considerable grace

Congratulations to Marcy! YOU WON the $179 Peacemaker Leadership Resource.

Please just email me your mailing address by November 18 and it’s yours! (And if you get me your address by this Tuesday, I’ll send it out this week. Otherwise, I won’t send it until after the 18th.)

Congratulations again and thanks to everyone who joined in the fun!

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

We still miss our majestic old tree, but we did have one nice thing come out of losing it ...



Our daughters' hand prints, initials, and the date will be around to greet the next owners of 929 Alderson. (Although Ella’s print does look way more like a smudge. It’s HARD to get a three month old’s hand print! But didn’t Sophie’s turn out nice?)



Sitting out on the stoop, watching the men work so hard, offering them tea, (appreciating that they cleaned up their language when Sophie and I were out there), asking if it was OK for us to leave our initials/hand prints (you would think so because it’s OUR property and WE even had to PAY FOR our tree being cut down and the sidewalk being replaced) ... Yup. That was definitely a better way to spend our morning than dealing with the piles and to-do’s that constantly beckon.

(My biggest goal for Sophie’s educational year is that her heart knits deeply and profoundly with Eleanor’s. My second biggest goal is that she grows in her ability to give herself a BREAK and CHILL OUT a bit. She is so driven! SUCH a perfectionist. Very slow to give herself GRACE. (I just have no idea where she gets all THAT from, do you? Yes, she still—at her own initiative—brought her music theory and math books out on the stoop and sat there multi-tasking while she watched the new sidewalk go in. But we did have a fun, slow morning. And it was SO COOL to leave a permanent mark on a home.)

I think that one of the reasons this meant so much to me is that I never lived in any one home for very long as a child. I don’t have any memories of progressively higher pencil dashes on a door frame. I don’t remember ever getting to really KNOW the nooks and crannies of any one house. I just don’t have a sense of “place.”

(Fred always laughs when someone asks, “Where are you from?” Because he easily says, “German Valley Illinois.” And then he glances at me to see how I will respond. Usually it’s something along the lines of, “We moved around a lot, but I went to college and grad school in Illinois and spent our first few years as a married couple in the north suburbs of Chicago, so it always feels like I’m going home when I land at O'Hare, even though I don’t have any family there.” Blah blah blah. Typical Tara. Why 5 words when 500 will do?)

But by God’s grace, Sophia has created reading nooks and hideaway forts and special areas in every part of our tiny little home. We do have “permanent” little dash marks showing us how FAST our daughter is growing. (Plus, our friends at the post office and grocery store remind us of that all the time too.)

I don’t know how long God will keep us here. But for now we are truly enjoying our community, church ... and the sidewalk near our house.

Gratefully,
Tara B.

After my little adventure this week, I’m really wondering whether I can continue to think of myself as an organized person. Here’s what happened ...

Sophie and I had moved diligently through our duties on Wednesday morning and we were on track to leave the house for women’s study on time. Until ...

(Insert scary music here.)

... I couldn’t find my women’s study.

Doesn’t sound so bad, does it? People misplace things. No biggie. Maybe I was working on it upstairs. (No.) Did it get carried into my office for some reason? (No.) OK, back to the place I ALWAY keep it. (No.) It just HAS to be there. (No.) “C'mon, Tara! You have to GET OUT THE DOOR! Where is that book?!” (No idea.)

So now I’m experiencing the exact same emotions I felt as a nine year-old who was ABOUT to miss the school bus for old Cork El. “Where is it? Where is it? I NEED IT! How can I lead a study if I don’t HAVE the study?!?”

Oh, and hooray God! I did have one TINY moment of sanity in the midst of all of this, when I DID try to be relatively godly about it all (as Sophie is watching me literally RUN from room to room, turning things upside down, looking in places it couldn’t POSSIBLY be) ... I did stop and pray. And I did try to NOT catastrophize the situation ("No one is going to die if I show up without my study. Share someone else’s book. Get over yourself.").

And so, we went to the car to leave for the study. AND THERE WAS MY WOMEN’S STUDY. In the baby bag. On the front car seat. Efficiently (albeit NOT effectively!) put there by yours truly SO THAT I WOULDN’T HAVE TO RUSH AND FIND IT AT THE LAST MINUTE.

Nice.

So now I’m wondering if I’m just too organized to call myself organized because CLEARLY I’m not organized anymore.

Oh well! I’d rather be a disorderly mess WITH my two precious little love bugs than the most organized person without them. I only get to have small children ONCE. I want to drink every drip of this exhausting, chaotic, hug-filled, kiss-filled, “May I read this book to you and Ella, Momma?”-filled season of life.

Blessings on your day—
(Even if, like me, you can’t currently find the floor or desk in your office.)

Love,
Tara B.

I have to admit that I was startled in our poetry time this morning when I read to Sophia the last four lines of John Bunyan’s classic, “The Child and the Bird.”

(If you’re not familiar with this poem, I encourage you to scroll down to the bottom of this page and read it now. I’d hate to be a spoiler for you when it comes to such powerful, elegant writing.)

All along, as I’m reading the poem to Sophia, I’m assuming that the bird will LISTEN to the call and respond with FAITH. After all:

- Who wouldn’t want to be adorned with love and honor?

- Who doesn’t feel “of little value” and who doesn’t long to be valued supremely? (So highly valued that the Son of Glory would condescend to become Man and die a sinner’s death on our behalf.)

- Don’t you want to be tucked into a bosom and kept warm from the storms of life? Covered in finest silk and kept safe from the cold?

- With the eternal Spring of a Home in His Father’s palace?

Who could resist? Who could resist?

Ah! So many just fly away. Reject the call and flee.

"But lo, behold, the bird is gone!
These charmings would not make her yield;
The child’s left at the bush alone,
The bird flies yonder o'er the field."

As my arms flooded with goosebumps and I realized the depth of theology I was reading, Sophie asked me to explain it to her too. And so we turned to Matthew 18 and we read about the prideful squabbling amongst his disciples ("Which one of US is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven, Jesus?!") and the glorious truth that Jesus taught them ("This little child. Utterly dependent on ME. The CHILD is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.").

And we talked about how the wisdom of God is foolishness to those who are perishing; but to those who are being saved? It is life and light and truth.

Then we closed our time by praying for childlike hearts that love Jesus more than anything and anyone else in all the world. We prayed that we would be like the child (who hears the call of the Lord and responds with saving faith) and NOT like the bird that flits away, attracted and distracted by the next glittery bauble that this world has to offer.

Thank You, Lord, for great poets! It’s so refreshing to be genuinely surprised and edified by the gifts of Your people.

Gratefully,
Tara B.

People often chuckle when I say this, but I assure you it’s true: I have never read my own book. Well, at least not since it was published into an actual book book. (I did read draft after draft after DRAFT of it when we were actually writing the silly thing.)

ANYWAY—sometimes I think that I really should read it cover to cover because the few times I’ve looked up something in it, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how there are parts that, you know, might actually be relatively well-written and hopefully helpful to people. (Until recently, every time I tried to read portions of it, I only saw its weaknesses.)

Like today for example ...

I was looking up some recommended resources on the topic of shame (because I truly believe that the best parts of our book are the recommended resources lists at the end of each chapter) and I read a little of the actual chapter itself. Oh! It was like I was having coffee with Judy Dabler and she was ministering to my soul. Again.

So I thought I’d share an excerpt with you too. Hope you enjoy!

Yours,
Tara B.

