considerable grace

When you live in a desert (as we do here in Montana), you don’t get a lot of rain.

Sophie is FASCINATED by windshield wipers (since we only turn them on a few times a year), water “running UP” on car windows, and pretty much everything associated with rain.

And it appears that her little sister enjoys rain too ...



(Can you see the little raindrops?)

We had a good day, but an exhausting one. Fred’s going to take the first shift with Ella because I have to get up very early tomorrow to go and see my allergy doc at 7AM. I’m (finally!) going to get these allergens OFF of my skin. I cannot wait.

G'nite and sweet dreams!

Yours,
Tara B.

(& Ella & Sophia too ...)

Without getting into the complexities of major offenses (involving criminal activities, civil authorities, etc.) ...

Thinking only of the relatively mundane (but truly hurtful!) real-life conflicts that we all face in our workplaces, marriages, parenting, friendships, churches, schools, etc ...Have you ever thought (or even SAID) something like this?

"Sure. I forgive you. You bet. No problem. [But NOW I know the REAL YOU and I know to never EVER be real with you or trust you again.]"

It’s almost as though we know we “HAVE TO” forgive, so we offer some token “Christian” words. But all the while, we are closing down our hearts. Tight. Locked. "You can’t hurt me again."

If you’re familiar with the Foundational Principles of Peacemaker Ministries, then you know that such a (human! understandable! but wrong) attitude clearly violates the last promise of The Four Promises of Forgiveness:

1. “I will not dwell on this incident.”
2. “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.”
3. “I will not talk to others about this incident.”
4. “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

In Peacemaking Women, Judy and I expand that fourth promise and explain it like this:

"I will not avoid you or neglect our relationship. Instead, I will pray, allow time, and faithfully labor towards our continued reconciliation and the true restoration of our relationship ...

True forgiveness sets us free to work toward restoration of the relationship. As is often the case, we may not feel like close friends at the end of the peacemaking process even though we have reached a point of reconciliation. This is because the need for restoration still exists. To better understand this concept, it is helpful to make the distinction between reconciliation and restoration.

Think of the analogy of a broken bone. If a leg is broken, the doctor sets the bone and the gap is healed (reconciled). This is what happens when someone confesses to us and we forgive her. In the same way that a freshly set bone is not ready to bear weight, a broken relationship, newly reconciled, often needs time and help to be fully restored. A broken bone might need a cast or physical therapy for complete restoration. The same thing happens to a relationship following reconciliation. It often takes prayer, time, and focused effort to build trust back into a formerly broken relationship. A good rule of thumb: the greater the fracture, the longer the recovery time. Just as a healed bone that never bears weight will never grow stronger, relationships that are avoided or neglected will never grow stronger. God’s grace and mercy enable us to strengthen reconciled relationships. We may send cards or emails, take extra time to share a gift that truly communicates love, or any other countless acts of kindness that communicate our commitment to the relationship. Reconciliation is an event, but restoration is a process that slowly restores the relationship."

I struggle even as I read the words we wrote because. Well. Honestly? When I’ve really been hurt by someone, I don’t even want to look them in the EYE more or less WORK HARD to rebuild and restore the relationship.

But Love compels me:

"And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother." 1 John 4:21

Oh! How I thank God that He never calls us to do something without giving us the grace to obey.

Sending my love,
Tara B.

Just a quick note to let you all know that Ella slept through the entire night! (But it happened to be the very night that Sophia got sick and was up six to eight times, poor love. So I’m still a very tired Momma Tara.)

And also wanted to thank you for praying for my beloved mother-in-law and her mother, Great Grandma ("GG"), as GG went Home to be with the Lord last night and as far as anyone could tell, did not experience pain at the end. What a praise! (But, sadly, the services need to be held in just a few days, so only one of us grand-daughters-in-law and one family’s great-grandchildren can be present. Sophie and I are particularly sad about this, but so happy that she is enjoying Heaven right now!)



(That is one of my favorite photos of them. It was taken last December on the very day we told GG that I was pregnant with Eleanor! She prayed for all of us regularly and I know that, in particular after we lost our baby in 2007, GG has been faithfully praying for us re: having another baby. And I truly believe she prayed Ella into LIFE this year!)

'Course, all of this means that having just about gotten Fred unpacked from his week away for the Peacemaker Conference, I now need to pack him up for this week away to be with his family. And within hours of his return next week, I need to leave for Texas for my last women’s event of the fall.

So I guess we’ll see each other in November ...

Not to complain, of course. I’m guessing you military women (who REALLY know what TRUE sacrifice and separation is!) must have a hard time with us “my husband is away for two weeks how will I keep small children alive!?!” women. Thanks in advance for your grace!

Because I really am wondering how the next two weeks are going to go with Sophia sick, Fred gone, and me having to leave too.

Oh, and get this! At the allergist this morning, I was (gently) rebuked because apparently, I should have GONE BACK SOONER when one of the allergens itched SO BADLY Monday and Tuesday. I just thought it was doing its thing and we’d find out what I’m allergic to. Well ... yes. We now know what I’m allergic to, but I’m also having to deal with a little wound care because I unwittingly let it develop into an open sore that now needs to heal.

Calgon take me away!

(My sister and I are thinking about printing up t-shirts that say something to the effect of, “Well. Apparently I’m not going to make it.” But of course we shall.)

Hope your week is going well and is not quite as eventful as ours—

All the best,
Tara B.

PS
On an interesting note, a website entitled Christian Prudent Women linked over to me today. I don’t know the author or much about the site, but you may want to check it out. Oh, and HELLO if you’re visiting from there! We’re glad you stopped by.

PPS
Don’t forget that you can follow this blog on FaceBook and have the feed automatically updated on your FB account. One less stop to make in your day!

Today I had a very uncomfortable few hours wherein I wrestled with this reality:

I was being required to do something that I simply could not do.

It wasn’t immoral or illegal. (Thank God! I’d had THAT situation erupt as a first year associate attorney back in Chicago and I have to say, it’s shocking and horrible when you have to face that, “How will I respond?!?” question re: ethics / convictions / and your ability to pay back $73,000 in grad school loans. I chose to walk away, of course. But it was a frightening / the room is SPINNING / who am I REALLY kind of moment.)

