considerable grace

Why is it that everything feels like a SPIDER just after one scampers across your workspace? (Even if you’ve squashed the poor thing into oblivion?)

Inquiring minds working hard in a basement want to know ...

Here’s a little tip that has nothing to do with biblical peacemaking but I hope blesses you nonetheless:

If you use computers for any projects, BACKUP! BACKUP! BACKUP!

I shared this advice with a new friend this week and found out yesterday that she had a big ol' computer crash on Thursday and would have lost ALL of her work for the week if she hadn’t ... HOORAY! ... listened to my advice and backed-up like a crazy gal as she worked.

Here is how I backup/save my work on big projects:

1. I save EVERY SINGLE TIME I type. Every. Even if it’s just a word or two. I type as fast as a person can speak and it takes NO TIME to click “alt-F-S.” (I use that rather than “ctrl-S” because “alt-F-S” does not require you to shift your hands off of your type-by-touch hand position but “ctrl-S” makes you shift AND puts stress on your pinkie too.)

2. The first thing I do when I start work again on a new day is save a backup copy to an “archive” directory AND email a copy to someone/somewhere OFF of my hard drive. This protects me and I always know that JUST IN CASE something goes very, very wrong (like my house burns down), I know that I’ll never lose more than that current day’s work.

3. If I am in “crunch mode” and I HAVE to make a hard deadline, I save additional copies as I work throughout the day (i.e., every hour or two hours or whatever). I ask myself: Have I made so many improvements/changes that it would REALLY be hard to recover if I lost the work? If so ... BACKUP BACKUP BACKUP!

So why am I so crazily-committed to backing up?

I think it goes WAY back to the 1980’s. (Yes, yes ... my dear friends who weren’t even ALIVE or OUT OF DIAPERS in the '80’s ... yes, we did have computers. They had teeny-tiny little screens with GREEN text and one line of text at a time via an old-fashioned DOS prompt, but we had computers.)

ANYWAY ... I distinctly remember our computer teacher telling us all the time how important it was to backup our work. (Of course we know-it-all teenagers ignored him.)

But during one class toward the end of the semester when we were all working furiously on a HUGE project that was a MAJOR part of our grade ... the teacher CUT OFF THE POWER TO THE ROOM. We lost everything. EVERYTHING. Because we hadn’t backed-up.

I remember being SOOOOOOO MAD.
SOOOOOOOO ANGRY!
I couldn’t BELIEVE he did that!

But he just said to us all:

"You will never forget this lesson."

And he was right.

Hope this saves you from a project loss one day!

Sending you love,
Tara B.

The next time someone fails to meet our expectations and desires ...
Isn’t quite as friendly and warm as we’d like ...
Doesn’t say the right thing or do the right thing or even look the right way to us ...

I wonder: Couldn’t we just give them a BREAK?!

You know–cut them some slack.
Give them the benefit of the doubt.

(I.e., maybe she’s not a JERK. Maybe she’s scared. Tired. Maybe she just received another horribly harsh call from her mother-in-law. Maybe she’s TRYING to relate well, but she can’t quite keep up with the conversation and then she feels stupid and thinks the better thing to do is just to stay quiet ... but then we’re tempted to think she is proud and haughty and “stuck-up.”

Maybe your pastor isn’t intentionally hurting you–maybe he’s just astoundingly busy serving 500 people and the family that lost a baby, the marriage that is about to split, the dad who is addicted to online pornography, the lawsuit that is about to start between two members, and the woman who just attempted suicide ... are all taking a lot of his time this week. Maybe he DOES care about you and he DOES want to shepherd you well–but he is human and limited in what he can do with 24 hours in a day.)

Maybe we can just give them a little kindness. A little mercy.
Not expect perfection from them.
Overlook (unilaterally forgive) the things that disappoint us.

Give them grace. Just like we receive grace every single day.

I’ve been convicted this week of just how often I am selfish in how I relate with people.
I expect things to be a certain way–and I am tempted to withhold my love from them when they let me down.

But God is calling me to repent!
To treat people NOT as they deserve–but as God treats me.

Uncomfortable? Yup.
Pleasant? Nope.
Crazy, even? That’s what the world would say.

Christianly? Ahhhhh ... now we’re getting down to it.
Is it Christ-like to do good even to those who hate us? More or less people who just annoy us and fail to meet our expectations?

Yes yes yes.

Please help us, Lord!
For your glory. For our good.
And for the proclamation of the gospel.
Amen & Amen

I think I’ve only quoted my own book (Peacemaking Women) once on this blog so far ... so I hope you don’t mind if I do so tonight.

I’ve just been remembering a sweet story that Judy told in Chapter 1 about her daughter’s explanation of the gospel–and I thought it might be an encouragement to all of us as we close out our workweeks and head to bed tonight.

I’m especially praying that it might encourage two of my dear friends whose families are currently struggling with some heart-breaking sorrows related to their adult children.

As I’ve been praying and praying throughout the day, I have truly sought to remember the gospel: the entire redemptive work of God in Christ.

I hope this quick summary is a joy to you as well.

God bless and g'nite,
Tara B.

*

We will lack deep peace if we fail to understand that God is both completely holy and wonderfully merciful.

God is holy. He is completely free from all impurity and imperfection (Lev. 11:44). God is great and glorious. He is above all things and yet intimately associated with all things (Isa. 40:12–26; Ps. 145:3). Because God is holy, we ought to experience a sense of awe when we think of God. If our attitude toward God is that he is only our “buddy,” then we probably have little motivation to obey him when the going gets tough. If we have no fear of God or sense of his majesty, why would we ever follow the difficult and seemingly foolish command to love our enemies (Luke 6:27)? But if we truly know God, we will describe him just as Mr. Beaver, in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, describes the Christ-figure, Aslan: “. . . safe? ’Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”5 As the holy King, God is to be honored and obeyed.

We are glorious ruins. We simply cannot revere God as we ought. Compared to his holiness, even our best is filth (Isa. 64:6). We are “glorious ruins” created in God’s image and likeness but damaged by the Fall (Genesis 1–3).6 Apart from the Spirit of Christ dwelling within, we are totally without the ability to do good or to choose what is right. All of us share in Adam’s sinful state of rebellion against God (Ps. 51:4). We are deceived and enslaved by sin (Ps. 19:12–14). Our thoughts, emotions, and actions flow out of our sinful hearts. Our sin traps us in a miry pit so deep that we cannot dig ourselves out. We are hopelessly lost in sin, unable to save ourselves (Rom. 1:18–3:20). The result of our sin is death (Rom. 6:23).

God is merciful. When the radiance of God reveals our sin, one temptation is to condemn ourselves and pull away from God. Like Elizabeth from the beginning of this chapter, we can easily enter into seasons of intense activity meant to “do all the right things” to try to earn God’s love and approval. Since we can never be good enough to compel God to accept or love us, we are in desperate need of his mercy (Ps. 40:2). God demonstrates mercy by not giving us what we deserve. Our sin requires punishment, but the mercy of God withholds it and even lavishes life upon us!

Praise God! His mercy to us is vast and new every day (Lam. 3:22–24). God saves us from our sin and gives us new life. He does this not because we deserve or earn his mercy, but because it brings him pleasure and demonstrates his great love for us (Eph. 1:3–5; John 3:16).

Jesus satisfies both the holiness and the mercy of God. The holiness and mercy of God meet in the crucifixion of Christ. Jesus’ life and substitutionary death on the cross fulfill the righteous requirements of a holy God and provide a way for God, through Jesus Christ, to save those who are his. Jesus voluntarily gave his life to ransom us from our captivity to sin—and eventual eternal death (Matt. 20:28 ). He put himself in our place, became our substitute, and took on himself the penalty of our own sins. Through the cross of Christ, both the justice and mercy of God are fully satisfied. In the words of John Piper, “The death of Christ is the wisdom of God by which the love of God saves sinners from the wrath of God, and all the while upholds and demonstrates the righteousness of God.”7

Even children can embrace this truth with confidence. When my (Judy’s) daughter, Robyn, was only ten years old, she gave her testimony at our church. As she proclaimed her faith publicly, I was moved to tears. Tears soon became laughter as Robyn surprised the congregation by saying, “I am grateful for Christ’s double imputation.” She explained how the righteousness of Jesus Christ had been imputed (credited) to her and how her sin was imputed (credited) to Jesus, which is why he died on the cross. I was amused to hear Robyn use this twenty-dollar phrase. Yet, we are all called to remind ourselves of this truth whenever we are tempted to doubt God’s love for us. Jesus took our place of punishment that we might stand in his place of perfection. When God looks at us, he sees Christ’s own righteousness because he has made a judicial declaration that the righteousness of Christ is imputed to all who trust in him. We have done nothing to deserve God’s gracious gift, but we are the grateful recipients of the blessings of a holy and merciful God. In this, we delight like a bride on her wedding day: “I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels” (Isa. 61:10).

Many thanks, again, to Carolyn McCulley! This dear and wise sister continues to hit it out of the park on her blog, SoloFemininity.com.

Quoting Michael Lawrence on counter-cultural beauty, she posted this:

"Finally, immerse yourself in a counter-cultural understanding of beauty. I stand by what I said at the beginning: Beauty is culturally determined and we cannot escape our culture. If you are surrounded by people and media that say beauty is merely a matter of body shape and color, then you will find it almost impossible to be attracted to anything else. But if you are in regular conversation with people who think otherwise, if you are listening to messages that say otherwise, if you witness passionate, intimate marriages that prove otherwise, then your definition of beauty and your sense of attraction will be changed by that culture.

Where can you find such a culture? You can find it only in a healthy, biblical, local church.

As Christians, we are citizens of more than one culture. The Bible presents a worldview, including a definition of beauty, that’s opposed to the worldview of our culture. But a worldview that is not lived out is just dead theory. The biblical worldview takes on counter-cultural life in the context of the church. In the community of God’s people, as we listen to God’s word and allow it to transform us, we find the vision of beauty we need to transform our preferences and desires from weak, worldly lusts into strong, godly attraction to true beauty.

What’s more, in this kind of culture, women understand what it means to be truly beautiful, and they know how to pursue that beauty. Most of all, they are confident that attaining such beauty is worth it. Not just so the guys will notice them, but because the guys have encouraged them above all to shape the whole of their lives for the loving gaze of God. His eyes never fail to recognize true beauty and his heart never fails to be attracted to it. Men, why would we want to be any different?"

So do you think that I am the worst person in the whole world when I tell you that I am hyper-crazy-Tara-vigilant about staying off of people’s home-based business mailing lists?

I never (never!) go to parties for cooking supplies, makeup, jewelry, lotions, stationery, candles ... whatever.

