The First Pangs of Conscience (or Is It Remorse?)

I think it has only been within the last two weeks that our three year-old has expressed her first pangs of conscience. Both times, she did not merely express anger and frustration at the painful consequences for her  choices; she went deeper. She began to wail in grief over what she had done and how she (herself) had a “bad,” a sinful, heart. It was for me simultaneously heart-breaking (it is hard to be around any person who is despairing, more or less our precious little love bug!) and hope-producing (ahhhh! evidence of that for which I have prayed for every single day of her life—the Holy Spirit at work in her heart).

Both times, I prayed and prayed internally and out loud for wisdom:

• I don’t want to comfort her too quickly; it is good for her to feel even a tiny bit of the weight of her sin; but
• She is a child! She is MY child. I love her. I so long to comfort her with the truth of the eternal adoption as a covenant daughter of the King of Kings and how she has a forever home in my heart and in our family; that though her sin is serious and must be addressed, her identity as a beloved child is never at risk.

 
So there were many words and actions of law (a clear call to repent of the path that leads to danger, destruction, pain, broken relationships, estrangement, death … and to take active steps to choose the wise path of righteousness that leads to safety, wholeness, soundness, health, Shalom). But there was always a clear reminder of gospel (that we can never do so perfectly; therefore, our hope and confidence must be in the perfection of Jesus and His perfect life, substitionary death, resurrection, return; AND in the covenant-making God Who loves to forgive sinners and Who promises to be our God and make us His people; not by works, lest any should boast).

Thinking about all of these things (and trying to be even better prepared for these unplanned, “on-the-fly” theology lessons, I reviewed portions of John Gills “A Body of Doctrinal and Practical Divinity”. This paragraph was particularly helpful:

“2b5. There is a conscience enlightened and awakened with a sense of sin and danger; which, though for the present distressing, issues well; as in the three thousand pricked in their hearts, who said to the apostles, “Men and brethren, what shall we do?” and in the jailor, who came trembling before Paul and Silas, and said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” which, though attended with great agonies in both instances, issued well, in repentance unto life and salvation, not to be repented of; the immediate effects of a truly awakened conscience, are shame and confusion of face for sin; as in our first parents, who attempted to cover their nakedness, and hide themselves; see #Ro 6:22 dread of the divine Being, fear of punishment, and wrath to come, #Ro 4:15 an ingenuous confession of sin, and sorrow for it, #1Ti 1:13 2Co 7:10 from which shame, fear, and sorrow, it is relieved by a discovery and application of pardon through the blood of Christ, which, and which only, makes the conscience a good one.”

This is (thankfully) what I believe I heard at even an introductory level when our dear Ella-Bella cried out, “My heart is bad!” And another day, “Am I really a sinner?” And just yesterday morning, “I wish God would save me from my sin!”

And then.

She listened to my words, yes. But even more encouragingly, she began to call up all sorts of First Catechism truths and say to herself and to me, “Oh! Momma! So THAT’S what that means?!”

• “How sinful are you by nature? I am corrupt in every part of my being.” (“I’m really a sinner?” Yes, dear, you are. Just like me. Just like Daddy and Sissie and our pastors and friends. We are all sinners in need of salvation.)
• “How did you break the covenant of life? Adam represented all people, and so I fell with Adam in his first sin.” (“I did! I did! I fell with Adam?” Yes. Yes. Yes.)
• “How, then, can you be saved? By the Lord Jesus Christ through the covenant of grace!” (I love how she always puts an exclamation point at the end of that one.)

So much truth for such a little one. So much truth for ME to hear anew.

If now we will but believe and live out even a sliver of all we know to be true …

May God help us! (He does. He does.)

SDG,
Tara B.