considerable grace

One of our elders has been trying particularly hard in the last few weeks to really get to know Fred and I better so that he can counsel us wisely on some “big & important” life questions we’ve been mulling over and praying about. (Thank you, Elder S!)

He’s asked us to respond in writing to a number of questions that have really forced us to slow down, think, talk, and pray. It’s been challenging–but such a gift.

I won’t go into all of the details, but Fred’s response to one question regarding me totally made me chuckle and I thought that (especially those of you who really know me) might get a laugh or two as well. So here goes ...

One of the questions our elder asked us was:

"What are the areas you need to grow in the most as a parent"?

I, of course, had NUMEROUS ideas as to all of the MANY ways that I really need to work hard to be a better mother to Sophia Grace. Are you kidding? I was rattling 'em off, bullet point after bullet point.

But when I asked Fred for what he thought were the areas I needed to grow in as a mother, do you know the first thing he said?

"Tara needs to cut herself more slack."

Isn’t that funny? I can honestly (honestly!) say that THAT thought had never entered my mind.

But I’m thinking about it now, of course.
And praying. Mulling. Working hard to relax more as a mom?
(Yes, yes. The irony abounds.)

I am just so incredibly grateful that God did not have me marry a harsh husband.

I can’t imagine how miserable my life would be if I were married to a “go-getter,” driven, always pushing me, never satisfied, critically pointing out all of my (many!) weaknesses, thinking he’s just “confronting me on my sin and gently restoring me”–but really, he’s only making me more frantic, worried, condemned, hopeless, overwhelmed, exhausted ... joyless and graceless.

Instead–I have a husband who does confront me. (I need it!)
And he is not blind to my weaknesses and sins–but he really does look at me with “grace-based-lenses” so that he is gentle, hopeful, and redemptive as he interacts with me.

(Well–most of the time. Some times–very occasionally, but oh! there are times–I provoke him so royally that he responds more like me than like his normal self. But these are rare–thank God! And I honestly believe that, although his heart controls his behavior, I am truly what we lawyers would call an “intervening cause” that cannot be left out of the equation.)

So here’s to a happy Tuesday!
May all of us moms who struggle with being a tad too ... perfectionistic? Critical? Task-oriented to the point of making ourselves a little crazy? ... may we all cut ourselves a little slack and ENJOY the day.

And may all of you dads out there who struggle with being a tad graceless and critical of your wives .... maybe you can all pray for the grace to so richly remember your own depravity and God’s astounding mercy to you in Christ ... that you might give grace to your wives as well.

We’re all a desperate lot to be sure.
But we are loved.

God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
I promised some “Sophia Grace first time fishing” photos, so here they are ... along with a couple of “cheer camp” pics that we did yesterday for two reasons: a) It’s Fun! and b) While Sophie and her friends ran & played & used their muscles and had a blast, I had three uninterrupted hours to work on the dvd project. Ahhhhhh ... a win-win situation if ever I heard one, eh? Enjoy the pics and Happy Tuesday! – tkb

Many thanks to Challies.com for quoting Sproul and setting my heart on Christ on this blazingly-hot (100+ degrees here in Montana), much-to-do (tempted to feel overwhelmed/hide/run away/do nothing OR run around accomplishing too much and miss out on PEOPLE and RELATIONSHIPS), is it really almost August-Monday morning:

"Christ, then, is the One Who made satisfaction. By His work on the cross, He satisfied the demands of God’s justice with regard to our debt, our state of enmity, and our crime. In light of the facts of God’s justice and our sinfulness, it is not difficult to see the absolute necessity of the atonement."

Yes. Yes.

I do see the absolute necessity of the atonement, Lord.

My crime. My debt. My enmity.
Christ my substitute. Surety. Mediator.

There is no other Truth.
There is no other Hope.

God bless you, my friends!
And remember–the Lord is for His children.
And HE is mighty to save.

(Not because we deserve His merciful, grace-filled salvation!
That’s the whole point–WE CAN NEVER MERIT IT. Never.
But because HE is a merciful, graceful, SAVING GOD.
HE makes the way for us to be right with Him.

His justice HAS BEEN satisfied.
His mercy pours out.

Run to Him!
Run to Him.
And worship.

Amen?
Amen!)

Blessed Monday to you all!

With love,
Tara B.

HT to Mark Moore (found him via Pastor JollyBlogger) for posting this video of John Piper on the evil of the “prosperity gospel.”

I hope you’ll take two minutes and watch it!
Oh, that Christ would be lifted up and we would all be drawn to HIM this very day and every day.

Much love to all and blessed Sabbath to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

Just a note to thank you all for persevering during my brief blogging hiatus/posting of old stuff to try to give you something to read and think about.

(I particularly appreciated the encouraging notes and prayers! Sometimes life can just FEEL so lonely–even though we are blessed with all we need in Christ and then we overflow with blessings in the Body. But oh! Those pesky FEELINGS ... they can be quite a drag, eh?)

Anyway ... we’re back, unpacked, and looking ahead to the week as I try to line up playdates and opportunities to serve friends and uninterrupted time to work on dvd editing & homeschooling schedules, etc. etc. etc.

(Oh yeah–did I tell you that we officially passed on the Christian preschool for Sophie for the fall? I’m going to keep her home, keep doing what we’re doing re: Bible, reading, violin, logic, French, writing, Art ... and TRY to be more diligent on that pesky ol' MATH! )

AND I’m also hoping to serve some of our church’s families with “Pre-K” kids in our Homeschooling Co-Op once a week too.

(!!! Tara??? !!! Me??? Work with CHILDREN??? Are you KIDDING? Do you HEAR the scary music??? How is this EVER going to POSSIBLY work???!!!??? Those of you who know me must be LAUGHING at the thought ... but, well, we’ve prayed. Talked. Sought counsel. Prayed some more ... and there you have it. I’m doing a “scope and sequence” and trying my best. AND trying to not have a panic attack too. If ONLY I just had something SIMPLE to do like spontaneously talk to a group of 5,000 people with no prep time or organize a HUGE chaotic project or something. But no ... there I’ll be ... Tara. Children. Trusting that God is with me. Doing my best. Eek!)

Fred took Sophie fishing for the first time yesterday, so I’ll to post some pics as soon as I can.

My heart is burdened! I’m in a dark place.
So I’m trying to remember one true thing about Who God is (and one true thing about who I am in Christ).
I’m trying to do just the ONE next thing and not just hide and give up.

Oh–I wonder what it would be like to live life in my “steady-Freddy's” heart and mind?
No huge swings of mood or emotion.
Not tempted to despair on a (fairly) regular basis.

But God knows best, right?
(He does! He does!)

So let’s worship HIM.

God bless and Happy Saturday!

Yours,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

Hooray for Momma G!
Sophia and I had a fun adventure today ...

Thanks to a sweet invitation from Auntie Judy T., we went to our very first MOVIE (complete with popcorn and everything). And to make the day even MORE fun, our friends T. and Mrs. G. came too. (I’m not using their names because some people don’t like to have their names on the Internet–and I’m not sure how these friends feel about that.)

Everything was great (happy, obedient children; fun treats; an OK movie that we all enjoyed) ... UNTIL ...
(Scary Music!) ...

At the very end, after all of the people had left, the girls were chasing each other around the theater just having fun. Then we headed out of the theater down the LONG hall to the concession area (that was PACKED with people).

The girls got a little far ahead of us and I called for Sophie to, “Freeze!” She did not.
I said, “Sophia, STOP.” She did not.

(Although T. DID OBEY. Immediately.)

But my darling Sophia, instead, took a sharp turn and DASHED into the CROWD–completely and utterly OUT OF OUR SIGHT.

So here’s my Hooray for Mrs. G!

My friend is like a THOUSAND times in better shape than I am.
Plus she’s a RUNNER.
AND she was wearing runnable shoes–unlike me.

And without hesitating she DASHED.
I mean RAN.

She made the corner just as Sophia disappeared into the crowd (and Judy and Teresa and I weren’t even CLOSE).
She chased! (And Sophie CONTINUED TO DISOBEY. Seriously–I have NEVER experienced ANYTHING like this from Sophia before.)

She called out to Sophia. (Who did NOT come to her!)
And FINALLY–she caught up to Sophie. And snatched her.
And brought her to me in TEARS.

I felt so bad.
Here my friend was SHAKING and CRYING ("I couldn’t see her! I couldn’t see her!") because she cared so much about my daughter and she was frightened.

Talk about RUINING a fun outing.
Well–temporarily at least.

Because, of course, there is FORGIVENESS! And this is a great thing.

Sophia apologized to Mrs. G. (through her tears) and was forgiven.
But there were still consequences.
DOUBLE TROUBLE consequences for disobeying Mommy AND disobeying Mrs. G. (and thus, putting herself in a very dangerous situation).

We talked about it all the way home while she cried and cried in the back seat and Daddy listened on the phone.
And when we got home, she had her painful consequence.

But then she was forgiven!

Oh! I am JUST SO GRATEFUL FOR FORGIVENESS! And for the privilege of raising Sophia in a world where she can be forgiven too–all because of Jesus.

(Otherwise, the day really would’ve been ruined!)

After all that, it was time for cuddles and Bible reading and then nappies.
She and I read Jesus' teaching on the Prodigal son.
And how grateful I was to God when we reached the end and the son was forgiven and Sophia said:

"Just like ME, Momma. He was forgiven just like me."

That’s right, dear. That’s right.

Amen & Amen
(And thanks again, Mrs. G! You were my hero today.)

Love to all,
Tara B.

I recently received an email from a friend who was asking for advice regarding a broken relationship in her life. (LONG story that I won’t retell, but she’s trying to figure out how/if to try to re-establish ties with a woman who has caused a lot of conflict in the past.)

I’ve changed the names (of course!) and all identifying information, but I thought that even without the whole “back story / explanation”, my response might help/encourage a few of you, so I’ll copy it below.

Sophie and I head home tomorrow! Fred and Lilikoi seem to be eager to have us home after two weeks on the road.

Love to all and thanks for your patience with my blogging break!

Yours,
Tara B.

Dear Tonya,

Re: your questions on your (very sad!) situation, I’m not sure I’m the best person to help you. Usually our church leaders and close friends/family have much greater wisdom to share with us. However, I do want you to know that I care, so here are just a few thoughts—please take them with a grain of salt and seek counsel on anything I share, OK?

To begin … I’m just so very, very sorry that this situation has occurred and has brought so much sadness to so many lives. Sin, unbelief, our humanness, fallenness, Satan, the world, the Old Man … life is just incredibly hard! And relationships (as I know you know) can be particularly hard that way.

So please know that I am sorry for your suffering and the suffering of everyone involved! I wish that I could help to comfort you all in that.

