I think I may be bitter … again.

So I think I may be struggling with bitterness. Again.

(AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH! Will I never get over this?????)

I’m pretty sure that I am judgmental
ungrateful
and grace-less toward a person who has hurt me tremendously.

(AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH! My wretched heart!!)

It’s like there is this rotting, moldy ICK inside of me.
The ramifications are nasty.
I don’t like who I am or who I am becoming.

O, Lord! Please have mercy on your daughter.
Forgive me my sins, I pray.
And grant me a new heart. A clean heart.
For your glory!
For your Kingdom!
Please make me more like You, I pray.
Amen and Amen.

So … this person has rejected me.
I reject her.
She sees my weaknesses, failures, and sins in living color.
And I, hers.
She should be GRATEFUL for everything I’ve done for her.
 Where is my gratitude for all she’s done for me?

(Truth be told, it’s hard to even come up with anything good, noble, pure, lovely about her. I am SO tempted to make her into this monster in my heart and mind. An enemy. Put out. Not welcome. Stay away!! O, my sin. My sin is great. Forgive me, God, I pray.)

COULD I have a charitable heart toward this person?
Really?
Could I forgive her all her sins against me?
Could I ever really, truly CARE about her?
Want the best for her?
NOT hate her? Not reject her? Not despise her and wish her ill?

OF COURSE!

For God has promised in His Word to give me a way OUT of my sin. (And such vengeance and harsh judgment is surely sin.)

And He always gives me everything I need for life and godliness. (So HE will do this work in me. He will give me grace to give grace.)

It’s just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard!
It is just so terribly, terribly hard.

I’m convicted by my own words — how I start every women’s retreat by stating that, in general, we give grace to others to the extent we ourselves experience grace.

And my dry, cruel heart is graceless.
I am neither remembering nor applying God’s great and precious promises to ME.

So of course I have nothing to offer to this person. Well, nothing good. Nothing grace-full.

Please, God, change my heart from unbelief to faith in YOU!
Give me the grace to believe you, I pray.
Amen and Amen.