Four Loves (CS Lewis)

Fred and I were reflecting on our (almost fourteen-year) marriage by remembering the counsel we received near our wedding.

(Due to a car accident that closed down a highway, the message ended up being given at our reception, not during our actual service because our dear friend, Dr. Paul Jensen, missed the service by just a few minutes. So, yes, we had the world’s shortest wedding. But hey! We left married–which is my only standard/goal for all weddings. Everything else is nice, sure, but if you leave married? Success!)

But I digress …

I know it may be strange to actually remember anything from your wedding message, but we both do. In it, Dr. Jensen reminded us how CS Lewis explained love (in his book, “The Four Loves”) by using the four Greek words for love: affection (storge), friendship (philia), romantic/s*xual love (eros), and charity (agape).

He charged us that although we couldn’t even IMAGINE it at that moment (me in my white wedding gown, Fred in his suit; both of us glowing/grinning/so happy to finally be married; SO eager to take our introverted little selves OUT of that reception an ONTO our honeymoon 😉 ) … that, like all married couples, we WOULD come to a point in our marriage when eros (that feeling of being “IN LOVE”) would fade/wax and wane.

Dr. Jensen charged us to enjoy eros love. Absolutely! Yes! But also to remember, ESPECIALLY in those moments when we don’t FEEL so “in love”, that our love truly goes WELL BEYOND eros love. By God’s grace, we also have:

– Friendship (philia, φιλία ). We are bonded together, strongly bonded together, by our friendship. We are companions through life. Our relationship was formed over time, lots of time, spent together. Talking and engaging, sure. But also just being. Fred and I have spent the last sixteen years of life together. We are inextricably intertwined. Neither of us is ever going away from the other. (Even when—especially when—we don’t FEEL all “lovey-dovey-IN LOVE”/eros.)

– Affection (storge, στοργή ). We genuinely care about each other. We have observed each other at our absolute highs and absolute lows. We have spent time with each other’s families (!!). We have traveled, cleaned, served, worked, eaten, studied, relaxed, LIVED side-by-side for sixteen years now and we really like each other. We are not fond of each other in a vague way. We know each other intimately. We are familiar with each other’s weaknesses to be sure, but we still are affectionate toward one another.

– Charity (agapē, ἀγάπη ). Because God first loved us, we love one another. Period. Because God is so rich in mercy toward us, we are rich in mercy toward one another. (Or, well, we try to be anyway!) We do not have to earn each other’s love. We are not at risk of losing each other’s love. We care about each other regardless of our circumstances. Unconditionally. Charitably. Because at its foundation, our love in marriage is NOT about us—it is all about God. And God never changes. He never wavers. He gives us the grace to love one another.

It is such an evidence of my pride and immaturity that I actually remember sitting at our wedding reception, listening to this message from Dr. Jensen, and quietly thinking to myself:
 

“Oh. OK, Dr. Jensen. Uh-yeah-sure-WHATEVER. All of that stuff about the four loves? Great. Great. But I just KNOW that WE are going to be DIFFERENT. Our love and friendship are SO STRONG that WE are ALWAYS going to FEEL “in love.” We’re going to have philia and agape and storge AND eros. All the time. Every day. For the rest of our lives.”

Can you imagine? What a silly (foolish) girl I was!

Because of course, Dr. Jensen was right. Of course we have had our ups and downs in the FEELINGS/eros department.

But love goes way beyond feelings. Feelings are great! And we do need to keep working on growing the romantic/intimate nature of our marriage (because we often don’t value it ENOUGH–especially during this “raising young children” season of life).

So that’s what we were reflecting on in our (hard, tear-filled) conversation.

And now I am sitting here, thanking God for His grace. And thanking God for Fred.

Hope you have a blessed Sabbath tomorrow!

Much, much love—
Tara B.