Why was I so afraid? I had forgotten about the overlapping spheres of Authority, Power, and Responsibility

The other day, I was extremely anxious about a certain meeting I had to have. It was strange to feel so anxious, because the meeting was really about something fun and relaxing. And yet, I was obviously stressed—more and more stressed as the meeting time approached.

And so I prayed. I journaled. And I called a friend. Her patient listening, insightful questions, and wise counsel were just what I needed to see more clearly what was really going on in the depths of my soul:

I was keenly aware that this person was involved in a number of conflicts and stressful situations that were hurting people I care about. Honestly? I knew he was well-meaning, loving, and trying hard to love God and neighbor. But for whatever reason (immaturity, blindness, emotional and relational cluelessness?), he still left “a wake of hurting, bleeding people” behind him (just as my first coauthor and I did when we were in our 20’s).

And I was afraid to meet with him because I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t fix the situations or resolve the conflicts (that really had nothing to do with me). I couldn’t protect myself from being hurt by him. And most frighteningly, he reminded me WAY TOO MUCH of my 20-something-self.

So how did I respond to this insight? I repented. I repented of my over-fixation on SELF that was really at the heart of my inappropriate emotions. (Ididn’t want to be hurt. I wanted to protect the people I care about. I wanted to fix things. I wanted him to stop doing this!)

I also remembered that just as God had brought wise and mature Christians around me to help me to grow, God was faithfully bringing wise and godly men and women around this person too. God is sanctifying us! And He will complete the task of conforming us to the image of His Son.

And in one of those, “I’ve said this to other people a THOUSAND times! Why did I forget to tell MYSELF this too?!” moments, I also remembered:

1. I have no authority over this man. Other people do (workplace, church). But I don’t. So why I am getting myself into a lather over trying to protect others from him? The leaders are on it. I can pray, encourage, love, and trust that God has put those authorities in place for His purposes. And I am not in authority in this situation.
2. I really don’t even have much power in this situation. I have maybe a little bit of power, a little bit of influence. I have some opportunities to reflect on the situation and share a little counsel or encouragement (like this meeting). But I’m not a close friend of his. I’m not formally being brought in by any of the conflicted parties to assist as a mediator. So really? I don’t have much power.
3. Which would totally freak me out if I felt I had RESPONSIBILITY. Yes. There it is. I was taking on the responsibility for these situations even though I have neither the authority nor the power to “fix them.” Feeling responsible and not having what you need to do anything about it? This is a recipe for stress and misery. (It’s why so many people quit their jobs! They are given tasks to do without the authority or power to do them and then they are blamed when things don’t get done. It’s just awful to feel that way.)

 

But in my situation, even a cursory review of the fact that I don’t have any authority in this situation and I have only a very SMALL amount of power, QUICKLY showed me that I was taking on responsibilities that were not mine. Oh, sure, I have a certain level of responsibility—to love God and neighbor, to work hard to protect the unity of the saints through the bond of peace, etc. But beyond that, these conflicts were not MY conflicts and I didn’t have to pick them up and carry them as though they were. (“Not my table!” as the waitresses say.”)

And so. I went to the meeting feeling happy, content in Christ, eager to enjoy by brother … and everything went just fine. Whew! This relational stuff is HARD. But really? It’s not even about the relationship with this person, is it? It’s about my heart-orientation and whether I live out what I believe—that God is God; I am not God; God is in control of everything and He is good; I am neither in control of everything nor good. But I am His. And this is His world.

“This is my Father’s world, dreaming, I see His face.
I ope my eyes, and in glad surprise cry, “The Lord is in this place.”

This is my Father’s world, from the shining courts above,
The Beloved One, His Only Son,
Came—a pledge of deathless love.

This is my Father’s world, should my heart be ever sad?
The lord is King—let the heavens ring. God reigns—let the earth be glad.

This is my Father’s world. Now closer to Heaven bound,
For dear to God is the earth Christ trod.
No place but is holy ground.”

[A re-post from 2012]