And I almost always gently request that people remove me from their mailing marketing lists (especially email lists).

There. Now. I’ve said it. I’ve admitted it.
Don’t you just think I’m a terrible, horrible person?

I mean–these are all businesses by women.
Women who are prayerfully and wisely contributing to their family budgets.
Women I respect and enjoy and admire and love!

But there I am

-Probably hurting them (although I don’t want to!)

- Not supporting them financially (although I’d be happy to just anonymously give their families CASH so that they could have the full amount rather than the $.50 per tupperware container that they earn otherwise)

- Missing out on opportunities to work on my people skills (as we sit around the room and hope that our names are called in the little freebie giveaway drawing)

So don’t you think I’m just awful?

But there are just SO MANY ...
And I couldn’t figure out how to only go to one or two or SOME ...
So I just say no to all of them.

But I always feel a little bad in that awkward moment of, “Would you please remove my email from your mailing list?”

Hmmmmmmmmm ... maybe I should just let them all come and ignore them? (But then I feel guilty that they are spending money investing in sending me cute postcards and mailings, etc.)

Maybe I should start actually GOING to the little parties?

Double hmmmmmmmmmm ...

I wonder how you all handle this little challenge?
(Maybe you can convince me to change my game plan?)

If not ... please ... everyone ... don’t take it personally!
I just have the joy of interacting with hundreds of women every single year ... and I simply can’t handle being on all of the distribution/marketing lists.

Oh–and no thank you, I’m not interested in SELLING your wonderful products either. (You wouldn’t believe how often I am approached to sell stuff! Especially after I teach at a women’s event. But I always politely decline.)

OK. I’ve blogged it–now back to work.
I’m making progress! Praise the good Lord.
(I do! I do!)

Happy Friday, all–

Yours,
Tara B.

Do you remember my bestest friend, Dixie, in Illinois?
And her wonderful husband and their three boys?

And how (during our recent visit) I was seriously thinking about arranged marriages and praying, “Who knows?! Maybe?!” as I spent time with these absolutely amazing kids and thought of a potential husband for Sophia.

!!

Well ... I’ve been meaning to share these adorable photos with you for weeks now ... so (finally!) here they are. (Can’t you imagine these in a slideshow at a rehearsal dinner in like 20 years? Hmmmmmmmmm ....)

I remember once observing a group of young girls and being truly creeped out.

These girls were from Christian homes and they ranged in age from–I’m guessing here–6 to 8 years old.

As I watched them play, I saw incredibly disturbing things:

- Two of the girls were obviously quite dominant. (I kept thinking of the term “Alpha Girl” when I looked at them.) They were “in control” and it was quite obvious that the other little girls wanted to be wanted by the “leaders.”

- At various times, they would look at someone and point and LAUGH in that “insider” / clique sort of way that creepily reminded me of my own behavior in, like, junior high. (I was “popular” because I was manipulative and “powerful” in how I related with my peers. UGH!!)

- Even a little girl who I know to be sweet when she’s one-on-one was drawn into this whole sad relational dance. She hung around them until they let her join in and then she did all the things that they did.

The whole thing just made me incredibly sad.

AND ... honestly? I was tempted to judge them and their parents. ("What kind of Christian parent/kid would ...")

But instead, I’ve been praying (thank You, Lord!) and seeking counsel from women I respect as to this whole “group dynamic” / clique thing ... because, obviously, it’s going to be an important part of our shepherding of Sophia’s heart.

Reflecting on all of this, I’ve been thinking of a couple of young men I’ve known (and prayed for) in our church who I could TOTALLY see standing up against this kind of peer pressure. (I.e., I could easily see the teenager walking into a high school cafeteria and going up to the “nerdiest” most EXCLUDED and rejected boy, introducing himself, and getting to know the “outcast.” And if “the cool kids” challenged him? ("Dan! Dan! Don’t talk to him ... he’s a LOSER!") I could completely see this dear, wonderful kid reflecting on all that his parents have taught him and modeled for him over the years ("Son, it takes absolutely no moral courage to go along with the crowd. Be a man. Remember that the “outcast” is created in God’s image–AND he might even turn out to be a really interesting, fun friend.") And I could just see this young man loving God and loving his neighbor WAY MORE than he loved acceptance by kids that he neither respected nor enjoyed.

But that would take some serious maturity, wouldn’t it?

I am SO praying that God will soften Sophia’s heart and this temptation to Fear Man and long to FIT IN will not rule her. But instead–she will have a quiet, courageous, loving spirit that reflects Christ.

Because ... MAN! I remember being really creeped out by the group think/clique dynamic. Eek!
But I also remember loving how Sophie helped a toddler on the slide ("Big kids look out for the little kids, right Momma?") and I loved watching our friends talk with and enjoy one another’s fellowship.

So anyway ... do you all have any wisdom or counsel as to how you have prayerfully taught, encouraged, and disciplined your children in this regard? Please pass it along if you do. I’m seeking wisdom from Heaven!

Hope you all enjoy a lovely, lovely Thursday–

God bless and much love,
Tara B.

Isn’t it interesting how delicious healthy foods taste when you take a break from overindulging in junk foods?

I’ve had a horribly stressful day and it was true grace that I didn’t sin with food (like I am sorely, sorely, SORELY tempted to do all the time).

But a few minutes ago, I was genuinely hungry and I had the most wonderful bowl of strawberries, blueberries, and even a few raspberries from our own backyard. I also had a yummy handful of carrots.

Seriously? This is a true grace.
And I’m marveling at how yummy healthy food tastes when you’re genuinely hungry.

Hope you’re all having a much better day than I am.



Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Just a little update (about an hour after I wrote this post) ...

I was thinking that I had survived a bummer of a day and then, guess what? I just slammed/dropped a very heavy drawer on the top of my foot!! So now I’m limping around on a black/green/bleeding bruised foot. Blech blech blech. What a day. I’m looking forward to SLEEP.

Fred and I had a few chuckles last night as we looked at some of the search terms that bring people to this blog.

Many of them are what I’d expect:

- resolving conflict with women in a christian way
- christian ladies conference planning
- ways of showing love to neighbors
- women and peacemaking

But some just make me laugh and wonder what the story behind them could possibly be:

- names teach knitting machine s.l.c. utah
- snicky snacks
- rude women with strollers

But here’s my absolute FAVORITE search term that brought someone to this site:

the best thing you can do when you’re married is put your trust in God and pray alot for your marriage and be joyful towards your husband

Now THAT’S a great search term.



Hope you all enjoy a wonderful Wednesday!

I have so much to get done today–I’m praying that I will be diligent and faithful.

Yours,
Tara B.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in the basement lately. Our temperatures have been in the high 90’s and it’s just so cool down here that I really like it. Plus, I’ve been working on a big editing project, and it’s a good workspace for me.

Anyway ... being down here reminds me of the “summer of many surgeries” years ago when I worked very hard to lose weight and get in shape to “try again” to get pregnant. (I spent a lot of time in the basement because I couldn’t go up and down stairs easily and since I was mostly in bed, it was the best place to be.)

I remember so specifically how little I ate and how healthily I ate.
I remember exercising (even after successive knee surgeries) and trying so hard to be strong and fit.
I remember losing 10 lbs, 20 lbs, 30 lbs and being the strongest and healthiest I’d been since I was 18 years old.

And I remember looking in the mirror and thinking:

"I will NEVER gain back this weight. Never."

Little did I know that, not only would I gain back THAT weight, I’d ADD ON AN ADDITIONAL 70 lbs before my peak of overindulgence and hiding and idolatrous / addictive use of food was over.

(Blech blech blech! What a drag.)

Being down here in the basement, I have been REALLY tempted to DWELL ON “what could have been” ... IF I hadn’t gained the weight; IF I had stayed strong and fit; IF I hadn’t been such a sinful / wasteful / stupid person, etc. etc. etc.

But then it hit me:

There is absolutely NOTHING to be gained by dwelling on what “might have been” and then KICKING MYSELF over my sin/foolishness/humanness. Such condemnation does NOT testify to the forgiveness that I have in Christ. Such condemnation does NOT encourage me in faith’s fight against sin today. It’s just wasted energy that neither glorifies God nor loves my neighbor.

And so, by faith, I am striving to NOT dwell on all that stuff in the past. But instead, to take life one day, one hour, one eating decision at a time.

Like today.
It’s been SUCH a good day in many regards ...

- I have been blessed by a true friend who helps me with Sophia and then lavishly allows us to get to spend time with her daughter too. (This is a real blessing for our family!)

- I had the joy of helping a friend this morning for a couple of hours AND I learned a lot and was greatly encouraged by our conversation as we labored.

- One of my projects this week introduced me to a wonderful young woman–fresh out of college–who was simply a DELIGHT to spend time with. She blessed my socks off.

BUT ... my day also had some painful aspects to it. And honestly? After a day of exercising and eating healthily and drinking lots of water ... come 5:00 I was JUST SO TEMPTED TO EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT.

It was like:

- Who CARES that I got to spend time this weekend pruning out my closets of clothing that is too big now!? (Hey–regarding that, I have a bunch of plus sized cute CJ Banks clothing that I was thinking about trying to sell on Ebay, but I’d much rather give it all away if you or someone you know would benefit from it. Drop me an email if you’re interested.)

- Who CARES that this morning I got to wear a super-cute top that the ladies bought for my dvd taping last March, but I couldn’t wear then because it was too small ... but it fit today!? (30 lbs does make a difference.)

- Who CARES that I have more energy and I take less medicines for my back because my pain level keeps going down and down and down!?

- Who CARES that I have been a (slightly) better role-model for Sophia when it comes to stewarding health!?

In that MOMENT ... when I’m tired and sad and stressed and I feel REJECTED (again) ...

My propensity is to sin.
But God gives us more grace!
He ALWAYS provides a way out.

I literally begged God: PLEASE help me to remember ONE TRUE THING ABOUT YOU in THIS moment! Please help me to NOT dull off my grief or sadness, but experience my emotions with faith and a God-centered focus that testifies to Your goodness and Your Fatherly care. PLEASE, God, help me to be honest about my ... my ... my anger? Resentment? Frustration? Hurt? Whatever it is ... I can never DEAL WITH IT BIBLICALLY if I keep hiding from it and dulling it off.

And so I didn’t stop at ANY restaurants on the drive home. (Not even the “healthy” ones. Do you ever try to justify things like that? )

I tried to STOP and THINK about a reasonable, healthy meal that I could eat. And then I ate it.

And now–I am praying. And remembering.
(NOT eating a blizzard with extra toppings.)

A modern day miracle.
Truly!

Some of you won’t get this at all. You just don’t have this temptation in your life.
I say, “Hooray!”

But for those of us who struggle, I say ...
You are not alone.
God is good!
Let’s run to HIM.

Amen?
Amen.

God bless you, my friends!

Yours,
Tara B.

*UPDATE*
I’ve had the joy of sharing the clothing with some of our friends!
(So they’re all gone now.)
But hey! Maybe I’ll have some more to give away in a couple of months?!?
Love to all! – tkb
*UPDATE*

OK, team. I have a request ...

Would you pretty please take 30 seconds and respond to three questions for me? I would REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate it. (You can leave a comment–TOTALLY ANONYMOUSLY IS JUST FINE!!–or send me an email or whatever you are most comfortable with.)

Here are the questions:

1. Does your church (and ANY church you know) practice biblical peacemaking?

2. If YES, do you have any idea HOW the church got interested in peacemaking? (I.e., Did someone have a conflict? Was there a Bible study or Sunday School class on peacemaking? Did the leaders get excited about peacemaking and then “implement it”?)

3. Do you think it would be wise for there to be more WOMEN’S materials / resources on peacemaking? If so ... WHY?

Thanks for sharing your counsel and wisdom!

(I’m REALLY hoping for a boatload of comments/emails. I know that over 600 people read my blog every week ... so pretty please share share share! )

*UPDATE*
Thanks so much for ALL of the many emails!!
My Inbox is packed and I’m excited to read through them all.
Thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks!!

I absolutely cringed this weekend when I realized what a strong tendency I have to (silently of course! don’t want to look bad ... ) judge certain women.

(I do.
I really do.

Oh! This is such a graceless sin.
I am really struck and disgusted by my heart.)

I know that I am adopting a loveless attitude toward them because inwardly I hear this little voice:

"What kind of a CHRISTIAN would ..."

And then there is a list of “offenses” that really, are just opportunities for love, kindness, forbearance, friendship, patience ... growth in grace.

I hear this grace in the words of people around me who don’t judge, but instead come alongside these women, accept them ("just as Christ accepted you in order to bring praise to God" Romans 7:5, right?), love them, and help them to grow.

(This is how I want to be! Oh, forgive me, God. Please forgive my proud, vain, unloving, judgmental, faithless and graceless heart.)

You’ve heard the old adage:

"There’s just something about HER I can’t STAND ... about me."

I’m sure it’s true in this circumstance.

Because the things I am so judgmental about are the very things I struggle with!
And the way these women “bug” me is, I am absolutely SURE, the very way I bug people every day.

Oh! May God have mercy on our souls.
Forgive us our sins.
And unite our hearts in genuine Christian unity and love.

You know–this will only happen as we repent of our self-focus and intentionally (with all of our energy and effort and focus and drive and emotions and thoughts and actions!) lay hold of Christ in right worship.

Then–we will see His glory.
Our sin.
His mercy!
Our only hope.

And this–this gospel!–will enable us to give mercy to and have hope for the people around us.

Be glorified, we pray, O God!
Be glorified.
Amen.

No big (or small) spiritual insights here ...

Just a note to let you know that as of this weekend, I have officially switched from Netflix to Blockbuster and I am SO HAPPY that I did:

- Although my sister and “her Fred” (in Chicago) get their Netflix videos in ONE DAY, it has taken one WEEK for me to get mine (approximately 2-3 days for them to get my return and than another day to get a new one);

- But Blockbuster has this SUPER COOL feature where you can return your video to the STORE and they IMMEDIATELY send you your next online video out of your queue ... AND they give you a free rental RIGHT THEN THAT VERY MINUTE; and

- All of this costs the exact same as Netflix. To the penny.

Well ... my “working through old tv shoes on dvd while working out” brain AND my ol' MBA brain (which found the competitive advantage of Blockbuster’s brick & mortar stores fascinating) just couldn’t resist such a deal.

Guess I get to find out this week how Season 5 of “24” resolves! (Shhhhh ... please don’t tell me. No spoilers here. )

We’re enjoying such a sweet, quiet Sabbath.
A day at home.
What a gift!

Hope you are all enjoying a blessed, blessed day–

Yours,
Tara B.

Fred: Mowing the lawn.

Sophia Grace & Lilikoi (our Golden Retriever Puppy): Splashing in the $5 wading pool we bought from the grocery store.

Me: Cleaning closets and mining for clothing to a) wear; b) return to my sister; & c) give away.

("Interruption" as I’m balancing boxes on top of a step-stool: “Mom! Mom! Come quick! I found the most BEAUUUUUUUUU-TIFUL flowers!! Look! Look!”
Enter: Two wilted dandelions lovingly held in the summery/dirty hands of a beaming three year-old.
Me: “They are lovely, dear. Truly lovely.”
Soph: “I’m going to keep them inside.”
Me: “Good idea, love. Great idea.”)

Now THIS is a rich life. A truly, truly rich life.

(To God be the glory–great things He has done!
So loved He the world that He gave us His Son
Who Yielded His life an atonement for sin
And opened the lifegate that all may come in!

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the earth hear His voice.
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Let the people rejoice.

Oh come to the Father through Jesus the Son
And give Him the glory great things He has done!)

Just read Molly R’s blog and learned for the first time about this guy named Paul Potts.

Do you know who he is? (Guess he won a big competition called “Britain’s Got Talent”.)

Have you seen the latest “YouTube” video rage of him singing?

Even though I must confess that I’ve never seen, “American Idol” (but of course I have a general idea of the premise and the grouchy guy named Simon, etc.), I was blessed and I strongly encourage you to take two minutes to watch it.

What a great way to end the day. Thanks, Molly!

(Oh–and thank You, God, for a day with no raising my voice to Sophia! Praise God! Praise God. Honestly? I hope this day is just the first day of every day of the rest of my life only speaking in accordance with Ephesians 4:29 to my daughter.)

Love to all and g'nite!!

Yours,
Tara B.

Martha10 left a very sweet and encouraging comment to my recent tongue-in-cheek post on “does it count as homeschooling” ...

(Thanks for the kindness, Martha!)

But in order to combat any “overly-rosy” picture that she might have of ol' Sophie’s life, I thought I’d let you all in on one of my goals for today:

I am prayerfully striving to go just ONE DAY without raising my voice to Sophia.

(I am SO SO SO ashamed to even write that!!)

You know ... I didn’t used to raise my voice or use “the tone” with her.
Well–not very often and certainly not on a regular basis.

In fact, I think I might have–at one time–A LONG TIME AGO–even had slightly proud, Pharisaical thoughts toward “those people” who raise their voices to their children. I thought, “How could THEY?!”

But of course, now, seeing even more the depth of depravity of my sin, I think, “How do people NOT use the tone with their kids?!?”

(God is definitely going to have to give me grace and help in this battle!)

What’s really dumb, I think, is how I can be SOOOOOOOOOO patient with Sophie on SOME things (that I know drive people CRAZY!) ... but then I feel frustrated over ridiculous things. (Like her struggling with reading–I mean, give me a break! What mother in her right mind would get frustrated with a three-and-a-half-year-old over READING!? I should just be shocked and thrilled that she WANTS to learn to read and she LIKES to read and she squeals with glee and cheers, “I can read! I can read!” when she learns a new phonics rule and “puts it all together” into a “REAL WORD!” But no, sometimes I actually lose my temper over her progress on a difficult word. Now THAT is clearly SIN.)

ANYWAY ... I really appreciate your constant encouragement, Martha10, and I AM grateful for how much God has grown me so that I can even TRY to provide a happy, healthy, God-centered, safe, secure, stable home for Sophia.

But I do hope that no one has any “ideal” picture in their mind when they think of the Barthel home life.

Rather, I truly hope and pray that you have a perfect picture of our Perfect God–Who forgives mothers who raise their voices (and gives us the opportunity to model repentance and confession to our children too; better not to sin, yes! But oh so good to be forgiven!) ...

Who forgives mothers who neglect their duties to indulge their self-centeredness by “escaping” with food, television, reading, etc. (and then calls us to repent of our sin and get to work OR to enjoy refreshing REST–rather than addictive, dark, hidden sins that only leave us feeling WORSE) ...

Who forgives mothers who still can’t cook even though they are officially “almost 40” now (and even lavishly gives us husbands who laugh and help and cheerily eat peanut butter or cereal if things just completely crash and burn–literally–in the kitchen) ...

I truly do NOT want to sin so that grace can abound more and more.
But I AM grateful that God has made a way for us to be right with Him and with the people around us.
(Especially our children!)

So anyway ... I’ve made it through walking Lili, working out at the gym, coming home and doing Bible, violin, reading, logic, and mostly just a lot of cuddles and playtime adventures involving–let’s see, who is at my feet? Looks like the entire Backyardigans gang and tiny teddy bears from Michigan, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Chicago. (Seriously! I have GOT to learn to resist those airport stores, eh? But she finds the states and cities on her little map and remembers where they all came from and ... well ... I’m just not sounding like someone who has made up her mind to not get any more state-specific-airport-bears, am I?)

I’ll try to remember to let you know if I make it through the entire day AND night without raising my voice. (Deacon Fred is helping a family tonight so we’re trying to come up with a fun girls-night-adventure. Hmmmm ... maybe bedtime at 7:30??)

Thanks, all!
And God bless you–

With love,
Tara B.

Don’t miss this wonderful read over at Carolyn McCulley’s Solo Femininity.

What a precious reminder of the goodness of God.
Thanks, Carolyn!
And be blessed, all–

Yours,
Tara B.

Does it count as homeschooling if you count out loud when you do your 500-zillion abs in the morning?



Happy Thursday all!

Remember–if you’re struggling ... this too shall pass. Every day of your life will not feel like this AND all suffering will be OVER one day.

If you’re happy ... every good and perfect gift comes from above. Rejoice! Rejoice.

If you’re like me ... struggling / happy / struggling / happy, don’t forget to REST.
Trust that your relationship with God is not based on you, but on His merciful, saving kindness.
And ULTIMATELY ... we’re OK. We ARE and we WILL BE ... forever ... redeemed.

Talk with you later–I’m out the door to Soph’s swim lessons.

Yours,
Tara B.

Well, I made a faux pas last Sunday ...

I forgot that my OWN father (and his wife, Marlene) both read my blog ... and so I mistakenly forgot to wish HIM a Happy Father’s Day in my “Happy Father’s Day to the two men I know of who read my blog” post last Sunday.

Sorry, Dad & Marlene! I just forgot that you read my blog.

So here’s a belated Happy Father’s Day post to the THIRD man I know of who reads my blog, my own dad, Joe Klena.

Thanks, dad, for:

- Letting me, as a tiny little girl, follow you around in the early morning hours as you did chores and got ready for work. (I still love early morning as my favorite time of the day.)

