Redemptive Confrontation: “God wants us to adjust the intensity of our communication to fit the other person’s position and the urgency of the situation.”

From Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker:

“Talking to other people about a conflict is usually an unpleasant experience. We often let tensions build to the exploding point and then confront people with a list of their wrongs. They become defensive and react with a list of our wrongs, which leads to a painful battle of words. Those who are more verbally skilled may win a few arguments this way, but in the process they lose many important relationships.

The gospel opens the door for an entirely different approach to talking to others about their role in a conflict. Remembering God’s mercy towards us, we can approach others in a spirit of love rather than condemnation. And instead of using guilt and shame to force others to change themselves, we can breathe grace by holding out to them the wonderful news that God wants to free them from sin and help them grow to be like his Son.

There are many helpful communication skills we can learn as well; these enable us to listen more carefully and speak more clearly and graciously. Godly communication usually leads to better understanding and agreement. As your words are seasoned with wisdom and grace, talking to others about their wrongs can become an avenue for strengthening relationships, serving other people, and bringing praise to God ….

Jesus is clearly calling for something much more loving and redemptive than simply confronting others with a list of their wrongs. He wants us to remember and imitate his shepherd love for us — to seek after others to help them turn from sin and be restored to God and those whom they have offended. This restoration theme is echoed throughout Scripture, as we are urged to “help,” “restore,” “save,” and “forgive” those who are caught in sin (see 1 Thess. 5:14; Gal. 6:1; James 5:20; Luke 17:23).

Although this restoration process may sometimes require direct confrontation, the Bible teaches that there are often better ways to approach people regarding their wrongs. In fact, Scripture rarely uses words we would translate as “confront” to describe the process of talking to others about their faults. Instead, it calls us to use a wide spectrum of activities to minister to others, including confessing, teaching, instructing, reasoning with, showing, encouraging, correcting, warning, admonishing, or rebuking (Matt. 5:23-24; Luke 17:3; Acts 17:17; 1 Thess. 5:14; 2 Tim. 2:24; 4:2). God wants us to adjust the intensity of our communication to fit the other person’s position and the urgency of the situation (1 Tim. 5:1; Titus 1:13). We are also warned not to let disagreements with others degenerate into quarreling, arguing, or foolish controversies (Phil. 2:14; 2 Tim. 2:23-24; Titus 3:9). Clearly, there is more to restoring others than simply confronting them with their wrongs. Therefore, if we want to be effective as peacemakers, we need to ask God to help us to be discerning and flexible so that we can use whatever approach will be most effective in a given situation.”