Sure I Have Forgiven You — But Now I Know Not to Trust You. Ever.

Without getting into the complexities of major offenses (involving criminal activities, civil authorities, etc.) …

Thinking only of the relatively mundane (but truly hurtful!) real-life conflicts that we all face in our workplaces, marriages, parenting, friendships, churches, schools, etc …Have you ever thought (or even SAID) something like this?

“Sure. I forgive you. You bet. No problem. [But NOW I know the REAL YOU and I know to never EVER be real with you or trust you again.]”

It’s almost as though we know we “HAVE TO” forgive, so we offer some token “Christian” words. But all the while, we are closing down our hearts. Tight. Locked. “You can’t hurt me again.”

If you’re familiar with the Foundational Principles of Peacemaker Ministries, then you know that such a (human! understandable! but wrong) attitude clearly violates the last promise of The Four Promises of Forgiveness:

1. “I will not dwell on this incident.”
2. “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.”
3. “I will not talk to others about this incident.”
4. “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

In Peacemaking Women, Judy and I expand that fourth promise and explain it like this:
 

“I will not avoid you or neglect our relationship. Instead, I will pray, allow time, and faithfully labor towards our continued reconciliation and the true restoration of our relationship …

True forgiveness sets us free to work toward restoration of the relationship. As is often the case, we may not feel like close friends at the end of the peacemaking process even though we have reached a point of reconciliation. This is because the need for restoration still exists. To better understand this concept, it is helpful to make the distinction between reconciliation and restoration.

Think of the analogy of a broken bone. If a leg is broken, the doctor sets the bone and the gap is healed (reconciled). This is what happens when someone confesses to us and we forgive her. In the same way that a freshly set bone is not ready to bear weight, a broken relationship, newly reconciled, often needs time and help to be fully restored. A broken bone might need a cast or physical therapy for complete restoration. The same thing happens to a relationship following reconciliation. It often takes prayer, time, and focused effort to build trust back into a formerly broken relationship. A good rule of thumb: the greater the fracture, the longer the recovery time. Just as a healed bone that never bears weight will never grow stronger, relationships that are avoided or neglected will never grow stronger. God’s grace and mercy enable us to strengthen reconciled relationships. We may send cards or emails, take extra time to share a gift that truly communicates love, or any other countless acts of kindness that communicate our commitment to the relationship. Reconciliation is an event, but restoration is a process that slowly restores the relationship.”

I struggle even as I read the words we wrote because. Well. Honestly? When I’ve really been hurt by someone, I don’t even want to look them in the EYE more or less WORK HARD to rebuild and restore the relationship.

But Love compels me:

Oh! How I thank God that He never calls us to do something without giving us the grace to obey.

Sending my love,
Tara B.