Required to Do What I Cannot Do
Today I had a very uncomfortable few hours wherein I wrestled with this reality:
I was being required to do something that I simply could not do.
It wasn’t immoral or illegal. (Thank God! I’d had THAT situation erupt as a first year associate attorney back in Chicago and I have to say, it’s shocking and horrible when you have to face that, “How will I respond?!?” question re: ethics / convictions / and your ability to pay back $73,000 in grad school loans. I chose to walk away, of course. But it was a frightening / the room is SPINNING / who am I REALLY kind of moment.)
Today was much less exciting or important. My limitations simply abutted a rule/policy and OH MY OH MY! I just couldn’t figure out a plan on what to do.
At first I was angry. (My initial, emotional response was, “This is SO not wise!” But of course, when I took a breath and thought about it rationally, I knew that it was.)
Then I just wanted to run away. (I really do like the “Escape Zone” of the Slippery Slope.)
But finally, by God’s grace, I realized this: If I couldn’t do what was being required of me, that was probably a fairly good indicator from the Lord that I am not the right person for this particular area of service.
And that was really, truly, 100% OK with me.
I never really WANTED to serve in this way. It just seemed like a good/wise opportunity to serve and bless.
I am absolutely SURE that someone else can serve better.
So my heart (and spinning/racing MIND!) really started to CALM DOWN when I realized:
“Hey! I can’t do this. Either someone else is going to be able to do this OR this particular ministry will simply fold OR the people in leadership will re-evaluate the wisdom of their decision / help come up with a creative solution, etc. In any case. IT’S OK, TARA. Let it GO.”
A tiny bit of growth, eh?
And to think … I’m only almost-40. By almost-80, I might have the teeniest, tiniest bit of maturity to me.
(“But for sure in Heaven.” As Sophia always reminds me.)
Hope your day was a blessed one and either you WEREN’T required to do something you cannot do OR you came to clarity faster and easier than me.
G’nite, all!
Yours,
Tara B.