Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse
- Fear Not!, Hope in Suffering, Redeeming Church Conflicts, Redemptive Relationships, Relationships & Peacemaking, Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse
Apart from a miracle, a good relationship with this person is probably never going to happen. That’s OK. Grieve it. And LET. IT. GO.
I once received an email from a good friend (let’s call her “Mary”), who wanted to know if I had any ideas for how she could minister to someone in her workplace (a Christian parachurch ministry) who was suffering greatly because of a difficult relationship with her parents. Apparently, this coworker was “terrified” of this relationship (to use her own words); she was “distraught” and “destroyed” over how they treated her. Knowing that some of us have similar difficult relationships in our lives, I thought I would redact the identifying information and share some of my response with you. I hope it is a blessing to you! Sending my love—…
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Some Things that have Helped Me in My Struggle with Anxiety
If you ever want to see who your true friends are, struggle through trauma therapy after being assaulted. Man. Real friends can BRING IT. Love. Anger. A text that actually makes you laugh out loud moments after you were just wondering if you’d ever laugh again. Prayer. Presence. Sure, an occasional link to a helpful article or sermon. Cards, books, and one friend in the last two years even sent a meal! (Big T!!) But really, the mark of love for me has simply been when people felt the awkwardness of what happened to me and then the REALLY awkward reality of my physical and emotional collapse—and they didn’t necessarily…
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Peeling Back the Layers of our Complex Pain: Our past is important, but not determinative
Angry people are sometimes sinfully angry; and sometimes angry people are fearful people who have no idea how frightened (and frightening) they are. Avoidance of duties may be sinful laziness and sloth, but sometimes it can be genuine exhaustion that comes from our trying (consciously or unconsciously) to stomp down and avoid deep grief and pain. Some of us are sinfully proud and foolish re: receiving criticism; but some of us want to listen to criticism and want to be readily teachable and growing in wisdom, but the graceless criticism of today sometimes presses on a shaming memory with such ferocity that even we are shocked by how quickly and high we “jump” or “kick” emotionally in response. Like…
- Eulogy for a Bad Mother, Hope in Suffering, How to Love a Mentally Ill Addict, Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse
Our reactions to grievous wrongs are muddy, not tidy.
Hot tears streamed down my face for three connecting flights as I traveled from Montana to Florida last week to serve at a women’s retreat. I didn’t make any sounds. No sobs. No words. But I must admit, I did feel badly for the elite flyers / business travelers seated around me. They were polite and didn’t acknowledge my soaking neck or my occasional brushes to my cheek with a tissue. But I knew full well that my actions and my emotional state were far beyond the bell curve of the normal million-miler frequent flyer pattern of Bose earphones, laptops, no eye contact, no chatting, and seriously! No crying! Oh well. There was…
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Dreading the Holidays? Dreading the PEOPLE at the Holidays? Here are five things to remember that might encourage and protect you from further harm …
In 2018, at age 48, I can honestly say that I truly enjoy the holidays. I love celebrating Advent; I think icing sugar cookies is fun. I even like the chaos and clutter of the tree and decorations, etc. etc. But it is the quiet of the holidays that I love the most. I know that may sound strange to many of you because your calendar’s cup overfloweth in a whirling dervish of concerts, parties, crafting, shopping, hosting, etc. But for our little family of three introverts + Ella, we gear down over the holidays because we are so happy to have me not traveling for speaking events and so grateful for any and all vacation time that…
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I couldn’t sort out my feelings, but now that I have, it’s too late …
“I couldn’t sort out my feelings, But now that I have, it’s too late. Right now, more than anything else, I wish that time could wait.” Earlier this weekend, I found this (poem? prose? sliver of a journal entry?) on a crumpled piece of notebook paper in my “I’ll get to it One Day or my kids will throw it all out for me one day when I am gone” area of my work space. Do you have an area like that? I used to PRIDE myself on NOT having an area “like that.” But then I woke up one morning and realized that all of the people I trusted…
- Hope in Suffering, Redeeming Church Conflicts, Redemptive Relationships, Relationships & Peacemaking, Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse
We can’t talk about forgiveness without acknowledging the reality of pain …
I was trying to find the desk in my office the other day (I assume that if I can unearth the desk, there might even be a FLOOR in there somewhere) … and I came across my notes from a Conference I attended years ago. The speakers were wonderfully challenging and comforting (a good combination): – Tim Laniak drew a frighteningly accurate portrait of what happens when shepherding is corrupted and becomes only heavy/crushing accountability or namby-pamby bedside pastoral care. Having spent years living among and studying the Bedouin shepherds, Dr. Laniak has no ‘precious moments’ ceramic figurine portrait of what it means to be a shepherd. Instead, he explained that…
- Avoiding Inadvertent Retraumatization, Child Protection / Abuse in the Church, Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse, Trauma Recovery
When Your Friend is Raped or Beaten
[A repost from enCourage] The very week that the #MeToo campaign began to dominate my social media relationships, a woman in my community told me that she was being physically hurt by a family member. Of course I immediately did everything I could to help her. But I also remember thinking at the time: Would most women in the church know how to wisely respond to a friend who is being physically and/or sexually assaulted? Having worked as a Christian mediator for over twenty years, and having taught thousands of women at conferences and retreats during that time, I have many examples of responses that make things worse, and of…
- Eulogy for a Bad Mother, How to Love a Mentally Ill Addict, Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse
My (Potential) Eulogy for My Mother
Having just tried to practice my mother’s eulogy out loud in the quietness of my hotel room; and having dissolved into tears. Again. I’m giving myself pretty much a 100% chance of not being able to get through it tomorrow morning at her memorial service. So, of course, I just asked my sister to promise to NOT make fun of the “professional speaker” who falls apart … and I thought it might be a good idea to post the content here so one day I can look back on what I meant to say. Tara Barthel’s Eulogy for her Mother Kathryn Kroncke Ford November 13, 1944 – December 18, 2012 My mother had…
- Eulogy for a Bad Mother, How to Love a Mentally Ill Addict, Surviving a Childhood of Neglect and Abuse
Should a Christian Put Up “Boundaries” with a Mentally Ill Addict (Who Happens to be Her Mother)?
As a professional Christian mediator for over twenty years now, I have the privilege of participating in webinars with Christian conciliators from around the world. Yesterday, we discussed the topic of forgiveness and how hard it can for us to forgive and to help the parties we serve to forgive, especially when there are complicating factors like dangerous situation, active addictions, and undiagnosed/untreaated mental illnesses. One of the conciliators brought up the (oft’ popular) idea of “boundaries.” and whether we should, as Christian conciliators, be promoting “boundaries” with our clients. I’ve actually been thinking about this topic a lot lately because Words to Live By just sent me another letter giving me a heads-up that they will be…