How Fred Responded When I Asked Him Last Week if I Had Ruined His Life

Last week was a particularly hard week for Fred and me.

At one point, seeing the marks of searing pain on Fred’s face (again), I was overcome by the sense that all of his worst suffering in life was because of me.

(Maybe not entirely because of me, since, sure, I know my theology and I know we have three real enemies: Satan, the world, our flesh. I know we live in a fallen world that truly is not the way it’s supposed to be. I can pass the Sunday School test. But in that horrible moment of overwhelmingly self-critical thinking, I forget what I “know” [gnosis] because I don’t really “know” [epignosis] it.)

So there I sat, feeling powerless to stop the waves of shame-based thoughts that kept crashing into me:

• I have ruined this beautiful man’s life.
• Fred never should have married me; his life would have been so much better without me.
• All of Fred’s suffering in life is because of me.

 
On that last point? I kinda had a little bit of ground to stand on because, in our 20+ year marriage, if we were to write down all of our worst relational conflicts with other people; our most desperate situations involving organizations or workplaces, family members or friends; I really have been (objectively) more obviously tied to the “presenting issue” far more often than (dear, kind, doesn’t-ruffle-feathers) Fred.

Let me use the famous iceberg photo illustration to explain what I mean …

If Fred and I were to list all of the hardest situations in our family’s life and only look at the water-surface-level of the circumstances, I am more obviously the sticking-out / seems-to-cause-the-ship-to-crash part of the iceberg:

In the world of professional ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution), we call that the “presenting issue”—the obvious, easily observable “problem.”

But of course, as in all situations, there is much more to the stories of these situations in our lives than just my (obvious) contributions. Other people are involved and they have their own internal struggles with sin, unbelief, selfishness, and a lack of love. Plus, for all of us, not everything is caused by sin. Some things are the fruit of fallenness—we are tired. Sick. Wounded.

Those additional complexities are the “bottom of the iceberg”—and combined with my contributions, they all work together to “sink the ship” as it were.

I know all of that intellectually, but MAN! Is it hard to remember in the heat of the hard conversation, when the tears are flowing and it can all feel so dark and hopeless. My instinct (like most people) is to blame myself; to be far more harsh with myself than I would ever be to someone I loved.

So I asked the question:

“Have I ruined your life, Fred? Do you blame me for all of the suffering in your life?”

To which Fred responded something like this:

“Tara? We are one flesh (Mark 10:8). Our lives are completely united. I can’t even think in such a way as to answer that question because it doesn’t make any sense to me.

The suffering in our life comes into our life. God is sovereign and good over it all (Romans 8:28-29) and he helps us and gives us everything we need (2 Peter 1:3) as we face together whatever comes next.“

What a balm for my soul. Such faithful friendship, never-rejecting love, and rock-solid theology, truly help me to quiet down (and one day, Lord willing, SILENCE) the voices of shame that still occasionally try to scream out from my heart.

Oh, that we would all go throughout our day today believing God’s Word (Truth!) more than any shame-based feelings!

(And if you are really hurting today, I pray that you will have even just one friend who comforts you, carries you, and strengthens you when you are too weak to keep going forward on your own.)

Sending my love to you all—

Your friend,
Tara B.

PS
If you ever struggle with overly self-critical thoughts and feelings of not-being-good-enough, I highly recommend Ed Welch’s book, Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection. Or for a shorter read, we do have a chapter on Shame in Peacemaking Women too.