Excerpts from Chapter 10 of Peacemaking Women, “SHAME”
by Judy Dabler and Tara Barthel

When a woman is filled with ungodly shame, her response to her own sin or fallenness is to say, “Something is wrong with me and I need to work harder to make this right.” Ungodly shame is a self-indictment that overrides the truth of the gospel that Jesus Christ loves me and in him I am accepted. Another way to think about godly shame and ungodly shame is to note that while godly shame may have a component of legitimate and appropriate guilt (“I did wrong”), ungodly shame condemningly says, “I am wrong.” Sadly, ungodly shame directs people away from God and others, effectively trapping them in a lifestyle of shame-based living. Ungodly shame is an unbearable burden ...

What is the cure for guilt? What is the cure for shame?

Nearly every believer is able to rapidly answer the first question. The cure for guilt is forgiveness. However, few are able to articulate the cure for shame without a great deal of reflection. And yet, Scripture speaks volumes about how to cure shame. To be women of shalom, it is crucial to understand how the concepts of adoption, intimacy, love, and delight impact our experience of shame. These gifts of grace help us to trust that we are accepted, just the way we are. The acceptance we have in Christ because we are adopted into his family is the surgeon’s scalpel that begins to carve away the festering poison of shame. The intimacy, love, and delight we experience because of our adoption all provide the healing balm that soothes the painful effects of shame.

Adoption. When we know without a doubt that God has accepted us, we come to understand the amazing truth that we are brought into membership in God’s family forever (1 John 3:1). The doctrine that speaks most powerfully to our guilt is justification and the doctrine that speaks most directly to our ungodly shame is adoption. While the cure for our guilt rests only in the forgiveness of God, the cure for our shame is found in God’s loving acceptance through adopting us into his family. Adoption washes our shame away in the same way that justification wipes away our guilt. Adoption says, “I love you, you belong to me, nothing will take you out of my hand. Nothing about you will cause me to reject you. Anything wrong with you will not cost us our relationship. I am God and I know you completely. And I love you” (cf. John 10:29; Rom. 8:15–17; Gal. 4:4–7; 1 John 3:1) ...

Intimacy. Intimacy is a biblical concept that permeates Scripture from beginning to end. It is the relational experience of knowing others as they really are and being known for who we really are. The desire for intimacy is strongly related to how God has made us in his own image. Although sufficient in himself, God desires that we know and love him, hence the First Commandment (“You shall have no other gods before me”) and the Greatest Commandment (“Love the Lord your God with all your heart . . .”). As people made in his image, we share the same desire to be intimately known and fully loved. Our creation in God’s image assumes intimacy as a normal part of relationships. Yet shame, that lethal disease, eats away at our hearts—especially the place where intimacy is desired and embraced. Shame destroys the desire and ability to be known by others. Shame kills the desire and ability to know and love others.

If genuine love flows out of true intimacy, and if love for God and others is our greatest calling, intimacy is a vital part of our human experience. We will not be vulnerable with people unless we know that we are safe with them because they love us intimately …

It is helpful to note that in this John 10 passage, intimacy is a crucial aspect of loving leadership and ministry. So often, our counseling with believers touches on the topic of how difficult it is to know Christian leaders. The hurts that are experienced by our pastors and elders often make them withdraw from people. The hurts that are experienced by all believers lead us to withdraw from relationships as well. When Christians are deprived of intimate, loving relationships with one another, shame often flourishes because we fear letting others see our weaknesses. Mistrust, bitterness, unforgiveness, and fear stand in the way of deep connection in the body of Christ.

Love. Paul gives the Philippians much to consider about the importance and wonder of having intimate human relationships when he writes, “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God” (Phil. 1:9–11). Paul uses powerful words—abounding love—to describe a powerful concept. Love doesn’t trickle in when love abounds and intimacy is present. Love surges forward—more and more. And shame flees in the face of love ...

Acceptance and delight. We can love many people but delightful acceptance with intimate knowledge is a foretaste of the exquisite grace that awaits us when we are reunited with Jesus Christ face-to-face. Delight is a special form of acceptance that profoundly heals shame ...

Delight dispels shame. Shame cannot breathe or live in the flood of loving, rejoicing delight. Of course, the ultimate foundation for our delight is found in Jesus Christ. He is the Lover of our Souls who delights in us and eternally dispels our shame. Even if we do not yet experience delight in earthly relationships, we can rest secure in God’s delight in us.

From Shame to Shalom
Even as I (Tara) have spent the day working on this chapter, I have struggled with shame. My husband is caring for our little baby so that I can concentrate on writing. Shame tells me, “If you weren’t such a lousy wife, you would take better care of your husband.” I look around my home and see my attempts at cobbling our used furniture and old lamps into a warm and inviting home. Shame whispers, “If you were a better homemaker, you would know how to decorate and create a beautiful environment. You can’t even take care of a home. There’s dog hair everywhere.” We are working on having our daughter, Sophia, take naps in her crib instead of in our arms. But as she cries in protest, my shame indicts me, “You don’t have any idea what you’re doing with your baby. What makes you think you can be a mother?”

Can you imagine? Even as I am here meditating hour after hour on the many truths of Scripture as to how the gospel speaks directly to my shame, I still struggle. Some of you reading this will not be able to relate to what I’m saying. I thank God for that! I am always refreshed and blessed to share fellowship with people who do not struggle with the foreboding, horrible, vague sense that they are not good enough. Their confidence and trust in the Lord is like a refreshing breeze or a sweet melody. To not live in shame is a glimpse of heaven.

But others of you know exactly what I am talking about. You know what it is like for your shame to condemn you. You, too, struggle with horrible thoughts of your own unworthiness, dirtiness, and inadequacies. Dear sisters in Christ, there is hope! Let us run to our saving, forgiving, adopting, and accepting God. The Prince of Peace knows our hearts, our pasts, our futures, and our every deed—and he delights in us. God delights in you! He, in his awesome act of love, offered himself as a sacrifice, that we might live eternally as righteous children of God. Forever.

To know that Jesus knows us, loves us, accepts us, and has declared us righteous, is the first step toward seeing shame forever washed away. Being known, loved, and accepted by others dispels that shame even more. When we, as fallen sinful creatures, can view ourselves with the eyes of Christ, shalom abounds richly. In the light of the love of Christ, shame gives way to shalom. In grateful and humble response we cry: “Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!” (2 Cor. 9:15).

Are we really going to have only 28 entries in our family’s little WIN FREE (biblical & practical & gospel-focused!) STUFF GIVEAWAY of the brand-new ($179) Peacemaker Ministries Leadership Resource? Wow! Ya' gotta like those stats if you’re hoping to win.

But if you haven’t yet entered and you’d like a chance to win, you still have a few more days:

Enter Here to Win the Brand-New Peacemaker Ministries LEADERSHIP OPPORTUNITY Series

(And don’t forget: Our family will never give your name or contact information to ANYONE, so you can enter without fear of SPAM or annoying mail or anything like that.)

Hope you’ll join in the fun!

Years ago, my dear friend Joe Adams gave me some great advice re: disciplines / health goals, etc.

I was trying to cut back on my soda consumption. (Yes, yes, I know how HORRIBLE soda is. Truly. But it’s still hard for me to give up.) And he encouraged me to NOT think of it as “giving up soda,” but instead to have a nice big glass of cold water (from a GLASS glass, not something plastic because glass makes it taste so much better) BEFORE I have a soda. Because just by adding in something good, my desire of something less health/redemptive would lessen.

And he was right.

Plus, it doesn’t feel like such a “discipline” or burden or sacrifice to ADD IN something good. (But “giving up” can be so hard.) Here are some other examples from my recent days:

- I (finally!) started walking Lilikoi in the mornings again. Yes, it’s hard to bundle up and get out the door, but once I’m out in the fresh air with my Golden Retriever at my side? I’m so happy. AND, the closed-in-walls of a life only inside isn’t as attractive to me any more.