Today was much less exciting or important. My limitations simply abutted a rule/policy and OH MY OH MY! I just couldn’t figure out a plan on what to do.

At first I was angry. (My initial, emotional response was, “This is SO not wise!” But of course, when I took a breath and thought about it rationally, I knew that it was.)

Then I just wanted to run away. (I really do like the “Escape Zone” of the Slippery Slope.)

But finally, by God’s grace, I realized this: If I couldn’t do what was being required of me, that was probably a fairly good indicator from the Lord that I am not the right person for this particular area of service.

And that was really, truly, 100% OK with me.

I never really WANTED to serve in this way. It just seemed like a good/wise opportunity to serve and bless.

I am absolutely SURE that someone else can serve better.

So my heart (and spinning/racing MIND!) really started to CALM DOWN when I realized:

"Hey! I can’t do this. Either someone else is going to be able to do this OR this particular ministry will simply fold OR the people in leadership will re-evaluate the wisdom of their decision / help come up with a creative solution, etc. In any case. IT’S OK, TARA. Let it GO."

A tiny bit of growth, eh?

And to think ... I’m only almost-40. By almost-80, I might have the teeniest, tiniest bit of maturity to me.

("But for sure in Heaven." As Sophia always reminds me.)

Hope your day was a blessed one and either you WEREN’T required to do something you cannot do OR you came to clarity faster and easier than me.

G'nite, all!

Yours,
Tara B.

We’re all thrilled to have Fred back home, of course, but I’ve been a little surprised at the difficulties in our readjustment period too. There simply aren’t any miscommunications, spats, or “expectation-experience gaps” to navigate when you’re making all of the daily decisions yourself. Tiny inconveniences, of course. We would never want it any other way. But still ... I’m needing to flex a little.

I’m also REALLY REALLY uncomfortable because my BACK is coated in medical patches, tape, and all sorts of allergens. We’re hoping to figure out what exactly it is that I keep reacting to whenever I have surgery so that we can avoid it in the future. I’m happy about that, but OH MY STARS! It’s going to be an uncomfortable four days.

But here’s the real reason for the title of this post ...

I just discovered that Fred is a really, really good RECORDER PLAYER. Sophie and he are downstairs right now, learning fingerings, figuring out notes, and playing duets. Fred is also, apparently, reliving some Christmas pageant from 1978 when he and his brother did a duet of “O Holy Night.” On recorders.

Here’s my real question: What does it say about me that I’m even MORE attracted to him now that I know about this hidden recorder talent?

(We would’ve been quite a little geeky couple in junior high or high school, don’t you think?)

Oh, and HAPPY TWO MONTH birthday, Eleanor Marie. You light up our lives with your cuddles and grins and lovies. (And your sister REALLY loves to be matchies with you.)

Hope your week is a blessed one, everyone!

Yours,
Tara B.

We sure had a fun day with TJ, Samara, Scout and William:



Only one more day until Fred comes home to his girls:



Hope your Saturday was a blessed one!

Yours,
Tara B.

With Fred out of town, I had a fairly strong feeling that I would go one of two ways in my survival mode:

- Complete slacker mode (Fred would come home to our current state of chaos, which he wouldn’t notice or mind)

- Try-to-be-a-little-diligent mode (Fred would come home to a little more order, which he wouldn’t notice but he would be sweet and appreciative of once it was pointed out to him)

Today, I’ve dabbled a bit in the latter and I have to say, it’s been quite enjoyable.

Every time Eleanor slept, I tried to either give Sophia focused time/cuddles/attention OR tackle the BEAST of the arts and crafts supplies that have literally been on our basement floor for over a month now:



The first thing I had to do was figure out WHERE to put them.

Currently, we’re doing a lot of our projects out in our dining room. So rather than store them in a closet in the basement and then have to LUG them up and down the stairs every time we wanted to use them, I decided to empty my dining hutches and put THAT stuff (that I use MAYBE once or twice a year) down in a closet in the basement.





It was a lot of work to purge (throw away/donate), re-order, and then MOVE everything. But it was worth it!

Sophie and I are very excited to have our supplies so accessible!



I’m also hoping to purge out some living room drawers that are really wasting space currently (filled with things we rarely/never use):



But I haven’t quite gotten that far yet. I’ve included the above photo only to bolster my claim at events that I can’t keep plants alive. (Look at that poor thing! We call him “Deac” because my mom and stepdad sent it to Fred when he was ordained as a deacon in our little church. Poor ol' Deac. He’s a trooper.)

Anyway ...

It’s been a nice day of rest, play, and a little diligence. And now I’m hoping to catch a bit of sleep if at all possible tonight.

My heart is burdened though, and I would ask you to please say a prayer for my mother in law, Chris, and her mother, our ‘GG’ (Great Grandma) who is dying imminently, probably tonight. GG has longed to go Home for years (even decades?) now. I believe she is 97 or 98 years old and she is eager for Heaven. But the process of dying can be hard, painful, and frightening. And Chris is a widow (Fred’s father died when Fred was still a teenager), and we are all so far away. I just hate that we’re not there to help and simply be present! But the Lord knows and I know He is with them.

We’re hoping to be able to at least get Fred out to the memorial service. I don’t think there’s any way we could afford to get Sophie and me there, but I reminded Fred that Ella could fly for no extra cost. (I’m just selfishly wondering if I could be away from her for so long ... Of course I would do it if I have to.)

Thanks for praying! And for letting me share my organizing day with you.

G'nite and God bless—

Yours,
Tara B.

“If a person has impeccable theology but no love and no joy, I am suspicious of his theology. He hasn’t understood the first thing.” Andree Seu

We had a great day today. Our friend came over and stayed all the way through dinner (which was particularly helpful as I had to run out for two doctor appointments during the day). She even happily had another stellar “fit for a 5 year old” REAL FRIEND dinner with us of (I’m so embarrassed to even say this!): a corn dog and a bowl of fruit. (Actually the fruit was great; but a corn dog? Oh, Tara. Not cool.)

Two sweet highlights from my day included finding clearance and close-to-matchies cream shirts to go under the dresses Grandma Chris just made for the girls AND enjoying a brief walk with our friend, Miss Dianne, Lilikoi, Ella, and Sophie. We were quite an invasion force moving down the sidewalk—but it was so great to get some fresh air, enjoy the fall evening, and just have a little activity.

