considerable grace

Thanks to our friend Deb. W for the gift of “Voyage of the Dawn Treader” for Sophia!



And we’re having fun digging out of snow ...



How is your weather??

IX Marks recently posted a quote worth thinking about from missiologist George W. Peters:

"An unfortunate and abnormal historic development has produced autonomous, missionless churches on the one hand and autonomous churchless missionary societies on the other hand."

Too true, don’t you think?

Carolyn McCulley has a great post over at RadicalWomanhood and I encourage you to check it out:

Advice for the Set-Up

In it, she responds to a single woman who wrote this:

"Mandy said that her cousin invited her to dinner to meet Randy. This is where my question comes in...what do you think about being set up to meet a person of the opposite sex?

I am 23 and single, and have encountered a few instances where people have wanted to set me up with a guy. I tend to back away from these opportunities because I do not feel like I should play any part in trying to find “the one.” Rather, I desire to trust in the sovereignty of God and want to allow Him to work His will in my life."

Interesting question, don’t you think?

Especially for those of us who DO pray for our single friends and, as we believe is appropriate and wise and loving, DO introduce them one to another.

I really appreciate Carolyn’s thoughtful response and would love to know what you think too.

Hope you have a blessed Friday! We’re snowed in here–but hopefully we’ll be able to make it out and about this afternoon for group violin lessons.

Blessings!
– Tara B.

PS
Especially lately, I’ve had (silly, I know!) thoughts about doing a blog post on some of the wonderful singles in my life–with the hope that I might help them to connect with, well, wonderful spouses. But I don’t think that’s what Carolyn is talking about.

Tim Challies just posted a link to some screamin' deals on great books that recently went on sale over at ebay from a pastor who is selling his library.

And cutie-bear Fred Barthel just put up the 2009 Peacemaker Conference website.

I encourage you to check them out!

Yes, yes, I’m getting RIGHT back to work ... any second now!

But first I thought I’d click over to CakeWrecks to see if today’s entry was a good one. IT WAS.

When Common Sense Isn’t

If there wasn’t absolute PROOF that these cakes are REAL, who could believe it?

Amazing.

Soph’s happily playing over at a playdate and I’m here working hard on my speaker notes for my three conferences next month. (Yes, yes, a generous friend did quickly and happily offer to help me. See what a whiner–for no legitimate reason–I really am? Thank God for His grace!!)

In my “organizing” stage of prep, I came across a section of notes from a women’s retreat I did years ago and thought it might be interesting to you. I think that some of these words MAY be directly cribbed from Lane & Tripps, "How People Change" and/or Plantinga’s “Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin”–the two best books I read in 2005.

Anyway, here is the section from my outline from that 2005 event ...

Are you kind of blasé to the gospel? Do you say—“Yeah, yeah … Christ is the Son of God, died on the cross for my sins. Whatever.”

If so, be careful!

The Christian life—in all its joy!—is to be one where we are daily, moment-by-moment overwhelmed by the gospel; overwhelmed by grace. And such a blasé attitude toward the things of God is a serious warning that things are not the way they are supposed to be.

Quoting Jill Carratini in a recent RZIM Slice of Infinity: “Someone once told me that the opposite of Christlikeness is not sinfulness like we might expect but apathy. The idea that follows is that even the worst sinner who cries out to God is actually closer to the heart of Christ than the one who stands apathetically.

The woman caught in adultery and clinging to the feet of Christ was far closer to the breath of God than the religious men with rocks beside her. The Samaritan woman at the well who was willing to hear the hard truth Jesus offered about her life was closer to the Spirit of God and the truth of Christ than many within his own race. In vast distinction, the apathetic stance of Pontius Pilate led him to ask flippantly, “What is truth?” as he was staring truth incarnate in the eyes.”

Mmmmmmmm. I am so often so blase to grace of God!

Praying for a heart that beats for God alone–

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Thanks again to everyone who has written and said that they are praying for me! What a gift you all give me. Thanks again! Love–tkb

We’ve had a lovely day and hope you have too ...

Ours started with a prenatal appointment and the happiness of a teeny-tiny-little-18-week-heart beating away at 160 bpm. What a grace that sound is!

Then Sophie and I baked Fred’s mom’s famous blonde brownies (yum!) for our Bible study. I think my favorite part is wearing our matching aprons.

Our afternoon ended with a nice time at women’s Bible study and a quick trip over to the Peacemaker offices to distribute the left over brownies and now I’m about to have a little rest before Fred gets home.

Before I do, however, I thought I’d share with you a little peek into how sappy my heart can be at times ...

Years (I mean, YEARS!) ago – I could actually say DECADES ago – when I was still a teenager, I found an old book of poetry in a used bookstore. The title of the book is, “Poems that Touch the Heart” and it is now completely filled with post it notes from where I’ve tagged my favorites.

Many of them are quite sentimental and I have to admit that I only go back to them at certain times. But when I do, I am usually blessed–especially because (like many books) I associate them with different seasons and challenges in my life. Even with some of the squishy theology, I know that God did minister His grace to me through them at various times over the years.

So ... I’ll close this post with a poem by Grace Noll Crowell entitled, “I Think That God is Proud”:

I think that God is proud of those who bear
A sorrow bravely–proud indeed of them
Who walk straight through the dark to find Him there,
And kneel in faith to touch His garment’s hem.
Oh, proud of them who lift their heads to shake
Away the tears from eyes that have grown dim,
Who tighten quivering lips and turn to take
The only road they know that leads to Him.

How proud He must be of them–He who knows
All sorrow, and how hard grief is to bear!
I think He sees them coming, and He goes
With outstretched arms and hands to meet them there,
And with a look, a touch on hand or head,
Each finds his hurt heart strangely comforted.

Praying that you are “strangely comforted” this day by the One Who knows your pain and sorrow–and so much more!–and loves you with an everlasting love.

Your friend,
Tara B.

Oh my stars! I was feeling so self-conscious about my previous post (Was I too whiny? How can I complain when I have such a blessed life? Maybe I should just take it down ...).

But then you all started sending such sweet, “I can relate! And I’m clinging to Christ too!” and “Don’t be too hard on yourself!” emails that I thought MAYBE I might just leave it up.

And THEN? Dear Anita send me a GREAT HARVEST gift bag filled with LITERALLY our FAVORITE things:



The whole wheat bread we used to eat before we moved to thrift store, week-old, 75 cent loafs; raspberry jam–truly our family’s FAVORITE!–granola (we eat granola every day!), AND one of those super-cool, feels so domestic-diva, thick spready knifey bread thingies?

Well, I KNEW I was a blessed woman even as I wrote of my struggles, but now, after time at co-op with such gracious local friends AND such love from my “long-distance/email/blog” friends? Well, I’m actually FEELING it too.

So thanks, all!

And truly, THANK YOU, Anita for the tangible, yummy, healthy representation of love. I’m SO grateful!! (And if you send me your snail mail address, I’ll send you a REAL thank you too.)

Time to do some dusting and wipe things down for small group tonight ...

Sending you my love,
Tara B.

I’ve been very lonely lately. Extremely lonely. Wondering if anyone in the whole world would even notice if I were gone lonely.

As I look back on the seasons when I am prone to feel this way, I see a relatively clear pattern:

1. I am trying to get something done that requires effort beyond my normal wifely and motherly duties and I need help. Writing a book, doing a video series, preparing a new teaching, helping my elders with a mediation ... whatever it is, I need a) encouragement and prayer; b) uninterrupted time to think, prep, pray, reflect; and c) help with my beloved Sophia so that she has somewhere safe and loved to be while I work on these little temporary projects.

2. My efforts to run errands for friends, help take care of young children for friends, write a note, make a call don’t change (and usually I just loved that part of my life!), but it’s at times like these that I feel the weight of the non-reciprocity in my life. Usually that’s OK! I don’t help and serve to be helped and served ... no way! But sometimes, I just LONG for a friend. A spiritual mother or grandmother. Someone who actually cares about our family and WANTS to help.

3. Taking a chance, I DO reach out to someone for help. Maybe it’s just a baby step. A small request. But I DO try–to see if maybe I COULD receive help from someone. And I am rejected–sometimes with an awkward conversation in which I feel so judged and criticized because I’m so OBVIOUSLY not measuring up to the person’s standard in any way that I take care of my domestic duties. Ouch!