- Whenever I go too long without regular devotional time in the Word and study time in the Word, it can be a discipline to get back into the groove as it were. But once I do? My heart and my mind quicken and I think to myself, “WHY did I not do this every day?! Thank You, God, for Your Written Word!”

- One orange BEFORE I eat that piece of candy? And suddenly I don’t crave the candy as much any more.

I could go on and on, but I hear a baby stirring so I need to scoot.

Thanks for the great advice, Joe! I’m praying that today will be a day of adding in one good thing (and then another and then another).

Blessings!
– Tara B.

Sophie and Fred had a fun time carving ol' Jack (and little “L” as Sophie called the baby punkin') this past weekend:





I have to say—I really did fall in love with Fred for many substantive things (spiritual, intellectual, emotional) ... but his ability to do fun things like carve such cool pumpkins really sealed the deal. Plus he was (and is) really cute.

I am rereading (and enjoying thoroughly) Eugene Peterson’s “Traveling Light: Meditations on St. Paul’s Letter of Freedom”.

(Thanks again, Pastor Bostrom, for the wonderful gift of this book for our family!)

My current chapter is on Galatians 6:11-18:

"See with what large letters I am writing to you with my own hand. It is those who want to make a good showing in the flesh who would force you to be circumcised, and only in order that they may not be persecuted for the cross of Christ. For even those who are circumcised do not themselves keep the law, but they desire to have you circumcised that they may boast in your flesh. But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. For neither circumcision counts for anything, nor uncircumcision, but a new creation. And as for all who walk by this rule, peace and mercy be upon them, and upon the Israel of God.

From now on let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers. Amen."

There are so many rich nuggets of truth and sweet reminders in this chapter that I simply could not write them all.

But one paragraph stands out above all the rest. I simply can’t get it out of my mind (which is great in some ways but makes it a little hard to sleep):

"Paul does not glory in Jesus' walking on the water, showing himself Lord of creation.

Paul does not glory in Jesus' calling Lazarus from the tomb, showing himself Lord over death.

Paul does not glory in Jesus' teaching the beatitudes, showing himself a master truth-teller.

Paul does not glory in Jesus' touching the leper, showing himself the compassionate healer.

He knows all those things and appreciates them. His life of faith is enriched by them. But he glories in the crucifixion. His boast is that God in Jesus entered the stuff of our everyday existence where the lights and shadows mingle, where our good intentions and evil impulses vie for ascendancy, where hope struggles with despair, where men try their best and give up, where all ends in ugliness and injustice, where life is not fair, where things don’t work out for the best.

Paul doesn’t boast of a God glorious in the heavens, untouched by the mess and confusion and ambiguity of our history. He doesn’t assemble sonorous, multisyllabled lists of God’s attributes and boast that no Greek or Roman or Egyptian god has half the qualities. No. “Far be in from me to glory except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Amen, amen, and amen.

I just can’t stop thinking about this. Thank You, God!

Blessings to you and yours—
Tara B.

Late last night I wrote about Sophie forgiving me (again) and how grateful I was that our hearts could be knit back together through the wonder of forgiveness. But I have to tell you the truth that deep down, inside of MY heart, even after we were reconciled, I was still struggling with feeling guilty and “bad” over my failures as a mother.

I really wondered how (and if!) she could ever really love me when I have so many areas of weakness and ugliness as a parent.

But then we headed into our evening family time and God gave me a huge gift through my hysterically fun, quick to honestly forgive, loving and sweet little girl. This is what happened ...

Apparently, when I was upstairs nursing Ella, Sophie decided to create and entire CONCERT for our listening pleasure. She found all sorts of tubs and containers (so that her pounding would have different tonalities). She created a sign for the concert hall ("no drenking, no food, no radeyo, make shur your sel fones are off") and a table of contents for the performance:



Then I got to be the “spotlight girl” (with a flashlight) and we were blessed with a stellar performance that began with this song:

"Oh Mama! Oh Mama!
You dear sweet dear.

Oh Mama! Oh Mama!
You dear sweet dear.

You were not here ...
But now you are here.

Oh Mama! Oh Mama!
You dear sweet dear."

It’s much better with the singing, as I’m sure you might imagine. But oh! What a grace it was to my tempted-to-be-too-hard-on-myself little ol' Momma heart.

(She then went on to the songs “lolly pop lolly pop oh lolly lolly pop / Lili pup Lili pup oh Lili Lili pup” and “The Little Bear Who Went Into the Woods”, which had a very intense middle section with the cymbals taking the lead “because the hunters were talking intensely about whether they should TAKE the little baby bear or LEAVE the little baby bear”. We had an intermission (listed as a “6 minit brake”) and closed out the concert with the world-famous “little duk in its tuc” and “10 litl monkes on the bed”.)



(The crowd went wild.)

And then, just for fun, we all crowded on our bed for a late-night game of “I Spy.”



Mmmmmmmmmmm ... what a great night.

Hope yours was blessed too! And that your weekend is restful and enjoyable—

Happily,
Tara B.

PS
Just in case your curious, it takes 60 years to grow a tree and less than one afternoon to take it completely away.



PPS
We don’t know if we’ll actually GO to our Reformation Party next week because the seasonal flus and H1N1 are ravaging Billings (including our church). But if we do, we’re taking two mermaids with us ...

Just a quick reminder that you still have ONE WEEK to enter our family’s little WIN FREE (biblical & practical & gospel-focused!) STUFF GIVEAWAY:

Enter Here to Win the Brand-New Peacemaker Ministries LEADERSHIP OPPORTUNITY Series

All you have to do is leave a comment—and currently there are only SIXTEEN comments, so if you enter, you’ll probably WIN!

(And don’t forget: Our family will never give your name or contact information to ANYONE, so you can enter without fear of SPAM or annoying mail or anything like that.)

Hope you’ll join in the fun!

I learned many years ago that whenever something really bugs me about a certain person, I should take a moment and reflect on how similar I am to him or her because often the very thing that bothers me the most about another person is what bothers me most about myself.

For example ...

Yesterday Fred took a long lunch hour and met us out at the punkin' patch for a little autumnal fun.

(Ever since Sophie was a toddler we’ve LOVED “punkin' patch time!” as we refer to the gloriously beautiful fall season that SOME people might like to try to take over with skeletons and witches, etc. "But that’s just not a good fit for our family; too dark and not at all beautiful," as Soph would say. So we enjoy the fun aspects and then top off the season with our church’s Reformation Party because, you know, Presbyterians really know how to PAR-TEE.)





(BTW–did you note that she was wearing a GOLDEN-doodle poodle skirt the first year? Fun fun!)

So there we are yesterday with Fred, enjoying the hay-bale-find-a-punkin'-maze and the games and the hay ride, etc.:



And I see an impeccably-dressed woman (a thin shirt-tucker, of course), kneeling down in frustration over her impeccably-dressed little girl, brushing off a few strands of hay from the little girl’s (probably $100) fashionista shoes. I think to myself, “Hrmpf! Give me a break! Let the little girl have some fun. What kind of uptight mother are you that you can’t just let your little girl have a little fun ... etc. etc.”

('Course I don’t SAY these words to anyone. Don’t want to seem unloving / ungodly. But OH! The blackness of my heart ...)

We go along, “having fun”, me being “SO OK” with the amount of hay in my daughter’s socks and the amount of dirt on all of our shoes (aren’t I a great person?!). Until. Until.

