How NOT to Respond to a Friend Who Tells You She Has Been Assaulted

I am always honored to write for the PCA Women’s Blog, enCourage, and this post was hard–but no exception:

We have a strict word count–so this article doesn’t have all of the biblical citations and encouraging quotes that I wanted to share. We also have a very limited length for a title–and this one was hard to do. What I really wanted to call it was:

“Oh My Stars! Have You Ever Had Your Friend Tell You Something SO Hard and SO Painful for Her that You Were Momentarily Frozen??!! You know … you want to wrap your arms around her, but you’re not sure physical touch is appropriate after what she just said. You want to be calm for her–loving, kind, safe. BUT. You simultaneously want to PUT THE PERSON WHO DID THIS IN THE GROUND (!!!). Like grab the keys and start driving towards Toledo or wherever he is and bring the cops and the cavalry and RESTRAIN THAT EVIL and PUNISH THAT PERPETRATOR … but instead. You need to respond to her right now. In this moment. What should you be careful to NOT say? And is there anything that might not be TERRIBLE to say?”

Yeah. That wouldn’t quite be the right word count for a title. But it surely is what comes pouring out of my heart.

You see. I have been told so many heart-breaking things so, so many times that I am no longer shocked by it:

The 73 year-old retired missionary who had an affair on the mission field 50+ years ago and never told her husband; she listens to me teach on forgiveness and wonders if she could ever be forgiven. A missionary!
The seminary student whose eyes grew wide during our group pizza lunch time when I described the manifestations of the heresy of Federal Vision in abusive, misogynistic marriages. He was an abusive man and he didn’t even know it.
Oh, so many sexual sins. Young girls giving away their first kiss. Their first sexual contact. Regretting it. Hiding it. Do you know how many young women I have helped talk with their parents?
Widows beaten by their adult sons.
Predatory pastors.
Embezzling theologians.
Children. Hurt. By. Adults. (And professing Christian adults doing nothing to stop it or even communicate a drip of care to those little lambs.)

Oh, friends. There are so many terrible things in the world—and when someone gives us the gift of sharing even a tiny bit of their horror with us? How we respond matters.

Gasp. Judge. Criticize. “But I thought your dad was a Christian!”

Disregard. Disbelieve. Minimize. “I’m sure he didn’t mean to touch you there. He’s such a good guy! Were you flirting with him?”

“My family member shatters bottles near my head and punches me in the stomach so it doesn’t show.”
“I’ll pray for you.”

No! No! No! A thousand times no.

When someone tells you he or she is being HURT by another person–you do not respond with a dismissive, “I’ll pray for you.” That is not enough. You also need to act. (Yes, yes. Of course. To pray is to act. But we also need to take proactive steps to HELP ABUSE TO STOP.)

To quote a recent medical series: “The most vulnerable time for a patient is between trauma and a doctor.”

Likewise, the most vulnerable time for a Christian who has been traumatized is between trauma and the MOMENT his or her church ACTS TO GET HELP.

If we dismiss assault survivors with silence and platitudes, we inadvertently retraumatize them.

There is so much more I have to say about this topic, but for now, I need to get back to Lawyer Tara Mode.

Please watch out for future writings I will do on topics such as:

When Church Leaders and Members Inadvertently Retraumatize Sexual Assault Survivors
When Sexual Assasult Survivors Inadvertently Traumatize Church Leaders and Members
Why Understanding The ACES Study Might Be One Of The Most Important Things You Do As A Church Leader, Women’s Ministry Leader, Human Being
Since God Made Us Both Body and Soul–Are We Really Supposed to Call People to Repent of Adrenal Responses Like Reflexive Vomiting, Night Terrors, Not Being Able to Breath/Having Your Chest Crushed, Not Being Able to Feel Your Hands? (Or. Perhaps. Are we supposed to demonstrate patience, mercy, long-suffering, and brotherly kindness to our wounded, traumatized family members?)

Back to high net-worth estate planning for now—

But please remember!

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:12-13

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:10-11

Much love,
Tara B.