4. It’s all just too hard, so I retreat into my little world (where Fred helps and helps and I don’t sleep much and I just try to push through and get 'er done). But, of course, I feel very lonely. And tired.

Not very fun, eh?

BUT ... there is always grace for the day. TRULY.

And even in the midst of my exhaustion and stress (which only adds to these feelings of rejection and being “all alone”), even I can see that there are many examples where I am NOT alone. A friend who says happily and without guilt, “Bring Sophie on over! We’d love to have a morning with her.” A friend who has many, many burdens to bear on her own (so I’M reticent to take her at her word) who says, “I’d like to be a help to YOU too, Tara.”

And most of all ... God is real and He loves me and He really does give me everything I need. Everything. (Our new women’s Bible study, Continue to Live in Him: Ten Studies in Colossians and Philemon by Kathleen Nielson, is helping me to remember the sweetness of this truth!)

Oh, and of course these “trying” times also give Fred and me pause to continue to pray and seek godly counsel as to whether we should even be TRYING to have me do ANYTHING beyond my normal homemaking duties. (Because we are very aware that maybe we shouldn’t.)

In past years, I could just PAY someone to help me. But with the mandatory paycuts at Fred’s work and the “hardly any paid events because of the baby” year ahead of us, we simply don’t have that ability. (Plus, of course, paying someone for childcare or cleaning help is very different from a friend voluntarily saying, “Oh! You were away serving at something related to our church for no pay and at your own expense? Here, let me sneak into your home and vacuum and dust and give you a clean sheet day to come home to.” That kind of thing just makes you feel LOVED, doesn’t it? That’s the kind of thing that I like to do ...)

But now I’m just rambling. And probably WHINING–which isn’t good. I don’t want to be a whiner! I want to be a joyful, GRATEFUL girl.

So I’ll close with a quote from today’s RZIM Slice of Infinity wherein Margaret Manning quotes Bonhoeffer:

"Christ’s vicarious deeds and particularly his death on our behalf, become in turn the principle and model of the self-sacrifice that makes community possible... [T]he church is the church only when it exists for others."

This is my prayer–that I will not fixate on MYSELF and how people have treated me and how I feel in response. But I will do what I can to encourage a gospel-breathed community where we ALL go around so focused on “existing for others” that we don’t have time to sit around and feel lonely.

(Well, we’ll feel lonely at times of course. But we won’t wallow in it or give in to despair, criticism, and judgment. We won’t respond based on how we FEEL but we will be like Jesus Who was abandoned by His closest friends at His most vulnerable time; betrayed by one of His closest friends ... and gave Himself willingly for them all.)

Hope you have a blessed Tuesday!! I’m off to pack some lunches now–

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Soph TOTALLY cracked me up yesterday when Fred and I were cuddling with her in bed and, all snuggled into me, she said, "Mom, you’re all SQUISHY. Like playdoh or clay. Dad’s hard. I’m hard. But you’re SQUISHY." You know what? She said it with so much love and so much innocence, that my “buns of playdoh” weren’t insulted at all.

Good ol' CakeWrecks has made me laugh again:



Hysterical!

Oh, and no, phonics hasn’t really failed us. Soph’s a great reader.

We’re in Chapter 17 of Book 1 in our Blogging the (John Calvin) Institutes journey this week–and I have already been tremendously blessed.

I appreciate the many detailed explanations and biblical examples of how all things are divinely ordained by God; the providence of God is to be considered with reference to both the past and the future; God takes care of the whole human race, but is especially vigilant in governing the church, etc.

I must admit that “my carnal sense murmured” when he discussed when “calamity takes precedence even of birth”–but we must “use modesty, not as it were compelling God to render an account, but so revering his hidden judgments as to account his will the best of all reasons.”

(We still miss the child we lost in 2007 so very much. And I honestly still can’t go a day without wondering if the child I am currently carrying is even alive, or has any chance of “really” joining us this July.)

Still ... section eight of this same chapter was so honest about the true evil of some “secondary causes” and so rich with gospel truth that even I slept quite soundly last night:

- All men are under God’s power; this knowledge is necessarily followed by gratitude in prosperity, patience in adversity, and incredibly security for the time to come

- If any thing adverse befalls him, he will forthwith raise his mind to God, whose hand is most effectual in impressing us with patience and placid moderation of mind. Had Joseph kept his thoughts fixed on the treachery of his brethren, he never could have resumed fraternal affection for them. But turning toward the Lord, he forgot the injury, and was so inclined to mildness and mercy.

- If there is no more effectual remedy for anger and impatience, he assuredly has not made little progress who has learned so to meditate on divine providence, as to be able always to bring his mind to this, The Lord willed it, it must therefore be borne; not only because it is unlawful to strive with him, but because he wills nothing that is not just and befitting.

- Let us remember to ascend to God.

Praying that we are all remembering to ascend to God!

And sending you my love–

Yours,
Tara B.

TakeYourVitaminZ linked over to the trailer for a movie about forgiveness that, well, I’m a little scared to see (to face such horror and suffering!) but also very interested to see (because of its honesty and call for mercy and forgiveness):

As We Forgive

I can’t believe I’m doing two of these silly blog memes in one week! I hope this doesn’t start a pattern–I would annoy myself and lose 85% of my 1,300 readers I am sure ...

But, yes, the “Google your name + needs” thing that keeps popping up everywhere intrigued me enough on a snowy day to at least try it. And given the (scary!) hilarity of my top hits? Well. I thought I’d better share it with you too.

Here is what “Tara + needs” according to Google:

- Tara needs to be in one place long enough to establish a trusting relationship with a good, interested, capable therapist.

- Tara needs a new nose.

- Tara needs to accept that no one is self sufficient all the time.

- Tara needs a fashion coach.

- Tara needs help.

So there you have it, folks. The lot truly is cast into the Google lap, but the Lord Our God knows it all.

Because I’m SURE I actually do need all of those things. Well, except the nose one. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever even once thought about my nose.

We’re settling in here for a snowy day at home–

Hope you are safe and well!

Yours,
Tara B.

Sweet Sophie had to have two baby teeth pulled today. They were perfectly healthy (thank God!) but two adult teeth were coming in BEHIND them, so out they went.

She was such a brave little trooper:



And WOW! She’s such a cutie pie with her little toothless smile:



But don’t you think she looks way older than JUST FIVE? What a little muffin.

Hope you have a blessed Friday!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
The Tooth Fairy came to our home in the night!



Apparently, her wings were orange and purple, because she colored the water when she tipped in to get the teeth:



(Soph thought it was SO fun and was SO excited–but then, of course, being the realist that she is said something to the effect of, “I know it’s just a fun fiction, Mom, and it was really YOU that put food coloring drops in the water.” I said, “Really? You don’t want to play along with the fiction even for just a few minutes?” Nope. She’s a funny kid.)

Awhile back, I received an email from a woman who was seeking my advice about some concerns she and her husband had regarding their new pastor. I won’t go into any more details (in order to guard their confidentiality), but I think even with just that cursory picture in your mind, some of you might want to read my response to her:

"Dear Tammy [NOT her real name of course],

I am so very sorry to learn of this painful situation in your church! I have prayed for you and I hope that this email provides you with some ideas for consideration–but of course, I don’t know ‘for sure’ what would be the most wise and loving response in your exact situation.

To begin, it seems to me that the Lord is working on your heart in this situation and I would encourage you to seek counsel and help with that area first of all. For example, to what extent (if any) might you have a deep, graceless, lack of love toward this “young pastor” (and other church leaders who do not meet with your approval).

As I’m sure you know, it is very hard to help someone when we can’t stand them. They pick up on our lack of love and pretty much anything we try to do or say communicates the gracelessness that we feel (even if it’s only nonverbally).

So ... how might God be leading you to repent of any harshness, judgmental attitudes, lack of love, lack of care, and lack of grace?

Secondly, I think it is so wonderful that you are aware of your constitution and you care about it. I love reading bylaws and constitutions too! So that really resonated with me and made me smile.

However ... I’m sure you are aware that most people just aren’t that into “details.” They don’t curl up with the Book of Church Order as a good read and even if they do, many people (even people in authority over us) just don’t have the temperament/brain power/intellect and experience/maturity to begin to understand, follow, implement, and enforce it.