Soph decides to play one more game and promptly DROPS her pom-poms RIGHT into a pile of hay and I KNEW the teeny-tiny-little pieces of hay were going to go DEEP into the multi-strands of the pom-poms in some sort of permanent mess producing “horror” and I used THE LOOK and THE TONE that communicates a completely inappropriate level of displeasure to my sweet, happy little five year old. I didn’t yell. I didn’t even raise my voice. But I was so very, very wrong in how I communicated with her.

It’s hay! Who cares? Get a life, Tara. Be more like Samara-the-unflappable and Fred-the-ever-gracious. Don’t be like the woman you were so quick to judge and criticize a few minutes ago. Because it is just SO true that the very thing I hated the most in her is the very thing I hate the most in me.

Oh, but here is the Good News. The wonderful, wonder-producing, hope-filled news: We can be forgiven. We are growing and changing. And there is grace even for us!

On the ride home, Sophie and I relived the silliness of the punkin' patch time and we giggled over the blessings in her treat bag. We immediately applied the beautiful dragonfly “tattoo” as soon as we got home and then we cuddled under a blanket and read together to take advantage of the few minutes we had, just the two of us, while Ella continued to sleep.

And we also talked briefly about my regret over my over-reaction to her dropping her pom-poms in the hay. I apologized. I explained that I didn’t want to be an overly-harsh mother and that Jesus was helping me to change. She forgave me (again) and we moved on (again) with our hearts knit together.

(Just how knit together? Oh! I have a fun little story to tell that I hope to type up for you tomorrow ... grace grace grace! I’m a total addict.)

But for now I’ll sign off with this encouragement / gentle challenge ...

When someone rubs you the wrong way; if you “just don’t like her”; if a certain person pushes your buttons and drives you a little batty ... take a moment to consider how his or her weaknesses are just like your own weaknesses.

- Are they loud and overly domineering? (Are you?)

- Do they always seem disorganized and disheveled? (How much pride do you take in how you’ve overcome this tendency and are NOW so perfectly on-time and orderly?)

- Is she weak? Too tender? Never assertive? Always so quiet and submissive? (Do you hate how you never have the courage to speak up?)

God gives us grace and time to grow; even in (especially in!) our greatest areas of weakness. How is He calling us to give others that same grace and time?

With that, I’ll sign off for now. Punkin' carving and seed-baking tomorrow!

Yours in the battle,
Tara B.

Melodee is back to blogging over at The RadleyPorch and I’m so happy she is. Oh! How I would love to borrow her brain for just a few minutes to know even HALF of what she knows about literature and music and faith and, well, just life. She is a beautiful young woman, but her beauty has a depth to it that I truly admire (and I’ve done so since I first met her when she was just a teenager!).

But in my exuberance over Melodee, I’ve wandered a bit from what I was meaning to write in this post ...

(Who me? Lose my train of thought? Shocking.)

It was her post, “Hunger for Heaven”, that got me thinking about so many things this morning:

- One of the commenters on the True Woman post, “What if I Can’t Have Children” (who shared not just about struggling with infertility but struggling with bitterness toward God and her husband because it is her HUSBAND who is infertile, not her; so now SHE has to go through life without biological children even though her body seems to work just fine);

- A member of our church who is very, very sick with cancer

- One of my dearest friends who is feeling very isolated and lonely these days

(AND ...)

- How sweet Ella’s smiles and giggles and cooing are and how she can rouse me out of even my deepest funk by just being HER

- What a grace it was this morning that God gave me the conviction and courage to talk with Fred about some of my (most embarrassing and frustrating!) ongoing heart struggles

- Just how much I admire both of my pastor’s wives (how consistently and humbly they live real faith in real life; how they bear up under unjust suffering because they are conscious of God; how loving and gracious and giving they are) and how much I enjoy just being around them

Such is life in a fallen world.

Suffering. Happiness. Struggles. JOY. Loneliness. Real relationship.

Melodee’s post was spot on re: suffering in this life, glimpses of eternity, and our True Home. I encourage you to read the entire post, but here is just a tiny excerpt wherein she quoted the CS Lewis book, “The Last Battle”:

"I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked a little like this."

The things we love most in this life; the innocent pleasures we truly enjoy (without stain or guilt); the most safe, loved, and accepted we have ever felt at any time ... they are all glimpses of Heaven. We love them because they look (and feel and smell and taste) a little like our Real Home.

Oh! How I can’t wait to get there.

Thanks for blogging again, Melodee!

Gratefully,
Tara B.

Sophia and I are sad today and prayerful as we are striving to be content with something, ummmm, inconvenient and frustrating that is happening to our family.

(It’s really “no big deal”—not a child with cancer or the loss of a parent or something truly serious. But we are sad nonetheless and asking God to help us to trust Him and be content with whatever He provides.)

Our challenge is related to this:



(The gorgeous, fun (we like to jump in the leaves!), majestic tree that graces our living room view.)

All because of this:



(Some bumpy sidewalks.)

The city is going to do this:



(Cut it down.)

Again ... I want to note that both Sophia and I know it’s not “real” suffering. But we will miss our beautiful tree and life-affirming GREEN view in the spring when the leaves come in and GOLDEN view in the fall when autumn chills the stems.

(And I will really miss taking traditional fall-leaf-filled photos of the girls and our Goldens!)



But the Lord really does know best—even (especially!) regarding these tiny, every-day little losses. And it’s been a good opportunity for me to remind Sophia about God-ordained authority and how the city has the power and right to take the tree down (cf. Romans 13), even after we made a respectful appeal that they not do so.

And so, we’re preparing to say goodbye to our lovely tree. I assume it will be completely gone by next week at the latest. What a bummer.

But what a good God we have! And what a blessing that we have had eyes to see this creation of His for nine years now.

Hope your Wednesday has gone well for you! I heard a loud noise around 4AM and couldn’t get back to sleep—so I’ve had a productive, but tiring day. Just about to nurse Eleanor right now ...

Blessings to you,
Tara B.

If you are signed up for the Peacemaker Ministries e-publications, then you already know that Peacemakers recently unveiled their brand-new leadership resource: The Leadership Opportunity: Living Out the Gospel Where Conflict and Leadership Intersect.

And you also know that my husband, Fred, announced this new resource by creating a table comparing the arrival of our little Ella with the arrival of The Leadership Opportunity. (Isn’t he clever? )

I can’t recreate the table in my very-non-user-friendly-blog-software, but here are just a few of the entries:

VS.

Birth Date

-The Leadership Opportunity: 9/24/2009 (at the Peacemaker Conference)
-Ella Marie: July 27, 2009

Weight

-The Leadership Opportunity: about 6 lbs
-Ella Marie: 8 lbs 8 oz

Length

-The Leadership Opportunity: 14 DVD-based lessons, each about 30 minutes in length
-Ella Marie: 20.5 inches

Conception

-The Leadership Opportunity: A focus group at the 2007 Peacemaker Conference noted, “We need a resource specifically for our church leaders.”
-Ella Marie: None of your business (though I will say it was more fun than a focus group)

Contents

-The Leadership Opportunity: DVDs, 5 detailed Study Guides, Leader’s Guide, 40-day devotional book on shepherd leadership and more…
-Ella Marie: Sugar and spice and everything nice

One Interesting Feature:

-The Leadership Opportunity: A set of model forms and other documents to help churches implement sound policies in membership, discipline, and risk management
-Ella Marie: A sweet little tuft of hair that sticks up on the back of her head

Ultimate Purpose

-The Leadership Opportunity: To bring glory to God
-Ella Marie: To bring glory to God

It’s a great resource (the video series, I mean ... Ella’s also great, but in a different way!) and I encourage you to visit the Peacemaker website and learn more about it.

