considerable grace

Ella was awake and happy after church, so I snapped a couple of photos:



(Don’t you just love those fake Mary Jane socks they’re making now? They didn’t have those when Sophia was born—so I’m very grateful to our dear friend, Miss Dianne, for the sweet gift because MAN! I think they’re cute.)

'Course, reality is never as clean-cut as the posed photos show ...
(Do your baby pictures have a dog getting in a little too close?)



(Kind of like the “happy family” that the Barthels MAY have presented at church today—not immediately showing the quarreling, struggling, repenting, confessing, and forgiving that went on in the hours and minutes before the church service ... but if you asked us or chatted with us, we would’ve been honest about.)

Oh! How true it is that I continue to be a debtor to mercy alone.

Hope your Sabbath is a restful one—

Yours,
Tara B.

(So now you can see how the Barthel girls pass the time waiting for Papa Fred to get home from work on a Friday night.)

Lilikoi just couldn’t understand why Ella didn’t throw her ball (see it there—the red ball gently placed in the corner of Ella’s swing?) and play catch!

I tried SO hard to have a happy home for Fred to wake up to this morning.

Ella and I had been up since a little before 5AM (with her feeding and napping off and on). I was trying to use the time wisely (making lunches, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry) and ended up in the schoolroom tending to our Aerogarden (which was desperately in need of some attention).

I trimmed back dead leaves, gave it its nutrients, and went to fill the water ... but instead decided to DUMP the water ALL OVER the rug, hardwood floor, dollhouse, bookshelf, toys, books, etc. OK. OK. I didn’t actually DECIDE to do that, but it did happen.

And I (temporarily) freaked out. It was SO much water. EVERYWHERE. And I was frustrated because I’ve been spilling and breaking things for weeks now! PLUS, as I went to try to mop up the water, I was thoroughly DISGUSTED by the dog hair and dust on my floor—so my “our home is devolving into squalor” stress-o-meter went through the roof.

So rather than a leave-it-to-Beaver happy moment, Fred stumbled out of bed to a very upset wife and a stressed out five year old (picking up on my over-reactive emotions). Ergh! The exact OPPOSITE of what I had wanted.

Thankfully, he didn’t escalate the situation or even rebuke me. (Which surely he could have! I’m sure I deserved it.) Instead, he just helped me to clean up the mess and encouraged me to slow down and not push too hard.

And Sophia was a real trooper. Pulled out of her crying (in response to my overly-frustrated emotions). Spoke gently to me. Encouraged me to not over-react; to give myself a break; that it was just an accident; that it was just water, etc. etc.

Thus calmed by grace, I quickly repented. To God. To Fred. To Sophia. I asked them all to forgive me and I asked God to help me to change. Plus, I thanked Him that even in my minutes of peak frustration, I never stopped doubting His kindnesses to me.

All of this was a) embarrassing (my sin and immaturity!); and b) comforting (at least I DID repent and believe!).

Plus, it helped to prepare me for an incident on the changing table a few hours later that not only trashed the (freshly laundered and switched out moments prior) changing pad and cover, but also necessitated a BATH of dear Ella (because there is only so much that diaper wipes can do).

(Can you tell I’m trying not to be too gross here?)

Let’s just say that it wasn’t fun, but even I could laugh about it. And even in my exhaustion and THROBBING knee pain, I did strive to be diligent to tackle some hard stuff today—but with a non-stressed-out / give myself a little grace / dust on the tables and dog hair on the hardwoods does NOT mean I’m devolving into the squalor of some of my childhood homes / perspective.

Yes, I obviously still have LEGIONS to go in my journey of sanctification. But there is grace for the moment and grace for the day.

So I’m going to try to get a little shut-eye now while Fred takes the first shift with our little (sweet!) night owl.

She’s 10 lbs 1 oz now. Exactly one month old today. Finally caught up to what her big sister weighed at BIRTH. Yeep! Time to archive the newborn-sized onesies.

G'nite all and God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
When my friend watched the girls this morning, I actually did a huge craft-supply-shopping-trip to Hobby Lobby today and I didn’t even come close to having an anxiety attack! We’re talking clay, paint, glue, felt, ribbons, sand, brads, and even googly-eyes. Maybe my pain level was blocking my temperament as I limped around that huge (but well-stocked and well-organized) store. But truly? I was really happy to be able to buy arts and crafts supplies “just like a grownup”. Maybe I’ll tackle yeast next ...

Have you heard about this ministry?

The Praise Factory

It’s late, so I’m not going to poke around too much more tonight. But I’m definitely going to bookmark this site and return!

Sophia made my day yesterday when this was her reply to our question over dinner, “What did you like most about your first day of First Grade?”

"Getting to be with you, Mom."

Mmmmmmmmm ...

I may have spent the morning on the edge of tears. (Thank God for friends who were so gracious to me and reminded me that I’m less than one month post-partum and I did have two extra surgeries AFTER the c-section, so maybe it’s OK to be easily tired. It’s easy for me to keep forgetting to give myself a break! I’m glad for friends who help me.)

I may have been COMPLETELY unprepared to teach history. (Due to a last minute family change in our co-op, history was either going to be dropped or someone had to step in. I am SO ignorant of history that I really, REALLY love learning it alongside of Sophia ... so I said I’d try it and do my best. Yesterday? After prayer, discussing God’s sovereignty over all of history, and a review of last year’s history journey from Creation into the Ancients, I opened to the first lesson pretty much in front of the children. “OK. Minoans. Let’s learn about the Minoans.” Classic.)

My house is a mess. My poor Golden is CRAVING a long walk or someone to just throw the ball around for her. I haven’t even stayed up on emails the last few days.

