When Our Church Leaders Let Us down

Awhile back, I received an email from a woman who was seeking my advice about some concerns she and her husband had regarding their new pastor. I won’t go into any more details (in order to guard their confidentiality), but I think even with just that cursory picture in your mind, some of you might want to read my response to her:

“Dear Tammy [NOT her real name of course],

I am so very sorry to learn of this painful situation in your church! I have prayed for you and I hope that this email provides you with some ideas for consideration–but of course, I don’t know ‘for sure’ what would be the most wise and loving response in your exact situation.

To begin, it seems to me that the Lord is working on your heart in this situation and I would encourage you to seek counsel and help with that area first of all. For example, to what extent (if any) might you have a deep, graceless, lack of love toward this “young pastor” (and other church leaders who do not meet with your approval).

As I’m sure you know, it is very hard to help someone when we can’t stand them. They pick up on our lack of love and pretty much anything we try to do or say communicates the gracelessness that we feel (even if it’s only nonverbally).

So … how might God be leading you to repent of any harshness, judgmental attitudes, lack of love, lack of care, and lack of grace?

Secondly, I think it is so wonderful that you are aware of your constitution and you care about it. I love reading bylaws and constitutions too! So that really resonated with me and made me smile.

However … I’m sure you are aware that most people just aren’t that into “details.” They don’t curl up with the Book of Church Order as a good read and even if they do, many people (even people in authority over us) just don’t have the temperament/brain power/intellect and experience/maturity to begin to understand, follow, implement, and enforce it.

Therefore, I would encourage you to, again, begin with any potential logs in your own eye. Could it possibly be that you are maybe a tiny bit proud re: your understanding of “what’s RIGHT” and “their” ignorance/lack of intellect/lack of rigor when it comes to important issues like these?

I bring this up because, again, it is very, very hard to gently and graciously help ANYONE–more or less a LEADER–when we think we are better than them / when we are judging them as incompetent when compared to us / when, rather than trying to come alongside of them and HELP THEM, we really just want to STOP THEM or FIX THEM, etc.

But that leads me to my third point–dear Tammy, I know I don’t know you well, but it seems to me that God has gifted you and your husband in many ways. And this is obviously a painful burden to you. So, NO, I don’t think you should just “let God take care of the problem.” I could very easily see God using YOU to help with “the problem”–BUT, and this is the key, if you think of “them” as being “out there” and “them” as being “THE PROBLEM,” then you are missing out on so much …

– the covenantal nature of Christian relationships
 – your own depravity and blindness and sin
– true ecclesiology and what the church IS and what church authority MEANS and what ordination means
– how to use your gifts with grace and humility

etc. etc.

Plus? If “THEY” are the problem, you’re never going to love them.

Please remember that either they are unbelievers who need Jesus; or they are Christians who have some (apparently significant) areas of blindness, immaturity, and sin in them. Either way, how is God calling you to HELP in the situation and be a sweet, gracious, wise, discerning, edifying, fragrant aroma of the gospel? This may mean speaking up. It may mean being silent. Probably, it’ll be a combination of the two. But a combination of the two WITH LOVE, WITH GRACE, mindful of how desperate you are for God’s grace too.

I hope these brief thoughts are helpful to you even a tiny bit. Please take them with a big grain of salt and throw out the chaff!

OK–must run now. Sending you my love from Montana!

Yours,
Tara B.”

PS
The website “Redeeming Church Conflicts” has a number of articles thath might be of help to you. So sorry for your suffering.

[A re-post from February 2009]