BEYOND what depends on me?

I’m sure you’re familiar with Romans 12:18:

“As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

It’s been ringing (screaming?) in my ears and heart all day. Why? Because I have two horribly broken relationships in my life and the weight of my sadness concerning them is simply crushing.

(Conflict is miserable! And I’m the first one to admit it.)

In the one relationship, it’s perfectly clear what has brought 99.9999999% of our downfall … I’ve just blown it. I’ve messed up in epic proportions. Ironically, I have actually tried incredibly hard to bless this person … but instead, I have messed up and wronged her and offended her — not once, not twice, but three times (including yesterday!!!!!!!).

I can’t even believe it myself. (All night, I kept waking up with my heart crying out, “I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!”)

But there it is.

What can I do?
– Confess to her. Yes. Repeatedly. In person. By letter.
– Beg her forgiveness. Yes yes yes.
– Seek to make restitution. Yes!

But will she just say, “Don’t worry about it” and pull completely away from me? Avoid me? Despise me? Maybe.

Can I continue to pursue her in love? Confess to her? Seek to restore the relationship? Absolutely!

But oh — it hurts so bad when my sin and fallenness hurts someone that I truly care about and want so much to bless. How I wish that I could go back in time and fix things.

May God have mercy on my soul and on this sad relationship. And may I entrust it completely to His care — for there is so much that is beyond my ability, power, influence, authority to control.

What about the other broken relationship I mentioned? Oh, I may need to save the long explanation for another entry. To be honest, I’m tired and my heart hurts. I’m just not sure I can really get into it all now.

Suffice it to say that there is another relationship in my life that — well — “has areas in need of improvement.” (Lots o’ opportunities for growth and all that.)

Anyway — through a series of unrelated events, this other broken relationship was brought too my attention again on the same day that this other huge, horrible, traumatic heart-breaking conflict happened (when it rains it pours, right?) … and, well … it, too, just makes me so sad.

In this second relationship, I try so hard, but it just seems like I always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, or cause hurt or offense by being interpreted as being insulting, critical, or condemning. I purposefully try to be encouraging and kind and it comes across as an attack. I try to make small talk and it’s interpreted as bragging about something nice that someone did for me. I am quiet–and called rude/sullen. I try to talk–I’m told how I “don’t know it all.”

It’s all so beyond my control!!!

So what am I called to do? Continue on, of course.
– Pray
– Rest
– Try. Try. Try again.

– Not demand to be loved and understood but seek to love and understand.
– Not look for them to forgive me–but be quick to forgive them.
– Not look for vindication–but even in my hidden moments, pray for the grace to think the best about them. Defend their characters.

I can’t do anything — ANYTHING — about that which “doesn’t depend on me.” But there is still much that I can — and must — and by grace, WILL — do.

Please, God, comfort my beaten-up, bruised, rejected, despised, misjudged heart.
O Lord! Be quick to save your lonely, frightened daughter.
Please save me from my sin and unbelief.
Please guard my heart from bitterness, pride, self-confidence, self-righteousness.
Please guard my heart from despair, despondency, hopelessness, fear.
Please, Lord, change me to be more like Jesus!
Please, God, give me a new heart. I am so very, very sad.
May I grieve with Hope.
May I grieve with You. Amen.