But oh! I have the privilege of loving and being loved by a sweet five year old precious little lamb named Sophia Grace. We get to spend our days together, taking care of Eleanor Marie, having fun, learning together, quarreling and sinning and confessing and forgiving.

Yes, I truly am a blessed woman.

Off to take Ella to her one month check up now!

Blessings to you—

Yours,
Tara B.

Yesterday, Eleanor Marie visited Daddy’s work at Peacemaker Ministries for the first time:



And had her first “SO GLAD we had an entire SPARE OUTFIT in the baby bag” diaper during her first trip to the zoo:



Big sister enjoyed being the official stroller pusher:



And enjoyed her first day of FIRST GRADE today:



I’m exhausted, but happily grateful.

Hope your Tuesday was a blessed one too!

Yours,
Tara B.

Out of the blue yesterday afternoon, Sophia Grace (age 5) turned to me and said something to the effect of:

"Don’t you think it’s STRANGE, Mom, that God sent Jesus as a tiny BABY rather than as a Mighty King?"

She said it with so much passion that I knew I was in for a treat of a conversation. And I was. It went something like this:

"I do think it’s strange, dear, that God sent Jesus as a tiny helpless baby. Just think about it, Jesus CREATED the very trees that provided the wood for His manger; and yet, there he lay, just like Ella. He was a vulnerable, helpless, little newborn baby."

“Exactly!” exclaimed Sophia. “He could have come with all of His angels and been big and strong and powerful!” (Please try to picture the arm swinging, fists clenched in mighty-power-ness body language that accompanied Sophia’s words. Classic.)

“Yes,” I replied, “That sure seems like it would’ve made a lot more sense. A big, strong, powerful, wealthy KING who conquers everyone and just TAKES OVER.”

(And so I asked ...) "Why do YOU think God had to send Jesus as a tiny baby?"

“Isn’t it because Jesus didn’t just want to win a battle, like a war, with people’s OUTSIDES. He wanted to win their HEARTS. And the only way that could happen is if He was born as a tiny baby, lived a PERFECT life, and then when HE died, WE could be forgiven. Because the people didn’t know it, but they killed Jesus even though He never ever did anything wrong.”

Exactly.

Her comments reminded me of what I’ve been reading in Jeremiah lately. How the people looked for a powerful political leader to right the wrongs and establish a mighty nation; or a military leader to defeat their enemies; or a King to give them back a clearly-defined piece of land to call their own.

But God had (and has) something WAY bigger in mind. His love and power do not combine to win a battle or establish a mere boundary line.

"Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah, not like the covenant that I made with their fathers on the day when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant that they broke, though I was their husband, declares the Lord. But this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people." Jeremiah 31:31-33

Alleluia!

And blessings on your Monday—

Yours,
Tara B.

If you like baseball (or happen to be married to someone who does) and you like Cake Wrecks, you’re going to enjoy today’s post:

Forget the Ballgame! Just Take Me Out

(Oh, and don’t forget to click through to the “Related Wreckage” at the bottom of the post. It’s a classic.)

I am SO grateful that Fred made a way for me to be at church today. Initially, I thought I would have to miss—again, which is very unlike me—because I simply can’t sit with my leg down for more than a few minutes without a LOT of pain. I do great walking around and I’m fine if it’s elevated while sitting, but trying to sit up through a 90 minute church service while holding a newborn? It just didn’t seem possible.

But Fred made me a little “nest” in the cry room (replete with a chair and pillow for my bum leg, a boppy, my Maya Wrap, and, oh yes, Ella Marie) and I was able to enjoy not only a fantastic sermon by one of our seminary students, but also some sweet fellowship here and there with other moms.

Here are two of the highlights from my morning:

1. A dear friend, for whom I have been praying for MONTHS about the sale of their house and the possible purchase of another house; schooling changes for the kids, etc., mentioned how she was struck recently by how easy it is for her to PLAN (and plan and organize and plan some more), rather than to TRUST GOD. Yes, planning is good and wise—but at some point, we cross a line wherein, as she put it, "It almost feels irresponsible to just trust Him." Isn’t that a great insight? I was struck by her words! (And by her godly, faithful response of repentance once she realized what she had been doing.)

God used this friend to give me a gentle, loving reminder that when I cross that line (and begin trusting my PLANNING rather than trusting HIM), I am called to repent. Oh, and remember that HE truly is my Gentle Shepherd, Victorious King, Forgiving Father. He provides as HE deems best.

2. Our seminary intern, Shane Waldron, preached from Colossians 2, and as I thought he might, he used a “new dad” illustration (because he and his wife just had their first child a few months ago). The thing is? His illustration was PROFOUND. I can’t do it justice, so I encourage you to pop over to our church’s website and listen to the sermon yourself some day. (I think they put the sermons online on Mondays, but I’m not 100% sure about that.)

The gist of the illustration is that on their way driving to Billings, their newborn had her absolute WORST BLOW OUT COMPLETELY AWFUL DIAPER MISHAP EVER. It was a mess and it was everywhere. So there Shane sat, in a parking lot, praying that his box of wipes would hold out and he could get his little girl cleaned up (while, of course, dealing with the vilest of vile smells, nastiness, etc.). And he posed the question to us, "Was there ANY possibility that I would have just LEFT HER THERE? In that horrible mess? Looked at her in disgust and said, ‘Man! You’re AWFUL! What a MESS! You’d better get that cleaned up again and maybe THEN I’ll want to hold you and care for you and love you.’"

Of course not.

Well ... How much more does our Perfect Heavenly Father respond to OUR filth and vileness (sin, addictions, bitterness) with compassion, mercy AND intentional saving grace to deliver us from ourselves? We don’t have to get ourselves “cleaned up” to come to Him. In fact, just like that newborn, we CAN’T POSSIBLY get ourselves cleaned up. We need God. And (thankfully!) He DELIGHTS in forgiving sinners. God takes PLEASURE in loving unlovable people like you and me.

