considerable grace

What a grace it is to be with my friend, D.

I love being around her.
I love being in her home.
I love her marriage. Mind. Heart. Cooking skills. Faith. (Not in that order.)
I love her sons! (Is it too early to begin praying that one of them falls in love with Sophie in like 20 years???)

Mostly–I am just encouraged to believe in God’s love for me because of the kind, gracious, warm, inviting, faithful, PLEASANT love of this precious friend.

Thank you, God, for friends.
Amen & Amen!

PS
Thanks again for the sweet time at my Hanna City, Illinois event!

I hope you’ll all stay in touch ... and don’t forget that if you join our online discussion board (PeaceGals!) in the next week and email me your snail-mail address to let me know, I will enter your name in a drawing for a $99 Peacemaker Group Study!

Thanks again for the privilege of serving–
Tara B.

Tomorrow morning, Sophia and I will leave the skyscrapers of Chicago and enjoy some Midwestern farm fields on our way to Morris, Illinois.

Morris was a small town when I lived there in high school–10,000 or so people–and I remember it fondly for many reasons:

- Most importantly, it is the town where I was saved by God that fateful night my freshman year of high school. (Thanks again to all of my high school friends who shared the gospel with all of us messed-up teenagers and befriended us and prayed for us!)

- It is the school where I have some of my happiest memories related to music (jazz band & swing choir & musicals & accompanying) and speech team (SUCH a long story–but WOW! How grateful I am to Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Miller even to this day) and some really great friends who were true evidences of God’s grace to me during a tumultuous time of life (Brian, Kaleo, Chris, Carmen, Nancy).

- Of course, Morris is where my mom attempted suicide and I was called out of my physics class and had to go home alone and call 9-1-1 and pull her out of the oven and all of that. (So sad and scary!!) And then that very night I was tucked into Cindy (Livingston) West’s childhood bed in “Grandpa Paul and Grandma Donna's” home ("My Christian parents" who let me live there until I went off to college).

- And this wonderful “old, stodgy” (not!) conservative Lutheran church, Bethlehem Lutheran Church, became my FAMILY as I was fed by communion, preaching, corporate worship, prayer, the creeds & confessions, and ESPECIALLY the HYMNS. Oh, how I still love hymns and liturgy. Little ribbons tucking into specific pages so you can follow the service; sitting & standing & sitting & standing ... ummmmmmmmm ... there is something good about routine. Or at least there was something VERY good about stability and routine to that terrified, messed-up, scared, abandoned little teenage girl back in 1985.

ANYWAY ... it’s always strange and good and full of pathos to visit Morris.

Do you ever visit a “childhood home”-type area and have a FLASH/RUSH of emotions/feelings/thoughts as though you were still sixteen years old???

(I think of my first butterfinger blizzard (blizzards JUST came out during the 1980’s!) ... AND never feeling like I fit in at high school football games but going anyway ... AND driving my very VERY very old bright orange Datsun-B-210 that we called “Ducky” that men from my church kept running for years with their donated time and love and parts and duct-tape ... AND I think of how thrilling it was to have the one boy I really liked and respected and cared about in the entire school as me to PROM (we’re still friends to this day! He even has a daughter named Sophia Maria–fun, huh?) ... the highs of nailing a difficult accompaniment in a competition, the lows of being rejected by a group of friends I trusted and loved; Madrigals & French Club & short-term missions & every moment of every day scheduled in that frenzied teenage overachieving overinvolved sort of way ...)

You know, thinking about all that makes me REALLY grateful that I am 36. (Actually, I’ll be 37 in ten days because FRED turns 37 in two HOURS and he really “robbed the cradle,” eh?)

I’m glad to be 37.
I’m glad I’m not a teenager anymore.
I’m so grateful to be God’s child.
I’m so grateful for His Spirit, His Word, the Church.

I have a hard time believing that I have such a kind and gracious and loving and faithful husband and best friend.
And an amazing, snuggly daughter too? It’s just too overwhelming. Too wonderful. So sweet.

That I have such a close, true friendship with my sister? (And “her Fred” too?) What an evidence of God’s grace.
That I can say with assurance, “There IS a place for me in this world.”
(This is a good thing.)

I am not who I was.
And I am not who I one day will be.
But I am known. And saved. And being saved.
And, but God’s grace, because of Christ–I am loved and forgiven; justified and adopted; being sanctified.

Thank You, God, for Morris, Illinois!
I’m honored to bring Sophie there tomorrow to spend some time with the Livingstons and the Funtes ... and to have my present life (which is SO rich and dripping with grace) “bump into” my former life (where You were present and sovereign and good! but which was filled with so much sorrow too).

I love You, God.
Thank You for Your mercy.

Amen & Amen

Just a quick note to say hello from Chicago and let you all know that we’re having a grand time.

Sophie hasn’t stopped giggling yet as Uncle Fred and Aunt Kali shower her with love and attention and fun AND a great trip to the ZOO today.

And I was in my happy place too because when they all went on their zoo adventure, I got to stay home and ORGANIZE. Hooray!

(As you might imagine, with both of them working full-time jobs AND being with Marjorie every single day in the hospital for the last six weeks prior to her passing last Thursday, there were a few “piles” of “to-do's” around that I was MORE THAN happy to help out with. Filing? Writing checks? Paying bills? Sorting? Ahhhhhhhhh ... now THAT’s a vacation! )

(I know–I know–how weird am I??)

Anyway ... Grandpa Charlie and Grandma Kathy arrive tomorrow and then Sophie and I are OFF on our cross-Illinois to Peoria, pop into Iowa for some Whitey’s and friend-time, cruise on up to Galena/Dubuque for more friend-time, see Fred’s family, and then head back to Chicago adventure. I’ll be sure to let you know how it all goes.

Oh–and I’ve had TWO event inquiries since my pathetic little “doesn’t anyone want a speaker” blog posting last week! Isn’t that just great and merciful and all that? I’m excited at the possibility of serving.

God bless you all–
Happy Sabbath!

Yours,
Tara B.

Just a few pictures to show you how quickly Lili is growing–
We’re all enjoying her so much.

Happy Saturday!

Love,
Tara B.

Yes, yes ... this blog entry is all about shameless self-promotion. I admit it.
Be warned and feel free to skip ...

But after I CANCELED all of my October events and DECLINED all of my November events because of the baby ...
And then once we lost the baby ...
I have like NO events for October and November. And it feels weird.

So wouldn’t you like to have a fabulous retreat speaker from Montana for your church this fall?

- I don’t have any sort of set fee;
- You don’t have to have a lot of people (I’ve flown all day on three connections to teach 18 women!);
- And hey! It would be fun to meet you in person instead of only interacting via an online blog.

So think about it!

And let me know if there’s even a chance that I can serve you.

Alright–shameless self-promotion is over.
5:30AM. Time to take Lili for a walk.

Love ya,
Tara B.

I spent all day yesterday (and late into the night) looking up scripture after scripture on the gospel.

(Hmmmmm ... it sounds strange to write that because, OF COURSE, the entirety of scripture is on the gospel! But I was mining and digging and mining for specific passages to include in my dvd study guide.)

ANYWAY ... it was a hard day’s work to persevere at the laptop for hours and hours, but a WONDERFUL and ENCOURAGING time to remember how lavish God’s mercy is toward His children.

And THEN, all of those reminders of how compassionate God is has given me the courage to confess something to you all that I’ve been SO ASHAMED OF ... but I think that MAYBE I’m not the only mother who has struggled with this. And so I wanted to be honest with the hope that we can ALL run to Christ with confidence because He truly is our Savior.

So here is yet another example of how I really can be the worst mother in the world ...

Last week, I was increasingly frustrated with Sophia because she kept messing up two of her Catechism questions.

(Can you IMAGINE a dumber thing to be upset about?!?)

I mean–I was really mad. And at one point I said to her, “Sophie, I am very frustrated with you. In fact, I am disappointed in you.”

And she replied, “Momma, I am disappointed in you too ... when you raise your voice, you scare me.”

I scare her!
My own child!
A tiny little MUFFIN!?!

I was rightfully ashamed–and although it took me a few moments to repent of my stubborn pride (can you BELIEVE that I was tempted to try to JUSTIFY my raising my voice?!?) ... I did confess to her that it was wrong and sinful and unloving of me to raise my voice. And I asked her to forgive me.

And she did.
Again.
“Because Jesus forgives me!” she says when I ask her why she forgives me.

So, yes, it’s true ... I am a big huge sinner just trying to help a tiny, itty-bitty sinner to repent and believe that there IS forgiveness because of the finished work of Christ.

(Oh–and hypothetically, if anyone else out there ever struggles with feelings of anger and frustration toward their children ... just in case I’m not the only one ... I pray that you will know that there is forgiveness for you too! Read Proverbs 28:13, Romans 4:7-8, and Hebrews 8:12 if you don’t believe me.)

Happy Friday to you all!
I’m a packing-machine today because Sophie and I are off to Chicago tomorrow.

Yours,
Tara B.

Sophie had a friend over for a playdate yesterday and I “eavesdropped” on many of their conversations as I prayerfully sought to discern whether I should intervene and help with the relationship stuff or just let them “work it out.”

(No big problems–just normal, "Let’s play family, I’ll be the mommy and you be the baby" ... “I want to be the mommy!”, preschoolers figuring out social skills and relationships-type conversations.)

But I keep thinking about one thing that Sophie said to her little friend and since I’m really trying to get a lot of work done today (it’s going well, by the way–headache is down to a dull throbbing although my left eye is blurry ... is this a migraine?), I figured the best way to process it is just to blog about it and let my mind chill out. So here it is ... Sophie said:

"We don’t have all the toys in the world. We have some toys–but not all the toys. And being happy with our toys is one way that we glory God (sic) and love our neighbor."

Can you beat that with a stick?

One of the ways we glorify God (Sophie at age three said, “Glory God”) and love our neighbor is to be content with what we have.

WHAT a great reminder!
Out of the mouths of babes.

I was so blessed and I keep thinking about it.
But now it’s blogged and I can get back to work, right?

(I have Bach’s Well-Tempered Clavier playing in the background and everything. You know I’m serious when I’m working to THAT. Concentrates my oft-scattered brain. Got me through undergrad, grad school, the Bar Exam, and writing “Peacemaking Women.” Now we’ll see if it’s up to the challenge of a study guide. )

Love to all!

Yours,
Tara B.

I just received permission from Robert D. Jones to include an excerpt from his wonderful book, Uprooting Anger: Biblical Help for a Common Problem, in my dvd study guide.

Thought you might enjoy it too–so here you are!

God bless,
Tara B.

Robert D. Jones lists a number of descriptors about people who hold grudges and refuse to forgive. Do any of these statements describe you? Someone you know? If so, how is God calling you to repent and forgive your offender from your heart (Mark 11:25)?

1. You are forgetting the size of the massive sin debt for which God forgave you (Matt. 18:21-35; Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).

2. You are declaring that you do not need God’s forgiveness in your life (Matt. 6:12-15; 18:21-35; Mark 11:25).

3. You are declaring that you do not need God’s mercy on the day of judgment (Mic. 6:8; Matt. 5:7; James 2:13).

4. You are assuming God’s role as Judge (Gen. 50:19; Rom. 12:19; James 4:12).

5. You are forgetting the fact that the offender, as a sinner, is in one sense deceived and enslaved by his sin. You lack compassion (Luke 23:34a; John 8:34; Eph. 4:30-5:2; Col. 3:12-14).

6. You are forgetting the fact that you, as a sinner, are capable of the same sin and that the same root sin may already reside in you (Prov. 16:18; Jer. 17:9; 1 Cor. 10:12; Heb. 3:12-13).

