The Most Peacemaking-y Response in That Exact Moment? Back Off and Give Me Some Time

Fred and I had a whopper of a fight recently. It was one of those awful cul-de-sac conflicts where even our best efforts to pull out of fighting only wrapped us around even more into deeper, more hurtful, more frustrating exchanges. Finally, I just broke down and wept. I sobbed in a way that I don’t easily or frequently sob. I was literally begging Fred to just stop the fight; to do whatever it took in that moment to relieve me of the crushing hopelessness I was feeling.

And Fred, being the kind and loving friend that he is, did just that. He backed off. He recognized that even though he was not trying to hurt me further, that was the end result. He also saw that there were all sorts of things happening in my heart that really didn’t have anything to do with him, but that our (relatively minor) conflict had ballooned into an emotional porcupine of hurts that was cutting and wounding me more and more with each stab.

So he backed off. He gentled. He recognized that it was not the best time to continue to work through whatever minor issue it was we had to work through. He shifted out of “let’s get to the bottom of this” mode and moved smoothly into “how can I help you / I am so sorry you are hurting so badly” mode.

Some might look at his response and think that he had slipped off of The Slippery Slope into an escape / run away response. But I think that his words and actions demonstrated the kind of wisdom that comes from Heaven:

“The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” James 3:17-18 (ESV)

 Sometimes, people are hurting. Tired. Battered. Depressed. Hungry. Embarrassed. Overwhelmed. Rather than beating them over the head with “The Seven A’s of Confession” or “The PAUSE Principle” (both excellent resources at the appropriate time), sometimes the most peacemaking-y thing we can do is to back off. Put the immediate conflict on hold. And move towards the other person with words and actions that are “full of mercy and good fruits.”

That’s what Fred did for me, and I was so grateful. And, yes, of course, at an appropriate time, we did revisit the presenting issue and work through it. But I think I had a chance to sleep a little first. Praise God.

And thanks, Fred! I appreciate your grace more and more every day.

In Christ our Only Hope,
Tara B.