Regarding your specific questions on the situation (just brainstorming here) …

1. It sounds like (from what you’ve described), this is a very common situation—in missionary agencies, churches, families, etc. Everyone wants to submit as long as they agree, but who wants to submit when they disagree? (I.e., does God REALLY work out His will through authority? Do our leaders REALLY have the right to be wrong?) ALSO … it is very, very common for someone (usually a woman) to have major relational problems for YEARS and have no one (absolutely no one) help her. It’s so sad! Because I’d imagine that the woman you described has great gifts! But a history of conflict/broken relationships … well … hello pot, it’s me kettle. Of course I can relate and sympathize and I’m just so sorry for the entire situation. It seems to me that it really does take biblical, redemptive, accountable, ecclesiastical authority, redemptive church discipline, community to help us grow in grace. And most organizations / churches / families simply don’t operate this way—so how can we grow and actually DEAL with things?

2. What should your attitude be toward her? Same as toward every single person in your life, I would imagine: “Oh, look. A wretched, horrible sinner—just like me. Good thing God is such a gracious and forgiving God!! Now … how can I encourage HER to run to the Cross and remember the gospel and cling to CHRIST—just as I need desperate help to do the same???” Does that mean you just pick up the friendship where it ended before? Well, no, I can’t imagine that because it SEEMS (again—I’m only hearing one side of the story and I take everything anyone ever tells me with a huge grain of salt!) … that she needs rescue in a particular area (just as you do and I do—but maybe in other areas). So what does redemptive relationship look like? Hmmmmmmmmm …. I don’t know for sure, but I could imagine that it might include, well: honesty (about what happened in the past and what is currently going on—if they truly are completely unwilling to even talk about it with you, that’s a huge red flag to me and I would be extremely cautious; that indicates a potential hard-heart and unteachable/proud spirit); truth (with charitable presumptions!); grace grace grace … and always wisdom from Heaven. (I.e., let’s say that this woman absolutely REFUSES to submit to ANY authority. Let’s say she is consistently destructive, a gossip, a slanderer … what is the most loving thing for this neighbor of yours? Who is authority over her who can help her? What is the most God-glorifying thing to do?)

3. I’m not sure how to respond to your “on the forgiveness spectrum” question—because I don’t really understand how/if she actually sinned against you. Did she offend you? Sin against you? Has she sought your forgiveness? How about you toward her? Why do you feel betrayed by her? Have you discussed this with her? You say she has broken trust and that hasn’t been restored—well, my friend, that doesn’t sound like there is “forgiveness” and “reconciliation” and “restoration of relationship.” And I know you know that YOU can’t make any of those things happen. If she is unwilling to talk with you, get help, submit, seek counsel, repent, grow, confess, change … there is little you can do. And of course, it seems to me that there is no way for genuine friendship, trust, and restored relationship to happen. That doesn’t mean that you judge her, disdain her, think yourself more highly than her (NO WAY!!!) … but real relationship just doesn’t happen without conversation/humility/genuine care, etc.

4. I would encourage you to read How People Change (by Lane & Tripp) and pray specifically for wisdom as to how the Lord may or may not be calling you to minister the gospel in her life. I know you know this: but you are not the Holy Spirit. AND you are not the Church. AND you are not her husband or her ordained church leaders OR her organizational leaders either. So how much can / should you really even try to help her? How teachable is she? Is this a pearls before swine situation? Is she a fool who refuses to listen to any counsel? Or is there an opportunity here to serve and be involved? Difficult people change in COMMUNITY. It takes a Church to help those of us who are really messed up! (And I mean ME! ) One “friend” is not the answer. BUT … one friend might be an important piece. It really is a wisdom issue, dear, dear Tonya. And I don’t know the answer.

5. Lastly, and I think most importantly … setting aside all of the stuff about HER, I would encourage YOU to seek counsel, Tonya, from wise and loving friends/church leaders who love you enough to help you see the truth. Whatever this woman has done, is doing, and will do … I am absolutely 100% sure that YOU have much to learn about the Lord, yourself, your relationships, your heart, your areas of strength and weakness, your areas of faith and unbelief, hidden sins, wonderful delightful glorious beauty in you … and focusing on the LORD and YOUR HEART regarding this situation will only be toward your betterment and your greater conformity to Christ. Honestly—there is so much room for growth in grace in YOU that has absolutely nothing to do with HER—that I encourage you to pray and focus on THAT. Oh, and you know what? As you glory in GOD and more accurately see your own heart? It is a sure bet that your heart will be more gracious and merciful to her—even if she never repents!—because you will be reveling in how much you deserve WRATH but how much God forgives YOU every single day.

OK—I totally have to run now. (Sophia and I have been on the road for two weeks helping family and I am just slammed.)

Sorry this is brief and quick and unedited … I should’ve re-read it and fixed its many errors. I do hope it is even a TINY bit edifying!!

Tonya, you are loved.
It’s going to be OK.

God is with you.
God is for His children!!

Hang in there—OK?
And get counsel from people with “boots on the ground” right there with you. Let them hold you and wipe your tears and rebuke you and counsel you!

Much, much love,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

Learning to laugh at our imperfections ...
So yesterday I had the strange experience of actually feeling that (lovely!) sense of accomplishment that I had actually accomplished something!

(Those of you with toddlers know what I mean, right? The days of having a goal; setting a schedule; keeping the schedule; and accomplishing the goal seem VERY VERY far away, don’t they?)

It had to do with a project I was doing for our church’s small group ministry ... We really needed some new “song books” for use in our small groups. (The old ones were missing a bunch of songs we’re singing now; they didn’t have many hymns; and they were not organized in any way–not alphabetized, no table of contents–so it was really hard to find stuff.)

So Fred and I sat for like an hour Sunday night and figured out what songs to keep / get rid of / add. We found the words & music. We organized. We alphabetized. And we were all set for me to go to the church Monday morning to get the copies “just right,” add a table of contents, add page numbers, etc. etc.

Sophie did great for over TWO HOURS as I organized and copied at the church office. Our church secretary was a dear to let Sophie play/color while I worked. And I left with NEW SONG BOOKS. Hooray!

Seriously–HOORAY!

Every time I looked at the song books at my home I thought, “Yes. Well done, Tara. Good job! These might actually help/bless our little small group. You’ve procrastinated doing it for two years–but now you’ve done it. It’s done and that’s great.”

UNTIL ...
(scary music ...)

In our family devotions last night, Fred and Sophie asked where the song, “I am God” was. (It’s Sophie’s favorite because Fred sings lead for it on our worship team’s CD.) “It’s in there,” I replied. “It has to be.”

Except, of course, IT WASN’T.
(!!)

And while we were perusing the (snazzy!) Table of Contents looking for it, we noticed this strange alphabetizing:

- Here I Stand!
- His Grace is Sufficient
- In Christ Alone
- How Deep the Father’s Love
- I Will Praise Him Still
- I Will Seek You Earnestly (Psalm 63)

Now, I’m no college graduate. (Wait, yes I am. And two graduate degrees too, right? I know they’re in a box somewhere under a bed ... )

But do YOU think that having H’s and then I’s and then H’s again is a TEXT BOOK way of alphabetizing??????

(!! Aarrrrrggghhhh !!)

So all of a sudden my FEELING GOOD went to FEELING STUPID. From total success to utter failure. Again.

(I was really bummed out.)

So where is the gospel in all of that?

I guess one thing is that I really see how I am a WRETCHED “PERFECTIONIST” who of course can’t measure up. Really. I can’t. Not in any area of life. Perfection is just NEVER going to happen. Well, not until Glory.

But I push myself and then I’m sorely disappointed and GRACELESS to myself. And this is NOT how I want to be.

I thought ... “What if this were Sophie? Would I want her to beat herself up over a mistake (or two)? Of course not!”

You know what we say ALL the time in our household? “Good try, honey. Way to persevere. Mistakes happen. No biggie. Let’s try again. Would you like some help? Let’s work together as a team! Boy, we’re a good team, aren’t we?”

I say this to Sophie ... but you know what? The grace of God calls me to say the same thing to myself:
“Nice try, Tara. Not perfect. But you gave it your best and really tried to bless. Now let it go. Laugh at the H’s & I’s & H’s again. Let it remind you of your imperfections and MY perfect love for you. No biggie. Way to persevere. I love you.”

You know–I am going to bed tonight thinking about how grace covers not only SINS but just our FALLENNESS too.

Thank You, God, for your perfect mercies and your blood-bought grace.

Much love to you all–

Your friend,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

A plan. A friend.
I reached out to someone this week for help. (You know–you’ve heard me say it a thousand times ... what do I need help with? Discipline, prayer, accountability, etc.)

I was SO nervous to ask her. Boy it’s hard to be vulnerable!! But God’s grace CONSTRAINED me. Really. I just knew I had to do it and so I did.

How grateful I was when she responded that she had JUST been praying about that VERY thing on the VERY day she received my email!

And so I think that we might start to work together. I’m still a tiny bit scared – but hopeful too.

Change is SO hard!
But it’s good to not be alone.

I don’t think we have a plan yet ... but I’m mulling on this:
1. Face who I really am; and
2. Trust Who God truly is.
(Thanks to Profs. Lane & Tripp!)

Here’s to a good Thursday –

(I think I’m going to try to get Sophia into the doctor. Day four of a fever that has been in the 103 range. Poor love.)

Joy to you!

Your friend,
Tara B.

(From 2005)

Grace Cannot Coexist with Bitterness
Our family loves, prays for, and supports a Youth for Christ missionary by the name of Ajith Fernando. To us, Ajith and his family members are heroes of the faith. Their sacrifice and service would be impossible to measure outside of eternity. I love his writings and it is a joy to serve him even in some small way.

Today, his letter to his supporters included an essay on pain, anger, and grace. In it, he wrote:

“Grace must soften our hearts so that more grace can enter in, making us gracious and taking away that destructive attitude of anger that looks at life saying, “I have been wronged.” Such anger is an enemy which we must fight with utmost dedication, for it takes away the thing that makes discipleship so worthwhile: the joy of the Lord. The sorrow may remain. But the joy of the Lord can coexist with sorrow, pain and tears. It cannot coexist with bitterness. Anger also takes away our anointing for we act in the flesh and not in the Spirit. This makes even the good things we do useless from God’s perspective—wood, hay and stubble which will be burned away at the judgment (1 Cor. 3:12-15).”

I think I will meditate on these truths for days – and I thought they might encourage you as well.

By faith, may we wage war against our anger and bitterness, and live solely by grace alone, for God’s glory alone!

(I’m feeling a bit lonely today. Sophie is having a wonderful time at “Grandma Camp” (with Fred’s mom)–away from me for two whole nights!!–and I have boxes and cleaning supplies a beckoning downstairs.)

Here is what Fred sent me in my email Inbox this morning:

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the Sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

He really DOES look on Him and pardon His children.
Our only hope.
Our ONLY Hope.

God bless you, dear ones!

Yours,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

What would I do if my husband were unrepentant?

I was looking for an old email this morning and I came across this letter that I had written in response to a dear, precious, godly, wise woman who was struggling in an unhappy Christian marriage.

Since I’ve already posted some blogs on “Miserable Christian Marriages”, I thought it might be helpful to share this letter with you. Hope so!

(Please note that OF COURSE, all identifying information has been changed to protect her confidentiality. I’ve also deleted some of the letter because it was not directly relevant to this topic and I’ve also taken the editorial liberty of adding some clarifying details.)

–

Dear Patricia,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me again. I am continually humbled that you would choose to express such important and heart-wrenching issues and feelings to me. And of course I am terribly saddened by the brokenness in your marriage and family. It grieves me to hear of your suffering! And I continue to wish that I could simply will it all away with a wave of my hands. Please know that I would do so in a heartbeat if I could.

Instead, all I can do is continue to pray for you and do my best to love you well. So in that light, here are my thoughts on your letter from earlier today …

Concerning my comments on idolatry and no man ever satisfying you ... please know that I mean exactly what I mean towards myself every day too ... that is, it is an evidence of grace that God loves us far too much to allow us to be satisfied with anyone or anything other than Himself. And there is simply no thing or no person that will ultimately bring us peace. Joy. Satisfaction. That in this life, we will continually be disappointed, betrayed, rejected, attacked. Those we love and who love us will fail us. We will try and fail. We will run away and become even more hardened. We will repent and try again and may experience seasons of joy, moments of justice, glimmers of shalom ... but ultimately, it’s all through a glass dimly. Our hearts are restless until one day when we ultimately find our rest in Him in Heaven to come.

About your thoughts on how I would respond if my confessing Christian husband acted the way that your husband (John Robert) does ... I really don’t know for sure how I would respond. My closest analogy is when I was gracelessly misjudged, cruelly rejected, publicly shamed, and personally and professionally devastated at the hands of a confessing Christian man who had an authority role over me.

Of course, my sin played a huge role in our conflict too. But as my focus was on his contribution and my “hopeless” situation, I know that every single day for years I was tempted to hatred, judgment, and bitterness. I know that I wept for hundreds and hundreds of hours and wanted to run away (and even made “plans” to do so).

I know that my heart and life were poisoned by my legitimate grief turning an ugly corner into vengeance and demands for vindication and even daydreams of his demise/suffering/public embarrassment and my vindication as the “poor victim suffering so terribly”. I know that I was disgusted by how he was so charming and “godly” in front of others … how he professed “love” for me and “care” – but then his actions said otherwise time and time again. (I could go on & on ...)

BUT, I also know that we were all members of a local church. We had taken vows of accountability and submission to oversight. And for YEARS we got help. Individual meetings. Mediations. More meetings, prayer, confrontation. More mediations. I know that my pastors prayed for me and loved me enough to rebuke, counsel, encourage—RESCUE me. I know that a small number of women knew of the situation (the four women in my prayer group) and they were regularly praying for me and confronting me and comforting me too.

These friends wept with me, but they did NOT tolerate my sin. And I know that although, to this day, I do not have the joy of a fully restored relationship with this man (it still seems like he sees only my WORST and my FAILURES and that he continues to keep me at arm’s length “because I’m not good enough”), I have great hope and I can say that we ARE reconciled as brother and sister in Christ. We have confessed our sins to one another and forgiven one another. And when I am tempted to bitterness. Again. God is gracious to lead me in repentance! So this man and I can take communion together and worship together and persevere in fellowship together—even as we seek to rebuild trust, strengthen our relationship, and glorify God together.

Is our relationship perfect? Nope. Do I feel safe around him? Well—not too safe. But yes, I trust GOD and seek to love this man. Does he feel safe around me? Hmmmm … I wonder what I can do to serve him and help him in this regard. (Maybe it’s time for another follow-up call, eh?)

Is he perfect? No way. Am I? NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

Are we both growing in grace? Yes.
Why? Because it is GOD who is at work in our hearts conforming us to Christ.
And yes, lots of people help me.
Just as I trust lots of people are helping this man too. (Probably much more effectively than me!)

And SO … in this horribly painful situation involving this horribly broken relationship … my sin, though wicked and devastating of course, did not overwhelm me.

NOT because of ME—but because of the Body. Without the discipline of the Church? Well, I’d probably be dead (by suicide). Or maybe just dead inside because of my bitterness and rage. But either way it would not be good.

So, all that to say ... I think you’re right. I don’t think I would “take it and say nothing” if my husband were caught in besetting sins. Instead, I hope and pray that I would draw closer to him, share the gospel with him, make respectful appeals and gentle confrontations, enlist help from friends, our small group, our church leaders … in short, do my best to effectuate change in the situation.

But if he did not repent; if he continued to treat me cruelly; if my daily lot was painful and lonely and horribly hard, I truly hope and pray that by God’s grace, His grace would constrain my sin through His Spirit, His Word, and His Body. So that, though my life would be in many ways a body of death in miserable marriage, I would pick up my cross and love God and neighbor and my nearest enemy—my husband.

Maybe things would change. Maybe not. At least not in this life. But one day? Ah, one day. I would KNOW that every wrong would be righted FOREVER. That would be my hope. It’s my only hope even this very day.

And of course I can’t do it.
I can’t remember God’s great and precious promises–more or less lay hold them and apply them to my life.
I for sure can’t love the people who viciously attack, accuse, misjudge, betray, and hurt me. Over and over again. And again.
I can’t keep doing good and blessing the very ones who say, “I love you, Tara” and then ignore and disdain me.

I can’t. I fail. Over and over again.

And so here is my hope ...
God is a gracious and merciful God
Who loves even messed-up, wretched, horrible people like ME.
At my most selfish
idolatrous
bitter
HIS grace is GREATEST
toward ol' sinner me.

And that is my confidence for you, Patricia –
God’s grace is toward YOU!
Not because of who you are, what you do, how you succeed, how you fail –
But because of Jesus Christ.

When the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us. Not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. (Titus 3!)

And one way that God ministers his grace is through His Body.
His imperfect, oft-messed-up, regularly failing Church.

And so – though He slay me – I trust Him.
And though (for a season) I weep through every Sunday service and I feel CRUSHED by the pain … yet, in obedience, I run to the Church.

And when I am too beat down to even lift my eyes to the cross
And no one seems to notice or care or even give a rip about me
My only comfort in life and in death
Is that I am not my own
But belong with all my body and soul
To my Savior Jesus Christ.

I hope that your life will not be filled with daily, chronic, overwhelming pain, Patricia!
How I pray that you will have peace even in the midst of the storm
That one day, your wounds will not bleed and ache so terribly, so viciously
And I am comforted in knowing that ONE DAY in Heaven to come, all of this suffering will be over. What a good day that will be.

Please know that I will continue to keep you and your precious family in my prayers!

With love from your sister in Christ,
Tara Barthel

(From 2006)

Another AMAZING point that the speaker made last night had to do with the nature of SIN.

She mentioned how she had actually felt the “lump” or “ridge” in her breast for weeks before she did anything about it.

She told herself: “It’s just tissue.” “It’s just cystic.”

But of course it was the most aggressive, deadly breast cancer known to Man. Left untreated it would kill her for sure.

She (again) regaled us as she described her tendency to minimize her sin: “I guess I have some issues with anger management.” And to make excuses and shift blame: “Yes, I raised my voice to you and I probably shouldn’t have–but it WAS the THIRD TIME you asked me that EXACT SAME QUESTION!!!”

(Again! Oh, how I could relate.)

But then she took us to Scripture
and she showed us how God’s Word clearly says that sin is NOT to be trifled with.

She reminded us that sin leads to DEATH
and left untreated, our sin will kill us.

We can ignore it
minimize it
rationalize it
call it something “nicer”

But our sin is an enemy that seeks to DESTROY US.
Our Old Man is SET AGAINST GOD.

Our sin hates God.
And left untreated it will kill us.

Oh! What a call to engage in faith’s fight against sin–
To remember the Truth of the Gospel that we are NO LONGER SLAVES TO SIN.
To get help to engage in the battle!

To believe the Word of God more than our feelings or the lies that tempt us.

(I did a previous post on CHERISHED SINS where I quoted Pastor John Piper: “The attempt to find happiness in life by pinning your hope on something other than obedience to Jesus is like a lamb trying to satisfy its thirst at the nipple of a mother wolf. The source of your brief satisfaction will eat you for supper when evening comes.” SO TRUE! SO TRUE!)

How I pray that even this very day we will HATE OUR SIN and LOVE GOD.
(I’m ashamed to confess how much I love my sin sometimes. Such immaturity and faithlessness in me!)

And that we will remember that God’s love is toward His children and HE is changing us.
Amen! Amen!

Yours in the battle,
Tara B.

(From 2006)

“Thanks for teaching me, Mom.”
The other day I was facing a deadline on a HUGE project and I just WASN’T in the mood for my (normally enjoyable) “mother of a toddler” duties.

(In retrospect, I think I should’ve asked a friend to have Sophie over so that I could’ve just concentrated on the project ... but hindsight is 20/20, eh?)

Anyway ... Sophie got out a toy and was busy putting hundreds of little pieces all over the floor and making a giant “trash the room” mess at my feet. I was OK with that because she was quiet ... well, for a few minutes. THEN she got frustrated and needed help.

OH MAN! I could literally FEEL the frustration come up from my stomach into my chest and my throat tighten as I was about to be IMPATIENT and use THE TONE with her. (You know the tone, don’t you? The FRUSTRATED MOMMA tone? It’s NOT pleasant.)

But then ... GOD’S GRACE CONSTRAINED ME. And instead of raising my voice or being rude to her, I just asked:
"Sophie, would you like me to show you how to put those pieces back inside?
And she said:
“Yes, please Momma.”
And so I did.

And then, do you know what she said?
“Thanks, Mom, for teaching me how to put those pieces away.”
Oh! I was SO humbled.

I could’ve modeled my black, sinful, wretched, selfish heart to her. And instead, I was the one who was blessed.

Thank You, God, for your constraining grace!
Amen & Amen

WOW! I am TIRED–but happy. The whole goal of this trip was to HELP ... and there really is nothing quite like that feeling of getting to REALLY serve and make even a tiny bit of a difference in the lives of people you care about.

That being said, however, I think today will be a day of NOT carrying out twenty-two contractor-sized bags of garbage and grouping/organizing/boxing/labeling, etc. Both my back (ouch!) and my brain (I’m organizing things in my sleep) need a break. Back at it tomorrow–but today plans to be a day with a happy three-year old riding on the tourist trolleys around Chicago as we explore the Children’s museum, carousel, and (if we’re ALL brave enough!) the super-humungous-first-time-ever-million-story-high FERRIS WHEEL. (Eek!)