To (hopefully) entice you to do so, our family has purchased one copy of The Leadership Opportunity (retail value $179!) and we want to give it to one of YOU.

All you have to do to enter to win is:

1. Visit the Peacemaker website and read about “The Leadership Opportunity” (and hopefully consider telling your church leaders about it too!);

2. Leave a comment on THIS BLOG POST no later than 5:00PM (Mtn time) Saturday, October 31 (indicating that you’ve at least clicked over and read about the resource—I trust you 100%!) and I’ll use a random number generator to select one winner; and

3. Check back after 10/31 and see if you’ve won. (And if you have, be sure that I have your contact information because if I don’t hear from the winner with a mailing address by November 18, I’ll choose another winner.)

Sound like fun?
Want to win a $179 resource?

Leave a comment soon!

(Oh—and remember ... I will NEVER share your contact information with ANYONE. So feel free to join in the fun without fear of SPAM. I really do think that people who give/share/sell contact information are BAD PEOPLE. So c'mon you lovely lurkers (people who read blogs but never post comments)—I know there are around 1,300 of you a WEEK! Today’s a good day for you to join in the fun.)

Blessings on your day—

Yours,
Tara B.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, then you know that I am married to a husband who models servant leadership. Fred is extraordinarily quick to set aside his own comfort in order to serve me—and he has (happily and eagerly) sacrificed greatly over many a weekend so that I could go and serve at various women’s events.

In many ways, his two or three days “home with the baby” (and now, “home with the five year old and baby”) have been very helpful for our parenting. Fred has always known the ins and outs of caring for our children. (I don’t have to leave him a list of foods / meals / routines / etc.) The girls adore him and their hearts are knit close to his. Plus, he has a keen insight into the sheer mental and physical exhaustion that comes from spending hour after hour (after HOUR) with young children—because he experiences it himself. So that helps him to be even more grateful and more helpful re: my efforts to serve our family at home.

This past weekend (when I was in Texas), he made a comment about all of this that still makes me chuckle. It went something like this:

"It really isn’t hard to take care of the girls. The problem comes when you try to get ANYTHING ELSE done."

Isn’t that the truth?

Like today for me, for example ...

Eleanor was her typical calm, sweet, adorable baby self. Sophia was diligent, cheerful, and enjoyable. But I was still extremely stressed as I went throughout my day. And now? I am so tired I can’t even spell tired.

All because I had some duties that required my attention that went beyond my normal sphere of “just” taking care of the girls. They were all positive stressors (some of them were VERY positive stressors). Nothing bad happened. It’s just life. Real life. Life that requires us to, yes, take care of the children WHILE doing other things. (If only we could just sit and hold / play with / read to / be ready to BY ... our children.

Some days, that’s the case. Often it’s not.

And it’s OK to be this tired occasionally. But it’s also a yellow flag to me to keep checking in on the things that I do that require my time and attention outside of my primary duties at home and in my local church. My children will only be little once. I want to be HERE with them. I LOVE to be here with them. (While, yes, I prayerfully hope I am living with a missional, service-oriented, God-centered, other-centered focus.)

It’s really a wisdom call, isn’t it? That’s yet another reason why I am so grateful that I have Fred and church leaders and friends who help me. “In the counsel of many there is great wisdom.” (See Proverbs 15:22)

Amen!

And G'nite!

From your exhausted, but grateful friend,
Tara B.

We are almost done with our women’s study on 1 & 2 Thessalonians ("Living the Gospel to the End" by Kathleen Buswell Nielson—if you’re not familiar with all of her excellent, gospel-centered, rigorous Bible studies, I encourage you to get to know them!) ...

And I have to say, I am much more mindful of Christ’s imminent return than I was before we began the study.

Still, this quote from the IX Marks blog set me back on my heels simply because of the depth of love and devotion to Christ (and confidence in the Lord!) that it reflected:

"I do not think in the last forty years I have lived one conscious hour that was not influenced by the thought of our Lord’s return." Anthony Ashley Cooper, 7th Earl of Shaftesbury

Simply astounding, don’t you think?

Oh, that I would move in that direction in my thinking and living ...

Oh! I have so very, very far to go in my sanctification and conformity to Christ. (Evidenced, for example, by my frustration and even anger this week. Ergh! You would think I would gear up a little better for these times of temptation. And yet, so often, I get caught again and again in old patterns.)

There are moments of growth, however. And I am rejoicing in two examples from this week:

1. There was a time in our travels when I could feel frustration and anger beginning to grow in my heart. (I think it was when I was trying to pack us up to leave for Yellowstone. I needed to think through every single thing that a baby, five year old, and family might need on a LONG car grip; then I needed to organize it and pack it; BUT Ella was miserable and crying and needed to be held. I knew I could stop and hold the baby OR I could keep organizing and packing. But I couldn’t do both.)

And here is the miracle of growth in grace! Instead of staying in my (habitual) rut of sin and getting angry, God’s grace helped me to do something different. (Faith is often doing something that doesn’t feel natural, isn’t it?) Specifically, I said to Fred, “I am starting to feel very frustrated because I feel the pressure to do something that I simply cannot do.” And he said, “Let’s not do that! What can I do?” And he paused from what he was doing to comfort Ella so that I could finish my part of the packing process. And boy! That was a much better start to our day than the typical “Tara feels crushed and overwhelmed because she can’t do what she has to do and so she responds with anger and frustration” fight. Hooray for growth!

2. Yesterday morning, our home was littered with things needing cleaning, organizing, unpacking, etc. And I was extremely tired—physically, emotionally, mentally. I was just wiped out. Usually? Exhaustion tempts me (big time!) to sin. I might try to escape with overeating. Or maybe just be short-tempered with Sophia. But instead? (Hooray! God’s grace!) I simply took it very, very slow and left most of the chaos for most of the day. I spent time with Sophia and Ella. I read. I touched base with a friend.

And when I was ready to try to delve a little bit into my tasks? I started NOT by dealing with the suitcases and pile of stuff from the car trip, but by working on organizing Sophia and Ella’s room (which really needed some attention—but not nearly as much as our home needed things unpacked). That way, I could sit on the floor with the girls and Lilikoi and get SOMETHING done, even though I wasn’t ready yet to do the very hard job that was vying for my attention. And then? In the late afternoon when I WAS ready to tackle unpacking and laundry, my heart was in such a better place that I could do so with joy.

I know these two things might not seem like much to most of you. But for me? This is great growth for me and I am extremely grateful.

One day at a time ...
Little by little ...
Like the slow boring of wood.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

Amen!

And happy Saturday to you all—

Blessings,
Tara B.

The snow and ice have left us (at least until Monday when more snow is predicted) and we decided to enjoy our balmy 70 degree, relaxed family Saturday, by introducing Ella to Zimmerman Trail (one of our favorite places to walk and play in Billings):





As usual, Sophia and Lilikoi had a blast:



And I just have to say—fresh air, mountain views, and time with family is just about the best thing for any postpartum blues and/or temptations to depression that I might have.

Thank You, Lord, for this beautiful day!

Yours,
Tara B.

Whenever I teach on idols of the heart, I encourage people to get help to identify the things that they are tempted to make into idols (ruling lusts / habitual sins). And when people are parents, I encourage them to get help from their children to identify their idols because our kids know what REALLY ticks us off. (Thus, they can be very helpful when we’re trying to identify our idols.)

Sophia gave me a GREAT example of this in our playtime this morning when she came into the room with a new game she had invented. It has a game board, score sheet, different levels, and prizes. The way you advance to the next level is by answering questions. My questions went something like this (no kidding—these are the questions Sophie asked me, in the order she asked me them):

- “Mom. If you were serving at an event and it was the end of the event so you were really tired and hungry. And ONE woman came up to you and wanted to know more about Jesus, and ANOTHER woman came up to you and said, ‘Give Tara a break.’ Which woman would you talk with?”

