Nightmares and Nearly Utter Sleeplessness (for 72+ hours now …)

Whenever I think about it, I chuckle quietly to myself …

On Tuesday, a friend asked me how I was sleeping (because I frequently have insomnia and other sleep troubles) and I replied, “Great!” And I was. Up ’til then. For just over two months, I had been delightfully free from fear upon going to bed because (thankfully!), I just fell asleep. Until Tuesday night. And Wednesday night. And oh, how I pray it is NOT true tonight too …

If you have never struggled with sleeplessness, I hope that you can truly rejoice because it is a wonderful thing to be an easy, deep sleeper. I know this because I am surrounded by them. I lie for hour after hour next to relaxed, deep-in-sleep Fred and walk past the girls’ room and say a prayer of thanks because they are both so completely conked out. And then I do all of the things you’re supposed to do when the dark hours of the night drag on …

Pray
Read Scripture
Lay my concerns at the feet of the Lord (list them one by one)
Praise
Take deep breaths
Intentionally try to relax my mind and body
Pray some more

… but sometimes my mind just won’t stop whirring and there is simply nothing I can do to sleep. This week was particularly difficult because my sleeplessness started with a terrifying and startling nightmare that felt so real, I would have sworn I actually FELT the hands that were grabbing me. SO scary. And so disorienting—especially as the hours ran one into the next in the darkness of my house.

I am always amazed at how quickly my emotions and my thinking tank when I am awake in the night with insomnia. The first night this week, my heart was OVERRUN with guilt and condemnation over sins I committed decades ago and have long since confessed. But I felt the pangs of guilt and shame as though it were the 1980’s and 1990’s. It took every ounce of will to push back against those condemning voices with the truth of God’s forgiveness and adoption of me. I even had to wake up Fred around 4:30AM to help me with that battle because it was fierce and a sleepless, tortured mind in the middle of the night sometimes needs some reinforcements.

Last night, I was very hopeful that I would sleep–I was exhausted, after all, and really WANTED to sleep. But it was almost all in vain. 9:00, 10:00, 1:30, 3:30 … it is just so hard to be so tired and so completely unable to sleep. In nights like these, I am reminded of why sleeplessness is a torture. It really is. Talk about misery and disorientation! It is simply awful to see morning sunlight begin to creep into your room when you have been lying in bed, eyes wide open, completely unable to sleep. All. Night. Long.

Still—as in all of life, there is comfort even for this difficulty. Like a multi-day migraine or a day of my bone-chip-shifting-onto-my-kneecap (excruciating-pain!) … I am far more dependent on God when I am in such an obvious, acute state of neediness. Plus, when (almost typed “if”, but I thought “when” would sound more hopeful and godly) … when I do sleep again, I will appreciate it oh-so-much.

Fred has been great throughout all of this. He is sympathetic and kind (and then rolls right back over into immediate deep sleep). He prays for me. He offers to help in any way he can. But there’s really nothing another person can do … it’s a strange, private battle and one that I truly hope I win tonight. My brain is fuzzy and I really need a crisp brain for the work I’m about to do in the next few weeks.

So with that, I will sign off of my computer (excessive time online can add to sleeplessness) … but not without first asking you to please pray for me, that I would sleep tonight. Even three or four hours would feel like such a miracle!

Thank you and sweet dreams—
Tara B.

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8