Please Use (Even Just a Few) Words …

Knowing that it can be unloving (and even selfish) to ask for too many words from a friend (or husband!) who isn’t, shall we say, as much of a verbophile as me … I was a little reticent to ask for more details in a comment Fred recently made. (I don’t want to be a burden! I don’t want to be a Proverbs 27:15 constant dripping of a wife.) But I’m so glad I did and I know that Fred is too.

The conversation was about something deeply important to me that it felt like wasn’t that important to Fred. I was trying so hard to be careful and non-accusatory and edifying, but those kinds of “hurts are involved” conversations can still be incredibly difficult to navigate. Even with a good friend, an employee we trust and enjoy, a pastor we love—it’s hard to be vulnerable and brave and not attack-y/not defensive. (Doesn’t peace-faking/flight/avoidance really, truly feel better/easier in the short-term?!)

Thankfully, God was gracious to Fred and me and our conversation went something like this:

Tara: “So, Fred? Can you please help me to understand your perspective on all of this? How do you feel about it? What do you think?”

Fred: “Of course that is an important thing … ” [Moving onto the next topic/point …]

Tara: “May I please just stop you there and ask if you could fill in that “of course” with even just a little bit of detail? Because I think that’s where the gap is. I don’t want to be a hassle or ask for too much from you, but it would really mean a lot to me if you would paint me even just a tiny verbal picture of what that “of course” means to you. This thing is important to you too? I didn’t know that. I’d really like to hear you and understand that better.”

 And then Fred was very kind and very detailed in telling me about his perspective and his heart in the matter. It helped me so much … to not only be edified personally by his words, but also to draw closer to him as my dearest friend and my closest confidant.

I am grateful! But I am also mindful of the fact that I don’t want to always be asking so much of him “sharing-wise.” People communicate in different ways and my (verbal) way isn’t necessarily the most comfortable or easy for my friends and loved ones. I need to bend to them too. I want to serve them well. But in this instance, I’m deeply grateful that Fred drew close to me. With words.

Off to work on my handouts for the 2012 Peacemaker Conference now—

Blessings and joy to you and yours,
Tara B.