Oh! What a sweet reminder of the true gospel of grace!

It was so great to discuss both of these topics with Sophia over lunch.

In response to Shane’s sermon illustration, she said something to the effect of, “Yep! When God sees us caught in sin (again!), He says, ‘HOLY SPIRIT! GET TO WORK!’ And He does. Right in our HEARTS.” (To which I responded, “Amen & Amen!”)

Jesus is praying for us.
The Holy Spirit is at work in us.
And the Father is loving, forgiving, and rescuing us.

Faith isn’t irresponsible! God truly IS God.
Oh, that we would stop looking for greater satisfaction in something other than Christ.

Blessings to you my friends!

Yours,
Tara B.

Thanks, everyone! We’re over 100 followers on Facebook now, so that is just great. I’m thrilled!

And congratulations to Wendy (who posted her comment on Aug 15) ... you are our winner!

Please, Wendy, by next Sunday Aug 30:

1. Let me know which video series you would like (either my video series ("Living the Gospel in Relationships") OR The Peacemaker Small Group Study).

2. Email me your mailing address.

(If I don’t hear from you by next week, I’ll choose another winner.)

Hope this was fun for everyone!

Sending my love,
Tara B.

Sophia dressed Ella today so that they could wear their “matching” stripey sundresses:



She continues to be Ella’s constant cuddle companion (and she loves to read to both of us):



We’re just back from my first trip out of the house in two weeks (except for, you know, surgeries, trips to the e.r., and doctor visits). I felt so happy to be out and doing something “normal”—but then I became quickly exhausted and (I’m ashamed to admit), GROUCHY. Thankfully, Fred and Sophie have both forgiven me, so I can just look back on our afternoon with a happy, grateful heart. But I’m also trying to learn from my experience and remember that I am in no way 100% yet—so I need to take it easy and gear back into real life SLOWLY.

Hope your Saturday was a blessed one too!

Happy Sabbath tomorrow—

Yours,
Tara B.

We snapped a sweet pic of Sophie sleeping on the pillow she made with Grandma Chris …



And then cuddled as a family after Ella had her morning milkies ...



After Bible & violin, our dear friends Melissa & Sarah Yager helped Sophie to finish her decorations for her “Baby Party” for Eleanor. (Soph was VERY sad when she found out—months ago—that Ella wouldn’t have a Baby Shower, so she asked if she could throw Ella a “Baby Party”. I seriously thought she’d forget about it ... but she’s been making invitations and decorations for, well, months now. So today was the day.)





For treats, Soph went and harvested CARROTS from our very own garden and served the cookies she baked and decorated herself:



And the table included the “Happy Birthday” card and baby rattle she gave Ella on the day she was born:



The games she planned were very fun! (How many baby rattle candies are in the bottle? What baby food is this?)



Sophie ended the party with a beautiful song from her Suzuki Book 2:



How amazingly, astoundingly blessed I am to be the mother of these girls! (And to have such precious women and children as my friends.)

Hope your day was a blessed one too–

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

PS
I know that as the “official photo taker”, I’m usually not in pictures, but some of you might like to see that I’m up and moving around too. So here is the view I usually have throughout my day (Ella in her Maya wrap) and the best pic I could grab in one try by holding the camera out at my arm’s length after I cleaned up the party:

Seriously. When have you had a 1 in 15 chance of winning something worth either $99 or $59? Now you do! (Because only 15 people have signed up for our current WIN FREE STUFF GIVEAWAY.)

To sweeten the pot a bit and tempt the last NINE PEOPLE I need to follow this blog ("Considerable Grace") on Facebook (in order to have enough “followers” to have my feed pulled every hour), I’m adding in this OPTION:

If your name is drawn this Sunday (Aug 23) and you win the prize, you can CHOOSE either my video series ("Living the Gospel in Relationships") OR The Peacemaker Small Group Study.

I know that most of you already HAVE my study, so I thought this might encourage you to sign up. And if you already have both? Maybe you can share the series with a friend, pastor, or missionary?

Anyway ... here is the post that you need to SIGN UP ON in order to be in the drawing:

Follow This Blog on Facebook and You Could Win a Free DVD Bible Study

Hope this is a blessing to you!

I’m excited that we’re only NINE people away from our goal! Hooray!

And thanks again for all of the encouragement and prayers—

Yours,
Tara B.

Unlike Sophia (who did NOT like her first bath at all!), Ella just calmly enjoyed the entire pack (yes, even Lilikoi got in on the action) giving her her first bath:





Ahhhhh! We are a blessed family. And a slightly cleaner one now too with that little layer of spilled milkies having been removed from our youngest member.

G'nite & God bless!

Love,
Tara B.

Jill Carratini had another profound article in RZIM’s devotional “Slice of Infinity”:

Free Lunch

This is essay is particularly timely and meaningful to me since I am so laid up and on the receiving end of so much of what she describes:

"A director of the L’Arche community had come to visit Nouwen while he was still at Yale. She visited the campus for a few days, cooked him an enjoyable meal, and offered help in simple, practical ways. Nouwen recalls, “I expected this greeting to be followed by a request to give a lecture, write an article, or offer a retreat.” But the visit had no strings attached; she had simply come to care for him in the name of Christ. It was altogether unlike the rules of kindness Nouwen was used to. In a world where there are no free lunches, the simple act stirred deeply in his soul."

As someone who is receiving quite a bit of “simple, practical care” these days, I just wanted to say again how stirred (and grateful) my tired, fevered body and soul are.

Thank God for grace! And thank God for friends.

Yours,
Tara B.

Today I could barely function.

I woke up with a fever of 101.7 and it wavered between 101.5 and 102.5 all day long.