Tomorrow Sophia and I plan to have a girls' day PAJAMA DAY. Other than a little diligence re: Bible and orchestra music, we’re taking a break for our duties and just enjoying each other, Ella, and some new library books and some new Magic Treehouse CDs. Oh, and I’m going to tackle a few pockets of resistance around the chaos and disorder of our home. I have a new plan I’m going to try out with a couple of our busiest (and most clutter-prone!) areas. I’ll let you know how/if it works out.

Hope your Thursday was a blessed one!

G'nite,
Tara B.

We dropped Fred off at the airport this morning, after a nice, slow morning at home that even allowed for some cuddles and conversation while Ella stirred.

Then we were able to gas up our little Honda (which was way closer to “E” than I prefer it to be) and I talked with Sophia about what a grace it was to be able to simply go to the gas station and purchase the gas we need. (I can remember many years of life when that wasn’t true for me.)

A little violin lesson. Time at women’s study. (WHAT a tremendous group of women! I learn so much from them. Plus, they make me LAUGH!) Taking care of my friend’s children (so she can volunteer at the Crisis Pregnancy Center). And then home for milkies for Ella and dinner with a dear friend.

And may I just point out that this was a REAL FRIEND kind of dinner ... Status of house? Utter chaos. And I mean UTTER. On top of chaos, there is dust & Golden Retriever hair. And for dinner? Left over chicken, Mac-n-Cheese, and GRAPES. A real feast fit for a king, eh? But oh! How sweet life is when we have even one friend who accepts us as we are and enters into our life without criticism and judgment; and who even jumps in and HELPS. (I mentioned my concern about having the girls alone for four nights because I’m just not sure I’m going to get any sleep AT ALL and I might be a total wreck by Saturday. She even offered to come over and sleep over and help with Ella. Now that’s a friend.)

We also had two GRANDMA blessings in our day ...

Fred’s mom sent the sweetest set of dresses for Sophia, Eleanor, and Sophie’s DOLL:



And my “Christian mom” (the mother of the family I lived with in high school after my mom’s suicide attempt) / Grandma Livingston sent this adorable little outfit for Ella:



We did get to Skype with Fred, so that was fun. Even Lilikoi (our Golden Retriever) was interacting with him.

And now it’s almost midnight and Ella is still wide awake, so I’m wide awake. (AND my floor is SOPPING WET because I RAN out of the shower still soaped-up and shampoo'd-up in response to Ella’s HYSTERICAL SCREAMS AND CRIES right in the middle of her sleeping soundly. (I thought I had, you know, 10 minutes to try to get clean. But nope. I was just glad she was OK. As soon as I got to her (drip drip dripping), she stopped crying, her eyes lit up, she made a big smile and COOOOOOOO’D at me. Yes. Truly. A great survival mechanism if ever there was one.)

Hope you get more sleep than me tonight!

Sending you love from a tired, but happy friend,
Tara B.

I’ve only poked around for 2 minutes, so I have no idea if there is objectionable stuff ... so caveat emptor!

But thanks to CakeWrecks, I enjoyed stumbling onto this website/blog and I’m hoping to read more whenever (if ever?) have a few minutes to poke around and read things like blogs:

The Pioneer Woman

I just finished packing up ALL of the remaining orders from Iowa ... so hopefully you will be receiving them before too long.

Only one week late! I’m glad to get them in the mail to you. PLEASE let me know if I made any errors. My brain is very fuzzy these days and I promise to do everything I can to fix things ASAP if I’ve messed anything up.

I’m going to pack Fred for his trip to the Peacemaker Conference now and then hopefully get a little sleep tonight.

I would really appreciate your prayers for my mom as she found out today that she has to have bypass surgery on an artery in her leg. I’m sure it’s a frightening night for her alone in the hospital and I’m really praying that the Lord will comfort her.

You know, my mom is truly one of my dearest friends and I’m so grateful that I’ve gotten to be a mom with her still alive. I’ve been grateful for every day I’ve had with her as an adult friend. (Yes, even the day of the “Oops! Gave away my email” mess up. )

I don’t know what God’s plan is for the rest of her days, but I’m mostly praying (of course) that her faith will be in finished work of Christ. Alone. Fully. What a joy it would be to have fellowship with her in Heaven for eternity.

Much to be grateful for today around here—but I must sign off now or I will be a complete pile of mush brain at co-op tomorrow. (And Tuesdays are long enough days even with a little sleep.)

Blessings to you!

G'nite,
Tara B.

Well ... given the grouchy, grumbly response I had to the fact that my mother (inexplicably!) gave MY email address (my GOOD email address, not my SPAM/throw away email address) to a travel reservation website, I am sorely convicted that, apparently, my email address is an idol in my sin-sick heart.

Yes, what she did was unwise. But it was a mistake and there is absolutely NO way she meant to inconvenience me (more or less hurt me) in any way.

If my heart were not so focused on ME, I would have instinctively responded with patience and kindness (and a gentle, but firm request that she NEVER give my email address out to ANYONE ever, ever again).

Thankfully, God convicted me and in my call BACK to her, I was able to make such a request (AFTER apologizing for being a jerk in our first call). She’s very forgiving, so I think we’re squared away OK.

But I’m still (obviously) struggling a bit having just received the first of what I assume will be thousands of SPAM survey/etc. emails from this company. (And yes, of course, as soon as I found out what happened, I went to their privacy policy (which was a cul de sac of statements none of which lead to an “opt out” solution) and tried to unsubscribe from everything that is about to flood my Inbox. But, of course, those options were fake too.)

So apparently God is going to use this (minor! but very real!) inconvenience to show me more of my heart that is in desperate need of further sanctification.

Just like He did MOMENTS after we took communion at church today ...

I wanted to get Ella out of the service during the last song so that she wouldn’t be re-exposed to all of these flus and bugs and colds we have going through our community. So I took her out of the sanctuary and looked for our car seat in the closet (where I ALWAYS put it). No car seat. So I went out in the rain to the car, thinking maybe Fred left it in the car for some reason. Nope. No car seat.

So I headed BACK into the church building just as everyone was getting out of the service. And I was so tempted to be frustrated and angry with Fred! Moments after receiving the body and blood of Jesus. Moments after being reminded in a Sunday School and a church service of how great and holy God is, and yet how merciful He is too.

