I Do Not Have One Early Childhood Memory Apart from Pornography
Based on the number of clicks I received on my most recent post (“Three Things You Don’t Know About Your Children and Sex”), I’m not the only one who was helped by Anne Marie Miller’s excellent article.
Were you also convicted like me?
Yes. Yes. Just like when I am preparing to teach and Fred (lovingly) reviews my notes and then encourages me to listen to the words I am about to say to a few hundred women (“Tara? I think this is a good teaching. I think it might point the women to Christ and help them to be even more confident in Him. In fact–I’m thinking of a woman I know whom this would help … you!”) … I am often convicted by the things I put on this blog too. And I couldn’t just post this link and let it go. I had to have “the conversation” with Sophia. Again.
This is true even though I think of myself as a parent who is relatively sensitive to this topic of “be careful little eyes what you see” because I don’t have one early childhood memory apart from pornography. I don’t. By the time I was old enough to remember anything, my mind was already saturated by sexually explicit images in my parents’ magazines. With no context, no instruction, and (obviously) no protection, my view of men, women, relationships, and sex was warped by the double whammy of:
- My parents’ miserable marriage (no kind words between them, certainly no loving actions like sitting near one another, holding hands, looking at each other with happiness and appreciation); and
- The “happiness” apparently represented by what these people were doing in these images (which now I understand s a warping of something that, in its appropriate context—marriage—can be a deeply happy/joyful/good thing).
Do I regret this? Absolutely. Is it something I have grieved for 40+ years now? Of course. Have I prayed and prayed that God would remove certain images from my mind even though it has been decades since I saw them? I have.
Beyond my birth defects (which have required many painful surgeries from childhood through adulthood); the chaos of living in a childhood home with a mentally ill addict; my parents’ marital unfaithfulness/multiple separations/ultimate divorce; being tossed from one broken home to the next as a child because neither of my parents wanted me around (and ultimately coming to live, as a teenager, with a family from my church); being called by my mother (when I was eight years old) a “demon sent from hell to torment her”; rescuing my mother (as a child) from her suicide attempt in a gas oven … (I could go on, but I think that paints a tiny bit of a picture of my childhood) …
When I reflect on the horrific, damaging power of all of the sorrows and suffering I experienced as a child, inadvertent exposure to sexually explicit images (and then the titillating compulsive, confusing return to those images) ranks pretty much at the top of the list. And please, please hear me on this:
The images I saw as a child would be considered “tame” and “PG13” compared to the images that will be carved into your child’s mind by just one three-second Google search.
No more sneaking down into the basement to look at magazines “hidden” behind the stacks of wood by the fireplace. No more fear of being caught watching the VHS tape with all of the accompanying sounds and actions to go with the images. Nope. It’s all right there (or so I have been told). For free. Sometimes even strategically placed by wicked people on internet pages that come up from innocent searches like “Disney Princesses” or “Science Fair” (because they want our children exposed / they want to cultivate their next crop of addicts / consumers).
Are we doing enough to protect our children? (Are we doing anything to protect our children?) I’m convicted. If you’re still not (especially if you are still living under the delusion that it’s “out there” but “your child is the exception”), I double-dog-dare-ya to read the following articles:
- Teens and Unrestricted Access to the Internet (I would change the title to “Children and Unrestricted Access to the Internet” because the average age of first-time exposure to sexually explicit images for children in godly, Christian homes with involved, loving parents is 9.)
- Tim Challies’ articles on Internet Pornography (especially the stats re: children in “Pornified Culture”!)
- Sexy Pics and Secrecy
- Raising Kids in a Pornified Culture
And then? Let’s all MAKE A CHANGE. Take a step. Have the hard conversation. Protect our children to the best of our abilities. Wise and gifted people who have gone before us and stand ready to help us:
- Harvest USA’s Articles on Pornography and Mini-Books (especially iSnooping on Your Kid)
- XXX Church
- Covenant Eyes
- Center for Parent-Youth Understanding: Understanding Culture to Impact Culture
(Plus all of the wisdom found in our local church!)