PS
Sorry that I’m not very chatty–OH MY STARS I have the worst headache! And today is my day to REALLY work on this guide. (Soph’s at a babysitter’s and everything. You should’ve seen her this morning–cowgirl shirt, boot-cut pants, pink boots, I could hardly let her go I just wanted to kiss her all day long. SO CUTE.)

Every step this morning walking Lilikoi was excruciating–OH how I hope this thing goes away. (I just took like 800 mg of Ibuprofen.)

ANYWAY–I hope to be chatty and post pics and all that before too long. But right now I’m pressing on ...

Love to all!
– t

One of our elders preached on Psalm 78 last Sunday. It was a sweet and edifying reminder of God’s covenant of grace and I was blessed by many of the points he made.

But one little “offhand” comment has stuck with me the most ...

Toward the end of the message, Elder Mattson was reminding us of the extravagant specifics that the covenant of grace has brought us (from guilt to forgiveness, slavery to freedom, citizens to family, bad master to Good Shepherd, etc.). And he gently reminded us:

God keeps both halves of the covenant.

Isn’t that the best news!?!
The Good News!?!

We can’t even keep up “our” end of the bargain–our Only Hope is that GOD keeps the covenant for us.
And He does.

I was thinking about that this morning and was immediately reminded of the hymn, “Come You Sinners!”

Remember the text?

Come, ye sinners, poor and wretched,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus, ready, stands to save you,
Full of pity, joined with power.

He is able, He is able;
He is willing; doubt no more.

Come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God’s free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.

Without money, without money
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall;
If you tarry 'til you’re better,
You will never come at all.

Not the righteous, not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.

Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requires
Is to feel your need of Him.

This He gives you, this He gives you,
Listen to the Spirit’s call.

Even that sense that we NEED Him is a GIFT OF GRACE!

Oh, friends. This is a Good God that we serve. And trust. And worship. And love.
He IS good.
He is God!

Praise His holy name.

I’ve been trying to get up super early every morning to take Lili for a long walk. (Did I tell you guys that I read “The Dog Whisperer” and he’s ALL about dog walking being ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL for training dogs? Well, anyway, I read it and bought into it hook line and sinker–so there we are, walking away.)

And recently, I’ve been TRYING to THEN go to the gym for “real” exercise before Fred gets to work. (Can you see how far I have to go in my health goals? Eeek!)

But then there was today ...

It was RAINING when I woke up around 5:30. Rain that actually quickly turned to SNOW.
(Hmmmmmmmmmm ....)

AND I had this snuggly, kind, handsome husband next to me ....
So rather than walk in the rain and the suffer through 45 minutes on the elliptical trainer ...
We just talked.
(OK, cuddled a bit too–but really? Just talked.)

I cried a bit (of course). He was hopeful and calm as usual. (Oh! That Fred.)
I wondered why he didn’t despise me–as messed up as I can be–and he just let me be me, but kept pointing me to who I really am (not who I feel like so often).

I’m finding a lot of comfort in Fred’s words these days.
I get so scared! And I’m tempted to freak out so easily.
And MAN do I get frustrated with myself.
And he says, “Tara, you are being sanctified.”

And that’s it.
“Tara, you are being sanctified.”
Period.

No big sermon—no long prayer. Just five words—but he’s reminding me of SO MUCH in those words:

1. There is a God.
2. I am His.
3. God is holy AND compassionate.
4. I am holy before God because of Christ–but I am also GROWING more holy BECAUSE God is at work in me.
5. Along the way, as He sanctifies me, God does not despise me–He has compassion towards me.
6. This life is nothing but a constant death!!!!! But this life does not go on forever. One day we get to go Home.
7. Really? Deep down? Ultimately? I’m OK. I’m going to be OK. No matter what my feelings or circumstances tell me. God is bigger than all of this and all of that.
8. So quit worrying! Stop your fretting and whining! Get your eyes off of yourself and get back in the battle of faith.

Amen & Amen
(And thanks, Fred.)

Happy Rainy, Snowy Tuesday, All!

Love you,
Tara B.

Yesterday I was snuggling with Sophia and telling her how much I love her–how we prayed and prayed and asked God for a baby and then ... there she was! And we were SO happy and we love her SO much. It was great.

Then, out of the blue, Sophie said, “And THEN we prayed for ANOTHER baby and God said YES! And the baby lived inside of your tummy for a whole year. But then the baby died and went back to be with Jesus. And that makes us a little sad.”

(By then, tears were rolling down my cheeks.)

“But, Momma, is God going to give us another baby?”
(I gave her my standard answer to this question ...) “I don’t know, love.”

(So SHE replies with HER standard reply ...) “Well, I’ll ask God about it.”
Then she runs upstairs and “really prays” and then comes down and announces, “YES! God said YES! He is going to give us another baby.”

So there you have it–out of the mouths of babes.
Guess we’ll see how things develop in the coming months.

I turn 37 on June 8 and I’m trying hard to get this excess weight off. (I’m currently down 45 lbs and have another 55 to go until I’m at my healthy weight. Please do pray that I will be diligent and disciplined with exercise and eating–all for God’s glory!)

So who knows what the future holds Baby-barthel-wise?
We’re taking things one day at a time around here.

And sending you our love–

Happy Monday!

Your friend,
Tara B.

I’ve been reading “The Dog Whisperer” and then, convicted that I never gave Choza enough exercise, have been dutifully walking Lilikoi two and three times a day.

It’s been great for her training–she is still so young! But she is already learning to take the “beta dog” position and follow my lead (rather than pulling at the leash like Chozie always did). Plus, then the books says to feed her, play with her, and put her to bed. (Just like “dogs in the wild” would chase their food–exercise, eat their food, have some puppy pack fun time, and SLEEP.)

So that’s been a good routine for us AND it has the added benefit of getting me OUTSIDE in the early morning hours. AHHHHHHHHHH–I LOVE the morning. Always have. Even as a kid. I love the freshness of it and coolness of it–even during the hottest summer days, there is a squirt of refreshment that can be sipped if you’re just up early enough.

And it gets me exercising–which, I desperately need. I had no idea that I was SO out of shape until I started walking every single day, two and three times a day. I knew I was overweight but ... my body hurts! This is a great wake up call to continue to work on being a better steward of my health.

BUT ... even better than all that ... the time walking, alone (well sort of–but Lili is not interested in talking, just in picking up sticks and looking cute) ... it’s such a good time to THINK. Really think. Not think at a laptop like I usually do. Or think in spurts and starts like mothers of young children do throughout the course of our normal day.

But think–process–experience a related emotion–be tempted to shove it down–think again, “No! Wait! Let’s pray about that instead!”–and then to Pray. Really Pray. Not just think about praying or just WORRYING and somehow trying to justify that rehashing all of the details over and over and OVER again is prayer, not fretting. (Hah.)

This time to think and pray has been hard! Painful, even. Because I’m realizing that I’ve been running away from a lot of stuff again.

This time to think and pray has also been very, very good (of course). Because any time we remember truths about Who God is and truths about who we are and speak truth/life the Living Truth–JESUS–into our situations and into our hearts and lives ... well ... this is always the “best good.”

And so I am grateful–and I really need to let Lili out of her kennel now so we can hit the road.

But before I go I wanted to tell you something that I was convicted about on one of our walks last week:

My functional identity IS messed up.

Though I encourage you all to be “wholly defined by the gospel” every time I see you, speak at your events, write a note on this blog or on PeaceGals ... the truth is, I’ve fallen into a big ol' PIT. And it’s NASTY.

Now, I know that God is with me and His grace is toward me. I do! And the fact that I am even beginning to see this is just another evidence of His Spirit in me leading me to repentance and faith and BELIEF! (Praise His name!)

But it’s hard, isn’t it? To see our sin? To see our unbelief?

Here’s mine ... For most of my past (i.e., YEARS ago), I remember walking through life with an attitude (a “functional identity”) of:

"Hi, I’m Tara. I’m a Christian. I’d like to get to know you. Maybe we can be friends and I could bless you in some way because I’m fairly good at relationships and I’m really good at encouraging people and making people feel like they belong.

Plus–I love to serve, especially in secret. And doing little loving things for people just lights me up inside! I’m probably going to mess up somewhere along the line in our friendship, but please know that I never intend to hurt you and I promise to be QUICK to repent and seek your forgiveness because I’ll be very, very sorry when I mess up. I’m looking forward to whatever relationship God gives us. Let’s enjoy life and ministry together!"

For years now, though, deep down inside, my attitude–the functional identity through which I live my life–has been something diametrically different. It sounds much more like this:

"Hi, I’m Tara. You’re not going to like me because I’m really bad at relationships and I’ll probably do or say something to scare you off or offend you or hurt you or intimidate you. Even though I may ACT otherwise, REALLY ... I am an unloving person. I am mean and bad and a failure–I ruin everything I touch no matter how hard I try.

I know this because I learned it all from someone I trusted who not only was “older and wiser” and had an authority position over me, but was also in a father-figure position over me, AND was someone who had told me repeatedly that he cared about me as a friend. (So he must be right, right?) He told me that being “bad at relationships” and “unloving” is JUST THE WAY THAT I AM and that I’m NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. So I guess it must be truth.

So anyway ... guess you don’t want to spend much time with me, do you? I wouldn’t want to have to work with me on this project either, that’s OK. Here–let me help you find a friend who is “together” and “loving” and will be like a ZILLION times better than me at this relationship stuff. Really. Truly. I don’t blame you at all ... I wouldn’t want to be around me either."

EEK!

DOUBLE EEK!
Did it REALLY take a DOG who needed a WALK for me to have enough time and clarity and SILENCE to actually HEAR that wretched little whiny faithless voice inside of me?

Talk about a spiritual cancer of unbelief!

Come on–all of you guys who have read the good (BIBLICAL) stuff from CCEF ... what’s going on in “poor” little Tara’s heart?

Can we all say it together? BLAME-SHIFTING!
I’m stuck in some sort of a pitty-pot-party regarding how I relate to people and somehow in my fallenness I have “justified” it by blaming it “ALL” on what this ONE MAN said to me YEARS AGO.

Ridiculous when you admit it out loud.

Yes–this guy thinks I’m horrible at relationships.
Yes–he really does view me as extraordinarily unloving and, well, I guess just a terrible person to have to be around.
Yes–I’m pretty sure that everything I ever do gets interpreted by him in the worst possible light.
And Yes—I really, seriously doubt that his extremely low view of me will EVER change.

BUT COME ON!
Who cares!

Is my identity in this one man?
Or is my identity in The One Man?

Even this very morning (as Lili is hopping around in her kennel thinking, “PLEASE let me out to make some sheee-sheee”) ... I have a choice.

I can keep on pity-pot-partying and petting this mean, condemning, shaming voice inside of me. I can indulge this unbelief and Tara-centered, other-guy-who-rejected-me-centered thinking ... and bear the wretched emotions that come along with it!

OR ... by faith, I can repent.
Repent of my selfishness.
Repent of my judgmental heart toward this man who rejected and judged me so gracelessly and cruelly.
Repent of playing his words over and over and over again in my heart and my mind so much so that they really HAVE become WHO I AM.

(I seriously walk into a room and think, deep down, “I’m a failure. I cannot relate with people. I am bad at relationships. I am a horrible person who will only be rejected. I’ll try to be friendly, but I’ll screw up. I’ll try to be quiet and people will think I’m proud. I’ll talk too much. I’ll talk too little. I shouldn’t even try. WHY AM I HERE?!?!!” How Tara-centered & proud & unloving & faithless is THAT attitude? Where is Christ in it? Where is God’s glory?)

