Dreading the Holidays? Dreading the PEOPLE at the Holidays? Here are five things to remember that might encourage and protect you from further harm …

kept outside

In 2018, at age 48, I can honestly say that I truly enjoy the holidays. I love celebrating Advent; I think icing sugar cookies is fun. I even like the chaos and clutter of the tree and decorations, etc. etc. But it is the quiet of the holidays that I love the most.

I know that may sound strange to many of you because your calendar’s cup overfloweth in a whirling dervish of concerts, parties, crafting, shopping, hosting, etc. But for our little family of three introverts + Ella, we gear down over the holidays because we are so happy to have me not traveling for speaking events and so grateful for any and all vacation time that Fred can take off from work. We are pretty much a caricature of a nerdy family sitting around in our Christmas jammies doing a thousand piece puzzle while carols, OK, musicals & oldies from the 1980’s play. Mmmmmm. Happy, safe, relaxed Christmas fun.

This has not always been the case.

Most of my childhood holidays were rife with unhappy, drunk people yelling (slurring) unhappy, ugly words as doors slammed, items were flung, and wayyyyy too much alcohol was imbibed.

Even after my parents divorced and I escaped living in either of their homes (I lived with friends from age 16-on after I rescued my mother from a suicide attempt), the holidays were still a strange, stiff mix of visits wherein we tried to be something we were not (loving, united) while exchanging obligatory gifts we either could not afford or did not care about … sometimes in locked down wards of mental asylums or detox centers (for my mother); sometimes in new apartments for my dad with the latest “girlfriend” he picked up in a bar, pawing him and glaring at us. (“When will those kids get out of here so we can go back to having our fun?!?”)

One time, as a child, I remember seeing a loaded handgun in my dad’s suitcase. I panicked. Froze. I TRULY THOUGHT HE HAD COME TO “VISIT” MY SISTER AND ME SO THAT HE COULD KILL US!!

NOTHING could calm me down or convince me otherwise. He had told me all my life that I was a burden to him and his life would be SO much better if I was just NOT THERE. I sincerely thought that he was going to kill me in my sleep so that all of his dreams could come true because I “just wouldn’t be there any more.”

This is no longer my reality (Thank God!), but shadows of its legacy remain, and occasionally I respond to ostensibly normal situations with out-of-proportion fear. Especially at the holidays. Especially when it comes to being not wanted, excluded, judged and laughed at and rejected by the people who claim with their words, “We love you!” But whose actions (and inactions) communicate only one thing:

Tara? We do not want you here. Seriously! Go Away!

Even just this week, old emotions splashed up from my heart in such raw and real ways that I wept and prayed for every single one of you who isn’t dancing a happy jig on your way home to a Folger’s Christmas Commercial family time. I am so sorry for your loneliness! I grieve for the trauma and abandonment you have experienced. And I long to point you to the Living God who alone can comfort you—ultimately comfort you—and help you to grieve, risk, trust, forgive, and love again. (Even if, for certain relationships, forgiving and loving means wise distance, including even the protection of prison glass or no contact at all between you and your former abuser—remember: Justice can be grace!)

Yes, if I could, I would comfort each and every one of you—from a non-touching-distance if that was what felt most loving to you; or tucked entirely under my plus-sized-grandma-arms, as I wiped your tears and stroked your hair and told you over and over again how glad I was to see you and how special, wanted, precious, and beloved you are. All of the words that seem so natural to so many of us, and to our children (praise God!) … but words that many, many of us never heard from our own parents.

For many of us, this is our story and it is worthy of grief. It does not give us an excuse for bitterness or hatred—or a lifetime of lovelessness!—but it is worthy of tears. And I would bawl a bucket of tears just for you.

I would also offer you a little bit of advice, if you would indulge me.

