’s journey!

Remember–you are not alone.
And even in your temptation and sin–you are not unique.
We’re all right there with you.
And God gives us more grace.

God bless you!
– Tara B.

Isn’t it interesting how delicious healthy foods taste when you take a break from overindulging in junk foods?

I’ve had a horribly stressful day and it was true grace that I didn’t sin with food (like I am sorely, sorely, SORELY tempted to do all the time).

But a few minutes ago, I was genuinely hungry and I had the most wonderful bowl of strawberries, blueberries, and even a few raspberries from our own backyard. I also had a yummy handful of carrots.

Seriously? This is a true grace.
And I’m marveling at how yummy healthy food tastes when you’re genuinely hungry.

Hope you’re all having a much better day than I am.



Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Just a little update (about an hour after I wrote this post) ...

I was thinking that I had survived a bummer of a day and then, guess what? I just slammed/dropped a very heavy drawer on the top of my foot!! So now I’m limping around on a black/green/bleeding bruised foot. Blech blech blech. What a day. I’m looking forward to SLEEP.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in the basement lately. Our temperatures have been in the high 90’s and it’s just so cool down here that I really like it. Plus, I’ve been working on a big editing project, and it’s a good workspace for me.

Anyway ... being down here reminds me of the “summer of many surgeries” years ago when I worked very hard to lose weight and get in shape to “try again” to get pregnant. (I spent a lot of time in the basement because I couldn’t go up and down stairs easily and since I was mostly in bed, it was the best place to be.)

I remember so specifically how little I ate and how healthily I ate.
I remember exercising (even after successive knee surgeries) and trying so hard to be strong and fit.
I remember losing 10 lbs, 20 lbs, 30 lbs and being the strongest and healthiest I’d been since I was 18 years old.

And I remember looking in the mirror and thinking:

"I will NEVER gain back this weight. Never."

Little did I know that, not only would I gain back THAT weight, I’d ADD ON AN ADDITIONAL 70 lbs before my peak of overindulgence and hiding and idolatrous / addictive use of food was over.

(Blech blech blech! What a drag.)

Being down here in the basement, I have been REALLY tempted to DWELL ON “what could have been” ... IF I hadn’t gained the weight; IF I had stayed strong and fit; IF I hadn’t been such a sinful / wasteful / stupid person, etc. etc. etc.

But then it hit me:

There is absolutely NOTHING to be gained by dwelling on what “might have been” and then KICKING MYSELF over my sin/foolishness/humanness. Such condemnation does NOT testify to the forgiveness that I have in Christ. Such condemnation does NOT encourage me in faith’s fight against sin today. It’s just wasted energy that neither glorifies God nor loves my neighbor.

And so, by faith, I am striving to NOT dwell on all that stuff in the past. But instead, to take life one day, one hour, one eating decision at a time.

Like today.
It’s been SUCH a good day in many regards ...

- I have been blessed by a true friend who helps me with Sophia and then lavishly allows us to get to spend time with her daughter too. (This is a real blessing for our family!)

- I had the joy of helping a friend this morning for a couple of hours AND I learned a lot and was greatly encouraged by our conversation as we labored.

- One of my projects this week introduced me to a wonderful young woman–fresh out of college–who was simply a DELIGHT to spend time with. She blessed my socks off.

BUT ... my day also had some painful aspects to it. And honestly? After a day of exercising and eating healthily and drinking lots of water ... come 5:00 I was JUST SO TEMPTED TO EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT.

It was like:

- Who CARES that I got to spend time this weekend pruning out my closets of clothing that is too big now!? (Hey–regarding that, I have a bunch of plus sized cute CJ Banks clothing that I was thinking about trying to sell on Ebay, but I’d much rather give it all away if you or someone you know would benefit from it. Drop me an email if you’re interested.)

- Who CARES that this morning I got to wear a super-cute top that the ladies bought for my dvd taping last March, but I couldn’t wear then because it was too small ... but it fit today!? (30 lbs does make a difference.)

- Who CARES that I have more energy and I take less medicines for my back because my pain level keeps going down and down and down!?

- Who CARES that I have been a (slightly) better role-model for Sophia when it comes to stewarding health!?

In that MOMENT ... when I’m tired and sad and stressed and I feel REJECTED (again) ...

My propensity is to sin.
But God gives us more grace!
He ALWAYS provides a way out.

I literally begged God: PLEASE help me to remember ONE TRUE THING ABOUT YOU in THIS moment! Please help me to NOT dull off my grief or sadness, but experience my emotions with faith and a God-centered focus that testifies to Your goodness and Your Fatherly care. PLEASE, God, help me to be honest about my ... my ... my anger? Resentment? Frustration? Hurt? Whatever it is ... I can never DEAL WITH IT BIBLICALLY if I keep hiding from it and dulling it off.

And so I didn’t stop at ANY restaurants on the drive home. (Not even the “healthy” ones. Do you ever try to justify things like that? )

I tried to STOP and THINK about a reasonable, healthy meal that I could eat. And then I ate it.

And now–I am praying. And remembering.
(NOT eating a blizzard with extra toppings.)

A modern day miracle.
Truly!

Some of you won’t get this at all. You just don’t have this temptation in your life.
I say, “Hooray!”

But for those of us who struggle, I say ...
You are not alone.
God is good!
Let’s run to HIM.

Amen?
Amen.

God bless you, my friends!

Yours,
Tara B.