Talk about knocking you down further when you already feel terrible! Nothing like a fever to make even subsistence life feel unattainable.

Thankfully, two friends came over to help with the girls (or else I would’ve had to call Fred home from his first day of work—which I would’ve felt terrible about!), so Sophie and Ella actually had a wonderful day being loved on by Miss Laura and “Grandma K” (as we now get to call Mrs. Klostermeier! Hooray for Spiritual Grandparents!).

And, Fred actually had a phenomenal hot ("real") meal tonight because Grandma Fannie brought over a hearty, delicious stew. And then two more friends showed up in the evening and spent 30 minutes knocking out vacuuming of the entire house.

So I’m thinking that maybe I should be sick more often since my family’s domestic needs are taken care of SO MUCH BETTER when I’m incapacitated. But no one wants to feel this sick ...

ANYWAY, lying around, feeling miserable, I had lots of time to think about some of the particularly difficult peacemaking situations I’ve faced in the last few weeks (when I’ve felt just so completely AWFUL physically):

- We had a very bad experience with the hospital’s birth center, but a particularly awful experience related to one nurse. I don’t want to describe her as mean (because meanness has an element of intentionality and I truly don’t know her well enough to make that judgment call); but let’s just say that I was in tears more than once after having to relate with her. Plus, she was the real reason I left the hospital only 48 hours after my c-section ... I just couldn’t handle another twelve hours with her. But here’s the peacemaking question ... how should I address that when the “How did you like your stay at the family birth center?” little evaluation forms and calls come? Is it appropriate for me to share my honest feedback with these “customer care” surveys if I haven’t ever spoken to HER about my experience? Or since I chose to not engage with her (i.e., I didn’t think it was a good idea to try to confront her 12 hours post-c-section when she forced me to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom still hooked up to my I.V., pain med pump, catheter, etc. and had me, well, pretty much undressed and completely vulnerable. I just didn’t feel like I could pull out any redemptive confrontation right then. But maybe I’m just kidding myself and trying to justify my FLIGHT response.) Anyway, now I’m curious ... how do I handle the “customer care” feedback? Hmmmmm ....

- Another “peacemaking when you just feel awful” topic has to do with FAMILY RELATIONS because, oh my STARS but Fred and I have had some doozy ol' fights. (And, yes, there were a few tense moments when we had lots of relatives in and out too, but really nothing too bad with extended family relations.) Sophie has also been, ahem, adjusting to our new life (and me being gone so much / in and out of the hospital so much / even when home, out of it so much, has made things particularly hard). There were times when it felt like Fred and I were caught in that cul-de-sac of “we’ll NEVER be able to communicate with each other again!” hopelessness and I was really tempted to just GIVE UP. And I can’t tell you how hard it has been to see Sophie suffering so much with her own little heart challenges. (One particularly Freudian dream of Ella and me sailing away from Sophie on a giant ship TRULY broke my heart. Can you imagine the transition she is going through and how hard it must be? She LOVES Ella. Absolutely adores her! And then struggles with “hating” her and feels awful for feeling that way. Oh! I am so grateful that Sophie talks so openly and honestly with me and we can walk through this all together.) Here’s the peacemaking moment in all of it ... Grace really does pierce through. Stony, selfish hearts. Transitioning to “sharing” Momma and being a big sister. Feeling hopeless and helpless in marriage. Grace is greater still. We’re going to get through this.

- For the last month, I’ve been leaving phone messages and trying to track down the head of (I’m changing the facts here!), ummm, Sophie’s little sports team league because apparently, at their last practice, a male teacher made some sort of comment to the kids like, “OK, girls, if you do this right, the boys are going to blow you a kiss. But if you DON’T do this right, then YOU have to give the BOYS a kiss.” Sophie was VERY upset after their practice and I immediately pulled her out of the group until I could talk with the owner and find out a) what happened; and b) determine if the kids were safe; and c) hopefully ensure that it not happen again. So, for four weeks now (yes, from ALL of my hospital stays, including the E.R. last Thursday), I’ve been calling and calling and trying to connect with the owner. We finally talked this morning and, even though in my initial call (four weeks ago) when I asked if he knew anything about this (and he said no) and I asked him if he would look into it to figure out what happened and ensure it wouldn’t happen again (and he said he would), TODAY, he told me that ACTUALLY? He was the male teacher who made those comments and “he’s been saying such sarcastic things in fun for 20 years and no child has ever complained.” So yet another peacemaking issue for me (while fevered, while feeling horrible) .... what do I do with this information? Confront him (especially about how his story changed / four weeks ago he said it was inappropriate, now he says it’s just “sarcastic fun”)? Pull Soph from the sports league? (I honestly don’t believe she is in ANY danger. But Fred and I are in agreement that such “teasing” is NOT appropriate and we wish this teacher/owner agreed.) We decided to talk about it as a family and see how Sophie felt about it. She agreed that she is not in any danger, but that such teasing is not really the best thing. She confirmed with us that she did the right thing in telling us (OF COURSE!) because if there is EVER a situation that makes her uncomfrotable in ANY way, we want to know about it because it is our job to keep her safe. But ultimately, she decided she wants to keep participating in the sports league and just let such “sarcastic comments” (the teacher’s adjective; clearly he doesn’t understand what the word sarcasm means) roll off her back and not worry about them.

I could go on and on. (I even thought about a “peacemaking with my own body” example because after all three surgeries I’ve had in the last three weeks, my own body’s FREAKING OUT and developing an INCREDIBLY ITCHY, blistering, raised RASH has made recovery and sleep and just life in general so miserable!)