God is calling me to repent of believing LIES (or graceless criticism) instead of believing TRUTH–which does include grace-filled criticism at times.
To find myself wholly defined at each moment of every day by HIM.

But what does that look like in a situation like I’m describing?
I mean, yes, I get it in the abstract that God loves me. I am His. He is real. I am forgiven and wanted.

But what about when I walk into our first school orientation night and there are parents, teachers, and administrators everywhere? Or a dinner for the staff and family at Fred’s work?

What does it mean to REMEMBER THE GOSPEL in those situations?
To live by TRUTH rather than lies (or the graceless way other people have defined us).

How do drink in Christ so much so that it really doesn’t matter how much that one man disdains and rejects me ...
Because it doesn’t matter how much ANYONE rejects me ...
As long as I have Christ.

All the world can judge me a complete flop and failure. (And they may be very VERY right in many regards.)
But God says, “I am conforming you to the imagine of my Son, Tara” and “I am the One who wills it and I am the One Who IS working in you according to my good purposes.”

Do I have a long way to go?
ABSOLUTELY?

Along the way as I grow in sanctification and conformity to Christ–will I mess up?
Sure.

BUT AM I LOVED?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh—–that’s the $64,000 question isn’t it.
Am I loved?

NOT BY ALL. Obviously. Some will never love me or share kindness with me or give me any grace at all.
THAT’S OK.

I am loved.
Loved by God.
And that is enough!

But then I have many, many more evidences of grace in my life ...
Fred (so faithful and graceful and kind and true)
Sophia (whom I could kiss all day every day and never grow tired of it)
And some friends–not many–but a handful–who don’t give up on me.

Oh, Tara! STOP being defined by the one person who has treated you most cruelly and judged, betrayed, misled, rejected, crushed you.
Get over it!

Stop listening to THIS GUY’S words crashing around inside of your heart and mind–they are just the loveless words of one man that remind you of the loveless words of other men who all hurt you so very much during the most loveless, graceless, hopeless, horrible, awful, grievous, dark season of your entire life.

It’s time to let it go.
It well PAST time to let it go.

Give THEM grace.
Say, “Reject me! I will continue to do good to you.”
“Kick me out! I will only speak well of you and honor you.”
“Mock me behind my back; make a clique and exclude me forever–it’s OK. It’s a temporary embarrassment to be rejected by you. It will not last. One day, we will all be together forever anyway and all of these fleeting hurts will seem like NOTHING when we are before the throne of God and our opportunity to suffer has ended. Forever.”

And this day?
Please, God, help me to REJECT those lies and repent of my UNBELIEF and more than anything BELIEVE YOUR WORD.
Who are YOU, God?
And who am I in You, Lord?
And then LIVE ACCORDINGLY.

This is my prayer and I hope it is yours too, my blog-reading friends.

Today is Sunday!
The best day of the week!

Off to church and then on to fellowship–
All for God’s glory.

Love you all!

God bles you,
Tara B.

I finally had some (relatively) uninterrupted time to read through all of the cards and letters that came after our miscarriage. I was truly blessed, encouraged, and loved by the words that each friend wrote. Thank you again to everyone who reached out to us and loved us in this way.

One of the cards included a lengthy excerpt from Joseph Alleine’s little book, The Precious Promises of the Gospel. It ministered to Fred and me and we thought you might enjoy it too:

"From the curse of the Cross I will deliver you. Afflictions shall prove a wholesome cup to you; your Lord has drunk the venom into His own body and what remains for you is but a healthful potion which I promise shall work for your good.

Be not afraid to drink, nor desire that the cup should pass from you. I bless the cup before I give it to you. Drink all of it and be thankful; you shall find my blessing at the bottom of the cup to sweeten the sharpest afflictions to you. I will stand by you in all conditions, and be a fast friend to you in every charge. In the wilderness I will speak comfortably to you, and in the fire and water I will be with you.

I will be a strength to the poor and a strength to the needy, when the blast of terrible ones is as a storm against the wall. Your suffering shall not be a cup of wrath, but a grace cup; not a curse, but a cure; note a cup of trembling, but a cup of blessing to you. They shall not hurt you, but heal you. My blessing shall attend you in every condition. I say not only “Blessed shall you be in your basket, and blessed in your store,” but “Blessed shall you be in your poverty, and blessed shall you be in your straits”; not only shall you be blessed in your cities and your fields, but blessed shall you be in your beds and your banishments. Blessed shall you be when you are persecuted and when you are reviled and your name is case about as evil; yea, then doubly blessed.

My choicest blessing, greatest good, and richest sweets will I put into your blessing, greatest good, and richest sweets will I put into your evil things. These happy immunities, these glorious liberties of the Sons of God, by this immutable Charter I forever settle upon you. And I do in and with my covenant, unalterably, irrevocably, and everlastingly convey them unto you and confirm them upon you.

Yea, I will not only free you from your miseries, but will confer upon you royal privileges and prerogatives, and instate you into higher and greater happiness than ever you have fallen from.

Lo, I give Myself to you, and all things with Myself."

Now THAT is a good word.

Thank you Elder and Mrs. Feralio! For your friendship, love, kindness, oversight, encouragement, counsel ... for sharing yourselves with us. We appreciate you and love you very much.

And for all the rest of us – I really pray that we will ALL (myself included!) go back and really MEDITATE on the TRUTHS of the Gospel stated in that excerpt.

It’s rich stuff!
Worthy of a second read–even in blogland.

Soph’s in the (empty) tub waiting for me to come and scrub-a-dub-dub for her, so I have to dash.

Love to you!

Your friend,
Tara B.

HT to Barbara Curtis (again!) for posting this sweet, poignant video. (And she thanked “Spunky” too ... so who knows who posted it first?)

It totally reminded me of our own church’s sweet Liam–who lived only twelve hours, but was deeply and dearly loved. (And Liam is missed today!)

I remember marveling at the packed church, the tiny white coffin, and the sobbing that our pastor (Liam’s uncle) led us all in even from the pulpit.

And I’ll never forget the astoundingly long line of cars crawling slowly through town to the cemetery ... I remember thinking, “If people saw so many cars for a funeral procession, they must be thinking, ‘Who died? Must’ve been someone IMPORTANT! Maybe even FAMOUS! They must’ve accomplished a LOT for so many people to care.’”

But of course, all Liam did was breathe in and out. His family members held him, bathed him, kissed him, loved him, and he died.

God marked out his life at twelve hours. And Liam glorified God.

ANYWAY ... so much loss in this life! Be encouraged if you want to take four minutes and watch this video.

Love to all,
Tara B.

Just read a great article on blogging over at Challies.com. Hope you enjoy!

Oh–and yes, Grandma Marjorie did pass in the night. Thanks for your kind concern.

Blessings,
Tara B.

Would you please say a prayer for our family as we are facing the imminent death of our beloved Grandma Marjorie? I would really appreciate it.

Marjorie is mother to “my sister’s Fred.”

(Yes, two sisters. Two Freds. How funny, eh? To both marry guys named Fred. My dad used to call them “Fred Number 1 and Fred Number 2.”)

Grandma Marjorie moved in with Kali and “her Fred” a few years ago and has been a wonderful part of all of our lives. She is patient, appreciative, funny, sweet, loving ... everything you’d want in a Grandma for your daughter.

She could be gone already–even as I type this–and, of course, we have to break the news to Sophia (especially because we have a trip to Chicago planned for ten days from now and it will be very strange to not see Grandma Marjorie).

(Boy–there’s been a lot of death in Sophie’s life lately. I pray that God will guard her little heart.)

Marjorie actually went into the hospital the same day I did (for my miscarriage) ... it was a very sad and stressful week especially for my sister because we are such close friends.

So thanks for praying! And I hope you’re all doing well.

I actually repented of some serious worry this morning when I was walking Lili and actually, you know, PRAYED. It was a great gift of God.

Love to all,
Tara B.

PS
Here are some of my favorite pictures of Grandma Marjorie and Sophia over the years ...

(Do you like the cover for my DVD/group study guide? Now if only I can get the INSIDES done ...)

If you’ve heard me teach, you’ve probably heard me use the term “evidences of God’s grace” or “E.G.G.'s” as we call them in our church.

(I think the “EGGS” thing was based on a Ken Sande sermon at our church before we moved out here–but I’m not sure about that.)

ANYWAY ... I wanted to share with you a few evidences of God’s grace to me today:

1. While working with a (very special and loved!) friend on a big project, things got TENSE. Uncomfortable. Downright unpleasant for both of us. But she didn’t give up on me. We’re working through things and she is persevering in love for me. THIS is so good. So wonderful. SUCH a sweet foretaste of Heaven to me.

2. While sitting at Sophie’s gymnastics class this morning, one of the moms mentioned that she was going to be running to Michael’s for a “craft” for her daughter. Now, seriously ... HOW COOL IS THAT? And HOW MUCH would I never EVER think to even POSSIBLY considering doing that–but how good would it be for me to LEARN how to be more crafty? (Ever since Samara–my artistic, groovy, makes the world a more beautiful place friend–moved last year, the arts & craft aspects of Sophie’s and my life has REALLY gone down.) ANYWAY ... I asked this mom (who I hope becomes I better friend–I really think she’s great) if she would consider buying the supplies for Sophia if I gave her some cash–and then maybe I could try too. And she graciously said, “Sure!” So WATCH OUT for some pictures of us doing painted on glitter SUN CATCHERS one of these days. SO FUN!

3. When disciplining Sophia this afternoon, after we were all reconciled and just snuggling away, Sophia spontaneously said to me, “Momma, if you didn’t discipline me when I sinned, then YOU would be sinning. Because God says that you need to TEACH ME that there are painful consequences when I sin, right?” And I sat there ... honestly I had JUST been struggling with those, “Am I a horrible mother?” "Am I too strict?" “Maybe I’m just being mean by disciplining her every single time she is defiant or disobedient?” questions rattling around my head ... and then God so graciously used even my three year old daughter to encourage me with truth. Truth. And Grace. I can’t tell you how much this meant to me.

So anyway ... it’s a full day with much to do and faith’s fight against sin is warring away in me ...

But I WAS encouraged.
And I thought you might be too.

Evidence of God’s grace. E.G.G.’s.
I’m so very, very grateful.

With love,
Tara B.

I read this essay by Jill Carattini (of RZIM ministries) and thought, “Hmmmmmm ... why AM I crying?”

So now I’m going offline–the good ol' fashioned prayer life on my face before God to write it out and cry it out and hopefully come to some insight and repentance and Godward focus again.

Take a minute and read her essay. It is time well spent.

Happy, Blessed Monday to you!
– Tara B.

Pastor Jason preached a wonderful sermon this morning on, “Cultivating Humility.” The key passage was Romans 12 (some of you may recall that MY Bible has RIPPED PAGES where Romans 12 used to be. Oh, my sin!)

There were many great things to think about, but I’ll just mention a few here:

1. Whenever I have an “agenda conflict” with God and then I try to “fix” the situation or MYSELF by my actions ("I’ll try harder!" “I’ll do better” "I can get this–really–I can fix it!") ... I am JUSTIFYING myself.

And whenever I’m stuck trying to justify myself–I am ALWAYS (ALWAYS!) going to be condemning YOU.

2. There are two key indicators that show this proud, self-justifying, faithless heart: i) I am Self-Righteous: I replace God’s standard with my own and then JUDGE OTHERS by it (i.e., “The Rules of Conduct for Good TARA Living” that go BEYOND Scripture); ii) I am Self-Centered: My comfort and satisfaction is what motivates me in life. People become either obstacles that hinder my goals or vehicles to achieve my goals. But there is NO LOVE.