*UPDATE*
I’ve had the joy of sharing the clothing with some of our friends!
(So they’re all gone now.)
But hey! Maybe I’ll have some more to give away in a couple of months?!?
Love to all! – tkb
*UPDATE*

Diane asked a pointed question in a recent comment and I thought I’d post my reply here in case it might encourage/help others.

Here is her question:

"Tara, how are you losing the weight? I need to lose the amount of weight you did when you started. I was doing so well, but my biggest problem is with PMS. Any suggestions?"

Sweet Diane! I’m so sorry to hear that you have this hard goal to accomplish. I think that discipline with eating and exercise–and striving to lose a huge amount of weight!–are all just incredibly, incredibly hard things to do.

But I do believe that God helps us to honor Him with our bodies ... to turn away from the mood-altering addictive qualities of making an idol of food and lazy/slothful/unhealthy/escapist tendencies with our activity levels too. It’s just that for some of us, this could definitely be a lifelong, daily battle until we go Home.

ANYWAY ... to answer your question specifically, some of the things that I think have been helping me with my spiritual/physical battle to lose this weight are:

- My husband, pastors, and a few close friends have been praying for me and helping me. I am honest about my struggle and how my weight gain is really just symptomatic of a heart/spiritual problem ... and they are encouraging, loving, but directly confrontational at times too. I think this prayer and accountability are foundationally important–it brings my sin out of the darkness and into the Light.

- I gave up all soda for the calendar year. I just had to do it because I was overindulging in both diet and “regular” sodas and simply wanting them WAY too much. The thing is–giving up soda has helped with other eating temptations too. (Somehow, that greasy nasty whatever is just a little less appetizing without the wonderful fizz of a “real coke” to cut through the gunk.)

- I really have been exercising more. I’m an early riser by habit and I’m happiest when I just get out there and exercise FIRST THING. I was going to the gym every morning until we lost the baby, and since then I’ve been much more faithful to walk Lilikoi two and three times a day. Honestly? I forgot how much effort walking takes! (Especially when you’re lugging around an extra 40 or 50 lbs!) Being so sedentary on this vacation has really made my legs SORE–I’m actually looking forward to getting home and getting back into the routine.

- I’m drinking TONS of water. (Giving up the soda has really helped with this.) And I add those “Emergen-C” packets of vitamins to a few of them throughout the day AND take a handful of (I hope) healthy vitamins each day and I’m hoping that this is helping my health (even if only psychosomatically ).

Hmmmmmmm ... in looking back on what I wrote I wonder if I should even post this. There surely is NO new information in: 1) deal with the wrong worship/spiritual/heart root; 2) eat less sugar; 3) exercise; 4) drink water.

But since you asked, I wanted to be sure to respond.

I’ll be curious to see what weight I’m at when I get home from this trip. I was down 50 lbs when we left and I bought some new summer capris right before we left and BUMMER (???) they’re feeling baggy now. (I say bummer because YAY weight loss! But BUMMER to spend money on clothes if they’re not going to last very long. You know–going up and down with weight is just BAD STEWARDSHIP too. Ugh.)

OK–It’s 1:00AM and I REALLY should try hard to get some sleep.

It was a good day–a VERY good day, actually. (I could tell you a hundred stories but let me just brag on my sweet, now SO grown-up youngest nephew. You know–his mom actually posed him as a one month old on Fred’s lap back fourteen years ago so that Fred could go back to grad school after a trip home and “just happen” to show a certain young woman (me!!) how PATERNAL he was. I WAS smitten and I still cherish that photo!! Now Samuel is racing toward six feet tall and playing Fred’s old trumpet in a jazz band! I just can’t believe it. But then I know it’s him because I have loved that young man for fourteen years now and prayed for him and cheered him on and I just cherish his sweet heart. He is athletic and brilliant and musical and funny and CUTE ... but it is his kind, sweet heart that makes this auntie cry even just sitting here in the living room all by myself.)

BUT ... I’m very, very tired. Two weeks of constant (constant!) interacting with people has this little ol' introvert a tad FRIED. So here’s hoping I can crash out before too long.

God bless you, Diane! Please do stay in touch and let me know how you are doing–wherever you are in the world. Remember! You are not alone in the battle. This sin HAS been conquered in us already. No matter what it feels like, it is NOT our master. No temptation has seized us except what is common to man. God always gives us a way out. He battles for us. For it is GOD who works in us!!

For His glory.
For our good.

Love you all and happy, blessed Tuesday to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

It hit me that I haven’t posted on my “peace with FOOD” struggles in a little while, so I thought I’d share a little something that’s been new for me in 2007 ...

I gave up SODA for the ENTIRE YEAR.

Yup–I haven’t had ANY soda (not even diet!) since December.
And MAN has it been STRANGE.

First of all–it’s been hard. (I knew it would be. That’s why I was compelled to give it up. I didn’t WANT to!)

Second of all–it’s helped me to say NO to a LOT of fast food. (Somehow that greasy stuff doesn’t seem as appealing without the ACID of soda to cut through it and make it more palatable. Fries & WATER? Eeek! Ick.)

Thirdly–MAN have I been drinking a LOT of water. I’ve probably drank more water in the last four months than I’ve drank in the last four YEARS because I really was drinking way too much soda.

And lastly–I’m very, very grateful to God for giving me the grace to repent in this way.

Soda in and of itself is not the problem–the problem is ME.
My heart.
My desires.
My “Monster Wants” (to quote The Young Peacemaker).