But instead, I’m going to sign off with just this one closing thought:

Peacemaking (living the gospel / living from an eternal perspective / remembering Christ) is hard enough under normal circumstances. But when we are physically weakened, emotionally drained, dealing with major stressors? It is absolutely impossible in and of our own strength.

Of course, MOST peacemaking takes place in JUST those types of situations! We’re weakened, scared, hurting, in jeopardy ... and THAT’S why the conflicts (miscommunications / personality differences / sufferings) can feel SO overwhelming.

But God gives us more grace. In our weakness, He really IS strong. We may not see a way out—everything can feel overwhelming and out of control. But nothing is out of God’s control.

And with that, Ella is beginning to stir against me, so I think it might be time for some more Momma Milkies and Baba Milkies.

G'nite all!

And thanks again for your patience with my non-blogging status.

With love,
Tara B.

I think my body needed to re-boot or something because, even though I took the smallest amount of drugs I’ve taken all week, I slept and slept and SLEPT pretty much all day yesterday. Then I felt like I could’ve slept MORE. And when I finally tried to move around even just a little bit, AGAIN I had a grouchy heart at all of the chaos & dust & dirty kitchen counters, etc.

!!!

Oh how frustrated I can be by ME. I am just SO far away from the woman I want to be.

(How grateful I am that God and my family members don’t give up on me, especially when my rough spots are revealed. Although Fred and I did have a doozy of a fight Saturday evening when we were BOTH extremely frustrated.)

Still, there were sweet evidences of grace in my day too:

- I unwrapped my knee for the first time since the second surgery, and there was NO active bleeding! HOORAY! It was extremely red and SORE—oh MY! but is it sore. But I think we’ve turned the corner and can just concentrate on healing now, so that’s great.

- Sophie and I got to enjoy some cuddle and reading time when Fred went to run errands. We’re into “On the Banks of Plum Creek” now in the Little House series and we both just LOVE it.

- When I started calling around to friends on Saturday night to try to find someone who could drive Sophie, Ella and me to church (because otherwise we would have to go 90 minutes early because Fred has worship team practice and I just didn’t think I could keep a newborn happy for an extra 90 minutes), my friend Karen said that they’d be happy to send a driver for me, but then she asked me, "WHY I was thinking about going to church AT ALL?!"

And right in that moment, on that phone call, I just started to weep.

It was like her words gave me permission to STOP; to NOT try to figure out a way to hobble around Sunday morning by myself, trying to get two little girls ready AND myself ready and THEN take care of them both during a LONG church service wherein I would need to sit upright with my knee NOT elevated for 90+ minutes; and if one of them had a need, I would be unable to move quickly to help them AND I would be completely unable to LEAVE church because I would be dependent on someone else to drive us.

And Karen said, “STAY HOME. Rest. Listen to something edifying. Don’t even think about trying to go to church.”

You know, until that moment, I hadn’t even CONSIDERED not going to church. But once I thought about it for even a few minutes, it just seemed so ridiculous to me that I had even been thinking about trying to do it.

In talking about it with Sophie and Fred, they both agreed that “the girls” should just stay home. And Soph piped up with the sweet idea of, “We can have corporate worship at home, Mom! We can read the Bible and sing hymns and pray. It’ll be great!”

So I’m missing church today. And knowing that I didn’t have to try to be active and functional in the morning, I’ve had Ella since the 4AM shift started and Fred has gotten to have some sleep. (So I actually think I’ve fallen asleep twice while typing this blog entry! Not a good sign ...)

Hope you have a wonderful Sabbath!

Sending my love,
Tara B.

Hey! Aren’t these GREAT ODDS? Only 7 people have signed up for our family’s little drawing to win a free copy of my video series ("Living the Gospel in Relationships"), so if you sign up, you’ll probably win.

Here are the details and the post to sign up on:

Follow This Blog on FaceBook and You Could Win a FREE COPY of My Video Series

Even if you already have the series, maybe you can think of a friend, church library, or missionary who would be blessed by it. I’ll send it anywhere you’d like, so do please consider joining in on our fun.

My day went pretty well. I managed to get our family’s “Christmas letter” (hah! what DO you call it when you send it in August??) mailed off alone with Ella’s baby announcement. So that actually felt like I was accomplishing something.

I am VERY disappointed in the grouchy heart I had when I finally made it out of bed and began to work on all of the piles of chaos around the house. I absolutely KNEW it was going to be this way—even with the STELLAR job Fred did of keeping things going (and he really DID do a great job!), there’s just no way that things could stay orderly with me pretty much out of commission for an entire month AND with constant guests AND a new baby (hooray!) and the additional week of medical emergencies we’ve had this week.

And I really REALLY wanted to tackle the beast of chaos with a beautiful, calm heart. But I failed miserably. Grouch central. How grateful I am that God, Fred & Soph are so forgiving and merciful to me. (And how I pray that I will GROW and CHANGE even more in this sanctifying journey of life.)

Now it’s time for Fred to get a little “nap” while Ella and I tackle organizing and sending photos and photo albums out to grandparents and aunties and uncles; put laundry away; pay a few bills; send out some cards; and then, after her midnight/1AM feeding, get a little sleep. (Fred has graciously offered to take the 3AM shift as needed. What a middle-of-the-night-Papa-hero he is! )

I did something really stupid today—shifted my weight onto my bad knee when getting out of a chair while holding Ella in her Maya wrap. Doesn’t sound that major in the retelling but OH! My knee was not ready for bent-knee-weight-bearing. It was a dumb mistake and I’m paying for it now. But a gracious mistake, too, because now I have a constant reminder that I can’t do everything and I MUST slow down.

A few more days of a chaotic and dirty house is not a big deal, right? (This is what I keep trying to tell my subconscious mind.)

Last note: We sure enjoyed our visit with Fred’s mother. Soph was particularly blessed by the “Nifty Knitter” craft Chris brought and Ella got to enjoy ...