In the interim, I’ve taken only a grand total of like five pictures ... here are the three that aren’t so terribly blurry. Hope you enjoy! And thanks again for the prayers and love and encouragement. I really appreciate you all.

Love,
Tara B.

Uncle Fred Enjoying Sophia’s First-Time READING for Him!



"Oh, Canada!" Sophia Loved Playing with Grandpa Joe and Nana Marlene!

(From 2005)

Busy People & Sloth
As I was teaching at a women’s retreat this past weekend, I shared that I often struggle with sloth. The women laughed – probably because it can so easily seem that I am an efficient and productive person – and then I made the offhand comment that many busy people are prone to sloth.

It’s true! I see this in my own life and others have affirmed my gut instinct that so often we work really hard for a short period of time so that we can lazily indulge in unproductive, if not outright sinful, pastimes.

(Please note that I am not talking about God-glorifying rest. We all need to rest and recuperate. Relaxation, time with family and friends, pleasure, enjoyment–these are lovely, beautiful, God-honoring aspects of a Believer’s life. No, what I’m talking about is the insidious, self-indulgent, even wicked pastimes that we hide by being so “godly” and “efficient” the rest of our days.)

For example ... If I run around at 110 mph and crank out a BUNCH of work in a two-hour window and then enjoy a sweet nap or walk or a few pages of an interesting book ... praise the Lord! But what if I work hard to accomplish those tasks for the express purpose of later having time to laze around and watch mindless television while overindulging in (fill in the blank with your pet sin): food, alcohol, internet surfing to sites we would be embarrassed to have our children (or pastor!) find on our computer, shopping for worthless indulgences, etc. etc. etc.

Do you see how then our busy-ness can hide our sloth? Our sin?

Well, it can seem to hide our darkness ... but of course as Believers we know that everything is light in the Lord! There is nothing that can be hidden from Him.

Thank God He is also merciful as well as just!

This past weekend, I was reading John Piper’s wonderful book Don’t Waste Your Life. As I worked through the introduction, I journaled this:

“I do “so much”—but really, I do a LOT really quickly so that I can indulge myself. Rest, tv, food. I need to “get my stuff done” so that I can then hide away.

Please forgive me Jesus.
I have one life. I was made for YOU. Please don’t let me waste this life, Jesus.

Matthew 4 …
Stop trying to live on bread, Tara! Only living on every word that comes from the mouth of God is REAL LIVING. Everything else is a guilt-ridden burdened façade of ultimate despair.
Don’t put God to the test! You are playing with fire.
Run! Run! Run away from sin! Flee temptation!
Listen to the counsel you give Sophie.
Eat the food you feed your daughter.
Pray as you wish she would pray one day.

Worship the Lord your God and serve HIM only.

Yes, yes, you have been living for YOU. Even your Christian life is a lie. But it is also THE TRUTH.

You are a liar.
Manipulator.
Failure.

But you are loved.
Huh??

You, Tara, are loved.

But I don’t deserve it.
Absolutely. You don’t.

But but but …

Stop doubting and believe.
Believe!
Believe!

*

Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is near!

Repent so that God will love me?
NO.
Repent BECAUSE God loves me.
Ahhh … now we’re in the realm of the gospel.

Come follow me and YOU will become fishers of men?
NOPE. Come follow me and I will make you fishers of men.

Only one life,
‘Twil soon be past;
Only what’s done
For Christ will last.

*

Long my search has been in vain.
Now I must begin again.

O God, I do repent.
Please God lead me in repentance.
O God, I do believe.
Please, Jesus, help my unbelief. Deliver me from myself. My doubts and fears and longings. Please change me from the deceived and clouded woman I am to a woman of faith and maturity.

May I begin again. This moment. This day.
Please help me Jesus!
Please, God, please have mercy on me and help me.

***

O God, my Rock and my Redeemer. I am desperate for you. Desperate. A mess. A big honk of messed up Tara. Please forgive me and change me. Amen and amen.

Dr. Fuller “the Unity of the Bible”: God ordained a redemptive history whose sequence fully displays his glory so that, at the end, the greatest possible number of people would have had the historical antecedents necessary to engender [the most] fervent love for God … “

Please, God, give me a new heart that DELIGHTS in YOU with ALL MY HEART all for YOUR GLORY!!

Please make my passion YOUR passion.

Please change my heart. Please change what I delight in. Please change my passions. Thinking. Desiring, Believing.

Please don’t let me make peace with sin and go to hell (Matthew 5:29).

Please make me happy in You, God, for this will show you more glorious than all other sources of happiness!

Jonathan Edwards: The godly are designed for unknown and inconceivable happiness.

It is a lethal distraction to make myself the object of my highest affections. I was made to see and savor GOD—and savoring Him to be supremely satisfied, and thus spread in all the world the worth of his presence."

(From 2006)

Presuming the Worst

I get to go home today! Yippppeee! Eleven days away from Fred & Sophie is just way too long and I don’t think we’ll be quickly wading into that length of a separation again.

(My not being home was particularly challenging for Fred yesterday at 4AM when Sophie sat up in bed and promptly threw up over herself, Fred, and our bed too. Those “comfort the child, clean up the mess, try to get everyone back to sleep” times go better with both parents around. Plus, to quote Fred in his typical understated and funny way of observing life, “Barf is gross.” Yes, yes. Yes it is, dear. Wish I had been there to help.)

But it’s been a good trip too.

My sister is creating tremendous value for her client and her company and I love to support her in any way I can.

PLUS ... we are trying to get even 15 or 30 minutes of exercise/fresh air/walking a day (hard to do with 16 hour workdays, but we are trying) ... and that’s allowed for some interesting chats.

On a recent walk, she mentioned something to me that has really stuck with me and I thought I’d mention it to you too ...

We were talking about the strength of our friendship and our commitment to one another. (I’m always amazed that she wants to be my friend–so many people reject and give up on me that I have a very hard time trusting that any friend will stick around for any measurable length of time.)

And she pointed out that her observation is that over the years, people have often attributed uncharitable motives to me and that is one reason why they walk away from me and reject me so completely.

For example: a person might see me rushing around, trying to get things done before an important meeting and think, “That Tara, she doesn’t care about people at all.” “She is SO ungracious to people.” “All Tara cares about is herself.”

BUT ... Kali says that because she has taken the time to get to know me, she knows that IN GENERAL, that’s not what is going on in my heart. More likely, I’m rushing around because I don’t want to let people down; I am trying my best to help/serve people; I care so much about them and their experience that I’m trying (too hard?) to have things “just so.”

She points out that I have TONS to learn about relating to people. That I have some ownership of the situation and many opportunities for improvement.

But she also reminds me that I am not responsible for how other people (harshly, uncharitably) misjudge me.

In her experience of relating with me for 35+ years, she has taken the time to get to know me. And she has a LOT of data based on a LOT of time with me that backs her up on presuming the best about me. And one of the reasons why I don’t have to be afraid that she’ll just “turn me out,” or “walk away,” is because (unlike so many others–a LOT of them Christians), she is committed to persevering in relationship with me and presuming the best about me.

But most people don’t live that way, do they?

Isn’t that true in your relationships?

Someone forgets to CC us on an email and we think, “I can’t BELIEVE they are intentionally snubbing me like that.” We’re not invited to a party and we jump to, “I guess SHE doesn’t want to be my friend.”

We interpret life in the way that is most HARSH toward the other person and most HURTFUL to us in the long-run.

But don’t we know that the love that covers over a multitude of sins is pure grace?

You know, my sister is not even a Christian ... but her life sure evidences a ton of common grace.

I am praying that even this very day, I will presume the BEST and minister grace in every interaction I have with every person.

(I’m also hoping I can get back to sleep because 4AM in a hotel room is an OK time to blog, but an even better time to sleep. )

G'nite again!
And joy to you –
tkb

(From 2005)

Different Responses to Suffering
When I have the privilege of teaching on biblical peacemaking, I always have the concurrent privilege of visiting and praying with people who are suffering. Conflict & suffering go hand in hand – and I spend my breaks, meal times, and late nights seeking the Lord with hurting Believers.

Last night I was struck again by how varied our responses to conflict and suffering can be. I was spending time with some friends and we were discussing our pastor’s sermon from last Sunday. (He is currently preaching on Habakkuk – so as you might imagine, we are deep into the topic of suffering.) As we began the conversation, I was quietly thinking to myself how two of the people present have suffered so much in their lives–and yet they are loving, faithful, (imperfect like all of us–yes), sweet, fun, wonderful people.

But here’s the part that knocks me over ...

As we were all discussing the different causes of suffering, the philosophical problem of evil, how God uses suffering to discipline (but not punish) us, taking joy in our suffering, etc. etc., both of these people reflected to the group on how they hadn’t really suffered much in their lives.

What?
What?

I couldn’t believe it and, as you might imagine knowing me, I couldn’t remain silent any longer ...

“You haven’t suffered?!” I asked. “I don’t even know what to say! Of all the people I know, you have suffered so much!” Tears came to my eyes as I looked at these friends whom I love and I reflected for just a nanosecond on how much they have been hurt in their lives–especially by people who should have been their staunchest supporters, defenders, protectors, friends.

Do you know how they responded?

They talked about their own sin and depravity and how they deserve much, much worse–yet God lavishes grace on them.

They reflected on the blessings and joys in their lives–not denying their pain, not stoically pretending it doesn’t exist, but likewise not focusing on it and dwelling on it every day.

They quietly mentioned how much other people are “really” suffering – and how their own life experiences, though painful, simply can’t compare.

As I listened to them, I mentally replayed conversations with other Christians that I’ve had where the person sitting before me self-righteously demands, “I don’t deserve this!” (When, really, apart from Christ, we all deserve Hell.) Times when Believers are called to suffer every day, day in and day out, with an unloving and ungrateful in-law or spouse, a disabled or rebellious child, a miserable work experience–and instead of persevering, they run away and try to justify it with the unbiblical notion that, “God wants me to be happy.”

(OK, honestly, in addition to other people, I was also cringing as I mentally replayed days, weeks, months, and even years when I struggled with such selfish and faithless responses to suffering.)

How I pray that we will all keep our eyes fixed on eternity and remember that this life, whether we live to be 80, 90, or 100, is our only time to suffer well.

And instead of responding to our suffering with bitterness and rage, we will truly learn to grieve with hope, find comfort in the Comforter, and actually begin to count it all joy. May we grow up into Him Who is our Head! Who suffered for us.