I was overindulging in soda just like I am tempted to overindulge in so many other things.
What could’ve been an “innocent pleasure” had turned an ugly corner into a RULING LUST that was seeking to control me.

Simply said–I wanted it too much.
And so I had to give it up.

Maybe God’ll give it back to me.
(Fred says he’ll be standing there at 12:01AM, January 1 with a nice cold COKE in his hands for me. )

Or maybe I’ll have to give soda up forever.

Whatever the case–this I know.
Jesus is sweeter.
And by God’s grace–I want to OBEY more than I want to enjoy that (Um! Yum!) delicious soda.

Grace grace grace.
Thank You, God.
And God bless you all who, like me, struggle with making an idol out of food.

Your friend,
Tara B.

Dear friends,

I wanted to let you know that I have been experiencing a season of remembering that obedience is sweeter than selfish overindulgence ... in all of life, but especially in regards to food.

God has been incredibly gracious to make me literally BORED by my sinful overeating ... what an answer to prayer to have the food in my mouth become like dry sand, so little did it satisfy.

So I am day-by-day seeking to glorify God and ENJOY HIM with regards to healthful eating.

(This is, of course (as any of you know who read this blog!) ... a miraculous grace in my life.)

And I am grateful.

Please do let me know how I can be praying for YOU as you are in this similar battle (be in drugs, alcohol, television, sloth, shopping, credit card debt, gambling ... whatever).

Remember–we are not alone!
And even at our worst, God’s love for us never wavers.

Obedience IS sweeter!

I send you my love,
Tara B.

I know that you’re out there.
Statistically, it must be true.

Some of the people reading this blog just DON’T struggle with gluttony / idolatry of food on a regular basis.

Sure, you may occasionally overindulge. A delicious meal or treat may tempt you.
But your DAILY life does NOT revolve around food.

Healthful, happy, God-honoring EATERS ... would you PLEASE tell us what your life is like?
Just to encourage those of us who struggle.

What’s it like to enjoy food for nutrition and innocent pleasure?
(Rather than giving into slavish temptations for TASTE and becoming BOUND by dark, warped “pleasure” that leaves you unhealthy, tired, physically ill, guilty, burdened, sad.)

Is it really possible to turn away from sugar? Unhealthy fats? Lifetime patterns of unhealthy, escapist eating?

What does it look like for real change to take place?
- Prayer
- Scripture
- Community/Body help
- Accountability and encouragement

Really? Is it possible?

Yes.
Yes.
Of course, yes.

But even the desire for repentance is a gift of grace!
How I pray for repentance that is evidenced by consistent deeds.

Please pray for me!
And please pray that each one of us would love God more than anything or anyone else in all the world.

Thanks, friends.

With love on this blessed Sabbath morn,
Tara B.

So I was doing pretty well with my disciplines of eating and exercise. It was GREAT to lose some weight (for those of you who don’t know, I am struggling with around 70 lbs of excess weight and a habitual, idolatrous pull to the sin of gluttony). I felt better, I had more energy, and overall, my life was more worshipful of the LORD instead of myself.

But then I had a really unpleasant conversation with a friend (who is like a size 6 and as far as I know has never struggled with overeating). She was criticizing how I was eating and exercising and was telling me how I’m doing everything wrong, etc. etc.

And I guess I just reverted to my two-year-old-pitty-pot-tantrum ways because the very next stay I started compulsively eating again.

UGGGGGHHHHH!

For those of you who don’t struggle with food, I’m sure you can’t relate. But for those of you who DO struggle with food and sinful, faithless, compulsive overeating ...

- Do you ever eat food that you DON’T EVEN WANT and you wonder WHY IN THE WORLD you just ate that?

- Isn’t it just GROSS how COMPLETELY UNSATISFYING overeating is? And yet, that TINY (temporary, momentary) feeling of satiation is SUCH a pull, isn’t it? MAN! I swear that I’d be a cocaine addict if I ever (God-forbid!) took a street drug.

- Are any of you hooked on SUGAR? I go back and forth with this battle ... but it sure is true that when I’m OFF of sugar, my life is better. But when I overindulge, it affects every area of my life.

I’m ashamed to write all of this! I wish I could post months and years and even decades of daily obedience; right worship of God and healthful use of nutrition.

But I’m obviously still in the battle and I wanted to encourage any of you who can relate that you are not alone!

(Oh, and if your habitual wrong worship ISN’T food, what is it? Thinness? Discipline? Exercise? Television? Shopping? Work? Reading? Sex? Anger?)

Time to break out my CCEF books on Pleasure and Addiction again, eh?

Our hearts really are restless until we find our rest in Christ! (Thanks, Augustine.)

Even this very day, may we turn to the Lord
and be SATISFIED by his UNFAILING LOVE!

His love IS better than life.
(And food.)

Amen & Amen

Recently, World Magazine had a fascinating interview with Lancaster Bible College and Graduate School professor Stephen J. Nichols. The topic was his new book, Heaven on Earth: Capturing Jonathan Edward’s Vision of Living in Between.

The article contained so many pithy quotes that I’m sure I’d be violating some copyright law if I were to try to capture them all, but I wanted to bring a few ideas to your attention. (I’m also hoping to entice some of you to order his book so that we can discuss it together—after reading the article, I immediately logged onto Amazon to order it.)