Therefore, I would encourage you to, again, begin with any potential logs in your own eye. Could it possibly be that you are maybe a tiny bit proud re: your understanding of “what’s RIGHT” and “their” ignorance/lack of intellect/lack of rigor when it comes to important issues like these?

I bring this up because, again, it is very, very hard to gently and graciously help ANYONE–more or less a LEADER–when we think we are better than them / when we are judging them as incompetent when compared to us / when, rather than trying to come alongside of them and HELP THEM, we really just want to STOP THEM or FIX THEM, etc.

But that leads me to my third point–dear Tammy, I know I don’t know you well, but it seems to me that God has gifted you and your husband in many ways. And this is obviously a painful burden to you. So, NO, I don’t think you should just “let God take care of the problem.” I could very easily see God using YOU to help with “the problem”–BUT, and this is the key, if you think of “them” as being “out there” and “them” as being “THE PROBLEM,” then you are missing out on so much ...

- the covenantal nature of Christian relationships
- your own depravity and blindness and sin
- true ecclesiology and what the church IS and what church authority MEANS and what ordination means
- how to use your gifts with grace and humility

etc. etc.

Plus? If “THEY” are the problem, you’re never going to love them.

Please remember that either they are unbelievers who need Jesus; or they are Christians who have some (apparently significant) areas of blindness, immaturity, and sin in them. Either way, how is God calling you to HELP in the situation and be a sweet, gracious, wise, discerning, edifying, fragrant aroma of the gospel? This may mean speaking up. It may mean being silent. Probably, it’ll be a combination of the two. But a combination of the two WITH LOVE, WITH GRACE, mindful of how desperate you are for God’s grace too.

I hope these brief thoughts are helpful to you even a tiny bit. Please take them with a big grain of salt and throw out the chaff!

OK–must run now. Sending you my love from Montana!

Yours,
Tara B."

Last night as we were reading about Jesus calming the storm and Peter walking out to him on the water, I asked Sophie how Jesus responded to Peter’s fears and doubt.

"Did Jesus scold Peter and sneer at him for his lack of faith?"

"No," Sophie said, “He reached out his hand to Peter.”

What a picture of grace, eh?

Totally reminded me of Monday’s RZIM Slice of Infinity by Jill Carratini:

Insult to Injury

It’s such a wonderful essay. I hope that you will check it out.

Here is one tiny snippet to tempt you to click on through (and hopefully encourage you too):

"When we come to Christ asking for help, we are offered a person, not a list that adds insult to injury. To the wounded, he simply offers his own wounds. While Jesus indeed offered instruction that would load down the strongest among us, God was lifting him onto to the Cross to help us bear the burden. In his presence the stinging may at first seem worse, but the wound, he assures us, will heal."

The wound will heal, my friends. It will, one day, heal.

Sending my love and prayers (I really do pray for you!)–

Yours,
Tara B.

Some days I really miss television. (Yes, yes, I would watch a LOT of t.v., I am sure, if I actually had access to it. I really am a very lazy person at heart.)

Take, for instance, a lot of David Letterman. Not all–sometimes I find him annoying/offensive–but a lot of his wit just cracks me up. Take his interview of the crew from flight 1549 for example:



Totally cracked me up when (during another sleepless night) I could use a laugh. Hope you enjoy.

(Oh! But please DON’T read the comments. I just glanced at ONE and cringed at all of the profanity. Ergh! I hate it. And of course there is a lot of wickdness on YouTue–so please only click through with caution. This video was just FUNNY, but lots of stuff on YouTube is simply awful.)

Trying to get back to sleep now–

Yours,
Tara B.

If you are looking for an amazingly wonderful book to read out loud to your children, I heartily recommend James Herriot’s Treasury for Children.

I have never read any of his “grown-up” books, and I have to admit I wasn’t all that excited to try out this kid’s version–I think I assumed it would be too sappy and sentimental/uninteresting.

But Fred’s dad was a beloved large animal vet in the rural farm country of northern Illinois, and I thought it might give us some nice conversations about Grandpa Calvin (whom Sophie and I will meet for the first time in Heaven because he passed before I met Fred).

I’m so glad I got this book for us to read! I LOVE IT. It is so well written, interesting, and endearing in a non-annoying sort of way. Plus, the illustrations are gorgeous–we love to investigate each one because they are so detailed and textured that they truly are art.

Even at the end of a tired, sad day (when bad news just kept rolling in on top of me and things kept getting worse and worse), cuddling with Sophia as we took turns reading this book out loud absolutely warmed my heart.

What a grace a good book is! I am grateful to God.

Oh, and I’m grateful even more so for Sophie’s little prayer tonight. We always start by praying back God’s attributes–especially something from what we’ve just read in the Bible. Tonight we read about Jesus walking on water and calming the sea and Sophie’s prayer went something like this:

"Thank You, God, for Your greatness! And thank You for all of your miracles! Thank You for healing the sick and calming the waves and the storm. And for forgiving our sins!"

To which I can only end my day with a hearty, “Amen!”

(As I try to remind my subconscious mind that if even the wind and water obey Him–what have I to fear?)

G'nite and God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

This morning, my friend Andrew (you know him as “Andrew from Boston” as a frequent commenter on this blog) sent me an encouraging note (he’s been encouraging me for ten years now!) and a link to a video that I was glad to have watched:

The Internet Slambook

In it, the speaker talks about a cruel ritual that girls in her junior high used to do (they created “slambooks” and wrote awful things about other girls in it)–and then she shares some good thoughts about how we are all prone to remember and fixate on harsh criticism we receive (even from relative strangers!) rather than the honest feedback of true friends.

It’s worth the three minutes if you care to click through.

(Thanks, Andrew, for sending it along!)

I am continuing in my VERY down, VERY low-energy days. It was pretty much impossible to get out of bed this morning–so I was glad to have some duties that required it. Otherwise, I think I’d still be there right now.

Nothing bad is happening. I’m not sad about any particular thing. I’m just sad–which, if you’ve been reading this blog for very long, you know I struggle with. I definitely have that “prone to melancholy” tendency. Some days it is very hard to persevere.

And yet, life goes on.

And we are so blessed in so many ways ...

- Soph continues to be attack-free! It’s such a grace. No screaming and doubling over and projectile vomiting since December now. Wow! We still have her new medicine “at the ready” at all times, but so far it has been completely unnecessary.

- One of her two abnormal test results at The Children’s Hospital last month was a slightly elevated IGE level (which is something in the blood related to allergens), so yesterday we spent five hours in allergy testing. Four sets of scratch tests, multiple breathing tests (pre- and post-breathing treatment) and NOTHING. This kid is allergic to NOTHING. Isn’t that wonderful? They still have no idea why her IGE level was up, but they don’t think it’s anything to be too concerned about.

- We got to spend a lovely little playdate with new friends this morning. The 18 month old was a ROCK around spazzy loving Golden Retriever Lilikoi–she’d just turn away if Lili got too excited. It was GREAT. She was quite the little toddler dog whisperer and Lili just took her cue and calmed down. I loved it. Plus, the mom was sweet and brought sweet cookies too! So even in my incredibly low-energy place, I was blessed with nice conversation, the cutest little child, and nummy cookies too.

All in all, nothing to complain about. (Which is one reason why I’m always tempted to feel so guilty for having this vague, general, sad sense.) But I AM learning to give myself grace and say, “Oh. A sad day. Too bad. But what are ya' gonna do? It’ll probably pass before too long. Let’s go take a shower and head into our day ...”

Hope YOU aren’t having a sad day!

We’re off to gymnastics now–and then we’ll be helping some friends this afternoon.

Blessings and joy,
Tara B.

I am SO far behind the times technologically-wise, that I could only SURMISE what terms like iPhone / iApp actually MEAN.

But assuming that most of you are WAY more savvy then me, I wanted to link you over to Carolyn McCulley’s great post on an iPhone app that helps to coordinate MEALS for families in need.

We’re still doing this diaconal service the old fashioned way at our church (calls and lists and more calls), but I have tried my best to pass along various websites that help too. (So far, to no avail in our local church.)

Maybe the iApp will tip our leaders over into embracing how technology can help in these situations!

Thanks, Carolyn, for the great information.

