How to Work Together as Friends to Protect Our Children from Sexual Predators

I do not want to raise my children to live lives of fear. I do not want them to think that most “don’t knows” are out to harm them. (We use the Safe Side Super Chick term “don’t know” rather than “stranger” because most people who do hurt children are not strangers—they are “kinda knows.” Children kinda know their coaches, their distant uncles, the nice new man at their church.)

At the same time, I do not want to raise them to be naive. Even in just my brief time leading The Institute for Christian Conciliation, I learned of many cases of children being molested in churches. Most churches and most Christians are just way too trusting of people! And sexual predators prey on churches. They do. If you don’t think they do, then you are either misinformed or ignorant and I urge you to get informed rightly. (And please don’t think you can tell a child sexual offender by how they look! They will not be creepy. They will be the most clean-cut, Bible-carrying, know all the right things to say and do, people you meet.)

• Do you have policies in place to protect children from these wolves in sheep’s clothing?
• Do you regularly talk with children about safe-side rules? How they can (and should) look out for one another / stick together / let safe-side-grownups know where they are at all times / trust their instincts if someone is too close to their personal space / not obey every adult command of a kinda-know / NEVER think it is safe or appropriate for an adult to ask a child for help (finding their lost puppy / getting directions) / NEVER be frightened into keeping secrets from their parents (“If you tell anyone, I will hurt you/them/your baby sister.”)
• Do you PRACTICE having your children yell: “This is not my mom! This is not my dad!” (rather than just screaming if someone ever did try to force you to go with them in a public setting)? This is SO important because most people normally tune out a small child seemingly having a tantrum or being defiant if they just think the children are with their parents. But if a child were to be grabbed by an adult and that child would yell, “This is not my dad! This is not my dad!”, every adult within earshot would come to that child’s defense. It’s true!

 
But even with policies and training, nothing beats vigilance. Let me give you one example from our family’s life …

Our daughter has been blessed to serve in the Ceilidh Fiddlers since she was very young (age 6). Because she fiddles at the level of adults, she has been in many situations that would never be appropriate for a child to be left in on her own: corporate events at large hotels, weddings at fancy restaurants/bars, and every summer at our local farmer’s market …

(As an aside … don’t you love how her sash goes all the way down to the ground because she is just such a little muchkin in this photo?)

Well. The summer she was six years old, we had a situation at the farmer’s market that reminded me that children are children and even with consistent training and reminders and prayer and conversations, they are still easily manipulated by adults and they need our vigilant protection. This is what happened …

I needed to get home, so I asked two women I trust to be my daughter’s safe-side-grownups while she was fiddling and (especially) during the break. I made sure she knew that these adults were in charge and she was to stick by them, keep them informed of what she was doing, listen to their counsel, etc. (The two women are close friends whom I trust greatly.)

When the gig was done and she was brought home, one of the moms told me that an adult had been taking LOTS of photos of her, including very up-close photos, as she was fiddling. Now. This person may have just been amazed that a little girl could fiddle at those tempos. Lots of people just like to take beautiful pictures of sunny Montana days—so maybe that was all there was to it. But we just don’t know. And the safety antennae on my friends’ heads went UP even as my daughter’s naiveté kicked into gear.

She told me later that, yes, she thought it was a little strange, but also that she found it flattering that a grownup was taking only pictures of HER and not the other fiddlers (!!!!). Oh oh oh. What a human response! What a childish response. What a response that needs protection from adults. And that is just what she had … my friends went right up to the photographer and said, “Why are you taking pictures of that little girl? That is not appropriate. You need to delete those photos of her RIGHT NOW in front of us.” And so it was. And that was that.

But seriously, friends. We have got to work together on this. We need to find a shared language with our friends and church family so that we are all on the same team, working towards the same goals. (And, by the way, I do not mean to imply that predators and their families are not in need of ministry help too. They are! And for the predators, criminal prosecution may just be the beginning of the help they need! But that is not my focus in this post.)

Please. If you haven’t yet educated yourself on this topic; if you’re not talking with your children (age appropriately!); start today. Here are two brief, but excellent places to begin educating yourself:

G.R.A.C.E. (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment): Common Questions

Fact Sheet: What You Need to Know About Sex Offenders

I have also posted on this topic before and I have a number of links in this recent post that would be worth your time:

Child Abuse in the Church: Justice Can Be Grace

I hope I don’t sound shrill. But I likewise hope you take this very seriously. I know personally how hard it is to overcome the scars of sexual sins that are done to us when we are children. God is sufficient! There is always hope and help in time of need. But as adults, I truly pray that we are all doing everything we can to help our children to avoid this particular suffering.

Thanks, friends. Off into my day now …

Yours,
Tara B.

PS
If you’d to see a fun video of my daughter playing her very first song at her very first fiddler rehearsal, this is a great one:

We still laugh at the tempo we practiced at home. We thought it was fast enough and she was ready for this rehearsal. But the tempo they play it at is SMOKIN’ FAST. If you watch until 1:37, you’ll see her little six year-old eyes sort of glance around the room as her fingers kept up with a ZILLION notes. We have laughed many times in viewing this video as we both think: “I can’t believe a six year-old’s fingers are doing that!” It truly is the fruit of a LOT of very slow practice. But even so, this is a very fast fiddle piece for a first song. 🙂