- Mowing our lawns all of those many years–and sometimes even paying us girls to pick up sticks for you first. (To this day, I still can’t see a man on a riding lawn mower without thinking of you.)

- Working hard to provide houses and cars and food and clothing for us. (I have sweet memories of our homes in Plainfield, Green Bay, and Rock Creek!)

- Allowing us to have pets during our growing-up years. (Wooster & Sunshine & Eclipse will always hold a precious part in my heart. Even poor ol' Troy was dumb, but sweet, eh?)

- Supporting my efforts in music during my elementary years by buying me a cornet & piano and then by attending concerts and paying for lessons. (I simply can’t imagine what high school and college would’ve been like without music!)

- Carrying me into my bedroom when I pretended to fall asleep in the car after a long trip.

- Buying us a pony and teaching us how to take care of animals and enjoy being muddy and dirty after a long, hard day’s work.

- Making such an effort to come to all of my graduations and my wedding too–even though you lived so far away by then.

- Coming all the way to Montana to welcome Sophia Grace when she was born.

I appreciate you, Dad, and I’m really sorry that I forgot that you read my blog.

I pray that you and Marlene enjoy a blessed day today!

With love,
Tara

UPDATE! Everything is gone. ZIP ZIP ZIP! I posted and it went bye-bye. How FUN is THAT?! I’m definitely going to do this again when I’m cleaning out my books and teaching tapes/CDs in the future. (And you know I will be! )

I had a lovely day of cleaning/organizing today and I thought I’d offer some of my old, but excellent, training materials on Christian conciliation to the first person who says they would like 'em.

If you’re interested, please just email me your snail-mail address and I’ll pop ‘em in a box and send ’em on their way. (Oh–and I’d REALLY like to just send them all out as a GROUP so that I don’t have to package up individual boxes over and over again. If you’d like ‘em and you’re the first person to write me and ask for the conciliation materials, you get ’em all.)

These are a combination of audiotapes and CDs:

- Christlike Dialogue (J. Rosenau)
- From the Inside Out: Reflections of a Party in a Christian Conciliation Dispute (R. DiCianni)
- Marriage and Divorce Conciliation in the Church (K. Sande)
- Understanding the Legal Issues of Divorce (C. Gans)
- Dynamics of Polity in Church Conflict (D. Reiter)
- God Will Judge Men’s Secrets as the Gospel Declares / No Condemnation (A. Poirier)
- Conciliation in Sexual Abuse Cases (P. Tripp & K. Sande)
- How to Apply Scripture Effectively in Conflict (E. Welch)
- Spiritual Disciplines of a Conciliator (D. Reiter)
- Building Bridges Not Walls (J. Rosenau)
- A Blindness that Begs for Jesus' Touch (A. Poirier)
- Writing Arbitration Decisions (B. Bowdre)

Oh–and I also found some great WIC (Women in the Church–my denomination’s women’s ministry) CD’s that I thought someone might like too. (I’d like to keep these as a GROUP too, so the first person who emails me and asks for the WIC materials gets 'em all.):

- Evangelistic Bible Studies (D. Balch)
- Titus 2 Ministries (S. Hunt)
- Biblical Philosophy of Women’s Bible Study (S. Hunt)
- Knowing Scripture Inside and Out (C. Ruvolo)
- The Heart of a Teacher (B. Juliani)

(And I’ll throw in a CD of the Book of Romans as read/narrated by Max McLean on the Book of Romans from the ESV.)

First come, first served!

I hope these materials will find a nice home somewhere.

Love to all!

Yours,
Tara B.

UPDATE! Everything is gone. ZIP ZIP ZIP! I posted and it went bye-bye. How FUN is THAT?! I’m definitely going to do this again when I’m cleaning out my books and teaching tapes/CDs in the future. (And you know I will be! )

I received two emails this weekend from a dear friend and her advice was so timely and loving and gracious that I thought I’d share it with you too ...

(She wrote a lot more than this, but as I am in the midst of a zillion loads of laundry & cleaning & praying as I try to figure out Soph’s education stuff morning, these are the two thoughts that I keep coming back to over and over again.)

My friend Emily reminded me that:

- "Christ died for the specific sins being done against me." (He did. He really did. Who am I to exact payment or revenge beyond THAT? “Do not take revenge,” God says. It will all be made right. One Day. But today? Worship ME. Die to self. Seek Me first. Yes, seek justice–the good. But ...)

- "Don’t make an idol out of A Perfect Relationship Track Record." (Yes! Yes! Seek peace and pursue it. Promote unity as though your life depended on it. BUT ... remember that we have neither the power nor the authority to FIX THINGS. All we can do is our best. We can’t change the other person. We can’t fix the situation. We can simply live a life of love–just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.)

Oh, dear Emily. Thank you.

Thank you for your counsel and your grace.
I know that both have come through the refining fire of much suffering.
I’m sorry for your pain–but I’m grateful that you have comforted me in the way you have been comforted.

OK–back to work. Prayerful work, even. (NOT “escapist / controlling / drug myself with organizing SIN”–praise the Lord.)

Yours,
Tara B.

Happy Father’s Day to my two male blog readers (that I know about)–my beloved hubby, Fred, and my dear friend on the east coast, A.W. I appreciate you both very much!

AND ... I thought you might enjoy a few photos of Sophia at her drumming and art classes this past week. (Fred came for drumming on the last day–Soph was thrilled.)

Love to all!
– Tara B.

I had a horrible day yesterday. One of my lowest in a long time.

The last week grew progressively more difficult/challenging and then a surprising and sad event Saturday morning knocked me completely off my feet. Onto my face, again I fall.

There are many observations I could make about the combination of factors that went into my (inconvenience? suffering? sadness?) experience, but I’ll just note these few:

1. I think that my hormones are REALLY out of whack. I looked at the calendar and this will be my second cycle since the miscarriage and MAN–I just feel OFF. I’m tempted to not even mention that because I don’t want to sound like a whiner or use hormones as an excuse for sin or unbelief ... but my dear (wonderful! wise! thinks she might be perimenopausal) friend reminded me at church today that PMS/hormones can be a great window into our hearts. We “can't” keep it together during those times; our “areas in need of further sanctification” come out; and boy! We really need to gear up for the battle of faith’s fight against sin when we know we’ll be struggling with them.

2. Mercy really does triumph over judgment. Fred was just SO merciful to me–all day long. He left me alone. He came to me. He counseled me. He was silent and just let me cry. I am very, very grateful for Fred.

3. When someone is graceless to me, I am always tempted to be graceless right back. They stand and condemn me and I just want to pull away from them and thus, condemn them too. THANK GOD for repentance to say, “No!” to such a selfish response to relational suffering. I’m shaking. I’m sad. But I am striving to persevere in living out what I claim to believe in (yet another!) difficult relationship. (Oh! How MUCH I wish I were more like Samara or more like Fred—so easy to get along with; so happy and friendly and sweet. Everyone loves them; everyone wants to be their friend. Me? I just walk into a room and people are let down / hurt / offended / critical. BLECH. Some days, it’s just hard to keep trying.)

4. I freak out and feel most hopeless when I see no chance for CHANGE. When I look ahead to the future and it’s just more of the current, more of the same ... I despair. But God says that HE is the one working to bring HIS will to pass. That change is the NORM for a Christian. That even my sin and stupidity and fallenness and failures cannot thwart HIS glory and HIS power and HIS purposes. And so ... there is always, ALWAYS, hope.

(Guess it didn’t hurt that our sermon today was on hope in suffering too, eh? )

If you’re having a wonderful day ...
If you’re scared and rejected and lonely yet again ...

Happy, sad
Loved, despised
Wanted, rejected ...

Whatever this life is bringing you this very day–
Know that if you are in Christ, you ARE a new creation.
The old HAS gone and the new HAS come.

You ARE already!
And you are NOT YET.

But in Christ–all of God’s promises are YES for his children.

Hope for the day.
Hope for the day.

Sending you love from my bruised, but still beating, heart–

Your friend,
Tara B.

Eeeeek! It is just NOT a good thing to FALL when you’re an out-of-shape 37 year-old.
Eek and ouch and watch out for that divot next time!

(Was scolding Lili for chewing the raspberry bushes and mis-stepped into a divot and fell. Twisted my left ankle and fell on my twice-surgically-altered right knee and OUCH! But I’m fine–just a little sore.)

Oh–and Lili seems to be 100% recovered and back to her cute and only-sometimes-obedient self.
(Thanks for the sweet notes of concern and encouragement.)
(I’m assuming it was the raspberry bushes that made her sick, poor love.)

On the relational-issue-front, I had one of those FREAK OUT ON THE INSIDE BUT KEEP IT COOL ON THE OUTSIDE moments at the vet’s today when I saw a business card for a certain person and found out that s/he frequents the same vet clinic.

This is a person that I tried to HELP years ago but who currently HATES me.
I’ve tried everything (and I mean everything!) to appeal for reconciliation–all to no avail.

Fred and my pastors say, “Let it go. Continue to pray, but unless the Lord moves and works a miracle, there is really nothing else you can do. Don’t be afraid. Just let it go.”

But I just HATE that I failed in this relationship.
I tried SO HARD to help!
I wanted SO BADLY to be a blessing.

But this person has a LONG (long long VERY LONG) reputation for broken relationships ...
And I was even WARNED AGAINST trying to help him or her ...

(Oh WHY OH WHY didn’t I listen to counsel!! Stubborn girl, I am. I pray that I am MUCH more obedient to wise counsel next time!!)

But I tried anyway.
And when things weren’t “just right”
(i.e., when I listened to the words I was TOLD by this person rather than READING HIS OR HER MIND and figuring out what was REALLY going on–which was COMPLETELY 100% THE OPPOSITE of what I was being told ...)

I was kicked out of the relationship and told to never have any future contact.
(Which is, well, EXACTLY what happened to all of the other poor schlumps who tried to help in the past too. Oh WHY OH WHY did I think I would be different??? Hubris?? A sincere desire to help?? Probably a combination of the two.)

ANYWAY ... I suggested to Fred that we immediately change vets to avoid seeing this person by accident.
He said, “Nah. Don’t worry about it, Tara.”

(Easy for him to say! He’s offended, what ... ONE person in the entire fourteen years I’ve known him? Oh, no ... I think maybe TWO if I’m honest. Yeah, he can really relate to Tara-the-oft'-wrecking-ball-of-relationships-no-matter-how-hard-she-tries. Sure.)

So I guess I won’t have the temporary pleasure of slipping down the ol' Slippery Slope into denial and flight. Guess I’ll actually have to persevere in love for God and neighbor.