Yes, we can prayerfully, humbly, shrewdly battle evil. You bet.
Yes, we can seek to change our circumstance even as we are content in it (the secret jewel of Christian contentment!).

But oh! That we may respond with faith in God and trust in His perfect love and wisdom–especially when the dark times come. For the dark times are temporary! But the Light is eternal.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

(Originally posted in 2005–Sorry to be out of Internet contact for a few days.)

Last week I completely lost it. Internally at least – I was just freaking out. (Funny – I’m sort of feeling that way this morning too.) Anyway, things were swirling & swirling, it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get on top of anything. I knew how I should have been (calm, happy, joyful, hopeful, godly, warm, loving, patient ...), but I could barely breathe! My failures only intensified my messed-up heart.

So what did I do? I grabbed my husband’s worship music folder and organized it. Yup. Right there in the midst of the storm – did I help with dinner, visit with guests, take care of my daughter, or even just show an ounce of mercy to my husband? Nope. I sat and three-hole punched and alphabetized and accomplished one stupid little dumb thing.

Ugh.

Like a drunk to the bottle. Like an addict to her fix. A spender to her favorite online store. A compulsive exerciser to the gym. Instead of turning to the Lord – worshipping Him, remembering His grace, thanking Him for His mercy, begging Him for His help ... what did I do?

I placated myself at the trough of my idol–organizing and had a temporary sense of relief. But of course it doesn’t last. Idols never really satisfy. Not truly. Not lasting.

So here I sit again this morning–struggling with my fears, overwhelmed by my disappointments, frustrated, hurt, lonely.

What hope is there for me?!

Thanks be to God–for He sees me in my lowly estate and does not withhold His love from me. For His love is based on His covenant of grace, His mercy–not my worthiness.

Oh, God, please have mercy on me this day and every day! I am desperate for Your grace. Amen.

“The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.” Exodus 34:6-7


UPDATE


Just this week (July 2005), I received the following email from a friend in response to this blog. I was astoundingly blessed and I thought it might bless you too ...

"It would be a real joy for me to have a chance to spend a little time with you again when schedules permit ... You are a remarkable and fascinating person and I count it a privilege to call you friend. Yes, you are imperfect, but so are we all.

Tara, you are so very aware of your failings, and though that is not always a bad thing since it leads to confession and repentance, it can cause such despair when it is a constant drumbeat of self condemnation.

The picture of you organizing Fred’s music folder in the midst of the upheaval of your family member’s visit broke my heart. You saw yourself as a selfish wife/ mother/ daughter choosing to do her neurotic thing rather than “behave” properly. I see you at that moment as the little girl who had exerted such enormous and exhausting effort, desperately seeking to establish peace and safety in the midst of chaos.

Even a harsh, judgmental sinner like me has compassion on you Tara. How much more compassionate is our God? (...You are a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love. Therefore, you did not desert them, even when ... Nehemiah 9:17b).

Tara, you have endured more heartache and pain than many of us. And yes, you must seek to live a sanctified life by God’s amazing grace. But you will never, ever be perfect. As you tried to assure me, God loves you fully even when you are at your most miserable. I know you know Truth, (and all the verses that go with it, to boot)- but I am just gently and with love reminding you to believe it applies to you too, not just in theory but in fact!

The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17"

Thank God for His mercies!
Thank God for friends. Amen and amen.

Just a note to let you all know that I had another super-fun day of cleaning and organizing extended-family homes yesterday. (MAN! I could SO do this for a living. If anyone wants to fly me out to tackle your crazy/out of control room/basement/home–I’m your gal. I never throw out ANYTHING important and I’m the queen of figuring out systems. Not much I can do well in life–but THIS I do well. )

Anyway–with the non-stop workday, it was also easy to eat healthy and drink TONS of water, so praise God for that!

Off to Canada tomorrow. (Passports arrived!)

Thanks for praying & love to all,
Tara B.

(From March 2006)

Ajith on Responding to Personal Attacks

I received another amazing prayer request update from missionary (& theologian & author & pastor) Ajith Fernando. (If you are not familiar with Ajith, I urge you to get to know him and consider praying for and supporting his ministry with Youth for Christ. I have found him to be one of the most thoughtful, godly, wise, caring, humble ministers to the gospel. Ever.)

He attached this article on Responding to Persecution and I thought it might be a blessing to you ... so here it is!

Blessings to you all –
Off to Maryland this morning –
Your friend,
Tara B.

—

A THREE-PRONGED RESPONSE TO ATTACKS
by Ajith Fernando

How should Christians who are a minority in their land respond when fellow Christians and churches are attacked? I have thought about it a lot because churches are often attacked in Sri Lanka too. One thing is certain—never should our motivation be one of tit-for-tat or revenge. I want to suggest a three-pronged response.

LOVING OUR ENEMIES
We live in a region where the understanding of the concept of honour requires that if someone hits us we must ht back. In some countries the so called “honour killings” are even sometimes ignored by the authorities. This is totally different to the Christian understanding of honour. Paul said: “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honourable in the sight of all” (Rom. 12:17). In Christianity the honourable thing is not to hit back.

Then there is the fact that Christ has asked us to turn the other cheek (Matt. 5:39). So the general response when we are hurt is to love our enemies. This is a teaching that is repeated over and over again in the Bible (Matt. 5:43, 44; Luke 6:27, 35). We are told, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you” (Luke 6:28 ). Referring specially to persecution, Paul says, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them” (Rom. 12:14). Paul says of himself, “When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure” (2 Cor. 4:12b). Peter writing to a church suffering persecution said, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9). Note that in this last verse a blessing is promised if we bless our persecutors.

This is a pretty strong case for loving and blessing those who persecute us. I believe the witness of history is that the reaction of Christians to persecution left a strong impression on the persecutors. After painful initial suffering, they left such a powerful impression upon their persecutors so that large numbers of people ended up coming to Christ. This is our dream for our nations. We want large numbers of people to come to Christ. It may seem impossible now, but that is how the conversion of the Roman Empire looked to the small persecuted band of Christians in the first century to whom the passages I quoted above were first written.

When people in our nations get tired of the endless cycle of violence coming from revenge, may they be challenged by seeing Christians refusing to take revenge and loving their enemies. When they get tired of the corruption that is ruining our chances of progress, may they be challenged by seeing Christians willing to suffer loss and taking on poverty because they refuse to break their principles. When people realise that all their wealth has not given them satisfaction may they be challenged by seeing Christians truly happy and contented by living godly lives and realise that the life we have in Christ is the greatest gain (1 Tim. 6:6). Jesus said, “Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 5:16). That is our ambition for the church.

Actually the persecuted Christians in the New Testament era looked forward to nothing short of world conquest by Christ. They saw their sufferings as temporary means towards achieving that end. That is how we see our sufferings too. So knowing that Christ is the truth, yearning for our nations to bow their knees to Christ and believing that Christ will conquer the world in the end influences our attitude to persecution.

Of course only a pure church where people truly love God can react this way. The churches in South Asia are anything but pure. This is a much more serious problem than the persecution we are going through. We must pray that God will use this persecution to make our people truly holy which is the biggest need in the church today—a much bigger need that the need to avoid suffering.

SEEKING LEGAL RIGHTS FOR CHRISTIANS
Now that is one side of the coin. The other side is that the Bible shows that the early Christians did all they could to win legitimacy for Christians. In Philippi, when Paul and Silas were released after being unlawfully beaten, they did not meekly leave the prison. They protested that they had been treated like that even though they were Roman citizens (Acts 16:35-39). They wanted it recorded that Christians had been treated in an illegal way. Luke is careful to record that the proconsul in Corinth Gallio who was from a famous family and was a well-known figure in the Roman empire gave a verdict very favourable to the Christians (Acts 18:12-17). The early Christians did all they could to achieve a legitimate legal standing for Christianity and for evangelistic activity.

In the same way today Christians need to use the court system to appeal for our right to practice Christianity. When something illegal is done against Christians we may need to go to the courts to agitate for our rights or against the actions that have harmed Christians. This is so that people are warned against the repercussions of doing it and will think twice before trying it again. In this way we help the whole church, not just ourselves.

If Christians are being denied a basic human right like access to the village burial place, it may be necessary for Christians not to give in when they are stopped from using the cemetery. They may need to grapple with the authorities until permission is granted. This has happened a few times in Sri Lanka.

Sometimes it may be necessary to apply pressure on the authorities by using the pressure of foreign interest groups and governments. It may be necessary to highlight in the press nationally and internationally the injustices meted out to Christians.

Like the great thinkers in the first few centuries (whom we know as apologists), we must produce great thinkers who will devote their energies to producing material in defence of Christian belief and practice. This is a long-term strategy. We need Christian people who will grow in stature to become respected lawyers, politicians, journalists and economists. They can represent Christ to the nation better than we preachers can. This is a long term strategy, but we must be thinking about this and urging people in this direction.

MINISTERING TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN ATTACKED
There is a third thing that needs to be done at this time: those affected by the attacks need to be comforted. Physical attacks are very hard to endure. They humiliate the person; they produce fear of another attack; and they can produce severe anger over the way the person’s body or property was violated.

Indeed we have seen people like Stephen who have reacted with wonderful faith when attacked. But my experience has been that some time after the attack people go through all sorts of difficult feelings. They become vulnerable to Satan’s attacks at this time. They could get over-discouraged and lose heart. They could become angry and develop vengeful feelings.

Another need for outside help from Christians is that in times of persecution Christians could act rashly and in an unwise way. Sometimes persecution is triggered by unwise behaviour of Christians when they antagonise others by things that were not necessary to do. An example is having loud worship which disturbs neighbours. Another is unwise ways of distributing material aid to the poor and needy which gives opponents the impression that we are using unethical lures to coerce people into becoming Christians.

This, then, is a time when those who have been attacked need the support of the body of Christ. We need to be close to them and help them regain some balance as they go through different emotional moods. When Peter and John were told for the first time that they must not speak in the name of Christ again, the first thing they did was to go “to their own people” (literal translation) or “to their friends” (ESV; Acts 4:23). If they cannot come to us we must go to them. Leaders must ensure that those who have been attacked are personally ministered to.

So my answer is a three pronged one. Firstly we are committed to radical personal non-retaliation. We will not resort to violence to achieve our ends. Instead we will demonstrate the power of the gospel by exemplary lives. Secondly, we are committed to using the existing structures to present a case for the legitimacy of Christianity. Towards this end we develop strategies that will be effective and leaders who will be qualified in presenting the case for Christianity. Thirdly, we care for those who have been attacked.

May we be faithful at this time.

(Originally posted in 2005–I’m out of Internet contact for a few days!)

The Heaviness of Sin & The Hope of Forgiveness

Last night I had to have a serious talk with my husband, Fred. I had known for a long time that I needed to confess some things to him–but I was dreading it and didn’t want to face up to the blackness of my wicked heart. So I avoided the conversation and grew more burdened and depressed with each passing day.

