When to Overlook and When to Confront

God also calls you to go and talk to someone about a conflict if that person’s sins are too serious to overlook. This is why Jesus said, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3). It is sometimes difficult to decide whether another person’s sin is so serious that you need to go and talk about it. Below are a few of the situations that may warrant this kind of attention.

As discussed earlier, there may be some situations in which it is best to work initially through intermediaries who have a closer relationship with the other person. It is generally best to keep these kinds of discussions as private as possible, however, so the other person is spared embarrassment. Therefore, in the following discussion, I will focus primarily on the situation where you are in a position to approach the other individual personally and privately.

Is It Dishonoring God?

Sin is too serious to overlook if it is likely to bring significant dishonor to God (see, e.g., Matt. 21:12–13; Rom. 2:23–24). If someone who professes to be a Christian is behaving in such a way that others are likely to think less of God, of his church, or of his Word, it may be necessary to talk with that person and urge him to change his behavior. This doesn’t mean that we should call attention to every minor offense, for God himself is patient and forbearing with much of what we do wrong. But when someone’s sin becomes visible enough to obviously and significantly affect a Christian’s witness, it needs to be addressed.

Is It Damaging Your Relationship?

You should also go and talk about offenses that are damaging your relationship with another person. If you are unable to forgive an offense—that is, if your feelings, thoughts, words, or actions toward another person have been altered for more than a short period of time—the offense is probably too serious to overlook. Even minor wrongdoing can damage a relationship if it is repeated. Although something minor may be easily forgiven the first few times, frustration and resentment can eventually build up. When this happens, it may be necessary to bring the matter to the other person’s attention so that the offensive pattern can be changed.

Is It Hurting Others?

An offense or disagreement is also too serious to overlook when it results in significant harm to you or others. This can happen in various ways. The offender may be hurting or imperiling others in a direct way (e.g., child abuse or drunken driving). The person may also be setting an example that will encourage other Christians to behave in a similar manner. Knowing that “a little yeast works through the whole batch of dough,” Paul commands Christians to address serious and open sin quickly and firmly to save other believers from being led astray (1 Cor. 5:1–13; cf. 2 Tim. 4:2–4; Prov. 10:17). An offense can also adversely affect others if it is made public and other Christians take sides. When the peace and unity of the church are threatened in this way, the underlying problem needs to be addressed before it causes serious division (Titus 3:10).

Is It Hurting the Offender?

Finally, sin needs to be addressed when it is seriously harming the offender, either by direct damage (e.g., alcohol abuse) or by impairing his or her relationship with God or other people. Looking out for the well-being of other Christians, especially those in your own family or congregation, is a serious responsibility. Unfortunately, because many Christians have adopted the world’s view that everyone should be allowed to “do his own thing,” some believers will do nothing, even when they see a brother or sister ensnared in serious sin. This is not the kind of love Jesus demonstrated, nor is it consistent with the clear teaching of Scripture:

• Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his sin (Lev. 19:17).

• Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,” does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done? (Prov. 24:11–12).

• Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses (Prov. 27:5–6; cf. 9:8; 19:25; 28:23).

• Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted (Gal. 6:1).

• My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins (James 5:19–20).

 Although these verses endorse constructive confrontation, they are not a license to be a busybody. The Bible repeatedly warns us not to be eagerly looking for opportunities to point out the faults of others (e.g., 2 Thess. 3:11; 1 Tim. 5:13; 2 Tim. 2:23; 1 Peter 4:15). In fact, anyone who is eager to go and show a brother his sin is probably disqualified from doing so. Such eagerness is often a sign of pride and spiritual immaturity, which cripple our ability to minister effectively to others (Gal. 5:22–6:2). The best confronters are usually people who would prefer not to have to talk to others about their sin, but will do so out of obedience to God and love for others.