Happy Tuesday, all!

Yours,
Tara B.

I am continuing to stay on schedule for my little Blogging the Institutes adventure and hope that some of you are too.

I’ve found it to be very worth my time, and very hard too. I haven’t had to concentrate on every line, every paragraph, every transition like this since law school. Plus, I haven’t had to pick up and carry a book this HEAVY since law school, so I’m out of shape in two ways–mentally and physically.

But I do love it. I love how hard it is to read and how many new words I am forced to learn because I simply have no idea what they mean.

I love see even richer, deeper source material brought out and explained. Something deep inside of me resonates with the truths contained therein–and I am grateful.

I am also tempted to QUIT whenever I look at the ENTIRE SIZE OF THE BOOK! It’s just crazy to think that I could possibly read all 1,000 pages.

But then, I take my eyes off of the size of the book and put them on the Lord, praying for His grace, thanking Him for His care; and I set my eyes on five brief readings for this one week. And I think, “I can do that!” And I do.

It’s just so edifying.

Like my reading this morning ... paragraph 1 of Chapter 17 reminds us that “all things are divinely ordained”; "God takes care of the whole human race, but is especially vigilant in governing the church, which he favors with a closer inspection."

“But it was one brief example about the works of God being made manifest in him when calamity takes precedence even of birth. Our carnal sense murmurs as if God were unmerciful in thus afflicting those who have not offended. But Christ declares that provided we had eyes clear enough, we should perceive that in this spectacle the glory of his Father is brightly displayed. We must use modesty, not as it were compelling God to render an account, but so revering his hidden judgments as to account his will the best of all reasons.”

I guess that just strikes so close to home as our child in utero is large enough now to affect pretty much every single thing I do (and can no longer do)–so I am constantly mindful of him or her.

And even as Sophia creates decorations and invitations to “The Baby Party!!” that she wants to throw when the baby comes home in July–I still hold back,wondering ... will this child actually live? Be healthy? Actually come into our little home and family?

Only the Lord knows, of course, but our family has already shifted in size as is shown by Sophie’s joyful dancing and kissing yesterday ...

I love you Mom! (Kiss Kiss Kiss)
I love you baby! (Kiss Kiss Kiss on the BELLY)
I love you our baby in Heaven! (Kiss Kiss Kiss up to the air towards Heaven)
I love you, Lilikoi (Fuzzy Kiss Fuzzy Kiss Fuzzy Kiss)
And I love you, Daddy, at work (Air Kiss, Air Kiss, Air Kiss).
I love our entire family!!

As do I.
No matter what

“By faith I account his will the best of all reasons.”

And with that, I am going to try to sleep. Again.

Blessings to you all, my friends!

Please bear with me as my low energy days are coming more and more frequently now–yet I MUST persevere in prepping to speak at these three conferences next month. (Hard to do when all you want to do is climb under the covers from exhaustion–and even harder, then, when sleep does not come.)

Hence the 2AM blog.

I’m heading back to bed now–

Sending you my love,
Tara B.

We finished Prince Caspian tonight–after some marathon sessions Friday and Saturday because we just didn’t want to put it down (!!) and wow! But that was an exciting finish.

The battle was great, of course, but our favorite part was when Aslan was on the move, in the words of Sophia:

"Aslan is making everything PERFECT again!"

Talk about a wonderful picture of Shalom. Sophie burst out into a spontaneous chorus of, "For You are good! For You are good! For You are good to me!"–which delighted Fred and me to our toes.

(Seemed like pretty much the only appropriate response to God’s redemption.)

Now I just have to track down a copy of “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” because ours seems to have gone missing ...

Hope you had a lovely Sabbath too!

Yours,
Tara B.

Congratulations, Pat MacG!

Using the random number generator from random.org, you won the free marriage materials!

Please just drop me an email with your contact information/mailing address and I’ll have them in the mail to you tomorrow – oops, Monday is a Federal holiday – so, Tuesday.

Hope they are a blessing to you!

Love,
Tara B.

We had a hilariously fun Valentine’s day around here–and hope you did too. Ours started with chocolates, cards, and a teddy bear for Soph; and a Jumbone for birthday puppy Lilikoi:



Red, heart-shaped pancakes and sugar cookies galore rounded out our fun:





But the BEST time by far was when Sophie practiced her little fiddle song for our church’s variety show:



Fun stuff!

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

And the fiddler ...

Although I am often tagged in memes, I don’t usually do them. And I decline EVERY SINGLE invitation I ever receive on Facebook–for a gift, group, cause, whatever. I just don’t go there, so please don’t ever take it personal.

But when my dear friend Joe Adams tagged me in this “25 Things About Me” meme that’s been, you know, everywhere, I felt compelled to participate because I’d do pretty much anything for him.

So here you go, 25 things about me:

1. Both Sophie and I almost died in her delivery. LONG story, but the gist is that by the time they actually got her OUT of me (by emergency c-section), my uterus had been torn and a major artery was nicked, so I was bleeding out; and she was blue and not breathing (her first APGAR was a 3!). But thank God for His grace and for EXCELLENT medical care! We both made it and after a little “infant resuscitation” (a medical bill we did NOT mind paying) and blood transfusion (for me), it only took a few hours before we both were fine.

2. Email is great. I use it constantly and I feel very strange when I have to do an event without email contact for even one day. HOWEVER, I love real snail-mail and I am one of the few people I know who still sends little notes and cards to people.

3. I spent time in Estonia and East Germany (East Berlin) before the fall of the U.S.S.R. (actually went through the real Checkpoint Charlie) and Slovenija, Yugoslavia and Outer Mongolia just AFTER the fall of the U.S.S.R—and I will always be grateful that I got to actually EXPERIENCE that part of history, especially meeting the people, rather than only reading about it a book.

4. I still remember faking being asleep as an eight year old so that my dad would carry me into my bed after a long car trip. I felt so safe in his arms! So I can keenly relate to Sophia’s reluctance to grow up (especially with the baby coming). We talk often about the blessings of growing up, but also acknowledge that, yes, it’s great to be a baby and be held/protected/cared for by someone bigger and stronger than we are. I explain how that desire for protection, provision, and care ("home") is a reflection of our longing for Heaven—that this life is not our real home—and it’s OK to be a little reluctant about growing older and having more responsibilities in this life. But just remember that God is always with us and He is sovereign and good as our Perfect Heavenly Father. Oh, and she asked me to promise that I would still cuddle with her when she’s a grown up. I said, “Absolutely!”

5. I truly believe that I survived the challenges of my childhood because God gave me piano/music. It was my escape and comfort, a true common grace, before I knew Him.

6. My junior year of high school, I wanted to try out for the speech team, but unlike the other kids who had really paid their dues and put in their time been learning and practicing for years on the J.V. team, I had absolutely no experience. So the teacher in charge gave me the hardest category (Original Oratory—where you write your own speech, memorize it, and then give it) thinking (she told me later) that it would scare me off and she’d be done with me. But instead I wrote a kick-butt speech on patriotism (inspired in part by my time in East Berlin and Estonia, see above), gave it at the first big tournament of the year—as a NON-TEAM member (so my points didn’t even count toward the team trophy), and WON. First place. I still can’t believe it. But here’s the worst part—by winning at such a big meet, I was put onto the team (into one of the two spots) and displaced a girl who had been on the team for YEARS. She was only EVER gracious to me and was such a good sport, but I still regret displacing her.

7. I am not a good cook, but I’ve PERFECTED chocolate chip cookies. Consistently. Even real cooks say that they’re great.

8. I have a profound respect for / fear of BUNGEE CORDS after one snapped the hook into my EYEBALL. I thought I lost the eye for sure–and my eye surgeon said that many people do.

9. I had horrifying night terrors as a child and would sleepwalk right OUT of my house. Once I even unlocked a HOTEL door and was down the hall, pressing the button for the elevator, when the slam of the door woke up my parents and they retrieved me.

10. I loved accompanying all of the musicals in high school. It was incredibly hard work to be at pretty much every rehearsal—singers, dancers, lighting/tech. But I loved it and I miss it. I wish I could somehow hook into the public high schools or community theaters here in Billings as a backup rehearsal accompanist or something. It’s not a good stage of my life to be the actual accompanist—plus, I doubt I’m good enough anymore—but I’d love to play even just a little.

