Not Bitter or Stoical: A Third Way …

A dear friend and I were visiting the other day about a sadness in her life. It’s actually a good thing that might happen in someone else’s life that is reminding her of a sad thing in her own.

She was (rightfully) feeling convicted that it was wrong for her to wish this good thing wouldn’t happen to her friend; it was wrong for her to not want to pray that this good thing would happen to her friend.

But the truth was, she was very sad. So what did I say? Well. Let me start with what I didn’t say. I did not respond to her suffering by telling her:

• “Wow! You are a terrible person. What a selfish young woman you are to not want this good thing for your friend.” or …
• “Your life is so easy and blessed. (Then list out all of the blessings in her life.) If you were a better Christian, you would never feel so ungrateful.”

 
No. Instead, I grieved with her. She has a true source of sorrow in her life. Her heart was hurting. She was sad. And as her friend, I was sad too. So I shared in her suffering (1 Cor. 12:26).

I reminded her that it is appropriate to cry. Even Jesus wept (John 11:35)! And that was right when He knew he was about to raise Lazarus AND He knew, more than any other person ever could know, how glorious Heaven was and that Lazarus would be with Him there forever. And yet He still wept. So in this fallen world, it must be appropriate for us to weep too. (Plus, the psalms of lament are there for a reason.)

But I didn’t stop there. I also gently warned her about the danger of camping out on her sorrow, only focusing on her sadness, fueling and feeding her grief to the point where her legitimate grief would turn that ugly corner into bitterness, covetousness, jealousy, ungratefulness.

Basically, I painted the picture of three paths …

1. The person who has sad or even evil things happen in their lives and they fixate on the sadness (sorrow, pain, suffering) to the point where their lives effectively stop. They no longer enjoy the blessings in their lives. They never move on. They begin to interact with everyone and every situation from a standpoint of woundedness or anger or just plain bitterness. Miserable in their misery, they leave a trail of misery themselves.
2. The person who says, “Oh well! No big deal!” or “Well, praise the Lord! What can you do?” And never really gives themselves permission to feel their feelings or grieve or lament. Sadly, when we never weep, we also never experience deep, abiding joy. We keep ourselves numbed off in some sort of la-la-land that never acknowledges reality and never deeply feels any feelings at all. Surely, we don’t want to be this person.
3. The person who grieves and laments and weeps and wails; but who also looks forward with every hope and assurance to that Good Day when there will be no more tears (Rev. 21:4) and no more sorrow; no more sin; no more lack. The person who loves deeply and so, hurts deeply; but who also finds her identity so entwined with Christ alone, that she never finds her identity or contentment in the things of this world, even her closest relationships (Philippians 4:11). The person who is not afraid to relax and risk and trust and enjoy because she knows that perfect love (which casts out all fear) is found in God alone (1 John 4:18).

(Of course, a day later, I forgot pretty much everything I said to my friend when my heart was the one hurting. So I needed her to say all of that right back to me.)

Life in a fallen world! It’s not always pretty (but sometimes it is). Filled with suffering; worthy of lament. But no excuse for bitterness.

Amen?

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:14-21 ESV

Amen!

Hope your day is a blessed one–

Yours,
Tara B.