AND they made a super fun patchwork quilt/pillow out of some of Sophie’s favorite fabrics from dresses and hats and PJ’s Chris has made for her over the years:





OK. Fred needs to get some sleep, so I need to scoot.

Hope your weekend is a blessed one!

Sending my love,
Tara B.

Just a note to let you know that I’m about to be rolled into surgery again—this time to hopefully identify and cauterize/close off the vein that just won’t stop bleeding.

Fred has Ella and Sophie at home, so I’m toughing it out here in the E.R. by myself and will have to come out of general anesthesia alone too. (That’s always so disorienting.)

But I’m not feeling scared—so that’s a huge answer to prayer. I’m actually feeling hopeful that this thing can get taken care of and we can move on with our lives.

Thanks for the prayers and encouraging notes too!

Yours,
Tara B.

Well ... these two days have not been at all what I expected or wanted.

The extraordinary amount of blood coming out of my knee (over and over again) terrified me. In my sleepless night, replaying it over and over again in my mind, I realized that I’ve never been around anything like that. I’m not in the medical profession. I’ve never been in a car accident or around anyone who has been shot. So other than that horrible, last-scene-in-E.R.-when-the-loved-one-dies, HOLLYWOOD fake blood situation, I really have no point of real-life reference for it.

And it really scared me.

Plus, of course, my little picture of doing Ella’s baby book downstairs while my mother-in-law was here for her visit and we all just hung out together went, you know, completely away. Instead, I’ve been upstairs. Immobile. In pain. Staring at my bedroom ceiling (when not trying to be distracted by The Closer and/or Burn Notice. Hooray for hulu.com!), unable even to hold Ella for very long because I don’t trust myself to not drop her.

BUT THEN ... but then ...

God is so gracious to mercifully speak to me, convict me, encourage me, rebuke me, and comfort me by His Spirit, through His Word. And even in this disorienting time when I have not gotten what I “wanted”, but have instead faced an entirely different set of circumstances, I must say that I am grateful.

Grateful that even though tomorrow morning’s decision point scares me (I will find out if I have to go BACK into more surgery to cauterize this vein) ... at least I have medical care and help and it’s going to ultimately be OK.

Grateful that, in addition to nursing, Ella has taken a bottle her entire life (just like Sophie), so none of these meds has been any risk to her at all. What a grace!

And most of all, grateful that I am not in control of my life. But God is. So even though I don’t understand this and I never would’ve chosen it (and I’m trying SO hard to not feel GUILTY about it because HAD I KNOWN this bleeding complication was going to happen, I NEVER NEVER would’ve tried to get this knee problem dealt with two-weeks-post-c-section) ... God is sovereign and I can trust Him.

And with that, I’m going to try to get a little sleep now.

(Oh! How I hope I won’t wake up to the blood-soaked-through-everything morning like yesterday! But even if I do, I’m going to be OK, right? This is what I keep trying to tell myself ...)

Hope your Wednesday was uneventful and even blessed for you!

G'nite and grace to you—

Yours,
Tara B.

Just a quick note to let you know that we’re home and the doctor wasn’t too concerned—but he (and the nurse who removed the blood soaked bandages) both agreed that it was wise for us to have gone in. It really was incredible how much blood there was—apparently there must be an unhappy vein in there.

Oh, and if you don’t yet follow me on FaceBook and you have no idea what I’m talking about, this was the post Fred & I put up from the E.R. a couple of hours ago:

"It’s 10:00PM and we’re at the Emergency Room. My “should just be three tiny little steri-strips over 1/4 inch cuts” wound care has, for some unknown reason, completed SOAKED my bandages in dark blood. So we’re here to a) get things checked out; and b) get some help redressing these wounds b/c OH MY STARS, that’s a lot of blood. Thanks for your prayers."

I was actually embarrassed to have gone in (I hate to waste doctor/nurse/E.R. time!) right up until the doctor was done, had left the room, and my knee started gushing ridiculously dark blood again. Scary! But good to have happened right there, right then. I’m chalking that up to prayer.

So now we’re home. I’m holding my therapy right here on my boppy (I was SO stressed in the E.R.! My BP was 155/102 and usually I’m a 108/69 kind of gal) and hoping that Fred and my mother in law can get some sleep soon. Oh, and me too I guess.

Here’s to hopin' this blog will return to its regularly scheduled programming one of these days ...

Thanks for all of your grace! G'nite and God bless—

Yours,
Tara B.

Baby is here.
Knee surgery is over.
So much to celebrate!

Don’t you think it’s time for another WIN FREE STUFF FROM THE BARTHELS GIVEAWAY?! Sounds like fun to me.

(Plus, I only need 25 more of you 1,000+ weekly readers to follow my blog on FaceBook to be able to have content pulled every HOUR, so that’s another motivation. )

Here’s the scoop / lawyerly-Tara-fine-print details for how you can win one free copy of my video series ("Living the Gospel in Relationships"):

1. SIGN UP to follow this blog ("Considerable Grace") on Facebook;

2. Leave a COMMENT ON THIS POST by 5PM (Mtn) Sunday, August 23 letting me know you’ve done so; and

3. CHECK BACK by Sunday, August 30 to see if you’ve won and if you have, make sure I have your mailing address. (If I don’t have your mailing address by August 30, I’ll choose another winner.)

(Or, in the alternative, if you ALREADY follow this blog on FaceBook, just leave a comment on this post by 8/23 and check back by 8/30 and I’ll enter you in the drawing too. No way I would want to fail to include you in the fun!)

Hope this is a blessing to you, dear blog friends.

