Relationships & Peacemaking
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Not Excusing — But Grieving and Forgiving
Recently, I was hurt deeply by a family member who used to be close to me. It would not be appropriate to go into the details in this public forum, but suffice it to say, my heart was gravely wounded. The hurt was so deep, in fact, that at first I did not even understand it myself. Like a bad cut with a sharp knife—it doesn’t even hurt at first. You can see both sides of your living flesh split open and for a millisecond there isn’t even blood, but then. But then. The blood starts to gush and the pain is extreme and you know that this is not…
- Fear Not!, Hope in Suffering, Redeeming Church Conflicts, Redemptive Relationships, Relationships & Peacemaking, Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse
Apart from a miracle, a good relationship with this person is probably never going to happen. That’s OK. Grieve it. And LET. IT. GO.
I once received an email from a good friend (let’s call her “Mary”), who wanted to know if I had any ideas for how she could minister to someone in her workplace (a Christian parachurch ministry) who was suffering greatly because of a difficult relationship with her parents. Apparently, this coworker was “terrified” of this relationship (to use her own words); she was “distraught” and “destroyed” over how they treated her. Knowing that some of us have similar difficult relationships in our lives, I thought I would redact the identifying information and share some of my response with you. I hope it is a blessing to you! Sending my love—…
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I could have SUED and WON. Almost guaranteed. All it would have cost me was my integrity.
Yesterday, I strongly urged my friend to speak with a lawyer before accepting or declining a financial settlement she was offered after she was gravely injured in a retail business. Our conversation reminded me of this post from way back in 2015 … The entire situation was so strange—but also, I did see many evidences of God’s grace at work in the story. It was good to pause, remember, and make a little e-stone-of-remembrance so that one day, like Samuel in 1 Samuel 7:12, my family and I can raise our Ebenezer to God’s gracious provision in helping us. (Plus, there are elements of the story that are just plain funny. So I…
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Forgiving is the Hardest Thing You Will Ever Do
As a professional Christian mediator for over 20 years, I have walked with many people through dark seasons of life. You can call it depression. Despair. The Black Dog. A valley. A dark night of the soul. Choose your term. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it hurts to live. People can’t breathe. There is daily weeping, wailing. Sometimes people freeze. Just lie there day after day. Not moving. Incapable of distraction. Exhausted but unable to sleep. Thoughts spiraling down and down. Do you know people who are suffering like this? Maybe it is your pastor in a huge church conflict. A friend. Relative. You. Over time, if…
- Hope in Suffering, Redeeming Church Conflicts, Redemptive Relationships, Relationships & Peacemaking
A FREE Women’s Retreat — from our family to you! No travel required. Just grab your Bible, a cup of tea, and if you can–a beautiful view and a REAL (i.e., grace-filled, wise, compassionate, FAITHFUL–friend). And enjoy!
Earlier today, I was poking around some old files and I found all of the audio recordings that I did for the beautiful women of the beautiful Camp Barakel just a few years ago. Since I assume that a few of you, like me, might be struggling a bit with lingering sorrow, heartbreaking confusion, or simple relational pain and loneliness … I thought it might be a good time to review God’s Word, meditate on Truth, grieve as needed, and most of all … be refreshed in Christ, our Savior. Our God. Our Brother and our Friend. And so. Here is a little FREE RETREAT from our family…
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When Peacemaking Causes Conflict
Have you ever tried to “fix” a relationship and “make peace” only to have it backfire in your face in such a terrible way that you really wish you had just left things alone? I have. There is just something so much easier (on the surface at least) and “nicer” about peace-faking. Sure, when we focus on protecting ourselves by denying that conflict exists or pretending that everything is fine—pasting a smile on our face while slamming shut the door of our heart—we know on a deep level that we are not loving because “love makes us vulnerable” (CS Lewis). But the pain of rejection and betrayal from people we…
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When Our Church Leaders Let Us down
Awhile back, I received an email from a woman who was seeking my advice about some concerns she and her husband had regarding their new pastor. I won’t go into any more details (in order to guard their confidentiality), but I think even with just that cursory picture in your mind, some of you might want to read my response to her: “Dear Tammy [NOT her real name of course], I am so very sorry to learn of this painful situation in your church! I have prayed for you and I hope that this email provides you with some ideas for consideration–but of course, I don’t know ‘for sure’ what…
- Hope in Suffering, Redeeming Church Conflicts, Redemptive Relationships, Relationships & Peacemaking, Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse
We can’t talk about forgiveness without acknowledging the reality of pain …
I was trying to find the desk in my office the other day (I assume that if I can unearth the desk, there might even be a FLOOR in there somewhere) … and I came across my notes from a Conference I attended years ago. The speakers were wonderfully challenging and comforting (a good combination): – Tim Laniak drew a frighteningly accurate portrait of what happens when shepherding is corrupted and becomes only heavy/crushing accountability or namby-pamby bedside pastoral care. Having spent years living among and studying the Bedouin shepherds, Dr. Laniak has no ‘precious moments’ ceramic figurine portrait of what it means to be a shepherd. Instead, he explained that…
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If you are ever going to become a credible theologian instead of a know-it-all pundit, you had best restart your life on firmer ground …
As I read this words from Dr. Michael Kruger’s Canon Fodder blog (quickly becoming one of my favorites), it reminded me of a passage in a Kevin DeYoung book that I have reflected on previously. (Rev. DeYoung is pretty much nose-to-nose with Ed Welch as my favorite contemporary author these days.) First. Dr. Kruger: “There are countless stories of evangelicals who head off to Ph.D. programs in hopes of becoming a professor and having a positive influence in the secular university environment. This is particularly the case in the fields of biblical studies or philosophical theology. And such aspirations are certainly commendable. Unfortunately, the outcome of such endeavors is not always as expected. While these evangelicals…
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Tim Challies’ Review of Peacemaking Women
Of all the reviews I have received over the years, The Discerning Reader / Tim Challies review of my first book, Peacemaking Women, is one of my favorites. I am honored that he lists this book as “recommended” because I have found the majority of his writings to be Christ-exalting, gospel-centered, biblically-faithful, winsome and WISE. If you’re interested, I hope you’ll check it out. You can also read what other Christian leaders have said about Peacemaking Women on its endorsement page. Here are a few excerpts: Ken Sande: “Peacemaking Women is a life-changing book. It contains a wealth of wisdom and encouragement for women who want to learn how to turn any conflict into an opportunity…