The Difficult Task of Declining the Sleepover Invitation

Last year I read a post by Tim Challies on why his family doesn’t do sleepovers, reminded me of an awkward conversation we had to have with some of our dearest friends in the world. It had to do with an invitation that one of our daughters had for a birthday party sleepover.

As a general rule, we are a “NO SLEEPOVER” type of family. But we have some exceptions to this rule—basically, when we have known a family for years and years and we trust them and their children to be not only appropriate, but vigilant, re: access to and use of technology, nature of entertainment, length of unsupervised child-time, etc. etc. … we may allow the occasional sleepover. But since our children are still in the incredibly vulnerable season of life of little child/pre-teen years, we try to be very careful. And when we KNOW that there are going to be other children / teens in the house whom we do not know? Yeah. That’s a deal-killer for us. We must do the difficult thing and decline the sleepover invitation. (This includes any type of sleepover camp too.)

There are many reasons for our vigilant commitment re: this topic, but let me name just a few:

Even though the vast majority of people with whom our children interact would never sexually assault a child, we just don’t know. And thus, we must be careful. (That is why we LOVE—and share often!—the “Safe Side Super Chick” materials for explaining some healthy and wise ways to talk about “Don’t Knows” and “Kinda Knows” and “Safe Side Grownups”—because the vast majority of children who are harmed in this way are not harmed by a “stranger” but by a “KINDA-KNOW” Sad, but true.)
Whether we admit it or not; whether we are taking intentional steps to address it or not, we are raising children in a pornified culture. The VHS videos and “Pl**boy” and “Hu**ler” magazines that saturated my childhood? Yeah. Sure. I really do not have even ONE early childhood memory that is not affected by p*rnogrpahy, but as vile as that all was (and it was vile!), those images are TAME compared to what is insidiously, intentionally “out there” (meaning, on every single internet-linked device in your house and in your children’s pockets!), purposefully and shrewdly designed to ensnare and addict our children.
Let’s say we trust the parents; really trust them. And even the children in the family. Great. But what about the child we do not know who also is invited to the sleepover? That’s what happened in this situation. We were happy to drop our child off and come back at ANY time of the night (post games / presents / movie / popcorn) and pick her up. But our daughter could not stay for the sleepover. Because something bad would happen? Not necessarily. But because we just didn’t know. Oh, and we had these data points too: a (terrible!) s*xting situation had just happened to a very good friend of ours at a (sweet, innocent) sleepover involving nine year-olds (explained further below); every statistic I find from every citation indicates that the age of inadvertent exposure to p*rn for young children (even the “good kids” from “involved parenting” homes) is dropping lower and lower each year because the p*rn industry TARGETS children (with innocent search terms and progressively addictive images and experiences); and lastly, we operate at an extremely high level of vigilance because I can still remember the smell and touch of the (drunk) father of my eighth-grade friend who came into our “innocent/fun” pre-teen sleepover and pressed his (filthy) body against mine as he ran his hand up and down the entire length of my body before I jumped up and ran out of the room and threatened to call the police or my dad. (Why, oh why, didn’t I do both?! 30+ years later and I still regret that. But children are incredibly vulnerable; it was the middle of the night in the world before cell phones; somehow I felt responsible and bad about it all and I just wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened. Just like so many young child abuse victims.)

So. What do we do with all of that information? All of those warnings? We read just a few things more (SO worth your time!) and we keep talking and praying with our children AND taking steps to help them as they navigate this difficult area of life:

Teens and Unrestricted Access to the Internet: I would change this title to “Children and Unrestricted Access to the Internet because the first “sexting” text my friend’s child received was at a sleepover at age 9!! (“C’mon! Take off your shirt and send us a photo!”) Age 9! At a sleepover. And these were “good kids” having a sleepover in a godly home! The mom heard the friend’s phone buzz at midnight and took it away of course. And rethought sleepovers for their family.

Three Things You Don’t Know About Your Children and Sex *(Short and to the point, but worth the read.)
Teach your children about the limits on authority (!!). This is particularly important for families that emphasize the blessings of headship and submission / “first time obedience.”
Affirm over and over again that you WILL believe your children, even if someone whom we ALL thought would be a trustworthy, safe-side-adult-level person. (I had to ask my oldest daughter to forgive me when I did not emphasize this enough re: a sleepover situation.) Strangers may assault our children. But statistically, if they are ever hurt in this way, it’s going to be by someone they “kinda know.”
Start young. “The Right Touch” has been a good introductory book for our family, but I’m sure there are many others.
Speak positively and happily about the blessings of s*x within marriage. Our oldest child is very fond of talking about an analogy we read together about fire in the fireplace bringing warmth and light and safety and pleasure—but even a spark outside of its rightful place can bring pain, destruction, and utter devastation.
Remember: When it comes to child abuse, especially in the church, justice may be grace. (Lots more links in this article too.)

Oh. And yes, please do re-think your standards for sleepovers. There’s something about undressing and being completely vulnerable while asleep; the adult-free-access to online things and technology things; nephews and uncles and friends of brothers who are also in the house. It’s just a higher-risk-situation than more normal situations for most children who have involved parents in their lives. So please be careful and wise. (And please don’t think this issue is only about girls being assaulted. I know the statistics and I have heard personally the unimaginable suffering young boys experience when they are sexually assaulted.)

God gives grace for survivors of child sexual abuse! Praise His name! But we want to be able to say with a clear conscience that we did everything we could to keep our children from this horror.

For God’s glory and the protection of our littles,
Tara B.

(Photo courtesy of PotteryBarnKids.)