And I’m tempted to be mad at my husband over such a little nothing.

You know, it’s times like these that I USED TO really question whether I was even a Christian. “How could a CHRISTIAN be such a selfish jerk?!” I would wonder. A LOT.

But now? By God’s grace, times like these are turning into (embarrassing, yes, but REAL LIFE) precious reminders of just how compassionate and gracious God REALLY IS to sinners. How our relationship with Him truly IS dependent on HIM (and not our good works). How perfection WILL COME. Absolutely. For sure. We ARE going to get our acts together one of these days ...

That’s called Heaven. And we will be with Him and like Him, for we shall see Him as He truly is. HIS sanctifying work in us will be complete and we will struggle with sin no longer.

Oh! How I long for that day.

"Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is." 1 John 3:2

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

I’m hesitant to even mention this because I feel like such a hypochondriac. But my friend reminded me today that if you actually have real things wrong with you, you’re not a hypochondriac. SO ... I guess I’m just a falling apart HIGH MAINTENANCE woman because today I just barely avoided being sent in for what would’ve been my fourth surgery of the summer. Blech!

Apparently, my body felt like giving me one tiny (but painful and inconvenient because of all of the blood) little challenge called a pyogenic granuloma. It’s just a little (but growing) thingy (official medical term is “growth”) that bleeds and bleeds and SHOULDN’T be painful, but since I waited, oh, a MONTH or so to actually talk to my doctor about it, mine is extremely painful because it’s INFECTED.

The normal way to get rid of it is a minor surgery to cut it out, cauterize, and stitch back up. But since mine is on my index finger, under the nail, at the tip (which we humans use A LOT in daily life), they decided to first try freezing it with liquid nitrogen. Four times. (I wept and wept it hurt so badly.)

The good news is that it was easy to diagnose and I don’t feel super-stupid for having gone in to the doctor. (I felt really dumb making the appointment, “Uhhh—I have this red thing on my finger that keeps bleeding and hurts.” Seems like the kind of thing you just tough out, doesn’t it? But when Fred found out it’s been openly bleeding for a MONTH, he pretty much “ordered” me to get in to see someone.)

The bad news is, it’ll probably come back and then we’ll have to treat it again / do something else to treat it. (Plus, it’s really really REALLY sore now having been frozen/burnt. And it’s still bleeding (of course), so that makes all of life—INCLUDING TYPING—very painful and hard.)

Hence, not a lot of ol' blogging from ol' falling-apart-Tara. And not a lot of cleaning either (boy is my house dusty!). But all in all, it’s a teeny tiny inconvenience compared to the real suffering going on in the world. So I’m trying to keep a happy heart as I wince and bleed away—and I wanted to make some lame excuse for not blogging.

Hope your weekend is a blessed one AND that you do NOT google the term “pyogenic granuloma”. It is SO gross! I can’t imagine why ANYONE would EVER want to be a dermatologist. BLECH.

G'nite and God bless!

Yours,
Tara B.

I’ve been feeling a bit guilty lately that this blog has become such a “Mommy Blog” rather than a peacemaking blog. I keep thinking that I’ll be losing readers any day now, but somehow my little weekly report says otherwise (to my great surprise).

I truly hope that I’m sharing enough “real” content with you to be an encouragement to you, even though I really am in a bit of an (exhausting / feels overwhelming) life-with-a-newborn transition. The reality is, I’m going to write every day anyway (I’ve been journaling my entire life), so blogging for me comes as naturally as showering and brushing my teeth.

(Actually, these days, blogging comes EASIER than showering and brushing my teeth because I can do it while holding a baby. Is it just me, or do other new mothers have a hard time actually getting to bathe themselves on a regular basis? Somehow Ella is clean and fed all day long, but I can’t say the same thing about me.)

ANYWAY ...

I’ve actually had many peacemaking issues on my heart lately, but they are of such a nature, that I can’t discuss the details publicly:

- In one peacemaking situation, I am far removed. I don’t know the people involved. But I am friends with people who have been hurt and are concerned, and together (with very few details and no identifying information), we are crying, grieving, praying, and striving to respond in a God-honoring way.

- In another situation, I have been acting as a conflict coach to the leaders of a Christian ministry who are striving to respond wisely to a crisis in their ministry. Oh! What an honor to be contacted for help. But Oh! How my heart has been heavy and grieving for every person involved. I love to serve in the area of Christian conciliation, and I know that God is sovereign over this entire situation, but my heart still hurts. Terribly.

- In a third peacemaking situation, I am simply a friend. Someone I love has been cruelly and viciously attacked by another Christian and I am ... well ... I’m weeping, praying, emailing, and hopefully getting to TALK with her and BE with her one of these days too. Virtual communication is OK in the short-run, but sometimes, you just have to soak someone’s shirt with your weeping. And this is one of those times.

On top of those specific cases, I had the joy of serving hundreds of women last weekend, so that means that every break, every meal-time, and now in my Inbox every morning, I have the privilege of hearing about the suffering of many godly, wonderful women. Oh oh oh! This life is just so hard.

Plus, on top of peacemaking, Eleanor just CAN’T nurse. I’m sure it’s just the congestion, but it was HOURS this morning of her crying hysterically. She surely has cried more in the last two days than she has in the rest of her ENTIRE life COMBINED CUMULATIVELY. And at the 2.5 hour mark, MY tears just started to flow. I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I just wept and wept—for the frustration and difficulty of my precious little newborn suffering, sure. But also for my friend (who I tried to encourage with my favorite Dan Doriani quote ever:

"I pity you for your graceless criticism of me because it reveals the appalling condition of your heart."

MAN! She has received some graceless criticism these days.)

Fred is under extraordinary pressure and working into the wee hours of the night again. Soph is still not 100%.

And yet ... and yet ... there was much grace, even through my tears:

- I read a wonderful Andree Seu essay yesterday (probably from JUNE or something because it’s been that long since I’ve read a magazine) in which she really challenged me to check my JOY level because my theology is going to be reflected in joy. Not necessarily ease or happiness, but real, true, lasting, deep, JOY. And this morning? Even as I battled with a sinful, ungrateful heart towards Fred; even as I wept over Ella; even as I tried to encourage my friend ... I was also prayerful and I DID have joy. Or at least the hope and confidence of joy to come.