First of all, Dr. Nichols points out how Edwards posited that Christians can and should be “happified.” That is, one of Edwards’s appeals to his congregation was that we should be Christians “because of the pleasure it brings in this life.”

(Are you thinking, “Huh? Isn’t this the Jonathan Edwards who preached on “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God?” Yes, yes it is. But it is also the same Jonathan Edwards who preached on “Heaven is a World of Love” and “The Pleasantness of Religion.” According to Dr. Nichols, Jonathan Edwards frequently made the winsome case that Christianity is pleasure-full.)

The second idea I wanted to tell you about (and that I’m looking forward to reading more about in his book) is the idea that Edwards “explains that seeking pleasure without any checks or balances can actually boomerang to pain. Who hasn’t been to a smorgasbord, only to waddle out muttering, “Why did I eat so much?” Edwards shows us the proper pursuit of pleasure. The sting of conscience can eclipse pleasure, but Christians may pursue pleasure “peaceably” and not in “slavish fear.” We can enjoy sensory pleasure because we realize that God has made this world for us to enjoy and to savor, or as Edwards would put it, to relish.”

Isn’t that a beautiful reminder of what innocent pleasure—or true pleasure—really is? Not the obsessive, wanting, “slavish” (and dark/false!) “pleasure” of addictive escapes or tantrums against God when we don’t get what we want. But truly relaxing, refreshing, beautiful, lovely pleasure that draws us to worship God rightly and to thank Him for His gifts and mercies.

What true pleasures will you enjoy this weekend?
What “dark pleasures” are you (and I!) tempted to withdraw too—that will only temporarily satiate us but will then leave us feeling discouraged, burdened, ashamed, and guilty?

May God give us grace to live as “happified” Christians!
Blessed be the Name of the Lord!
Amen & Amen

I thought I’d let you know that I am currently en route home (a day early! yeah!) and it’s been four days of travel without sinning regarding food.

(Can I TELL you how hard it was when the business lunches brought into our meetings were my ALL TIME FAVORITE pizza & Chinese & sandwiches?!?! God is so gracious to help me to honor Him and not worship stupid ol' food.)

Anyway ... during the week, a dear friend wrote me a note in response to my previous blog and said this:

Hang in there - three days left of eating away from home. Hooray for the carrots! Getting over the hurdle is hard, but what an encouragement it will be in the future when you can say, “God has faithfully helped me through this before, and I can trust him to help me again!” and break the cycle.

Isn’t that true?
I keep thinking about it ... how encouraging it can be to look back (and REMEMBER!) how God has provided for us in the past. It helps us in the battle against unbelief, doesn’t it?

(Ah! Those “stones of remembrance!”)

I truly believe that her email contained some of THE most helpful and encouraging words I’ve heard ever on this food thing and my disorder or worship. THANK YOU, dear SJ!

And thanks to all of you who have dropped me notes to let me know you are praying.
I appreciate you!

Love,
Tara B.

OK ... those of you who don’t struggle with food probably just want to SKIP this post ... but for the rest of us (or those who love & pray for us), I just had to tell you this miraculous evidence of God’s grace in my life:

I have now been on the road for 48 hours. I’m in the most tempting situations (ASTOUNDINGLY delicious-looking pizza at a working lunch today; my FAVORITE caramel candies in the hotel vending machine; walked by Jimmy John Subs (ah! grad school!) in Chicago when I was there Monday night) ... and by God’s grace alone, I’ve kept to my protein/fiber/organic/vegi foods. I even bought a mini-bag of carrots. A miracle!

For those of you who can’t relate–I hope you don’t find this post disrespectful or overusing of the term “miracle.” But for me? KNOWING that my actions and feelings regarding food reflect a DISORDER OF WORSHIP? Well, any evidence of faith in Christ and discipline in eating is, to me (and my family and pastors and friends who pray for me) a true, tiny, beautiful glimpse of God’s grace and glory.

And I just wanted to say THANK YOU to all of you who are praying.

3 more days on the road. Could this truly, actually be the very first week of MY LIFE when I don’t sin with eating while traveling for work? Oh, please Lord, may it be so.

Grace grace grace!

Sending you love from PA,
Tara B.

I’ve probably mentioned this quite often in the past, but yesterday was such a perfect illustration of my depraved heart regarding food (and of God’s forgiving grace!), that I thought it might be encouraging to some of you to hear about my day.

For those of you who don’t know it, I’m in a continual battle of faith’s fight against sin against idolatrous worship and habitual lust/overindulgence/greed regarding food.

Could’ve been scotch or shopping or exercise or sex ... but for me, my unbelief and faithlessness manifests itself quite often in FOOD.

Anyway ... yesterday was going OK (eating-wise that is) ... until I got really really tired. And scared. (I found out in the morning that I’m going to be out of state again this week and as much as Fred and I embrace it as a wise decision, it’s still SOOOOOOO hard for me to be away.) Plus, I didn’t feel very well.

And then I “snuck” food.

What do you mean? How does a 36 year old woman “sneak” food? Doesn’t she just eat it?
Well, yes. But really? I snuck it because is HID it. From Fred. From Sophie.
(From God? Fat chance.)
(No pun intended.)

What a bad habit I turn to so very often!

But God was gracious to convict me and lead me to confess not only to Him but also to Fred.
And I am desperately grateful for mercies and forgiveness that are new this day.

Plus–I am really praying for faith and grace to persevere in God-honoring eating this week while I’m on the road with this consulting gig.

