How to help (really help!) when a family is in crisis …

Back before Facebook, people grouped together through ancient things called discussion boards. A number of women and I used to meet online together to discuss topics related to biblical peacemaking, friendship, and redemptive relationships. We called ourselves the “PeaceGals” and one of my favorite friends in life was a founding member–Ruth Moran. Ruth was a brilliant, godly, loving wife, mother, teacher, and friend. She passed away after a valiant battle with cancer, but before she died, she honored us all with a list of things we should all learn to say when someone is in need.

Rather than a generic, “I want to help!” or “Let me know if I can do anything for you!”, maybe you can consider a specific offer the next time a family in facing a medical crisis, unemployment, loss of a loved one, etc.

Here are some specific ideas from dear Ruth. I left her specific comments in the parentheses …

I would like to help in any way I can. May I …

Help with the Daily/Regular Ol’ Stuff of Life:

– Do any housekeeping chores (dishwashing, dusting, cleaning whatever needs cleaned, bathrooms, whatever!)
– Do your grocery shopping
– Do your laundry (at your home or mine)
– Feed your pets and plants
– Fix …………… in your house (“Things seem to break down more when there’s no one to fix it!”)
– Weed and/or plant flowers
– Mow/trim the yard
– Wash/detail your car
– Have the oil changed in your car
– Get your car(s) inspected
– Take your children to the park (babysit anytime—even overnights)
– Take over you carpool duties
– Make school lunches

Help with the Stuff Specifically Related to the Crisis:

– Sit in the hospital waiting room with your family
– Handle updates and field phone calls and communications for you

(‘I think one of the best things people can do is coordinating one or two people—usually a close friend or family member—to be in charge of obtaining updates and then distributing them. We had one for the phone and one for email and I can’t overstate the importance of this help. It kept all the prayer warriors informed without our having to repeat the news unnecessarily. It also guarded us from having to field various questions we may or may not have been able to answer.’)

– Coordinate the church’s mercy ministry aspect (meals, rides, etc.)

(‘One of the most helpful things was done for me was that our Shepherding Elder’s wife coordinated the schedule of meals (she asked about our favorites, allergies, and our treatment schedule) and communicated with the church office about our needs. She even arranged transportation to appointments. She did this all through email—and it was far easier to communicate in this way than to answer several well-meaning phone calls wanting to help. This also helped to have a written record later of who did what so we could appropriately send thank you notes.’)

 

– Bring you the church bulletin and tell you about the sermon/service/church family
– Gather a cheer basket of movies, books, magazines (many loaned so home doesn’t get cluttered permanently)
– Host a special dinner and prayer time for you

(‘One dear friend gathered our closest friends together for a dinner together where we enjoyed one another and prayed together before my surgery. This may not always be feasible (and wasn’t the third time around) but was a precious gift.’)

Gift Ideas:

– Gas cards

(‘Anything to defray the expenses is helpful. Even with excellent insurance, illnesses and crises create unforeseen expenses and additional financial hardships.’)

– Grocery store cards
– Visa gift cards

(‘These things allow anyone in the home to run these errands for the patient and family without having to worry about money exchange.’)

– Hospital parking vouchers

(‘There are few things as insulting as family members of critically ill patients having to pay daily to park to oversee the care and visit with their loved one.’)

– Hospital cafeteria vouchers
– Soothing music
– Audio Bible
– Ipod with audio books already programmed on it
– Humorous cards and signs

(‘Laughter is great medicine and it’s not possible to overemphasize this aspect. But, please be sensitive to the particular personality and your own relationship with the person.’)

– Guest book for visitors to sign and write notes.

(‘This is good even if patient is sleeping, for visitors to leave notes and encouragement even after they’ve gone. I still read mine.’)

– Pamphlets that share the gospel to give to medical personnel and others

(‘I recommend John Piper’s ‘Quest for Joy—Six Biblical Truths’ and other resources relevant to illness and hope. I had an IV tech nurse come back to me for counseling following my giving her the John Piper brochure. There is no time like a crisis to share the hope of the gospel!’)

– Care bags for waiting rooms—puzzle books/word game, water, snacks, change for phone calls, scripture pamphlets, pen/pencil, notepad
– Scripture signs and encouragement notes for the hospital rooms
– Dry-erase marker board for the hospital room to help keep track of phone numbers, room numbers, the names of nurses and doctors, the next pain medicine time
– A night away for the couple (including childcare too).

(‘One of the wisest recommendations we received initially was to not postpone couple time together. For each of my diagnoses, Tim and I have taken (made!) time to be away alone together. These are precious memories for us both and served to strengthen our bond and our faith in times that were otherwise chaotic. Some folks contributed to an overnight and special dinner for us one time.’)