11. I’ve had a bunch of surgeries (I think either ten or eleven) and I think general anesthesia is fascinating. (Only because, other than one, they haven’t been life threatening or crisis surgeries.) I find it so strange to “lose” a big chunk of time. And coming back to consciousness—either slowly or with a WHOOOSH? It’s very, very strange and interesting to me.

12. I once stayed up pretty much all night to get Space Invaders to roll over from 99,999 to 0 on the first Atari machine. It was quite an “accomplishment,” but one that had absolutely no purpose and absolutely no proof.

13. I hate the Lord of the Rings. I know. I know. I’ll probably get de-listed by a bunch of friends for that one (some of my friends are crazy LOTR fans). I thought the movies were predictable and boring. I’ve tried to read the book like five times but I can never make it out of Bilbo’s stupid birthday party. I do like some of the Christ-imagery and I’m sure it’s a work of genius. I just don’t care for it. (Kind of like how I don’t really care for C.S. Lewis’s “Space Trilogoy” which I read because I learned it was his favorite of all his work. But I didn’t HATE the Lewis books—and I did finish them in my first reading.)

14. One of my happiest memories in all of life was accompanying Libby Awe as she sang “Ride on King Jesus” for our Black Literature class for Dr. Paul Olsen.

15. I was smitten by Fred the moment I saw him. I still think his dark brown eyes are the dreamiest and kindest eyes I’ve ever seen. (And even though I still miss having ANY relatives with blue eyes like me, I’m thrilled that Sophie has them because they are so striking against her fair skin and light coloring.) Fred, with all of his weaknesses (and after 13 years of marriage, don’t we know each other’s weaknesses!?!), is one of the greatest men I have ever known. He is a man of faithful, consistent care and deep integrity. Plus, he is incredibly smart, gifted, and enjoyable—and the world’s best father. I can’t believe he married me.

16. I now do all of my scrapbooking electronically (using Picaboo) and I LOVE IT. I will never go back to double stick tape and scissors.

17. I think I would’ve gotten much better grades in law school if I had ever, even just ONCE, looked at a study aid. But someone told me during orientation, “Don’t use study aids. Read the actual cases. Learn to be an actual lawyer!” And I took the advice a little too much to heart. I really think I would’ve structured my exam response much better if I had read the cases AND used the study aids/outlines. Sometimes I still kick myself a bit over this, but then I remember that who knows what my life would’ve looked like if I had entered into the world of big firms/lots of money/golden handcuffs AND it was a good discipline to, you know, just read tens of thousands of pages of cases and TRY to actually learn.

18. It is so rare for me to actually comfortable around any people that when I do, I just CHERISH it.

19. I still feel guilty over the fact that one day, my senior year of high school, I realized with about ten minutes left to go in lunch period that I had forgotten to write a poem that was due the next period for A.P. English. So I got permission to go to the typing lab and, literally, in one draft, with one try, in less than five minutes, I slammed out a poem called “LITEWORKS.” (As an aside, I remember it used the word “dun” because we had just had that as a vocabulary word and I thought it was an interesting word.) Anyway, I not only got an “A" on the poem, my teacher submitted it to a poetry magazine (which paid me $100 to publish it) AND I won the ”Critic’s Choice" award at some high school literary competition as being “the best” of all of the genres (short story, fiction, nonfiction, poetry, etc.). I was so ashamed! And I still feel badly about it. The bottomline is that I am very, very lazy. Except for preparing for my piano performance juries and my Bar Exam, I can’t really think of times I’ve been diligent and worked hard. This sloth is shameful and I’m praying for the grace—and trying hard—to improve.

20. I terribly miss not getting to be involved with music at church anymore. Even since I was born again as a teenager, music has always been a huge part of my church experience—both as a participant in corporate worship (I love hymns! All five verses!), and as a member of the choir, handbell choir, accompanist, director of handbell choirs, etc. I miss it terribly.

21. I almost (accidentally) killed a woman, child, and myself in a terrible FREAK accident involving driving a golf cart when I was WAY too young to have been given that responsibility. To this day, I am overwhelmed with gratitude to God that He gave me the presence of mind (as like an ELEVEN year old) to order the (adult!) woman—with child on lap—to JUMP OUT of the cart at the last second and to jump out myself. The cart literally FLEW off of a cliff and crashed many feet below. I still shudder when I think about it.

22. I type freakishly fast. It’s one of the things that I do well in life and I hope to train Sophia (once we start training her on computers) to be a touch typist. It’s just so much more efficient to not be slowed down by your typing speed.

23. Fred and I laugh the most when we are around one of two couples: my sister and her Fred, or Samara and T.J. Lynde. These people are SO different from us and SO interesting, kind, loving, fascinating … we laugh and laugh and enjoy them with the true joy of deep and abiding friendship.

24. If I had more discretionary income, I might do better at this … but currently? I am SO behind the times when it comes to technology. It took me FOREVER to even START using mp3 files. (Someone taught me the term “mp3 reluctant” and wow! That was me—and I’m still no pro at it all.) I neither twitter nor crackberry. My laptop is ancient and we went a LONG time with only dial-up internet access (especially because we have no cable t.v.—YUP, we’re about to lose our two analog stations any day now). But I ADORE my Bluetooth and can’t imagine life without it. (But if my hands are free, I DO take it out at stores when talking to real live people because I think it’s rude to not.)

25. As I see Sophia “drop back” from us on family walks (if she does something wrong), or pull away to her room (to “punish” herself by being alone), I am overwhelmed with gratitude to God that I get to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with my beloved child. I totally understand what it feels like to want to pull away (run away!) and hide when my sin and fallenness and selfishness comes out. But that never actually deals with anything! It just leaves us TRAPPED. But oh the freedom of the Cross! That we can repent, confess, and actually BE forgiven? And then have a clean start, fully reconciled to God and neighbor? Oh! This is great and glorious news and I love to be reminded of it over and over again and I love to remind my daughter of it over and over again too.

Whew. Yesterday was a tough one–but today has the potential to be different.

Fred is taking some “get some rest because you have a bad cold” / family time and Sophie and I are happy to just get to be with him (and nurse him a bit with Puffs Plus and lots of orange juice).

We might get to take a family walk. (It’s time to mail off Scout’s birthday present!)

We may try to tackle heart-shaped sugar cookies. (But I REALLY wish I had a GOOD RECIPE for cut-out sugar cookies. You know, the kind that are not too thick and not too thin; all shortbread/sugar/butter DELICIOUS? Icing that is SCRUMPTIOUS? If you have that recipe, PLEASE OH PRETTY PLEASE share it with me!!)

Mostly, I am praying that I will be gentle today. I don’t know if I just need a good cry and a day with the covers over my head; or need to just suck it up and do my duty; or some combination or compromise in between ... but I just haven’t been feeling very content, happy, gentle in spirit lately.

So I’m praying that I will, you know, trust God–His love, His care. And love others–more than myself. AND give myself a break because I, too, am a kleenex-filling-cough-machine AND a happily, hormonally, wacked-out momma of a 16 week in utero love muffin.

Deep breaths! Into the day I go ...

"All the way my Savior leads me;
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well."

Blessings,
Tara B.

Just a quick note to remind you that you can still enter our little GIVEAWAY for free marriage materials–but you have to leave a comment by midnight tomorrow, Valentine’s Day (2/14/09):

Leave a Comment HERE to Win Free Stuff!

Only 20 or so people have entered, so you have a HIGH likelihood of winning. And I NEVER give your contact information to ANYONE–so why not enter?

Hope it’s a blessing to you.

Your friend,
Tara B.

TakeYourVitaminZ posted a great link that I encourage you to check out:

This Floored Me Today

I had a long, hard–but good–day of work yesterday preparing to teach my, “Persevering with Grace when Our Leaders Let Us Down” workshop for a conference next month.

It was extremely painful to listen to and re-read examples of people being so horribly hurt within the church–but also so encouraging and edifying to be reminded of their perseverance, even in the midst of extreme suffering.

I’m still working to draw my material to a coherent whole (that builds to an “X” and hopefully clearly articulates and explains some God-exalting, biblically-faithful, helpful ideas). But in the interim, I wanted to share with you a few of my random notes:

- One of the most common idols in relational strife is justice. Justice is a good thing, but often we want it too much. And when we don’t get it—we think we’re justified in our bitterness.