- “What if you were on an airplane and someone behind you was making a lot of noise and you wanted to REST. Would you ask them to stop making noise? Or would you just find something else to do until they were quiet and THEN rest?”

- “What if you were PETER in Narnia and you were really angry with Edmund. Would you say, ”Shut up!" Or would you use gentle and polite words?"

(Can you believe it?! Oh my STARS but this kid really knows me, doesn’t she? In mere minutes, her questions revealed the desires that I am so tempted to elevate to sinful demands: the idols that so often rule my heart and control my attitude, actions, and words.)

I enjoyed playing the game a lot—it gave us some great opportunities to discuss wisdom vs. folly, righteousness vs. sin, etc. And in many ways, it was just another example of how we use HYPOTHETICALS to help us with parenting.

But my FAVORITE part of the game was how, with the last question, when I honestly said that I would HOPE to use “gentle and polite” words and NOT say something ugly like, “Shut up,” the truth was that, especially when I’m tired and REALLY angry, I sometimes use inappropriate / sinful words. This is how Sophie responded:

"Oh, Mom! Don’t worry! Here’s the great part of this game ... if you don’t get something right the first time, you get to try again and again and again and AGAIN."

“You mean, it’s a GRACIOUS game, Sophia?” I asked. “There’s a lot of GRACE?”

“Yes! Absolutely! The game doesn’t ever give up on you, just like I never give up on you.”

Now THAT’S the kind of game I like. And need.

Oh, and there was one question in the game that led to a particularly encouraging discussion for me. It went something like this:

"Mom. What if I didn’t immediately and cheerfully do something you asked me to do. Would you raise your voice to me? Or would you take me downstairs and give me a painful consequence?"

I asked, “So ... giving you a painful consequence is the RIGHT thing to do?”

“Yes!” Sophie replied. “Because if you just raise your voice to me, I would probably keep doing that every time. So then YOU would be sinning because you would be encouraging ME to keep sinning. But if you discipline me, you would help me to stop.”

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ... what a good reminder. And what an encouragement too.

Oh, how I love being the mother of these two precious girls! (Even though, yes, absolutely ... they are my PRIME idol-revealers.)



Grace to you!

Love,
Tara B.

I tried to post some photos from our trip to Yellowstone on Wednesday, but for some reason I couldn’t do so from our hotel. If you follow me on FaceBook, you’ve already seen these. But if not, here you go ...

It’s super fun traveling with two professional photographers. This is the view we get a lot:



We got VERY close to an Elk herd—very close in that SAFE distance, of course. We heard them bugling and got to see them ford the river when the male moved the herd. Very cool.



This was actually NOT Sophie’s first time in Yellowstone. Samara and I took the kids (William in utero for Samaralara) to Yellowstone with my mom AND our Golden Retriever back in 2004. Now THAT was an adventuresome road trip!



Yellowstone really is amazingly beautiful:





I enjoy Yellowstone, but I really dislike long car rides! (Long in that “we can get to Yellowstone National Park anytime we’d like because it’s only three hours away” way.)

Still, the time went fast at the end of our trip because I wrote a letter to Ella telling her all about her birth story and how much I love being her mother. I also updated our estate planning documents—but that doesn’t sound nearly as sweet and relational.

Signing off for now–

Love,
Tara B.

(& Fred & Sophia & Ella)

Great news!

Tim Keller’s Prodigal God resources are now available!

If you haven’t already read this book and shared it with others, you are going to LOVE it. And having led a group of women through it already WITHOUT the study helps, I’m particularly excited that now there are guides/questions/etc. available.

Enjoy!

We are so enjoying our visit with Joe and his beautiful fiance, Rachelle.

(Joe, you may recall, is the ONLY reason why my video series, Living the Gospel in Relationships, EXISTS. He labored for hundreds and hundreds of hours, unpaid, to complete all of the post-production and editing of the series. Without him the project never would have gotten started and it NEVER would’ve been completed.)

(Plus, Joe is just a dear, dear friend who never fails to make Fred and me laugh. )

Here are some pics from our day ...





Fun stuff! We’re hoping to make it to West Yellowstone on Wednesday, but these record cold temperatures may bring freezing rain and snow (neither of which are conducive to long road trips on mountain passes) ... so we’ll have to see how the week progresses.

Hope your day was a blessed one too!

Yours,
Tara B.

I’m home safe and sound (even with the snowfall and a tiny plane landing in Billings)—hooray! Thanks for all of the nice notes and especially the prayers too. I truly appreciate it.

Ella is asleep in my arms as I type this and Sophie keeps coming in to share more of her adventures with me. (Currently, she’s created a “fireplace” out of tinkertoys in front of the heating vent in her room. “So the heat is just like a REAL fireplace. Creative, don’t you think, Mom?” I’ll say!)



I was doing a quick Google search of my past blogs to try to find something on church leadership / how to know if your church leaders are abusive. (Does anyone remember when I wrote on that topic? I can’t find it ...)

And I stumbled on these quotes from one of my many readings of C. Plantinga’s (AMAZING!) book, Not The Way It’s Supposed to Be–A Breviary of Sin:

"We keep company with God only by adopting God’s purposes for us and following through on them even when it is difficult or initially painful to do so ...

None of our lives is an accident.
We have been called into existence, expected, awaited, equipped, and assigned.

We have been called to undertake the stewardship of a good creation, to create sturdy and buoyant families that pulse with the glad give-and-take of the generations.

By the sins of attack, we vandalize shalom.
By the sins of flight we abandon it.

When we flee responsibility, we turn our backs on God’s presence and blessing and begin the slow process of converting ourselves into derelicts.

We “hate the light and do not come to the light” (John 3:20)

[BUT!] Don’t forget the resolve of God! God wants shalom and will pay any price to get it back.

Human sin is stubborn but not as stubborn as the grace of God and not half so persistent, not half so ready to suffer to win its way."

Time to re-re-read that book. Again.

Hope your Sunday was a blessed one!

Sending my love,
Tara B.

Oh! What a joy it was to spend these two days with these amazing El Paso (and New Mexico and Mexico and apparently a bunch of other cities in Texas too) women. How precious they are! It was, as always, a joy to even TRY to encourage them.

But OH MY STARS I AM SO SICK. At first I was very concerned that it might be mastitis and I might be a) visiting the E.R. tonight; and b) unable to fly home tomorrow. But I’m pretty sure it’s just a flu bug.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt SO bad while teaching. In the second to last session? I actually thought I was going to throw up and pass out the room was spinning so much. When the (world’s KINDEST!) event host touched my arm on the 15 minute break I had, she said, “You’re soaked! Do you have a fever?” I said, “No. I’m sure it’s just because the room is so hot.” And then I learned that, apparently, the room was FREEZING ... but not for me.

(She was so gracious, she even said, “Let’s not do the last session. Let’s just get you to bed!” How kind is she to be more concerned about me than her event, eh? But I thought I could power through and I did. I shortened the last session by 30 minutes on the fly and did NOT teach well, but at least I covered most of the material.)

So anyway, I’m in a hotel room in El Paso VERY happy to be lying down and very hopeful that I can get through the night and make my flights tomorrow morning.

It’s so awful to be sick! And then to be sick away from home ... what a drag. But it’s nothing like poor Pastor Jason’s projectile vomiting when we co-taught that marriage retreat last spring on the east coast and he got food poisoning, so I don’t want to complain.

I do want to lie back down, though, so I need to sign off. I’ll close by saying this ...