I had a hard time worshipping God. My time in the Word grew shorter and shorter. I felt disconnected from my husband and friends. (Wonder why?!) And I was just basically in the pit. Sad, dark, weary, lonely pit.

Thank God!

“When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.” Psalm 32:3-4

How grateful I am that God loves me so much that He makes me miserable! Otherwise, how would I ever repent?

So, yes, I told Fred. I confessed to him my sins. (Oh! I am still so embarrassed by them.) They had to do with a commitment we had made (we called it “boot camp”) to work on some spiritual and physical disciplines. (I continue to struggle!!) Anyway, “the deal” was that we had both carrots and sticks (rewards and punishments/consequences) if we did or did not honor our commitments. And I had to confess to Fred that I had not kept all of my commitments, and worse, I had not been completely honest with him at the time.

Of course! Of course! The dishonesty was the blow. That’s just not how we related with one another. Honesty and integrity go to the heartbeat of our marriage vows and our friendship. And I had violated his trust.

I felt so hopeless! So worthless! How could I have done this to my best friend? My beloved?

It was a hard, difficult, embarrassing conversation as I confessed my sins. But thankfully, God is gracious to both Fred and me and He gave Fred the grace to readily and lovingly forgive me. Not because I deserved his forgivenss. But, as Fred said, because he had been forgiven so much in Christ, that was why he forgave me too.

Thank God for forgiveness.

I said, “Won’t you not trust me any more?”
“Of course not. Of course I’ll trust you.”

“But I don’t deserve your trust!”
“We all receive lots of things we don’t deserve.”

I cried out, “Don’t you just hate me?”
“No way! Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Why? Why? Why?”
“Because I have forgiven you. It’s done. It’s covered. It’s over. I love you. Let’s move on.”

Thank God for forgiveness. Unearned. Unearnable. Lavish. Grace grace grace.

“Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Selah

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD”—and you forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah

Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you. Many are the woes of the wicked, but the LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!” Psalm 32

(From December 2005)

So what do you do when ...
Let’s pretend that it’s the week before Christmas and you are gingerly stepping out of your comfort zone to try to be hospitable and relational by having people over to your home.

You do your best. You strive to bless. But it’s a little shaky – you try to be relaxed and happy, but you really have no confidence that you CAN love well.

The morning of the “weekend of three parties,” you are falsely and unjustly accused. And you know that the accusation has been broadcasted to others. And no matter how sorry the person may be, your reputation has taken a hit.

THEN you open up your email and find a challenging email. This person was obviously very hurt by you and is very angry at you to this day.

THEN another day comes and you get ANOTHER email from someone who is angry and bitter and chooses to direct a portion of her grief and rage at you.

You try to respond graciously. Lovingly. Gently.

You strive to a) remember the gospel yourself; and b) encourage each of these people to lay hold of the great and precious promises of Christ too.

But then what? What do you do?

Here are some of the things I’ve been tempted to do ...

- Quit. Get out of the biz as it were. No more teaching, writing, conciliating, conflict coaching, serving. Run away. Close the door. Sit very still in a dark room under a warm blanket and try not to do or say anything that will only enflame people to judge, criticize, despise, attack, and hate you more. Give up on love. Give up on life.

- Eat. Yes – it’s true. I continue to struggle with the sin of gluttony. And my habitual, ruling lust of FOOD often tries to rear its ugly head when I am attacked. (But thankfully–a true evidence of grace!–somehow, even the temporal pleasure of cookie dough neither satisfies nor calms my troubled soul.)

- Cry. I’m tempted to cry, but I don’t do it. Not yet anyway. I think I’m still stuck in my survival mode. All of these criticisms tapping into the mother-of-all-criticisms that continues to reside in my Old Man: Tara, you are bad. You are unloving. You are cold and heartless and you don’t know how to have good relationships. You fail as a friend and you fail as a person. You are so cold and unloving and bad that we don’t want you around here! Go away. Get out. You are not welcome here because you will never change. Not really. Because who YOU ARE is fundamental–it’s YOU. And you are unacceptable."

So what do you do? In light of hurts, rejection, accusations, and graceless confrontation ... what do you do? Where do you run?

HOME.

I run home. Home.
To the One Place where I am fully known and fully loved.
All of my darkness–dealt with forever on the Cross of Christ.
All of my beauty–a mere reflection of True Beauty.
Each harsh criticism and cutting word–covered.
Every gentle hug and merciful friend–shadows of my real Home.

Never again misunderstood or misjudged.
Never kicked out or abandoned.
Wanted. Cherished. Loved.

Home.

How I pray that as we go throughout our Christmas week – and every day! – we will remember that Christ left Heaven for us. He left Home to rescue us. Falsely accused. Rejected. Abandoned. Attacked. So that we might never be homeless again.

Thank You, God, for the Incarnation!
Thank You, God, for giving Your children a Home. Forever.
Amen.

(From June 2005)

When to be silent? When to counsel?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I interact with friends and acquaintances. Specifically, when might it be the most God-honoring and loving thing to do to remain silent (supportive, encouraging, loving–but “non-confrontational”), and when it is that I might be called to gently speak Truth (counsel the Word).

Let me give you an example ... I’m having lunch with a friend and it is obvious that she is bitter. I mean really angry, grouchy, judgmental, complaining–mad. As she shares her story, there is no mention of God, other than in disdainful and complaining ways. ("God is sure great to you and everyone else, but look at my horrible life!" “Why should I care what God thinks–look at how He treats me!”) She holds grudges against people who hurt her–even decades ago! And she lives as a miserable, morose, grace-less person.

(So sad!! I care about her so much – it’s hard for me to even write those words.)

Now, over the years, I have tried to build relationship with her. I’ve tried to be an encouraging and loving friend who doesn’t give up on her. (Almost all of her relationships end in conflict. People let her down. She gets angry and frustrated. They pull back. She judges them and blames them entirely for the breakdown of relationship. Bam–end of relationship.) I’ve tried to own up to my failings and be real with her. At times, over the years, I have tried to steer her to Christ, remind her of the lavish love of God, and encourage her to attend church.

("Bunch of hypocrites! Nobody really lives out what they claim to believe. Can’t stand the people."–her view; “Sinners saved by grace! The Body of Christ!” I encourage her. Nope. No interest on her part.)

At times, I have sought to “gently restore” her (third “G" of The Peacemaker’s Pledge) by lovingly helping her to see her heart and her great need for Christ. ”Our hearts are all desperate!" I say. “Not mine,” she replies.

So then I sit and wonder ...

Am I being too confrontational? Do I have a “pedestal & pit” mentality towards her? (David Powlison’s wonderful analogy.) Am I on a pedestal in my heart ("I get grace! She doesn’t!")? Do I put her in a pit? ("She is the most bitter, unforgiving, miserable person I have ever known. And I’ve known a bunch!") Am I failing to love her well?

Or ... am I bound by the fear of Man such that I ought to be bringing her truth and counsel, but really I am just “being nice”? Am I afraid to bear her wrath and rejection? Do I not want to be just another “person who lets her down”? So do I couch my words, remain silent when I ought to speak, and just placate her sin and unbelief?

I just don’t know. I’d love to hear your counsel and thoughts!

This morning I’m initially thinking that if I don’t want to speak truth, perhaps I am called to gently do so in love? And if I am eager to confront her ("What’s wrong with you!!??"), then perhaps I am acting out of my own sin and unbelief?

If my temperament is to be a busy-body and go around telling people all the things they are doing wrong, then perhaps I am called to repent and grow in grace and love? But if I am a people-pleaser who never risks losing any relationship, then perhaps I ought to consider gently counseling the Word and stepping out in faith to bring Truth to bear?

Grace and truth. Truth and grace.

Truth without grace = legalism and condemnation.
Grace without truth = licentiousness and permissiveness.

Dear God, please grant me wisdom from Heaven (James 3!) as I seek to believe Your grace and Truth myself–and gently be an instrument of your grace and Truth in the lives of others. Thank You, God, that You are gracious and loving to me. I am prone to wander! Seal my heart, I pray. I am false and full of sin! You are full of Truth and grace.

“The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’” From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” John 1:14-17

(Originally posted in 2005)

Miserable Christian Marriages

Lately, my pastor and I have been mediating a number of conflicted marriages. It is heartbreaking too work with these couples. They love the Lord, love their children ... and cannot stand one another.

Instead of demonstrating to the world the relationship of Christ and the Church (Ephesians 5), their marital relationship is filled with bitterness, rage, and mutual disgust.

There is so much to say on this topic (I’ve even been thinking about writing a book on Miserable Christian Marriages) – but I only have a few minutes before I have to start getting our family ready for church, so I’ll bottomline the thoughts that were bouncing around in my head this morning when I woke up:

1. Ladies, dear ones, precious friends ... is there anything our husbands could do that would ever really be enough to satisfy us? Really? Could they be 100%, consistently, faithfully, day-and-night, kind, merciful, attentive, romantic, respectful, servant leaders? Would that satisfy us and then we would be loving and forbearing with them? Really?

I doubt it.

I happen to be married to one of the most lovely, loving, gentle, kind, patient, sweet, servant leader husbands I’ve ever met – and I can tell you, for sure, that we have plenty to argue about and be bitter over. There are times when we can’t stand to look at one another. We get incredibly frustrated in some conversations and Man! Can we push each other’s buttons.

One sinner incompatible with another sinner. That’s us. That’s marriage. That’s all relationships and that’s life.

So what will we do with it? Make an idol out of having a loving, perfect husband? And when our demands are not met, will we hold grudges? Keep lists of his offenses and wrongs? Withhold ourselves–physically, emotionally, spiritually? Avoid him entirely? Criticize, blame, attack, accuse?

And what will be the likely result? What will be our testimony to our children and to a watching world? That we are “good” and he is “bad” – deserving of our condemnation and scorn?

God have mercy on us all! Of course our husband is rotten! So are we. We are all desperate for a Savior and the moment we forget that is the moment we falsely give ourselves license to judge and attack–even the very man we pledged our life and our love to on our wedding day.

Friends, if you are struggling to respect and care for and serve your husbands with true grace, mercy, and selfless love ... please get help! Stop complaining to your friends – confess your need to them and ask for their accountability and prayers. Live by faith not by sight! Treat your husband as God treats you–with compassion and kindness. He doesn’t deserve it – of course he doesn’t! Neither do you.

Oh! There is so much more to say, but time is running short (I keep mentally calculating the time it takes us to feed & bathe Sophia and get ready ourselves), so I must move on ...

2. Beloved gentlemen–Christian husbands. You who are called to love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her as an offering and sacrifice to God (Ephesians 5) ...

