How Conflict is like Katrina

As I read the blogs, news sites, and print media, and as I listen to talk radio and watch the news (hmmm …. maybe I’m spending a little too much time on this topic?), I am struck by just how much the horrible disaster of Katrina is like our interpersonal conflicts.

Isn’t it true that in our marriages, churches, workplaces, so often we know that something is wrong (trust has been broken, we are offended or feel betrayed, our love is growing cold), but for the time being, we can carry on our daily lives just like normal and so we do.

(Like knowing that a retaining wall could be breached at any time, but for the day, too busy and numbed off by our tasks and pleasures to do anything about it.)

And then a crisis hits. (The proverbial “hand of conflict that squeezes the ketchup bottle of our hearts” or hurricane that slams the coast.) Suddenly we can’t ignore the breach any more. Suddenly we are in a life or death battle for mere survival …

– Just like the marriage (coming home and finding your wife and kids gone with a note that says, “I won’t divorce you because that would be sin, but I am never speaking to you again and you’ll never find us.” — as if such actions somehow pleased the Lord or honored her marital vows).

– The church (eight families stand up on a Sunday morning, throw harsh words at the pastor and church leaders “in the love of Christ,” and storm out of the service vowing to start a “real church” and inviting other families to join them).

– And the workplace (a boss schedules a meeting with an employee, she expects to discuss an upcoming meeting, instead she hears that he has lost confidence in her, doesn’t want to work with her anymore, and instead of leading a staff meeting that afternoon, she finds herself carrying out her personal files to her car and driving home for the last time).

Oh that the retaining wall had been strengthened prior to the overwhelming flood!
Oh that the offenses had been humbly, gently, wisely addressed prior to the relational breach!

– The husband takes his role as “Chief Confessor” seriously and not only apologizes to his wife (words can be cheap!), but humbles himself by admitting that they need help, and then makes the calls and sets the meetings for them to gain biblical, practical help with accountability, discipleship, and mentoring as individuals and as a family.

– The church leaders stop looking at “net gains among the 99” (“we growing, so oh well that we’re losing some people”), and start faithfully “going after the 1” to live out not only restorative discipline but formative discipline. They develop true relationships with their sheep, lovingly encourage, edify, and exhort them, and if conflicts are too great, they get help.

– The boss realizes that the losses and costs of identifying, interviewing, and hiring a replacement every two years (plus the loss of this excellent employee!) far outweigh the challenges associated with, instead, actually talking with her and helping her to grow. Instead of letting other employees gossip about her behind her back, he helps them to talk with her and helps them all to grow and improve. Rather than getting frustrated and scared himself, he humbly goes to her and addresses the conflicts before they get out of hand.

This morning I woke up sad because of something one of my church leaders did. My husband is sad too–and that’s saying something because it really takes a lot to hurt Fred. (Thick skin, not easily offended, things roll off of him like water rolls off of a duck.)

I’m tempted to do nothing. Say nothing. Just try to go on. Fake it.

But thank God, He will make me way too miserable to sin in this way. (Plus, my husband would never go for such flight and denial anyway.)

How I pray that the Lord will be glorified by my feeble efforts to love well and avoid the catastrophic result of a breached relationship between shepherd and sheep. Brother and sister. Church and covenant family.

Please pray for us! Please pray that we would honor the Lord and love well. Thank you, friends.