Pesky ol' faith.
Gets ya' every time.

(Thank God! Thank God! THIS is an evidence of grace in my life. To be called to do what I don’t want to do? What would ever do that other than God’s grace? My flesh? The world? Satan? No way! But faith says that I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. Even at the vet’s office with a person who rejects and disdains me. What a strange and glorious truth.)

Hope you’re all enjoying a sweet Saturday.

I am hoping that our family will enjoy that redemptive combination of work and rest where you can really enjoy the rest without guilt/shame because you actually did your duty first.

God bless you–

With love,
Tara B.

I’m trying not to panic, but Lili (our four month-old Golden Retriever puppy) got violently ill late last night and she just looks so pathetic now that I’m tempted to call the animal hospital in the middle of the night.

These are exactly the same symptoms that Choza had–and then she died just a couple of days later (!!!).

Fred says, “Give it until morning.” And I’m sure he’s right.
And so I shall.

But oh! This pet ownership thing.
(Sometimes I just have to ask myself, “What were you thinking, Tara!?!” when you got that puppy.)
(But I do love her and hope she is just fighting off an upset tummy.)

HERE’S something that takes my mind IMMEDIATELY off of my dog, though ...
We spent the evening with a young man in our church who is home briefly from serving in Iraq.

Apparently, his battalion is in the most violent part of the war ...
He’s been wounded once and there have been so many deaths around him ...
I just pray for him and for all of our men and women in uniform (and the Iraqis too)!

Makes my dog trouble seem, well, sad but certainly not important in the grand scheme of things.

OK–I’ll try to get some sleep now.

Love to all!
– Tara B.

I had a strange but sweet dream last night ...

I dreamt that Fred and I had been together (courting?) for 17 years–but that we were not yet married.
And I was longing to be married to him–and he to me.
And we were just about to get engaged or married or something and I woke up.

It was strange because, of course, we’re happily married. (Twelve years this August.)
But sweet because the dream reminded me of just how much I love Fred and long to be married to him.
(So what a gift that I am!)

And then I went into our bathroom to start my day and I found this great representation of how blessed I am to be married to Fred ...

Our toothpaste tube had gotten to that “folded near the top into two tiny points and squeezed in the middle” stage that I really don’t like. And even though Fred didn’t get to bed until 11:30 or so (he’s doing some consulting work at night to help make up our family’s budget shortfall), he had re-rolled the tube so that it would be just the way I like it when I woke up in the morning.

Now THAT is love!

What a guy.
What a guy.

I hope that you have some evidence of grace and love in your life today too!

Your friend,
Tara B.

Just a note to update you all on the last couple of days ...

It’s been a good week overall.
Busy–in addition to the institute in the mornings, I’ve scheduled playdates for Sophia for almost every day (at her request) because she really missed her friends during our two-week trip.
(We even did another CRAFT on Tuesday! It was so fun and so un-Tara to do. )

AND Fred’s had softball both nights (church league)–and I’ve tried to go and be relational with the people.
Etc. etc. etc

Nothing too exciting–but a lot of people interaction time and prayer and worship too.
And I’d say overall, I’ve been very blessed.

Plus ... I think that one of the good things that this music institute week might be doing for our family is helping to clarify our educational goals for Sophia–at least for this fall.

Having to be out the door every day by 7:30 or 8:30AM really makes me question whether we want to add that requirement to our family’s schedule even just for three days a week.

(We were considering doing a little half-day, three-morning Christian education environment for her for this fall. She LOVES classroom settings and they do the Young Peacemaker curriculum there and I’m sure she would thrive AND sin and give us lots of “love your neighbor” stuff to work on. But but but but ...)

Now I’m just really wondering if we should do it. There is something SO GOOD about her just getting to be 3 1/2 and home with mom. Plus, I am in no way concerned about her educational progress ... so I just wonder.

My dear, dear friend in Illinois was so wise as I tried to hash out my thoughts and feelings on this “what should we do with Sophie’s education” question ...

As I finished “getting it all out” (btw–isn’t is just SO GREAT to talk about this stuff with a wise and loving FRIEND???!), she said:

"I like to hear around 80-85% contentment when someone is talking about such a hard wisdom issue. And I’d say you’re at like a 50-60%. So I’ll be praying for you."

Ahhhh! She was RIGHT.

We’re praying and talking to friends with different educational convictions.
We’re reading and studying and trying to figure it all out.

But when I was in Illinois a few weeks ago, I was at like a 50-60% comfort level with the “3 morning Christian preschool” idea.
And now I’m swaying a bit more toward waiting and keeping her home.

Interesting ....
(Well, at least to me. I have NO idea if this edifying in ANY way for any of you. Hope it is, though!)

OK–off to walk Lili.

God bless you!
– Tara B.

PS
I’m back to sleeping now for the last two nights. Hooray! And thank you for the kind notes and especially the prayers too.

OK. This has got to stop.

Third sleepless night in a row. I’m starting to shake a bit.

Tried praying.
Reading.
Even a sleep medicine.

No help.
Just awake.

Thought it might help to journal on my troubled heart–but then I wonder if that’s really edifying? God-centered?
Maybe my “troubledeness” is due to too much Tara-focus and “processing” anyway?
Would journaling only increase that?

Or ... is that how I pray?
Repent?
Believe?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm ...

Time to break out some PRAISE and stop relying on the faith-walk of OTHERS ...
But actually live out faith myself.

Hope you’re all fast asleep. (Well, except for PalmTreePundit in Hawaii ... I’m assuming that 3AM here is still a reasonable time there. )

God bless you!
– t

PS
An update ...

Now it’s 4AM. Prayed. By faith, believed. Am believing now as I try to lie back down.

To God be the glory! He is faithful.

Good night–
Good morning–

Love,
t

So I’ve been mulling over this whole idea of a “Peacemaking Mama” book proposal because there are just SO many relationships associated with parenting ...

But a day like yesterday reminds me that, of course, I really don’t know anything or have ANY wisdom or experience to share on this topic. Truly ... I find this whole idea of living out the gospel in our relationships to be so EXCEEDINGLY, EXTREMELY HARD. Painful. Uncomfortable. Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

(So I guess if I ever do write on this topic specifically, I will maintain my status as “Exhibit A of how NOT to be” and just share the wisdom and compassion and insights that really smart and godly people teach me.)

Anyway ... my day yesterday ...

The main relational difficulty of the day circled around Sophie’s first little “summer camp” experience. We spent the morning in three little classes associated with music and art.

I won’t go into how EXTREMELY awful and uncomfortable one of the classes was. Honestly? I think I need a little time and prayer to process it before I could even try to blog on the topic without just being slanderous, judgmental and unkind. So we’ll leave that to another day ...

(I still can’t BELIEVE how we were treated. I’m shocked! And if it weren’t such a small town here in Billings, I’d try to do something about it. But nothing to be gained by making enemies in the music world in a town of 80,000 let me tell you.)

ANYWAY ... the “less hard” relational stuff just had to do with the whole dynamic of walking into a room filled with other MOMS with their KIDS.

Can you say Fear of Man?!?!

I mean seriously–talk about the temptation to SIZE UP the other women and their kids.
To make snap judgments.
To be more concerned with how I look than the reflection (or lack of reflection) of Christ in my heart.
To want to control and “fix” Sophie’s behavior–not to loving guide her, but so I don’t look bad.
(And on and on and on.)

I mean–REALLY! Give me a break.
How sinful can one woman BE?

But God gives us more grace.
(He really does! He really, really does.)

And Sophie and I prayed in the morning that we would love our neighbor well.
That God would help us because we are dependent on Him.
(And He is faithful, of course.)

I felt stupid and awkward introducing myself to strangers ...
(especially super-cute, tiny, perfect hair, shirt-tucking mama strangers) ...
but I did.

And you know what?
Some of their “standoffishness” feeling was really just their OWN sense of nervousness.
(They were first timers too and didn’t know anyone.)

It wasn’t that hard to break the ice and get to know them.
And actually? It was really FUN to get to know many of the kids.

(For example, there was this AMAZING five-year old violinist who–amidst the CACOPHONY of the beginner’s class–was absolutely a ROCK of not only staying with the teacher and playing the right notes but actually nailing all of the up-bows and down-bows too. AND she was sweet and encouraging to Sophia, who really couldn’t do anything because she is such a beginner. I mean–what a sweetie! I just encouraged her and thanked her–and her dad–and they were great.

AND .... one of our courses was “drumming”–which I just thought sounded FUN–and we walked in and there was a big circle of ALL BOYS. Seriously. ALL. EVERY SINGLE. A room of TOTAL Y-choromosomed energy ... and my little muffin tater in her pink bows and curls. But they were GREAT. Active? Yes! But respectful (for the most part) and sweet and a lot of fun. And it was good for Sophie to be around boys–they are SO different from girls!–plus she loved the drumming/rhythms.)

All that to say ...
I could totally see the benefits of being a complete stay-at-home INTROVERT who never puts herself out there in any sort of risky relational situation.
Truly–I understand the temptation to agoraphobia. (And alcoholism. And compulsive television watching, internet surfing, gambling, shopping, whatever.)

Talking with HUMANS?
Actually having to get our eyes OFF of ourselves and ONTO God and our neighbor?
Who wants to do THAT?

Well ... I guess ...
I do.

I really do.

Because I know that in some cosmic way–
Some eternal way–
Some “four beasts before the very throne of God crying out HOLY HOLY HOLY IS THE LORD GO ALMIGHTY WHO WAS AND IS AND IS TO COME” way–
relationships matter.

And if they matter to God, then they matter to me.

So am I tempted to NOT go back today?
Yup. You bet. Absolutely.

But will we go back?
In faith–YES.

I’ll let you know how things go ...
Hopefully there will be no sad, sad repeats of our one super-uncomfortable, unpleasant experience.
But even if there is ... what can you do?

“Yeah, though He slay me ... I will trust in Him.”
And what’s a little public shaming and uncomfortableness when you consider what our brethren around the globe are suffering? (TRULY suffering.)

Back into the fray we go!
Onward!
In love.

Blessings on your Tuesday–

Your oft' relationally-inept but striving to persevere pal,
Tara B.

OK–I promise we’re not going to turn this blog into one of those (love 'em!) super-cool ORGANIZING sites or anything ...

But when I read this comment, I really felt like I should respond ... Martha10 wrote:

" ... paper/mail/magazines are my biggest problem but i have many other problem areas as well ..."

I actually LOVE dealing with my mail every day. I have such a happy feeling of accomplishment–like I can at least do ONE THING to serve my family.