How do you live with the wife of your youth? Do you pray for her and with her? How often do you affirm (to her and to others) her gifts, beauty, and intellect? When she walks in the room, do you attend to her with kindness and respect? Do you listen to her–really listen to her? When she is working on a favorite project (of hers, not yours), do you enter into her world, come alongside of her, engage with her?

Or do you avoid her–physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Do you disdain her, yell at her, swear at her? Hit her? ("Only a slap–and she deserved it.") Do you spend time with everyone else–friends, coworkers, children–just to avoid spending time with her?

Gentlemen, if you are struggling to love your wives, please get help! If you raise your voice in anger, fail to seek her out with romantic and attentive love, never pray with her and for her ... please get help today! Run to the Church, seek out a biblical counselor (careful! not all “Christian counselors” are biblical), put yourself under the authority of other men for accountability and rebuke. This is serious! This is your ministry.

You may be the most effective Sunday school teacher, extremely profitable and acclaimed in your professional work, and adored by your children ... but your wife is your primary mission field. Don’t run away from this problem! Don’t run away from your wife. Run towards her and get help.

3. For both husbands and wives in miserable Christian marriages ... Run to Christ! You cannot “fix this” – you’re simply not strong enough, wise enough, or faithful enough. Your only hope is Christ. Run to Him! Worship Him! Rest in Him.

If we had only a glimpse, a glimmer of just how rotten we are and how beautiful and holy God is ... if we could understand even one iota of how radical it is that the Perfect, Holy God loves sinners like us ... we would not be so quick to judge, despise, hate, criticize, mock, and reject any other person–especially our spouses.

Friends, God is sovereign over your marriage. He is! Trust Him in it. Your struggles and misery are not a surprise to him. And you are definitely not alone. You are not the only (terribly) unhappily married Christian couple.

See that couple with the arms around each other in church today? You think they have a perfect marriage, right? But I had the privilege of spending two days with them last month in a mediation room because they were headed for divorce (the second divorce for both of them). Fred and I have one of the most intimate and loving marriages of any couple I know – but we regularly seek out the counsel and help of our pastor and our friends.

Don’t buy into the lie that “you’re the only one” who struggles in your marriage. We all do! We’re all in need of the help from the Body. Biblical counseling. Christian conciliation. Ongoing discipleship and accountability. We all need it. Thank God it’s there.

“Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” Romans 12:4

I’m visiting with Fred (yeah-rah for our Bluetooths–Blueteeth??) as I type this from our hotel in Michigan. We just finished picking up prescriptions for Charlie, doing a big grocery shopping trip for Mom & Charlie, making them dinner, cleaning up–and rewarding ourselves with a quick trip to the pool with Miss. Sophia.

The plan tomorrow is for Kali, my mom, and Sophia to go to the zoo and a waterpark in town while I get to clean my mom and Charlie’s apartment. (So everyone gets to have fun!)

So far, the trip has gone well. (THANK YOU for praying and for the notes of encouragement too!) I’ve done really well drinking lots of water, exercising every day (plus cleaning too, which I think counts as exercise because I sure work up a sweat) ... and avoiding LOTS of tempting food situations. A few “treats”–but for me? It’s been miraculous to avoid buying chocolate or snicky-snacking in the car on the long driving trips. (Grace abounds.)

Oh–the title of this post? It’s one of two statements Fred made in this call that made me chuckle/think and I thought you might enjoy:

1. He heard Ravi Zacharias on the radio today say something to the effect of, “Every job has its barn to clean.” And isn’t that just TRUE? No matter how “perfect” we may think a certain job is–in the end, life in a fallen world means that every job does have its barn to clean.

2. Some time this week (maybe at Peacemaker devotions?), someone made the statement that we are to: "Be kind. Because everyone is carrying a heavy burden." How true! How true! We are often tempted to THINK that “HER” life is SO EASY ... but everyone has burdens. Everyone.

Good reminders!

And mostly, I just wanted you to know that I’m here–blessed by your prayers–and I’ll try to blog on the road, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to connect to the Internet (especially from Canada).

(OOOOOOH! And did I mention yet that I FORGOT OUR PASSPORTS!?!?!!!!!! Crazy, huh? The law changed and we can’t get into Canada or return to the USA without 'em ... so Fred had to overnight them to arrive tomorrow. Eek!)

Maybe I’ll dig through my archives and post some “oldies but hopefully goodies” while I’m gone in the interim ...

Hope you’re all doing well!

God bless,
Tara B.

Solo Femininity just posted a beautiful article about mental illness and what is “normal.” I thought it might particularly bless some of you who (like me) struggle with depression and have a family history of people who define themselves by their “mental illnesses.”

(You know ... I think I’m very nervous to head into all of these family dynamics over the course of the next seven days. This article was a sweet reminder and encouragement by a truly gifted and godly woman.)

4:00AM now. I’m going to try to get a couple of hours of sleep.

Love,
Tara B.

Challies.com posted a sweet article on how we can all encourage our favorite bloggers. Hope you enjoy!

Oh–and Sophie and I are going to fly to Chicago in the morning. (It was a crazy night as I did laundry and quickly packed us up for the trip.) Thanks for the encouraging notes–and especially the prayers.

God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

Well, we received some sad news today. Sophie’s Grandpa Charlie (my stepdad) has been quite sick in the hospital this week and just this morning they found a tumor on his kidney.

Charlie is 75 years old and recently recovering from another surgery (related to his heart bypass from a few years ago). As you know, all of these medical challenges can be particularly hard on the elderly–especially when their bodies are already weakened.

Sophie and I were scheduled to fly to the Midwest next week to visit Mom & Charlie and my dad and his wife too. Plus I was going to help Kali and “her Fred” sort through Grandma Marjorie’s belongings and help them organize their home for some repairs/improvements ... but now everything might be put into a bit of a rushed mode and we may need to fly out immediately.

ANYWAY ... if we flit through your hearts today, would you please pray?

- That I would not fall back into old established habit patterns regarding FAMILY interactions. (Does anyone else ever feel like they are TWELVE YEARS OLD again when they have to deal with stressful family stuff?) I’m praying especially that I will not sin regarding FOOD because (of course!) all I want to do right now is eat. But instead, I am trying to pray. (What a concept.)

- That my attitudes and actions would be seasoned with grace and that I would clearly articulate the gospel as God gives opportunity. I am particularly praying that Charlie and my mom would truly lay hold of Christ with saving faith–these end of life/medical crises times are ripe with discussions of such things. (They might be Believers, I don’t really know. Sometimes it’s hard to cut through the AA “higher power” lingo and understand what they really believe.) My mom said that the man sharing his hospital room is a pastor–so I’m praying for that relationship too.

- For wisdom as I try to figure out what we CAN do and what we SHOULD do regarding changing tickets/airfare, etc.

- And that God will be glorified (of course!) and will guard Sophia’s heart if she does experience yet another death this year.

Thanks, all!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Here is the most recent photo of Grandpa Charlie and Sophia ...

OK–we just finished our little morning routine (Bible, reading, violin, games, etc.) and I just have to ask:

Is this the same kid as I had yesterday?

I mean, seriously!

Yesterday was a day FILLED with painful consequences for defiance and disobedience ... and this morning was SUCH a delight that I can hardly express it.

How is this possible?
(I’m mulling. I’m mulling.)

Could it be that, maybe, the “problem” isn’t (only) the KID ... it’s (also) the MOM?
That yesterday I was trying to get SO MUCH DONE in such a short amount of time–that I was putting off a “vibe” that just led my darling right into sin?
(And me too?)

But that today–having accomplished a LOT yesterday (thank You, God!) and having a much more open/relaxed schedule ahead of us ... my “vibe”, my “sense”, my attitude are conducive to encouragement, patience, kindness ... GRACE?

I think so.
I really do.

This is a great reminder for me to SLOW DOWN and not try to get too much done.
(I’ve been doing so much better about not raising my voice to Sophia once I identified that I usually did it when we were RUSHED.)

Just like a dog picks up on the scent of FEAR–
It seems to me that our children might pick up our “scent” as well.
("Momma is angry so I’m angry." “Momma is impatient so I am impatient.” "Oooooh–Momma is happy, maybe I can be happy too?")

Not that OUR sin is an excuse for THEIR sin ... but I am really wondering (as we head out the door) how much I lead my daughter into temptation. (AND how much God’s grace is calling me to repent.)

THANK GOD for forgiveness!
All of this ugliness inside of us HAS BEEN dealt with and IS BEING dealt with and WILL BE ULTIMATELY dealt with one day.

Thank God & praise His name!
(I do. I do.)

Blessed Wednesday to you all!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
I also meant to mention how HARD it was to preach the gospel to Sophia yesterday as her horrible behavior continued and continued. I was SO PRONE TO THE LAW!! It was an act of FAITH to say, “Jesus died for this sin. You can be forgiven. God is calling you to repent and He gives you grace to repent.” When REALLY what I wanted to say was, “STOP DOING THAT!” and “You’re driving me CRAZY!!” and “AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Oh—but God always gives us a way out, right? (He does. He really does.)

Remember the gospel! The indicative. Who God is and what He has ALREADY done for us in Christ.
And worship Him today.

Amen?
(Amen!)

Last Sunday, our church was blessed to receive a message from Dr. David A. Baer of Overseas Council International (sorry I couldn’t find a link for you!). He preached on Isaiah 2 and encouraged us all that as we believe God’s Word, we simply cannot be pessimistic. Because, although at times we will grieve in this life–ultimately, one day, God will have His way.

I took two pages of notes on his sermon and I won’t type them all in for you now, but here are just a few nuggets that I keep mulling on and praying over as I go through my (busy!) week:

- The gospel makes a REAL difference in the world. Real peace ensues and flows as conflict is vanquished by persistent, stubborn love.

- We don’t have the luxury of individualistic piety as we walk with Christ in His love that is all-conquering and all-gathering. Corporate worship flows out of life together.

- History ends in GLORY. The vision of visions–judgment and glory. This IS where things go.

I tell you–based on the challenging day this momma has had, I am encouraged to remember Truth.

Thank God for the Cross!
Thank God for redemption.
Forgiveness of sins.
Hope.

Love to you all and Happy Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Just a quick note to let you all know that I am TRYING to stay on top of (and DELETE!) all of the icky SPAM comments that keep sneaking onto this blog.

(I hate SPAM!!!)

Today I was up before 5:00 and thought, “Cool! I’ll be so on time/early today!” But instead, I just spent 45 minutes trying to delete and block all of the SPAMMERS.

(!!)

Anyway–please know that I am aware of the problem and trying to eradicate it.

Hope your week is off to a better start than all this. Blech.

Happy Monday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Dancing ...





Swimming ...



Reading ...



Fourth of July with (Spiritual) “Grandpa & Grandma” Mizell ...



