Interrupting the Shame Cycle

Thanks to the generosity of my sister in funding the trip, my mom and stepdad are in town for a week-long visit. It’s so great to have them here—the girls are absolutely in grandparent heaven:

And we’re all enjoying the chance to visit and catch-up in person.

But in addition to the good times, my mom and I have been tempted to slip back into a really unpleasant relational cycle. It looks something like this:

1. My mom feels like she’s “not good enough.” That we’re unhappy with her in some way. That she doesn’t measure up.

2. She says something self-deprecating that implies I’m being critical of her. (Which, by the way, in my teens and twenties would have been true—I was a total Proud Jerk Christian who did judge her and did criticize her.)

3. I get defensive and impatient because OF COURSE I want to be all gospel-focused and gospel-infused and only ever communicate love and grace and acceptance; and I want her to KNOW that I’m all accepting and loving and grace-filled.

4. I feel like I’m “not good enough.” That my mom is unhappy with me in some way. That I don’t measure up.

5. Spin. Rinse. Repeat cycle.

Or not.

Yes, the great thing about sanctification is that we really do grow! And within MINUTES of our interacting, I already started to SEE this pattern so then I could talk about it with God and Fred. And Fred could pray for me and encourage me. AND I could (gently, carefully) broach the topic with my mom. She was very responsive and we both communicated our desire to INTERRUPT this shame cycle.

Yes, “Shame Interrupted.” I’m totally using Ed Welch’s words yet again. But I really have been making meals and driving to-from the hotel/hotel pool THINKING and PRAYING about how God’s grace interrupts the shame cycle. We don’t have to be stuck forever in these relational patterns. God really does “lift the pain of worthlessness and rejection.” Just like the title of Dr. Welch’s latest book says:

So … we’re off again. Swimsuited, goggle-y, adorable little girls. A happy and grateful, but tired mom. And hopefully—a grace-experiencing grandma.

Hope your day is a blessed one!

Your friend,
Tara B.