If you’re ever going to be sick as a retreat speaker, do so in El Paso at Christ the King with Pastor Chuck and his gracious wife Marivi as your event hosts. Because I just can’t tell you how dumb I feel getting sick! But I know that they genuinely care about me and would do anything to help.

Such grace!

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

PS
After I typed this, I remembered the time I was even SICKER than this at an event. It was one of my very first women’s events EVER and they had flown me all the way to ALASKA. I literally got so sick that I completely, utterly, 100% LOST MY VOICE. Not the textbook way to serve if you are the SPEAKER. But just like here, those Alaskan women were so incredibly kind and I did manage to finish the event. But boy was it hard!

Thank you, Lord, for this pillow and bottle of cold water. G'nite again! Love—t

This morning as we were cuddling in bed as a family, Sophia and I shared with Fred the discussion we had earlier this week about Justification and Sanctification.

I was very encouraged that Sophie “gets” justification (as much as any of us really CAN—especially if we’re only five years old) because she explained it pretty much like this:

"Justification is like God taking a permaMent ... perNament ... permanent marker and coloring your WHOLE HEART. But sanctification is about the smudgy parts."

Ahhhhhhhhhh ... theology and office supplies. Two of my favorite things.

So apparently God has a sharpie!
I’m thrilled.

(And I’m also sitting here in SLC trying not to have a grouchy heart towards Delta since their lack of customer service has inconvenienced me. No big deal! But oh how air travel can really reveal the areas of my heart in need of further smudgy-ness-removal.)

Happy Thursday to you—

Yours,
Tara B.

I haven’t read a blog in forever and I’m totally out of touch news-wise. But looking for a laugh, I clicked over to CakeWrecks at the end of the day today and was SO not disappointed.

It’s posts like this that keep me coming back:

"So Funny" in Bold with Exclamation Mark

Oh my STARS! But that’s good stuff. Hope you enjoy.

BTW—Fred’s home safe and sound, although we did almost die in a head-on collision on airport road minutes after he got home. Apparently, some Montanans are not that familiar with roundabouts and someone decided to GO THE WRONG DIRECTION on the brand-spankin-new roundabout by our little airport. Thank God Fred was paying attention and avoided the crash. (Shudder!) Maybe our little local news stations need to do some PSAs on the roundabout ("Traffic goes in ONE direction ...").

Heading to bed now—

G'nite and God bless,
Tara B.

If you don’t already know the story of (Peacemaker staff members) Rick and Annette Friesen and the adoption of their beautiful daughter, Christina, you may really enjoy this video:

Flight Leads to Girl’s Adoption

Actually? Even if you know the story, you’ll be blessed to re-hear it, I am sure.

What a beautiful picture of God’s adoption of His children! (Ephesians 1 says that He chose us in Him before the creation of the world. Just as Annette chose to love and adopt Christina even before she had even ever SEEN her.)

I will never forget when Christina came into our church family. What a gift of God she is to US! And I’ve been told that the very day Rick and Annette took her home, they walked her around the house and pointed out pretty much everything and said, “See that chair? That’s YOURS, Christina. And those books? YOURS. This bed is yours and these CDs are yours. Oh! And here are your brothers and sisters and cousins and a Golden Retriever puppy too. This is your home. Forever.”

Grace grace grace! I respected Rick and Annette way before they met and adopted Christina. But I have to say ... my heart SWELLED with love for them (even though I don’t know them very well) when I heard this story.

Hope you enjoy the video! (And HT to CrazyBrittleGlass for the link on FB.)

Yours,
Tara B.

(Please bear with the gaps in this story and the lack of some details. I only have permission from Sophia to share a portion of our day with you. And I always honor her requests re: what we share and what stays private.)

Today I was just about as frustrated and angry and sad as I have ever been as a parent.

I’m sure the situation was compounded by my deep, on-the-edge-of-tears exhaustion and the post-baby-post-surgeries hormone re-set my body is facing. But mostly, it was just a normal, frustrating day of “one big sinner helping one little sinner” (Dan Doriani’s definition of parenthood).

As I went to talk with Sophia at the end of the day, she said something to me with so much conviction and passion that I knew she really meant it:

"Mom? I’m so sorry. Tomorrow I PROMISE I’ll be a better little kid."

Oh, friends! Can I just tell you how the room SPUN in that moment when I looked into the tear-stained eyes of my sweet little girl and saw so clearly MY OWN (earnest but flawed!) response to my sin?

What a lie!
What a trap!
What a counsel of despair.

To tell ourselves, “Tomorrow I’ll do better!” "Tomorrow I’ll BE better!" It simply isn’t true. And that’s exactly what I told Sophia:

"Soph, honey, love bug? I appreciate your earnestness but I have to correct you. There is simply NO WAY that you are going to wake up tomorrow and “be a good kid.” The truth is that you are going to wake up tomorrow and be the very same kid you are right now.

So what is the TRUTH about who you are RIGHT NOW?

Are you a “very bad kid” like you just said? Or are you a very LOVED kid who sometimes does bad things?"

And here is yet another CLASSIC response from her. Oh! How SIMILAR we are!

"Mom? I know that’s true. But sometimes I don’t FEEL like it’s true."

Welcome to the battle of faith’s fight against sin, eh?

Today I raised my voice and sinned against God and my daughter by my selfish, angry tone. I am (rightfully) ashamed. I’ve confessed to God and to Sophie and I am assured of their forgiveness. And I really WANT to change. I DON’T want Sophia to be raised by an angry mom who uses a harsh tone of voice. I DETERMINE to change. “I will be calm and gentle! I will be calm and gentle!”

And then ...
And then ...

It’s a little thing. A nothing. Socks in the middle of the bedroom floor. Again. (I mean, who cares? What a dumb thing!) But I get ANGRY. I am short-tempered. I am my own little frustrated god lashing out because I’m not getting exactly what I want when I want it.

What a jerk!
And what a nightmare of a parent.

And so I repent. Again. And determine to change. (Which, by the way, is not a bad thing. I DO need to change!)

But how does a Christian change? Ah hah! Now we’re getting down to the nut of it. And this is exactly what Sophie and I talked about tonight:

We remember the difference between justification and sanctification.

(At that, Soph had to jump out of bed to get a paper and pencil because she really wanted to draw/graph it all out.)

See, there’s my heart before I was saved by God. 100% lost. And then there’s my heart after God saved—JUSTIFIED—me. ("And what does justify mean, Sophia?" “FORGIVEN!” "That’s RIGHT." Good ol' catechism. “God forgives all my sins and accepts me as righteous through Christ.” Double imputation! Yes!)

“But why, then, do I lose my temper and use such a rude tone with you?”

“Three enemies.” (And then she drew them all.) “Satan. The world. And your Old Man.” Right. “And what is my only hope? How can I EVER change?”

“SANCTIFICATION.” "Yes!" What does it mean that God is sanctifying me? Is He angry with me and does He stop loving me until I figure out a way to be better?" “NO! God loves His children. Your WHOLE HEART is His” (as her picture clearly shows) “but He is also making you more and more holy in heart and conduct.”

Yes.
That’s our hope.
Not that WE fix ourselves and stop doing bad and start doing good.
But that “while we were yet sinners, Christ died for US.”
God loves us. God forgives us. And God is changing us to be more like Jesus.

I’m telling you, friends. I simply do not know how a person can get through a day—and especially how a person could raise a child!—without the hope and assurance of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I have been in so many ways the worst mother in the world today.
But I can sit here, holding Ella so she can breathe a little easier, hoping to MAYBE get even a few hours of sleep tonight—all without crushing guilt and condemnation because I am forgiven. By God. By my daughter.