Oh the temptations!

1. Airports & restaurants
2. A corporate-paid per diem
3. Stress and exhaustion from working really, really hard

It’s like a TRIFECTA of temptations for me.

So if I flit through your heart, would you please pray for me? Please pray for my heart! That I would love God more than self. And food. (I’m ashamed to even write that!)

Oh, and also for a simple pleasure that I am REALLY hoping to be able to fit into the three pairs of shorts I own in time for our trip next month. It’ll take a miracle–but I’m hoping.

Thanks, friends!
And g'nite!
– Tara B.

Yesterday I did not feel well physically. But I really tried to “power through it” and have a good day for Sophia. We ran errands. Enjoyed a (lovely!) playdate with a friend. Read a LOT of books (which is a true evidence of God’s grace because when I don’t feel well, I’m often tempted to just “survive” and let her overindulge in videos–on a normal day, the rule is ONE video after nappies while we cuddle).

ANYWAY – when I feel weak. Sick. Upset stomach–icky ... well, it’s a REAL temptation for me to EAT EAT EAT. I think I tell myself that, somehow, eating will help me to feel better! Or maybe eating just has so much pleasure in it for me, that it helps to compensate for feeling gross.

But I’m SO tempted to drink soda ("The cola settles my stomach," I tell myself. Yeah. Right.)
And eat carbs ("Plain bread. A pretzel. This will help." Uh-huh. Really?)

But God was SO gracious in helping me to stay on my healthful & moderate (and can we PLEASE lose these excess pounds!) eating plan. I still felt gross, but at least I didn’t have to deal with the guilt of sinning too.

Thank You, Lord!!
And good morning, friends!

Yours,
Tara B.

So my “food ladies” and I continue to meet.

Anyone out there have a better name for us? I know I’m Presbyterian and everything, but still ...

"Women who struggle with the idol of SELF and manifest their idolatry with overeating and other overindulgences BUT who are saved by grace and growing in grace more and more every day AND who are committed to helping one another in FAITH’S FIGHT AGAINST SIN"

just seems like TOO LONG of a name. Even for ol' stodgy Reformed-thinkin' me. )

ANYWAY ... I’ve been (again!) very convicted lately about the DEBT of extra weight that I am currently in and God is graciously leading me to repentance and CHANGE. (Again!)

Just as I was a slave to my creditors back when I was in debt ... (Did I ever tell you that story? $73,000 in student loans and consumer debt at age 27. Thought I’d be in debt for 32 years instead of 2 years.) ... I am currently a slave to my “creditor” of being overweight (I “owe” my body like 80 lbs. in order to be a faithful and wise steward.)

PLUS, of course, I am miserable in my sin. (Thank God!)

As I met with “my food ladies” over the last few weeks, at times I was repentant and at other times I was JUST MAD. Two weeks ago, I was REALLY mad–not wanting to submit. Not wanting to repent. And in response to my, “Look at me! I am a wreck! What a mess! What hope is there for me?!?” questions, my dear, wonderful, wise, loving friend “Kate” simply said, “Ah, Tara, my hope is this ... such rebellion and anger and rage is the inevitable last step before we repent.”

And of course she is right.

The flesh does NOT want to die. It tries to squirm off the cross every single day.

Thank God that His grace is greater than my sin! And He does lead me in repentance. And faith.

And thank God for the Church! How do people survive apart from the Church? I just don’t know.

PS
Another brilliant, wonderful, loving friend said something at that same meeting that has stuck with me. They know that I tend to do “boot camps” where I really “hunker down” for a period of time and I usually do end up losing weight, exercising more, and being more spiritually disciplined. But then? When it’s over? It’s so easy to go back to my old patterns.

Anyway – this friend, “Sarah,” said this ... “Tara, I wouldn’t be so afraid of the scale. Of course, trying to meet some societal ideal is crazy and ungodly and will just lead to bondage. BUT, if you know your healthy / strong / good steward / good example for Sophie weight ... and if you are ”checking in" periodically to see how you are doing, then if you start to go UP UP UP, the next week is a “boot camp week” to help you address whatever health / discipline / heart issues need help."

OF COURSE. Catching it & getting help at 2 or 3 pounds INSTEAD of at 80. Makes sense, eh? Wish I’d thought of it.

Grace abounds.

Love ya!
– t

Remember! Sometimes we really do need to legitimately rest and withdraw a bit (especially for those of us who are introverted by temperament). But every time we withdraw from something, we ALWAYS withdraw TO something.

Oh that we might withdraw to GOD and learn to rest in godly, righteous, faith-full ways! (Rather than compounding our exhaustion with the burden of SIN.)

—

Do you ever overindulge in food and then feel TOTALLY GROSSED OUT?
– Oh that we might pray for the grace to remember that “this isn’t as great as we thought it would be.”
– STOP! Think about it. Those Pez candies aren’t as wonderful as I remember them to be. Icky sugar overload. Need water. Icky tummy.

—

Do you ever eat because REALLY you’re having a big ol' adult tempter tantrum? You know, "I give so much ... SO MUCH ... nobody really appreciates me. I think I’ll go and eat this entire package of cookies / bowl of cookie dough / etc. etc."
– I do.

I’m like a two-year-old. I want EVERYTHING I want and I DON’T want there to be any consequences. RIGHT.

