Easter Makes Me Think of Death—But That’s OK
Our Easter this year will be a very strange one. Rather than church services and corporate hymns (“Christ has Arisen, Alleluia!” and “Christ the Lord is Risen Today!”), our family will be 50 feet under the ocean enjoying a strangely-timed (but I’m sure enjoyable) SCUBA trip.
Still. It’s Easter Week. And that means I’ve been thinking through our Lord’s final steps on this planet. (Maundy Thursday wasn’t just a packing day to me.) And Easter, as always, will not only turn my heart towards the Triune God with my life-long desire to be with him, Easter will first turn my heart towards death.
My heart grieves on Easter Day because it was an Easter evening in 2007 when the Lord, in his sovereign goodness, chose to take our second child from my womb, straight to Heaven. We miss this baby so much! We wonder if he would have been a calm, type-B, phlegmatic little kid (just like the only other male in our household). We wonder what life would be like with an eight year-old right now. But mostly, we trust God’s frowning providence, even over the horror of what must be the most unnatural thing a woman faces—the slipping away of her child from her womb with her having absolutely no power to stop it. None.
The memory of that child pouring out of me when I was supposed to be protecting him is one of the most terrible, despairing, dark, glimpse-of-hell-and-sin-because-this-life-is-not-what-it’s-supposed-to-be moments of my entire life. I clung to Christ in that moment and I cling to him now because there is absolutely no other hope for me other than the resurrection of God himself over death itself. Alleluia! Allelu! This is my hope. This is my confidence.
Easter also pushes me to think about death because my mother LOVED Easter. Like her mother before her (my Grandma Pearl), she loved the bonnets and dresses and gloves and eggs and, well, I’m not 100% sure she loved going to church–but Grandma Pearl did and it was the one time of year that my mom actually went to church. So I have always associated Easter with my mom. And since my mother died four years ago, not a day goes by when I don’t miss her. (I’m crying even just typing that sentence.)
Some of you may find that hard to believe because you know the neglect and abuse I faced as a young child. But I encourage you to read through my “Eulogy for a Bad Mother” or “How to Love a Mentally Ill Addict (Who Happens to be Your Mother)” posts and I think you’ll see what a dear friend, my best friend, my mother became as we learned how to confess to, forgive, love, and enjoy one another. (If you’re more of an auditory learner, there is a video here that might be more helpful than reading all of the posts.)
Anyway.
I’m going to re-post a few things that I wrote when my mother was dying back in 2012. Mostly, I am doing this for myself—it’s good to cry. It’s good to grieve. But also, I hope that you find them edifying! Especially if you are grieving today, I pray that you might find them comforting.
I also would like to introduce you to a wonderful book on the psalms of lament by my dear friend, Christina Fox:
A Heart Set Free: A Journey to Hope through the Psalms of Lament
It is a beautiful read it points to the true balm for our souls.
Blessed Easter to you!
Much love,
Tara B.
PS
If you facing loss, especially the loss of a child, I heartily recommend all of the resources, teachings, and ministries of Nancy Guthrie: http://www.nancyguthrie.com/
PPS
The photo at the top of this page was taken when we found out we were pregnant with the baby we lost. He was also in all of the videos for Living the Gospel in Relationships (and making me QUITE sick in between takes, may I add!) and otherwise in only one other photo:
