When Peacemaking Causes Conflict

Have you ever tried to “fix” a relationship and “make peace” only to have it backfire in your face in such a terrible way that you really wish you had just left things alone? I have. There is just something so much easier (on the surface at least) and “nicer” about peace-faking. Sure, when we focus on protecting ourselves by denying that conflict exists or pretending that everything is fine—pasting a smile on our face while slamming shut the door of our heart—we know on a deep level that we are not loving because “love makes us vulnerable” (CS Lewis). But the pain of rejection and betrayal from people we have genuinely trusted is a burning pain, a daily pain, that can lead us to despair and isolation as we run away emotionally to protect ourselves relationally.

Isn’t it better to never try in the first place? To just let things stay “sort of OK”? For the Christian, the answer is clear: No. It is not better to peace-fake. It is not better to prioritize self-protection over selfless love. Yes, our interests matter and we can consider them (see Philippians 2:4). Yes, love and wisdom may look different in different scenarios. But for the Christian, our overriding motivation must always be founded on the interests of Christ (see Philippians 2:21). Each time people let us down and our hearts are broken, we must ask the question: What does love look like in this situation?

Sometimes, love requires rebuke. Sometimes, we are called to overlook (unilaterally forgive, cf. Proverbs 19:11). Silence may be loving, or it may be punitive. None of us has pure motives in these situations, but we are to strive to be loving because God reveals himself as merciful and forgiving, compassionate and gracious, loving, throughout the Old and New Testaments (cf. Exodus 34:6-7 and 1 John 4:8) … and he calls us to “imitate him as dearly loved children” (Ephesians 5:1). Jesus explains that the Second Greatest Commandment is to love our neighbor (Mark 12:31). And we can’t even get off the hook with jerks (or, more politely stated, people who are consistently hurting us), because Jesus commands us to love even our enemies and to do good to those who hate us (Luke 6:27).

This kind of love is active love. Dependent love. Prayerful love.
It is also painful and messy love.

Peace-faking seems so much cleaner and so much nicer on the surface, kind of like a plank in your backyard patio that is smooth on one side but rotting on the other. It looks good on the surface! But it will never bear weight. The same is true of our relationships. If there are unaddressed hurts, loveless sins by acts of omission or commission, grudges, anger, and unforgiveness “deep down,” our relationships will never bear the weight of the normal hurts that happen in life. The problem is, peace-making in relationships can be like digging into all of that disgusting, degrading rot in a patio beam. It isn’t pretty. It isn’t fun. But before you build that marriage on top of a weakened beam; before you try to grow your women’s ministry, your church plant, your witness at work or school (or to your own family) … you must do the hard work of honestly examining (confessing, and addressing) the rot that threatens to collapse everything.

 In Matthew 7:5, Jesus described this as removing the “planks” in your own eye before you help your brother with the “specks” in his eye. Yes, some mud clumps, rot, and even worms may fall into your lap as you peel back the surface and actually start to address the problem. No, it won’t be enjoyable at first, but ultimately it will be good, truly good (strong, whole, rightly repaired), for the long-term.

If you would like to learn more about the concepts of peace-faking and peace-making, my coauthors and I explain them in “Peacemaking Women” and “Redeeming Church Conflicts” and I include Ken Sande’s graphic about these concepts (“The Slippery Slope”) in my video series “Living the Gospel in Relationships.” (You can order all of my books and videos here–for a much lower cost than Amazon!)

Do you see how the escape responses are really peace-faking? And the attack responses are peace-breaking? Which responses are you prone to? How have unaddressed hurts, fears, and conflicts weakened your relationships?

As we learn how to do the hard, time-consuming work of facing pain, enduring discomfort, truly listening, humbly speaking, repenting, confessing, and lavishly forgiving—just as in Christ we have been forgiven (Colossians 3:13)—we will see that genuine peacemaking is not only the sole option available to Christians, it is actually best for the long haul because running away or denying problems never strengthens trust or deepens love.

Even when it hurts beyond words, we “pursue peace inasmuch as it depends on us” (Romans 12:18). As we do so, we remember God’s compassion. He understands our sorrows! He is “close to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18) and nothing breaks our hearts like conflict.

[A re-post from an original article I published over at enCourage]