So what hope is there for us? Simply this ... God battles for us. And His resolve is MUCH MUCH (MUCH!) greater than even our bent nature and bondage to sin. HE is conforming us to Christ and HE will do this work in us.
– Oh that we might remember the times when Christ was sweeter!

And in remembering, we change.
– Remember! Patterns do NOT get changed by WIDE SWEEPS, but by one time. This time. And then the next time too.

Thank You, God, that You never give up on us!
Amen!

A few weeks ago, I began meeting with a very small group of women who all struggle with making an idol out of food. With their permission (and hopefully with any and all identifying information removed so as to honor their stories without broadcasting their names to the world), I hope to share how we are progressing in faith’s fight against the sins of gluttony and idolatry of food.

Let me tell you about the first time we met. None of us had any idea what direction to go. ("We’re not reading a book together or doing any sort of “diet” – all of us are convinced now that our struggles go far deeper than “eat more vegetables and avoid sugar and white flour.”)

We opened in prayer and began by reflecting on the question, "What is my temptation? (I.e., what is my snare? I think I blogged about that already ... my snare is my self-indulgence and my deceptive thoughts that say, “I need this.” "I deserve this.")

One woman, let’s call her Samantha, shared a number of citations of verses that have helped her as she has memorized them and placed them all over her home: Psalm 25:15, 1 Corinthians 10:15, Hebrews 12:1-2, 2 Peter 1:3-4, Titus 2:11-13.

And then another woman added Proverbs 5:11-14 ... that REALLY resonated with me! “How I hated discipline!” It’s true. It’s true.

We then began to share specifics as to “what does it (our sin) look like for us?” I went first ... I work really, really hard and get a LOT done. And as soon as Sophia is asleep (in a nap or down for the night), I “reward” myself with food. And television (DVDs of old shows/movies especially). It’s almost like the distraction of food and television gives me an “excuse” to not be pushing and working so hard.

(Strange, isn’t it? Why do I need an excuse to rest? What lies am I believing when I tell myself that I have to keep working constantly?)

Then another woman shared her story – we’ll call her Kellie. (Oh, and if you’d like to picture her ... she is GORGEOUS. Thin/fit. Stylish. LOVELY. It’s not just those of us in stretchy pants that struggle, right? For many years, I have had the same struggle and the same sin ... but I exercised enough to keep it hidden. Yes, those years are over and yes, I’m 100 lbs to the “unhealthy” end of the spectrum ... but the issue is the HEART HEART HEART. Hmmmmmmmmmm ....... 'Course, "Change isn’t change until change takes place." So YES, true repentance leads to change. But BOY – we’re back to the gospel, right? For only the gospel leads to heart change and it is the KINDNESS of God that leads us to repentance, right? MAN – this Christian life thing sure is hard.)

ANYWAY ... back to “Kellie” ... her story went all the way back to childhood with ongoing struggles with both anorexia and bulimia. She shared of a ruling lust of CONTROL. Like all of us, Kellie talked of “courting” things and thinking that she can CONTROL them. But Scripture is clear ... when we worship false gods (idols), we become enslaved to them and in our functional idolatry, the “god” controls us. Well, temporarily at least. GOD IS STILL ULTIMATELY IN CONTROL, RIGHT??!!

How clearly I see this in my own life!
Faith’s fight against the sins of gluttony and worship of food in my own life shows me that the struggle is strong, severe, ongoing, and relentless.

Why? Because it is a first commandment issue of WORSHIP!

Do I worship God?
Or ME?
God?
Or an IDOL?

Do I overeat because I think, “I may never have food again.”
(Childhood flashback! Counting pennies from the penny jar to order a $5 pizza from Dominos ... that’s a lot of pennies.)

In that moment, do I believe the lie that, “If I don’t take care of myself, no one will!”??
Or do I trust CHRIST?

“Kellie” closed our time together with a great Oswald Chambers quote ... something to the effect of, “When we start our day, our hearts are often fixated on self and thinking, ”This is my day. This day is my own. I’ll accomplish and DO what I want." But truly? There are very few crises in life, just the one crisis ... the surrender of the will."

May those of us who love food pray for the grace and faith to turn away from that sin of affection such that the very thing that we once loved might become a sin of affliction.

For those of us who are so very TIRED TIRED TIRED of trying to satiate ourselves ... may we remember that God’s mercy wears us out. That we might repent. Believe. Remember.

Remember that Jesus is sweeter!

(Because the longer we continue to indulge in our sin, the longer we will feel defeated, miserable, angry, bitter, hopeless, and despairing. God truly loves us too much to allow us to be satisfied in anything or anyone other than Himself!)

Grace grace grace.

(I’ll be sure to let you know how things progress. Maybe I will be able to write that, “Peace with Food” book one of these days, eh?? )

Well – faith’s fight against the sin of GLUTTONY continues in my life. THANK GOD!

When I am tempted to give up, God’s grace constrains me to persevere. THANK GOD!

Let me tell you a little bit about some of the things that have been happening in my life to aid me in this battle ...

- Repentance: As I mentioned in a previous post (on bitterness), God has lovingly and gently shown me even a little more of my sin and still more of His majesty and power and has led me in repentance regarding my sinful anger towards Him. As we see so often, when I thought I was angry at people who had hurt me, really, I was rebelling against the goodness and sovereignty of God. Rather than trust Him, I was sulking, complaining, and accusing Him because things weren’t going “my way.”