Back to resting now—

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Just to remind you ... I HATE SPAM and I will never, NEVER give your contact information to ANYONE or bug you with garbage emails. So even if (like me!) you hate to enter drawings and giveaways because you guard your email address/contact information carefully, you really can enter without fear. No one will ever see your contact information except Fred and me. Well, and Ella if she peeks over her Maya Wrap.

PPS
I am still VERY fuzzy from my pain meds, so if these instructions don’t make sense or I need to clarify something, would one of you pretty please let me know? Thanks much!

PPSS
Since we only had 7 people signed up as of Friday, I went ahead and extended the drawing by one week. More fun for more people that way, I hope.

PPPSSS
It’s Wednesday now and to sweeten the pot a bit and tempt the last NINE PEOPLE I need to follow this blog ("Considerable Grace") on Facebook, I’m adding in this OPTION:

If your name is drawn this Sunday (Aug 23) and you win the prize, you can CHOOSE either my video series ("Living the Gospel in Relationships") OR The Peacemaker Small Group Study.

I know that most of you already HAVE my study, so I thought this might encourage you to sign up. And if you already have both? Maybe you can share the series with a friend, pastor, or missionary?

Hope this is a blessing to you!

I’m excited that we’re only NINE people away from our goal! Hooray!

Just a quick note to thank you for the prayers and sweet notes of encouragement too! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to hear from you all, especially when (like yesterday) I feel melancholy and scared. God truly has created us for community (with Him, with others) and He really does minister His mercy so often through people. So thanks again!

Everything went great this morning with my knee surgery and I really hopeful that I’ll be able to recover quickly and well. A few more days of rest and then on to some HEALTH GOALS. (I obviously have a long way to go to continue to work on being a healthier and more active woman. Sophie & Ella sure are great motivators when it comes to thinking about applying myself (again!) to healthier living.)

But not today. Today, other than a few quad sets and other mild physical therapy goals that I do while sitting, I’m giving myself permission to just REST with my pillows, ice packs, and fuzzy-brain-inducing-pain-meds. Oh, and occasionally cuddle with the world’s sweetest five year old, two-week-old, and hubby too. I am a very blessed woman.

Hope your Monday is going well! Grandma Chris and Sophie are sewing downstairs; Fred and Eleanor are snoozing right next to me in the bed; Lilikoi is COMPLETELY freaked out by my crutches, poor love, and won’t come near me when I hobble around.

Signing off for now–

Gratefully,
Tara B.

Sorry that I wasn’t clear! (I’ve gotten too many emails and FB notes and blog comments from too diverse a group of people to “blame” anyone but myself for all of the, “What surgery tomorrow?!” questions.)

I have to have a teeny-tiny-but-REALLY-HURTS-when-it-bumps-up-against-my-knee-cap bone chip removed from my right knee tomorrow.

It really shouldn’t be a big deal. Unlike my other (three!) knee surgeries, this one should be very minor and easy to recover from. Up until today, I was actually looking forward to it because it will hopefully help me to be more active and healthy.

(But today, I think it’s just because of physical and mental exhaustion, I’m feeling a little scared.)

ANYWAY ... 6AM arrival for 7:20AM surgery. (Just like for Ella! Only this time, I’ll only leave with a cryo-cuff and crutches, no sweet little baby.) And hopefully my excruciating knee pain will subside for the first time in, oh, nine months or so.

Thanks again for your patience with my non-blogging-status. One of these days, I’ll pull it together, right?

Sending my love,
Tara B.

I received this timely question from one of my blog readers last week. (I say timely because we had just discussed this very topic as a family—my sister and her Fred, Fred & I—the very day this woman wrote.)

Rather than only email her, I thought I’d post the question and my response here and invite you all to share your thoughts too, if you are so inclined.

Here is her question:

"Dear Tara,

[Personal greeting, etc. ...]

If I remember correctly, your sister is not a Christian. I too have numerous family members who are not believers. Here’s my question: Have you discussed that at all with Sophie? (I realize she is very young for that conversation.) When you talked about comforting her with Heaven being the Eternal Hello, it made me wonder. I dread having any unbelievers in our family die, because I have no idea how I would comfort my kids. Anyway, this post just really got me to thinking.

If this topic is too personal or too painful, I totally understand ...

And my response:

"Dear [name],

What a great question! And timely too. (Kali & Fred & Fred & I were JUST discussing this very topic earlier today.)

Yes, we have discussed Heaven and Hell with Sophia, and in particular in relation to our beloved family members who are not Christians. (Our Catechism work kind of “forced the issue” because there are questions on both the death of Believers and unbelievers; plus, of course, lots of questions on the gospel, how a person is saved by faith, by grace, etc.)

My sister and her Fred are SO supportive of us as parents and SO respectful of our convictions that they have literally offered to PRETEND to be Christians just so Sophie doesn’t have to worry about this issue. But of course we have said, “No way! We love you just the way you are and we would never want you to have to pretend or lie.”

That being said, they do know that our deepest desire is that they would put their faith in the finished work of Christ and be born again. (They have literally said those words to us so I know this is true.) However, they also know that we delight in them and love them and we don’t want them to be anything other than who they are.

Of course, none of us wants Sophie to be overly fearful of her most beloved, dearest friend relatives going to Hell. So this is how we talk about such things:

“Sophie, yes, Heaven and Hell are real. All human beings have souls that will last forever and yes, some people go to Heaven and some people go to Hell. Right now, Uncle Fred and Aunt Kali have said that they do NOT put their faith in Christ and so, yes, they are not Christians. However, we will continue to pray for them and hopefully, one day, they will be saved by God. That is our prayer and we can 100% TRUST GOD that He ALWAYS does the right thing. We don’t have to be afraid. He is holy AND merciful. He knows His children. NOT ONE will be lost.

