Nameless and Faceless Criticism

I received an interesting question from a women’s ministry leader and I thought I’d share my response to her with you.

The gist of her question had to do with the fact that after a recent retreat, their women’s ministry leadership team met, and one of her leaders shared how “someone” had been offended by the style or worship music used at the event.

This woman asked for my advice and this is what I told her:

“Dear [name],

I’m sorry that you had to receive some ‘nameless, faceless’ criticism. It’s always hard to learn that we’ve offended ‘someone’ but that person hasn’t talked to us, they’ve talked to others.

Sadly, that is far too often the case—and it is extremely toxic to relationships and trust. I’m really sorry that you’ve had to face this and I commend you for taking it seriously and prayerfully seeking counsel as to what you and your other leaders might do in response.

My first advice is to read The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. This book is foundational for every single Christian to understand what it really means to live out the Second Greatest Commandment to ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ I would also encourage you to have your team read it too—and possibly take a few minutes out of your planning meetings or email discussions to visit about the biblical principles and how your ministry can and should be committed to encouraging them, even as you are dedicated to your other ministry goals.

(Oh, and if reading a book seems like too much, you could also just read yourself and ask your team to read the basic principles on the Peacemaker Website.)

Secondly, I would encourage you to ask the leader (who knows who was offended) to approach that person and gently encourage them to (graciously) talk about their offense so that a) your leadership team can apologize for hurt and confess if there has actually been an offense and b) LEARN from her experience so that in the future you do an even better job serving your constituents.

Thirdly, I encourage you to consider some sort of email follow-up survey (there are some great options online that give you ‘one free try’ as a marketing offer, or else you can make your own) and ask the women BRIEF, QUANTIFIABLE questions about your recent conference. Keep them short and to the point—but be sure you cover this “style or music” question AND (tactfully/carefully/graciously) the ‘offense’ question too.

(BTW—I find that surveys work best when you a) guarantee that there names can be kept anonymous—but encourage them to LET YOU KNOW if they’ve been offended; and b) offer a screamin’ deal PRIZE for the participants.)

THEN, your leadership team should ACT on the survey. If 90% of your attendees didn’t like the worship music, maybe you should think about changing it for your next event. But if it’s 1 or 2 (or NO) people? Then don’t worry about it.

You know—you are NEVER going to please everyone. Never. Whatever you do, WHATEVER you do, you will ALWAYS end up offending someone, letting someone down, not doing enough, etc. etc. Do your best. Love God. Love neighbor. Be teachable and humble. AND LET IT GO.

(But first, learn biblical peacemaking and equip your leaders and equip your women to breathe grace in their relationships. 🙂 )

Hope this helps!

Have a blessed day–

Yours,
Tara B.”

Would you have advised similarly? I’d love to know how to improve my encouragement and counsel to her.

We’re off to co-op in a little bit, so I’d better get going. Soph wrote the CUTEST poem (well, at least her favorite audience/momma thinks so) for our poetry unit study and she’s going to read it in class today. Should be fun!

Sending you love from COLD Montana,
Tara B.