- Joy cannot coexist with bitterness.

- I once attended a workshop by Pastor Dennis Reiter entitled, “Wounded in the Church.” During the workshop he defined “woundedness” as: “People are wounded in their soul when they perceive there has been a significant act or an accumulation of acts against them that involve: 1. Violation of justice and/or 2. Absence or withdrawal of love.” Where have you been wounded? Where are you wounding others? Withdrawing your love?

- Luke 7:47: “He who is forgiven little, forgives little.”

- CS Lewis: “love is risky business,” “love makes us vulnerable,” and, “the only way to keep your heart intact is to give your heart to no one–not even an animal.” People WILL let you down. LOVE ANYWAY. You will NOT grow and change if you isolate yourself from REAL relationships.

- Remember the possibilities of grace! People have rough edges (“areas in need of further sanctification”)We blunder! But God’s grace enables us to persevere.

- “Our momentary and light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.” 2 Corinthians 4:17 (Doesn’t FEEL light OR momentary!)

- It is a lifelong event to forgive—we cannot just say, “I forgive you” once and move on. Turning away from bitterness, living in mercy and forgiving over and over again, these acts of obedience and faith remind us how much we need the Savior. Only His grace and love could ever enable us to love as He has loved us. (John 13:34-36).

- 1 John 4:19-21: “We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar ..."

I’ll close with this example ...

One day I was struggling again to persevere in love, with grace, toward people in the church who had truly betrayed and rejected me. My heart was raw! And I did NOT want to persevere.

I was miserable and my conversation with Fred went something like this:

“But if I forgive them, then won’t I be giving up the one thing I have on them?”

“What do you mean?”, Fred asked.

“Well, I can’t hurt them like they’ve hurt me or restore what was taken from me (I don’t have the power, resources, or authority to do so). I can’t make them understand the depth of suffering they’ve caused me and cause them to grow in compassion and love. I can’t force them to change or grow or help me during my times of desperate need.”

“The one thing I have on them is this ... I can withhold myself from them. That’s it –- that’s my ace in the hole, my one card to play.”

“And if I truly forgive them and allow them to enter into my life and heart again ... allow myself to have real relationship with them ... pray for God’s blessings on them ... then what do I have?”

“Tara," Fred responded with love and care and gentleness (even though he knew it would break me down into weeping again), "Then you will be living out the grace you have lavishly received and giving that grace to them. You will be praying for those who mistreat you. You will have the blessings of obedience.”

Yup. That’s what I would have.

And even though it KILLS me, it is enough.

(I’m already dead anyway, right? This life is not my own. I no longer live but Christ lives in me. What can you do to a dead man?)

“As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.” He replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.” Luke 11:27-28

Praying that you will NOT be hurt by your fellow Christian today!

But if you are ... that God will help to guard your heart from the destructive poison of bitterness.

With tears and prayers and love,
Tara B.

Well ... I’m totally amazed that our little “world’s most patient dog” video on YouTube has officially passed 100,000 views.



And if you Goggle the words, “the world’s most patient dog,” she’s still the number one hit. Too fun!

I know a lot of you have already seen this–but if you’re new to this blog, click on over and enjoy. Can you believe that Sophia was ever that little?

Back to work now–

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Soph and I had a blast at our church co-op’s Valentine’s Day party yesterday and I thought you might enjoy seeing a little of the red & pink & white happiness:

I don’t know how your day is going, but I’m having a Psalm 55 kind of day around here.

Are you familiar with Psalm 55? Have you ever been really hurt by someone that you used to respect and trust? Someone you called a friend and opened your heart to, only to be judged, condemned, and ultimately rejected by them?

(And do you ever find that for reasons beyond your control you have to KEEP being hurt by them?)

Well, if so, Psalm 55 is for YOU! Please grab your Bible and jump right into it all.

Here are a few excerpts to get you started:

"Give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy! Attend to me, and answer me; I am restless in my complaint and I moan, because of the noise of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked. For they drop trouble upon me, and in anger they bear a grudge against me.

My heart is in anguish within me and I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away;I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest.”

For it is not an enemy who taunts me—then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—then I could hide from him. But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. We used to take sweet counsel together; within God’s house we walked in the throng.

But I call to God, and the Lord will save me. He redeems my soul in safety.

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you.

I will trust in God."

Our only hope, eh?

To put our trust NEVER fully in people (because even our most faithful and loving and gracious friends / family members / church leaders WILL let us down AT TIMES) ...

But to TRUST GOD and LOVE PEOPLE. Even the ones who hurt us. Especially the ones who hurt us.

(Yes, with wisdom. But “wisdom that comes from Heaven”–see James 3! NOT “so called wisdom” that really means, “Protect ourselves at all cost!” and “Never bear up under the pain of unjust suffering–just flee it/avoid it and find a happier/easier path!” That’s not wisdom. And that’s certainly not love.)

For when we love even our enemies? Ah! THEN we will be like our Savior and our God (and show ourselves to be His).

I’m praying for an obedient and loving heart. Because Psalm 55 Days always have me teetering on the brink of just wanting to SPROUT WINGS and FLY FAR, FAR AWAY.

May God help me to persevere. (He does! He does!)

Sending you my love–

Yours,
Tara B.

Jess posted a wonderful set of thoughts for new moms over at her Making Home blog.

Fred and I are hoping to remember something about taking care of a newborn if this little one makes his or her arrival come July ... so I was glad to re-read many of her links.

Hope you enjoy!

Oh my STARS! This is a profound video.



(HT: TakeYourVitaminZ!)

Life Together just posted a link to a fantastic article on churches as communities of convenience vs. communities of grace.

A quick glance at the four-line chart is SO worth the 15 second read. But be forewarned–it is so profound that you may be thinking about it a LOT as you go throughout your day. I sure am.

Gratefully,
Tara B.

Have you been following the discussion threads over at IX Marks on Jay Adam’s "When Counseling, Don’t ..." list?

I REALLY appreciate their ADDITIONS and their first NUANCE too.

I’m looking forward to reading more nuances when they (hopefully) post them in the future.

Hope you enjoy a blessed Tuesday!

Yours,
Tara B.

I’m not familiar with this show, but when Pastor JollyBlogger puts a link up, I pretty much always click through.

I’m really glad I did. This made me laugh and laugh. Hope you enjoy!

Our Sunday started VERY early–around 4AM for me and Fred had to be at church by 7:30, so that was early for him.

Fred did a great job teaching our “(Actually!) Setting Your House in Order” Sunday school class (on stewardship, giving, living within a spending plan, debt, estate planning, insurance, etc.). And I did my best to provide color commentary and examples of what NOT to do re: money/debt/spending, etc.

(I did tell one story about a time 10+ years ago when Fred and I were newlyweds and “negative poor” grad students ... We took a little class in our church on budgeting/stewardship and the teacher encouraged us to complete a little “deed” to acknowledge how GOD is actually the owner of EVERYTHING in our lives. This was not really hard for me to do because, of course, we owned NOTHING. Really. No real furniture. We didn’t even have that many books. We were just a couple of grad students living in a tiny, run down apartment.

EXCEPT for one thing. ONE asset. The one thing of greater worth than $100 that we actually owned–MY PIANO.

I’ve had my piano since 1978 when I started playing as a third grader. My parents separated and came back together and separated and came back together and finally divorced–I was tossed back and forth over the years and ended up living with a merciful family from my church as a teenager ... and wherever I went, like a 500 pound teddy bear, that piano went with me. I comforted myself at it. I escaped with it. I accompanied every choir, swing choir, jazz band, musical, community musical, and solo and ensemble competition you can think of in high school and then won a $20,000 music scholarship to help pay for college on that piano.

I LOVED MY PIANO. Plus, it was really a part of our brand-new marriage too because we would pretty much DAILY sit at it and sing songs and worship and just have fun at it.

And then there was that silly little, hokey, lame “DEED IT ALL TO GOD” exercise. I thought, “Sure. Whatever. I’ll deed my piano to God. No problem.” Because I never really thought it would cost me anything.