- I reached out for help. I did. It is so humbling and so embarrassing, but the truth is, with Fred leaving town all next week for the Peacemaker Conference, I really think I need some help. And even though the friend I called this morning CAN’T help next week, she did SHOW UP this morning and “DEMAND” that I hand over Ella and GET SOME REST. Just when I was all set to feel so alone ... Honestly? I was trying to find my comfort in Christ alone and I think I was doing OK. Working with Sophie, holding Ella, we were getting through our morning with our hearts resting in Christ. But it was awfully nice to see a friend, too.

One day at a time.
One moment at a time.
One breath at a time.

I couldn’t will myself into a good mood this morning by telling myself how AWFUL I am for being so ungrateful. (Beating yourself up doesn’t usually help in these situations, does it?)

I couldn’t REASON myself into a grateful heart by reminding myself “how good I have it” (which I do! I know!).

But I could cry and I could pray. I could and I did remember even one true thing about Who God is and Who I am in Christ. I could reach out for help and I could receive help (even while I’m trying to help others too).

So it’s a good day, eh? Even through my tears.
And God is a good God.

Hang in there if you’re struggling!
(And thanks for helping if you’re in a better place and HELPING those of us who are struggling.)

Sending my love,
Tara B.

In between Eleanor’s crying (poor thing!), Sophie and I have actually had a pretty nice day.

She made herself a little fort outside to simultaneously read four Narnia books (while staying in touch with me via our super cool baby-monitor-with-walkie-talkie-feature; see it there on her belt loop?):



And later in the day, we played Art Cards while holding Ella:



We’ve been playing with Art Cards since Sophie was 2 or 3 and we love them. They’ve been a great way to learn to just enjoy and discuss art AND to learn the different styles of various artists. Plus, after picking up a few inexpensive postcards from the Art Institute of Chicago and playing with them with her, many of the paintings in the permanent collection there felt like old friends when we saw them in person.

Oops! Baby’s up again so I need to scoot.

Blessings,
Tara B.

I’m enjoying the (uncharacteristically) personal and casual posts over at the IX Marks Blog (which usually is very “deep”, especially on theological issues). This one, in particular, cracked me up:

"GRANDPA: Whatcha doing, Justin?

JUSTIN: I’m fighting the bad guys.

GRANDPA: Oh, really?

JUSTIN: Yea, Jesus says we’re supposed to love our enemies. But sometimes they get out of hand and we have to shoot 'em."

(Hmmmmm ... guess I forgot to teach that peacemaking principle last weekend in Iowa.)

My Momma Heart was also quite warmed today by all of the attentive and insightful love and care that Sophia showered on our sweet, battling a cold, little Ella Marie.

Sophie’s ideas really were the best ones as Ella cried and cried (and cried and cried) ... dimming the overhead lights, maybe a little more milkies, singing “Amazing Grace” into her ears (we each took an ear and Eleanor had quite a stereo effect—and it DID calm her for a few minutes).



Oh! And Soph had her very first Billings Youth Orchestra rehearsal too:



What an HONOR and JOY it is to get to participate in an ensemble at such a young age! She was so nervous this morning. ("What if I can’t keep up with the conductor and read all of the notes?!") I just encouraged her to honor the conductor and her fellow musicians, try her best, not panic when things got too hard—but just tell herself, “Oh! That’s what we’ll practice this week. No worries.” And that’s exactly what she did.

I also told her that EVERYONE (even grownups!) get nervous when they are doing something NEW. The unknown can be scary! But God is always with her and I would be there the entire rehearsal, just in case she needed me. (Fred came home from work early to care for Ella so that I could go and give Soph 100% of my attention.)

It was a wonderful hour, and actually quite jarring to come home to an exhausted, sick Fred holding an exhausted, sick—but SCREAMING and INCONSOLABLE—Ella.

Ahhhhhhh ... ups and downs. The norm of life.

I’m thanking God for both as I try to head to a little sleep now. (I literally thanked God today for His answer of “No” to our prayers that PRETTY PLEASE Eleanor wouldn’t get this horrible cold. We prayed. He answered. And even though it’s not the answer WE would have chosen, we are trusting that His grace is sufficient. AND we’re going through LOTS of saline drops trying to help her breathe while nursing, poor little lovie.)

Hope your Monday was a blessed one!

G'nite and much love,
Tara B.

Just a quick note to the 97 of you from Iowa who placed orders with me this past weekend ...

I am SO very sorry to have to let you know that for some of you, there will be a tiny delay even for the orders that don’t include that way-too-popular-5-CD-set I mentioned was already completely sold out of on Saturday.

I worked into the night and was at the post office as soon as they opened this morning—and I was able to ship SOME of your orders. But Peacemakers just emailed me and told me that now they TOO will be delayed in getting me your resources. (I feel just terrible about inconveniencing you this way! I truly thought I had given them sufficient warning that I would need some stock, but with their Peacemaker Conference coming up in just a few days, even the best efforts of everyone there still require some extra time.)

If a delay is too inconvenient for you and you’d like your order canceled, please just drop me an email and let me know. I want you to be completely happy with these resources and I’ll do everything in my power to get you them just as soon as I can.

Thanks much!

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Just a little UPDATE that I was able to get MANY of the resources later in the day and after FILLING the trunk of our tiny little car and making three trips to the post office, I have many of the orders en route to Iowa. I’m still waiting on the 5-CD sets and a few other resources, but MOST of the orders are on the way. Thanks for your gracious patience! – tkb

My travels were completely uneventful (hooray!). Well, except for my alarm having to go off at 4AM (3AM for my Mountain Time Zone body!) this morning in order to make my flights ... but it was worth it to be home on the noon flight instead of the 11PM flight. (Billings doesn’t have a lot of flight options.)

Fred, Sophie, Ella, Lilikoi and I just got home from a brief, but lovely, family walk. I love the fall! And even with Fred and Sophie’s tremendous colds, we could enjoy a few blocks of fresh air together.

Now Ella is nursing and I’m enjoying stories of how they all passed the time in my absence the past three days. My favorite activity was a puppet show Sophie put on for her baby Sissy:



(Hooray for big sisters!)

Hope your Sabbath was a restful, God-centered day—

Sending my love,
Tara B.