3. A lack of humility; an agenda conflict with God; self-righteousness & self-centeredness ALL sound like this:

- “Serious Christians would NEVER watch THAT movie/television show!”
- “Strong Believers know that it is a GOOD thing to enjoy alcohol in moderation!”
(Followed quickly by ...)
- “NO CHRISTIAN would EVER drink ANY alcohol!”
- “If they really cared about their children, they would STOP/START homeschooling, public schooling, Classical schooling, Christian schooling; they would STOP/START reading ”THOSE" books; they would NEVER go to THOSE places ..."
- “I can’t BELIEVE the elders did THAT! And they call themselves a peacemaking church!”

But, of course, there is Good News. The Best News.

Jesus came to live and die and be raised again for our sinful, wretched, NOT HUMBLE hearts.
There is rescue!
We CAN be saved and we ARE being saved and we WILL be saved–because of the Righteousness of Another.

Thank God.
Because otherwise–I would just fall into a hole and never climb out of it.

I was WAYYYYYYYYYY too convicted during the sermon.
I’ve been thinking how I’m not a humble person–well–now I know it for sure.

If Pastor Jason is right and cultivating humility requires that I “contemplate my connection to Christ” and “celebrate my connection to the Body of Christ” ... well ... I am often a very NOT humble person.

I DO look at self rather than at the mercy of Another ("In view of God’s mercy ...").
I FORGET the lavishness of the gospel–and introspective self-focus is just another warping of selfish pride!

And while I claim to value the Church–there are many times when it’s just so uncomfortable to fellowship with people!

Like this morning ... I TRY to visit with people; ask questions about their lives; get into a dialogue with them ... but do you ever just feel like time is standing still and it’s all so awkward and strange and you wonder why they came over to talk to you ANYWAY? Well ... that’s me.

(But I DO keep trying because I know it’s a part of Body Life.)

Do you ever see someone and quickly think, “I hope she doesn’t sit near me.” NOT because of some sort of conflict, no ... but more so just because you’re a tired, selfish person and you’d rather just survive and get HOME than try to interact with people? Well ... that’s me.

And yet ... and yet ...

There really IS hope!

We are called to remember (Who God is, who we are, that God is at work throughout all of time and we are one part of His plan of redemption);
And to get help (study, pray, read, seek counsel and encouragement);
To persevere (for the first time in over twenty years of being a Christian, I had the strange thought today, “Maybe I could just STOP coming to church AT ALL?!?” Of course it’s NOT an option.);
To serve and love and get over ourselves.

None of which we can do.
So it MUST be God.

Thank GOD that HE is at work in us!
I do. I do.

God bless you all–

Yours,
Tara B.

I know that I should say a heartfelt, “Happy Mother’s Day!” to all of you mommas out there ... and so I will. “Happy Mother’s Day” and God bless you!

But to all of you mommas AND to all of us who would LIKE to be a momma but aren’t yet (or can’t ever be by birth)–

to all of the women who are mommas of babies in Heaven (even those whom we killed by our own hands through abortion but whom we now miss and long for and regret our heinous sin)–

to all of the mommas who would LIKE to love their children / step-children / in-law-children ... but find it SO HARD because of long histories of pain, rejection, gracelessness, unresolved conflict, addictions, meanness, rudeness, even hatred (and for the children/stepchildren/in-law-children who could say the same right back at us!)–

to women and men and children–

I say ... Happy Sunday!

Happy Sunday to us all ...
The Lord’s Day.
A Day to Remember

–Who God is and all He HAS done for us in Christ.

–A Day to Remember that no relationship is hopeless. (God raises the dead!)

–No arms are ever fully empty. (We can ALWAYS enter into someone’s life and heart and hold and carry and love.)

–No grief or anger or bitterness can ultimately consume us. (FOR IT IS GOD Who works in us and HE will conform us to Christ and complete HIS good work.)

–We do have a Home. And we CAN rest. No matter what our circumstance.

May we remember!
And worship GOD.

Happy Sunday, friends.

Love to you all,
Tara B.

We’re having SO much fun in Wyoming! It was a true joy to serve last night (Sophie even put a Peacemaker Brochure on every single chair) and now we’re heading to breakfast and then more swimming! We are very blessed–and I can almost literally FEEL my stress level coming down.

ANYWAY–I realized that I hadn’t posted any photos for a few days, so I’ll put some down below.

Hope you are all doing well!

With love,
Tara B.

If you’ve been reading my blog this week you know that I’ve been really struggling.

I’ve felt tired. Overwhelmed. STRESSED OUT.

There’s a lot that can (and probably SHOULD) be said about this ... some of it is a result of my oft-prayerless life (and my failure to practice other disciplines of grace).

Some of it is physical–I haven’t been to the gym since we lost the baby. No excuses! I was cleared to exercise after just over two weeks–so, you know, I just have to get back into the groove and “do it.”

Some of it is just life in a fallen world; faith’s fight against sin; the battle of unbelief!

But you know what else? Wednesday night, Fred said to me:

"Tara, just put Lili at the vet’s and kennel her for the weekend. Don’t try to speak at an event Thursday night AND get us packed for this trip to Wyoming AND get ready to speak Friday night AND take care of Sophia and me AND take care of a sick little puppy that will probably need not only your time, attention, and love–but multiple baths too. Just take her in. Drop her off. They will love her and take care of her and it will be one less stressor on you for a few days."

And I did.

And he was right (of course).
Thursday was still a really, REALLY hard and stressful and busy day–but it was SO MUCH BETTER than if I had my sweet, but sick, little pup to take my effort and energy and time and emotion.

Did I need prayer? YES!
Was I called to believe the gospel? Absolutely!
But it was also so good to just have some help and a tiny, teeny, little smidgen of a BREAK.

I pray that we will all be looking around our lives, our churches, our neighborhoods and asking: Who could use a BREAK? How can I serve? Can I be a little relief valve for someone? Because MAN! It sure is good to be on the receiving end of it too.

I have to leave the hotel here in Wyoming in just a few minutes to go and speak at this ladies' dinner ... and I still feel sad. SO sad. (Is it hormones? Just me–good ol' oft' sad Tara? Sin? Unbelief? Probably a combination.)

Please pray for me if I flit through your heart this evening.
I do SO want to serve well and love well and encourage/help these dear women!

Oh–and thank God for Fred, eh?
I can’t believe I get so snippy and impatient with him.
I know I could never deserve such a graceful husband.

Thinking of you all!

With love,
Tara B.

One of my “check in on 'em every day” bloggers, Pastor JollyBlogger posted an interesting question on women and guilt and I replied with a lengthy excerpt from Judy’s and my book, Peacemaking Women.

(Who me? Verbose? No WAY! )

(Who me? Struggle with guilt? SHOCKING! )

I thought it might be a good reminder for all of us, so I’ll post my comment below.

It was funny to re-read it. I really never read my own book–too convicting.
(Hah!)

But I completely remember when I wrote the end of this chapter! I remember feeling ALL of that guilt because I was writing a book instead of taking care of my newborn–EVEN THOUGH Fred was completely, 100%, THRILLED and EAGER for me to do so. And he’s always so astoundingly kind and grateful for ANYTHING I do trying to improve as a homemaker.

But I still struggle.
Maybe it will be a part of me until Glory.
But there is growth.
So that’s just great.

ANYWAY–here it is and God bless you all!

With love,
Tara B.

————————————————————————————————————-

GREAT questions, JollyBlogger! As always, you are making me think and driving me to my knees before the Lord. Thank you!

(You know ... I’m even wondering if I might be “tweaking” my keynotes for tonight and tomorrow night. Ah! 'Tis the season of mother/daughter/women’s dinners, eh?)



Pastor JollyBlogger, I’m in the morning “domestic diva getting hubby out the door mode,” so I can’t write a custom long response, but since we cover this topic in an entire chapter in our book ("Peacemaking Women"), I wanted to snip and copy in a few excerpts.

Because ... well ... as usual, I think you are RIGHT! And sadly, what you describe is pretty much “THE” struggle I see when I do women’s retreats or conferences. (I.e., these women know their theology! But it’s that pesky ol' GAP between what we claim to believe and how we actually LIVE that gets 'em (and me!) every time.)

My only question would be ... would you consider that, maybe, perhaps, it’s a possibility that you are using the wrong TERM. (And you and I both know that if we start with the wrong diagnosis, it’s going to be hard to get to the right Cure.)

Pastor, I think what you are describing in the lives of these godly, wise, wonderful, biblical, Spirit-filled, Christian women isn’t guilt ... IT’S SHAME.

Here are the book excerpts I copied out for you this morning. Hope they are even a tiny blessing to you.

We all appreciate you so much!

Your sister in Christ,
Tara Barthel

Peacemaking Women
By Tara Barthel & Judy Dabler

PEACE WITHIN
In the quietness of your most private thoughts, are you at peace? As you lie on your bed at night, are you calm, content, and joyful? Or is your heart restless? Do you sometimes feel a vague sense that all is not well?

Sometimes the conflicts we face within cause our greatest turmoil. To live as peacemaking women, we are called to face and address our misplaced shame, dark depression, and ungodly fears. It is not enough that our “outsides” appear to be at peace. As we live out faith in Jesus Christ, one good fruit we enjoy is internal peace. As John Calvin reminds us, we must first turn to the Lord if we are to gain understanding into our hearts: “Again, it is certain that man never achieves a clear knowledge of himself unless he has first looked upon God’s face, and then descends from contemplating Him to scrutinize himself.”2

In this section, we will address the three most common internal conflicts that women face: shame, depression, and fear. I (Tara) remember a time as a teenager, new to the faith, when all three internal struggles crashed together in one sad moment. It was just after my mother had attempted suicide and I was living with a Christian family from my church. One Saturday we were doing chores and I unplugged the vacuum by pulling on the cord. I was gently and appropriately corrected—“Don’t pull on the cord, reach down and pull the grip out of the socket; otherwise, the cord could detach and fray.” Immediately, I was flooded with shame, fear, and depression: “I shouldn’t be here! Their house is beautiful. This is a perfect family. I’m unworthy, stupid, a loser. Now that they know what an idiot I am, they’re going to kick me out. Will I be homeless? I don’t even know how to live in a nice house. I hate myself and I hate my life.”

In this situation, I was bound by shame—I am no good. The correction that I received confirmed it—I am stupid and deserve to be rejected. I was gripped by fear—I’m going to be kicked out. My dark thoughts lead to depression—My life is awful and it will never change.

As I reflected on this memory with Judy, she helped me to see that the gospel of Jesus Christ sets us free to look within ourselves and face whatever is unseemly. The gospel tells us that we are completely loved by God; he made the way for our relationship with him to be restored through the finished work of his Son, Jesus, on the cross. We are fully accepted by God because the righteousness of Christ has become our own. No darkness in us can change the wonderful truth that our relationship with God does not depend on us, but on his gift of grace.

We are emboldened to look within and pursue shalom because we are already living that eternal life promised to us through our faith in Jesus Christ. The gospel is the foundation upon which our internal peace rests because by it our peace with God has been fully accomplished. Without the gospel, we are hopeless and lost, constantly looking for answers to satisfy our doubts and soothe our despair. But in Christ, we have peace.

Of course, the gospel calls us to live for God’s glory, not because he makes us happy—which he does—but simply because he is God. As J. I. Packer reminds us, “We must return to the authentic gospel—not some substitute that occasionally shares similarities. The true gospel produces deep reverence, repentance, humility, a spirit of worship and a concern for the church. It makes men God-centered in their thoughts and God-fearing in their hearts. Too often, a substitute gospel is promoted to ‘help’ people—to bring peace, comfort, happiness, satisfaction—not to glorify God.”3

As we come to the conclusion of this book, we will incorporate the truths about God presented in Part One, and the application of those truths learned in Part Two, as we consider how to develop that quiet inner confidence that brings about the good fruit of righteousness and shalom. And as always, to find rest for our souls, we turn to Christ who promises: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28–30).

