Boundaries? Or Wisdom + Love? (Careful! You cannot raise these issues casually.)

Since my current life situation is giving me some SERIOUS temptations to move in the direction of self-protection; and since I KNOW that any level of overly-self-focus is never a good thing, I turned to an oldie but goodie article this evening to help reorient my heart …

Ed Welch’s (excellent!) writing on “Boundaries” in the Spring 2004 Journal of Biblical Counseling is a total keeper. I re-read it often and I thought you might enjoy a few of my notes too. Here are just a few highlights:

– Even “Christian” books will encourage you to “set a personal boundary” and “just say no.” But is that how we should think about such things? Is “setting a boundary” a biblical paradigm?

– Rather than the term “boundary,” think in terms of biblical priorities (prayer, opportunities to meditate on Scripture, work, service, relationships, and rest). Ask yourself, “Am I out of whack in any of these areas?” If so, seek counsel as to how you can live a more healthful and “balanced” life.

– Remember! Love does not always mean self-sacrifice. Love and wisdom can mean saying no to service opportunities.

– Guard against making the desire to NOT disappoint others into an idol. We all have the tendency to overestimate our own importance and underestimate God’s care for his people and his church (and the gifts that God has given to others).

– Instead of “boundaries,” think in terms of the knowledge of God revealed in Christ; repentance; faith expressing itself in love. Love and discernment are the constituent parts of wisdom.

– Instead of erecting “boundaries,” ask, “How should I wisely love this person? What is my calling? What are my priorities?”

– The challenge of love is that it is so multi-faceted. Love may entail taking a bullet for someone OR kicking them out of your house. Love may mean bearing their burden or encouraging them and helping them as they bear their own burden.

– What about unhealthy relationships / relationships where someone has a history of exhausting people? What else does the person do to push people away? Constant grumbling and complaining? Frequent discussions of their own problems but unwilling to heed advice? Demands for inordinate amount of time? Careful! You cannot raise these issues casually; you cannot help them apart from a relationship with the person. Unhealthy sometimes means inconvenient. True—we all only have room for a limited number of close friends; offer of friendship doesn’t obligate us to reciprocate in the way a person might want. An inconvenient relationship is an opportunity for us to examine our own hearts and seek what God has for us to do. Unhealthy sometimes means relationships that induce us to sin.

– Abuse? If physical—boundary is appropriate (call police, provide safe place, initiate a protection from abuse order, do whatever is necessary to protect her). Why? Love. Love says no to evil. Goal is to bless enemies and lead them to repentance. Lev. 19:17. How to rebuke and who you might have present with you when you rebuke once again are decisions that require wisdom.

– Walk in wisdom. Don’t erect boundaries. Sometimes you answer a foolish person, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you cover an offense, sometimes you speak out. You begin with the fear of the Lord, learn from similar situations, get the counsel of others, keep checking your own heart and its motives, remember your limitations, rehearse the law of love, recognize that keeping everyone happy is impossible but there are ways you can speak that encourage conciliation, mutual understanding, and unity.

– What about biblical admonitions like, “Don’t cast pearls before swine” (Matt 7:6) and “Expel wicked man from among you” (1 Cor 5:13)? Be very careful! Not a dominant metaphor of Scripture; should seek counsel when considering it.

– Thinking in terms of ‘boundaries’ can lead us to think more about self-protection than about love.

Whoa. That is a warning. As my family heads to bed this evening, we are grieving. Troubled. Feeling so alone. But we are also, by faith and with God’s help, intentionally setting our hearts to think not about boundaries and self-protection, but about love.

May God help us.
(He does! He does!)

G’nite, my blog friends. The tired, cried-out Barthels wish you a good rest and a blessed Sabbath—

Yours,
Tara B. (for Fred & the girls too)

[A re-post from 2012]