Oh! The riches of a simple life.
I am praying for a quiet heart.
Asking God to help me to do the task before me this day. With joy. With gratitude.

And asking Him to bless you with an assurance of His saving grace!

Yours,
Tara B.

Whenever I stumble onto a blog that I like, I add it to my “Favorites” and also take a few minutes to check out the blogs that THEY like. If I find something that holds my attention, I add IT to my Favorites too ... and then I just check in on them periodically.

Then, every few (weeks? months?) I glance at my growing list and ask, “Now who am I REALLY reading on a regular basis?” If the answer is, “Not THAT blog,” delete-o-rama.

(RARE is the blog that I read every day.)

I assume that you all do that too ...
And to all of you who haven’t (yet) deleted ME, I say a hearty THANKS.

But, boy ... it sure feels nice to organize my list and get it down to what is really usable/helpful.

Love to all!
– Tara B.

I’ve been enjoying Bryan Chapell’s Holiness by Grace–Delighting in the Joy that is Our Strength and I thought that a little excerpt might encourage you to:

"Christians gain spiritual power from the certainty of God’s support. Self-preserving, human efforts may result from fear of a God who will get you if you get out of line, but such works mistake outer conformity to God’s standards with holiness from the heart.

“Spiritual worship” (Romans 12:1)–the selfless actions and inner desire to honor God–cannot result from threats. Proper fear of God in his people is not a concern for his wrath but a reverence for his holiness. We must reverentially fear his nature, but should not doubt his nurture. He will not harm those who are covered in the righteousness of his own Son and who, thus, are divinely loved as dearly as He."

So much more I could share!
(I encourage you to read this gospel-proclaiming book.)

Once again, Dr. Chapell’s ministry reminds us all that we do what we do because of God’s mercy.

Amen & Amen!

And Happy Saturday to you all,
Tara B.

I realized that I hadn’t posted any photos from our super-fun visit with Fred’s family last month, so here are just a few ...

Adventures with my Mother-in-Law, Chris







Sophie’s “GG” (Great-Grandma)



And Fun-Times with PBNJ–Fred’s brother Paul, his wife Janet, and our nieces Emily & Elizabeth and our nephew Samuel

Sophie and I enjoyed a wonderful day of fellowship and we went home with a yummy loaf of bread yesterday ... all thanks to our new friend, Linda.

Seriously! We started with a big tub of organic whole wheat berries
Made flour
Touched the yeast and everything ...

(And boy did she make it look EASY!)
(AND she “made me” try/do it too. But she was so gentle and encouraging–I really didn’t mind.)

Amazingly ... we ended up with this:



Ready to rise and bake and enjoy!

And if that weren’t enough ... we also had a delicious lentil casserole (tackling my “bean fears” and making my first casserole!) to take home with us too.

It was a great day.
Not so much because of the nutritious, good stewardship, tasty food ...
But because of the time spent in her home.

My faith was strengthened!
I laughed and marveled and cried as I learned more about God’s ministry through and to her family over the years.
I delighted in her intelligence and humility, her skills and her servant heart, her gentleness and her marvelous faith in the marvelous Savior.

It was, by far, one of the best days I’ve ever spent in Billings.

Thank You, God, for the Henderson family.
Thank you, God, for ministering to our family through them.

(And thank you, Linda, for inviting me into your home and making me feel so welcome and wanted ...
And then helping me. I really could use some help! And I think you are an answer to prayer.)

Thanks, everyone, for asking for an update in your comments! Sorry it took me a day to post the pic.

Love to all!

Yours,
Tara B.

This morning as we were praying, Sophia accidentally started her prayer by saying, “Daddy ...”

She giggled and said, “Oops!” But then she said:

"Well, it’s OK. Right, Mom? Because He is our Father."

Can’t argue with that, can I?
(What a great way to start the day.)

Hope your Thursday is off to a good start! We’re leaving in a few minutes (aprons in hand!) to make our very first casserole. Too cool.

Remember:

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’" Romans 8:15

Last night as we were cuddled-up as a family after reading time, Sophie proclaimed that she knows “all about” celebrating the 4th of July. Here is her description:

"There are firetrucks in the sky.

They look like palm trees–but they don’t have the sticks. And they come in lots of colors.

They make sounds like, “Boom boom boom,” and some go “Fwsssssshh.”

I thought, “Not bad, kid. Not bad.”

So happy firetrucks and palm trees with no sticks, my friends!

Of course, actually ... Happy and blessed Independence Day! May we all remember the great cost that our founding fathers and families paid to establish our beloved country.

Independence Day: In the United States, a holiday, the 4th of July, commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on that day in 1776. (The Declaration of Independence: the declaration of the Congress of the Thirteen United States of America, on the 4th of July, 1776, by which they formally declared that these colonies were free and independent States, not subject to the government of Great Britain.)

If ever there were a day to go off of my “diet” ... today was the day.

(OK, OK, it’s not really a “diet” per se ... but a “lifestyle change” to help me reach my “health goals.” Got it. Whatever. I sure did NOT feel like trying this morning.)

- I was up before 6:00AM like usual and would’ve just headed out with Lili for our walk ... BUT ... after my Bible reading (another commitment I’ve made ... no email until I’ve spent time in the Word!), I checked email because I am very concerned about a friend. She had emailed and I wanted to write back–and by the time I was done, I heard the pitter-pat of little feet upstairs.

- So then my choice was: exercise by walking the dog and going to the gym OR climb back into my crisp white sheets with my best friend and my darling cuddle-bug. Yeah, really tough to pick which one I did. Cuddle time city!

- But after some giggling and reading and just hanging out, the conversation with Fred got a little hard and painful for me as we talked about a certain relationship in my life that is just consistently unpleasant. Uh-Oh! Emotional downturn. Feeling sad and rejected, judged and disdained ... mostly just IGNORED and FORGOTTEN. So how did I respond?

- OF COURSE! I said, “Forget this! Who wants to eat healthy today and go work out?! Let’s go to PERKINS and EAT PANCAKES!!!!!!” (And I was thinking, “And then I’ll come home and drown my sorrows in junk food and laziness as I run away and hide all day long.”)

But here comes the MIRACLE: I didn’t.

I didn’t go to Perkins.
And I DID go and walk the dog.

I even went to the gym–and GET THIS! ... As I was trying to maneuver out of my car (with my towel, water bottle, dvd player, headphones, etc.), I grabbed an old half-drunk protein fake-chocolate (ick!) shake that I was going to throw away ... and I DUMPED IT all over myself!!!!! Sticky, embarrassing ICK!

(I mean SERIOUSLY ... don’t you think I could’ve bailed THEN? But no. I have no pride. I wiped up what I could and then went INTO MY GYM and did my hour even with a big splotch on my t-shirt and a strange proteinated fake-chocolate smell on my dvd player and towel. Ugh.)

ANYWAY ... I wanted to give God the praise for this amazing turn of events.

I also wanted to share with you some of the thoughts that helped me to repent (especially to try to encourage all of you who have so graciously emailed me and shared of your own continuing struggle with overeating/sloth):

1. I remember I had a FLASH of a teaching I say a lot (when I’m speaking on idolatry / biblical change). I thought to myself: Faith is doing what doesn’t seem natural. The most natural thing in the WORLD for me to do when I felt hated and rejected was to HIDE and EAT. That would come easily because I have a lot of practice at it. But it would take FAITH ... it would demand a POWERFUL WORK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT to respond in a different (healthy, God-honoring, less-selfish/self-centered) way. And I prayed, “Please, God. Please help me.”

2. For the first time in a LONG time, I remember that I thought to myself (in that MOMENT–in the heat of the battle!): "Sure, Tara, you can go ahead and overeat. And for a few MOMENTS, you will have the temporary sense of mood alteration that comes when we overindulge. But the FOUNDATIONAL PROBLEM (of that broken relationship) will still be there AND YOU’LL BE FAT (and probably continue to get fatter). And I thought to myself, “Good point. Nothing good to be gained here.”

3. I remembered what my friend Amy taught me once about the DAY AFTER we enjoy a treat meal. She said that if she goes to a party and enjoys a rich meal or if it’s a holiday and there are a lot of sweet treats, she doesn’t struggle that much during the actual day. She just enjoys the treats. But it’s the NEXT day that is her battlefield because her body says, “More! More! More!” And she has to strive hard to be diligent and disciplined on that SECOND day. And since Fred and I had enjoyed our “one treat meal a week” meal last night (Pizza! Yum! Worth every calorie. ) ... I thought, “Tara, your body is saying, ‘More! More! More!’ Don’t give in. Beat it back into submission. Walk that dog and get to the gym and eat something healthy.”

And miracle of miracles–I did.

So here I sit at 5:30 having enjoyed a good day.
Not a perfect day–but a good day.

I tried to be mindful of Who God is and Who I am in Christ.
I tried to relax and be in the moment with Sophia–to treasure this fleeting season of having such a fun and interesting and sweet little preschooler.
And I tried to not slip into that RUT of thinking and behavior that tempts me to despair.

God always gives us a way out, right?!
Therefore–we flee temptation.

Hope this encourages someone along life’s journey!

Remember–you are not alone.
And even in your temptation and sin–you are not unique.
We’re all right there with you.
And God gives us more grace.

God bless you!
– Tara B.

I enjoyed a wonderfully warm and genuinely encouraging conversation with a woman after church today. (This woman demonstrates, I think, some of the most Christlike qualities that a person can have.)

And guess what? As we were talking about how I’d like to do a better job helping Sophia to develop some domestic skills (but how this is hard because, well, you know ... the thought of TOUCHING YEAST or actually MAKING SOUP gives me a minor anxiety attack) ...

She was not snide, condemning, or critical. ("You’re 37 years old and you can’t make SOUP?!")

She didn’t act shocked or haughty. ("What kind of Christian wife ARE you?!")

She just said, “You know, Tara, I’d love to help you and Sophia if you’d ever be interested. It would be great fun to do those things together.”

Such grace. Such grace.

So guess what?
Could it be?
For real?

Thursday Sophia and I are packing up our matching aprons and heading over to her house for ... well ... I don’t know what we’re going to try, but this I know: Whatever happens–whether something edible comes out of it or not–I will have taken one tiny step toward tackling a fear and growing a skill that I would like to help Sophie with too.

AND ... although I may be a tad nervous, I am not afraid.
Because this woman has already shown me so much gracious acceptance AND a willingness to help me to grow that, well, I guess I just feel safe.

I’m not afraid that I’ll be mocked or belittled, judged or rejected.
Just helped. Encouraged. Loved.

I hope we can be a blessing to her too!

Can you imagine?
Could 2007 really be the year I make bread?
We’ll see ...

Love to all and g'nite!
– Tara B.