A book? Or a FRIEND?

I heard from a (very busy!) woman this weekend who asked me for a BOOK RECOMMENDATION because she was feeling a bit overwhelmed with parenting, work, church, and marriage responsibilities.

At one point in her email, she said:

‘I’d like some help with believing that I need personal downtime. I know it to be true some where deep inside, but it’s SO hard to find the time – I’d like to be convinced that it’s true and given some help with what to do with the time I take. I have no real girlfriend – so it would just be special time alone.’

Well … COPIED BELOW (with the name changed) is what I wrote in reply …

(Does this make you very nervous to ever write me with a question? Man! My pastor really is right … ‘With Tara, why five words when 500 will CLEARLY do?!’)

Love to all and Happy Monday!
— Tara B.

Dear Cathy,

Wow! What interesting and important questions. I’m sorry it’s taken me a few days to respond … if you read my blog, then you’ll know that this weekend I was overwhelmingly busy with a big surprise project for my beloved husband, but still … I do try to respond in a more timely manner when I can.

🙂

All that to say …

I think that I could recommend some books that you might enjoy … but if I might be so bold, I think that I would, instead, like to suggest that maybe what would be a blessing to you would be the prayerful grace of reminding yourself of the lavish gospel for YOU! (And although books might be helpful in this regard—true gospel ministry really happens in relationship.)

SO … I would really encourage you to pray for a friend. (A ‘real girlfriend’ as you said in your note.) To pray! And then to take steps to actively seek to grow and deepen one—or maybe two—intimate friendships with other women.

You know, Cathy, all of the other stuff you mentioned (not respecting your husband; not feeling like you are fulfilling your responsibilities as a wife and mother; knowing what is true but having a hard time being ‘convinced’ of it) … these are SUCH important concerns and truly burdens that I hear regularly from (obviously gifted & intelligent & godly & loving) women like yourself.

And (just like me!) … ‘go-getter / accomplishing lots of good and important things’-type women are QUICK to look for the ‘THING WE SHOULD DO.’ (Read this book; listen to this sermon; do this; do that; fix this; fix that.)

BUT … I think I’m becoming more and more convinced every day that what we REALLY need is not to ‘do’ more … but to remember.

– To remember who we WERE (dead in our sins! Wretched! Unlovely and unlovable! Orphans, rejected, homeless!)
– To remember Who God IS (good, faithful, perfect, holy, merciful, compassionate—not in some GENERIC way, but in a REAL, PERSONAL, SAVING WAY FOR HIS BELOVED DAUGHTER—YOU!!)
– To remember who we ARE—who we truly, truly are (beloved, wanted, safe, forgiven, adopted, LOVED)

You know—the only way we can honor our (imperfect—and I know there are a lot of husbands who are just AWFUL!!!!) husbands is to remember how AWFUL we are as compared to God; and yet how gracious God is to us … and that we honor our husbands out of love for GOD, not our husbands.

The only way we can grow in our PEACE AND JOY as we go about our wifery and mothering duties (which some of us do well and others—like me!—not so well!) … is to be reminding ourselves continually throughout our day of God’s love for us because of JESUS. And then we strive to faithful and obedient and WHEN we fail (when, not if) … we RUN TO THE CROSS. We thank God for the Cross—the entire finished work of JESUS. And we TRUST HIM. And we WORSHIP HIM. And we thank Him for his grace.

(And you know, as we begin to drink in that grace for ourselves, it WILL begin to splash out on others—our husband, child, co-workers, women’s ministry participants, church members, community members, etc. etc.)

AND … as we go through life learning to be who we already are; growing to be who we already are … I DO believe that those of us who struggle with SLOTH or disorganization WILL grow to be more diligent and careful; and those of us who struggle with NO MARGIN and NO REST and NO FUN … well, we WILL grow to learn how to just sit and be and rest and ENJOY too.

 

But it’s all a process.
And many of the present means of GRACE—The Word, The Body—really are ministered to us in COMMUNITY.

– We’re around a certain woman and we laugh a little more.
– We’re around another woman and our heart breaks and we learn to counsel the Word a little more.
– Some friends challenge us to be more disciplined and diligent.
– Others challenge us to play more poker and wrestle with our dogs on the floor.
– We see something and say, ‘Yup! I want to grow in that way.’
– We see other things and say, ‘Nope! That’s not where the Lord has our family right now.’
– Men confront men and encourage men and help men. (Often MUCH better than us wives.)
– Women learn to accept and enjoy each other—even when we aren’t instinctively and initially ‘attracted’ to each other.
– Etc. Etc. etc.

SO ……

All that to say ……….

Yes! I have book / resource recommendations …

– Read ‘How People Change’ by Lane and Tripp! It’s FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!! The BEST book I read in 2006 and one I will read and re-read over and over again.
– Check out the CCEF Annual Conference CDs from 2005 – they are all on ANGER and the ones on marriage might be a particular blessing to you.
– For rest/margin in life? Hmmmmmmmmm …. boy ……….. I’m not sure on that one. But again, I wonder if rest and margin isn’t something more to be experienced with a trip to Borders and a sweet visit with a friend over a skinny mocha?
– OR … if maybe your schedule really IS out of control and you need to cut back? (Have you graphed out every hour of your week on an Excel spreadsheet and seen where you spend your time and what is reasonable? A VERY helpful exercise if you haven’t done it before.)

Ooooooooooh …. I hope that this email is even a TINY TEENY BIT encouraging to you, Cathy!

I prayed for you today. Thanks again for writing!

In Christ our Joy,
Tara B.