It was a true joy to be with you all, dear Iowa women!

I’m working hard to type up your shipping labels and will send them as soon as I possibly can.

Thanks for a wonderful weekend!

Yours,
Tara B.

From tears to laughing. Thanks, Cake Wrecks, for helping me to head into my duties, even on this horribly sad day:

Patriot Day

I really don’t know what to say. So I’ll let PalmTreePundit and PalmGirl say and draw my heart.

I continue to praise God for the ministry of Ajith Fernando and his family! Truly, he is a mighty man of a God; a churchman in the truest sense of the word. And every time I receive a prayer request / update / praise report from him, I am blessed.

Like the current one he sent with an “aside” on the importance of inductive Bible study. Oh, friends! This little three-page article is SO worth the read and I would be happy to send it to you if you simply email me and request it. (Don’t forget! I will NEVER give your email address or contact information to ANYONE. This is just between you, me, and the Excel spreadsheet I type into as I hold and nurse Eleanor on her boppy—as I am doing at this very moment.)

I want to particularly encourage you to request and read this article if you’ve had a hard time digging deep into God’s Word lately. It is SO helpful and encouraging, and convicting too.

Let me tempt you with just a snippet:

"INDUCTIVE BIBLE STUDY
by Ajith Fernando

I was once teaching a week-long course to some first generation Christians active in Christian ministry on how to study the Bible and use it in ministry. I found that many of my students were latching on to an inspiring thought from the passages we were studying, forgetting the context in which that thought appears and ultimately missing out on the message of the passage …

One of the students in this class asked me how one can read the difficult passages in the prophets without giving up out of boredom. As I thought about it, I realised that these passages are boring to some because there aren’t many of the “inspiring” thoughts in those passages which grab their attention and they latch on to. Instead, what we have is a message from God, burning in the prophet’s mind, which he wants to communicate to his audience. If we look for that message, we will find many very helpful insights into the mind of God …

That is the message we must labour to discover.

The best way I know of getting at the main thrust of a passage and gleaning things we would otherwise miss is inductive Bible study … I can describe inductive study using two statements:

- Sitting with the attitude of a child: “I want to learn what God, my Father, has caused to be written in this passage to make me strong and grow.”

- Looking with the skill of a detective—I do not want to miss any evidence in my search for what this passage really says, what it means, implies and tells me regarding my behaviour.

Usually inductive Bible study is divided into three steps: Observation, interpretation and application.

One of the many benefits of inductive study is that you begin to relish Bible study …

Discovering biblical truth does not only give the short term thrill that the solving of a mystery gives—it is gives life, it feeds the eternal joy that God has given us, it helps us to be molded to what we were made to be—individuals conformed to the image of Christ. When we are what we were made to be, we have the shalom that God gives—his peace, his wholeness and his health. The basic thirst of life is gone as we drink of the living water. The basic hunger of life is gone as we taste and see that the Lord is good and feed on the Bread of life."

Amen & Amen!

This is one of the reasons why I was so happy that women’s study started back up at our church this fall. Hooray for systematically studying Scripture! And thank God for the grace and freedom to do so. (A little shout-out to our troops and chaplains (and their families!) there and a reminder to please keep them all in your prayers.)

Off into our day now–

All the best,
Tara B.

(With thanks to my sister for the darling “Sweet Pea” Life Is Good wear for Ella Bella ...)





And, yes, there really WAS a poor little black kitty trapped on our roof today. I’m listening to a) Fred’s footsteps directly above my head as he walks the roof trying to (apparently) catch the poor thing; and b) Sophia directing him, “There he is, Daddy! No, over THERE!”



I feel terrible that I didn’t call animal control earlier—when my neighbor came over and said, “I think there’s a cat stuck on your roof.” But Soph and I looked and looked and didn’t see him.

The REAL end of the story is the fact that JUST AS Fred got the poor thing to safety and released him on the yard (he had a collar on so we assumed he would find his way home and we didn’t need to bring him to the pound), HE RAN RIGHT OUT INTO THE STREET AND (to quote Fred) WHAM!!! WAS HIT BY A CAR!!

("If only I had held him on the ladder for five more seconds," Fred bemoaned.)

Thankfully, he apparently used up only ONE of his nine lives because he didn’t even falter. He just kept on running. If we could’ve caught him, we would’ve (just to take him to a vet and MAKE SURE he was OK).

But can you believe that timing? Poor little kitty. I hope he is OK and home now.

Many thanks to Terry P. for sending an encouraging email, poem, and this John Calvin quote too:

"Every Christian should have his Church enclosed within his heart, and be affected with its maladies, as if they were his own, sympathize with its sorrows, and bewail its sins." John Calvin

Last night as we were cuddling, Sophie shared with me that one of her friends has a habit of threatening her whenever they get into any little quarrel:

"I’m not going to invite you over for ANY more PLAYDATES!"

We talked about how it makes her feel and how she hopes to never make anyone feel that way.

We also practiced some peacemaking words that we would use in similar situations in the future:

"I know we’re quarreling now, but we are friends and we are going to work through this conflict."

“This is a hard fight and we may need to get some help from our parents. But please know that I love you and I am committed to being your friend and I am confident that we will work through this fight and be reconciled.”

(And on and on ...)

I’m so blessed that Sophie talks with me about such matters! How I pray that I will comfort and counsel her well.

OK. Ella is sleeping, so I’m going to try to get a little sleep too.

Blessings!
– Tara B.

I been having a few “spinny” moments these days. I look in one direction and see piles of chaos that I simply DON’T know what to do with, so I turn in another direction to see if I could tackle any of THAT chaos—but No. I have no plan. I have no place to put things. I don’t know what I might need or what should be thrown away or given away.

So I spin and spin and spin just a little more and then I do one of a few options:

- I close my eyes and try to block my brain and IGNORE IT. (This lasts for a little while; but there does come a point when I can’t bear the mess. I miss my floor! I wan’t to know where the things I need are located. I don’t like piles of STUFF!)

- I know I have to engage and fight the chaos, but I still don’t have a plan (to throw/give) or a place to put things. So I do the next thing ...I begin to clear out the LEVEL 3 STUFF in order to make room for the stuff I’m actually using and needing to have access to, that currently has no place to live. (Newborn clothes that don’t fit; Tara clothes that don’t fit; Sophie toys and books that should be move up to her room from her booknook and down to her booknook from her room, etc.)