I know it’s hard. I know it’s awkward. But don’t be lazy! Don’t be naive. We didn’t let our toddlers wander out into the street. We didn’t drop our five year-olds off in the heart of downtown and expect them to keep themselves safe. None of us gave our car keys to our ten year-olds and said, “Have at it. Stay between the lines. Hope it goes well for you.” So why are we doing the virtual equivalent?
May God help us and may He please (please!) protect our children.
Prayerfully,
Tara B.
PS
I am praying specifically that your children and my children will not have my testimony.
4 Comments
Kim Kargbo
I have been pondering much over that article since I saw it, same day you reposted, I think. I struggle with how to have those conversations in a way that doesn’t tantalize or give more information than what the child already has. I have one kid (out of 3) who probably really IS “that child” – the exception. She makes good choices, is careful what movies she watches, has solid friends who are all pursuing Christ together, has little interest in boys other than the few really good friends she has who are boys in youth group, and is almost 16. But, I know myself and my own heart and the universality of sin and its sneakiness, so I try to have these conversations with her regularly, just to keep the doors open. But she said to me recently (after I talked to her after reading that article), “Mom, why do you keep talking to me and asking me about stuff like this?? It really offends me. I’m not THAT kind of girl? Do you think I am? I’m not into those things and neither are my friends!” And, while mommies can be deceived, I think she’s probably right. So, maybe I’m just going about it wrong, but I don’t want to introduce concepts to her that she and her friends aren’t even aware of. She even told me, “I think you need to stop reading stuff like that – it makes you too suspicious!”
So many fine lines in life – especially with tweens and teens! How to walk them…
Grace – and truth…
tara
An excellent point, Kim! I was definitely thinking about that when I wrote the article but tried to keep it “short” (hah! like anything I write is ever short).
I think the question is worthy of its own post—but for a quick reply, I would just say that I keep things at SUCH a high level when I talk about this with Sophie. We use big, broad words like, “Honey? Have you seen any images on the iPad or Netflix that are inappropriate?”
Also: We try to remind our children (and ourselves!) that sin is insidious and Satan is real and the world HATES God. So having too high a view of us being “good people” is not very accurate and may in fact be dangerous.
And lastly: We absolutely emphasize how this is NOT about questioning her character or her heart or intentions; that this is about the FACT that wicked people PREY on beautiful, innocent children and that this is about THEM (and our duty as parents to do our best to keep our children safe).
Hope that helps, even just a tiny bit. I’m always so glad to hear from you, Kim.
Much love to you and yours!
Your friend,
Tara B.
Wendy
In a highly sexualized society, one does not have to look for to see signs of “pornography” infiltrating our children’s lives. If you have cable television your children are exposed. If they have computers, facebook and go to school they are exposed. If they open a magazine, see a billboard, a newspaper, stand in line at the grocery store, they are exposed no matter how innocent they are, how much they don’t like the opposite sex or how great of a parent you are. From costumes, to advertisements, to music our children especially girls are being sexualized.
We need to do to more to be more vigilant. You can’t protect your kids from it, it is permeated through out society like the stench of dying flesh. Just read one of Dr. Jean Kilborne’s books are watch one her videos. It is frightening what are children are exposed to. http://www.jeankilbourne.com/ She does provide some hope and offers ways in which we can arm our children. I still believe more needs to be and can be done but it is going to take action from parents and legislators.
I talk to my daughter daily about what is appropriate and what is not. We talk about what type of messages are being sent and how the media uses girls and women to sell their products. We talk about God’s views on this type of stuff and what he wants for our lives. We talk about the value of girls and woman, that they were made in Gods image. We talk about how we can protect ourselves, honor God and be an example to others. I also try to model good behavior, illustrate what real love looks like and I always keep an open line of communication.
I appreciate your article and that Christian women are bringing this issue to the forefront as ignoring the issue is causing more harm to our young girls, than by be open about the problem. We need to arm our children in how to protect themselves when we are not there.
Kim Kargbo
Good answer, Tara. I’m sure there are ways I can engage this more subtly without making her feel like it’s her character I’m questioning. Wendy’s thoughts are also good. Good stuff to ponder – and apply!
Blessings to you and your precious family, Tara!
Kim