I had no hope because my eyes were on ME …
Last week*, Fred and I had one of the most disturbing — fights? difficult conversations? “opportunities”? future peacemaker seminar illustrations? — of our lives.
The — let’s just call it a fight — the fight itself was nothing new. Seriously — it was fight #24 or something in our marriage. But here is the truly frightening aspect of it …
Unlike most of our “challenges” (fight just sounds too strong), at the end, we usually reconcile rather quickly. We may be hurt, but we readily confess, forgive, and begin to move on. That didn’t happen last week.
In fact, I became extremely, extremely sad. I was grief-stricken. Overwhelmed. Disturbed in my spirit such that I jumped headfirst into an emotionally dark, lonely place that usually takes me a few days, weeks, or even months to dig into. Even now, while I am nowhere near the level of despair I experienced last week, my heart is still a little sad. Tender. Tentative.
If I had my preference I would only be with my Golden Retriever (70 lbs of love and acceptance–furry, but 100% sweet) and my safest friend.
Why why why?
If you’re thinking that I wanted to pull away from Fred “until he changed” (got his act together, stopped doing the offensive thing, started doing whatever I was hoping for) — you’re wrong.
Even in the midst of our “exchange” — I knew that I did not want to allow even righteous, good, “wifey” desires to become Monster Wants that demandingly rule me and put expectations and punishments on Fred. (Thank you James 4:1-3 and Corlette Sande’s The Young Peacemaker!)
No, I didn’t want to run away because of Fred — but because of me.
I had no hope because my eyes were on me.
I looked to the future and saw things only getting worse and worse and worse. Why? Because instead of speaking truth to the situation, living by faith, trusting in the Lord of All Creation, my heart was fixated on my own weakness, sin, fallenness, ugliness, “worthy-only-of-rejectedness-ness.”
To paraphrase my dear friend and pastor’s wife:
“Of course you were despairing, Tara! When you focus on the situation, the other person, or yourself, you will ALWAYS despair!“
True. True. So very, very true.
So where does that leave me? Us?
– Tentatively grateful — that though I am often faithless, He is ever faithful.
– Though I grieve — there is hope.
– Though father and mother reject me, the Lord, the Lord, the Compassionate and Gracious God will never reject me.
– Once I was lost, but now I’m found. (By Someone bigger and stronger than me.)
I can run and try to hide. But where can I flee from God’s presence? Impossible!
I can try to seek solace in a friend or in a Golden — but their love will never ultimately satisfy.
Instead, by faith, I can pray for the grace to believe on the Lord! To lay hold of His promises! To lay hold of Christ.
And, of course, to find that He is the One laying hold of me all along.
Epilogue
So what about Fred and me? We’re doing OK. Navigating an intense work time for Fred (new database and website for Fred at work – cool, but tremendously time consuming for Fred!). Gearing up for my busiest two months of travel (fun, but lots of details to coordinate). Enjoying a visit from relatives (but harder to sneak in emails and work stuff). Totally delighting in Sophia’s ever-growing vocabulary (‘Me-See!’ = ‘Please show me!’ and ‘Gee-Mee-Mee’ = ‘Good Morning’ and her big-sister-ness commands to our Golden, Choza: ‘Come!’ ‘Sit!’ ‘Settle!’)
And also continuing to prayerfully, thoughtfully work on some of those ‘husband-wife’ details and opportunities and areas for growth too. Specifically, I am starting to meet regularly with a godly, wonderful friend for accountability, counsel, and help. And Fred is working to set up an appointment with our pastor to do the same. Thank God for the Body of Christ! No lone rangers here.
PPS
Just so you don’t worry about us also having joy and even hilarity in our lives, check out our sweet Lilikoi—all set and ready for her first luau! 🙂
And all cozy and ready for our Montana weather …
* This is a re-post from August of 2005.