Pursuing Peace with Our Parents–Hope for This Mother’s Day (and Every Day)

Happy Mother’s Day!

We’re about to head off to church … but I thought you might enjoy reading the article that I recently had published in the Peacemaker Ministries eMagazine (eNews @ Peacemaker Ministries).

Hope it blesses you!
And that you enjoy a wonderful Sabbath day of worship and rest.

Yours,
Tara B.

Pursuing Peace with Our Parents–Hope for This Mother’s Day (and Every Day)

Does Mother’s Day (or Father’s Day) fill you with gratitude for the loving, faithful, and godly parents you have? Praise the Lord! The blessing of true Christian fellowship with our parents cannot be overstated (or over-celebrated).

But for many of us, relationships with our parents can be constant sources of stress, angst, and even lasting bitterness. Sometimes, we may try to go through the motions of “good Christian” behavior toward our parents, but inwardly, our hearts may continue to seethe over their critical words or unloving behaviors.

Have you given up any hope for a real relationship with your parents? If so, please know that you are not alone! Second only to marriage struggles, the most common issue I am asked about at conferences is damaged relationships with parents and in-laws.

Sometimes the conflicts exist simply because parents and children have different convictions on important issues of theology, child-rearing, money, and leisure, to name just a few. These differences can imply superiority and “rightness” on one side, and that may lead to pride or defensiveness.

At other times, our parent-child conflicts reflect long-term and intense hurts due to abandonment, mental illness, addictions, and outright abuse.

So what does it look like to pursue peace with our parents?

First of all, we can start by remembering that we are not the Holy Spirit and we can never change our parents’ hearts. (It is rare that we can even change their opinions!) It is difficult for children to try to advise their parents–even godly parents may feel challenged and intimidated by their children’s counsel. So be careful and wise if you dialogue on sensitive topics.

2 Timothy 2:24-25 gives helpful counsel:

“And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.”

Instead of being quarrelsome and resentful toward our parents, we can be kind, gentle, and truly persevere in love–regardless of how they treat us and how much we might disagree. This is possible as we remember the lavish love of Christ our Savior! As we meditate on the cross, God’s grace enables us to “be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:1-2).

You may be thinking, “That’s nice and all. But you could never relate to my situation. We’re not talking about some tiny conflicts; my parents are really messed up!”

Well, I come from a messed up background, too. Between my mother’s mental illness and alcoholism and my father’s multiple marriages to women who never liked me, I know first-hand that pursuing peace in parental relationships does not come easy and is rarely pleasant.

In these situations, it is particularly important that we pray for the grace to remember that we are more like them than unlike them. Whatever their sin or immaturity, apart from God’s grace, we would be equally as lost. Meditating on the holiness of God and his merciful forgiveness toward us will help to guard our hearts from judging, condemning, and even hating our parents.

We must also remember that God sovereignly ordained our parents for us and us for them. This doesn’t mean that we are to rejoice in evil, celebrate the atrocities in our childhood, or allow ongoing acts of cruelty toward our families or ourselves. (Many a time I have gently and lovingly said, “Mom, you’re drunk now. And you’re saying a lot of hateful things to me that you’ll probably regret when you sober up. So I’m going to go ahead and hang up now–but know that I love you and I look forward to talking to you again another day.”)

Even in these difficult times, we can have peace! Regardless of how our parents treat us, we do not have to be filled with fear, angst, or bitterness–these things will only destroy us. Instead we can grieve the pain and losses associated with our parents. But we always have hope! Though we may weep now, ultimately, Christ is all we need: “Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me” Psalm 27:10. And God may even give the gift of improved relationship–I am so grateful, in particular, for the growth I’ve had over the years with my mom, and take joy in seeing my daughter grow up knowing her grandma well.

As I write this article, my father is critically ill. Unless God works a miracle and softens his heart, he will die apart from Christ. I’ve shared the gospel with him numerous times, but his heart is hard and he continues to treat me poorly. Yet I strive to bless and encourage him for one reason alone: obedience to God and a heartfelt desire to finish well.

You see, I think often of the fact that I am not called to be loved by them, but to love them and pour myself out to minister Christ to them. I must strive to treat them not as they treat me, but as God the Father treats me, with mercy, kindness, and generous love.

How I pray that you, too, will have great hope and be encouraged to pursue peace with your parents as much as it depends on you (Romans 12:18 ).