CHAPTER 10: SHAME

No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame . . .
Psalm 25:3a

“If we are to live the kind of free and radically loving and holy lives Christ calls us to, we must understand the place of shame and how to fight against its crippling effects.”
John Piper1

The Midwest is home to an awful little spider called the brown recluse. This spider is famous for its bite. Once a person is bitten, the small red dot quickly disappears and the victim has little awareness that she just received one of the most venomous spider bites known to mankind. Over time, however, a terrible infection begins beneath the surface of the skin. By the time she is aware that she has been bitten, significant damage has occurred. In fact, surgery into the undamaged flesh is usually necessary to stop the rapid spread of the spider’s venom. The treatment often leaves visible reminders of the destruction left by that tiny spider.

Ungodly shame works in the human heart much like a brown recluse bite works on the body. On the surface, everything may look fine, but beneath the surface, a decaying, infected wound is doing serious damage to the heart and soul. Sadly, shame is prevalent in the lives of many Christian women. It is often experienced as a vague but overwhelming sense that no matter how hard we try, we will never be good enough. When shame lives in our hearts, we feel as though no matter how much we may desire relationships with others, no one will ever really want us. Although we may teach the gospel of God’s grace and love to others, easily believing it to be true for them, we have a hard time believing that it is actually true for us. Women infected by shame often withdraw from God and others in an attempt to prevent the spread of this lethal disease or to disguise the truth that they are carriers of it. When shame exists in our hearts, our internal conflicts are often the fertile soil for conflicts with God and others. Shame has great power to destroy shalom.

Godly and Ungodly Shame

Godly shame is a blessing. Shame comes in two main varieties, godly and ungodly. Godly shame is our soul’s response to the Spirit of God when we have sinned. It is one aspect of sorrow and remorse, and can be an integral part of repentance. Godly shame is a gift from God that flows out of an awareness and sorrow that we have sinned and done wrong. Godly shame sickens us with the realization of our sin and makes us rightly crave the restoration that comes through repentance and forgiveness. The Giver of godly shame uses it as the hook to reel us back into his forgiving, purifying arms. When we sin, if our hearts are soft and responsive, we will experience appropriate and godly remorse that quickly turns us back to God. We flee to our Heavenly Father to receive forgiveness and freedom as we delight in our status as redeemed sinners.

I (Tara) remember a time when I was really struggling with bitterness towards a friend who had betrayed my confidence and embarrassed me publicly. I suffered miserably as I nursed the offense, continually replaying it in my mind. On one of our long walks, my husband, Fred, said to me, “I’m glad you’re miserable and ashamed, Tara, when you are tempted to hate your sister in Christ. If you weren’t, I’d go and get help from our pastor because then I would know that you are hardening your heart to the Lord. But the fact that you are ashamed and miserable is a good thing. Your shame shows that the Spirit of God is in you and your heart is open to correction.” God graciously granted me the gift of godly shame in order to help bring me to repentance.

Godly shame that drives us back to the Lord for healing and hope is a blessing—it is a sensitivity to sin coupled with faith that Jesus Christ forgives completely and restores fully. Who would not rush into the arms of their dear Savior to receive grace when convinced that he alone purifies her from her shame and sets her free from its pain?

Ungodly shame is an unbearable burden. Ungodly shame, however, does not come from God as a result of our sin, but comes from many different sources: our own hearts, other people, and the philosophies and values of the world. Together, these sources of ungodly shame all serve to produce in us a sense of “badness” that usually drives us away from God and toward our futile efforts to restore ourselves. While godly shame results from the Spirit of God working in our hearts to prompt us to deal with our sinfulness, ungodly shame results from our responses to our fallenness and the fallenness of the world in which we live. Fallenness is a larger category of experiences that includes sin but also includes so much more.2

When a woman is filled with ungodly shame, her response to her own sin or fallenness is to say, “Something is wrong with me and I need to work harder to make this right.” Ungodly shame is a self-indictment that overrides the truth of the gospel that Jesus Christ loves me and in him I am accepted. Another way to think about godly shame and ungodly shame is to note that while godly shame may have a component of legitimate and appropriate guilt (“I did wrong”), ungodly shame condemningly says, “I am wrong.” Sadly, ungodly shame directs people away from God and others, effectively trapping them in a lifestyle of shame-based living. Ungodly shame is an unbearable burden.

Janelle struggles with ungodly shame. In her childhood home, her parents disciplined her by saying, “You are such a bad little girl. For shame! For shame!” Instead of lovingly shepherding her heart and disciplining her behavior (“You did a bad thing”), they told her she was bad. Janelle grew up in an environment of conditional “love” where she received love when she did things well and was a “good girl,” and was personally rejected when she was “bad” and struggled with sin. As an adult, Janelle has a hard time trusting in God’s love towards her because she never feels that she is being “good enough.” Janelle is burdened by ungodly shame as a result of her parent’s sin and fallenness colliding with her own sin and fallenness.

A lack of shame can be a curse. Guilt is different from shame. True guilt is an objective fact that says the holiness of God has been transgressed by our thoughts, words, or deeds.3 When we are guilty, we ought to experience godly shame. We don’t feel guilt, we feel godly shame. When true guilt and godly shame exist together, we are filled with a godly sorrow that leads to repentance and leaves no regret (2 Cor. 7:10). But, sadly, guilt may or may not be accompanied by the experience of shame.

It is a horrible thing when true guilt is not accompanied by the experience of shame. As Jeremiah reminds us, we can be genuinely guilty of wrongdoing but not experience the emotion of godly shame at all: “Are they ashamed of their loathsome conduct? No, they have no shame at all; they do not even know how to blush. So they will fall among the fallen; they will be brought down when they are punished, says the Lord” (Jer. 8:12). Such a lack of shame is terrifying evidence of a heart hardened by sin’s deceitfulness (Heb. 3:13).

Interestingly enough, while godly and ungodly shame come from different sources and are the result of different forces in our lives, both the effect of them in our lives and the cure for them are largely the same …

… ... ...

I (Tara) am embarrassed to admit that in looking back on my first few years as a Christian, I see plainly how my ungodly shame manifested itself as legalism and self-righteousness. As a teenager, I was saved by God’s grace, but my initial response was to live as a legalistic Pharisee. Instead of humbly sharing the gospel with my family, I adopted an air of superiority as I threw away all of my “sinful” rock and roll audiotapes. I judged my relatives for the television shows and movies they watched. Completely failing to minister encouragement and hope to them, I sniffed piously at their lifestyles. Even more seriously, I saw true areas of sin in their lives—areas in need of rescue and love—and instead of seeking to help them, bearing their burdens, or pointing them to Christ (Gal. 6:1–2), I turned away from them. I look back on those years with true regret. I see how my own pride and shame combined to make me a “Christian jerk.” Thankfully, God has led me to seek the forgiveness of all of my family members for my judgmental heart and self-righteous behavior and they have forgiven me.

The Cure for Shame

What can we do to be free of the burden of shame that is at the root of so much of our conflict? Dick Keyes in Beyond Identity makes the excellent point that guilt and shame are two very different problems, rooted in two different theological realities, each with its own cure.4 Two thought-provoking questions help us to address our guilt and shame:

• What is the cure for guilt?
• What is the cure for shame?

Nearly every believer is able to rapidly answer the first question. The cure for guilt is forgiveness. However, few are able to articulate the cure for shame without a great deal of reflection. And yet, Scripture speaks volumes about how to cure shame. To be women of shalom, it is crucial to understand how the concepts of adoption, intimacy, love, and delight impact our experience of shame. These gifts of grace help us to trust that we are accepted, just the way we are. The acceptance we have in Christ because we are adopted into his family is the surgeon’s scalpel that begins to carve away the festering poison of shame. The intimacy, love, and delight we experience because of our adoption all provide the healing balm that soothes the painful effects of shame.

Adoption. When we know without a doubt that God has accepted us, we come to understand the amazing truth that we are brought into membership in God’s family forever (1 John 3:1). The doctrine that speaks most powerfully to our guilt is justification and the doctrine that speaks most directly to our ungodly shame is adoption. While the cure for our guilt rests only in the forgiveness of God, the cure for our shame is found in God’s loving acceptance through adopting us into his family. Adoption washes our shame away in the same way that justification wipes away our guilt. Adoption says, “I love you, you belong to me, nothing will take you out of my hand. Nothing about you will cause me to reject you. Anything wrong with you will not cost us our relationship. I am God and I know you completely. And I love you” (cf. John 10:29; Rom. 8:15–17; Gal. 4:4–7; 1 John 3:1).

I (Tara) love adoption stories. I am drawn to them like no other stories. I love to hear about the prayerful pleas for a child; the long anticipation and waiting; the actual journey to meet the child; the lifetime promise of love offered before the parents even lay eyes on the little one; the tearful moment when the child is placed in the arms of the parents and the cradle of the family of God; and the grace and love reflected in the life of a wanted and cherished child. I am mesmerized by the thought that parents would choose, seek out, and love a child that they had never even met. I guess it reflects both my longing for relationship with my own parents and my longing for my perfect heavenly parent, Father God.

A key aspect of adoption is that it is a lifetime commitment. Adoption is steadfast. Shame flees when people don’t give up on us, but it compounds when they do. I (Tara) once had a close friend—I considered her to be my best friend at the time—give up on me with absolutely no warning. One day, she just decided that my sins were too great, I was too unloving and ungracious, and she didn’t want to be my friend any more. In one of the worst conversations in my entire life, we sat in my car and she said that, although we had been best friends, she never wanted to see me or talk to me again. I have tried numerous times over the years to ask her forgiveness and appeal for us to be reconciled, but she has never acknowledged my letters or calls. For years, that rejection intensified my sense of shame because it was the exact opposite of steadfast and abiding love.

To think that God would choose, seek out, and love us forever? Never give up on us? This is adoption at its best. And shame disappears in the face of the marvel of adopting love.

Intimacy. Intimacy is a biblical concept that permeates Scripture from beginning to end. It is the relational experience of knowing others as they really are and being known for who we really are. The desire for intimacy is strongly related to how God has made us in his own image. Although sufficient in himself, God desires that we know and love him, hence the First Commandment (“You shall have no other gods before me”) and the Greatest Commandment (“Love the Lord your God with all your heart . . .”). As people made in his image, we share the same desire to be intimately known and fully loved. Our creation in God’s image assumes intimacy as a normal part of relationships. Yet shame, that lethal disease, eats away at our hearts—especially the place where intimacy is desired and embraced. Shame destroys the desire and ability to be known by others. Shame kills the desire and ability to know and love others.

If genuine love flows out of true intimacy, and if love for God and others is our greatest calling, intimacy is a vital part of our human experience. We will not be vulnerable with people unless we know that we are safe with them because they love us intimately.

Trusting, loving relationships are based on genuine knowledge of others. We follow Jesus because we know who he is. He has revealed himself to us and we can know him. Not fully, but truly and increasingly, as we spend time in his Word, in communion with him, in fellowship with his Spirit-filled people, and in worship. He calls us by our own names, knowing who we really are. He knows us fully, even “the secrets of the heart” (Ps. 44:21b).

Intimacy is reflected in Jesus’ explanation of what it means to be a true Shepherd of God’s people: “He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice . . . I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep” (John 10:3b–5, 14–15).

