Redemptive Relationships,  Relationships & Peacemaking,  Sin & Repentance

This confrontation was hard — but oh, so good.

January 28, 2018 /

Recently, I was confronted on an important topic by someone I trust and admire.

Thankfully, God had graciously helped me to prepare for this meeting by calling me to prayer, reflection (I mentally worked through the Scripture passages and questions in the very same “Peacemaker Workbook” that I have used with mediation clients for over twenty years now), and listening to two spiritually-mature, insightful friends who know me quite well (and thus, they know my strengths, weaknesses, and proclivities in general).

So I was in a pretty good place when the meeting started and I can honestly say that the vast majority of the meeting was deeply enjoyable for me. I had the privilege of discussing substantively rich content on complicated and eternally important topics. My mind was engaged. My heart was engaged. I really do respect and admire this person, and I am passionate about the topics we discussed, so all of that was great. But, then. Sure. Of course. The few minutes that my friend (bravely) spent talking with me about my (mistake? bad decision? flat-out error?) were not, shall we say, particularly pleasant. Even between two Christians who trust, respect, and care about each other, confrontation is never that enjoyable. But this confrontation was oh, so good.

This morning, I woke up praying for this friend, and also for the things we discussed, and mulling over what made this difficult aspect of the conversation / this confrontation so good. Before I had to jump into my family duties, I came up with four things. There are probably more, but here is a start:

  • First of all–this confrontation was good because this friend spoke to me rather than about me to others. Right there, with just that one step, aren’t we in the realm of that which is “good”?! I think so. And I think that every family, friend, workplace, church—every every relationship would be better if we all just followed this one rule and spoke to people rather than about them.
  • Secondly, my friend’s confrontation was good because it gave me an opportunity to learn and grow. This friend’s confrontation helped me to remedy an error in my thinking and communicating. And, with God’s help, I truly don’t think I will make this same mistake again. (I hope and pray not anyway!) He was clear, direct, and I found his point to be persuasive. I think that is a gift!
  • Third, this confrontation was good because this person (to use Ken Sande’s term) had “passport” into my life: I trusted him. I knew he cared about me as a person (not just about this substantive topic/issue). And he was competent to help in this situation for two reasons: 1) He had experience and expertise; and 2) He humbly recognized that he is a learner (just like me), with his own things to work on/blind-spots, etc, so he spoke to me as a fellow pilgrim, not (to use David Powlison’s term) from a “pedestal” with me way-way-down-there in the “pit“.
  • Finally, this confrontation was “good” because it was accurate. Not too harsh. But also not that passive “sort of” confrontation where someone just talks at an angle about something—but never just spits it out and says what is on their heart. Or worse! Hands out an article or forwards a link to a big group of people about a “general topic” (that is CLEARLY about one person). Yeeeky-yeek-yeesh! Or probably my least, least favorite: the fakey-fake-fake-“OREO” of confrontation where someone says something NICE about you and then whaps you upside the head with the negative thing that is REALLY the reason this person is talking to you at all, and then (to close out the “oreo”) tries to say something nice to whatever bloody, bleeding emotional lump is left of you. Whoa, Nelly. No fun. Maybe some people find it to be a wise way to confront, but I have never found “the oreco” confrontation model to be a particularly redemptive or helpful model.

 
I’d like to reflect more on those four points, but I hear my kids moving around now, so my day is officially starting now and I need to scoot.

If you’d like to read more on the topic of confrontation and/or confession, here are some links that might prove helpful to you. Some of these I review often:

Hope these resources are helpful to you and that your day is a blessed one—

Your friend,
Tara B.

[a re-post from January of 2015] 

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