And tomorrow? Yes, I will re-read “Uprooting Anger” and “Heart of Anger” to hopefully remind myself of what’s happening in my heart so that I can more readily turn away from my sin. (We are called to be diligent and dutiful in faith’s fight against sin!)

But I will not do so to EARN BACK God’s love or EARN BACK Sophie’s love. Not FOR their love. But FROM the place of their gracious, merciful, forgiving love.

(Oh, and my daughter, likewise, does not have to wake up and worry about how to get “back into my good graces.” Because she’s already there.)

Thank you, Lord, for the Cross.
And for Your Spirit.
Your Word.
Your Bride.

Thank you for Your Means of Grace—special and ordinary.
For not leaving us as orphans.
For not leaving us trapped in our sin.

Q. 108
Of what use are the Ten Commandments to you?
They teach me what is pleasing to God, and how much I need a Savior.

Amen!

And G'nite, all.

Your friend,
Tara B.

It’s been a long day around here.

Ella’s congestion makes it very hard for her to breathe, so I have to hold her upright and use the nasal bulb aspirator constantly.

That doesn’t leave a lot of time for Sophia (or productivity or sleep)—because whenever I put Ella down, she just cries and cries.

(I often wonder in these situations how big families survive. I’ve done literally NOTHING else today. What do you do when you have bunches and bunches of little ones? Just have the baby cry hysterically? Or are the older kids old enough to HOLD the baby while you attend to other needs??)

Anyway ... it’s been a long day and I am exhausted. But I am going to bed (hah! not like I’m going to get to sleep) ...

I am heading into the evening hours grateful for many things, but in particular, three graces:

1. When Fred called from Illinois and I was scolding Sophia and she was melting down and Ella was crying hysterically and Lili needed to be fed (etc. etc.), he didn’t rebuke me. He didn’t even counsel me. He just gave me mercy (I surely DESERVED a rebuke!) and gratitude (even though I sure was feeling like pretty much the world’s worst mother!) and encouraged me.

2. Ella stopped crying long enough for Sophia and I to cuddle, talk, be fully reconciled, and head into our evening with a fresh start. (Oh, and BTW–one of the reasons Ella calmed down is because she was, yet again, MESMERIZED by her crib mobile. Or, as Fred and I like to call it, “The Best Money We’ve Ever Spent!” If you’re ever in market for a lavish (but worth it!) gift for a baby, we highly recommend the Tiny Love: Symphony in Motion Mobile. Both Soph and Eleanor have been fascinated by it.)

3. ELLA NURSED! I can’t tell you what an answer to prayer this is for me. She has had SUCH a hard time breathing that she just hasn’t been nursing well or taking her baba milkies well either. I just can’t tell you how CALMING and ENCOURAGING it is for me that she has nursed well this evening.

And with that? I’m going to do a little reading / praying / cuddling with Sophia, while hopefully wooing Eleanor into a little sleep.

Thank God for daily grace!

Yours,
Tara B.

(Only if you want to make your daughter deliriously happy, I guess.)



(I thought her face was going to split open this morning, she was grinning so broadly when she saw the snow. “Mom! Mom! Would you PLEASE help me to get my SNOW SHOVEL down?!?” She really loves that thing.)

Sorry for the poor photo quality, Fred has the camera with him in Illinois as he spends time with his mom and brothers at GG’s memorial service today, so I did my best to figure out my cell phone camera.

We’re off to see Ella’s doctor in a few minutes—
And then we’d probably better stop and find some new boots for Sophia. She had to really stuff her little tosies into this pair.

Happy Monday to you!

Yours,
Tara B.

Can you make the call? Which is Sophia and which is Ella?

(Fred and I often get stuck. )









Fun stuff!

Have to run to refill the humidifier/vaporizer and do some boogey-sucking now for poor Eleanor. She is struggling so hard to breathe!

Hope your Sunday is a blessed one—

Your friend,
Tara B.

Sophie and I had a fun morning making a card / fan for Grandma Chris. Fred flies out at 6AM tomorrow for GG’s memorial service and we wanted to send something special. I’m trusting that anything involving tissue paper, glitter glue, feathers and googly-eyes will (hopefully) qualify as special:



She picked out the project from a very old “Childcraft” book from Grandma Chris that we absolutely love:



We also had another sweet Grandma Chris moment today when, after a particularly beautiful violin practice time (my heart is SO blessed by Sophie’s playing!), I gave to her a needlepoint that my mother-in-law made for me the Christmas that Fred and I got engaged:



I remember that I cried when I opened it because my spiritual grandmother, Grandma Doris, had that exact same, “Music is a fair and glorious gift of God” needlepoint next to her piano for 50 years of lessons and love.

So lots of grace in our day—even though Poor Ella has developed this cold too and is struggling to nurse. Again.

Hope your weekend is kicking off to a blessed start!

Yours,
Tara B.

Here’s a quick request for all of my blog readers (and in particular, the ones who know me in “real life”):

If you ever think that one of my blog posts might be about you or a situation you know about ...

Or if you have concerns about me, my parenting, what I share in my writing / teaching / blogging ...

Rather than talking to OTHERS about it, please do consider contacting me directly.

In so doing, we may be able to clear up a miscommunication. (I often file blog ideas away for MONTHS and then change the facts SUBSTANTIALLY just to avoid even the possibility that someone might see themselves in a post. So you may THINK that you know the situation, but it might be something entirely different.)

Also, if we do actually know each other in real life, it will help our relationship to be genuine. Loving. Real. (It is very hard to trust when you know that there are people talking about you behind your back.)

And of course, I may genuinely need your counsel (and even your rebuke)! The truth is, I always try my hardest to focus on MY heart when I blog—and not the other person in any situation. So hopefully I’m discussing my struggles with unbelief, sin, repentance, confession, etc., and NOT someone else’s (unless I have their express and explicit permission.) But sometimes I blow it! I’ve received (appropriate) rebukes from blog friends in the past and taken down posts in response—how much more so should I listen to the counsel and concerns of a “real life” friend?

So, please. Truly. If you have a concern with me or with this blog, please don’t talk to others about it. Please approach me. Or if I’m too scary, please go to Fred (he’s not scary!) or my pastor, Jason Barrie (he’s not scary either!), and they will help you to help me.

Nameless, faceless, anonymous criticism through a third person is just a hard thing for anyone to bear. Please consider avoiding it.

Thanks much—

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
Thanks for all of the nice, encouraging comments. I really appreciate it!

My friend and I are continuing to work through Ed Welch’s addictions curriculum, "Crossroads". It is definitely worth the read, especially if you appreciated his book, "Addictions: A Banquet at the Grave", if you struggle with an addiction, and/or if you know and love someone who struggles with an addiction.

Today’s lesson included two quotes (one in the facilitator’s guide and the other in the basic material) that I wanted to share with you:

"Are you frustrated with someone? Don’t bury it. Someday it will come out as a craving for your addiction."

“Bad relationships left to stew and ferment end in cravings.”

Isn’t that SO true?

Even if you don’t think of yourself as an “addict,” can’t you relate to those statements?

Someone hurts us, and so we ...

- turn on the television
- go shopping
- indulge a little too much in (food, s*x, exercise, sleep)

We stuff it down and run away (even if we’re physically present). But one day, it IS going to erupt. Our hurts, frustrations, and resentments WILL show themselves in our cravings.

Oh! How I am praying for FAITH and an obedient heart to overlook, have a (gracious, forbearing) thick skin, and (when necessary), FORGIVE.

Blessings on your Thursday! I’m going to start laundry and packing now ...

Yours,
Tara B.