So here’s my deal on handling MAIL:

1. Preemptively: Get OFF of mailing lists and STAY OFF of mailing lists. Don’t get excess catalogs, non-profit mailings, credit-card offers. Protect your address; don’t sign up for stuff; CANCEL everything you can.

2. Immediately–I mean IMMEDIATELY–throw away/recycle everything you can. Get rid of it. Toss it. (I even include the stupid (trying to not use that word anymore) annoying postcards and “thick” advertisements inside of all magazines.)

3. If it’s a “number 2 or number 3” ... place it in a pile to be filed/stored. No other action item needed.

4. If it’s a TASK that can be taken care of in less than THREE MINUTES (and you have three minutes to give to it): just do it, baby! Don’t even let that little thing clutter your world or take up your brain power ... make that call, do that task.

5. If it’s a “needs a little bit more of my time” TASK (paying bills–although I have almost all of those scheduled to be paid automatically, returning a letter/card, giving someone a call, etc.) schedule it. (I use Outlook tasklist, but you can do this on a piece of paper system too.) Then put the item into your “CURRENT TO-DO” holding area. (For me, this is a folder or the top of my roll-top desk.) I have peace because I know I won’t forget about it because a) I don’t have clutter so if it’s out on my desk, I know there is an open task associated with it; and b) It’s scheduled as a task, so I’ll have a reminder AND I’ll see it when I check my tasklist.

6. Catalogs & magazines go onto our “magazine pile” in our living room; and I leave the “interesting stuff” out in a little pile so that Fred can read through it at the end of the day and stay up to speed if he wants to. And that’s pretty much IT.

Hmmmmmmmm .... that sounds complex when I try to write it all out ...

But it’s really easy:

- OVERARCHING GOAL: touch it once and then get it OUT of your #1 (living!) space. (See? That’s why, although my home MAY (at times) be covered in dust and Golden Retriever hair ... I really don’t have clutter. Samara even said once that even if we had twelve children some day, I’d still never have clutter–she says I’m just not wired that way.)

- Then ask ... do I need to hold onto this but I have NO ACTION ITEM required? File it.

- Is there an action item associated with this? Do it or schedule it.

- Throw everything else away.

OK. I’m heading to bed now.

Had another sleepless night last night (I HATE those!!), but I’m hoping for good rest tonight.

Lilikoi is spending more time with us out in the house (since she’s getting the house-training thing down so well) ... it’s so nice. I’m actually starting to remember why I liked having a dog so much.

Sophie’s doing this hysterical (at least to me) thing now where she wants to do knock-knock jokes, but I tire of them easily. (Her repertoire has like THREE jokes.) So then she HUMS the pattern of a joke to me:

Hummm-hm.
Hmmmmmmm—hm? (I respond)
Hm.
Hm, hmmmmmmmmmm? ("Orange, who?")
Hmmmmm hmmm hm hmmmmmm hmmmmm?!
(ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)
(OR, she does, “Ta-Da!” in humming.)

It’s so funny. Totally cracks me up every time and she knows it.
What a precious kid.

Love you all and God bless your Monday!

Your friend,
Tara B.

One of the MANY fun things I got to do on our recent trip was organize my sister’s house.

I am always SO blessed when they let me clean their chaos and make a little order.
I love that they KNOW that I like them JUST THE WAY THEY ARE and they don’t have to have order for me to be happy there.
And I’m honored that they trust me to jump into their basement, office, kitchen, and even bedroom and throw, throw, throw; pack, pack, pack; straighten, straighten, straighten.

(And then I DO do the clean, clean, clean–wipe, dust, 409, sweep, vacuum–thing too ... although that is not NEARLY as fun as the organize thing.)

Each visit when they let me enjoy my TOTAL HAPPY PLACE of organizing, I try to give them ONE idea to consider as they go forward.

In the past, my yearly/semi-annual “one piece of advice” thing has included such gems as:

- Buy a new kitchen sponge every time you grocery shop. Just toss the old one and use a new clean one–you’ll be glad you did. (And now they do.)

- You are both bibliophiles. You’re not going to get rid of these books and you’re always going to be getting new ones ... so I recommend some more bookshelves. Decorate by books. It makes you both happy–so enjoy it! (And they did.)

- Learn my 1-2-3 organizing system and then ask if that WHATEVER has EARNED THE RIGHT to be in your NUMBER 1 space. And if it hasn't–get rid of it. Toss it or relegate it to a 2 or 3 spot ... but protect your “1” space.

It was that last one that really stuck in my head as I got home because I realized that, when it came to Sophie’s closet, I wasn’t following my own advice!

(Hmmmmmmm .... where have you heard that from me before? Struggling to live out what I claim to believe and encourage in others ... hmmmmmmmmmmmm ....)

ANYWAY, yesterday I tackled the beast (or the “pocket of resistance” as we like to call disorganized/cluttery areas) and I thought it might help some of you who are interested in organizing too, so here goes ...

My basic deal is that I think of everything in terms of 1-2-3.

- Number 1 stuff is the stuff we use every single day. It should be easily reachable all the time. Sophie’s children’s Bible and catechism are always out on her nightstand or our nightstand because we use them every single day. Hand soap and lotion are out 24/7. Paper towels live on our counter in a cute holder because I want them accessible with absolutely no effort. NUMBER 1 STUFF.

- Number 2 stuff is used very, very often and should be readily accessible–but it’s OK to have to take a wee bit of effort (like opening a drawer or cabinet). Scissors in my work desk and in our kitchen drawer; Sophie’s barrettes in boxes in a drawer; arts & crafts supplies (I’m trying! I’m trying!) in a closet; costumes & Easter baskets & suitcases; astringent/hairspray/floss ... these are all NUMBER 2. I want them reachable with minimal effort but they surely neither need nor deserve number 1 status.

- Number 3: Ahhhh ... number 3. Number 3 is one step from GIVE AWAY or THROW AWAY. Tax documents (in archival boxes dated year); every single card my friend Bethany has ever sent me since 1989 and all of my love letters from Fred; baby clothing and toys that we’re still hoping we get to use one day; old journals and books from engineering/law school ... all NUMBER 3.

The thing is ... if you have number 3 and number 2 stuff CRAMMED IN and taking up ALL OF YOUR SPACE ... your number 1 stuff will, of course, have no place to go and you will have CHOAS. Clutter. Piles. A mess.

So you have to purge.

- Give away! Give away! (That purse you MAY use but really you DON’T would be the very, very BEST purse for someone in need. Give it away!!!)

- Throw away! Throw away! (Shred; bag; recycle ... but just get rid of it. You don’t want it and it is of no use to anyone else. Be a thrower! Give it away.)

- Box it and file it and designate it a NUMBER 3. (But occasionally go through your number 3’s and give away/throw away. You’ll undoubtedly see that something you used to think was a “precious” is now just a “what is this? who is this? why did I even keep this?”–give/throw/give/throw! But the smurf figurine that STILL takes you back to summers at your grandmother’s home? KEEP KEEP KEEP. Fun! Special! Tell your kids your stories and enjoy it. #3!)

- Organize your number 2’s so that they are usable and findable. (Office supplies! Container Store! Fun fun fun.)

And then enjoy your freshened up #1 space. I surely did yesterday ... I literally asked Sophie to pretty please just play somewhere else for five minutes while I sat in her room and just breathed a happy, tired little sigh.

- A box of too-young-for-her-but-maybe-we'll-need-some-day baby toys and books. OFF TO NUMBER 3.

- A huge bag of goodies/toys/clothes to share with two of our favorite young ladies at our church who teach in an economically depressed area of town and always find EXCELLENT uses for any shared items.

- Diapers & pullups to give to the church. (How many MONTHS has it been since Sophie has used EITHER? Ugh! They did not deserve to be in our #1/#2 space. No wonder her room has been so hard to control these days.)

It was great. A lot of work. A huge mess in the middle. (True cleaning ALWAYS makes things worse before they get better. It’s just the nature of the beast.) But great gains in the end.

(If only I could get on top of improving my cooking skills and feel comfortable doing meals like I feel comfortable tackling stuff like this. THEN I would really feel like I’m making gains in my homemaking goals. Oh well–we can only do our best, right?)

I’m off to tackle another pocket of resistance as I enjoy my “rest” on this Sabbath ...

Bless you all,
Tara B.

Sophia completely freaked out yesterday after she had to be woken up out of a deep sleep nap.
I mean–COMPLETELY.

Weeping, crying, even screaming.
Pacing the floor; wanting to be held; kicking away.

It was so pathetic. Awful. Sad.

I felt terrible for her–and no amount of prayer, cuddles, walking, singing, etc. would comfort her or “snap her out of it.”

(I seriously thought, “Is this a mental illness thing? Spiritual thing? MAN! She is completely freaking out.”)
But I just kept on comforting her; telling her we loved her and that Jesus loved her most of all; trying to distract her; praying for her, etc. etc.

She finally came to her senses (Thank You, God!!) and was sitting on my lap, exhausted, wet (from sweating from freaking out so much), so pathetically sad but CALM again ... and then, out of the blue, she said this:

"I have a lot of badness inside of me ..."

I asked her to repeat what she had said because my first thought was, “How could a three-year old have that kind of insight??” And she did and that was exactly what she had sad:

"I have a lot of badness inside of me ..."

Oh wow!

It’s times like that that I just LOVE being a Christian mom.
I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy to tell her that yes, she has a lot of badness inside of her, but Jesus takes care of ALL of that badness. He does! He does!

I told her that I have a lot of badness inside of me and so does Daddy–that’s why we need the Savior.
I reminded her that our badness sent Jesus to the Cross to die in our place ... but that God raised Him from the dead!!! Jesus is no longer dead–He is alive!!! And that the same power that raised Christ from the dead IS the power at work in us TODAY saving us from our sin and delivering us from our badness.

I told her that Jesus’s GOODNESS is SO GOOD that it completely takes care of any badness in us!
I reminded her that there is forgiveness for her and now NO MORE CONDEMNATION because of Christ.

We just went on and on and on and on talking about the gospel.
It was one of the highlights of my life–and the perfect memory as I head to bed on this, my 37th birthday.

(Thanks for the happy birthday wishes by the way! It’s been a day where I didn’t really remember it was my birthday–but a good day nonetheless. Our flight was canceled due to weather so we had a circuitous route home that started at 2:00 in the MORNING!! ... but we’re here now and heading to sleep. Oh–and Lilikoi grew like TEN FEET in the two weeks we were gone. I could hardly recognize her. )

ANYWAY–I thought you might be encouraged by Sophie’s complete and utter meltdown–
And her complete and utter HOPE.

Remember!
We ALL have a lot of badness in us. We do!
That’s why we need the Savior.

God bless you, dear ones!

Sending you love from your tired pal,
Tara B.