Yesterday, I WOULD HAVE stayed in my paralyzed mode of ignoring (and watching the chaos GROW), but Fred was SO generous to help with lots of diligent house tasks, that he really modeled for me AND counseled me to just DO THE NEXT THING.

No, I couldn’t nurse Ella, get my women’s Bible study done for the week, deal with orders, prep for this HUGE event I am serving at in Iowa this weekend, care for my sweet Sophia with her very bad cold, help figure out co-op (because we obviously can’t go tomorrow), make meals, do laundry, oh and enjoy some “I Spy” and Narnia with Soph while holding Ella and delighting in her cooing and smiling, plus OH! how much cleaning our house needs. Again.

But I could do SOMETHING. With a grateful, happy heart. I could make a tiny bit of progress and maybe tomorrow, make a little more.

So it actually ended up being a nice day. Fred really set and maintained the tone for our home by his grateful heart, diligent work, and time for relaxation and fun too.

Tomorrow will be a day of drinking lots of liquids, occasional cold medicines, and hopefully keeping our fevers under 101 (because anything over 101 just really wipes you out!). I sense some serious forts being designed and created by Sophia as she nests in to read and listen to her Narnia adventures.

(Earlier in the week she was SO sad that we’re reading the final book now. She said, “I wish Dr. Lewis had written 1,000 Narnia Books!!”)

Kicking off our day at 3:45AM, I got to change a diapie, and fill up Ella’s tummy with some more milkies. It’s fun (albeit exhausting) when the “next thing” is so extremely CUTE.



OK. Trying for a few more hours of sleep now ...

Blessings on your Tuesday!
– Tara B.

We enjoyed some playtime (and photos) outside on Friday:



Sophie discovered a (super cool!) spider web and immediately ran inside to get her magnifying glass:



Later on in the day, we did some chalk coloring and enjoyed some “I Spy” playtime too:



Of course, no weekend is complete without some NARNIA!



And the girls enjoyed their first MATCHIES day at church today:



Hope you’re all doing well—

Sending my love,
Tara B.

I completely agree with Michael Hyatt on this topic (and apply it to sermons and church meetings too). I even do this now, balancing a newborn and paper and pen. In fact I feel quite lost / strange / frustrated if I ever have to sit in any meeting WITHOUT a paper and pen; or even better–a LAPTOP:

Recovering the Lost Art of Note Taking

(PS—Can you tell it’s 4AM, I’m relatively wide awake holding Ella and, for the first time in a month, checking in on blogs? )

What a great roundup of articles on church discipline (including a legal risk management one by Ken Sande)! Hooray for IX Marks:

Facing Up to Church Discipline

There’s a great read over at Christ is Deeper Still that gives one answer to the question, “How come a stereotype of the church today is one of a ‘holier than thou’ mentality?”

Holier Than Thou

After Bible, Catechism, and Prayer, Sophia and I grab our Oxford Book of Children’s Verse and read a poem or two. Or three (or more) depending on how much time we have.

I have to admit, just like my surprise over her fascination and fixation with all things OPERA, I’ve been QUITE surprised by how much Sophie LOVES these poems.

When I first read things like:

"My son, keep well thy tongue, and keep thy friend ... My son, of muckle speaking evil-avised, Where less speaking had enough sufficed, Cometh muckle harm; thus was me told and taught. In muckle speech sin wanteth nought."

I thought, “Really? Is she going to get ANYTHING out of this? I don’t think I read Chaucer until A.P. English in HIGH SCHOOL.” But sure enough, she just LOVES IT.

After today’s reading, she kept saying, “One more! One more!” And after lines like this, I guess I can’t blame her:

"Little children, here ye may lere, much courtesy that is written here. Look thine hands be washen clean, that no filth in they nails be seen ... Pick not thine ears nor thy nostrils, if thou do, men will say thou com'st of churls."

Course we had to chat a bit about poetic license and language after the “worship thy father and thy mother” line in the next poem ("Symon’s Lesson of Wisdom for all Manner of Children; or How to become a Bishop.").

(No, no, we don’t worship our parents. But we do listen to them and honor them in a special way.)

Anyway—just wanted to do a little shout out to any other moms out there who might be trying to persevere through all of the words like doff, pottage, rede, avisely, forcarveth, and availath. I love it! But I do miss having fellowship here in town with other moms who are going through the same thing.

(My two closest friends and the two largest families in our church’s co-op decided to put their kids into public school just one week before classes/co-op started. So we miss them a lot! But we’re very happy that their families have found such a good fit.)

Must run now. Our turn to stuff bulletins at church today!

Sending my love,
Tara B.

It’s just now 5:30PM and I’m trying to get back to organizing Soph’s costumes in the few minutes I have before Fred gets home. This is a project I started at, oh, 7AM.



The piles are right next to all of the craft supplies ... a project that’s needed organizing since, oh, LAST WEEK.



Ahhhhhh ... you can tell that my priority is to hold two little girls—a job I am honored and happy to have. (Especially since Ella started SMILING this week!)



But I really should try to unearth the basement floor one of these hours/days/weeks. Whoops! Lost my window. Ella’s freaking out so I have to run.

Hope your day was a blessed one! Mine surely was.

Yours,
Tara B. (& Sophia, Eleanor & Lilikoi too)

The other day, I was listening to a piece of music that I truly enjoy when suddenly it hit me:

"I don’t think I’ve been really happy ever since the first time I heard this music, years ago."

What a horrible thought! I have such an easy and blessed life. I was terribly ashamed to even admit such a thought to Fred when he got home that night. But of course I did.

Something visceral, deep, shocking, painful, and confusing was activated in my heart and mind when I heard that music. (Smells do the same thing at times, don’t they? Bring us back to something, someone, somewhere in our past and flood us with strong emotions we hadn’t anticipated in that moment.)

I don’t have any answers for you as I share about this experience. But it has been a good (painful, but real) process of thinking, praying, talking, and crying as I’ve tried to understand better what the Lord is revealing to me and how He is calling me to respond in faith.

One aspect of my struggle, I believe, has to do simply with the fact that I was hurt by people I trusted. Christians I trusted. Ostensibly mature, trustworthy, godly Christians, to whom I opened my heart and my life, and was hurt.

