Child Abuse in the Church: Justice Can be Grace

I greatly appreciated this link from Challies and I urge you to read it and listen to its counsel:

Safeguarding Against Abuse in the Church

The only thing I would add is that it’s never too young to (age-appropriately) begin talking with children about these things. Let me give you an example …

When Sophia was little, my assigned task at our little homeschooling co-op was theology and parties. (Great job I have, eh?!) One Christmas Co-Op Party sticks out in my mind because that week, a dear friend had shared with me more details of how she was sexually abused for years by her own father, pastor, and other church leaders (many of whom are in jail now because they molested hundreds of children). So MAN! Was it heavy on my heart to be sure I was doing everything I could to carefully teach the children about authority.

Just like I do every week, I led the children in reviewing the photos and names of all of our elders (and then praying for them) and then I gave my mini-lesson on authority (which they nail 100% now because we’ve reviewed it every week of school):

We’re all under God’s authority.
In addition, there are FOUR spheres of authority that we should always be aware of: family, workplace, civil, and church.
We obey God’s authority absolutely. But all other authority is derived from God’s authority and thus, it is limited.

What does that mean? Ask one of my 3 year olds or 5 year olds! They know:

If our swim teacher commanded us to sit on the side of the pool during a lesson, that is an appropriate use of authority. We should obey, without delay, without complaint. But if that same swim teacher showed up at Target and commanded us to get into his car and go with him, we must not obey. That is beyond his sphere of authority.
If our pastor commanded us to sin, we must not obey. If our daddy’s boss at work commanded him to lie or cheat or steal, he must not obey. If our mother or father commanded us to deny Christ, we must not obey. So what would we do in those situations? We would get help. From whom? From people in authority—daddies are under authority; mommies are under authority; pastors are under authority; bosses are under authority; citizens are under authority.

My precious little lovie muffins dressed all in cheery Christmas red had NO idea that by talking for mere minutes each week about authority (and the limits on authority and the appeal structures that are available), I am (hopefully!) laying the groundwork for them to stand up and stand strong and say, “NO!” if someone in authority were ever to hurt them. They have no idea of the horrors of child sexual abuse, nor should they. But I know. I’m all cheery in my red and green and happy in my Santa hat and together we talk about this important stuff with clapping and affirmations of “spot on!” and “great answer!” But deep inside, my chest is tight with grief because every time I teach on authority, I think of this beloved friend who was molested for years by her church leaders and her father. Years of the most heinous abuse you can imagine. (When she first began to share specifics with me, I was physically sick.) I know how quickly the good gifts of authority, leadership, and submission can be warped into wickedness. So even while I LOVE training children on the blessings of obedience, I never, never want to even come CLOSE to training them to think they have to blindly “submit” to authority or to think that they are powerless to get help.

I think that Pastor Jared Wilson’ sixth point in the article I linked to above addresses this perfectly:

“We must understand that the gospel is often a severe mercy to abusers, even genuinely repentant ones, and so it means consequences — disciplinary in the church, legal outside — and accountability. Too often “grace” for the abuser adds more abuse to his or her victim. But justice can be grace.”

Amen to that! “Justice can be grace.”

Having been involved in too many abuse situations as a church member helping my pastors, as a conciliator/back when I was the Director of the Institute for Christian Conciliation at Peacemaker Ministries (abuse cases in the church are sickeningly and heart-breakingly far too common and they cause a LOT of conflict), and even just as a friend who cries tears often over the suffering that my godly, beautiful, precious friends have experienced through abuse in the church, I would even go so far as to say that sometimes, grace must be justice. Sometimes, in order to be real grace, it has to come with a badge and a gun and a bigger and stronger man with the authority to take a violent man to jail.

And friends? This is not a problem that is “out there” in some other church, in some other community. If you are closing your eyes to the real risk of child sexual abuse in the church or physical abuse in your seemingly OK married couples’ lives, you are naive and foolish and not living up to your membership vows. Please. Get. Educated. And then gently, prayerfully, but intentionally, help your church leaders to implement strategies to protect their sheep.

Here are some things you might want to read to get started. This is not a topic that you want to wait until something tragic happens and then think that you and your church leaders and members can somehow just jump in and be prepared to respond wisely. Like all important things, this will take effort:

Now that I’ve probably totally freaked you out, let me start my close with something even more awful. The words of a predator—and that is a correct term because child sexual abusers prey on churches. They do. And don’t look for a shaggy, disheveled, scary looking guy. Look at the most clean-cut, correct Bible-carrying, knows all the right words, super-duper-nice guy. Listen to how one abuser explained how he targeted his victims in the church:

“First of all, you start the grooming process from day one…the children that you’re interested in…You find a child you might be attracted to…For me, it might be nobody fat. It had to be a you know, a nice-looking child…You maybe look at a kid that doesn’t have a father image at home. You know, you start deducting. Well, this kid may not have a father, or a father that cares about him. Some kids have fathers but they’re not there with them…Say if you’ve got a group of twenty-five kids, you might find nine that are appealing…Then you start looking at their family backgrounds…Then you find out which ones are most accessible. Then eventually you get it down to the one you think is the easiest target, and that’s the one you do.”

We. Must. Be. Wise.

But we also don’t want to unnecessarily frighten our children or raise them to think that every single adult in their lives is out there to hurt them. That would be awful too!

In our family, we really love how the Safe Side Super Chick materials teach us to eschew the term “stranger” with our children (because most abuse does NOT happen at the hands of a stranger) and instead uses three terms:

Safe Side Grownup
Kinda Know
Don’t Know

Our safe-side grownups would lay down their lives for us; they would never, never, never hurt us. We can trust them in any situation at any time. For example, if Auntie Samara came up to Sophia in Target and said, “Sophie! Come with me right now!” Sophie should take her hand and go wherever Auntie Samara says because we would trust her to RAISE our children. She is a Safe Side Grownup.

A kinda-know grownup is someone we kinda-know. Like a soccer coach, orchestra conductor, a youth worker at church. We kinda know them and they have some level of limited authority over us. We listen to them and obey them, but with limits. (Sit on the side of the pool? Yes. Leave Target with me? No. Allow me to touch your private area? NO NO NO!)

A don’t-know is a person we don’t know. And probably? They would never intentionally hurt us. Most adults we pass in life would not stalk or prey on or abuse or harm a child. Just the opposite in fact! Think of how quickly moms keep their distance but start to surround a toddler who is not clearly with another mom when shopping at a store. Everyone’s eyes are darting, everyone is thinking, “Where is the mom? Where is the mom?” Everyone is ready to POUNCE if someone tried to snatch that child or harm that child. And when, a nanosecond later, the mom runs up and scoops up the child and says, “There you are!” And he throws his arms around his momma’s neck and kisses her, we all wordlessly disperse. Why? Because most don’t knows would throw themselves between even an unknown child and danger. But we just don’t know. And so we are careful. Wise. Appropriate.

Running hypotheticals with your kiddos can really help with all of this too. It’s fun. Safe. But it’s also excellent practice.

Whew! I guess I feel passionate about this subject. Hope that some of the ideas contained herein are helpful to you.

May we do all we can to keep our precious children safe!

Yours,
Tara B.