AND THEN, the very next week, I find out that Fred’s Grandmother (who was in her late 80’s at the time and who had played the piano for her ENTIRE LIFE) no longer had access to a piano in her assisted living home. I couldn’t believe it! She was going blind from macular degeneration. She was very old. Piano was such an important part of her life! I wanted her to have a piano–AND I HAD A PIANO TO GIVE.

So I did. We borrowed out friend’s SUV and loaded up my one asset and gave it away.

Initially I felt pretty good about it. I loved GG ("Great Grandma") and I wanted to bless her. It made me happy to bless her. UNTIL I STARTED TO REALLY MISS MY PIANO.

Honestly? I had to wrestle through it all and really submit to God about it and ask for His grace to STOP being a selfish girl. And He did help me.

It was YEARS before GG was done with the piano and it came safely back to us. And I’m very glad to have it–I love to accompany Sophia’s little fiddle songs and Minuets. BUT. I would do it all again–the hokey little “deed” exercise, giving it away, missing it ... in a SECOND.

Because it really IS all the Lord’s. And I don’t want to hold onto ANYTHING (or anyone!) with an iron-fisted, selfish, idolatrous grip. Even my piano.)

WHEW! That was supposed to be a tiny parenthetical and NOT my blog for today ... I’d better wrap things up.

Let me just leave you with a few highlights from our Sunday:

- Pastor Alfred preached from Genesis 11 and 12 and reminded us that God calls the weak and wicked because He is reversing the curse! He calls new things out of nothing because He has come to bless and not destroy; to heal and not wound. What a sweet reminder!

- Our family reading of Prince Caspian" is getting WAY more interesting. (I thought the beginning was a little slow.) But now?! With the battle and the kids being tied into the story? And HOORAY! The courage of teeny tiny Reepicheep? (I’m so glad to finally even begin to understand the Reepicheep cultural reference that I’ve read about in other sources for years.) I’m lovin' it and so is Sophia. She gets so excited as various things happen in the story that she just has to LEAP off of our laps and go to the center of the room and REENACT what just happened and make sure we understood it in her own little words. Fred and I just grin and EAT IT UP. She will never be five years old again–and we are drinking in every single drop of time that we get with her.

- I was exhausted (see above–"awake since 4AM") and went to take a nap. But Fred and Soph were having so much fun building a Marble Run Elevator and I was so stressed over the PILE of bills and receipts (and related paperwork that needed filling out) related to Sophie’s medical situation, that I decided to go downstairs and, at the same table as their FUN, tackle the beast and FIGURE OUT ALL OF THE FORMS. I thought that being together as a family might help me to have courage and persevere–AND IT DID. Not only did I find the information I needed in order to get it all filled out, it really wasn’t that hard.

As usual, my FEAR of the task was WAY out of proportion to the ACTUAL TASK.

What a blessing to have that done and NOT have to face it rolling over onto my “OVERDUE!” tasklist tomorrow morning. Hooray!

I hope your week gets off to a great start Monday morning–

Yours,
Tara B.

Earlier in the day, we went for a family walk on top of Zimmerman Trail.



It was a gorgeous day and there were Golden Retrievers a-plenty. Lili LOVED it. So did we.

My favorite part of the day was when Sophie “preached” a great sermon to us from high atop one of the (super fun) Zimmerman Trail rock formations. It went something like this:

"May I have your ATTENTION, please?! I have an ANNOUNCEMENT!

Jesus doesn’t want you to RUN AWAY from Him. He wants you to come TO Him so that your sins can be forgiven.

I know the way to HEAVEN! I am not the way. Jesus is The Way!"

Not bad for a five year old, eh?

We told her it was the best news we’d ever heard.

Enjoy your Sabbath tomorrow–

Yours,
Tara B.

I thought some of you might get a little chuckle out of the EXTREME chaos I created when I emptied out all of my “pockets of resistance” (where I stuff, throw, I mean place things until I can “really” deal with them in an orderly fashion) ...



Man! Sometimes you have to destroy to create, eh? And there really is no other way to organize than to FIRST make a HUGE mess.

'Course, the problem came when I was EXHAUSTED and didn’t really feel like dealing with the piles. FOR DAYS. Finally, yesterday morning, in order to push through my entropy, I gave myself ONE HOUR to do as much as I could. And (as usual), once I made that much progress, I had sufficient momentum to slay the beast and finish the task. Hooray!

Then I could feel completely free to enjoy Sophie, Lili, and Fred in their masterpiece of a fort:



One last set of photos from the week and I’ll head back into our relaxed Saturday at home ...

This week our pastors came downstairs to our church’s co-op and encouraged all of the children who are working so hard on the Young Children’s Catechism:



And they made a sweet presentation to Sophia Grace of a certificate and Bible from our denomination, congratulating her on learning all 150 catechism questions:



OK. Back to fetch with Lili (and simultaneous piano and violin with Fred & Soph).

Yours,
Tara B.

You probably don’t know that I have REALLY bad knees.

I’ve had bad knees my entire life–even back when I was athletic and in shape. (Wow! Was I ever athletic and in shape? Seems like a zillion years ago.)

Anyway ... I’ve had multiple surgeries including two incredibly invasive, bone-cutting, re-aligning, the last step before total knee replacement surgeries. Sometimes the pain is manageable, sometimes I resort to heat and ice and old-man-bengay-rubs and any drugs I can take.

But not when I’m pregnant, of course. So today I went and saw my knee surgeon to see if there was anything we can do for the next four and a half months because WOW! The pain in my right knee is, at times, EXCRUCIATING. It literally wakes me up out of a deep sleep. I describe it to Fred as if someone were taking a hammer and nail and literally NAILING through the top of my knee cap.

(Ouch!)

Anyway ... in addition to my standard alignment and arthritis problems, the new information we learned today is that a tiny piece of bone has chipped off of my knee cap and is currently floating around my tendon. Hence, the “only occasional” excruciating pain. If it shifts into a sensitive spot, YOWZA! But if it’s tucked in and not rubbing against anything too much, just normal pain level.

Nothing to be done about that now, of course. But if this little one makes his or her happy arrival this summer, I might be going under the knife for a simple little “pop that piece o' bone out of your knee” surgery.

Sometimes it’s just nice to know that there really IS something wrong (it’s not in my head!) and that there is help–even if it’s a few months away.

OK. Back to tackling the chaos.

With joy,
Tara B.

I had to chuckle this afternoon as I sat stuffing church bulletins with a group of women and one of them said something to the effect of:

"Well, Tara, you’d probably describe your family as perfect or something ... but that’s not how it is for me."

Obviously, this dear saint does not know anything about my family of ORIGIN or my current state as, ummmm, let’s just say charitably, NOT a very good homemaker.

Isn’t that often the case, though?

How easy it is for us ALL to look at someone and make huge presumptions–about how “easy” their life is; how they could NEVER relate to us in our current struggle with (fill-in-the-blank ... credit card debt, marital strife, unruly children, drugs/alcohol/gluttony, mental illness, s*xual temptation, etc.); how “together” they are compared to our constant messiness.

But you know what? We’re ALL a mess. Every single one of us.
So it’s a good thing that our relationship with God is not based on US, but on HIM.

And that’s the only way that our human relationships can be vulnerable and authentic and grace-filled too. We have to be crushed by our messiness/sin/fallenness and then lifted up again–NOT by our works, but by His grace alone. Then we can give that grace to others.

It’s like I told Sophie that this morning as she was struggling with a selfish heart and then beating herself up over how “bad” (her word) she is.

She said, “Mom! I was bad yesterday and I’m going to be bad tomorrow and I’m just SO bad all the time!”

I said, “Welcome to the human race, kiddo. Mommy and Daddy and Pastor Jason and EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING EVER struggles with that same ”badness." You’re worse than you know and God’s love for you is greater than you can imagine. He has forgiven you and He DOES forgive you and He WILL forgive you. God never tires of forgiving His children. Run to Him. Trust Him."

And so we prayed. But she still felt a little sad, so I told her that sometimes when I’m feeling sad, it helps to play the piano and make music. She grabbed her violin and by the end of her most recent fiddle song, she was laughing and smiling again.

One day at a time, eh?
One temptation, one sin. One confession. One believing that what God says is true–and when we confess our sins He IS faithful and just to forgive us. Cleanse us. Give us a new start.

Thank God for grace!

