When the advice exacerbates the problem …

Let’s pretend there is a 35-year old woman who struggles with a pervasive sense of being “not good enough.” We’ll call her Sara.

And let’s further pretend that “Sara” tries really really hard to relate well with people, honor the Lord, etc. etc. but often she fails. Miserably. She says the wrong thing. Does the wrong thing. And her overarching sense of being “bad” often clouds her thinking and feeling and leads her to do the extremely annoying thing of putting herself down.

Yes, yes. “Sara” knows this is wrong. There is nothing lovely or edifying about someone putting herself down all the time.
It’s unpleasant.
Stupid. Unbiblical. Ridiculous. Not God-glorifying. Not loving.

So what do you do?
Tell Sara to stop putting herself down so much?

(Because it’s wrong, bad, dumb, ridiculous, stupid? … “Just like Sara is bad, stupid, dumb, a failure … “ Sara’s unbilblical and erroneous shame-filled thoughts scream at her internally.)

Or do you pray for the grace to fix your heart on Jesus,
and glimpsing even a sliver of His majesty and mercy,
 turn to “Sara” with compassion. Patience. Kindness. Mercy.

When appropriate and loving — gently restore (confront) her … recommitting yourself to her in safety, acceptance, friendship, and love. Pointing out the ways you struggle too (you’re no better than her!). Reminding her (and you!) of God’s grace and mercy and saving, redeeming, rescuing love. Meditating on Scripture together. Praying with her. Asking her to pray for you too.

So that two sinners
desperate for salvation
encourage one another to lay hold of Christ
His Word
His promises
Himself.

Oh, that “Sara” (and Tara) and all of us would give and receive “advice” like this … for we are all in great need of grace.