How grateful I am for repentance! OF COURSE the problem is with ME! My heart. The overflow of my heart. Thank God for repentance! It is as though a 500 pound rock has been lifted off of my chest. Thank God! Praise His name!

- Help: As I always say when I teach on idolatry (and my overindulgence in food / treating food as an “escape” / my greediness concerning food are all just idolatry) ... the Christian life is NOT for lone rangers! We all need help and thank God–He has brought some women into my life to meet together, talk, share (confessing NOT complaining), and PRAY PRAY PRAY.

What is the first step of CHANGE? REMEMBERING. Remembering that Jesus is sweeter! I am so grateful for friends who are helping me to REMEMBER and to CHANGE.

- Over, under, fueled-by, motivated-by, existing because of ... THE GOSPEL: My dear friend encouraged me to re-listen to three sermons that one of my pastors (elder Rex Clark) preached on Applying the Gospel. What a wise friend! What a wonderful pastor! And what a gracious, redeeming, holy, loving, compassionate God we serve!!

How grateful I am for the gospel! (Listen to the three sermons yourself at Rocky Mountain Community Church (PCA) – just search for Rex’s sermons from July 24, 31, and August 7, 2005). What does it mean to lay hold of the gospel? To break the grip of sin?

I am a blessed, blessed woman.
And if you are in Christ–you, too, are blessed, blessed, blessed!

Even when it FEELS otherwise, the TRUTH is that we are NO LONGER SLAVES TO SIN.
God always gives us a way out. Amen and amen.

So I’m back in the battle again. Faith’s fight against sin and my habitual idolatry of food and other ruling lusts.

My husband is helping. My pastor and elder are helping. My friends are helping. And in fact, we’re starting up a small group of women who struggle in this area – to meet for prayer, teaching, mutual accountability, and encouragement.

AND I’ve reached out to a godly woman in my church for one-on-one discipling/help. I’ve asked her for help before and she has been a tremendous blessing to me over the years.

At the end of our first meeting, I knew that I had to prayerfully identify my sins. List them out. Bring them from darkness to light. For how can you repent of something if you won’t even admit that it exists? (I am so prone to hide.)

What about for our next meeting? I’m thinking “a plan,” "what to do next," “what I’ll report on,” etc. etc.

But what does she assign me to do? I have to come back with a written document of who I am in Christ.

Good assignment, eh? For apart from that, what matters anyway?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Just a note to let you know that I continue to struggle with my habitual sins of gluttony and sloth. How I can even begin my fall speaking schedule, I must admit, is a challenge. Today at breakfast I said to Fred, “I am a woman of such weak, weak faith.” And he replied, “Well, then, it’s a good thing that the Object of your faith is so very, very strong.”

Wise man! What a keeper.

But I do so struggle ... I mean, how can I teach on idolatry when I am such a horrible sinner!!?? I woke up this morning and thought, "How can I fly to MS this weekend and teach this material? I must not believe it! If I believed it, wouldn’t my life change??

But then, again, I guess if our pastors waited until they were delivered from their idolatry before they preached and taught on it, we’d all be in trouble, eh? No perfection in this life. Not for any of us humans. Still, it’s embarrassing to see my horrible, wretched, disgusting sin!

Those of you who have attended one of my events or read my book know that I am always, “Exhibit A of how not to be!” It’s really, really true. If only you knew how black my heart is. Truly–the ONLY thing good in me is Christ in me.

As I walked to the gym this morning (a tiny victory), I prayed, “Lord, please please please help my unbelief!”

And I was reminded of His forgiving, merciful care ...

Sunday getting ready for church, I turned on PILGRIM radio just as they were beginning to read Pastor John Piper’s Hunger for God (a phenomenal book on fasting). What a mercy! I had read it before, but I’m thinking I’d better re-read it. Pastor Piper is so wise! And everything he does is saturated with Scripture.

It was as though God gave me a huge, personalized gift with that broadcast on the very topic I am struggling with. Grace grace grace.

You know, if it were up to me, I think I would give up on me.
Just give up. Walk away. Run away!

But I am forever grateful that God never abandons His children or violates His covenant of grace.
And I am grateful for a godly model of Christ’s faithfulness in my beloved husband, Fred.

I am often unlovely and unlovable.
But, miraculously, I am loved dearly.

With these truths to quiet the condemnation in my heart and head, maybe I can go to sleep now ...

"In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." Hebrews 12:4

Man! Is that an understatement or what? I’ve not yet resisted to the point of shedding my own blood? Some days, I don’t even bother to get out of bed or even consider engaging in the battle at all. I abdicate, run away, hide. Though sin no longer masters me (Romans 6:14), I live as a functional pagan.

God have mercy on my soul!

He does. He does.

In the last ten days, I have had a major life change concerning faith’s fight against sin in my life ... specifically, my gluttonous, insatiable desire for more food than body requires for optimal health. Even more specifically, my idolatrous turning to food for comfort, “reward,” escape, happiness–instead of the Lord.

I won’t go into too many details, but a quick sketch of a timeline might look like this:

1. I sinned and sinned and sinned and sinned. I hid in darkness. I lied. I was deceptive and false.

2. God in His never-ending mercy gave me the gift of discipline. Specifically, I am now more overweight than the day I brought Sophia (all 10 lbs of her) home from the hospital – and many of you will remember than I gained 77 lbs with her pregnancy! This crushing weight is damaging my already-awful knees, back, etc. It saps my energy and is a terrible witness to my daughter. This excess weight is a loving rebuke–a convicting call to return to the Only One Who Can Truly Satisfy–Jesus Christ.