In my youth, I simply wasn’t prepared for that.

Up until that time, I had been tremendously hurt by family members, friends, and people I didn’t know very well. I had failed in pretty much every arena of life (educationally, professionally, relationally). I had made every mistake in the book and was extremely immature (spiritually, emotionally, socially).

But still. I simply wasn’t prepared for the life-altering, crushing shock of being so tremendously hurt by the very people I trusted and loved the most.

And how did I respond?

Survival. A lot of my initial response was barely trying to scratch and crawl myself to the surface of my despair to even take a gasp of a breath and stay alive. This season went on for a LONG time.

Anger. Some was legitimate; but most was self-centered and graceless.

Bitterness. When anger turns that ugly corner into sinful, lasting resentment, jealousy, judgment ... bitterness.

Terror. How would I live? How would I survive? Everything is ruined. There is no place to go. There is no safe place for me.

Self-protection. I will never be able to risk again. Trust again. Love again. ("Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me ...")

Repentance. Oh yeah! God is still God. I am called to turn away from myself, my circumstance, the other people. I am called to repent, confess, and trust that I am forgiven. And then? I worship the One True and Living God.

Grief (with Hope). It is appropriate (and necessary!) to grieve both for MY sins and the sins done to me. Weep, wail, mourn. Cry and cry and then cry some more. Don’t stuff it down! Don’t pretend it’s not there. Christianity doesn’t call us to be stoics and “fake it.” Grieve! With hope. One day, it’s not going to feel like this any more. It’s not going to BE like this any more. One Good Day, there will be no more pain and suffering. And even in this life, more than likely, we will have seasons that don’t feel this horrible too.

Growth. Ah! Nothing like abject failure, complete rejection and abandonment, extreme loneliness, and a paralyzing inability to change our circumstance to help us to grow, eh? Might sound extreme, but even the lesser foundation is true, don’t you think? I know that I still have so far to go in sanctification, but oh! There is nothing like growth through failure and suffering. I’m 39 years old now and I’m beginning to wonder if we ever really grow at all in any other circumstances?

I could keep going, but Ella is stirring on my chest and I think we’re about to be greeted by our Big Sissy Sophia and I want to give her my attention and snuggles (in another room so Fred can keep sleeping).

But first, let me share a link with you to the RZIM “Slice of Infinity” from this morning that inspired me to think about these things (again) and also was the inspiration for the title. You’ll have to read the devotional to find out why:

The Struggle with Perspective

Let me tempt you with just a snippet:

"When hope fades, cynicism is often waiting in the wings. And this is indeed one of the great challenges of our time. Skepticism (there is nothing good and I know it) and cynicism (I can’t trust anybody or anything and I know this) seem reasonable choices. But is this a necessary outcome or orientation for us? I think not ...

The Scriptures open up for us a view of the world that is very different. There is a God. This God is the creator, and He is personal, loving, willful, and particular. We see that despite being a good creation, a disruption and disorder has occurred and the drama of redemption unfolds. But the central character here is God! It is what God does, whom God appoints, and what God decides that makes the difference. Now please don’t go rushing to theological dictionaries or well-entrenched beliefs to determine “whose” side I’m on in terms of God’s purpose and human will. I’ll tell you. I believe in both.

I have seen too much, experienced too much, read too much, and pondered too much to believe that my choices are determined, socially conditioned, or illusory. I believe they are real. However, I have also seen too much, experienced too much, read too much, and pondered too much to believe that they are, as Lewis would say, “the whole show.” History is not a fatalist’s game. Humans do act, and often with serious and sad outcomes. The good news is that we are not alone! Writing to the Romans, the apostle Paul reminded them that hope is real because it is anchored in one who is able to carry it, sustain it, and fulfill it (Romans 8:24-25; 28-30). History is moving to an end, and the Bible offers a good end. Thus, the difference between optimism (short term and easily overcome) and hope (eternal and anchored) is where they are rooted. One leans on human effort; the other rests in God and God’s promises."

Amen & Amen!

My tears are flowing as I type this. Apparently, God is graciously helping me to grieve a little more so that I can experience His wonderfulness a little more.

It hurts! But I’m hopeful.

(And, yes, of course, I have much to be grateful for and be HAPPY about too. I am well aware. I hope it doesn’t offend too many of you when I share of my regular struggles ... I know that I “should” be different. But here is my hope! God IS making me different. It’s just quite a process for ol' Tara.)

Soph’s climbing onto my lap, so I need to scoot now—

Sending my love,
Tara B.

BrittleCrazyGlass has a great post on God’s character that I encourage you to check out:

God says to the__, “I am your _”

Consider just a few of her insights:

To the prideful and doubtful, God says, “I am your confidence” (Exod 3)

To the fearful, God says, “I am your salvation” (Exod 14:10-14)

To the grumbling, God says, “I am your satisfaction” (Exod 16)

To the confused, God says, “I am your LORD, and your standard” (Exod 17)

To the discouraged, God says, “You are my treasured possession” (Exod 19:5)

To the sinful and disobedient, God says, “I am your Holy God” (Exod 19)

To the idolaters, God says, “I am your atonement” (Exod 32:30)

To the stiff-necked, God says, “I am your merciful one” (Exod 33:5)

To the tempted, God says, “I am your better option” (Exod 34:10-16

Thanks, Molly, for reminding us of these precious, life-giving, God-centered truths. (And so sorry your Visa didn’t come through this week for your teaching in India! I was praying.)

Sending love from the 2AM feeding and cuddle time with Ella Bella—

Yours,
Tara B.

No time to blog yesterday—but I WAS able to dig out my office and file / shred / toss a zillion documents that had piled up since our PRE-ELLA days.

My hands were more free because Big Sis Sophia fell in love with HOLDING ELLA while she watched her late afternoon video (Narnia, of course).



Plus we figured out the walkie-talkie feature on the Skiles' old hand-me-down baby monitors (fun!), so I’m beginning to roam a little further from the girls around the house. ('Course that always leaves Lilikoi in a bit of a conundrum because she really likes to be able to keep an eye on her entire pack all at once. What a sweetie. I just HAVE to start walking her again. Any day now ...)

Hope your Monday was a blessed one!

Yours,
Tara B.