Sticking with People is Frustrating … You Will Suffer Pain if You are Committed to People
What a contrast in articles!
The first is what I would charitably characterize as a, well, not very gracious, thoughtful, or helpful article on why every woman should “ditch the guilt” dropping her little baby off with the “professionals” because staying home with young children can “drive you bonkers,” “give you a back problem and a brain ache,” and women “just need more.”
(If you’re really interested, you can read it here, but I think there are far better articles “out there” that graciously and intelligently address this important wisdom issue. And I do think it is a wisdom issue—so discernment, humility, and love are required when we talk about this or any other parenting issue. Drawing harsh, judgmental, black and white lines in the sand is never encouraging, redemptive, or helpful—but boy people can sure do it.)
In contradistinction to that “I don’t like it; it’s not a good fit for me; I’m not using my gifts; I want—I DESERVE—more!” attitude, oh oh oh! If you only read one online article today … I urge you to read THIS ONE (!). It has “nothing” to do with parenting or motherhood, well, except the way that all good (biblical, Christ-exalting, focused on eternity, loving God & neighbor for the glory of God) theology always applies to all of life.
The author is a personal hero of mine—truly one of the greatest men I have ever met with in person in this life. Brilliant, yet humble. Extraordinarily gifted, yet laying down his life to take the least place and serve. A preacher who can (and does) hold the attention of thousands, yet is a quiet and gentle man when he talks face-to-face with you (a benefit I have personally been blessed to experience). A churchman. Laying down his life for his wife and children.
I really could go on and on, but a) I know he would hate that; and b) I know that he is not the reason why the insights in this article are so profound. Instead, it is because Christians through the ages (until recently, in certain geographical areas) have not only known these truths to be, in fact, true; they have lived these truths:
Oh, friends! If we could only begin to grasp even just a sliver of how important suffering is in the life of the Christian … our families, churches, schools / homeschool co-ops / tutoring relationships (did I get everyone?), sports leagues, youth orchestras, workplaces, rescue missions, pregnancy care centers, mission organizations … would be changed. If Christians would learn to suffer well, the world would be changed.
Let me pull just a few excerpts from this profound article by Ajith Fernando to hopefully tempt you to click through and read it all:
“I write this shortly after returning from a week of teaching pastors in the deep south of Sri Lanka. These pastors’ experience shows that when people pioneer in unreached areas, they usually wait 10 to 15 years before seeing significant fruit and reduced hostility. In the early years, they are assaulted and accused falsely; stones are thrown onto their roofs; their children are given a hard time in school; and they see few genuine conversions. Many pioneers give up after a few years. But those who persevere bear much eternal fruit. I am humbled and ashamed of the way I complain about problems that are minute compared to theirs.
When I return from ministry in the West, my feelings are very different. I have been able to “use my gifts” and spend most of my time doing things I like. But when I resume being a leader in Sri Lanka’s less-efficient culture, frustration hits me. The transition from being a speaker in the West to being a leader in Sri Lanka is difficult. As a leader, I am the bond-servant (doulos) of the people I lead (2 Cor. 4:5). This means that my schedule is shaped more by their needs than by mine.“
… “Young Christian workers who come back to Sri Lanka after studying in the West struggle with this. They are highly qualified, but our poor nation cannot afford to give them the recognition they think their qualifications deserve. They cannot use their gifts to the fullest; they struggle with frustration; some start their own organizations so as to fulfill their “vision.” … I try to tell these students that their frustration could be the means to developing penetrating insight. I explain that people like John Calvin and Martin Luther had a dizzying variety of responsibilities, so that they could only use their gifts in the fog of fatigue …”
“We call our churches and Christian organizations “families,” but families are very inefficient organizations. In a healthy family, everything stops when a member has big needs. We are often not willing to extend this commitment to Christian body life.”
…”When people leave a church because they do not fit the program, it communicates a deadly message: that our commitment is to the work and not to the person, that our unity is primarily in the work and not in Christ and the gospel. The sad result is that Christians do not have the security of a community that will stay by them no matter what happens. They become shallow individuals, never having true fellowship and moving from group to group. Churches committed to programs can grow numerically, but they don’t nurture biblical Christians who understand the implications of belonging to the body of Christ.”
“Sticking with people is frustrating. Taking hours to listen to an angry or hurt person seems inefficient. Why should we waste time on that when professionals could do it? So people have counselors to do what friends should be doing.”
“Ideally, counselors help diagnose and treat difficult cases, and friends give the time that is needed to bring healing through acceptance, comfort, and friendship … Several people have sympathized with me, saying it must be hard and frustrating to serve in a country wracked by war and hostile to evangelism. Indeed, we have suffered. A few months ago, one of our staff workers was brutally assaulted and killed. But I think the biggest pain I have experienced is the pain I have received from Youth for Christ, the organization for which I have worked for 34 years. I can also say that next to Jesus and my family, Youth for Christ has been the greatest source of joy in my life.”
“Whether you live in the East or the West, you will suffer pain if you are committed to people. This is suffering that can be avoided. We can avoid pain by stopping the relationship or moving on to something more “fulfilling.” But what do we lose?
Some years ago I was preparing a message on commitment while traveling in the West. Within the space of a few days, three people told me how they or someone close to them had left a group or a person because of problems. One had left an unhappy marriage; another, a church; another, an organization. Each person described his leaving as a merciful release from suffering. But I could not help asking myself whether, in each of these cases, the Christian thing to do would have been to stay and suffer …”
There are still two more pages of nuggets and his conclusion (“The Glory of the Gospel”)—well—I just want you to read it for yourself.
Because it’s not about working “outside” of the home or “inside” of the home; it’s not about whether you CAN get a divorce (“biblically” and “without guilt”); it’s not about whether you will be happier, feel safer and more accepted, use your gifts more strategically, be rewarded, be affirmed …
Life is all about Him. God. And life is a just a blink—a flash. Then it is over and our Real Life begins.
This little season? These 40, 50, 80, 100 years? This is our one opportunity to share in the sufferings of Christ; to bear up under the pain of even unjust suffering because we are conscious of God (1 Peter 2:19). Once this life is over? No more suffering for those who are in Christ Jesus.
I pray that wherever our duties take us today—to the boardroom, courtroom, or surgery center; out on the ranch, in the corn fields of Iowa, or into the blazing sun for a day of hard, manual labor; stuffing bulletins in our church office, volunteering at a local ministry … or, yes, sitting on the floor stacking blocks over and over again while your friend’s one year old delights in knocking them down, after having spent 90 minutes cuddling and reading with your five year old (and then 30 minutes talking, disciplining, and praying with your seven and thirteen year olds … hypothetically, for, you know, a woman we’ll call Lara) …
I pray that we will use our gifts in the fog of fatigue; pick up our cross; count it all joy; and suffer well as we live lives that are committed to sticking with people. Pain is the price of love! And love is worth it.
Grateful for you—
Your friend,
Tara B.
PS
When I was checking the links for Ajith’s article, I found this Gospel Coalition post that includes links to Ajith’s book on this subject and links to videos of him teaching on this subject. Enjoy!