What about other relatives who have ALREADY died? Well, honey, only God knows their hearts. And again, if they were His children, then they are absolutely 100% no doubt in Heaven right now. Nothing can keep God’s children from Him. Nothing at all. So let’s love God and trust God and focus on Him and His glorious grace, OK? He is such a merciful and good God.”

When we discussed that with Kali and her Fred they both felt that was a fair and accurate reflection of what is true from all of our perspectives—and also that this will hopefully comfort Sophie and not be troubling to her.

Hope this helps!

Really appreciate your email, [name]. I’m not sure I would’ve blogged on this otherwise, but man! I really need to get back to blogging one of these days/weeks.

Feel free to write back if I can help further—only I might be a few days delayed in responding again. THANK YOU for your patience.

Yours,
Tara B.

My mother-in-law, Grandma Chris, arrived Thursday night and her two youngest grandchildren are enjoying her immensely:



Her flight arrived on time and she was able to catch Sophia’s Suzuki Book 1 Recital (accompanied by Uncle Tom):





I spent three hours at Orthopedics & Sports Medicine yesterday for all of my pre-op appointments. Can’t really believe we have to be at the hospital at 6AM Monday morning for another surgery. Yeep!

Thanks for all of your grace re: my non-blogging status. (Your comments and emails are so sweet and encouraging.) I’m keeping a list of things I WANT to blog on one of these days ...

Hope your weekend is restful!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
These are LONG movies so unless you’re really interested in a five year old playing the violin, you may want to pass on them. But if you’d like to hear Sophia’s recital, here are the two movies that captured the precious evening:

Read my first blog in over a week and really enjoyed this article from Carolyn McCulley:

Crush Catalyst

Having prayed for my single friends (and, I have to say, been a bit of a crush catalyst in my life—though nowhere NEAR the professional level of our dear Miss Carolyn), I do so rejoice when my single friends are happy and content in their singleness AND when they are happily married too.

Two men I have most enjoyed and loved as friends are now happily paired off—one married for the first time in his forties and now enjoying a little child too; another happily paired off in his twenties. Both of whom I prayed and prayed for a godly wife who would DELIGHT in their wonderfulness.

Currently, I am praying in particular for a husband for a young woman in our church who is just, well, I think one of the loveliest and most interesting, beautiful, intelligent, godly, FUN, musically-gifted, brilliant and yet gentle, theologically-astute, maternal and nurturing women I have ever met.

("Why is she single then?", you may ask. Ahhhhh — remember where we live. The state where livestock outnumbers humans 12 to 1. Not a lot of PEOPLE more or less MEN to choose from around here. But if you know someone who would like to meet a really special lady ... )

Anyway—hope you enjoy Carolyn’s article.

I think I’m going to have to leave my blog reading at just one for tonight. I’m trying to get ready for a co-op meeting tomorrow and also find the energy to stay up until Ella needs to nurse again at midnight. (Somehow going to sleep for only an hour and then having to get up again hurts even WORSE than just staying awake.)

Blessings to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

It is Monday night and Fred is at a Deacon’s Meeting and the Barthel girls are getting to enjoy Uncle Tom all to ourselves ...

Sophie has learned some behind-the-scenes stories about Stories from the Opera:



Ella Marie enjoyed a sweet nap, but then soiled her first relative’s shirt. (Good thing Uncle Tom is such a good sport! )



Even Girlie Barthel Lilikoi got in on the Uncle Tom Action and enjoyed some playtime outside (replete with a little strawberry harvest courtesy of Soph and a little FETCH courtesy of a sweet Golden Retriever):



Off to more nursing and bedtime routines for my precious little ones—
(while Uncle Tom practices his music for Laura Dalbey’s Recital this Thursday night).

Oh, oh, oh! I am a blessed woman.

- Literally–kissing a baby’s head as I type this.
- A Golden at my feet.
- A precious five year-old reading on the couch.
- My dear brother-in-law creating God-glorifying music.
- A husband away from home (though he would prefer to be with us!)—all to diaconally serve The Bride.

I could never merit this life.

Oh, that I not squander it.
Oh, that I live for the Next Life.

G'nite, all!

With love,
Tara B.

We had a very long time of weeping yesterday once it hit Sophia that Kali and Fred would be leaving Monday morning. She just grieves and grieves whenever she has to say goodbye to loved ones.

How good it was to comfort her with the biblical truth that Heaven will be the Eternal Hello. No more goodbyes. Oh! How we long for the Eternal Hello of our Real Life.

This morning’s transition was eased by two more sets of presents from Kali and Fred ...

Super cute “Big Sister / Little Sister” t-shirts. (Sophie got quite a kick out of the fact that SHE is the BIG sister and I am the LITTLE sister.)



They also brought her a SAN FRANCISCO bag of goodies (Ghirardelli chocolates, a San Francisco coloring book, books about fun things to do in the city for kids, etc.) and a GORGEOUS set of pajamas from China Town:



So now we are four for one more hour before Uncle Tom arrives. Thanks to Super-Freddy, linens are washed and switched over and floors are vacuumed and mopped. Ella is snoozing against my chest in her Maya Wrap (I LOVE MAYA WRAPS!!) and I’m going to do a little dusting, 409'ing, and Swiffering now.

One of my first thoughts this morning was, “O Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder, consider all the works Thy hands have made. I see the stars. I hear the rolling thunder. Thy power throughout the universe displayed. Then sings my soul! My Savior God to Thee ... HOW GREAT THOU ART! How great Thou art.”

He truly is great.

Hope your Monday is going well! We get to pick up Ella’s baby announcements today. Fun fun!

Sending my love,
Tara B.

How easy it was to get ready for church this morning with my little helper ...



And how happy Ella was in Uncle Fred’s arms this afternoon ...



(Still trying to come up for air around here. Hoping to really blog again one of these days soon ...)