It is helpful to note that in this John 10 passage, intimacy is a crucial aspect of loving leadership and ministry. So often, our counseling with believers touches on the topic of how difficult it is to know Christian leaders. The hurts that are experienced by our pastors and elders often make them withdraw from people. The hurts that are experienced by all believers lead us to withdraw from relationships as well. When Christians are deprived of intimate, loving relationships with one another, shame often flourishes because we fear letting others see our weaknesses. Mistrust, bitterness, unforgiveness, and fear stand in the way of deep connection in the body of Christ.

Janet was praying with a friend, Patty, who was counseling her through a difficult conflict. During the prayer, Patty cried out for “Abba, Daddy” to hear her prayers for Janet. Janet cringed on the inside as she listened to her friend speak to God in such an intimate way. She knew that her relationship with God lacked that “Daddy” quality of innocent trust and intimacy. Janet began to cry because she longed to feel the loving arms of her Abba around her. She knew that she was accepted by God but felt that her acceptance was based on a technicality and she subconsciously felt that he would begrudgingly allow her into heaven because he didn’t have a way out of the obligation and was trapped by his own goodness and faithfulness. The belief that God desired her and intimately loved her had never crossed Janet’s mind.

As is often the case, Janet’s relationship with her early father impacted how she related to God. Janet’s earthly father had not shown any interest in knowing her. He had abandoned Janet as a child and when he did have any contact with her, he only expressed approval at certain performance-based accomplishments. Influenced by her earthly father, any expressions of approval from God felt to Janet like demands for greater effort to succeed and be perfect. To understand intimacy with God is to know that our shame is fully known and exposed before a holy God. God sees every bit of our hearts and knows us even better than we know ourselves (Ps. 139:13–16). He even knows the number of hairs on our heads. And guess what? He loves us. With his eyes wide open, in full knowledge of our fallenness and sin, the God of the universe tenderly loves us and accepts us. True intimacy is rooted in knowledge and depth of insight—the fundamentals of love—and it banishes shame.

Love. Paul gives the Philippians much to consider about the importance and wonder of having intimate human relationships when he writes, “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God” (Phil. 1:9–11). Paul uses powerful words—abounding love—to describe a powerful concept. Love doesn’t trickle in when love abounds and intimacy is present. Love surges forward—more and more. And shame flees in the face of love.

Jesus further defines the depth of true love and what our love for others looks like with a new commandment. (As if the second greatest commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself” in Matthew 22:39 is not enough to make us take notice, the new commandment sobers us even more.) We are called to love others as Jesus has loved us: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). While we are not always impressed by how people love themselves, and therefore not overly eager to be loved that same way, the love of Jesus for us never fails to impress and move our hearts because this is the greatest love possible (John 15:13).

Tina was a beautiful young woman who worked as a server in a restaurant. She came to talk with me (Judy) about her deep shame. When she thought she had said something inappropriate in a conversation, Tina would later bang her head against a wall while crying out “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” As I came to know Tina, I was amazed at how intelligent and thoughtful she was. Yet most people never would have known it by how she presented herself. Tina was a high school graduate with an unimpressive grade point average; she spoke with a lisp and in a way that sounded babyish. Her friends and family frequently called her a “ditz.”

As we talked, however, I discovered that Tina loved history and spent hours every day watching the History Channel or reading history books. She was an avid historian who knew names, dates, and complexities of modern history. Yet, in her family growing up, she was always the “baby” who was never taken seriously. Convinced that she was neither intelligent nor of much value and importance, Tina’s shame drove her to conceal her real interests with a cloak of poor performance and baby talk. As we began to carve away at her shame, I reflected back to her how intelligent and loveable I found her to be. I remember when she asked, “Do you really think I am smart? Do you really love me, Judy?”

Tina eventually came to recognize herself as a creation of God gifted with a talents and abilities. She turned away from false shame and embraced biblical truth as she learned to steward her gifts for God’s glory and the benefit of others. She recognized her desire to learn and soon enrolled in a local college. The last time I saw her, Tina’s lisp had disappeared and she was enjoying great success in her college courses.

Acceptance and delight. We can love many people but delightful acceptance with intimate knowledge is a foretaste of the exquisite grace that awaits us when we are reunited with Jesus Christ face-to-face. Delight is a special form of acceptance that profoundly heals shame.

In the early 1990s, my (Judy’s) pastor told me that he did not think I should enter the field of counseling because he thought I would do more harm than good. His reason for his belief was the way I related to my husband. I tried to control Jim so that he would think and act the way I thought he should. In other words, I tried to make Jim into my own image. I was hurt by my pastor’s words, yet I knew they were true. After many weeks of suffering, I had a life-changing realization: God has accepted Jim. If God has accepted Jim just as he is, who am I to reject him? Am I above God? As I reflected on Romans 15:7, I knew I was called to accept Jim, “just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”

In coming to the startling realization that God had already accepted Jim just as he is, I was able to choose to accept him as well. My marriage was radically transformed. Shame began to melt away and both of us began to grow as individuals. We came to know and understand each other for the people we really are, the people God created us to be. Within a few years, however, something new began to happen. Acceptance, bathed in intimate love, grew into delight for one another. To this day, the man I married is a huge source of delight for me. I sing his praises to everyone I meet.

What do you delight in? The fuzzy little kitten that begins to purr when you hold it to your chest? The toddler who takes his first step and squeals with joy, clapping for his own efforts? The drawing a friend creates and gives to you so that you know how special you are to him? Delight is a wholehearted, emotional response of enjoyment, appreciation, and love. Delight is a powerful antidote to shame.

I (Tara) recall with crystal clarity the first time I ever saw a father absolutely delighting in his family. It happened in college when I was visiting a family from church. As the mother, father, and children walked me around their home, the father stopped time and time again to marvel at his family’s photographs. “Wasn’t Katie a beautiful baby?” “Have you ever seen such a smile as Tori’s?” “Look at this one, Tara, isn’t my wife amazing? This was just after we lost our beloved son, and yet there June is, believing on the Lord even in her grief.” At the dinner table, George was quick to show his pleasure in his family. “Tori is growing so much in her faith. She is showing so much wisdom.” “Katie encouraged me the other day with her kindness and love.” “God has given me such a gift in my wife. I can’t believe I get to be her husband and raise our girls together. God is so good to me.”

As I listened to my friend’s delight, I tucked the thought away into a quiet piece of my heart, “I pray that one day I might have a husband who delights in me and in our children like George delights in his family.” Why does this memory stick with me after so many years? Because delight dispels shame. Shame cannot breathe or live in the flood of loving, rejoicing delight. Of course, the ultimate foundation for our delight is found in Jesus Christ. He is the Lover of our Souls who delights in us and eternally dispels our shame. Even if we do not yet experience delight in earthly relationships, we can rest secure in God’s delight in us.

From Shame to Shalom

Even as I (Tara) have spent the day working on this chapter, I have struggled with shame. My husband is caring for our little baby so that I can concentrate on writing. Shame tells me, “If you weren’t such a lousy wife, you would take better care of your husband.” I look around my home and see my attempts at cobbling our used furniture and old lamps into a warm and inviting home. Shame whispers, “If you were a better homemaker, you would know how to decorate and create a beautiful environment. You can’t even take care of a home. There’s dog hair everywhere.” We are working on having our daughter, Sophia, take naps in her crib instead of in our arms. But as she cries in protest, my shame indicts me, “You don’t have any idea what you’re doing with your baby. What makes you think you can be a mother?”

Can you imagine? Even as I am here meditating hour after hour on the many truths of Scripture as to how the gospel speaks directly to my shame, I still struggle. Some of you reading this will not be able to relate to what I’m saying. I thank God for that! I am always refreshed and blessed to share fellowship with people who do not struggle with the foreboding, horrible, vague sense that they are not good enough. Their confidence and trust in the Lord is like a refreshing breeze or a sweet melody. To not live in shame is a glimpse of heaven.

But others of you know exactly what I am talking about. You know what it is like for your shame to condemn you. You, too, struggle with horrible thoughts of your own unworthiness, dirtiness, and inadequacies. Dear sisters in Christ, there is hope! Let us run to our saving, forgiving, adopting, and accepting God. The Prince of Peace knows our hearts, our pasts, our futures, and our every deed—and he delights in us. God delights in you! He, in his awesome act of love, offered himself as a sacrifice, that we might live eternally as righteous children of God. Forever.

To know that Jesus knows us, loves us, accepts us, and has declared us righteous, is the first step toward seeing shame forever washed away. Being known, loved, and accepted by others dispels that shame even more. When we, as fallen sinful creatures, can view ourselves with the eyes of Christ, shalom abounds richly. In the light of the love of Christ, shame gives way to shalom. In grateful and humble response we cry: “Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!” (2 Cor. 9:15).

Encouraged from Sophie’s and my Bible reading this morning:

"The Lord is king forever and ever; the nations perish from his land. O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear ..." Psalm 10: 16 & 17a (ESV)

Praise the Name of the Lord!
(Alleluia)
Praise ye the Lord!
(Alleluia)
Praise ye the Lord!
(Alleluia)
Praise ye the Lord.

HT to Barbara Curtis for this amazingly beautiful testimony to God’s grace through our precious, beloved children with Down’s Syndrome:

Our Little Extras

Happy Mother’s Day, all!

Love,
Tara B.

PS
Just took Lili to the vet’s to board her for the weekend. We have a family trip to Wyoming tomorrow so that I can speak at a ladies' dinner ... and with her having, ummmmm, “potty troubles,” I didn’t think it was wise to have her in the car for so long or to have her in a hotel room.

Please do pray for me today!

I’m speaking at a church’s mother-daughter dinner tonight–and then the thing tomorrow–and I’m just in a “down” swing. I’m really praying that I will be: 1) gospel-proclaiming!; 2) funny!; and 3) helpful even in some small way for these precious ladies.

It’s such an opportunity to serve ... I’m always amazed when I am invited. BUT ... some days are just hard, you know? So anyway ... thanks for the prayers! And enjoy the pictures from Barbara Curtis. I thought they were GORGEOUS. Yours –t

Just had this article brought to by my attention:

12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child

The author is Pastor John Piper’s son, Abraham Piper.

Hope you enjoy!
– Tara B.

Yesterday I probably would’ve won some serious awards for the world’s WORST homemaker.

At one point in the afternoon, I raised my voice to Sophia. (I was VERY unloving.)

Of course, I apologized to her. And this was her response:

"I’ve already forgiven you, Momma."

Now THAT is good news.

I’m grateful that I CAN be forgiven–by God, by my daughter.
I’m grateful that God gives me great grace–every single day.
Oh–and I’m grateful that my ugly heart is not my hope for salvation. (Because MAN! If my salvation were up to my works ... well .. there is just NO WAY POSSIBLE that I could be saved.)

But then Sophie reminds me every day (yeah, Catechism!):

How then can we be saved? By the Lord Jesus Christ through the covenant of grace.

Happy, Blessed Wednesday to you all!

Yours with love,
Tara B.

E.G. has won the $99 Peacemaker Group Study from my Tennessee event last week! Congratulations and God bless you!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Did anyone else have a horrible night of sleep last night? My cause was worry–which is so ungodly, I’m ashamed to even admit it. Tried to pray. Mostly just laid in bed wanting to sleep, but unable. Bummer. Now I feel BLECH heading into my day. Oh well–some days are just like that.

Good to know that this will not last forever. And hoping that you all slept MUCH better! Happy Tuesday–tkb

Just another quick thank you to my CA friends ... this time specifically to whomever put some cash in your thank you note at the event. I don’t know who you are! (I’m still working through reading all of the beautiful cards.) But I just had to say a heartfelt thank you ...

April ended up being a much more expensive month than we had anticipated–and when I told Fred from the airport last night of your generous gift, he marveled too.

Thanks for blessing our family!

With love,
Tara B.