One of my favorite blogs reminded me that yesterday marked the 63rd anniversary of the allied invasion of Normandy.

And one of the commenters on her site brought me down the blogtrail to another poignant post on D-Day too.

I’m so sad that the Greatest Generation is dying at such a fast rate now that Sophie will probably never really know any of these true heroes.

And so we will read books and tell stories. And remember.

Thank you, Melodee & Nicole, for reminding us!

Gratefully,
Tara B.

Today I asked Sophie if she understood “the plan” for the day: play a little, get dressed, head to the airport and try to get home to Montana. (We may have some weather-related delays.)

“Yes, Momma” she replied. “But that is going to be SO SAD, isn’t it?”

Yes–yes. Saying goodbye to Kali & Fred; no more sugar & video-fests “because we’re on vacation”; adventures coming to a close.

I asked her what some of her favorite memories were from this trip and she replied:

- Climbing a tree with the Z’s
- Playing
- Playing Uno

That made me so happy. All of the “big time fun stuff” was great, but she immediately defaulted to the most simple pleasures. Totally warmed my heart.

It also reminded me of one of our nights together on this trip when we finished reading the story of Daniel in the Lion’s den for our bedtime Bible reading and at the end, when our (wonderful!) Jesus Story Book Bible (which ties EVERY reading to Jesus–including Old Testament ones) reminded us that one day, a Brave Rescuer would come and would obey God PERFECTLY and would deliver us from our sins ...

Sophie spontaneously said, “It’s JESUS! Oh, Momma ... Jesus is SO beautiful. He is SO beautiful! He is brave and strong and WONDERFUL.”

And then she started singing, “God is so good” (Momma: “Alleluia!”), “God is so good” (Momma: “Alleluia!), ”God is so good, He’s so good to me."

He is!
He is!

I truly pray that each one of you will remember God’s goodness and sovereignty and compassion and holiness and love for His children as you go through every moment of your day.

We’ll be keeping one rollaboard with us (toiletries, clean undies, snicky-snacks for the baby) just in case we have to overnight in an airport or hotel ...

If all goes well, we’ll be home in Montana tonight!

God bless you and keep you in Him–

Yours,
Tara B.

OK. I admit it–I really love certain aspects of Chicago.

Yes, yes, the traffic is mind-boggling.
There are (like every big city) many urban planning and poverty and injustice issues all around.
I’m sure I can’t even BEGIN to grasp the temptations associated with the extraordinary wealth in the hands of a large portion of the population.

But ... but ... but ...

I love to come back to Chicago and just ENJOY the very VERY best parts of big-city, wonderful FUN. And thanks to my astoundingly generous sister, last night was yet another amazing night of memories and happiness for Fred and me.

It started with our arrival at the Sheraton Towers–right on the Chicago river and Lake Michigan too:



Seriously, this was the entryway that I had the joy of walking Sophia into as she twirled and marveled and took it all in:



And this was (very similar to) our room and view:



THEN, after giving me a super-cute “date-night” outfit to wear and a basket of chocolates & sparkling cider (to help “set the mood”), auntie Kali stole Sophie away for swimming and pizza and all things auntie spoiling as Fred and I headed out the door ...



(Seriously? I only WISH I had thought to take a picture of Soph as she ate pizza in her swimsuit watching Backyardigans on her portable dvd player ... I said to Kali, “Cute pizza sauce on her nose!” And she replied, “I think it’s SKITTLES.” How funny! I’m laughing now. Pizza and a video with a Skittles appetizer. Man! Does it get any better for a three-year old?)

Our big date night (again–all of this is courtesy of Kali & “her Fred”–are they amazing or WHAT?) was the broadway musical “WICKED” (the funny/poignant/a tad morally relativistic “behind-the-scenes/growing up” story of the “Wicked Witch of the West” and “Glinda the Good Witch”) ...



The seats they got us were EIGHT ROWS BACK from the stage. We saw EVERYTHING. Every eye-brow-raised and dance-move-performed and tender embrace and even the pit orchestra conductor from the corner of our eye.

I was enthralled (as usual).
I just love musicals!
I love how EVERY SINGLE member of the cast is giving 125% to create on one night in one moment–ART.
I love Chicago’s Oriental Theatre!



I love to sit in the lobby, sip a cup of coffee, and people watch.
I love the grandeur and professionalism and beauty.
I love the friendly, sweet usher.
I love the “bathroom ladies” who direct traffic and encourage the line of hundreds of women to “work together!” and “step down!” because we only have a 15 minute intermission.
I love the lighting and effects and sound guys and costume changes.
I love how the trumpets never miss a lick and the cues are SPOT ON.

And I SO love walking back to the hotel with my husband along the Chicago river at night. Arm in arm, talking, laughing, eschewing a taxi in favor of this ...



(We even walked right by the new “Trump Towers” Chicago building!)

You know ... I just have to admit it and come clean ...
I WANTED to like hiking and camping and all things Montana.
I wanted to get over my fear of bears and my distaste for bugs.
I wanted to be rugged. I did.

But the truth is–I like 24 hour room service in a five-star hotel.
I like a mocha with an extra shot as I blog from the lobby on my high-speed Wi-Fi.
I love to watch the commute of millions (MILLIONS!) of workers into the Loop (TOTALLY brings me back to my brief “working in Chicago” days–I can’t believe I used to hail a cab and run to a meeting, but I know it’s true because I’m sure that most of my law school classmates are making partner this year somewhere in these cavernous skyscrapers).

I’m just grateful.
Happy to go home tomorrow to my quiet life in Montana. (VERY happy.)
But happy, too, to have the joy and privilege of occasionally coming into this beautiful city and enjoying beautiful memories.
(We’re off to the Art Institute and American Girl Place today! )

Thanks for letting me share my memories with you all–
I think I’ll go and wake Fred up now. (As usual, I woke up at the crack of dawn so I came to the lobby to let him sleep in.)

Love to all from a happy Tara!

Yours,
t

Remember the teaching analogy about how conflict squeezes our hearts just like hands squeeze a ketchup bottle?

And how the reason ketchup squirts out all over everything is NOT because of the hands squeezing the bottle (i.e., the reason anger, rage, bitterness, malice, slander squirts out of us is NOT because of the other person or the situation) ... but because there is ketchup in the bottle (there is anger & rage, etc. IN OUR HEARTS).

WELL ... I had a PERFECT example of this on our trip when we visited a little children’s museum in Milwaukee. (And BOY is my heart in need of LOTS of refining!!)

Here is what MY experience was:

My attention was on my daughter and my niece as we climbed up two flights of stairs to the admissions desk of the museum. I was holding Sophie with one hand and trying to search through my purse with the other (to find money to pay for our admission) and I was just about BOWLED COMPLETELY OVER and PUSHED DOWN THE FLIGHT OF STAIRS by some woman pushing her kid in a stroller. I tried to be gracious and stumble the last two feet to the admissions desk as my sister-in-law tried to insist on paying, my daughter tried to make a break for the first display, and I continued to root through my purse in search of some cash. The next thing I know, I hear a VERY grouchy and SNIDE, “WELL, I guess there’s NO LINE HERE!!” only to look over my shoulder to see the lady with the stroller.

I seriously had NO IDEA she was there and I would NEVER have cut in line. Never.

I felt terrible and tried to reconvene the contents of my purse BACK inside while backing away from the admissions desk ... but my embarrassment quickly turned to ANGER as I saw the knowing look of the admissions clerk to the mom with the stroller like, “Yeah, what a jerk! Can you believe it?”

Seriously? I sinned. I did. I was embarrassed and shamed and felt stupid and the main thing that poured out of my heart was ANGER.

I was angry at the mom with the stroller and, under my breath, I said something like, “I didn’t know you were there. I only remember being almost KNOCKED OVER by you.”

(And typing that doesn’t really to justice to how I matched her nasty/snide tone even though I spoke mostly to myself.)

I was angry at the clerk–who was SHE to judge me?
I didn’t even MEAN to cut in line!
It was an accident.
Why were these two women being so uncharitable and grouchy and who really gives a flying WHATEVER whether we get inside of the POST OFFICE exhibit 30 seconds earlier?!?

It was all a nasty, ugly situation and I’m ashamed to even retell it for you now.

But it was an excellent reminder of just how DIFFERENT perspectives can be on a situation ... I bet if you asked that lady (who might be a perfectly nice lady!), she might have a completely different story to tell ("My baby just started crying when my preschooler bolted in the parking lot; we couldn’t find a parking spot; my friend was supposed to meet me here to help and she canceled without warning; the next thing I know this rude woman CUTS in front of me in line and doesn’t even give me the courtesy of a GLANCE, etc. etc. etc.") Who knows?

It was also a great reminder to pray for our young people who are in these terribly hard peer-pressure / having to deal with uncharitable people who judge and demean and gang up on them every day kind of situations. (I’m thinking of my nieces and nephews of course now–but also the young people in our churches too.)

AND it was a great reminder of just how far I have to go in my own journey of sanctification.
It is SO CLEAR that there are just innumerable aspects of my heart that are not yet conformed to the image of Christ.

THANK GOD that He is faithful to complete this good work.
If it were up to me to change myself, I truly would have no hope.

God bless you all and give you grace in the tiny (but important) trials of life!

With love,
Tara B.

Diane asked a pointed question in a recent comment and I thought I’d post my reply here in case it might encourage/help others.

Here is her question:

"Tara, how are you losing the weight? I need to lose the amount of weight you did when you started. I was doing so well, but my biggest problem is with PMS. Any suggestions?"

Sweet Diane! I’m so sorry to hear that you have this hard goal to accomplish. I think that discipline with eating and exercise–and striving to lose a huge amount of weight!–are all just incredibly, incredibly hard things to do.

But I do believe that God helps us to honor Him with our bodies ... to turn away from the mood-altering addictive qualities of making an idol of food and lazy/slothful/unhealthy/escapist tendencies with our activity levels too. It’s just that for some of us, this could definitely be a lifelong, daily battle until we go Home.

ANYWAY ... to answer your question specifically, some of the things that I think have been helping me with my spiritual/physical battle to lose this weight are:

- My husband, pastors, and a few close friends have been praying for me and helping me. I am honest about my struggle and how my weight gain is really just symptomatic of a heart/spiritual problem ... and they are encouraging, loving, but directly confrontational at times too. I think this prayer and accountability are foundationally important–it brings my sin out of the darkness and into the Light.

- I gave up all soda for the calendar year. I just had to do it because I was overindulging in both diet and “regular” sodas and simply wanting them WAY too much. The thing is–giving up soda has helped with other eating temptations too. (Somehow, that greasy nasty whatever is just a little less appetizing without the wonderful fizz of a “real coke” to cut through the gunk.)

