Perfectionism & Shame
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You can tell me a hundred times not to take it personally, but by that time, I probably already am.
Years ago (I often hold sensitive topics that involve other people for months or even years before writing publicly on them because I always want to guard confidentiality), I received what can only be described as an extremely critical email from a stranger. For whatever reason, she felt quite confident in not only her own abilities and insights, but also in the appropriateness of her sharing those insights with me. This was not a conversation or even an invitation to a conversation—the was all one-directional: “Tara. I have observed this about you and I’m going to tell you a whole bunch of things about you now—all things that are weaknesses about…
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That Time I Utterly and Completely Failed and Caused a DISASTER! (Almost.)
Countless descriptions exist for personality types. Some of us are “high strung”; others are “low key.” We can be “linear,” “drivers,” or “random creatives,” etc. etc. For those of us parenting pre-teens and teens we may even see some of them going in and out of these various personalities over and over again in the same day. Sometimes even in the same HOUR. (Some of you understand what I am saying there.) Of course, as Christians, we never want to use our personality type as an excuse for lovelessness. (“I’m an introvert, so I don’t introduce myself to people at church on Sunday morning.” Uh. No no no. That’s not the way it…
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How Fred Responded When I Asked Him Last Week if I Had Ruined His Life
Last week was a particularly hard week for Fred and me. At one point, seeing the marks of searing pain on Fred’s face (again), I was overcome by the sense that all of his worst suffering in life was because of me. (Maybe not entirely because of me, since, sure, I know my theology and I know we have three real enemies: Satan, the world, our flesh. I know we live in a fallen world that truly is not the way it’s supposed to be. I can pass the Sunday School test. But in that horrible moment of overwhelmingly self-critical thinking, I forget what I “know” [gnosis] because I don’t really “know” [epignosis] it.) So there I sat, feeling…
- Eulogy for a Bad Mother, How to Love a Mentally Ill Addict, Perfectionism & Shame, Sin & Repentance, Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse
Sane Faith in the Insanity of Life (David Powlison)
I’m rereading some of my old CCEF Journal of Biblical Counseling articles (on good old fashioned paper) and I’m also beginning to get acquainted with their online library. This classic series from David Powlison is on the CCEF website and I encourage you to slowly read and process it, especially if, like me, you are convicted that some areas of your life are in need of serious change: Sane Faith in the Insanity of Life In it, he discusses five people struggling with various challenges in life: “Each of these five stories describes a person who needs help in order to face up, to deal, to change. But these people…
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Does the Neglect and Abuse of Your Childhood Sometimes Still Jump Up and Surprise You (Even as an Adult, Christian Woman)?
Recently, a dear friend of mine wept silent streams of tears as she learned a little bit more about my childhood and some of the suffering I experienced in my family of origin. This is not a topic I talk about often, but when I do, it does not currently hurt me. It did at first. The ache; the ripping open of my chest as though I would die; the hot feeling of acid on every inch of my skin and the acute, instinctual reaction to pull back from every single person? I felt it all as a young adult when I first started to look back, acknowledge what had happened to…
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The Sexy Wife I Can’t Be (& Confessions of a 25 Year-Old Virgin)
Cap’n Dave just sent me an email to tell me that our RedeemingChurchConflicts blog made the top ten list for The Aquila Report last week. How fun! To quote Dave, “Some pastors must be concerned about exactly what is their greatest spiritual danger.” I’m so glad Dave’s posts are there to help out. I was also intrigued by a number of the other “top ten” entries for the week and I clicked through to one that was particularly poignant for me, having just LiveBlogged Ellen Dykas’ excellent teaching on the topic of “Courageous Compassion for Relationally and Sexually Broken Women”: The Sexy Wife I Can’t Be It is definitely worth the…
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I Love to Tell the Story!
I love to tell the story Of unseen things above, Of Jesus and His glory, Of Jesus and His love. I love to tell the story, Because I know ’tis true; It satisfies my longings As nothing else can do. I love to tell the story, ’Twill be my theme in glory To tell the old, old story of Jesus and His love. I love to tell the story; More wonderful it seems Than all the golden fancies Of all my golden dreams, I love to tell the story, It did so much for me; And that is just the reason I tell it now to thee. I love to…
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The Remnants of Shame
You know … the longer I live, the more convinced I am that there really is only one battle in all of life. It is the battle; the battle of the ages. And we just live it out over and over again in various contexts—the privacy of our own thinking; our relationships at work and in the home and in the church; when we’re happy and fulfilled; when life kicks us in the gut. Again. Who are we? Who is God? How are we made right with God? What does it mean to be “good”? What does it mean to be “good enough”—worthy. Not rejected. Not despised. Not “bad” or “dirty” or…
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Remnants of Shame Still Cling to Us—But They are Losing Their Grip
The number one question I am asked about at my women’s events has to do with shame–that pervasive sense of non-good-enough-ness that keeps us always feeling on the “out”—not safe, not accepted, not wanted, not … loved. Rich, poor; urban, rural; formal education, no formal education—many Christian women struggle with feeling not-good-enough–at work, in the home, with their extended families, in the quietness of their own hearts. They feel like they don’t fit in. There is no safe place for them. If they were ever vulnerable enough to let someone see their “real selves,” women who struggle with shame feel that they would be evaluated and judged with a resounding: Not.…
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Interrupting the Shame Cycle
Thanks to the generosity of my sister in funding the trip, my mom and stepdad are in town for a week-long visit. It’s so great to have them here—the girls are absolutely in grandparent heaven: And we’re all enjoying the chance to visit and catch-up in person. But in addition to the good times, my mom and I have been tempted to slip back into a really unpleasant relational cycle. It looks something like this: 1. My mom feels like she’s “not good enough.” That we’re unhappy with her in some way. That she doesn’t measure up. 2. She says something self-deprecating that implies I’m being critical of her. (Which,…