HT to MrsAlbrecht for this GREAT post to yet another stellar John Piper message:

Ten Reasons to Listen to Questions Before You Answer

Hope you enjoy!

God bless and lots of love,
Tara B.

Just a quick note to say HELLO and THANK YOU to my Wintersburg, CA friends! I’m still amazed that you invited me back again–it was so great to be with you last year and this year too.

Thank you again for sharing your hearts and lives with me–I truly appreciate AND enjoy you all.

Also ... I wanted to remind you that if you join our online discussion board (PeaceGals!) in the next week and email me your snail-mail address to let me know, I will enter your name in a drawing for a $99 Peacemaker Group Study!

(Plus, I would just truly love the opportunity to get to stay in touch with you all.)

Thanks again for the privilege of serving–

Your sister in Christ,
Tara B.

Since we had pretty much this exact question at our Q&A today, I thought that I’d post the link to this PeaceGals post:

Peace After Losing an Unbelieving Husband

Hope it is an encouragement and blessing to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.

Just read Andree Seu’s, "Amen! Preach it!"–an article to which I WISH I could link (like I used to link to her writings ALL the time, but now I can’t because World Mag is charging for online viewing now)–and I just have to SHOUT, AMEN!

Once again, Andree reminds us that we are called to, “lean hard against losing Christ in Christian traditions.”
That knowledge does not save us.
And knowing a lot about God is not the same thing as knowing God.

(Only, of course, SHE says it MUCH, MUCH better.)

"This is a paean to all the folks who praise at inappropriate times. They know no compartments between praise and lectures, between praise and chatting afterwards at the cafe. They waste scads of time at their carrels in the library stopping over every other sentence of Van Til to praise their glorious God.

And when it comes to that, I have noticed that nothing I ever do non-interactively ever sticks. At any given moment that my religious activities become mere doctrine and not communion with Jesus, I have, for that moment at least, stepped out of truly biblical Christian living into some other mode of being–judge, spectator, player at religion. Francis Schaeffer said true spirituality “is a moment-by-moment, increasing, experiential relationship to Christ” (True Spirituality).

Where have you gone brother? ... Maybe one of you could shout “Amen!”

Amen, Andree!
Amen and amen.

And thank you for your continued ministry to us all.

Last night as we were all wrapped up in each other’s arms as a family–Fred reading Sophie’s Bible and doing Catechism questions, Sophie snuggled into both of us–Sophie made the following statement:

"I don’t want to go to Heaven. I just want to stay here with you. I want to be in our home right here in Montana."

Of course, we simply assured her that all of the things she loves about our home are simply reflections of our Real Home to come one day–Heaven; and that the things she loves about our home are even BETTER in Heaven; and ... of course ... that she shouldn’t worry about it, but just trust that God’s grace is toward her because of Christ and go to sleep.

And so she did.

But I lay there for a long time just holding her, kissing her, and pondering her statement.

She was SO sincere! And earnest.
It was very, VERY important to her. (As well it should be.)

I thought about one of C.S. Lewis’s “Letters to Children” (one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE books!) where a mom was concerned because her young son loved Aslan more than he loved Jesus.

I don’t have the book with me here in the Salt Lake City airport (or else I’d get the exact quote for you) ... but I remember his responses as being something along the lines of:

Don’t worry about it.
Kids aren’t abstract thinkers.
It’s hard for them to picture Jesus–a “concrete,” beautiful, heroic, self-sacrificing, loving, LION is going to be much easier for your son to relate to than just the “idea” of Jesus.
Assure him that the things he loves in Aslan are really just the things he loves in Jesus.
And that God understands how little children’s minds work.
And don’t worry about it.

THEN, sitting here in the WorldClub, I downloaded my email and found yet another wonderful essay by RZIM’s Jill Carattini wherein she quotes C.S. Lewis as saying:

"There have been times when I think we do not desire heaven" he writes, “but more often I find myself wondering whether in our heart of hearts, we have ever desired anything else. You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words: but most of your friends do not see it at all, and often wonder why, liking this, you should also like that. Again, you have stood before some landscape, which seems to embody what you have been looking for all your life; and then turned to the friend at your side... and you realize that this landscape means something totally different to him, that he is pursuing an alien vision and cares nothing for the ineffable suggestion by which you are transported.” C.S Lewis, The Problem of Pain (London: Geoffrey Bles, 1940), 133-134.

And I thought, “Hmmmmmmmmmm .... maybe I should be thinking about Heaven today.”

And THEN I was thinking about this amazingly beautiful book I recently purchased for Sophia: Wait Until Then, by Randy Alcorn. And I thought, "I wonder how much longer I’m going to have to wait to read it to Sophia ... because to date, although I truly LOVE reading it (I think the words and illustrations are profound!) ... I cry too hard. And I don’t want Sophie to be troubled at too many Momma tears.

(Of course it’s OK for me to cry in front of her! But I think that certain depths of despair or sorrow are best shared with other adults–lest my tiny little lovie-muffin three year-old be overly burdened.)

And lastly, I was thinking about a couple of conversations I had this week with friends concerning how I am going to answer the innocuous question, “So–how many children do you have?”

I was thrown off my game a bit last weekend–my first out of state event since the week of our miscarriage–because as soon as someone asked me how many kids I had, this lovely/fancy ballroom just started to spin a bit as my dull mind tried to kick into gear and I thought, “Hmmmmmmm ... good question. Huh. Should’ve thought about this in advance. Hmmmmmmmmm ... ”

Because of course I have two–Sophie who is here with us and the baby that we lost a few weeks ago who now lives in Heaven. But do I REALLY need to bring up that sad loss every time someone is just making a little conversation?

Hmmmmmmm ....

I was surprised to find myself feeling, well, like I was somehow disregarding or “abandoning” the baby who died if I simply failed to acknowledge him/her.

But of course–I already struggle with being fairly relationally inept, so dropping a conversation-killing-bomb like, “Two, my daughter is three years old and we have one child in Heaven” doesn’t seem like the most wise, God-honoring, or loving of neighbor thing to do either.

(I did road test both responses, by the way, just to see how they went. Maybe you were on the receiving end of one of the two responses? Wonder what your response was …)

Having had some time to think about it and talk to some wise friends, I think I’ve landed on the “let love and wisdom dictate my response” answer. (I.e., there could ministry opportunities in mentioning our child in Heaven; but usually, I think I’ll just mention Sophia Grace and leave it there.)

All that to say ... I’ve been thinking a lot about Heaven in the last 12 hours.
And I am very grateful for the evidences of grace in my life that give me hope and assurance of my ultimate Home there one day.

(Because it sure doesn’t feel like THIS LIFE is my Home. I was just mentioning again to Fred this week how much I sometimes wish I could “belong” or “fit in”–rather than just floating around, trying to serve Fred and Sophie and our church and live a quiet life … but also doing these events or conciliations or, you know, blogging / writing ... but never really “belonging” anywhere. I’m not on staff with a ministry. I’m not “under care” by my Presbytery. I’m not practicing law; I’m not that good of a homemaker; and I’m not seminary trained. I’m stuck in this weird netherworld that is my life. To which my husband wisely responded, “Belonging is overrated, Tara. Just be yourself. Trust God. Do the next thing He calls you to. Trust that I’m looking out for you, as are Pastor Jason and elders Jeff and Frank. You’re OK. You’re doing OK.”)

So then I went to sleep too.

****

Whoa. This post is long and rambly. If I didn’t have to run to my gate, I’d reread it and edit it. (Was it Mark Twain who said, “Sorry! I didn’t have enough time to make this shorter.” ???)

I guess the bottom line is this: It’s not all about us anyway.
God is God and He does what makes Him happy.
Thankfully! (Amen!) It makes Him happy to save His children.

So for all who are in Christ—though this life is nothing but a constant death; though we are rejected and never quite fit in; though father or mother or sister or child reject us … we have hope.

Because this life is over very soon.
And the best IS yet to come.

Hope you’re all having a great Friday!

God bless you!

With love,
Tara B.

Well–Fred and I had a fight last night and we ended up sleeping in separate beds.

(Tell me–WHO is gasping right now? I assume that some of you are thinking, “WHAT?!?”)

Ok ... Ok ... I won’t keep you in suspense. The two things (our fight and the separate beds)–though true, are ENTIRELY unrelated.

The fact is, we had a big fight over the best way to train our new Golden Retriever, Lili, to walk on a leash.

And then, when Fred was downstairs working away and I was putting Sophia to bed ... apparently, I accidentally locked our bedroom door. (Actually, all I did was CLOSE the bedroom door but apparently, it was locked already.)

Poor Fred came upstairs to go to bed at like 1AM and, not knowing (I’d say REMEMBERING–since I told him in the past where they were) where the keys were, and (sweet man that he truly is!) ... not wanting to disturb Sophie and me ... he just went to bed in Sophia’s room.

The problem was, I was totally scared when I startled awake at 5:45AM and he wasn’t there!

But thankfully, I found him as soon as I opened the (unknown to me!) locked door and he came out of Sophie’s room.

I tucked him into bed with Sophia and went downstairs to get to work preparing and packing for my trip to California. (Please do pray for me! As always with my “non-standard-retreat” events, I’m feeling ill-prepared and ill-suited to serve well.)

ANYWAY ... I was thinking that this “dramatic” story might give you all a chuckle AND a little motivation to check out this article I found today at ReformedWomen.com: Directives for Avoiding Dissension in the Home, by Richard Baxter.

Oh, those Puritans. They knew what they were talking about, eh?

Happy, Blessed Thursday, all!

Yours,
Tara B.

(Do you subscribe to “Peace on Earth”–the enews publication by Peacemaker Ministries on international peacemaking? It’s a keeper and I encourage you to check it out! Here is just ONE of the articles from today’s issue ...)

SAVING FACE AND SAVING GRACE: MY PEACEMAKING EXPERIENCE IN TAIWAN
by Ken Sande, President of Peacemaker Ministries

A dear friend of mine has a medical condition that causes the buildup of toxins in her body. As these toxins accumulate, her ability to carry on normally declines. She is weighed down with constant pain and fatigue. After several months it gets so bad that she has to undergo a treatment that purges the poisonous buildup. I marvel at the difference before and after treatment, for the purge restores not only her body, but also her mind and spirit. For several months she is pain-free again and able to do things that would otherwise not be possible. Then, the cycle begins again.

In a similar way, toxins can accumulate in our relationships. Frustration, anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness slowly accrue over months or years, poisoning marriages and friendships. If not purged of these toxins, the results are bitter memories, superficial relationships, broken homes, and divided churches. But if we bring our troubled relationships to God and take hold of the gospel of Christ, the Holy Spirit works in our hearts to purge them of this poisonous buildup. Instead of division and pain, we can experience reconciliation and peace, as the Holy Spirit transforms our hearts and mends our connections to others.

The key to healing is submitting our conflicts to God and asking for his Spirit to transform our hearts and lives. Too often, we fail to do this. Sometimes our failure is the result of pride or ignorance. But, as I learned on my recent trip to Taiwan, sometimes that failure is due to strong cultural pressures within the church to avoid conflict altogether.

Like the rest of us, Taiwanese struggle with relational conflict. It infects families, churches and businesses as much in Taiwan as in the United States or any other country I’ve visited. However, in Taiwan and, more generally throughout Asia, there is an added factor...the strong, cultural priority of “saving face.”

I’m hardly an expert on Asian cultures, but I did learn that Taiwanese do not easily approach others to confess wrongdoing or to offer correction, because to do so might cause dishonor or shame, that is, a loss of face. Many new Taiwanese friends told me that they themselves struggle with this tradition. As a result, although they rejoice in their vertical reconciliation with God through Christ, they rarely experience that same kind of reconciliation on the horizontal dimension – with spouses, children, parents, neighbors, co-workers, and other church members.

