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This confrontation was hard — but oh, so good.
Recently, I was confronted on an important topic by someone I trust and admire. Thankfully, God had graciously helped me to prepare for this meeting by calling me to prayer, reflection (I mentally worked through the Scripture passages and questions in the very same “Peacemaker Workbook” that I have used with mediation clients for over twenty years now), and listening to two spiritually-mature, insightful friends who know me quite well (and thus, they know my strengths, weaknesses, and proclivities in general). So I was in a pretty good place when the meeting started and I can honestly say that the vast majority of the meeting was deeply enjoyable for me. I had the privilege of…
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Loving Confrontation Will Not Ultimately Harm Us (Even if It Hurts)
Talking with someone about an apparent sin or temptation has to be one of the most difficult things to do in all of life. Yesterday, my five year-old brought some excellent questions about why Galatians 6:1 “rescue” and Matthew 7 “helping someone with the speck in their eye” are not the same thing as being the “proud, super-holy, Pharisee people” (in Luke 7) who judged the woman who was wiping Jesus’ feet with her tears and her hair: “Aren’t we JUDGING and thinking we are BETTER when we talk with people about this hard stuff?” she asked me, so sincerely. What a good question! And what a loooooooong conversation we had to…
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Wisdom re: Confrontation from Pastor Jack Miller
I’m really enjoying The Heart of a Servant Leader: Letters from Jack Miller. Consider just a brief excerpt from a letter encouraging an elder who was needing to confront a member of the church regarding a sensitive topic: ‘In circumstances of high emotional intensity, I assume almost automatically that there have been some miscommunications and misapprehensions which need to be taken seriously. So I pray for wisdom to see what things may be heating up the situation unnecessarily and confusing communication. One of the things that almost always turns up is a feeling of rejection in the person being counseled in a conflict situation. The presence of this feeling…
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RED FLAG Re: Confrontation
(To learn more about the topic of redemptive confrontation click here to purchase my video series and books.)
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Redemptive Confrontation: “God wants us to adjust the intensity of our communication to fit the other person’s position and the urgency of the situation.”
From Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker: “Talking to other people about a conflict is usually an unpleasant experience. We often let tensions build to the exploding point and then confront people with a list of their wrongs. They become defensive and react with a list of our wrongs, which leads to a painful battle of words. Those who are more verbally skilled may win a few arguments this way, but in the process they lose many important relationships. The gospel opens the door for an entirely different approach to talking to others about their role in a conflict. Remembering God’s mercy towards us, we can approach others in a spirit of…
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The Blessing of a Specific Confrontation
I learned recently that I had hurt a friend of mine years ago. I was surprised and immediately contacted her to try to work through the conflict. We had a difficult, but good, conversation and thought we had left reconciled. After a few weeks, I touched base with her again (she lives out of state so I don’t see her regularly) — just to see how we were doing and find out if there was anything further I could do to pursue peace between us. In our second conversation, she graciously shared with me that as she reflected on the offense and our recent conversation, she realized that she did…
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The Loving of Awkward People and People We Intensely Dislike
From D.A. Carson’s book, Love in Hard Places (bold and italicized emphases mine): Not all Christians face persecuting enemies, but all Christians face little enemies. We encounter people whose personality we intensely dislike— – an obstreperous deacon or church leader – a truly revolting relative – an employee or employer who specializes in insensitivity, rudeness, and general arrogance – people with whom you have differed on some point of principle who take all differences in a deeply personal way and who nurture bitterness for decades, stroking their own self-righteousness and offended egos as they go – insecure little people who resent and try to tear down those who are even marginally…
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She Views the Whole of Me Through the Lens of the Worst of Me
Have you ever had a confusing over-reaction to something someone says or does? I have. Years ago, I was confronted by one of those women who just always seem to have it all together. (Do you know any women like that?) I had invited her confrontation in my life. I wanted to grow and change. I know that redemptive criticism is an important part of maturing. But man! When she started in on her LIST I felt like I was being shot with a big gun right through my heart. I couldn’t even understand what I was feeling more or less what I was thinking. The power of speech had left me entirely and in…
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God’s Grace and Truth Touching our “Central Insecurities”
Yesterday, I had a wonderfully interesting and edifying conversation about the difference between guilt and shame—and why assurances of forgiveness do not comfort us when we are burdened by ungodly shame. (For more on that topic, I encourage you to read one of the few books I have ever endorsed–Ed Welch’s excellent book, Shame Interrupted. There is also a chapter on Shame in my first book, Peacemaking Women.) Our discussion reminded me of some notes I took from a specific letter in The Heart of a Servant Leader: Letters from Jack Miller. In this letter, Pastor Jack was reflecting on a young, gifted leader who seemed to struggle with perfectionism and shame. (Please note: there is much more…
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Why was I so afraid? I had forgotten about the overlapping spheres of Authority, Power, and Responsibility
The other day, I was extremely anxious about a certain meeting I had to have. It was strange to feel so anxious, because the meeting was really about something fun and relaxing. And yet, I was obviously stressed—more and more stressed as the meeting time approached. And so I prayed. I journaled. And I called a friend. Her patient listening, insightful questions, and wise counsel were just what I needed to see more clearly what was really going on in the depths of my soul: I was keenly aware that this person was involved in a number of conflicts and stressful situations that were hurting people I care about. Honestly? I knew…