I hope your weekend is a restful and blessed one–

Yours,
Tara B.

A very honorable woman just returned a brand-new copy of When Sinners Say I Do: Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage to me (because she was accidentally sent two copies), and rather than hold onto it, I thought I’d give it away to one of you in a giveaway!

Plus, in addition to the book, I’ll add in my two marriage audio CD teachings: “Mediating the Miserable Christian Marriage” and “But How Can I Submit When I Know He’s Wrong?!”

(Yes, yes, the titles might not be initially appealing ... but if you’ve ever tried to help a couple that loves the Lord, loves their children, and HATES EACH OTHER, you’ll relate to the first one. And I’ve never done a church intervention, marriage mediation, or even just visited with a large group of people for very long without the second question coming up. Of course, submission is not a gender issue–men are called to submit to authority too. So the principles apply both ways.)

Are you interested in learning more about how the gospel applies proactively (to engaged couples and happily married couples)? AND how the gospel helps when we are going through hard seasons and facing difficult (DIFFICULT!) challenges?

All you have to do is leave a comment below by midnight, Valentine’s Day (February 14, 2009).

(Sure, you COULD say something encouraging if you wanted to, but it’s not necessary. )

Oh! And to all of your hundreds and hundreds of lurkers–wouldn’t this be a great time to DE-LURK and join in our happy little “we comment on Tara’s blog” family? We’d love to meet you.

(There’s your shout-out, Pat from Georgia! Thanks for de-lurking at my event last weekend. You blessed my socks off.)

Back to my zillion loads of laundry–

Love and blessings,
Tara B.

Another classic from the only e-devotional I read Mon-Fri, RZIM’s Slice of Infinity:

Relational Testimony (by L.T. Jeyachandran)

Let me tempt you with just a snippet:

"As an apologist, I am often engaged in conversations that involve the philosophical, theological, scientific, and historical reasons by which one could reasonably conclude that Jesus is exactly who he said he was–the eternal God now come in the flesh. But interestingly enough, Jesus tells us in John 13:34-35 that the final apologetic by which this world will recognize that he was sent by God is the demonstrable love-relationship that will be seen in the lives of his disciples.

Why is it that the unfathomable truth of Word made flesh can only be conclusively understood in a living, verifiable community of believers? Why is it that of all the methods that the evil one could invent to thwart the purposes of God, none would succeed so spectacularly as the disruption of relationships among the members of the body of Christ?

There is one simple but profound answer ..."

(Doesn’t that make you want to read the entire devotional? And maybe sign up to receive this devotional too? I can tell you that they have NEVER spammed my email address. They don’t even ask for donations. They just bless and bless–which, of course, makes me WANT to support them. )

Blessings on your Thursday!

Yours,
Tara B.

Ray Ortlund posted this video over on his blog and it was a pleasure to see again:



(WARNING! Some curse words are spoken at the very beginning.)

If you haven’t yet seen The Shawshank Redemption, I hope that you will one day. Fred and I were so disturbed and enthralled and encouraged by it when we first saw it years ago. It truly is a classic. (But again, be warned, there are curse words and “adult” situations – extreme injustices, violence, etc. – that some of you might not tolerate in your movie watching.)

Back to making order out of chaos –

Your friend,
Tara B.

Every once in awhile, I see a teeny bit of tangible evidence that, by God’s grace alone, He is sanctifying me and helping me to grow.

Like this afternoon ...

I received an “explanation of benefits” from our insurance company with an ASTRONOMICALLY HUGE amount due (from our time at The Children’s Hospital last month) and the entire bill marked, “NOT COVERED. 100% YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.”

Can you say adrenaline?
Can you say panic?

Especially because it completely hit my, “Do Everything JUST SO and It STILL Isn’t Good Enough” button (!!). Because, of course, before I made the appointments, I cleared EVERYTHING with our insurance company. “Yes, it’s all covered.” "Yes, these doctors are IN-NETWORK." “Yes, no problem.”

And every single step of the process down in Denver, I called the insurance company to ENSURE that the procedures were covered/approved. “No problem.” "No problem." “No problem.”

Until the bill comes today ... PROBLEM (!!).

So I called the insurance company–but at the same time, I DID take the time to pray. (What a grace! Again, ONLY the Lord because left to my own devices, I would’ve just flipped into VERY UPSET TARA MODE.)

And as I sat on hold, I REALLY asked God to help me to be gracious and respectful and NOT panicked and rude.

As I sat LONGER on hold, I even picked up my “Calvin’s Institutes”, which I am working through on schedule for the year (and enjoying thoroughly), and I thought might help me to maintain perspective. (God is still God. He has always provided for us. Don’t panic, Tara. Don’t be a jerk. Etc. etc. etc.)

And when I finally got through to a human and explained my question, I have to say that my voice was probably a little TIGHT from the adrenaline and fear. But (hooray GOD!), I wasn’t rude.

And after she explained that this was denied because it was a DUPLICATE bill (!!), I could honestly just THANK HER and end the call. I didn’t even have to apologize!

Yeah rah hooray! Grace in daily life. This is growth.

(Not sounding very “peacemaking women”-ly, am I, to even struggle with all this? But I’ve always said that I’m just Exhibit A of how NOT to be. Anything redemptive or God-honoring? It’s only by God’s grace.)

Hope your Thursday is going well! I’m DEEP into chaos around here–nothing like a few days at home to bring out my urge to toss, shred, file, give away, reorganize, etc. I’d post a photo, but I don’t know if I can on this old computer. If I can figure it out, I’ll let you glimpse my chaos.

(Lots of times, things have to get a lot WORSE before they get better, eh?)

Blessings and love,
Tara B.

Just a quick note to let you know that I’ll be missing my laptop for a few weeks (it’s being repaired) – so I’m hoping to stay on top of things blog-wise and email-wise, but it might be a little hard.

In the interim, I’m using a really (REALLY!) old computer of ours–and I have to say, it’s pretty funny to see the mix of websites in my “favorites” since Fred dumped my current ones into my old ones. Life goes by so quickly, eh? I’m seeing lots of links to SCUBA shops we used to love, a consultant gig I no longer do, and a bank at which we no longer have an account.

Guess I’ll be doing a little deleting, even though this set up is only temporary because, you know, I’m me. I de-clutter out of habit AND pleasure.

Hope your week is going well. I’d really appreciate your prayers for Fred and the leadership team at Peacemakers as they are trying to get a video series for church leaders done–and a) it’s REALLY hard technology-wise; and b) the topics are incredibly important and “deep”, and they’re trying to cover a lot of information in a short amount of time. They really need God’s favor this week if they are going to get it done.

Will try to write more soon! Even on this OLD machine. I’ll be giving it my best shot.

With joy,
Tara B.

Sophie and I enjoyed a lovely day–hope you did too.

I’m about to head to bed, but after my quick check of Taylor Lynde’s current offerings on ebay, I just had to share two of them with you:



"Icy Waters of the Tongue River, Wyoming" 24x30



"Kintla Wilderness, Glacier National Park" 24x32

I just can’t even IMAGINE being able to create such beauty. What a grace!

(Oh, and be sure to click through the titles to see PHOTOS of TJ onsite painting these. I love the photos!)

G'nite and God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Hi Georgia ladies!! Thanks so much for having me at your retreat this past weekend. I loved being with you. Blessings! – tkb

While I’m happily ensconced in the wilds of Georgia, serving at a retreat (with no wifi or cell coverage), here’s a little “posted in advance old-y but hopefully good-y” blog post for ya':

Is it REALLY Possible to CHANGE?!

Let me tempt you to read it with just two excerpts (both quotes from Lane & Tripp’s, “How People Change”):

"This life of self-examination and joyful discontent should not be confused with a life of paralyzing self-condemnation."

“God does not call us to self-loathing, but to a willingness to examine our lives in light of our hope as new creatures in Christ. That hope is not only based on the promise of forgiveness, but on the promise of personal deliverance and restoration as well. The same grace that has forgiven me is now in the process of radically changing me.”

Amen & Amen!

And blessed Sunday to you all–

(If I make some tight connections on all three flights tonight, I might be home around midnight. 2AM for my currently-adjusted-to-east-coast time bod, but still! Home is home. Here’s hopin'.)

Yours,
Tara B.