The concept of preserving honor and avoiding shame is hardly new. As early as Genesis 3, we read how Adam and Eve, having eaten the fruit, realized they were naked and sewed fig leaves together to make coverings for themselves. Shame and the desire to save face and preserve honor entered the world and have plagued all of us ever since.

As an American and a cultural Westerner, I tend to think of honor and shame largely as a matter of preserving my individual dignity and pride. But, if I am beginning to understand saving face correctly, for Taiwanese it is much more complicated than this. Honor, shame, and saving face are part of a larger social quilt that includes networks of relationships and a high social priority for maintaining communal harmony. When I admit wrong, it is not just me who loses face. I also bring shame on my family, the groups in which I live, even my country. As a result, Taiwanese experience tremendous pressure to cover over offenses and avoid confrontation. While surface harmony may be maintained, genuine reconciliation and restoration rarely take place.

Like many cultural practices worldwide, preserving a person’s honor and avoiding shame contain important elements of biblical truth. We are made in the image of God. Therefore, every person possesses an inherent dignity. Moreover, Scripture calls us to respect and care for one another, counseling us to treat one another with the same kindness and compassion with which the Lord treats us.

But this call is balanced by the broader understanding that biblical love and compassion also require us to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16), to be reconciled with those who may have something against us (Matt. 5:23-24), to gently admonish those who are caught in sinful habits (Gal. 6:1), and even to involve the church in seeking to restore someone who will not listen to our individual appeal (Matt. 18:12-20). This is never easy, not for Americans and or for Taiwanese. The question all of us must answer is “How can I be biblically authentic, but also relationally and culturally wise?”

Fortunately, Scripture provides us with a wealth of wise and effective guidance. We are to “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15) and “build others up according to their needs” (Eph. 4:29). Our attitude should be the same as that of Jesus himself, “Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness” (Phil. 2:6-7). We are, Jesus told the teacher of the law in Mark 12:30-31, to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and our neighbor as ourselves.

But, knowing what the Bible says is not enough. Time and effort will be needed to work all this through in Taiwan, just as it is required in so many other places around the world, including my own country. This ought to be deeply pondered and the place it should be pondered most fully is in the Taiwanese church. It is in and through the local church, I believe, that God intends to redeem and shape culture and society, so that our relationships, especially among believers, are characterized by the same peace that we experience with our Father through the death and resurrection of his Son.

I was privileged to hear of this beginning to happen on a small scale at a dinner after the conference. I sat next to Mary, a charming Taiwanese businesswoman who had attended both days of our presentation. She told me that she had been so excited by what she had learned about biblical peacemaking that she rushed home with a copy of the new Mandarin translation of The Peacemaker and gave it to her husband. “You’ve got to read this,” she told him.

“I don’t have time,” her husband replied, “I’m way too busy.”

Mary persisted. “But, you’ve got to,” she said, “it’s life changing.”

“I said I don’t have time,” he told her again. “Don’t bother me with it.”

At this point, Mary told me, the argument would have escalated–over peacemaking, of all things–and would have ended with each retreating to their corners, wounded, with no place to go, no way to work through the hurts they had inflicted on each other.

This time, however, Mary did something different. Remembering what she had learned at the conference, she changed course and said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I can see you are busy and you don’t have time. Please forgive me.”

Mary had never expected what happened next. Rather than brush off her apology, a tear came to her husband’s eye. “Yes, I forgive you,” he told her, then apologized for his own behavior. It was the first time in their long married life that confession and forgiveness had occurred. In that moment, they began to experience the grace of God as he gently helped them release the buildup of relational poison and bring healing and restoration.

Mary’s experience, I think, gives all of us hope. We are all trapped by sin in one way or another. Jesus came to show us that it doesn’t have to be that way. He promised that the truth would set us free. Just as proper care and treatment free my friend from pain, so godly tending of our relationships can free us from the pain of separation and brokenness. And this is good news for all us, whether we are Taiwanese, or American, or members of any of thousands of other people groups that grace our world.

Just a quick note to say HELLO and THANK YOU to the ladies I just met in Memphis today! It truly was a joy to be with you all.

Also ... I wanted to remind you that (since I didn’t get to bring a resource table to your event), for ONE week only, my 5-CD Retreat Set is available for only $15 and NO SHIPPING.

Also: if you join our online discussion board (PeaceGals!) in the next week and email me your snail-mail address to let me know, I will enter your name in a drawing for a $99 Peacemaker Group Study!

(Ooooooh! I love getting biblical & practical resources into the hands of women.)

Thanks again for the privilege of serving–

Your sister in Christ,
Tara B.

I woke up this morning thinking about how incredibly broken we all are.
It’s true!

Even those of you who look SO great! (Shirt-tuckers–coordinated–beautiful hair, nails, smart, articulate, beautiful)
Even you–like me–like all of us–are broken.
Ravaged by sin–even for the regenerate, our Old Man hates God and is truly “the enemy within.”

Sin bears horrific consequences in our lives every single day.

If we could ever even GLANCE at how ugly our sin is–we would be terrified and distraught.
And then we add in our additional enemies of Satan and the world?

Our only hope is in the power of the Triune God–Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Alive.
At work.
Saving, redeeming, forgiving, adopting.

Bringing GLORY to Himself by forgiving us all our sins.
(Because it is God’s NATURE to be merciful!)

Making a WAY for His mercy through the Cross–where His JUSTICE was fully satisfied and His MERCY was fully satisfied ... so that we might be saved.

And He doesn’t do this begrudgingly.
He doesn’t REGRET saving sinners like you and me.
He doesn’t whine and complain because we’re so dull and slow to change; powerless; weak; wretched.

No!
He loves us.

God loves His children with an eternal love that is based on HIS covenant of grace–not based on us.
We are broken. So broken, in fact, that Scripture says we were DEAD in our sins!
(Can’t get more broken than dead, can you?)

But God grants us the gift of repentance and faith because it makes Him HAPPY to do so.
And of course ... for us ... this is our ONLY joy. Real joy. Eternal joy.

The love of the Father for broken children like us.

Thinking about all this brought me back to a post I wrote last year about Team Hoyt.
Did you read it? See the video?

This is the father-son triathlon team ... only, it’s really the father who is the triathlete and he CARRIES his profoundly disabled son 2.4 miles in the water, 112 miles on the bicycle track, and 26.2 miles on the running track ... over and over and over and OVER again.

Can his son add ANYTHING to his father’s work? Nope.
Is his son a BURDEN? It sure looks that way to our eyes–until you look at the LOVE in this father ... his tenderness, care, JOY in his son.

Watch this video–do you think daddy Hoyt thinks his son is a burden? NO WAY!

What about the son?
Is he fretting every day thinking, “Man! I have GOT to get my disabled legs to WORK! I have GOT to figure this thing OUT and make my palsied brain FUNCTION!”
(Could he? Is there ANY way he could WILL himself to be whole? Of course not.)

So what does he do?
He trusts his dad.
His dad loves him and takes care of him.
(Because apparently, either by saving grace or common grace, it is in this father’s NATURE to love his son.)

The spiritual analogies are too obvious for me to even state them ...
so I’ll just close by paraphrasing one of the profound truths that Pastor John Piper is always reminding us of:

"God’s glory and our happiness INTERSECT ... We truly ARE most satisfied in life when God is most GLORIFIED in us."

And also, I’d ask that you please take three minutes and watch this video.
It will be time well spent. I promise–you won’t regret it.

Heading into my day now–
Love to all,
Tara B.



From Sports Illustrated, By Rick Reilly

"I try to be a good father. Give my kids mulligans. Work nights to pay for their text messaging. Take them to swimsuit shoots.

But compared with Dick Hoyt, I suck.

Eighty-five times he’s pushed his disabled son, Rick, 26.2 miles in Marathons. Eight times he’s not only pushed him 26.2 miles in a wheelchair but also towed him 2.4 miles in a dinghy while swimming and pedaled him 112 miles in a seat on the handlebars–all in the same day.

Dick’s also pulled him cross-country skiing, taken him on his back Mountain climbing and once hauled him across the U.S. On a bike. Makes taking your son bowling look a little lame, right?

And what has Rick done for his father? Not much–except save his life.

This love story began in Winchester , Mass. , 43 years ago, when Rick Was strangled by the umbilical cord during birth, leaving him brain-damaged and unable to control his limbs.

"He’ll be a vegetable the rest of his life;'' Dick says doctors told him And his wife, Judy, when Rick was nine months old. ``Put him in an institution.''

But the Hoyts weren’t buying it. They noticed the way Rick’s eyes followed them around the room. When Rick was 11 they took him to the engineering department at Tufts University and asked if there was anything to help the boy communicate. ``No way,'' Dick says he was told. ``There’s nothing going on in his brain.''

"Tell him a joke,'' Dick countered. They did. Rick laughed. Turns out a lot was going on in his brain. Rigged up with a computer that allowed him to control the cursor by touching a switch with the side of his head, Rick was finally able to communicate. First words? ``Go Bruins!'' And after a high school classmate was paralyzed in an accident and the school organized a charity run for him, Rick pecked out, ``Dad, I want To do that.''

Yeah, right. How was Dick, a self-described ``porker'' who never ran more than a mile at a time, going to push his son five miles? Still, he tried. ``Then it was me who was handicapped,'' Dick says. ``I was sore for two weeks.''

That day changed Rick’s life. ``Dad,'' he typed, ``when we were running, It felt like I wasn’t disabled anymore!''

And that sentence changed Dick’s life. He became obsessed with giving Rick that feeling as often as he could. He got into such hard-belly shape that he and Rick were ready to try the 1979 Boston Marathon.

``No way,'' Dick was told by a race official. The Hoyts weren’t quite a single runner, and they weren’t quite a wheelchair competitor. For a few Years Dick and Rick just joined the massive field and ran anyway, then they found a way to get into the race officially: In 1983 they ran another marathon so fast they made the qualifying time for Boston the following year.

Then somebody said, ``Hey, Dick, why not a triathlon?''

How’s a guy who never learned to swim and hadn’t ridden a bike since he was six going to haul his 110-pound kid through a triathlon? Still, Dick tried.

Now they’ve done 212 triathlons, including four grueling 15-hour Ironmans in Hawaii . It must be a buzzkill to be a 25-year-old stud getting passed by an old guy towing a grown man in a dinghy, don’t you think?

Hey, Dick, why not see how you’d do on your own? ``No way,'' he says. Dick does it purely for ``the awesome feeling'' he gets seeing Rick with a cantaloupe smile as they run, swim and ride together.

This year, at ages 65 and 43, Dick and Rick finished their 24th Boston Marathon, in 5,083rd place out of more than 20,000 starters. Their best time? Two hours, 40 minutes in 1992–only 35 minutes off the world record, which, in case you don’t keep track of these things, happens to be held by a guy who was not pushing another man in a wheelchair at the time.

``No question about it,'' Rick types. ``My dad is the Father of the Century.''

And Dick got something else out of all this too. Two years ago he had a mild heart attack during a race. Doctors found that one of his arteries Was 95% clogged. ``If you hadn’t been in such great shape,'' One doctor told him, ``you probably would’ve died 15 years ago.'' So, in a way, Dick and Rick saved each other’s life.

Rick, who has his own apartment (he gets home care) and works in Boston, and Dick, retired from the military and living in Holland, Mass. , always find ways to be together. They give speeches around the country and compete in some backbreaking race every weekend, including this Father’s Day.

That night, Rick will buy his dad dinner, but the thing he really wants to give him is a gift he can never buy.

``The thing I’d most like,'' Rick types, ``is that my dad sit in the chair and I push him once.''