Even as you approach that childhood street corner or tuck under that dining room table that puts knots in your stomach even before you take one bite of jello with shredded carrots and lettuce in it (true story—BLECH!!) … Before you slip into those mental ruts you’ve pretty much mastered from childhood on, remember who you are in Christ. You are a new creation (2 Cor 5:17), a city no longer deserted (Isaiah 62:12), forsaken by your parents but never by the Lord (Psalm 27:10). Your old name may have been “Stupid” or “Worthless” or “Incapable of Loving or Being Loved.” But now your name is Hephzibah: The Lord’s Delight is in Her (Isaiah 62:4). All of those voices of shame?! Screaming at you from your flesh, the world, and even from satan himself? Tell them to HUSH! Be silent. You may feel that unlovely and unlovable, and influential people in your life may even say that you are unlovely and unlovable, but the truth is—because the Truth says it (!)—you are a friend of Jesus (John 15:15). And there is no depth you can plunge or height you can scamper into in order to miss the love of God in Christ for you (Ephesians 3:14-21).
Truth #1 is especially important to remember when (probably not if) you blow it. Really blow it. Fail to be the super-duper-GOSPEL-living-light-for-Christ-good-guy-or-good-gal around the people you actually care about, possibly the most, but who just KNOW HOW TO GET YOUR GOAT and bug the living life out of you like no other people on the planet. Yup. That’s family. Just when you think you’ve taken a few steps of sanctification forward, BAM! You are reminded with great specificity why the doctrine of sinless perfectionism is a heresy and why your only boast is in the sinless perfection of Jesus Christ (2 Cor 5:21). I know it’s mortifying! But don’t fight your appropriate regret over any childish sins you commit—admit them all and mortify them all as you express again how grateful you are for your Savior.
It may be too late for this year, but for future holidays, I encourage you to consider listening to the excellent advice Fred and I received from our Elder and Mrs. F. many years ago. They loved their extended families, but the obligatory family get-togethers at major holidays were a drag. They were not God-honoring; there was much unpleasantness; and they pretty much regretted them from the moment they started planning the trips until the moment the visits were over. Until. One year, they decided not to be present at The Major Family Holiday Get-Together. Oh! That did not go over well. But they continued to prioritize the relationships and always made it a point to see the family each year on dates that did not coincide with major holidays. This allowed them to celebrate Christian holidays as their family deemed best and it actually strengthened their relationships with their extended families because all of the pressure and stress (normally associated with a major holiday) was absent from the visit. Fred and I were shocked when we first heard this! How could it be? Just not go on the actual holiday?! Yes! For some families, this is a much more loving and honoring way to go. You may want to consider it.
(Hmmmmm. I’m shaking in my Keds as I type this one. I’ve actually typed and deleted it like five times now. But I’m going to go ahead and leave it in …) For some of you? I think the best advice I can give you is don’t go at all. Just stay away from your extended family. Maybe not forever, but certainly for now. There may be violence. Open use of addictive substances that will knock you off your track of wise and sober living. Just plain ol’ lost and mean people who delight in blaming you for everything bad, while acknowledging nothing good or lovely about you. Careful here! This is a tricky one and you’re going to need great wisdom from Heaven (James 3) and the counsel of the people who know you best (Prov 11:14) to keep you from sliding off of wisdom and into selfishness. As Christians, we are called to suffer. God loved us when we were his enemies (Rom 5:10)! So in view of his mercies, we offer ourselves as living sacrifices (Romans 12—read the whole chapter over and over again and strive to live it out). Yes, we do good—repeated, painful, costly good—to people who don’t deserve it. Isn’t that’s what mercy is? Undeserved? But even in saying all of that, we are wise. To paraphrase Ed Welch—we are not obsessed with boundaries but we strive to live by faith expressing itself in love because love and discernment are the constituent parts of wisdom. For some of us, for this season of life, and maybe for all of life, the most wise and loving thing we can do is keep ourselves and our children away from violent, abusive people.
My final advice: Breathe. I know it’s over-said and over-cute-necklace’d, but it’s also totally and completely true. The “ABC’s” of emergency medicine exist for a reason—Airway First because if we stop breathing, we stop living. And in the crisis situations that some of you will be facing in a day or two? Adrenaline is going to flood your system and tempt you to take a fight, flight, or freeze position. That’s OK. It’s totally normal for people who were running for their lives when they should have been selflessly protected by people bigger and stronger than them. But start here: breathe. Get some oxygenating blood circulating. It’s hard to pray if you’re not breathing! It’s hard to remember Scripture if your brain has no oxygen! If you are prone to panic attacks, try to orient yourself to two or three grounded items in the room. If you need to, get outside, breathe some fresh air. Breathe and then remember. Remember truth! Try to clear the fog that has descended on your brain by taking yourself by the hand (to use D. Martyn-Lloyd Jones’ description) and speak truth to your emotions. What truth? See point 1. above. 😉

Please know that I will be praying for you as you navigate the holidays! Remember: remnants of shame still cling to us, but they are losing their grip!

With much love—

Your sister in Christ,tarabarthel.com/remnants-of-shame-still-cling-to-us-but-they-are-losing-their-grip
Tara B.

PS
If any of these topics resonate with you, I strongly encourage you to consider the following resources:

PPS
I don’t receive any $$ from any of the links I’ve included above. I’ve simply shared them to bless you.

PPSS
An oldie but SUCH a goodie! Let’s end even a serious post like this on with a sincere laugh, shall we? I’m so sick of crying today …