3. God’s gracious conviction of sin led me to (embarrassingly!) stand up in church during prayer time and ask for prayer–that I would turn from my idol and find myself solely in Christ. Humiliating to admit my sin! But light bringing & life giving too. Thank God for the Body of Christ.

4. I asked three people to hold me accountable daily–not just about food but about other habitual sin patterns in my life. They ask me hard questions. Remind me of who I am in Christ. Pray with me. Love me enough to get help if I fall back into old patterns. Thank God for these three!

5. Tomorrow I will begin meeting with a woman in the church who is trustworthy, loving, wise, mature, gracious, courageous, and safe for me. (She loves me enough to tell me the truth – but she never leaves me condemned. She points me to Christ!) All of my three “accountability partners” encouraged me to do so – and I was eager to! – because it is hard to really set aside time to seek the Lord with another woman.

So why do I tell you all this? (I wonder if anyone is even reading this far?) Because I covet your prayers, of course. But more so, because only Christ can motivate me for the long haul. Left to my own devices, motivated only by “thinness”, beauty, looking good in certain clothing, being a certain weight by a certain date, avoiding people’s criticisms, gaining people’s praises ... even “godly” motivations like being a good steward of my health, a good role model for Sophia, etc. etc. ... will not last!

They won’t! Trust me. I’ve been here before. Only Christ–the Living Christ!–can satisfy. It’s Pastor John Piper all over the place – God’s glory and my joy intersect. Christ Christ Christ.

Thank you for your prayers!
Love,
t

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:2-3

I recently had the honor of learning a little more about the struggles of a lovely, godly young woman who is struggling with anorexia and bulimia. As someone who has struggled her entire life with idolatry of food and overeating, I’ve been reflecting on how similar some aspects of our struggles are.

Isn’t it strange how society and especially the Church approve and even encourage our sin?

- “Wow! You look great! God sure is blessing you to make you so thin and beautiful. You must really be living a disciplined life by the power of the Holy Spirit to be so perfect!”
- “Come to Bible study – and eat these brownies, cookies, and cake! Don’t forget the Church potluck – we sure know how to pig out for Jesus! Our new small group ministry is organized entirely around meals – let’s Chat-N-Chew Chew!”

And also how “law - oriented” the counsel we receive often is:

- “Why don’t you just eat? It’s not so hard – just do it.”
- “Why don’t you just eat less, Tara? It’s not so hard – don’t snack between meals; eat more apples. Just do it.”

- “Don’t you see what you’re doing to your body? It’s not healthy!”
- “Come on, Tara! Don’t you see what all of these extra pounds are doing to your back, knees, heart? It’s not healthy!”

And yet ... we both actually suffer from the same eternal need ... Christ. She can look for satisfaction and joy in control and thinness. I can hide away with food and try to find contentment there. Ultimately, though, our idols will never satisfy. Not ultimately. And trying to “do good” will not last. Maybe for a day, an hour, an eating opportunity. But only the gospel of Jesus Christ can deliver our hearts from our sin.

Thank God for His saving grace! Please pray for us both. Amen and amen.

When I teach on idolatry (desires–even good desires–elevated to demands such that they become “gods” to us and we give them our time, attention, energy, emotions, thoughts, etc. Cf. James 4:1-3), I always share about my struggle with making an idol out of food.

Since I was a young child, I have habitually turned to food for escape, comfort, pleasure, and general happiness. As I have grown in the Lord, I have continued to struggle with the besetting sin of idolatry of food and gluttony.

Once, at the end of a women’s retreat I was teaching, I off-handedly mentioned how I’d like to write the book Peace with Food one day. More than one woman came up afterwards and said, “I would buy it!” But I had to respond, “I can’t write it yet, because I don’t have any!”

!!

Well, not yet, anyway.

But God is so great to give us everything we need for life and godliness through His Son, Jesus Christ (2 Peter 1:3).

He is so merciful to deliver us from our sins and change our hearts so that we develop a distaste and even hatred for our sins—things that once were enticing and “beautiful” to us are revealed for their true, disgusting, awful selves. For anything or anyone that would clamor for our worship and adoration other than God is a wickedness that we must pray for the grace and faith to turn away from.

Oh, that we would find our fullness and satisfaction in God alone!

The last two days I have been exhausted physically, emotionally, and relationally. I had two out of state trips last week (the last one culminating in a two-day mediation, the first one entailed taking 16-month-old Sophia on four connections as we flew across the USA—both situations exhausting in their own unique ways). On Sunday, I told Fred that I just wanted to eat, watch old TV shows, and totally veg-out because I was so tired. Do you know what he said?

“You can do that, of course, Tara. But you know, sleeping is really the only thing that will actually address your exhaustion.”

Of course he was right! The other “escapism” habits might temporarily feel good—but they would not draw me closer to God, deliver me from my besetting sins, or give my body and spirit the rest I needed. (Plus, I just end up gaining more and more weight and thus being a horrible example for Sophia and a terrible steward of the body God has given me to use for his glory.)

Thank God for Fred. And thank God for His mercies that are new every day. It truly is His kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4)!

“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” Psalm 25:15

“The grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say NO to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives …” Titus 2:11

“I turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he has raised from the dead—Jesus, who rescues me from the coming wrath.” 1 Thessalonians 1:9-10