- I really have been exercising more. I’m an early riser by habit and I’m happiest when I just get out there and exercise FIRST THING. I was going to the gym every morning until we lost the baby, and since then I’ve been much more faithful to walk Lilikoi two and three times a day. Honestly? I forgot how much effort walking takes! (Especially when you’re lugging around an extra 40 or 50 lbs!) Being so sedentary on this vacation has really made my legs SORE–I’m actually looking forward to getting home and getting back into the routine.

- I’m drinking TONS of water. (Giving up the soda has really helped with this.) And I add those “Emergen-C” packets of vitamins to a few of them throughout the day AND take a handful of (I hope) healthy vitamins each day and I’m hoping that this is helping my health (even if only psychosomatically ).

Hmmmmmmm ... in looking back on what I wrote I wonder if I should even post this. There surely is NO new information in: 1) deal with the wrong worship/spiritual/heart root; 2) eat less sugar; 3) exercise; 4) drink water.

But since you asked, I wanted to be sure to respond.

I’ll be curious to see what weight I’m at when I get home from this trip. I was down 50 lbs when we left and I bought some new summer capris right before we left and BUMMER (???) they’re feeling baggy now. (I say bummer because YAY weight loss! But BUMMER to spend money on clothes if they’re not going to last very long. You know–going up and down with weight is just BAD STEWARDSHIP too. Ugh.)

OK–It’s 1:00AM and I REALLY should try hard to get some sleep.

It was a good day–a VERY good day, actually. (I could tell you a hundred stories but let me just brag on my sweet, now SO grown-up youngest nephew. You know–his mom actually posed him as a one month old on Fred’s lap back fourteen years ago so that Fred could go back to grad school after a trip home and “just happen” to show a certain young woman (me!!) how PATERNAL he was. I WAS smitten and I still cherish that photo!! Now Samuel is racing toward six feet tall and playing Fred’s old trumpet in a jazz band! I just can’t believe it. But then I know it’s him because I have loved that young man for fourteen years now and prayed for him and cheered him on and I just cherish his sweet heart. He is athletic and brilliant and musical and funny and CUTE ... but it is his kind, sweet heart that makes this auntie cry even just sitting here in the living room all by myself.)

BUT ... I’m very, very tired. Two weeks of constant (constant!) interacting with people has this little ol' introvert a tad FRIED. So here’s hoping I can crash out before too long.

God bless you, Diane! Please do stay in touch and let me know how you are doing–wherever you are in the world. Remember! You are not alone in the battle. This sin HAS been conquered in us already. No matter what it feels like, it is NOT our master. No temptation has seized us except what is common to man. God always gives us a way out. He battles for us. For it is GOD who works in us!!

For His glory.
For our good.

Love you all and happy, blessed Tuesday to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

I know that our whirlwind trip is not yet over, but I’m already starting to mull over some favorite memories:

- Watching my “favorite biggest niece” (I also have a “favorite littlest” and “favorite middlest” niece) as she played her cello in her high-school symphony. Honestly? I thought my chest would BURST with pride. It seems like only yesterday she was scattering rose petals at our wedding, sitting on my lap at church, and playing dress up with my shoes (and asking me to “wear” hers but only one TOE would fit). Life goes by SO quickly. How I thank God for this dear, dear child young lady. I love her so much.

- Reading “The White Cat” and “Boniface” with two of the “Z" boys and Sophia. I was so inspired! AND my throat was SO sore by the end. How do you homeschool moms do it every single day? Hours & hours of reading and the kids were ENTHRALLED. (Seriously? I am SO hoping for a little arranged marriage with one of those three little men. They are SO ”all boy"–and yet they SO “gentled” around Sophia. It was male & female and chivalry and brothers & sisters in Christ and all of it.) I just loved being there and I have tucked that memory deep into my heart.

- Sitting on the porch of the law firm where I clerked and talking & laughing & crying with my former piano professor and dear friend, S. (Her husband is an attorney there.) It was raining hard, Sophie was entertaining herself by dancing and playing, and S’s Collie was having a little nap right in my lap. Genuine friendship? A soaking midwestern rainstorm? The twirls & songs of a three-year-old-lovie-muffin? AND getting covered in dog hair too? I mean–WOW. It just doesn’t get much better than that.

- Waking up super early this morning so that I could actually plow through my VERY backlogged emails and catch up on a blog or two. (Sorry for my non-blogging-ness by the way!) And then having Sophia come into our room at like 8:15 and ask o-so-very-politely, “Momma, may I please have a super-extra treat to watch a video with Elizabeth?” (Elizabeth is my favorite littlest niece who is playing a bit of hooky today to hang out with us.) And as if Sophie’s polite tone and so-sweet-I-think-my-teeth-hurt words weren’t enough, FUTURE LAWYER Sophia then added the kicker, “Because, Momma, you said that maybe we could have a treat and watch a video today.” (Yeah, I thought maybe in the afternoon or something. But seriously? Is this the FIRST THOUGHT you have in your day, dear one? Hmmmmmmmm ... I think it is true that videos are like crack for kids or something.) ANYWAY ... Fred got them all set up and I came down to find two tiny little muffins all curled up together under a blankie watching Backyardigans with Maggie the dog sleeping between them. Again–WOW. What a rich life we have.

- Seeing my dear friend hold his newborn son and remembering back YEARS ago when we were out with a group of singles from our church (circa late 80’s early 90’s) and he was playing peek-a-boo with a little preschooler as we all waited for pizza or whatever. I remember thinking, “M. is going to be a GREAT DAD one day.” And even though I think he may have been tempted a bit to give up on that dream when he stayed single all through his twenties and thirties, I never gave up praying for him and hoping that God would say “Yes!” to his prayers for a wife and child. God is the Maker of happy homes! And I just had TEARS in my eyes as I was in this happy, happy home.

Of course, not all memories from this trip are happy. Life is often hard; some relationships are EXTRA challenging; traveling can bring out a lot of sin; and of course we’ve had our share of “less than ideal” situations associated with this trip.

But I am SO grateful for these sweet memories–and especially for these friends.

I’m such an introvert and most relationships are so taxing for me that I think sometimes I can forget how PLEASANT some friendships truly are.

Anyway–off to the rest of our day now!
I pray that you are all enjoying a wonderful, wonderful Monday.

With love from Waukesha, Wisconsin–

Yours,
Tara B.

Sophia and I have driven from Chicago to Morris to Peoria to the Quad-Cities to Galena to German Valley. (All in Illinois if any of you are map fans and care to plot out our little course.)

That much driving gives my mind time to WANDER and wander it did. Here are just a few of my ponderings as I drove:

- I do NOT miss tornados. Period. In fact, I hate them. They scare me. And having to drive while watches & warnings (and one actually TOUCHED DOWN not that far from us!!) & rain & wind is all around? Well–I do not like it one bit–it does NOT make me eager to move back to the Midwest.

- Ahhhh ... but then there is the FARMLAND. Oh! SO BEAUTIFUL farmland. I LOVE IT. I love the rich, black soil; the green plants; the rolling hills & red barns & blue skies & cows and ALL of it. It is a reminder of how rich we all are and how good our lives are and I LOVE the farmland.

(Plus, the farmland gave me a great opportunity to teach Sophia about “rural” and “urban” because she was having a hard time understanding how CHICAGO and GERMAN VALLEY could BOTH be in Illinois. Skyscrapers & taxis & busses & fifteen lanes of traffic? AND rolling hills, farms, horses, peace and quiet? All one state? “Yes, dear. But Chicago is the URBAN part of the state–”city"–and the farmland is “rural.” "Oh. OK. Thanks. That clears it up. ")

- Driving gives me time to worship. I was singing songs from undergrad and grad school days and loving it! I was singing all five stanzas of hymns and it was grand. (Can’t get any radio stations anyway–might as well SING!) I had forgotten how much I used to sing in the car on long trips.

- I visited my undergraduate campus for the first time in a long time–AND for the first time EVER I was not overwhelmed with guilt and shame over my sinful and foolish actions and attitudes during my late-teen, early-twenties years. I could almost HEAR Fred reminding me that “there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus! For the Law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus has SET ME FREE from the law of sin and death.” I could hear many spiritual mothers and fathers comforting me and confronting me on being “too hard on myself.” I could hear, most of all, the Truth from Scripture that when Satan tempts me to despair and tells me of the guilt within ... I HAVE AN ADVOCATE before the Father. Christ says, “Who accuses this child? The Father’s child? NO accusation can stand. She IS forgiven. It is covered. It is done.”

- I loved driving through the farmlands where Fred and I fell in love. Totally crashed into eros-wonder-courtship-to-marriage Christian wonderful, full of wonder, LOVE. Man! I was crazy about him. (Still am.) And we used to do that drive from Urbana to Moline EVERY WEEK for me to teach my piano students that first year of law school. (What was I thinking? Ahhhh–but I just wanted ready to let them go yet. I LOVED teaching them and being in their lives.) Fred would drive and I would study and we would fall in love. Good stuff. The best.

- Lastly, I’ve been thinking about FRIENDS. Seriously–this morning I started out from the home of some friends whom I love more than words can describe. I admire and respect and enjoy them. They are gracious to me! I love them so much.

THEN I was in the beautiful home of my dear friend who is recently married for the first time in his forties and he now has an astoundingly beautiful 10 month old baby boy. To see him with his beautiful wife who loves him; holding the most wonderful baby ever; in his happy home ... well ... I get tears in my eyes every time I think about it. Grace grace grace! Thank you, God, for this family.

AND THEN I got to see one of my dearest friends and spiritual mothers in the world. Sitting with her and talking and talking and laughing and crying and talking some more–oh! It simply reminded me of all that is good in relationships. Not perfect–but oh, so good. I just wish I had a few MONTHS or YEARS to be around her and her husband too.

(Do you ever have friends where it just feels IMPOSSIBLE to keep the conversation going AT ALL? After like 10 minutes, you’re grasping for air and topics and thinking, “How much longer until I can politely get out of here!!!??” But then there are friends like ALL of these ... where I just wish we had had more time. I love them all so much.)

- OK, truly last driving observation ... Why would a Christian have one of those “Calvin & Hobbes” Calvin KNEELING AT A CROSS sticker decals in their car window? Then it is CLEARLY a COPYRIGHT VIOLATION (i.e., STEALING) ... what’s the message here? I’m a Christian! But I steal! Be like me! I seriously don’t understand this one.

OK. All done with my driving day.

I’m hoping to be off of dial-up (SLOW!!!!!) access again soon and better at blogging.

Thinking of you all!!

With love,
Tara B.